Unfinished Memories...

"A Disquisition on Government"

2014-01-22T00:32:00.000-05:00

Yup, you got it, John C. Calhoun. I kinda got tired of listening to radio fluff on the drive to and from work multiple times every week, so I jumped off the deep end with a foray into American history, beginning with an audiobook version of Calhoun's brief sketch (his words) on government. It's fascinating!

In order to have a clear and just conception of the nature and object of government, it is indispensable to understand correctly what that constitution or law of our nature is, in which government originates; or, to express it more fully and accurately — that law, without which government would not, and with which, it must necessarily exist. Without this, it is as impossible to lay any solid foundation for the science of government, as it would be to lay one for that of astronomy, without a like understanding of that constitution or law of the material world, according to which the several bodies composing the solar system mutually act on each other, and by which they are kept in their respective spheres. The first question, accordingly, to be considered is — What is that constitution or law of our nature, without which government would not exist, and with which its existence is necessary.

Here's the full text, if you care for a bit of light reading. *grins*

You Can't Go Back

2014-01-15T01:51:00.000-05:00

An idealist that wields scissors of brutal practicality and bitter realism. Something within compels towards hopes and dreams, but invariably hopes are dashed and dreams are snatched away; while those that remain are slashed to ribbons by the resultant whiplash. It's impossible to go back, regret is a waste of time, and friends are fleeting. What is there left? A dogged refusal to acknowledge defeat? A poignant yearning to live just one dream? An aching heart, grief over choices made, illusions shattered, and trust misplaced. But the ashes of life create the rarest treasure of all, the strength to dream again...

Friends

2014-01-08T18:39:00.000-05:00

I'm not really sure why, but I've been thinking about friends a lot recently -- not friends in the sense of this or that person -- but friends in the sense of what makes a person a friend, what influence have they had on my life, what makes a friendship strong or weak, what makes some last and others fade with time, and who would I be without each and every friend I've had over the years.

Some are distant memories, my thoughts of them are flitting shadows of bygone conversations and events. Some friendships ended well, with that sense of "it's been good, and this is the right time for an end." Others never really ended, and those leave an ache in my heart, the absence of any closure -- not that there was unfinished business, merely that the knowledge of the future was lacking when we last said our goodbyes.

On the flip side, when I think about my current friends, specifically those I would call my "closest friends" or even "best friends" (because I so don't believe a person can only have one best friend), there's an ache in my heart in a good way. Those people who have never ever given up on me, who went out of their way to be there if I needed them. Those friends who proved they were around to stay -- me, the girl that had practically mastered the art of living behind a smokescreen -- learned that some people could be trusted, some people could understand, and some friendships didn't end in goodbye.

It's still kind of strange to think about, the difference in 'me', inside if not outside, but I'm glad for it? And I'd like to say thank you to all of my friends over the years. I hope I've told you at least once what our friendship means to me... :) And if you're like me and curious regarding details about the first paragraph, ask me for specifics sometime, I'd love to share my thoughts.

Four Months

2013-12-24T02:04:00.000-05:00

It's been a long time since I posted. Largely a case of too many thoughts and not the right words to share them. It seems like there should be some sort of significance to when and what I wrote again, but when that day came around, I couldn't bring myself to write...

August 25th, December 25th... Just a couple more days until 4 months. It's hard to believe? It seems like a dream, but only yesterday... Sometimes it seems like I only dreamed my brother, other times there's this gaping hole in the family.

When I last wrote, the day after Benjamin went home, I said that maybe someday I'd share the whole story, and I think tonight -- essentially 4 months from when he left on the ambulance -- is a fitting time to do so.

I don't even know where to start. People ask how I'm doing and I tell them I'm fine. I tell myself I'm fine. But am I really? I've never shared 'my story' of those days, do I need to? Would it help ease this ache? I'm doing my dad's bookkeeping for him, and there's so many receipts from trips back and forth to the Mayo Clinic, receipts with food I know he liked, receipts from the last trip I took with him... I enter the ones from my trip out to JHBC last summer, and think about how on the way out, we had no clue there was anything wrong. I enter the ones from the trip to take Esther out this summer, and think about how we were blissfully ignorant of what we returned to face. But God wasn't... and I know He coordinated everything to His perfection... but sometimes, that doesn't help keep the tears away?

It's certainly given me a fresh perspective on the pain each one of us carries around, masked by what the world expects to see. I work at Target now, and every time I walk in the doors I think of how that memorable Sunday, my sisters and I drove over to get Starbucks ('comfort food'), and how we stood in line, our hearts breaking, and the workers there couldn't tell. How many other people do we pass every day, who are inwardly crying, their hearts bleeding, and no one can tell, and very few people care...

But I digress, I intended to relate the events of those last couple days. I mentioned in my previous post that it was Friday night, the 23rd, that Benjamin went into the hospital. He started coughing in a way he had a week or so earlier, when he coughed up a lump of something, so at first we assumed it was a similar situation. But it only got worse, never better... He could barely breathe, and we started getting concerned. My dad called the hospice care to ask what they thought we should do, while I called 911, not really knowing how to explain that my brother was having trouble breathing and we were all getting really nervous/scared. An ambulance was dispatched, and as we waited I texted my sisters and a couple friends, briefly explaining the situation and asking for prayer. The ambulance came, they got him on oxygen and moved him from his chair to one of their rolling beds. I squeezed his hand as they wheeled him out of the house, not knowing what the future held, but not expecting he'd never return home...

My dad rode in with him; my mom, two brothers, and I stayed at home. The boys tried to sleep, my mom waited for news from my dad, and I prayed, cried, and wrote... I felt like it was important to say what I was thinking, write my perspective down, before something happened... Somehow, saying it in the midst of confusion, anxiety, and waiting, made it more real.

To be honest, the order of the next few events isn't at all clear in my memory. I remember my mom telling me that they were taking Benjamin in for a CT scan, and I know I slept some. I think my mom woke me up to tell me that she was going in to the hospital, but I'm not sure if she told me the results of the scan then or later when she called. Sometime Saturday morning she called, told me that the scan showed the tumors which had filled the right side of his lungs were pushing and closing off his ability to breathe. The doctor said we had days at the most, and my sisters needed to come home. Some NTM friends drove Abigail up from school in southern Wisconsin, and I started calling JHBC staff to initiate arrangements to get Esther home. Our church took care of getting Esther's ticket and her pick-up ride from Minneapolis.

Early Saturday afternoon, I took the boys in to the hospital. Benjamin was on a ventilator and at times lightly sedated, but for most of the day he'd been pretty cognizant of his surroundings, able to hold a conversation via writing, and asked my dad what was going on. He couldn't eat, but he joked that he'd like some bacon... When they suggested that Jonathan and Caleb bring Lego Indiana Jones in to play while he watched, he made a shooting motion with his hand, because of how they did not play it to his tastes of the 'proper' way it should be done. Even in that situation, he still had his humor... The nurses said he handled everything better than most grown people they'd seen. And that's just the way he was, he took everything as it came, didn't really get ruffled, didn't really talk a whole lot about it. But he fought it, he was so strong, for three years of treatment...

When my brothers and I got to the hospital, I saw my mom standing in the lobby, almost in tears, and it freaked me out, I thought we were too late. Turned out we weren't, but it was really really really close... We were almost all there, standing around his bed, Esther was in a car on her way back to school from the weekend retreat they were at, so we called her, and she said her goodbyes. We thought it was the end. The numbers on his computers were frightening, they were so low as to be almost nothing. I think I cried more then than I did the next morning. It was just so sudden... I'd just gotten home the previous day...

But, I think Benjamin knew that Esther wasn't there, and he refused to give up... He wasn't ready to let go yet. He fought through the afternoon, and by evening was doing a little better, and feel into a natural sleep. We all relaxed a little bit, and just hung out there in his room... A family from church brought us pizza for dinner, and we took turns going out to a little playground to eat. Nobody had any intention of going anywhere for very long.

Esther made it on her plane, and as we tracked her progress homeward, we prayed that she'd make it in time. Sometimes Benjamin would wake up a little bit, but instead of refusing the sedative like earlier in the day, he asked for it. Asked to sleep, to not have to feel...

Around midnight, as Benjamin was still stable, I made a quick run home to get a change of clothes and such for my brothers and I, and to feed/water the 100+ three-day old chicks we had in the house. I may or may not have treated the speed limit as subjective that trip. But I was past caring... I just wanted to get back to the hospital.

I was able to chat with a former classmate later that night, and it meant so much that he was willing to stay up late and do that. Friends there when you need them... something like that is never forgotten. I eventually fell asleep, woke up when Esther arrive in the wee hours of the morning, and slept some more.

Sunday morning, August the 25th. Where do I start? Thousands of people around the world praying for us, knowing it was only a matter of time... Benjamin woke up enough to recognize that Esther was there, she was able to talk to him for a bit. It was still seeming so surreal, like a nightmare become reality. I mean, we knew all along that that type of cancer was rare, virtually untreatable, and extremely aggressive. But you never truly let go of the hope that maybe, just maybe, Benjamin would be the exception.

Mid-morning the doctor came in and talked to my parents, basically asking if we wanted to take him off the ventilator and let him go, or what. We wanted to ask him what he wanted, so they started lessening the sedative, hoping he'd come back to us one last time. In a way, he did... We were able to talk to him, and I think -- believe -- that he heard us. Esther was there, holding his hand, we were all standing around. My dad told him that Esther was there, and it was ok, he'd fought the good fight, and he could go home now... And, he did... One minute he was there, and the next he was in Glory, seeing His Saviour, and hearing "Well done..." We didn't have to decide whether to take him off the ventilator, to let him go, he chose for us -- God chose for us. And I am so thankful for that...

We cried, we grieved, we said goodbye, and we started informing everyone who'd been praying for us. The next couple hours are kind of a blur, but one thing that stands out crystal clear was a message of comfort that was not coincidence, it was God's hand again. Esther's 'anthem' for the summer was Matt Redman's song 10,000 Reasons, her prayer that when the end came, she'd still be able to bless the Lord, sing His praises. She and some friends sang it during the SSI talent show in July, dedicating it to Benjamin (and not giving me any warning that she was doing so, I was a basket case :P ); and when we thought the end was close Saturday afternoon, Esther asked if I could play the song for Benjamin, since she wasn't able to be there. That Sunday morning, that was the song that was on our hearts, and I lost track of how many people told us they sang 10,000 Reasons in church that morning, or heard it on the radio as they were driving someplace -- and most of them said it was right about the time that Benjamin said his last goodbye. Don't try to tell me that was mere happenstance, because I won't believe you.

Friends from church came down to the hospital, some family that lived close stopped by, and the hospital was incredibly nice in not kicking us out right away. I'm not a hugging type person, and neither was Benjamin, we were very alike in that respect. But, I hugged Benjamin before they moved him out, partly because he couldn't fuss at it anymore, and partly because I never had, and I didn't want to someday regret that I didn't the last chance I had... And looking back, I'm glad I did. It helps...

As time has passed, at least for me, the immediate pain has faded, but the emotional sorrow and grief hasn't, it's only gone deeper. I still stand on my original beliefs that God used Benjamin to bring Himself glory in a special way, and that the timing of his passing was impeccable, to the very second. I look forward to someday seeing just what God accomplished through Benjamin's life and his death, and I very much look forward to seeing my brother again. In the meantime, Christmas is almost here, another of those 'first time without Benjamin' anniversaries. We got lego ornaments this year, in his memory, and we got him one last one -- a lego pilot. I anticipate it'll be a bittersweet day...

It's a 'bucket of tears' collection of memories; but woven through all the events, decisions, up and downs, I can see God's unmistakable compassion. Hard as it was, it could have been so very much worse. We have a hard time processing how fast it all happened, but how much more painful would it have been to have watched him slowly decline? Up until that Friday, he wasn't in much pain, he could still laugh and joke around, he still had his impish sense of humor, he was still my brother as I'd always known him. And he did finally beat that cancer once and for all. It died with his body, but Benjamin lives. He won.

God's Impeccable Timing

2013-08-26T05:54:00.000-04:00

Where do I even start? On August 25, 2013, my brother went home, to the only home an MK can ever truly claim, to the only place an MK ever really belongs...

The circumstances were not what we ever expected to deal with; it was sudden, unexpected, peaceful, and not too painful for him... Perhaps someday I can tell the full story, but not yet, it's too fresh. But I will say that it's a story worth telling.

Right now though, my mind and heart are occupied with another train of thought; that of amazement and awe at God's guiding touch over this journey. Yes, there are still tears, and yes, I do (and will continue to) miss my brother. However, I'm not sad or depressed... I sorrow for the grief being experienced by my family and friends, and I know that it will take time to adjust to his absence. But, when I think about the past five years, or even just this summer, how exquisitely God orchestrated every little detail according to His master plan, all I can do is worship and praise God for His goodness.

It'd be easy to toss out a lot of "why" questions. Why was Benjamin's life seemingly cut short? Why didn't he get to experience a "normal" life? Why didn't God let him finish his time here with us? My cousin asked earlier how I was doing with everything, and as I contemplated how to answer her, my thoughts took a tangent as I realized that those questions are almost funny. There is absolutely no way that the God who so perfectly laid out the days and weeks preceding the events of the past 48 hours could do something so clumsy as to mistakenly call Benjamin home while the purpose of his life remained unfinished.

See, if God hadn't intervened months ago, redirected my steps and reordered my plans, I wouldn't have been home until the morning of the day Benjamin was admitted to the hospital. It might even have been later than that, maybe not even in time if all other events were the same.

I'd been planning on graduating from JHBC, coming home for a few weeks, going to Michigan for the summer with SSI, and then continuing to live in Michigan while working a job and volunteering with SSI. That was my grand plan for the foreseeable future. Then when Benjamin's three-month scan showed a drastic growth of the cancer nodes in his lungs, I decided to move home in the fall instead. It was a choice between my desires with probable future regrets, or my family with no regrets no matter what. Not really a difficult choice...

So that left me with graduating, a few weeks at home, summer with SSI, and then home again. That progressed as planned until the middle of July, when Benjamin was admitted to the hospital with severe pain. At that point I decided to just stay in Michigan long enough post-SSI to say hi to a classmate who had spent the summer out in Jackson, and then I'd go home.

But God had still other ideas... The beginning of the third and final week of SSI, my mom texted me saying that she'd asked my dad about those plans of mine, and he'd replied that I should consider coming home sooner rather than later if I wanted to have much quality time with Benjamin. That threw me for a tailspin... I hadn't realized he'd declined so rapidly or that far. Esther was at SSI with me, and we contemplated leaving right after her campaign team's debate in order to get home a few days sooner, but we both wanted to finish it out. My mom agreed to stay a couple days longer in Michigan to allow me a couple final outings with friends (including a trip to the Lake O antique store, practically tradition by that point!). Then we went home...

Oh, wait, I forgot another part. I'd also originally planned to finish the last week of SSI and fly out the next day to Virginia for a wedding and to see my boyfriend. Early July we regretfully cancelled those plans, the logistics just weren't jadi-ing (er, working out?). That decision made it substantially easier to choose to return home after SSI, otherwise I would have been very torn.

We got home either the 31st of July or the 1st of August, don't remember exactly. On the 17th, my mom and I drove Esther out to school in Wyoming. In June we had planned for her and I (and maybe my mom) to go out with a friend from Michigan, their son and Esther to stay at JHBC, me to see friends and act as a relief driver on the return trip. But when teens started collecting belongings to take, and the suitcases started stacking, they realized they didn't have space for Esther and her stuff, and me, and my mom; so the decision was made to drive separately. We drove Saturday and Sunday, got there in the evening; stayed through Wednesday morning, and made it home by early early Friday morning. We were anxious to get here, and chose to drive through the night on Thursday.

Friday, August 23rd, was a very enjoyable day being at home, talking and laughing with Benjamin and our visiting cousins. I made Benjamin a glass of his favorite lemon tea (which he declared to be the best he'd had in a while), and we talked about getting some of the Marvel superhero movies from the library to watch, beginning with Iron Man. That evening, as we were watching an old movie version of Prince Caspian & the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, Benjamin started coughing... and thus began his whirlwind journey to Glory.

We had that last day home with him because we'd driven separately (the other mom hadn't made it home yet, so neither would we have been home); but not only because of that, but also because we drove through the night Thursday instead of stopping to sleep along the way. Such trivial choices, but of such huge significance...

Pretty sure I didn't adequately explain everything, but I think the idea is clear. Looking at only my plans, for only this summer, there are so many "if this had been different..." situations and choices. If I hadn't come home sooner, I would have missed those last 2+ weeks with my brother. I would have missed sitting and laughing with him, playing minecraft together, our last family pictures, buying him a gigantic flyswatter and seeing the impish delight on his face... So many special memories that I will hold tight for the rest of my life. And I could have so easily missed out.

Now tell me, is it in any way possible that the God who coordinated that hectic summer schedule to such a degree of perfect culmination could have neglected to complete Benjamin's allotted time to an impeccable finish? My brother was put on this earth, in my family, in order to fulfill a specific and individual destiny, a calling solely his own, almost like a soldier given an assignment. I don't claim to know the particulars of how God had determined to use Benjamin's battle with cancer for His glory, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God allowed him to stay here on this earth with us until every last minute detail of his assignment was finished.

Why should I wonder if Benjamin was "taken before his time"? Question whether he could have accomplished something more here on earth if he'd only been given more time? I can't think of a comparison ridiculous enough to express how thoroughly I reject that idea. It simply isn't possible... it isn't consistent.

Benjamin's life with us was the perfect length, designed to give God the most glory possible. And he finished well... He fought the good fight, and was a witness and a testimony to thousands of people on every continent -- and quite a few islands! What more could I ask for in a brother? He was the bravest and strongest person I'll ever know... and I am so proud to call him my brother.

All For His Glory, Part 2

2013-08-24T04:51:00.000-04:00

Throughout the past five years, many people have told me to pray for healing for my brother, that it isn't God's will that he be sick like this. However well-intentioned their efforts may have been, I can't help but disagree -- strongly. If you're one of those people who I've discussed this with, and you're reading this, please be assured that it is not my intention to target these thoughts at you. I'm merely trying to explain my position, and why I do not pray "for Benjamin's healing." Hopefully my reasoning is somewhat easy to follow...

- - -

I believe the healing argument goes something like: "Jesus came and died on the cross to conquer sin and death, and break the curse. He rose again, we are no longer under the curse, and disease has no power over us. Therefore, it is God's will that we be healed from whatever disease a person may be facing. Jesus healed anyone who asked, God is a God of healing, etc."

My first thoughts run something like this: Yes, suffering is a result of the curse and not a part of God's original creation; and yes, Christ died and conquered death and the curse. But it does not necessarily follow that we have been given physical freedom in this world. Spiritual freedom is given when He creates in us a new heart, but these bodies still bear the marks of sin and disobedience.

A "God of healing" is a tempting position, I admit; but I cannot believe it. Something restrains me, nagging at the back of my mind until I acknowledge it. See, if I were to believe that it is God's will to heal Benjamin, and then Benjamin remains unhealed... whose fault is it? I would want to blame God, to doubt His love for Benjamin and my family. I would question my faith and the faith of everyone who was praying. If God's will for my brother equals healing, then what has Benjamin done that he isn't healed? Do you see what I'm trying to say? And it's not just Benjamin; extrapolate that concept to the nation, the world, all of history since Christ came. What was wrong with the faith and beliefs of thousands of Christians that they suffered disease in their bodies without healing, when healing was available for the asking?

In contrast, if God's will for my brother's life is to bring glory to Himself, then that can be accomplished through healing or through strength to endure and still praise Him. I believe with all my heart that Benjamin is privileged, both because he gets to go home sooner and because God is working in and through him in ways I can't even begin to imagine. If I pray for healing, I'm praying for my own desires, because I don't want Benjamin to leave us. But how dare I pray to take away this special calling? I won't do it... and so I pray that God will give me strength when I am weary, that He will bring peace to Benjamin's heart and comfort to his body, that He will use this as a witness all around the world, and that He will do whatever will bring Him the most glory -- whether it be healing in this world or the next.

If God knows everything -- and He does (Isaiah 46:9-10) -- then He knows what is best for Benjamin.

If man was created to bring God glory -- and he was (Isaiah 43:7) -- then our best is whatever is the most glorifying to God.

If God is powerful enough to do those things which bring Him glory -- and He is (Psalm 135:5-6) -- then we can rest confident that whatever transpires, it is ultimately for the glory of God and for our best.

I'm not saying it's easy to rest on God's absolute sovereignty, because it's not. But it is the only way to cope with difficulty. See, if I pray for something, then I am believing that God has the power to answer my prayer -- I'm acknowledging His sovereignty. So if instead of fighting it in other areas, such as my brother's life, I embrace it... well, I don't find it oppressive, I find it beautiful, and a rock on which to stand. And that is why I don't pray for healing, but rather that God uses Benjamin's trials to reveal Himself those who will see Him.

All For His Glory, Part 1

2013-07-31T01:19:00.002-04:00

Sickness and healing.
God's grace and God's sovereignty.
Faith and trust.
Glory and praise.

These topics weigh heavily on my mind and heart in recent days, and I imagine shall continue to do so indefinitely. Where is the balance? Do I have the correct perspective?

Most anyone who is reading this knows at least briefly of what my family has been dealing with for the past five years -- my brother's cancer. For the first few years I never really contemplated anything long-term; it was all in the present, would be dealt with, go away, and never come back. Then... it did come back. And came back again. And spread, and grew. And I became terrified by the thought that I was going to lose my brother.

Of all my siblings, he's the one most like me in temperament and interests. He was getting to the age where he was becoming a friend as well as a sibling. I thought about my younger brothers, who would someday be in their teens and not have an older brother to look up to. I thought about my family's roll call, how "Hannah Abigail Esther Benjamin Jonathan Caleb" would become "Hannah Abigail Esther, *pause*, Jonathan Caleb..." But, Benjamin would still be there, except, he wouldn't. I thought about my parents, who called me "Benjamin" until I was born, who called Abigail "Ben-Abby," who then had Esther, and then finally Benjamin. My dad's firstborn son... I thought about Benjamin's dreams of becoming a policeman or a missionary pilot. I thought about everything that could have been, but wouldn't... and I cried out to God, "why, oh why..."

In October of 2012 I was at school in Jackson, Wyoming, and our current class was with Eric Hovind. The main focus of the class was on apologetics, how to give a defense for our faith -- specifically to someone who denied that there was a God. But an interesting thing happened during the week, we repeatedly found ourselves on bunny trails discussing how everything can and should be for the glory of God. I'm positive that it was God's direction though, because partway through that week was when I got some of the worst news about Benjamin. I don't even specifically remember which news it was -- perhaps that the clinical trial he was participating in was ineffective -- but I skipped the last hour of class and went for a walk. For those of you who know the area, I walked almost all the way to Teton Village before Holly came and picked me up and drove me back to school. It was a difficult week, and I struggled with trying to comprehend how this horrible thing Benjamin was fighting could be "for the glory of God."

The end of the week came, and our final assignment was to write a short paper about what God had done in our life through the class. This is part of what I wrote:

When I got the news that my brother’s cancer had gotten worse, I went for a walk; and at first I was just complaining and asking God “why”, I told Him that I didn’t understand why He would do this to my brother, to my family, and to me. But I started remembering what we’d started to talk about in class, and I asked God to help me accept that even though I don’t understand, this will be to His glory. And... He did something in my heart... I still don’t understand, not by any means. But I understand that God does understand, and that this wasn’t an oversight, there is a purpose. I think what I’m trying to say is that I realized that when one accepts that the ultimate goal of all creation, of each individual person, is to live to glorify God in all that we say, think, and do; I can start to see that somehow -- God alone knows how -- my brother has been chosen for a unique path of glorifying God with his life [and maybe even with his death]. I don’t pretend to understand it in the least, but I acknowledge that it is so; and with that acknowledgment comes a peace beyond comprehension.

There have been a lot of changes in my life since then; classes, homework, deep theological thoughts and discussion, deepening friendships, graduation, etc. Benjamin's cancer continues to worsen... But, despite everything, the premises and beliefs stated above have remained constant. Oh, sure, everytime I get bad news I have to take a walk and struggle through all the questions, fears, resentment, anger, and grief. But through the grace of God I find peace at the end, and I can truly say that I will praise Him in this storm.

This post sort of took a different direction than I originally had intended, but that's ok, I'll save those thoughts for another time.

1 Timothy 1:17 "Now unto the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be honour and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

Evangelism & The Sovereignty of God

2013-03-26T16:41:00.000-04:00

My current class is "Theology Proper", or, the study of God Himself. Part of the homework is to read a book, and write a short book report (3 pages) on its content and including personal insights and applications. I chose a book by J.I. Packer, called Evangelism & The Sovereignty of God. I chose it because it discusses the relationship between God's sovereignty and man's responsibility, which is something of keen interest to me. It's definitely very thought provoking, but what I wanted to share is an excerpt describing the Gospel, or "good news." I really liked the wording, comparisons and contrasts, and parallel language. Ok, so I also like the complex grammatical structure. It reminds me of how I try to write my papers before Kenny edits it out. :P *grins*

What was this good news that Paul preached? It was the news about Jesus of Nazareth. It was the news of the incarnation, the atonement, and the kingdom -- the cradle, the cross, and the crown -- of the Son of God. It was the news of how God 'glorified his servant Jesus' by making Him Christ, the world's long-awaited 'Prince and . . . Savior'. It was the news of how God made His Son Man; and how, as Man, God made Him Priest, and Prophet, and King; and how, as Priest, God also made Him a sacrifice for sins; and how, as Prophet, God also made Him a Lawgiver to His people; and how, as King, God has also made Him Judge of all the world, and given Him prerogatives which in the Old Testament are exclusively Jehovah's own -- namely, to reign till every knee bows before Him, and to save all who call on His name. In short, the good news was just this: that God has executed His eternal intention of glorifying His Son by exalting Him as a great Saviour for great sinners.

-- J.I. Packer, Evangelism & The Sovereignty of God, p. 47

Selalu Saudade

2012-09-23T20:49:00.000-04:00

I've been trying to find a way to describe how I often feel these days, only to remember that I'd read and posted previously an article where a word was described that is exactly what I'm feeling... like, when I stand on the shore of the Yellowstone Lake, and hear the right sounds of water crashing into the shore, but realize that the view is all wrong... it should be that indescribable blue, there should be white sand underfoot, palm trees throwing a long shadow, mountains hazy in the distance... And that word is "saudade".

What is described are feelings so deep that you can scarcely give words to them. Your throat catches and you try and describe intense longing and desire only to remain wordless. . . . What we long to describe is "Saudade".

"a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness"

. . . For many there is a clear recognition that they will never go back to the place where they feel most at home. They realistically accept this but not without "Saudade".

. . . I have that longing for something that "does not and cannot exist" and I know that. On my good days it is well hidden under the culture and costume of which I am now living. But on my more difficult days it struggles to find voice only to realize that explaining is too difficult.

. . . Finding this word gives voice to these longings.

. . . We are neither of one world or the other, but between. Our earliest memories are shaped by sites, sounds and smells that we now experience only in brief travels or through movies and television.

. . . All of those physical elements that shaped our early forays into this world are of another world.

(Ok, ok, I'll admit it, the title mixes and slaughters two different languages. :P )

My Memories...

2012-09-17T03:27:00.000-04:00

I originally wrote this to a friend as my family and I were preparing to leave Palu for Singapore, in 2010. I wanted to post this the evening before I left in June, but I couldn't bear to read and edit it then... so now, when the nights are long and sleep won't come, I face the memories. Only changes from then to now are paragraph breaks, and a bit of capitalization.

I was thinking yesterday, about how when we came back to Palu a couple years ago, how so many memories came back... things I'd totally forgotten...

So then I started talking to myself... and sort of made up this story about how, because of how much I loved Palu - when we left in '01, my memories couldn't come with me...

They couldn't bear to leave Palu... the attachment was so strong... so they stayed with me all the way to the airport... and then as Delta took off... they slowly slipped away... and floated back down to the city... some stayed longer than others... but so many of them did depart...

Like, the memories of the bike rides with my dad, and how we'd go down to the beach, park our bikes, and walk along the shore... looking at shells, and just spending time together... and memories of playing hide-and-go-seek with the housegirls... how we'd lay in the shadows next to the wall, and if your clothes were the right color, and you hid your face... the 'seekers' could come within feet of you, and not see you... and then there were the other memories of things around the Guest House... how I loved having the missionaries there... and I'd put flowers in their rooms for them...

When I left, all those memories left me... I felt so alone... and confused... and empty... I don't know what my memories felt like, being left in Palu... I thought I'd never see them again. The flight program was closed down, missionaries left the tribe... it was too 'hot' for people to live here...

And then we went back to the States, and I forgot my memories existed... and then one day we got the news that our house contract up in Manado had been broken, so when we came back...we'd be coming back to Palu. And then I remembered the memories that had stayed behind...

We finally left the States, and started the long journey home... and when we landed in Bali, I knew I was on my way home... and when we finally made it up to Palu, and landed at the airport... and walked across the tarmac into this little dingy, crowded room... that hadn't changed a bit since last I'd seen it oh so many years before... and I was home.

We drove over to the new Guest House... and walked in... the building was different, but the contents were the same as what I'd grown up with... and I spent a couple hours wandering the house... touching everything... and feeling my memories welcome me back with open arms

And then we started driving around the city... and I saw the palm trees silhoutted against the sunset... and the reflection of the mountains on the water of the bay... and the 'muddy river'... and everywhere...there were memories waiting for me. I didn't realize how many of them there were...

And as their shadowy forms slipped back into my mind, and into my heart... I felt the pieces of my heart that had chipped off all over the world, come back into place...

And one day, after we'd seen Wera Falls... and after we'd been up to Donggala... we went up to the Meadows... and up there, on a hill overlooking the city... facing the opposite mountains... with the view of the bay stretching out into the boundless ocean... far, far out to the horizon... the last of my memories came home. And for the first time in over seven years, all of me, was in one place. And I think then, I began to really actually live again...

And now, we're leaving... for a year, maybe longer... and we drive around the city, and I look and look... and try to memorize every little detail... the children playing in the river... the mountains... the clouds, the stars, the sunsets... the different buildings that I've watched be built, repaired, and torn down... and I'm wondering if, when we board that plane, and take off... if my memories are going to come with me... or whisper their goodbyes, and float back down to once more take up their residence amongst the unseen... and wait for me to come back... again...

I don't know... but I'll find out soon...

JHBC: Leigh Lake

2012-09-14T20:29:00.000-04:00

I just got back from a three day camping trip at Leigh Lake, in the Grand Teton National Park. :) It was pretty fun. A short hike in, set up camp, napped on the beach, dinner devotions, fun conversations, freezing night, day hike to a couple other lakes, quiet afternoon, another enjoyable evening, another freezing night, and then hiked out the next morning.

Leigh Lake is at the foot of Mt. Moran, which was kind of cool for me... other NTM missionaries will probably get it, I think.

These are a few of my favorite pictures from the trip... :)

Revelations 13:8

2012-09-11T18:33:00.000-04:00

I'm reading through some chapters for a class assignment, and had my attention grabbed by the way different versions translate Revelations 13:8 (specifically the last half of the verse). So here, read through, and then I'll add some thoughts at the end.

Young's Literal Translation:
"And bow before it shall all who are dwelling upon the land, whose names have not been written in the scroll of the life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world;"
King James Version:
"And all that dwell upon the earth shall worship him, whose names are not written in the book of life of the Lamb slain from the foundation of the world."

But then I checked a few other versions I had on my computer.

English Standard Version:
"and all who dwell on earth will worship it, everyone whose name has not been written before the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb who was slain."
New English Translation:
"and all those who live on the earth will worship the beast, everyone whose name has not been written since the foundation of the world in the book of life belonging to the Lamb who was killed."
New American Standard:
"All who dwell on the earth will worship him, everyone whose name has not been written from the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb who has been slain."

And, to add in a couple thought-for-thought translations.

New International Version:
"All inhabitants of the earth will worship the beast—all whose names have not been written in the Lamb’s book of life, the Lamb who was slain from the creation of the world."
Holman Christian Standard:
All those who live on the earth will worship him, everyone whose name was not written from the foundation of the world in the book of life of the Lamb who was slaughtered."

I haven't done hardly any research on this, so I'm not giving an opinion per se, but it is interesting some versions put the phrase "from [before, since] the foundation [creation] of the world" after "the Lamb", while the others put it before. Initial reading lends itself to the idea that putting it after implies that it refers to the Lamb; before, that it refers to the names written in the scroll...

Los Angeles to Michigan: Miscellaneous

2012-09-04T01:37:00.000-04:00

And... the last of my pictures from the 'transcontinental roadtrip'.

The one of Esther is, I believe, from the Grand Canyon? And the others were a campground in Colorado...

Los Angeles to Michigan: Florissant Fossil Beds

2012-09-03T00:18:00.000-04:00

I had specifically saved camera battery so that I could take pictures at Mesa Verde, but it succumbed to 'death' shortly after that, while at the Florissant Fossil Beds National Monument. So I have pictures from there, but nothing after... Anyhow, we didn't see any fossils there, but lots of petrified trees. :) Including one with a young pine tree growing through the stump!

Los Angeles to Michigan: Mesa Verde

2012-09-01T19:42:00.000-04:00

After Four Corners we went to Mesa Verde. We got in later afternoon, camped overnight, and then did the 'sightseeing' the next day. I'd wanted to go on a hike down to an actual cliff dwelling since the last time we were there, and this time it happened! :)

Los Angeles to Michigan: Four Corners

2012-08-11T00:02:00.000-04:00

Our next stop was Four Corners. We had to pay entrance per person, so we parked outside and just three of us went up, myself included. :)

Los Angeles to Michigan: Canyon de Chelly

2012-08-09T22:19:00.000-04:00

Our favorite stop... and our least favorite stop. It was during the hike down into this gorgeous canyon that our vehicle was broken into and we lost so much. I can still appreciate the beauty, but I'm not sure I wish to return anytime soon...

Los Angeles to Michigan: Petrified Forest

2012-08-09T04:52:00.000-04:00

After the Grand Canyon, we proceeded to the Petrified Forest (and a bit of the Painted Desert). It was, beautiful, hot, desolate, windy, and dry...

Los Angeles to Michigan: Grand Canyon

2012-08-07T21:16:00.001-04:00

The first stop of our transcontinental roadtrip was the Grand Canyon. :) The picture that looks like clouds above the forest was smoke from a fire!

To whom it may concern:

2012-07-17T23:39:00.000-04:00

I'm not dead, dying, nor an outcast in a ditch someplace (Jane Eyre); however, I have been rather busy with SSI (Student Statesmanship Institute), recovering from the lack of sleep during SSI weeks, catching up with old friends, preparing for college, and struggling with the US government's crazy red tape.

SSI has been awesome! We're made it through two out of three weeks so far, I've been assigned a House of Representatives committee to work with both weeks. The conversations with kids and fellow volunteers have been incredibly amusing (almost crying from laughing to hard), and extremely thought-provoking as well. There's half a dozen of us 'teens' who are working all three weeks, and I've greatly enjoyed developing friendships with them.

We average about 4-5 hours of sleep a night, with possibility of a nap during the morning; so you can see why I mentioned sleep recovery on our 'off' weeks. My roommate apparently returned home and slept 17 hours straight!

I've been able to see several of my best friends from the area, and have plans to see a couple more before I have to leave. It's been super nice... :)

I came back from Indonesia with three outfits of summer clothes, and very little in the way of anything else required for even a normal college experience -- much less one with a lot of backpacking and hiking! I've gotten some of what I need, but am still missing things like winter coat(s), hiking boots, and a backpack. Some or all of that will hopefully be acquired later this week. I've also made some headway towards replacing those items which were stolen in Arizona.

Red tape... Good grief, where does a person start? To replace my passport, I need to prove my identity. The way they request me to prove my identity is through some other form of photo ID. However, I have no other ID, as my passport was stolen, and I've been out of the country for 4 years. To obtain said forms of ID, I need to prove residency. To prove residency, I need official mail. To register for something that will send me something that qualifies as official mail, I need a photo ID! Gaahhhh....

Farewell to Skikkles

2012-05-18T13:54:00.000-04:00

Today, I took my hedgehog back to the pet shop. See, one of the main reasons my dad bought him for me despite the shortness of our remaining days here, was that the store owner said he would buy Skikkles back when we had to leave. So today, we took him back. And, surprise surprise... he turned out to be a she! Which was actually quite convenient, as he already had a couple of males but no female company... hehe. I hope Skikkles will be happy, she wasn't taking too readily to company in her pen though!

A few days ago, Abigail took some pictures of Skikkles, which made/makes me happy, because I really have very few pictures of her... it being difficult to grab a camera for 'the cute picture' when one doesn't own a camera. :P

But anyways... I am definitely going to get another hedgehog someday. :) And he or she will also be named after a Redwall creature, hehe!

"Saudade"

2012-05-01T23:42:00.000-04:00

A friend posted this article on Facebook earlier, and it's so worth re-sharing...

... What is described are feelings so deep that you can scarcely give words to them. Your throat catches and you try and describe intense longing and desire only to remain wordless. How do I know this? Because I have experienced it first hand. What we long to describe is "Saudade".

"The famous saudade of the Portuguese is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present, a turning towards the past or towards the future; not an active discontent or poignant sadness but an indolent dreaming wistfulness." ~ In Portugal of 1912, A. F. G. Bell

"Saudade" – A Word for the Third Culture Kid

I Remember... Living at Wera Falls

2012-04-29T09:31:00.000-04:00

... hiking down from the falls and slipping on some rocks and gashing my shin open from my knee to my ankle. Well, ok, so I vaguely remember the actually falling part (looking down and seeing my leg caught in a hole), and then I got a piggy-back ride down the rest of the trail, and we crossed up at the whirlpool dam instead of going down to the bridge.

... getting butterfly bandages instead of going into town for stitches. I'm not sure how often they were replaced, but I remember being told that it was the last time, and I could have one more batch of butterflies if I wanted... which I did. :)

... using a cloth diaper tied around my neck as a pretend sling for a broken arm -- one of the MKs had broken an arm and had it in a cast, and I thought it was so cool.

... watching my dad give some of the kids haircuts, there was one with red hair...

... watching basketball(?) games in the gym and thinking that because it was dark, it was soo late, hehe.

... eating a meal up at the dorm, and one of the kids telling me that Uncle Tim ate by putting his spoon in his mouth and then turning it around and taking it out upside-down. So I tried, and couldn't do it... :P

... going upstairs in the treehouse/fort up by the dorm. We (my sister and I) weren't allowed to go upstairs alone, so a couple of guys took us up. :) I thought it was so cool... :)

... swinging. :) I did that again just yesterday... same swings too. *wistful smile*

... splashing around in a little pond by the gym. The story is that my mom would put me in there to eat my watermelon. :P *chuckles*

... walking up the hill to my friend's house, all by myself... I ate a meal up there too, we had spaghetti. I think someone might have spilled some? (When does that not happen with foods that stain? :P )

... a snake in the house? Lizard? I think my mom screamed... hehe. (But this I'm not entirely sure if I remember for real, or from hearing the story.)

... climbing up on my bed for afternoon nap, looking out the window at the hilltop behind the house, and being convinced that there were big, scary bears living in the woods.

... taking a nap one afternoon, and getting my first wasp sting. It was the side of my left knee, and really hurt.

... after we moved up to Seeley's old house, we went back down to our old house for a meal, and someone blew up a big balloon, and then popped it. It made a really loud noise...

... going over to Aunt Dana's for a meal, and my dad saying that his plate was so clean, it could go back into the cupboard.

... eating little round (sour!) lemons straight off the tree.

... trying to use grass and make little woven baskets after seeing the ones that the pembantu made.

... going down to the gudang to call my dad for a meal, and seeing all the boats the kids were making for a race. They were in all sorts of shapes, and had different designs and colors. I got to make one of my own too, and I painted it blue.

... watching the boat race, them getting stuck on rocks, tipping over, going way off course and the kids chasing them...

... planting a mangga seed close to the house, watering it every day, and watching it grow up...

... being slightly smug that my mangga tree lived but Abigail's died because she put the water pitcher upside down over it in the middle of the day and left it. :P

... climbing the stone retaining wall behind our house. Abigail could make it to the top quicker than I could, hehe.

... listening to the sounds of the flooded and raging river...

... hearing about someone who drowned up at the falls, and my dad going up to help look for him... I was kinda scared of the water after that.

... being given a clipping of some spice plant by someone (Aunt Rhonda?), planting it along the outside wall of our house, and using some of the leaves in spaghetti sauce.

... helping my mom clean the middle guest rooms, and spraying thousands of black ants that were all over everything.

... having the chore (daily?) of washing the wooden stairs with a container of water and a sponge, being careful to get into all the cracks and corners. I was convinced that Abigail had it easy, 'cause she didn't have the same job.

... my dad painting with blue paint, and my sister grabbing the tarp and pulling the paint down on top of her... My mom had to wash her hair multiple times with kerosene and dish soap to get all the paint out. It reeked... :P

... being convinced that my dad's workers had the names of the twelve apostles.

... helping my mom make up the drinks and 'snacks' for the workers.

... my dad going out to turn off the generator whenever the water level rose too high.

... playing tag around the dorm, and one of the kids (no clue who) telling me that standing with my hands on my hips was unladylike. :P He was probably teasing, but I avoided doing it for years after... hehe.

... sitting in church and hearing our chicken cackle that she'd laid an egg. My mom would let me leave to take it in the house before the dog could get to it.

... some sort of large get-together that wasn't church, there were lots of people around, snacks, and I think Aunt Cecilia was there.

... graduation, and thinking the outfits were funny looking.

... an Easter sunrise service, everyone outside and sitting in a circle. I think that's the only sunrise service I've ever been to...

... being curious about what the middle of a rock looked like, so my dad and I broke one open with a hammer on the steps leading up to the house.

... taking a walk into the village with my dad.

... driving into town and back, and always being excited for the "new stretch of road". They'd had to redo a stretch, and it was all white and new looking, and had edges on it. :O

... a cat up at the dorm that liked to lick or bite people's ears.

... a kitten dying in the truck because she was hiding up underneath...

... the gudang being built by the gym. It seemed so complicated, hehe...

... learning to roller skate in the gym, and being careful to put my skates away in the gudang when I was done.

... my dad carrying me piggyback out to his garden on an island. I remember there was corn...

... either a birthday or Christmas, and being given a little playhouse made out of bamboo and rotan, and then playing house in it with our dolls and dishes.

... being given play dishes for my birthday? Abigail got some too (on her birthday?), and I was jealous 'cause I thought hers were nicer than mine...

... a little puppy that got sick and died. Her name was "Mindy", and Abigail later named a stuffed puppy after her...

... walking around the abandoned 'lower dorm', and thinking it was creepy all closed and empty... We were getting some sort of fruit from one of the trees?

... a dog that ate chicken eggs whenever it could find them. :P

... forgetting about filling the water container in the pantry, and it spilling all over the floor... I even had to clean it up. :P

... being so happy when I could touch the freezer door on our, uh, short little refrigerator. I tracked my height by how easily I could reach...

... feeding the cat, Calico. I think I was half-convinced that she was my cat, not my mom's.

... my then best friend, Danelle. Her family moved away not too long after we got there, we moved into their house. We've seen each other a few times since then, and used to faithfully write letters back and forth...

~ ~ Other Wera Falls Photos ~ ~

Then & Now

2012-04-07T13:04:00.000-04:00

Me and my (now) boyfriend over the years... And yes, we really did see each other as infrequently as the pictures indicate. :P

Wilson's Fourteen Points

2012-04-05T10:53:00.001-04:00

Towards the end of World War I, President Woodrow Wilson made a speech to Congress which contained what came to be known as the "Fourteen Points". I found the end sentence particularly chuckle inducing...

The Fourteen Points called for "Open covenants of peace, openly arrived at. . . .," in short, public rather than secret diplomacy, freedom of the seas, removal of trade barriers and equality of trade, the reduction or armaments, and an adjustment of colonial claims so as to take into consideration the aspirations of colonial peoples. These things were treated in the first five points and were presumably to govern the settlements at the end of the war. The other nine dealt with territorial adjustments to be made in the course of the peace settlements. Later, Wilson added further particulars, or generalizations, as the case might be. For example, he declared "that peoples and provinces are not to be bartered about from sovereignty to sovereignty as if they were pawns in a game. . . ." Instead, "every territorial settlement . . . must be made in the interest and for the benefit of the populations concerned, and not as a part of any adjustment or compromise of claims amongst rival states. . . ." He made it sound for all the world as if the gods were going to gather on Mount Olympus and bring justice and peace to the nations of the world. To top it off, Wilson included in his Armistice Day speech the announcement that "It will not be our fortunate duty to assist by example, by sober, friendly counsel, and by material aid in the establishment of a just democracy throughout the world." The Fourteen Points and elaborations were the relics of 19th century liberalism (freedom of the seas and trade) blended with utopian collectivism (association of nations) brought to boil with incantations to democracy.

-- Clarence Carson, Basic America History: The Growth of America, 1878-1928 (Chapter 8, World War I and the Disruption of Europe)