Emotional Health Help

Al-Anon Slogans to heal childhood trauma shame from narcissistic parent abuse (2026 rewrite)

2026-05-24T18:59:02.559-04:00

Hello my friends! Long time no see. I'm back, did you miss me? I missed you. 😻Since I last wrote, I have begun to unpack my childhood trauma issues from abuse by four narcissistic parents. And I've dug out some old content I wrote and refurbished it in light of that. I'm here today talk about some of my favorite tools in emotional health help and those are Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) slogans. Specifically, I'm looking at the slogan "keep it clean."

The Realization

I was hitting blind at a moving target. And that target wore my husband's face because the childhood trauma played out on the safer stage of our relationship. Expressing it was far too deadly in my original family, where the suffering actually came from.

The passive-aggressive plight of repressed rage

Rereading my now 18 year old content (😕 where did the time go?) I can hear a lot of repressed anger that came out sideways. I was more caustic and sharp and I see, deeply wounded. I see now that childhood trauma couldn't acknowledge abuse, neglect, fear of abandonment (from actual parental abandonment), endangerment, exploitation, manipulative parentifications, scapegoating parental enmeshment, triangulation and gaslighting about it all, had me very confused and shell shocked. I knew I was hurt and hurting but trauma bonding and betrayal blindness kept me from seeing the dysfunctional family system origins.

The Clarity

FOG and DARVO gas the child's brain with poisonous, blinding fumes.

Gaslighting DARVO and FOG destroys reality

Narcissistic parent abuse has me so confused by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that I thought that my now relationships were the only source of the problem. I couldn't see the childhood trauma responses underscoring everything. Parent gaslighting (which is actually a form of gassing) had "burned my vision" so I could not see their abuse and cruelty clearly. And they made sure to keep the focus squarely on me and my husband as the problems, as they had always scapegoated me. They used DARVO to further muddy the waters. They Denied abusing me, counter- Attacked, and reversed Victim and Offender. I as their victim was painted as offending and victimizing them.

"Keep it Clean" dilemma

This Alanon slogan means keep issues in the arena they belong. I had written,

"In your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're an adult. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean. Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander."

(I was writing this to my husband. I often felt like his toxic waste dump, but not just the repository, the cause. I felt painted as the source of toxic waste, instead of just the place where it was dumped. But I long felt this at home too. But admitting that would be very dangerous. Whereas confronting my husband had hope. He actually listens.)

The projection plus transference trap

I had also written that

"Trouble shared is trouble halved is an old saying that only works if it's done cleanly and works two ways. There is a huge difference between sharing troubles in an objective, non-blaming an non-confrontational safe way and making the person you are sharing with, part of the problem. And it's a two-way street where both parties share."

I didn't make the connection then, but what I was trying to get at was the one way nature of relationships with parents who take without given. And the problems of projection and transference. It also has to do with enmeshment, lack of respect, invalidation and boundary violation. The person sharing trouble isn't looking for help. He's looking for a target to blame. With narcissistic word salad and blame shifting, he blurs the lines between bystander and offender. By scapegoating someone, the scapegoat-er, transfers all responsibility, blame and consequences onto the innocent sacrificial lamb. Ergo, the importance of "keeping it clean."

What I didn't understand was the trauma-bonded betrayal blindness which made me blame myself—and then my spouse, who was part of me—for what my parents did. I was doing what they did to me. And I was dragging him into my circular hell of blame and shame.

Narcissistic parents start a dirty vicious cycle

When I wrote this post so long ago, I was writing to express frustration at how people in my life had not "kept it clean." But I was also inadvertently failing to keep it clean myself. Me and everyone around me got the fallout from their toxins. My narcissistic, dehumanizing parents kept nothing clean. Every bad thing comes back to bite their scapegoat child who believes, because exploitative parents have flipped the script, that she is the fault, the problem, the enemy. Mad at your spouse? Blame the child. One of your other kids failed? Pin it on the scapegoat. You got some narcissistic injury? Lash out at the scapegoat. The entire biome of the narcissistic family system is a polluted toxic waste dump.

The gaslighting trail

I heard endless vicious scorn, rebuke, and insult from my parents. And I let them attack because I thought that's what a "good daughter" did. But what it really is, is an abused scapegoat child trauma-responding, at her own expense.

Narcissistic parent abuse and gaslighting doesn't end when you move out. Or in my case are kicked out. They hound you, even from the grave in the "flying monkey" shaming they implanted. I can hear their voices in my head clearer than in real-time voices. They had groomed and indoctrinated to believe that since I was the problem, anyone I would bring into the toxic circle would by extension be the problem.

Now that I know, I know

So I'm sharing what I wrote back then but I'm putting the real perpetrators in the hot seat. Did my husband sometimes take advantage and blame-shift? I don't know. My memory of those times is so besmirched by my parents' gaslighting deceit that I can't say. Looking back, I know my now family and I would have been a lot better off if I'd known then what I know now. Once you see, you can never be blinded again.

The 2026 rewrite

So here's what I'd say to my narcissistic abusive parents now. It's the same thing I said 18 years ago, but now I'm saying it to the right people. I just replaced my original word spouse with the correct word child.

PARADOX OF PARENT ROLE REVERSAL

NOTE: The operative substitution of "child" for "spouse" is exactly what occurred in the role reversal I experienced. Alongside being parentified, I was also used as a surrogate spouse, support system, soother, servant, and therapist.

(so now what I wrote reads properly) "If you are taking advantage of your CHILD's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you for exploiting that love. Because your CHILD is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your CHILD to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you."

The Now Reality Check

But that's what hypocritical enmeshed narcissists don't do. They obligate their children to them in unnatural ways while failing to provide the fundamental basics they are actually obligated to provide. THIS is what blinded me to the real problems.

(I continued) "Don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your CHILD into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them. Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, wife driving you crazy? This is not your CHILD"s problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home."

The Irony of Parent Enmeshment

All these things I originally wrote not to do to spouses are bad enough to do to adults. But I was a child, being expected to do and be all things for adult parents who were supposed to love and protect me.

THERE SHOULD BE WAR BUT WASN'T

That last part I wrote about it being "hell on earth" was meant to say that if you bring warfare to the marriage, be prepared for anger and resentment. But sadly, as I now see, all the anger and resentment I should have felt, living with parents abuse, I didn't. I just absorbed that hellish nightmare life inside me.

(I continued, and this I see now that the trauma bonded betrayal blindness glasses have fallen off, was written straight to my parent perpetrators.)

"If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. (2026 edit-You don't deserve children, either). Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a God but you are not it. (That was aimed squarely at my mom, dad, stepmom and stepdad, but I didn't know it)

"Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. (2026 edit I have a lot of these BECAUSE of you YOU caused them) It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.

I thought in rereading this that I'd hear a lot of smug sententiousness in my writing. Because my parents told me I was the hypocrite, the know-it-all. But I don't read this in it all. I hear a clarion call to arms, against perpetrators of abuse. So I'll end with this thought.

"It's not your fault. It never was. It never will be. You can step off from the crazy-making parental abuse merry-go-round any time you want. You control the brake." Love, Mar 💗

Antidepressant alternatives: Natural drug-free first aid kit for depression and anxiety

2017-11-07T17:41:00.000-05:00

The loss of my mother-in-law recently prompted me to relook at depression and anxiety. Certainly there is a difference between temporary grief and chronic depression but the two can feel similar. I took antidepressant Paxil for years and my husband was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin. I gained 100 pounds during the time on the drug and also lost a stillborn child. So those were both obviously depressing but it was more than just that. Paxil (paroxetene) made me disoriented and lethargic.

So I searched out natural antidepressant alternatives. Here's my supplement and herbal first aid kit for depression. Using five simple "ingredients" my husband and I have been able to wean off antidepressants and treat anxiety. It's not a perfect solution but then nothing is--and it's certainly better than where we were. We're actually happier off the happy pill! Here's what you need:

magnesium (preferably powdered effervescent magnesium--we use Mellow Mag by True Goodness)
vitamin B complex with extra B-12
vitamin D
St. John's Wort
Kava Kava (found primarily at health food stores)

We also work to eat healthier and keep refined sugar and processed foods out of the diet.

How quitting antidepressants healed depression which sparked my weight loss

2017-10-10T10:50:00.002-04:00

I've never been what you'd call a confident person. I might give the impression of positive self-image, but it's a mask I where to keep people from seeing how really fragile I am emotionally. But one thing that has boosted my self-esteem is weight loss. I <---lost ----="" 100="" and="" confetti="" dance="" do="" joy="" of="" pause="" pounds="" that="" the="" throw="" to="">

I feel prettier now. Not beautiful--operative suffix pretty-ER. I have also noticed that I have become more self-aware as I gain confidence. I'm more mindful of how I speak and don't babble nervously as much as I used to. Even my writing has improved because I can think more clearly. That's partly due to quitting anti-depressants and switching to herbal, healthier mood management.

St. John's Wort, magnesium, kava kava and B-12 have eased depression so much more than Paxil ever did. And they don't cause weight gain--of which the medical community doesn't warn you--like Paxil and other SSRI. And let me tell you, that IS depressing. So quitting the antidepressant helped me get out of the drug-induced mind fog, see the weight gain clearly so I could lose weight which reduced anxiety, panic attacks and depression which helped me see everything more positively and think more clearly, which helped...you get the idea. It's been a

happy spiral up instead of a vicious cycle down. #winwinwin

Manipulative Abusers in Relationships Know the Behaviors and Beware

2014-07-13T16:13:00.000-04:00

What is manipulative behavior? It's coercive, shaming and hurtful. We've all been manipulative at times. A manipulative abuser's behavior isn't occasional or situational. It's chronic. Manipulative abuse isn't obvious. It's covert and passive-aggressive. And therefore so much more dangerous. Manipulative abusers have been called different things: sadist, control freak, sociopaths, invalidator. Bottom line--they like hurting people.

Why do people become manipulative abusers? There are many possible reasons: intense self-esteem issues, delusions of grandeur, religious mania, alcoholism, substance abuse, abuse issues in childhood, even brain damage. Two things are certain: manipulative behavior is sick and dangerous. If you're the target of a manipulative abuser, know it's the manipulator's problem and not yours'. Learn to recognize the traits.

-Bizarre communication patterns. He'll make provocative statements, ask leading questions, bait you into an argument, trap you into some imagined falsehood. He is trying to back you into a corner.

-Backhanded compliments. '"Well you finally found a nice shirt." "You made dinner for once?" Their "compliments" are thinly disguised insults. When you call her on it, she gets offended and accuses you of not being able to accept a compliment.

-Humiliation. When you speak, he ignores, contradicts or belittles. He says "you're not making any sense"though he's been interrupting, twisting your words and arguing with you since the conversation began. He prefers to do this publicly.

-Inappropriate humor. He thinks shaming people is funny. He'll tease and mock. He interrupts your serious talk to say dumb things for laughs. He makes faces behind your back. He says its to "lighten the situation." Funny, if you do it to him, it's not so funny.

-Second guess. She'll speak "for" you in conversation with others, explain what you mean. She pooh-poohs you. She says she's "translating" or "interpreting" what you said. Her goal is to undermine you, make you feel stupid and make others think you can't speak for yourself.

-Nonverbal warfare He's an exhibitionist and a drama queen. He uses implication, gesture, body language, innuendo and tone of voice to perfection. He has a fully-stocked arsenal of psychological tricks and mind games to keep you second guessing yourself and looking over your shoulder. If confronted, he turns the tables in a crazy game of point-counterpoint.

-Break promises. They lie, arrive late and 'forget' to call. They screw up but do it in such a way it looks like your fault. Then they blame you. They like seeing you awkward, embarrassed, confused and nervous. They remain always the "good guy."

-Exaggerate. They seize upon your every mistake and blow it out of proportion. They manufacture things you supposedly did. Abusers follow you, check up on you, question your judgment and motives. They defend their distrust and disrespect by either blaming you for "being paranoid" or saying you're unworthy of trust or respect.

-Lack of responsibility. With the same energy they attack your mistakes, they downplay their own. If they admit mistakes, it's in a backhanded way that says it was really someone else's fault.

-Law unto themselves. They expect the impossible of you and nothing of themselves.
They make up rules as they go. They change rules randomly, expect you to read their minds and adhere to their contorted rules.

-Manipulators literally live in their own world.

Manipulative abusers will trample you down and leave you to bleed. They will make you believe that it was all your fault, you deserved to punished and they only did it for your own good. And then they will move on to the next victim and convince him that you were an evil person and repeat procedure. Please. Don't be that victim.

Healing Relationship Communication Barriers with Constructive Arguing

2013-06-03T16:34:00.001-04:00

Arguing in relationships? That can't be right! That's not communicating, just fighting! That depends on how you argue--what you say, how you say it, what your purpose is. WebMD quotes psychologist Susan Silverman who advocates" constructive arguing." Here's what to do and what to avoid to improve communication and relationships.

* Make the relationship priority. Don't come to the bargaining table with a self-serving agenda. Do what's in both your best interests. Act like the teammates you are. My husband and I act defensive by habit, though neither feels antagonistic. We tried arguing each other's point and discovered a whole new way of connecting. Healing Relationship Communication Barriers with Constructive Arguing

Facebook, Social Media Impairs Real-Life Communication

2013-03-26T17:13:00.001-04:00

Facebook and social networking are bubbles. They occupy a lot of time and airspace for a significant number of people. A spectrum of users interact instantly and globally. We don't yet know what all the impacts will be. From my own experiences, I see that digital interaction impairs face-to-face communication. Here's how and why I think excessive social networking should be avoided. As a dear friend on Yahoo! said, "it can't replace a smile, a conversation or a hug." Words to live by. Facebook, Social Media Impairs Real-Life Communication

Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

2013-03-18T14:32:00.001-04:00

14 years ago, I discovered I'm an empath. I always knew, even as a child, that I felt others pain, but it was good to discover that intense sensitivity had a name. Empath Guide defines it well: Criticism, suffering, hurt, humiliation, shame are hard enough for me to bear. Watching others feel them is agonizing. Knowing I'm an empath explains a lot about my interpersonal struggles. It can ruin or heal relationships. Mental Health: How Being an Empath Can Ruin Relationships

Natural Weight Loss Supplements, Fat Burners

2013-03-13T16:50:00.001-04:00

I put on 100 pounds after losing two babies and taking an antidepressent. That's me at a heavier point in 2012. I started dieting 18 months ago, but got serious about it six months ago. I began counting calories in earnest and weeding out junk food out. Then I tried some herbal supplements that have really boosted the weight loss. I'd shaved off 55 pounds when I wrote this. Now I've lost 98 total. Right is me in March 2014. I've waited to recommend them to see if they really work and they do. If you're trying to lose weight here, are diet supplements to help. Natural Weight Loss Supplements, Fat Burners

Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Emotionally Healthy Couples

2012-08-09T18:45:00.001-04:00

Starting a relationship with a significant other can bring much happiness. As with marriage, there's a honeymoon phase where you float above problems and always get along. But the honeymoon doesn't last forever. And if some ground rules aren't put in place early on, the relationship will crumble quickly. As the relationship progresses and depending on what level it gets to, more definition may be added. Here are some must-have rules. Four Must-Have Relationship Rules of Engagement

25 Drug-Free Therapies to Treat Menopause Depression, Anxiety

2012-02-02T18:44:00.002-05:00

Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, and PMS (pre-menstrual syndrome): I struggle with each to a varying degree. For seven years I took the antidepressant Paxil (paroxetine), but I put on weight at an alarming rate. When I entered menopause, it felt like I had PMS every day. My depression and panic attacks escalated. I decided to quit and find ways to treat emotional distress without medication. Here are 25 drug-free therapies that have kept me off antidepressants and helped me to lose weight and feel better.Read more at: 25 Drug-Free Therapies to Treat Menopause Depression, Anxiety

Cognitive-Behavioral "Talk Therapy" Helps Teen Depression, Suicide, Schizophrenia

2011-10-11T19:43:00.003-04:00

Schizophrenia Talk Therapy Success Encouraging for Teen Depression, Suicide New research shows that talk therapy, or Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, is having success with schizophrenics, many of whom are teens and young adults. These findings are encouraging for parents; they demonstrate that CBT can help with teen depression and suicide prevention, too. Here's how.

Daily Strength: Online Support Group When You Can't Make a 12-Step

2011-01-20T16:58:00.000-05:00

I write many articles on self-help, emotional health, physical health, relationship issues and 12 Step programs. In exploring emotional, physical and psychological health issues, I always want to provide resources. DailyStrength.org is one such resource. Dailystrength.org (click here) is a comprehensive online support group network. Dailystrength.org links people with hundreds of online support groups on everything from parenting issues, health issues, addiction recovery, substance abuse, survivor issues, mental health, 12 step programs and every kind of support group in between. Read more...

How to Set Boundaries for Holiday Guests and Be a Good Guest

2010-12-21T20:23:00.000-05:00

The holidays represent different things for different people. For many people, the holidays mean parties, entertaining and house guests, which means extra work and preparation. Can you be a good hostess and set boundaries for house guests? Absolutely. In fact, if you don't set some expectations, you may wind up in your local hospital psych ward with HSD - Holiday Stress Disorder (term mine). Here is a list of expectations, boundaries and protocol for house guests. Read more...

Panic Attacks as Coping and Defense Mechanisms

2010-10-08T20:31:00.002-04:00

Panic Attack as Coping and Defense Mechanism for Stress and Crisis
'Existential crisis' refers to experiences of extreme stress or that shake a person's core convictions. In response to 'existential crisis' stress, the mind may go into safety mode. Panic attacks can be defense and coping mechanisms.
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AA and Alanon Slogan and Recovery: But for the Grace of God

2010-09-13T19:05:00.000-04:00

AA and Alanon Slogans: But for the Grace of God
The 12 Step AA and Al-Anon programs describes their beliefs this way: 'spiritual but not religious'. We recognize a Higher Power in AA and Al-Anon, whom some of us choose to call God. 'But for the Grace of God' refers to our higher power.
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AA Sayings, Alanon Slogans and Recovery: Just for Today

2010-09-13T18:52:00.000-04:00

AA Saying, Alanon Slogans: Just for Today
AA and Alanon are known for their 12 Step program which guide recovering alcoholics and co-dependent people through self-help steps. AA and Al Anon also use slogans and sayings in the recovery process. 'Just for Today' is a popular AA and Alanon slogan.
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AA and Alanon Slogans: Using HALT for Depression, Codependent Behavior and Detachment

2010-09-06T15:33:00.000-04:00

AA and Alanon Slogans: Using HALT in Recovery and Treating Depression
In working a 12-step program like AA and Al-Anon, an important recovery and self-help tool is the acronym HALT. Whenever I feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired, I need to HALT, identify this need and address it. Here's how HALT works.
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Alcoholic Addictive and Dry Drunk Crazy Making Behavior

2010-09-03T01:43:00.000-04:00

Codependence and Recovery: Profile of Alcoholic Addictive Behavior What is alcoholic behavior? Al-Anon calls it 'crazy-making behavior'. Whether the person engaging in alcoholic behavior is drunk or just acting like it, alcoholic behavior is disturbing, frightening and impossible to interact with. Read More

Communication Skills in Alcoholic Addictive Behavior

2010-09-03T01:38:00.001-04:00

Addictive and Alcoholic Behavior: Poor Communication Skills
Alcoholic and addictive behavior makes for very poor communication skills. Addict talk in confusing and often counter-productive. Alcoholic behavior doesn't listen to others. Addicts are self-centered and often unable to maintain relationships.
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Codependent Enabling Behavior, Recovery and Detachment

2010-09-03T01:34:00.000-04:00

Codependent Enabling Behavior in Response to Alcoholic Addictive Behavior What is codependent or enabling behavior? Codependent behavior fuels alcoholic stinkin' thinkin' (toxic addictive thoughts that impell the non-addict to try and fix the addict's behavior). Enabling behavior is fueld by stinkin thinkin. Co-dependents care-take, ignore the elephant in the living room and excuse crazy behavior. Read More

Pity Party: When Low Self-Esteem Becomes a Weapon

2010-09-03T01:28:00.000-04:00

There's a newish term called crybully which aptly describes a hidden type of bullying. Crybullying is passive aggressively bullying another person by calling them out as the bully. It is part blame-shifting, DARVO, projection and transference of responsibility off from the actual perpetrator and onto the victim. And another part of it is weaponized "low self-esteem" or self-pitying narcissistic injury cloaked as low self-esteem.

The crybully in usually a narcissist who uses his self-professed low self-esteem as a crutch and an excuse for toxic behavior. He says things like

(heavy sigh) I don't think anything of myself. Don't expect anything of me. I can't be held to normal rules because I am suffering. You can't judge me anymore harshly than I already judge myself." Translation: oh woe is me, nobody understands me, how I've suffered, you're all out to get me, yada yada.

The problem with this type of stinkin' thinkin' is that it usually comes out because someone has confronted the crybully with his own bad behavior. He has experienced narcissistic injury and he doesn't like it. That's not a real injury. It's a kick to his inflated ego.

This toxic behavior twists your words to make himself sound like the poor picked-on little boy. In reality, what you said was probably not terribly inflammatory. However because you confronted his words or behavior, you didn't hide and cover up, you walked into the elephant in the living room instead of around it, the crybully goes into 'poor me' mode.

But instead of just coming out swinging, the crybully uses emotional black mail. He hides and his passive-aggressive, underhanded nasty words and behaviors behind a smokescreen of low self-esteem. He defends his actions by claiming to feel so "terrible" about himself and can't help it. No compassionate person is going to question the motives and actions of a person who already feels low about himself.

It's in the bully's best interest that others see him as the victim, the wronged one, the poor innocent. It's important for him to use his low self -esteem to protect himself from having to accept any responsibility for his actions. When you confronted his behavior you made him vulnerable because you exposed his self-esteem as a crutch, a tool and even a weapon.

Low self-esteem can be a weapon, you ask? Absolutely. Here's how. When you confront a bully on his unacceptable behavior, his cover is blown. When you call it what it is, he can't hide behind the "poor me" facade anymore. And that's when he shows his true colors, in narcissistic rage. A person with truly low self-esteem already believes the worst about themselves. If you confront us, we go into the grovel fawn trauma response. We abase ourselves. We accept full responsibility and feel intense guilt. We don't make excuses. In fact we take on everyone else's shame as well.

So the fact that the crybully narcissist reacts with affronted rage to your confrontation of his behavior, proves he think very highly of himself. He feels self-righteous entitlement to lash out because his "rights" to whatever he imagines he has a right to have been "violated." His behavior is far more bullying and abusive than anything you supposedly did to him.

Suddenly his 'low self-esteem' doesn't seem like a handicap for him, but a weapon that he wields with deadly accuracy. People feel sorry for people with low self-esteem. They hate and fear bullies. Don't let the crybully fool you with excuses of low self-esteem. Those who truly struggle with self-esteem don't often talk about it and when they do, they do not use it as a crutch, tool or weapon.

How to Detach from Stinking Thinking, Bullying, Codependency

2010-09-03T01:24:00.000-04:00

Al-anon coined a useful phrase for toxic thinking behavior called "stinkin thinkin." In speech, it's called "word salad" (a toxic barrage blame-shame shifting, gaslighting, insults and narcissistic abuse). Are you in a relationship with someone struggling with stinking thinking and toxic behavior? If someone you love has stinking thinking with toxic behavior you need to detach. Your job is to keep yourself safe. What is toxic behavior? Basically it's any behavior engaged in by someone you love that is hurtful to you. It includes but isn't limited to:

rudeness
sarcastic comments
mocking
patronizing (mansplaining)
dehumanizing
insults
lying
denying reality
passive-aggressive behavior
scolding and shaming
humiliating
projection of blame
scapegoating

What is stinking thinking? It's the grease that keeps the toxic behavior going. Stinking thinking is unhealthy self-talk, self-pity, shame, pouting, reaction formation, blame-shifting, resentment and narcissistic rage. Al-anon uses this term to explain how our toxic thoughts drive toxic behavior.

Detaching from toxic behavior and stinking thinking is may look different from person to person. Some people find that the only way to get unstuck or detach from the toxic behavior and stinking thinking is to go no contact and cut themselves off completely via divorce, a physical move, etc. In other situations, other methods may work, such as self-talk, emotional and mental detachment and periods of isolation.

One of the best tools for detachment is to recognize toxic behavior and stinking thinking for what it is and then learn to read the red flag warning signs that an episode of toxic behavior is looming. If you've been in a relationship with stinking thinking, you can sense when an episode is coming on. Sometimes you have warning; other times it's out of the blue. But you can start to "read" the vibes the person is giving out.

By admitting that the behavior is toxic, you start to diffuse it's harm to you. Pretending it's something else doesn't work. A person bent on making you feel will succeed sooner or later. Gaslighting yourself that

"you heard it wrong"

"he didn't mean it"

or any of the other many excuses we codependent people make for aggressive, antagonistic, narcissistic behavior only prolongs the pain.

Another tool is radical acceptance that the toxic behavior and stinking thinking are real and really happening. When you see it coming, cut it off at the pass. Recognize the toxic behavior and stinking thinking before it has a chance to harm you. Avoid the tar pit. Walk around. Getting stuck in stinking thinking and toxic behavior has a nasty habit of making the victim respond with toxic behavior. Don't go there.

When you see the storm brewing, practice what I call detachment by avoidance. Detaching by avoidance isn't always observable to others. I am learning to detach in my mind. I don't react to baited comments, suggestive remarks, sarcastic jibes, vicious talk, swearing, innuendos and verbal traps. These are toxic behavior and stinking thinking traps designed to lure me into the arena. These are red flags, designed to get me to 'see red' literally and come out charging.

Well, I'm not a bull but I know bull poop when I see it. Toxic behavior in the form of rude comments or underhanded remarks, is bull poop. Plain and simple. I am learning how to neatly sidestep piles of bull poop and go on my way, untainted. It's not easy. I've stepped in the toxic mess more times than I care to count. And I probably will again. But like the great quit smoking motto, I 'don't' quit quitting'. I get up, clean myself off and get back on track.

Will the person with the stinking thinking get better? That's not given to me to know. of course I hope for healthy behavior. Healthy people are happy people. All I can do is work my own program, detach when needed and be glad that life is 'one day at a time'. For more on this topic, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com

Alanon and the Blame Shame Game

2010-09-03T01:20:00.001-04:00

Understanding How to Play the Blame Shame Game
The Blame-Shame Game is a term used in psychology and 12-Step recovery programs to explain behavior that is prompted by blame or shame. The blame-shame game is an avoidance and projection coping mechanism. Here's what it looks like and how to avoid it.
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AA Slogans for Emotional Health: Keep it Clean

2010-09-01T21:48:00.000-04:00

Relationship and Emotional Health Help: Alanon Slogan 'Keep it Clean'

Al-Anon and AA (Alcoholics Anonymous)provide a great toolkit for emotional health. It's called the Al-Anon Slogans. Part of recovery from addiction or emotional illness includes 'Keep it clean' in relationships. 'Keep it clean' means that in your dealings with others, keep the strands of thread separate. You're a big boy/girl. You know the difference between trouble at work and trouble at home. Keep it straight and keep it clean.

Whatever you are experiencing, no matter how negative, it is never appropriate to take advantage of an innocent bystander. 'Trouble shared is trouble halved' is an old saying. But there is a huge difference between sharing troubles in a non-confrontational safe way and making them part of the problem. If you are taking advantage of your spouse's support, encouragement, listening ear and willingness to share your burden, shame on you if you take advantage of that love. Because your spouse is willing to share your trials, does not make him/her your personal toxic waste dump. If you expect your spouse to be there for you, be there for him/her when they need you. And don't pollute the waters of your relationships by dragging your own demons into your relationship and expecting him/her to rescue you. Problems at work? Boss picking on you? Don't drag your spouse into the mud. It isn't his/her fault that you have problems at work and it's not his/her responsibility to fix them.

Is one (or all) of your kids bugging you? Is your mother, brother, family member driving you crazy? This is not your spouses problem and if you try to make him/her responsible for it because she/he isn't bailing you out, be prepared for hell on earth at home. If you are so lazy and selfish that you believe that it's fine for you to harass, pester, undermine, insult and hurt innocent people because you are having trouble, you don't deserve a relationship. Pull up your big boy/girl panties and wake up. The world doesn't revolve around you. There is a higher power in the universe but you are not it. Everyone else has problems, worries, frustrations, pain and suffering. It called the human condition. If you can't or won't accept that fact, do yourself and everyone else a favor. Go live in a cave where you won't be a thorn in everyone else's side. If you can't pull your fair share in this world and own your own problems and pain, then get out of the race now. Don't expect anyone else to be your conscience, emotional crutch or personal leaning post.

For more straight talk on relationships, emotional issues and recovery, visit me at www.onintimacy.blogspot.com and www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com

AA and Al-Anon Slogans: Progress Not Perfection

2010-07-17T03:09:00.000-04:00

Al-Anon has some excellent slogans for relieving stress and achieving some emotional balance. 'Progress not Perfection' is very healthy slogan. No one person is ever a finished product. Seeking perfection in yourself or others is a black hole. By that I mean, constantly striving to be perfect in every way or by expecting others to do so, is a sure downward spiral in anxiety and depression.

Shouldn't I strive to be the best person I can be? Absolutely. And the key parts of that phrase are 'strive' and 'best I can be'. Strive is an infinitive verb, not a superlative or comparative. We aren't running a race against anyone. We are climbing a mountain. The only competition is to strive for personal best. Life can't be a competition because the playing field isn't level. And we are not automatons that can be calibrated. We are complex multi-dimensional organic creatures. We each of us carries her own back pack of variables, life experiences, learned behaviors and coping skills.

Stress abounds when I turn every aspect of life into a competitive match. Who is the prettiest, wealthiest, smartest, best singer, best baseball player, most popular? Some situations present unavoidable competition; others are artificially constructed to be competitive (coping in the workplace for example). As much as possible to reduce stress and live in health and peace, concentrate on your personal best, regardless of what others would, should or could do.

And what constitutes 'personal best' changes from day to day. Some days, I can almost move mountains. Other days, it's a chore to lift my head off from the pillow. Strive indicates a ongoing, one day at a time process. Life is a journey, not a destination. We fall off the bike, get derailed and fail. But the path is still there waiting. Life has no deadline, no finish line, no time table. This doesn't mean I shouldn't set personal goals. But if the goal is unrealistic, or for whatever reason, I can't or don't complete the goal, there is absolutely no reason to despair.

Often we set such lofty and unfair goals for ourselves that failure is a given. Try setting smaller, more realistic short term goals. You weren't able to write 10 articles in a day? Don't feel guilty. Reset your goal to a more manageable one; try for 3 a day and then when you do 5, you can feel like a super hero. Be nice to yourself. Reward the effort as well as the success. Time is a continuum; it's not static. If I don't finish college this semester, do it next semester. Try again. And again.

Al-Anon has another slogan the gels well with 'practice not perfection'; 'don't quit quitting'. Said differently, 'keep on keeping on.' The worst thing you can do to yourself, and this sends stress cortisol levels through the roof, is to berate and antagonize yourself. Doubtless if your friend was suffering, you'd be there for her. Now be there for yourself. The more a person practices his own program, the healthier we all are. For more Al-Anon slogan meditations, visit me at www.emotionalhealthhelp.blogspot.com.