Crystal Clear

Good News!

2011-03-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

So… I actually wrote this yesterday but I'm having technical difficulties and couldn't post it, also the photos from the last surgery are coming, for some reason I can't upload them right now but I am comfortable sharing them now, so hopefully that will be the next post... there is one with the bandage still on and one of the incision almost healed. The photo with the shirt on and still bandaged was taken on February 16, 2011 - one day after surgery, the other picture was taken February 25, 2011 - ten days post surgery, the day I got the hemovac out and bandages off. This surgery was way WAY easier than the last, I knew what to expect so it wasn’t so scary, and I recovered much faster than I (or anyone else) expected.


February 16, 2011 - One day Post-Op


Ten days post-surgery: Bandages off, Hemovac out

I now have scars on both sides of my chest that are constant reminders of my mixed feelings:

On positive days I look at myself in the mirror and feel like I’ve shown myself how strong I can be when I need to be, like I’ve learned what’s important in life, and realize that my family and true friends have proven to me that they will always be here for me to help get through the things I can‘t get through alone. On the tougher days I wonder why this had to happen to me, why I’ll have to see the scars for the rest of my life, and feel self-conscious like I don’t want anyone to see these scars. I also get scared wondering how I will deal with it if this happens again, what if next time it is cancer? I wonder if I’ll find someone who will just accept me exactly how I am. I wish mammograms and screening and testing weren’t going to be a part of my reality so early in life, but that is reality and I’m trying to accept it.

The outlook that I most want to keep in mind is that I’m so lucky and I want others to realize how much they have just by being healthy. I hope other women take care of their bodies and aren’t scared to push forward when they know something just isn’t right. It probably would have been much easier mentally if I had ignored the problem rather than having spent the last nine months worrying, having tests, having surgery, worrying, getting results, having surgery, worrying and finally getting results. But wow, if I had just ignored the problem I know I’d be in horrible physical condition!

On that note I am happy to say that that the doctor’s office called today (now yesterday) and officially informed me that the pathology report has come back clean and that it appears the new little lump is not growing and is nothing to worry about right now. No more Lumpectomy’s for me!

On a different note - The dating front is starting to look up, I’ll share more if things continue going in the right direction!

Just Stay

2011-03-13T01:40:00.000-08:00

Looking in the mirror, tears falling down,

I don't remember when my grin became a frown.

I was once proud of eternal smiles, being care-free,

But that changed somehow and no one told me.

I'd do anything for anyone who means anything to me,

But slowly I'm opening my eyes and beginning to see.

Everything I'm willing to give, people will take,

But when I'm in need, suddenly there's a break.

I don't get why everything has to be on everyone else's terms,

For once I'd like to say how I feel, and get something in return.

I'm open and loving, accepting of all, yet somehow just continue to fall.

Put myself out there, for what? So I can fall to my knees? Beg and crawl?

Why do you want me when you want me, but not when I want you?

I want something real, in good and bad; able to say together we grew.

Please wipe my tear; I don't ask for much, but I want love, just be here.

Don't run when I say what I'm looking for, just stick by me, stay near.

I'm hurting, I can't find someone that will stay.

I look in the mirror, see scars inside and out, and pray.

I want someone to love my rights and my wrongs,

Who sees my flaws, but also hears the love songs.

Open your eyes and see all I'm willing to give, but don't steal it all away.

Just be with me, don't use me; hold me close, want me and don't stray.

Wipe away the tears once in a while, or just sit with me while I cry,

Let me be me, but let it be by your side.

You do nothing wrong, but also do nothing right,

When I need you, you've left me in the dark, alone and scared at night.

Please be here, don't go away.

Just Stay.

(Sometimes a girl needs to cry, it doesn't matter what anyone else says or does, I believe it's a release that is necessary in order to re-evaluate situations and to be able to see things clearly. I tell women everyday that they need to feel their feelings, take a deep breath and take them all in, yet I ignore my own. I used to think that no one was worth crying over, but I'm realizing that I was wrong. I have had a few beautiful, wonderful men in my life who I've always held out hope on and somehow they always seem to let me down, but strangely they haven't DONE anything, it's just one of those things, but it hurts. And so tonight I cry over them, and they are worth it, but I won't let that hurt who I know I am and I won't let that change that I will always hold out hope for those I really do care about, I will find someone worthy of all that I am willing to give.)

How Often do I Write?

2011-03-08T15:33:00.000-08:00

I was asked last week how often I write my blog and I said that I write whenever I feel like it. This wasn't exactly true though I suppose... I write when I am overwhelmed with some sort of emotion, whether that is fear, anxiety, frustration, inspiration; anytime I just can't keep it in anymore.

There is no new news on my health. I am still waiting for a pathology report that is expected to come back clean. I am still self-conscious about the new shape of my body and the scars. I am still trying to view these things as struggles that have made me stronger and wiser. It can be hard to see it this way though.

I am writing today because I have an overwhelming feeling that my life is just not meant to go my way. I don't understand why everything has to be something I need to struggle through. Now, enough with the self-pity, I work everyday with women who have overcome a lot more than I will ever have to, I really shouldn't complain, but my heart is having a hard time today.

The relationship front is getting me down. For a long time I have been optimistically hoping to find someone who I just like to be around and can have fun with and who will want me as much as I want them. I've dated plenty and come up empty handed. I've gone through phases of just wanting to be single, and I've gone through phases where I feel like my life will never be complete without someone to share it with. Now I am trying to be content with believing whatever will be, will be.

People say you don't know what you've got until it's gone. I don't think I've experienced that... when my relationships have ended I have been ready for them to end and haven't looked back. I never realized how much I really do miss the little things about being in a relationship because of just how DONE I've always been by the time things have ended.

In the last couple of weeks I experienced a short and sweet version of what I had been missing in the last year and a half. I haven't been swept off my feet with romance or persued to the extent where I know I am truly wanted or needed, these are things that I would have been hoping for before. Instead I found someone who I just genuinely enjoy being around. It's the little things that count: Being able to laugh with someone, casual glances, affection-even just a touch of my hair or brushing by my hand, it is all so incredibly comforting after not having that in so long. It's done already, but it was short and sweet and keeps me believing there's someone out there for me.

So anyway, I'm cautiously optimistic... let's end off with some little inspirations from some of my favorite songs... Wait wait wait, just looked through my music and all the songs I want to quote here are by the Trews for some reason.... must be in the mood for them. For now I'll make the recommendation that people check them out. Love them.

The Trews:

- Sing Your Heart Out

- The Love You Save

- Man of Two Minds

- End of the Line

Anyway, I'm going to just keep on keeping on... Ha ha ha.... Time for some food, a nap, a meeting, then a soccer game.

Surgery #2 is Done!

2011-02-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

So I had surgery last Tuesday and managed to get myself out of the hospital by lunch time. I woke up feeling coming fine and ready to move on out of there. Last time I felt pretty good after surgery, this time I felt even better. I tried this time to go into things calmly however of course the moment they wanted to do my IV I began tearing up and refusing it. I wound up receiving laughing gas in the operating room which calmed me enough to let them put my IV in. Once home I ate a full sub, snacked all day, had visitors, and overall felt great. The only pain I've had is where the hemovac tube goes into my body, other than that I don't even know where the incision was made, no pain there at all!

I've been fairly consistent with practicing Qigong and on Saturday spent 7 hours in a workshop for Qigong where the group circled me and offered a healing which I received well, just the feeling of having so many people wishing me well was a powerful moment. After my day of Qigong I had my nieces over for a sleepover, we went out for dinner, played games, went to watch my soccer game and stayed up late watching movies. It made me feel like life was normal for that 24 hour period.

All week I have been experiencing emotional highs and lows, being happy and full of laughter one moment and crying the next. I have treated some people wonderfully, others not so wonderfully. And strangely enough with all the love and support of my family, friends, soccer team, co-workers, I still somehow feel lonely, but I am trying to have faith that when I am ready things will fall into place on the relationship front.

I went to a social Sunday night and was brave - I wore a bra!! SO SO SO painful, but totally worth it to not have to display how awfully uneven my breasts now are. Again I will put up photo's once I am comfortable with this new shape myself. I looked in the mirror for the first time yesterday and was so sad to see what this has done to my figure. I know it shouldn't matter because I'm healthy and that is the main thing, but it really does matter a lot. It makes me want to cry when I see myself, but I will get over it, and I will be "fixed" physically eventually. For now I'll keep telling myself to love myself regardless of what I look like, my body isn't as important as my health.

Inspired by Another's Woman's Journey

2011-02-13T21:16:00.000-08:00

I have learned how to more fully appreciate life through my own health scare, but I saw it even more deeply this weekend during my own path to healing. At work about a month ago we had a man come in to tell us about Qigong, an ancient Chinese practice used for natural healing. He gave us a quick demonstration and talked about the benefits of practicing Qigong for both mental and physical well being. I decided to join several of my coworkers in taking the level one workshops. Strangely enough the workshops fall on the Saturday before my surgery and the Saturday after, worried about the timing of this I asked the man if he thought I would be able to take part in Day 2 of the workshop as it is only 5 days after my surgery, he told me that if anything it would be beneficial so I went ahead with it.

The first day of the Qigong workshop was this past Saturday. It was a strange mixture of people, all different ages, all different sizes, all with different stories, At the beginning of the day we all shared why we were in attendance, one woman's story really made it clear to me just how fortunate I am. She is a beautiful woman with very short gray hair, she looks like she is about the same age as my mom, she shared that she was attending to benefit her own physical and mental health. This was a pretty standard start for everyone else too, however she continued on to share that she has chronic cancer and is hoping for physical healing. Everyone in the room looked very solemn. She then add that she lost her own daughter to cancer about a year ago and so she is also looking for some way of dealing her grief and coping with her emotions. I looked at her and her eyes were glossy but she was smiling, it caught me off guard actually, I think it was hope trying to shine through all of the loss in her life.

Throughout the class we were all urged to have a clear mind, not letting our thoughts take over. At first I couldn't keep the thoughts out of head. I kept thinking 'oh my God, her daughter was probably my age'. I was trying to imagine what it must be like to be battling cancer alongside your daughter and watching your daughter lose the battle before you. So devastating. I kept trying to watch her throughout the series of mindful movements, she looked so graceful. I kept sneaking peaks for the first few hours of the day and she just totally radiates happiness. Through the afternoon I began just trying to quiet my mind and focus only on the movements we were asked to do. At the end of the day we did the Hexagram Dance and at the end the entire class recites a verse:

" My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

I am filled with peace and joy.

I am free of pain and illness.

I am blessed with good fortune."

What a beautiful note to end on. I looked at her as things came to a close and she looked so calm and peaceful. I want that kind of still, tranquil happiness someday. I have never seen such a powerful display of someone accepting the things they can not change. There are six levels of Qigong, each with beautiful names. The 6th and highest level of Qigong is titled "Seeking Nirvana" I think this woman must really be on level 6, she's there.

My surgery is in about 34 hours from now, I think this time around I will appreciate my mom more instead of being frustrating with her nervous chatting. I love her for everything she is and does, she is always there no matter what and I think this time I should sit back and take it all in, every minute with my mom.

I'm going in feeling positive, more calm and looking forward to this process getting closer to being over. I'm also going to experiment with Qigong, I know how I healed from my first surgery without Qigong, I am committing to doing 1-2 hours of Qigong everyday, and I am going to see how I feel this time around since it's the exact same surgery on the exact same body part, we'll see if Qigong really does heal. So I am about to do "the Hexagram dance", "the Grounding Qi", "Love my Body" and "Turning Qi". Then I am going to lay down and hopefully sleep better than I've slept in a long time.

" My blood and Qi are flowing smoothly.

I am filled with peace and joy.

I am free of pain and illness.

I am blessed with good fortune."

And here we go again...

2011-01-27T20:23:00.000-08:00

So since the last time I wrote things were really back and forth about whether or not I would be having more surgery... one appointment the specialist would say I need the other side done, then I didn't, and then finally I did need it - final answer. Frustrating to say the least!

Well a new development... I have super powers and re-grow lumps faster than they can take them out! In mid-December I had an appointment and found out that a new lump developed toward the bottom of the side they already did surgery on, the doctor tells me he no longer wants to do surgery because he'd like to wait and see what it does, which side to do, etc. Granted I'm not a doctor, but my first impulse was to think "see what it will do?! I think my body has already proved that I help tumors grow!" To make a long story short I had to go for a follow-up in mid-January where it was decided that the second side would be done and we will "keep an eye on" the new one. Last time I checked it was the doctors hands (not eyes) that figured out these suckers meant business... but fine, I'll go with it. So the doctor gives me a surgery date of March 8, 2011. I ask him "March 8th? Last time it was four weeks from the day it was decided surgery was needed." He says yes, that I'm young and healthy, etc, and it shouldn't be a problem to wait until March. Then I see a document sitting on his desk saying "Pathology Report" with my name on it. I ask my specialist what it is and he says my doctor should have gone over that with me at my last appointment, I replied he didn't. Then I look closer and see that my specialist has sent it to the wrong doctor, that's comforting! I tell my specialist it was sent to the wrong doctor, he looks at it and asks who my doctor is; I tell him and he says "ok" and re-addresses it without saying anything else. He wouldn't tell me what it said so I 'sneak a peak' and see it's the pathology report on the first tumor that was removed. I read it as quickly/casually as I can and see that there are still no indications of cancer. PHEW Crystal wins again!

The very next morning I get a call that the doctor has re-reviewed my file, specifically the ultrasound and mammogram and the surgery will now need to be February 15th (exactly 4 weeks later), hmmmm maybe I should become a doctor! Anyway, I'm looking forward to getting this done and still seeing this ultimately as a positive thing in my life. Throughout this my priorities have straightened out because I am a bit more inciteful. I know what I want in life, and I know who in my life matters the most.

Oh and for the record, I'm still holding out hope to fall in love and live a happy, healthy life with someone. This being said I've also realized that just because I am there right now, doesn't mean that the person I'm meant to be with is there yet. I think friendship can take on new significance when there is absolutely no pressure to change it, or to change the people in it, just knowing it is always being built upon, strengthening the relationship and making it more significant. Who knows what can happen... I guess I'm a closet romantic! Friendship is the most important thing in my life though; friendship with both family and non-family. I love me and my life, I loving being who I am and being accepted for who I am by those who know me the best. I look back ten years and don't recognize who I used to be because I don't think I ever really believed my family and friends when they told me I'd grow up and be who I am today. Keeping that in mind, I know I am able to wait patiently over the next ten years for more good things to come my way in life.

I used to write poetry often, but it's been a long time. I don't know how or why, but I pretty much stopped writing out my feelings other than a couple of poems here and there. Lately I've been more focused on the idea of writing a book, but I've also been thinking frequently about beginning to write through my emotions again... maybe it will stop me from SAYING everything and then feeling awkward lol! The last week was an especially tough one, both personally and professionally, and it has forced me to dig deep and remember what makes me - 'me'. This week has pushed me to fall back on my instincts rather than using my experience or education. I'm trying to come from the heart and it has crossed my mind to write everything out. So, I think in between the updates on my health and life I am going to share some of my other writing on this site. Hope you'll enjoy them!

Love?! Mr. Right?! Hmmm...

2010-11-25T13:40:00.000-08:00

As I'm getting closer to my next surgery I'm finding that I am wishing and hoping for love to miraculously jump into my life. Today is the first day that I've made a correlation between the two... I just thought I've been single for so long that I'm getting tired of it, now I don't think that's the case.

After my last surgery my friends and family were incredible but I spent so much time just laying by myself, I miss the feeling of someone's arms wrapped around me, someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me how cute I look all doped up and looking like I'm in pain. I have the most amazing parents and family, my sisters are always here for me, my friends I can call at anytime. What I miss is the feeling of someone looking at me as someone they actually want to be with. I'm learning that I'm more sensitive than I thought and that even though I've always thought my life was very well compartmentalized it's really not... every aspect of my life influences other aspects of my life until it becomes one very tangled up mess.

I love myself the way I am and I've decided to share today the photo of my gross looking scar, and then I will elaborate more...

I've always known in my head that it is so important to be happy with myself before I can be happy with anyone else. I actually thought I understood this quite well. Now that I have gone through I period of not loving my body so much I have come to a bit of clarity. I have always been happy with my physical appearance, confident in my body, comfortable in my own skin... that is until all of this surgery stuff came about. Then suddenly I was embarassed about my body shape and the scar that I have so far, also dreading the next scar and deformed shape I'll be. I've based my confidence on my body and been very cautious to let people see the real me.

I watch sad movies and I get a lump in my throat but I don't cry... that's me

If you piss me off I'll tell you off and probably not regret it after... that's me

I work hard, play harder, and I'm not a fake that acts like I'm perfect or innocent, I'm not... that's me

If you accuse me of something I didn't do I'll do it just to prove you right and to spite you... that's me

I have a soft spot for animals and humans alike, I'll do anything for anyone I really care for... that's me

If you hurt me I'll hurt you back, then tell you how much I love you and how sorry I am... that's me

I always say "LIKE IT OR LEAVE IT"

In Marilyn Monroe's words: "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

I plan to wait (im)patiently for "Mr. Right"...

BUT if "Mr. Right Now" wants to cuddle me when I'm feeling down or after I have the next surgery - I'm down! :-p LOL!

Fully Recovered and Ready for Surgery #2

2010-11-11T22:11:00.000-08:00

So here we are... November 11th and I haven't written in a VERY long time. Since the last blog I have physically healed completely and I am left with what I see as an awfully large scar plus a little one from the tube that looks like a perpetual pimple. I am trying to learn to love these signs of my health but it is very difficult to feel so incredibly damaged yet knowing it is for the sake of my health.

It still hurts where the scar is to wear a bra all day, and it's painful to look down and see a deflated breast where a youthful looking one used to be. On the other side that hasn't had surgery yet I feel physical pain throughout everyday and just want it fixed already. I want to be carefree and have this entire process done with now. Although differences among people are what makes each of us unique, they also make me self-conscious. I try to push that out of my head... we all have scars from things that have happened to us, whether that is physical or emotional, and we all have to deal with them in whatever why we are equipped to.

I miss not thinking about my next doctor's appointment or the next surgery, or what will happen after the surgeries. It's still overwhelming even though I know I should just be thankful I don't have cancer. I'm a bit mad at the world that I will have these scars for the rest of my life and when people see them I will have to explain. When I'm asked about it I speak openly because I think a lot can be said about openness and honesty and I think it tells you a lot about why people are the way they are. This being said the thought of having to explain my scars for the rest of my life is upsetting (to say the least).

I now find myself looking at people and wondering what they are hiding and what secrets they are keeping. I got the chance to catch up with a wonderful friend yesterday, we talked all evening, had a couple of beers, played video games and had a great time... From the outside looking in he's a picture perfect guy who speaks openly about pretty much everything and anything - I find him inspiring to be near and just wish I could get inside his head for a day, he has overcome so much and you would never know it to see him.

I also have a great girlfriend who I spend tons of time with, we laugh constantly and have great talks even though we are opposites in so many ways. She is a beautiful woman who covers her insecurities with her quick humor, and again from the outside looking in - picture perfect. This is how people deal with their scars. I love humanity for the way we all evolve as individuals and find our own paths to cope with life. I draw from what I see other people do with their issues and try to create a mish-mash of ways to deal with my own issues.

Once I feel a little more comfortable in my own (scarred) skin, I will post pictures of the scars that I've been left with so far, but first I need to learn to love them.

Photo's - Before and After

2010-09-01T09:20:00.000-07:00

Here are some photo's of the progress of the right breast...

July 22/10

This one is prior to surgery. It shows the size of the tumor, the skin is tightly stretched and pinkish do to the pressure of the tumor's growth. Unfortunately you can not see the blood clot it caused very clearly, however you can see how prominent the veins are as a result of the growth pushing on the outer tissue.

August 31/10 - Seven Oaks Hospital

This photo was taken about 30 minutes before going into the O.R. This is just after finding out I could be put under with gas rather than having to try to get an IV. They put the IV in after I fell asleep! (Apparently they normally only do this for children but my crying and freaking out and asking for sedation worked out!)

These photo's were taken September 1/10 when I woke up (this morning). I have a drainage tube called a Hemovac that sucks the excess blood out to prevent excessive swelling. I have to measure how much blood is coming out and track it on a form to give to my surgeon.

The pain isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I want to see how large the incision is but I'm not allowed to change the dressing until I see my surgeon again on Friday. I am also planning on asking him to book my next surgery as soon as possible to get this all over and done with so I can move on and get some "Porn Star" boobs (as my girlfriends say). For now I feel like a 26 year old with an 80 year old's breast on the right...

Can't wait to be able to fill in the sink-hole that was left behind!

That's all for now! Will post more photo's as I heal up and as the process continues!
Keep Reading!

Crystal
xoxo

Post-Surgery Thoughts

2010-08-31T23:32:00.001-07:00

I had surgery 12 hours ago and now I'm at home trying to figure out how I feel.

I came out of the anasthetic feeling pain and fear. Terrified to look down. I began asking the nurse sitting beside me questions and looking around the room. She was a total bitch! She tells me 'lay down and respect everyones privacy, they are trying to recover too' not even glancing up from her book. God forbid she slow the progress of her reading to do her job! I lifted my blanket to look down and see what I am working with now after surgery, she reaches with one hand and pulls my blanket back up to my chin. I ask where my mom is and she says 'You are in recovery'... Thats not what I asked, I want to say 'Really?! I thought I was in hell' instead I repeat myself asking where my mom is, then ask if she has been called. She says that if they called everyone patients wanted they'd be on the phone all day. I feel my face going red and I want to let her know that if she wants to be a nurse she should be nice to people and if she wants to be a whore we are only ten minutes from higgins and main. I hold back.

My oxygen levels were dropping to just under 80, I am frustrated and start crying. Head nurse bitch says to take a deep breath, I do and my oxygen goes up. She then takes the oxygen mask off, STILL NOT LOOKING UP FROM HER BOOK, and says to let her know when I am done crying so I don't dirty the mask. I get an uncontrollable urge to grab her by the hair and shove her face into my freshly sliced up breast so she realizes exactly what I am dealing with. Again I hold back.

Once my oxygen is staying up I get to go back to the area I started in and ask them to page my mom. They do, she comes. A few hours later I was heading for home!

My family and friends have been incredible! I returned home to find a package from a friend hanging on the front door. A friend spent the entire evening with my family and I. My family took care of my every need. My breast is gross, deflated with a drain hanging out - I focus on being healthy and strong...

Today is my First Surgery...

2010-08-31T07:15:00.001-07:00

So... Today is the day! My mom is driving me to the hospital as I am writing this. I have butterflies in my stomach, not nervous really for surgery, more excited to get this underway... Still nervous about waking up after with a chest I won't recognize.

I find it incredible how much can happen in just 24 hours. I have moved out of my own cute Wolseley apartment and back home with my parents, i did my last shift as a Coordinator at my old job, did a shift at my new job and will be changing my bra size on the right side in just a couple of hours.

As I sit beside my mom in this car she does her nervous chatter, speaking quickly and constantly about everything other than surgery... I want to mention how much I appreciate silence, instead I just keep quiet and nod and agree with everything. I know as we get closer to the hospital she will start asking the infamous 'how are you feeling?' It seems that everyone asks this question in a strange, almost secretive, tone. I want to say 'I feel fine! Nothing has happened to me yet... Come back for the truth around 2 this afternoon when I'm awake afterward!' However I don't think today is the day to start pissing people off so I just say 'fine.'

I have an urge to yell and scream and cry... To be mean to everyone for no good reason. I will hold back though because I am positive this is stemming from not being allowed to have coffee this morning.

I will keep my mouth closed, heart open, and try to just appreciate that the surgery will be starting in a couple of hours and my friends and family are the way they are because they care. I Love Them!

Signing off now... Wish me luck!

Inspiration

2010-08-26T23:08:00.001-07:00

It has been a while since my last blog... I started writing this wanting to be a positive example of how to cope with stress - I haven't written because I may put on a good show, but my positivity wavers.

I have had many MANY changes happening all at once. I have got a great new job, great but mentally exhausting trying to learn a whole new system. I have gone out with a great guy twice and am looking forward to our third get together. I also had an ultrasound done to determine the physical characteristics and depths of my tumors.

I am now just four days away from surgery. Sleeping on my stomach or side is difficult, it feels like i have a baseball and a few stray golf balls wedged in my bra, but still I try to keep telling myself I should be happy because it is not cancer and they will be removed.

While I can't wait to get these out I feel nervous... Not scared of surgery or the pain, but scared of what it might feel like to wake up literally missing a piece of me - tumor or not. I am going to be missing more than half of my right breast... how will I make it look normal? I am going to have scars. I am 26 and single. I will look down and see something totally different than what I have been used to seeing. Tears well up in my eyes thinking about waking up after surgery with a very different body.

i want to inspire people with my writing, but I don't feel all that inspirational. I am telling myself that the joy is not in the destination but in the journey; Struggle is just a part of success. I will keep telling myself this until I believe it. But until then I will trust in all of the wonderful people around me, who are encouraging me, and who will believe the journey is the part to remember and appreciate, the people who tell me I can worry about the destination when I get there. I love my family and friends.

Priorities

2010-08-08T22:18:00.001-07:00

i am testing out trying to send a blog through my email on my phone... Hopefully this works! please forgive any bad grammar, capitalizing on my phone is a pain! Here we go:

i had a pretty awesome weekend filled with lots of random experiences... Went on an impromptu 'date' which wasnt really a date but i am calling it that. I talked with an old friend a few weeks ago and we have been wanting to catch up but hadnt been able to work it out, friday night i texted him asking if he wanted to get together. He said yes (score lol). I went to his place, ate some pizza, had a few drinks and was invited to a fire at his neighbors house.

i am realizing now as i write that much of this story is going to need to be censored, thus not really being that interesting - long story short: a woman chased a cat around and fell asleep in the neighbors porch, fire went well into the morning, wasnt in a great neighborhood so i stayed at my friends house rather than walking home, got a kiss *blush*, in the morning went for breakfast, was detoured a bit by police tape due to a shooting, wandered through some of the crime scene getting to the restaurant, played connect 4 in the restaurant (winning every game), met a real life contortionist along with other interesting folks & wound up watching the contortionists film... Lot's of laughs-i am contemplating persuing a real date with this old friend of mine...

later that evening my sister & i decide last minute to camp out in libau for a girlfriend's birthday. We had a great time-beautiful birthday girl, awesome people, cute dogs, fireworks, a really cool party barn & the night ended with the sun coming up while we ate chips behind my sisters car...

the point of these stories is that life is what you make it & it is so important to just have fun regardless of the background stressors that will always exist. Through my health stuff people have been so supportive, yet spending time with friends & family is something i neglect at times. It makes no sense? I have decided to re-prioritize life...

So the Journey Continues!

2010-08-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

So I start my morning pretty much the same as always, sleep as late as possible and rush off to work making it there at 8:02... not bad. For those of you who don't know I am a manager of a residence for individuals with disabilities. I have always promised to be honest with the people I support about everything and I'm feeling guilty that I haven't yet given them an explanation for why I've been off work with so many appointments lately. I think in my head "How am I going to make this sound like a great thing without mentioning anything that will worry them."

I take a deep breath and head downstairs to talk with the lady who has been worrying the most. I ask her if we can talk for a minute, she says "I don't know, is it a good talk or a bad talk?" GREAT ANSWER!! haha.... I say good, I want to catch up, I missed her over the weekend etc etc. We catch up on small talk then I explain that after all these appointments the doctor says all I need is a couple surgeries and I'll be good to go. She says "then you won't be so tired and grumpy anymore?!" With an excited grin on her face... Gotta love honesty! I hadn't realized that I was tired and grumpy so I tell her that the being tired and grumpy will end immediately because of the great news I got... She's thrilled! I have similar conversations with the other two gentlemen who live in the house... phew, it went well!

My day goes on - work, visit my ex who is now taking care of my cats, go to soccer practice and return to work to do the sleepover. I bring my pre-op questionnaire with me with good intentions of filling it out. I sit and stare at it and decide to first do the math... My first surgery is August 31st, the package states clearly "RETURN TO THE PRE-OPERATIVE CLINIC A MINIMUM OF THREE WEEKS PRIOR TO SURGERY" That would give me until August 10th... why not procrastinate and live in denial for one more week? I put the package away and head downstairs to talk to the other overnight staff...

She and I catch up a little and begin joking about the positives of my whole situation:

1) GREAT medications post surgery that will allow me to say absurdly inappropriate comments without an ounce of regret until the meds wear off.

2) Free breast augmentation.

3) Possibly a free tummy tuck.

4) I may have found the cause of breast tumors, afterall they say cell phones cause brain cancer - this may be true for those who talk on it a lot, I tend to spend my time storing it in my bra... strange coincidence!

5) Nausea after surgery may help me lose more weight.

6) Four weeks off work after each surgery.

I'm positive this conversation was much more beneficial to me than filling out a questionnaire!

Overall: Good Day Today!

My Very First Blog & Why - CANCER-FREE!!

2010-08-02T23:09:00.000-07:00

So... where to start?! I am a healthy 26 year old woman... haven't given much thought to my health since it's never been in any sort of serious distress other than your average scraped knee, broken bone, hurting heart types of typical growing pains...

On July 12 around 4am I woke up with severe pain in my right breast and left underarm. I also had what looked like some type of blockage near the surface in a vein (or maybe artery??) of my right breast causing the veins to darken and protrude. I had had a large lump in the right breast for some time however had been told years earlier it was nothing to worry about and never really thought about it again. This particular morning it seemed to have literally grown overnight along with some new lumps on the left side near my underarm.

I did not want to scare anyone by making phone calls at that time of the morning so pulled my courage together and walked to the hospital. To make a long story short hospital staff sent me to another hospital where they simply advised me to see my family doctor ASAP. One small problem... I hadn't had a family doctor in years! That morning I called a clinic I have gone to periodically and asked to be seen by a physician and they agreed (begrudgingly) to make an appointment with me on July 14th. I informed my work and a couple of close friends about this but chose not to tell my family as I did not want to cause them any undue stress if this was nothing to worry about.

July 14th came and I went to the appointment first thing in the morning. The doctor did a breast exam and told me the lump in the right side presents as being approximately 10cm x 12cm, he continues on to say he has never seen a lump this large which has not been cancer. I am alone in the doctor's office with a brave face on. He continues feeling it and says "Wow this is large." I decide to add in some comic relief and tell him "You're not the first person to touch me there and say that!" He laughs; I'm strangely surprised. He says that he'd like to be my family physician even though he is not actually accepting patients however he finds my lumps "interesting" and would like to follow-up on them. "Interesting" - That's one word for them!

He fills out a diagram of breasts with x's marking affected areas and sends me to reception with it and tells me to tell them it is URGENT. I follow this direction, the receptionist stamps a huge, red URGENT stamp on the paper... then stamps it again... then one last time for good measure:

URGENT
URGENT
URGENT

I return to his office to set up a "meet and greet" so he can officially call me his patient, then leave to make a brave trek home. On the way home I call my work-cry, call a friend-bawl, call my mom-sob. I get home, sit with my cats, cats begin cuddling, I get more weepy and cry some more, then decide to sit on the step outside to wait for my mom and sister to rescue me, I just wanted to get out of my own skin. My mom wants to keep me busy... we drop my sister off to work, stop at a scrapbooking store, go visit my grandma in the nursing home, stop at a farmers market. I finally get to my parents house and begin researching... ironically I found a quote that says "If you trust Google more than your doctor it is time to get a new doctor." I don't believe this and continue googling looking for anyone who has ever written about have a lump that is 10cm x 12cm, but I find no one.

The next two weeks is filled with appointments - mammogram, specialist, biopsies, specialist, specialist... everything on an "URGENT" basis. Friends and family are constantly trying to reassure me but of course no amount of reassurance helps when no one knows for sure what is going on inside my body. YES - I understand I may be fine, NO - it doesn't make the wait easier. I receive the mammogram results - The lumps are solid (aka tumors), not fluid filled (aka cysts), 7cm in diameter. I'm given a specialist appointment in a couple of days. The doctor says "We don't know that it's cancer yet so don't go driving off a bridge" I inform the doctor the only thing that would make me drive off a bridge would be pregnancy - cancer you can get rid of. We all laugh - again, strange.

I tell a girlfriend of mine that if this is cancer I am starting a blog... people need to feel like someone out there has been through this and it's not the end of the world. I also let her know that I could act as a public awareness dummy - feel my left breast, several teeny barely there lumps; feel my right breast, if you don't take care of the teeny lumps it turns into one large disgusting mass making it impossible to fit into your bra. I also let her know she can let people know I'm okay with them asking to feel, it's something everyone seems to want to ask but no one (except her) has had the balls. Surprisingly many people took us up on this, not even in a creepy I want to feel boobies way, but in a "OMG I have never felt a lump, what's it like, what does it look like, does it hurt, how big is it," kind of way. I'm happy to make some good come out of this weird growth.

On July 30th I go in to see the specialist for the results of the biopsies that were performed. -No sign of cancerous cells!!! WOW! Biggest smile I've ever mustered up. I have never felt this much relief, I was so relieved I was actually nauseated and sick to my stomach, I text everyone I can think of and begin making plans for a celebration. I'm informed that I will need to have surgeries on each side followed by reconstructive augmentation. I ask how long I would need to be off work for each surgery and I'm told a minimum of 4 weeks after each surgery and a minimum of 3 surgeries. He then cracks a joke - "Do you have a boyfriend?" I say "No", he says "Well good, this will keep it that way!" Crude, but I like it - Hey doc, whatever you say, I'm Cancer-Free!!

So I spend August long celebrating with family and friends and get back to the real world Monday night. I begin thinking, why would I not start a blog just because it's not cancer? I'm sure there are plenty of women sick with worry over a lump that could very well be something a few surgeries can fix. Who says there can only be information on cancerous lumps anyway? I decide to write this to give some hope. I want to track my day to day life for people who may be in this position. I'm scared of losing my breasts, I'm scared of the pain surgery will bring, but still can't get rid of the smile that says "cancer-free!"

So please, keep coming back, I'll keep writing my highs and lows.... I may even add in some juicy stories of hot dates, arguments with friends, or anything else that may be of interest... For now, this is my start and the reason for it.