THE WORLD INSIDE

Exception

2012-01-19T18:10:00.000+05:30

When I was a little boy,
I dreamed of someone like you,
as I grew older I think I tried,
too hard to make you come true,

As the years vapidly toil on,
the dream's still alive unborn,
but I'm beginning to believe,
you're nothing more than an illusion,

For a few chance moments I felt,
my heart in consternation,
but it was just coincidence disguised,
as a divine premonition,

I shudder, shrink, gather, move on,
familiar faces mocking in unison,
reality slips slowly from my crippled grasp,
still miles away from my destination,

The whispers now have stopped and I pretend,
I am under the Lord's protection,
the dream audaciously lingers on,
despite my blatant rejection,

I am a fool and I'll always be,
beguiled by this infatuation,
if you don't intend to show up,
at least point me in the right direction,

When love ceases to exist and I finally surrender,
to fate and all its abberations,
all the world will go dark in search of salvation,
you will still be the only exception.

Wherever You Are

2011-12-13T18:54:00.000+05:30

It's in every waking dream and in my every sigh,
in the soft tickle on my finger tips, in every goodbye,

in the genial warmth of the morning sun,
in the ferocious gusting of the storm,

in every half spoken word and every half uttered thought,
in every goofy smile and in every carefree laugh,

it's in the hope that rises after every failure,
it's in the strength I find in every humbling defeat,

in the ecstasy of every laborious victory,
in the assurance of every milestone achieved,

in every prayer that I utter before I go to bed,
in every wish I pronounce silently in my head,

in the silence of every lonely night,
in the cacophony of the maddening light,

in the anguish of every abandoned tear,
in the affection of every touch that's near,

in the beauty of every blooming spring,
in the pensiveness that every frost brings,

in the innocence of every baby born,
in the serenity of every departed soul,

in every antidote that time rubs into my scars,
in every beat of my fervid heart,

the only thing I remember,
no matter how much I try to forget,

Love is wherever you are,
and you are everywhere.

A Thousand Years

2011-11-03T21:03:00.001+05:30

Can I say that I could live,
a thousand years without seeing your face,
yet every living moment my soul,
your resonating life, it would chase,

I know I tried so hard to fill,
the emptiness from our demise,
and as my dreams were poached I realized,
the nuptial rings were never our size,

I'd like to think that I could be,
complete without your presence here,
yet every starry night my eyes,
hope to find your shadow near,

I wanted so much to become,
the one you thought I always was,
a thousand years I must now repent,
a thousand years' worth of flaws.

(Picture Credited to: David Richler)

Rising Tide

2011-10-07T21:36:00.001+05:30

I'm a worried man caught in the rising tide,
empty silence lies ahead of me, darkness behind,
as I float purposeless with long heaving sighs,
all I recall are those benign hazel eyes,

Hope is a strange vessel sailing the lonely sea,
gives you what you need, but not what you seek,
it's an irony then, what life predicts for me,
to find happiness in places, I never thought it would be,

She's sitting across to me with mirrors in her eyes,
trying to sell me the past, re-live my lies,
but I'm dressed in my best and her appeal has died,
I'm taking the last train, to hell with goodbyes,

I'm a buccaneer on the oceans of despair,
I'll steal your heart when I so choose and care,
to you it may seem unpleasant, unfair,
but I'm the one who sat all night, talking to an empty chair,

Lots of water under the bridge, memories to forsake,
you can't count on me to change my ways,
don't build dreams from memories, where you have lost your stake,
coz I'm not as eager as I once was, to make a mistake.

(Image courtesy: My Studios)

The Pilgrim

2011-09-27T03:08:00.000+05:30

"You know I’ve heard about people like me,

But I never made the connection.

They walk one road to set them free,

And find they’ve gone the wrong direction.

But there’s no need for turning back,

cause all roads lead to where I stand.

And I believe I’ll walk them all,

No matter what I may have planned."

My feet felt like they weighed twice my body weight and Mother Earth thought it an opportune time to show me how relativity applies to gravity as much as it does to time. My feet could give way any moment. They were scathed and worn. I had lost one of my shoes crossing the frigid waters of the stream a few miles back. The water apart from being numbingly cold, was more boisterous than I had initially anticipated. Not surprising that when it decided it wanted my shoe, it took it rather rudely. I managed to keep the other one somehow and drew some pride from my small victory. It was short-lived as I threw the other shoe away a while later. The stream had eventually won, that cunning creature! It also seemed silly and somewhat annoying to walk with one shoe on. If I looked like a hobo, the least I could do was play the part.

The sun was just receding into the horizon and as I looked at the rusty sky I knew I needed to set myself down before I collapsed from exhaustion. After walking for what seemed like half a mile, I found what looked like an old shack, must have been unused for years, there were only two and a half walls still standing and no roof to speak of, like it had collapsed or burnt down. It seemed just right, I would be able to see the stars, I liked the comfort of them watching over me, the watchmen of the gods.

As I let my will loosen it's grip on my body, the languidness of my physical condition took over and I fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes, with a very literal plop sound. Only when I hit the ground and lay there for a minute or so did I realize just how tired I really was. To move a finger felt like I was moving a mountain. The submissiveness was liberating, another journey had ended and tomorrow another would begin.

As I walked from village to town to city, from green fields to concrete jungles, from wood and leaves to bricks and mortar, from sea shores to canyons, from plains and plateaus to the sands of the desert, every one I met had the same question - Where are you going traveler? I gave them all the same answer - "To this moment". They always had a bewildered look on their faces, they seemed to think I was playing a riddle or pulling their leg, humoring them or just being rude. I was just being honest.

I was not going anywhere, I was already where I needed to be, the song has already been written, I am simply playing to the tune. There is no place I need to get to, there is no place I have set my mind on reaching. I don't remember when I started walking and I don't know when I will stop. I only hunger for experience, knowledge, stories, incidents about people, their lands, their dreams, their wishes, their pain and their joys, their plans and their rituals. Each encounter has left me richer and each road I have taken has left me wiser. I don't worry about the roads I have missed. I am sure that no matter which road I had taken, it would have led me to where I stand now. I am grateful for the times I have been lucky to escape disease and I have looked death in the face and smiled back. Some call me a hermit, some call me a witch doctor, a thief, other say I am a messiah, a prophet, a deity. Some love me, and give me a place to stay and food to eat, clothes and shoes to replace my old ones. Others shun me, throw stones, and begin reciting words from scriptures as I knock on their doors. To some I am a brother and to others an outlaw. I am eternally obliged and indebted to the ones who were kind to me, and feel no angst or hatred towards the ones who were not as thoughtful. It is instinctive for people to be afraid of anything or anyone they cannot understand and whose purpose they cannot comprehend. I have made my mistakes, I have gone down the wrong roads and I have paid my price more than people will believe. My virtues have been tested and I have failed many times. I have walked with shackles around my feet and have had nails punctured through my palms, tasted my own blood and the blood of my fellow man. I have saved many a life but taken far more. My life is a blessing, and like all things that hold value, it has not come without a price. My gift is my savior but it is also my curse, one albeit I am glad to live with.

As these thoughts trailed through my mind faster than the blood rushing to my head, I broke out of my vegetative state. I could still not gather the courage to move. I had let my thoughts drift away with the evening breeze like floating seeds. Maybe they would germinate in some other minds and they too would seek out their destiny and answer their calling. Using my shoulders and elbows as support, I turned my body around so I could look at the sky. As I did, I looked in awe at the pristine view, it was exhilarating and no matter how many times I had seen it before, it still took my breath away and for a moment I was a child again looking in wonder at the heavens above. Celestial Lamps lit up in the sky and all of them looked back at me, some recording my thoughts and some planning my fate, but all of them summoned as if to my service and to aid in my comfort and pleasure. No matter where I went, they were the only constant in my existence, they were my only family.

As the night placed a warm blanket of self belief over me, I thought of where tomorrow would take me, where I would sleep, who I would meet and what I would learn. However, I had become certain of one thing, this journey would not have an end, only pauses, I was a pilgrim and as long as I kept walking, my destiny was only as distant as my next step.

(Opening stanza credited to the song - Crossroads by Don McLean)
(Image credited to Sgrazied)

Steps

2011-09-12T19:48:00.002+05:30

I know these are just our first few steps,
but my feelings for you, I can't measure their depth,
your love sneaked into me, and my heart it leapt,
I think I dreamed you into life as I slept,

Where this road will lead me I can only suspect,
where ever it may be, I will never regret,
finding you has been my life's eternal quest,
perhaps retribution for all my tears unwept,

As I move down this winding road,
I am not afraid and I am not perturbed,
all I need is you to be by my side,
No road is too long and no mountain too high,

I can't remember the last time I felt so strong,
and as my love grows, this wait seems so long,
I try to find the perfect word, the perfect line, the perfect song,
even when the words are right, somehow the tune's all wrong,

Still these words spill out of me,
sometimes in prayer, sometimes in symphony,
and if we are damned to be forsaken in the pages of destiny,
each dream would still have been worth its penalty,

And as I take each step, I know I'm closer than before,
I've stumbled, I've fallen, I've been abandoned and forlorn,
my spirit will not relent, till she's mine once more,
but until then as always, I'll walk alone.

Wonderland

2011-09-07T20:13:00.000+05:30

Tipper Tapper the raindrops sing,
an earthly croon, an elvish hymn,

Outside my window, against the glass pane,
slipping, sliding, invisible stains,

I stretch my hand out as if to catch a tune or two,
so I can write her a song, wipe away the blue,

As the drops make silent puddles on my arid palm,
eyes shut I dream, silence the storm,

I dare not open them, for the wonder I see,
the morning sun bathed in her serenity,

She's Venus personified, I bow to her command,
as she hands me the keys to wonderland,

I open my eyes, the dream has broken free,
she's so near and yet so far away from me.

(Photo attributed to Arman Zhenikeyev)

Happy Birthday!

2011-09-04T14:14:00.000+05:30

[I wrote this last month to mark my birthday, I hit the dreaded thirty :P but age as they say is just a number, which is just affirmative crap! Here's the truth people, we are all getting older! :O ohh..the horror! Jokes aside, hope it doesn't sounds like I'm gloating through the poem, felt it conveyed some message, so thought I would share, your comments are most welcome :)]

Another year passes by,
another year in the blink of an eye,
bring out the cake and the pie,
its time for 29 to say goodbye,

Lessons have been learned along the way,
some demons have also been put away,
I'm hoping this time I will not stray,
the sun is shining, time to make some hay,

A hope long relinquished has come to fore,
I'm down on my knees and begging once more,
this final time, my knock on your door,
heed to my call, oh celestial soul,

Pump blood into my wings so I may fly,
not like Icarus, to eventually drown and die,
not like a naive, silly, overzealous boy,
but with the poise and gallantry of a real Mccoy,

Fill my heart with passion and courage once again,
for Love has beguiled me like a dose of coccaine,
with every whiff I go more insane,
it's so different this time and yet the same,

Gratitude for the tenacity you bestowed on my immortal soul,
and the will to keep going through every minute unconsoled,
despite the pain and failure I had to endure,
there was always faith at the end of the scroll,

It was not all gloom and dark and grey,
there was lots of laughter and lots to celebrate,
small milestones were attained, I know it sounds like a cliche,
but I wouldn't change a thing, if I had my way,

I am a product of every experience I have undergone,
despite my kinks and faults, still a proud black schwan,
as my destiny is revealed, I will cease to be a pawn,
from the chaos and carnage, like a sunrise I will spawn,

So one more year to put behind me is what they say,
the crowd they bustle and the horses neigh,
the conductor waves his baton and the music plays,
Oh! daunting 30, I'm on my way.

Morning Rain

2011-09-03T16:17:00.000+05:30

Morning rain, the sky has wept,
the birds sheltered, the leaves are wet,
my eyes sore, I've hardly slept,
the same song keeps playing from that darn cassette,

Morning light, the sky is ripe,
the birds are chirping, in hunger, in fright,
im right beside you, just out of sight,
some dreams take off, some need more fight,

Morning breeze, the sky is fading,
the birds fly away, time for grazing,
the mind is awake, my eyes are sleeping,
you're the only dream worth dreaming,

Night is here and morning's gone,
the birds in their nests, as darkness is born,
seven minutes of a moment, is where I truly belong,
the clown dries his tears, for the show must go on.

Sense

2011-09-02T16:36:00.000+05:30

It floats to me like a cloud of light,
in waves of amber, blue and white,

taps on my shoulder and pecks my brow,
a longing embrace, an endearing glow,

softly kisses me on cold moonlit nights,
wakes me up to music and candle lights,

visions and dreams it shows to me,
carries tremors from my heart to thee,

reminds me my mind is to blame,
and my heart is the only part of me that's sane,

paints ribbons of orangy red against the sunset sky,
says it may be impossible to win, but insists I still try,

says I'm a million miles away,
but assures me I will find a way,

blatantly leads me to your door,
like an unfinished tale from an ancient folklore,

I plead for its identity, says only time will break this suspense,
and now that I've found you, somehow it all makes sense.

No Turning Back

2011-09-01T20:41:00.000+05:30

I try to hide the fears now,
nurse them with hope,
Don't you test my will now,
my spirit's almost broke,
I was just about to drown now,
if not for your support,
why keep me alive now,
if not to hold me close,
I'm learning to breathe again now,
your life in every stroke,
There's no turning back now,
my ship has set its course.

My Experiments with Truth - My Limbic System!

2011-03-04T20:30:00.000+05:30

I have been trying to post something new for the past few weeks and sadly none of my efforts have been worth posting. OK, I’ll be honest; I haven’t been making any effort at all! The thing is, writing for me is so much about the moment; and about the fluidity of my thoughts in that moment. Sometimes I can sit for months and nothing happens, my mind is devoid of ideas and everything I write seems to be forced. I know what you’re thinking, it’s called WRITERS BLOCK! It’s not the first time I’ve faced it, I go through exhaustive periods when I not only am starved for ideas or inspiration, but I completely lose the will or motivation to write. It feels like a chore, something I am imposing on myself and as far as I know myself, the moment that factors in, I just turn off and it takes me a long time to get myself active again.

Another thing I have noted in my writings over the years, most of them have been written when I’m on one or the other extreme of the emotion scale. Leaving a very few posts, most of my posts have been deep, intense, introspective and indulgent. I have hardly ever written when I am emotionally stable. I don’t find writing light, frothy posts easy. They just don’t come out the way they should. Whenever I try, I get frustrated and just give up. I think that is my most basic and fatal drawback as a writer. I have sub-consciously or semi-consciously stereo-typed my writing because on that stage, I find the words so forthcoming and sublime. On the other hand, when I have written something simple and frivolous, it has come out so bad, so atrocious and sub-standard that I have questioned if I can write in the first place!

I know, maybe I am over reacting and all writers go through this at some point in their lives. However, for me the journey is tougher because I am kind of a snob…ok…ok…a lazy procrastinating snob! Some things I believe as just below me and some things are not worth writing about (which is false, coz anything and everything is worth writing about, all that’s needed is a discerning eye). To add insult to injury, since I have lost my adolescent thirst for reading, I am very, very short on ideas and topics to write about, having to write about something that needs to be researched and analyzed, I just quit then and there. I don’t even pursue it, the few times that I have forced myself to; the results have been rather encouraging. One more thing, sharing my views on most things is not my modus operandi, I am usually the person who sits in the corner and listens intently. I don’t really have strong opinions, and I don’t like to force feed my philosophy to anyone, both traits in hindsight, I might have benefited from, maybe to a certain extent.

So you must be wondering, all of my thousands of followers…yes all 14 of you! :P Why this monologue? Why am I projectile vomiting my inhibitions and insecurities as a writer for all of you to read and maybe some of you to ridicule? Well it’s sort of my way to start a personal crusade to become a better writer. To write about things that I find interesting, but also to take interest in things that fall outside my palate, to break the shackles of my own mind, and to push myself, to shed my skin, to wake myself up and snap out of this complacent, self centered egotistical bubble that I am living in. It’s an honest attempt, one that I hope bears fruit. So over the course of the next few months, I will be trying my hand at writing about things and topics that I have not ventured till now, it is my honest endeavor to grow, both as a writer and a human being.

P.S. – All and any suggestions are welcome :)

Alone with you

2011-01-12T20:53:00.000+05:30

I look back down the years and wonder, how did we reach where we are today? I know things have never been simple for us, I know there have always been variables that have been beyond our control and circumstances that have mostly gone against us. I can even go to the length of saying that whatever could have gone wrong for us...has! But even in moments of utter chaos...even when everything around us was falling apart...when even hope seemed to be an impossible possibility...even then...the world that existed between you and me was one of unspoken devotion, unbridled love, a calm warm place that existed when we were together in any form. A safe place where we could escape to and find the will and resolve to keep going. I thought that would never change, no matter what happened and how far away we drifted. I always lived with the divine belief that no one could take away the one place in the world that truly belonged to me. Maybe my belief was a state of being in a prolonged drunken stupor. Now when this delusion has faded, I find myself distraught and alone in a way I have never felt before.

I know I cannot complain, and I cannot blame anyone for what I am experiencing, not even you. I know we all change with time, we all experience things that leave permanent scars on our life. My pain, anguish and struggle is mediocre when compared to what you have gone through. I still hold myself responsible for not being there, for not being able to share your burden or even to hold your hand. I can blame fate by saying that it was all part of the Lord's written word and I could have done nothing to prevent what happened, but the truth is that I had a choice, to stay or leave, I took the latter. I think that was the first moment in my life when I actually thought of us at two separate people, two distinct individuals, two disparate souls with their own destinies. Before that moment I never believed we would ever be apart. I never let the thought even crawl into my head. Now the realization that this alternate reality could even exist left me cold, callous and disillusioned. I don't think I have ever completely recovered. I know people can argue that I didn't really have a choice and you had taken your stand and I did the right thing by setting you free. Maybe I did what was best for the both of us. I guess I took the best choice, but the best choice is not always the right one!

I may never be able to completely empathize with what you went through and how much it changed you. At one level, I think it's because I have never experienced the trauma and agony that comes from what you have lost, and on another level, because I no longer figure as a confidante, someone who you can turn to, someone who you believe will always catch you when you fall. No matter how much you say that is untrue, what my heart feels when I close my eyes, no amount of words or pretentiousness can ever prove wrong. I know you may not believe me, but I do understand. If you have lived in a prison, then I have been in the darkest most murkiest corners of it with you. I have taken every step and caught every tear that has trickled down you face. I may never be able to completely express to you what it feels like to see someone you love in pain, and not be able to help, to touch, to share...to abandon them almost...because life gives you no other choice.

I don't know how much of what you have gone through has changed you, and what bruises you carry with you. I will never know if you never let me in. Yet, I can see the change, I can feel the change. I remember a time when being in your embrace was the most intense, most exalted, most overwhelming feeling I had ever experienced. It became an addiction and I have never experienced such a moment of raw, unrestrained emotion with another living being. It was forbidden, maybe even sinful. Now as I lie next to you, I can see the body, I can touch the flesh, but I cannot feel the heart. I cannot find the soul. Maybe the girl I loved has been left behind somewhere. I just want you to know, that if you put your trust in me one last time, I will go back into the darkness, I will find her again and I will bring her back...I will bring you back! Because as far as I know, if you don't exist, neither do I and nothing else in the world matters. I don't want to live like this, even when you are by my side, I don't want to be alone...even when I am with you!

Christmas Lights

2010-12-28T12:06:00.000+05:30

Its that time of year once again,
I see the signs, I can tell,

the same old tale, the same old claim,
pieces on the board, but we never finish the game,

the Christmas cheer, the cold winter breeze,
lights serenading as I walk down the street,

counting my blessings, a prayer in my heart,
to melt the gates of fate that keep us apart,

parents, children, tis the time for family,
postcards, presents and the Christmas tree,

carols being sung, their voices fill the air,
it's as much happiness as I can bear,

I feel no disdain, only self pity,
I'm not jealous, just guilty of envy,

I remember taking this walk with you,
we spoke of love, promises and dreams come true,

we walked so long together, yet strayed so far,
won the battle, but lost the war,

the little things are always the hardest to forget,
the way you tied your hair, kissed my forehead,

my barren palm reminds me, times have changed,
but the more things change, the more they stay the same,

the older I grow, the lonelier I feel,
the more I trust, the less I heal,

only questions to negotiate, not an answer in sight,
like a bemused bird swaying aimlessly in flight,

the reasons you didn't return I never could see
I was afraid you'd say the reason was me,

you can tell me forever my assumption is absurd,
but silence sometimes speaks louder than words,

there's joy and happiness around me, but I can't sing along,
I'm the forsaken ghost of Christmas, with my own forsaken song,

like a river of diamonds and silk, flows the night sky,
you're happy where you are, and so am I,

you come and go as you please, like the years that pass me by,
these Christmas lights will always be here, and so will I.

The Jester who stole the crown

2010-11-25T18:56:00.000+05:30

The court was full of nobles and royals,
waiting with bated breath,
the date was set, the King had said,
his daughter had to be wed,
the princess walked out and took her place,
they bowed their heads in respect,

all vying for her hand in matrimony,
they came from near and far,
some with their carnal eyes on her youth,
others on the crown in the cookie jar,
she stood before them with disdain,
hoping that someone would seek,
not just her beauty or her crown,
but the heart that beat beneath,

The king announced any man with honor,
could strive to win his daughter's hand,
a noble, a prince and even a tramp,
if he proved he was of worthy brand,
line by line the nobles tried,
to charm the princess with gifts,
and gestures that were as hollow,
as the poetry they paid to lift,

As the king's word reached his ear,
the jester decided he'd try his luck,
his soul was free and he had nothing to lose,
the most they could do was lock him up,
the court went aghast when he requested to speak,
but the King promised him a turn,
so when he finally got the chance,
he spoke without fear, his words were firm,

I may not be of noble breed, he said, but I am of noble deed,
for the rings of integrity my lady, do not flatter thieves,
I cannot pay your weight in gold nor your crown do I crave,
but to show your heart the joy of smaller things,
those that have never crossed your palace gates,
to trust, to support, to respect, to adore,
to love like only a man can,

It's all I have, all I can give,
all my humble heart can afford to do,
breed or blood don't make a King,
only deeds and a character true,
If you deem me fit ma lady,
I'd gladly prove it to you,

the princess heard his charismatic plea,
and his honesty had her won,
she chose the jester above them all,
the nobles were left sucking their thumbs,
their riches and creed had fallen flat, his veracity had trumped their cards,
for he proved to win a woman's hand,
you need to first win her heart!

A note for a rainy day..

2010-11-22T20:44:00.000+05:30

...It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye..

I tried remembering the events of that night...I knew what you wanted me to say...I knew how you were feeling and exactly what you needed. I wanted to blurt it out...scream it out and let you know exactly how I felt...to share every ounce of unsaid and unexpressed emotion that was trapped inside me...brimming...bouncing with volatility...just waiting to be unleashed. I wanted to say it...so bad...to keep it inside me was excruciating...like the blood in my veins was pumping with the rushing intensity of a rapid...to the point that I felt it might actually gush out of me...but I needed to hold on...I needed to enjoy the moment...to savor it...to bask in its strength...to indulge in the moment.

I had wanted to hear the same words from you so many times before...so many moments squandered and so many portraits left unfinished...can't remember how many times I was left with nothing but the unsettled dust of defeat...and now when you wanted to hear the same words...why didn't I relent...why didn't I put an end to your torture...I don't know!! I felt strong...powerful...in control and I loved it. I knew I should not allow myself to be enticed by the corrupting charm of power...but it was a futile battle...no matter how fanatically I was screaming the words...inside me...I wouldn't let them go...these words...reverberating and bouncing around like marbles in a crystal box...inflicting damage but not fatal...unable to break free.

I wouldn't let myself say it...maybe I wanted you to feel what I felt...in every moment of disappointment and defeat...how the soul twisted and cringed under the pressure...sadistic of me I know...I shouldn't have...I would pay a price for this...a heavy price...was I stupid enough to gamble with something so precious?

In all this chaos...I looked at your eager, craving eyes...and I looked away...I couldn't...I felt so vain and petty...almost disgusted...but I wouldn't say it...not now...one day I would but not today...and maybe then the tables would be turned on me...and I would experience exactly what you were going through at this moment...the anxiety...the fear...the hope...the wishful thinking...but I knew I could take it...I had done it so many times before...it was a habit now...bring the pain I said to myself...bring it!!

The night had passed and all I was left with was the palpable aroma of your breath wrapped around me and a memory of how bigoted and self obsessed I was. A very sad caricature and a depressing tapestry.

I stood across from you now and as I had predicted..the tables had turned...but I was prepared and I was conditioned...there was no fear...there was no remorse...I knew what was going to happen...it's funny how we play this out so many times and by now even you know how this is going to end...but we come back every time...hungry and craving for more...two insatiated beings...at these cross roads...leaving an even more indelible infliction on each other every time...and then walking away...I don't really know how long this drama will continue but I will keep playing my role as long as you keep playing yours...let us be damned to do this forever...maybe that is the curse for what we have done to each other...two tattered forsaken souls...whose only means of survival...only means to feel alive...is to come crawling back to this place again and again...till either one runs out of hope or the stamina to continue...

I looked up...into your eyes...fidgeted with a piece of paper in my coat pocket...I had written the words you wanted to hear that night...it was carefully folded...I asked you to hold out your hand and as you did, I placed the paper on your palm...

"Don't read what's written in it now," I said.

"Why?" you inquired.

"Keep it for a rainy day, when you're not at your strongest, when you begin to lose the will to keep going, when your spirit gets tired of fighting, when giving up seems to be the only choice, when every part of you aches and cries out with the anguish of enduring life and all it has thrown in your path, read it then, read it out loud, maybe you will understand...and if you do...come find me," I said.

As the words trailed away with the passing breeze, I smiled at you.

Then turned around and walked away...there was nothing left to say...

Same Mistake

2010-11-03T20:25:00.000+05:30

Saw the world turning in my sheets,
and once again I cannot sleep,
walk out the door and up the street,
look at the stars beneath my feet,
Remember rights that I made wrong,
and here I go...

I jolted up from my bed...like I just had a bad dream...which I didn't and even if I did I don't remember it...but my heart was beating incessantly and furiously...for a few seconds i felt incapacitated...my surroundings seemed alien to me...my eyes seemed like they were zooming in and out like the fluctuating focus of a camera...like there was a macabre of light and sounds playing in front of my eyes...it took me a moment for everything to come into perspective...I looked around glad to find myself on my bed...reclined back on the palms of my hands...looked up at the roof and started to catch my breath...my breathing and heartbeat slowly returned to normal and I wondered what had caused this semi-terminal experience...I sat back up and only then noticed I was sweating profusely...I wiped some of the sweat of my face and forehead...I felt a cold wave transmit itself through my spine...and I shivered...I needed a shower and then a smoke...that would put me right...

I took my time in the shower...letting the warmth of the water permeate into my skin...I love hot showers...it always feels like the water is making sweet love to you...cold showers are completely the opposite...like being rudely woken up...no indulgence...the warm water is so pacifying...and that's exactly what I needed at the time...I let the water run for a good 20-25 minutes...till I felt I had enough and my midnight shock had subsided...I wiped myself and put on a pair of boxers...I walked back into my room...the room was dark save for the illumination from the incandescent street light outside my window...the light offered a warm contrast to the dark mistiness of the ambiance. I grabbed my cigarettes and slipped one out...walked to the window and pushed the curtains all the way back to allow more light into the room...opened the window half way and allowed the cool night breeze to caress in...I leaned my shoulder against the wall and lit the cigarette...watched the red ribbons that curled and fell away as the tobacco and paper melt in the air...my first few puffs were long and indulgent...the nicotine and it's intoxicating pacification...I felt better...so I lit another...felt calmer and my mind wandered off to abstract thoughts...I closed my eyes and let the tranquility of the moment sink in...

A loud thud rudely brought me back to reality...apparently the breeze outside had turned adventurous...in a violent burst...it had blown idle papers off my desk and swept my pen and paintbrushes to the floor...toppled a few books and a solitary picture-frame from my bedside...taking the meek side lamp down too...the sound was probably not as loud as I perceived...it was probably the relative calmness of the night that magnified the indiscretion of the wind...I closed the window and put a t-shirt on...the room had become slightly chilly...I picked up the papers and put the instruments back in their original position on my desk...I proceeded to my bedside and picked up the books and the photo-frame...and then the lamp...luckily the carpeted floor that muffled the fall and caused no permanent damage to the lamp or the frame...I was kinda afraid one or both would have broken...I was glad to be proven wrong...as I placed the frame back on the side table...I looked at the photo...I wondered why I still had the picture?...its protagonist was a distant memory...it was a slightly grainy picture of an 18 year old girl in a deep maroon saree...the smile and the innocence on her face were timeless...the way her scarlet bangs fell softly on her face kissing her cheeks...her beautiful eyes looking back at me...asking questions...seeking answers...they reached out...stood out...every time I looked at the picture it brought a flood of memories back like they were all chained to it and responded to its call...it had been a different and difficult time then...and it had changed my life...like nothing before it and nothing after...I placed the frame back on the side table beside the books and the lamp...and fell back onto my bed...I should not have let those memories crawl back from their damnation...I decided to push them aside and try to get some sleep...thinking about them was not going to yield anything productive...the conclusion was always the same no matter how I tried to play the events in my head...at the end I was alone...and that's not the ending I wanted...not then..not now...not ever...I would never let it happen to me again...I whispered under my breath...again and again...!

Sleeping was futile...I think it was because I was trying too hard...I needed to relax...not let this momentary emotional distress ruffle my feathers...I took a few deep breaths...no good!

Aldous Huxley very famously said, "Every man's memory is his private literature." Well a truer word could not have been spoken. No matter how hard I tried, I knew I would not be able to rest unless I untangled the knot that these memories had innocuously created. When you don't want to think about something, your mind is invariably pulled to it like a hungry dog to a butcher shop. I let my mind maneuver it's way to the moments it wanted to confront. I found myself sitting in front of her...looking at her...mesmerized...watching her lips being manipulated by the thoughts in her mind...there was white silence for I didn't need to hear what she was saying and I already knew what inevitability was about to play out in front of me...my mind went further back...probably to the moments that led to this one...could I have done anything different...would it have made a difference then...the thing is you can never know...destiny plays out the way it's meant to...and that's that I guess!

What about the future then...it's still an uncertainty...but a variable I have some control over...what if this moment played in front of me again...she sitting in front of me...ready to leave...what would I say...what would it mean...a train of thoughts ran through me...

Did you ever love someone so much...that nothing else and no one else mattered...like when you can't breathe sometimes because you are so overwhelmed by how crazy and out of control you feel...you memorize everything about them...their face and its contortions...every plane and edge of their body...their voice...their smell...their touch...the way they walk...the way they talk...when you own them and they own you...When you love them not because they love you back but because you really can't help feeling any other way...it's not a trick and it's not a switch you can turn on or off as you please...you love because you want to and it gives you an indescribable amount of happiness...the happiness that people spend their entire life in pursuit of...but because this love is so insane...an oddity of sorts...its also poison...when things are good you feel like it's paradise and when they're not it feels more morbid and painful than your worst nightmare...and you get sick of looking at them...when you loose composure and get in each others face...spew words filled with venomous lament and regret...when you hurt them even though you promised them you never would...hit each other...hurl abuses...cringe...scratch and bite them...when they drive you to a self consuming rage that takes over...you look them in the eye and want to choke them...even kill them...and you go your separate ways to avoid more damage and torture...but then the day ends and a new one begins and yesterday is history and today is an opportunity...to make up and beg forgiveness...nurse the wounds that you caused them...cry and kiss and embrace and fall asleep in each other...and you realize that when it comes to love you are blind and so are they...you tell them its your fault and that you couldn't live a willing second without them...that next time you will never hurt them...but there should never be a next time...they should never leave...never...because if they do you would burn the world you built with them to the ground...and then sadistically watch everything burn...watch them burn...let the pain torture you till you are nothing more than ash and dust...

I ran my fingers through my hair...left a soft dewy effect on my finger tips...the thoughts were too strong...too powerful to swallow...they were madness...moments of utter derangement...they hit me like slabs of ice...I glanced back at the photograph and her smile will still as endearing as it had always been...was there an incomplete story? would it ever be complete or lie suspended in the continuum of time and space and forgotten forever? I don't know but I hope...that one way or the other I would find the way...to the truth....to love...again!

Probably I agree with Edward de Bono when he said , "A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen." Maybe it means there is something left to happen...some roles that have been left unplayed and some moves left unmade...the question arises then...even if nothing happens...ever!! would I go through it all over again? even though I know what happens in the end!

I gathered my thoughts...walked back to the window...and lit another cigarette...smiled...I knew the answer...I guess I always knew...because whatever happened, everything I endured made me what I am today and I am proud of that...and indebted to life for it...I would do it all once more...even if it was a mistake...I would gladly make the same mistake again!

Love and Time

2010-09-15T22:00:00.000+05:30

The sparrows chirp in their nest,
the wind whistles by,
my thoughts go back to the last time,
I had you by my side,

oh! you looked so lovely,
oh! you looked so fine,
I wanted to say so much,
I had so little time,

my fate it is so wicked,
its almost like a crime,
I meant to say I Love You,
it made me say Good Bye!

Now as I count the miles,
that stretch between you and me,
I know you're always in my heart,
it's where you'll always be,

I thought I'd never love again,
until you came on by,
I tried so hard not to let you in,
but I failed in every try,

I hope my search is at an end,
hope there is nothing left to find,
except the path to your heart,
and a ticket to the end of time!

The stigma of the first time!

2010-09-01T13:50:00.000+05:30

I sometimes judge our society on how it has romanticized the concept of “The First” in relationships. The first kiss, first love, first fight, first sight, first date, first hate…whatever…you get the picture! Not only is this obsession legitimized by the perennial stalwarts of everything romantic namely Archies and Hallmark but it’s turned into this marketing opportunity which every corporate worth its dime seems to be jumping into. Now I know people will be like, what’s wrong with that? Actually honestly…nothing! But I just have a diametrically opposite opinion about it nonetheless. Let me explain.

My problem is not that I disagree with people celebrating and marking their first anniversaries or dates etc. It's just that everything first is supposed to be this life altering, emotionally defining moment which you will savor and remember for the rest of your life and if god forbid something goes wrong, you will be scarred for life, unable to feel or ever experience the divinity in that moment, coz obviously it can never happen again! Or they would like you to believe. Ever felt the pressure of expectations weighing down on you when you’re about to get or give your first kiss…or experience something intimate for the first time. It’s like you are supposed to be this vivacious, enigmatic lover who knows all the right moves and all the right lines and sweeps your partner off their feet, violins start playing in the background, the moon and the stars descend from the heavens and you both are transported to this magical world to experience something that is truly cosmic and transcendental.

Was that how you thought it was going to be, or should be? I am sure if not entirely, the depiction was close. But how did you know this was supposed to happen, you didn’t dream it or imagine it all by the creative forces in your mind. You were made to believe this is how it should be or must be. Whether it’s from being fed on the philosophy and fictional junk of these candy floss romantic flicks or going teary eyed reading quixotic paperbacks aka Mills & Boons, Twilight and the likes. They set such high and idealistic precedents that somehow we are supposed to match them at some degree. At least that’s what every hormone infested adolescent feels and so do many young adults. Not meeting these standards seems to be nothing less than a crime, or leaves you feeling inefficient, depressed and questioning your ability and worthiness. Not the picture perfect ending we were gutting for now is it?

Now people will argue that I am completely discounting the importance of the first encounter. No I am not, what I am saying is, we have romanticized it far too much. It's supposed to be special, but we’ve turned it into this do or die kind of performance ability test which everyone needs to ace. Now I really hope that most of you had first encounters that you really treasure and fondly remember. However, if you did not, that’s OK. You can make it work the second time or third time, or whenever you feel you are ready. That doesn’t mean you’re a failure and your partner is going to drop you like a bag of wet sand. It’s not like you started walking the moment you were born. You learned to crawl, then to stand and then to walk. So you’ll get there, some people I concede have a natural ability…some people are good talkers, some people handle emotions well, some connect with people well, some solve math problems with ease, and some people have artistic ability and some people are good at relationships. But that is no manner conveys that you can’t learn. Human beings by nature are emotional creatures, emotions are at the core of who we are and how we behave and are influenced. So it’s not some major complex physics formula that you need to crack. If it doesn’t work for you the first time, it will eventually. No need to eat yourself up over it.

People really are fixated with getting it right the first time, coz apparently if it’s right the first time, then it’s perfect. C’mon now…nothing in this world that is perfect or perceived as such was accomplished on the first go. Hell…Edison tried a thousand times before he invented the electric bulb. Einstein spent his entire life working and researching to come up with E=mc². So give perseverance a high five people!

Let me tell you honestly, most people have very awkward first times. Firstly coz they’re nervous maybe even petrified, overtly self conscious and insecure. So if someone tells you, dude I nailed it at the first go…please! Tell that person to go suck an egg coz 9.5 out of 10 times they are just fibbing and even if they are telling the truth, they are definitely pulling it beyond obvious recognition. Don’t be hung up on this first time dogma that society tends to perpetuate. If it’s perfect the first time, that’s wonderful, congratulations to you! If not, not to worry, it’s just a learning curve, there will be many more times when you can make it special. The best part is, you will be better prepared and better conditioned. And when it does happen, it will be on your terms, and you can waive the magic wand and create your own wonderland.

Fool in Love

2010-08-05T18:24:00.000+05:30

A silent wish, a quiet prayer,
one heart in need, another seeks repair,
questions, doubts, wear n tear,
some answers, trust n giggles to spare,
a little persistence, a little care,
strangers to friends to an unlikely pair,
the distance at times so tough to bear,
when you long to whisper sweet nothings in her ear,
it could be crash n burn before you're half way there,
or wedding vows being taken in the warm summer air,
However it works out, do you really care?
justice is divine and life's eventually fair,
wear your heart on your sleeve, you have nothing to fear,
you're a fool in love and you'll never despair.

What Men Want?

2010-07-02T20:23:00.000+05:30

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I was reading a blog post recently written by a fellow blogger and friend Mehak aptly titled, “What Women Want”. You can check out the post @ sempiscribbles. Now after reading the post, she mentioned that she wished someone would tell her “What Men Want” and so for her benefit and all those females out there wondering about what drives the Alpha Male, how he thinks, how his mind functions and more importantly “What he wants” from his better half, I am writing this post.

Now before progressing let me put out a disclaimer that I am not an expert in psychiatry or relationships. These views, deductions, opinions and analysis is strictly my own, based on my experience as a man, relationships I have shared with my fellow comrades and whatever little I have been able to understand and construe about the fairer sex. Above all, this is not a comprehensive study or representative of all men. I can however safely state that man is a simple creature, so most of what I lay out should be applicable to most men. If your man does not display any of the needs I am about to discuss, celebrate his uniqueness and don’t look at me! Go figure him out for yourself! Now that the fine print has been established, without further ado I will progress towards dismantling the male psyche.

What do men really want?

1) Respect: The most important thing in a man’s life is what the people in his life think about him. Not any Tom, Dick or Harry walking on the street, but the people he loves, the people who are integral to his existence and the people he looks up to. The most important person in a man’s life is his partner, and no matter how attracted he may be to her, and no matter how good she may be otherwise, if she treats him like dirt in front of his buddies or family, out the door she will go. It’s an instant turn-off. Most men will definitely think of a long term relationship with a woman who respects them and boost their huge (sometimes overstated) ego. It’s one of his primal needs, to feel like he is in control; his opinions matter and his decisions are respected. Centuries of being the perennial breadwinner and patriarch can't be wiped away by 20 years of women liberation. Now I am not saying women need to blindly follow their man and confirm to all he does and says, but if you show a man you value him and whatever he brings to the table, be sure you will leave a lasting impression and should you choose to pursue him, you’ve already breached his first line of defense.

2) Loyalty: Now many women will say, the term "Loyal Men" should be universally accepted as an oxymoron. But little do they know, men are more loyal than they would like you to believe. For the record, loyalty has nothing to do with gender. I know as many women who are guilty of disloyalty as men. Men by instinct tend to fend off even the mention of any long term commitment in a relationship. But even he knows his bachelor days are numbered and he needs to establish his own identity in society. So, if your man is the initiator and starts talking about commitment and even marriage, he is already swimming against the tide. You can safely conclude that 9 out of 10 times, such a man will be loyal and therefore would naturally expect the same from his partner.

3) Sex: Now this may sound cliched, but men want consistent, frequent and passionate sex (OK maybe passionate doesn’t apply to all men, but the other two are bang on!). It’s a common and popular fact that men think of sex every seven seconds. Now that does sound a bit exaggerated to me, but men do think about sex a lot and intermittently throughout the day. I can't really explain why this is, all I can say is, it's just the way we've been wired. Men and women think of sex in completely different ways. A woman wants to be loved, and a man, well he wants his woman to be this lusty animal cum goddess in bed. If you don’t believe me, just look at the top 2 highest subscribed men magazines in the world – Playboy and Penthouse. Men do look at sex objectively, but that has a long and debatable social backlog which I might probably take up in another post. Now that does not mean that they are sex crazy animals who want to “Do it” at the drop of a hat. The ones who do are probably inclined towards sex more because other components of their life have left them wanting. Sex is an emotionally and physically profound experience, and men are easily corrupted by its charm. Anyways, coming back to my point, men need a healthy dose of sex on a regular basis, the periodicity and need of which declines with time and his physical state. A woman who can understand how a man perceives sex, and gives him what he wants in the bedroom, gets whatever she wants outside of it. It’s really very simple, a woman who makes the right moves in bed, gets a lot more from her man than one who is frigid and uses sex to manipulate him (FYI: yeah we see through it!).

4) Love: Like every other living being on this planet, man too wants LOVE. He wants it from his parents, his family and most importantly from his partner. Every boy during his teens thinks he will find his soul mate and be with her forever. I know that sounds romanticized, but it’s true. It’s only as he grows older and adapts to this harsh masculine world that his perspective changes. He learns not to trust his own feelings and not to express his emotions. Men are treated more harshly than you would think, they are taught by parents, peers and our success obsessed social system that they are in constant competition with their male counterparts. This can leave them frustrated, isolated, stressed out and alone. They deviate towards inconsequential relationships and even Porn to find solace, or just feel intimate and close. These also become easier ways for them to find validation. They are also influenced by constant reaffirmation that women are attracted to money and power. So men feel if they can achieve great heights in their career, their chances of acquiring the girl of their dreams will be a whole lot easier. They perceive love as a weakness and to an extent a commodity, something that can be acquired or bought. Now I don’t want to turn men into victims, but I think we need to seriously introspect how our society grooms and nurtures men to understand why they stray away from Love. Men in their hearts crave for love and you will notice that men will try and hang on to the woman they love and resist breaking off a relationship if they feel they have found their Miss Right.

5) Femininity: Lingering on the subject of women, Men want women to retain their femininity. That’s the entire allurement and charm of a woman. They want her to be gentle and kind, as these qualities reflect how good a mother she will be. That is an attraction in itself, coz somewhere inside that machismo exterior they are still little boys looking for TLC. Now I am not saying they need mothering but it's a side of a woman that appeals to men. Men will not tell you, but most of them like it when you do all your womanly deeds, take long showers, wear great perfume, take forever to get ready, in short do everything that signifies you as a lady. They’ll complain, but they will love you for it.

6) Support and Security: The world can be a mean place. Pressure from the boss, pressure from the family, from children, everybody expecting them to answer to their every call and need. It can get a bit overwhelming. Although men will not open up about it, it would hurt their ego too much, but just like women they need to feel safe too. They need to know that someone has their back and in case they ever fall, someone will be there to catch them. They need that emotional and psychological support to get through tough times. Many women criticize men for their behavior, career and will make it their duty to alter them and mold them, like they are some sort of nuclear waste land. This is a grave mistake. Men are easy to manipulate, but they see their partner as their most important support system. If they get the same nagging from their partner as they do from their boss, I think we all know who they are going to choose? Women who don’t give men that support and are too quick to criticize, are definitely not doing their chances any good.

7) Thrill/Excitement: Men like women who are adventurous, exciting and reasonably unpredictable. Most reasons people give when they end long terms relationships or marriages, is the excitement from their lives began to fade. This is also the primary reason for extra-marital affairs. Men are perpetually looking for excitement. Ever heard of the term, “The Thrill is in the Chase”, well I am sure a man would have coined that. Women tend to forget this fundamental rule, and in all fairness, so do men. Since it is still a patriarchal society, it is easier for men to look elsewhere which more often than not leads to regret and disastrous consequences. But they still do it again and again. So if the temptation was at home, we wouldn’t face this problem in the first place. Men love women who tease and challenge them. Keep your man enamored and he will never leave you.

8) Space: Now this is something that is a requisite for every healthy relationship. A man can’t spend every living moment with his woman. He needs time for other things, like sports, hobbies, hanging out with his buddies. If a woman becomes too possessive and restricts his freedom and choices, he will run out that door faster than she can wink. Give a man his space, I'm sure you want your man to miss you! How can he do that, if you are there all the time? Think about it!

9) Constructive dialog: Men don’t like arguments (especially ones that go on intermittently), and they don’t like women who argue. Women seem to have perfected the art of arguing, leading to men losing most arguments and feeling frustrated and trapped. Men like to talk, they like constructive dialog and they like it when a woman is open to their side of the story before jumping to conclusions and accusing them. But men and women have different mannerisms when it comes to communicating. Women listen intently and with affirmation, men on the other hand, like to listen to the entire conversation without interrupting. Women tend to believe that their man is not listening to them, but actually they are. That's probably where the trigger of an argument lies. Good communication is vital in any relationship, don’t set the wrong precedent by being argumentative and aggressive. Your man will never open up to you, and that most likely will doom your relationship before it even begins.

10) Happiness and a Home: Most importantly, Men want happiness and joy! They find it in anything and everything they do. They are after all little brats stuck in an over sized body. Don’t take that away from them, let that brat thrive with a little discretion and you should be good. Not only will he be a great partner, but a great friend and a great father. Man after all doesn't want to end up alone. He wants a home, he has this picture of his perfect life framed in his head and he will do whatever he can to make it come true. Be a part of that dream and he will give wings to your dreams as well. Men can be considerate, if you give them a chance, they are not all bad :)

That first time!

2010-06-11T20:27:00.000+05:30

[This is my entry for the blog adda contest - My first crush in partnership with Pringoo]

When we think of love, we more often than not go back to the first time we discovered we could blow the circuits in our mind sky high. That first stolen glance, the first time we heard our own heart beat echoing from our ears to the tips of our fingers, when all the heart desired was to listen to her voice, watch her talk and loose ourselves in her beauty and charm. No matter how many relationships you have or how many times you fall in love after that, it’s never the same, probably never as intense and never as innocent.

Like everyone else who has fallen in love, I did too! It was the most indescribable, most enchanting, most indelible experience of my life. I believe that everyone should fall in love at least once in their life. It brings out a side of you that you never thought existed, it makes you want to do silly things which under normal circumstances would be downright (especially for guys) embarrassing. At that moment, it doesn’t matter what the world thinks, or your friends or peers think. All you can see are her beautiful eyes and how you want to drown forever in the vast ocean of unfathomable emotions you feel for her. You become vulnerable, considerate, thoughtful and polite. You begin to worry about how you look, what you wear, you change ten t-shirts before you decide the first one you tried was right, you make sure not a hair on your head is out of sorts, you pay attention to hygiene and ensure that you smell at the least pleasant, if not divine. And considering how much trouble you go to, and how much work it sounds like, you are still happy, you’re always smiling, always humming a song, sleeping well and if not, lost in the fantasy world that you are weaving in your head. No matter how you were before or are going to be after, at that moment, you are the best person that you can possibly be. For that reason alone, I think falling in love is worth the trouble and even the heartbreak, that barring a fortunate few, inevitably follows.

So yours truly fell in love too, like any hormone pumped teenage kid, trying to make sense of himself and the world around him. That unforgettable moment when the cupid finally struck after 18 years of endlessly hoping, waiting, anticipating, giving up and hoping again is still so vivid, so real in my head, I can almost taste it. It was the first day of my second year in college. Like any senior I was looking forward to the new blood that was going to be infused into our college lives. I wasn’t hoping for too much, actually I wasn’t hoping for anything at all. That was probably the giving up phase, when you feel if something has to happen it will, and if it doesn’t, well…screw it! Now many people would argue that there is nothing like love at first sight. But hey…the first time I saw her, standing with her friends near the college canteen, I felt like I was possessed by a feeling so raw, so powerful, it had disabled my senses momentarily. I didn’t show the tension and conflict inside me, but I could barely raise my hand and say hi. I still remember the way she looked at me, the way she tilted her head slightly towards her right, and smiled. Maybe trying to figure me out, without the living knowledge that every part of me was involuntarily falling apart, piece by piece. It was like a dream I had never dreamed, it was the first time I felt unabandoned happiness and immeasurable pain, both at the same time, and it felt so absolutely wonderful and fulfilling, like I was overflowing with joy and I didn't know how to contain it. I know it sounds exaggerated...I mean cmon! who feels that way? But I did! that's how I honestly felt and I wanted to feel that way forever, for as long as I was alive and in that instant of helplessness, I knew this was the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Pretty dramatic stuff for a 19 year old, but hey...we've all been there, when you're that young and full of life and brimming with energy, you think you can conquer the world and there is nothing in this world that can stop you.

Now what happened after is a matter of history and I hate to disappoint you, but I didn’t end up spending the rest of my life as I know it, with her. However, I did make a lot of unforgettable memories, moments etched in my mind for eternity, went through a lot of ups and downs, learnt so many things about life, about myself. Nothing after has come remotely close. Maybe it's the novelty of the experience or the rawness of your heart or just some hormones going crazy, but it remains with you forever. That's why the first time is always just that.

So life plays a few jokes on you, heck all you can do is smile and play a few jokes back. At the end of the day, I console myself with the fact that the most memorable love stories in the world seldom have happy endings. I don’t know if my love story was memorable or worthy of mention, but I think it was, and I like to think that where ever she is, maybe she does too.

The important thing to remember if your first love didn't make it to the end of the bridge, is not to forget to move on and let go. Don't let it haunt you, coz it can. Don't let it be a curse, let it be an antidote. There is a reason why the first one didn't make it to your present, maybe they were meant for someone else and so were you. Go and find that someone, or let yourself be found, and give that person a chance, they might just surprise you! :)

Better Late than Never

2010-05-31T19:09:00.000+05:30

All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone to make us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere, somehow, someone perfect is searching for us.
-The Wonder Years

There are thoughts that force me to do some soul searching, especially when the preoccuptations of the day have passed, when I am by myself, flirting with my thoughts, juggling them like circus balls in my mind. I wont say I am haunted by them all the time, but I know they are there, at the back of my mind, floating around, poking into my self, probing, asking me questions, getting no answers and then mocking me for my impuissance.

I am not troubled by most of these thoughts or questions, whether they are regarding my career, my accomplishments, my bank balance or my crappy middle class tin box on wheels. These are rather ephemeral in nature and I usually cast them aside or give myself a pep talk on being optimistic and how the night is darkest before dawn and blah...blah...blah...you get the picture. But one thought screws with my head relentlessly, it makes my mind feel like a block of wood going through an industrial circular saw blade. Why is this you ask? Well it's this reoccuring thought of finding or should I say the possibility of finding that oh so illusive soul mate, if anything like that exists at all.

For most people, this question is either normally answered by an affair that stuck or a teenage romance that matured as it hit adulthood or an arranged union organized and in some cases thrust upon them by their all knowing-supervising parents, with all due respect of course. But for the few unlucky ones like me, who are still searching and getting old in the process, this becomes an endless wait for a person whose number of qualifiers become inversely proportional to the time we have to wait to find them. Because as you see, the longer your clock keeps ticking and the more you have to wait, the more you are willing to compromise and drop some of your (spawned out of fantasy, dreadfully reminiscent of romantic movies or songs and idealistic) stipulations.

But the real problem is when you end up like me, unwilling to compromise and forever ready to believe that just like I am searching for someone, that someone, somewhere is searching for me. Not ready to accept someone unless I feel they are the one for me. I know it sounds delusional and impractical and borderline childish and people who know me would probably not believe that I even endorse such a viewpoint, and I don't...atleast most of the time I don't. I'm Working, keeping busy, meeting friends, wrestling with whatever life throws at me. But there are moments...of self doubt, when you have a bad day, when everything you do goes wrong, when the world around you seems to be falling apart, when you can't tell anybody else in the world the conflicts inside you...that's when you wish that there was someone who you could turn to, someone who would listen, the comfort of looking into their eyes, knowing that you are safe and nothing else but you matters to them. Even when you have a bad hair day or look like something a herd of cows left behind, they will think you look your adorable best. It's when the realization of not having anyone to break your fall dawns, that you begin to comprehend how alone you actually are. The feeling doesn't last for too long, but it lingers. And that lingering for how ever long it decides to stay, leaves you feeling a little hollow and a little more incomplete everytime.

Now I am not saying that everybody needs that someone to feel complete or fulfilled, you never know they might make your life more complicated and frivolous. But just by virtue of being there for you, they make a difference. Anyone who says they don't, is just lying to themselves. Even the toughest among us need support, some times more than they will let us know. In any case, it makes the world a lot less scarier place to live in...period!

So will my endless wait for that person end? I dont know!...no one can answer that question...maybe it will..it might as well happen tomorrow...or maybe I will have to wait a lot longer. Of all the things in my life I have no control over, this is something that I am in charge of, or atleast I live in the illusion that I am. And I will wait for as long as it takes. How will I know when I meet the one?...well I guess I will just have to trust my instincts and as far as I know myself...when the right one comes along...I will just know! I might make a few mistakes here and there...but find her I will. And when I do or better still...she finds me...I will ask her one pertinent question...

What the hell took you so long?!!

and I think I know what she will say..."I got here as fast I could!"

Yesterday

2010-05-06T19:58:00.000+05:30

The bus I missed on my way back home,
Last night's dinner and it's taste outworn,
The bell ringing on her telephone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

Old letters and pictures and tempers blown,
A crescent moon and a hint of cologne,
Some words I forget but remember their tone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

The sweat on my forehead and her beguiling moans,
Sheets in disarray, a mesh of wine on the floor,
Her repulsive after taste and the perfume she wore,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

Raindrops dancing against the casement bow,
a reason to betray, an unrepentent baritone,
Her unsought warmth and my frosty brow,
Reminds me of yesterday once more,

a kiss goodbye at quarter past four,
my need for her deminishing even more,
her forsaken guise, like it was etched in stone,
Reminds me of yesterday once more.

My admission to the guilt like it was some sort of joke,
a spring in my step, my heart gone rogue,
the smirk on my face as I walked back home,
Reminds of yesterday once more.

Life will keep rolling on

2010-04-28T17:48:00.000+05:30

Trees will age and their leaves will dwindle,
Seasons will scamper on,
a quarter of the world will lie arid, the other will negotiate a storm,
you and I will passively watch, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

Hearts will be broken and lovers forgotten,
Romeos will still be born,
Integrity and honor will be spoken, by ideological whores blowing their horns,
You and I will abandon our voices, and,
Life will keep rolling on

Innocents will be hung, and the guilty exalted,
welfare groups will still be formed,
sermons will be fed to the starving, Priests will proclaim the Lord,
You and I will sing our hymns, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

Millions will be butchered for money, religion and power,
Babies will still be borne,
The nourished will be guilty of gluttony, the hungry will learn to starve,
You and I will simply sigh, and,
Life will keep rolling on,

The seeds will sprout again, the flowers will return,
Our hearts will forgive once more,
People will forget today like it was yesterday, and tomorrow will give them hope,
You and I will exonrate our misdeeds, and,
Life will keep rolling on