The Insider

Eyes

2009-01-19T22:40:00.000-08:00

I tried to live my life
Like you never existed
But you always
Showed up on my doorstep
And reflected
Yourself in my mirror.
I looked into my eyes
And saw
You staring back.
Each dark brown streak
That etched itself
Into my irises
Whispered
Of hands that had touched me
Before the doctor
Dragged me from my
Mother’s safe womb
On that
Fateful day.
Every curl that bounces
Rebelliously out of place
Hints
At a forethought.
You follow me down
The hallways
And
I can feel and taste
Your presence
But when I turn around
You’re not there.
I wake up and
I know you’re watching me,
I can feel
Your eyes on me,
But you’re never there.
How can I deny my existence
When you keep
Assuring me that
I am so alive?
You cause rain to
Burst forth from my eyes
And my heart races
At your touch.
How can I deny you?
You push me beyond boundaries
I’ve never seen before
Just by whispering,
“Michaela…I love you.”
How can I deny you?
Spilling forth words
That have never materialized
Before,
That no human as expressed
In such a way as this one,
You dare me to try,
To bend,
To taste,
To push,
To break,
To love.
You take off
Layers of blindfolds that
The sightless have wrapped
Around my
Naïve eyes,
Revealing
Parts of me that
Would be more comfortable
Hidden in my closet
And depths of me
That I never knew
Lay so kindly.
You break through culture,
Through norms,
Through clichés,
Through “political correctness”,
Through ignorance,
Through politeness,
Through piety
And through false hope
To bring about a love that
Shatters every evil and fallacy.
You teach my sad lips how to smile,
Claiming me as your own,
Selling everything to buy the field
Where the treasure is buried.
How can I refuse you?
How can I pretend you have never been?
How can I deny my existence?
How can I deny you?

The Hourglass

2008-12-22T23:09:00.001-08:00

I’m just a fool.
Stupid.
I smile thinking about you,
Thinking about the heart ache,
The pain,
The snow that gently falls
But delivers a brutal frostbite.
My heart hurts!
My insides are squirming.
My stomach is forming knots.
Tears lurk behind my eyes.
Screams crawl up my throat.
Vomit pools.
Sadness settles.
Silence lingers.
Madness curdles.
Angst reaches.
Laughter teaches.
Your eyes burn holes in my skull.
Your name is an ice pick cracking my ribs.
Dissatisfaction paves the road.
Desire’s an acid that burns away my sanity.
Words unsaid haunt me.
My vision blurs the line between right and wrong.
A quick email,
Just one,
I swear my fingers will fly.
Just three words;
Soft, gentle, sudden, impoverished words.
Just three.
It takes all the strength inside of me
To hold back from making a dire mistake,
A desired mistake.
I want to be ignorant.
I want you to conscious.
Wake up!
I want there to be answers.
I want to know the paths of all alternatives.
I want my desires to prevail.
I want to win.
But it’s selfish to desire my desires.
“Love is not self-seeking”.
So I will let you dream.
Then we both can win.

Walking on Heartstrings

2008-12-15T22:11:00.000-08:00

You took my heart and
Pulled at every fiber and every string.
I watched as I came undone again.
As broken as they come,
I let the chips fall as they may.
You reached in
And touched moments,
Times and places
That I let lie dead.
I was perfectly okay with “dead”.
Dead never moved.
Dead never haunted.
Dead never cursed
Or daunted me.
Dead never rose up from the mire
And transformed
Before my eyes.
Dead neither propelled
Or hung back.
Dead was dead.
Dead was rest.
But nonetheless,
You found it suitable
To rip me open again
And again.
Let the tears fall.
Let the pain come like a tsunami:
Sudden, quick, alarming, frightening, inescapable.
But in the ache
I found restoration.
And in the quake
I lost the pictures that
Hung on my heart’s wall.
They fell.
They shattered.
And in the midst
Of doubt and uncertainty,
In a time where
Fathers were few and far between,
You were walking on my heartstrings.

Burning tears. Fierce tears.

2008-11-04T23:19:00.001-08:00

Wow. I haven't posted a poem in ions! I'm sorry. I just haven't written anything. Please forgive me. Here's my newest one:

I’m finding empty glasses,
Scattered around my room
And shattered in pieces.

Where does your
Heart go after it dies?

I keep shivering
In a blazing fire.
I keep weeping
In the pouring rain.
I look in my rear-view mirror,
Hoping to see
A friendly face.
I glance at the passenger seat.
I’m alone again.

I wish I could turn around
And find you there.

I sit
In my car,
Pouring my heart out
And crying hot tears,
Fierce tears,
Fiery tears,
Painful tears,
Tears that pooled
At the bottom,
The depth of my soul.
But the tears keep falling
And I keep hearing…

Silence.

Silence.

Silence.

If there’s an answer,
Give it.
If there’s a rebuke,
Say it.
If there’s love,
Pour it out on me.
If there’s disappointment,
Look away.
If there’s peace,
Hug me.
If there’s anger,
Let it run loose.

Don’t leave me in silence.
Don’t leave me to my imagination.

Don’t leave me.

From the Heart of the Fire

2008-09-30T20:10:00.001-07:00

Inspired by Deuteronomy 9:10 (NLT).

I was there,
Forty days and forty nights,
Forty hearts and forty fights.
You held my hand
And I took out a knife
To cut up the cloud
That covered my life.
But life was just that sand
That slipped
Through my fingers.
Those nights,
Those crazy nights,
I dared you to linger,
To whisper,
To seduce me a little longer,
To burn,
To hunger,
But you just sauntered
In and out, through and between
All my dreams and things unseen.
Those forty days,
Those forty nights…
Some would say
I was a liar
For saying you spoke to me.
You spoke to me
Through fire and rain and tears
And pain and fears.
Your voice was clear as day.
You shook me.
You broke me.
You touched me.
You recreated me.
You never changed.
You sung to me.
You hummed to me.
And just like the loudest
Of angelic choirs,
You spoke to me
From the heart of the fire.

Do Not Go Gentle by Dylan Thomas

2008-09-29T16:18:00.001-07:00

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

My heart leaps up when I behold by William Wordsworth

2008-09-24T23:24:00.000-07:00

My heart leaps up when I behold
A rainbow in the sky:
So was it when my life began;
So be it when I shall grow old,
Or let me die!
The Child is father of the Man;
And I could wish my days to be
Bound each to each by natural piety.

Nails and a Cock Fight

2008-09-19T18:42:00.001-07:00

I’m sitting on a broken chair,
With wet hair
And cold hands.
I’ve found my eyes dry.
My cheeks were flooded
With tears
The day before.
The telephone
Always rings,
But you are never on
The other side.
My thoughts
Lead to you
But you never come
Back to me.
I can’t hold up
Another tear.
My back can’t carry
Another load.
So I’ll put
Down every bottle
That I filled with
The pieces
Of my heart.
I’ll fill my old desk drawers
With memories
Of you and me,
Just to collect dust.
I’ll put on mitts for
My iced hands
And nail
My words to your wall.
I’ll let
The weight fall.
I’ll nail
My heart to your wall.
I’ll let
My expectations fall.
I’ll nail
My tears to your wall.
I’ll let
The bodies fall.

Tonight

2008-09-17T21:31:00.000-07:00

We’re falling asleep
Tonight
And I only
Spent moments
Capturing
And treasuring up
All of us,
Together.

We’re falling asleep,
But
I want to
Stay wide
Awake,
Breathing forever, you
And all of me
Tonight.

I’m afraid to
Shut
My eyes tight
Because if
I
Blink you might
Be gone without a
Trace.

I’m crying silent
Tears
Because we are
Falling asleep
And
No one seems
To care. I’m falling
Asleep.

We’re falling asleep
Tonight.
I’m crying myself
To sleep
Tonight,
Dreaming as you
Sleep tonight. We’re falling
Tonight.

In and Out

2008-09-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

There’s a sudden shift
From the silence
You hear
And the air
You breathe,
In and out.
I tried to suck
Back moments
That crept
Into my heart
And latched
Onto my soul.
I tried,
Though I new better,
To inhale,
In and out.
I blinked
Back tears that
I had suppressed for far
Too long.
And my fingers
Went
Numb as I clenched
My fist
So tight.
And my chest moved,
In and out.
Am I still alive?
I heard you whisper
Of something,
Maybe,
Something
Spectacular
Or momentary.
I heard you breathe,
In and out,
In and out.

Just Breathing

2008-09-10T19:47:00.000-07:00

Stimulated by "Keep Breathing" by Ingrid Michaelson

I can’t understand
How life,
Love,
Can change
So erratically.
In one moment
Living can be
A symphony
Of harmonies
And melodies
That collides
With a grace that
Beautifuls you,
Captivates,
Irrigates
And
Penetrates
Places you never
Knew existed.
Then suddenly
The music ends with a crash
And you are left
There winded after
Your dance
In the rain.
You are left
With soaked hair,
Wet clothes,
Wet socks,
Just breathing.
The sun doesn’t come.
No rainbow
Crosses over.
Nothing.
Just a taste
Of the gorgeous music
That lies
Secretly,
Silently,
In your bones.
Just you.
Just breathing.

your hands, my heart

2008-09-09T20:58:00.000-07:00

I looked at you from across the way
As we waded
Into a conversation that
Led to dangerous
Territory, but we both knew it.
There was a temptation
To stare
Into your tree-green eyes
But I felt anxious
As our smiles curved.
Your sweet words
Untied my heart strings
And I had
To keep my hands
In my lap
Or fiddle with my
Earrings
Because I wanted
To reach out so bad
And touch your
Hand.
A tear formed
In the corner
Of my brown eyes.
You were so
Unreachable, unattainable, unavailable.
You nonchalantly
Had your hot coffee in
Strong hands
That I had held once.

(I remember pretending
To be holy
During a prayer
Where everyone held hands.
You had mine
And I couldn’t
Focus on Jesus.)

I sighed
And left you
By the wayside.
I left you.

Amy

2008-09-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

She walked down the dark, lonely streets
Searching for one hope.
She never looked back.
The burning buildings around
Her would not
Chain her down.
Too long had she lived
In sorrow,
Locked in a room
With no windows.
Finally she broke free.
She ran
Out of her blazing “shelter”
And broke away
From the arms
That tried
To duck-tape her to
Rusting metal chairs
That scratched her skin.
She was itching
For life,
For truth.
Walking down the abandoned
Roads that led her
To a destiny
She never knew,
The cold, crisp air
Bit her cheeks.
Her shoes
Slid against the concrete
And she left
The duck-tape behind.
Amy left
Her prison behind.

O Poetry!

2008-09-07T15:20:00.000-07:00

Check out this poem and photo on 365 to 42 (a blog by Brett Trafford): http://365to42.blogspot.com/2008/09/blencathra.html

A Seal

2008-09-05T13:29:00.001-07:00

Inspired by Songs of Solomon 8:6: “Place me like a seal upon your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealously unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire, like a mighty flame.”

I was searching
For my beloved
And I found him
In a distant vineyard.
I saw him from
Far off
And his back was facing me.
I walked closer
And he turned around,
His eyes on mine,
And I could almost
Feel his heart pulsing
In his chest.
He came so close
That I could
Feel his breath on my cheeks
And smell
His sweet, cinnamon scent.
He whispered,
“My love,
You have stolen my heart
From the moment
Your eyes danced
On my face,
The moment
You called out to me
From the darkness,
The moment
You felt my life in you.
You have stolen my heart.”
My heart
Grew hot within me
As I burned
From my stomach
For him.
He spoke again,
“You are the one
My heart loves.”
He took my hands in his
And walked me
Through the vineyard.
He said,
“This is my vineyard.
I give this to you.”
The vines brushed against
My face as tears
Ran down my cheeks.
He reached out
And wiped
Every tear away,
Then he took off his shirt.
My heart raced
But he only smiled.
“Love,” he said,
“Look.”
He showed me his arm.
There, my name
Was on a seal,
Burned onto his skin.
“A blazing fire,
A mighty flame
Burned this seal
On my arm,”
He said as sparkling tears
Filled his eyes.
“My hands,”
He whispered, his words
So soft and sweet.
He opened his hands
In front of me
And my name
Was engraved in his palms.
He pointed to his chest
And my name
Was written over his heart.
It was if
Someone took a knife
And carved my name deeply
Into his chest.
He took my hand
And placed it over
The letters stamped
On his skin.
My fingers ran over each letter,
Each precious letter
Engraved deeply
Over his heart:
MICHAELA – the one my heart loves.

A Soldier Disarmed

2008-09-02T00:09:00.000-07:00

Inspired by the quote, "Christ, in disarming Peter, disarmed every soldier." - Tertullian (emphasis added).

I would pick up my cross
And shove it in your face,
But since when was the cross
A testament to anything but grace?

I can say, shout it out loud,
That I’m doing the will of my Father,
That our swords and our bombs
Bring peace and harmony together.

But I worship a God,
Who in the face of whips and thorns,
Laid his life down for terrorists
That left him broken and scorned.

I’m not in an army
That chases after blood and redeeming violence,
Nor am I a soldier
For a president who sits in silence.

I was recruited with a blood
That runs thicker than hatred.
I was trained, not to kill,
But to protect what is sacred.

And what is most precious
To my one and only leader?
The poor, the sick, the outcast,

The orphan and the sinner.

I don’t pledge allegiance
To an obscure flag or nation,
But to a poor carpenter, a Nazarene,
Who died for my salvation.

When Uncle Sam says, “We want you!
Kill all the enemies we want rid of!”
I say, “No. I’m sorry Sam,
But I serve only love, love, love.”

I was taught, by the cross,
There is no friend that is greater
Than the one who gives his life
To even the most heathen of traitors.

So if you think that I, a soldier of “I Am”,
Has come to do you harm,
I will tell you, the day Jesus died
Was the day I was disarmed.

5am

2008-08-31T16:38:00.001-07:00

Hey, a relatively happy poem! This one's for you Dan!

Staring
At the frigid frost
On my Friday window,
I silently lay my head sleepily
Against
The couch cushion.
As liquid orange and pink restfully rises
And spills and splashes
Over the peak
Of the
Unknowing crisp green trees,
The clouds
Part for the blazing boastful
Sun.
My lazy lashes flutter
As tiny wakingly warm
Beams kiss
My chilled cheeks.
A
Bird beautifully hums
Tender, but squeaky, notes that
Remind me
I am not necessarily the only one
Alive
At 5 am.
The frosty window
Begins to kneel to the
The ever so slight but heavenly heat.
So the once iced water
Trickles like tears on a sad, dreary day
Across the pane,
As if it were washing me
Carefully clean.
As quickly
As it supposedly started,
My head,
Heavy with the
Dangerous dew of fatigue,
Gently glides,
As if I were an eager eagle,
And hits
The
Warm, welcoming and waiting
Head rest.
“Ah rest,”
The bashful bird
Blatantly whispers in
A love song
To
My easy-listening ear.
As my
Eyes unfocus to a waiting world
And my lids
Lightly and freely fall,
My heart
Safely
Slows to a sleepy pace
And the ticking time
Tenses and
Eases into a distant dream.
The bird
Flutters
Its frilly feathers
And takes
To flight,
Fretfully trying to
Find a yummy insect
To munch
On.
My sight
Fades from
Black to
Black,
And sleep sweeps
Over me
Swiftly
Like a bird
Chasing
A naïve worm
Peaking
Over its so-called safe
Home.

Life's a Rock Fight

2008-08-29T13:49:00.001-07:00

We try and pick ourselves up,
With pronouns and adjectives
That are senseless.
We are senseless.
We are a vicious fire
That eats away at anything pure,
Anything thoughtful,
Anything sincere.
We are a lusting fire;
A raging fire;
A burning fire;
A destroying fire.
We are a rock fight;
A fight that no one wins.
We all leave with bruises
And scars
That hurt all day and are visible
The rest of our lives.
Sometimes they fade,
But we know they are there,
Where they hit us,
Where they left us jaded and cold.
We are cold.
And the more we cover ourselves
With blankets of deceit,
The further we die inside.
Are we emperors?
Are we conquerors?
What are we conquering?
Mankind? Those who oppose us?
We kill for our fathers who have died before us.
We kill their fathers.
They kill our fathers,
And so on.
We are dead inside.
We are hollow shells
Posing as people of life,
People who love life
And promote it.
We are a rock fight.
Life is a rock fight.

Burning Bridges

2008-08-22T22:52:00.001-07:00

Check out my new poem "Burning Bridges" on my other blog, Floodwaters Photography.

Here's the link ('cause I don't feel like reposting it): http://floodwatersphotography.blogspot.com/2008/08/burning-bridges.html

Apart from You

2008-08-21T21:29:00.001-07:00

I wish you were with me…

I sat alone,
Dreaming on a scratchy blanket,
Staring up to the sky
And thinking
Of a life apart from you…

Apart from you…

Something rings true
About how it’s better to
Have loved
And lost…

It’s a deafening sound
When you hear
Your heart crack
Into a zillion pieces
Like a
Smashed mirror in a
Rage
You never saw coming…

My reflection
Fell to the ground that day…

Numb

2008-08-17T13:00:00.001-07:00

I don’t feel anything.
There are no words.
There are no thoughts.
Just a blanket of darkness
Covering my heart,
Protecting it from any
Fear
Ache
Loss
Love
Hope
Joy…
Brokenness.

this

2008-08-11T22:44:00.001-07:00

I never
Thought
That I would resent you.
When I’m
With you I feel
So good.
But when I’m away
My heart sinks.
I feel
Void.
I feel
Incomplete.
I feel
Lost.
Dead.
Apathetic.
Stupid.
Silly.
I’ve spent my time
Pretending
That I was ok,
We were fine,
That I was comfortable
Being just your friend.
My love is thick
But you
Are wearing me thin.
This wear and tear,
This “pick yourself up when you fall”,
This “it’s ok if you stumble”,
This big fat lie,
These choices,
This emptiness,
This madness,
Your face,
My life,
Your arms that stay far away from my shoulders…

Sometimes I think
That it would be easier
To let myself drown.

thousands

2008-08-10T22:52:00.000-07:00

If I could speak
A thousand words
And find,
Despite myself, despite
Everything that I lack, and everything
I can’t find in me,
I’d probably
Run with open arms.
I can’t help
But getting caught up in myself,
In my thoughts,
And running
With fear.
I can’t help but hating
Myself because I
Can’t control
All that I am and not.

Innocence

2008-08-08T19:11:00.001-07:00

You kissed me
But you didn’t need proof
That I was
As innocent as you had expected.
My cheeks turned rosy
And a
Tear
Formed in the corner of my eye.
I pressed
My hands against your chest
To push you away
But you held my hands there
And I could
Feel,
Even hear,
Your heart beat
Like the drums in my own breast.
And all I could think of was
That I wasn’t looking for a fight.
You never asked me
If this is what I wanted.
You never cared to inquire
How I might feel
And now,
My head was filled with questions.
Each finger
You laced in mine
Made
My
Pulse
Drop
Like
Sticky
Snow.
But I didn’t
Want to stick with you.
Love was supposed to move you.
Love never filled you with fear.
Love never makes you blind.
I looked in your eyes
And I saw such an ache
Not my own reflection.
So I unwound my fingers from yours
And turned
My back to you,
Trying not to look through my glassy tears
At your face.
You called
After me
And my heart wept.
My hands
Felt like there was a giant weight attached to each finger
Without you holding them.
You called again and I turned around.
You were
On your knees,
Your shoulders shaking,
And salty tears stinging your face.
My lips quivered
And I felt
Gravity
Pull me down
And I fell
Against the wall and slid the floor.
I pressed
My knees against my chest
And buried
My face
In them.
And that was it;
Such quiet,
Such stillness,
Such a great distance in a matter of moments.
We sat there for hours
Crying, and trying to reason our way
Out of this hole we dug
For ourselves.
We never said a word to each other
But we
Just stared
And let the
Weight
Of
Silence
Fall.
I remember closing my eyes
And wishing
For my lips to be
Innocent again.

2008-08-08T19:08:00.000-07:00

the aftertaste of wine is bitter