What's Wrong With Mommy?

Pure Magic

2012-01-28T08:50:00.000-05:00

My kids really do make everything better. :) I have been so depressed since everything happened, but my children really keep me from drowning. They drive me crazy, but they also make me laugh so much. The things they say, do, and their gorgeous faces amaze and surprise me everyday. When I feel low, they know it and go out of their way to make me laugh. It should be the other way around, and it is, but I love that they care enough to try and make me feel better. I usually am really good at faking it when I feel down, but sometimes they see through it. But lately, it doesn't feel like I'm faking it as much. So even though I'm their mom and take care of them, my babies really do take care of me too. I'm so grateful and I love them so much. As parents, we don't always realize how much are children help us just by loving us. Take a minute and really think about a bad day you've had, and then think about your interactions with your kids. If you think about it, you'll realize they even the smallest thing they did probably made you feel at least a little better. I'll tell you what, kids really are magic. ♥

A New Year, A New Life

2012-01-04T17:15:00.001-05:00

So it's no secret that 2011 was a pretty sucky year for me. I mean, I didn't know it until October, but then boy did it knock me in the head. I had actually thought it was the best year of my life, and that I was happier than I had ever been. Then I found out it was all a lie, and that really, my family was being poisoned and destroyed from the inside out by the person I loved and trusted above everything (except our children, of course). But I quickly removed the poisonous viper from our nest, so to speak, and things are slowly healing. The holidays were actually pretty amazing, and we were so unbelievably blessed. I am so grateful for my family and friends, and even strangers who reached out to help me and my children through a very difficult time in our lives. Because of them, we were given a Christmas miracle, and were happy and safe. Things are finally getting better, and each day is better than the last. Now I am doing my best to approach 2012 with a positive outlook. I will still have my sad/mad days, my heart is still broken, but my will is not. I will bounce back, my heart will heal, and my children will have an amazing life, even if I have to do it all alone. It's scary and lonely, but it's also incredibly exhilarating to know that my kids are great, and it's all because of me. :D
2012 is our year, and nothing is gonna stop us from being happy, healthy, and blessed.
Happy New Year everyone!

One Step Closer

2011-12-13T09:24:00.003-05:00

Things seem like they are finally getting better. I'm sleeping again, so that's good. I'm also taking a whole slew of medications my therapist prescribed, so that may have something to do with it...but maybe not. I was just having such a hard time dealing with what happened. I don't know if it was the shock or horror of it all, but I was/am so traumatized by it, that for the first month and a half after "the incident" I just couldn't deal with it. Couldn't sleep, wasn't eating, cried ALL the time, and every little thing was a reminder of him. Now, it feels like things are getting better, but I still have my moments. The slightest thing will set off a crying jag, I look at my kids and waves of guilt and self-loathing, and just this piercing sadness hits me. I feel like the last 12 years of my life was all a lie. He literally took 12 years of love and memories and just ripped them away from me. I can never get them back, I can never look back and say I remember when we were happy, because it was never real. Not for him. It was all a lie. And now those memories are just tainted. Every time I remember him wrestling with our boys, hugging our daughter, I feel sick. Literally sick to my stomach. But he's gone now. And I pray to God, the police find him, and he is sent to jail for the rest of his miserable life. Until then, I am left to pick up the pieces of our family, and I think I'm doing a damn good job. I am lucky enough to work at a great company that gave me plenty of time off to deal with all of this. Not great enough to keep paying me, but at least I know I have a job when I go back. Money is tight, practically nonexistent, but I am figuring that out too. My kids seem really happy, more carefree, more playful, just more. And when they are around, I don't have to pretend to be happy, I just am. Even when I'm sad, even when my heart feels broken, my love for them makes me happy. So as far as I'm concerned, things are getting better. It's not perfect, it's barely good, but it's one step closer to healed, so I'll take it. :)

Is Snarkiness Hereditary?

2011-12-04T14:19:00.001-05:00

This has been such a busy week, and my kids have made it a hilarious one. They have been demonstrating such snarkiness lately that is hilarious and also a bit disturbing. Hilarious, because I myself am known for my snark (in a loving way...sometimes...with family and friends...sometimes). Disturbing because they are so young, and it can veer from funny to rude. Not so good. Well, I'll deal with it as it happens. Here's some stories.

Snark Week- Episode 1-

Bought the kids ice cream cones the other day, and my youngest son told me he was full. He asked me what he should do with it, and my oldest goes, "Just wait til you get home then put it in the fridge. Wait, not the fridge, the freezer. Don't put it in the freezer!" My youngest rolls his eyes and says in his most superior tone, "Duh! You don't have to tell me that. Who would be stupid enough to put ice cream in the 'fridgerator'."

I burst out laughing, which probably wasn't the best reaction because when I pulled myself together enough to tell him we don't use the word stupid, he just shrugged...hmm.

Snark Week-Episode 2-

Enjoying yet another Power Ranger marathon with the kids. I left the room to get a drink, and could hear the kids whispering (they really suck at whispering. Their whispers are like my normal talk, plus hissing. It's kinda sad, actually.)

Youngest: Man, I'm tired of this Power Rangers.

Daughter: So tell Mommy you want to watch a different season.

Oldest: Yeah right, like Mommy will let us. I think she likes this more than we do.

Youngest: No way! I love Power Rangers.

Daughter: Plus Mommy is a grown up. Old people don't like Power Rangers a lot.

Oldest: I don't know. Mommy REALLY likes Tommy. So I think we're stuck with Mighty Morphin for now.

Umm...whatever. I don't like Power Rangers more than they do. I just prefer that season to the others...and Tommy is totally cute. And I'm not old. And wow. My kids suck.

Snark Week- Episode 3-

We're going to Walmart, and I send the kids to get dressed. I throw on some sweats and a big t-shirt, and pull my hair up in a messy bun on top of my head. I mean, I'd slept like 2 hrs the night before and couldn't drum up the give a damn to fix myself up. I did put on some lipstick, but that's it. They kids come out, and all look like homeless people. Their clothes are dirty and ill-fitting, and they still have bedhead. It's like they dug in the bottom of the hamper for the grossest things they could put on. Which is in fact what they did. I found the pile of clothes on the floor next to the hamper. I sent them back to change into clean, cute clothes.

They come back out a few minutes later, a little disgruntled. My daughter keeps staring at me, and finally, feeling defensive,
Me: What?

Daughter: Are you going to get dressed?

Me: I am dressed.

D: But you're wearing that.

Oldest: And you didn't brush your hair.

Youngest: How come you can go out in your PJs but we can't?

Me: I'm not in my PJs, and I did brush my hair.

D: Did you finish?

Me: Yes, I finished!

D: Oh.

O: I guess you're ready then.

Me: (stomp out of room)

I was a bit offended and disgruntled myself after this interaction. But then I realized that's how they must have felt when I made them change and told them they looked like homeless people...kinda rude, I know. And now it's just freaking hilarious.

They Can't Take Santa

2011-12-01T02:26:00.001-05:00

I love my children. They are absolutely unbreakable and strong in spirit and it is SO inspiring. Today my 8 and 9 yr old found out from the other kids in school (and a teacher!) that Santa Claus isn't real. Totally heartbreaking, because I was determined to let them ride that train for a very long time. But with confirmation from a teacher, they weren't buying anything I was trying to sell them. My youngest had fallen asleep already, so luckily his dreams were still intact. So finally, we had the talk. After they were kind of quiet, and quite frankly, looked a bit downtrodden. And I couldn't blame them. I was so mad for them, and so heartbroken for them. And boy did I want to bitch slap some of their classmates. I settled for calling them all manner of vile, totally inappropriate names in my head...and on the phone to my sister...and on my Facebook...but anyways! So, I'm looking at these little defeated faces, my mind racing to come up with something to tell them that will make them feel better. And then, my son looks up at me, determination all over his face, and says "I'll always believe in Santa Claus in my heart. It doesn't matter what they say, because they don't have the spirit of Christmas in their hearts like we do." My daughter pipes in "Yeah. Santa is the spirit of Christmas, and if we lose him, Christmas won't be the same. So I still believe in Santa." "Yeah. They can't take Santa away from us...but you can still buy us presents if you want, Mommy." My son grinned, and looked at his sister, the joy of renewed faith shining out of both of them. I looked at them, never more proud in my life, and said , "Hell yeah." Not the most eloquent or appropriate, but damned if I wasn't speechless. Again, can I just say, my kids are great. ♥

Rinse and Repeat

2011-11-29T03:26:00.001-05:00

Last night around 1am my daughter comes crawling into bed with me in tears, because her head hurt. I checked, and sure enough she has a high fever. While I get up to get some fever reducer and a cold cloth, she hightails it to the bathroom, where she proceeds to throw up. Everywhere. Everywhere, that is, except the toilet. Awesome! Then she lays down on the floor, crying, right beside her vomit. More awesome! I come into the bathroom to find that hot mess, and also the vomit everywhere(haha). I pick her up, wash her face, help her brush her teeth, change her clothes, and put her to bed, in my bed. Then I go clean up all the fun stuff she left for me in the bathroom. So since my body has decided sleep is no fun in the last month or so, I was already wide awake, but now I am wide awake and worried about my daughter. So I decide to become productive. I go into the playroom and attack it. I gather everything I could find that belonged to my ex and put it in garbage bags. I moved a ton of stuff around, and next thing I know, I'm stuck. I did something to my back, and I'm freaking stuck, hanging over an open bag full of reminders of He Who Shall Not Be Named. I shuffle, bent over, to the bathroom, grab some Motrin, and fall into bed. What the hell, dude? Really? Not only is my daughter sick, but I hurt my back? Because I don't have enough to deal with? I had like 30 things scheduled to be taken care of, now all canceled. In their place, sleep. I slept all damn day, with my daughter curled up beside me. I got up to make her soup at some point, which she promptly threw up (made it to the bucket by the bed. Score!). Back to sleep. Got up to pick boys up from school, helped with homework, made dinner, ate none of it, and took care of bath time and bedtime. Aaaand my daughter still in my bed, still achy, still unable to eat a thing. Looks like tonight and tomorrow will be a repeat. Fun times. :p

After Thanksgiving Sale

2011-11-26T02:41:00.001-05:00

I am totally hyped to say that my Thanksgiving was awesome. I spent it with the people I love, it was quiet and peaceful, and the food was amazing. Way to go, Mom, by the way! I skipped Black Friday because besides being broke beyond belief, I wanted to just lay around with my babies. And that is exactly what we did. My children enjoyed a 5 hour Power Rangers marathon, again, which I ain't gonna lie, I did too. We played board games, ate Thanksgiving leftovers, and spent the whole day laughing and hanging out. It was amazing. Ever since the ex became the ex, my relationship with my kids has changed. It makes me sad, but my kids have really blossomed with him gone. They laugh more, they are more silly and carefree, and just generally happier. It makes me sad because I couldn't see they were stifling themselves to adjust to their father's strict, frightening behavior. But it makes me happy because it's over now, and they obviously feel safe with me. I might not have gotten in on the sales at the stores, but I realized I got a great deal at home anyway. With "He Who Shall Not Be Named" gone, we have 80% less drama, 100% less fear, and 200% more happiness, and that's a deal I can live with. ;)

Thankful

2011-11-22T12:43:00.001-05:00

Thanksgiving is coming up, and there has never been a year when I was as thankful as I am now. A lot of terrible things have happened recently, and so you would think that I would not be at all grateful this year, but I am. I am grateful that I found out what a monster my ex was. I am grateful that he is out of my life. I am grateful that he will never hurt me or our children again. I am grateful he will never be a part of our lives. I am grateful that I made him leave before he damaged us more than he already did. I am grateful that I found the strength to take action. I am grateful for the love and support my friends and family have shown me and my children during the worst time of our lives. I am grateful that my children seem so much happier now that he's gone. I am grateful that they don't seem to blame me for not protecting them better. I am grateful we are safe. Most of all, I am grateful for my children. They are happy, wonderful, intelligent children, and they love the hell out of me, and I love them right back. Have a wonderful holiday, and be grateful for what you have.
XOXO Jen

Power Ranger Overload

2011-11-20T16:32:00.001-05:00

So I went ahead and signed up for Netflix, thinking my kids would love the chance to watch any of the shows they love at any time. And I was so right. But I did not think that I would go crazy in the process. But I forgot that their TV is messed up and can't connect to the XBox 360,so they can only watch Netflix in my room. And for the past 48 hours, it has been a nonstop Power Ranger marathon. And not just one of them, but like each and every incarnation of them. Like Might Morphin Power Rangers, Jungle Fury, Dino Thunder, and all the other ones. If I have to here "Dino Thunder! Power Up!" one more time, I may go bat shit. Seriously, enough. This show is terrible, and it has been around since I was a kid. I don't know how they suck these children in, but my youngest especially has been obsessed since the first time he saw it. Meanwhile, I hate them. So much. Especially since half the time I end up watching it with the kids and getting into it. It makes me so mad. Bad enough I love iCarly and Victorious and dvr it mostly for myself, but not I am jumping on the Power Rangers bandwagon? Oh hell no. This is not going to happen, I will not al- OMG! I'll write later! I think Tommy and Kimberly are going to kiss!

I Run With Vampires

2011-11-19T03:46:00.001-05:00

So a week or so before my world kind of crumbled around me, I bought my tickets for the midnight showing of Breaking Dawn. I had completely forgotten with everything going on until my girls started texting me in excitement. This has been a tradition of ours to go to the midnight showing since the first Twilight movie and so I didn't want to break it. Plus this was something I was actually excited about.And boy did it live up to my expectations and then some. I absolutely loved it, it made me laugh and cry and pissed me off, all signs of a great movie lol. The romance surprisingly didn't make me bitter or angry, it made me hopeful. Hopeful that there are happy endings, and there is true love, and maybe one day I will find a man who will love me and more importantly, love my kids. So not only did I get my hot guy fix, but I realized this situation did not make me stop believing in love, which I had been scared of. So yay Team Edward!!!

Mommy, My Eyes Hurt!

2011-11-17T01:26:00.001-05:00

So last night, the kids really just didn't want to go to sleep. They did everything they could think of to postpone bedtime. I sent them to bed at 8pm, at 8:15 they were really, really, really thirsty. I let them have a small drink of water, and sent them on their way. I sat down on the couch with my Nook, where I have a perfect view of the hallway leading from their room to the bathroom, because I know exactly how this night is about to go down. At 8:45, my oldest had to go to the bathroom, where I assume he fell into the toilet, down the drain, and into a magical land where he lost track of time because of all the tomfoolery to be had.
At 9:26pm my daughter hollers, "Gosh, other people have to pee too, you know!" Exactly 30 seconds later my son is strolling out, clothes in hand (because like every other normal person in America, he gets COMPLETELY naked to use the bathroom) and then pulled a U-turn when he saw my face and washed his hands. He goes into the room, my daughter flies past and slams and locks the door. And so commences karaoke hour. Not just any ole karaoke hour, but "make up your own lyrics". Some of today's Top 40 songs come through the bathroom wall, but are completely unrecognizable because she has kept maybe 4% of the actual song lyrics, the rest are her own, some of them not even real words. 9:45 she comes out, and refuses to make eye contact with me and scurries into her room.
Maybe 2 minutes pass, and then my youngest comes out, doing his best Dracula impression "The light...my eyes..." is the litany he repeats as he staggers, face crunched up, one hand blocking the light, the other hand suspiciously bunched by the side facing the wall, into the bathroom. I immediately hear the sounds of his Power Rangers handheld game come on. I wait a few minutes, and say loudly, "What's that noise?". The sound is abruptly cut off. Toilet flushes, sink comes on...no one comes out. And there are the sounds again. I wait a moment, get up and make lots of noise as I approach the bathroom, and the noise stops, and my little boy flies past me with a suspicious bulge in the front of his shorts. By this time, it is now 10:11. And they are now whispering and chattering. Sigh. The responsible, motherly thing to do would be to go in there, have a stern talk with them, and make sure they go to sleep. But honestly, so little amuses me lately, that I didn't want to end the fun. So they finally fall asleep at around 11:20, and I know they are not going to want to get up tomorrow.
Meanwhile, I have yet another sleepless night, and at 5:15 I wake the kids up to get ready for school. And that's when I finally fall asleep. And sure enough, at 6:00 the youngest crawls into bed with me, crying. "Mommy, my eyes hurt. They hurt real bad whenever I open them. But they don't hurt when I keep them closed, Mommy. But when they're open they really hurt. I can't go to school with my eyes closed, Mommy." What the hell. "No, baby, you're right. Just close your eyes and go back to sleep." "Ok Mommy!!!" I fall back asleep, and next thing I know, my oldest is leaning over me, crying hard. "What's the matter baby?" "I'm so tired! It's making me really mad, and my sister is so grumpy. I don't wanna go to school!" This was said in one big weepy whine. "Sure why not? Both of you just go back to sleep." Instead they also crawled into my king-size bed and went right back to sleep. Hey, one day of missed school isn't going to hurt. After all, they are all three on the Principal's Honor Roll, top of their class...at least that's the excuse I told myself as I fell back asleep, my three little brats...I mean angels, curled up around me.

One Day at a Time

2011-11-14T23:06:00.001-05:00

Lately, I have two types of days. A good day, and a miserable day. Today was a good day. I took a leave of absence from work to deal with what's going on in my life. Good for me and my kids, terrible for my wallet. But my routine became to wake up, take kids to school, come back home, crawl into bed and just lay there. Sometimes I would sleep away the day, escaping the misery I was feeling, other days I would just lay there crying. Nothing would get done, and I wouldn't move, wouldn't eat, wouldn't do anything, until it was time to get my kids from school. Then I was a completely different person. I was motivated, I made dinner, helped with homework, played with them, handled bath time, and then read a book to the kids before they went to bed. But then it's just me again, alone with too many horrible thoughts, memories, and pictures in my head. And so another sleepless night would begin. I'd get about 1 to 2 hours of sleep, and the cycle would start again. Rinse and repeat. I gotta admit, I had a hell of a lot more bad days than good. But today, today was a good day. I got up, took my kids to school, and actually stayed up. I made important phone calls, paid bills, ran errands, cleaned the house. I'm a little exhausted to tell you the truth, but in a completely amazing, Thank God for this day, kind of way. So yeah, today was a good day. I don't wanna come off greedy or anything, but another good day would be awesome. I mean a good week would be amazing but shit, I'll take what I can get.

How Did This Happen?

2011-11-14T00:35:00.003-05:00

Well, almost two years ago, I decided to take a break from blogging to focus on my family. The father of my children and I had reunited, and things were looking amazing. And they were. At least, that's what I thought. October 29,2011 was the worst night of my life. I found out something earth-shattering, something heart-breakingly devastating. I had let a monster back into my life, and even worse, into my children's lives. Now, they have memories they should never have had, and experiences I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. And all I can think is, it's my fault. How could I not know what was going on under my own roof? How could I expose my children to this sick, evil man? For God's sake, how could I not even know he was sick and evil? Was I really that desperate for a happy ending? Well, the jokes on me, because I definitely did not get my happy ever after. I think that when someone you loved and trusted hurts you, it leaves your heart bruised. But when that someone hurts your children, it leaves a scar on your heart and soul that will never heal. When they do both, it’s emotionally and mentally crippling. How do you recover from something like that? You do what you can for your children, put on a happy face. Whatever you have to do to make their world a happy, safe place again, you do. Even if you’re dying inside, even if it feels as if someone ripped your heart from your chest, and all you have left is a gaping hole. Every laugh feels forced, every fleeting moment of happiness leaves a bitter taste in your mouth, and leaves you choking on guilt and misery. Sometimes, it’s all you can do to breathe, to swallow the lump in your throat, to hide the pain and fear from your babies, because they need their mommy more than ever. And though I feel like a shell of who I was 2 short weeks ago, I can never let them see that. I have to be who I was before my world crumbled around me, and more. I was dealt a near fatal wound, the kind that is so unexpected and devastating that you don’t think you’ll survive. But I will, because I’m a mother, and that’s what mothers do. I’m a single mother now, but that’s ok. I’d rather be alone and my kids be safe, than be in love, and my kids in danger. It’s not a sacrifice; it’s not even a choice. My kids are the air I breathe, necessary for me to live, their safety is my sustenance, and it gives me the strength to carry on. Now when my kids wonder, "What's wrong with Mommy?" I'm gonna make damn sure they never know.

A Lil' Break Time For Mommy

2010-02-21T22:31:00.002-05:00

Oh how I've missed my blog! Sadly, I will be taking a break from blogging for a little while. Obviously I haven't been blogging in the last month or so as much as I have in the past. With the new move it's been kind of crazy. I also found that being a SAHM made my schedule A LOT more hectic than being a working mom, which is crazy LOL. Now I am starting a new job AND going back to school for my bachelor's in Human Services. So it truly hurts my heart to say this, but I need to focus on those things for right now. But I will be back. Until then, take care and I'll miss you guys!

Life is Good, Traffic is BAD

2010-02-10T16:39:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted. I think all the craziness from moving has had me, well, crazy. But it was definitely the right choice. So far, life is sweet. I am definitely loving having my own place and doing the whole "family thing" again. It's so nice to have someone there to help with the kids, who doesn't just put up with them, but loves them the way I do. The kids are definitely loving it. They make a point to say how they are going to the "MY ROOM" whenever they can.
Me: Cindy, where's your brother?
C: In MY ROOM.

Me: Jon, what are you guys up to?
J: Just playing in MY ROOM.

Me: Jordan, where on earth are your shoes?
J: Somewhere in MY ROOM.

Me: Are you guys hungry?
ALL: Nooooo, we're in MY ROOM.

It's awesome. I will tell you what is NOT awesome. Traffic. The traffic by my place is fricking ridiculous. Like, it seriously takes 45m to take the kids to school, and their school is only 10-12 min away, TOPS. I didn't want to switch schools in the middle of a school year, but damn it, it's driving me crazy. Even the kids get it.

Jordan: Are we EBER gonna get to schooo-waaaalll?
Jon: I'm TIRED of this traffic. I want to destroy all these cars (might need to keep an eye on this one...)
Cindy: GO AWAY CARS!! WE GOTTA GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME!!!

Road rage and they can't even drive? I'm in trouble...or at least the future drivers who will be on the road with them are, God bless 'em.

Hmm...What's Happening Here?

2010-02-02T16:37:00.000-05:00

I did it. Since the last time I wrote, we found a place and moved into it. It's a fixer-upper, but it's ours and I love it. I'm very happy right now, and my kids are beside themselves. "He" and I are doing great. We're getting along well, and we're enjoying living together.
"He's" very different from who he was when we were together, and I find myself asking, "Has he changed? Will things be better now?" Just a week ago, I would have said you were crazy if you told me that I would be thinking this way. But a lot can happen in a week. I mean, I was practically abandoned by my family because I moved (partly because my mother, who makes thrice as much as I do annually, asked for the majority of my tax return to clean, repair, and replace things she deemed my children had ruined. I couldn't do it immediately, because otherwise, we wouldn't have been able to move out, and my assurances to help her or pay her back as soon as I could were not enough.) with lots of explosive arguments culminating in my father sending me a text message that says and I quote "F*ck you, f*cking b*tch, f*cking die!"
So I mean, not exactly what you would call a warm, supporting kind of family. With all that drama, I am more aware of exactly how distant myself and my kids are from everyone. And "he" has been nothing but kind and sweet and supportive. So why am I hesitating? My kids are happy, I'm happy. Why not make it official?
Am I still worried what my family will think? I mean, they don't seem like they care what happens to me, but they always have something to say about it. It sucks that I am so happy, but have all these unanswered questions circling in my head, trying to ruin it.
Maybe I should just say whatever, and let what happens happen. Have any of you ever had similar experiences or doubts?

Good Things Are Coming

2010-01-26T13:09:00.000-05:00

You know when things have just been really sucky for a long time, so long, that when things start to look up you don't trust it? Like you expect everything to fall apart? That's where I am right now. I have so been hating my life (with the exception of my amazing kids), that now that things might be improving, I am so scared that nothing will go according to plan.
My ex finally has a stable job where he is making decent money, and is ready to move into a new place. He asked me if I would be willing to be his roommate, because he wants to spend more time with his kids.
My immediate reaction? "Hell no!"
I mean, talk about uncomfortable. There's so much history there, and it has been really hard to rebuild our friendship since our split. And I don't want to confuse the kids, because I really have no plans to revisit that part of our relationship. I don't think Mommy and Daddy will ever be "Mommy and Daddy" again. But the temptation and desperation to get out of my mother's house is huge. I mean, overwhelmingly huge. And I can't do it alone. So I agreed. We're busy looking, and it's going well. We have a couple of options, but now that it is becoming more real, I am becoming more nervous.
I mean, am I doing the right thing?
My kids are so excited for this, but am I giving them false hope? Will I be sucked back into the drama and passion that was my relationship with "Him"?
There are so many questions, and very few answers. It's a leap of faith, but I just don't know if I have it in me to put my faith in him again.

A Questionable Source

2010-01-18T22:53:00.000-05:00

Ugh. So first off let me start off by saying that I am sick as hell. Like, "Idonwannadonuffin" sick. Of course, this would happen on a day my kids have no school. Awesome. And when I say awesome, I of course mean, WHY ME?!
I mean, MLK Jr. was obviously an amazing human being. But why did his birthday have to be celebrated when I'm sick? Talk about inconsiderate. ;)
So anyway, last night as we got ready for bed, my son realized what today is. Jon is in 2nd grade, so I am sure they reviewed this shortly before the holiday, so he was all bursting with fresh knowledge.
Jon: OH! I know what tomorrow is! It's Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday tomorrow!
Me: That's right, baby.
Cindy: What? Is he in your class or something?
Jon (all offended by her lack of knowledge): NO! He's not in my class. He's DEAD!
Cindy's brow wrinkle in confusion.
I sigh, because I suck at remembering things, and I do not want to give my daughter a history lesson that is all wrong.
Me: No, mama, Martin Luther King Jr. was a very important person that passed away a long time ago. Tomorrow is his birthday, so we celebrate it by making that day all about him.
Cindy: Do I have a special day?
Me: Well, your birthday is special to me and our family, but you don't have a day that the whole country celebrates.
Cindy, frowning: Why not?
Jon: Because you aren't black.
Me, sputtering through shocked laughter: No. That's not why. It's because Marting Luther King Jr. was a very important man who did a lot for our country. He was black, but that's not why we celebrate.
Cindy: So why?
Jon: Because white people didn't like black people and didn't treat them the same as everyone else. They were really mean to black people. And they got in trouble because a black lady wouldn't let the white people sit in the front of the bus.
Me: Very good, baby. It was Rosa Parks, and it wasn't that she wouldn't let white people sit, it's that she wouldn't move to the back of the bus. Black people were not allowed to sit in the front.
Cindy: That's mean.
Me: Yes, it was. And Martin Luther King Jr. did a lot to try and make sure that everybody was treated the same way.
Jon: And a white man shot him with a telescope gun!
Cindy, the surprise of a sudden revelation evident on her face: Rock Obama is black! Is he dead too?
Me: Barack Obama isn't dead baby. He's our President.
Cindy: What's that?
Crap. I have no clue how to explain this. Cold medicine already making me feel foggy.
Me: Umm. Well, the President is kind of the leader of the United States, and he makes all the rules with help from other leaders.
Cindy: Like no running?
Me: Huh?
Cindy: What would Rock Obama do if he saw someone running?
Jon: Shoot him!
Me: No! He wouldn't shoot him. He doesn't do that. And Cindy, why would someone be in trouble for running?
Cindy: You're not allowed to run or you could get hurt.
Me: Ooooh. No baby, not those kind of rules. He makes the really important ones.
Cindy: I'm gonna tell my teacher you said no running isn't important.
Me: No, no, no! It IS important, but for little kids. When you're older, the rules become a little different.
Cindy: Oh...I don't get it. Where can I find a book about Rock Obama? Because I don't think you know what he does.
Me, offended: Excuse me?
Cindy: You're really beautiful Mommy. It's ok. I'll ask my teacher tomorrow. Goodnight!

Am I just paranoid, or did my 6 yr old just imply that while I'm pretty, I'm not too bright?
Wow. Just...wow.

A Good Day, Part Deux

2010-01-14T04:04:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I posted about my awesome day with the kids, beginning with my youngest child. Well the day continued to be awesome when my older two came home as well.
I was messing around with the camera on my phone, and since Jordan was the only one in the room with me, I told him to pose. He started doing his usual Power Ranger's fight stance (SIGH), but then suddenly changed it up and made a hilarious face. Like, a wow that's so ugly it's funny kinda face. I didn't think it was possible for me to think my kid could ever look less than adorable, but boy...he sure did.
Cindy came in while we were messing around, and of course, being fully aware of how gorgeous she is, she wanted center attention.
Now there's something you need to understand about my daughter. She's adorable and uber cute. Too cute. And too aware of it. This little girl is in front of the mirror like, 40% of the day. It's like she can't not look. She'll be talking to me and catch a glimpse of herself in the mirror, and forget it. Conversation with me over, and continuing what has been a lifelong obsession with herself begins. Plays with her hair, smiles, tilts her head coquettishly, and then finally shakes it off to talk to me again.
So with this game, it was as if she was determined to be as gross looking as possible. And she was. I have never laughed so hard in my life as I did watching my adorable little girl transform into Fiona from Shrek. It was terrible and funny and awe-inspiring. It became even more funny when I would try to get Cindy's attention away from the mirror long enough to look at me for the picture. An impossible feat, by the way.
Jon was just as hilarious because he was befuddled as all hell. He couldn't figure out what to do, even after I explained it, so he was always at the opposite side of the spectrum as his brother and sister. I told them to do crazy, and he smiled. Cute and he looked like a bug. Hardcore and gangsta and he looked about as Disney as he possibly could. Looking back at the pictures and seeing the difference had me laughing til I cried.
I think the highlight for me, and definitely the lowlight for Jon, was Cindy's enthusiasm for the crazy face portion of our "photo shoot". At one point she was making this incredible Igor-esque face, complete with hunched back and clawed hands, and she was breathing all hard and crazy through her nose. Next thing you know, a HUGE, wet glob of boogies flew out her nose, right onto Jon's forehead. It was DISGUSTING! And hilarious! I mean, I gagged, and at the same time I fell over laughing. I don't know if it was because of Jon's face or Cindy's, or shock at what I'd just witnessed, but I could not stop laughing. I literally had tears pouring down my face. Which is why it took me so long to realize Jon did too. His tears, not so much of laughter, as of disgust, anger, and embarrassment. I am ashamed to say I was unable to comfort him immediately because I had a hard time regaining my composure because every time I looked over I saw the boogies on his forehead, where he for some reason left them. I would fall out in laughter all over again as the scene replayed in my head. Finally, I got a hold of myself, apologized to Jon, and took him to the bathroom to scrub his head, because GROSS.
So now I have an amazing album of fun and crazy pics of my kids on my phone, to remind myself of a good day with my children. :D

A Good Day, Part 1

2010-01-13T03:05:00.003-05:00

Today was a good day. I'll tell you about the first half today, and next post will be about the rest.
So I let my youngest, Jordan, stay home from pre-k, and took him with me to run some errands. First stop, Barnes & Noble, because I had a 50% coupon and figured I could grab that new Nora Roberts book. So of course, within 15 minutes I had like 3 books that I wanted, because I am an avid reader, and I was waging an internal war over which book I would get. As I am agonizing over the choice, I feel a slight tug on my shirt. I look down and my son is staring up at me with a winning smile. "Books for me, Mommy?"
Ugh. I cannot resist that adorable smile. I am so weak. "Of course baby. Come on."
"Yes!" A quick fist pump and jump (him, not me), and we are on our way to the kiddie section. Jordan heads straight for the "new arrivals" section and grabs a 34.00 making-of Toy Story 3 book, that is bigger than a coffee table. I make a face at it as if I think it is lame beyond belief, and he quickly drops it back on the table. Breathing a sigh of relief, I steer him towards the bargain section. I mean, hello! I am unemployed and shouldn't even be buying myself a book, let alone one for him too. Jordan peruses the books, in his own particularly careful way. "Nope!" Toss onto the floor. "Booooring!" Dropped on the floor. "I. Don't. Like it!" Dropped and then kicked under the display table. Meanwhile I am frantically hissing his name, while scurrying about, trying to pick up the books, and smooth them down.
"Jordan! Stop throwing the books around or we are leaving right now and I am taking you to school!" I hiss threateningly.
"No! No school. Ok, I won't throw them neber again. I pwomise. Not eber, neber, eber."
Sigh. Too damn cute for his own good, and definitely too cute for mine.
"Fine. Hurry up and pick a book."
"Okay! Here. This is for my sister." Son of a bitch. Today would be the day he decides to be considerate. Why didn't I expect this? I mean, they fight like crazy, but they NEVER get anything, without reminding me the others need something too. And I can't very well show up at home with a book for one, and not the other two. And honestly, how cute is he? Not only did he get his sister something, but he got her the perfect something. A Disney Princess story book, which she will love.
"Ok, baby. What are you going to get your brother?"
"Hmmm." Pointer finger goes to his chin, and he begins tapping, an adorably intense look of concentration on his face. Pointer finger pops straight up into the air. "I know. Jon likes Spiderman and Transformers. That one!" He points to a great little Spiderman book, with a doodle board thingy, that Jon will love.
Then he looks at me, looks at the books in my hands, which I totally forgot to put back, and then looks back at me. He smiles slyly. "Can I have 3 books like you?"
"Umm, no,"
"Umm yes?"
"Not even close."
"Yes close?"
"Jordan."
Great big sigh. "Okay, Mommy. But why do YOU get three books and I don't?"
"Because I say so...anyway, Mommy isn't getting three books. See, I'm only getting one." I quickly drop the other two on the nearest shelf (my bad B & N employees).
Jordan smirks, and makes his choice. "This one! Toy Story."
I'm skeptical, because really, he's never shown an interest in Toy Story before. Then I notice it's a box set of 12 small books. Same cheap price as all the others, 11 extra books.
"Now I have more books than eweybody!" He gloats gleefully.
Sighing, we go to pay and go home. He sure got me there. I went there to buy one book, left with 4. Well, technically I left with 14, but let's not let Jordan win. I thought, well, at least I'll get to see the kids faces and when they see what I bought them. They'll be so excited and all "Oh Mommy, you're the best mommy ever in the whole world in the whole galaxy!" (They really do say that to me, I promise ). Or not.
There goes Jordan bellowing his greeting as he barrels past me when his siblings get home from school 3 hours later.
"Cindy! Jon! Guess what I got you because I told Mommy to get you something, so I got you something! It's from me only, I did it!"
Way to share the credit kiddo.

How About We Play the Quiet Game?

2010-01-08T10:12:00.001-05:00

My four year old son is on a roll. Jordan is becoming known within the house and among our family for being quick-witted, in a sometimes not so pleasant way. My family has an odd way of communicating, that for the most part, works for us. We're snarky with each other. For example, you may see me walk into the room, and my sister say "Hey bitch" and me reply "Hey ho!". It's normal for us, its like an endearment almost. So, while we obviously tone down the vulgarity with the kiddies around, they were bound to pick up some of our bad habits. Like Cindy's habit of rolling her eyes, Jon's habit of telling his brother and sister to "pipe down", or Jordan's quick, vaguely and sometimes not so vaguely, insulting replies.
My brother and Jordan have this love/fake hate relationship going for them. Jordan will walk by and my brother will grab him and start wrestling with him. My brother will be on the computer, Jordan will run in, punch him or throw something at him from across the room, and then take off running, my brother hot on his heels.
At first, I was uncomfortable with this, but that is their relationship, and both have been resistant to any interference from me, so I usually leave them alone.
So here's a couple of one liners from Jordan to his uncle when they are getting on each other's nerves.

Jordan is hanging off my shoulder, annoyingly saying my name over and over again to get my attention while I am having a conversation with my brother.

Me: Jordan, please! I said wait a minute.
Jordan: Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, but Mommy.
Bro: Jordan, shut the hell up, God.
Jordan (pointedly staring at him and then looking back at me): Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Bro: Hey Jordan, I have an idea, how bout you get the hell out of here.
Jordan: How about YOU play the quiet game?

Obviously my brother is not the most gentle nor patient with my kids, but Jordan is way used to it, and is in fact, able to match most of my family wit for wit in verbal sparring matches.

This time it was my brother interrupting a conversation with me and Jordan.

My brother was singing that old school Boy II Men song, "Motown Philly" and I jumped in at a certain part. Jordan had been talking to me, so he of course, gave me a pointed glare, and started over. While answering a question for him, my brother asked me about the song, and I answered him.
Jordan: Mommy! I'm talking!
Me: Sorry baby.
Bro: Hey Jenny, remember that song "So Hard To Say Goodbye to Yesterday"?
Me: Yeah
Jordan: Grrrrr
Me: I always think about Lethal Weapon when I hear that.

We proceeded to get into a discussion about which movie it was from and how much we loved those movies, and how we should totally do a Lethal Weapon marathon.
Jordan proceeded to throw death glares at his uncle for stealing my attention.

Bro: Jenny, what's your favorite Boys II Men song?

Quick as hell, before I could even form a response, Jordan answers.

Jordan: I know! Be quiet.

Then he calmly turns back to me and continues where he left off in his story, leaving me struggling to not laugh, and my brother to stare with his mouth open before leaving the room, face averted, trying to hide the laughter from Jordan.
We don't want to encourage him, because it's kinda disrespectful, but it's also damn funny, and I like that he can stand on his own.
But still, I think I'm in trouble :D

Fashionista in the Making

2010-01-05T16:44:00.001-05:00

It's SO cold in Florida right now. Like ridiculously cold, for a practically tropical place. I mean, it has been around 48 degrees here and I am freaking cold! We are pathetically unaccustomed to cold weather here, so people are in parkas, and gloves, scarves and hats, boots and long john undies when it's like 65 degrees. So you can imagine that when it's colder, we go totally overboard and freak out like we don't know how to go about our daily lives when it's cold. It's really sad. But through it all, I actually love the cold weather, as long as I have a heater and a blankie to cuddle up under. I LOVE dressing for the weather. I always see the cutest scarves and sweaters and boots and I love wearing them. My kids however, have NO concept of dressing for the weather. I tell them to dress warm, they throw on a pair of shorts, flip flops, and a t-shirt. When I tell them that means they have to wear clothes that cover their arms and legs, they wear knee-high socks and jackets over their shorts and tees. Today I had an appointment so I set their clothes out on the bed, and their jackets, and then left. When I met them at the school bus stop to pick them up, my son was wearing a totally different outfit, but at least it was warm. Kinda. I mean, he wore jeans, even if I'm pretty sure he was wearing his little brother's clothers, because those were some seriously tight highwaters. Sigh. But my daughter. WOW. She wore a totally different outfit too, but she had like 3 extra ones on as well. She decided her jacket was dirty, so threw it in the hamper, wore some capri sweats, over pantyhose, and then had on 3 t-shirts over her winter pj top. To top it off, she had on her fancy shoes. OMG. Why did my mother let her leave the house like that? She looks ridiculous and hilarious, and by extension, I look like a crap mom, who not only doesn't make sure her kids are warm, but let's them leave the house looking like a bum, or worse yet, an Olsen twin. Damnit. I'm not gonna lie and say I didn't run for the camera, but I am sad to say that she shed her clothing pretty quick, so I didn't capture that. It's a shame. I would have LOVED to show that picture to her prom date 12 years from now.

New Year's Eve Fireworks...and Not the Pretty Kind

2010-01-02T22:29:00.000-05:00

A couple of posts ago I talked about not being able to adjust to being a SAHM. So, I am doing a little better but not by much. I am still up all hours of the night, but I am actually getting things accomplished. So that's something, right? I'll take what I can get lol.
So lately things in the house have been kind of tense. My older brother and my sister are in some kind of war. They constantly hate on each other and insult each other. Granted, there is history there to warrant it, but it gets kind of wearing for the people around them. Well, New Years Eve, it all came to a head. Think explosions. It sucked. They had been making snarky comments to each other all night, but it wasn't really bothering anyone else. We were determined to have fun and we were. We were getting nice and drunk, playing board games. It sounds kind of lame, but in all honesty, it was a lot of fun. Then we all rushed into the living room to countdown til midnight, and everything went to hell. My brother and sister were hurling insults, as usual, when all of a sudden, my 18 yr old sister rushed at my 28 yr brother. Like, full on attack charge, with me, unfortunately, in the middle. She ran at him, a crazy look in her eyes, and screeched, "Call me a bitch one more time!!!" and then a fierce tug of war proceeded. The only one injured? Me, goddamnit. They broke my fucking earring, my favorite pair, and I ended up with a little scratch on my neck. Ugh. It was 12:00 on the dot. As soon as that happened, my mom ran at my brother and started screaming at him, telling him to keep his hands off her daughter. My sister went back to play on the computer, leaving the aftermath of her attack to be dealt with by everyone else. Which of course sucked. My mom and my brother went at it, my youngest sister and I crying, in shock that what had been a pleasant night fell apart so quickly and suddenly, and my aunt looked around in shock. Next thing I know, I turn around and my mom is getting up off the floor and she's running for a mallet or something. Apparently she tried to attack my brother and he pushed her away from him and she fell. We got the thing away from her, and I left the room and went for a walk. I only thank God my kids were asleep and didn't see this happen. My sister and I went at it later that night, because she was talking shit to my mom, and I was irritated that she had exploded and ruined a fun night, so I said "Boo fucking hoo" and boy was it on. She called me pathetic and a plethora of other things, and it all started because I asked her to tell me when she was off the computer. Fun times. Now everything is tense and awkward, and my mother has decided she is mad at everyone but the sister who started the drama so that's pleasant.
All I can say is hurray! I am moving out in March. My ex and I have come to an arrangement, and although we didn't work as a couple, we have always worked as parents. He loves his kids, and he is finally at a stable job so he can help me. It won't be perfect, but if it will get me out of here, and into my own place, I am willing to give it a try. It will be nice to have a partner in raising my kids, that's for sure. And they respect him and listen to him a hell of a lot more than they listen to me, which is totally unfair, I mean, hello! I raise them on a day to day basis. Ugh. That burns me. LOL
ANYWAY, I was down at first about the whole New Year's Eve situation, but now, I say screw that. That is not how my new year is going to start. I will write off that entire episode, and my new year starts now. It will be a great year, and I can't wait. :)
I hope you all had a better New Year's Eve than I did.

One Child's Fun Perspective, One Mother's Cringe-worthy Moment

2009-12-29T14:24:00.000-05:00

Well, damnit. I now officially think I am the WORST mother ever. Here I am, minding my own business, job-hunting online, when all of a sudden I hear my daughter's normally adorable voice turn into this God-awful screech. She is yelling and making such a ruckus that I stop and listen for a second, to kind of get the gist of what's going on. It both made me laugh, mortified me, and made me feel horribly guilty all at once.
Cindy: I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM, NOW!
Jon & Jordan: But Moooom...
C: NOW!
OMG, they are playing house and that is how a "mom" acts, in her perspective I guess. Holy crap is that how I act?
Jon: Mom, can I please watch cartoons?
C: NO!
Jordan: Mommy, can I-?
C: NO! YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING EVER!! STAY IN YOUR ROOM AND NO FIGHTING, NO TOYS, NO TV, OR NO CHRISTMAS, NO BIRTHDAYS, NO HALLOWEEN EVER NEVER AGAIN!!!
Jon: Mom, you never let us do anything!
C: So help me if you do not be quiet I will...!!!
This threat was left to hang unfinished in the air, ominous and quite frightening. My lord, I am a MAD WOMAN to go by my daughter's portrayal. I would like to be able to say there is no way I sound like this demented persona my daughter has taken on, but really, where else would she get it?
Jordan: Mommy, can I make a fort?
C: No. Always a mess! Mess! Mess! Mess! Why do you always make a mess, but never clean it?!
J & J: Sorry, Mommy.
C: It's ok, babies. Go take a nap. Nice, cheerful voice now. Good Lord, I'm bi-polar now too?

This game went on and on and I shudder to recall it. As a single mom, I am constantly feeling overwhelmed by the kids and the constant demand for attention, and pressure, and cleaning, and cooking, and everything else that comes with being a parent. But I try not to be some horrible, screechy, unpleasant person. Apparently I am not succeeding. I really don't think I am that bad, but I definitely have my crazy moments where I am just bellowing like a freak. I am praying that my daughter just exaggerated for performances sake. Because otherwise, I will just cry lol.
I called Cindy over and asked her if that's how mommy acts, and she just gave me a hug and walked away. I don't know what to make of that...hmm.
I was in the same room as my brother when this happened and he laughed his ass off while I hunched over my laptop in mortification. He thought it was hilarious, I thought it was kinda funny, mostly not.

And by the way, I never threatened to take away their birthdays, just Halloween and Christmas. :p

Hard to Adjust

2009-12-27T12:20:00.001-05:00

So, my choice or not, it appears I am a stay at home mom. I have always secretly wanted this. I mean what mom wouldn't want to actually spend time with their families, rather than 10 hours either at work, or traveling to and from work? If I was financially able to, I would totally be a SAHM. But sadly, that is so not the case. I am broker than broke, and I NEED to work.
I figured though, man, I am going to have all this free time on my hands, and I will get SO much done. Wow has that NOT been the case. Like at all. I go to bed each night with a list of things I need to take care of. I start the list, make a little progress, get distracted, and then I don't know what the hell happens. I am actually getting very little done. I am so not adjusting well to the idea of a productive SAHM. I am sleeping late, watching TV, and most of all, and I am SO kinda embarrassed to admit this, but I am totally obsessed with this computer game, World of Warcraft. Me and my younger sister have been playing this game SO much. It is so fun and challenging, and creative, and totally the kind of game that just sucks you in. I mean, there are actually support groups for quitting this game. Ridiculous. But I love it. So I spend hours playing this game, and get nothing done. Pretty much, the only breaks I have been taking are feeding, bathing, and checking on the kids. I try to check off my to-do list pretty early so I can have uninterrupted game time, but sometimes it just doesn't get done. My sons love to watch me play and so we are kind of bonding over it, which is cool. But that's really just a justification for me to play, right? LOL
Seriously though, I need to have a serious sit down with myself, and find a way to be at home and be productive. Because I am so not there right now. I really want to blog more, but with Christmas, I was struggling just to figure out how to give the kids a good Christmas, which by the way, was totally AWESOME, so I was too distracted to write. But now I will totally be on it more.
I've chosen to view this forced situation as a bit of a vacation, because I guarantee that when I am working again, I will be SO ready to have a vacation within the first month.