FEAR THEATRE

Return To Horror High F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-25T11:05:00.000-08:00

Return To Horror High 5/10
Richard Brestoff, George Clooney, Vince Edwards

A few years ago a mysterious and savage killer stalked the Halls of Crippen High, butchering a slew of nubile teenagers and teachers. The killer was never caught. Now, years later, a foolish and badly dressed film crew and a gaggle of appalling actors return to the scene of the massacre to make a movie. Soon, after the cast and crew begin strangely disappearing one at a time, they realise the killer is back, and intent on cutting more than the movie.

TERROR 2/5

The true fear here lies not in the weak frights and scares doled out every ten frickin minutes, but it's instead found in the acting, and the plot...and of course in George Clooney's perfectly curled hair. There's a couple of scare moments that might pick out the unwary amongst you but for regular horror watchers, especially the eighties horror fans out there, these 'scares' are well signposted and therefore...well...shit.

Yep, this movie will haunt him forever...

GORE   4/5

Blood by the bucketful is thrown about, and over, the cast and crew with wild abandon. Although due to the chaotic storyline we can't be quite sure which blood is real and which is fake, but by god it's certainly spurting and spraying all over the place! There's also a couple of interesting death scenes including death by giant fan, death by decapitation, death by dissection and death(ish) by javelin, but most of the actual violence happens off camera and we are left wanting...well, the true horror fans amongst us are anyway!

NUDITY   3/5

At last! We have side-boob!! Not only that but we have full-on boob, down-shot boob and even up-shot boob, as well as some considerable ass-shots! As a matter of fact this movie is jam packed full of boobs, I fear it's possibly a ruse to make up for the appalling plot and acting that stalk the halls of Crippen High...I hardly noticed...you know, due to all the boobs.

CHARACTERS / PLOT   1/5

Okay, I'm not gonna kid you here, the movie within a movie, within a movie, within a dream, within a movie 'plot'..is utter bollocks. Seriously, I cannot stress how shit and confusing the actual plot is, and I'm pretty sure that if I sat down with a pad and pen and tried to work out a cohesive and understandable timeline for the events portrayed within, then I would surely go mad. Saying that though, it's one of those films that skirts on the 'so bad it's actually quite good' territory and is still worth a watch, even if it's just so you can belittle the utter shit out of it later. So who actually dies in this movie? I hear you ask...inside my head (which is worrying). The only thing I know for sure...is that I honestly don't know anything, the only thing I do know for certain is that you're gonna have a hard time working it out yourself...some puzzles are better left unsolved.

Two decapited heads are better than one.

I'm away to scream obscenities at the moon now, before my horror high induced madness subsides. Happy Christmas dad! Wibble Wibble!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0093854/

The Killing Room F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-23T15:06:00.000-08:00

The Killing Room 7/10
Nick Cannon, Clea Duvall, Timothy Hutton, Chloe Sevigny, Peter Stormare

Four strangers volunteer for what they believe is a standard behavioural study, and an easy way to make some quick cash. What they have instead volunteered for is a terrifying test of human limitations, both mental and physical, and after the first of many brutal and clinical acts against them, it soon becomes clear that none of them may leave this room alive. There's no escape from the killing room...or is there? Upstairs, in the viewing room, behind a thick sheet of one way glass watches Behavioural and body language expert Emily, who may have her own serious mental limitations to overcome before the day is through...

TERROR 1/5

I was kind of torn by reviewing this movie here at all as, even though I found it in the horror section of my local rental store, I wouldn't necessarily class it as a horror at all. It's more like a psychological thriller than anything else, and although it's a great watch and a pretty terrifying idea to boot, it doesn't rate too highly on the old Fear Theatre terror scale. Sorry Killing room, but you're as scary as a big bag of grandma's.
In fact scrap that thought, a bag of grannies may just be the most terrifying thing ever...

GORE 2/5

Peek-A-Boo

There's a good bit of blood but no gore to speak of, the blood comes from a couple of head wounds and there's a nasty bit where a slightly unhinged volunteer coats himself in his downed friends blood to better aid his escape...it's actually a sound plan when he describes it, just a bit whacko. Then again, seeing how wacko they go is pretty much the point of this whole experiment is it not?

NUDITY 0/5

I for one am happy that there's no nudity in a sealed, white room with three angry dudes. That sounds as disturbing as a porno version of 12 angry men. Man, you could have a fun time thinking up porn names for that movie. 12 angry boabies perhaps? Too much?

Come dine with me had taken a dramatic new twist.

CHARACTERS / PLOT 4/5

For a low budget movie set mostly in one plain, white, sterile room this movie actually has a great little script, a good plot, strong, believable characters and some top-notch acting. Chloe Sevigny does a brilliant turn as the emotionally torn psychologist and the always good Peter Stormare takes 'creepy government dude' to a whole new level.Add to that Timothy Hutton and his excellent take on a man slowly losing his sanity in a world he no longer controls, and you have a great little slice of big-screen paranoia!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1119191/

Welcome To The Jungle F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

Welcome To The Jungle 6/10
Sandy Gardiner, Callard Harris, Nick Richey, Veronica Sywak

This is not the throw-away action caper starring The Rock and Sean William Scott, although if they were in this, kicking Cannibal ass in a kind of slapstick, though ultra violent way, it would perhaps have been a much better movie. As it stands though it's not actually too bad. Shot entirely from the viewpoint of two video cameras a-la Blair Witch, two young couples wander aimlessly into the jungles of New Guinea to solve the mystery of a vice president's sons disappearance thirty years previous. They hope to find, and then interview him, and sell the video for a million bucks, instead they foolishly mess around with shit they've no business messing around with and end up on the radar of our local flesh eating tribes who are eyeing them up for lunch...cue lots of half painted and sleekit, spear wielding tribesmen, tracking our group of extremely loud idiots through the jungle, just waiting for their chance to pounce...nom nom nom.
Shit, now I'm hungry...

TERROR 1/5

As much as it wasn't a bad movie per say, it certainly didn't fill me with dread, as startled and under nourished looking tribesmen don't really fill me with fear. They are armed with sharpened sticks for fucksake and they aren't even dressed properly, I'm scarier than them! Actually, now that we're on that thought, I'm not even dressed properly right now...damn. On another note, if you ever see a giant shed-type structure on your travels, built entirely of human bones, then DON'T TOUCH IT!! I would assume that was pretty self-explanatory but there you go.

Hellooooooo!

GORE 3/5

While all the meaty carnage is actually committed off-camera, we still get to see the gory aftermath, and it certainly is gory! With un-subtle nods towards the earlier Italian Cannibal movies, we see one of the hapless adventurers impaled through the back of the head with a sharpened bamboo pole and left to dangle in the hot sun like drying meat. While another is kept alive even after losing all of his limbs, apparently, as we assume from earlier conversations, to keep the meat fresh. (I wonder if that's how Burger King get those damn burgers of theirs so tasty?) The first three quarters of the movie are pretty bloodless and leave you wondering if the blood 'n guts will ever come at all, but they do, and there's feckin limbs littered all over the place at one point. Kind of looks a bit like my spare room at home, but with less limbs.

Hellooooo!!!

NUDITY 0/5

Some barely dressed, male natives for your viewing pleasure if that's what your here for, but apart from that, no. Oh wait, there IS some sideboob later on in the movie, but the girl is in fact dead and hanging from a bamboo pole by her frickin face. Sorry if I've ruined your 'private man time' now...just remember that if you play with it too much it'll fall off.

CHARACTERS / PLOT 3/5

As annoying as these arseholes are throughout this movie, the acting is actually not too bad-not great mind you but I have seen worse many, many times. I have to admit that the two antagonists in the group are a bit over the top with the arrogance and excitement of it all, but I would still say that I know people who are this annoying in real life, so well done on acting like someone I would want to murder myself (slowly claps hands), Well done dicks. One of the failings here is that we don't actually root for anyone to survive, out of the four people who enter the jungle, two are all-round terrible people, and the other two are as boring as a day on the moon. Come on the natives I say! At least they don't go around messing with people's skull-huts. That's just rude.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1090360/

Nine Lives F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

Nine Lives 2/10

Rosie Fellner, Paris Hilton, Vivienne Harvey

Nine Vacuous friends attend a 21st birthday bash for a guy who looks to be in his thirties, in a feckin' massive Mansion in the Scottish highlands. One of them opens a cursed book, or something, and a vengeful Scottish ghost just 'pops oot' and begins to take over the party guests one at a time, rudely using them to stab the shit out of each other somewhere just off camera...or something. Seriously though, that's pretty much as bored as I felt while watching this movie. I actually read some of the paper during it, and done a little bit of the brain-teaser, just to break up the monotony of it all. Let's face it, I was only watching it too see Paris get naked anyway, and when she bites the big one (not in that sense, pervert) without breaking out the puppies, then I just kind of gave up. kudos to the mental, murderous Scottish ghost though, if I was stuck in a house with these nine arseholes then I would probably kill them all as well. In my opinion, you should avoid this movie like you would avoid a 'little chef' toilet.

Cheers everyone! Our careers are ruined!

TERROR 1/5

The single, lonely, solitary point given here is for the terrifying acting displayed within the confines of this movie. Even the snow storm, that was supposedly whipping up a frenzy outside the mansion during the 'horror', couldn't act worth a shit and honestly looked like someone was just throwing soap powder in from a box somewhere just off camera. The few scares that they try and actually catch us with are so badly stumbled into, and blatantly signposted with ever rising drum and bass music, that they just seem a bit, well, ridiculous. Yes, that's right, I said 'drum and bass'...enough said really.

GORE 0/5

As goreless as an episode of Scooby Doo, and half as much fun, I honestly have no idea why this film has an eighteen certificate. Most of the deaths are done off camera and it's an entirely bloodless affair throughout. Maybe they blew all of the budget on soap powder for the snow scenes?

That's not a look of love.

NUDITY 0/5

Paris Hilton and gratuitous nudity usually go hand in hand but not in this movie, a beautiful cast, according to the DVD jewel case at least, are kept fully clothed throughout...So that's nine drunken teenagers on holiday for a 21sy birthday bash and there's absolutely no sex or nude lesbian shenanigans?? Now that is ridiculous. So to cap that off, this 'horror' movie has no scares, no blood, and no nudity whatsoever, and it still has an eighteen certificate...I can't quite put my finger on it yet, but there's definitely something amiss here...

CHARACTERS / PLOT 1/5

Terrible acting, characterisation, script, plot, direction and accents throughout. Not only that but every single horror cliche is visited, and visited badly, so we have a group of brain dead idiots splitting up, dying, regrouping, splitting up, dying, crying a bit, regrouping...and repeat until one. The little tacked-on explanation speech at the end will also make you so angry that you'll want to go down to your local rental store and slap the clerk, and then keep slapping him until he either destroys the disc or the police turn up and arrest you, whatever comes first. You'll be fine though, once the jury get a look at this Celluloid disaster, there's no way they'll convict you.

...No Trailer was found for this film, maybe that video clerk was more thorough than you thought he would be.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0318497/

Harpoon (The Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre) F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-14T12:34:00.000-08:00

Harpoon (The Reykjavik Whale Watching Massacre) 3/10
Who stars in it? Who gives a shit? IMDB it yourself if you're that bothered.

A group of cliched idiot tourists get into a spot of bother on a whale watching ship in Iceland, when a drunken Frenchman harpoons their captain. Thus leaving him seriously injured, and leaving them at the mercy of a whacked out clan of ex-whalers on an old whaling vessel. It actually sounds a lot better than it is, trust me. Don't believe the hype or get sucked in by the super cool looking poster depicting this movie as Iceland's answer to The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The only thing the two movies have in common is that they both have the word 'Massacre' in the title. First you unleash manic pop pixie Bjork on an unsuspecting world and now this?

Fuck you Iceland.

You're not scary, you're just hairy.

TERROR   1/5

To be blunt, this movie is just far too shit and downright stupid to be scary, and that's pretty much as blunt and as honest as I can be on the subject. The character deaths are way over the top for starters, and although this may work for other movies, it certainly doesn't work here. Another gripe is that the movie itself seems to lurch between out-and-out slasher movie and 'kooky' black comedy. Three hours after watching this steaming pile of dog turd and I still don't actually know what it wants to be when it's all growed-up, as it was neither scary nor funny...just plain weird. We also take off another point for the utterly crap murderous boat family. There's a big difference between 'evil' and 'retarded'. Learn it.

GORE   3/5

Gallons of blood, and plenty of maimings, burnings, choppings, and stabbings, but it all feels rather fake because the general tone of the movie is all over the place as I touched on above. When the characters die you don't know whether you're meant to feel sad or happy about it, and you end up just kind of going hmmm every time some idiot get's butchered.
Hmmm is not a good noise to utter to yourself time and time again when watching a movie.

NUDITY   2/5

An actress tries to escape from this shitty movie...and fails.

There's one or two cheap 'boob shots' littered throughout the movie, but considering, in one of the shots, the boob in question is being smeared in blood by a hunchback (seriously), it kind of negates any titillation gained from said boob-showage. Unless you're turned on by hunchbacks smearing blood on boobs, in which case your looking at the wrong website. Try smearyhunchbackporn.org instead.

CHARACTERS / PLOT 1/5

Aaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!!!!! Is pretty much my thoughts on both the plot and the characters in this movie. A clutch of tourists are easy prey for the family of maddies, especially because every one of them is a typical grade-z horror movie cliche. All except for the 'crazy twist' regarding the main character being gay. (is he even the main character? I'm not actually sure as there's no obvious emphasis on any of these forgettable cardboard cut-outs!) There's a drunken Frenchman, a snap-happy Asian family, a hard black dude (who is gay...whoah!! Thats just crazy!), a christian, a good time girl who has had the shittest day ever, and a trio of bitter old women. Thankfully most of these people die horribly during the film, which is pretty much all it has going for it. Add to that mess the usual 'running, screaming and hiding without fighting back' nonsense, dodgy camera work, utterly pointless red herrings and side stories, and an Asian suicide bomber. I hate Iceland.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1075749/

Clive Barker's The Plague F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-12T12:13:00.000-08:00

Clive Barker's The Plague 6/10
James Van Der Beek, Ivana Milicevic, Brad Hunt

Clive Barker puts his name to yet another (only just) above average horror / thriller with the apocalyptic nightmare that is The Plague. Ten years ago, all over the world, any child nine years old or under slipped into a sudden coma, and the world was plunged into confusion and sadness. Now, all at once, they have suddenly awoken and a bloody and terrifying battle-between-the-generations ensues as this army of zombie-like teenagers go on the rampage, killing every other human in sight in as gruesome a manner as possible! Think Day of the dead crossed with Children of the Corn and you're almost there.

Day of the Corn Children we'll call it...yes, I like that.

Seriously though...are you trying to tell me you wouldn't frickin' love to see a horror movie called Day of the Corn Children?? Why?
Fuck you, that's why.

TERROR 3/5

To be fair, I feel like this some morning's too.

Well, children frighten me in general, especially the thought of actually having any, and then having to bring the little bastards up at a cost of tens of thousands of pounds over a sixteen year period, so I may be a bit biased here and this should probably only be 2/5. Honestly though, even their tiny fuckin' hands and feet scare me, and the constant whining for toys and sweets, and the questions...sweet Jesus, the questions never stop! Now imagine all of the above, but armed to the teeth, operating with a hive intelligence and hating you even more than they usually do...scary isn't it.

GORE 2/5

Pretty much all the killing is done off screen, all the nasty ones anyway, but we do get too see the blood drenched homes, churches, schools and hospitals in the aftermath of the massacres, and the red stuff in each of these scenes is sprayed around quite liberally.

NUDITY 0/5

Since this movie has a cast made up of approximately 99% zombie-like Children, I don't think I need to justify this rating with an answer.

If you stop thinking...it's watchable, honest.

CHARACTERS / PLOT 3/5

As we all know, Clive Barker movies (adaptions or otherwise) can be hit or miss, Nightbreed was a great movie, but Midnight Meat Train was...well...it was a wee bit 'Vinnie Jones' for my liking, and I think that's enough said on the subject. Anyway, this movie falls somewhere in between those two markers, It's a good movie to watch if you don't delve too deeply into the murky pool of obvious plot inconsistencies and heavily ladled religious overtones (and if the children have been bed-ridden for ten year's...how the hell do their legs still work...muscle atrophy anyone???).

Just check your intelligence in at the door, sit down, relax, put on the DVD, and set the rest of your brain to 'autopilot' for the duration of the movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0479125/

Ghost Watch F.T. Movie Review Extra

2012-01-10T07:32:00.000-08:00

I have to admit I'm cheating just a wee bit here...Ghost Watch is not a movie, it's an old early nineties (but with late eighties hair) Halloween television special made by the BBC, but to hell with it, I love it, so I'm reviewing it! I remember watching it for the first time when I was like 10 years old on TV. It was Halloween night, It was dark, and I was shitting myself in my parents living room with my younger cousin as we prepared for 'the scary program'. My parents had went to bed early to let us enjoy the show, everyone deserves a good scare on Halloween, right? Well my dad certainly thought so and had concocted an evil plan all of his own when he decided it would be funny as hell to climb out of the bedroom window onto the veranda, all very sneakily and quietly, and burst through the veranda door into the living room.

He had a knife clutched in his hand (a large blunt bread knife, but in the shadows it makes no difference, the effect is the same) and thick black tights over his head...and he was fucking screaming.

I damn near died. My little cousin damn near died. I'm pretty sure someone should have died.

Fuck you dad, you scarred me forever...but damn do you know how to scare the shit out of someone properly! Kudos.

Here may be spoilers....

Ghost Watch 7/10
Michael Parkinson, Sarah Greene, Mike Smith, Craig Charles

the BBC made this awesome paranormal mockumentary back in 1992 on Halloween, and statrted it with a little disclaimer at the beginning...but if you missed the beginning of it, like thousands across Britain did, then you were about to have the absolute shitters put up you as nineties presenting heavyweights Craig Charles, Michael Parkinson, Sarah Greene and Mike Smith lose control of a terrifying situation right in front of our eyes, and the British public find out too late that Haunting's may not stay in their place or origin...and certainly don't like being watched by an eager nation of couch potatoes on Halloween night...

TERROR 4/5

Hapless victim no

Crazy, knife wielding, tight wearing fathers apart, this terrified me when I was younger way more than Jason or Freddy ever did because the people who were presenting it were real people, people who I knew and watched every day on the telly, and yet here they were, smack bang in the middle of a bloody horror movie! It's a little dated now to be completely fair, especially the clothes and the hair (I'm looking at you Mike Smith) but it still gave me little shivers when I watched it recently, with its series of well staged scares and a slow, tension filled build-up that only heightens the craziness of the final 30mins. This was so scary on it's original air date that the BBC were inundated with complaints, and some guy even committed suicide over it, and due to these taintings the remarkable show promptly never seen the light of day for many years to follow. It even knocked back a well deserved Bafta award because the BBC basically wanted to wash it's hands of it at the time. It doesn't really make much sense to me, I'm sure loads of people have killed themselves over Justin Beiber and yet that little shitehole is still on the telly, there's just no justice in the world.. On a little side note, the writers of The Blair Witch Project were supposed to have seen this about a month before they came up with their own movie idea...So basically this low budget, made for television movie is the father of The Blair Witch Project, Paranormal Activity, and pretty much anything of that ilk. Does it pay any child support towards it's terrifying children? You bet your ass it doesn't.


Mr. Pipes...apparently...

GORE   0/5

No gore, only a few minor scratches on a girl's face and tales of a dead dog...well, an alleged dead dog.

This just isn't that type of film though and it relies instead on a steady pace and cliched but well presented scares to frighten the viewer, who needs buckets of blood when you have Mr. Pipes and his army of cats hiding in the Glory Hole? (That last sentence may sound like I've just ingested a shit load of LSD but if you watch the movie, it makes perfect sense, and actually isn't half as perverted as it sounds...).

NUDITY   0/5

It's the BBC in the early nineties man, what's wrong with you?

CHARACTERS / PLOT   4/5

Steven Volk may have just thrown in every horror cliche he could find into the one movie, but boy, he does it with a style and a panache that many other writers could never achieve in an entire career writing horror scripts! It turns out this beast could actually have been scarier to the power of ten but the BBC in all its arsehole wisdom decided to go through the entire first draft of the original script and tstrip out a lot out of scares that it thought might offend the British public...that's right, this is actually the less scary and offensive version of the movie! Some deleted scenes had Michael Parkinson telling the public, in all seriousness, that 'Mr. Pipes may even be in your home now' and Steven Volk had even initially wanted to have a high-pitch sound over the parts of the program where we hear the 'cats in the walls', so that cats and dogs in homes throughout the country would react, and thus scare the shit out of their owners.
Basically if the writer had his full way, this could have been MENTAL.

Seriously...shit got real.

Yes the acting is crap throughout, but rather than drag the story down it actually enforces the realism, these people are presenters, not actors, and they act like they do all the time when we see them on TV...Craig Charles is still an annoying arsehole throughout, Sarah Greene is Smiley and excitable as she always is, and Michael Parkinson is maddeningly unflappable even when the shit hits the fan all around him...just as you would expect him to be.

Is it a masterpiece? Not quite, but for a low budget television program, made by the BBC in the early nineties, it came pretty damn close.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0200659

51 F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

51 5/10
Rachel Miner, Jason London, Bruce Boxleitner

The American military buckle under the combined weight of political and public pressure and grudgingly agree to allow four reporters unlimited access to the top-secret military base at area51, to dispel the alien / flying saucer rumours once and for all. Rather than dispel the rumours however, our four hapless reporters and a crack team of mind-numbingly incompetent air force personnel are hunted throughout the base and taken apart, quite literally, by a threesome of escaping Aliens intent on going home, and massacring any and all who stand in their way! To be fair though, if your gonna have twenty or so thick-as-a-plank soldiers with no brains or brawn guarding the countries most prized and secretive underground facility then you deserve to get your ass handed to you on a plate by a trio of pissed off E.T.'s...just saying.

TERROR 1/5

Not even any decent jumpy scenes, and everything that's obviously intended to be a jumpy scene you can literally see coming a mile off, it's a 'brain-off, eat-popcorn' type of movie, not a fright-fest. Apart from that, although the monsters do look good, they also look kind of 'cartoony'...if that's even a word. We'll say it is.

From Tron to this? Really Bruce??

GORE 4/5

Buckets of blood and gore are thrown at the screen with wanton abandon but again, it's all rather 'cartoony' (As previously discussed, it is a fuckin' word!) so rather than feel shocked about the savaged scientists, soldiers and severed limb-dragging man, we only in fact snigger at his pathetic attempts at reaching the intercom before he's dragged back into the darkness by unseen alien hands. That shit happens a few times actually. I'm pretty sure that due to budget constraints (It's brought to us by the SyFy channel) most of the killing is done off-screen and we mostly see the shattered remains of victims after the savaging has been completed. That said however, I would be selling it short if I gave it any lower than 4 on the gore-o-meter just for the Gallons of blood used alone.

We're gonna need a bigger gun...and a better script.

NUDITY 0/5

None, but soldiers very rarely get naked while on duty. Even American soldiers...I'm sure it's an actual rule.

CHARACTER / PLOT 2/5

The plot is pretty laughable and I'm sure if I mulled on it a little longer I would be able to pick it apart like a drunkard tearing at wallpaper edges, the characters are pretty forgettable as well and the movie is almost a place where once promising actor have came to die. I also think the U.S. Airforce may take umbrage at the fact most of them (for 'most' see 'all') in this movie are portrayed as idiotic, cowardly, despondent arseholes. Or maybe that's 'cos they all are...
Oorah motherfuckers.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1629439/

Final Destination 5 F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-03T10:14:00.000-08:00

Final Destination 5   6/10
Nicholas D'Agosto, Emma Bell, Arlen Escarpeta, Jaqueline Macinnes Wood

Another group of pretty (yet as daft as a box of hair) teenagers get slashed, lasered, mashed, mangled, stabbed and shot in this fifth, and maybe last, Final Destination outing...at least it's the last if the end credits are anything to go by. This time our group of victims survive a deadly bridge collapse just in the nick of time, leading to one pissed off death and a series of random meetings with Tony Todd.

Seriously though, if I ever see Tony Todd in real life I'm just topping myself there and then, It would be much easier and less nasty.

TERROR   3/5

As with the four previous movies, there are plenty of 'Oh sweet Jesus!' moments, nail biters and teeth grinders they all are, but almost instantly forgettable after the movie ends. So although you may inadvertently shit your pants at select moments during the film, later on you'll forget why your pants ever got so full in the first place. Then hopefully you'll go and clean yourself up, change your underwear, and you know, not tell anybody about your whole 'pant-shitting' experience...

GORE   4/5

The blood 'n guts is ladled on thick and nasty all the way to the end credits, where we are subjected to an amazing reel of every single awesome frickin Final Destination death scene...from all five movies! If you want to see some nasty end of line specials involving eye surgery, Buddha, needles, fuselage, tar, exercise bars and more...then you're in the right place! The fact that most of the killings are aimed at the 3D market is a bit of an arse though, especially if you're not watching the movie in 3D...

Just fuck right off Mr. Todd.

NUDITY 0/5

Beautiful people...no side boob.
Fuck you Hollywood.

CHARACTERS/PLOT 2/5

Shallow and unbelievable cardboard cut-outs the lot of them, But let's be honest with each other, we're not watching this movie for interesting and absorbing characters and a tense, nail-biting plot. No, we're renting this bad boy to see all of these idiots die unusual and gruesome deaths, while the survivors bumble about, unsuccessfully trying to work out what the shit is going on and what to do about it before they succumb to death's twisted machinations...marvellous.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1622979/

Troll Hunter F.T. Movie Review

2012-01-03T10:03:00.000-08:00

Troll Hunter 7/10
Otto Jespersen, Glenn Erland Tosterud, Johanna morck
Those sneaky Norwegian bastards are hiding some rather huge secrets in them there backwoods and mountains of theirs...a whole new breed of huge secrets to be more precise! A 'not very bright' college camera crew track and trace what they think is a poacher of bears, for an interview into his apparent misdeeds. They eventually manage to hunt him down only to find, to their stunned amazement, that he is hunting bigger game than bears...Trolls! Pissed off by losing out on hazard pay, sick pay and overtime bonuses from the Norwegian government, the hunter agrees to let our band of inexperienced documentary film-makers follow him on his newest hunt, 'blair witch' style through the woods and mountains of Norway, with disastrous consequences...

TERROR 1/5

Think more Jurassic Park rather than actual horror and you're closer to the real feel of the movie as It's not really a horror movie at all, no matter what section you find it in in the local video shop! Please don't let that put you off though as it is a hell of a lot of fun to watch nonetheless! There's giant fricken' monsters rampaging through the woods for god's sake, what more do you need?!

Will you stop with that fucking light???

GORE 1/5

A single, solitary point for a shitload of slime, no real blood or gore in this one so if that's solely what you're after in a horror then this isn't for you. Oh, and you probably need some therapy too...

NUDITY 0/5

Nope, no naked humans within, there are however some naked Trolls...but believe me when I say that they aint bringing sexy back.

Gimme five tin-man!!

CHARACTERS/PLOT 4/5

For a low budget European serving this is actually an extremely well written little monster movie and kept me gripped and happy throughout, even after I had initially guffawed at my Girl's choice of film! Don't be a dick and opt for the English language choice though as it loses quite a bit in translation, keep with the subtitled version and you can't go wrong.
Cue the inevitable American remake for people that are just too damn lazy to read subtitles...I do despair.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1740707/

Prowl F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-23T08:40:00.001-08:00

PROWL 6/10
Ruta Gedmintas, Courtney Hope, Bruce Payne

Another film that enforces the ridiculous idea that all small town American teenagers are gorgeous, sex mad drug fiends (well, apart from the token fat one obviously)...I fuckin' wish. This movie started just as predictably as I had expected it to, but then moved on at a relentless, tension filled pace that I didn't expect. A group of teenagers go on a cross-country road trip so that one of their number can pay the deposit on a new flat in the big city (as you do). Once on the road however things take a turn for the worse when their car breaks down on a lonely stretch of highway (As they do). Their luck looks to have turned when a friendly, albeit creepy truck driver reluctantly offers them a lift in the back of his cab (as they do)-on one condition, that nobody looks in the boxes he has in there. Surprisingly no alarm bells go off in our simple corn-fed American brain units and they happily pile in and proceed to get absolutely shitfaced on all manner of stimulants. It soon becomes clear however that all is not well with their new fast moving death-can after the truck parks up at a deserted warehouse estate, and the back door slides open all by itself to reveal a dark, dingy, and apparently very smelly old slaughterhouse...and there's not an animal in sight. So obviously there's a maniac out there somewhere in the darkness, waiting...Lucky for them there is no maniac hiding in the fetid darkness. Unlucky for them there's an army of the bastards, and they all have super strength, huge pointy fangs and rumbling bellies...

Okay, okay! You can have my hat! Jesus!

TERROR   2/5

Some good ol' fashioned 'big crazy screaming face out of nowhere' type frights abound as an army of vampires leap, jump and prance about in the darkness, like a hideous ballerina troupe high on PCP. The body count isn't high, but a couple of these people die a few deaths so the unknown pecking order of doom is enough to keep you on your toes awaiting the next jump.

GORE   4/5

Body-parts and arterial blood spray's aplenty as our legion of bloodsuckers work their way through the relatively unknown cast with ease. I know it's only practice kills for these guys, but they seem pretty good at what they do already. The last time I practiced on a skateboard I damn near broke my fucking face, I never aced it first time round. (I gave up actually, I'm too pretty to take that kind of punishment)

NUDITY   0/1

for a group of sex starved, drug and drink addled teenagers (who, to be honest, look more like twenty-eight to thirty five year olds) there's a genuine lack of nudity on display here for which I must say I'm hugely disappointed. I do like a bit of sex with my violence...though not in the same scene obviously.

This isn't scary, this is just closing time in any Glasgow bar.

PLOT/CHARACTER 3/5

Not too bad actually, the after-dark series of original horrors (of which I have been slowly working my way through this week) have all been quite good on the old plot and characterisation aspects. They aren't great, but they aren't big budget blockbusters either so you shouldn't expect them to be mind-blowing. They're low end, but well made little slices of terror for the 'sit at home and eat crisps, while watching movies on a week night' market. If you take them as they are you'll really enjoy them, and you might even let out an involuntary aaawwww when one of the characters dies a horrific death.Then again, you might not...

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1559033/

Stake Land F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-23T08:39:00.002-08:00

STAKE LAND 7/10
Connor Paolo, Nick Damici, Kelly McGillis, Danielle Harris

Desolate, barren, frightening, that's not the movie, that's just the view from my living room window as I stare out at the rain soaked waste-grounds beyond and ponder this bleak vampire horror from Jim Mickle (the man who brought us some more desolation, and blood drinkers of a different type, in the low budget cult horror Mulberry Street). America has crumbled under economic and political disaster and a vampire plague has swept through the shattered remains of the towns and cities, leaving pockets of survivors holed up in closed off 'safe' towns throughout the country. A violent vampire killer called simply 'mister', and a young boy he saved from the vampires years earlier, travel across America on their way to Canada, which is apparently the new Eden and the safest place to be from the vampire hordes. On their tails is not only the bloodsuckers that own the night, but also an army of religious zealots intent on using the vampires as a weapon, to bring what is left of the country to its bloody knees.

TERROR 2/5

Nom nom nom.

An excellent film but far too dramatic and moody to be classed as scary, Don't get me wrong, it's incredibly brutal at points but not in a scary way. I think the problem is that we are all far too used to these 'bleak future' movies nowadays. Once I was probably frightened of 'the end days' but now I have a selection of dried fruit in tiny silver bags, loads of tins of 'assorted shit' that I wouldn't normally eat, an aluminium baseball bat purchased cheaply from amazon, and a bag of water purification tablets sitting in my spare room. Bring it on I say. I'm just as ready for the apocalypse now as I'm ever likely to be. Aliens, zombies, vampires, not a fucking problem, I'll just choke 'em with dried fruit. Just please don't let there giant spiders.

GORE 3/5

As much blood as you would expect to find in a vampire laden apocalypse, people are munched on left, right and centre. These vamps are also incredibly difficult to kill, meaning there's a hell of a lot of slashing, stabbing, shooting and tearing before they finally drop, twilight eat yer heart out, this is what a REAL vampire would probably look like, a shambling, mindless, blood drenched, snarling animal, not a poncy sparkling pretty boy.

I see Canada hasn't changed much then...

NUDITY 0/5

Man, no nudity? The future really is a bleak and shitty place...

PLOT/CHARACTER 4/5

A low(er) budget movie such as this needs a strong plot line and good acting to pull it above the herd and this one has both. This feels like an anti-buddy movie, these characters don't need to be loved by anyone and they make pretty much the same decisions and mistakes and ask the same difficult questions as I think we ourselves would in the same situations. There's a lack of heroics from mister but also a strong sense of morals in a world gone bad, as two rapists soon find out when they cross his path, and these morals themselves seem as broken as the landscape they are trying to traverse. It's not long into this movie we realise that it's humans they encounter along the way who pose the most danger to our cross country duo, and not the vampires. I usually hate shitty sentiment like this in my movies (i.e. it is actually WE who are the monsters...and not...you know...the actual monsters), but it's never rammed down our throats with this movie, and actually seems to work. There is also a few interesting WTF?? plot twists and unexpected moments that I wouldn't dare spoil for you, all in all a very well done horror.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1464580/

Shock Labyrinth F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-23T08:39:00.000-08:00

SHOCK LABYRINTH 4/10
Yuya Yagira, Ai Maeda, Misako Renbutso

A group of four friends once again find themselves trapped (surprise, surprise) in the horror style funhouse that took the life of one of their number ten years earlier. Will any of them make it out alive or will the sins of the past return to destroy them one by one? To be honest, after about forty minutes in, I pretty much lost the will to live myself and wished for good old tried and trusted Sadako to climb out of the television and put me out of my misery. Seriously though, I can't stress enough how confused I was during this mish mash of Asian horror copycat frights, flashbacks, and false leads. We spend the first hour merrily trouncing backwards and forwards through time until both times actually become horribly entangled, and it is at that point you become absolutely certain that the movie must be crammed with plot holes the size of Belgium...but you just don't give a shit anymore. by the end of it my head felt like a bag of balloons. That is not how a horror film should make you feel. Terrified, tense and nervous, yes. Confused, tired and actually a little melancholic...no.

TERROR 2/5

Fish-eye lens does not equal fear.

There's a good old scattering of typical 'asian horror' jumpy moments thrown around in this picture, as we once again visit the land of the creepy little girl with long dark hair who pops up at the most inopportune moments. We can also cross off dark scary corridors that seem to go nowhere, ghosts, a blind girl who you just know is going to be involved in some terrifying shit later in the movie, inhuman and jerky body movements, flying toy rabbits (I am not shitting you) and the classic 'who is holding my hand then?' fright. These are all tried and tested scares, yet somehow I still felt more sad than scared. This film really had no clue where it was going or what it wanted to be when it was all growed up.
I'm guessing it wanted to be a cheesy music video, but I could be wrong.

GORE 0/5

At one point I decided to see if I could spot any blood at all during the remainder of the movie, and I eventually did, but don't get excited. There's one bloody hand (a tiny cut maybe?) and a few bloody faces throughout, which is not bad considering the actual deaths in this movie occurred by the little girl falling on people from a great height, not only that but she fell on different people in the exact same place. How do you defeat her? Simple, just stay away from that fucking place! Jesus, do I have to come up with everything??

This is as scary as it get's.

NUDITY 0/5

No nudity whatsoever, but considering all the flashbacks (and most of the other scenes as well) involved young children at some point...ghostly or otherwise, I am glad that this score is 0/5.

PLOT/CHARACTER 1/5

I really hope that something was lost in the translation from Japanese to English in this movie, otherwise such classic lines as 'I am sure that I will die in here at this time' followed up by the heartfelt 'If that is indeed true, then I am sure that I will also die in here too' would, or should I say should, never have existed. Thank god for shite translations, at least I got a few laughs during the movie to punctuate my bouts of sadness and confusion. Cheers guys for the emotional, yet utterly boring roller coaster ride! The actual actors seemed as confused and bored as me throughout this daliesque wet dream, and appeared to spend most of the movie staring wide eyed into the distance and slowly going mad. I totally empathised. Is there an actual plot though? I have to admit, I'm not entirely sure, and if I have to sit through it again to find out...I might kill someone. Seriously.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1414581/

The Reef F.T Movie Review

2011-12-23T08:38:00.001-08:00

THE REEF 8/10
Damien Walshe-Howling, Gyton Grantley, Adrienne Pickering, Zoe Naylor

Four friends on a boat trip find themselves stranded on their upturned yacht, after a collision with an underwater reef tears a hole in the hull and leaves them adrift, and floating further and further out to sea. They decide that the best course of action is to try and swim to an island they visited the previous day, rather than stay on the steadily sinking hull. Bad mistake, as there's a certain 14-foot man eater in the water that doesn't want them to make land...This is an excellent and tense shark horror that showers us with chills and thrills aplenty, I have to admit that the idea of watching four people swim for an hour and a half did not fill me with hope of a night well used, but damn was I pleasantly surprised! Well done Australia!

Your football team may be shite and your flora and fauna may be absolutely terrifying to the rest of the world, but you certainly know how to do a decent low budget horror!

TERROR 4/5

As I had touched on in a previous post, rarely do films set in places I'll probably never actually visit, give me a proper dose of the fear. If its in a house, or in a city, then sure it may put the shitters up me, but if it's far out at sea on the other side of the world then it may as well be on the fricken moon, and therefore shouldn't give me the fear as I can safely avoid all the dangers within. Boy was I wrong on this one! It gave me nail biting shivers on a number of occasions, mostly the underwater shots of the giant REAL LIFE (and not some shitty CGI) shark slowly stalking its hapless and defenceless victims, swimming in and out of the darkness of the deep sea and the reef jutting out of the murky depths all around them, closer to the end of the movie. Tense and terrifying throughout.Especially when they eventually sight land...

GORE 2/5

Plenty of blood in the water as the shark goes a-snacking on our shitty little swimmers, but that my friends is about as gory as it gets. This movie isn't about the gore though, not at all, it's more of a scare factory than a butcher fest, and kudos to it.

NUDITY 0/5

Unless bare ankles, wrists and faces are your thing then this isn't the nude-fest your looking for. Yes they are at sea, but they are also encased in wet suits, and up to their necks in water for about 80% of the movie, and a sex scene was definitely out of the question with a huge tiger shark circling underneath.

CHARACTER/PLOT 4/5

The plot is deceptively simple, four swimmers try and make it to an island a couple hundred kilometres away after their boat starts sinking, all the while being stalked by a giant frickin' shark. The characters are well written to such an extent that we actually care when they are sadly picked off one at a time, and the fact that there was no big name actors in this movie made the pecking order all the harder to guess, which kept things tense throughout. The whole fact that this was based on a terrifying true story makes the plot all the harder to watch, as their cruel demise at the hands (or teeth) of one of natures most perfect predators slowly unfolds on our screens.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1320291/

Hatchet 2 F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-23T08:37:00.001-08:00

HATCHET 2 6/10
Danielle Harris, Tony Todd, Kane Hodder

After the bloodbath of the first movie, our hack happy and incredibly handsome slasher killer Victor Crowley made just one mistake, letting a single survivor escape from the bloody bayou and back into civilisation. Now Marybeth is back, and this time she's brought with her a team of hunters, trackers and fishermen to once again go in search of the elusive Crowley! Its not long before our inept bunch of tooled up inbreds are splitting up into pairs (and pieces) to explore the swamps, and the whole damn bloodbath starts up again, with more crushed heads, chainsaw incidents and head sandings than you can shake a machete at! Will these idiots ever learn? Obviously not, but at least their horrific stupidity is great for our tasteless viewing pleasure, and to make matters worse, one of their own group isn't exactly batting for the home team either and has insidious plans all of his own.

TERROR 1/5

This shit's waaaayyyyy too much fun to be scary, Ridiculous...yes. Unbelievably violent, most definitely. Terrifying...not on yer life! For one, I don't live in, or near, the Louisiana swamp, so I feel totally unaffected by the glorious horror's portrayed within. Much like I am with any movies set deep in the sea (Leviathan / Deep Star Six) or in space (Aliens / Titan Find). Neither of these places are travel destinations I think I'll be visiting anytime soon so terror in either of them does nothing for me. If it was Victor Crowley butchering residents of a shitty, gray and depressing apartment block in Glasgow, then yes, I would probably be a bit more nervous when I switched off my lights and went to bed. (Although to be completely honest, if I switched off my bedroom light and there was a fucking great big sea monster in my bed I would also shit myself.)

Is this yours?

GORE 4/5

I actually don't have any analogies to fit the sheer mind-boggling amounts of blood and gore thrown at us during this movie, men are brutalised in a variety of different, and ever more brutal ways involving giant chainsaws, sanders, shotgun butts, squeezing, axing, propellers, I could go on for a while here but won't bore you with all the squidgy red details. there is, however, an interesting sex scene that you just know won't turn out well for our young star crossed lovers. Oh come on, who gets up to the old rumpy pumpy while hunting monsters in a dark, dirty swamp? Victims apparently...that's who.

NUDITY 2/5

Has the same amount of obligatory tit shots as in the first movie, mostly at the start of the film, and one of these shots even involves the girls from the original movie. All in all though, the men to woman ratio of this movie is about 7 to 1 so I'm pretty happy that there wasn't more nudity in here as the odds aren't good it'll be nakedness I'm happy to see.

Yoink!

PLOT/CHARACTER 2/5

I would love to give this movie higher marks for its in depth and intriguing plot lines and astute characterisation, but that's not why I watched it, and if I was being completely honest with both you guys and myself, it's badly let down on both these fronts. The plot line is basically 'survivor from first bout of butchery goes back into the swamp with more victims to get butchered once again'. Oh and there's also an attempt at a back story, but really it's all just window dressing for a bit of a bloodbath interspersed with some witty one liners and Lot's of chasing, screaming, poor decision making skills, and death, lots and lots of death. So if you don't mind losing all plot and character for a gore drenched assault on your senses, and have an hour and a half of your life to waste...then good times.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270835/

Black Christmas F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T12:52:00.001-08:00

Black Christmas (original) 9/10

Olivia Hussey, John Saxon, Margot Kidder

Not only one of my favourite slasher movies of all time, but also one of the original stalk-and-slash films from the golden era of the genre. A Sorority house full of hot college girls during the Christmas Holidays finds itself under siege from a brutal, hidden killer, intent on picking the girls off one at a time. Just in case you are one of the rare horror fans who still haven't watched this then I won't spoil the surprise for you, but it's a doozy...Trust me, if this movie doesn't scare you, then some of the jumpers they wear definitly will.

TERROR 6/10

Taut, claustrophobic and tense throughout, the way every good slasher should be. The P.O.V. kills and heavy breathing have been imitated often but never bettered and the frightening phone calls, softly spoken or screaming in many voices sends shivers up the spine. This movie is so good it's where John Carpenter apparently got his idea for how the original Halloween should be shot, i.e., in 'slasher killer' vision.

The new Topshop look was never going to be a hit.

GORE 0/10

None, and to be honest with you, this type of movie doesn't need any blood and guts to put the shitters right up you. It lacks nothing so doesn't need that extra 'edge' of gore that lesser horror movies often use as a crutch.

NUDITY 0/10

A sorority house full of seventies hotties and no nakedness??? Trust me, I was as disappointed as you are but again the film doesn't need ass shots or side boob to keep your attention and hold it throughout.

John Saxon makes any movie better.

CHARACTER/PLOT 8/10

Well written script, and characters you actually care about and don't really want to see die. There's no 'throw away' folk here and I especially love Margot Kidder's character, who has a mouth so dirty she would send sailors running from a bar. The only negative point is some of the jumpers these people wear. I know it's the seventies but come on, some of these bad boys are truly hideous.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0071222/

The Signal F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T12:51:00.000-08:00

The Signal 7/10

Anessa Ramsey, Justin Welborn, Scott Polythress

Made nearly six months before the Stephen King book 'The Cell' was published, and eerily similar, this low budget movie explores in very bloody detail the chaos and violence that erupts when a stray (and totally batshit evil) 'signal' emanating from all electrical devices, such as phones and televisions, pushes people to murderous uncontrolled madness and bouts of random, bloody violence. Basically, we see the complete murderisation of the fictional city of Terminus in a single night through the eyes of an ever dwindling band of survivors as they try to make their way to safety. This is a story told in three separate parts, all held together by a similar thread (a pointless love story) by three different directors. I was quite impressed with this considering that I found it in the local pound shop... How much for you ask?

Go fuck yourself, that's how much.

The newly introduced olympic games were awesome.

TERROR 3/10

I think I've become quite numbed to 'world gone crazy' movies now, and this one is pretty tame compared to some I've seen, especially if you're judging it solely on scares and shocks. The film starts off pretty fast and furious with the first story but come the second (and even the third) one, we are looking at some pretty lame black comedy that, for me anyway, tends to pull me away from the horror of it all. Enjoyable to watch and all that, but once you start laughing at a crazy dude having a stand up conversation with a decapitated head in a vice, it's not really horror, is it?

GORE 6/10

The low budget shows it up somewhat in terms of all-out quality effects, but for the gorehounds among you fear not, there's plenty of claret on offer here, it's liberally chucked around like man-muck at the Playboy Mansion pool party. Let's face it, you can't have a 'world going to fuck' movie without an assortment of sheer bloody brutality that would put the Crusades to shame. Well done Signal dudes. Well done.

Charlie Sheen's party was going swimmingly.

NUDITY 0/10

The 0/10 says it all really. A skinny moustache-wearing hick who looks like he's just came straight from the 'My Name Is Earl' set talks about pussy a lot, but we, and he, get no actual pussy. My heart goes out to him.

CHARACTER/PLOT 7/10

Damn good all round I say. There's the usual assortment of bampots and arseholes doing things you would never do, and making mistakes that you yourself would never make, but isn't that always the way with these things? What you need to remember here though, is that all of these arseholes and bampots are totally unhinged, driven that way by the signal, so maybe that's why they are making all the wrong choices? Alas my little horror buddies, that is a question above and beyond my pay grade. So I'll just grunt a bit and say, 'script not bad'.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0780607/

Trailer Park Of Terror F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T12:50:00.000-08:00

Trailer Park of Terror 5/10
Nichole Hiltz, Trace Adkins, Priscilla Barnes

A beautiful piece of all American trailer trash goes on a bloody rampage of revenge, after the good ol' boys at the trailer park brutally kill her boyfriend and ruin her dreams of a normal life. After she does a runner, she meets the devil on a deserted stretch of highway who gives her a shotgun that appears to never need reloaded (magic or just lazy script writing? Who knows). He not only gives her demonic powers but also burdens her with a burning hatred for humans... All humans! Based on the cult horror comic book from Imperium comics.

TERROR 2/5

Plenty of shocks, but they all seem a bit forced and it's standard, by the numbers, slasher movie scares. This is more tongue in cheek mayhem rather than out-and-out horror territory. A van full of troubled teenagers get it on in the craziest of places (an old abandoned trailer park in the middle of a storm? Yay! Let's fuck!), chatty zombies go on the rampage, slutty monsters get their groove on and musical zombies play rock guitar on a trailer roof, all overshadowed by lashings of brutal slayings. It's that type of movie. Seriously.

You have a little something on your...nah, forget it.

GORE 4/5

What it lacks in scares, it makes up for in a staggering amount of blood n' guts chucked at us throughout. Heads roll, bodies explode, people are cooked and eaten (after being marinaded no less, 'cos you can't eat a human without the right sauce now, can you?), folk are crushed, and all manner of nasties are visited on our hapless angst riddled teens. Next time just stay in the bus until help comes, because if somewhere looks uninviting and haunted, it's because it probably is.

NUDITY 0/5

Suggestive as shit every step of the way, but no actual nudity. Seriously though, nude zombies?? Really?? You are one sick, sick bastard. To think I was gonna ask you to babysit my zombie kid for me too.

Man, Girl's Aloud have really let themselves go...

CHARACTERS/PLOT 3/5

The real stars of the show are the undead rednecks, who not only have all the best lines but also the best characters throughout. The teenagers involved are slasher film cliches each and every one ('teenagers' is a loose term if I ever heard one, some of these bastards are well into their late twenties) and appear to be there just to be murderised in a variety of nasty ways for the viewer's titillation. Which is actually a rather frightening reflection on our society as a whole... Anyway, I should really go now, those kids in my park aren't going to kill themselves you know.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0892109/

Surviving Evil F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T12:04:00.000-08:00

Surviving Evil 5/10
Billy Zane, Natalie Mendoza, Christina Cole

Billy Zane plays a 'Bear Grylls' type character, whose team are stalked through a Philippines jungle by shape shifting, flesh eating monsters, while shooting an episode of his hit survival show. If Bear Grylls was ever up against this kind of shit on his little 'adventures' then I would definitely watch his programmes. He may have had a tube up his arse on a raft once but he never fought off a pack of vicious, blood drinking, hideous looking bastards that can fly and leap to the tops of huge trees like ugly as shit, deranged supermen. Give me the home made colonic any day.

Really though, give me it. I want it.

TERROR 1/5

The new L'Oreal advert was a bit shit.

If you lived in a tiny village, in a forest, in the Philippines, (without clothes) then you would probably be scared shitless watching this movie. Then again, if you ticked 'yes' to all of the above then you won't have seen this movie anyway because you likely don't have access to a DVD player or a LoveFilm account. If however, like me, you ticked 'no' to all of the above (maybe apart from the 'without clothes' bit) then you have nothing to worry about. You're safe tucked up in your nice, warm home. It's like being scared of JAWS when you're never at sea or being afraid of the car in Christine when you live six stories up in a block of flats. Just stop being a whiny frightened little bitch will you? Thanks.

GORE 3/5

I added an extra point here just for the dead mutated baby that falls from the tree. I mean come on, that shit isn't mainstream and if it is, you're watching the wrong fucking movies buddy. Apart from that, there's plenty of blood and a few blink and you'll miss them shots of monsters gobbling folks up while they bitch about it as loudly as possible. Three points out of five isn't bad but let's face it, it's just like getting 'good but could do better' on your school report card. That's right, it's just a polite way of saying that you're totally shit. Take away that dead, mutated, and blood soaked tree baby and you're only left with two out of five, which is like Little House on the Prairie.

NUDITY 1/5

A few semi-naked tribes people at the start so if that's your bag, then bazinga! Apart from that, all we have is some chicks in bikinis which I can get from watching television before the watershed.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!

PLOT/CHARACTERS 3/5

Actually not too bad. Okay, the acting isn't up to much but I have seen far, far worse for a low budget film. Considering Billy Zane is the main selling point of this horror it was up against it from the start. The character development is decent enough throughout, not too rushed and they don't just run away, flailing arms and screaming, when they are attacked by a pack of ugly-as-fuck monsters. They actually tool up with knives and pointy sticks n' shit and fight back. Albeit briefly, but they do give it a go which is always worth an extra point in my book. Without that extra point it's only two out of five though, and that's just little House on the Prairie all over again.

I fucking hate Little House on the Prairie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804539/

The Ward F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T11:27:00.000-08:00

The Ward 6/10
Amber Heard, Mamie Gummer, Jared Harris, Danielle Panabaker

I was initially excited to hear that John Carpenter had another horror coming out, a kind of Slasher/Supernatural movie set in a mental asylum back in 1950's America. How excited you ask? Well I pissed myself, right in front of my other half...are you happy now? Unfortunately the excitement (and pissing) was short lived and was instead replaced with a kind of 'hmmm' feeling. Although the film is certainly entertaining, it sadly lacks any originality and even the shock 'twist' ending has not only been borrowed heavily from another of my favourite horrors, but you can also see it coming a mile off. The horror movie in question shall, for the moment, remain nameless so I don't spoil either of them for you!

(It's actually Tremors, but ssshhhhhh, don't tell anybody.)

TERROR 2/5

Some pretty standard horror movie 'stuff jumping out at folk' shocks to frighten the girlfriend but if you're seriously manly like myself then you won't bat an eyelid. How manly you're wondering? I can open beer bottles with my eyelids and one-inch-punch planets.

Apparently only cute girls went mad in 1950's America.

GORE 3/5

A pretty nasty eye/needle scene shot in glorious slow motion is very reminiscent of THAT scene from Zombie Flesh eaters, you know the one. The one with the wooden splinter and the eye for Godsake...yes...yes that one. Jesus, try and keep up.

NUDITY 1/5

Apparently in fifties America, only attractive young woman were found in mental hospitals, strange that. Anyway, nudity is at an absolute minimum here and the single, lonely point I gave above is for a quick assortment of side-boob in the shower scene. The very words 'Shower scene' sound much better than it actually is. Sorry.

Hey you!! Stop sitting! Or we'll arrest the shit out of you!

PLOT/CHARACTERS 3/5

A well written script and decent enough Characters from one of the masters of the horror movie genre, He's lost his originality somewhat but he still knows how to write a decent story and get the best from his cast.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1369706/

Paintball F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T08:26:00.000-08:00

Paintball 2/10
(It doesn't really matter who is in it, I can guarantee you won't know any of them.)

Paintball? fucking 'Painball' more like, and I don't mean that in the good way, I mean it in the 'ruined over an hour of my life that I'll never get back' way. I mean come on, who funds these awful movies, the local pound shop?? A decent enough story about a maniac stalking a group of paintballers in the woods is let down (badly) by terrible acting, a terrible script and a disastrously disappointing ending. In fact the only remarkable thing here was that I managed to sit through the whole movie without angrily wrenching my own angry eyes from my head and throwing them at the television in disgust.

TERROR 1/5

There's lots of fucking idiots running around looking like they're scared but that's about it fear-wise. They only thing more terrifying than the acting is how absolutely stupid this ensemble of fucktards can actually be. They basically spend more time killing each other than they do running from the bad guy, and if your big heavy gun only shoots paint, then why the fuck continue to lug it around when you're being chased by a psycho with a gun that shoots real bullets? My god man, drop that fucker and RUN! But they could them as clubs, my girlfriend suggests, yes I'm sure they can, but there's plenty of better clubs lying around, you're in a forest for fucksake, the trees are made of clubs! (kind of...)

Stop whining, the movie is nearly over.

GORE 2/5

There's plenty of bloodletting but due to the fact that the killer wears some kind of heat sensory goggles and we see all the kills from his P.O.V. (murder-o-vision), it means that the blood isn't red, it's glowing green. Which kind of makes it look shit and out of context, unless your murderising aliens.

NUDITY 0/5

None, nada, zilch, fuck all.

PLOT/CHARACTERS 1/5

I'm not even gonna waste my time writing anything here, well, except for this bit about not wanting to waste my time writing anything here....damn.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1205071/

The Tripper F.T. Movie Review

2011-12-22T08:14:00.000-08:00

The Tripper 6/10
Luke Haas, David Arquette, Balthazar Getty, Jason Mewes, Thomas Jane, Jaime King, Courtney Cox

With the extra-cool cast listing above you would be forgiven for thinking that your movie night was about to become motherfucking awesome, but sadly you would be mistaken. You are however about to learn an important lesson, which is that a great cast does not always equal a great movie. As far as slasher movies go it's pretty good, with plenty of gore, teenagers, drugs, nakedness and action. Where this movie falls short though is that it aspires to be so much more than just a humble Friday night stalk and slash and in that respect it's a big fat fail. This was David Arquette's first foray into writing and directing his own horror movie, and since 2005/6 he hasn't done another. That's pretty telling in itself.

TERROR 1/5

More fun than fear, (think Care Bears on PCP) with not a decent scare in sight. Unless of course you're scared of an old American President brandishing an axe. I don't know about you, but killers in movies that I can probably take down in a fist fight myself don't really do it for me. The killer here is initially as dumb as a box of hair so putting on a mask should not suddenly make him significantly smarter, I don't care how fucking crazy he is!

Yup, that shit's gonna sting later.

NUDITY    3/5

Boobs-a-plenty on display at this hippy party, and that's a go for pretty much the entire movie. There's also a naked, skinny, ginger haired guy with his tiny ginger-shrouded member dangling out out for the ladies! (Something for everyone, see? Sometimes the movie makers do think of the ladies.)

GORE   3/5

Blood by the bucketful, limbs lopped off left, right and gore drenched centre, a drug-filled massacre scene, some disemboweling, some vicious dog attacks and a man covered from head to toe in human feces...who then gets chainsawed. Marvellous.

SCRIPT/CHARACTERS   2/5

Pretty much the usual ensemble of suitably shallow characters (think the jock, the intelligent one, the slut, etc) and weak 'one-liner gag' filled script we are used to with this type of Friday night slasher movie. Not especially bad, but not especially good either considering the cast. If this was a school exam then The Tripper would have gotten a B+ Should have done better.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0760187/

The Devil's Chair F.T. Review

2011-12-22T07:38:00.000-08:00

The Devil's Chair 4/10
Andrew Howard, Elize Du Toit, Matt Berry

A small group of Psychologists foolishly agree to escort a mental patient back to a creepy, decaying asylum to investigate the strange death and disappearance of his girlfriend some years earlier. He says a demonic chair killed her, they (and rightfully so) think he probably killed her as let's face it, chairs very rarely kill folk, no matter how uncomfortable they are to sit in. Either way the whole plan seems ludicrous to me and is destined to bloody failure. Quite right too, not one of these idiots actually deserves to live to be completly honest with you.

Fully clothed throughout.

TERROR 2/5

There's absolutely piss-all to be scared of here, well, maybe some of the acting is terrifying, but that's about it. The demon is pretty laughable as well but that's what you get with low budget British horrors I guess, a sheep skull with plastic tentacles wearing a huge bin bag is as technical as it gets.
Follows the tried and tested 'if in doubt, throw lots of blood everywhere' method of horror writing.

NUDITY 1/5

An ex Hollyoaks girl stars in this, and there's not an exposed breast in sight! This has to be one of the most disappointing uses of Elize Du Toit ever. (apart from her being in Hollyoaks itself, which is absolute mind-rot).

GORE 3/5

Lashings of blood and gore in this one so there is at least one minor plus point to be had. There's slimy demonic phones, demented demonic torture chairs, giant bin-bag wearing slimy demons and some good old fashioned hatchet deaths thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately most of the red stuff is packed into the final 20minute finale though, so you'll have to stick with it until then for the big pay-off.

You've got a little something on your chin there...

PLOT/CHARACTERS 2/5

By the half-way point these idiots annoyed me so much I wanted to murderise them all myself. Without spoiling it for you, the lame, hammy acting is explained somewhat later on, but for me it doesn't really make up for wasting the preceding hour of my life. On a final note, if you are going to have someone doing a husky, menacing voice-over all the way through a film, make sure he isn't a mumbler.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0837791/

Dead Silence Movie Review

2011-12-13T03:51:00.000-08:00

DEAD SILENCE 6/10
Ryan Kwanten, Donnie Wahlberg, Amber Valleta

Dead silence is a good old-fashioned supernatural slasher movie from the director of SAW and Insidious, starring a creepy-ass old hag who like to tear peoples mouths off, and a creepy ass Ventriloquist doll who likes to grass in your whereabouts to said creepy-ass old hag (for the mouth tearing). Donnie Wahlberg is a cop on the edge who spends his time harassing the hero of the picture (Sookie's brother from True Blood) whom he believes has murdered his own loving wife in as gruesome a fashion as possible. The hero says someone else done the vile deed while he was out getting coffee or some shit, and that an old wooden ventriloquist doll delivered to his house, just before he left, must have something to do with the brutal death. The cops unsurprisingly disagree and tail him after he leaves the city to follow the address on the back of the wooden doll all the way back to his old home town. It's here that things take a turn for the worse, as the bodies begin to stack up left right and centre and the towns brutal and secretive past starts to resurface, a past of murder, missing children, mysterious deaths, and ghost stories involving the tortured soul of Mary Shaw.

Just remember that if you don't scream...she won't hear you and therefore won't rip your frickin' face off...and I'm pretty sure farting is out of the question too. (She may then be forced to rip your arsehole off, If we're sticking to the rules.)

TERROR 3/5

What did you just call me you little clown bastard?

Let's face it, this is one of those teen slasher movies with a 15 certificate so you can't go into it expecting too much, but be ready to be pleasantly surprised as there's actually some decent scares in here. A movie with a ghostly woman who likes to burst out of dolls with wanton abandon and tear your face off has to have some jumps though, I mean come on...Dolls frighten me on their own, and even if they aren't trying to murderise me I damn well know they're thinking about it. I'm especially talking about those creepy little bastards with the porcelain faces that your granny has on her bedroom shelf, you know the ones I'm talking about. Porcelain faced little pricks the lot of them.

GORE 1/5

For a movie with that has most of it's deaths pretty much centred around good old fashioned 'face ripping' there's very little blood n' gore in this one, but again, check out the 15 rating and don't be surprised.

NUDITY 0/5

There's none, but hello? 15 rating?
Jesus H. Christ, do I have to go over this every time?

Someone really needed to switch skin creams.

CHARACTERS / PLOT 3/5

From the same guy who brought us the original SAW movie as well as the surprisingly well written and frightening (until the end that is...) Insidious, It's no surprise that we get a tight and well written script, and also characters who actually act like real people and not simple movie caricatures. A well deserved three points here, and it would be four if it wasn't for the whole 'cop on the edge' guy that Donnie Whalberg plays. Is there no kind hearted, mild mannered or well spoken cops left in America? No wonder It's a shithole.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0455760/

Five Across The Eyes Review

2011-12-11T10:16:00.001-08:00

FIVE ACROSS THE EYES 0/5
(Usually I put the actor's names in here, but there was no acting in this movie)

Here it is ladies and gentlemen, my first ever ZERO rating for any movie I've watched, and trust me, in my time of reviewing horror movies I have watched some serious shit in my time. This horrible waste of a DVD case is at the very bottom of that particular barrel...in fact it's not even inside the bad barrel, its a little bit of mould on the outside of the barrel that's slowly rotting away at the bit of wood it's gained purchase to. So it's basically a dirty, mouldy little bastard of a movie.
Five young girls (and I use that term very loosely) are driving across an area called 'the eyes' on their way back home from a high school football game, when they have an unexpected fender bender with another car at a gas station, and end up taking out one of the other vehicle's headlights in the process. They quickly drive off rather than hang about and risk an altercation with the other driver, but soon find themselves hopelessly lost on the dark back roads. Suddenly they realise they are not alone as another car, the one with a busted headlight, starts to terrorise them on the deserted stretch of road.
In a night of horror, five girls will lose their innocence...and maybe their lives, as the driver of the other car launches one brutal assault after another on our hapless sports fans. Trust me , that sounds waaayyyy better than it actually is. What it actually is, is five girls crying and screaming and generally making one bad choice after another...for an hour an thirty minutes.
It actually made me want to kick in my own television screen in a fit of unbridled rage. Seriously.

TERROR 0/5

When you hear classic lines such as 'If she gets you, she'll kill you...and if she kills you, you're dead!' You know you're in for a rough time. My cat farted the other night and I got more of a fright then, than I did at any point during this waste of time. The 'psycho' looks like a librarian, and I don't care how fucking crazy someone is, if you shit in your hand and throw it at their car (I shit you not this is what they do...no pun intended) you are only going to make them crazier.

This is as exciting as the movie gets.

NUDITY 0/5

See? There was a slight chance at redemption here, maybe scrape a cheeky wee point with a little side boob. You have five girls in a car, and no budget, and there's still absolutely no nudity??? You make me sick.(er)

GORE 0/5

Splashing a little blood around does not count as gore, at one point one girl was meant to have had some teeth removed in a torture scene that is hinted at, but never seen (as most of them are), so they splash a little blood around her mouth to show this. Then throughout the movie she talks and shouts and we can quite clearly see that she has a full row or pearly whites, with no damage at all! I know the movie apparently had a mere four grand budget, but a little bit of black pen on the odd tooth would've done the job, especially because we can't see shit through the grainy footage anyway. At least try to make your movie look real. I'm actually still trying to work out what the four grand was spent on here...petrol maybe? Stupidity? Crack?
I'm at a complete loss.

It's pretty much this shit for 96 minutes

CHARACTERS / PLOT 0/5

Don't get me fucking started. The plot has been done a million times before and by god a million of those times have probably been done better. This film should really have been called 'five screaming arseholes in a family car' and there was so many things that actually upset me while I was watching it, that I'm going to go into a few points here;

1. Just how many shotgun shells does that crazy bitch actually have? She's wearing a pant-suit for Christ sake, there's nowhere to hide that many shells in a pant-suit!

2. If you have an obvious opportunity to fight back, then do it! Don't just sit there and scream while the crazy woman babbles incoherently and reloads, and if you have an awesome weapon handy, such as, say, a crowbar, then don't just throw it 'girly' style at her, run up and hit her with the fucking thing!!

3. If you're driving a 4000lb weapon...then use it! They wasted plenty of opportunity for some serious car on woman violence here.

4. If your making a horror movie, don't put some crazy, dancy, upbeat pile of shit tune that you've quite clearly just battered out on your old Casio keyboard over the starting credits. It's not big and it's certainly not clever.

I have to say that the credits on the front of the DVD from slasherpool.com and dreadcentral.com are very misleading. Either the entire 4000bucks budget was used to bribe the critics, or somebody, somewhere, is giving out a lot of blowjobs.