A Daily Scoop

Recipe for the Best Mother's Day Ever...

2013-05-12T22:05:00.004-07:00

This has been one of my best mother's days ever. A number of simple ingredients made this possible:

Ingredients:
Extremely low expectations (Jon is gone. So I am expecting no special treatment at all. Noble starts throwing up at 10 p.m. the night before. So I am expecting to be up all night cleaning up throw up.) Noble ended up sleeping from 11 p.m. on through the night. Harrison (who has been waking up every 4 hours for a month) slept through the night with Annie transferred to his room to avoid being near Noble. Expecting no sleep and getting good sleep ... my day was already great by the time I woke up.

A long discussion about love languages in which my children really listen and take in the concept and understand what they need to do to make me feel loved. (This took a few hours and was precipitated by me asking my kids to help me clean up the house the night and them not helping... at all. After I threw a tantrum about feeling unloved and explaining that service is my love language, things improved. They helped with boys and cleaned and kept helping all through till tonight.)

Very little fighting. Several of my kids were sad not to have a "present" to give me. I told them truly the best present was a day without bickering or fighting but only with love and helping. While that wasn't perfectly the case all day, I could tell my kids (especially the girls) were really trying to keep the peace and love in the home.

Great "gifts." Lauren made me breakfast in bed. (Toast and water but it hit the spot and didn't create a mess for me to clean up.) Jon gave me a massage at a spa last weekend that took away the ache I have had in my neck for weeks. My mother in law is treating me to a facial while she watches my kids tomorrow. A great friend of me brought me yummy Pie tonight. And I bought fabric that reminds me of Camille (she had a baby blanket with the fabric) and tonight all the kids helped sew me a pillow case out of it. We had fun working on it together (especially after the boys did their part and went to bed.) Planning your own presents guarantees you will love them. I love my new pillow case and look forward to going to buy my new pillow to go in it. :)

Clean house. The kids hardly complained at all when I told them they were going to do the dishes (which they never do) and help me clean up the house after dinner.

Service. We had the sister missionaries over for dinner and they got to call their moms on skype on our computer. It was great to have them over and be able to serve them in that way.

Over all these made for a great mother's day.

Camille's birthday

2013-05-11T23:53:00.001-07:00

I am late posting this. But such is life.

We had a party and invited those who knew or had met Camille over for cake and ice cream. We had people wrote down acts of kindness they had done and attach them to balloons. At the end of the party we let the balloons go in the backyard.

I don't know why I have never done this before. It was great. I loved watching the balloons float off out of sight so gradually.

The whole event was wonderful and I had a few people tell me they could feel Camille there with us. I was glad I wasn't the only one. I love my girl. I love that she is still so much a part of our family. I love that people remember her.

God is good. I am grateful for the teachings of His prophets in our day that teach me more simply of the plan of our existence and the miraculous hope that comes as a result of Christ's atoning sacrifice. His gospel brings me peace and happiness even in the face of terrible trials. Families can be forever through Jesus Christ. God is good.

Happy Mother's Day

2013-05-11T23:50:00.002-07:00

I am sitting by my little man who has fallen asleep after an hour of throwing up every 15 minutes. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. Tomorrow I will be mothering. The errand of angels IS given to women. We are the angels to our children in their low and sickly hours. We are the angels to our friends when they are overwhelmed or in tears.

A friend of mine, Shelli, has been coming over to help me pack. She has been an angel to me. She is speaking in church tomorrow. She told me that this is what she is talking about ... About how as women we are performing angelic errands when we serve others. So true. So true.

Well I better get what little sleep I can in now, for soon I will be doing angel's work again.

p.s. I have posted a few times from my phone since that April 14th post and those posts haven't shown up. Hmmm. I guess I better stick to posting from my computer.

In between and Cami's Kindness Day

2013-04-14T21:20:00.001-07:00

Sitting at the airport, leaving my love, going to my 5 little loves, my heart is torn. Having your heart in two places is not fun. I find myself in the space between two lives. One life I know and love, another full of hope and promise.

7 more weeks of living in between here and there. I want to suck up every moment of my time in homeland before I embark on this great new adventure. For all its faults, Las Vegas is still and will ever be home to me.

I had a great weekend visiting Jon. I miss him and it is hard to leave him here. I look forward to being reunited long term.

We like the house we found. Things are moving forward with it. We went to our new church congregation and we were very warmly received. I feel there are people with whom we can develop solid friendships here.

Still I know this change will mean leaving almost everyone who knew Camille. Only my brothers family will remember her with me here.

We will move into this new ward family and they will know us as a family of seven. They won't see us for the family of eight that we are. They won't ever really understand how much Camille is still an integral part of our family. If I weren't living this reality I wouldn't understand it. That is why it is the "deepest secret nobody knows."

Camille's 6th birthday is this Friday. I usually invite the whole kindergarten class to a homespun party when my kids turn 6. I think this year I will make lots of cake and ask everyone who knew her or feels they know her through me to come get some with us. We will do it Saturday when Jon will be home at 4 pm. Put it on your calendar and call or text me if you can come so I know how much cake to make.

We will have a place for people to give their "gift" of writing down what random act of kindness they did in Camille's honor.

If you can't make the party, I invite you to eat some cake and comment here with your random act of kindness. It will cheer me to have her so remembered before leaving everyone who ever knew her.

Now I better wrap up before all the people in the airport start wondering why my eyes are so leaky :).

courage

2013-04-10T05:58:00.001-07:00

Last night Sabrina performed a piano solo and a then a vocal solo in her school talent show. I never would have guessed how it would feel to be the mother of someone performing in a talent show or just any performance. Every time my kids are to perform, I get nervous for them as if I were performing myself.

The funny part is that often they are not nervous at all. But I always am. Last night Sabrina told me she was really scared and shaking. But she played her Cannon in D on the piano very well. And her song was lovely.

I sat in the audience recording her on my phone and felt a rush of love and joy wash over me. I was so thrilled that she would have the courage to try out and perform in front of her school. There were some really good acts that night. And Sabrina did not win the competition. But this was one of those times that I felt she won on a personal level for performing well and having the courage to try.

Sabrina can do hard things. I hope she always remembers that.

Here are Sabrina and her best friend after her first shopping trip at the mall with friends and her own money. I sat in the food court while they shopped.

We Found a House!

2013-04-08T22:52:00.004-07:00

Jon and I found a house we liked when we moved him down there. We made an offer on it and eventually came to an acceptable contract with the seller. Assuming things go according to plan, Jon should be moving into the home on June 1. The kids and I will follow a week later.

The house is in Flower Mound, TX just 10 minutes from my brother Stephen's home. I am thrilled to have found a place so close to him that feels like it will work for us. Now comes the dreaded packing. I officially started today.

I got through 2 book shelves of books. That took 12 boxes. I am going to need a lot of boxes.

I had a very productive day including a trip to the gym ... to work out. I have been going to the gym fairly regularly these last 4 months but it has always been to study while the boys played in their play place. This was the first time in a long time I went with the sole purpose of actually working out. It was great.

I feel good tonight. Watching General Conference helped. It always does. I feel full of hope and promise. There are tears ahead but there is also joy and discovery as well. Just because we can't see it yet, doesn't mean it isn't there.

Awesome Annie Strikes Again!

2013-04-01T21:58:00.001-07:00

Last night after we got home from Grandma's house for our Easter dinner, I put the kids (most of whom fell asleep in the car on the way home) in their beds and went to start cleaning up the kitchen. Annie had not fallen asleep. She stayed up and helped me. By 9 we had the kitchen and family in good shape and I sat to blog for a minute and told her to head up and get ready and bed.

It was her turn to sleep in my bed last night. I am giving the kids turns to have sleep overs with mom. I went up shortly after and was asleep by 10:30. At 1 ish, Harrison woke up not feeling well. I gave him a bottle of milk with some Tylenol and he got back to sleep. At 3 ish Noble woke up screaming. He was in pain (ear infection) and had a fever. I took him downstairs and got him some Tylenol and carried him back upstairs to bed after he settled down.

At 4:48 Harrison woke up ... for the day. He is still adjusting to Pacific time after being on Central time for a week and he isn't feeling great so ... he was up and not about to go back down.

I brought him in my bed in the hopes of him falling asleep with me. No luck. But Annie woke up from the noise and she took him downstairs to watch TV so I could sleep. She ended up changing Harrison's diaper and feeding both boys her own special homemade oatmeal with brown sugar. All while getting ready for school and without being prompted.

I pulled her aside and told her how incredibly grateful I was for her and all the help she had given me last night and this morning. Then as she was feeding Harrison she said to me, "Mom I don't babysit. I take care of people. Otherwise these boys would have bum marks all over them."

I love this girl. She just gets better every day, every month, every year. Love her!

Feelings on the move

2013-03-31T21:50:00.001-07:00

I really can't put into words how I am feeling about this move. I have so many varied emotions it is hard to identify and keep track of them.

I feel like I have turned the helm of my life over to the Lord. I am a planner. I like to have my whole life planned out. If there is one thing I have learned these last 5 years, it is that life doesn't always go according to plan.

People ask me how long we will be in Dallas. My answer - for as long as it is right for us to be there. Maybe that will be one year, or three. Maybe it will be for 10 years or 20. I don't know. I have turned over the control to Him. I guess we will see what He has in store for me.

I went to Dallas last week. I went to church just 9 hours after landing. The ward was great in the area we want to live. It reminded me that the gospel is the same no matter where you go, just different people doing their best to live it. The people were nice.

I am going to be ok. I will make new friends. The Lord will clear a path for us. That is my hope.

But I am not sure I will ever have friends like the ones I have here. These friendships have been forged through difficult trials. Many of my friends here have seen me at my lowest of lows. They have held me up. They have stood by me when I couldn't stand alone.

Okay, gotta stop thinking about this ... my mascara is all down my face now and my nose is running ... I just can't quite go there yet. I'll head back to denial that I am leaving these wonderful people and this home that I love.

But as much Texas pride as there is down there, I have to say, flying over Lake Mead and seeing those rocky mountains standing as guardians around our valley, I felt a surge of my own state pride. In my mind I heard the state song, "Home means Nevada. Home means the hills. Home means the sage and the pine... Home means Nevada to me."

Easter Made Simple

2013-03-31T21:32:00.001-07:00

Hope. That is Easter made simple. Easter is a celebration of the hope we are given through Christ's victory over death.

This year, since we drove Jonathan to Dallas last week and I just flew home yesterday with all five kids, we simplified Easter. I didn't buy anything. We woke up to a house without much in the way of groceries. I threw together a Dutch Baby for breakfast and we went around the table telling why we were thankful for Jesus.

Sabrina and Noble are sick so they stayed home and the rest of us headed to church to hear the Good Word. I love our ward. I learn new things or have new insights almost every Sunday. We just have a really great ward and the Spirit is strong in every meeting.

We dyed eggs after church with shaving cream and food coloring. I made a quick batch of cookies to take to Grandma's house for our family potluck dinner there.

After Camille died I thought I wanted to make Easter bigger and more anticipated by the kids. As time has gone on, I have found that this holiday is one I want to treasure up in my heart rather than "celebrate" in the traditional commercial way. I reflected so much more on the Savior today than I have other Easters because I wasn't trying to get everyone picture perfect for church in new dresses and I wasn't worried about getting through all sorts of activities or whatnot.

I thought about the quiet peace that must have been almost tangible in the empty tomb. I tried to carry that with me through my day. It is the peace of the promise He fulfilled. It is the peace of that great Hope He gives. All else may fail, but in Him we can always still find Hope.

Home

2013-03-21T22:23:00.001-07:00

Sitting in the quiet comfort of my mostly sleeping home, I look around and see all the places she has crawled and climbed and discovered here in this home that was her home.

Tonight is Jon's last night home in this home. Four years ago, I could not have entertained the idea of moving from this home that was her home. The thought of leaving this place where she had lived was unbearable.

But I have come to learn over the last four years that my Camille lives more fully in my heart than in any earthly space. Home is where your family is and she will be home with me no matter where I roam or in which house I hang my figurative hat.

The poem by e e Cummings comes to mind...
[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]
BY E. E. CUMMINGS
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

That is the deepest secret ... I carry her heart (I carry it in my heart) Here, in Texas, anywhere.

Power of Moms Retreat in Las Vegas

2013-03-21T08:47:00.000-07:00

Last year I attended and spoke at a Power of Moms Retreat here in Las Vegas. I really enjoyed attending the workshops and sharing ideas with the other mothers. I picked up some great ideas for our family that I am still using a year later.

Power of Moms is hosting another retreat in the Las Vegas area again April 12-13th. You can find information on that HERE. If you are available that weekend, I would highly recommend attending the retreat. I would be going if I weren't going to be in Dallas that weekend.

I am a member of a Learning Circle through the Power of Moms group. It has been such a blessing to my life. I have formed really close relationships with the women in my group and feel a real sense of support and strength from our meetings. I feel like attending the meetings gives me more confidence in my ability to be an effective mother and more tools to use in that pursuit. Every month when we meet, I am reminded about the big picture of how important my work at home is and I leave recommitted to give it my all.

Check out forming a learning circle of your own at Power of Moms.

What are the odds?

2013-03-15T12:30:00.001-07:00

Recently I have been teaching Noble how he got his name and why. He knows his name is Morgan Noble Waite. I ask him who he is named after. He replies that he is named after "your dad" (his grandpa.) I ask what my dad's name is and he says, "Grandpa Harris!" I say yes but what is his name that is the same as your name? Noble then replies, "Morgan!"

Then comes the harder question: "Why are you named after him?"

Noble will now say, "because of the sisters." Yes. I explain to him, Grandpa had four big sisters just like you have 4 big sisters. And he is the 5th kid in his family just like you are the 5th kid in your family. Then we count the sisters in our family by name and I name the big sisters in my dad's family.

Then I add in that Grandpa Harris has one little brother just like Noble has one little brother. That is why he is named after Grandpa Harris.

Today my Aunt Helen came over to pick something up. We don't see her very often. She is my dad's sister. Last time she came over Noble was about 6 months old, so this was his first time really meeting her.

I went to get him and said, "Noble, come and meet one of Grandpa Harris' four big sisters." Then I thought about it and realized that she is the sister just above my dad. So I said, "this is Grandpa's 'Camille' sister that was born just before him just like Camille was born just before you."

We went in and Noble hit it off with Aunt Helen. She asked how old he was and when was his birthday. He told her his birthday is in May, "It's always in May." Then Aunt Helen said hers was in April. I didn't know that. Camille's birthday is April 19th.

"Oh, wow, Camille's birthday is in April too," I tell her. "What day is your birthday, Aunt Helen?"

"April 19th" she says. Wow.

Feeling a new connection to my Aunt Helen today.

Here is Aunt Helen reading one of the 20 books Noble brought to show her because she just "HAD TO SEE" it!

How Times Have Changed

2013-03-13T13:42:00.000-07:00

I am getting a small preview of the coming months. Jon has been in NYC for a couple of days for a conference for his new job. He gets back late tonight. Nine days later we move him out to Dallas. Then I will only get to see him once or twice a month until we move out there to join him sometime this summer.

Jon and I were on opposite coasts for our whole engagement and dating experience. It was rough. But that was almost 14 years ago. In our modern age of technology, a lot changes in 14 years. I didn't even have a cell phone back then. Imagine that!

The last couple days are certainly more work and less sleep for me. But, Instagram, texting and other new technologies are going to make this long distance thing a little better this time around.

I have had fun seeing Jon's Instagrams to see what he is doing and the joy in his day. I have been putting up some photos for him of his little buddies. It makes us feel more connected even when we are 3000 miles apart and he is in meetings all day and can't talk.

Perhaps one of the hardest parts that I hadn't really considered before will be how much the kids will miss Jonathan. Harrison can't say too many words, but he can say "Dad." He has been clingy with me today and every time we pass the office or my bedroom or Jon's car, or a family picture he points and says, "Dad." He misses his Dad.

By the time we finally move to Dallas, Harrison will be thinking Dad is in the computer. Because he will see him on Skype more than in person. But at least he will be able to see him and talk to him. I am so grateful for our modern technology for these good things it enables. It has serious "side effects" and dangers, but it can also bring great blessings to us.

Dinner Club

2013-03-06T15:07:00.002-08:00

Last night for dinner club I made these amazing ABC Burgers from Remarkable Home.

I normally I don't really like homemade hamburgers. But my friend Emily is an amazing baker and cook and she worked her magic with this burger recipe. Go on over to her blog to see the recipe and try it out.

I made roasted potatoes and a triple chocolate cake from Pintrest that had a layer that was brownies. Yumm.

I am going to need to form a new dinner group in Texas. These last 4 years of cooking only once a week has been heavenly.

Get to vs. Have to

2013-03-02T23:19:00.001-08:00

I learned so very much during the last 5 months of studying. Most of it would bore the majority of you and I will refrain from sharing the intricacies of present possessory property interests with you. But one of the things the criminal law professor shared has far reaching application and I find myself applying it in every day life.

During his lecture he reminded us that when we set out for law school we were so excited to get in and "get" to go to law school. Within a few weeks we were saying, "I have to read these cases and do this work." But all the while we were paying lots of money to "get" to do this work and learn these things.

His point was that if we would think of our studying in terms of "getting to" study for the bar rather than "having to" study for it, our studying would be more effective.

I kept that mindset through my hours of studying. I feel it did help.

Now here I am trying to get back into the swing of being a mother. I have not done much cleaning or mothering these last couple of months. I literally was studying 8-10 hours a day on average. And I have found myself having a hard time transitioning back into the more mundane aspects of motherhood like diapers and mess cleaning.

But here this lesson from my criminal law professor keeps haunting my mind. I have just gone through a period of emotionally and mentally stealing myself to reenter the work force. While there was a part of me that looked forward to the idea of working, the idea of leaving my children each day and not being able to mother them all day was painful to me.

With Jonathan's new job, I will not need to work outside our home. I "get" to stay home with my kids and be their diaper changer and mess cleaner upper. It is a privilege to do this. I am sacrificing good money for this opportunity. I am a better mother when I remember this.

Which aspects of your life do you treat like you "have tos" when really they are "get tos?" How would your experience in these areas change if you could see them from the perspective of "get to?"

Bipolar Moving Disorder

2013-03-01T18:28:00.000-08:00

I have officially named how I have been feeling ... I have bipolar moving disorder. It is characterized by drastic mood swings regarding an upcoming move to a new area. One moment a sufferer will be wildly happy about the prospect of new opportunities and possibilities and friends to meet, the next he or she will be sullen or even in tears at the thought of moving to an unfamiliar area and leaving all the things and people she loves.

Today I have been pretty down at the thought of moving. I am really hoping that our visit to Dallas at the end of the month helps pull me out of this funk. I mean I am still thankful and recognize the blessing in this. I do. Deeply. But I know it is going to be hard ... really hard.

I just went through all the little girl dresses I kept in case Harrison was a girl. It is a collection of all my favorite of our little girl dresses. I pulled about 5 of my favorites out to use in a quilt and bagged the rest to give to family or sell in a yard sale.

I am going to be selling so much stuff. I am hoping to put all the money I make off selling our stuff to help pay for our move. So if you know me and want books for kids, little girl clothes age 6 and under, little boy clothes age 18 months and under, or kid toys, come on over. You can have your first pick of the yard sale pile. :0) I plan to post at lease one thing everyday on a facebook yard sale page in our area.

This is really closing a chapter of our lives. In one way, I am happy to box up all the hard parts of this experience in Las Vegas and put it in an emotional box and move on from it. But all these hard experiences have given birth to such love wonderful friendships and tender feeling. Who can throw away a perfect rose just because it is riddled with thorns?

Bipolar Moving Disorder. It is real. And I have it.

Big Changes

2013-02-28T22:50:00.003-08:00

I finished the bar exam today. Hallelujah! I feel great. If I didn't pass, I know it isn't because I didn't do my best. I learned (or relearned) so much in the process that I feel I have won the prize already. I really do love learning and feel so grateful for the opportunity I have had the past few months to reengage my mind in academics. It made me feel young again.

And now I am back to blogging.

Life is a funny thing. I grew up in a very stable home. We moved into a house my dad built when I was about 2 or 3 and my parents just sold that home about 2 years ago. My dad had the same job for over 35 years. My life was very set and secure.

Leaving home, the world was full of possibilities. I explored them as fully as I could afford to. Eventually Jon and I married and as our children came to us one by one, we looked to become more stable.

Five years ago we moved into this house. We bought it because we knew we could live in it the rest of our lives and be happy here. It would fit our family as large as we would grow it.

Then Camille died.

We felt, more than ever, powerful roots digging deep into this barren dessert land. This valley has always felt like home to me. But burying a child here ... that tied me here with unbreakable heartstrings.

We will live here forever. We will never move from this home. This is where Camille was. That is what we have said. That was the plan.

But just as life threw us the unexpected curve ball of losing Camille, it seems to take twists and turns I never thought it would. And another twist rocked my world a week ago.

My husband has been looking to get back into the world of finance and investments. He is not essential to the LaptopXchange operation and he misses his profession of stock analyzing and picking. He searched for months to find a job locally in that field. Unfortunately, Las Vegas does not have much of an investing scene.

Last week, my husband accepted a position at a hedge fund ... in Dallas, Texas. He starts tomorrow working remotely from here. He will move out there at the end of this month. Hopefully we will find a home out there in the next month or two and follow him after the school year ends.

This is a blessing to our family and the position is one he is excited about. He feels he will learn and grow and enjoy his work. It is a great opportunity for him. I am thrilled about it. Everyone I have ever heard talk of living in Dallas has nothing but wonderful things to say about living there. I have a brother and sister in law there. If we have to move, I can't think of anyplace better. I am excited for this adventure.

At the same time I am utterly heart broken at the thought of moving. This week I had so many friend texting and emailing and calling me to wish me luck on the bar. I had dinners brought in by friends every night this week. (And they were seriously deluxe, over the top, delicious!)

I LOVE our neighborhood, our home, our ward family, our community, my friends, and we have so much family here. It is going to just be so hard to leave all this love.

I am trying not to think too much about it yet because I get too weepy. I keep calling my Texan brother and telling him and his wife to tell me how excited we are again. :)

I really am grateful. I feel a showering of love and blessings from the Lord and I know this is in his plan. We have learned what we needed to learn here for now. It is time to go learn new lessons from new people. I feel that. But it is still so hard to say goodbye and move so far away.

Luckily, technology has made the world a little smaller. I will be blogging all about our upcoming adventures of being a single mom for a few months, packing and moving, and settling in a new area in the Dallas Ft. Worth metroplex. Hopefully this blog will take on the new purpose of being the place where all those people I love and will be missing can come and we can visit in the comments.

And hopefully it will help introduce us to some new friends too. Anyone out there live in the Carrollton Texas area? That is one of the areas we are looking into. I'd love to know what anyone thinks of it who lives there.

Now I need to go look into taking the Texas bar this summer ... :) fun times.

Thankful

2013-02-25T21:55:00.001-08:00

Just about to go to sleep. Feeling as ready as I'll ever be for the exam. Just so grateful for all the support of family and friends as I have prepared for and am taking this exam. Thank you to all of you who are and have been praying for me. My mind feels ready and calm tonight. I can feel the power of those prayers powerfully.

Thank you.

One more week...

2013-02-19T23:16:00.001-08:00

I am in my final week of studying for the bar. Sorry I have been gone so long. I have been having lots of thoughts to share. I am excited to start documenting them. Anyone who wants to say a little prayer for my mind on February 26, 27, and 28; that would be helpful. Those are the days I will be taking the test.

I will be very glad to have these 8-10 hour study days behind me. I am excited to spend some more time with my kiddos and hubby.

One more week...

Nosh and Swig

2013-01-26T16:33:00.001-08:00

After studying yesterday we went out with some friends to a new small restaurant on the east side near where I grew up. It is on Flamingo between Sandhill and Pecos. The name is Nosh and Swig. It is small plates and really tasty food. We had a party of 8 so we tried lots of food. There wasn't a single dish we didn't like.

Some favorites were the dr. Pepper short ribs and the pretzel roll brat sandwiches and the sticky bun tacos. If you are looking for a fun dining experience with good food, check it out!

Where am I?

2013-01-21T16:34:00.001-08:00

This is where I have been and what I have been doing. Studying for the bar kicked into high gear the week of Christmas. Been studying 8-10 hrs a day and spending precious free moments cherishing my kids and hubby. I go to the gym daily to walk while studying and mostly cuz they will watch my boys for 2 hours a day. :). Then home to feed lunch and put down to nap and study more. If you don't hear from me more till march this is why. Love you all!

Anticipating Christmas ... A Conversation with Ann Marie

2012-12-21T20:29:00.001-08:00

I had to take a minute and record a bit of my conversation with Ann Marie on our way home from dance. I will try to quote it as exactly as possible. Items in italics are my thoughts (even if they are in the middle of Annie's dialogue) during the conversation.

Mom: So Annie, what are you most looking forward to about Christmas, gifts under the tree? Surprise gifts? Santa gifts? Those were always the things I most anticipated.

Annie: You mean on Christmas eve or Christmas day?

Mom: Either? What are you most anticipating about Christmas in general? Certainly she wouldn't be anticipating opening pjs on Christmas eve more than seeing what Santa brings right? But I guess I shouldn't suggest what she should anticipate most.

Annie: I am most looking forward to giving Lauren and Sabrina their presents. They are going to LOVE them!

A memory flashes in my mind of a 4 year old Annie the Christmas of 2007 (our only Christmas with Camille) and Annie being over the top excited as each person opened her gift. "You are going to LOVE it! You are going to LOVE it!" she screamed each time jumping up and down. I shouldn't be surprised that the part of Christmas she is most anticipating is giving her gifts.

And I am excited to wake up and go downstairs singing the song.

She too loves the tradition of gathering in Mom and Dad's room in the morning and all going down to the Christmas tree and all the gifts and stockings singing "Here Come Santa Claus" just as I did as a child.

And I am anxious to see what the boys will get so I can see how hard it will be to clean up.

Here she shoots me one of her looks. It says "you know it's true."

Because you know whatever they get they are going to make a mess with it and then we will have to clean it up. So if they get something that is easy to clean up... that will be good and I will like it. If they get something with lots of little pieces... I will not like it, because we both know I will be cleaning it up all the time.

Annie cleaning up the boys train tracks tonight trying to give me that look but not quite able to reproduce it.

Now I am just smiling. Huge smiling. My heart is smiling, my face is smiling. It is true. She will be cleaning it up. So will I. So will her sisters. And hopefully one day so will the boys. Something tells me she isn't going to like very many of the boys presents. There are a couple sets of Duplos and Hot Wheels in those packages.

Even more, I am smiling because this is the end of her list of what she is anticipating most about Christmas and she hasn't even thought to include any presents for herself. What a rare child this one is. Sometimes conversations like this remind me of how unusual she is for a child and it just makes me smile.

Help Newtown Families

2012-12-21T10:56:00.001-08:00

Remember a few years ago when I did that auction for Emily Jones on this blog? Her husband passed away in after getting stuck in the Nutty Puddy caves over the Thanksgiving weekend. That was the best Christmas I can remember because of how much I felt the giving spirit.

Well a fellow angel mom, Ashley Sullenger, turned me on to a an auction for the families of the children from Sandy Hook Elementary. It is on Tiffany's blog HERE. But it is only up till Dec. 26th so go over there and bid if you can. They have great stuff.

I got a few emails from my sister in law Rachel this morning. Remember my angel tree?

It is filled with angels all of you sent me the Christmas after Camille died. The one in Ann Marie's hand was handmade by my sister in law Rachel. That year she made one for each of her siblings and gave them their "Camille angel ornaments" for their Christmas present. Each year they put their ornaments up and remember my baby girl.

Well one of Rachel's sisters live near Newtown, Connecticut. She is in the same stake (a church name for a unit of our church that is made up of about 10 congregations) as Emily Parker's family. Emily was a 6 year old victim in the shooting.

Rachel's sister was inspired by my tree and organized a group of people to make and donate angels to the Parker family. They made so many ornaments that they decorated trees in the primary room at church, a tree at the fire house, and they sent a bunch of ornaments to Utah for Emily's funeral.

Here are a few photos Rachel sent me. Thanks to all those who worked on this project. I know what a treasure these angels will be in the future.

Primary room (Childrens classroom at Emily's church)

Firehouse Tree

Angel tree at the funeral.

The Worth of One

2012-12-18T13:07:00.001-08:00

Today I got a little birthday present in the mail from my sister in law Nikki. It has touched my heart. A few months ago, Nikki called me to tell me about a friend of her sister's whose little girl had drowned. I got this woman's information and emailed her. After a while she emailed me back and we started corresponding.

I had the pleasure of meeting Jill and her lovely family soon after. Her daughter was one year old and named Penny. Jill and friends started a Penny drive in her daughter's memory. They made and sold beautiful jewelry made from pennies.

Today I as I opened my present I found a necklace made from a penny similar to one Jill gave me when we met. I love it. I love both of them. Then I read the card Jill included with the necklace (on the back of the card with the deer that reads "as the deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God" Psalm 42:1) and I was touched by that heavenly teaching spirit of understanding. I have come to believe through my experiences with this blog that I heard the whisper of sweet Penny Thomas helping me understand the worth of ONE in a whole new way.

I wanted to share Jill's note with you. It reads as follows:

Pennies for Penny

thank you for taking part in "pennies for penny." as penny's mother i knew the second that i held her in my arms that she was special, she was divine. as her family we loved and we cherished her every second. we knew then that she was a gift from god and we held her so close. in her little life, she taught so many. she left us lessons of love, simplicity, peace, family, gratitude, and service. it is because of penny that i wanted to be even closer to my heavenly father. i have learned through her, that this life is not the end. i knew this before, however, it is more real to me than ever, this life is not the end! this deeper understanding has caused me to want to focus more on what is important in this life...family and the gospel of jesus christ. i want to be a better christian, a better mother to these divine children that god has given me for a short time. i want to serve more and teach others that they are too children of a merciful heavenly father. i used to throw away pennies, however, the power of 1 cent has a new meaning to me. penny was just 1, but she left a mark in the world worth much more! please wear this as a reminder of my penny, of her life and what she taught. "the worth of souls is great in the site of god" d&c 18:10 all my love, Jill Thomas

Thank you Jill for the note. Thank you Penny for teaching me. Camille was also just 1. Too often we do not recognize the worth of the one. I know the worth of my one to me.

May we keep in our hearts the worth of the little ones at this season when we celebrate the birth of The One.

Life Keeps Going

2012-12-17T14:41:00.001-08:00

"And it came to pass..."

That is the beginning of so many scriptures. When my children are little like Noble and just learning to repeat scriptures when we read as a family, they assume that every verse starts that way. When it is his turn he would say "and it came to pass ..." and then wait to see what I told him the rest says.

We often over look these words, but like all words in scripture, they have meaning beyond what we initially see.

We live in a temporal world where all things come to pass. We do not stay in one moment forever. Some things last longer than others but all of them come to pass. It is a phrase that gives hope to me. When I feel overwhelmed or worried about something I am dealing with, I remember with hope that it will come to pass.

The bar exam will come to pass. I will study and work and stress and do my best and then I will take it and it will be done.

I am speaking at a Relief Society (our church's women's organization) meeting this week. I prepared my remarks last night and timed them out. I had a hard time saying them aloud (it is an emotional subject for me ... angels among us.) I hope it will go well and that I will be able to speak understandably. But one way or another I find peace knowing that whether I do well or not it will come to pass.

Yesterday was my 38th birthday. It came to pass. I am happy to have a clean kitchen and soft skin that was pampered by my girls at their home spa complete with use of new spa products they got me for my birthday. They put me in a warm bath with soft music playing and candlelight and blew bubbles over me and put bath fizzies in the water. Then they got me out and put me on a bed of rugs and towels on the floor and put hot towels over me and massaged lotion into my back, feet, legs, and arms. I enjoyed every minute of it and locked it as deeply into my memory as I could because I knew that it too was right then ... coming to pass.

Even incredible heartache comes to pass. They say it doesn't ever leave you. I can't say it has left me ... that heartache of losing a child. It has changed and is far more bearable. But it hasn't left. I imagine it won't completely pass in this life. But it will come to pass. One day I will be reunited with my Camille. I believe this heartache then shall pass and be replaced by a joy unimaginable to me now.

I pray for that same hope to eventually come to those who are so fresh in their grief now. I hope that someday this will be a chapter in the book of their life (granted a pivotal chapter that changes the story but just a chapter) not their whole life.

I feel the pages turning in my life story book. I feel chapters ending and new ones beginning. It is an exciting and scary thing. So for now I am just trying to relish the moment I am in because I know it is coming to pass.

2012 Family Photo