Funny Jokes

Lie detector robot

2011-07-29T02:31:00.000-07:00

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decides to test it at dinner.

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school.

The robot slaps the son.

Son: Ok! I watched a DVD at my mates.

Dad: Which one?

Son: Finding Nemo.

The robot slaps the son again.

Son: Ok! It was Porn.

Dad: WHAT? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porn was!

The robot slaps the Dad.

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he’s your son.

The robot slaps the mom.

Dear god,

2011-07-22T00:23:00.001-07:00

Little Bobby came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.His birthday was coming up

and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted.

Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.

Little Bobby was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Bobby's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.
Little Bobby, of course, thought he did.

Bobby's mother wanted Bobby to reflect on his behavior over the last year. Go to your room, Bobby, and

think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike

for your birthday.

Little Bobby stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.

Letter 1

Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the

letter and started over.

Letter 2

Dear God,
This is your friend Bobby. I have been a good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you.
Your friend
Bobby

Bobby knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again.

Letter 3

Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday.
Bobby

Bobby knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Bobby wrote a fourth letter.

Letter 4

Dear God,
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just

send me a bike for my birthday. Please!
Thank you,
Bobby

Bobby knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike.

Now, Bobby was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mom that he wanted to go to

church. Bobby's mother thought her plan had worked, as Bobby looked very sad.
Just be home in time for dinner, Bobby's mother told him.

Bobby walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Bobby went into the church and

up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Bobby bent down and picked up a

statue of the Mary. He slipped the statue under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the
street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece

of paper and a pen.

Bobby began to write his letter to God.

Letter 5

God,
I'VE KIDNAPPED YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE !!!!!!!!!!
Bobby

Women and the frog

2011-06-20T10:04:00.001-07:00

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the
ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times of it!" The woman
said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most
beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this
wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to".
The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will
be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-
she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make
your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times
richer than
you. "
The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's
his is mine."
So, KAZAM- she's the richest woman in the world!

The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like to have a
mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't
mess with them.

Attention
female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue
feeling good!

Male
readers: Please scroll down.

The man had a heart attack ten times
"milder" than his wife!!!

Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really smart .

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that women never listen!!!

Liver cheese

2011-06-18T12:00:00.000-07:00

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time. Aware of her charms, and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words liver and cheese together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me".
The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."
She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever. "Um. I hate liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it’s hopeless. That’s just as dumb as the Labs’ sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?" he last of the three, tiny in stature, but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, and a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says, "Liver alone, Cheese mine.

batman

2010-09-27T14:56:00.001-07:00

A guy goes to a bar and get druunk. He gets very very very drunk and then the bar closes. so he starts to walk home. on the way. he saws one nun. so he jumped on her and beat her a$$. he punched her. then he got up and threw that nun on the wall. Now the nun was very weak. so the drunk guy leans over to nun's face and tell her: Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?

morals

2010-08-19T14:22:00.001-07:00

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold that the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

The morals of this story are:

1)Not everyone who drops $h*t on you is your enemy.

2)Not everyone who gets you out of $h*t is your friend.

3)When you're in deep $h*t, keep your mouth shut.

cute little girl

2010-08-11T01:48:00.001-07:00

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest
little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep
widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and
fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

how did the fight start

2010-07-28T02:01:00.001-07:00

A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

She asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

Her husband answers, "Just rub toilet paper between them."

"How does that make them bigger?", she asks.

"I don't know, but it certainly worked for your butt."

paddy and his friends

2010-07-28T01:59:00.001-07:00

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body.

So his two best friends, Dermot and Tony, were sent for. Dermot went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Dermot said "Yup, he’s burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the mortician rolled him over and Dermot looked and said "Nope, it ain’t Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Tony to identify the body Tony took a look at him and said "Yup, he’s burnt real bad, roll him over. " The mortician rolled him over and Tony looked down and said "No, it ain’t Paddy."

The mortician asked "How can you tell?"

Tony said "Well, Paddy had two ***holes."

"What? He had two ***holes?" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two ***holes.

Every time we went into town, folks would say

"Here comes Paddy with them two ***holes"

who is idiot

2010-07-23T06:32:00.001-07:00

"If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up" said the sarcastic teacher.
After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.
"Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?" said the teacher with a sneer.
"Well, actually I don't," said the student, "but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.

the seagull

2010-07-23T06:31:00.001-07:00

A four year old and his father went to the beach. There was a dead seagull lying on the san. The boy asked his father, "Dad, what happened to the birdie?" His dad told him, "Son, the bird died and went to heaven." Then the boy asked, "And God threw him back down?

blind pilot

2010-07-23T05:51:00.001-07:00

The entrance opens, two men dressed in pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines,secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

little johnny strikes again

2010-07-23T05:24:00.001-07:00

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

what makes 100%

2010-07-20T12:30:00.001-07:00

A LOGICAL SOLUTION.
Now here is a problem that finally has a formula for getting to the bottom of an age old problem.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-*-*-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far a** kissing will take you.

A-*-*-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bulls**t and A** Kissing that will put you over the top.

million dollars or daughter

2010-07-03T10:02:00.000-07:00

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests: I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed."
As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH. There was one guy in the pool swimming with all the strength he could muster. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed.
He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the water!"

cussing parrot

2010-06-09T04:11:00.001-07:00

There was a family that had a parrot that was always embarrassing them by cussing and other stuff like that.

So one day the boy took the parrot and stuck him in the freezer.Two hours later the squawking stopped.

The kid checked the freezer and the parrot said, "Okay I'll stop cussing, but I have one question".

The boy said, "What"?

The Parrot asks, "What did the turkey do"???

i dont know

2010-06-05T00:22:00.001-07:00

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men who dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."

Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines.
The line of the men that were whipped was 100 miles long,
But, on the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.

God becomes angry and says, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud,
Learn from him!
Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one on that line?

The man says,
"I don't know.
My wife told me to stand here.

I like the way you think joke

2010-05-27T13:41:00.000-07:00

A TEACHER ASKS HER CLASS, " IF THERE ARE 5 BIRDS SITTING ON A FENCE AND YOU SHOOT ONE OF THEM, HOW MANY WILL BE LEFT?." SHE CALLS ON LITTLE JOHNEY.

" NONE, THEY ALL FLY AWAY WITH THE FIRST GUN SHOT."

THE TEACHER REPLIES " THE CORRECT ANSWER IS 4 , BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK."

THEN THE LITTLE JOHNEY SAYS, " I HAVE A QUESTION FOR YOU.THERE ARE THREE WOMEN SITTING ON A BENCH HAVING OF ICE CREAM.ONE IS DELICATELY LICKING THE SIDES OF THE TRIPLE SCOOP OF ICE CREAM.THE SECOND IS GOBBING DOWN THE TOP AND SUCKING THE CONE.THE THIRD IS BIFING OFF THE TOP OF THE ICE CREAM.WHICH ONE IS MARRIED?"

THE TEACHER, BLUSHING A GREAT DEAL, REPLIES, " WELL I SUPPOSE THE ONE THATS GOBBED DOWN THE TOP AND SUCKED THE CONE."

" THE CORRECT ANSWER IS THE ONE WITH THE WEDDING RING ON................BUT I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK."

thoughtful wife

2010-05-20T09:46:00.000-07:00

wife says to husband, 'do you want me to slip into something more comfortable for you?' he replys YEAH A COMA YOU ANNOYING BITCH.

hell as it is

2010-04-14T03:17:00.001-07:00

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No."

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."

a strict diet

2010-04-14T03:13:00.003-07:00

Reginald was terribly overweight, so his doctor placed him on a strict diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds, 'his doctor assured him.

When Reginald returned he shocked his doctor by having lost almost twenty pounds.

'Why, that's amazing, 'the doctor said, greatly impressed, 'You certainly must have followed my instructions.'

Reginald nodded, 'I'll tell you what though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day.'

'Why, from hunger?' asked his doctor.

'No, from all that skipping.'

always by my side

2010-04-14T03:07:00.000-07:00

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,

yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, 'You know what?

'You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck... Get the fuck away from me!

overcoming confusion

2010-03-29T01:59:00.000-07:00

Deep within a forest,a little turtle began to climb a tree.After hours
of effort,he reached the top,jumped into the air waving his front legs
and crashed to the ground.After recovering,he slowly climbed the
tree again,jumped,and fell to the ground.The turtle tried again and again,
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts.Finally,the female bird turned to her mate."Dear,"she
chirped,"I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

nurse and patient joke

2010-03-13T16:06:00.000-08:00

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ? "

Where is god?

2010-03-06T15:14:00.000-08:00

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'
The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,'
'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!