What's really going on???

2012-10-19T12:19:00.003-04:00

Things are going well - other than the fact that I am quarentined... I'm infected. Damn. Antibiotics, steroids, and the common Kentucky crud accessories...

I'm going to be a "Nielson Family" - they bribed me for a whole 5 dollars cash... I'm easy....LMAO!!!

Going to get some more rest. Have a blessed day. :-)

2012-10-15T02:30:00.001-04:00

Well, my laptop decided to take a shit today, however, I am fairly confident that I have corrected the machine's malfunction.

Anyways - It's almost 02:30 in the morning, and I find myself not tired in the least. I think that a slice of homemade cheesecake is in order.

Sorry to Cyndi because Saturday night got all FUBAR. Won't get into it here, but it was just horrible timing... I am so sorry, my friend. Perhaps a trip to see Mason down in Florida is in order, with a layover in Fayetteville, NC... More to come on this...

Marshmallow and HOO-B (Hooker Bitch) are settled into the townhouse. They are being good kitty cats for the most part... :-) Love my kittehs.

Glad that everything down in central Florida is okay. That takes a lot of stress off of me. Waiting for Oogi's school pictures to be sent to A.

I am still recovering from my 01 OCT move from NKY... Right ankle been swollen pretty good, and my knees and lower back are still in quite a bit of pain. NO PAINKILLERS! So proud of myself. Other than when the ENT clinic physician prescribed them a year ago tomorrow for my Open Septorhinoplasty... Other than those pills, I have been OPIATE pill-free for 2 years come 04 DEC. Yea me!!!!

So now that a lot of things have been completed, I can finally relax...

Will make an effort to keep this damn thing up to date.

Everyone have a great and blessed day.

2012-09-05T01:49:00.000-04:00

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Big changes. I'm not sure what I want to write about all of this, yet, I feel that it is time to get a few things out of my head.

1 - I am not crazy.
2 - My sanity is on scales, and it's difficult to keep em balanced.
3 - I will be roaming down to the ville soon to hang out and wait on Social Security... Beats sitting in Covington.
4 - I am in the process of my recovery that I refuse to be held back from my addiction any longer!!! I am going to go out, enjoy life, and I really DGAF what people think about me or what I am doing. I may be old and crippled, but I am still an AWESOME guy!!!
5 - Not sure what is in store for the rest of my life, but, I am going to live my life on MY TERMS, and if that is not acceptable to certain people, see #4.
6 - Everyone needs to KCCO during this time. I am going to KCCO no matter how bad shit gets.
7 - I am OWNING my thoughts and feelings, and once again, I really DGAF what people think.

Everyone KCCO, and will update y'all as all this shit happens.

2012-07-21T23:30:00.001-04:00

Damn there is so much stuff going through my brain right now... A lot of decisions that I have to make... Think I'm gonna take a break from all these things for a while, and do some things that I want to do.

For example - I am gonna make Marshmallow his own website. I also want to go out and take some more photos and learn this damn software. I also want to learn how to brew beer. I think that I also want to start volunteering again... Not as a firefighter, but perhaps assisting individuals who are less fortunate than myself.

Ahh... Gordon Lightfoot... Great music...

Good night, all... Til next time...

2012-07-16T15:25:00.000-04:00

Was definitely an informative visit. A lot of talking, a lot of exchanging of thoughts. Been up for going on 36 hours no sleep, but it was kinda nice to know that I still have a parent who cares... More to come later, but for now, good night.

2012-06-24T03:45:00.000-04:00

My sleep hygiene is not great at all... I'm not sure what's going on with it, but I feel like I need to start getting on some type of schedule.

Secret Agent Kitty is doing well... When I get paid, I need to get him some more toys... Laser pointer is a must! He craves attention, though... Guess that's not a bad thing.

I'm in the middle of rearranging my apartment... I just don't like everything the way it is right now...

Lot's to do, and lot's to get out here, but can't right now. Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed day!

2012-06-22T00:43:00.001-04:00

Damn, I miss firefighting... I miss serving... I miss helping others... Yes, it screwed up my head pretty bad, and I got hurt a few times, and probably taken A LOT of unnecessary risks, but I always felt deep down inside, that I was put on this earth to take care and help other people regardless of whether or not my life was in danger.

I feel as if that was my calling from God...

However, God and I still have some issues to resolve... I had a Chaplain tell me about a year or so ago that I am, "...further along in my spiritual journey," than I realize... I still search for answers to this very day...

It's funny how PTSD and religion are closely related. Out of all the counseling, therapy, treatment, and research, I still seek answers. I have been told that I should just simply accept everything for what it is, however, I am not satisfied with that.

Am I searching for the meaning of life, and just not realize it? I honestly don't know, but I have spent many sleepless nights trying to figure things out... I still can't. Perhaps if I keep searching, I will find it... At the very least, I will find an answer or explanation that will at least satisfy me... My personal truth, perhaps...

Maybe I need more spiritual guidance from the church... Maybe I should continue to study the Bible?

I so desire to know what is on the other side... Death is a part of life, so do we continue to "live" after we pass on? Do I get a "free pass" since I have helped so many people in their time of need? Why would God let me experience a little child's flesh "melting" through my gloved hands? What lesson does that teach me?

I have so many questions, and hardly any answers...

2012-06-20T10:01:00.000-04:00

Yeah - Sorry it's been so long....

Got a cat.

Talked with my mom, who I haven't seen or talked to in about 6 years...

Stressing...

Wanting an escape, but haven't found one yet that doesn't involve the use of illegal substances....

Will write more later, but right now, it's time for a nap...

2012-05-29T19:03:00.000-04:00

Don't know who are, and I don't know where specifically.... But I do want to make it a point to tell YOU Mr. or Ms. "I'm from Russia" --- Hi!!!

Much love from only 1 of the 2 Commonwealths in the United States, the wonderful Commonwealth of Kentucky---

It really pleases me that someone so far away and with such different backgrounds, that you come onto my site and read what I got to say.

I'm gonna learn as little bit of Russian and say -

Не знаю, кто это, и я не знаю, где конкретно .... Но я хочу сделать это в точку,сказать, господин или госпожа "Я из России" --- Привет!

Многие любят только с 1 на 2 содружества в Соединенных Штатах, прекрасныйштата Кентукки ---

На самом деле мне нравится, что кто-то так далеко и с такой различного происхождения, что вы пришли на мой сайт и прочитать то, что я должен сказать.

Я хочу узнать, как немного русских и говорить

"Спасибо. Многие любят. Я надеюсь, что вы будете продолжать в гости, и я желаю вам и вашей семье очень благословенный день."

:-)

2012-05-29T11:49:00.000-04:00

Well, got done with my appointment with social security this morning. Actually in quite a bit of pain, but I will survive. Thinking about what to do for lunch. Called the cable company a few minutes ago. The technician is scheduled to be here from 5pm - 8pm, but told them to call the technician and let him or her know that its okay to come early, if they so choose.

I'm rather excited because I will be getting a new modem and router. The router I have is a kick ass Cisco E1500, but if I try to go wireless, it slows me to dial-up speed because it runs on the same frequency as my wireless surround sound... And if anyone suggests it, I tried all the channels on the router - same result. Supposedly the router that Insight is providing will allow me to get off of the 2.4 range and let me go to the 5's... If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it...

Anyways... I have some things to do around here today, so I will obviously write more later.

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed Tuesday. :-)

2012-05-28T04:05:00.002-04:00

As dumb as this is, I think it might just cheer ya up a tad bit if you go here... Nothing bad...

http://tosh529.org/?gclid=CIOU4JevoLACFbEBQAodjE1SWw

2012-05-28T03:24:00.001-04:00

This has been irritating me...

Now I'm sure most everyone who knows me, knows that I have three children. I have two with my ex-wife, and one with Angel.

Just because my ex-wife wants to BANISH me from Gab and Jon's lives, doesn't mean that I don't love them any less. I think about them EVERY single day!!!

As far as Angel and Mason are concerned:

Mom - If you should EVER read this, just know that I know I have hurt you. Keep in mind - JUST AS MUCH AS YOU HAVE HURT ME. If you can't accept that, then we're just going to stay at this stalemate.

Dad - If you should ever read this... Yes, you have a 3rd grandchild who will be 5 years old on June 13. I'm not sure if it even bothers you that you have never even met him, but it really bothers me. Mason should be able to meet and see his grandfather. Lord knows, we won't be around forever... Please don't punish Mason because of my mistakes. I accept that you hate me, and I understand and accept that, however, I don't think it's fair to you or Mason... Maybe Angel can come up and introduce you to him... my presence not required... Please think about it, dad....

2012-05-28T00:50:00.001-04:00

Other than my kids and family, I have only really cared in my heart about a couple of things in life: 1.) Impressing my father, and 2.) Accomplishing things, just because people said that I couldn't do it.

1.) Not a lot of people know what kind of work I did in the military, and how valuable it was to National Security and keeping our citizens safe.

2.) After the military, I got a job as a Test Engineer for a defense contractor just outside of Washington, D.C. I can't state the nature of my work, but I was building computer systems for the United States Navy. I did that job, just because my douchebag stepfather at the time told me that I couldn't get a good job without college education. I had completed several courses with the National Cryptologic School, and I got this job just to prove him dead wrong. At the same time, I was a volunteer Firefighter/EMT-B for the Essex, Baltimore County, Maryland fire department.

3.) I left my job as a defense contractor, to pursue what I thought was my true calling in life... To help people that can't help themselves. I was on a private medic and continued to volunteer while going through the hiring process for the Baltimore City Fire Service.

4.) I had gotten hired in a class of 50 for the Baltimore City Fire Service. I was one of the proudest days of my life. Badge Number: 2372. My wife, Melinda, was in attendance along with her family. I do not recall much of my graduation, other than the now governor of Maryland (Mayor at the time) wasn't in attendance... I do not recall my family being there... They most certainly could have been, but I was just so caught up in the excitement of the whole thing that I can't remember. I had become a member of one of the most historic and proud fire departments in the country... Right up there with the FDNY, Chicago, Phoenix, Los Angeles... I was not only a firefighter, I was one of the elite. I was assigned right out of the academy to the only Heavy Rescue Unit in Baltimore City - all 92 square miles of it...

5.) My certifications include: Firefighter I and II, HAZMAT Technician, Rescue Technician (Ropes/High Angle Rescue, Automobile/Machinery Extrication, Confined Space Technician, Swift Water/Ice Rescue, Elevator Rescue, among others... EMT-B assistant instructor... Should I go on?

I am not trying to brag by any means, however, I think that it is important for some people that read this to know that I have not made a total wreck of my life... Yes I fought drug addition. I am winning that battle today, but still a battle nonetheless. I made a shit load of bad (to say the least) choices, however, some people need to know that these poor chases were made as a result of a never ending battle with adversity - whether it be my ex-wife and what she did to me, or it be my DOUCHEBAG stepfather and mothers relationship, my injury, my mental health, seeing the awful shit day in and day out with my career (shooting and stabbings were a good day at work)...

No excuses. I am a man. And as a man, I take full responsibility of my actions, whether good or bad. I accept things for what they are now, but I am making an honest attempt at trying to be a man and do the right thing. It is taking time, however, I am continuing to make the right choices daily, and I am making an attempt to repair the damaged relationships that I have caused. I have burned a lot of bridges.

I DO NOT need financial assistance from you (you know who you are). I am doing okay. I am simply trying to BEGIN to fix what I have broken. You may not respond to me now, and I totally understand... You just need to know that I will not give up because of who I am. I am not a quitter. I am determined. Only God, my fellow brothers and sisters, and I know what I am capable of. Just know, that I will continue to reach out to you, and I am anxiously awaiting for the next step.

Everyone have a wonderful and blessed evening. Have a wonderful Memorial Day, and remember not only all the veterans, but all the active and reserve troops serving today... Till they all come home safe.

2012-05-27T23:54:00.000-04:00

Well, there's quite a bit that I want to get out here... Problem is: Where do I start?

Well, I suppose that I want to say that as far as my recovery is concerned, I am okay. I still think about using. I'm not going to lie. I only think about it because I am in a lot of pain. My 30 year old body has been beaten and abused so much, it hurts to walk...even with a cane.

There are some things that I will post on here soon, but only after discussing my feelings, and the situation with this particular person, whom I will not name... Could be very "drama" filled!!! Stay tuned...

Getting my internet upgraded to 30Mbps on Tuesday evening... I will truly be "kickin' ass in the bluegrass"!!! I can't lie. I am a bandwidth whore!!!

I think when I finally get my settlement, I'm going to catch up on my child support, buy a new truck, hire another attorney so I can fight with my bitch of an ex-wife to at least get some type of visitation with my kids!!!
I sincerely blame my ex-wife for the beginning of my 6 year downward spiral.

I am not bitter, because I have learned forgiveness. I am not ashamed, because I have learned humility. I am no longer afraid, because I have learned true courage. I have danced with the Devil and I have walked with death, and I have been told that I am further along in my spiritual journey than I realize... Yet somehow I cannot accept the personal peace that was offered to me. ---- And yes, you can quote me on that.

2012-05-27T22:50:00.000-04:00

I want to thank y'all for visiting! I must say that it really gives my self esteem a little boost to know that people actually care about me enough to at least stop by and know what's going on in this brain of mine...

I want to give a special thanks to my overseas visitors... So far, Germany and Ireland - Thanks for stopping by and seeing whats "kickin' ass in the bluegrass!"

And I figure since I got a little caffeine in my system, I can catch up on some much needed writing. I think the creative aspect of my blog can be put on hold for a bit, although, I still haven't received any feedback, as of yet...

I'm asking everyone to please be patient with me, as I am working on trying to "tidy" up my page and getting my thoughts organized. Thanks, and remember to KCCO!!!!

2012-05-27T22:29:00.001-04:00

I wanted to get this out there, and I really don't give a flying f - - k what anyone thinks.

DAD - I know I am not the model son by any stretch of the imagination. I know I have been one huge disappointment after another. I know that I'm a f--k up. I want you to know that I miss you. I love you, even though you may not love me. I am sorry. There are A LOT of things that you do not know, and I feel that you should. However, I won't get into those details on here (too personal).

I have A LOT of things wrong with me. I am not making excuses, but mental illnesses mess with ones mind and behavior. PTSD, depression, bi-polar, and a couple others that I have been diagnosed with. I have been off of drugs for going on 2 years now, and I have to tell you some things. Whether or not you choose to believe them, is irrelevant to me. I just want the opportunity to tell you. Maybe alot more things would make a little more sense.

Anyways, dad, I am sorry. I love you, and I miss you. I hope that one day, we can have a relationship that really defines a father and son.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uGDA0Hecw1k&feature=colike

2012-05-27T08:43:00.001-04:00

I apologize because I have not posted in a little while... There are a few things that I need to get out here, however, I just haven't because I am a little preoccupied with trying to envision my completed site. I did notice that I had a visitor from Ireland. That's very cool... Once I get the finishing touches done, and I am satisfied with the creative aspect of running a blog, I will post A LOT more often...

Please check back frequently, and leave me some much needed feedback... Thanks!!!

2012-05-24T09:18:00.001-04:00

Well, the apartment is pretty much clean... Made a gallon of Gatorade because I'm out of tea... I need to go grocery shopping, but haven't felt real good the last 36 hours...

Will post some decent stuff later - Think it's time for a break...

2012-05-24T04:57:00.003-04:00

Going to be busy on and off today, but I will assure you that I'll get some stuff up at some point today... :-)

2012-05-23T05:25:00.001-04:00

Sad, sad story this morning, not too far from here... 1 priority four and an injured firefighter...

It's horrible. I have stepped over people before, lying on the sidewalk who have jumped from burning buildings... It's a really bad scene. Damn PTSD!

She was at the window, and the firefighter got burned trying to rescue her...

My thoughts and prayers go out to that family, and praying the children are not hurt too bad... I am also praying for my injured brother and hope he makes a speedy recovery and this scene doesn't injure him mentally.

Please take a moment today and talk with your higher power and have him or her bless everyone involved with this horrific tragedy.

http://www.wlwt.com/news/31101544/detail.html

2012-05-23T04:39:00.001-04:00

Got a lot to get out there this morning...

The first thing, on a personal note - I am concerned that my few years of opiate abuse has costs me something very dearly...My memory. It's really starting to, dare I say, scare me! Of course, if you follow me, you would know a little about my history. United States Army. Baltimore City Fire Service. There's not a lot that would scare me, but I have been noticing for a while now, that I am suffering from memory loss. At first, I dismissed this as Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms in conjunction with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have all but eliminated a few disorders. Damn, knowing enough medicine to be dangerous...lol! Anyways, as the best I can figure at this point, it is NOT PAWS. PTSD, perhaps, but unlikely. Medications, possible. Early onset Altzheimers - need to rule out. I need someone with a medical background to run through a differential diagnoses with me. As this memory loss is beginning to impact my quality of life. Right now - More questions than answers.

Secondly - A 6 year old FIREFIGHTER saves his family!!! I find it sad that a 6 year old is a true HERO, and I have seen adults on MANY occasions do far less than what this little man did. He is truly a HERO - from one firefighter to another. And yes, he is a firefighter for saving lives like he did. Firefighters do A LOT more than lead off, hook up to a plug, and take that attack line into where the Devil dances and never dropping or setting down that pipe!!! I think I speak for my fellow brothers and sisters when I say that he has EARNED a lot of respect, and hope that one day, this HERO will continue to make us proud by getting on that pumper, truck, rescue, or medic and carrying on not only a proud tradition, but perhaps dedicating his future career to selfless service.

http://www.wave3.com/story/18599709/family-credits-6-year-old-for-saving-them-from-burning-home

Thirdly, what in the Hell, what the famous Paul Harvey would say: is "...the rest of the story..." Is this girl mentally handicapped? Are the parents of this girl even remotely aware of what is going on in this child's life? Is this school system really that dysfunctional? A little bit of all three? Or is it something more than that? I am assuming that since you are reading this, you have been at least a little educated, so you decide... I just thought that this story was completely FUBAR.

http://www.clickorlando.com/news/Girl-denied-entry-to-school-dance/-/1637132/13545388/-/eqej83/-/index.html?source=wkmg

And... Last, but most certainly not least - Congratulations to my brother, and his colleagues as well, on a successful chase day yesterday. Y'all be safe, and go kick some supercell ass!!!

Hope everyone has a wonderful and blessed day, and obviously - there will be more to come...

2012-05-22T21:08:00.002-04:00

Will write later... Getting so sleepy... Sleepy...

2012-05-22T07:48:00.001-04:00

I went out and Rocked the Vote!!! Damn shame they won't let Independents vote in a primary race... Even if I was a republican (which I used to be), the damn race is over by the time it is the great Commonwealth of Kentucky's turn...

I defended the right to vote. I will be the first to tell you, I love this right, however, this is just another prime example of how our system is outdated - and flawed.

I believe in Democracy, however, the way our ancestors sat down and designed the system - they weren't fortune-tellers, nor are we... However, they were brilliant enough to know that the fundamentals of government that they wrote on all that paper, we're designed to evolve... become better...

I sincerely think that the American people, as a whole, are starting to give up on the system. I honestally cannot blame them. Sometimes, I wonder, myself. But this needs to be a teaching moment...for the sake of our children.

We all know whats wrong, yet, we are complacent in the ideal that the system is going to fix itself. News flash! It isn't.

What else...

I am glad to see that SPACE X managed to get that rocket in the air early this morning... Will be even happier once it makes it to the ISS.

2012-05-22T02:18:00.003-04:00

Wow... I REALLY shouldn't have fell asleep in my recliner... Now it's two in the morning, and I am wide awake! Nothing on the TV, so I figured it would be a good time to do a little writing, while "River Monsters" plays quietly in the background... Only occasionally gazing up when Jeremy Wade catches a fish...

Just read online that one of the Reds' pitchers got arrested... Wouldn't be a perfect season if one of Cincinnati's fine athletes got in trouble - whether the Reds or Bengals...

It's election day in the great Commonwealth of Kentucky today... I think I am going to vote as I usually do, but can't vote in the primary because I'm a registered Independent...

Anyways... I spoke with my paralegal yesterday, and hopefully my case can be settled in about six months. That would be nice. I need to catch up on some payments, purchase a vehicle, and start proving that I am worthy of being a member of my own family... But that story is to be told another time.

Would love to have some feedback or comments from y'all... I know you're reading because it tells me so... Just won't tell me who...

2012-05-21T09:44:00.000-04:00

Random thought -

For some odd reason, I just had a thought that was out of place, so to speak. I suppose that when you're not doing anything, the mind just wanders.

The thought that I had was this: I'm not afraid of dying, or death.

Odd. I know this thought to be true, because I am not afraid of my own mortality... I have been in the military, I was a firefighter - - - I've always put others ahead of my own well being. Perhaps, selfless service?

Who in the hell do I need to prove this to? I get the feeling of everyone and nobody all at once... That is odd.

Perhaps, I will go out and work on my amateur photography skills today. I feel the need to distract and avoid these feelings. I went through very intensive PTSD counseling, and I am thinking that this thought may be good, or may be not so good... To early to tell in these crazy ass thought processes that I have.

I am going to say that it's probably not a good thing, and just distract myself. There is no need to think about it further, for I already know the answer. I have acknowledged the thought, and I chose to share it (for all the world to see), and that is the end of it.

Damn... I want to apologize for this completely irrelevant rambling - It makes no sense to me either.