Walking Upstream

On 'Open Marriage' and Newt Tales

2012-01-24T17:54:00.000-06:00

Betcha knew I couldn't stay away. Anyhoo, Newt (or is that Toad, or Lizard) is reputed to have asked his second wife for an 'open marriage' so that he could continue to have the (political and possibly financial) benefits of staying marriage while continuing to sleep with a woman who quite possibly truly is the love of his life (to give Newt his due).

But "I want you to approve my affair after the effect and turn a blind eye to it" is not what most people mean when they say 'open marriage'. For most of those who successfully navigate the various forms of polyamory that exist extra-legally in the United States and world wide, 'open marriage' connotes two very important concepts, one of which is clearly lacking in Newt's reputed request (say that ten times fast).

The first of those concepts is the concept of 'prior consent'. According to Newt's ex wife Marianne, she was 'offered' the option of an open marriage only after she discovered the affair already going on between her husband and another woman, Newt's current wife Callista.

Folks, that is not prior consent. Newt changed the rules in mid stream and expected his wife to just go along. That is breach of contract. And marriage is nothing if not a contract.

The other issue with calling his proposal an 'open' marriage is that I would lay long odds that Newt's definition of 'open' did not include the idea of Marianne also forming attachments (sexual or otherwise) outside the marriage. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander (in this case the genders should be reversed).

It is, of course, entirely possible that Newt 'merely' cheated on his second wife while she was bedridden with cancer and did not, in fact, try a creative solution to save the marriage. It's still breach of contract. And frankly, I believe her. Newt's over the top response when questioned about it tells me all I need to know.

And if Newt wins the nomination, I'm going to be cackling with glee as I begin plotting ways to make his campaign implode under the weight of his attempts to pass himself off as a serious statesman.

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Streaming Underground

2012-01-08T10:58:00.003-06:00

There comes a time in the life of all streams and rivers that they go underground and flow through the cool earth, only to emerge elsewhere and when renewed and strengthened. While I am thrilled about the advent of the Occupy Movement and its 'big tent' attempt at inclusiveness just in time for the 2012 elections, the elections themselves have left me frustrated and depressed.

I joked with a couple of friends last week when they publicly wondered whether Obama was running for President in 2012 that he had no need to run -- given the competition a brisk walk would be sufficient. Unfortunately, that's probably more flip than strictly true, but a good case can be made that the current Republican party is its own worst enemy -- and the ineptitude of the Democratic party its best friend.

I can't bring myself to go 'full throat' in support of President Obama in light of his civil rights issues. I know all the good reasons to go out and vote and encourage others to do so as well, and I know all the good reasons not to vote Republican in this environment and for many years to come. But.

But.

I can't work myself into a good healthy rant anymore. I'm worn down and tired from the constant Citizens United effects on our electoral process and the Supreme Court effects on our erosion of rights. I am no longer confident there is a way out that leads back to a healthy democracy and I need to walk away from this fight for awhile, let others take the forefront, and regroup.

The personal is, as always, political. My personal blog is still at Am I the Only One Dancing, and I am still writing about my life and my work there, including, peripherally, my politics. I am also going to start posting, sporadically, my poetry and prose at A Place for Prose and Poetry (still under construction).

This isn't 'goodbye', it's 'see you later'. I'll still be vocal about my politics, and I will be back. It could be a month, months, or even a year or years, but I will squat on this spot and use it again when the time is right.

See you soon!

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Fox News: The Hardest Part of Working Out

2011-12-23T06:41:00.001-06:00

Matt Damon (Image via RottenTomatoes.com)

In the last two months I have suddenly morphed into 'a woman who works out'. Overall, I love it. I feel better, my body looks better, and I crank out some tunes I truly love for an hour every morning and enjoy them. However.

For some reason that remains mystifying to me, among the nine television screens arrayed in front of the elliptical machines and treadmills and recumbent bikes and stair steppers, there are always at least two iterations of Fox playing.

Like I said, I keep my tunes going while I'm working out, so I can't actually hear the talking heads spew their nonsense. But watching them right next to other local and national news outlets is edifying.

While other stations trumpet the fact that President Obama's approval rating has significantly improved in the last two weeks, Fox trumpets that it still remains below 50%. While others have anchors who seem to genuinely enjoy each others' company, the anchors at Fox News seem to be deciding where the most effective place to insert and turn a knife would be.

The story that triggered this post, however, left me scratching my head. Keep in mind, the station wasn't captioned, and I was listening to music. All I got was body language and headlines. The story was that Matt Damon has stated that he no longer supports President Obama. Which is probably true. Damon is a pretty consistent liberal with a strong civil liberties bent and some of the actions coming out of the White House

But the faces and headlines took a 90 degree turn from reality shortly thereafter. The three commentators, one of whom was Juan Williams (and two women, a blonde and a brunette, whose faces weren't familiar to me) stopped circling each other searching for places to insert a knife, and started circling Obama, in a frenzy from the chum in the water.

Their faces gave their feelings clearing, roughly translated as 'Bwah ha ha! All those Obama voters are ours, now!' They didn't quite lick their lips or rub their hands together. Quite.

It's really hard to maintain my mindfulness with this sort of show going on. I had to retreat into Jonathan Coulton's 'Millionaire Girlfriend' for a moment to regain my inner peace, which is an important reason I work out, and a reason I wish they would banish Fox from the gym I go to.

The stupid, it burns. While there is certainly something to be said in terms of the lack of enthusiasm among hard line liberals for Obama given his stance on civil liberties and lack of consistent liberal positions, it certainly doesn't translate into liberals voting en masse for any of the Republican presidential hopefuls. That, and the Republican's own enthusiasm gap, as evidenced by the continuing search for a candidate that will come and 'save the day', means that Damon's lack of enthusiasm is really not all that significant.

That, and Obama has a year to make decisions that will make hard line liberals happier, and the cover of the Occupy movement within which to make that shift. The demographics support it, and unlike Republican candidates, he continues to have small donor support sufficient to allow him to make those stands.

As to what this means for Congress? Liberals really are discontent, and it is translating into mass action in the form of the Occupy movement,which is forcing the conversation leftward. This translates to more viable liberal candidates, and more moderate candidates able to endorse liberal positions, even in the face of the Citizens United decision.

(disclaimer: Yes, I know that the Occupy movement is not solely a liberal movement. That does not change the fact that the conversations it has invoked have largely been along lines that are part of the liberal tradition.)

I'm headed to the gym now. Like always, I will TRY to find an elliptical machine that does not have Fox glaring down at it, and like always I will be listening to music I truly enjoy. But chances are that Fox will yet again give comic relief to my workout.

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Occupy, Penn State, Rape Culture (and a Small Light in the Darkness)

2011-11-11T19:43:00.001-06:00

Image by daveynin via Flickr*trigger warning for discussion of sexual assault and the culture that perpetuates it*

Several elements of rape culture have come together for me this week to make me think about how pervasive it all is. First, I went to a General Assembly of OccupyKC, the local Occupy Movement, and felt distinctly marginalized when the first comment from a male Occupier was to support a naked parade, and then when I came home, I got subjected to my husband *only* question about my participation: 'Were the women hot?'

Keep in mind that my husband knows me pretty well, and he was in a 'push Maureen's buttons' sort of mood. So yeah. He found my button and pushed. He has duly noted that I am pissed, and rightly is watching his back.

And my reason for not continuing more intimate participation in Occupy, after finally getting my feet wet, is pretty danged simple. There was no diversity in the group, and the group didn't see it as a problem, nor were they working to change it. The 99% is by definition diverse, and yet only a small subsection, mostly college aged middle class males with a few scattered experienced protesters and young women, were represented. There were very few people of color, either. Last I checked, the 99% is not particularly white, statistically.

This is low level, background shit, not the sort of stuff that crawls into my nightmares and dances around. This is just the air we breathe, as women, as people concerned about equality of opportunity and egalitarianism and social justice.

The crap got putrid and rank when the Penn State thing blew up. Let's be clear here: It is not really in dispute by anyone that a senior staff member had a pattern of sexually abusing pre-pubescent boys on site (at work!), and was caught in the act at least twice over the course of a decade or more -- and no one on the staff felt the need to call the parents of these boys, report the crimes to the authorities, or even stop the acts in progress.

And yet. And yet. (And here's where the nightmares come in). The protests, when they came, were not an insistence that everyone who had failed to protect those boys face justice, but that those inconvenient boys with their inconvenient allegations of sexual abuse had embarrassed the University and cost them talented coaching staff.

And yet, in the MRA blogosphere, the idea that the rape culture doesn't exist continues to hold sway. Heck, it even holds sway in the comments section of CNN articles about rape. How dare those children seduce those grown men who held significant power over them.

But don't think I'm here to demonize. I do support Occupy, and I believe Occupy is doing the best it can. Each local organization will either deal with its inclusion problems or suffer from them, and either way there are lessons to be learned.

Radical acceptance (a term from psychotherapy that can be applied internally and externally) demands that I understand that all people, at all times, are doing the best they can within the context of their own experiences. It's a difficult concept. It demands that even when I condemn an action, I don't condemn those who participated in it -- most importantly that I don't invalidate their humanity.

Because -- and this is the thing -- the 'slavering beast' theory of sex abuse is a part of the rape culture too. It's easy to condemn those men (and women) who are so completely different and alien and exceptional that they would consider sexually violating another human being.

Unfortunately, that's not the way it is. Human beings are complex, and sex offenders are human beings. That means that Coach Sandusky is (almost certainly) a pedophile and that he is/was also a great coach, a philanthropist, a man who did enormous good in his community, and probably had other good traits. It's not either/or, it's both/and.

My husband, who considers it occasionally good sport to quote racist and sexist garbage to tease me and get under my skin, is both an inconsiderate asshole and a wonderful partner. I am both a really good therapist and a wife and mother with a hair trigger temper. Thomas Jefferson was both a great statesman and a man who exploited and fathered children with a slave who he first formed a relationship with when she was a young adolescent.

Rape culture: A culture in which acts of sexual assault are supported and enabled by cultural assumptions, laws, and mores.

The 'slavering beast' theory is part of the rape culture. The idea that the rapes of several human beings is less important than potential damage to a school's reputation is part of the rape culture. Calling a fellow player on a video game a 'bitch' and yelling 'I'm going to rape your ass' at the television screen is part of the rape culture. Marginalizing womens' participation in activism and politics by prioritizing their sexual desirability over their ideas is part of the rape culture.

And yet.

I saw a small, accidental glimmer of hope today. I had the opportunity to give a pre-teen boy advice on girls. I suggested that if he wanted to the boy girls like, he needed to listen to them and treat them like they're human beings.

He replied (as if I were stupid, which of course, to a pre-teen I obviously am), 'DUH! Of course I treat them as human beings. They are human beings.' I loved him just a little bit in that moment, even as I heard 'Totally! 'and 'Fer Sure!' in my head.

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On the Occupy Movement and Homelessness

2011-11-05T07:04:00.000-05:00

Image by Getty Images via @daylifeOur urban centers are filled with homeless people. As are many of the remote rural areas, and hidden pockets in the suburbs. As Occupy has taken over the downtown of many cities in the US and the world, the homeless are being displaced, are joining, are interacting, are being accepted by, are being rejected by the Occupiers.

This is to be expected. The Occupiers have tents, and food, and warmth, and hope and optimism, and instead of demanding that the destitute swallow their brand of religion or get no help, the Occupiers (at least in theory) include them among their ranks, and share what they have.

And many of the homeless folk will be a benefit to the movement. They know the ins and outs of surviving outdoors in an urban setting. Many of them are intelligent and canny and have excellent connections with local law enforcement and service organizations.

However (and this is a big however), long term homelessness has issues with some serious dysfunction, including addiction and mental illness. And this can cause problems for an organization seeking change through non-violent mass action.

Here are some basic ideas:

The rules of the camp apply to everyone, including the homeless
The benefits of the camp and the movement apply to everyone, including the homeless
Recruit Occupiers who have some experience with homeless services to help.
Recruit Occupiers who are or have been homeless to help.
"Mentally ill" is not synonymous with "dangerous" and should not be treated as such. If any Occupier is expressing thoughts of harming themselves or others, intervention by law enforcement and/or mental health professionals may be in order. Otherwise, 'odd' is simply odd, so deal with it.
Overuse of substances by Occupiers and the homeless within the ranks of the Occupiers is a significant risk factor for violence and potentially detrimental to the group and its goals. Building a culture of 'we're working here, save the celebration for your home' is a good start.
Do your research on how non-violent movements typically deal with individuals within their ranks who persist in behavior that is detrimental to the movement. Various sorts of mediation are typical, and shunning/expulsion as last resorts.

The bottom line is this: The homeless are part of the 99%, and have legitimate voices to be heard in the chorus. Some homeless folk are more functional than the average Joe or Joanne, and some are less functional. Inclusion is both appropriate and important, and a sense of justice and fairness is equally so. Getting folks who know the issues to beef up the movement is a good way to go, as is seeking outside help where needed.

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Employed and therefore UnOccupied

2011-10-30T15:31:00.000-05:00

Image by HTTP 500 - Internal Server Error via FlickrI got an invitation to go to Occupy Kansas City today to join in the fun. I thought for a bit I might actually go, but in the end I didn't.

It's not that I don't believe in what the movement is doing. I've been harping about income inequality and concurrent issues for years. It's not fear of arrest, either. Heck, I know enough people in the legal system locally in my professional capacity that I'm not actually worried about that at all.

But I didn't go. And I'm unlikely to go on future weekends, though I might.

An inner voice is trying to tell me to tell you that I'm simply playing to my strengths, blogging about it rather than going, but that's not true, or at least not entirely true. I'm an excellent speaker, and I excel at speaking off the cuff with groups.

And yet.

And yet walking out the door and joining the movement formally is more than I'm ready for right now. I can sit here and cheer lead all day. But stand on arthritic knees, march for hours, yell my voice hoarse, and then get up and go to work tomorrow? I don't have it in me right now.

And, like many middle aged and older woman, I need restrooms handy.

I know protest is not for the young. I know that one of the things I most look forward to in retirement is time for protesting.

But I have a job, a job that I need, that ensures that Husband does not have to work himself to death on a bad shoulder in order to keep the family together. My experience tells me that despite the liberalness of my peers, protest is frowned upon by management.

How many others out there are working, have job insecurity, and are paralyzed with fear that protesting will cost them their jobs? How many can't get a sitter and don't want their children in the middle of things when tear gas and rubber bullets start flying? How many have 'invisible' handicaps and the crowds, or the lack of restaurants, or the standing room only nature of the thing keep them away?

And how many of us are silenced by the fear that our employers are taking note and know that there are a dozen people in the wings for the jobs we hold?

Behind the flimsy mask of this pseudonym I use, I tell you the 99 percent are right, that the US is and has been a police state for some time, that the tea partiers and good Christian Republicans have been duped into fighting against their own and their families' interests by irrelevant side issues. But the mask stays on.

I have a couple of Guy Fawkes masks around the house. I may grab one and get some courage one of these days. But in the meantime I'm a mental health medic to those who have been damaged by the 1% who admires, but does not join, those who are on the front lines.

If you believe in this fight but like me can't join the front lines, find a way to contribute. Donate tents, or heaters, or generators or blankets. Pass out gloves and mittens and hats and scarves. Buy pizzas and donate them. A case of bottled water here, a box of protein bars there, can go a long way in a big crowd.

And vote. Vote against the corporations and for your friends, your families, your neighbors, the small businesses. Knock on doors now, today, and find out who isn't registered and who needs help gathering the documents necessary to register. Drive your neighbors to the polls.

The US is still at least nominally a democracy. To make it actually one again, we need to exercise our franchise. We need to fight the vote suppression that is rampant in the country. Each one get one to the polls, and the world will be a better place.

And when your neighbor or friend or family member spouts ignorant stuff she learned on corporate news or from the pulpit? Don't argue, educate. Be prepared with facts and history on your side, and be ready with compassion for her point of view.

Never discount the power of one person to change things. Each little thing you can do matters. Do it.

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'The Gap' vs. Gaps in Service

2011-10-26T18:58:00.000-05:00

Image by Steve-h via Flickr

Everyone knows I'm a bit of a clothes horse. I make my clothes, I thrift my clothes, and occasionally, very occasionally, I even buy new. And I have a lot of fun doing so. And if I wanted to, I could afford to shop at The Gap. I'm not a 1%er by any stretch, but Husband and I make a pretty decent income between us, and we have money left over most weeks after the bills are paid and money is put back.

A lot of people aren't that lucky. I've been in that crowd, and I'm well aware of my privilege relative to many of my friends, neighbors, and the people I serve in my day job. I thrift because I want to, not because I have to. I drive a beat up old car because I value other things more, not because it's the only car I can afford. I live in an old house because I like its character, not because it's the best I can do. Go me.

Occupy Wall Street: A Movement in Search of an Agenda

2011-10-07T07:00:00.000-05:00

Occupy Wall Street is the embryo of a true grassroots movement that has the potential to develop serious clout over the next few election cycles. One of the wonderful things about real grassroots movements (in contrast to AstroTurf movements funded by corporate America) is that they are fluid.

As those who formed the movement educate themselves and knowledge and power grows, the agenda shifts and adjusts to the changes. Ideas become plans and plans become actions. Actions lead to serious political changes.

So why not think big? The man problem – the main idea – behind Occupy Wall Street and its sister Occupy movements is that it is time to end the marriage between big money and government in the US. There are lots of great ideas around about how to go about doing so. I've been known to have one or two myself.

So here's the plan: I'll post some of my ideas, and encourage you to do the same. State or link or sketch your idea for specific agenda items for the movement here, and pass it around so everyone else can do the same. Let's all play 'what if':

What if Federal elections became public financing *only* so that all candidates with a certain amount of support as shown by petitions, etc., have an equal voice in the marketplace of political ideas?

What if the minimum and maximum wage were attached to one another such that no CEO can make more than, say, fifty times what his or her lowest paid worker makes?

What if we just went ahead and worked on one payer health care already?

What if the US constitutionally ended the death penalty (an easy interpretation of the eighth amendment) and ended drug prohibition?

What if infrastructure rebuilding and enhancement – such as roads, schools, colleges, bridges, sewers, water systems, solar and wind installations, etc., became a Federal priority?

What if voting was not only a right but a responsibility, with failure to vote (even if only for 'none of the above') punishable with a fine?

What if civics classes became mandatory not only in public schools, but in private schools and homeschooling agendas, (again), and no one can earn a high school diploma or a GED without basic knowledge of the structure of local, state and Federal government?

What if the Justice department and various state justice departments took their responsibility to go after corporate criminals seriously?

What if the Justice department took its responsibility to go after criminals in government (Cheney, I'm looking at you) seriously?

What if public defenders were actually paid adequately and given a small enough case load to do their work well?

What if it were illegal for corporations to run prisons and the responsibility was returned to the states (who don't have a profit motive)?

What if we left Afghanistan and Iraq right now and started treating our returning veterans the way they deserve?

What if we stopped assuming that the tasks of government and the tasks of business are the same – or even compatible?

Here's a place to pile on with all of your wacky liberal ideas for making the world a better place. Make them as 'pie in the sky', vague, or specific as you want. Just please contribute and pass it on so that the ideas get to the people who are in a place to do something about them.

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Extremis: A Poem

2011-09-22T22:43:00.000-05:00

Extremis

There's plenty of food
if you count ramen and peanut butter.

It almost tastes good with the soy sauce packet I found yesterday. The noodles are just a little mushy.
The water wasn't hot enough to actually cook them.

Sorry kids. Still no TV. I had to pay for my insulin.

Maybe we'll have electricity next week.

Would you like a little help with your homework?

Here, you can catch the sunlight. Unless it's raining.
Or the sun has gone down.

Careful with that candle! If you set the apartment on fire we'll be evicted again.

Shhhhhh. Don't make a sound. Daddy needs his rest. He has to leave for work at midnight. The convenience store never closes. No, he's not going to bring you home a soda. But I'll have him heat you some soup. I'll stick the can in his bag so he won't forget.

Yes, I miss the old house too. I think they tore it down last year. The whole neighborhood is gone now. They're building some mansions there. I never realized how lucky I was for that crappy customer service job.

You know, I have a law degree. Fat lotta good that did me.

Sorry. Didn't mean to sound bitter there. No, honey, I don't have any candy. What's that noise? Oh, nothing. It's just the neighbors yelling again. Finish your homework.

I need to go wake your daddy and help him into his wheelchair.

I love you honey. Don't worry. We'll get through this.

This poem is not based on any one family or set of circumstances, but the problems, and the combination of problems, are so common in the US right now that if you think it's about you, in one sense it is.

Those who end up living on the margins deserve our respect for the hard choices they have to make, not our condemnation when there are no good choices left and their remaining choices have negative consequences.

Don't forget to vote. Your neighbors need you.
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9-11 Coverage and PTSD Triggers – My 9-11 Story

2011-09-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

My husband is sick of me telling him I'm sick of 9-11 coverage. Too bad. I really, truly am. Many of you know I have PTSD. My war zone consisted of the space of a cheap apartment, and the enemy was one short man with a Napoleon complex. The attacks that day did not cause my PTSD. They did, however, aggravate and trigger it.

At the time I worked at a mutual fund company in the transfer agency – the part of the company that registers transactions and handles customer complaints on the 'back end'. We were in Kansas City – far from New York City, but only a few blocks from a Federal Courthouse, the Bolling Federal Building, and the Federal Reserve. All juicy targets for terrorists striking the heartland.
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The Cowardice of Political Hopelessness

2011-08-31T07:39:00.000-05:00

Image via WikipediaHopelessness pisses me off.

This is the deal. The economic woes of the 21st century are fixable. All of them. Poverty, lack of access to health care, income inequality, markets that are in constant flux, even many of the effects of global warming.

The only things lacking in the ingredients list are political will and leadership.
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Reparative Justice and Mortgage Fraud

2011-08-25T06:51:00.000-05:00

Image by Steve-h via Flickr
Reparative justice is one of those new-old concepts that makes the rounds every few years and gains a whole lot of attention and acclaim for the amazing changes it makes in the criminal justice system, and then fades away as the hardened institution fights against the change. That's a shame, actually, as reparative justice is more effective, more efficient, cheaper in the long run, more humane, etc. It would be great if we could get the criminal justice system to embrace it fully and change to make it an integral part of the system in the long run.
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The Help: Just Another Mammy Movie

2011-08-20T09:37:00.000-05:00

A good friend had her birthday yesterday, so we went to dinner and a movie, the bunch of us. The birthday girl picked 'The Help' to watch. I had been paying attention to both the buzz and the criticism, so I had my eyes and ears wide open, and my critical mind engaged. It was a good movie, gut-bustingly funny and poignant at turns. Good, but disappointing as well.
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Mongrel Designs Webcomic: Webcomic 27: Debt Ceiling and Tea

2011-08-15T06:47:00.000-05:00

Mongrel Designs Webcomic: Webcomic 27: Debt Ceiling and Tea

*gigglesnort*

Q: Why is a super villain like a Tea Partier?

A: They both wear ridiculous costumes, make ridiculous plans, and hate America.

In Lieu of Real Content

2011-08-15T05:00:00.001-05:00

E-Card Goodness

Please enjoy this collection of 'too true to be really funny' ecards

Posted via Blogaway

Walking Upstream

On 'Open Marriage' and Newt Tales

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Streaming Underground

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Fox News: The Hardest Part of Working Out

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Occupy, Penn State, Rape Culture (and a Small Light in the Darkness)

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On the Occupy Movement and Homelessness

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Employed and therefore UnOccupied

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'The Gap' vs. Gaps in Service

Occupy Wall Street: A Movement in Search of an Agenda

Extremis: A Poem

9-11 Coverage and PTSD Triggers – My 9-11 Story

The Cowardice of Political Hopelessness

Reparative Justice and Mortgage Fraud

The Help: Just Another Mammy Movie

Mongrel Designs Webcomic: Webcomic 27: Debt Ceiling and Tea

In Lieu of Real Content