through this fevered brow...

Because what do I know?

2015-02-20T12:05:00.001+08:00

Ayoko na. Hindi na healthy 'to.

Is it wrong to treat him like a friend when we're really just friends to begin with? Am I supposed to make him feel like something has changed kahit ako lang naman 'to and it's all in my stupid head?

I appreciate the patience. I really do. Not everyone has the guts to be friendly with me even if I seem to dismiss their efforts. I don't even know why I keep doing that. Instinct, I guess. I'm mean. I'm apathetic. I'm a hermit. (lol)

And you, of all people, shouldn't be kind to me. I don't deserve it. T_T

I'm just used to not seeing it until it hits me right between the eyes. It's my thing. I don't want to assume. I need proof. (lol)

But thanks for today, geek. Thanks for the "effort". Ganito pala ang feeling ng umaasa sa iba. Hahaha. I'll miss this when you "unfriend" me, which I bet is going to happen pretty soon, what with the denseness of my personality. And thank you because whenever I feel like sh*t for expecting, you're there (albeit not physically, dahil di pa ako ready para dun, wahaha). You make me laugh and you're perfect and you're amazing... And you may not feel it right now, but you're important to me. (charot)

And you... Well, you don't need my expert opinion on anything and you can certainly do without my bullying. You deserve a better friend. So just disappear, okay?

Meanwhile, I'll take advice from The Corrs:

"Who knows I might feel better if I don't try and I don't hope?"

Haha. Laters! ;)

Date your face.

2015-02-16T12:24:00.000+08:00

Yup. He has now become the weirdest person on earth, texting me only on special occasions, which I'm afraid I've gotten to figure out, and thus, lagi na akong mag-eexpect neto. (lol)

No more of those random texts about outdated trivia. No more asking if I've seen the trailer to this movie and that. He asks about "deep stuff", which makes him boring to me now.

Will this ever end? Because I am too f**king tired for this sh*t. You can't just make me feel like sh*t for weeks and then ecstatic for a day, and then make me feel like sh*t all over again for the rest of my days. It's not funny anymore.

Is it even a sign if you never asked for it in the first place? Why were you even there? Nevertheless, the sound of my name from your mouth feels like an Ed Sheeran song to me now. It's been stuck in my head for the past 32 hours.

You have no idea what you've done. And I don't ever want you to know.

I have no secrets to share with you. I'm the worst friend you could ever have. And I can't even make you laugh. So what do you want from me?

Never mind. I don't even want to know. I'm just glad the next "occasion" is happening three months from now (i.e. Star Wars Day, lol). That gives me enough time to forget you and quit you for good. After all, there's no other reason for you to be texting me, right?

Good luck with life and everything! :)

Feel demolished even though...

2015-02-05T13:15:00.000+08:00

You said it yourself. You want him to be a mystery forever. And now that you're given the chance to keep guessing, you say you don't have time for it. How schizo could you get? >_<

One thing is for sure, though. If it wasn't there, you can't force it to be there, and it won't be there sooner or later. That's life.

It's rare to find someone you feel has lived the same life as you. A soul mate of sorts (but not really). He makes you feel like you belong and that he's not the god you think he is, but a mere ugly being just like you. And when he does, you wish for it to stay that way forever. Then again, this isn't one of those movies where things are just so f**king simple.

You're from a different world. A world he will never come to understand and you'll never allow him into, for all the FUBAR reasons. But more than anything, you do not want what is not yours. And he's just something that will never be yours.

Thank you for being the inspiration I've been waiting for. You'll forever be my favorite nerd. =)

I am so ripped.

2015-01-12T00:38:00.000+08:00

"The future that we hold is so unclear... but I'm not alive until you call."

Or text. Whatevs. :p

Seriously, I don't know what to think anymore. All I know is this has to stop, or else I won't ever have the strength to do the right thing. (Charot.)

I was perfectly fine playing the depress-depressan drama when you didn't greet me first thing on my birthday. (Nag-eexpect kasi, lol.) I even tweeted, para feel na feel.

Ang OA ko rin eh noh. Hahaha. Anyway, that should have been the perfect ending to this tragedy. But you just had to ruin it, by making me smile again. (Charot.)

(I'm not 29 yet, by the way. He just thought it was funny because he's corny like that. He once made an acronym for this common friend that we had, just to make fun of his complexion. What a jerk.)

He has no f**king clue what effect he has on me, so I just go and make him feel like I don't ever want to let him in -- because he can't, because it's not right, because he's my friend, and because he's so f**king perfect!

I'd rather let him torture me with his absence than be close to him. He's been what I wanted him to be and I'm happy just being the "girl na friend", so can't we just stay that way forever? Whatever is wrong with being just friends?

We're not even close. We probably never will be. I'm used to it and I'm fine with it, because I thrive in the agony of not knowing. And you probably won't understand because you're amazing and sh*t.

Whatever. I don't know. Do I have to know? All I know is, in the words of Radiohead:

"You're so f**king special... and I'm a creep." >_<

How do I unlike you?

2015-01-01T02:07:00.000+08:00

What the what?!

When you say 'Bye' to him after one of those random conversations, and then you go to sleep and you get this first thing in the morning, and it hits something in you somewhere, you just know.

You won't give him any reason to leave you alone and you'll be overthinking about everything he says for the rest of your "friendship" until one of you just ruins "it".

Steven Yeun gets it. Whenever he sees someone he likes, he envisions every step in their hypothetical relationship until he gets to a point where he imagines their babies.

Not that I imagine that with him, because I'm a cynic and I don't think I'll ever get to that point without thinking of a hundred worst case scenarios first... but come to think of it, he's got the height, and the complexion, and the facial features, so any girl would be lucky to have babies with him. Plus, he's a dork. Our babies could be geniuses! LOL

Anyway... Whoa. Where was I? See? Overthinking. You get my point.

And it's not like we haven't known each other for years. It's not like he hasn't seen me embarrass myself a hundred times with my awkwardness. We are, after all, friends. Now I wonder if it was like this before and I was just so distracted to notice, or if it's different now, as I'd like to believe it is. Then again, why is he all of a sudden in the spotlight?

I know it doesn't mean anything, because I've met enough guys like him to know what he is. But despite that, I still want to read the random texts. I still want to know what he's watching. I still want to be asked if I've seen the latest Star Wars lightsaber. I still want to be the first to know what he's recently discovered about his fave TV shows, albeit all of them I've already known for years (because he's seriously THAT outdated, lolwth).

I want to be asked personal questions, and then not answer them because we're not "close". I want to keep wondering what his face is like when he texts me "Good night." I want to keep making him feel like I want nothing from him when it's obviously otherwise. (Not obvious to him, but, you know.)

All I want is for him to be the mystery he's always been to me. And then, when I'm finally able to, just let him disappear from my life forever.

But then again...

When you get this first thing on New Year's, and you hate him so much for calling you that... Oh, whatever.

How, oh how, do I ever unlike him? >_<

Are you happy now?

2014-10-15T05:35:00.000+08:00

You tell me you want me to forget you, but you show up and prance around like the f**king poster boy of kindness.

How the hell am I supposed to feel about that?

And it's not even that I'm still bitter about the past, because — trust me — there's nothing left for you here, and today was just proof of that.

It's just you.

Every time I see you, it happens.

You are the epitome of bad memories.

That visage of yours. That awkward posture. That awful voice. That calmness. That arrogance. All of it.

IT MAKES ME SICK.

I don't even know why I should pretend to care when I truly, from the bottom of my a-hole, do not give a crap about you and your boring little life. Are we in a f**king acting workshop now? Because I didn't know I had to go through that.

I'm sorry if I can't laugh at your jokes like we're the best of friends again.

I'm sorry if I can't seem to trust you with details on what's been up with my life since — oh, I don't know... um, ever since you f**king ruined my life!

You don't get that from me now, or ever.

And you don't get to protect me from my weaknesses any more than you have the right to speak to me like the angel everyone thinks you are.

You don't get to be concerned. You don't get to be considerate.

I can handle it on my own, and I don't need you.

Gawd. Just because you're the only person on the planet who knows of the gravity of the problem doesn't mean it's yours to protect me from. I am perfectly capable of solving problems, as I have done with you — without you.

Don't act as if nothing happened and as if you're still a part of my life, because whatever it is that you've become, I do not give a sh*t anymore.

Gone are the days of my blind faith for what I felt for you.

You don't deserve it.

I'M DONE WITH YOU.

"It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right. I hope you had the time of your life." ;)

here's to a new beginning! ;))

2011-07-16T16:26:00.004+08:00

Tama ka, you were just a waste of time... A waste of my time and space and efforts and feelings and memories and LOVE!

I don’t care what you think or feel or say or do anymore. Gago ka. GAGO!

Wag mong sabihing may concern ka o kung ano pa mang bullshit yan. Tama ka, wala kang kwenta. Buti alam mo, tang ina mo.

For the first time in my life, I’m actually feeling something other than love for you. Something you are actually deserving of. Yawa ka la.

Akala ko noon kahit di ako maka-move on, OK lang. Na kahit di tayo parehas ng nararamdaman, ayus lang basta’t andyan ka. Ngayon naisip ko, hindi naman talaga tayo pwedeng maging friends lang forever. Hindi ko kaya.

Di ko kayang maging kasing-insensitive mo.

Pero naisip ko din: yan pala ang tunay na ikaw.

Tama ka, hindi na kita kilala. And that these feelings I have are for the person I loved 10 years ago. Tama ka, as you always have been.

I was in love with the person who always did everything for me, who always forgave me, who was always patient with me, who never said and did anything to hurt me, and who gave the most fricking damn about me.

Yes that might have been true but God knows how utterly patient I have been to have waited this long and to have loved the person who was the exact opposite. I loved you despite the changes. I loved you no matter what. I loved YOU and you alone.

10 years! Geez, I’ve been an idiot for 10 years!! Frig.

However, I’ve already gone through all the hurt and humiliation, self-pity and all that crap for 10 years. Pagod na ako.

Andami kong pinalampas na chances because of you. I always thought of you and how you’d feel. But you never really gave a shit about me. Once again, tama ka: WALA KA NGANG KWENTA.

I never regretted ever loving you or having known you in the first place. To me, you were the most perfect person I’ve ever met.

But now as I contemplate about it, if I’d be given a chance to go back in time when you first asked me to give you a chance, I would—with all the insensitivity I could muster and notwithstanding the friendship which I once never wanted to lose—just utterly dismiss the idiotic idea and say NO. I won’t think of you and your goddamn feelings, I won’t feel the slightest sympathy for you, I won’t even be friends with you to begin with. And then I would have spared myself 10 years of pointless misery.

Nagsisisi ako. Nagagalit ako. Wala nang natitirang magagandang alaala sa isipan ko na nais ko pang balikan. Siguro nga isang-isa na lang ang kulang: to get rid of the love.

I don’t know how long it would take but I’m glad I’m finally taking this road towards moving on. I will replace all the bitterness with hope. And channel all the love to the people who are most worthy of receiving it. Family and friends and if by any chance he finds me, to the new HIM. (Pero matagal-tagal pa siguro yun, haha!)

For now, cheers to a new beginning!! ^_^

burnout

2011-04-20T19:24:00.004+08:00

We only get the one life, you know.

Hence, unless I get to say that I wouldn't want it without you, I may never stop this "not moving on" drama. Bahala nala, tanga na kun tanga. Ako man lat maaram. (plus my blog readers, of course. LoL. Ang labo!)

I have (literally) deliberately pushed you out of my system for who-knows-how-frickin-long, but these dreams never lie. Tama ang wish fulfillment theory ni Freud -- mukhang gustong gustong gusto na ata kitang makita.

Ay oo nga pala, segue lang: nagkita kami once. ACCIDENTALLY.

NAGKITA, as in: nagtinginan, nagtitigan, nagtaka kung hallucination lang yung moment, at hindi nilapitan ang isa't isa.

YUP, ganun ako kalabo. At ganun siya ka-epal.

Anyways, the point is that, after the incident I realized how so overly NOT over you I still am.

Pero oks lang, di na ako ganun kabaliw gaya nung dati.

Ayaw muna kitang makita at makausap. FOR NOW.
(Unless of course maulit yung epal na moment na yun. LoL)

Basta pramis, pag natapos na ang mga dapat kong tapusin, I shall seek thee. :D

Don't worry, I won't ask you to feel the same. Gusto ko lang malaman mo para maka-move on na rin ako. Ayaw na kasi kitang mahalin, FYI lang.

Sana sa susunod na blog entry, Free As A Bird by The Beatles na ang theme song ng lovelife ko.

"O kay tagal din kitang minahal...
O kay tagal din kitang mamahalin." :D
- Sugarfree

bitter

2010-06-24T10:07:00.004+08:00

I wouldn't want to think that we'd see each other again because at this point, unlike all those other times when seeing you was everything that ever mattered, I REALLY DON'T WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYMORE.

It's bad enough that you broke my heart when you chose to do nothing. And I guess you've already proven your point. So please, just give my stupid heart a chance to heal. PARANG AWA MO NA... Konting-konti na lang naman makakalimutan na din kita. KONTING-KONTI NA LANG, pare... =)

A humongous amount of WASTED TIME -- that's all it had ever been, really. But with all the time I've spent deliberating on you and how the thought of you affects me so—with much surprise and a seemingly grand vision of epiphany for myself—I realized that you really are NOT THE ONE FOR ME. You never were and you never will be.

Mahirap isipin, mahirap aminin, at mahirap tanggapin, what with all the time and the energy and ob kors, THE LOVE, pare… xD
Pero ganun talaga eh: THE TRUTH HURTS, ika nga. And there’s one more truth I’ve discovered: ISA KA NGA PALANG JERK, and I’m so glad to have realized that.

Haha. May “LIGHT” din naman pala “AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.” And for me, it was one which bore the one question I was too afraid to ask all this time…

KUN KAYANU IKAW???
(Kayanu nayawa IKAW?? LoL. xD)

Ayoko na ring mag-isip pa tungkol sa mga Love-is-a-battlefield-Wag-maniwala-sa-destiny-dahil-ang-destiny-ay-nasa-ating-mga-kamay na CRAP because I’ve already exhausted everything that I have, and I still don’t have you.

Alam mo ba kung ano’ng ibig sabihin nun? ANG TANGA MO, pare. GAGO ka. At siguro nga tanga din ako. Dahil sa araw-araw na lang na ginawa ni Lord, IKAW at IKAW PA RIN ang pinili ko. GAGO.

But anyway, despite everything, I still want to thank you for having given my life a complication. And for having been the fuel and the sole inspiration to my literature. Wala lang, THANK YOU lang. Naisip ko kasi, since I’m gonna be hating you for the rest of my life, I might as well be kind to you for one last time, so THANK YOU.

Sasabihin ko sanang “I HOPE YOU CHOKE TO DEATH” or “I HOPE YOU F**KING DIE IN YOUR SLEEP” pero dahil kahit paano ay may pinagsamahan din naman tayo, so eto na lang…

I hope one day I could say the words “I DON’T F**KING LOVE YOU ANYMORE” to your face not because I’d want to hurt you or anything but because it’s the friggin truth. Pero for now, GOOD RIDDANCE!

SANA HINDI KA MAGING MASAYA KAHIT KELAN.
You deserve that. You really do. :)

TAE

2010-06-18T11:41:00.001+08:00

Lagi nalang ba tayong ganito?
Di na ba tayo aabot dun sa puntong ngingiti ka dahil may sinabi ako tas sasabihin mo din na masaya ka dahil andito na tayo?
Malabo na ba talagang mangyaring magkaintindihan tayo ULIT?

Sana talaga di nalang tayo nagkakilala.
At sana din hindi mo na ako binigyan pa ng dahilan para maghintay pa.

TAE kasi.
Para tayong istoryang di matapos-tapos.
Oo nga may progression, pero wala namang matinong PLOT.
At nung halos umabot na tayo sa climax, para namang biglang nag-flashback sa panahong di na tayo nag-uusap!
TAE talaga.
Anti-climactic, ika nga.
At ang mas chaka pa dun, dahil di ko alam ang problema, e di wala din akong ibang maisip na resolution kundi ang maghintay...

Duwag ako. Manhid ka.
Kaya nga ba di tayo bagay na dalawa?

LoL.

Pero di nga, on a more serious note, sabihin mo lang and I'm gone. Sabihin mo lang and these feelings will never again be in that dormant state up until they're triggered once we meet again. Sabihin mo lang and I'll do whatever I can to stay away from you. One word from you, really, and I'm all GONE. Pramis!

Para naman magkaroon na rin ng ending. Kahit sad, at least may ending. At least, may chance nang magkaroon ng matinong epilogue yung istorya.

At higit sa lahat, para di ko na kelangan pang ma-guilty kahit in the first place ay wala naman akong dapat ika-guilty.
Di ba?

Baka lang kasi di mo pa ramdam na I DON'T WANT TO BE YOU FRIEND.
Or maybe at some point, I thought I could.
But it really hurts. To be able to see you and not be able to hold you the way I want to. GAYA NUNG DATI. (Char!! :D)

Yakan pa ha usa na kanta:
"You're the only light this empty room has ever had. Life without you is gonna be BLUER THAN BLUE... "

Hahahaha... YUCK!! xD

LoL...

2010-06-11T16:10:00.001+08:00

I guess this is IT.
The moment I have been waiting for...

It wasn't quite what I expected,
But it still led to the one thing that, for all intents and purposes, I had been asking for all these years.

Thanks for doing nothing.
You know you're really good at that.

Thanks for the friendship.
I guess it's as good as over now too.

And thank you for breaking my heart...
Ever as usual.

Now you can go.
And please, don't ever come back.

I LOVED YOU.

Then again, I'm glad you were too busy to not know. =D

"embolus"

2010-06-01T10:16:00.005+08:00

Although I’ve already thought, re-thought, and over-thought about it a million times, I guess the realizations will never really come to a complete closure until that day when I finally get what I want from you: the TRUTH.

It could hurt, but it would spare me from a pointless love chase less the “love” in the very least. And more importantly it would finally make come true the endless on-and-off resolution I’ve sworn to do for too many times: TO MOVE ON!! :D Yakan pa man ni Madel: “Puydi next chapter na??” Hahaha.

I know I’ve done things that might have seemed contrary to the fact that I love you. But I swear, I never meant to hurt you in any way. And I know I’ve been a coward. Repressing these thoughts just to spare me from the bitter truth and giving in to such cowardly assumptions…

For I love you, I had to let you go.

One good thing came out of it though: we were made to realize that we could still be better, and that we still had a friendship that’s worth keeping.

I could still endure whatever may come. Maaram kanaman di ko gud ikaw natitiis. Nyahaha! :D

the little things

2010-05-26T11:41:00.002+08:00

I love how you ask me this: “Kay-anu, nadiri ka?” when I see something new with your “look.”
It almost makes me think that you CARE about what I think.
But just so you know, you don’t have to worry about it because I like it the way it is. Ayeee! :D

I love how you explain to me about stuff.
It makes me think that you don’t want me to be an IMBECILE or something. Haha.
But just so you know, I listen to every little thing you say. :D

I love the fact that you’re never late.
It makes me think that you really want to see me. Nyahahaha
I mean, seriously, na-o-obvious ka lugud! Hahaha. :D

I love how you remember the things that I say.
And how you generalize what I like and what I don’t like based on what I tell you.
Like how you thought I didn’t like Boys Over Flowers just because I said I hated New Moon because it was a love story na parang ewan. Hahaha.
But just so you know, I would watch New Moon if you would. Ayeee! :D

I love that you slice my pizza for me. ^^,
Whether it was out of kindness or whatnot, I couldn’t care less.
You could keep doing that every time and I won’t mind. :D

I love that you do what you can to make me feel comfortable wherever those foreign places are that we go to.
It almost makes me feel like you really CARE.
Yes, as in the “more than friends” type of care. Nyahahaha! :D

And lastly, I love the fact that you show up when I need someone to show up most.
You really are a “true friend.” =)

And so you see, you do these things and leave me in an effing daze!
You know, it wouldn’t be so impossible to hate you if you weren’t this kind and sweet and thoughtful and amazing.

But just so you know, I appreciate everything—even if they’re in the context of us being “just friends.”
Thank you. =)

whatever...

2010-05-13T18:48:00.005+08:00

For some time now, I've been waiting for that moment-slash-incident-slash-"big mistake" which would eventually lead me to HATE you... But, unfortunately, I'm not about to recount some hateful acts which you've committed because there haven't been any yet (at least as far as our "friendship" is concerned). No matter how insensitive you are, when you do what you do to me (i.e. those that spell "kind and sweet and gentlemanly" xD), it altogether erases whatever irk I have for still not knowing what you really feel.

ASAR noh? =) Pero ganun talaga eh, if I weren't this patient, then maybe I wouldn't deserve you. Para na nga akong gumagawa ng incident report ngayon dahil sa tindi ng pag-ulan ng alibis sa utak ko. The how's and why's of whatever led us to this kind of relationship just piles up until I'm left with only the biggest remorse I have ever had in my entire life.

I don't know if I still have the right to expect as much as I do now given the mixed "signs" that I'm receiving. But if I had known you for only a short time, I'd have given you up as easily as I did the others (for lack of a more appropriate term, haha). But then again, I know for a fact that that's just you. If I'd attempt to change or at least talk you into changing the way you deal with people, most especially with me (!), then you wouldn't be the "YOU" whom I LOVE. (eew! :D)

But kidding aside, whatever it is or however weeny it is that you have to give, I will accept it. THAT is how much I love you... =)

i wish you were here... T_T

2010-03-30T20:00:00.000+08:00

I wish for a time when we could talk as if not a single thing from our past had ever happened.
I wish there was a way for me to know you without risking a broken heart.
I wish you had never been good to me and had never thought good of me.
I wish we had never become friends and never concurred to the same idiotic crap we'd ever obsessed on.
I wish there was a way for us to forget that we had once fallen in love with our idiotic selves.
I wish love had never come in the way of our friendship.
I wish we had stayed friends. I wish we had only been friends.
I wish I never liked you. And loved you. And hurt you.
I wish there was some way to forget everything you are and everything you'd done.

I wish I never met you.
That way I would never miss you as badly as I do now.

I WISH YOU WERE HERE... T_T

"the scientist"

2010-03-02T15:21:00.005+08:00

I think it's best that I stop this while I still can. After all, it's not like there's the existence of something mutual other than friendship here.

I know that you love me. And you don't want me to be hurt, in as much as I don't want you to be, either. I also know that you still care. You even care enough to still be my friend and to still give a shit about me when I was slowly falling apart and to give your doses of "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" advices p.r.n. Then again, apparently still not enough to make you change your stupid plans for me, more so change your friggin drinking and smoking habits for me even for just a day.

I guess I've also grown tired of waiting... Of endlessly hypothesizing. Of planning for stupid schemes that never had once come to fruition. Of over-analyzing those goddamn feelings of yours based on the littlest things that you tell me.

"It's such a shame for us to part..." without me knowing what lies there in your idiotic HEART!
I still love you though... Only that, I think it's finally time for me to let go. =)

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES... =)

kalokohan...

2010-02-25T19:48:00.002+08:00

Bakit ako dapat magalit?

(1) no reply since who-knows-when
(2) he told me to text him if something comes up and now he doesn't give a damn that I did.
(3) I had to know that he was coming home through a friend's FB wall (!)
(4) he never bothered to let me know whatever it was that I wanted him to tell me (if ever those friggin posts were actually true)
(5) for the nth time, he made me feel so effing UNIMPORTANT!
(6) buti pa ang iba, narereply-an nya't nababati...
(7) and because despite these aforementioned premises, I'd still be willing to forgive him if he explains to me what's happened to him for the past few days! (And that makes me a friggin IDIOT. And I feel so shitty because of it, and I am given reasons to hate myself, and I don't friggin like it, so dapat akong magalit! T_T)

Then again, bakit naman ako HINDI dapat magalit?

(1) hindi naman kami... (agi, OUCH!! xD)
(2) thus, I've no right to feel such emotions as these...
(3) moreover, no right to expect, more so demand, anything as grand as him answering my messages and letting me know where he is, or in the very least, asking me how I'm doing. T_T
(4) we're just friends, and friends don't make such a big deal out of such lame reasons as that which I have.
(5) wala naman talaga siyang ginagawang masama; he's just making me feel how he really feels about and thinks of me: Friggin UNIMPORTANT. Friggin WASTE OF TIME. Friggin "JUST A FRIEND". And friggin NOTHING MORE...

What if what I'm feeling is just one big friggin MISTAKE and he's really not "the one"?
What if what I've waited for what seemed like decades was not meant for me all along?

Or maybe... What if all of this just serves to underscore the real meaning of LOVE: that is, over and above everything else, PATIENCE?
And maybe I'm just being a bit overly dramatic.
Maybe there really is an underlying reason for his actions and I just overreacted because anything that involves him, especially that which spells the "HIM HURTING ME" drama, is something to be overreacted upon just because I f**king love him!

*sigh*

LOVE... YOU... ME...
Will these friggin entities ever belong to the same wavelength?

LoL!! Ang OA ko! =D

"Ang LOVE, parang turtle na lumilipad -- KALOKOHAN." :D

minamalas

2010-02-22T09:52:00.004+08:00

Perhaps they were meant to let you know that I have moved on. But of course I still care. It's one of the many curses you've left me for being in love with you ONCE. TWICE. THRICE. n number of times where n>the number of years of my existence on planet Earth.

If you've read, I hope you realize some "things".

Hindi ako papansin. Hindi rin ako OA.
Siguro nga gusto ko lang malaman kung ano na nga ba.
Because if I had to live this life for you, and all you'll ever be giving me is a friggin POSSIBILITY, bangin malagas nala intawun ak paghinulat. Hahahahaha...

Hindi lang ikaw ang may kakayahang maging insensitive. At hindi porke't mahal kita e hahayaan ko na lang na maging parati nalang na ganito...

Only question left now is: WILL I EVER EVER KNOW? @_@

Haaaaay...... Malas ko, ikaw ang natipuhan ko... T_T

kibir!

2010-02-17T19:59:00.002+08:00

I just want to let it all out. So that when my desire to push through with this KABALIWAN is all gone and I tire of crying my bleeding heart out, baka makalimutan na kita. Wala na akong pakialam kung umuwi ka man next week. In the event na mag-text ka, WALA NA AKONG PAKIALAM!!! T_T

Do you know how hard it is to have someone as insensitive, and manhid, and indifferent towards my feelings as the love of my friggin life?!

How could I have loved someone who'd hurt my feelings now and again, and then once in a blue moon would make me ecstatic and make it seem like there's something mutual between us when in fact there's friggin nothing! Someone who'd tell me to text him if something comes up and not give a damn if I do. And someone who'd, in one way or another, make me feel as unattractive as some pimply four-eyed geek who had never had a lovelife since birth!

PAIN. Frankly that's all you'd ever caused me. And for that, I wouldn't want to need you anymore.

I really thought we had a chance at something... I used to love you so much, you know that? I used to love you, and every time I tried to tell you, the oddest of odds would materialize. Hahahahaha... Dapat pala sineryoso ko yung signs. Baka nga naman ayaw talaga sa atin ng tadhana and I was so silly to think that this friggin free will was what I needed. Y**K la.

Just like I said, bahala ka na tim life, bahala nala liwat ak hit ak. KIBIR!

bahala na...

2010-02-15T19:57:00.001+08:00

I hate him. I promise never to associate myself with him ever again. EVER!

He was "the only one I cared enough to hurt about" and has practically given me nothing but heartache... A million fears and insecurities, and a reason to hate myself. LECHE!

I used to think that I'd have nothing to live and die for if you were gone. But right now, I'd rather be "empty" than be bombarded with all these heartaches every day of my life. If my memory of you could just leave my brain just like on that 50 First Dates movie, then I'd be happy. With that I wouldn't have to wake up every morning feeling all shitty because I longed for something which Icouldn't ever have. T_T

I swear, from this day on, diri na ak makig-istorya ha im EVER! Not unless you give me a good reason why you've been ever so bagtik lately -- and for all of your life even! Bisan kapa makig-istorya, di nak makig-istorya ha im. Bisan pa daw mag-appear pa nga bitter ak, bahala nala.

Nevertheless, who am I kidding? As if such a thing would ever occur: you talking to me or you even bothering to ask how I'm doing. Hin-u ba naman ako para kamustahun mo? We're not even close. And no matter what I do, I couldn't ever amount to your so-called "friends."

Pero sige la, bali ba. Tikang yana, bahala ka na tim kinabuhi, bahala nala liwat ak hit akon. Diri na ak... T_T

kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako... ^_^

2010-02-05T08:56:00.006+08:00

It felt like our "FIRST DATE" all over again... Only that, as much as I'd want it to be otherwise, for now, we're really "just friends". =)

Ironic, isn't it?
How the best-laid of plans would end up being futile; and how that one single spontaneous short notice would come to yield the most memorable "FRIENDLY DATE" ever... ^_^
How with the mere act of conversing, and none so much as a hug or a touch taking place, the most KILIG of all moments would materialize... ^_^
And how with the friggin EMBOLUS-like state of our "relationship", i.e., literally DISLODGED and FREELY-FLOATING as "JUST FRIENDS", we've come to share more of ourselves and have, in so many ways, become "more than friends" than we'd ever been. ^_^ Eeeeee... :D

So. It's been two and a half years of delaying this so-called "gratification" and if I may as honestly as add, spending the rather emptiest days of this friggin life without (literally) seeing him... But alas! At long long last, we finally met. =)
How joyous it would have been though if the circumstances surrounding our so-called careers had agreed to us being together, and more importantly, if his true feelings (which for all intents and purposes have practically remained a mystery up to this point in time!) were the same as that of mine.
JUSMIYU NGA PANHUNA-HUNA ABAADAW!

Nevertheless, that night was wonderfullest of all... ^_^
When I'd come to think of it, all I'd ever remember was being HAPPY.
For he was there, and for one and a half hours he was all mine. (Bwahaha! xD)
And even before that, the "signs" had seemed to connive for it to happen after a long long time of waiting for our friggin "DATE-ON-STANDBY" status to come to fruition. :D

And now... I am just so friggin filled with thoughts of HIM, and only HIM... ^_^

The way his face would seem to glow everytime he smiled...
The way his eyes would seem to dance around each time he spoke of his own little stupid jokes and his stupid plans for the future...
And the way his skin would seem to conduct some sort of electric impulse each time he'd bump his foot onto mine in an effort to stop me from pestering him for the corniest of his jokes...

When I'd think of all the million little things that, in one way or another, make him the freakazoid that I adore,
I would just freeze in nostalgic ecstasy...
And vividly recall how I would melt everytime those eyes would see through mine...
And then without further analysis or whatnot, I would all over again doubtlessly conclude ~~THAT I'M IN LOVE WITH HIM.~~ ^^,

Hahahahaha... Obvious ba? xD
Basta... Kapag naiisip kita, napapangiti ako. ^_^

I guess I'm just grateful that we met.
And despite everything, I'm still glad that we're "JUST FRIENDS". =)

sitting, waiting, wishing...

2009-12-30T19:56:00.001+08:00

Once again, it's one of those days when I'd think of you just when I'm about to sleep and then my mind would wander off to a memory of you sitting close to me, embracing me with those sturdy arms, and sharing with me that warmth that so lavishly entwined our then euphoric hearts, which never would have overworked themselves the same way, except maybe in the direst situations when we're miles apart and we couldn't wait to see each other again, and then...

I'd begin to wonder if I'd ever feel the same way for somebody again EVER.
Well, perhaps not. Obviously because the thought of you, in the multifarious dimensions of it, has become the center of my attention and of my deepest and darkest hopes and fears for the past n years of my friggin life. DANG!

I wish I never welcomed the thought that I could have you. Because in the first place, I have not the teeniest right to. No matter how much free will permits me, it would only be so shitty.

I guess I've grown tired of making up alibis to see you. And oh, how I wish there'd come a time when I'd be able to talk to you not because I'm in need of your help but because I merely want to be with you... If that's still ever gonna happen. T_T

in other words, i love you... =)

2009-12-29T22:30:00.003+08:00

Being without you, while still utterly entertaining the thought of you and the thought that I could still have you again, is BULLSHIT.
You're not here, but since as always, you're still the center of my every thought and my every action, still feels like you're here... Only that it's just one big fat friggin ILLUSION which I choose to live under for reasons that are only fathomable by this pathetically pragmatic mind of mine. Geez!!

Why do I please myself with these crazy memories when I could make every one of them real??
Why do I live each day thinking that someday, at the right place and at the right time, we'll be together again, when I have every chance there is to be with you NOW??
Why do I still struggle to find the right words when I know perfectly well that they won't matter as long as we're in the same realm sharing that one same moment and then everything would just fall into place then??
Why do I choose to be the coward that I am now and live my every friggin day without you knowing how profoundly I feel for you??

I LOVE YOU.

Will I forever write these words down and just wait for some great miracle that'd make you read them?
Arghhh!!! I'm a basket case!! T_T

pag sinasaktan mo ako, yan ang gusto ko! :D

2009-11-20T22:59:00.003+08:00

When in more ways than one you make me feel like I'm of no importance to your life.
When you never care to tell me more, simply because I don't ask for it.
When you base your goddamn decisions solely on what's right and not on what pleases you. (or me)
When you seem not to think about how I'd feel during practically every moment of your life.

When without the least effort you give me the impression that you're okay without me.
When you give me exactly what I need and nothing "more".
When you deliver those advices in the bluntest, most tactless of all ways.
When you elicit--directly and/or indirectly--jealousy within me, in every sense of the word!

When you make me think and make me feel that I'm stupid.
When you prove to me that you're always right and that I'm always wrong.
When you give such concise remarks that leave me hanging in wonderment every effing time.
When you just sit there and do nothing, and yet still ultimately give off that intimidating aura.

When you're constantly being your stubborn self.
When you don't listen to me and you don't take care of yourself.
When you go and drink like there's no friggin tomorrow!
And even when, you seem ever-so-effing-unaffected by my absence......

YOU BREAK MY HEART, do you know that?

But then again, that's you.
Whether you conscientiously do what you do to me every day of our effing lives, or not,
You give me reason to be with you more and more.

At the end of the day,
When you tell me how you feel,
When you laugh at my lamest jokes,
When you flash the smile that I so rarely see,
And when you apologize for mistakes that are really mine in the first place...

I DIE. ^^,

Which is why, despite everything, I'm still here for you.
Kasi...

"Pag sinasaktan mo ako, 'yan ang gusto ko!" (Pedicab)
Hahahahaha...

I LOVE YOU.
In every friggin sense of that phrase!

GAGO! :D

"I never left... I waited..."

2009-11-05T09:54:00.001+08:00

Thank you for not being there. And for understanding.
Although it wasn't clear to you why I wasn't the slightest ready to face you yet, what with all my issues and all that, na-gets mo pa rin.
There was a second there though when I actually felt I could succumb to it.
I mean, I WAS THERE, for goodness' sake! Oo na nga lang ang kulang. :D

Then again, Fortuna sure was playing with me and these goddamn feelings of mine.
Nag-bran awt.
Na-empty batt.
Nasira ang landline.
Umulan nang umulan nang umulan.
At bumaha... The whole friggin night.

Buti sana kung nangyari ang mga kamalasang iyon nung nakarating ka na at magkasama na tayo!
HAHAHAHAHA...
Hahay... If only I said yes in the first place...
But, I didn't. So, that's that.
Ayaw lang talaga sa atin ng tadhana, pare. =D