Matters of the Heartt

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2009-12-23T20:25:00.001-08:00

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A LETTER FROM DEATH ROW: APPARENTLY A REAL MOVIE

2009-03-14T16:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes people do stupid things when they don't have full time work. Sometimes those stupid things include watching the E! True Hollywood Story of Bret Michaels. In case you haven't put the pieces together, I watched the E! True Hollywood Story of Bret Michaels earlier today, and in addition to be generally amazing, I saw him talk about THIS FUCKING THING:

Yeah.

Bret Michaels wrote and directed a film, with Martin Sheen and Charlie Sheen in it, and starring Bret Michaels as a guy on death row who may or may not be guilty of killing a stripper and then whining about it for 90 minutes and shaving his head.

But the most interesting thing about this story is that it is apparently real. Here is its IMDB page, and here it is for sale on Amazon for like $30. I have to get my hands on this movie. If anyone has any information on this film, please leave it in the comments.

THIS PERSON: THEY LOOK LIKE THAT PERSON

2009-03-13T14:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that sometimes people look like other people? THAT SHIT IS CRAZY. Okay so anyway, I can't think of a good way to address that fact that Walter Matthau looks exactly like Saddam Hussein. Because he totally fucking does. Check it.

Those guys totally look alike. And they are both totally dead. If one of them was dead and the other weren't, that shit would be offensive. But Walter Matthau died like 9 years ago, and Saddam died in that dark place on a rope (I saw the cell phone video, dude, he's totally dead). RIP (Walter Matthau, not Saddam Hussein. That guy sucked).

So sometimes other people like like people too, and neither of them are Walter Matthau. Have you ever noticed that too? Yeah, I do. So here are a few other people that look alike. Behold, Dakota Fanning and Gollum. Behold!

Oh man, that kid is so ugly, and a terrible actor. And that weird little guy is just like, a computer cartoon, but he is still better than her. So, what have we learned? We learned that sometimes people look like other people, and sometimes like computer cartoons thingies, and sometimes those people are also dead.

EIGHTIES SHIT, A GOOD CONVERSATION STARTER

2009-03-12T21:33:00.001-07:00

So, all the blogs are a-twitter (not twittering. you fuckers.) with the joys of rediscovering eighties and nineties cartoon theme songs on youtube. Which is fun, but just as cheap as when new friends want to know if you remember Legends of the Hidden Temple and the AgroCrag and stuff. Except, they're not even doing it right! They're skippin' straight to Hey Dude instead of opening with Pete & Pete. Morons.

So, someone needs to do it right. And I guess that's leaves it up to us here at Matters of the Heartt...

HEYYOUGUYS. Remember this wacky cartoon that had cows as cowboys? I used to watch that shit all the time. lololololololz. I found this video on youtube! Memory lane! Are we friends yet?

LIMP BIZKIT RETURNS TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL

2009-03-11T14:54:00.000-07:00

Limp Bizkit announced sometime last week that, out of a dislike for the state of the current musical scene (NEED BEER MONY PLZ HELP), they will be reuniting, touring, and puting out a record. As we all brace for their inevitable tour with Papa Roach and Insane Clown Posse (get your RIZE ready, Juggaloes!), I decided to do some focused YouTube scouring, instead of my normal aimless perusal of car crash videos.

I put my mind to finding some awesome videos of high school bands covering the Bizkit, and drunk morons at karaoke howling "It's just one of those days!" There were dozens, obviously, because nothing beats admitting that your band can actually not write a better song than Limp Bizkit. But as I watched them, a trend emerged: every single cover was not that bad, for some reason. Normally they are a massive step down from the original song, but not these. They were consistently as good, or better, than the originals. And why is this? Because Limp Bizkit, it turns out, performs their own songs as poorly as they could possibly be performed. They play their own songs worse than a bunch of 15 year olds in their parents' garage. And that is a serious accomplishment.

Except this guy. He is worse than them. He REEEAALLLY sucks.

MASTODON'S "DIVINATIONS": LOL-CORE

2009-03-09T17:07:00.000-07:00

Mastodon 'dropped' (so hip, dude) this video last week, and it's taken me about that long to process everything going on in it. The dudes climb a snowy fake mountain up to a guy frozen in fake ice, then free him with a bitchin' guitar solo, and then he plays a bitchin' guitar solo. Also present: naked chick, hairy dude, and a ghetto yeti. In metal videos, any one of these items would be par for the course. But combined? It's fucking Mastodon.

Mastodon - New Music - More Music Videos

Now if it were some other stupid band doing this, it could easily be explained by a bunch of eternally adolescent dumbasses combining everything they find to be bad-ass in one 4-minute collage of nonsense and RAWK. But for some reason, I get the impression that this isn't serious. Can anyone confirm this? Can anyone actually tell me whether or not this is the stupidest video ever, or if it's actually a hilarious parody?

Whether or not it's a joke or real, does it remind anybody else of this (which was a joke)?

ROCK OF LOVE BUS: PEOPLE WHO EAT BASIL ARE LAME

2009-03-08T20:22:00.000-07:00

I have... no words. My girls are back.

DEATH CAB SCORES AGAIN, MAKES ME SAD

2009-02-27T23:37:00.000-08:00

Death Cab For Cutie released their video for "Grapevine Fires" off of their most recent album, Narrow Stairs, today, and it is amazing. OBSERVE:

If that doesn't make you sad then... you are really hard to... make sad. It made me sad, is what I'm trying to say. And you know what I want to do when I'm sad? Listen to Death Cab For Cutie. When this video makes depresses me, I'm looking to spend my music dollar listening to DCFC, keeping my sweet sad buzz on. Looks like you got the last laugh on this one, Ben Gibbard. Touche, my friend. You have the misery market cornered.

P.S. Sorry about the weird player, it wasn't on Youtube, because sometimes the internet throws you a curveball, and you have to apologize it on your low-level culture blog. It's called Serendipity, y'all. LIVE WITH IT.

HUMAN HIGHWAY: THE SOUND, IN TERMS OF JACK IN THE BOX TACO NACHOS

2009-02-25T18:21:00.000-08:00

Since this is some kind of blog about music and TV and movies and the internet, I wanted to blog about this today:

It is the new Human Highway (featuring Nick Diamonds of Islands and The Unicorns and Jim Guthrie of... Jim Guthrie) music video for their incredibly pleasant song "The Sound." Anyway, I wanted to blog about that today, but something came up. And it was THIS:

I was walking past a Jack In The Box today on my way to a movie and saw an ad in their window for the new Taco Nachos. That's right, bitches, Taco fucking Nachos. They chopped some terrible J-Box tacos, covered them in nacho cheese, and... there you go. $1.99. DONE.

I am not going to not write about this disgusting pile of food. But at the same time, I have an obligation to culture to write things about it. So I decided to reconcile this by writing about "The Sound" in terms of the J to the B Taco Nachos.

The song was pleasant to begin with, not unlike the Jack in the Box tacos before this modification. It already made me happy, but they decided to go the extra mile. The visuals, in this case, become like the ooey gooey neon cheese festooning the dish, bringing a different complementary element to the proceedings. Both pieces, upon completion, give you a feeling of lethargic satisfaction, with the song paving the way for a contended nap, and the nachos leaving the consumer ready to vomit and lie down.

Haha, just kidding. The song is great, the video is original and cool, and the Taco Nachos were horrendous. But i was watching the video while eating the nachos.

Get well soon, Jack!

CRAPWATCH 2009: ROCKVILLE, CA

2009-02-24T14:06:00.000-08:00

Oh man, trailers are out for Rockville, CA and it looks HORRIBLE. Check it:

This is some kind of show about a concert venue, and it's partially based around the musical guest. Kind of like if The O.C. took place entirely in the Bait Shop, and was the most horrible thing ever to happen to television.

The show has a sad mix of cool kids and misfits, but it gets confusing. In shows like this, it's always hard to tell who are the misfits and who are the popular kids, since everybody is good looking models. So here's an easy guide:

Blonde - Cool kid
Sweater - Misfit
Cargo shorts/pants - Cool kid
Glasses - Misfit

The greatest injustice that this show has perpetrated is that I HAVE TO WATCH AN EPISODE. Phantom Planet is the musical guest on one episode, and I'm too weak to just wait and watch it on the internet the next day. Sad.

Get ready for this one, everybody. Should I blog it? Does it need to be a weekly feature? Can I ever come to terms with the fact that Rock of Love Bus will one day finish out its season, and I'll have to blog about other things? I don't even want to think about it.

TALKING ABOUT LOST: I HAVE NEVER WATCHED LOST

2009-02-23T14:43:00.000-08:00

VH1 is pissing me off this week, AGAIN. Apparently, there is no Rock of Love Bus on this week, or next week. Apparently, they needed lots of extra space in the schedule for the horrible, horrible show I Love Money 2. Which sucks ass. So what this means for you readers is that I will have to find new things to blog about. And what does everyone blog about? Lost.

There are a few problems with that plan, though. First is that I've never watched Lost. Ever. I've seen clips of it, sure, and plenty of commercials, but I've never seen the stupid thing. Second, I don't know anything about it except that it's mysterious and is on an island and that the fat guy from Becker plays the fat guy on the island, with one of the guys that was a hobbit, I think. That's all. But in the interest of entertainment (mine, not yours. I'm bored) I've decided to try blogging about Lost. The following are my predictions for the mystery/ending of Lost.

-The island is actually a magic spaceship
-The inhabitants of the island are actually incredibly unaware robots, unaware of the fact that they are robots, as well as unaware of the fact that they are actually trapped inside of the bathroom at Arby's, instead of a desert island/magical spaceship.
-The strange happenstances turn out to be the work of evil space dinosaurs!

-The island turns out to be a pile of DVD's of the 2005 movie The Island, starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johansson's breasts.
-The Smoke Monster:turns out to actually just be Pigpen from Peanuts.
-This entire show has just been a marketing ploy to promote Burger King's new Island Burger, with 2 meat patties, poi, and a slice of pineapple. Delicious!
-The characters all just walk off the soundstage and go eat in the studio's cafeteria, and discover that they could've just left the island the whole time, since it was only a television show, and not really worth worrying about so damn much. META.

So, I hope this has cleared up any questions you might have about Lost. But it really only would if your questions were "does Evan watch Lost?" or "What was the name of the dad on Dinosaurs?" You're welcome.

THIS PUPPET MAKES ME HAPPY

2009-02-20T00:08:00.000-08:00

So Weight Watchers has a new, completely awesome marketing tool: this fuzzy little bro named Hungry. And he is fucking awesome. BEHOLD!

So he is a happy orange puppet who gives you pizza and sandwiches. I don't really get if Weight Watchers is casting him as the villain or what, but he is my hero. It used to be Spiderman, but now it is totally Hungry. Seriously, what the fuck do I have to do to get that thing to come to my house and try and tempt me with sandwiches?

TOP CHEF: SEASON 5 IS OVER

2009-02-18T23:13:00.000-08:00

FABIO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I LOVE YOU!!!

ROCK OF LOVE BUS: MUD BOWL IS NOT SEXY

2009-02-18T16:18:00.000-08:00

This:

is NOT SEXY.

I just wanted to get that out of the way at the beginning of this. The first half of this mediocre episode is predicated on the notion that skanky women covered in mud is sexy, and since I can not acknowledge that statement as true, the episode loses a lot of its dramatic power and momentum early on. I just don't find it attractive. But I guess that's why I am here, and not singing songs about comparing women to cars or tigers or whatever the fuck Bret Michaels is singing about these days.

I bring up this point because this week the girls travel to Nashville, TN, and compete in the third annual "Bret Michaels hates women slut-athlon!" I mean Mud Bowl, whatever. It is a Rock of Love tradition, and I'm just happy that Bret is finally getting down to important things he is looking for in a mate: her ability to play football in the mud while being sprayed with a hose manned by these gentlemen:

SEXY? NO.

The girls are divided into two teams, those teams being the Sweethearts and the Fallen Angels. Bret was probably hoping they would divide into shirts and skins, but in the words of much more talented, actual musicians, "you can't always get what you want, you misogynistic douchebag." I am paraphrasing, of course.

Ashley led her team, the Fallen Angels, to failure with her brilliant strategy of pulling off all the hot pants she could get her hands on. Possibly because that strategy has nothing to do with football, but everything to do with giving Bret a boner (thankfully, we at home were spared the view of many a mud-spattered vagina by the benevolent censor boxes. THANK YOU JESUS). Mindy, on the other hand, used her pointy face to glide through the defense and earn herself a special solo overnight date with Bret. This basically means that Bret is getting sick and tired of hanging out with the girls normally, like humans, and upon discovering last week that they are willing to have sex with him (thanks, Ashley) he is auctioning off the right to be his concubine. Congrats, Mindy!

For her date, Bret takes her on a private jet to Texas for his show. Now, let me review some information for you: Bret brought the girls to stay in TENESSEE. His show is in TEXAS. Mindy thinks it is glamorous that he flies her to TEXAS in a private plane. I thought the point of three fucking tour-buses was that you could at least get approximately close to the venue where you are performing. Or at least, you know, THE SAME FUCKING STATE.

Mindy gets to watch Bret's amazing show, which is obviously at a casino (where all art takes place). Then he takes her back to his hotel room for his "final encore" as he call it (Ugh). She comes out of the bathroom after freshening up, and the blur technicians are back to work! Breaks over, nerds!

With her nipples at the ready, Bret brings Mindy back to the bedroom of their luxuriously ordniary hotel suite and defiles her. Meanwhile, back at the ranch (the whore ranch), Jenny (who? I know, seriously. She's one of the new girls, I guess) gets the bad news that her dad died. What better place to find that out than in Nashville with Ashley (girl's got more Crabs than Ivar's! BURNNN!). But she decides she wants to soldier on, since her dad wouldn't want her to quit. Too bad he didn't live to see her making her family proud on this circus of crap.

Bret finds out some guy he was knew who was also in the army just got blown up in Iraq, so he was all fuckin' mopey during his dinner date with the winning team The Sweethearts. His dates are getting worse and worse; bowling and nachos, sad sack dinner, having sex with him. The girls are going to have to start trying to avoid wining one of these things.

Nevermind that shit, it's elimination time! Taya is in regular form with her outfit of some kind of formal-whore evening gown and grapefruit-sized pearls.

Taya, please stop doing this. You are not going to a debutante ball, you are competing to give Bret Michaels some handjobs, okay? By the way, I hate to be all catty like the girls on the show, but my God, Beverly (in the white dress behind Taya, pictured above) looks like a ham. There, I've said my peace.

Bret kicks off Jenny, the new girl, because her dad died, and he doesn't want her to be sad all over the place, but he says it's so she doesn't get attacked by the other girls in her fragile state. Whatever, Bret, you're just worried she'll be crying slightly too loudly for you to be able to continue boning her.

Next week we see Kelsey and Farrah acting, as Big John puts it, "whorish" (SHOCKING), and then Kelsey lays in a parking lot sobbing and screaming. It looks awesome.

Best Buddies: Farrah, Ashley, Jamie (you didn't talk at all this episode! Haha!)

Boo Bitches: Taya, Brittanya, Mindy (Sex with Bret is an almost surefire way to get in this list. Unless you're Ashley, in which case you live entirely outside of rules and reality)

SASQUATCH: JUST THE STUFF THAT DOESN'T SUCK

2009-02-18T01:26:00.000-08:00

This week on this old internet I've grown to hate so dearly, everyone is carrying the story of the 2009 Sasquatch lineup. Now, I could cut and paste that list, just like everybody else does. I probably should, that would be better. But what I am doing is blogging something that nobody else has (until it starts getting picked up and pasted everywhere. probably tomorrow): the crap I want to see at Sasquatch.

Feel free to complain about my post and bitch about me leaving off your beloved boring Animal Collective and TVOTR, but I don't want to see them, and this blog is not meant to bring attention to things I don't like, such as perennially horrible headliner Jane's Addiction. Eugh.

These are the bands I want to see:
Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Decemberists, Of Montreal, Girl Talk, Tobacco, Monotonix, John Vanderslice, Black Moth Super Rainbow, Ra Ra Riot, and Dent May & His Magnificent Ukelele.

Comedians I want to see:
Demetri Martin, Zach Galafianakis, John Benjamin (Coach McGuirk, y'all).

Want to yell at me for not including the Mt. St. Helens Vietnam Band? Bring it to the comments, bitch.

ROCK OF LOVE BUS: MEET THE NEW WHORES, SAME AS THE OLD WHORES

2009-02-12T18:38:00.000-08:00

Rock of Love Bus was not on last week. Take that in. It took Emily and I awhile to process that. In case you are wondering why there has not been much Mattering of the Heartt lately, it's because of our inability to process that fact. We pretty much figured that the world had gone into some manner of disarray, and so we've spent the last week or so riding around on motorcycles wearing hockey masks and football pads, hijacking gas trucks with crossbows. (In reality, Emily and I have both been battling with the flu, but that is not as interesting as us in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, lamenting the loss of Bret over and over, long into the night.)

That being said, Rock of Love Bus was on this week. Last we checked, Marcia got kicked off last, but the buses roll on. This week they head to St' Louis, about which Bret remarks that he hopes "the gateway to the West will lead someone through the gateway to my heart,” because there is no better way to bang skanks than to quote a tourism catalog and equate it to his heart. Upon arriving in St. Louis (heretofore known as 'The gateway to Bret Michaels' heart' in their tourism literature) they pull into the parking lot for Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, a skeezy strip club founded by a lecherous cripple. ROMANCE.

The girls go inside the club, and instead of getting to gleefully flop their breasts out, they are beholden to three women on the stage that the producers did their best to disguise as ugly, ordinary people. Despite the fact that they are pretty, thin, and generously be-chested (except for the skinny hipster one). Man, I have no idea what's going to happen next.

The girls make them up to look like skank-ass hoes, obviously, and the three new girls get on the strip club stage and parade around for the discriminating Mr. Michaels. He likes them so much that he decides to take them along on the tour. Wait, scratch that; the producers decided that, since Bret eliminates anybody interesting this season, and they have to reach so hard for plot lines, that they needed to find three more whores (even though they ended up picking three more boring ones), parade them in front of Bret, and have him pretend to spontaneously bring them on tour with him. Yeah, that decision was so spur of the moment, that's why the girls already had their bags packed and were ready to hop on a bus for the next three weeks, because whatever Bret wants, Bret gets.

When he makes his SPONTANEOUS ANNOUNCEMENT THAT IS NOT AT ALL PLANNED, some of the girls clap, and Bret is offended that they would applaud him bringing in competition for them. He is unaware of the fact that they are oblivious morons, drifting in and out of reality, and they clap for everything he says. He is hurt.

Ashley is also hurt, which she expresses by going into Bret's trailer and crying, which he finds somewhat arousing. Because, if we learn nothing else form this show, let us at least learn that BRET MICHAELS HATES WOMEN. Obviously.

He takes the makeover team captains out for a boring date on a boat, and makes out with the pointy faced Mindy, then chats with Natasha, while wondering if she is a man, because he is a mature adult and not a giant child with hair extensions.

During his date, Brittanya starts screaming at one of the new girls, and threatens to beat the crap out of her. She is a lady of class. She is like Audrey Hepburn, crossed with Queen Elizabeth, but with fake boobs and ridiculous facial piercings and credit card debt.

After that, Bret takes the three new girls out on a date to a supremely douche-y bowling alley, where they drink beer in the middle of the day and eat nachos. How is it possible that this is the date he has selected, and yet women are actually competing to be with him. This show should be a way to weed out all the women in the country that should be turned into cat food. Like, they bring all these women to the auditions, and they all agree that they want to go on a date with Bret Michaels to T.G.I. Fridays for lunch, and then they drop a net on all of them and haul them off to the Purina factory. Problem solved.

After his date, Bret sends Big John to the hotel to fetch him Ashley (who may or may not want a cheeseburger). She is brought into his trailer where he plays a terrible song for her as she vacantly and greasily stares into space, then he brings her into the back little bed area and bangs the bejeezus out of her, and the audience is left to ponder which one of them respects Ashley less (the answer to that question is secret third option, ME). The other girls wig out, except Farrah, who laments not being there to hold the camera. Then she says what the French like 4 times, because that is what she does.

Elimination time! Bret surveys his idiotic women, dressed as though they were mail order brides about to be shipped off to their hideous suitors. Or maybe they looked more like drunk transvestites. Tough call. Regardless of what ugly thing you think the girls look like, Bret kicks off Natasha for being too much like a friend to him, and not enough of an aggressive slattern. I mean, for being black. Whatever.

So, in lieu of a meteor hitting wherever the hell Bret takes his trollops next, let's hope the crazy train of stupidity continues (with THREE NEW GIRLS!)

Worst bitches - Brittanya, Mindy, Farrah (what the French? SHUT UP)

Best bitches - Ashley, Ashley, Ashley (I sure hope they make cheeseburger flavored condoms).

YELP: IS HELPFUL

2009-02-04T23:38:00.000-08:00

Dear you guys,

I love yelp, okay? Nothing makes me happier than reading the opinion of other internet boners. Here is an example. Please read out loud for maximum helpfulness.

Love,
Emily

RE: THE SNUGGIE

2009-01-30T12:44:00.001-08:00

Can we talk about the Snuggie (SLANKET knock-off) for a moment? I know the internet is having a huge LOL-boner for it right now. And they deserve it, especially for their idiot commercials. But I'd just like to point out that genius Mindy Kaling (Kelly from the Office,) blogged it and LOVED it first. We don't have to agree with her choice to buy backwards robe for $60, but we do have to recognize that she's a very funny lady. And Evan and I wanna party with her. And that snuggie ripped of the Slanket, which is horrifying.

TAKEN: THE MOVIE WHERE LIAM NEESON KICKS PEOPLE

2009-01-29T23:55:00.000-08:00

Liam Neeson stars as the action hero ex-spy father of the annoyingly bubbly Kim Mills. He's a pleasant enough old man, until you kidnap his daughter and piss him off, at which point he stiltedly tells you that he's going to come and kick your Albanian ass, along with half the population of Europe.

In terms of plot, there's not much new ground covered in the film. You basically fill in the normal action movie formula with the little details, the details being a retired government operative, sex traffickers, and the city of Paris. The film draws heavily on its action predecessors, with its main character 'getting too old for this shit,' but he 'just wants his kid back,' and presumably he's also 'sick of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane.'

But if you're going to see Taken, you're probably not going for the story, which is paper-thin, or the acting, which is mediocre, or the writing, which is incredibly wooden. No, you're going for one reason: you want to see Liam Neeson kick people. Seriously, he kicks so many people in this movie, and does a damn fine job of it.

If you want to get the most out of the movie, I recommend getting there a half hour late. You miss the lame, heavily referenced backstory, and you just start with the awesome ass-kicking. You get to see Liam shoot his friend's wife in the arm, electrocute an evil foreigner to death, and beat the crap out of a cadre of thugs with nothing but his wits and a fire extinguisher, without any of the bad aftertaste of parental tenderness that preceded that awesomeness. And once the awesome gruff-talking, car-chasing, foreigner-kicking fun is over, get the hell out of the theater before you have to see anymore ridiculous heartwarming crap. That is not what you bought a ticket to see.

ROCK OF LOVE BUS: I WANT A CHEESEBURGER

2009-01-28T15:47:00.000-08:00

This was a tough week for the brave ladies of the Bus of Love (next year, perhaps a van, an RV possibly?). It's our first week without the beautiful Brittaney Starr. But our hearts will go on. Well, except for Maria (who I honest to god do not remember. I think I had her confused with Taya or something). Maria had to go to the hospital at the beginning of the episode due to a pre-existing condition (Syphilis) and now she's out of the running. So Bret goes to visit her in the hospital as the girls get 'dressed' for their next challenge, wearing a variety of swimsuits, lingerie, and other non-clothing items. Shocking.

They go to the crappy casino venue where Bret will be performing that night, and pick teams. 4 girls make it on the black team, 4 girls go on the red team, and Marcia, lucky duck that she is, gets to sit out and is automatically on the winning team. She celebrates her immunity by yelling at the other girl as they complete their challenge: disassembling a stage and packing it into a trailer. Which was funnier than it sounds.

Taya immediately starts bossing her team around (her team being Farrah, Mindy, and Kelsey) and telling them what to do. It must be hard to be authoritative while wearing a black vinyl french maid costume, but she did it. Then she fell off the stage - hard. She quickly scampered back up, no doubt spurred on by Bret's love, and got back to work. But about 30 seconds after she returns to her task, she starts sobbing, though continuing to disassemble the stage. Farrah decides to lend her support by... not helping with her stage, and yelling at her to shut up? Farrah is amazing, obviously. That has got to take talent.

Then Taya's team loses. I mean, the red team wins, comprised of Beverly (yay!), Ashley (ick), Brittanya (meh), and Mindy (who?). And then Kelsey gets to join them. There are a lot of stupid caveats in this episode, but it pays off in the end, don't worry kids.

The ladies go to the crappy casino, Bret-less now (he's sick, and nobody seems to care), and Ashley and Farrah make out, and it's not hot. Duh. But then, Oh No! Beverly is seen briefly, drunkenly kissing Bret's drummer after drinking massive amounts of Jaeger! No Bev!

But ever the observant one, Ashley sees her! And then throws chips or dice or something at her from across the craps table as she yells at her that she's a bitch and tells anyone that will listen that Beverly was making out with Bret's drummer. most people might call that an overreaction from someone who just made out with another woman, and is blackout drunk, but that is why most people are not Ashley.

Beverly tries to confront her about the event, at which point Ashley creates internet history by uttering the most effective argument settler in modern history:

As Beverly tries to open a dialogue with Ashley, Ashley repeats that she wants a cheeseburger 3 times, before drunkenly stumbling away to the bus to dance around, wear a hat, and vomit. It was an amazing night for all of us. Anytime someone wants to argue with me, from now on, there are only 4 words I need to say to shut them down. I want a cheeseburger. ARGUMENT OVER. Debate teams take note.

The next morning, the winning red team of yore get the ultimate reward: they get to go out to a really lame bar and have a midday beer with Mr. Michaels himself. Ashley reveals two special things about the night before: 1. Marcia got drunk at the concert and gave away a bracelet that Bret had given her, and 2. Beverly made out with some ugly guy with a blue mohawk (circa 1998) who is also Bret's drummer.

My thoughts exactly, Beverly.

Then comes elimination. Ashley gets her pass first, though all she ever wanted was a delicious cheeseburger. She is followed by the other skanks, except for Mindy the big whiny crybaby, Marcia the drunken drunk, and Beverly the cheating slattern. Long story short, he keeps whiny and cheatie, and gets rid of Marcia. She's too drunk all the time, too violent when she drinks, too much of a weird foreign bobblehead, and dammit, she gave away the tacky bracelet that Bret gave her, and that shit is unacceptable.

Fuck this, I want a cheeseburger.

Best: Farrah, Beverly, Ashley (SHE CAN HAZ CHEEZBURGER)

Worstest: Taya, Natasha, Mindy (whiny ho)

EVAN ON THE SLOG: MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D

2009-01-27T19:29:00.000-08:00

Since I can't be blogging here 24/7, sometimes I have to be blogging elsewhere. Like people say, A.B.B. Always be blogging. Or something. Anyway, here is a little blurb I wrote for Seattle liberal rag The Stranger about bizarre 3-dimensional festival of headaches My Bloody Valentine 3D.

MISS AMERICA 2009 | "THE BIGGER THE HAIR, THE CLOSER TO GOD!"

2009-01-24T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hi. So, I meant to blog Countdown to the Crown for ya'll. Even though it was only a four episode series, it was too awful. And all the way out of the way on TLC on Saturday nights. I just couldn't do it. But Evan is gonna buy me crepes this week, so I have to blog the Miss America Scholarship contest 2009. He'd better get me a big fuckin' crepe -- this thing is two hours long.

It opened with a gently choreographed dance routine to Maddona's "Tick Tock." They're wearing heels and jeans over black, 3/4 sleeve leotards. Mario Lopez struts around the stage trying to hit every camera so he can have as much air time as possible. Or maybe it's to distract us from noticing how many of the girls are off beat or out of sync tapping their glitter canes on the ground. Whoops!

At the end of Madonna's decidedly low impact track, they all line up for introductions! All 52 of them. But don't worry, Me! They're going to spice it up by working in a little trivia about their states.

Miss Alabama had the best when she reminded us that she was from the home state of Helen Keller. I guess Miss Missouri is the State with the lowest gas prices. Miss Illinois doesn't want us to forget that she's from Obama's state. Miss Maryland's state eats more crabs than hot dogs and hamburgers combined... etc.

Some are really awkward. Miss Idaho's "From the state that brought you the television, just don't become a couch potato -- I'm Miss Idaho." And Miss New York's "From the state where Babe Ruth hit his first home run, I'm Miss New York, and I'm gonna hit a home run too!"

I spaced out for awhile whilst I marveled at Miss Colorado's super lazy eye. But snapped back into it when Miss Oklahoma secret burned Mario Lopez -- she's from the state where "the weather changes more often than people ask Mario to take off his shirt."

Four contestants were selected during the Countdown to the Crown run, out of the girls who won golden sashes. America voted. They picked:

Miss South Dakota
Miss Georgia
Miss Indiana
Miss Alabama

Neat. I think this part would have mattered more if I'd stuck to watching Countdown to the Crown. I remember, Miss South Dakota said her family has been followed home by aliens on a couple different occasions. But the others, I didn't even mention in my last entry.

Next, Mario Lopez introduced us to the panel of celebrity judges!

Former Miss America and CEO of Paige Denim
Olympic Gold Medalist in Swimming, Micheal Phelp's Teammate
The Girl Who Played Elle in the Legally Blonde on Broadway Flop
The Casting Director for Weeds
Miss America 1999
Cheif Correspondant to Inside Edition
J.Lo's Hairstylist

Look at that crack team! They could not be more qualified to pick a girl to be Miss America -- the role model of little girls all over the midwest! A symbol of David's Bridal! And also a scholarship winner!

Next, we were introduced to the 11 finalists selected by the judges. Miss Michigan, Miss Delaware, Miss Arkansas, Miss Hawaii, Miss District of Columbia, Mis Iowa, Miss New York, Miss California, Miss Florida, Miss Kentucky, and Miss Tennessee. The rest of the girls were relegated to the couches at the back of the stage -- the Loser's Lounge, where Clinton from What Not to Wear was co-hosting from.

While they announced the finalists, they subjected us to soundbites from each girl. A little blurb from an interview on most embarassing moments ("One time, I tripped on stage.) Exciting ancedotes ("I skydived once.") And personal comments ("I am just optimistic. Really, I'm filled with eternal joy.")

A good way to get to know the girls now that they've been narrowed down to 15, especially since the only other words they'd speak tonight are during the 20 second Q&A. But really, who cares since we're just going to be watching them walk across the stage in swimsuits and evening gowns before they sing a song from high school musical.

Before they cut to commercial, they promised me swimsuit competition -- but when they came back they took a whole five minute to show some little kid shaped like Hannah Montana waving while they talked about her winning Miss Outstanding teen. Her teeth were huge. Just like Miley!

SWIMSUIT COMPETITON
I'm not trying to be like, "Gawd, fucking cookie cutter yuppies all look the same." But I can't comment on anybody because they are all tanned to the exact same skintone (even the black one... I mean, Miss Georgia!) and they all have the same body type. AND they're all crammed into the same cut and type of swimsuit because it was designed by the same company.

Miss Delaware's face is considerably lighter than her body. That's something, I guess.

And Mario Lopez keeps saying Hawai'i like "huhvai-eeee." Very authentic, guy.

It must be really hard to try to look sexy and still be in a scholarship competition. Sorry, Miss South Dakota (aka the Amazon,) Miss Alabama, and Miss Delaware -- you just didn't work it hard enough in your very bland swimsuits. ELIMINATED!

Haha, behind Mario Lopez there were tons of girls who weren't clapping as the winners were announced. I wonder if they are as over this competition as I am. Hold on girls, there's still like, an hour to go!

EVENING GOWNS
And now, the height of prom fashion exactly eight years ago! It's a skill to pick these dresses, people. A beautiful parade of dated silhouettes and bedazzler skills! Just think! If these idiots had just saved all the money they'd spent on the TACKIEST of evening gowns over the years that it took to get here, they wouldn't be in debt and need to win this scholarship!

Miss Michigan: An off the shoulder white gown with SPARKLE BRA. What the fuck, you crazy bitch.

Miss Tennessee: Flowy greician number. Relatively inoffensive.

Miss Hawaii: One shoulder yellow gown, flattering at least. We get it. You're from Hawaii. You're very colorful and cultural and different.

Miss California: Black strapless gown. Could not look more like a mom with her soccer mom bob.

Miss Georgia: Deep-V strapless gown. It's doing that thing where the bust floats over your boobs.

Miss Florida: A sparkly puce. Clinton was just ripping on that color in the re-run of What Not to Wear that aired before this. It could totally be an ice skating outfit if she lost the long sleeved and floor length sparkle lace overlay.

Miss Kentucky: A total drag queen version of old hollywood. Classic black number but sequined ALL OVER. Put on 20 pounds and Chris March can do your dress next year, honey.

Miss District of Columbia: A gold glitter gown. Very neu-Jem.

Miss Indiana: This is not a wedding dear. A strapless white mini dress with long sleeved, floor length lace overlay. She's not far off from that 16 year old who got hitched in the UK last year.

Miss Iowa: Best! It looks, like something Austin would make on Project runway. But she's walking super slow.

Miss Arkansas: Her favorite movie is the Little Mermaid. I'm pretty sure since she had Ariel's gown recreated.

Miss New York: Black floor length skirt with nude corset and some black feathery shit spraying up over the bust. Sucks.

Also, you just CANNOT wear most of these evening gowns anywhere. I would turn half of these bitches away if they showed up at my charity gala. Sparkle bra? Liquid silver? YOU CAN'T SHOW YOUR MIDDRIFF AND STILL BE WEARING AN EVENING GOWN! NOT ON TV. NOT AT PROM. NOT ANYWHERE EVER. WHO IS DOING THIS TO ME?!

TALENT COMPETITION

Then, the girls changed into more evening gowns so they could show us their special talents -- singing and dancing! Of course! But not together. And nothing else -- they split it right down the middle, with exactly five singers and five dance acts. Although, Miss Hawaii pulled it out with her Tahitian dance in some kind of wicked feather costume. Miss Georgia chose to sing a song from "the Wiz," it was very muffled and not as funny as I thought a song from the Wiz would be. Miss Florida did one of those cute dance numbers, where you act out everything that the song says. And then there was some more singing and ballet. And then tinkerbell came and did some flips all over the stage while the two girls who'd been eleminated sat in the dark.

And then I realized there were only about 30 minutes left of Miss America for me to endure!

QUESTION & ANSWER
I was pleasantly surprised that the Q&A section limited each girl to 20 second responses. Real Americans on the streets were filmed asking predictably bland questions about role models in the media and glass ceilings and education. And each girl did a predictably poor job of answering, by kind of repeating the question and then making a bee-line for the answer of champions PRIDE IN AMERICA. And also something about Miss America being a good opportunity to be a role model for others, if they had time.

Miss America 2008 came on stage to tell us that she is truly grateful for meeting all those sick kids at the children's miracle network. She also did some stuff for the troops, quitting smokers, eating disorders, and mental illnesses. She stood there for a good 2 minutes while her pre-recorded interview played on the big screens, just smiling and waving with those dead, dead eyes that I have come to know so well.

At last! The runners up were announced.

$10K Miss Florida and her puce gown.
$15K Miss New York
$20K Miss Iowa
$25K Miss Georgia

Pray for a scandal, Miss Georgia -- if Miss America has any raunchy myspace pictures in her past you get to be the one to lead those Indy 500 opening ceremonies and visit sick kids in the hospital!

And then, the winner.

Miss Indiana, in her awful wedding dress. With awful drum machine-y music in the background. People started to file out as soon as she was announced, they didn't even wait for her to start her waving and crying all over the stage.

That's pretty awesome that the other two didn't get anything. They had to stand up there on stage, thinking they could be Miss America and then they not only lose but they don't even get 4th runner up.

One of the girls fucked up the comb in he crown and her hair right before mario interviewed her so she looked like kind of a dumbass while she said than you. And it ended with all the girls around her trying to fix the comb while Miss America 2008 did a little dancing and bopping to the music all by her self. I could not care less.

Oh my gawwwwwd.

I am going to have a crepe with kiwi or blueberry. I wonder if they have some kind of lemon ice cream to go with it. That sounds really good.

ROCK OF LOVE THE BUS: STEALIN' MAD SOCKS, POPPIN' MAD TITTIES

2009-01-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

Rock of Bus is really not letting up this year, seriously. It is a good combination of the most human characters ever seen on reality TV (like Beverly, slightly boring though she may be), and bizarre cartoon characters (Brittaney Starr / Jasmineva, obviously). Let's all take a moment to commend the producers of this show for picking some of the most nutty people in the country and delaying their much-needed treatment by sticking them on this show and letting them try to devour an old washed up rocker.

So this week the girls have to play hockey with Lacey, and nobody cares. She remains a one-note, uninteresting foil, and life goes on, while the producers of the show try to turn her into New York. Good luck, but it takes a lot more undiagnosed bipolar disorder/incredible thirst for fame to be New York.

Beverly pretends she can't play hockey, but then it turns out she's moderately good at hockey!!! Dun dun DUNNNNNN!!! She and her team of miscreants (including that blogger's darling Brittaney) win a date with Bret to, of course, a strip club. If you don't know what happened at the strip club, then you obviously don't watch this show or hang out with whores, so I really envy you.

Now if you look really hard you'll see an arm on the left side of the screenshot. That arm belongs to Beverly, who is very unhappy to be at a strip club, and even moreso to have been forced onstage. Bret then takes her aside and calls her a buzzkill for not skankin' it up with her compatriots, while the other girls continue to frolic around in their sin. Wonderful.

Meanwhile back at the ranch, the girls are going through a variety of fun issues. Melissa popped one of her implants at the hockey game. she goes to the doctor and they tell her she indeed popped one of her ridiculous chesticles and also has torn tendons. After she refuses an STD test (CONJECTURE) she leaves and returns to the hotel with the other girls. But they reveal to Bret that they heard her on the phone last night! She was talking to her other boyfriend about how Bret sucks and has fake hair. Bret talks to her about this, because apparently it is okay for him to date 20 women at once, but her having a boyfriend is total crap, because this is VH1, not the women's rights network. She denies having talked to any boyfriend at all.

The girls also discover that Brittaney Starr had their socks. Brittaney later explained to them that, after the hockey game, she asked someone in authority at the hockey rink if she could have all the girl's sweaty, worn socks when they were done. The authority figure obliged her craziness, and Brittaney was absolved of the crime of stealing. Unfortunately, no explanation was given of why she wanted the socks, but who cares? She is already irredeemably crazy, sock-stealing or not.

Now we move onto elimination. Taya, one of my favorites who doesn't talk a whole damn lot in this episode, stands out from the rest of the girls in her sad porno prom dress, which I have highlighted below:

Everybody else is dressed like a bizarre prostitute though, so I guess she breaks even. Melissa is wearing some kind of strange flapper nightmare ensemble (pictured at the beginning of the post), but she is quickly eliminated as Bret tells her to "get the fuck out," proving that once a character gets too interesting, they are kicked off the show, while boring piles of makeup like Marcia get to stick around.

It's down to Brittaney Starr and Beverly for the elimination, and obviously to spite me, Brittaney is eliminated for being super fucking nuts. Let us pray that she gets her own show soon, or we are at least able to track her movements. Maybe with a radio collar.

Favorites: Beverly, Farrah, Taya (the den mother)

Worsties: Marcia, Ashley, Natasha (the token)

MONSTER JAM: JAMMED INTO YOUR FACE

2009-01-20T17:04:00.000-08:00

Oh god, I had a religious experience recently. If you're an avid reader of MotH (yeah, that's how it's abbreviated, take note kids), you'll recall that I asked for several items for Christmas. I received all but one of them: two tickets to Monster Jam, the annual Tacoma stop for a touring crappy monster truck show. I didn't pay much heed to the fact that I was missing it, until this came up in the news:

I could not have possibly made that up.

So I guess I have a guardian angel, apparently. But he didn't stop me from making these tasteless jokes to Emily when I heard about this tragedy:

-He must've been in the 'super-saver seats.'
-Good thing GRAAAAAVE DIIGERRRRRR was nearby.
-His funeral service will be held on SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAAAAYY!

I am going to hell. But so is Emily, she laughed.

GREEK;

2009-01-15T21:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes Evan's job includes perks. Like a fun date to free movies. Other times it means we have to spend a day getting drunk in my apartment because he has some kind of unbearable DVD. In case you missed it in the Stranger, like two weeks ago, this is how we wasted a weekend recently.

About three years late in TV’s recent slew of teen drama/comedies, ABC Family Channel’s GRΣΣK tells the annoying go-nowhere saga of a bunch of kids in the Greek system at the fictional Cyprus-Rhodes University. It combines all the intrigue of fraternity/sorority politics with the high drama of semi-casual relationships. If that doesn’t sound interesting to you, that’s because it isn’t.
Everybody at Cyprus-Rhodes seems to have the same problem: they can’t get over their ex-lovers. Rusty can’t get over Jen K., Cappie can’t get over Casey, Evan Chambers can’t get over Casey, and Casey can’t get over Cappie OR Evan Chambers! (These people are all as irritating as their stupid names would suggest.) Frankly, I can’t see why any of them can’t get over each other, since every character is so bland and middle-of-the-road, they’re nearly indistinguishable.

The tone of the show suffers from a similar problem: it can’t commit entirely to any one genre. It’s not funny enough to be a comedy, not dramatic enough to be a drama, and not interesting enough for me to watch ever again. I was a die-hard fan of The O.C. (before that surreal fourth season of garbage), a show that GRΣΣK mindlessly apes while missing what made it—and its recent idiot cousin Gossip Girl—so great: over-the-top crazy drama from good looking idiots.

If GRΣΣK cuts out the stupid plot devices like some teenager missing their old girlfriend (relatable! boring!), and starts having really stupid plot devices like someone doing porn to raise the money to pay their legal fees for killing their teacher, then I might start watching it. Maybe.