Smelly Billa

Episode 12: Translating Your Remote Control

2011-11-20T18:34:00.001+09:00

venturing beyond the power, channel, and volume buttons

guys! although we cannot reveal how, we have managed to secure an exclusive photo of a genuine english remote control for tv / dvd player / even vcr.

the best part is, is that it looks almost identical to smelly billa's official (non-english) remote control here in our studio. could they be the same??

our preliminary tests demonstrated a remarkable 88% similarity which you are welcome to feast your eyes on by clicking on the comparison below.

compare the korean button labels in the image to your own remote control. this should serve as a translation guide for you. (assuming you can read a bit in korean. learrrrrn it. it's super easy ;)

click to zoom in. these are our preliminary results. if there's a demand,

our underpaid translators have agreed to work on labelling the unclear

buttons in the 3rd and 6th sections.

we trust this will help you navigate better through your billa tv / dvd viewing experience.

and seriously guys- check those discount bins at the book stores here. you can find old goodies on dvd like pride and prejudice and gone with the wind. not something you wanna pass up!

Smelly Billa

want popcorn?

johnny random, 경기도 , 2011
this car stops for anne of green gables on dvd

click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

a little caution: maybe we made a mistake somewhere so use at your own risk... and carefully too so you don't tape over something you were wanting to watch later or like blow up a nearby car.

Episode 11: Help! I'm sick of eating the same few foods every day!

2011-11-20T18:25:00.000+09:00

a reboot for your billa pantry

so there's this neat website online that i like to think of as a reverse cookbook.

you just input what you have in your cupboard and it gives you a list of compatible recipes.

well, i've been so bored with my routine food choices lately, so i thought, heck-
why not input my whole grocery store?!

surely the site will give me tons of new ideas to experiment with (and kill my food-boredom)...

so there i was -in my head- browsing every section of the lotte mart near my house and inputting EVERYTHING that came to mind... even foods i've never bought or ones i'd gotten tired of...

and then i went to costco -in my head- and entered the things which i can get there (e.g., oatmeal, cream cheese)...

it was about 150 items in the end...

and here's what i got:
thousands of new recipes-

my own custom cookbook
according to what is readily available to me!!

mmmm!

so go browsing through your grocery store right now -in your head- and add everything you see.

and add even the stuff you'd never buy- you might be surprised how it contributes to your new custom cookbook!

enjoy experimenting with tons of new recipes!

all you need now is a cooking instructor. well, wok with yan has never gone out of style. nor has the urban peasant. enjoy cooking along with their terrific videos.

Smelly Billa

Shall we Dine?

jo minsu, 경기도 , 2011
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

a little caution: after doing all the work of entering so many ingredients from your grocery stores into the website, the information gets stored in your cookies so that your list of compatible recipes is never lost. this however means that if you ever cleared all your cookies that you'd lose your new cookbook and have to start again from scratch. maybe after inputting everything, take a screenshot of your ingredients list just in case.

credits: bacon, store, dishes.

Episode 10: Help! My Billa Shower is Cooking me Alive!

2011-08-27T17:29:00.001+09:00

controlling your water
temperature

many of us have had the same experience in our billa sink-showers: either screaming hot water, or the complete opposite. you turn the faucet down to what should be "nice and warm", but the heater shuts off as there's not enough demand for MOLTEN HOTNESS.

where is the happy medium?!?!?!

right here:

there are settings on most billa thermostats which you need to adjust depending on the current season.

in winter, the ~~boiler~~ hot water heater needs to work harder, and for this reason there's a "winter" setting. but if the winter setting is left on throughout the year, it is going to slowly cook you alive.

so look for these words* on your thermostat (they are your seasonal settings)...

봄 spring
여름 summer
가을 autumn
초겨울 early winter
겨울 live lobster
(aka winter)

* note - don't confuse 가을 and 겨울 (autumn and winter)

...and set accordingly!

now if this doesn't completely solve the issue for you, i have also found that raising the shower head by about 12 inches also makes a difference because water cools the farther it falls. smelly billa's own jo nadanshi wrote a useful entry for tall people (about raising their billa shower heads) and his instructions should help you just the same: here's the link.

let me know how it all works!

Smelly Billa

Why be Cooked Alive?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2011

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p.s. speaking about lobster, you should know that you can find lobster tails in the frozen department at some larger grocery stores here! great for the occasional celebration, like birthdays in your billa. as you're thoroughly defrosting (overnight in the fridge), check allrecipes.com for a good recipe.

of course if you have a fish market around, you can get a giant pot and go the route of the good swedish chef, but unless your town is quite near the seaside i don't imagine the "fresh" lobster will taste very fresh. :(

watch the clip and bask in good memories...

Billa Brief: ugly summer... not so ugly

2011-07-21T09:33:00.014+09:00

well, it's ugly summer again. that means two things for you and your billa: nightly mosquito raids, and soggy laundry that just won't dry!

remember to eliminate both of these issues by checking out the following posts at smelly billa:

just click.

also, all this humidity might be causing black mould to grow in your bathroom and around your house ~yes, that's what those black spots are on the wall :(

so check out this post on how to eliminate black mould from your house (and prevent it from returning too!)

dry bum, no mosquitoes, clean bathroom. ugly summer has not been so bad this year.

for all other things billa-related, check in at smellybilla.blogspot.com and browse the topics bar!

credits: image of mosquito; image of mould by bob blaylock at en.wikipedia; image of soggy-laundry bum by adriaen brouwer, 1631.

Episode 9: aggh! Sink-showers!

2010-05-10T00:00:00.015+09:00

your billa sink-shower and you

so ~~has this ever happened to you?~~
can you count how many times
this has happened to you?

once again mr. martin over at ROKetship nails it on the head, right on down to the ill-fitting green shower slippers.

and it's even worse when you're already dressed-up and on your way out the door, but need to run to the bathroom. turn on the sink and BLAM. you're all wet, and mad, and need to change. the blue jeans which just took 3 days to dry are now drenched and your cool hair-do ain't so pretty anymore.

wanna know how to get rid of this problem?

[click to read on]

let's play a game:

one of these things is not like the other...

yes, that's right. one of these things is not the same...

can you identify which one is different?

well, in four of the pictures, the shower is turned off and the sink is safe to use.

but in one of the pictures, you and your work clothes are about to get hosed down like a hot elephant at the fair.

~

and whether or not the shower is about to spray you, the faucet always looks pretty much the same.

and that is the reason you're spraying yourself all the time!

as for me, after i adapted an idea for my sink from my mennonite uncle Jake, the sink shower has not once caught me unaware

solution:

just put a little red sticker on the thing...

two stickers together: CLEARLY means this shower is OFF
and the sink is SAFE to use (without getting sprayed)

two stickers separated: CLEARLY means this shower is ON and the sink is NOT safe to use (yer about to be soaked)

that's it!

since using this method, i haven't gotten soaked once! of course it still requires a glance, but it now is even easier to notice in the corner of your eye whether or not the shower is loaded and ready to nail you.

yay!

Smelly Billa

~why get wet?

Jo-Na-Dan-shi, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

the suggestions in smellybilla posts are not to be taken as professional advice nor as universally applicable. every situation is different, so use these posts wisely and at your own risk.

p.s. guess what, it also works for other things:
is your door locked or unlocked right now? how 'bout your gas? is it still on, or did you remember to shut it off? locked or unlocked, off or on, there is little way to tell from these pictures...

but check it out. two stickers together clearly tells you from a glance that you remembered to lock your door...

from a glance:
clearly locked

yes, locking your door IS NECESSARY even in a relatively safe-feeling place like korea. unlawful entry, violent crime, and psychosis actually exist here too, just like anywhere (it is just more hidden).

and two stickers separated clearly tells you from a glance that you forgot to lock it (or that it indeed is unlocked for your friends who are on their way over).

no more need to test the door, or think you locked it (but didn't).

from a glance:
clearly left unlocked

some locker knobs are a bit loose on some doors. in that case, this sticker system would not be a very reliable one to use. weigh the situation and risks for yourself and proceed if you think it'll work. works great for me!

same thing with your gas. no more blowing up your billa!

from a glance: clearly left on

from a glance: clearly shut off

[fini]

Episode 8: More on Smelly Drains

2010-04-18T20:52:00.017+09:00

this just in: now you can block your billa's smelly floor drains without actually plugging them!

you may have already been using smelly billa to smell-proof your house, including a method using plastic cling wrap to cover your drains. as mentioned in that post, however, this very effective method could be very dangerous in the event of a plumbing or laundry leak (and not to mention inconvenient if you're daily uncovering and recovering your drain before and after each shower).

here are a few more solutions that have come my way which may help you greatly. the first two are for those of you with three inch drain pipes in your floor. to determine the width of your drain pipes, just use your fingernail to lift the silver plate off the drain and measure the width of the pipe. if they are three inch pipes (which is about the length of your thumb), here are two great solutions for you. first up...

idea 1: the cup trap

this traditional concept has been shaped into cup-form to fit into your billa floor drains. it keeps a little water in the cup, and the water actually becomes a floating liquid seal that guards against odour coming up out of the drain and into the apartment.

here's how it works:

genious! i have one of these installed in both my shower and balcony drains. the only thing is that the water in the cup sometimes dries up (on the balcony drain), allowing the smell of poo/death to waft up into the apartment (especially while the bathroom/kitchen fan is running [it pulls the fumes up!]). but if it starts letting smells through, just dump an inch of water down the drain and you're good to go again. all-in-all, this little thing works wonders.

print off this pic of the cup trap and bring it down to the open market (shi ja'ng) and find the man in the stall which sells hardware and rustic thing, and see if he's got one. alternatively, show the pics to your landlord or work manager and see if they can find the traps for you.

but either way (even though this item seems safe enough), i'd still have the landlord/manager install it so that if anything goes wrong involving a drain in your house (even if it's completely unrelated to or unconnected to you), no one would be able to blame you for something. (sticking stuff into drains is some sort of serious insurance category, i'm sure). as always, at your own risk, but this gadget has proved indispensable to me.

idea 2: the trap door

here's something neat: a small disc with little trap door in it which was designed to shut out food odours in your kitchen sink's drain basket.

even though it was designed for the kitchen sink, i popped one of these little discs onto my balcony drain, and it worked wonders! to test it out, i even filled up the washing machine, unhooked the drain pipe, and let the wash-water drain completely out into my tile balcony: the little trap-door thingy drained everything without causing water to overflow the balcony and go into my house. but it drains slower than the cup trap, and it has never been officially tested for reliability (e.g., little trap door getting gunked up and stuck shut or stuck open). i never had a problem with it during the time i had it installed, but use at your own risk.

idea 3: the floating cork

a little more on the homemade side is an idea which a missionary family here used to use years ago when they lived in a shabby place overtop a gross restaurant: take a large ziplock bag, put water in it, and put it over your drain like a flat little cushion. apparently it creates enough of a seal to keep the odours from coming up out of the drain. but get this (this is the coolest thing ever): you can even use this for your shower drain because as the water travels across the floor to your drain, the ziplock bag floats up and allows the water to drain. then, when the water is finished draining (i.e., when you're done your shower), the bag once again comes to rest over the drain, reestablishing the seal! waalaa! i've never tried it yet, but if you do (and do so at your own risk), let me know how it works.

idea 4: the smelly guys

lastly. apparently there is some company out there that comes and smell-proofs your drains with something similar to the trap door discs (above). a reader wrote:

wevegotseoul said... "There is an actual company that will come to you house and install drain covers so that it doesn't stink." [link to wevegotseoul's info on the matter]

sounds like you pay a bunch, but it comes with some sort of guarantee. haven't seen that company yet. but if you can find them (or have someone help you find them), you may be able to convince your employer to pay for the smell-proofing procedure. thanks wevegotseoul. [update: keep clicking through the links on wevegotseoul's post. there's a business card with the company's info.]

that's all. for more help with smell-proofing, check out Help!! My Billa Smells like Poo/Death!!

Smelly Billa

why stink?

Jo Min Su, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

Episode 7: Doing Laundry without Stretching your Clothes

2010-03-21T20:19:00.041+09:00

a very quick, cheap, effective solution

me: nice dress you've got there.
contesse d'haussonville: it used
to be a blue t-shirt. got a little
stretched in the wash.

my billa washing machine has three settings: coarse, vigorous, and psychotic. it comes in very useful for washing things like burlap sacks, football equipment, and large rocks. surprisingly compact, LG's Death Cyclone 3000 efficiently washes, rinses, and spins with the toughest; yet fashionably blends into my billa's homey atmosphere.

i had to learn the hard way, however, not to throw my favourite t-shirts into the DC-3000 unprotected. wash after wash, my t-shirts would get thrashed, get stretched longer and longer, and distort into a frilly wave at the waist area just like a pretty dress.

and it seemed as though my sweater sleeves were being yanked and pulled down to my knees.

that is once i got the mad octopus of laundry untangled after every wash.

just watch the following video which luke martin put together; it was alarming to me that the rest of the billa community was going through the same ordeals with their old-school washing machines:

has all this been your experience too? it hurts to watch the video almost as much as it does walking into a new acquaintance's billa only to find the same festering issues; clothes which take a week to dry [click for solution], dank-smelling mouldiness everywhere [click for solution], and of course, the mad octopus of intertwined (and badly stretched) laundry [read on].
and in the moment i think to myself, it doesn't have to be like this!! and then go home and quietly blog about it. anyway,

stop stretching your clothes

idea: laundry bags!

next time you're at any of the super-marts here (like e-mart, lotte mart, etc.), look either for the laundry section or the "dollar-store" section. in either place, you should be able to find little mesh bags which range from about the size of a small pillow to about the size of a big pillow. i go for the smaller ones as i think they protect my clothes better.* the smaller ones sometimes have pictures of bras on them so it's a little awkward to buy them, but i don't care that much. anyway, the bags look like this (see picture on right. the colored strip is a zipper).

now, just follow the instructions below in order to wash your clothes without ruining them in the wash.

step 1: get your clothes

step 2: put two or three shirts/sweaters in each bag
(two items minimum*)

step 3: throw the laundry bags into the wash as you
normally would throw in clothes. and just use your
typical settings, detergents, and softeners.

step 4: it will come out of the wash a tangled mess. here in
the picture you can see three laundry bags twisted together
with a towel braided through them (but at least it's not three
t-shirts twisted together with your sweater sleeve braided
through them!!). anyway, step 4: untangle the laundry bags
from each other. you'll find that each shirt has formed itself
into a small protected bundle* which has prevented it from
being stretched.

step 5: dry as normal.**
for best results, see how to dry your laundry in hours, not days.

and there you have it! a very cheap, easy, and effective solution for all your clothes being ruined!!

yay! no more silly-frilly stretched t-shirts or go-go-gadget arms on your sweaters!

smellybilla.blogspot.com

Smelly Billa
~
why wear a dress to school?

Happy Day!

Jo Min Su, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

FOOTNOTES

* as an additional note, i mentioned above that you should put a minimum of two articles into each laundry bag. the reason is: when the bags are stretched, one shirt goes into each end of the bag, creating two mounds. as the bags are torn at and twisted together, the clothes remain safe in each end of the bag. if you put only one shirt in the bag, it might not form itself into a protected little mound.

** btw, beware of your clothes being stretched when hang-drying, especially sweaters and knit things. the added weight from being wet causes them to be stretched when hanging. anyway, try drying sweaters, knit things, and heavier t-shirts flat.

(tip: in winter, the locals lay items on the heated floor to dry them.)

*** i've never had a problem but our lawyers here at smelly require me to say: the world is a strange place, so use smellybilla at your own risk.

Billa Brief: Baking without an Oven

2010-03-06T13:02:00.061+09:00

fresh warm bread and cake!

do you ever miss fresh, warm bread? melting butter into it right after taking it out of the oven? mmm.

most of you billa villagers don't have ovens, but as long as you have a rice cooker, you're in luck. check out these billa dwellers' blog and see all the rad things they've baked in their billa using nothing but their rice cooker.

here's some examples of the goodies they've baked up:

and homestyle mac & cheese!

banana bread

garlic peppercorn bread

even birthday cake for the husband

just check out their blog for recipes and tips:

The Todds

(pronounced, The Toads)

Smelly Billa ~ 빵!

Episode 6: Singing in the Rain: Your Billa Shower and You

2010-03-01T15:45:00.018+09:00

walking into his bathroom

betrayed the obvious:

the shower head.

good news for the 6'4" expat

meet livio. he's the only one of my cousins to have walked away from the sicilian mob without ending up at the bottom of a river. he now spends his days in a billa, making and selling leather purses. he tells me that life is much better in his little home, yet he can't quite figure out the infamous billa shower. in this billa interview, i asked him to explain the situation to me (but he only responded, in the classical foggy italian voice, "come. i show you.")
[click below to read on]

walking into his bathroom betrayed the obvious: the shower head.

sure, i guess that such a low shower head can do the job, but you don't want to crick your neck all the time just to rinse your hair.

here's a freebie for you: in the bathroom accessories section in any supermarket you usually can find various suction-cup devices which allow you to hang/move almost anything you'd like to, all without screws or adhesives. a haven for billa-dwellers.

pictured here is a holder for your billa shower head which fits onto your wall by suction. just detach the suction cup piece and press it against the wall till all the air is pushed out, and then fasten it back together twisting the knob till it's tight.

check out the before and after shots below.

before after

Does the trick.

Smelly Billa

why be
inconveniently
tall?

Jo-Na-Dan-shi, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

Episode 5: Doing Dishes without Busting Your Back

2010-02-07T13:11:00.015+09:00

your billa low-rider (kitchen sink), and you

meet luka. he's 6'10" and from finland. he teaches arts and crafts in a daycare and lives in a billa. interestingly, our only common language is k!xa so we are forced to visit each other with clicks and wails. the giant tells me mostly of the horses and ferns he has raised in the hills. he seems to be a quiet and simple person, and very content. his only complaint as we converse over milk and vodka is that the kitchen sink in his billa is so low that it kills his neck and lower back when he hunches over it to do dishes.

badly enough, i myself know exactly what he's talking about (even though i'm like two feet shorter than the great finn). doing dishes in my billa's low-rider sink hurts my back too.

anyway, enter billa 3M. take a look below at how to raise your sink by 7 or 8 inches and feel normal again. what you need is:

[click below to read on]

a sturdy cutting board and a stainless steel basin. just watch:

stick a sturdy cutting board over the sink, like so.

next, stick a big ol' bowl on it and fill it with hot water and soap. this is your new washing sink. the second sink on the left remains open as your rinsing sink.

note in the pictures that this is being done over a twin sink. but if your billa only has one sink, you can just skip the cutting board and put the basin on the counter next to the sink (to get the same heightening effect) and have your regular sink for rinsing. Not only does this give you a drain for rinsing, it gives you a second sink! (single sinks can be a pain).

now you're all set. just do the dishes as normal. notice that luka can now stand straight up if he wants to, and can still reach the dishes! no more grief here.

this method tends to produce a bit more splashing, so what you should do is put a towel on the floor under you.

and when you're finnished, just put away the basin under the sink to get rid of it until you need it next.

oh- i should mention. a big bowl like this could be expensive in a department store or supermarket, so what you could try to do is get one down at the open market (the outdoor market). bowls are typically cheaper there.

That's it! No pain. Clean dishes. Happy giants.

Smelly Billa
~
why be sore?

Jo-Na-Dan-shi, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

Episode 4: Infestation (in your bathroom). Battling Black Mold.

2010-01-24T16:39:00.027+09:00

Battling Black Mold

my high school foods studies teacher taught us a little about mold and bacteria. she said that the three conditions that they thrive in are moisture, warmth, and darkness.

my old produce department manager ryan told me that some drunk guys won a bunch of subs (sandwiches) on their way to a party at his house once, and hid them in the bottom of his china cabinet when they got there. anyway, ryan didn't know they had brought the subs in, and the drunk guys ended up forgetting about most of the subs by the time they woke up from their smashed stupor. the subs sat there for weeks.

later ryan opened the cabinet while looking for something, and had the shock of his life. a bunch of subs. what on earth!

as he told the story i said to him indignantly, "but didn't you smell them rotting in there over all that time?!!?!!"

he said he hadn't smelled anything, and that they actually weren't sitting there in a rotten heap. he went on to say that when he picked them up, they were hard as a rock.

dried out. interesting. anyway, pretty much end of the story.

but no mold. and dried out. this simple thought set my whole life on a new trajectory.

during my research and experimentation in the years that followed, i discovered yet another gem in the olde journals of early french microphysicist geordi la forge:

[click below to read on]

Even in warm and dark environments, but without sufficient moisture, life cannot be sustained. [Moisture], then, is the key to their survival. Eliminate this, and all else ceases. -- La Théorie, la Découverte.

(yeah- haven't you ever wondered why those loaves of bread on display in rustic-looking restaurants never go moldy? [not the ones glazed in lacquer, but the plain ones.] it's because they're so completely dried out that mold cannot find a place to grow. just like what happened to the subs in ryan's china cabinet.)

rad. now to your billa bathroom.

your billa's bathroom is pretty much one big shower. it is a 25 square foot shower with an exposed toilet in it, as well as a sink, and even a 220 volt!! outlet (so be careful!). your billa shower bathroom is often wet for days on end, and often gets black and pink stuff growing on the tiles and toilet... especially on/near the floor.

also your front door (the door, door frame, and behind the shoe shelf) tends to collect condensation a lot. so mold tends to grow in those places too. black mold.

part 1: preventing mold

your billa is heated through the floor and probably does not have any ventilation ducts. this means that your house is not ventilated (at all) and that you simply need to take a few steps to keep your air fresh and house dry. to prevent mold, simply prevent excess humidity in your billa.

i usually shower right before i leave for work, and that only increases humidity and leaves the bathroom floor wet. so after every shower, i make sure to open the balcony window for 20 minutes or so while i finish getting ready (i'll open the window even in winter for as long as i can stand it). this cleans the air, but more importantly, brings dryer air in.

you should open your window once a day (regardless) for at least a few minutes just to freshen the smelly, stale air produced by you sleeping and breathing for the past 12 hours inside your little enclosed (non-ventilated) billa.

over the next 20 minutes as i'm getting ready for work (with the window open), i have the fan pointed toward the bathroom. yes, it's the same life-saving fan that dries my laundry in hours (not days!).

by the time i'm finished getting ready, the air in the house is now dryer (and fresher). so i close the window and set the fan's timer to run its maximum course (3 hours) keeping it pointed toward the bathroom, and i leave for work.

i never even have to think about it, but over the next 3 hours the wind from the fan almost completely dries out the bathroom (just see section on puddles and wind!), totally eliminating the birth and spread of mold.

this trusty fan saves the day once-again with nothing more than dry air. the small increase on the electrical bill far outweighs the asthma and allergy symptoms black mold can cause me.

part 2: cleaning out existing mold

when i first moved in to what was then a very smelly billa, there was black stuff everywhere along the bottom of the main walls (especially behind the desk and counter), over by the door, and in the bathroom. i sprayed different things on the mold to see what would intimidate it. nothing seemed to work until james --the great social experimenter and teacher who was living in town at the time-- told me to fill up a spray bottle with BLEACH and water. (i just used straight bleach).

anyway. spray, spray.

a few minutes later i went back to spray the black mold some more, but it had mysteriously DISAPPEARED. it was gone. that's all. totally dematerialized by the bleach. ciao.

missed a spot there in the crack, but you get my point.

let me say: i adjusted the spray dial from 'mist' to 'stream' and shot it like a laser. that splashed, so don't try it or at least don't wear pants or socks when you're doing it or else you'll get awful bleach marks and ruin your favourite pants forever. i'd even be worried about your shirt, as the bleach can always spray back a little. setting the dial somewhere between 'mist' and 'stream' worked best for me.

to prevent splashing, spray the target up close.

oh- and wear a face mask. bleach fumes usually burn out my nostrils for a day or so. and forgoshsake what ever you do, be careful with the spray bottle and don't get bleach in your eye.

the mold comes back in little spots every once in a while, especially over by my entrance around the door frame. if left, it will spread again, even take over. but a few blasts from my bleacho 3000 ray-gun is all it takes to prevent that from happening again.

Smelly Billa
~
why fester?

Jo Min Su, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

* of course, take all this advice at your own risk. also, i'm really lazy so i just sprayed the bleach behind the desk and counter and on the wall and just let is dry there. it dries and hardens into little white crystals or droplets, so be sure to wipe it up if you have a pet or child. all pictures used click through to their sources.

Episode 3: Where are all these Mosquitoes Coming from?!!

2009-11-08T21:36:00.069+09:00

Where are all these Mosquitoes Coming from?!!

subtitle: Mogie-Proofing your Billa

A Cheap, Simple, Non-toxic, and very Effective Solution to no longer being Eaten Alive at Night.

after just one week of their covert, subversive attacks, a grown man experiences what it means to lose his mind, to crack, to snap, to break, to suffer.

there was a time when i too suffered the nightly attacks, the buzzing in the ear that leads to paranoia, the furious jumping from bed like a raging madman hunting an invisible enemy.

having to deal with mogies (mosquitoes) from june to november, the going theory here on the peninsula is that mogies get into our homes by coming up through the drains. i've heard it said that mosquitoes are very clever and always find a way in.

unable to keep mogies out, locals fill the air with spray repellents, or burn little wafers at bedtime which produce an (apparently) non-toxic repellent scent. it seems to work for some people, but i have my doubts about the non-toxic part.

but as for bugs coming up my drains... you know from episode 1 that my smelly drains are blocked and sealed like no man's business, and no bugs are getting in through there.

so where could all of those blood-sucking little dragons have been coming from? i needed to know.

searching through my billa, i was completely alarmed to find the following:

monsoon windows!

during the rainy season, korea can experience magnificent rain storms and even flooding. all the water that leaks into the windows needs a way to escape. so there are these holes cut into the tracks of the window-well which allow water to flow back out.

here's my theory. mogies aren't clever at all, but they are simply drawn (by instinct) to your window when the light is on. once they arrive at the window, they bounce around until they get lucky.

in this case, the kitchen light pours out through the holes in the window track and lures them in.

it only takes one mogie getting in to ruin your week, but i'm guessing that several mogies can enter in just one evening.

so anyway.

being a fan of the proactive approach to mogie prevention, i plugged the holes with some little scraps of cloth torn off an old rag.

before

after

warning: i'm in the relatively-northern province of gyeongi where the monsoon rains aren't as monsoon as in the southern regions. while i've never had a problem, you may find that blocking these holes causes water to fill up in the window well and flood your apartment. so be careful, and use this method only if you won't be putting yourself at risk of flooding, electrical damage, etc. refer to * below.

this slowed the mogies down a little. but they were still getting in.

i then noticed something else. track with me here...

looking closer, i found that there is an open gap between the window frame and the track.

just look at how much sunlight is pouring in:

and on the top too...

a pretty sizable gap. enough for ten mogies to enter shoulder to shoulder and crash your slumber party.

anyway, a little more cloth fixed that...

but be careful to seal it completely. notice the little bit of sunlight getting in, above...

be sure to get the top of the window frame, too.

p.s. this will keep your other window from sliding, and may even keep your screen from sliding open. but you seriously won't care (you'll be able to sleep without fear).

check around the rest of the window and screen, and find a safe and sensible way to block the mosquitoes out (and while you're at it, check the edges of your door frame. if you see sunlight leaking in by day, mogies will see house lights leaking out by night, and find a way in).

conclusion

i'm happy to report that i have just survived another 95% mosquito-free summer and autumn using a very cheap, simple, non-toxic method.

walking to my window while this post was still in draft, i noticed this little guy had gotten his head stuck in my screen sometime in the night.

trying to get in i guess.

it wasn't a mogie, but just goes to show that it's the light in the windows that draws them.

thanks for paying the visit. but you ain't getting into this billa, buster!

when talking about how many mosquito bites they wake up with each morning, my friends sometimes like to ridicule me, "wuuuhhh, i'm johhhnny. i don't gettt mosquitoes in myyy house."

let them ridicule...

...and itch.

(love you guys ;)

Smelly Billa
~
why be eaten alive?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

* of course, use at your own risk and don't flood your house as no one's insurance will cover you. more mogie solutions and mogie bite remedies to come in future posting. borrowed images click through to their sources. good luck!

Episode 2 Continues

2009-10-03T22:14:00.017+09:00

this is part 2. please see part 1 first.
last time on smelly billa...

understanding humidity and heat fields helped one billa villager kick mr. soggy pants in the rear.

tired of having a soggy bum and dampened dignity, this billa villager discovered how to get his clothes dried in a couple hours (not days) using nothing more than a household fan.

back to part 1

~

now

part 2: extreme seasons
(click below)

but right after posting last week, we experienced a sudden and surprising spike in humidity following some autumn rainfall, and i noticed that my hanging laundry didn't dry nearly as quickly.

so i did what i normally do to dry my clothes during humid summer months: i use the air conditioner.

an air conditioner not only cools air, but it de-humidifies the air also. dale from lennox industries told me all about it:

you'll never get a room cool until you can get it dry.

good word dale.

so it was rainy and humid last week, but not long after turning on the A/C, the air dried out in my billa and, with the help of my ordinary household fan, my clothes were soon dry. thanks to dale over at lennox, there haven't been any soggy pants in this billa for ages.

but what about getting stuff dry in winter?

as you might remember from the science cartoon last time, evaporation is hindered in cold conditions.

and there's nothing worse than going out on the town with a soggy bum on a chilly january night.

but using your air conditioner in winter just doesn't make sense.

you might even break the external A/C unit outside your window if you tried such a thing.

so in winter, in conjunction with my ordinary household fan, i also use a small space heater which has a (little) built-in fan of it's own. this warms up the air in the laundry area.

with toasty air, my trusty household fan does the rest.

turning on your floor heat may have this same de-humidifying effect, but i can't remember. if so, just have the floor heat on, open the door to the laundry area, and click on the big fan.

this little heater was around 30,000 won. its little built-in fan shoots the heat outward a few feet, which helps.

WARNING: don't set up electrical things like fans and heaters in potentially wet areas. you could seriously die (like the famous monk/writer thomas merton who died in a wet asian bathroom with a 220 volt [the same as korea's voltage] outlet).

the locals use their heated floors to get stuff dry overnight. they just lay their wet stuff on it like in the picture.

be careful with wool (or cotton that is not pre-shrunk). you might end up with a tiny sweater.

but if you have clothes that have gotten stretched, give this method a try and see if it snugs your t-shirt back down to size.

i've used this method in winter before, but sometimes it doesn't get things completely dry by morning.

that's all. air conditioner for humid months and space heater for cold months does the trick.

and for milder months, the A/C or heater only speeds up your drying time.

just dry out the air, and your fan will do the rest.

Smelly Billa
~
why be soggy?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

results may vary depending on anything possible in physics or biology, but it usually works fine. some things take me a little longer to get dry depending on their proximity to the fan, position on the drying rack, and composition. no risks come to mind, but i'm not a professional so i have to say, "use at your own risk".

stay tuned for more posting about washing and drying clothes in korea, how to save space when drying, and especially how to stop stretching and ruining your t-shirts, sleeved things, and delicate wears.

all images used in this post click-through to their sources.

Episode 2: Hang-drying your Clothes in 99% Humidity

2009-09-26T10:28:00.043+09:00

Hang-drying your Clothes in 99% Humidity

Part 1

An Inexpensive Way of
Reducing your
Drying Time

from

2 DAYS...

1 or 2 HOURS.

Honestly.

now just tell me that luke martin's comic doesn't say it all. just think of how many times you've waited days for your jeans to dry in the high humidity...

...or how many times you have not waited (and just gone out on the town with soggy pants).

yeah mr. soggy pants.

however, today's story is about pants dry and crispy. as a matter of fact, just last night in my little billa i did laundry and hung my clothes to dry on the drying rack, went out, came home a couple hours later and...

bam!

clothes were dry and relatively wrinkle-free.

and in order to share my secrets with the world, let me take you down the trail of my thinking.

what do hot soup, rain puddles, and radiating excessive amounts of body heat have in common?

nothing, actually. but they each share in a common theme in today's story.

picture it. it's august, it's hot, and it's sticky. my friend john leaves the office in the afternoon heat to pick up some dumplings. he comes back and sits down 2 feet away and i can FEEL his "heat field" radiating onto me. you see, everyone has a heat field, but right now i can actually feel john's affecting my own. fascinating and sick at once.

picture it. it's april and it's raining. sometimes the rain puddles dry up quickly even though there's no sunshine, and other times the puddles stick around for a while. what is up with that? i've even seen puddles dry up over night! when i was young, mr. wowchuk pointed this kind of thing out to me.

picture it. it's november and mama mia that soup is too hot to eat without burning my mouth off.

back to august for a moment. as you now know, each of us has an invisible heat field surrounding us which helps keep us warm. one of the reasons we feel cooler on windy days is because the wind disrupts this invisible blanket of warmth which surrounds us.

this is also partially why your spoonful of hot november soup gets cooler when mom tells you to blow on it before eating it.

"itsa hot, boy-a" i can still hear my ma say.

and it's the same story in april. during those times when the rain stops but the wind is blowing, the puddles dry up in no time (even without sunshine!) because the rushing air disrupts the "humidity field" which looms over a puddle.

you see, this creates free space over the puddle for more water to evaporate into a new humidity field (which the wind then sweeps away... and this allows more free space for evaporation... which the wind sweeps away, and so on until the puddle is all dried up and the worms get all dark and gross). this is my theory, anyway.

so, you already know what i'm going to say about your wet laundry, don't you?

simply hang your clothes to dry outside on a windy day on your spacious rural property in nebraska...

or...

do it billa style:

선풍기 입니다!

you see friends, just like with john's heat field, there is an invisible field of humidity surrounding your wet clothes. and as you may have experienced, jam-packing a drying rack with wet clothes actually takes longer for them to get dry because each item's humidity fields combine and keep each other wet (just as john and all his sweaty friends stuck together in a room would take a lot longer to cool down as their heat fields combine and keep each other hot). this non-drying effect is only aggravated during humid season. [UPDATE: see part 2 for hang-drying in humid weather.]

but getting your soggies dried is just a matter of using a fan to disrupt the humidity field around your clothes... and wala!

i've been using this fan-drying method for a long time, and it is so effective (and cheap) that i long-ago stopped dreaming about getting a clothes dryer (or lamenting the fact that i can't purchase one here).

just a little bit of downy fabric softener added to the final rinse cycle to get out the wrinkles, hang 'em up, click on the fan, and you're on your way with esso.

it works well to put heavy materials (like denim jeans) or priority items (like that shirt for work this afternoon) closest to the fan.

even if you're only on the peninsula for a few more months, go to the store or market and get yourself a fan for 30,000 won (a mere 25 bucks to ease months worth of burdens). ask your retailer for a 선풍기. you will not regret it.

try it. me and my friends get our stuff dry in a matter of hours (not days), even in august's 99% humidity. clothes, bedding, towels, even blankets!

yay.

to be Continued...

Smelly Billa
~
why be soggy?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2010
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

results may vary depending on anything possible in physics or earth sciences, but it usually works fine. use at your own risk and never stick your fingers in a fan.

special thanks to luke martin for the comic and stimulating interaction. check out the rest of luke's stuff at ROKetship.com. in a word, it is clever, succinct, and very telling of our experiences as expats here. kudos to luke on his skillful use of true comedy (i.e., hilarious without "having to" hit below the belt), a difficult and rare skill.

stay tuned for more posting about washing and drying clothes in a billa, how to save space when drying, how to use the fan-trick in winter, and especially how to stop stretching and ruining your t-shirts, sleeved things, and delicate wears.

all images used in this post click-through to their sources.

Episode 1 Continues

2009-09-19T19:25:00.025+09:00

this is part 2. please see part 1 first.

last time on smelly billa

the realms of the village underworld wreaked havoc on one billa.

despite continued strategizing, the beasts of waters black

could not be held back in their relentless invasion.

back to part 1

~

now

"who was left standing"

in B minor

(click below)

~

exhibit 4: The Final Battle

subtitle: do you think a little tape will stop the beast?

even though i had taken back the second outpost in that old battle down at the washing machine's drain (see exhibit 2), the beasts of the village-underlair were more clever and deceptive than i had skill to apprehend.

now, instead of drifting upward into the billa through that gap in the washing machine's drain, they simply stayed their course up the drain pipe. how ironic that this newly sealed pipe would become a newly paved way, a way into the billa from whence the beasts might reach the insides of the washing machine itself. and whither arriving, they festered and slobbered and awaited their onslaught.

log:

i thought i had every crack in my wall sealed. but these beasts had no regard for my wall.

'twas only the doomed drain of helm's deep.

video dialog: Helm's Deep has one weakness. It's outer wall is solid rock but for a small culvert at its base, which is little more than a drain.... [But] how? How can fire undo stone? What kind of device could bring down a wall?
[LOTR, Vol. 2]

and doomèd indeed was this drain.
the unassuming hole in the wall
which becomes passageway to
thee, mine enemy.
--La Forge

taking stronghold within the washing machine itself, the beasts curled out in a mad dance, foul of vengeance, far worse than in those days when i had first set out against them.

all this work, all this wall-building, pretty much ended like this.

the fall of helm's deep, its drain.

and who can tell the sense of defeat and horror which swept that day through the billa. for the entire battle was only a trap.

i too would now be pulled under into their bog of decay and deceit.

but it was just then, blind with doubt and falling to my face, that every never was met by every not, for it was as though wise lady galadrial of lórien herself appeared to renew my senses and my courage...

for before me i saw a twisting shape, a figure like a noose. and i heard this word:

this battle was to be a trap,
but not for thee who fell.
keep this figure in your eye.
for with ye, it shall go well.

and then i knew it. i was to jump over the walls and "trap" this beast in its own realm.

and in the wise lady's eyes i could see that this was to be the final attack and the last of arms, for after this, if valiantly i might wax, the shire would once again be safe and glad.

the following plan was drafted and executed:

it was midnight and i was alone. the beasts could be smelled a mile away and gaining. to make the drain tube longer by adding an extension was the first objective.

after lengthening this channelway into the underlairs, i might then bend it into a trap of sorts.

that is, a p-trap.

but the work of adding an extension would open the conduit between the billa and the lower realms. i had to be quick.

the beasts knew exactly what i was doing, howling furious with insanity across the chasm as i constructed the trap. and all the fouler became their stench as they drew nigh. but the daybreak we had all prayed for so long to see was upon us, for as quickly as that operation to stop the beasts began, it was all over.

because the trap shape is now installed, residual water will always sit in one end of the tube (between the washing machine and the trap) until being flushed by the next load. if your tubing is not long enough to form into a trap and still reach the drain, an extension can be purchased at a household appliance (electronics) store or at the open market at the stall that sells hardware and rustic things. again, make sure it's tightly fastened together and then sured up with the clamp-ring. See * at end of post.

the flexi-tube was almost rigid enough to hold its own, but i had to tie it together with a couple of those handcuff/luggage strap things (black).

and all over, indeed.

what greetings now await our visitor
yonder side our little gate.
a pretty snare, a little noose,
a tightened cord to seal his fate.
--La Forge

the beasts of waters wicked did arrive that night, i'm sure. but as soon as they did, they were taken down at that place which would forever, in village lore, become the last outpost.

and thus truly named, for those beasts of waters black have been as still as a stone since that hour, and until this day.

~

Conclusion and Aftermath

the billa underworld is nasty and vile, replete with orcs, hobgoblins, and the like. i suspect the invasions shall never cease, neither with fig nor frost. and i suppose that if any of these four outposts i've here chronicled were ever to shift or meet with neglect, even this, helm's billa, would again be taken.

however, now the old poem is made true:

billa, billa
beautiful bright,
what sweet smells
now envisage thy sight!
--La Forge

and a true poem indeed, for there is a new smell in the air, cleaner and fresher than ever before. 'tis a sweet scent which my friend John from the introduction thinks he's smelling each time he visits my billa.

but really, this overwhelming freshness is a phenomena known as no scent at all. [hear What is Odour, and What is the 'Fresh Air' Smell on Clean Laundry??]

and no longer am i met with jeers and pleas from billa villagers, urging me to just move on, to give up.

rather, when these folks pay me their pleasant visits, they now walk in and can't help but comment, saying "you just did laundry, didn't you?" or "it smells so good in here, did you just mop your floor?"

nope.

just a few tricks i picked up along the way from an old friend.

Smelly Billa

~

why stink?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2009
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

* the advice in this and in other Smelly Billa posts is not intended to be taken as professional or universal advice. while i've only enjoyed the benefits of (and have never encountered damage or distress as a result of) the above procedures, i cannot endorse these things to be universally effective or safe in every billa, nor be held responsible for things gone wrong. please assess your own situation wisely and with the counsel of elders, and proceed at your own discretion and risk. as an additional note, all taping-up of stuff in my billa described above was actually done by an "engineer" (엔지니어... the plumber who didn't believe me). the plumber's visit was arranged by my employer and through my landlord. it is always best to go through higher channels when fighting such beasts. after defeating one, it could whip around on its way down to the abyss to slice you in half with its razor-sharp tail, and take you down with it (i.e., you could get the smell out of your house but end up flooding your whole building and be hooped for ever and ever). Please be careful.

Episode 1: Help!! My Billa Smells like Poo/Death!!

2009-08-24T21:25:00.044+09:00

best viewed on site: smellybilla.blogspot.com

Help!! My Billa Smells like Poo/Death!!
subtitle: Smell-Proofing your Billa's Plumbing

A Similitude

Part 1

"i love the way your apartment smells!" it's what my friend John says every time he comes over. i tell him it's just superior pheromones, but he knows better. he knows this billa's been on the long, smelly road to snuggly-soft spring-freshness.*

log:

the toilet was flushed.
the garbage was out.
the sink drains were covered.
the bathroom fan was on.
the kitchen fan was running.
yet the the billa smelled like sewage.
open, raw sewage.

the putrefying fumes wafted up from the deep recesses of the village; a foul, underground network of poo and lies. it always found it's way to me. through the floor drain i thought. i meditated long and hard on how to block that floor drain, and launched many unsuccessful attempts. then, the biggest billa brainwave ever (inspired by the olde journals of french micro-physicist, geordi la forge):

i knew what i had to do was create a subspace field which would function like an infinitely thin --but rock-solid-- forcefield between me and the environmental phenomena i wished to avoid!

it was so simple but it changed my life forever: i could create my own version of a subspace field using nothing other than...

plastic cling wrap.

For best results and to maximize overall cling, spray a mist of water on the floor before applying plastic wrap.

Blocking of a floor drain is very unwise if there's any chance that large amounts of water could possibly be flowing onto the floor (e.g., as a result of laundry leakage or plumbing ruptures). This could be catastrophic beyond your wildest nightmares and not covered by anyone's insurance (not yours, not your employer's, and maybe not even your building-owner's).* (all asterisks[*] refer to the blurb at the bottom of this post)

UPDATE FROM EDITOR: see this new post for other smelly-drain-stopping methods which are just as effective and way less dangerous than this one! :)

but for some reason, the stench of methane gas and rotten eggs would still visit at random times.

through long and drawn-out months of investigation and people telling me to just move to another billa, several significant factors were discovered.

the following are my findings, broken into five readable parts which you can read over several sittings as you troubleshoot your own billa. [click below to continue reading]

exhibit 1: plumbing

the smell seemed to be coming from everywhere.

everything looked good when i checked my sink drain. no openings. the
sink drain even had a p-trap to prevent back-flow of smells.

but take a look at the silver finishing ring which sits at the bottom of the drain pipe.

it was in no way sealed down. it just lifted and slid up the chrome pipe like nothing. and this chrome pipe coming from the sink was half an inch smaller than the plastic pipe it connected to in the floor! the odour of poo and death had an open door into my life.

note that the fumes that wafted from the sink drain were mysteriously more awful while i was using the toilet (see exhibit 3).

anyway, a little tape fixed that.*

but the invasion persisted. and so did everyone telling me to just find another place. but i had other visions of freshness and a delight for my billa.

searching deeper and deeper, i found the following.

~
exhibit 2: the laundry drain.

it was the same story, the gap.

and again, the fumes that wafted from the gap in the laundry drain were especially awful while i was using the toilet (see exhibit 3).

anyway, a little more tape fixed that.*

if doing this, be sure to make sure your flexi-drain tube is tightly fitted to the washing machine and the ring-clamp is tightly fastened... because draining gets a little more intense once the gap in the pipes is closed (it has nowhere to suck air in as the drain "gulps").*

but the invasion persisted, especially while using the toilet.

~

exhibit 3: suction and diffusion

both the bathroom sink's drain pipe and the washing machine's drain pipe were successfully taped up, and that nasty floor drain was isolated. but as mentioned above, the wafting fumes were still finding their way into my house while i was using the toilet.

i could never accept that the poo/death coming out of the drain during toilet-time was my poo because blackwater (from toilets) and greywater (from all other drains) are supposed to go down completely separate pipes. i couldn't possibly have been smelling my toilet through my drain.

and besides, this odour was just not my brand.

but one afternoon while processing a fibonacci sequence, it finally dawned on me:

when i was using the toilet, the fan was on. and this created...

no less than just enough suction to awaken the beasts in the realms below the village, just where the grey waters meet the black. there, where the two waters meet, they swirl with everything awful and wrong. the beasts which emerge from this mad soup are then summoned by their master's whirling blades. these blades are referred to in legend as 환풍기 (or, bathroom ceiling-fan, standard). --village lore

this also explained why i would smell poo/death coming from somewhere whenever i used the kitchen exhaust fan, the air conditioner, or the hot water heater...

suction!

it had nothing to do with using the toilet! rather, the household fans were ironically drawing foul smells into the apartment. eureka!

but everything was taped up.

how could these beasts, these fiends of waters black still be finding their way in??

To Be Continued...

Smelly Billa
~
why stink?

Johnny Random, 경기도 평택시, 2009
click 'subscribe' to make your billa a happy one!

* the advice in this and in other Smelly Billa posts is not intended to be taken as professional or universal advice. while i've only enjoyed the benefits of (and have never encountered damage or distress as a result of) the above procedures, i cannot endorse these things to be universally effective or safe in every billa, nor be held responsible for things gone wrong. please assess your own situation wisely and with the counsel of elders, and proceed at your own discretion and risk. as an additional note, all taping-up of stuff in my billa described above was actually done by an "engineer" (엔지니어... the plumber who didn't believe me). the plumber's visit was arranged by my employer and through my landlord. it is always best to go through higher channels when fighting such beasts. after defeating one, it could whip around on its way down to the abyss to slice you in half with its razor-sharp tail, and take you down with it (i.e., you could get the smell out of your house but end up flooding your whole building and be hooped for ever and ever). Please be careful.