The Kool Aid Report

A MOB Party Tipsheet and Etiquette Guide for Losers

2012-02-24T10:33:00.002-06:00

Since the semiannual MOB party is tomorrow, now would be a good time to review the guidelines for proper behavior and share a few tips to make it an enjoyable experience for everyone.* There are only a handful of regulars that can pull off a Hawaiian shirt. You know who you are. If you can't, we will all know who you are. * If King Rep. Baniaiaiaian is present, all attendees must - MUST -

The King of Memes

2012-02-18T15:32:00.000-06:00

Our old pal King Baniaiaiaiaiaiain + Union activist jackwagons = KAR gold baby! Check it: When John Pederson, Steve Gottwalt and King Banaian scheduled Friday night's town hall meeting at St. Cloud's Public Library, they had no way of knowing that public employee unions were planning on disrupting it. Things didn't get ugly immediately but it didn't take long before things got out of control.

I Agree With Keith Ellison

2012-02-07T12:49:00.003-06:00

...But I think he doesn't nearly go far enough: U.S. Rep. Keith Ellison, D-Minn., joined by representatives of student, senior and disabled voters, called on Minnesota Democrats to unify in opposition to a photo ID requirement for voting. He said that while most Minnesotans carry an approved, government-issued photo ID, "that's not true of everybody. And this democracy has got to work for

Extremely Narrow and Incredibly Dumb

2012-02-02T13:09:00.003-06:00

R0n P@u1 may be a decent candidate and a decent guy. I have no way of knowing this for sure since his primary campaign messaging system seems to be the evangelizing of his most ardent supporters. If that is indeed his strategy, he needs to hire a bigtime PR firm right now. Ideally, it would be a PR company that specializes in running around duct taping the mouths of all your most ardent

The News in Haikus

2012-01-24T13:13:00.001-06:00

Broken nose, black eyes. I guess that the puck was seared, SEARED into his face. BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK BARK Pay the city, please. Don't Cry, Heidi, our Wedding Day was a Prayer for The Dying. Crazy. A Coronal mass Ejection to blast stream at Earth. Hot gigity!

fleen

2012-01-23T09:53:00.001-06:00

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING COMIC STRIP IS NOT SUITABLE FOR ANYONE. VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED. fleen by learnedfoot

Attention Lefty-Bloggers: Meet the New Guy Who Tells Everybody in the MOB What to Write

2012-01-20T13:23:00.002-06:00

The polls are closed, and for the first time in MOB election history, we have a winner on the first round of balloting. But first, let us pause to make fun of the also-rans: ECKER - 13 votes; 18%. We all knew Kevie would finish in 2nd place. That's because the saying goes "nice guys finish last". There were 4 other guys below him. STEWART - 12 votes; 17% I know John to be a great guy, which

The Most Important Election of This Generation Month

2012-01-17T12:25:00.000-06:00

The polls are now OPEN!!!111!! It's right over there, atop the sidebar. Since it's been a while, let's recap the rules: 1. One vote per computer, per day. 2. Excessive abuse of Rule 1 will be dealt with by the MOB-SOSFL in an appropriate and capricious manner. 3. Polls close Friday. If I remember. 4. If no single candidate gets more than a simple majority of votes, there will be a runoff

The 2011-2012 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 3 - Closing Arguments

2012-01-12T12:43:00.001-06:00

BREAKING NEWS: KAR has just learned that Bobo the Talking Chimp has suspended his campaign for MOB Mayor. Sources close to the campaign tell KAR that he had an inappropriate relationship with a banana. Bobo has only released this cryptic statement. On to the final debate question. RULES: Candidates may answer the following question in the comments to this post, or on their own blogs with a

The 2011-2012 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 2

2012-01-05T10:43:00.001-06:00

Aaaaaaaaaaaand we're back. Sorry for the delay. I was going to have a "Rate the Debate" followup to the first question, but I shelved it because a) I think voters should make up their own minds as to who won without input from outside influences who might have an agenda or wish to advance a prefabricated storyline to generate traffic (not that that ever happens in politics), and 2) I didn't feel

Klassic KAR and a Programming Note

2011-12-28T10:49:00.000-06:00

Blogging will be light this week. We are knee-deep in Kwanzaa right now so nobody's reading anyway. We'll Rate the First Debate and resume the MOB Mayoral Campaign next week. And yes, I am aware of the pissing match currently taking place on the Strib's letters page revolving around the depiction of wildlife in the comic strip Mark Trail. I'll save my outrage for when some moonbat goes after

The 2011 Mayoral Debate Series: Question 1

2011-12-22T12:46:00.005-06:00

RULES: Candidates may answer the following question in the comments to this post, or on their own blogs with a link back to in the comments to this post. I know the typical KAR reader doesn't fully apprehend the concepts of "leaving a comment" or even general engagement, but I have faith that they will somehow figure it out. Except for Ben. He's a little slow. Candidates, please watch the

Moron Mail: Special Lifetime Achievement Edition

2011-12-21T13:06:00.003-06:00

A couple weeks ago, we featured a particularly stupid letter to the Strib from a particularly dim person. This outrage addled bitty thought that describing a serial bank robber by the color of the clothing he typically wears while plying his trade was somehow racist (since the color of this clothing was black). This led to a brief editorial crisis as - because we like to think we are not

Meet the Candidates

2011-12-20T13:00:00.001-06:00

The nomination process for the MOB Mayoral Race is now... ... ... ... ... closed. The MOB Mayor is a rich tradition amongst sparsely- to moderately-read Minnesota blogs. The title of Mayor is a prestigious one. Previous MOB Mayors have gone on to big things like public elected office (Baniaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiaiian) and oblivion (Johnny Roosh). Let's take a look at the dregs suckers objects of our

Why Facebook Sucks (But Not as Badly as Twitter)

2011-12-19T13:37:00.005-06:00

EDITOR'S NOTE. This is part 2 of the ongoing KAR series, "Social Media and You: How to Alienate Everybody in Your Online Social Networks." Part 1, Twitter, is here. Yeah, yeah, privacy issues, never-ending Farmville requests and the never-popular Weekly User Interface Tweak That's Always Worse Than the Last One. Yawn. Those are annoying to be sure, but just like Twitter, Facebook's most

Last Call

2011-12-19T10:38:00.000-06:00

This is the last day to submit your MOB Mayoral nominations. We'll start the ugliness of the campaign this week.

Previews of Coming Attractions

2011-12-15T15:53:00.000-06:00

Last month, I uncorked an instant classic rant about why Twitter sucks. You Twitter lovers / Facebook haters (the "Team Edward" of social media) will be glad to know it's Facebook's turn next. Or, rather, like twitter, certain Facebook users who ruin it for the rest of us non-needy non-attention whores.

Unions Exist to Protect, Assault, the Little Guy

2011-12-15T13:01:00.003-06:00

Anybody who has seen coverage of the Wisconsin public unions' extended hissy fits relating to Wisconsin's collective bargaining reform (and subsequent gubernatorial recall effort) need no further evidence that this crowd is comprised of mouth-breathing zealots who will stop at nothing to fight for their rights to not have to contribute to their own health care plans. But here's some anyway:

It Would Be Even More Apt if It Were Called "Person Of Our Planet"

2011-12-14T08:02:00.000-06:00

Time Magazine's Person of the Year is... [Drumroll] Ta da: It makes perfect sense if you consider the acronym "Person Of The Year" forms.

Fiat Candidacy

2011-12-13T11:51:00.001-06:00

Yes, KAR hosts ads now. I would make a wisecrack here, but I'm pretty sure anything I'd write would be against AdSense's TOS, so I won't in the interest of keeping that sweet sweet gravy train rolling. But I would like to draw attention to one ad that's been in heavy rotaton lately: Send your fiat currency in, so this man can put a stop to fiat currency! Judging from the legions of followers

KAR's Whiskey of the Week (Vol. I)

2011-12-09T11:37:00.002-06:00

This new weekly(?) KAR feature is brought to you by the good folks at Apple Valley Liquors: the place to buy booze if you're in Apple Valley, and you are me. When rating whiskey (or anything for that matter) the one thing you need is an inflexible rating system that weighs certain irrelevant aspects of the thing being rated as importantly as the relevant ones. And no scale fits that bill better

Moron Mail

2011-12-08T12:21:00.002-06:00

Strap yourselves in. Today's moron can't seem to grasp the import of a common preposition: I noticed that you referred to the recent serial bank robber as the "Man in Black" ("'Man in Black' changes clothes for latest heist," Dec. 7). Because that's what the FBI calls him, due to the fact that he wore a black hoodie in previous robberies. This infers that the robber is a black man, even though

It's On in a Manner Not Unlike Donkey Kong

2011-12-07T13:06:00.000-06:00

As I promised yesterday, it's time to begin the 2011-2012 MOB / ORGASMB Mayoral campaign! Here's how it will go: STEP 1: Nominations will be taken by me (as acting MOB Secretary of State for Life) until I don't feel like taking them any more. Candidates must fit the following criteria: 1) Be a member of the MOB or ORGASMB in good standing or an anthropomorphic foul-mouthed chimp. 2) Is not nor

KAR FAQ - Extreme Makeover: Bobo Edition

2011-12-06T12:56:00.001-06:00

Time once again, after a long absence, to reach into the hypothetical mailbag to extract conjectural reader questions and provide theoretical responses as if they had actually been real. So, you're uh back then. Huh? Yes. I guess. Well, that's something then, isn't it? I suppose. I know that you are a must-read inside the State Capitol. Is there anything you'd like to say to our elected

Paulbots Can Teach Us a Lot About Something or Other

2011-12-01T13:14:00.006-06:00

NOTE: The following post has been Google-proofed for the author's sanity. In the past couple weeks, I have learned the following things thanks to disciples acolytes worshipers fanatics supporters of perenial presidential also-ran R0n P@u1. This is more a recap than anything: 1. Jews hate Sharia law because Sharia law forbids demand or payment of interest and all Jews are bankers. 2. "They" (