Dear Mum,

2012-01-17T10:12:00.001-05:00

Times are tough. Honestly, I don't wish this life on anyone. I am constantly thinking about how I am going to pay my main bills...rent, loan, car payment, from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. The other bills, utilities, will just have to wait until I get the "final notice". I know people are worse off than I am but I can't help feeling sorry for myself. I got myself into this mess, I just want to hurry up and get out of it. I've decided not to sell the jeep because I have about 12 more payments on it. If I look at it that way instead of one more "year" to pay, it sounds better. I need a car. Maybe not to get to work and back, but to get out and about. I plan on getting a bike in the spring and riding that to work and back. God knows I could use the exercise. I wish I could meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. I swear, I can't do this on my own anymore...but I will. Somehow, I always manage. I may be up to my neck in debt at the moment but I'm not completely over my head. Things can only get better...right?

Wish you were here Mum. I miss you xo

Mixed up, muddled up, shook up world.

2011-12-28T16:34:00.003-05:00

I'm sorry my blog is all over the place. Seems to be my state of mind...

Douglas W. Dupuis in Madawaska is a selfish, cheating, lying, bastard.

2011-12-28T16:32:00.002-05:00

I had the best Christmas day in a few years but in the last couple of days its been crap. I found out my boyfriend has his wife (who he claimed to be separated from) tucked safely away at his mom's house in beautiful Madawaska, Ontario. So for the past 5 years he's lead me to believe that I am the only one for him and he loves me forever, wants to live together as a couple, blah blah blah, but I haven't seen him since, I dunno, my birthday, in September? He says his mom is losing her memory, which I totally understand and sympathize with but he also told me all kinds of stories about how he has to stay with her, or find someone to stay with her, and he can't leave her alone, yadda yadda yadda, that I started to get suspicious. I did some investigating and it turns out that he was never separated, he just played me for a fool and broke my heart...badly. He's been playing house with his wife all along. They went out on the Harley on a beautiful full moon night, 4 days before my birthday, she "can't wait to go again". Poor woman. I haven't told his wife. Why ruin her happiness? FFS! Now I truly know what "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" means. Anyway, I told him he has a teenie weenie, which he does, and dumped his selfish ass.

My life so far...continued

2011-12-19T15:25:00.000-05:00

Back in the condo days, I did meet my first serious boyfriend, Rick. He was 18, I was 14. I made him wait 4 years before we did the deed. When it finally happened (peer pressure is the excuse for me), it wasn't any big deal. I hardly remember it...lol. I do remember that he had a nylon stocking fetish and he wanted me to wear them when we had sex. We broke up shortly afterwards. He loved himself more than me. He would stand in front of the mirror and kiss his muscles. I loved his family though. We spent a lot of Saturday nights together, the girls playing pool while the guys watched the hockey game. I got reallly good. So good that my future ex-husband threw his pool cue like a javelin across the pool hall when I kicked his ass in the game...lol. ahhh, good times.
My school years were brutal. Its so hard to settle when you feel like you're constantly on the move. I did make a best friend, Hayley. We were inseperable until I met Rick and then it went downhill from there. I was one of those girls that ditched their friends for their boyfriend. I am always telling my daughters not to do that because some day they will realize their girlfriends will be some of the most important people in their lives. I really hope they take my advice that I have learned from my stupid mistakes.
I also started smoking pot when I was 14. My friends and I used to buy a nickel or dime bag of homegrown from my sister and we'd roll the entire bag up into joints and smoke them when we went ice skating. It was harmless enough. We had a lot of laughs. I don't smoke anymore. Actually, I had a craving to smoke one not too long ago so I "scored" a joint and smoked some of it on my own. What a mistake (again). I was so paranoid, I couldn't relax, Oscar was looking at me like I was a freak. I was thinking there were ghosts around me. It just wasn't fun. Just goes to show you...you can never go back...lol.
Then we moved to Bramalea (now Brampton).

update: January 17, 2012
I couldn't be bothered telling more about where I lived afterwards. Lets just say, I met the love of my life and let him go.

Apology for last post

2011-12-19T15:09:00.000-05:00

Good afternoon non followers, I want to apologize for my last post. I just re-read it. What a mood I was in. Sheesh. I have put my car up for sale on kijiji...wish me luck. That will be one giant debt I don't have to deal with every month. I figure I spend about $500 a month on the car...more if you include insurance. What was I thinking? I'll tell you what I was thinking...that the boyfriend I supposedly have would have helped me by now especially when he was the one that got me "the great deal" and basically talked me into buying it. When I think about it, I have been on his backburner for 5 years now. I am the one that always has to be sacrificed so he can do what he has to do. If I don't communicate with him, he makes no attempt to communicate with me. When he's able to see me, I make myself available. Not anymore though. I'm through with games...well maybe not. I know I deserve better than this. At least that is what my friends tell me. Come on Christmas! I wish I had a river to skate away on....

I hate my life

2011-12-01T11:40:00.001-05:00

I am having a serious pity party for myself today. I've been on the verge of tears all day. I'm unhappy, my kids are unhappy...when is it going to get better? I know people are worse off than me, much worse, but I do think we are allowed to feel sorry for ourselves once in a while aren't we? Of course, its all about money and lack of it. Got my final notice for the hydro bill today. I missed my car payment this month. Christmas, fucking Christmas, is coming way too fast. I hate Christmas...how's that for spirit? It's great when you're a kid and you believe in Santa but when you grow up and reality hits, its all about fucking spending money...money I don't have. I had to go to Money Mart for a pay day loan yesterday just so I could cover my fucking rent. Oh yes, its one of those days, weeks, months, years....FML!!!

The condo years...

2011-11-29T13:24:00.001-05:00

Ah yes, the good old late 70's early 80's. A time when you felt safe no matter the time of day or place you were. You could walk down the street at night and the most harm that would come to you would be a flasher with a towel on your head might confront you. (This happened to my sister). When I think about the close calls I actually had... The amount of times I have spoken to weird strangers in the park, and gave directions to a guy in a car that was pulled over and playing with himself. The time in the movie theatre where a pervert sat right next to me and was feeling my knee up. Cute little 12 year old me, sitting in the condo lobby at 5am on a Sunday morning, putting the Toronto Star and all its sections and flyers together so I could deliver to two 30 storey condos and then go "collecting" door-to-door at the end of the month. Lets see, what other close calls have I had? Hanging out after dark on the swings with a guy that had been rumoured to have raped someone...but he was nice as pie to me. Sitting with a stranger on the hill in the park in broad daylight. He read my palm. Oh and my dad used to go drinking and come home and decide to cook something on the stove. I remember clearly the smell of whatever was burning on the stove one morning. I had to get out of bed and go on the balcony, it was so rank. The amount of burn holes from his cigarettes that he'd drop on the floor, the couch, the bed. My mom didn't have her license at the time so back in those days when the family went to parties etc, my dad would drink and drive us all home. Yep, lucky to be alive, I am. My dad has been caught quite a few times and as we got older and I got my license, I was lucky enough to drop my dad off at jail on Friday and pick him up Sunday night when he got sentenced for a few weeks/months? I don't remember...

One of the best things about that time was the music. Led Zeppelin was and still is my favorite rock band. The music fed our souls. Steppenwolf, Fleetwood Mac, Supertramp, Bruce Springsteen, The Cars...oh man, there are so many good bands from those days...sigh.

Goodbye plastic tree from China

2011-11-29T13:17:00.001-05:00

I'm back. After strapping my 7.5' prelit Noma christmas tree inside the box it came in and trying to make it fit inside the buyer's cute little Acura, I wash my hands of thee. I am looking forward to having a real tree this year. I used to be against such a thing but I suppose the trees are "harvested" for such an occasion. I promise to make its final days as nice as can be. I will love it and admire it and pretty it up with glittery lights and special ornaments. The thing about having a real tree is it will be recycled back into the earth whereas a fake tree will just be a plastic heap on the pile of garbage we humans are forever accumulating. I'm a tree hugger so I'm torn with my decision but we must have a tree at Christmastime. I'm already against the commercialism of the season and look forward to the day when it will just be about spending time with family and friends. ie; when I'm old and people don't expect anything from me...

Etobicoke, the first time around...

2011-11-22T15:00:00.001-05:00

Where was I before I was rudely interrupted by life? (I had to escort my 18 year old daughter to the dentist...she still needs me :), nort just my money). Oh yes, we came to Canada. I remember going to kindergarten in this big old school in downtown Toronto. I would cry and cry so my mum had to stay with me in class until I settled down.

Then we moved to Etobicoke. We stayed there for a good 5 years, I think, so I built up a solid friend base. I have a lot of good memories from that time, the school, the seasons, the neighbours, truth or dare, hide and seek, our first stolen ciggies in the garage. I actually had my first brush with the fuzz when my friend, Stuart and I were caught lighting matches in the field. We were safe about it though, we were lighting them on a flat rock. The police came to our door and scolded me while I hid behind my mother's legs. It was a great little community, our apartment at 10 Blackfriar Avenue. My parents still felt the need to move and we lived in two different apartments in the same building over that time period. At least we stayed in the same building...unfortunately, it all came tumbling down when we moved to Malton for a year, which was temporary until my parents took possession of the condo my dad bought without my mum's knowledge. How in the world he got away with that, I'll never know.

In that Malton year, I had my first boyfriend, Kevin Danis. He had braces and a broken arm. We were friends until we decided to be a "couple". So in that week (ha ha), we kissed once on a dare in front of a bunch of people, then we hardly saw each other until we broke up...lol. I'll never forget when me and my bestest friend, Georgina, who lived across the street, decided to skip school and stay home and bake cakes and play guitar on our tennis rackets with Alice Cooper music blasting and his signature makeup on our faces. Well, one day turned into 2, 2 days turned into 3, and 3 turned into a week. Of course, we had a blast, we had so much fun! Until we got caught. Do you know how hard it is to go back to school when you've skipped a week of Grade 5?! The street we lived on had a great bunch of kids and we all hung out together. We actually carolled door to door for pocket change at Christmas! Does anybody do that anymore? We would ride our bikes for miles, climb trees, put coins on the train tracks, creep around the cemetery, catch tadpoles and watch them turn into frogs. I guess that year in Malton was a memorable one after all. Funny enough, nearly 30 years later, the new friends that I would make, had grown up in Malton and actually knew Kevin and his family.

Back to Etobicoke we move. The "condo" years.

I gotta take a break and fix the box that my Christmas tree came in. Be back later.

England to Canada

2011-11-22T10:01:00.001-05:00

I used to think I was lucky when I look back on my life but then I realized I have been fooling myself. I have made many mistakes and have many regrets. We are supposed to live life with no regrets? Unless you are raised in a bubble with someone to watch over your entire life, you are going to make mistakes and have regrets. My mum passed away 8 years ago, nearly 9. This time of year is always hard for me because I can still watch in my mind, every detail of her final days, hours, minutes. I was with her when she died. Let me tell you, she wasn't going towards the light...she was scared. Cancer took her. The man-made disease produced from all of the pollution and toxins in the environment, so the government could keep their coffers full. Ok, I'm a bit of a conspiracy theory fan. I can't help but think after the billions and zillions of dollars the "researchers" make every year on donations and charities...they haven't gotten any further in the cure? Ah well, how else are they going to cull the population without raising a stink? Anyway, enough of that. As you can see, my mind is all over the place.

Up until my mum passed away, I was married to a man that has a penchant for drinking volumes of alchohol. When mum died, I booted the husband out thinking that was what I was supposed to do. Life is too short...blah blah blah. Since then I have been struggling like crazy to get back on my feet. My dad bought out my husband on the mortgage of our home and my dad, myself and my two daughters lived in the house for another 3 years. Dad was 72 at the time. Trying to carry half a mortgage on a pension is tough so to make things easier for my dad and myself and kids, we sold the house and I moved into a 2 bedroom duplex rental. (Regret) Dad is better off, which I'm happy for. He has a great little bachelor pad in my sister-in-law's mom's house just 5 minutes from my brother and his family. Me, I pay $970 a month PLUS utilities so basically, I've traded a house for a rental and I'm paying the same amount. My kids have gone from having their own room to sharing a room. Our neighbours (landlord) live above us and are watching our every move. We can't have the tv too loud, the dog is not allowed to bark, the kids can't have a group of friends over. Its like jail...only worse. I'm kidding of course, I have no idea what jail is like. Although, I've considered it for retirement. 3 square meals, education, exercise, recreation...all paid by the taxpayer. Gotta love that!

Ok, lets start from the beginning....well, my 5th year on the planet anyway....

Although I remember snippets of life in England and the boat ride across the ocean to Canada, my sister, who is older by 3 years, can tell me things I couldn't remember. Like waving goodbye to our English family from the ship that would lead us to a whole new life in Canada. I guess my mum and dad wanted to start fresh. I can't figure out how they could have made such an epic decision to leave their families thousands of miles away. They said life would be better out here. There were jobs to be had. My dad is a tradesman. Tool and Die maker. In 1969, people needed money in the bank, a job to come to and a sponsor to live in Canada. Today, you can just walk off the boat with nothing but the clothes on your back and be welcomed with open arms. Again, thanks to the taxpayers, like my mum and dad and every other new immigrant in their day, they will be given a job, a home, monthly support. I'm all for people wanting to have a better life in another country but as we get older, we become cynical and blame the government for everything. Probably because the government takes a piece of our hard earned money; every pay cheque, every hard earned dollar we spend, every year at tax time when we have to account for our own money. Ok, getting off track again...

(regret) Coming to Canada. Ok, so I didn't have much of a choice but looking back on my life, growing up without my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents (that we saw maybe once every 3 years), I feel I don't really have any roots here in Canada. My sister feels the same way. My brother, who was born here, doesn't feel it though. This is the only life he's known. Don't get me wrong. I absolutely love Canada and all its grand beauty but my soul belongs in England. My English family didn't make out so badly, in fact, they did really well for themselves...all of them. Better than my parents, actually. But, if we could see our future, we wouldn't have regrets, would we? I know my mum loved England, she would always talk about it and we would always bitch at her about how we live in Canada and not to go on about England all the time. (another regret) because now I know exactly how she felt.

When we moved to Canada, we lived in Toronto, Etobicoke, Malton, Bramalea, Etobicoke and back to Bramalea again. How can a child feel secure and settled with all this constant moving? I was shy to begin with so making friends was a difficult dance for me. And when I finally did have a best friend, off we would move again. My sister turned to drugs and alcohol. She had 3 kids before she was 20. She's divorced. She's ok now though, thank God (if there is one). Do you know what this tells me? My parents were never settled here...never. The only person in our family in Canada that is doing ok is my brother. He's happily married, 2 lovely sons, a nice house, a good job. My dad drinks like a fish, gambles and gives the impression that he probably doesn't have much money in the bank. We suspect he lives pension cheque to pension cheque.