through this fevered brow...

here's to a new beginning! ;))

2011-07-16T16:26:00.004+08:00

Tama ka, you were just a waste of time... A waste of my time and space and efforts and feelings and memories and LOVE!

I don’t care what you think or feel or say or do anymore. Gago ka. GAGO!

Wag mong sabihing may concern ka o kung ano pa mang bullshit yan. Tama ka, wala kang kwenta. Buti alam mo, tang ina mo.

For the first time in my life, I’m actually feeling something other than love for you. Something you are actually deserving of. Yawa ka la.

Akala ko noon kahit di ako maka-move on, OK lang. Na kahit di tayo parehas ng nararamdaman, ayus lang basta’t andyan ka. Ngayon naisip ko, hindi naman talaga tayo pwedeng maging friends lang forever. Hindi ko kaya.

Di ko kayang maging kasing-insensitive mo.

Pero naisip ko din: yan pala ang tunay na ikaw.

Tama ka, hindi na kita kilala. And that these feelings I have are for the person I loved 10 years ago. Tama ka, as you always have been.

I was in love with the person who always did everything for me, who always forgave me, who was always patient with me, who never said and did anything to hurt me, and who gave the most fricking damn about me.

Yes that might have been true but God knows how utterly patient I have been to have waited this long and to have loved the person who was the exact opposite. I loved you despite the changes. I loved you no matter what. I loved YOU and you alone.

10 years! Geez, I’ve been an idiot for 10 years!! Frig.

However, I’ve already gone through all the hurt and humiliation, self-pity and all that crap for 10 years. Pagod na ako.

Andami kong pinalampas na chances because of you. I always thought of you and how you’d feel. But you never really gave a shit about me. Once again, tama ka: WALA KA NGANG KWENTA.

I never regretted ever loving you or having known you in the first place. To me, you were the most perfect person I’ve ever met.

But now as I contemplate about it, if I’d be given a chance to go back in time when you first asked me to give you a chance, I would—with all the insensitivity I could muster and notwithstanding the friendship which I once never wanted to lose—just utterly dismiss the idiotic idea and say NO. I won’t think of you and your goddamn feelings, I won’t feel the slightest sympathy for you, I won’t even be friends with you to begin with. And then I would have spared myself 10 years of pointless misery.

Nagsisisi ako. Nagagalit ako. Wala nang natitirang magagandang alaala sa isipan ko na nais ko pang balikan. Siguro nga isang-isa na lang ang kulang: to get rid of the love.

I don’t know how long it would take but I’m glad I’m finally taking this road towards moving on. I will replace all the bitterness with hope. And channel all the love to the people who are most worthy of receiving it. Family and friends and if by any chance he finds me, to the new HIM. (Pero matagal-tagal pa siguro yun, haha!)

For now, cheers to a new beginning!! ^_^

24

2011-05-05T10:02:00.001+08:00

"While he looks so sad in photographs,
I absolutely love him when he smiles." :)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU, my one and only! ^_^
(Yaks. xD)

"special friend"

2011-04-28T02:34:00.000+08:00

OK, so hindi na ako makatulog dahil dun. LoL
Seriously, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
You care for them, they care for you. And despite what you are, you deserve some of what you're having right now din naman at least. Haha.
I'm just glad I could still punch you in the stomach when I want to. Heck, I could still even talk to you. (with HER knowledge hopefully, for she obviously knows nothing about us. LoL)

Eto na ang ending natin. We're OK, we're friends. At OK na ako dun.
The sneaking out moment was really cute. Natunaw nga ako eh. ;)
At may props ka pa talagang toddler. Hahahaha.
Di ka pa rin nagbabago.
For a while there, I was reminded why I fell for you a long long time ago. YUCK. Hahahahaha.

I will always love you.
AS A FRIEND.

Pramis! =D

P.S. This entry isn't about HIM. (As in capital H-I-M.) Just one of my ex-special friends. (Yuck, meganun?! Nyahahaha)

burnout

2011-04-20T19:24:00.004+08:00

We only get the one life, you know.

Hence, unless I get to say that I wouldn't want it without you, I may never stop this "not moving on" drama. Bahala nala, tanga na kun tanga. Ako man lat maaram. (plus my blog readers, of course. LoL. Ang labo!)

I have (literally) deliberately pushed you out of my system for who-knows-how-frickin-long, but these dreams never lie. Tama ang wish fulfillment theory ni Freud -- mukhang gustong gustong gusto na ata kitang makita.

Ay oo nga pala, segue lang: nagkita kami once. ACCIDENTALLY.

NAGKITA, as in: nagtinginan, nagtitigan, nagtaka kung hallucination lang yung moment, at hindi nilapitan ang isa't isa.

YUP, ganun ako kalabo. At ganun siya ka-epal.

Anyways, the point is that, after the incident I realized how so overly NOT over you I still am.

Pero oks lang, di na ako ganun kabaliw gaya nung dati.

Ayaw muna kitang makita at makausap. FOR NOW.
(Unless of course maulit yung epal na moment na yun. LoL)

Basta pramis, pag natapos na ang mga dapat kong tapusin, I shall seek thee. :D

Don't worry, I won't ask you to feel the same. Gusto ko lang malaman mo para maka-move on na rin ako. Ayaw na kasi kitang mahalin, FYI lang.

Sana sa susunod na blog entry, Free As A Bird by The Beatles na ang theme song ng lovelife ko.

"O kay tagal din kitang minahal...
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin." :D
- Sugarfree

bitter

2010-06-24T10:07:00.004+08:00

I wouldn't want to think that we'd see each other again because at this point, unlike all those other times when seeing you was everything that ever mattered, I REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE.

It's bad enough that you broke my heart when you chose to do nothing. And I guess you've already proven your point. So please, just give my stupid heart a chance to heal. PARANG AWA MO NA... Konting-konti na lang naman makakalimutan na din kita. KONTING-KONTI NA LANG, pare... =)

A humongous amount of WASTED TIME -- that's all it had ever been, really. But with all the time I've spent deliberating on you and how the thought of you affects me so—with much surprise and a seemingly grand vision of epiphany for myself—I realized that you really are NOT THE ONE FOR ME. You never were and you never will be.

Mahirap isipin, mahirap aminin, at mahirap tanggapin, what with all the time and the energy and ob kors, THE LOVE, pare… xD
Pero ganun talaga eh: THE TRUTH HURTS, ika nga. And there’s one more truth I’ve discovered: ISA KA NGA PALANG JERK, and I’m so glad to have realized that.

Haha. May “LIGHT” din naman pala “AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.” And for me, it was one which bore the one question I was too afraid to ask all this time…

KUN KAYANU IKAW???
(Kayanu nayawa IKAW?? LoL. xD)

Ayoko na ring mag-isip pa tungkol sa mga Love-is-a-battlefield-Wag-maniwala-sa-destiny-dahil-ang-destiny-ay-nasa-ating-mga-kamay na CRAP because I’ve already exhausted everything that I have, and I still don’t have you.

Alam mo ba kung ano’ng ibig sabihin nun? ANG TANGA MO, pare. GAGO ka. At siguro nga tanga din ako. Dahil sa araw-araw na lang na ginawa ni Lord, IKAW at IKAW PA RIN ang pinili ko. GAGO.

But anyway, despite everything, I still want to thank you for having given my life a complication. And for having been the fuel and the sole inspiration to my literature. Wala lang, THANK YOU lang. Naisip ko kasi, since I’m gonna be hating you for the rest of my life, I might as well be kind to you for one last time, so THANK YOU.

Sasabihin ko sanang “I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH” or “I HOPE YOU F**KING DIE IN YOUR SLEEP” pero dahil kahit paano ay may pinagsamahan din naman tayo, so eto na lang…

I hope one day I could say the words “I DON’T F**KING LOVE YOU ANYMORE” to your face not because I’d want to hurt you or anything but because it’s the friggin truth. Pero for now, GOOD RIDDANCE!

SANA HINDI KA MAGING MASAYA KAHIT KELAN.
You deserve that. You really do. :)

TAE

2010-06-18T11:41:00.001+08:00

Lagi nalang ba tayong ganito?
Di na ba tayo aabot dun sa puntong ngingiti ka dahil may sinabi ako tas sasabihin mo din na masaya ka dahil andito na tayo?
Malabo na ba talagang mangyaring magkaintindihan tayo ULIT?

Sana talaga di nalang tayo nagkakilala.
At sana din hindi mo na ako binigyan pa ng dahilan para maghintay pa.

TAE kasi.
Para tayong istoryang di matapos-tapos.
Oo nga may progression, pero wala namang matinong PLOT.
At nung halos umabot na tayo sa climax, para namang biglang nag-flashback sa panahong di na tayo nag-uusap!
TAE talaga.
Anti-climactic, ika nga.
At ang mas chaka pa dun, dahil di ko alam ang problema, e di wala din akong ibang maisip na resolution kundi ang maghintay...

Duwag ako. Manhid ka.
Kaya nga ba di tayo bagay na dalawa?

LoL.

Pero di nga, on a more serious note, sabihin mo lang and I'm gone. Sabihin mo lang and these feelings will never again be in that dormant state up until they're triggered once we meet again. Sabihin mo lang and I'll do whatever I can to stay away from you. One word from you, really, and I'm all GONE. Pramis!

Para naman magkaroon na rin ng ending. Kahit sad, at least may ending. At least, may chance nang magkaroon ng matinong epilogue yung istorya.

At higit sa lahat, para di ko na kelangan pang ma-guilty kahit in the first place ay wala naman akong dapat ika-guilty.
Di ba?

Baka lang kasi di mo pa ramdam na I DON'T WANT TO BE YOU FRIEND.
Or maybe at some point, I thought I could.
But it really hurts. To be able to see you and not be able to hold you the way I want to. GAYA NUNG DATI. (Char!! :D)

Yakan pa ha usa na kanta:
"You're the only light this empty room has ever had. Life without you is gonna be BLUER THAN BLUE... "

Hahahaha... YUCK!! xD

LoL...

2010-06-11T16:10:00.001+08:00

I guess this is IT.
The moment I have been waiting for...

It wasn't quite what I expected,
But it still led to the one thing that, for all intents and purposes, I had been asking for all these years.

Thanks for doing nothing.
You know you're really good at that.

Thanks for the friendship.
I guess it's as good as over now too.

And thank you for breaking my heart...
Ever as usual.

Now you can go.
And please, don't ever come back.

I LOVED YOU.

Then again, I'm glad you were too busy to not know. =D

"embolus"

2010-06-01T10:16:00.005+08:00

Although I’ve already thought, re-thought, and over-thought about it a million times, I guess the realizations will never really come to a complete closure until that day when I finally get what I want from you: the TRUTH.

It could hurt, but it would spare me from a pointless love chase less the “love” in the very least. And more importantly it would finally make come true the endless on-and-off resolution I’ve sworn to do for too many times: TO MOVE ON!! :D Yakan pa man ni Madel: “Puydi next chapter na??” Hahaha.

I know I’ve done things that might have seemed contrary to the fact that I love you. But I swear, I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I know I’ve been a coward. Repressing these thoughts just to spare me from the bitter truth and giving in to such cowardly assumptions…

For I love you, I had to let you go.

One good thing came out of it though: we were made to realize that we could still be better, and that we still had a friendship that’s worth keeping.

I could still endure whatever may come. Maaram kanaman di ko gud ikaw natitiis. Nyahaha! :D

waray klaro! :D

2010-05-28T11:45:00.001+08:00

So I asked him if THEY (although for obvious reasons I only wanted to know if HE) could come home for the mini-reunion at the Arbas mansion this Sunday. And he said…

“Hi maloy it cgurado na mauli, ako ky wry pa klaro”

LoL. Nangatawa ak han phrase na “ako ky wry pa klaro.” Haha. If that line had only been said on an entirely different set of circumstances—like perhaps in relation to your true effing feelings (!!!)—then I would have replied (with much sarcasm, if I may add) with this:

“PIRMI MAN! :D”

Nyahahaha… I wish I could say things like that to his face! But, I couldn’t. So, that’s that.

I could only hope that all this “MISSING HIM-AND-LONGING-FOR-HIM-AND-DYING-TO-BE-WITH-HIM” drama I’ve had for the past few light-years is worth the friggin wait. LoL! Jusmiyu na kadramahan abaadaw!! :D

the little things

2010-05-26T11:41:00.002+08:00

I love how you ask me this: “Kay-anu, nadiri ka?” when I see something new with your “look.”
It almost makes me think that you CARE about what I think.
But just so you know, you don’t have to worry about it because I like it the way it is. Ayeee! :D

I love how you explain to me about stuff.
It makes me think that you don’t want me to be an IMBECILE or something. Haha.
But just so you know, I listen to every little thing you say. :D

I love the fact that you’re never late.
It makes me think that you really want to see me. Nyahahaha
I mean, seriously, na-o-obvious ka lugud! Hahaha. :D

I love how you remember the things that I say.
And how you generalize what I like and what I don’t like based on what I tell you.
Like how you thought I didn’t like Boys Over Flowers just because I said I hated New Moon because it was a love story na parang ewan. Hahaha.
But just so you know, I would watch New Moon if you would. Ayeee! :D

I love that you slice my pizza for me. ^^,
Whether it was out of kindness or whatnot, I couldn’t care less.
You could keep doing that every time and I won’t mind. :D

I love that you do what you can to make me feel comfortable wherever those foreign places are that we go to.
It almost makes me feel like you really CARE.
Yes, as in the “more than friends” type of care. Nyahahaha! :D

And lastly, I love the fact that you show up when I need someone to show up most.
You really are a “true friend.” =)

And so you see, you do these things and leave me in an effing daze!
You know, it wouldn’t be so impossible to hate you if you weren’t this kind and sweet and thoughtful and amazing.

But just so you know, I appreciate everything—even if they’re in the context of us being “just friends.”
Thank you. =)

friends...

2010-05-20T17:32:00.001+08:00

Come to think of it, I haven’t really been a good friend to him, at least not as good a friend as he is to me. I remember how I used to ask him for advice on forgetting that one person who has broken my heart very badly. And I remember him saying that he could not relate to what I was feeling and that he was sorry he couldn’t help. *sigh* But I do remember him saying this one: “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” (That’s already like my ultimate motto in life. LoL :D)

He has practically always been there (although not literally) because I could always spill my heart out to him and he would always listen. He may not always understand how it feels like to be broken-hearted but he could always make it seem like, just like any other thing, it was something which I could get by.

He knew how hard it was for me to go gaga over someone who treated me like crap. And I remember telling him every crappy thing this “moron” has done to me and he would always try not to react. He’s not at all perfect but he would try his best not to hurt me, especially with his “words” since it’s our only form of communication. And I would always love it when he explains to me how difficult it is for him to express what he feels through “TEXT.” And I sooo love it when he explains because these explanations would make up the longest text messages he’d ever send to me. (not like his usual messages which average 5 words. :D)

I remember hearing his thoughts on PMS and EMA and stuff. And I remember contemplating on it and comparing him to the “moron” who broke my heart, and then telling him, “Agi kay buutan ka man, adto kay pervert!” Hahahaha… And I would smile at the thought of him laughing at it because I would think to myself that perhaps it was the only consolation he had for putting up with my endless rants. *sigh*

And now what have I done for him, as a “friend”?

Well, I always tried my best to be nice, although I always ended up being sardonic and, at times, even totally apathetic. But deep down, God knows how deeply and genuinely concerned I was about him, as a friend. :D

I am amazed at how we’ve managed to still be friends despite what happened to us in the past. And by “friend,” I mean actually not having any more love for him (in the romantic sense) because I really just saw him as a friend then.

But that was then. xD

I remember summer of 2007 when we saw each other for the most number of times since high school.

I remember when we went to Tolosa and I practically just spent the night sleeping at Jandy’s house because I didn’t want Jandy’s brother to see me outside. LoL!! But eventually, they (the Pahals) asked me to go to the beach and I went with them but I didn’t join them in bathing. So anyway, he sat with me by the shore. I forgot what we talked about but I know it wasn’t something personal. It was like a 1/3 conversation + 2/3 silence kind of moment. And an awkward moment at that! I asked him to sit in front of me kay mahagkut adto an hangin tikang ha dagat. And he obliged, ever as usual. LoL.

And there was that time when we (the Pahals) went to his place just because Marlou said, “Basta pakadto kay may pangaun!” Haha. I had no idea it was a grad party for his mother and when we went in, his mother called me and I was amazed at how she still remembered my name. *sigh* I remember he asked me to drink the beer which he opened for me, and I outrightly dismissed it. He told me to drink it or else… :D And that was awkward moment #2. Haha.

And I remember when we were at Kristel’s house for the fiesta. We (Churny and I) went there on short notice and only because they (the Pahals) were there. I remember wanting to leave right after eating because I knew there’d be a drinking session afterwards, and I simply don’t drink. (KJ noh? :D) So I was basically just standing by the stairs and ready to leave when he “cornered” me (LoL! :D) and asked me to stay a while longer. *sigh* And that was awkward moment #3. Haha!

Those were the memorable ones—memorable in the sense that they were the only ones I remembered. Haha. But I could very well remember how every time we said goodbye, he would always tell me, “Text na la.” :D

And now that I think of it that was actually the time when my love for him was really purely Platonic and it was almost like I was ignoring him all the time—or at least when he tried talking to me.

After that summer, we had not seen each other for almost 3 years. :D

And now I have no idea why I remember these things all of a sudden. It’s probably because I’m confused.

It’s just that when I’m alone with him (which almost always means that I get to experience his slightly repulsive personality), I would madly wish that the day would just end as soon as effing possible. And then when the day is done and I get to think of what has happened (which almost always means that I realize just how kind and sweet and thoughtful he really is, but only in the weirdest ways), I would madly wish that I’d see him again as soon as effing possible! I mean, is that CRAZY or what?? :D

Perhaps we’re better off as friends… But then again, on second thought, DIRI AKO HIT FRIENDS LA!! :D

I LOVE HIM. That’s all there is to it, really. ^_^

whatever...

2010-05-13T18:48:00.005+08:00

For some time now, I've been waiting for that moment-slash-incident-slash-"big mistake" which would eventually lead me to HATE you... But, unfortunately, I'm not about to recount some hateful acts which you've committed because there haven't been any yet (at least as far as our "friendship" is concerned). No matter how insensitive you are, when you do what you do to me (i.e. those that spell "kind and sweet and gentlemanly" xD), it altogether erases whatever irk I have for still not knowing what you really feel.

ASAR noh? =) Pero ganun talaga eh, if I weren't this patient, then maybe I wouldn't deserve you. Para na nga akong gumagawa ng incident report ngayon dahil sa tindi ng pag-ulan ng alibis sa utak ko. The how's and why's of whatever led us to this kind of relationship just piles up until I'm left with only the biggest remorse I have ever had in my entire life.

I don't know if I still have the right to expect as much as I do now given the mixed "signs" that I'm receiving. But if I had known you for only a short time, I'd have given you up as easily as I did the others (for lack of a more appropriate term, haha). But then again, I know for a fact that that's just you. If I'd attempt to change or at least talk you into changing the way you deal with people, most especially with me (!), then you wouldn't be the "YOU" whom I LOVE. (eew! :D)

But kidding aside, whatever it is or however weeny it is that you have to give, I will accept it. THAT is how much I love you... =)

i wish you were here... T_T

2010-03-30T20:00:00.000+08:00

I wish for a time when we could talk as if not a single thing from our past had ever happened.
I wish there was a way for me to know you without risking a broken heart.
I wish you had never been good to me and had never thought good of me.
I wish we had never become friends and never concurred to the same idiotic crap we'd ever obsessed on.
I wish there was a way for us to forget that we had once fallen in love with our idiotic selves.
I wish love had never come in the way of our friendship.
I wish we had stayed friends. I wish we had only been friends.
I wish I never liked you. And loved you. And hurt you.
I wish there was some way to forget everything you are and everything you'd done.

I wish I never met you.
That way I would never miss you as badly as I do now.

I WISH YOU WERE HERE... T_T

"the scientist"

2010-03-02T15:21:00.005+08:00

I think it's best that I stop this while I still can. After all, it's not like there's the existence of something mutual other than friendship here.

I know that you love me. And you don't want me to be hurt, in as much as I don't want you to be, either. I also know that you still care. You even care enough to still be my friend and to still give a shit about me when I was slowly falling apart and to give your doses of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" advices p.r.n. Then again, apparently still not enough to make you change your stupid plans for me, more so change your friggin drinking and smoking habits for me even for just a day.

I guess I've also grown tired of waiting... Of endlessly hypothesizing. Of planning for stupid schemes that never had once come to fruition. Of over-analyzing those goddamn feelings of yours based on the littlest things that you tell me.

"It's such a shame for us to part..." without me knowing what lies there in your idiotic HEART!
I still love you though... Only that, I think it's finally time for me to let go. =)

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES... =)

kalokohan...

2010-02-25T19:48:00.002+08:00

Bakit ako dapat magalit?

(1) no reply since who-knows-when
(2) he told me to text him if something comes up and now he doesn't give a damn that I did.
(3) I had to know that he was coming home through a friend's FB wall (!)
(4) he never bothered to let me know whatever it was that I wanted him to tell me (if ever those friggin posts were actually true)
(5) for the nth time, he made me feel so effing UNIMPORTANT!
(6) buti pa ang iba, narereply-an nya't nababati...
(7) and because despite these aforementioned premises, I'd still be willing to forgive him if he explains to me what's happened to him for the past few days! (And that makes me a friggin IDIOT. And I feel so shitty because of it, and I am given reasons to hate myself, and I don't friggin like it, so dapat akong magalit! T_T)

Then again, bakit naman ako HINDI dapat magalit?

(1) hindi naman kami... (agi, OUCH!! xD)
(2) thus, I've no right to feel such emotions as these...
(3) moreover, no right to expect, more so demand, anything as grand as him answering my messages and letting me know where he is, or in the very least, asking me how I'm doing. T_T
(4) we're just friends, and friends don't make such a big deal out of such lame reasons as that which I have.
(5) wala naman talaga siyang ginagawang masama; he's just making me feel how he really feels about and thinks of me: Friggin UNIMPORTANT. Friggin WASTE OF TIME. Friggin "JUST A FRIEND". And friggin NOTHING MORE...

What if what I'm feeling is just one big friggin MISTAKE and he's really not "the one"?
What if what I've waited for what seemed like decades was not meant for me all along?

Or maybe... What if all of this just serves to underscore the real meaning of LOVE: that is, over and above everything else, PATIENCE?
And maybe I'm just being a bit overly dramatic.
Maybe there really is an underlying reason for his actions and I just overreacted because anything that involves him, especially that which spells the "HIM HURTING ME" drama, is something to be overreacted upon just because I f**king love him!

*sigh*

LOVE... YOU... ME...
Will these friggin entities ever belong to the same wavelength?

LoL!! Ang OA ko! =D

"Ang LOVE, parang turtle na lumilipad -- KALOKOHAN." :D

minamalas

2010-02-22T09:52:00.004+08:00

Perhaps they were meant to let you know that I have moved on. But of course I still care. It's one of the many curses you've left me for being in love with you ONCE. TWICE. THRICE. n number of times where n>the number of years of my existence on planet Earth.

If you've read, I hope you realize some "things".

Hindi ako papansin. Hindi rin ako OA.
Siguro nga gusto ko lang malaman kung ano na nga ba.
Because if I had to live this life for you, and all you'll ever be giving me is a friggin POSSIBILITY, bangin malagas nala intawun ak paghinulat. Hahahahaha...

Hindi lang ikaw ang may kakayahang maging insensitive. At hindi porke't mahal kita e hahayaan ko na lang na maging parati nalang na ganito...

Only question left now is: WILL I EVER EVER KNOW? @_@

Haaaaay...... Malas ko, ikaw ang natipuhan ko... T_T

kibir!

2010-02-17T19:59:00.002+08:00

I just want to let it all out. So that when my desire to push through with this KABALIWAN is all gone and I tire of crying my bleeding heart out, baka makalimutan na kita. Wala na akong pakialam kung umuwi ka man next week. In the event na mag-text ka, WALA NA AKONG PAKIALAM!!! T_T

Do you know how hard it is to have someone as insensitive, and manhid, and indifferent towards my feelings as the love of my friggin life?!

How could I have loved someone who'd hurt my feelings now and again, and then once in a blue moon would make me ecstatic and make it seem like there's something mutual between us when in fact there's friggin nothing! Someone who'd tell me to text him if something comes up and not give a damn if I do. And someone who'd, in one way or another, make me feel as unattractive as some pimply four-eyed geek who had never had a lovelife since birth!

PAIN. Frankly that's all you'd ever caused me. And for that, I wouldn't want to need you anymore.

I really thought we had a chance at something... I used to love you so much, you know that? I used to love you, and every time I tried to tell you, the oddest of odds would materialize. Hahahahaha... Dapat pala sineryoso ko yung signs. Baka nga naman ayaw talaga sa atin ng tadhana and I was so silly to think that this friggin free will was what I needed. Y**K la.

Just like I said, bahala ka na tim life, bahala nala liwat ak hit ak. KIBIR!

bahala na...

2010-02-15T19:57:00.001+08:00

I hate him. I promise never to associate myself with him ever again. EVER!

He was "the only one I cared enough to hurt about" and has practically given me nothing but heartache... A million fears and insecurities, and a reason to hate myself. LECHE!

I used to think that I'd have nothing to live and die for if you were gone. But right now, I'd rather be "empty" than be bombarded with all these heartaches every day of my life. If my memory of you could just leave my brain just like on that 50 First Dates movie, then I'd be happy. With that I wouldn't have to wake up every morning feeling all shitty because I longed for something which Icouldn't ever have. T_T

I swear, from this day on, diri na ak makig-istorya ha im EVER! Not unless you give me a good reason why you've been ever so bagtik lately -- and for all of your life even! Bisan kapa makig-istorya, di nak makig-istorya ha im. Bisan pa daw mag-appear pa nga bitter ak, bahala nala.

Nevertheless, who am I kidding? As if such a thing would ever occur: you talking to me or you even bothering to ask how I'm doing. Hin-u ba naman ako para kamustahun mo? We're not even close. And no matter what I do, I couldn't ever amount to your so-called "friends."

Pero sige la, bali ba. Tikang yana, bahala ka na tim kinabuhi, bahala nala liwat ak hit akon. Diri na ak... T_T

kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako... ^_^

2010-02-05T08:56:00.006+08:00

It felt like our "FIRST DATE" all over again... Only that, as much as I'd want it to be otherwise, for now, we're really "just friends". =)

Ironic, isn't it?
How the best-laid of plans would end up being futile; and how that one single spontaneous short notice would come to yield the most memorable "FRIENDLY DATE" ever... ^_^
How with the mere act of conversing, and none so much as a hug or a touch taking place, the most KILIG of all moments would materialize... ^_^
And how with the friggin EMBOLUS-like state of our "relationship", i.e., literally DISLODGED and FREELY-FLOATING as "JUST FRIENDS", we've come to share more of ourselves and have, in so many ways, become "more than friends" than we'd ever been. ^_^ Eeeeee... :D

So. It's been two and a half years of delaying this so-called "gratification" and if I may as honestly as add, spending the rather emptiest days of this friggin life without (literally) seeing him... But alas! At long long last, we finally met. =)
How joyous it would have been though if the circumstances surrounding our so-called careers had agreed to us being together, and more importantly, if his true feelings (which for all intents and purposes have practically remained a mystery up to this point in time!) were the same as that of mine.
JUSMIYU NGA PANHUNA-HUNA ABAADAW!

Nevertheless, that night was wonderfullest of all... ^_^
When I'd come to think of it, all I'd ever remember was being HAPPY.
For he was there, and for one and a half hours he was all mine. (Bwahaha! xD)
And even before that, the "signs" had seemed to connive for it to happen after a long long time of waiting for our friggin "DATE-ON-STANDBY" status to come to fruition. :D

And now... I am just so friggin filled with thoughts of HIM, and only HIM... ^_^

The way his face would seem to glow everytime he smiled...
The way his eyes would seem to dance around each time he spoke of his own little stupid jokes and his stupid plans for the future...
And the way his skin would seem to conduct some sort of electric impulse each time he'd bump his foot onto mine in an effort to stop me from pestering him for the corniest of his jokes...

When I'd think of all the million little things that, in one way or another, make him the freakazoid that I adore,
I would just freeze in nostalgic ecstasy...
And vividly recall how I would melt everytime those eyes would see through mine...
And then without further analysis or whatnot, I would all over again doubtlessly conclude ~~THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM.~~ ^^,

Hahahahaha... Obvious ba? xD
Basta... Kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako. ^_^

I guess I'm just grateful that we met.
And despite everything, I'm still glad that we're "JUST FRIENDS". =)

sitting, waiting, wishing...

2009-12-30T19:56:00.001+08:00

Once again, it's one of those days when I'd think of you just when I'm about to sleep and then my mind would wander off to a memory of you sitting close to me, embracing me with those sturdy arms, and sharing with me that warmth that so lavishly entwined our then euphoric hearts, which never would have overworked themselves the same way, except maybe in the direst situations when we're miles apart and we couldn't wait to see each other again, and then...

I'd begin to wonder if I'd ever feel the same way for somebody again EVER.
Well, perhaps not. Obviously because the thought of you, in the multifarious dimensions of it, has become the center of my attention and of my deepest and darkest hopes and fears for the past n years of my friggin life. DANG!

I wish I never welcomed the thought that I could have you. Because in the first place, I have not the teeniest right to. No matter how much free will permits me, it would only be so shitty.

I guess I've grown tired of making up alibis to see you. And oh, how I wish there'd come a time when I'd be able to talk to you not because I'm in need of your help but because I merely want to be with you... If that's still ever gonna happen. T_T

in other words, i love you... =)

2009-12-29T22:30:00.003+08:00

Being without you, while still utterly entertaining the thought of you and the thought that I could still have you again, is BULLSHIT.
You're not here, but since as always, you're still the center of my every thought and my every action, still feels like you're here... Only that it's just one big fat friggin ILLUSION which I choose to live under for reasons that are only fathomable by this pathetically pragmatic mind of mine. Geez!!

Why do I please myself with these crazy memories when I could make every one of them real??
Why do I live each day thinking that someday, at the right place and at the right time, we'll be together again, when I have every chance there is to be with you NOW??
Why do I still struggle to find the right words when I know perfectly well that they won't matter as long as we're in the same realm sharing that one same moment and then everything would just fall into place then??
Why do I choose to be the coward that I am now and live my every friggin day without you knowing how profoundly I feel for you??

I LOVE YOU.

Will I forever write these words down and just wait for some great miracle that'd make you read them?
Arghhh!!! I'm a basket case!! T_T

pag sinasaktan mo ako, yan ang gusto ko! :D

2009-11-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

When in more ways than one you make me feel like I'm of no importance to your life.
When you never care to tell me more, simply because I don't ask for it.
When you base your goddamn decisions solely on what's right and not on what pleases you. (or me)
When you seem not to think about how I'd feel during practically every moment of your life.

When without the least effort you give me the impression that you're okay without me.
When you give me exactly what I need and nothing "more".
When you deliver those advices in the bluntest, most tactless of all ways.
When you elicit--directly and/or indirectly--jealousy within me, in every sense of the word!

When you make me think and make me feel that I'm stupid.
When you prove to me that you're always right and that I'm always wrong.
When you give such concise remarks that leave me hanging in wonderment every effing time.
When you just sit there and do nothing, and yet still ultimately give off that intimidating aura.

When you're constantly being your stubborn self.
When you don't listen to me and you don't take care of yourself.
When you go and drink like there's no friggin tomorrow!
And even when, you seem ever-so-effing-unaffected by my absence......

YOU BREAK MY HEART, do you know that?

But then again, that's you.
Whether you conscientiously do what you do to me every day of our effing lives, or not,
You give me reason to be with you more and more.

At the end of the day,
When you tell me how you feel,
When you laugh at my lamest jokes,
When you flash the smile that I so rarely see,
And when you apologize for mistakes that are really mine in the first place...

I DIE. ^^,

Which is why, despite everything, I'm still here for you.
Kasi...

"Pag sinasaktan mo ako, 'yan ang gusto ko!" (Pedicab)
Hahahahaha...

I LOVE YOU.
In every friggin sense of that phrase!

GAGO! :D

"I never left... I waited..."

2009-11-05T09:54:00.001+08:00

Thank you for not being there. And for understanding.
Although it wasn't clear to you why I wasn't the slightest ready to face you yet, what with all my issues and all that, na-gets mo pa rin.
There was a second there though when I actually felt I could succumb to it.
I mean, I WAS THERE, for goodness' sake! Oo na nga lang ang kulang. :D

Then again, Fortuna sure was playing with me and these goddamn feelings of mine.
Nag-bran awt.
Na-empty batt.
Nasira ang landline.
Umulan nang umulan nang umulan.
At bumaha... The whole friggin night.

Buti sana kung nangyari ang mga kamalasang iyon nung nakarating ka na at magkasama na tayo!
HAHAHAHAHA...
Hahay... If only I said yes in the first place...
But, I didn't. So, that's that.
Ayaw lang talaga sa atin ng tadhana, pare. =D

it's not you, it's me! :D

2009-11-03T21:33:00.002+08:00

Time only ever seems to fly when you're here.
And I can't seem to find the strength
To be with you now
When everything is so friggin perfect!

I have craved for and yet have been dreadfully afraid of IT.
The thousand smiles it brings.
The occasional bursts of tachycardia.
The profusion of waste from my every friggin body part!

The vision of your arms caressing my hips on a ceaseless "statue" dance
Just pops out every other time.
And the darn truth is:
I NEVER GET SICK OF IT.
Because silly as it may seem,
It's my friggin wish fulfillment dream of all dreams!

I WANT TO BE WITH YOU.
Like a sweater is to your goosebumped skin.
Like a cap is to your newly cut hair.
And like alcohol is to your naninikip na lalamunan.

"I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm begging you to beg me..." (Cheap Trick)

But I just don't seem to give you a freakin DAMN. :D

"wala lang"

2009-10-30T00:52:00.001+08:00

This friendship thing really sucks!
No matter what I do, it seems like the bravest thing I've only ever done is place you in my Recycle Bin and then for what seems like a thousand times recover you from there whenever you ask me to.
I've never really been true to my "forgetting you" words. I'm a coward when it comes to this.

Sabi nga ng character dun sa soap opera:
"I'd rather have you as a friend than not have you in my life at all." or something like that.

CRAP.
Di ko namalayang istorya na pala ng buhay ko ang linyang yun.
P**ANG *NA!!!

I've been so friggin content with what we have that I failed to realize that it was time for me to move on! And that should have been light years ago! P*T*K!

I should have ended this permanently. I should have terminated every stinking connection I had with you when I had the chance. (Or the chances... Thousands of chances...)
I should have stopped being your friend, in every sense of the word!
After all, ang dami mo na namang FRIENDS diyan. Losing me would surely be REPARABLE (if that's even a word).

For once, please just IGNORE ME.

After which, I swear it's kaputt for me.
Ayoko na ng ganitong feeling, pare. Napapagod din naman ako kahit pa'no.
Pero shempre di mo alam yun.
Akala mo kasi "wala lang" 'to.......