Brainless Blogger

Between that rock and a hard place

2012-01-25T23:37:00.000-08:00

Those of us with chronic pain we live between a rock and a hard place. Always a certain amount of suffering that needs to be endured, never enough treatment to help with it and no one to tell us how to manage our pain.

My dad came for a short visit on his way to start a new job and we got to chatting. We ended up chatting about chronic pain, that of FMS (for both of us) and migraines in my case. My father, I believe, suffers more physical pain from FMS than I do. I mean I have had some crippling bouts of it, no doubt about it, and the Lyrica definately helps us both, but on a daily baseline pain I would say his is significantly higher than me. And on my side of the genetic pool I ended up with chronic migraines, which are quite obviously complicated by the FMS. Both of us have suffered for quite some time. I believe my father was diagnosed in his late thirties. And me when I was 22. Although I know in my case a specialist said I was symptomatic at age 16 and I had symptoms as early as 8. So we both have long records of chronic pain. Long records of seeing doctors, getting treatments, trying medications and seeing specialists.

I expressed my fustration with my situation. Essentially that I am not sick enough for long term disability according to insurance standards. He knew of the same stories I do of people who have stuggled with insurance companies and getting cut off once they are deemed 'fit' to return to work. And, my treatment options have dwindled, my neurologist no longer seeing any real options that will work for me. So, I will continue to suffer as much, or more, while having to work full time which will natually increase my physical, mental and emotional pain because no one sees fit to create an option in the freaking middle. I felt a profound sense of relief that my father understood what I was talking about. That there is something so intrinsically wrong with the system that if they can't cure you they just leave you to suffer, but if you are not insane or dying then clearly you are fully capable of working. Wha?

That it is an insane burdan to be expected to endure this suffering without anything to ease it. By suffering I mean more than pain. I mean the emotional toll of dealing with chronic pain, the problems with other symptoms, the stress of working around a disability in everyday life and yes the physical pain on a day to day basis. I think it is cruel that they just leave us to suffer without options. Some of us very lucky few will get options. Such things as pain clinics. Ways to cope with pain. Ways to live with suffering when there is nothing that can be done about it. Positive ways. Ways I can't imagine because I have never been refered to such placed because they would not be able to help with 'my kind of pain'. But it is damn cruel to not offer those options and just expect us to figure it out on our own. Suffering is a given. Suffering well is not. It is unrealistic of doctors to think people with chronic pain will natually be able to cope year after year, decade after decade. Because, just so they know, there are positve coping strategies and there are negative ones... and sometimes we will use whatever the hell gets us through the day. And can they say that is bad when they are not doing a damn thing to help their patients? But that is where they leave us. Just winging it.

That is where they leave all the power up to us. Where we have the choice. Get busy living, or get busy dying. Unforunately, when we do not have effective treatment and life is truly a living hell we often turn to the later. And when we choose to get busy living we have to figure out how to live well. How to somehow reduce our suffering to a manageable level to function and survive. Frankly I sure the hell don't know how to do it yet. I have tried so many things my head hurts just thinking about it. There really ought to be some sort of pain rehabilitation a person can take where they teach you effective ways to manage your pain.

Topamax

2012-01-19T13:37:00.000-08:00

It has been seven years since I was on Topamax and here we are back again. My neuro has decided to try it again, with my other preventatives, but does not want to put me on too much, because of my other preventatives. Yeah, more drugs piled onto more drugs is not always the best idea. However there is something to be said for his drug choice. I did have a positive result with it when I was on it. It did reduce migraine frequency, just not to a level that was satisfactory to my doctor at the time, so she added Inderal which did nothing and then added more Inderal which caused things like passing out and a blood pressure close to a dead persons. And then a short term leave from work, a referal to a neuro and different drugs. It was bad timing really given I had just been diagnosed with hypothyroidism which can cause migraines so maybe they shouldn't have played around with my meds and should have waited to see what the Synthroid did. The point is doctors aim for a significant reduction in migraine frequency and that seems to be really unrealistic at this point. A reduction, a postive result of any kind, is a win really. So we will see if it does anything this time around. I do remember when my drug plan switched me from Topamax to the generic form I didn't have the same result and at the time my doctor thought I was just getting used to the drug and it was not working as well.

The only side effects I really remember with Topamax was the tingling in the hands, feet and face... and given I don't feel must at all in my hands now, it isn't likely to bother me. One potential side effect is weight loss, which is very rare as a side effect, and hey here's hoping it counteracts the weight gain I got from the last preventative. Now most people have no fondness for Topamax and label it Dopamax because one major side effect is that it makes you stupid. But, then, really my brain functioning goes from high to extremely low every damn day due to migraines so I honestly don't think I'll notice. I didn't notice before. I still had issues with my short term memory. I still had trouble concentrating. Still had issues remembering events. Honestly if it caused more brain fog than I already get from the migraine FMS combo then I'll be way too dumb to notice.

That was rather depressing

2012-01-17T13:19:00.000-08:00

First, I would like to say a little something about why I stopped seeing my shrink before I get into my rather depressing day. My shrink had told me I should not be working. Period. And I agreed of course. But I said it was not so simple. And she said I should go on long term leave and permanent disability. And I said it is not so simple. Yes, that makes perfect sense to me, to her, and to any other rational person when you think about chronic pain and inability to function. That is not the way the insurance world works though, so getting on long term leave is next to impossible. They go out of their way to prove you can do a job which means you are not completely disabled. I beg to differ mind you, because even a job, of any sort, requires a brain and also requires the ability to get up and leave the house. Any job that has specific hours, no matter what those hours are, no matter if a trained monkey could perform that job, still requires someone able to meet those hours. Calling in sick repeatedly with that simple job is just as problamatic with any other job. So she pissed me off by saying I should take advantage of options that I actually can't take advantage off. I stopped seeing her when I was cleared to return to work... because I was not put on long term disability, thus proving I was right and she was an idiot. And I stand by that today.

So, I went to my neuro appointment. And we are now at the point where there is nothing he can do for me. Yay! Every time I hear this from a doctor it makes me very sad. Because they take away that last itty bitty shred of hope I was holding onto. It is worse this time because he had options those other docs did not... and I've now run out of those options. Plus my numb hand thing? Is migraine related and could actually be permanent damage so might be there forever. And the vertigo? Also migraine related and also might never go away. One of my preventatives is the best one for migraine related aura symptoms and it obviously is not working for me, although it does help with some of the visual stuff... not the worst of it, but some. So all that migraine related symptoms and all those migraines you think maybe Now I could go on long term leave. But no. Of course not, for the same reason I listed above, he said it is very difficult to get done because they will prove I am somehow capable of holding down a job. To clarify that means a) I am in constant pain and b) there will be no relief and c) that is not 'sick enough' to go on disability and d) apparently I should be fine with that.

Once again I wonder if they want us to kill ourselves. I think they must. Problem solved right? Can't work anymore and not a drain on the healthcare system. They ought to just advoacate suicide as a final treatment option. They leave us no other options. Just figure out how to suffer well and quietly and be functional at a job, somehow. Or don't work and starve but suffer less. But don't kill yourself because for some reason that is just wrong... sure it is a living hell to have to live with constant migraines while working a full time job but apparently that is better? Not so sure about that. Might just need to see a shrink to deal with all the depression associated with being in constant pain, working a full time job while I am at it with the full awareness it will never get better, there will never be any relief and apparently while there are no treatments left to try there are also no options to make that pain more bearable. It is cruel really. So cruel. Is it so hard to offer options to those of us who have no effective treatment? Is it so hard to say this person can't work full time any more, she needs options to lessen the pain while fucntioning as much as she can? Instead of forcing us to work full time, which makes the pain and symptoms worse, with no effective treatment until eventually, if we are very, very lucky, we stroke out and die. Finally, then, we get some relief. What bastards.

If that is not depressing I don't know what is. If there were viable options available it would not be, but as it is, very depressing. Unless I figure out something on my own. There will be no help for me otherwise and I will go on like this until I have a flipping nervous breakdown. Or worse. So hopefully I will stave off depression and try to find alternative solutions. Wish me luck with that. What my neuro is going to do is switch up my medications to one I was on years ago... which is about what I expected him to do anyway. At least it is something. If that doesn't work, which honestly having a hard time with the optimisim at this point, then he will send me to a headache specialist clinic four hours away, which has an insanely long waiting list and he said likely won't have very much other options, but he has none, so it's something.

As such I am totally screwed. I have not been doing well on the work front lately but apparently, treatment or no treatment, pain or no pain, able to see or blind as a bat, I have to figure out a way to work, get through the pain on a daily basis, not miss any days, figure out how to be able to consentrate and make no errors when at work with a migraine. Now if I knew how to do that I would already be freaking doing it wouldn't I? But apparently that is my job. It is my job to figure out how to suffer well, function in pain without getting suicidal in the process. There is no middle of the road for us even. You think there would be some sort of options available. And there are for people with chronic pain disabilties on some sort of special list, of which, apparently migraines are not (because they must think we cannot have them all the time and are therefore capable of working some of the time, not for me, but maybe some of us, in which case I would love to find the job where 'some of the time' is a work option). I know people can get long term disability for FMS, but I also know some people who got screwed over after two years on it when it changed from 'unable to do the job they are trained for' to 'unable to do a job'. And you know that distinction pisses me off. I would love to find a job that is fine with me being sick often, fine with me only working at 50% of my capacity most of the time, and has such flexible hours that I can come in when I am able. That is not a job, that is no job I've ever heard off exept a work at home one. And hell we would all love a work from home job but finding that is a little more difficult becayse it is not a job, it is a very specific job style that most employers do not have for an option. So what those insurance dudes are really saying is yes you can't work your full time desk job but you can work some sort of very flexible work at home job for less money assuming you can find such a job, but because such a job does exist, somewhere, and if you found it you would be able to do it on a basic level, therefore you are clearly not completely unable to work. Asshats.

It's just a really bad headache

2012-01-16T01:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think people believe migraines are a just a really bad headache. I think this is because they are focusing on the symptom of pain, which is familiar to them, in the form of a headache. So then they think migraines must just be more pain. Even doctors focus on the pain mostly. The pain is a big deal.

When I was younger my migraines presented in a very typical way. I got a very recognizable aura in form of large blotches of light completely obscuring on side of my vision and visual snow. I got very normal nausea that was violent enough I was put on a dissovable triptan, but nausea is a classic migraine sysmtom. And I had very actute sudden onset migraine pain. My migraines always occured from hormonal triggers and sometimes occured randomly at other times. This is the sort of migraine people think about when they hear the word.

But every migraine sufferer has differnt assortments of aura sysmtoms, if they get them, and sometimes they do not get pain as a symptom at all. And every migraine we get is different than other ones we get. Expecially when migraines become chronic... when the brain is always on overdive and some aura symptoms begin to persist as a resut. My visual snow for example became permanent. It was worse with a migraine attack but it is always there.

Migraine though come with a variety of neurlogical symptoms that simply are mind boggling to others. Thsi vertigo I have been getting is not abnormal, even for me, since I get episodes of vertigo with migraines every so often. Now it is persisting.

Migraines-A-General-Overview I go though the basics but what I am refering to here is the section on aura symptoms that are very varied and make migraine far beyond just a migraine or even that classical image of a migraine. Distortions in the perception of time, in hearing, in smelling, seeing, touch and motor skills. For example this migraine week I have been getting
"Autokinesis: Illusion of apparent movement of stationary objects. Objects may appear to be warping and shifting." and "Dysmetropsia: Visual illusions involving an alteration in the size or separation of visual objects. Often seen in Alice in Wonderland Syndrome." and then this one "Depersonalisation: affects our self-awareness. It is a feeling of being detatched from a situation, watching your self act, while having no control. The world may feel surreal, intangible or dream like." all with the vertigo itself.

So a migraine is never just a migraine. It is the brain we are talking about after all and the symptoms that occur during a migraine are diverse, bizzare and not ones people are familiar with. Hard to call in sick to work saying 'I have a migraine but until the horribly painful migraine I had yesterday and went to work with, this is equally painful but I can really see my envioment as it seems to be warpy and shifting, I have vergio and the floor feels spoungey, the floor looks to be closer than it should be and hallway longer.... so while I could try to dampen the pain as best I can it is moot because I would jave to be a freakin idiot to drive like this.' Trust me I have tried this. Morning migraines tend to have full blown weird woo woo symtptoms that mess up my abilityt to see and move.

There is a level of weirdness that we go though that is difficult to explain. Because I get so many migraines, well some of them are my classic migraine, some make me feel like I have the worst stomach flu ever, some the pain is so far beyond acute it cannot be treated, some make it impossible to see, some make it impossible to hear, some make it difficult to speak while others make it hard to comprehend what others speak.

I'm still fighting a killer status migraine right now and at that pain point where if someone said it was just a headache or that their migraines are not like that... I would likely punch them in the face.

'Vacation' time

2012-01-15T00:32:00.000-08:00

I decided on rather short notice to take next week off for my 'holiday', which I don't think impressed my boss but is perfect timing. One of my co-workers is going to be on course soon so better to take time off before rather than during. I had little projects on the go, so less work to leave for others to do. It is not busy yet but will be soon so better than waiting. And, of course, I have a neuro appointment next week where no doubt I will be switching medications and having a little time to adjust to them is always a good idea.

Most of all I have been having some real issues fuctioning and taking a bit of a break is a good idea. Last week was a long status migraine hell. I woke with a brutal migraine today and since it woke me up with full blown migraine fury it was difficult to treat. Just one of those days where I got up, migrated to the couch and didn't move from it all day. Now had it been a work day it would have been a trial to get to work, not just because I woke with an acute migraine but because morning migraines are always intense on the neurological symptoms and today was no different. My vision is just plain warpy today... everything shifting, flashing and moving. So distorted there was no way in hell I was getting anything done or doing anything as stupid as getting behind the wheel of a vehicle. A lot easier to do nothing on a day off though... and guilt free as well. I know that with the neurological symptoms being as intense as they are lately, and this status migraine lasting longer than it ought to, that had I not chosen to take a 'vacation' next week would have been very difficult to manage. I hate taking holidays early in the year because then there is less to take later, but I did spread the rest out quite a bit because sometimes just knowing I have an extended long weekend coming up helps me get through the week.

The last few months have been brutal and I feel a great deal of relief knowing I can just rest next week... just not do a damn thing.

Migraine-associated Vertigo

2012-01-12T15:05:00.001-08:00

Well, hell, there you go.... I'm not alone with this vertigo nightmare.

"Migraine-associated vertigo (MAV) is a syndrome consisting of dizziness and/or vertigo that is suspected to be related to migraine. Many patients diagnosed with MAV do not have headaches, or have chronic non-specific headaches that don't fit into the migraine classification developed by the International Headache Society.
The cause of this condition is unknown but progress is being made through clinical experience and genetic research. This condition was previously rarely diagnosed, but is now proving to be one of the most common causes of chronic dizziness and/or recurrent vertigo.

Sufferers often describe chronic dizziness and dysequilibrium in the form of a "rocking" sensation when still, recurrent episodes of rotational vertigo, chronic daily headaches, migraine headaches, light sensitivity, poor visual acuity and other changes in vision, visual "snow", nausea and severe motion intolerance. Many of these symptoms cannot be objectively observed or tested for, so physical and neurological examinations (including neuroimaging) are often completely normal. Patients generally do not have all of these symptoms - in fact those with chronic dizziness have quite often not experienced acute rotational vertigo or even a migraine headache.

MAV is often misdiagnosed as Meniere's Disease, Vestibular Neuritis or as a psychiatric disorder. A condition previously described, known as "atypical Meniere's" is no longer recognised and is believed to be a migrainous vertigo sydnrome. " http://www.mvertigo.org/

Reality sucks

2012-01-12T13:41:00.000-08:00

I like to deceive myself regularly and intentionally so that I can believe I can continue as I am without having to make more sacrafices or compramises. But lately with all that vertigo added to the migraines I have been wondering what is realistic.

In reality... I suck as an employee. I have been missing about one day a week lately and that has been extremely hard. It had been very difficult to get to work and to work and obviously I am failing. I would have fired myself a long time ago and it seems I have tried every way to make it work. So I have to wonder realistically if it can work and if it is really realistic to keep pushing it.

In reality... not being a dependable employee is difficult for my employer and hard on my co-workers and annoying for my customers. How I am right now clearly does not work for anyone, nor is it fair to anyone. I am not realiable. Not dependable. It is not my fault of course, but it is a fact and one I don't like to admit to.

In reality... my ability to function has declined over time, no matter how I wish it were otherwise and pretend it is all good. It is never good enough. I try to push through the pain and then I make errors upon errors. Some errors are minor, but numerous and lately not gone unnoticed. Some I catch but too many slip by my befuddled brain. I miss work and that messes everything up. I go on leaves that don't change a damn thing. I go on numerous medications that sometimes help, but also compramise my ability to focus. I get confused about simple things, facts that are wrong get in my head somehow and then I make weird, sometimes large, mistakes based on this facts. And the migraines are always chronic, even on the best treatment, and daily when treatment fails. Add in other symtpoms and my ability to function plummets.

In reality... my migraines have not been well managed lately and vertigo is a symptom that has brought me from barely managing to not managing at all. Being able to see and walk and not being disorientated are rather necessary job requirements. If I can't even get to work then it is all moot. I struggle each morning because as soon as I stand the world spins and the pain spikes... my legs feel weak like I'm going to fall and I am really confused about things like what day it is and what time it is. My vision is worse than ever; visual snow all the time was bad, but now it is warped all the time, things look like they are moving when I focus on them, my ability to focus goes in and out like my eyes are extremely tired and when I look up or to the side there are permanent black blotches there. And that is not even mentioning the extreme fatigue.

In reality... I cannot deny how bad things are, because they are simply too obviously bad to pretend otherwise. Certainly, others don't think chronic migraines are a disability worthy of being disabled. And I lied to myself in order to go on as I was because those people make the rules. Unfortunately my brain does not give a damn I am surrounded by idiots (myself included there) because it has made things even worse with the numbness in my hands to the consistent vertigo. It is like living in a fun house where it is damned hard to consentrate on anything when it is hard to actually percieve my enviroment. For example, when someone wears stripes I can't even look at them because when I do all those stripes seem to writh and move making me feel all disorientated and sick to my stomach.

In reality... I'm screwed. I would like to think my neuro will give me all the answers I need and will provide a solution that will be both very quick and will bring my migraines down enough that I can get back to barely functioning. But I realistically don't know if he can because it is that screwed up.

I can't think of anything that is going to make this better. And I can't talk about it with my spouse because it makes me feel worse to admit I can't function and guilty at my failure and guilty that I put all that extra stress on him. I can talk to my doctors about it but I can't control what they do with that information. All I know is that the reality of the situation sucks. And again I am faced with making sacrafices and compramises but in this case I don't even know what the choices or options are.

Reflecting on 2011

2012-01-08T02:30:00.000-08:00

Someone from a migraine forum posted a poll regarding how many migraines we suffered in 2011 and my answer was above the highest possible answer for the poll, which made me reflect a little on this past year where I have suffered an extimated 300 migraines, possibly more given some months were quite nasty.

2011 was actually an exceptionally bad year. Bad from migraine frequency. Bad for emotional well being. Definately bad for persistent long lasting random symptoms. Some might think it was in fact better than 2010, given I did not try to kill myself, but honestly, that should not be the meter to rate 'successful' treatments by. But by all means if your chronic migraine patient kills themselves consider the treatment a big 'fail'. This year was so bad that if I had not reached that emotional and physical breaking point in 2010 then I would have in 2011. Maybe inevitable really. We all likely have our own breaking points when it comes to pain expecially when other factors are tossed into the mix. Always good to throw out a reminder of that suicide attempt by the way, because I have to remind myself of what went down. It still feels unreal to me. Maybe because there was no real backlash from it really. Don't get me wrong, for a bit there everyone was stirred up and I felt real bad about that, and still do every time am reminded of what pain I could have, and did, cause to others. But there was no dicernable changes to my medical treatment (aside from being taken off Cymbalta and being put on an alternate, stronger, sleeping pill for a short duration). It was like they completely understood how someone suffering that much pain all the freakin time would go there, but because it was completely understandable such that any rational person would go there, there was no reason to be overly concerned about it. Even though the pain levels remained the same. The treatment was not really changed. Expectations on the workfront were exactly the same. ... yet... even though all the conditions remained the same they did not think I would go there again. Which actually if I were inclined to do so they sure made it easy for me to do so if I wished. There was just enough concern to ensure I was not going to jump of the nearest bridge but not enough to effectively do anything about any of the factors that led to the desire to do so. When I realized how completely indifferent the world was to the amount of pain I endured it actually made me more depressed than I was in 2010... the irony of that is freaking hilarious. So I was a bit numb at first. Sort of just dumb struck that when certain professionals were forced to become aware of the actual amount of pain I endured and did not care to do anything about it anyway... it hurt me in a real way. Totally different if they do not 'get' how much pain you are in. After the numb faze came the angry fustrated faze (why won't they do something? Why do I have to endure this?). And then just the acceptance faze (obviously nothing I do, say or feel is going to change a damn thing so just... do what they want). Such that at the end of 2011 I was just tired and ready to move on. Really the last half of the year has been survival mode... I was in too much pain, too tired, so I just got through one day at a time. When there is that much pain things get hazy, so I don't remember much after the emotional rollercoaster was finished.

So 2011 should have been more about recovery and stress reduction, but as usual, not. Weird how every time we realize we need to seriously reduce our stress levels the rest of the world decides we are not 'sick enough' and begin to torment us endlessly. Not saying it was a bad year for that per sa, just still reeling from 2010 really on that score. Spent the first three months of 2011 just being emotionally numb and coming to terms with the fact it made no difference how my emotional wellfare was, because no one but myself and my family cared or took it into consideration. It was like emotional pain was just an unplesant side effect of chronic pain, to be expected but not that big of a deal. I just had to suck it up and remind myself to be emotionally okay with that... because, trust me, for a bit I was not okay with that, just the fact I was being forced to endure more brought tears to my eyes. That being said after 300 hundred migraines imagine how many sick days I had... I actually don't know but I know it was high because I remember being reminded of it more than once by the boss lady. And even though I had too many sick days I was not threatened with being fired, so in that sense, 2011 was a rather good year. Except the usual guilt from missing work and the unfortunate fact my migraines have been so severe I literally could not even 'show up' in a boat load of pain and coast through the day, because I was doing that, a lot, and there were simply some extremely acute untreated migraines and persistent status migraines that slipped through the cracks of my ability to treat them and/or my ability to cope with them. Not nearly as many as you would think with that whole 300 marker, but too many.

Nothing changes. Nothing stays the same.

I want to hope 2012 will be better, but if the past predicts the future then that sure isn't going to happen. But less aweful would be nice. You know when your medication is just that perfect balance where yes, you still have chronic pain that cripples all aspects of your life, but, you have just enough control to maintain, to sort of function and to get by. That there is a damn good year. Most would hope for better but unfortunately I have to be realistic. My best year was when my medication was at that best results faze of a 50% reduction in migraines. That means my bestest of the best years I had about 150 or so migraines. Still chronic. Still really, really not fun. But just better enough I could feel like I was getting somewhere. Lets face it a 50% reduction is damn awesome even if it doesn't sound like it sometimes. It is also very hard to maintain because it is not just the perfect amount of medications, it is also about other factors like other crappy medical conditions, lack of sleep and in some years an insane amount of work stress. So getting back to that would be so awesome. That is what I want to get from my net neuro appointment... I'm almost desperate with this hope that he will just do something. I don't expect a cure, man, just a little less crappiness is all I ask for in the new year. Although given the wierdness of my symptoms lately I really hope he is on the ball.

Okay. Point is. 2011 sucked balls. Let's just forget it happened... I mostly have anyway. 2012 will not likely have any vast improvements. The secret is to actively not think about how much it will suck and to force yourself to repeatedly believe it will be better for whatever random reason. Pick and reason and go with it. Don't reflect on the past for longer than a day because reflecting just brings to mind all that suckiness.

I wish my neuro apt was closer

2012-01-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

It is in fact this month, but it does not seem close enough. I am losing it with these migraines. The vertigo thing is just messing me up. I have a hard time walking straight, everything looks like it is pulsing and my eyes won't track right. In the last two months I have missed too many days, more than usual, even for me which tells me I need to see my neuro stat. I hate missing work but these migraines are totally kicking my ass in more than just pain. Mind you, the pain part is also off the chart right now. Last couple of days I have not been able to sleep worth a damn, so the crappy migraine I had yesterday (which I treated from the getgo with a triptan, one of those vertigo pills and then later witj painkillers) did not go away, my vision just got wierder and weirder. Then after no bloody sleep last night today was worse and I treated right away again and still did not break the migraine.

I just can't wake up

2012-01-02T22:30:00.000-08:00

I admit my migraine symptoms have been erratic and intense, which is disturbing and difficult to function around. That's just the way my brain rolls and it is not like my workplace has accomadation for someone merely crippled by pain to help get me through a rough spot... they prefer the make things ways more stressful approach. Not to say it is getting to me, yet, just that it annoys me. I think all work places would be the same really becase who wants a chronically ill employee right? That doesn't make it right some of the crap companies pull on us, but I think the bias and discrimination is probally univerally found in most places of employment. I mean my workplace almost killed me, literally, and that is pretty impressive. But I made it through 2011 without jumping off a cliff and that was my New Years resolution that year. So Yay me. Which means I try not to let that crap get to me as much. But I am struggling with the migraines lately, added with the numbness in my hands, adding in the episodes of vertigo, adding in the increase in intensity to my visual aura making everything warpy. It is hard-er. Now since the vertigo began and maybe it is a part of that symptom I have had the worst fatigue ever. It could be a fibro thing saying 'hey, the pain is draining you, deal with it'. It is severe fatigue though. After I drag myself out of bed I am confused and disorientated. I begin to shake that off but I am still sluggish and tired. I manged to get dressed and out the door and to work. About an hour in I start yawning and craving a nap. By the time lunch rolls around I go home and do have a nap, to the point of almost falling into a deep sleep and sleeping in. I drag myself back to work and the fatigue begins to effect my consentation and my eyes get all wonky, having troubles focusing on the screen like I have not had enough sleep or something. But I am getting enough sleep, so it is just crazy fatigue that won't go away.

I tried eating sugar to give me a boost. I tried eating regular meals. I tried shooting coffee to try and wake up a bit. I tried sleeping in on the weekend. I tried taking an extra nap on the weekend. Nothing is shaking this fatigue. Really sucks.

On a good note, crazy ass migraines asside, my neuro appointment is this month. So less than a month and I can get some answers. I am putting all my hope on him but he may not have answers and he may not know what to do. That scares me. I know he does not have a magic pill that will solve all my problems. I just want answers and potentially something that can make things just a little bit better. Thats all I ask. A little bit better.

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T13:47:00.000-08:00

I brought the new year in with a whopping migraine, one that I could not treat with triptans because I had already done so for the three days prior. So no New Years Eve party or socializing for me this year... or last year if I recall correctly. Mind you, I don't think I'd be up for it even had I been migraine free; all that vertigo and such that has been going on has also been causing some serious fatigue. I get insane nap attacks... sometimes after only being up for an hour. Such a waste of day when it is spent sleeping.

Anyway I am so done with 2011. Bring it on 2012. Let's hope for less pain this year. Better treatment. Less work related stress. Less annoying and random symptoms.

My New Years resolution is just to continue not smoking. That will be an achievement in itself. Actually might as well tack on to continue mild exercise, better eating habits and taking my vitamins... because being the way my brain is, it is damn hard to stick to any routine of any sort, so if I can continue for the next year eventually it will become a habit.

Blah

2011-12-25T00:58:00.000-08:00

Hard to get into the Christmas spirit when I feel so out of sorts. The vertigo is disorientating and makes things real screwy. But also there is a mind numbing fatigue going on with it. Just that whole unwellness feeling that simply won't quit. Not to mention a boat load of migraine pain and neck pain. But the med for the vertigo, called serc which is used for Mènière's disease, does work moderately well... but makes me feel even more groggy and sleepy. Most new meds do anyway but taking it to stop the whole unsteadiness and disorientation that comes with these vertigo attacks at work does not make much sense if it makes me even more tired and drugged up. I tested it out today and there seems to be no extreme side effects which is good, but it only lasted about four hours and the vertigo is back again.

I must say with all these extra symptoms complicating an altready complication chronic pain situation is making me a little fustrated. Not because it is just another chronic symptom to add to the pile but because it does not seem like people take it seriously enough. I find oit extremely hard to cope with work when dealing with all the neurological symptoms and pain associated with chronic migraines, let alone adding to that burdan. It fustrates me that doctors fluctuate from thinking all is good, to thinking I should 'take time off' to saying I should not be working at all. I loath that uncertainty because it means I am put on leaves, repeatedly, which help and I relax a bit and I get a grip on the pain a bit, and then bam, I have to go back to work full time. They can't make up their minds which means I can never get a handle on the situation. Yeah I feel I am sufficiently crippled that work is a huge issue, but if they waffle back and forth about it, which obviously means I can't go on long term disability then I'm forced to ignore them altogether and just grin and bear it. That does not work for long, I know that for a fact, but it does not change the fact they give me no options. I feel like they don't get it at all. Or they do sometimes, at least they get the emotional toll it has on me, but expect that that'll be all fine and dandy after a short leave of absense from the constant stress of work. Whatevs. Point being having my doctor say this persistant hand numbness is because of my chronic migraines, ignoring how it affects my ability to function in basic ways, then saying this vertigo situation is also associated with my chronic migraines, so that is that... makes me think a) he is ignoring other possibilties and b) if it is all due to chronic migraines then maybe my chronic migraine situation is really, really not under control or managed and a little more serious than he seems to be taking it and c) when you add all the symtpoms up, all the meds up, does he really think I am able to function because, damn, I sure the hell don't. I am deeply concerned and I think if I am freaked out by my health lately, given how stoic I am about the usual minor to moderate erratic symptoms I usually deal with from FMS alone, then shouldn't my doctor be a tad worried?

I'm letting it slide because I do have my neuro appointment coming up and at least I know he takes my migraines seriously and will consider other things. Plus numbness while freaky and annoying as hell (I loath buttons lately) is not life threatening. And I think the same for the vertigo really... I think it is a serious concern, and very problamatic, and really is affecting my perceptions, but I'm not randomly passing out, or on the verge of passing out like occurs with dizziness, which means I am not worried about severe injury potential although it is making me even more clutzy than I already am. Potentially it could get worse and I know it is way worse when I have a migraine at the same time and causing issues when I treat the migraine... but it is not far to my neuro appointment. Like a co-worker and friend of mine says, I just have to not lie when I see my neuro because, yeah, I'm the queen of understatements when asked directly how I am feeling physically. Maybe I should just give the dude my blog address because at least here I can be honest.

Crank up the volume on the brain current

2011-12-24T02:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think of a migraine like out of control brain current, all that buzzing neurons causing such a buildup it can only be expressed via pain and brain hiccups. What is going on with me lately is more like a full on surge. When my hands went numb and my doc said it was likely a prolonged aura I did not agree or disagree, but I knew it was possible. Now with this constant virtigo which my doc says is also due to my migraines, I am beginning to wonder how valid that statement is. Isn't it damned unusual for two symptoms, that most definately can occur with a migraine and do, have become prolonged symptoms? And if those are in fact related to the migraines, which I can't be sure of, then what the hell is different about my migraines lately such that suddenly these neurlogical symptoms are persisting? And who knows? I have no clue on an answer to explain this random crap. Thankfully in mid Janurary I have that neuro apt which hopefuly means he might have a better clue what is going on.

The thing about these episodes of vertigo is that they affect me more so than other symptoms and that worries me. By that I mean when I do not have a migraine I can be standing and feel like I am falling, just for a second, causing me to jerk and shift my feet to correct for this false sensation. It does that all day long. Also when I am moving it is disorientating. When I am sitting and move it causing a bit of a lurching feeling. That is wierd. Also causing me to fall down because feeling the the floor is suddenly made of spounge and your skinking, thinking your falling, makes you make suggest corrections... that make you fall. Makes my eyes track a little wierd as well. Now when I actually have a migraine this is way worse. Walk like a drunk worse. The vertigo sensations stronger and more consistent. My vision gets right screwy, as in shimmering and warping. Makes it extremely difficult to be able to 'function' with a bad migraine. Today it got bad and so I was forced to take my triptan when I otherwise might not have because I needed something to dampen the migraine asap so that hopefully the vertigo crap would lessen and I would be able to continue to work and drive myself home. It did work, briefly, then it got wierd again. My vision all slow at tracking and the triptan causing some of its unplesant symtpoms. But obviously I'm going to need to take that med more often in order to do things like walking

Unwell

2011-12-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

There are times were you just feel unwell for no particular reason. Particular symtoms rise up but they made no sense. I am eagerly awaiting up neuro appointment because, damn, I feel unwell. First the whole numb hands thing which got a fraction better but is definately still there. Now this virtigo thing that just won't quit. I can be standing or sitting and all pof a suden it feels like I am moving, when standing it feels like I suddenly lose my balance because my foot feels like it is falling down. I move and the wolrd swirls for a moment. My eyes are not tracking so well and my right eye keeps hazing up. I'm not new to dizziness or virtigo but this is just not going away. Nor are the migraines, although the phsio helps keep the neck pain under control until I get a migraine that is. It is hard to stand for more than a few minutes without leaning on something because it gets so disorientating. And I've had two damn sick days cause of it. I'll make a doctors appointment and mention it but really I need to see my neuro.

Accupuncture fun

2011-12-18T01:48:00.000-08:00

Accupuncture is wierd. It is doing something, I can tell that, because it is giving me bouts of vertigo right afterward and then sporatically for the next day. Which is weird, but obviously that means it is in fact doing something. I am also bruising around the needle marks on my hand, which I thought odd and my fingers are swelling a bit. Hard to say it if it working on the migraines because it is just one of those killer migraine weeks right now.

Now the physio is definately helping. Got rid of the neck pain and now we are working on excersizes to keep it that way, and improve posture. My employer, the head honcho, said they will get me a chair and a proper keboard to continue to help with my posture to prevent the neck pain from getting that bad again. And if the numbness in my hand is due to the neck pain and nerves it might help with that too.

So I feel good that I am doing something. Instead of going on a leave of absence I am trying things that I hope will help me get the pain back to a tolerable level... so I can get to me neuro appoitment entact.

First acupuncture appointment ever

2011-12-13T22:08:00.000-08:00

Yes today I did my best impression of a porcupine to date. I've always been intrigued by the theories behind acupuncture... and always very willing to try absolutely every single thing possible that has the slightest possibility of improving my chronic migraine situation. Although one may think getting needles stabbed into your head is painful (and if that thought sounds painful then you've never had a migraine) but this was completely painless. Although after when I sat up I was the worst case of virtigo ever and it took a bit for that to get better... hard to walk when it feels like your left foot is falling through the floor. I think that had more to do with the migraine I had, the fact the table was tilted at a downward slope causing the blood to pool in my head and because I'm getting over a nasty flu that was causing a great deal of dizziness. Or getting needles stuck in your head causes vertigo. Either way it is a preventative technique I've been meaning to try and is somewhat covered by my work insurance... enough that part of the year would be covered if there is some sucess. And honestly I was willing to try Botox in the head and this is less intrusive and definately less annoying.

Worst flu ever

2011-12-13T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've been totally laid flat by a bout of the stomach flu... one that apparently has no freaking end, although it is getting slightly better. Maybe I made it worse by going to work like that because lets face it my immune system is not all that great and I have a little more trouble fighting things off once I got them. Plus with a stomach flu you get horrifically ill so quickly that you're weak as a kitten afterward, which is then compounded if you don't get better. I was not able to stand for more than a few minutes without getting dizzy and then needing to throw up. Just brutal. In the end I resorted to Gravol just to tame the nauseau enough to keep soup and water in me, which then gradually made me feel a bit better. Nothing else seemed to work and I'm stilling fighting with the nausea now.

Impressive aura

2011-12-04T00:34:00.001-08:00

I have to admit the visual aura manifestations can be quite spectacular and infinitely hard to describe to someone who has never seen them. If you pressed against your eyes for a few minutes and then released the sort of pulsating sparkles you might see are very close to what I call a classic visual aura... a distorted area of positive or negative colors that through the course of the aura gradually expands through the visual field. Then there is visual snow which is a billion specks of white, gold or eletric blue that fill the entire visual field like white static on a TV, sometimes just making everything sparkle and sometimes making everything distorted like a bad image on a TV where the reception is very bad. If you catch me staring vacantly at the sky or a white wall it is because I am distracted by the sparkles.

I was impressed by an aura on Thursday. All day I was getting the most impressive sharp sparks of blue light just periodically flashing and drawing my attention for sure. Then near the end of the day my whole visual field began to shimmer. Best I can describe it is like I was looking through heat. Everything just sort of rippled back and forth slightly. I have had similar auras before it is just that visual auras are so very diverse and bizzare. People honestly do not know how difficult it can be sometimes to focus on them, or read or walk when the visual aura is that warping. Whereas the flashes of blue light were just interesting... although given how abrupt and bright they were I can imagine a situation where they would not be welcome, such as driving and thinking there was something there that I would need to swerve to avoid.

Anyway, very bizarro. And fasinating. Also can't honestly use the phrase 'seeing is believing' if you get that sort of migraine aura. Otherwise I would have to come up with all sorts of random theories to explain what I see. Like a billion dancing fairies.

Less than perfect timing

2011-11-24T21:49:00.001-08:00

I'm trying to quit smoking... again. I've mentioned I have troubles with it because, well, when I get a boat load of pain smoking helps me feel relaxed. Also there is the benifit to having a bad habit that will not prolong my life, which in my more self destructive moments seems like a dang fine idea. I can't use most quit smoking products since they seem to have the side effect of constant migraine-ism. So I have been using the nicorette 2mg mints and it has been working decently I must say. Granted for no real reason I get randomly irritated through the day and feel like snapping, berating, snarking or choking people who talk, touch or look at me. In all honesty it has just been some mild irritation and that is quite a bit better than the last time I tried to quit, so that is good. I don't have any smokes around me which is also good, since I don't have the will power to not smoke them if they are right there, but I can certainly resist the temptation to warm up the car, bundle up, treck out into the snow and go buy some smokes... barely. So timing wise winter is a darn good time to quit because honestly none of us enjoy going outside in minus thirty weather, wind giving us a skin peal, to get our fix. The bad timing aspect just has to do with this job upgrade thing I'm going at work, which makes me a tad fustrated and want a smoke. Denying myself irritates me. Not giving in though makes me happy. I figure in about a month I will feel a bit better about not having a smoke when I crave one, breaking the habit a bit, but obviously it will not be a habit for awhile and I'll have these mints on hand for quite awhile.

Quitting smoking is hard enough. Migraines don't make it easier because of course migraines are a major source of stress during the day. And smoking is my sort of reward for enduring the pain. Something to do with myself when there is nothing I can do about the pain itself. Without that it makes me snarky... that is to say the unmanagable pain makes me snarky even when I am managing the physical craving for nicotine. There literally is no positive reinforcement thing I can think of to reward myself for tolerating pain during the work day. A pat on the back simply does not suffice. Saying I'll be healthier when I quit smoking also does not amuse me, because 'healthier' or not some health issues are chronic. I had such a wicked, nasty, brutal migraine on Friday night that I was having a real hard time coping with... expecially since I could not have a smoke to ease the tension. It was not about the nicotine at all, that I had handled, it was about a vast amount of pain and what I normally do when there is nothing left I can do to treat the migraine. I don't like to wallow in pain and smoking was just one thing I do to trick my brain into tolerating it better, even if that sounds like a contradiction. It is like taking an over the counter pain killer even though you know it won't even put a dent in the pain... psychologically it makes you feel a bit better. But when I take a tramacet and my migraine still rages... it would not be a good idea to keep taking more tramacet and so having a few smokes, that don't do anything, but make me feel better helped.

Anyway being in all that pain and just having nothing to do to distract me really, really sucked. And it is going to really, really suck when it happens at work. That is usually what breaks my willpower. I get this raging migraine at work and I can't leave work, that is simply not done, and if my triptan or painkiller or both does nothing then I get to that point where I don't give a damn and if I want a damn smoke to release some stress than I damn well will have one, damn it. So far I've been able to just handle the nicotine cravings and just sort of pretend the pain is not bothering me. Honestly, is there any good way to handle all the stress of handling acute pain? I can take deep, calming breaths... except when taking a deep breath actually hurts, which trust me happens when a migraine gets that severe. In the end I think I'll just have to acknowledge there is nothing I can do for that sort of pain. No escape certainly. No effective treament. Bad habits or not, it is what it is. Smoking or not smoking the pain will remain regardless. And I need to quit smoking because my spouse needs to quit smoking and he won't if I continue. It may give me some sort of comfort when nothing else does but it is not 'real'.

It hurts when I move like this... well, then stop moving like that

2011-11-22T21:50:00.001-08:00

I went to my first physiotherapy appointment today for the assessment stage of things. First, I suspect the physiotherapist is like eighteen max but since he had to have had some training he must just look young... or I'm getting old and relatively speaking he looks young. Not that it is important, just thought I'd share that. Secondly, I had a migraine at the time, which, obviously, it hardly surprising. But it was fairly bad since I'd treated it with a triptan earlier in the day but it was one of those ones that comes back, stronger and nastier about five hours later. So I was rather... fuzzy headed and really just focusing on getting it done. Naturally he asked me a lot of questions and naturally the answers I gave were less that concise. Expecially with timelines. People should not ask me anything to do with timelines. I am really not aware of how much time has passed since the pain was more than the usual pain because the pain part is pretty damned consistent. A month and six month seem both accurate. I'm simply not that aware of the passage of time, just the passage of the week, as in, getting to the weekend.

Also, while investigating my neck pain which required a) moving my neck and b) touching my neck the answer was always c) yes that hurts. It was all variations of that hurts less and that hurts a crapload. Really given I had a migraine at that moment, just moving my head hurt so I bet it was hard for him to narrow it down, but it seems the horrific pain stems from the very top of my neck and lower skull area. He came to the obvious conclusion that my muscles are carrying a lot of tension. Oh yeah, for some reason people tense up when they are in pain. Just the way it is. And of course, given my less that ergonomical work enviroment and my less than perfect posture and working with a migraine and just a wee tad of stress wolloped on top of that... is giving me a lot of neck pain. He is not sure whether the migraines which have been extremely frequent and violent lately are the cause of the neck pain or the neck pain is making the migraines worse... which really is a pretty puzzle isn't it? Because neck pain is a symptom of a migraine. Get enough migraines and that symptom endures longer because you are tense when you have one. That really is not important what is important is lessening it which we will be working on twice a week probably forever... or until I run out of cash, either or.

When things get worse...

2011-11-19T23:44:00.001-08:00

There is always a time that comes where the pain begins to own me. Preventing me from doing anything and greatly tormenting me when I choose to anyway. Sometimes I ignore it and think it will get better, I just need to get through this bad spell... and it does not get better because things become extremely stressful from missing work and just plain stressful from trying to work.

So I have made a plan to do things that will help get me through this rough spell without having to take another medical leave of absence.

First, I will be going to physiotherapy to help with the bad neck pain I have that is making my migraines so much worse. It is not even describeable how painful it is when my neck is like this and I have a migraine. And physio was the only thing that helped the last time my neck was out if sorts and causing pain down to my shoulders and restricting mobility. They have the massage on the neck, heat bads and other techniques. They also give you exersizes to do yourself.

Second, I am setting up another in-patient migraine treatment. If it works I think I might ask my doctor to set one up every time I have a status migraine.

Third, I have an appointment with my neuro in Janurary where we can look at why my hands are still numb and adjust my mediations. And ask him as well how long he thinks I can reasonably go on like this.

Hopefully these will all help get me through the rough spot because it is beginning to effect my mood already, just from trying to get through things in such pain. But I have to try something. Anything.

What a pain in the neck

2011-11-16T21:59:00.001-08:00

I was in way too much pain today. Way, way too mcuh. So much that I think it was an insanely bad idea to go into work, yet missing two days in a row is an insanely bad idea for entirely different reasons. So I went and the lack of sleep and migraine I have had since Monday made it all rather unpleasant. The nasty neck pain that is constantly bad but horrificly bad when I move a certain way brought the pain to a level even I with my super human pain tolerance was having a real hard time with. By the way, I think I am immune to pain killers or this pain was way beyond what they could handle. Also, Tiger Balm arthritis rub is not a lovely perfume to wear to work but feels rather nice. I should have slathered it all over my head. I think there is a possibility I broke my neck while sleeping or the migraines broke my neck from their existence. There is honestly not much more I can say about it. Just Insanely Bad. I did make another doctor appointment because I feel my doctor gets lonely if I don't see him every fricken month. In this case because a) I forgot to get a refill of my asthma medication and have been using my boyfriend/spouse/signifant other's asthma medication, which fortunately is the same as mine, but unfortunately I gave him the flu I had a few weeks ago and the cold I caught this week. Oops. Oh, yeah, and b) my freakin neck hurts.

Paint me discouraged

2011-11-15T23:03:00.001-08:00

I've been trying my damndest to get to work every day, missing hopefully only one day a month. It has been very diffiuclt and I am failing. Like always I think I'll just keep trying till my neuro appointment and then hopefully things will get better. But my neuro appointment is always so damn far away and I need help now. It makes me fustration and guilty and I can deny it is bothering me all I want, but the fact is, it is a real struggle. Monday was a bad day for me, one I barely got through with a lot of painkillers. I could not sleep that night, the pain kept me awake, then a horrible migraine nightmare when I finially fell asleep woke me up and by 4am it was clear it was not going to be a restful night in any sense of the word. So the wicked migraine in the morning caused me to miss work. I had hoped to make it till Wednesday because if I could make it that far it would have been all right as I work the later shift on Thursday and an extra couple hours of sleep usually makes me feel less strained and drained and I can get through Thursday and Friday better.

These migraines are taking a toll on me. They always do. It is so damn hard to function and in the morning so damned hard to move let alone face the day. I had one of those 'motion' migraines opposed to those 'stomach flu-like migraines'. Motion migraines are viscious. You get up to get dressed and every movement of your head causes and arch of pain and the more you move the worse it gets until you cannot even move a fraction. I lay in bed till 3pm, useless. My neck is killing me as well... too many frequent migraines cause it to tense right up. I think I might need physio on it again since it is getting pretty bad.

Yet I have to survive somehow. I have to finish my work training in December, be coherent enough to pass it and there enough to achieve it. I need to survive work until thinks get better... and I just hope that is soon. Work is not patient with me when I struggle.

It is all about timing

2011-11-12T00:20:00.001-08:00

I was lucky this month when I caught that hormonal migraine stretch early. As I have said before hormonal migraines are brutal... a trigger that keeps on going for a week, such that the migraine is continious and very difficult to treat. The most effective treatment I have ever had for these was strong anti-inflammatories taken for that week, unfortunately, strong anti-inflammatories can do some damage to the digestive system and in my case they did, such that I can't even take an Advil these days. However, triptans just don't seem to cut it for these migraines and if these migraines are not treated aggressively they can lead to a status migraine that far outlasts the trigger itself. The best thing to do is take a triptan as soon as this sort of migraine begins, but, with chronic migraines treating them is all about timing and knowing when to treat a migraine and knowing when to just endure because to avoid the risk of a rebound headache not every migraine can be treated. So, obviously, sometimes I miss that oportune time to take a triptan. Still, when the migraine usually persists for a week, treating with a triptan right away may just make that particular day better, but I usually end up waking up with a migraine the next day and so on and so forth. So what I asked of my doctor a few months back was for a stronger, longer lasting painkiller, I could take right from getting up and for a couple of days to treat those migraines before they became a status migraine, thus making it three bad days rather than a week or more. And this works very well. I take a triptan and one of those painkillers and then follow up the next few mornings with the painkiller and the situation is well manager. Again, it needs to be right away. Knowing it is a hormonally triggered migraine that needs to be treated like that opposed to the rest of the migraines where my treatment varies and does not include that painkiller is very tricky. I timed it perfectly this week. It was a better migraine week than it could have been for sure. Got lucky with the timing, which I definately did not last week. They are still killer migraines, but I can definately save myself some pain or help decrease the duration by timing it just right.

I love darkness

2011-11-06T01:52:00.000-07:00

It is no secret I loath light and avoid it at all costs. I wear the darkest of sunglasses right up until it is too dark to see with them. I wear my pink tinted glasses at work to filter out the nasty, nasty flouresent light that was invented by the devil. I decrease the brightness and contrast on computer screens to the extent others cannot see the screen. I read in very dim lighting better than in regular lighting. I use low wattage light bulbs away from my direct line of sight. My house may have windows but they all have the blinds closed and tilted upward to eliminate any light seepage. In the bedroom I keep the blinds closed, have curtains closed and have those curtains pinned to the wall... so it is a bedroom I could process film in if I desired. When driving at night I see better without traffic signs and other headlights, other headlights obscure everything and it is simply faith the road is still there that keeps me from diving off of it to get away from that light... as you might imagine, I don't drive at night, it tends to freak my passangers out for some reason. I think vampires are very lucky because they have an irrifutable reason to avoid sunlight as spontaneous combustion essentially means they cannot leave the house during the day, lucky buggers... I would consider becoming one but I like garlic. Migraines are one reason I loath light, just because of the sensativity and stabbing me in the eyeball aspect light has. Also FMS makes me always sensative to light, so it is sort of a combo effect.

Sooo... I am loving the reduced daylight of approaching winter!

Problem is... I also loath winter. And when the nasty white stuff gathers everywhere, well, then the nasty sunlight reflects off all that whiteness making it all worse. Fortunately I will spend most of the evil daylight hours inside at work under the evil flouresent lights.