Better out than in

Friendship

2019-11-27T20:04:00.000-08:00

The concept of friendship is so weird. You meet someone and suddenly feel like “hey I wouldn’t kill you, if I had to be around you a lot” and boom you’re set.

Which works out great until a good portion of the people who you are certain you won’t murder suddenly live in different states...

I have a good small group of friends.

I used to think I had a lot of friends... but that was never actually the case. There’s nothing wrong with that and I realize now that it was more me than them. I wanted so bad to have these close female friends that I was trying to squish the preverbal square peg into a round hole, and in actuality it was never a fit. Or maybe I was never a fit.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have friends who live local and if i pester them enough we will get together, but lives are busy and I am fairly forgotten. Not trying to sound all pity party, I’m ok with how things are I do wish I had a close friend nearby that would just swing by sometimes, but that time of my life has passed. In a new phase now and I’m getting accustomed to the solitude.

I’m sorry you never knew them

2019-11-26T07:57:00.000-08:00

I really am. Early on we really tried, and after a while we tried less. That’s on us. However how much did you try? How much did you reach out? It really goes both ways. I’m sorry that eventually I got exhausted, I’m sorry that I let life get in the way, but you need to realize that you did too.

If you knew him you’d know that he’s a teddybear behind that booming voice. You’d know that he sings so well even though he doesn’t think so. You’d know that he’s unsure of himself sometimes but can always talk a good game. You’d know he’s charming and charismatic. If you knew him you’d know his sense of humor, you’d know that he secretly loves it when people say he looks like weird Al, you’d know his laugh is contagious and his compassion is unmatched. If you knew him.

If you knew her, you’d know wit and sass and the biggest kindest heart. You’d know the scariest thing she’s ever done is let herself fall in love. You’d know she’s a fighter, and smart so freaking smart. You’d know the brightest, bubbliest, sweetest girl. You’d know she loves the Jonas Brothers and about 100 bands you’ve never heard of. You’d know she’s a people pleaser ad goes out of her way for everyone. If you knew her.

If you knew him, you would know he’s shy not aloof. You would know he doesn’t say much, but the things he does tell you are the most important to him. You’d know he struggles, but you’d know he overcomes. You’d know he’s searching for his path in life but you’d be in his corner knowing he’ll find it. You’d know that he’s the most loyal person you’d know. You’d know that he’s crazy smart and knows a whole lot about most things. You’d know he’s funny and fun to be around. If you knew him.

If you knew him, you’d know his body is sometimes broken, but his mind is always sharp. You would know his ridiculous sense of humor, and his ocd. You’d never forget to rinse your dishes in his presence. You’d know someone who is the toughest person you’ve ever met, but will also never walk past a dog without stopping to snuggle it. You’d know he loves math and thinks English is a waste of time. You’d know he has an eclectic taste in music, but you’d learn an appreciation for Sabaton and Marty Robbins. If you knew him.

I wish we’d done a lot of things different, but all we can do is our best. Grudges are too heavy, and only weigh down your heart. I wish you knew the great people they grew up to be, but it’s not too late... you still can.

Open letter to my Tanner-Paul and other random brain vomit

2019-06-16T16:49:00.000-07:00

Graduation has come and gone. I’ve been a complete cyclone of emotion... fear, anxiety, disappointment, offense, heart break, anger, and unbelievable joy..and that’s just since Monday. As my sweet boy transitions into his next phase of life so many thoughts and fears and hopes and dreams have swirled in my head.
I wish more people knew Tanner like I know him. He is a disheveled pile of hair and shyness to most, but for those fortunate enough to get close to him, he is so much more. He challenges me, he leaves me speechless, like literally... I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve been arguing a point with him and he throws some logic bomb at me and I don’t even know how to respond. I’m not sure I’ve met anyone with his type of wit and brilliance.

So here are a few of my thoughts....

My sweet Tanner Paul,

I don’t think I could ever adequately put into words how proud I am of you. As I sit down to write this, I’m trying to think what advice, what wisdom I could impart to you, I am reminded of all the life lessons that you’ve already taught me, and I hope you know how incredibly wise, thoughtful and kind you are.
You’ve taught me that everyone’s path is their own. I know I try to pull too much, but I also know that you’ll find where you belong and it’s yours to find, not mine.

Don’t compromise, and don’t change your standards to fit what anyone else thinks you should be. (Even your mom)
Don’t hold grudges (which I know you don’t), but also don’t allow toxic people to keep coming back into your life either.
Every choice creates a ripple effect, make good ones.
When someone shows you that they don’t want to be part of your life, let them go. I spent too many years fighting for people who didn’t want to be fought for.

Travel
Spend your money on experiences instead of stuff
Save part of every paycheck even if it’s 5$

Never miss an opportunity to learn something new.
Listen
Be present
Unplug
Explore

Stay close to your siblings
Call your mom

Always own a pet... seriously, it will do more for your mental health than anything else
Help strangers
Never believe your own hype

I love you

Mom

Shout out to all the graduates
Those with 4.0’s
Those with 2.0’s
Those who play sports
Those who play video games
Those who are college bound
Those who don’t want to go to college
Those who get married at 18
Those who will wait or not do it at all
Those who go in the military
Those who still have no idea what their doing
You did it!
You’re awesome!
You’re going to be great!

Not cool man

2019-01-23T15:47:00.001-08:00

I’m not cool. I never have been. That’s not up for debate, it’s just a fact. I’ve never had people clamoring to be my friend, I’ve always been one of those outliers in groups that’s kind of annoying and no one really notices if they are here or not. I’m good with that. I can count my true friends on one hand and honestly that’s not a bad thing.

I dealt with bullies my whole life, some of whom now decided they want to be friends on social media,.. which is weird if you ask me,, but whatever, I’ve never been much of a grudge holder.

It took me a long time to realize that others opinions of me were just that, others opinions. If I truly believe in a cause, I don’t let the opinions of others sway that. So why do we allow the opinions of others to sway how we see ourselves?

I’m loud, and sometimes super quiet. I say generally the wrong thing, I have poor timing. I talk wayyyy too much. I carry more weight currently than I should. I’m aware of all those things about me, so why do I still let it destroy me when others point out those same things?

The truth is that I let my own insecurities and fear push me into a hole, and for a very long time I stayed there.

Honestly though, I like me. I’m funny and witty. Yah I’m friggen awkward and broken sometimes, but that’s ok. I’m no longer offended at the invites and calls that never come or the texts I don’t receive, I still reach out, often garnering no response but that’s not on my end. I’m just me, and I’m really ok with that.

Combatting violence

2018-02-20T11:35:00.001-08:00

So here we are AGAIN! The same arguments, the same go around.

“We need common sense gun laws”

“No! Control doesn’t work”

“No one needs a weapon that can wipe out a classroom in 45 seconds”

“The only thing, that stops a bad guy with a gun, is a good guy with a gun”

“Arm the teachers”

“Secure schools better”

“Metal detectors and armed guards everywhere”

“No we can’t have our kids going to school in prisons”

“We need better mental healthcare”

“It’s not a gun problem it’s a people problem”

And on and on and on.....

Then after a few days or a few weeks the arguing, and posturing simmers down, and we go back to life as usual until it happens AGAIN! Then the go around starts back up, but nothing is actually being done. You can’t say X or Y doesn’t work, because literally we haven’t tried anything so how do we know what will and won’t work.

You want to talk about rights? How about my child’s right to go to school, AND come home.

I’m having conversations with one of my dearest friends about looking at effing BULLET PROOF BACKPACKS, and how if our kids had to flee for their lives her son would carry mine so he wouldn’t get trampled if his hip dislocated etc..... This is an actual conversation I had! It’s the freaking twilight zone, I don’t know why we’re here, but it’s up to us to start getting out.

Currently not much is happening in Washington, so what can we do?

Yes vote, yes support causes that fight for what you believe in, but how can you effect change right here, right now, right where you live?

I truly believe it starts with combatting the loneliness and the hopelessness that people are feeling. Pulling people out of a virtual reality of screens and back into actual human contact.

*Put down your phone and talk to someone, look them in they eye, and listen to what they have to say.

*Reach out

* Ask your kids tons of annoying questions about life, school, feelings, people they come in contact with. Talk about empathy, talk about the need for human connection. Yes you’ll get shrugs and eye rolls and keep talking anyway!

*Put a premium on compassion

*Observe, listen

*Encourage your kids to do the same.

*See people as people

This may all seem trite and cliche but it’s also something we can do proactively right now. We are becoming a society of disconnection, and it’s causing deep wounds. Do it out of love, do it because you don’t want your child to be that lonely kid who sees no way out. Your attention and concern and kindness might be saving a life!

We need to focus on each other and start spreading kindness back into this world. I’m not naive, and I know it won’t solve all the worlds problems today, but it’s a start.

We are losing each other and it’s showing in our kids, in our society. So me personally I’m going to step away from screens for a while, but feel free to call me, come over for coffee, tell me what’s going on in your world. I promise to listen.

⬅️1️⃣7️⃣➡️1️⃣8️⃣

2017-12-31T21:53:00.000-08:00

New Year’s Eve 2017....

I guess we all are doing a lot of reflecting at this time of year. I sat pretty much sobbing last night as I reflected on this year. It certainly has had its shares of down, but just thinking about the bad parts is not very productive. This year also had some very great spots. So I’m going to reflect on the good, ponder the bad, and look at what I hope for the new year.

The Good ~
This year saw lots of good -
2017 saw Garrett graduate 8th grade and start high school..
Daniel started a new job..
Tanner got his drivers license..
Paige started working at SDSU dining services..
Connor decided on his career path (elementary school teacher)
We went to Michigan for the most amazing wedding of the most amazing people..
I visited Oregon for the first time
Went to Vegas for the most fun wedding/weekend and gained a sister
Saw 2 NKOTB concerts and my forever hero Dolly Parton
So lots of good. Lots and lots of good..

The bad ~
More ponderings of the bad....
I guess I can’t say bad, because it’s hard to call one of the greatest things to ever enter my life “bad”
I don’t understand why things happen the way they do
I don’t understand being powerless as a parent, but I am. Garrett’s dr told me “you’re doing everything right”... I know this was meant as encouragement, but it kinda made me feel worse
I don’t understand how our entire life can just have the pause button slammed, but indeed it was.
I spew a lot of the ins and outs to some close friends , but try to keep a lot of it in. I was told once by someone who I thought was a friend that I “always complain”. I had no idea at the time what a profound effect those words had. I realized this year that I still dwell on that, (all these years later) and it probably prompted a lot of my solidarity through this whole process, but in a way it helped, becaus it did help me to realize that it’s ok to vent, and cry and be a whiny ass. Sometimes we need that, and it’s ok. Please complain, cry, whine to me anytime and I will love you and tell you whatever you want to hear, judgement free. I promise.

Looking forward to 2018 ~
I probably have the same “resolutions” I have every year...
Lose weight, get out of debt, blah blah blah....
So instead here are a few plans (not resolutions ;) )
Eventually I’m going to convince NFCU to hire me (I keep applying)
Finish up my degree
Be responsible
Minimize the screens and social media time of me and the family
Meal plan
Sew more, Sing more (even if I do both badly)
Keep reaching out, with or without reciprocation
Read
Live more in every positive moment
Embrace the path....

This is not Trump's America

2016-11-19T05:26:00.001-08:00

This is not “Trump's America.” This is not “Obama’s America either.” This is MY America, and your America. I can not sit idly by and watch our America crumble. The problems in our society existed long before Obama showed up, racism existed before Trump. We can't blame our downfalls on any one man. In the week that has followed the election, I've seen people of all walks of life, backgrounds, political views, just tearing each other apart. You want to know what will destroy America? That will! You CANNOT say that you are against hate and discrimination in the middle of hating and discriminating against ANY group or individual. Everyone who voted for Trump is not a racist bigot homophobe. Everyone who didn't isn't a whining bleeding heart lazy millennial. STOP USING THIS ELECTION AS AN EXCUSE TO BE AN ASSHOLE!

Some of the most amazing people I know voted for Trump. Good, loving, hard working people who don't hate anyone. The same can be said about the awesome people in my life who were Hillary (or third party) supporters. These people who I've known for literally ever, did not change who they are overnight because of who they cast their ballot for.

I have family and friends who voted for Trump for a plethora of reasons, none of which were that they hated anyone. They want what's best for this nation and their future and their children's future. I can not and will not tear them down for that.

I have a daughter who voted in her first election. She did not vote for Trump. She cried when he was elected. She opted not to go to her college classes the next day. She isn't spoiled, or coddled or whiny, she was sad and concerned. She wants what's best for this nation and for her future. I can not and will not tear her down for that.

This election is unlike any the world has seen. The world is however watching. What will they see? Will we allow this to take us down? Will we decide to tear apart the very fiber of our nation? The choice is ours my friends. What are you going to do?

I'm bringing kindness back

2016-03-29T18:51:00.000-07:00

When did kindness become old fashioned??? When did it become ok to just be rude? I marvel at this phenomenon every day. It’s just getting worse.

I’ve come very close lately to deleting all social media due to the negativity of it all just eating my soul. People who I love, respect, look up to just spewing venom about any group/ thought/ etc that does not emulate their own. It has seemingly become completely acceptable to tear apart anyone who disagrees with you in the name of equality. Don’t believe me? On any sad news story, comment that you are praying for them…. Then wait… within moments you will be torn to shreds by people who don’t believe in God. These same people who claim Christians are hateful and discriminatory, but it’s ok to be hateful to them? Wait, WHAT??!!!

The other day my daughter brought to me her “political swear jar” that she plans to put out at her graduation party. Anyone caught talking about the election has to donate to her college fun. Yes it was done in jest as a joke, and yes it was funny, but honestly part of it broke my heart. It hurt my heart because it tells me that deep down my daughter is afraid that her friends and family are going to get in a fight at her graduation. IT’S NOT OK!!!

It’s not ok to be full of hate and anger towards anyone! Even if you think they are wrong. Still not ok. Even if you don’t like what they stand for. Still not ok. Even when leaders, actors, politicians etc do it. STILL NOT OK!

I’m a Christian… If you’re not.. That’s cool. I’m ok with you not believing in what I believe in, you need to be ok with my believing in what I believe in. You don’t need to tell me I’m stupid or wrong, you can just let me be. I’m happy, I’m trying to do good in the world, and in the end if it turns out you’re right, what harm have I done leading a Christ based life and not being a asshat to everyone?

My political ideals probably don’t line up with yours… that’s cool. Good news WE ALL GET TO VOTE FOR WHO WE LIKE! Isn’t that great? I can vote for my candidate you can vote for yours.. That’s cool.

I let my kids eat fast food and play video games, some of those games are kinda violent. If you want your kids to only eat organic, and never touch a screen.. That’s cool.

I own a gun. I can shoot that gun. If I could have a conceal carry in California, I would. I would also never hurt a fly. It’s my right to have a gun. It’s your right not to like that. I’m not a bad person or a threat because I have one. If you don’t like them I respect that, I won’t bring it up around you, I won’t bring it around you. You don’t have to agree with me, just respect me. That’s cool.

I’m not gay. I like men. If you do too that’s fine, if you don’t that’s also fine. I feel STRONGLY that whatever we do (with in the law) in our private time, is just that. PRIVATE TIME!!! Love whoever you love, and let me do that same.. That’s cool.

I go to Sea World. Yes I saw blackfish. I still support Sea World. I also saw “Supersize me”, I clearly still support the fast food industry. If you don’t, THAT’S COOL!

I will NEVER call you names or be mean to you because you are not the same as me. I will not judge you or treat you differently because your opinions are not my own. I will never tell my FRIENDS to delete me or block me if they do not agree with me. WE ARE PERPETUATING THE PROBLEM!!!

My friends it is time to wake up.

There is so much hate in this world, it seems to grow every day. It’s growing because we are feeding into it! I believe that we are all inherently good. We can make changes by just choosing to make our little corner of the universe not suck.

I’m not saying to keep your opinions to yourself. By all means SHARE them! I want to know what you think and how you feel, but being passionate about something should never turn into being hateful to someone else who does not share that same passion. I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid to share different parts of me, because I didn’t want to offend anyone.

Existing shouldn’t be offensive.

SO BRING KINDNESS BACK!!!

I ask all of you to just step forward in love. Step forward in the knowledge that your friends and family and even strangers are probably all just trying to do the best they can, not secretly evil or stupid, just making their way through life the best way they know how. Know that just because I disagree with you it doesn't mean I don't love you.

I challenge all of you to spend the next week mindfully and purposefully not fighting. Not insulting. Not perpetuating anger and hate. Try to understand why people believe differently. Debate is great! Be constructive. You can express why you feel the way you do without putting others down.

Let's all just do the best we can to spread a little more kindness and understanding.

A story for this fine Veteran's Day

2015-11-11T08:25:00.001-08:00

Today is Veteran’s day. A day to reflect and appreciate all who have served this great country of ours in any capacity as part of the armed forces.

I am blessed to be surrounded in my life by some of the most noble, giving, hilarious, kind hearted, dedicated veterans.

I found myself reflecting a lot today, not just about veteran’s day, but about the 22 years my husband served, the friends we made, the things that shaped our life.

Today I would like to thank one specific veteran. I never got to thank him. I don’t know his name, and I’m sure I never will, but this story not only brings me great emotion it also sums up the willingness that so many men and women in our military have to serve, to help, no matter what.

This happened about 5 years ago. Daniel was deployed, Connor was at a band competition and it was just me, Paige and the little boys. Paige had a very rough time in her early life with her kidneys (as some of you may recall). This particular day a rotten kidney infection popped up and it was fierce. These would come on alarmingly fast, she would not be able to straighten her body out, her fever would spike to as high as 105 and we would have to get her to the hospital fast as she was often admitted in these cases.

The morning started out with her feeling a little under the weather, but by afternoon it was apparent what was happening, I threw the boys at a friend and headed to the ER at the Naval hospital here in San Diego. By the time we arrived Paige was pale, she couldn't stand up. At this point in time, they were in the process of renovating the ER area and the parking area close up was down to only a few spots so we had to park in the parking garage. I got her out of the car and tried to head towards the ER. She couldn't straighten her body, so I lifted her up best I could and started carrying her towards the hospital. 8th grade paige was roughly the same size as current Paige, and I have obviously not grown (vertically) since then, so I am sure it was quite the site to see my 5’5 self trying to hoist her up and get across the street. I was struggling, she was crying, so I started crying... That’s when you showed up. You came out of nowhere. I didn't even see you until you grabbed her from me and ran to the ER. You just bolted across the compound with her, I couldn't even keep up. You set her down as a nurse rushed out with a wheel chair and started peppering me with questions. It wasn't until you were walking away that I noticed the full braces on both of your legs, and the cane that you had dropped on the sidewalk when you grabbed her from me. By the time the nurse checked her in.. you were gone. I never got to thank you. Not only did you help me at that moment, you also showed my daughter how this community rolls, how we look out for each other, and how great our service men are. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart. Thank you

It's only been 2 weeks?!?!!

2015-04-25T20:00:00.001-07:00

In the last 2 weeks...

Daniel retired

A bunch of family and friends came out to celebrate!

I saw Barry Manilow in concert with my parents..

Daniel started his new job at SPAWAR

The boys played at the STEAM expo

The transmission in my van went

(/\ that's what a transmission looks like, who knew?)

We moved

That's a lot of life in two weeks.. I've had some stressy moments, (by stressy moments, I mean totally lost my shit) but I I am fortunate enough to have great friends to talk me down. Now that we are at our new house, much of the storm has passed, I must say... I LOVE IT!!

I really do love everything about it! We are adjusting quite nicely to civilian life. Daniel's job seems good, the kids are all doing well, the van is at the van hospital getting better. As for the new house... It's perfect!

The old house had a negative energy. I know not everyone believes in ghosts/spirits ect.. but I do, and there was a presence in that house... It's not here. Even the dogs are more calm in this house. There is a peace, there is a lightness. I know we will be happy here. We already are!!

Peace out Hepburn ct! It's been real!

As for me, I'm loving life!

Now back to the unpacking.

I'm not offended

2015-02-15T18:59:00.001-08:00

I think life in general would be so much easier to navigate if we all collectively agreed to stop getting offended and lashing out so damn easy.

We are all human, we are all on the same path, the same life journey, and if we stop judging and making each other feel bad about who they are, how much greater will the journey be for all of us?

So here is me

I don't run (often)
I don't eat organic
I love greasy food
I'm not skinny
I drive too fast
I love beer
I like guns
I swear too much
I forget birthdays
I don't spank my kids
I don't punish for bad grades
I sometimes am dangerously close to helicopter status
I'm not June Cleaver
I'm a Christian
I'm not a big fan of the current POTUS
I believe in ghosts
I'm straight
I'm really smart
I'm extroverted and pretty loud

I'm not offended if you do/don't/aren't/ are. I will never put you down even if you do everything the exact opposite of me. It's who you are, and I love all the things that make you who you are. All I ask is for the same in return. You will get back what you put out, so let's all put out a lot more positive.

Making mean, backhanded, hurtful comments serve no good. We don't have to step on others to feel good about ourselves.

Compliment more, love more, show kindness more. When you're tempted to make that snide jab, say something nice instead.. You'll be making 2 people feel better about themselves.

❤️PEACE ❤️

Year in review/ New Years / the ramblings of my inner monolouge

2015-01-04T22:01:00.000-08:00

I did not send out Christmas cards this year. I do feel pretty badly about this, because A) 42 people sent them to me and B) I never really got feeling too Christmassy this year, and now that it's over I have regrets. I figured I would do a year in review here, for anyone who was interested.

Now that Christmas is over and we are into the New Year, every one is making resolutions and plans for a "great" new year. Now that I have the timehop app I realize I've been in this ridiculous rut for... like... ever! Thanks to social media I can tell you exactly what my resolutions for last year were.

Lose 100lbs

Get on top of my finances

Work out at least 4 times a week

Stop drinking soda

Be a better wife/mom/friend et al

As I sit here in my extra large pajama pants, drinking a diet coke, while avoiding answering the phone for fear of actually talking to the collectors, I realize I may have fallen just a teense short of these lofty goals.

The Eagle family review

(I don't only write to entertain, I write because I can't afford therapy)

As I look back at this year I realize it's been full of a lot of really great things. So here are some of the super awesome things that happened in 2014.

Connor found his voice and courage and spent his senior year as part of the choir. We had the opportunity to see him perform in a lot of cool things including playing the part of Firmin in Phantom of the Opera. Connor also got to do super fun things like graduating high school and starting college.

Garrett said goodbye to the 5th grade and hello to middle school. He is also shaping up to be quite the little singer and saxophone player.

Tanner is now in 8th grade, and pretty much the kindest soul I know. He and Garret got to go to the Reggie Bush football camp last summer. He also just spent Christmas break attending bowl games with his dad, Poinsettia and Rose.

Paige is a fabulous, smart, beautiful junior in high school. Her and I were given the wonderful opportunity to go to Michigan last summer and see a lot of our extended family. She attended her first ever dance this past fall, (homecoming) Paige turned 16 this year and had a fabulous beach bonfire party with some of her favorite peoples.

We as a family went to comic-con last July (and hopefully will again this year) . We spent a lot of great family time last year actually, camping, movies, board games, I really am blessed with a great little family.

Daniel and I hit our 20 year anniversary, and I went off and turned 40.

We've had our fair share of challenges too, at times I've let that consume me, but my goal for 2015 is to not let it. I will rise above these challenges. I'm going to work on changing the things I can change, and try to stress less about the things I can't.

In May we learned that Garrett has Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Prior to May I had never heard of this, now I am all to familiar with the evil it holds. It's been fairly challenging, but Garrett is quite the trooper. He has missed more school than he's made this year and because of that I haven't been able to work as much as initially hoped. On the bright side however, I've gotten to spend a whole lot of one on one time with this fabulous little human. Toughest kid I know.

Daniel will be retiring in the next few months, we will be moving, our lives will be changing a lot. I don't know how things will work out yet, but I am hopefully that they will. I keep hoping to find 5,000$ in a mysterious box in the attic, but that's not looking to likely.. so I'll make it work somehow, I will go forward. It's a pretty scary time and we aren't where I hoped we would be at this point in our lives, but I believe that we will get there.

When you look at it though, The good outweighs the bad, the hope outweighs the fear and together there isn't much we can't do.

2014 also was a year of great times with amazing people. I am so grateful for my amazing friends I would be so lost without them .

Also collectively in 2014 we saw A LOT of celebrities. :)

(Bonus points to the first person who can name them all)

So here we are entering 2015. I won't make resolutions, but I will make one goal.

I will not let 2015 beat me.

Raising kids who aren't dicks

2015-01-03T16:22:00.000-08:00

20 years ago we had this great idea that we should start a family. Being 20, and completely stupid I thought "hell yah"! This should be cake right? Off to the store to buy cute little baby things, it's going to be so fun!!! Then the baby is born and reality sets in. If you're like me, then comes the one after that.. then the next one, then the one after the last "last" one... et al.. but I digress.

When you are first handed your little fat smooshy ball of baby, you have dreams of grandeur. You are going to be the BEST mom/dad ever. Your kid is going to be smart, and funny, and popular, and a athlete, and probably know 11 languages, and that's all before they even start kindergarten... and then once more reality sets in.

We all want the best for our kids. While I have no issues at all with your (or my) child being any of the above mentioned fabulous things... what is really the most important thing that we can instill in our kids? If you ask me it's not being a dick! No one likes a douche canoe at work, or on the road.. and no one likes a pint sized one either.

I think honestly far too often we put so much stock and attention on the report card, the trophy, the amazing award.. that we lose sight of the fact that we are raising kids who are mean little asses.

Yes yes I know I may slightly be coming from a skewed place, as I was the sad, awkward, bullied, braces clad weird little girl who could count her friends on two fingers in jr.high. That being said, and my own experiences aside, were any of us ever taught to NOT be dicks? Two summers ago I was at my 20 year class reunion and I was giving a little bit of a hard time to someone who may not have been horribly kind to me as a kid, (but is now a really good friend.. life.. go figure) and he said something that stuck with me... "Well you weren't nice to me either".... HOLY. SHIT. I wasn't. It really goes both ways. You can't expect kindness, but never give any.

Now as a parent, having a child experiencing bullying, kids who are asses, and your general awkward middle school years. I am forced to take great pause, when the aforementioned bullied child pulls the same exact shit that makes this child so sad, on their own siblings.

So I have come up with a few things, that I do, that I truly think if we all did/ paid attention to.. maybe we would be raising far fewer dicks.

TALK TO YOUR CHILD - I know what you're thinking, DUH, and then possibly NAHHH. I know this is probably the first line in every child raising book ever written in the history of forever, but bear with me here. I don't just mean.. "Hey how, was school?", " Got any homework?" , "Who wants a cookie?"... How about.. " Anything shitty happen today?", "I've noticed you don't walk out with XXX any more? Ya'll still cool?" Maybe they'll answer, maybe they won't but they will know that you really do care, and when someone cares about you, you are more likely to care about others.

YOU CAN'T TEACH EMPATHY - You can't. You can not teach your child to feel bad when they hurt someones feelings, and making them apologize when they hurt someone doesn't teach empathy. Empathy can't be taught but it can be learned, learned by the example of people who truly care about their fellow human beings. Lead by example! When you fail and are a total ass, apologize to you're child. It's good to know that no one is perfect. Show them that you value their feelings and validate those feeling and that you care when you hurt them. I fail on a pretty regular basis, I own it, I apologize and I try not to do it again. We need to show are kids that we're not perfect, we lose our cool, but our goal is to NOT, and that should be their goal too.

DON'T PUT TO MUCH STOCK IN EXTRACURRICULARS - As I touched on this earlier.. I have NOTHING no things against smart, athletic, talented kids. I do however have something against kids (and adults) who think that since they excel in one area it excuses their pompous, rude, nasty behavior. You're talents will only get you so far, if you suck as a human, you aren't going to get very far in life.

DISCUSS BULLYING - It's the buzz word, hot topic, lets get rid of it, crusade, as of late.. but have you talked to your kids? Like really talked to them. You might be surprised what you learn. It might break your heart. Every news story of another bullied 12-17 year old taking their own life because they felt helpless, tears me apart, because I remember being that kid.

Opening this talk , in a truthful manner, is hard, but needed.

"Do you treat people kindly?" "Really really?" "What's the nicest/meanest thing you did at school this week?", and "Are you happy?" You might hear "yah we were mean to her, but she kinda deserves it.". OUCH or your sweet, kind, never complains child, might tear up and say "I usually eat my lunch standing up as I leave the line, and then go hide in the bathroom until lunch is over, so xxxx and xxxx can't find me." or the even more heartbreaking " You have no idea how bad it is to be me." (all of which have come out of the mouths of my own children.) YOU AS A PARENT NEED TO KNOW, you need to ask, and if your child does not fall on either the side of the bully, or the bullied, they need to know it's ok to stand up for their friend. It's ok to stand up for someone they never met, IT'S NOT ONLY OK, IT IS NECESSARY!! They need to know that a kind word or gesture can LITERALLY save a life.

PRACTICE NICENESS - It's true your kids are watching, and listening. Not always when you say things like "clean your room", or "take a shower." however in all honesty THEY ARE LISTENING AND THEY ARE WATCHING. If you are road raging, complaining about co-works, airing others dirty laundry.. your kids hear that, and they think it's ok. I'm guilty of this, I'm guilty of saying things I shouldn't, but it's never to late to change. Mow your neighbors lawn, offer to bring lunch to that really annoying co-worker because you know he just had surgery. Your kids will see it, and they will know THAT is what the normal should be.

Let's make 2015 the year that we are all a little bit nicer. Reach out to one another, check on friends, acquaintances, family members.

Let's all stop being dicks :)

I'm so annoying

2014-10-08T05:58:00.001-07:00

Damn I've been obnoxious lately! I was scrolling through the last few months of facebook... Sweet baby Jeebers how have ya'll put up with me and not smacked me? Kudos to you all! Seriously though, did not realize how whiny I've been sounding. So in order to get it all out of my system and in the interest of full disclosure/ cheap therapy/ I really like writing... Here's my brain vomit as of late..

I'm trying to focus on the positive, look for the silver lining, two in the hand is worth three in the bush, don't take wooden nickels (insert your cliche here), but daaaammmmmnnnnnnn, I feel like a really bad MMA fighter, the one that ya know is going to get his ass kicked, but your still silently rooting for.. That's me. It's round three and I have lost all cognitive thought, but keep fighting for some unknown reason.

I keep dreaming that a box with 5k shows up at my door. Like seriously 20 times. I'm going to psycho analyze myself for a second.. I believe it comes from my deep subconscious feelings that I would freaking love a box of money! (I mean who wouldn't?) actually maybe it's a metaphor for boxing up my money woes and throwing them out the door? (Ok that's lame even for me) things have been a little snug but I'm really working on not being so down on myself about it. 6th grade camp, 8th grade dc trip, various other activities are just off the table right now. As a mom you feel like a failure, but you know that not playing a sport or going on a class trip, isn't the end of the world. I can't fix everything, and that's ok. Don't even get me started on the impending retirement and all that comes with THAT! :P

Garrett, oh my! that's been a ride. For those of you playing the home game, he broke and we can't fix him. However we aren't going down without a fight. I got to say the kid impresses me, he's pretty damn tough. I don't think I could handle it as well as he is.. Oh wait I'm not. Currently we are working on getting him braces to help his joints during the day. I'm really hopeful that this will make a big difference.

So that's all the yucky.. I promise to stop talking about only the yucky. Honestly I'm a pretty blessed person and sometimes I lose that.. So here's some good stuff....

I got a great picture of the eclipse!

My dog thinks I'm smart.

Paige is all ready for homecoming on Saturday.

The boys are getting to go to this super cool fall festival thing through Daniel's work.

Tanner pulled off the best school picture in the history of school pictures.

Garrett has straight A's despite missing 8 days of school.

I'm going to be getting rid of a lot of shit so we can move. I don't even know where to start though.

I have the coolest eye color of anyone I know.

I make a mean bacon soup.

I have the best husband ever.

I'm hilarious.. It's true.. I really am.

Ever onward!!!

20 years ago

2014-08-13T07:22:00.001-07:00

20 years ago today:

I was 19. I knew everything and had my life completely planned out and everything has gone 100% as planned. The End

JUST KIDDING!!!!

20 years ago today:

Our story begins with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles... Just call me "Buttercup".

Ok ok ok... sooooo

20 years ago today:

This goofy awkward girl

.. somehow talked this super smart, handsome boy

into marrying her. Poor thing had no clue what he was signing up for.
Seriously anyone who can deal with me day in, and day out for 20 years deserves some sort of metal, actually I do believe it's one of the precursors to being canonized a saint.

20 years of deployments, navy moves, schedule changes, duty nights, late nights, and early mornings.

20 years of kids who say embarrassing things, run jog-a-thons backwards and reveal all your quirks to their teachers. 20 years of band concerts, sports practices, sick babies, sassy teenagers, and now adult children.

20 years of new friends, and tearfully goodbyes. First breathes, and final moments.

20 years of memories. 20 years of adventure. The good, the bad and all things in between.

Through all the ups and downs, I wouldn't change a single thing, because it's part of who we are and I love who we are.

As we walk into this next adventure, I'm so glad to be walking through it with you.

I am blessed by our past and excited for our future. I love you so much and I always will.

What everyone is talking about

2014-08-12T07:17:00.001-07:00

Yesterday social media and the world erupted with the news of Robin Williams death. As everyone else I was deeply saddened. The more that came out about the circumstances the sadder it became.

One thing I can say is .. Don't speculate.. You truly can't fathom what was going on inside him.

Only a very small number of people know this. I'm clinically depressed. I've spent the last 20+ years on and off various medications. I've spoken to more psychiatrists than I think was needed. Yet the demons remain.

I am a master at hiding it. I'm smart, I'm funny, and people who don't know me well, tell me I'm so together, and they don't know how I do it. I joke and make light of most things including this. It's what the world sees. What you don't see is the days I physically can't get out of bed. The days that the voices are winning and I let the world become so much bigger than me. I hide those days. I want people to only see the funny, happy, everything will be fine Amy.

I'm telling you all today.. IT'S A LIE. It's a face I made for myself years and years ago to try to drown the pain, to drown the voices that tell me that the world would be better if I wasn't in it. I fought that since I was a kid, I fight that now, I know now that I always will.

I also want to say that THERE IS NO SHAME IN GETTING HELP! It doesn't mean you're a bad person or crazy or whatever. It only means that you recognized your brokenness and you want to fix it.

If this describes you in anyway and you don't know what to do or feel embarrassed or ashamed, call me. Text me. Right now! You are important, you are special, and I will fight the demons with you, because you are loved.

Rest in peace Mr. Williams, you were loved.

Edit:
I appreciate all the support I've gotten these past days, but especially that people are seeing what depression looks like.

I have gotten so angry when I've seen people on line say things like "he was rich and famous, why would he be sad"?... It doesn't work like that.

It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about.

So what does depression look like? It looks like your neighbors, your teachers, your friends. It looks like Robin Williams, and it looks like me.

The cabin and relationships

2014-07-12T06:47:00.001-07:00

Last week Paige and I had the fabulous opportunity to go back to Michigan for 6 days. I hadn't been back in 2 years, for Paige it had been much longer.

It was amazing how time melted the second we got off that plane. As soon as I see my cousin it always feels like I just saw her yesterday, we have this share-a-brain thing going on. The more people I saw the more time didn't exist. We got to see my most amazingest aunt ever, they were letting us borrow a car to drive up to Mio.. My uncle made me drive him around the neighborhood first.. True story :)

On the 4th of July we drove up to the cabin. If you've never been to the cabin, I'm not sure I could ever justifiably explain it. It's so much more than a building or a place. It's where I keep my childhood. It's picking blueberries in July, it's sparklers, it's giant fire pits, it's staying up singing until 2 a.m. It's where Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle Paul, Riley, Aunt Pat and so many others will always be.

I can't put into words all the awesome times, amazing conversations and reconnecting that happened in this 6 short days. Friday and Saturday found about 100 people up there at various times. It was amazing and fun.

I think my favorite moment took place late Sunday night.. Most everyone had gone, and those who remained were all inside. I sat and watched the fire go out. I reflected on not only my time there, my past, my future, those who we've lost. I realized something... I have spent a good portion of my life trying to impress the wrong people. I have fought for completely one sided friendships. I have tried to create bonds where non actually ever existed. Meanwhile all these amazing people sat a mere phone call away and never heard from me. Being able to be back there and reconnect with all these amazing people was the greatest gift I've ever been given. I won't squander it. So to my beautiful Louchart, Schmidt, Volz, Conklin, McDermott et al family.. 619-602-4737 amy.eagle@gmail.com... Call me, text me, email me... Send this info to your siblings that aren't on facebook ( looking at you Mary Lou :) ) and please send me back yours. For the first time in a very long time I feel focused, I feel whole, I know what's important and what relationships need to be focused on and held on to.

I love you all so much, and even if I can't get out there as much as I'd like.. I'll never be that far away ever again.

Parenting

2014-06-07T20:37:00.001-07:00

I know most of you think I'm an open book, and mostly I am. There are a few topics however that I only broach with very few. Politics, I believe what I believe and that's good enough for me. My volunteerism.. Not sure why, but I never feel the need to discuss how many hours I put in where doing what.. Ok that ones a little weird... The other one that I keep close to the cuff is parenting. Not because I think I'm doing a better or worse job than anyone else, but because I respect all my friends and family and how they parent.

I recently joined a Facebook parenting group.. The funny thing is I had quit a military mamas group because of the drama.. Turns out civilian mamas are just as crazy or crazier. :) We are all on the same team kids! Respect give a bit, you'll get a bit.

As I enter into the newest chapter of parenting the one where I'm the parent of an adult, I've done a lot of thinking about where I've been and where I'm going.

1. I am totally ok being THAT parent. I embrace it actually. I'm sappy, I'm sentimental and I'm willing to go to the mat for my kids no matter if they're 2 or 20. I love that about me.

2. I don't spank my kids. Never will. (Well they are all almost bigger than me now, but still..) I don't believe in it, and my kids aren't spoiled or bratty. They just don't get punished in that way, no they aren't perfect.. But they are a pretty good group.

3. I don't punish for grades IF you're really trying. If you're slacking off and not turning stuff in.. Then it's on!!!!

4. My goal is to be my kids parent not their friend, but I'm glad it's turning out to be both.

5. I make mistakes.. All. The. Time. I hopefully learn from them so as to not repeat them.

6. I'm a horrible housekeeper.. But a really good mom and wife.. Hopefully that cancels it out.

7. I'm not sad that Connor is graduating or that Garrett is promoting to 6th. I'm so proud of them and who they are becoming. I do mourn the loss of being a mom to little kids. I miss it and am now finding my new identity.

8. The one thing I have zero tolerance for is bullying. I know what it's like to be chosen last and left out and treated unkind in school.. I'll be damned if my kid makes anyone ever feel that way.

9. I love these 4 amazing people always, even when they want nothing to do with me.

So that's me and in a nutshell how I run my ship. I'm not saying it's the best way or the right way, it's our way and it works for us. :)

Love who you are and always do what's right for YOUR family, but be open and accepting that we are all different and the same.

What's been happening in my brain

2014-04-15T12:38:00.001-07:00

We are less than 60 days till graduation. I have so much to do.. So much to process.. I've decided to have Connor's party at my house... Eeeeek

Teenagers are weird. I remember being a teenager.. I don't remember being weird.

It's never okay to say mean things. If a "joke" is hurtful.. Best to keep it to yourself. That's true at any age.

Our lives are changing. We will most likely be retiring from the Navy within a year. I go from excited, to terrified and back again. Pray for us as we enter this next adventure.

I have accumulated A LOT of shit in the last 14 years!! I have a lot of culling to do. Anyone wanna come help? :)

If you want a fabulous Connor graduation announcement, please message me your mailing address.

I made some pretty amazing kids, and I am so super proud of all of them. They aren't perfect, but they are pretty darn awesome, I'm a pretty lucky mama.

Someday I won't worry about money.. Someday I'll actually make it from payday to payday. I have total faith that that day is coming.

I know no one who says more random things than Garrett. You just never know what's going to come out of that kid.

I'd be a little lost without my bonus kids. I love Kaiden and Kyra so much!!

Ok so seriously.. When the hell did Easter become a gift giving holiday??!?! I mean SERIOUSLY!! When I was a kid we got eggs some jellybeans, maybe a chocolate bunny... That's it!! Now it's like extra Christmas!

I will never be adorable. I'll never be cute and matchy and sparkly.. I just won't... I've come to terms with it. :)

I've lost 14lbs.. A lot more to go.. But PROGRESS IS HAPPENING!!! :)

What in the name of all things good and holy is a pajanimal?!?! And WHY do they exist?

I have been so freaking grouchy lately. My sincerest apologies if you've been on the receiving end of said grumpiness. It's stress.. Im sure of it. I'm trying to just take one day at a time. My world is completely changing and it's scary a bit.

Beer is my friend, and I'm ok admitting that. Fortunately it's also bestie with my besties. It's so nice when all your friends get along well.

I wrote this the other morning..
"Let it go, let it go, I don't wanna hear it anymore.. Let it go, let it go stop complaining about your chores... I don't care what you were going to say... I'm getting very annoyed... Yes your brother will bother you anyway.. "
I'm a lyrical genius!!! BAM!

Is it just me?

2014-03-23T17:48:00.001-07:00

Is it just me? I find myself asking myself all the time... I've come to the conclusion that it probably is.

It took me a long time to grasp that not everyone thinks like me and most people don't do things the way I would.. Ok that might be a good thing ;) but it always gives me great pause.

Friends
One of my horde has recently found themselves being ignored and treated pretty poorly by long time friends. As a parent it's hard not to step in and try to fix it. I know my kid is hurt but I also know what a great person said child is. I guess that's a hard thing even as an adult. I know in my adult life I've had friends (some who've I've known for years) try to change who I am or be very critical of how I dress/act/clean/parent or just decided to ignore me, but for whatever reason I couldn't just walk away.. I also couldn't treat people that way... Maybe It's just me.

Family
To me family is family, pretty much through anything. (Obviously some exceptions) but overall you stick by family. You look out for family, you stick up for them. I have one particular family member who I really looked up to when I was a kid, that person just shut everyone out... I don't get that.. I'll never understand and I'll always miss her. Family should be forever. Maybe it's just me.

In other news I've decided to do the happy 100 days thing

Is it just me or is happiness a choice? A decision you make each day?

Be kind
Help others
Don't take life too seriously or to personally
Laugh all the time
Be happy by making others happy
Choose joy

An open letter to my sons

2014-02-17T08:13:00.004-08:00

A few years ago I wrote this letter to my daughter. For those of you playing the home game, you know I also have 3 sons. Sons who are all three in various transition stages of life. One transitioning to an adult, one dealing with the fabulous angst and hormones that are issued to you in middle school, and one trying to disassociate from the title "baby of the family". So this letter is to my boys.

My amazing boys,
Whereas it is true that I have never myself been a boy, (shocking I know.. we'll have that talk later) I do understand where each of you are in your lives, and that some of the things you are facing are pretty terrifying, but here's the good news.... Everything is going to be ok.

YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH
When someone compliments you, it is coming from a place of love, don't brush it off.. Be the best YOU that you can be! Often times it isn't skill, knowledge, or ability that you don't possess, it's confidence. However being confident doesn't mean being a dick. Never use your accomplishments to make others feel small.
Believe in yourself, and know that I always have and always will.

I HAD NOTHING FIGURED OUT WHEN I WAS 17
Seriously, nothing. If you would have asked my junior/senior self what my life plan was, I would have told you that I was going in the Peace Corps. I would have said that I was going to take some time away from the world, I would have told you I was never getting married. As you may have guessed... NONE of that happened, which is good. Everything that needed to happen did. It's ok that you don't know know what exactly your life will be when you're 40. I don't either!

DON'T CHANGE YOUR DREAMS FOR ANYONE
You will have relationships in your life, and that's great! However you need to still stay true to yourself and your dreams and goals. If that special someone is meant to be in your life than they will be, no matter what. So don't put your own aspirations on the back burner, know that when you care about someone and they care about you, you support each other so that you can build those dreams together. (Cue Starship)

IT'S OK TO NOT BE THE STAR ATHLETE
Playing sports is awesome. I am proud of each of you for everything that you do. However if you don't want to, thats ok too. You are no less of a man or of a human because you aren't playing football or whatever 24/7. Playing the sousaphone is just as cool. Don't let anyone tell you it's not. Being athletic is good, but I think society as a whole puts a lot of pressure on boys to be sporty, and if they aren't.. well who freaking cares! Whatever you do, if it's play Waterpolo, or the banjo, just give it 100%, and love what you do.

DON'T COMPARE YOURSELF TO OTHERS
In good and in bad times. Don't do it. Compare yourself to you! There will be people smarter than you, that's ok.. just do your best. There will be people who you feel like everything comes easy to them, spoiler alert.. it doesn't... just do YOUR best. Now on the opposite side, just because someone else did something worse, or got a lower grade, or made a worse choice, this in no way exonerates your bad choice.

BE A MAN OF YOUR WORD
Nothing is cooler, hotter, sweeter than an honest man. (trust me) BE HONEST. Sometimes that will be hard, but it will never let you down. If you say you are going to do something.. DO IT. Follow through on what you say. Your word really is your bond. When you fail, don't make excuses, take responsibility for your actions and move forward.
Your character is always showing.

FRIENDS AND FAMILY ARE IMPORTANT
I know you are probably thinking "DUH?" ..
I don't know, maybe it's a "guy thing". I have seen many of the men in my life, grow up, move on and their friends and family become more and more distant. SO I am telling you right now. CHERISH your relationships. Don't get so caught up in the present that you completely let go of your past. Hang out with the guys once a week. Send your grandmother a letter, an actual letter, not an email not a text, a letter. Make time to take your sister to lunch.. and never ever forget, no matter where you go, no matter how old you are.. always.. and I mean always..
CALL YOUR MOTHER!

I LOVE YOU
We will argue, you will think I'm horrible, I'll wonder what is wrong with you, but I will always love you. I'm so proud of the men you are becoming.

BE HONEST
BE KIND
BE FAITHFUL
NEVER GIVE UP

Randomness.. Because it's kinda what I do

2014-01-11T20:51:00.001-08:00

I never knew that being the mom of three boys meant that all dinner conversations would forever involve bodily functions. Also the word "balls" gets said more in my house than at a basketball game.

Garrett may need a 12 step program to get over his addiction to the "Frozen" soundtrack.

Hands down the best version of "Always on my mind" was done by the Pet shop boys.

I have sneezed more in the last two days, than I have in the last 10 years. I'm officially allergic to Southern California.

I'm predicting the Chargers win tomorrow.

I also predicted the Lions going to the Super Bowl... So take that for what it's worth.

I am convinced that 2014 is going to be amazing! I have faith ( and a lottery ticket) woot!!

I haven't won tickets to anything in almost 5 months!!! What da heck?!?!

It's 2014... I was born in 1974.... I'm staring down the barrel of 40.. That's kinda surreal!!

I REALLY want to go camping!

I'm ready for summer break.. Christmas break left me wanting more..

When I feel like the whole world is falling down on me, I watch scooby doo ( don't judge)

I have a patch of gray hair.. Like almost a perfect circle... It's kinda weird.

I got an owl ball for Christmas.. If you're nice I'll let you come over and play with it.

My house overwhelms me.. So my plan is to completely gut, clean, organize one room a week until it's lovely.

I don't like eggnog anymore.. I used too.. But now I find it gross.

I used to think beer and coffee were gross... I don't any more.

I like crocheting hats... It's my only solid yarn ability.

I wasn't ready

2014-01-10T13:39:00.001-08:00

I thought I had this whole parenting thing figured out. I thought I had everything under control. I was this super mom... Yah well that's not true. I am realizing more and more that even when things are going smoothly, it doesn't mean I have anything to do with that smoothness. I know now that I was/ am 100% NOT READY to be the mom of teenagers!!

I'm really not. I do remember being a teenager, but I guess I blocked out the icky parts.

I'm not ready:
To not have all the answers
To let them make their own mistakes
To let them learn from those mistakes
To not be able to fix everything

When they were tiny hurts were caused by falling, and me telling them everything would be ok was enough to make it true.

Now hurts are caused by being left out, long time friends deciding you aren't cool enough anymore. From the fear of the unknown. From school and society impressing upon you that you should have your whole life figured out by 17.

I wasn't ready for that, and I wasn't ready for how much it hurts a moms heart.

My hope for all my kids is that they find friends and relationships that they can be themselves in and are never made to feel small or insignificant. That they surround themselves with people who are ok with their flaws and value them for who they are.

My hope is that they grow from their past mistakes and that they know that at 39 I don't have my whole life figured out either, and that's really ok.

I wasn't ready to be the parent of teenagers, but I'm really glad that I am... Even on the days it hurts.

No monetary value

2013-12-11T13:34:00.001-08:00

I have no price tag.

No amount of money is equal to me.

Joy is free

Kindness has no cost.

Christmas didn't used to come with a price tag. My stocking always had an orange and walnuts in it. My favorite Christmas present was a bike my dad rebuilt for me. Joy came from snowball fights and family visiting.

Furthermore, no amount of money insures a good Christmas and lack of such does not mean a bad one.
( I don't care what Kay jewelers commercials say)

So find your joy this Christmas, but not in a department store. My happiness can not be found under a tree. I will make presents, enjoy time with my family and have the most amazing holiday ever, I encourage you all to do the same.

Truth

2013-12-04T21:23:00.001-08:00

I'm actually 5'5

I'm horribly insecure

I have seen ghosts

I don't like my birthday, it's a cursed day. Like legitimately cursed. I always get panic attacks around this time of year

I'm terrified of the dentist

I think Connor has the best voice of anyone I know

Sometimes I drive in the carpool lane when I'm alone

I'm not very patient

I can never tell if people like me

I hide in the closet when I'm upset

I've written 1 whole and 4 partial books

I love owls

The thing that stresses me out the most in life is money ( actually the lack there of)

I find it absolutely surreal that I'm turning 39

If I ever win the lottery I'm hiring a personal organizer

My house overwhelms me

I'm addicted to nasal spray

I have long philosophical discussions with my dog

I've become really good friends with some of the people from my youth that I never really knew for as long as I've known them

I tell the door to door meat salesman that I'm vegan

I would love to watch a baby all day again, but just one.