outside the lines.....

for unto us a child was born

2014-12-12T15:10:00.001-08:00

borderline personality disorder (BPD) is complex and I can only imagine what my daughter who has been recently diagnosed is feeling because I'm feeling pretty lost
and confused
and scared
and guilty
and angry
and sad

I've been reading a lot of books about BPD
how it's often misdiagnosed

when your child is a toddler you think - oh it's a phase -
the terrible twos......
......the awkward tweens........
.................................the rebellious teens....................................................................................

and then one day you look at her and see that she's the same age you were when you got married
and it's not a phase
she didn't out grow the rages, the black and white thinking, the anger

did I do something wrong?
why didn't I get her help sooner?
when I did get her help why didn't they help her?
so many labels have been tossed her way
ADHD
Sensory Integration
Bi-polar
Depression
- only none of them quite fit her and the prescribed/recommended treatments didn't help

the best way I can describe my daughter is like this

"there was a little girl
who had a little curl
right in the middle of her forehead
when she was good
when was very, very good
but when she was bad she was horrid"

I have had years of unsolicited advice from well intentioned family and friends

"she's just looking for attention"
"she's acting out"
"she's a brat"
followed with "you need to......"

she isn't a bad person- she has a heart as big as the universe and would give her last penny away to someone in need
she takes on other peoples problems because she wants to help them and ends up getting hurt
she's beautiful
and kind hearted
and loving
and so full of life and feelings
she just feels things differently than everyone else and more intensely

one other thing I am feeling is
HOPE
this is not a death sentence
in fact there are many testimonials from people who have been in the emotional roller coaster hell that is BPD
and with the help of therapy, medication and the love and support of family and friends she can live a fairly even life
it hurts to have to watch her go through what I can only describe as emotional growing pains
there are setbacks-
she'll stop her meds for whatever reason
or self medicate
or start self destructive behaviors
- like it's a test to see if I still love her- I STILL LOVE HER
There are days when I want to curl in a ball and cry - like I said before I can only imagine how she must be feeling- days when I ask god to give her pain to me because I'm her mom and I can do this because I don't want her to hurt anymore.
I'm strong- take me instead.

that's all

2014-05-05T13:10:00.001-07:00

i am

just

the dark side

2014-02-04T09:45:00.001-08:00

most people I know who live with mental illness describes it in a way that makes sense to them
my depression is a pit- a large black hole
for a long time it's been so far over there it's barely visible
lately it's been trying to seduce me into coming closer
reminding me how comfortable the dark side is-
how enveloping-
how safe-
crawl in here with me.....
it says with it's soft and sexy voice
like a lover
making promises
.
.
.
.
.
...depression lies

colored bright and sprinkled with glitter

2013-11-21T11:55:00.000-08:00

the opposite of depressed is manic
i have been in a manic phase the past few weeks- it doesn't happen often
in fact I can't remember the last time i was manic

i have been painting, knitting, sewing, collaging and creating
i can't turn my brain off
so many ideas are floating in my head

sketched onto papers
roughed out on canvas

pieces of that idea over there
parts of this one over here

the stuff leaning against the wall is important
take that home to have james cut it down

where did I put the______
glue
scissors
pencils
markers
tape
ribbon
brushes
....all of the above

poor james
he has never witnessed this part of my depression
i can't sleep and when i do it's restless and keeps him awake

but i don't want to DO anything to change this manic episode- i am creating such wonderful pieces
right now my world is filled with colors and shapes and textures

and if i try to fix it and level out again
the creative ideas will stop
and i will just trudge through my gray life again

to my 14 year old self....

2013-09-30T09:23:00.002-07:00

i work with a lot of kids on a daily basis
and because my classroom is a relaxed stress free environment i am privy to conversations with kids that most people aren't- things they worry about
the daily drama
the insecurities
if you could go back in time as your are now and give your 10 year old, 14 year old, 17 year old etc... self advice what would it be?

to my 14 year old self: you are an amazing and creative person with too many pictures in your head - start drawing- every day- get those pictures and ideas out onto paper. they don't need to be perfect nor do they need to be finished masterpieces. fill as many books and pads as you can with sketches and ideas - never stop observing and stop apologizing for not being good enough. you are enough of everything and more.

bringing back sexy

2013-09-04T10:01:00.001-07:00

i'm not sure or how it happened but somewhere along the way i lost my sexy
before you get all feminist in my face go check the link to the thesaurus on the word sexy ok?
i used to wear fun clothes
and flirty hair
and i had my own style

somewhere along the way i lost it

my oldest best friend's daughter has an online clothing boutique called "Hello Holiday"
wonderful clothing, shoes, accessories.....but one thing bothered me....i got this sense that fun and fashion and style sort of stops after 30

ok so maybe these two women haven't hit 30 yet

and when you are in your 20's a person in their 50's is like OLD as in- your mother's age!

but here i am at 52

inside somewhere buried deep- i'm still 24 and fun

i'm a few pounds and 4 babies bigger than i was at 24 but that
fun
sexy
vibrant
person is in there- somewhere

i am coaxing her out - in little bits- two weeks ago i bought some skinny jeans to wear this fall with my brown flat leather boots- nothing too drastic-

today i ordered a pair of shoes to also wear with my skinny jeans and a cute little cardigan sweater to wear over a cami from Hello Holliday

i know i will have a tummy roll - flat belly will never return
but i don't care!

i'm going to kick up these heels
put my red lipstick on
and go dancing

and bring back my sexy

guilt free- almost

2013-05-29T09:20:00.001-07:00

i was spending time on Pinterest and looking at all these DIY projects from up cycled wooden pallets to garden tips to making environmentally friends cleaning supplies
it was exhausting
yes ~ i should plant a garden- home grown produce would be much better for me
i should make my own cleaning supplies because it's better for everyone
and recycle
and up cycle
and ...
it all makes me feel guilty
guilt is a great motivator - at least that's what i've been told- and the nuns tried really hard to play the guilt card every chance they got
i do recycle- to the point of being militant about it
i do up cycle- walk into the studio and there is quite a stash of materials ready to be up-cycled into something new
about the gardening- there just aren't enough hours in the day for me-
so it's farmers market for me this summer- I will be there selling bracelets for JDRF for my granddaughter Norah who has type 1 diabetes
and while i'm there i will buy fresh produce - that's ok right? instead of growing it myself

think about it

2013-04-18T17:54:00.001-07:00

i collect quotes. i have notebooks filled with passages that i have come across in reading books, or surfing the net, tshirts, bumper stickers- if it strikes a chord with me i will write it down because i want to remember it.

i put this one in my quotes folder on my computer awhile ago.

lots to think about

june 15, 2001

2013-04-16T13:10:00.001-07:00

my mother was a reader and i grew up in a house with books and newspapers- magazines not so much- but many books
a trip to the library once a week was part of our summer routine - it was also a well organized event- an hour before we were due to depart each one of us was required to gather all of our books- granted she only allowed us to check out 4 books each (and when you multiply that times 6-7 kids that's a lot of books!)
each of us was responsible for our own books
i kept mine on the bottom shelf of the book case in my bedroom - that way I always knew where they were
once in awhile some of us would pool our books together and make check out cards for the books and play library- yep we were just that cool

organized people make lists- and since my mother was VERY organized she was quite the list maker

i was looking in one of my file cabinets yesterday and i found these

i forgot i had them

they are the notebooks of lists she kept of books she wanted to read

and books she had read

when she died

she was on notebook number 16 of books she had read and there were 45 books on her list of books to read

sometimes you just have to do it

2013-04-12T15:31:00.002-07:00

i told james the other day that i really need \
to run away
just for a weekend
i don't want to see anyone
talk to anyone
or do anything
i just want to be
alone
so i can just be

on the spectrum

2013-04-02T09:12:00.000-07:00

today is world autism awareness day

what is autism and autism spectrum?

"Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) and autism are both general terms for a group of complex disorders of brain development. These disorders are characterized, in varying degrees, by difficulties in social interaction, verbal and nonverbal communication and repetitive behaviors. They include autistic disorder, Rett syndrome, childhood disintegrative disorder, pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified (PDD-NOS) and Asperger syndrome." autismspeaks.org

my daughter and my nephew are on the autistic spectrum- they are very smart and talented and misunderstood by their peers. they don't form long lasting friendships because they are "different" which is really sad because they are so giving and creative.

"Each individual with autism is unique. Many of those on the autism spectrum have exceptional abilities in visual skills, music and academic skills. About 40 percent have average to above average intellectual abilities. Indeed, many persons on the spectrum take deserved pride in their distinctive abilities and “atypical” ways of viewing the world." autismspeaks.org

my daughter graduated with a bachelors degree in psychology and a bachelors degree in art. my nephew was accepted to Penn State main campus.

my older brother Timmy was autistic too. he died in 1973 of peritonitis. by the time i was born he was living in a state institution. my memories of him are kind of hazy. from stories told by my parents and my other older siblings i know that Timmy was a beautiful healthy child- very outgoing and social until around 18 months. he seemed to just disconnect from the world.

"Others with autism have significant disability and are unable to live independently. About 25 percent of individuals with ASD are nonverbal but can learn to communicate using other means." autismspeaks.org

what causes autism?
not long ago the answer would have been "we have no idea" Now we know there is no one cause just as there is no one type of autism.

"Over the last five years, scientists have identified a number of rare gene changes, or mutations, associated with autism. A small number of these are sufficient to cause autism by themselves. Most cases of autism, however, appear to be caused by a combination of autism risk genes and environmental factors influencing early brain development." autismspeaks.org

when my mother was pregnant with Timmy she was in a car accident. a drunk driver hit the broadside of her car. she swore that this was the reason why Timmy was autistic.

when i was pregnant with my daughter it was a normal pregnancy and i was in the best physical shape i had ever been in. in my 8th month i got a severe sinus infection and took some nasty medication for it.

"don't worry- it won't hurt the baby"

"In the presence of a genetic predisposition to autism, a number of nongenetic, or “environmental,” stresses appear to further increase a child’s risk. The clearest evidence of these autism risk factors involves events before and during birth. They include advanced parental age at time of conception (both mom and dad), maternal illness during pregnancy and certain difficulties during birth, particularly those involving periods of oxygen deprivation to the baby’s brain. It is important to keep in mind that these factors, by themselves, do not cause autism. Rather, in combination with genetic risk factors, they appear to modestly increase risk." autismspeaks.org

makes me wonder

carry on

2013-03-25T08:55:00.001-07:00

it's not the overcast sky
it's not the snow
it's not the cold
i don't know what it is but I can't seem to shake this feeling
this deep deep sadness that colors everything i do in shades of gray
i'm moving in slow motion -standing outside my self looking in
disconnected
so very, very tired
deadlines , people counting on me to deliver
needing me- always needing me
what do i need?
i don't know

this is depression talking
i know the seductive sound of its voice
i know the comfort of its darkness
i know i have to stop this feeling

i know
carry on
keep going
i know

for my son

2013-03-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

let it go and move on

i love you

words

2013-03-05T09:28:00.000-08:00

words have a lot of power
you can use them to create or destroy
words can give you comfort
make you think
make you cry
laugh
smile
frown

this last stay in the hospital for my daughter for her mental illness got me to thinking about words
she expressed a desire to read something each day and to reflect on it- maybe it would help keep her out of the darkness
she suggested the Bible- i don't have anything against the bible but it can be pretty thick and heavy with words and sometimes there are too many words

i went looking for some kind of book i could give her that wasn't all Hallmark card- you know?
i came up empty

maybe i should write my own book

i have been collecting quotes, words of wisdom, passages from books for years. i write them down in a notebook ( i am on my 4th notebook since i started) now i have a board on Pinterest dedicated to them.

if you are reading this can you take a moment and write down words you use to help you get through a rough patch
words that make you think
get you back on track

here's one of my favorites:

"there is no such thing as a problem

without a gift for you in its hands.

You seek the problems

because you need

their gifts"

Richard Bach

how's it going Laura?

2013-02-27T09:12:00.000-08:00

facebook asks me that everyday

how's it going Laura?
since you asked i'll tell you -even though i know you really don't give a fuck
but i can pretend you do

i can't sleep at night
because i am afraid that when i wake up my daughter will have killed herself because she needs help for her mental illness and every time i try to get her help i get smacked down

the system would rather she was dead than alive and getting help - one less fucked up person to deal with - only this fucked up person is a college graduate with two bachelors degrees

i can't sleep at night
because my son made an immature stupid mistake and now it's going to affect the rest of his life
he's 18 - EIGHTEEN - his mistake caused no harm to anyone but himself
but still 18 and basically fucked
people do stupid things at 18 and now the system is telling me he's lost his job -for the next 5 years- he needs to work this summer so he can afford go back to college next fall
yeah- my son is not a loser - he's getting a college education so he can be a productive member of society -
working his way through college so he doesn't end up in debt- oh and by the way make sure you get your selective service form filled out because the system can and will send you away to get murdered on behalf of your country
the system says fuck you all around

i can't sleep at night because i am so angry
that's how it's going

spiritual desert

2013-01-18T08:36:00.000-08:00

something is missing from my life. the busier my life gets the farther away i seem to be getting from my spiritual center. i am not a sit in church once a week and listen to someone preach at me kind of person. i am more of a reflective person.
which can be a bad thing when you are depressed. reflect too much on the negatives in your life and you end up falling into the pit.
i need to learn to meditate.
really meditate
i am not sure i have enough self discipline to learn on my own
maybe i do- i haven't tried yet

something to think about

2013-01-15T20:50:00.001-08:00

change of habit

2013-01-09T09:06:00.000-08:00

i joined a 30 day challenge that my daughter put together for the new year. she is part of Isagenix .
i have used their products before and the results are great and they are lasting results. but i can't seem to make it a habit
i thought being accountable to someone else would help me with my goals- i'm not in it for the money or the prizes i am in it for the habit

yep- i am a creature of habit- as humans we all are and anyone who has developed a habit knows how hard it is to break

for years i bit my nails and yet i would buy nail polish and try and make them look pretty because i think painted nails are kinda sexy and they make me feel good. i conquered that habit - not over night - but in time(years). now i have nails i am proud of and i get them done once a month and it makes me feel GOOD about myself.

feeling good about myself-

lately the voices in my head have been very negative and
VERY LOUD
so loud i can't hear anything else

your art sucks

you're worthless

you don't do enough

you're fat

and ugly

and unlovable

and

SHUT UP!

i am taking baby steps on changing some habits - no more McDonald's drive thru before work monday - friday - if i feel like it on saturday it's ok
keeping a project threaded on the loom at all times - so far that habit has produced three beautiful scarves
replacing my afternoon cookie craving with some hot cinnamon/honey tea
wearing lipstick because you just can't feel ugly with a little lipstick on

be the change i wish to see

motivation

2012-12-31T09:04:00.000-08:00

or lack thereof...

the list of things i should do because i KNOW i will benefit from them is long
really, really long

like changing what i eat
that's a big one and I know if i change my eating habits i will lose some weight and if i lose some weight i will have more energy and if i have more energy i won't be tired all the time and if i'm not tired all the time i will be more productive and if i am more productive my list of things to do won't be out of control and if my list of things to do is under control then i will feel less guilty and if i feel less guilty i will feel better about myself and if i feel better about my self then i will change my eating habits....

it's a merry go round spinning out of control and i can't make myself jump on

doing good

2012-12-18T09:54:00.000-08:00

angels are everywhere and i don't mean the figures in white gowns with wings. i mean real people. people you don't know or maybe you do.

several years ago i was broke. the mortgage was due on the house me and my four kids lived in and i had no idea where the money was going to come from.

divorced
4 kids
working three jobs
too rich for food stamps
too poor to buy food

pay the mortgage or feed the kids

tough choice isn't it? i hope anyone who reads this NEVER has to make a decision like that

i have a friend that has been a part of my life since fourth grade. we were such an odd couple. she only had one brother and i loved going to her house because she had HER OWN ROOM! i had SEVEN siblings and shared a room with two if them. we both had a huge crush on David Cassidy and would pool our allowance each week and ride our bikes to Pokey's for green rivers, french fries and the latest Tiger Beat Magazine. good times.

over the years we hardly see each other. but when we do it's like time has never passed. we pick up right where we left off. ups and downs. getting married. having babies. divorce. children. mental health. i can talk to her about pretty much anything. one day after a conversation with her about trying to figure out how i was going to pay the bank i got this note in the mail.

and a check for the amount due the bank.

i cried.
a lot.
i have kept her note posted on my bulletin board and i try to pay it forward as often as possible.
thank you mary beth

50 shades of crazy

2012-11-23T15:07:00.000-08:00

drugs to make you feel better
drugs to help you sleep
drugs to keep you from hurting yourself
drugs, drugs, drugs....

"but I don't want to go among mad people" Alice remarked.

let's talk about it
how do you feel?
why do you feel this way?
what can you do differently?

"oh, you can't help that," said the Cat

wanting to be normal
wanting to change
wanting to be like everyone else

"We're all mad here. I'm mad, You're mad."

no, i don't hear voices
i just don't care
i want to sleep - forever
just let me stay home - safe, secure, alone
i'm ok with that

"How do you know I'm mad?" said Alice.

really

oh, my daughters, i get it
i know how much it hurts
how much it sucks to be numb

but i also know - deep down- how much i have to live for
how much i have to offer the world
even when my inner voice tells me i'm not good enough
or not worth it

-but- and there is ALWAYS a but-

"You must be," said the Cat, "or you wouldn't have come here."

when will you get to that point too?
when will you see how many people really love you
and love you for who you are- not who you think they want you to be?
when will you see that it's ok to have bad days because good days can and WILL follow
when will you just accept this crazy life you've been given?
accept it and be
because giving in to the crazy hurts you and everyone around you
accept the help
use the tools you are given
and ASK when it's too much

"Do you think I've gone round the bend?"

"I'm afraid so.
You're mad, bonkers, completely off your head.
But I'll tell you a secret.
All the best people are"

what is this?

2012-11-13T16:52:00.001-08:00

i have only had two serious panic attacks in my life and neither one of them were caused by any sort of traumatic experience. in fact they both happened on relatively normal days.
if you have ever had a panic attack let me tell you they are scary
you feel like your heart is going to jump out of your chest
and you can't breathe
and all sorts of weird thoughts go through your head
and with one i actually vomited

so lately i have been having these little panic episodes
disturbing
these creep up on me first with fluttery heart beats
then the swirly thoughts come in
and i feel like i am detached from where i am
and finally i begin to self doubt
HUGE
like- why am i teaching? my art work is all crap.
who am i kidding? i don't know anything.....
and it goes on

and then all i want to do i crawl into a ball and do nothing
cuz if i do nothing then no one will be able to see that i
am an impostor.

where does this come from? everything was going so well
then
CRASH!

thanks kermit, i needed to hear that

2012-11-08T06:21:00.002-08:00

If just one person believes in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough, believes in you...

Hard enough, and long enough,

It stands to reason, that someone else will think

"If he can do it, I can do it."

Making it: two whole people, who believe in you

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you.

Hard enough and long enough

There's bound to be some other person who

Believes in making it a threesome,

Making it three.....

People you can say: believe in me.....

And if three whole people,

Why not -- four?

And if four whole people,

Why not--more, and

more, and

more....

And when all those people,

Believe in you,

Deep enough, and strong enough,

Believe in you...

Hard enough, and long enough

It stands to reason that you yourself will

Start to see what everybody sees in

You...

And maybe even you,

Can believe in you... too!

lack of health insurance and i am so f#@king messed up

2012-09-25T09:14:00.000-07:00

this weekend I am headed to Omaha to spend some time with my youngest daughter. she is in her third year at Creighton University.
i feel guilty about it
- when my two oldest daughters were in college i rarely went to visit them.

why?
money - i was struggling to keep a roof over our head and spending the money on gas made me nervous
fear - driving into places that i am not familiar with and i am not a confident driver in the first place
trust- i did not trust my van that i would make it safely to and from my destination
health insurance- i didn't have any and if anything happened to me we would be wiped out which takes me back to the money worry...

i lived with the uninsured ax hanging over my head for ten years. for ten years i worried about get sick, or in an accident. i wouldn't go to the doctor. my family was one medical catastrophe away from being homeless every day.

may 2005-hey you get a FREE mammogram if you don't have insurance and since you are over 40 you really should do it it's pretty routine- " Laura, the doctor sees something can you come back......next thing i know i am in a whirlwind of tests and appointments. one of the appointments was with the billing department of the hospital.

'how are you planning to pay for your procedure?'

'um, i don't know.' - i don't even know what "this" is. i have no idea what the test results are going to be and right now i can't even focus on how i am going to pay for it i am worried that if it's cancer how i am going to take care of my family ... when i left the office i was crying and scared and worried and when i got home i put on my brave face and told the kids this was just a routine follow up and not to worry...

when the kids were younger i didn't worry so much. i was brave and insured. we got lost driving to my sister's house once and i told them it was an adventure. when Carolyne was 2 we drove to Iowa City and spent the weekend with my younger sister. When Joshua was 3 he and I drove all over Western Iowa.and there were numerous trips to Aunt Sue's. but i was younger then.

and i had health insurance.
what about that time we drove to Colorado? same van, same money worries, same unknown territories- my older sister and brother -in- law were with us which gave me a sense of safety ( if anything bad happened they are both doctors) plus they offered to pay for the gas so we could go on the trip. (thank you for that)

so i am driving to Omaha this weekend. i am now equipped with a GPS. i have a very good reliable car. and money doesn't worry me anymore. i now have health insurance and i am anxious about the drive there. once i get there i will be fine. it's the travel from here to there. i don't feel as anxious traveling back home.

kelsey and carolyne- if you are reading this- i have health insurance now but i still can't get rid of the anxiety and fear from the years that i didn't have it. i don't trust it. i don't trust that if somehitng medically happened to me they ( the insurance company) would pay for it.

i am so f#@king messed up

my skin is too tight

2012-09-03T20:31:00.000-07:00

and my head feels like exploding

and my room is too small

and my ankles don't like my feet
and my hair hurts
and my fingers refuse to listen to me

and my big toe itches

and nothing fits

and

i

am

crabby

and some days are just like that!