Ellie Kings

Crossroads

2011-12-20T14:53:00.000-05:00

Here I stand at the crossroads
under the pouring rain
what others have forgotten
I remember everyday

The world moves on without me
while I stand in the same place
these crossroads give me hope
to someday see your face

In another skin
in another dream
if just ...
for one more day

If but in a memory
of a love we once shared
let me keep you alive
until I'm nearly there

Until I'm ready
to set you free
even if it hurts
after all... me

Watch you fly away
let you go, wait and see
if you come back to these crossroads
one sunny day ... for me

© 2011 Ellie Kings
In loving memory of my one true Love
Dec 20th 2009

Digital Photography by Zoe Marlowe

If I were a Mother

2011-08-29T13:10:00.001-04:00

I'll never be a mother to anyone
I won't get to see the ultrasound photo
I won't get to feel him growing inside
I won't know how it feels
to push him into this world

If I were a mother
I'd love him unconditionally
Knowing that he'll make mistakes
That it wouldn't matter to me
because after all he'd be my child

If I were a mother
I'd teach him the things I learned
I'd teach him to be a gentleman to a lady
I'd teach him to be an honest & faithful man
To know when to let his guard down
and let love in

If I were a mother
I'd know his weaknesses and his strengths
I'd give him security and shelter
I'd let him know that he could run to me
whenever he lost his way

If I were a mother
I'd teach him to be a wonderful man
But I won't be a mother
not to him or to her
They'll be a someone else's child
They'll be someone else's gift

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Nancy Tillman

Just One More Day

2011-08-09T17:43:00.000-04:00

There are times when I think back on what I had and wish I could relive those moments again. I think of him walking through the front door, giving me kisses and hugs, making me feel like a queen, as if he worshipped the ground I walked on.

I think of all those mornings I'd wake up and there he was, lying next to me with a smile... quietly tracing my face. I realized then he had watched over me as I slept, making me feel safe. As if all the monsters in my nightmares were fought off with his sweet love.

I wish I could turn back time and extend those seconds with him. Moments that were just for us. The alone moments, the together moments, the sweet nothing moments, the long walk moments, the deep talk moments. All those little, and yet monumental moments that are now priceless. Seconds, minutes, hours... wonderful memories that today I wouldn't trade for a million dollars.

It's amazing how little we cherish those moments when we do have them.

If I could have one day filled with all those precious moments... I'd be happy... even if it was for just -one more day.

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by Joey Remmers

Dear God

2011-07-26T15:33:00.003-04:00

Dear God
i have no where to hide
no where to run
but inside
the palm of your hand
the only place i feel safe
where the world is quiet
where each breath i take
is exhaled by you

Daddy
i feel lost
and i wanted to tell you
in case you hadn't noticed
you were probably too busy
to hear your daughter's cry

Dear God
have you left me
today i cannot find you
even though i've tried
come back, be near me
and stay with me awhile
i'm not strong enough, Lord
to face another day
to win another battle
to wear this heavy coat

Daddy
can you hear me
from the throne you're in
or are you too far away
i just wanted to tell you
i need you more than ever
i can't do this on my own
please don't leave me today
stay with me until tomorrow

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art in google images

Me Isn't Here Anymore

2011-02-25T21:13:00.002-05:00

I don't recognize Me
Me isn't here anymore
not in the house
not in the mirror
not in the inside of my soul

before the mirror
I only see
a stranger that replaced Me

I wish I could tell her to leave
that I don't need her anymore
her presence makes me uncomfortable
I wish she walked out the door

but she doesn't want to leave
she taunts me everyday
she makes me sad
she makes me angry
she takes my smile away

she robs me of the laughter
I had long ago
she steals my peace
she steals my grace
she stole who I was before

someday I will say to her
exactly what she needs to know
that I hate who she has made Me
that she's not welcomed anymore

that tomorrow will be the day
when she finally walks out the door
then I'll look in the mirror
I will see Me once more

and Me will be ... Beautiful

© 2011 Ellie Kings
Art by James Knowles

To Conquer Somewhere Else

2011-02-22T08:53:00.000-05:00

my tongue is tied, I cannot speak
but if I could, I'd surely scream
out to the four winds... why?
why did you take him from my life?
before I got the chance to say
all my heart needed to say
that nothing else mattered more
than the love we had for each other

I didn't get to say goodbye
that word wasn't alive in our lives
I wonder did I show him love
did he know where my heart belong
did he know he didn't have to buy my heart
I'd hand it over free of charge
carefully, I'd cut it out
and tell him, "Love, here's my heart"
knowing him, he'd ask "why me?"
because he's the one God chose for me
because his flaws my eyes didn't see
for in them love runs wild and free

I'd tell him, I love you more
just the way you truly are
full of unconditional love
going the distance for my hugs
taking snapshots of my smiles
traveling the extra mile

I learned much from his walk
he taught me to stand strong and tall
he said, "get back up when you fall"
he said, "forgiveness tears down walls"
he was a soldier all the way
his armor tailored by God's hands
He took him home on that day
so he could conquer somewhere else

© 2010 Ellie Kings
Art by Jeff Haynie

When is Life Unjust?

2011-02-18T00:29:00.008-05:00

When does life become unjust?

When you pray for a happy childhood- but hurt all the way. When you wait all your life to meet Prince Charming- and once you find him- you lose him. again and again. When you wait to wear the white dress- to only get the rug pulled from under. When you pray to have children- to only be called infertile.

At what point does life become unjust? When is it too late to be happy? Is it ever too soon? Should you expect the worst, in order, to hope for the best?

At what point do you block the last punch? When you're down, do you get back up and keep fighting? What do you do when you know your opponent is stronger? Life can hit you where it hurts- again and again. When does it become unjust? Is enough ever enough?

There are so many why's in life but never enough answers. Today we hope for a better tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow never gets here. Or sometimes, your life is shorten without accomplishing all you set out to do. Or sometimes, the life you set out to live takes you down a dark road with no exit. Do you stay in the dark or walk back into the light? Do you hang up the gloves or continue to fight?

As much as I've been hurt in life, life itself continues to push me to fight. I don't know what tomorrow brings, but I do know I'll wait until tomorrow to find out. Because 'why worry about tomorrow, when today brings with it its own burden'? We know that 'It rains on the just as well as the unjust'. That alone should be our warning. So when life pushes you, do yourself the favor and push back. What other choice do you have?

When does life become unjust? If we stop asking, we might just get answers.

The Girl who Lost Her Voice

2011-02-13T23:19:00.006-05:00

there once was a little girl who lost her voice
she searched for it in the oceans
she searched for it in the rivers
she searched above mountains
and through low valleys
but she couldn't find her voice
the little girl was lost in the forest of despair
and went searching for help
she spoke with a man and asked if he had seen her voice
but the man replied, "only you could find it"

she spoke to a woman

then a boy and a girl
but they all replied, "only you could find it"
the little girl walked back home in tears
because she couldn't find her voice
and with every step came a deeper sigh
'if only i could find it, i'd never let it go'
was all she cried

she climbed the stairs, opened the front door
sat on the chair, hands on her face
when she finally wiped her tears
she looked up and saw her voice
it was there, just where she left it
it had been Home all along

Just One Word

2011-02-09T23:16:00.004-05:00

How do you say what you need to say, when you can't find the words to say?

Today, is a hard day for me. Not because it's a special day but because it isn't. It's not an anniversary or a birthday or even a holiday (that I can think of). It's just another day. Another day without him. What do you say when you need to say so much, but nothing and everything seems to weigh on your heart?

Yet I write...

I write because I have to push myself to say ... something. Even if it's nothing. I write because the words are there, but I have to pull them slowly from inside- as if they're hanging at the end of a rope, hidden inside my heart (or mind) and it takes all of my strength to rescue them. Because I don't want them to die. Because I love words. They say so much. To think, that just one word can say much more than one can ever dream of.

Think of it. Think of one word. And then think of all the stories you can create with just that one word. Today, I think of "peace". Tomorrow - "hope". The day after that- "dream". There are so many beautiful words in the world. All I have to do is think of one. Each day. Every day. And just maybe, I'll be able to make stories out of all the beautiful words that I've been priviledged in knowing. One day, I'll be able to open the door to a world of possibilities. Today, I might just have only one word that I can think of, but tomorrow, that one word will be a story that will be written on the pages of a book. Someday...

Art: The Great Divide by David Eyerman

A Lesson from Ant

2011-02-04T01:37:00.000-05:00

essContinuing the lesson from Wednesday's post, I'm allowing God to heal me through Nature.

An army of ants worked all throughout the day, traveling back and forth to get pieces of food to take back to their colony. They're so tiny, yet the wisdom they possess amazes me. They work together, united strong, so that in the end- none of them should want for nothing.

I smiled watching two of them communicate with each other, as they carried their food. The piece of meal that seemed like a speck to me was apparently too heavy for one of them to carry, so she asked for help. I could just imagine their chat, "Hey, you think you could help me carry this, it's too much for me to bear." "Sure thing, no problem." Amazingly, I watched as the other one helped her carry the tiny piece of bread, at least, I thought it looked like bread.

Just like Spider (Wednesday's post), I've also learned from Ant. She wasn't too proud to ask for help when she was carrying a load twice her size. She struggled at first on her own, but then realized she couldn't do it on her own. Ant could've said it one of two ways; calmly "I need help with this load, could you do me the favor and lend a hand?" or wailing, "Please, help me! I really can't carry this one on my own. I need help!"

But what if she hadn't asked for help, what would've happened? I'm no expert on ants. Maybe, another would've helped voluntarily but on the other hand, would she have been stuck there on her own?

I admire Ant. She and her friends are no more different than us. We, too, carry a heavy load on a daily basis. The question is, are we too proud to ask for help when we need it? Do we wait there with a bleeding heart until someone volunteers to help along the way?

Take a moment to reflect upon all that you carry and ask yourself if you need help. Then ask your family or a good friend. Sometimes they might surprise you. I'll admit that when I lost my other half, the last thing I wanted was someone to help. All I wanted was him. I wanted to bury myself in his clothes, his things, his love. But that wouldn't have been healthy for me, so like Ant I finally screamed, "I need help! I really can't do this on my own."

And I got the help from my family as well, as from you. I just wanted to say, thanks again for being there and for being the ear to a voice that's trying to come back to me.

If I haven't said it lately, I really do love having you all as my friends.

Apparently, God thinks Ant is important too.
"Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest." Proverbs 6: 6-8
{a little harsh, but a powerful message}

© 2010 Ellie Kings
Italics from my Journal

Art in Google images

A Lesson from Spider

2011-02-02T01:47:00.000-05:00

For a few weeks now, I've been keeping a close eye on a small spider that builds her home outside on the porch. It uses the plants that are hanging above the railing to construct her home, connecting her web from one plant to the other. I noticed her the more when my younger brother and his wife watched as she weaved her web one night.

Spider is brilliant and all so very patient. The heavy rains and loud wind have knocked down her beautiful home many times, but she continues to rebuild it. I'm learning a valuable lesson from Spider and her untouchable patience.

Hurricane Earl hit this week and it brought with it storms of rain and furious winds, though it didn't do too much damage. I'm getting used to the rain. It seems it rains even in my dreams.

I enjoy Puerto Rico. My heart feels less heavy here, besides it's nice to be on an island that keeps well-guarded the secret of the Rain dancing around the Sun.

Hurricane Earl came close- the next morning there were branches everywhere; the trees were wet and droopy. The winds blew the tarp above the aluminum table into the bushes of the garden. The dogs barked through the night, a little more than usual. But their bark was also blown with the wind.

It was a rough night, not only for the animals in the barn but for me, as well. Amazingly, indoors was very quiet. The electricity was out. And in the silence of the night, I could hear a mosquito flying around in my room; at least I thought it was a mosquito. One can never tell with so many little critters that roam the night, including spiders. But I've especially grown fond of this spider.

A few days later, after the hurricane passed, I remembered Spider. I thought for sure she and her home were washed away with the storm. But I was wrong. I don't know where she hid or how she survived, but I do know one thing, she was still alive.

I had just stepped outside to welcome the evening splendor. The sky wore a stunning pink and blue dress. It was absolutely breath-taking. As I sipped my afternoon coffee, my eyes scanned the green of the mountain tops in all their glory, when I saw her- my tiny Spider, my inspiration, my little hope.

As fragile as she seems, Spider has taught me a most needed lesson in life. She's small but tough and hard-working. She never gives up or loses hope, even when storms and hurricanes hit and destroy her home. She hides when she needs to take cover, but faces the day after the storm. She pursues her dream of having a good home, even if she has to rebuild it over and over again. And when she does rebuild, Spider builds it even bigger than the last. Once she's done, it's no longer a house but a mansion. I watched her weaving her web endlessly and never stopped until she was completely finished. Wow! Now that's an impressive lesson.

I should walk with Spider more often, be more like her, keep rebuilding again and again when the storms of life tear down my home and wash it away. I should hold onto my faith, hide when I need to take cover and face the day after the storm. My next home will surely be bigger than the last, God willing.

© 2010 Ellie Kings
Excerpt from my Journal

Art 'Spider Fairy' by the talented Ria Spencer. Please visit her blog to see more amazing paintings.
Ria's Fine Art Studio

Sunshine in the Dark

2011-01-30T12:14:00.003-05:00

This New Year has brought with it a mix of emotions; a new hope, a breath of air, a ray of sunshine. I miss my sweetheart, though somehow I feel comforted; most days anyway. Everyday I convince myself that he really is gone, that I have to learn to live again, and learn to smile once more.
I never imagined a world without him, and since he left, my life hasn't been the same. Who's going to finish my sentences and read my thoughts? Who's going to bring me coffee in the mornings or take care of me when I'm sick? Who's going to make me laugh when I'm sad or make me cry with a birthday card? Who's going to hug me while I'm doing the dishes or give me morning kisses? Who's going to motivate me to continue writing or listen to my new song?
His nurturing love was priceless. His contagious laugh was unforgettable. His old soul was unique. I shall never forget him or the way he made me feel, truly loved.
This New Year I dedicate it to him. I vow to remember who he was as a human being and as my best friend. I vow to do what I must do to continue the fight and learn to live with purpose. I vow to allow God to continue doing what He does best, make miracles. Because it's going to take a miracle to heal from this one.
I want to thank each one of you who have kept in touch this past year, who have taken a moment from busy schedules to let me know you care. Thank you for your sweet words and cyber hugs. I want to thank my family and friends for encouraging me, for crying with me and for reminding me that I'm still needed here. I want to thank my Daddy, God, for staying close to me, holding my hand and gently leading me out of the dark.

God bless you all dearly,

Ellie

PS. If I should sound morbid at any given time, please remind me of my vows.

Love's Death

2010-08-01T22:44:00.001-04:00

sometimes it's hard to breathe

why can't i just break free?

be all alone and cry

'till the last tear has dried

until my heart feels less heavy

'till my chest doesn't hurt

until the waters have washed

the fear of being cursed

... of never being happy

of losing all my hope

of needing and not having

of loving and what for?

i know God isn't cruel

but this feels cruel to me

maybe it's a joke

and the joke is on me

Love's death is surreal

he isn't going to return

he's really gone forever

and forever seems too long

Love forgot to say goodbye

as I remain waiting

he went missing through the night

and i didn't even know it

wasn't he among friends?

who was his enemy?

who swiped his life away

and caved a hole this deep

Love took his last breath

as he lay there bleeding

and written in his blood

was the love of God and me

you're free, my sweet Love

don't worry about me

God will sit by my bed

until i've fallen asleep

until i've stopped humming our song

'till i've stepped into my dreams

when you're alive again

when you're alive with me

where your death is the dream

and the dream is what's real

when you're no longer asleep

and your heartbeat i hear

let me stay here, sweet Love

for a little while longer

let me sing to you again

and hold you in my arms

show you that i love you

see your eyes once more

tell you that i've missed you

that your death is all wrong

...come back... don't leave

i can't wake up now

to the light and the truth

that my Love is truly gone

let me stay here in your world

where the wind blows free

in our garden of white roses

let's relive our memories

by Ellie Kings

art by Allyson Ricketts

Forever and a Day

2009-12-29T03:12:00.004-05:00

You are the one...

the one who kneels under heaven
and asks, 'why am I here?
The one who's smile is a simple reflection
of a life filled with laughter, love, joy, and peace
You are the one who in time and past lives
secured a space in the deepest part of my heart
The one who captivates me with a smile each day

The one who loves me just the way I am
I will love you... forever and a day

These words were written in May of this year by my soulmate and love of my life, Nathan. He was killed on Dec 20th. I'm heartbroken and lost without him. Even as I write, I feel like I'm in a horrible nightmare and I'm going to wake up and he's going to be here with me. He loved me more than anyone in this world. It was a once in a lifetime kind of love. He was my very best friend and the sunshine of my day. His love was pure and unconditional. He respected me and treated me as his Queen. He was planning a surprise wedding next year. I learned of his plans from his friends.

A part of me is confused, angry, hurt and well, there are no words. All I know is that he was so proud of me for starting this blog and enjoyed my talk of all of you. He loved reading your comments and had good laughs with some of your posts. I knew he would want me to post this.

This post is dedicated to the memory of his neverending love for me and the love I will forever hold in my heart for him. Please keep me and his family in your prayers so God can give us the strength to overcome this great loss. I take comfort in the knowledge that his soul is in a better place, although I miss him dearly. The funeral is on Thursday. Thank you all in advance for your warm thoughts and prayers.

For those of you who haven't read our love story, you can read Finding Each Other One Last Time Pt.I and Pt.II

I'm sure you can all understand, I will not be posting for a while. As much as I want to hide away alone, give up and let it all go, I know in my heart that that's not what he would've wanted. I will return, but I don't know when.

Much love,

Ellie

*art by joey remmers

Tag, I'm running...

2009-12-19T15:00:00.021-05:00

I've been tagged by the lovely Victoria from Victoria S. Her blog is absolutely mesmerizing! You must visit her sometime. Victoria is an aspiring YA paranormal/romance author. She's creative and artistic. As much as I love her, I cringed at the long list of questions she tagged me with. Thanks Victoria, really. ;) Since it's the holidays, I'm going to keep it short and sweet.

1) What's the last thing you wrote? What's the first thing you wrote that you still have?
-Currently still working on my novel. Writing like a turtle, but still in the race. A short story entitled "A Feast for the King". I wrote it almost 20 years ago.

2) Write poetry?
Do you have to ask? I live for poetry. Apparently so do my 8 and 12 yr old nieces. They inherited it from me. yeay!3) Angsty poetry?
You tell me. :)

4) Favorite genre of writing?
Poetry and literary fiction, at least I think it's a literary. Nathan Bransford would probably say otherwise. :)

5) Most annoying character you've ever created?
My MC's father who is very judgmental. He loves making inappropriate jokes and has a conceited attitude.

6) Best plot you've ever created?
A romance novel about the love of a young French maid and a guerrilla soldier during the Spanish Revolution. (I had over 10 chapters and was enthusiastic about it.) Unfortunately, that story was lost when my laptop was stolen. Could you believe I never made a backup? I know, I know, I could slap myself.

7) Coolest plot twist you've ever created?
I actually have a couple poetry pieces that have a twist to them. If I ever find them, I'll share them with you.

9) Write fan fiction?
Not my cup of tea, love.

10) Do you type or write by hand?
My carpal tunnel acts up more when I write. So I stick to typing. I actually miss writing by hand. These things come with age, you know.

11) Do you save everything you write?
Anything on paper is somewhere around here, in boxes mostly. On computer, you already know, I save but forget to backup. Working on that.

12) Do you ever go back to an idea after you've abandoned it?
Of course, it's an idea. I never fully let go of my ideas. I'll try, but they'll pour out elsewhere.
13) What's your favorite thing you've ever written?
A poetry piece detailing the love of God. It gets a standing ovation every time. For the glory of God always.
14) What's everyone else's favorite story you've written?
I've read my current WIP to some friends (by phone), without letting them know it's mine. They think I'm reading from a published book. When they find out, they say it's wonderful. That gives me hope.

16) What's your favorite setting for your characters?
The luscious, green mountains of Cayey in Puerto Rico.
17) How many writing projects are you working on right now?
My novel, a few poems and the lyrics of a new song.
18) Have you ever won an award for your writing?
I have a few top performer awards (in Sales) from my work in the corporate world. Does that count? :) The best award in writing, I can say, is touching the hearts of others. Two of my poems were published in a collection of poems book, so long ago that I can't remember the name of the book, which is in NJ with the rest of my stuff. Another poem was published in a local magazine that went out to various prisons in NJ.
19) What are your five favorite words?
I think you all know what my favorite words are... Love and lovely. Can't think of three more. Didn't I tell you I was a romantic.
20) What character have you created that is most like yourself?
My MC Eliana.

21) Where do you get your ideas for your characters?
My own experiences, as well as, family and close friends.
22) Do you ever write based on your dreams?
Once in a blue moon, I'll get ideas from vivid dreams.
23) Do you favor happy endings?
Did I tell you I was brainwashed as a kid? I actually thought 'happily ever after' existed. Then I grew up. Happy endings, to me, are more of 'as real as it gets' endings.
24) Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
I'm a perfectionist, but I know I'm far from perfect. S & G are high on my list, though I may not always know where the comma goes, Susan. ;)
25) Does music help you write?
I started writing my novel to the beat of Norah Jones. Jazz and classical music help me get in the groove ... of writing, of course. Lately, I listen more to Bach, Andre Rieu and today's classical quartet, Bond. I also enjoy all kinds of foreign music. Like I've said before, music is my muse.
26) Quote something you've written. Whatever pops in your head.
From my WIP...
When Eliana was a few months old, her mother, Lily, would rock her to sleep while singing her favorite Spanish lullaby. As she grew older, she’d ask her to sing it from time to time so she'd never forget. Someday, she too, will sing it to her children and grandchildren. Her mother’s song brought her such comfort; it put her straight to sleep, unlike now, where she hardly sleeps. Sometimes, when the intensity of insomnia increases, she hums that Spanish lullaby, curled up in a fetal postion, and she’s right back in her mother’s arms.

Finally ... The End :)
Oops, almost forgot. I have to tag others. Well, I'm not going to torture too many, especially during the holidays. I'll tag these three wonderful ladies. Go check out their blogs. You'll love 'em. Tag! you're it girls...

* Kristen Torres-Toro @ Write in the Way

* Betty Manousos @ Cut and Dry

* Tabitha Bird @ Through My Eyes

Art by Christian Simonian

15) Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?
see #6. No angsty teen drama though. Well, except for a poetry piece I wrote many years ago.8) How often do you get writer's block?
I wish I could answer like Victoria. She said rarely. Yeah, that's not me. I get writer's block more than I care to admit.

Stop Beating

2009-12-14T16:02:00.009-05:00

(This is a slow to fast beat piece)

Still alive…

Still my heart is beating; even though there are times when I wish it would just stop!

Stop beating… I tell my heart

Stop beating, I want to be with my God

Stop beating, help me stop hurting

Stop beating, help me stop crying

Stop beating, so there’s no pain- no more feeling

Only numbness left behind

The sleep of peace is all I ask for

Did you hear me, old foolish heart of mine?

Stop beating, I say to you my ruthless heart; don’t you see I’m tired of crying out

Stop beating you blood-thirsty heart surrounded by vessels and walls of tissue to protect you from the harms and pains this body endures

Stop beating, I tell this wicked heart of mine who disobeys, strays away, grows rebellious and justifies itself with the “I-am-in-control-of-this-body”…

Knowing if it wasn’t for its pumping-thumping-pounding… this body would crash and cave in

Stop beating, I tell this crazy heart of mine who wants to disobey my voice and do not my will, but God’s

Stop beating, so I could lay my head and never wake to the light of a new day

Stop beating, so I don’t have to go through the daily motions of where I’ve been, where I am headed and what the future brings

Collapse, you selfish heart!

Thinking you’re in control of my life

Thinking you’re going to keep me alive...
When all I want to do is forsake this skin and die!

Why should I live in a world that is out of control?

Suffering the pains of past mistakes and failures

Fighting the could’ve, should’ve battles

This monster of a heart grows in me like Goliath, who will not quit but fight

Thinking in the end, he will win the war

You see just like Goliath you’ll be defeated, in the end you’ll die

I can’t wait for that day when you’re hit against the head and fall to your destruction

But you tell me that time is on your side…That the moment hasn’t come for you to stop pounding

That the choice is not yours
You have a higher Master who started your ticking and gave you a time to stop

You say He told you not to quit or stop breathing even if I pleaded you to stop

Even if you heard my cries, like an echo carried through pulses of veins, screaming out …

I beg you to stop! For I can’t bear the pain

I beg you stop! For I can’t see in darkness

I beg you…please stop! There’s nothing to live for

Stop beating! I command you… let me go in peace

Stop beating … let me rest from the troubles of this world

Don’t you know? My time is up; this life is much too long

Please let me go be with my God

If you should hear such a cry, oh convoluted heart of mine

Why don’t we make a bargain and you just let me die!

But your response is not to my surprise

You tell me that Your Master sends messages traveling through my veins

It’s the blood you tell me… It’s His blood that runs to me…

Roaming through your body, going straight to what you call me…heart

You see I cannot listen, even in your begging; for there are things

you must endure, in spite of all the pain

It’s through much suffering and tears that you come close to God

So don’t ask me to stop beating, for HE commands me to remember that specific time

When He made you, He hovered over me and whispered a set date and time

When I was to stop ticking and thumping and pumping the blood of the One who chose to die…

Not from all your suffering but because He himself became the Bruised

Through grief, He wrapped himself in the entire affliction and oppression of the world

and took it to his death so that you may now continue living

You see, I cannot stop beating because I hold in memory your time just like I held His time of death

But you and I both know that He was special so I had to start pumping up again

And if I were to tell you this, said the heart to me, you’d probably think it crazy

I am only the pump that beats in the cavity of your chest and keeps your physical body alive

The real element here, holding the seat to your emotions…the root of all your sorrows;

Your pain, anger and frustration; your hurt, misery, and tears… is actually the Mind!

Where all of your memories remain…the thing that haunts you and feeds you fear

So if you’re looking for someone to blame or a solution to your problem

don’t order me to stop beating but give command to your mind to stop thinking!

For the heart of man is deceiving, who can know it says the Lord

Think how it can be possible for the heart to be deceiving when it doesn’t have a brain of its own

So I say again… speak to your mind and tell it to die from all the past pains you’ve endured

so that we may both live together and do the work of the Lord…

You see, you are not finished yet! I keep hearing God say to you

For when your destiny is complete…your heart and mind will know the truth

To stop ticking like a clock that has served its purpose and lived the span of its lifetime

They’ll both say to you … No more!

The hands of the clock will no longer tell time, they will never give the hour passed your counted days, weeks, months or years to come… for your time on Earth has ended

But until that time arrives and God, Himself gives word

Learn to live … and please sing me a new song, for I am sick of your request

Tell me that you are happy and full of greater joy… smile at me on this day and the next

Say I, your Heart to thee…for I have not stopped beating… like you once ordered me!

Note: This Spoken Word piece birthed out from the darkness I spoke of in my last post. Please excuse grammatical errors. It’s merely for the benefit of my performance. Also, Blogger gave me difficulties getting it to look the way it should.

Art by Madalina Iordache

Can You Hear Me?

2009-12-08T16:05:00.001-05:00

Our burden is heavy. Our baggage weighs much. The things that once made us laugh no longer do. We walk the path of the heavy laden. We carry burdens that keep us bound. We suppress anger. We walk into our dark room and shut the door behind. We seek relief, but relief doesn't live here anymore.

The prayer wick is dimming. The candle is almost out and fear creeps in just like it did before. You know, when we were younger and were afraid of the dark. When we were naïve and didn't know the boogie-man wasn't real. When we felt helpless and utterly alone with no one to save us from darkness.

Now that we're all grown up, should we still be afraid of the dark? Should we still feel helpless?

These were my thoughts when I was fighting depression a few years back. I couldn't understand how a cheerful, bubbly person like me could go from bouncing off walls and slaying dragons, so to speak, to staring out my window with a dazed look on my face. It was as if I was hypnotized. I could actually see myself floating over my body, yelling at myself, "Wake up! Wake up! Get out of the dark! You have much to do! You have to live!" But I was deaf to my own voice.

As the months went by, I grew lethargic and weary. My muscles ached all the time. I couldn't sleep at night and had difficulty getting out of bed during the day. I suffered crying spells, migraines, anxiety, loss of appetite, and couldn't concentrate on anything. I wanted to crawl in a hole and simply die. I didn't want to end it myself, but I did welcome death with open arms.

Silence choked my voice. My song died. My dance slumped. All I wanted to do was scream!!! with every fiber of my soul. Scream!!! loud enough until my voice was heard. Scream!!! until I returned to me. But no one heard and no one cared. They were all too busy to really see.

Still my soul peeked out through tiny windows of my eyes, my hands on the bars of my prison and whispered in anguish...

...Can you hear me? ... Can you hear me?

Have you been here? When the burdens feel too heavy to carry? When your voice is not heard? When you search for rest but can't seem to find it? If you listen closely, you'll understand that the Lord wants to exchange our burdens for his yoke.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mat 11:28-30 NIV

When I traveled that path, if nothing else, all I heard was the Word of God resonating in my ears. His comforting words speaking life back into me. He breathed his peace over me, everyday...slowly... until I actually felt him close once more. Until He had become Real to me again.

When you find yourself lost in darkness and can't seem to find your way back, allow Him to walk you back into the light. Allow Him to breathe life back into you. And understand that even if no one else hears you when your soul screams out or simply whispers... Can you hear me? God hears... He knows... He sees.

Copyright © 2009 Ellie Kings
Photo by Joseph Hicklin
Art by Alexandra Louie and Bill Stephens

Vengeance vs Justice

2009-12-02T17:44:00.016-05:00

:~:

Many of us have suffered injustice at some point of our lives, whether it's by someone we know or a complete stranger. They've hurt us with their vicious words, despicable acts, or fierce brutality. When we least expect it, we become their victim. We endure a loss. We lose our innocence, self-respect, and our will to live. We are vulnerable to the fear they instilled in us. Fear now wears their face.

The hands of time move forward but our memory is frozen in the moment. We dwell on their vile whispers and remember their smug faces. After a while, our anger erupts like a volcano and we seek revenge. We think of the many others who will be spared if we avenge it now. We convince ourselves that vengeance and justice amount to the same thing.

But we are not called to take vengeance. We've been called to seek justice. Although there is a fine line between them and they resemble each other, there is a difference. Vengeance is a harmful action against the individual(s) in response to a grievance; while, justice implies actions undertaken and supported by a legitimate judicial system, by a system of ethics. Revenge works outside the boundaries of judicial or ethical conduct. The goal of revenge usually consists of forcing the (perceived)wrongdoer to suffer the same or greater pain than that which was originally inflicted.*

Let us not deceive ourselves. Revenge will not make us feel better. It will not help us bury the past. It will only bandage the wound while it really needs to breathe. Justice, on the other hand, is the ointment for the pain. It will heal us in time. In the end, it will give us the satisfaction that we didn't raise a finger against the person, yet they were brought to justice all on their own. Be it in a courtroom by a judicial system or an intervening Higher Power, someday the heinous act(s) they committed will be avenged. Not by us but by the God who loves us so much, He makes everything come to a full circle. "Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written: Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” Romans 12:19

In my last post, I spoke of wrongs that were done against me and some of the things I survived. It took much courage on my part to write that post (I thank you all for your warm response). I debated if I should be so open with you all, but then realized we are called to minister healing onto others. We are God's ambassadors, appointed to carry the torches of love, truth and peace. Not repaying anyone evil for evil but we are to overcome evil with good.

After all, only God knows and only God can. We continue to hold onto our faith and allow Him to do what He does best. He will pull us out of the fire and though sometimes there are scars left behind, we survive. We live on knowing sooner or later, He will avenge our pain and heal our wounded hearts. Justice will prevail.

:~:

Copyright © 2009 by Ellie Kings
Art by Jim Murphy
*notes from Wikipedia

Just in the Nick of Time

2009-11-25T13:13:00.008-05:00

I'm not one to dwell on the past. But I've heard it said, 'those who do not remember the past are condemned to repeat it'. Remembering from time to time will help keep things in perspective. It allows us to adequately consider each minuscule or monumental event which contributed to our character development. It helps us answer the question, 'why?'. I'm no psychologist, but I must say, that I've read and experienced enough to know that everything in life happens for a season and a reason.

Without acknowledging our past or looking through the wormhole of our fears, we will never fully heal from it. The suffering we endured gives us greater insight and a profound connection to those that share the same pain. You've heard the phrase, 'I understand' from people who have no clue what you're speaking of. Though, they mean well, it is a little condescending. So when you finally do come across that person who says, 'I understand' and truly does understand because they lived through it themselves, then it is a relief. You realize you are not alone; that you weren't the only one who traveled the long, dark road.

I am fully aware that the horrible pain inflicted on us is for a greater purpose. Most times, we are pruned by fire so that when we tell another, 'I understand', we actually mean it. Although, Thanksgiving Day is a wonderful holiday because of what it represents, I've always felt there is no need to wait for one particular day to say 'thanks'. We should be grateful each and every day of our lives. With that said, today I wanted to share the reasons why I'm thankful with all of you as witnesses of my deep seeded gratitude.

Here goes. I'm thankful ...

for being kidnapped by my father when I was four yrs old
for having a fighting mother that never gave up the search
for being abused as a child
for knowing the bruised face of domestic violence through my mother's pain
for seeing the ugly face of drug and alcohol addiction on family members
for the tears, the heartbreaks, and rejections
for the incompetent teachers who belittled assuming they were great mentors
for the family who used manipulation and humiliation throughout the years
for the depression that was the climax of it all

... but most of all, I'm thankful for being rescued by a loving God ... just in the nick of time.

Without experiencing any of these events in my life, I could never have written the words that I have. All that pain amounted to something beautiful. I became stronger. And though I find myself still wondering on certain issues, I know that the good Lord has a higher calling and great purpose for my life. In the end, that's what keeps me standing. It's what keeps me breathing. It's what keeps me humble. It's what makes me thankful.

My dear friends, I pray that on this Thanksgiving as you sit around the table with your loved ones, you remember my words. If only for a moment, look back at your past, look deep into the river of despair and thank God for bringing you out ... just in the nick of time. Enjoy your holiday and God bless!

*Art by the talented Joey Remmers

Your Wicked Enemies

2009-11-21T21:17:00.007-05:00

isn't it amazing how far you've come
yet their faith is still undone
they pick at flaws long unseen
'least by you, but they still see
they waltz the room with noses raised
without a care, they're never swayed
their belief is all that counts
how they feel is what amounts
you can't change them though you try
they crucify you without cry
they stone you and kill you off
with vicious words and hate they love
still you brave life's highest standards
mostly fueled by enemies
you stand on justice, truth and love
yet they cast you to the wolves
their burning tongue lights wildfires
they push you in and turn an eye
they have a feast at your expense
they drink and toast upon your death
but soon one day when entertained
by all the damage they have made
they'll be pulled up like wicked weeds
what they have sowed, they finally reap

then the Kingdom’s yours for taking

from afar, you'll hear them weeping

their vile ways will be avenged

by your loving God’s defense

*Based on Matthew 13:24-30 NIV

Art by Kimmary Maclean and Tomas Del-Amo

To Keep You From Drowning

2009-11-18T01:29:00.001-05:00

Give me your hand; don’t be afraid

Let me show you how it’s done

First, you must take a leap of faith and keep your eyes focused on me

Take a step and then another but don’t you look away

Looking away will only remind you of your past

Your past will remind you of your fears

And your fears will only stop you from getting one step closer to freedom

..:~:..

Listen to my voice; It will keep you from drowning

Do not listen to the echoes in your ear

Steady… have faith… do not be afraid… I will be with you all the way

Be brave…imitate me...

By letting go of yourself for another

Giving of yourself for a greater good

That is the wholeness of true freedom

Do not stare at the water, for it is deep and confusing

It is frightening to see your reflection in the middle of a profound ocean

Do you see? You're already brave

You are the only one who chose to follow me out into the deep

You didn’t question where I was going or how I would get there

You simply followed me… against all natural opposition
..:~:..

If you continue to hear the melody of my voice

You will not stray away in the wrong direction

For I am here, guiding you, holding your hand

Just to keep you from drowning

*Based on Peter's moment with the Master

Art by Bill Stephens

Rescuing the Words

2009-11-16T14:04:00.012-05:00

when do I find the words

to make the story alive

to keep the memory awake

so it no longer dies

how do i write the words

on the bark of a tree

in the water on waves

in the heart of the sea

why do i hide the words

on a shelf full of dust

in a cluttered dark chest

or behind the moon's light

how do i rescue the words

from the pendulum's end

from the guillotine's death

from the silence ahead

One Lovely Sunday

2009-11-15T14:58:00.001-05:00

Not too long ago, I was honored in receiving the 'One Lovely Blog Award' from Dream Dancer of Diamonds and Dreams. DD, knowing you has been a great pleasure. I am still amazed at how much we have in common. Only God knows how much you've contributed to my life! Thank you so much for this honor and for being such a gentle soul!

Today, I wanted to take the time and pass this award along. I know that some of you already have it, but consider it an emphasis on how lovely we think your blog is! Of course, it also proves how closely knit our blogging community is. :)

The following blogger friends have made me laugh hysterically, brought tears to my eyes, have taught me valuable writing lessons, and have touched my heart in one way or another. So on this day, I thank you for enriching my life, for being an encouragement and for sharing who you are with all of us. The award goes to:

Lesley @ My Turn to Talk

Craftsman @ Stars in my Inkpot & Crying Skies

Tamika @ The Write Worship

Tabitha @ Through My Eyes

Wendy @ All in a Day's Thought

Thanks again for being such an inspiration and enjoy the rest of your Sunday! Big hugs and extra blessings!
Ellie

On the F

2009-11-11T18:02:00.003-05:00

it's nice to see the light at the end of the tunnel

it brightens my face with a smile

it whispers in my ear

'you're going places'

it doesn't matter how long I've waited

five minutes or a lifetime

that light brings with it a sense of relief

i'm going home today

...waiting for the future

it is the ending of something old

and the beginning of something new

the hope of something wonderful

that light brings with it... possibility

wait for it... wait

don't grow impatient

for impatience causes accidents, dilemma and fear

be not afraid of the light

but never run towards it

just wait...

until the light comes to you

don't let the future get the best of you

curiosity may allow your foot to slip

when it slips

you will fall

and the light you've yearned for most

has passed over you and left you behind

to wonder what you did wrong

and ask why you did not wait

so if I may remind you

if you miss this light, there is another

for there are always lights

coming and going the rest of your life

some might go east, some may go west

but whichever way you're headed

don't fret

there's a light meant just for you

to take you home

to lead you somewhere

out of all the lights

on all days of the week

i most enjoy waiting for the F

it reminds me of a Future

still waiting to be discovered

and all i must do... is... wait

Inspired by the F train in NYC

*photo by Sam Oakes

My Death After All

2009-11-10T01:02:00.003-05:00

She was my mother, yet she did not show it

She rejected me, from the very first day

I wanted her affection; she never returned it

She simply did not love me - she told me so herself

She said given the choice, she would have aborted

From the minute I was born, she declared her hate

When I was days old, she attempted to drown me

She hid me below water, like I was a mistake

If it wasn’t for my grandma; my tiny body struggling

There are no doubts today; I’m sure I would be dead

But heaven didn’t want me, the angels weren’t waiting

For the hand of God itself, held and kept me safe

So because she couldn't kill me; within a month, she left me

Discarded like old shoes damaged by the rain

Mother you can have her, for I do not want her

This is the dreadful woman; who solely gave me breath

But she was just the vessel and nothing more to me

The hatred that she showed me, I gave it in return

If she had been special, if she would have loved me

Maybe I’d be different, maybe I’d be saved

From the issue of resentment; I’d been more sensitive

When I learned leukemia has left her in a bed

That it raided her blood and to her bones was spreading

That she lays there in pain,’til in six months she’s dead

I was not made in love; her words are still ringing

In the memory of a child, not cherished on that day

But there was no remorse and there was no forgiveness

Just an empty void of the wall she built with hate

And yet today, more than thirty years later

I find myself wondering, if I should make amends

If I should repair, the link long ago broken

Restore the connection and tear down the fence

With many words unsaid, and the false pretenses

How do I accept, that she is not my friend?

She’s not even my mother but simply a stranger

Who gave me life once but wanted me dead

As I look in the mirror, I see her reflection

And touching my skin, it’s an extension of hers

For who I am and what I am was birthed from inside her

Though to this day she refuses to accept me as her own

Despite everything, there’s a corner of my heart

A place that is reserved especially for her

She may continue to loathe me, reject me; even hurt me

With her bitter words and denying my calls

But if I do not mend the bond that was broken

I am certain that her death will be my death after all

A large part of me will die and be buried in her grave

The sun will soon set and my love for her be lost