FEAR THEATRE

Shark Night Fear Theatre Movie Spotlight

2013-02-02T11:41:00.000-08:00

Shark Night
Sara Paxton, Dustin Milligan, Chris Carmack

90mins Cert 15

Duh-duh...duh-duh...duh-duh...

The Official Line

When 7 college friends pack their swim suits for a weekend of fun-in-the-sun activities at their friend Sara's lake house, they think it will be the perfect vacation. But the tables immediately turn when the lead football star, Malik, gets his arm ripped off during a water skiing accident. While the friends are to believe his wound was a freak accident, they soon come to discover that there was a primal attack involving a shark. Now while they think that one shark is no problem, they soon come to the realization that 15 species of sharks are lurking in the water, and with no form of boat or transportation, and no signals for phone's, the group of seven now face a fate they would never imagine. Being fed to these sharks by crooks for real life footage on an Internet website.

You shouldn't need to spice up a shark movie with an underwater fight...

What We Thought

We thought; "Sharks!, lots of different species of sharks, stalking and killing unsuspecting teenagers...that has to be a good movie, surely?"

Well actually, no. Don't get me wrong, it's not a terrible movie per se, but you shouldn't really be able to make a movie jam-packed with 15 species of killer shark and partying teenagers and still have it being pretty damn boring overall. This movie suffers from a few flaws ranging from non exciting kills, a pretty dull script, a story-line that seems to take liberties with reality (especially where the sharks are concerned), and plot twists so easily sign posted you can see the dam things coming a mile off, unlike the sharks gliding below the surface of the glassy lake. So overall it's not a bad movie, but it's not a good movie either and as I sat watching it I couldn't help but think how much better it could have been. Have a watch yourself, if anything, it's a decent waste of an hour and a half of an otherwise boring night.

Terror 1/5

Gore 2/5

Nudity 1/5

Story / Plot 3/5

Enjoyment 2/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 09/25

Official IMDB Rating 3.9/10

Galaxy Of Terror - Fear Theatre Movie Spotlight

2013-01-31T11:25:00.000-08:00

Galaxy Of Terror
Edward Albert, Erin Moran, Ray Walston

81mins Cert 18

This is your brain on Galaxy Of Terror.

The Official Line

SciFi suspense thriller in which a rescue space ship crew meets up with horrors projected by their own imaginations, will any of them survive The Galaxy Of Terror, or will they end up with the same gory fate as the crew of the doomed ship they were sent to rescue?

The hook...

What We Thought

What did I think of this classic 1981 Creature Feature from Legendary monster-feature writing machine Roger Corman? Not much to be honest. I came into this with eyes wide open and a heart full of hope too, as I had first seen it many moons ago when I was a kid and remembered it to be, in a word, ‘awesome’. My twelve year old tastes however, must differ wildly from my thirty three year old tastes as this movie was pretty shit overall and lacking any real horror punch. Poor script, poor acting, poor effects, and a rather weird laser show of an ending almost akin to the dismal finale of The Keep-(stick to the book folks), as in it was ridiculous. This really is a dying shame too, as on paper the cast looks like the perfect foil for any classic B-movie horror fodder. Was it ‘so bad it’s good’ though? Maybe a little, but even then I’m swinging more to the ‘so bad it’s just plain bad’ view point. If a movie needs simulated ‘worm rape’ as a hook (no worm-pun intended there) to get you to sit up and take notice, then it’s doing it wrong. Why the hell it got a 4.9 rating on IMDB is beyond me, but you can watch the full movie below on YouTube.

Terror 1/5

Gore 3/5

Nudity 3/5

Story / Plot 1/5

Enjoyment 1/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 9/25

Official IMDB Rating 4.9/10

The Beast Must Die - Fear Theatre Spotlight Article

2012-12-04T06:48:00.000-08:00

The Beast Must Die
Calvin Lockhart, Peter Cushing and Marlene Clark

93mins Cert 15

'The Beast' looks like a big family pet...

The Official Line

A variety of guests assemble at the lodge of big game hunter Tom Newcliffe (Calvin Lockhart), each of them in some way possessing a past involvement with cannibalism or murder. Newcliffe informs them that he is aware of their dark secrets, and reveals his purpose in inviting them all together: one of his guests is a werewolf, and he wishes to hunt him down.

Quick! You have 30 seconds to work out whether you care!

What We Thought

To be completely honest we didn't really think much of this 'classic werewolf horror' at all. Bad points for me would have to be the dragging and often confusing plotline, poor acting, terrible script, and a werewolf that looks like a big happy family pet and spends most of it's time running away from things. There's scarier looking dogs on my own street for Christ sake! There's also a laughable, and pointless wee section in which the movie actually stops for 30 seconds and switches over to a countdown style timer. This gives us time to try and work out (from the apparent 'clues' throughout the film) who the actual werewolf in our assembled cast is. By that point I had lost interest though, and instead opted to use the 30 second interlude to make myself another coffee. It could have been all of them or fucking none of them for all I cared, which is a shame really, as the general premise of the story is a good one, I mean who doesn't want to see a shaft-esque, tooled up to the eyeballs 'super hunter' VS a vicious werewolf on a sprawling country estate? That sounds fucking awesome! All in all this could have been so much better, and it doesn't even make it onto my 'so bad it's actually quite good' list, which is really saying something.

Terror 1/5

Gore 2/5

Nudity 0/5

Story / Plot 3/5

Enjoyment 2/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 8/25

Official IMDB Rating 5.7/10

V/H/S/ Fear Theatre Horror Movie Spotlight

2012-11-15T10:52:00.001-08:00

V/H/S/
Calvin Reeder, Lane Hughes and Adam Wingard

116mins Cert 18

My, what big teeth you have...

The Official Line

When a group of misfits is hired by an unknown third party to burglarize a desolate house and acquire a rare VHS tape, they discover more found footage than they bargained for.

Man, that is some clean towels.

What We Thought

Good old found-footage horror get's thrown together with the 'Creepshow' style crazy anthology format to make the chilling, though downright strange gorefest that is V/H/S/. I'm a big fan of the found footage horror genre, especially when it's done right. They should be chilling, believable, and most importantly enjoyable...and I personally think that this movie does all those things and more! The best story of the lot for me is the first one of the bunch, and I don't mean the piss poor wrap-around story that just seems tacked on as an after-thought and doesn't really explain anything on it's own, I mean the tale of the sex-seeking guys and the hot dates they bag after a trip to the local club. The Innocent words 'I like you' have never sounded so chilling. The worst of the bunch in my opinion has to be the second last story, set via webcam. It's creepy at points but the pay-off is very weak and just seems overall rushed and ill-thought out. Four of us watched this movie and I got the distinct feeling that half of us loved it, and half of us hated it, it's really that type of film! Main bad points would have to be the over-done 'videotape effects'. Yes we know it's fucking videotape, you don't have to keep crackling up the screen and degrading to white noise and snow every few minutes to emphasis the point. Also, if boobs aren't your bag, then you probably won't like the fact that there are more boobs on display in here than there is in a handful of slasher movies. I like boobs though, so I wasn't bothered by this, the girls in the company thought otherwise...

All in all a great little movie, gory as hell, creepy as hell, and weird as hell...what more do you need for a Friday night horror?

Terror 3/5

Gore 4/5

Nudity 4/5

Story / Plot 3/5

Enjoyment 4/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 18/25

Official IMDB Rating 5.9/10

Alone in The Dark FT Movie Review

2012-10-16T08:30:00.001-07:00

Alone In The Dark
Christian Slater, Tara Reid and Stephen Dorff

96mins Cert 18

Looks Good, right? INCORRECT!

The Official Line

Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels a mysterious events with deadly results.

A taste of the 'blink and you'll miss it gore!

What We Thought

There is a lot of words I could use here to describe this painful, slow, lingering death of a movie...but I feel that mere words alone could never adequately explain this films lack of creativity, imagination, acting ability, plot-line and inclusion of Tara Reid. Apart from the fact that both Stephen Dorf and Christian Slater seem like they are trying their best to just get on with things throughout the films entire running time, the very addition of Rom-Com favourite Tara Reid in a horror/action film is a terrible idea, and her heaving bosoms seem to have more of a presence in the film than she does. There is plenty of blood and gore, but it's really used in blink and you'll miss it sequences. There's also plenty of action and gunplay, but it's of the 'bad Steven Seagal movie' variety...even the soundtrack is shite...see what you've made me done Mr. Boll?? Now you've made me swear! Anyway, if you loved House of the dead, and House of the dead 2 then you'll probably enjoy this movie, but then again you are probably way too young to be watching 18 Cert. movies anyway, especially when you have school in the morning. There are worse ways to spend an hour and a half of your life ( like playing bridge with your nan, or garden bowls perhaps?), but if you're drunk though, and it's the only 'monster movie' on Netflix that you haven't seen, and you don't have garden bowls and your Grandma passed away years ago then go ahead. Watch it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

Terror 1/5

Gore 2/5

Nudity 1/5

Story / Plot 2/5

Enjoyment 2/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 8/25

Official IMDB Rating 2.3/10

Silent House - Fear Theatre Movie Spotlight

2012-10-10T09:27:00.002-07:00

Silent House
Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese and Eric Sheffer Stevens

86mins Cert 15

Yep, those wisdom teeth will need to come out I'm afraid...

The Official Line

Trapped inside her family's lakeside retreat, a young woman finds she is unable to contact the outside world as events become increasingly ominous in and around the house.

Ah, I see you read some of the critics reviews then...

What We Thought

Shot to look like one continuous real-time take, this well made and carefully crafted chiller is a decent enough film to while away a dark and stormy night with. This movie is actually a remake of a 2010 low budget Uruguayan movie (because Hollywood has apparently run out of decent horror ideas of it's own) and was Directed by the same people who brought us the sharkalicious Open Water. If we ignore the fact that one of these movies is set at sea, and the other in a seemingly giant house in the arse end of nowhere, then you can actually see the comparisons in the two movies. The feelings of both desolation and desperation are very similar in both films, and the realism used in both the dialogue and the characters themselves (boring chit chat, disdain, thinly disguised hostility) lends another bleak aspect to the whole proceedings I wouldn't say that it's an out and out horror movie though, and if that's what you're after then you will probably feel a bit cheated. This is more of a psychological thriller in my opinion and should have been marketed as such, but it certainly has a few jumpy moments scattered throughout its hour and a half running time and the tension is cranked up to eleven throughout. A few critics gave this film a mauling on it's release, I say fuck 'em. Check it out for yourself!

Terror 4/5

Gore 1/5

Nudity 0/5

Story / Plot 4/5

Enjoyment 3/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 12/25

Official IMDB Rating 5.1/10

The Horde - Fear Theatre Movie Spotlight

2012-09-22T07:56:00.000-07:00

The Horde

Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins and Eriq Ebouaney
90mins Cert 18

erm, i'll take door number two instead please.

The Official Line

A posse of crooked cops, malevolent gangsters and a horde of walking dead are the centre point of this gruesome, tight, action packed, claustrophobic tale of retribution and escape. Penned like animals, on the top floor of a deserted high-rise block, these two opposing gangs find that they are not alone in the lair of bloodthirsty corridors of death. Joining forces to survive, they must reach ground level together or perish. Loaded with a bad ass attitude, guns, axes and extremely creative hand-to-hand combat sequences that project the fears and paranoia that are the fighting forces behind the need to survive, when caught up in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I frickin' love this part!

What We Thought

Vicious gangsters VS vengeful cops VS zombie hordes...what the hell is there not to love about that combo?? This is probably the type of gut munching, fist fighting, bullet storm that would be created if Tarantino ever decided to make an out and out zombie movie, and in my opinion it's a must see for lovers of foreign zombie-horrors and action splatterfests. I have a bit of a love affliction with French and Italian horror movies of late, following up from my recent love affair with Asian cinema (I move on easily, especially when Asian Cinema broke my heart with the absolute pile of steaming shite prequel that was Ring 0) and Spanish horrors. for the past few years though the French seem to be raising the standard of horror yet again and this high octane and extremely brutal living-dead slugfest is no different. A small unit of elite cops plan a daring attack on a local drug dealer at his highly protected, though dilapidated block of flats to avenge the murder of one of their own 'family'. Once inside though things take an unfortunate turn and the gangsters quickly gain the upper hand in bloody fashion. Outmanned and outgunned, our small band of cops are staring death in the face...but death seems to have other ideas! Within minutes both sides suddenly find themselves battling re-animated, and extremely strong corpses with a taste for human flesh. Outside the flats it's obvious that the world has went to hell, and inside the tiny, claustrophobic confines of the corridors and stairways, our ever dwindling group has to gun fight, fist fight and knife fight through one blood drenched, zombie filled floor after another as they try to find a way out. A way out that doesn't involve wading through the thousands of zombies outside, that desperately want to get inside. In a word...awesome.

Terror 3/5

Gore 4/5

Nudity 1/5

Story / Plot 5/5

Enjoyment 5/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 18/25

Official IMDB Rating 5.9/10

Nine Miles Down Fear Theatre Movie Review

2012-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

Nine Miles Down
Adrian Paul, Amanda Douge and Anthony Waller

86mins Cert 15

Admit it, this picture alone makes you want to watch it.

The Official Line

In the Sahara desert, a sandstorm batters a deserted drilling station. Thomas "Jack" Jackman, a security patrolman, battles through the high winds and raging sands to find out why all contact with the station has been lost. Originally built for gas exploration, and then abandoned, the site had recently been taken over by a multi-national research team intent on drilling deeper into the earth's crust than ever before. When he arrives however, the station appears to be abandoned, and all is not as it appears to be.

This girl though? Not so hot.

What We Thought

A nicely crafted and taut little chiller that had apparently been shelved for years before it's eventual release, from 2001 at least. Since then it had went through a number of personnel changes and re-writes, losing both original director John Carpenter (shame), Rhada Mitchell and Olivier Martinez (also a shame) and apparently, even Val Kilmer (not such a shame.). It even changed location, switching from the Australian Outback (dusty, deserted) to the Sahara desert (dusty, deserted), all changes which do make you wonder what kind of film this could have been, to what kind of film it finally became. I won't dwell on losing Carpenter at the helm too much though as like I said earlier, this is a great little psychological chiller, with some nice gore, a few jumps, a little nudity (if yer that way inclined!) and some pretty creepy scenes littering the movie from early on. You do have to stay with it though, because if I'm being honest it was a little slow in places, and also a little confusing, especially when the lines between reality and illusion start to blur more and more for our protagonist. Then again, maybe I shouldn't have had a 'few beers' while watching it...that's always a mistake when concentration is required. Lesson learned.

Terror 2/5

Gore 3/5

Nudity 3/5

Story / Plot 4/5

Enjoyment 4/5

Overall Fear Theatre Points 16/25

Official IMDB Rating 5.6/10

The Gravedancers F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-27T12:39:00.000-07:00

THE GRAVEDANCERS 7/10
Dominic Purcell, Clare Kramer and Josie Maran

After a night of drunken exploits, Allison, Harris, and Kira are chased and terrorized by the ghosts of a child pyromaniac, an ax murderer, and a rapist.

After reading aloud a poem left on their friends grave, a poem that rather craftily doubles up as an evil curse to raise a bunch of mean-ass ghosts, three drunken friends find themselves terrorised by a trio of extremely angry, and extremely evil spirits who object to being danced upon in such a frivolous manner. No wonder they are angry though, have you seen Dominic Purcell dance? I would be pissed off too. Maybe not enough to terrorise and kill anyone but certainly enough to fire off a few angry letters. I would suggest that a movie about spirits writing angry letters might not have been a box officer smash.

Hey Baby, lookin' good.

TERROR 3/5

An old-school style shit jumping out at you when you least expect it to horror with some nice, although possibly a little bit cliched now, scares and shocks. Not really big on holding you gripped with tension though and there is a spell in the first half of the movie where it doesn't seem to be going anywhere at all on the scare front. Stick with it though as it escalates quite nicely in the latter part of the movie when the spirits realise that their 'terror time' is running short and the ramp up the violence. Nice touch on the 'spirits' creepy ass faces as well, me likey.

GORE 2/5

Plenty of bloodshed throughout which gives it the two points here but as for actual gore, there's not a whole bunch of it. Please don't let that put you off this nicely crafted and often creepy, supernatural horror though and it doesn't need lashings of gore as some movies do to hold your attention.

The Jones' barbecues always went down well with the neighbors.

NUDITY 0/5

A big fat zero points.

CHARACTER/PLOT 3/5

Even Dominic Purcell lumbering about the place muttering incoherent whispers under his breath, fails to spoil this for me, and I found both the actors and the characters they portrayed, and the plot itself, really good throughout the movie. It all goes a bit 'Star Wars' at the end though in the same way that The Keep did, and even though you are willingly watching a movie about vengeful spirits with murderous tendencies you will still feel they are stretching believability just a tad, especially when you are witness to a chase scene involving an expensive car and a giant murderous ghost-face, enough said really.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0435653/

Pandorum F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-24T10:53:00.000-07:00

PANDORUM 3/10
Dennis Quaid, Ben Foster and Cam Gigandet

Two astronauts awaken in a hyper-sleep chamber aboard a seemingly abandoned spacecraft. It's pitch black, they are disoriented, and the only sound is a low rumble and creak from the belly of the ship. They can't remember anything: Who are they? What is their mission? With Lt. Payton staying behind to guide him via radio transmitter, Cpl. Bower ventures deep into the ship and begins to uncover a terrifying reality. Slowly the spacecraft's shocking, deadly secrets are revealed...and the astronauts find their own survival is more important than they could ever have imagined.

As disjointed and unbelieving as it seems, that IMDB blurb above pretty much sums this movie up. You could also say that it's the bastard science fiction baby of Alien, The Descent and Event Horizon...you could say that, but it's best not too. Some people might get upset.

TERROR 1/5

As I may have stated before on this blog somewhere already, horror movies set in space, in the jungle, under the sea e.t.c., e.t.c., may have jumpy surprises and some popcorn-all-over-the-seat shock value to them, but they never actually scare me per say. I would not be reaching to say that I will probably never find myself in deep space, under the ocean, or in a thick jungle in a far off country any time in my near future, so I find I have nothing really to fear from such horrific situations. Horror movies set in shitty, cramped council apartments, now those fucking terrify me.

I've had jobbies like this.

GORE 2/5

Some cannibalism (although if they are more advanced versions of us, is it still cannibalism? I actually don't know.) and a pit of stinky human remains to swim about in a la Descent, grab a couple of points on the gore meter. Plenty of blood squirting around to keep your average horror fan happy I guess so a well deserving 2 points. A face eating would have bagged a 3 though...so a wasted opportunity there. Just saying.

NUDITY 1/5

You get a point for nude Aliens. I do realise that nude flesh eating aliens are not everyone's cup of tea but hey, we struggle for points on this nudity scale a lot of the time so I have to reach out for whatever is available. If however, you find that you can indeed knock one out to this movie, then we will probably never be friends.

Kathy...is that you?

CHARACTER/PLOT 2/5

Well developed characters portrayed by people I like and care about, what's not to like? Dennis Quaid appears to be perfectly cast for the part of Payton, and the always good Ben Foster does a great turn as the often terrified and somewhat unwilling hero of the piece. Again though, I have to point out that the chances of the only female you come across aboard a huge, mostly deserted spaceship, being a super hot vixen would be remote to say the least. You would more than likely instead, end up with a crippled, and crazed Kathy Bates lookalike with bad teeth and alopecia. I know I would anyway as my luck is shite at the best of times.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1188729/

Vanishing On 7th Street F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-22T12:51:00.000-07:00

Vanishing On 7th Street 5/10
Hayden Christensen, Thandie Newton, John Leguizamo

When a massive power outage plunges the city of Detroit into total darkness in an instant, a disparate group of individuals find themselves alone, terrified and confused. The entire city's population has vanished into thin air, leaving behind heaps of empty clothing, abandoned cars and ever-lengthening shadows. Soon the daylight begins to disappear completely, and as the survivors gather in an abandoned tavern, they realize the darkness is out to get them, and only their rapidly diminishing light sources can keep them safe.

TERROR 2/5

This movie started off with creepy promise of more tension and dread to come, but then just seemed to lurch from one boring chit-chat and flashback to another, losing any redeeming chance of thrills and spills with every slow, lingering moment. Shame too, because the guy who directed this movie also directed Session9, which had some deliciously haunting and equally terrifying moments. This whole movie just seemed to me to be a somewhat wasted opportunity.

The Nickleback Signing was mobbed...

GORE 0/5

None, apart from a good old mystery head wound. Have had a few of them in my movie reviews recently...weird that.

NUDITY 0/5

Not a damn boob in sight...but with only a single, distraught, female lead in the cast this was probably to be expected. I'm not a big fan of 'sad boob'.

CHARACTER/PLOT 3/5

The characters are reasonably well developed, and well written too, but there's just not a lot for them to do here and therefore there's no attachment to them throughout the film. As the end neared ever closer, I just didn't really care who lived and who died, although I had a pretty good idea who was for the off and who would survive as soon as I had all the cast onscreen. Overall I personally feel that this entire film was both a great idea and a great premise, but as I already stated above I just came away thinking that it was a totally wasted opportunity to do something truly scary. Oh, and in future please chill a bit with the religious imagery littered throughout...we fucking get it already.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1452628/

Fear Theatre A-Z Of Horror Movies

2012-08-17T13:58:00.001-07:00

This is where we will list all of the horror movies we can think of, and then try and review them all one at a time and link them up as we go along. Don't look at the list and say, that's not all the horror movies!! Of course it isn't for fucksake, I will add a few more movies every day. Bloody hell, if I tried to do the list all at once my arms would fall off and my eyes would melt before I even got a quarter of the way through. We will link each movie up to IMDB and also to our own review, if there is one!

The Abandoned   IMDB
Absentia IMDB
Airborne IMDB
Albino Farm IMDB
Alice Sweet Alice IMDB
All About Evil IMDB
Alligator IMDB
Alligator 2 The Mutation    IMDB
Alien IMDB
Aliens IMDB
Alien 3    IMDB
Alien Resurrection    IMDB
All The Boys Love Mandy Lane IMDB
Alone In The Dark                                      IMDB
Altered IMDB
American Gothic IMDB
Amusement IMDB
An American Haunting IMDB
Apollo 18    IMDB
April Fools Day IMDB
Arang IMDB
Asudem IMDB
A Tale Of Two Sisters IMDB
The Atrocity Exhibition IMDB
Audrey Rose IMDB
Audition IMDB
AVP    IMDB
AVPR     IMDB
Babysitter Wanted IMDB
Bad Dreams IMDB
A Bay Of Blood IMDB
The Beast Within IMDB
The Beyond IMDB
Black Christmas    IMDB
Black Christmas (Remake) IMDB
Blackout IMDB
The Blackout IMDB
Black Sabbath    IMDB
Black Water IMDB
A Blade In The Dark IMDB
The Blair Witch Project IMDB
Blair Witch 2 Book Of Shadows IMDB
Blood Sisters IMDB
Blood Runs Cold IMDB
Bloody Reunion IMDB
The Boarding School IMDB
Body Snatchers IMDB
The Boneyard IMDB
Borderlands IMDB
Botched IMDB
Brain Damage IMDB
Brainscan IMDB
Buio Omega IMDB
Burnt Offerings IMDB
The Burning IMDB
Cabin Fever IMDB
The Cabin In The Woods    IMDB
Carrie IMDB
Case 39    IMDB
Castle Freak IMDB
Cemetary Man IMDB
The Changeling IMDB
The Children IMDB
The Children Of The Damned IMDB
C.H.U.D. IMDB
The Church    IMDB
Clive Barker's The Plague IMDB
Club Dread IMDB
Cold Prey IMDB
Cold Prey Resurrection    IMDB
Colin IMDB
Confessions IMDB
Contamination IMDB
The Cottage IMDB
Creep IMDB
Cronos IMDB
The Cure IMDB
Dagon IMDB
Dead End IMDB
Dead Silence IMDB
Dead Snow IMDB
Death Bell IMDB
Death Is Childs Play IMDB
Death Warmed Up    IMDB
Deep Red    IMDB
Demons Never Die                                 IMDB
The Devil's Chair    IMDB
Dementia 13   IMDB
Demons    IMDB
Demons 2 IMDB
Devil IMDB
The Devil's Nightmare    IMDB
The Devil's Rejects IMDB
The Devil Rides Out IMDB
Dog Soldiers IMDB
Don't Answer The Phone    IMDB
Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark       IMDB
Dr. Hell IMDB
Dr. Giggles IMDB
D-Tox                                                           IMDB
Duel IMDB
Eden Lake IMDB
End Of The World IMDB
The Evil Dead IMDB
Evil Dead Trap IMDB
Eyes Of A Stranger IMDB
The Facility IMDB
Fathers Day IMDB
Fertile Ground IMDB
Final Destination IMDB
Final Destination 2    IMDB
Final Destination 3    IMDB
Final Destination 4    IMDB
Final Destination 5    IMDB
Final Exam IMDB
Five Across The Eyes IMDB
The Fog    IMDB
The Fog (Remake)    IMDB
Frayed   IMDB
Friday The 13th IMDB
Friday The 13th (Remake) IMDB
Fright Night IMDB
Fright Night Part 2    IMDB
Fright Night (Remake) IMDB
From Within IMDB
Frontiers IMDB
The Funhouse IMDB
Galaxy Of Terror    IMDB
Ghost Ship IMDB
Ghostwatch                                                  IMDB
Ginger Snaps IMDB
Grace IMDB
The Gravedancers                                  IMDB
Graveyard Shift IMDB
Happy End IMDB
Hardware IMDB
Harpoon IMDB
Hatchet       IMDB
Hatchet 2 IMDB
Hell's Ground IMDB
He Knows You're Alone                              IMDB
High Lane IMDB
The Hills Have Eyes IMDB
The Hitcher    IMDB
Home Sweet Home    IMDB
The Horde    IMDB
The Host IMDB
The House By The Cemetery IMDB
The House Of The Devil IMDB
House Of The Living Dead IMDB
House Of Wax IMDB
House Of Wax (Remake) IMDB
House Of 1000 Corpses IMDB
The Hunters IMDB
Husk IMDB
The Incredible Torture Show IMDB
Inferno    IMDB
The Initiation IMDB
In Memorium IMDB
The Innkeepers IMDB
Intruder IMDB
I Saw The Devil IMDB
Jacob's Ladder IMDB
Kaidan IMDB
Kalevet IMDB
Kidnapped IMDB
Killer Klowns From Outer Space IMDB
The Killing Room    IMDB
The Legend Of Hell House    IMDB
Living Dead At The Manchester Morgue IMDB
The Lost IMDB
Macabre IMDB
Madman IMDB
Malefique IMDB
Mama IMDB
Manhunt    IMDB
Martyrs IMDB
Memento Mori IMDB
The Mist    IMDB
Mutant IMDB
Mute Witness IMDB
The Mutilator    IMDB
My Soul To Take IMDB
Neon Maniacs IMDB
New Years Evil    IMDB
The New York Ripper IMDB
Next Door IMDB
Nightmare   IMDB
Nightmare Detective IMDB
Nightmare In A Damaged Brain    IMDB
Night Of Bloody Horror IMDB
Night Of The Demons    IMDB
Nine Lives IMDB
Nine Miles Down IMDB
Noriko's Dinner Table IMDB
Onibaba IMDB
The Orphanage IMDB
Orphan IMDB
The Orphan Killer IMDB
Outcast IMDB
Paintball IMDB
Pandorum IMDB
Paranormal Activity    IMDB
Paranormal Activity 2 IMDB
Paranormal Activity 3 IMDB
Paranormal Activity 4 IMDB
Phenomena    IMDB
Piranha    IMDB
The Ploughkeepsie Tapes IMDB
The Pool IMDB
Pontypool IMDB
Prom Night    IMDB
Prom Night (Remake) IMDB
Prowl    IMDB
The Prowler IMDB
Q The Winged Serpent IMDB
Ravenous IMDB
The Reef    IMDB
Razorback    IMDB
Resident Evil IMDB
Resident Evil Apocalypse IMDB
Resident Evil Extinction IMDB
Resident Evil Afterlife    IMDB
Resident Evil Retribution                           IMDB
Return Of The Living Dead    IMDB
Return Of The Living Dead 2 IMDB
Return Of The Living Dead 3 IMDB
Return To Horror High IMDB
Rinne IMDB
The Rite IMDB
Rogue IMDB
Rosemary's Baby    IMDB
The Sadist    IMDB
Scarecrows IMDB
Scream IMDB
Scream 2    IMDB
Scream 3    IMDB
Scream 4    IMDB
The Sentinel     IMDB
Session 9 IMDB
Shadowzone IMDB
Shock Labyrinth    IMDB
The Shrine IMDB
Shuttle    IMDB
The Signal    IMDB
Sileni IMDB
Silent House IMDB
The Silent Scream IMDB
Slashers IMDB
Slaughter High IMDB
The Sleeper IMDB
Slugs IMDB
Slumber Party Massacre IMDB
Stage Fright IMDB
Stake Land    IMDB
Stitches IMDB
The Strangers    IMDB
Superstition IMDB
Surviving Evil    IMDB
Switchblade Romance IMDB
Tenebrae    IMDB
Terror Firmer IMDB
Terror Train IMDB
Tesis IMDB
The Thing (Remake) IMDB
The Thing IMDB
Thirst IMDB
Three Extremes IMDB
Toolbox Murders   IMDB
Trailer Park Of Terror IMDB
Trauma IMDB
Tokyo Gore Police IMDB
The Torment    IMDB
Train IMDB
The Tripper    IMDB
Triangle IMDB
Troll Hunter     IMDB
Trick R Treat IMDB
The Tunnel IMDB
Turistas IMDB
The Uninvited Guest IMDB
The Unseen IMDB
Vacancy IMDB
Vanishing On 7th Street IMDB
V/H/S/    IMDB
Visiting Hours IMDB
Voice IMDB
Welcome To The Jungle       IMDB
The Ward IMDB
Whispering Corridors IMDB
White Dog IMDB
The Wicker Man IMDB
Wishing Stairs IMDB
Witchboard    IMDB
Witchfinder General IMDB
Wrong Turn IMDB
XTRO    IMDB
XTRO 2 The Second Encounter    IMDB
Zombie Flesh Eaters IMDB
Zoo IMDB
1408 IMDB
28 Days Later    IMDB
28 Weeks Later IMDB
51    IMDB

Count So Far...304

Reviewed So Far...45

More movies will be added to the list every day!

Demons Never Die F.T Movie Review

2012-08-17T07:35:00.000-07:00

Demons Never Die 5/10

Robert Sheehan, Ashley Walters and Tulisa Contostavlos

Stylish teen slasher film Demons Never Die follows eight very different London students with one deadly secret: they have all make a pact to end their lives together. However, a mysterious masked killer emerges from shadows to grant their death-wish in more terrifying fashion than they could ever have imagined. Misfit Archie (Robert Sheehan), model Samantha (Emma Rigby), wide-boy Kenny (Jason Maza), star pupil Ashleigh (Shanika Warren-Markland), conflicted Sachin (Jacob Anderson), goth-girl Jasmine (Jennie Jacques), and weakling James (Jack Doolan) are all battling their own private demons, from eating disorders to lost parents. But as a much deadlier assailant hunts them down one by one, their quest for death becomes a desperate fight for their lives. Can these friends survive long enough to discover what they have to live for? Or will their bleeding hearts be brutally slashed wide open?

That's quite a dramatic blurb for such an undramatic, cop-out of a slasher film. Every Cliche in the slasher-movie book is wheeled out and re-hashed, and every death and stumbling 'plot twist' is sign posted a mile off, as everyone who has ever watched one of these movies must have noticed. On top of that there's more red herrings crammed into this movie than there is freckles on my arse...and I am one freckly bastard let me tell you. Seriously though, just because your horror movie is full of well known singers, television characters and generally cool British actors, doesn't make it any less shite.

TERROR 1/5

A single solitary point here is well justified as the scares are as frequent as moon landings and just as disappointing to watch. Goes for the whole tried and tested technique of killers popping up pretty much just after you would expect them to. So cue 'murder' music, music reaches crescendo, but no killer, music stops....wait for it, there he is! Oh you tricked me again you sneaky little movie you! Oh no actually you didn't because I'm not a fucking autistic five year old.

Pretty and dim? Man, you are soooo dead.

GORE 2/5

Not really much to say here either to be honest, plenty of blood after the violence has taken place but surprisingly bloodless during the fact. Let's be reminded, however, that it's a 15 certificate so there's little chance of heads getting lopped off or faces being cleaved in twain. I like that word...cleaved. Very underused if you ask me.

NUDITY 1/5

Side boob! Yes I would like to point out that there is plenty of 15 certificate friendly side boob shots on display and that's always worth a point in Fear Theatre's book. A lot of the times side-boob looks better than front boob so appreciate it when you get it.

Tries to be 'cool', fails miserably...again.

CHARACTER/PLOT 2/5

Every cliche under the sun is used in here, right down to the standard character Roster of jock, token crazy guy, sex-kitten, strong willed final girl type, hero loner who may or may not be the killer, pathetic fat guy who just wants people to like him, etc etc. Add to that lot the usual amounts of teenage sex, teenage drug and drink abuse, plenty of angst, hardly any adults around (and if they are they are either 'going away somewhere for a moment, back soon' 'involved somehow' or 'soon to be dead')...stir all that together in a big bowl, add a bad plot and voila! A shitty slasher film is born! On the plus side Tulisa from N-Dubz get's murdered right off the bat, so for some of you out there that's well worth the price of a rental alone. I would like to point out once again however, that 'killing off a big character before the credits' is so old-hat now, come on Britain, please do better!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1777612/

Airborne F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-13T12:07:00.001-07:00

Airborne 5 /10
Mark Hamill, Gemma Atkinson, Craig Conway

As a snow storm closes in, one final plane takes off. The plane reports to the ground that both pilots are dead, while the slowly dwindling number of passengers on the plane wish that they'd never left the ground.

Okay first off, there is no snow storm in this movie, there's is, however, a tropical Hurricane so I'm not sure why there's been some confusion with that in the official blurb. Come on guys, it's your movie for fucksake so at least get the basics right. All in all this is an okay little suspense horror, a kind of supernatural whodunnit set on board a suspiciously empty jet liner. Just okay you say? Yes, just Okay. It's a bit like cheap homemade pornography, you know you shouldn't watch it as it's quite shitty and the people are hideously normal looking...but you just can't avert your gaze.

Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad B-Movie by any means, but I'm not gonna stick my neck out and commit to saying it's a great B-movie either, trust me it's far from great. But then again I've seen worse.

Hi my name's Jamie and today I'll mostly be sitting on the fence. Mostly...

Why am I here? I was in Star Wars For Fucksake...

TERROR 1/5

Murder, murder everywhere and not a scare in sight! Alas it's true, there isn't even any cheap 'BOO!' type shocks in store here, instead it has the feel of a made for TV Miss Marple murder mystery to it, but on a plane, with more blood, Gemma Atkinson, lot's of swearing and a supernatural twist. So basically it's fuck all like Miss Marple then...damn. The one solitary point here is for people who are either afraid of flying, or Mark Hamill's acting ability.

Can you tell me why I'm here? I was in Star Wars you know

GORE 2/5

Gore on the levels of 'minor head injury'. Basically no worse than the injuries you could see spending an hour in your local casualty department. There's a nice scene involving some head butting madness but that's about as gory as this movie gets.

Now imagine her fully clothed.

NUDITY 0/5

This is the second film I have reviewed on this blog starring Gemma Atkinson that has a 0/5 nudity rating...what the hell is going on with the world?
>Waves fist at the sky and screams/wails in anguish<

CHARACTER/PLOT 3/5

The plot is all over the place to be honest. It's like the writers started writing one movie and then decided on a totally different movie halfway through. It kind of works though and is one of the main reasons it keeps you strangely keen on seeing where it's going to go next. Add to the confusion, poor dialogue and overall bad acting there's also Luke Skywalker, Brick Top, Gemma Atkinson, and a bloke from The Bill. Why would you not watch this??

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1827354/

A Fear Theatre Look At Night Terrors

2012-08-08T07:06:00.000-07:00

Yesterday upon the stair
I met a man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away
When I came home last night at three
The man was waiting there for me
But when I looked around the hall
I couldn’t see him there at all!
Go away, go away, don’t you come back any more!
Go away, go away, and please don’t slam the door
Last night I saw upon the stair
A little man who wasn’t there
He wasn’t there again today
Oh, how I wish he’d go away.

-William Hughes Mearns

Sleep, those little slices of death; Oh how I loathe them. Edgar Allan Poe

The 'man who wasn't there' in the first poem above may just be an imaginary figure, a figment of a troubled mind and a frightened imagination, but for many sufferers of night terrors the 'imagined man' can feel very real indeed, and truly terrifying at that. Take it from someone who has suffered his own night terrors on and off for a number of years now, disturbing subconscious night visits that seem to show no signs of abating as I get older. Parasomnia disorder is the proper name for the condition which is basically a pant-filling feeling of terror or dread, mixed with momentary paralysis and hallucinations. Normal people experience a similar, albeit smaller, taste of terror during daytime naps. When an accidental dream trip or some innocuous fall sends the dreamer spiraling awake in abject panic before they hit the ground. This is but a small taster of the full condition, now amp the fear level of that up to about eleven and you have a full blown night terror on your hands. Fewer than 1% of adults, according to the medical folk in the know, experience full blown night terrors so those that do, i.e., me, should feel truly lucky. Aye right.

Night terrors come in many forms and my own particular state is but one of many. Some people lash out, sleepwalk and flail around often injuring themselves or others. Some people sit bolt upright, screaming from a nightmare that they don't remember, others like myself wake up from a nightmare but don't completely wake up at all, instead bringing a little slice of the nightmare into the waking world with them...or so our subconscious mind would have us believe anyway. Apparently adults who suffer from the condition have more leanings towards psychopathology and other such mental disorders...at least I have that to look forward to. On the other hand some studies have shown that subjects who were sleep deprived or over-tired to have a much larger chance of suffering from Night Terrors. Make your mind up for fucksake people, am I borderline psychotic or just a little bit knackered?

The first thing I want to touch on here is the fear aspect. There is an almost tangible horror that sets in when you realise that not only are you fully awake to suddenly find that your entire being is in instant fight or flight mode, and you don't yet know why, but then you see that flight isn't even an option because no matter how hard you try, you just can't seem to move. Not a muscle. You can't shout out. You can't turn your head. You can't even shift your eyes. As if that isn't bad enough you are suddenly aware that you aren't the only person in the room, theres something else there, just out of sight, and there's not a god damn thing you can do to defend yourself.

This isn't some horror movie scene, this is a pretty basic Night Terror description for me. These come about roughly twice a year but strangely enough seem to happen more often when I'm sleeping in someone elses house rather than my own, I have also had more of these NT's happen to me while sleeping on couches rather than on beds. Is that a contributing factor? Are couches somehow inherently evil and do they wish to harm me? Who knows. Although the last couch I slept on had a brown, luxurious Paisley pattern print on it, so it did look a little bit evil. Dirty couch bastard. Another interesting point of note from my own NT experience is a figure that I like to lovingly call the Hat Man (Not just me apparently, Google that shit). Hat Man, to me anyway, appears just beyond the periphery of my vision, and for some reason he's always at the doorway of the room I am sleeping in, no matter where the door is in the room. He doesn't do much to be honest, he just kind of hangs around, soaking up the terror. The NT always ends with three bright flashes coming from Hat Man's general direction before his form fades away and I suddenly sit bolt upright, covered in sweat, angry, confused, scared...and some more angry. So who or what is Hat Man and why does he pop up in many more Night Terrors than a simple case of pareidolia should allow? Does my brain just make the image of a man in an old fashioned 'Quakers' style hat out of the darkness and confusion on its own, and if so then why do so many others report of seeing similar images at the corner of their eye during these very same events? Maybe I read about Hat Man when I was younger. The shadow man style archetype has certainly been around in books and literature for many years and I have always had a fascination for horror stories ever since I was a child, so I admit that there's a good chance that maybe I put the image there during moments of terror myself. I know from personal experience that brains can be absolute dicks like that sometimes. What of the flashes then? Maybe these are flashes in my own brain, signalling the end of the NT. To be honest there is nothing that I understand about these things that go bump in the brain and every night spent researching only leaves me with more questions as the internet can be a truly horrifying place to do research on. The only thing I can be certain of is that it will happen again, and who knows? Maybe this time I will manage to awaken before the flashes, a little earlier then usual, and maybe this time I will come face to face with the man who isn't there....but the thing is, would I truly want to?

AZ

The Innkeepers F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

The Innkeepers 6/10

Sara Paxton, Pat Healy, Kelley McGillis

During the final days at the Yankee Pedlar Inn, two employees determined to reveal the hotel's haunted past begin to experience disturbing events as a couple of old guests check in for a final stay...

A good, though not very original, premise for a horror movie is let down for me by a very long, drawn out beginning (and middle for that matter) and some piss poor acting. Some great scares to be found later in the film, a broody setting straight out of The Shining, (The Kubrick one, not the shite Stephen King version) and some proper tense moments bring this above the normal horror movies of the same ilk but again, It's just not enough to make it exceptional. A shame really as it seemed to promise so much more at every turn.

TERROR 3/5

The tension throughout is as good as anything Hitchcock could throw your way and at times the suspense is unbearable, but actual scares, for me anyway, could be counted on one hand...although I do have 16 fingers. When the scares are eventually unleashed however, they are of the goosebumps variety so kudos for that. Just a shame we have to wait so long for them kick in.

An action sequence

GORE 1/5

A nasty head wound. Seriously, that's it. Gore isn't on the menu here though and if you know what type of movie you're about to watch, then you will know that Ti West is more about suspense and distinctive camera work etc. He's basically the 'hipster horror movie maker'...but in a good way. I fucking hate hipsters.

What the fuck was I drinking last night??

NUDITY 0/5

Some leg action and a naked old man...he's dead though so that doesn't count as a point.

CHARACTERS/PLOT 3/5

The plot is simple enough but it works really well in the confines of the movie, although the script is a little bit thin on the ground at points which doesn't really help the 'plodding along' feel of the story at times. The characters are hit and miss for me too, as the residents of the hotel seem to be perfectly cast, but Sara Paxton's character is fucking abysmal and nearly ruined the entire film for me at points, I'm assuming she went to the same 'rub yer face' acting class as Edward Furlong. Annoying, over acted, badly written parts for her throughout, It's almost like the writer never even fucking tried to make her character three dimensional and believable. Instead she comes off as a cardboard character from a students poorly made first attempt at film making. I was going to suggest editing her out using software like they did with Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars, but that would just leave a really long movie about a crazy hotel worker who liked to sleep a lot and talk to himself. I would probably watch that actually.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1594562/

The Hunters F.T. Movie Review

2012-08-03T13:20:00.001-07:00

THE HUNTERS 3/10
Steven Waddington, Tony Becker, Dianne Agron

Alice and her friends are approaching the end of the school year where their dead-end lives will end and the chance of a new life will begin. Before heading off to college they spend one last day together in the woods, the one part of town that has always been off limits to them growing up. As they stumble upon what they thought was an abandoned fort only to find the walls dripping in blood and decomposing body parts lying around, they are startled to learn they are now a part of an undercover investigation. After being told to get out of the woods they realize they're trapped, for the Hunters, who call the fort home, never let anyone out alive - This is the blurb that I read when I watched this below-par little movie on Netflix, don't believe a word of it though as it's complete and utter bullshit. It may as well say that there's spaceships and sexy aliens in it as well. There's not, but there's also no group of teenagers getting picked off one by one as the blurb above teasingly suggests, and it certainly isn't a slasher movie either. Hell, it's barely even a horror movie. Maybe a psychological thriller at best. That girl Alice that it talks about above? Well she's only in the movie for like twelve fucking minutes in total, seriously, this blurb bites ass. Why put a pointless bit part character's big face on the front of the DVD? Get some sexy aliens on there instead, now that shit'll sell.

TERROR 1/5

About as scary as finding a beetle on your carpet...not even a spider or a snake or a giant pissed off wasp. Nope, just a tiny, common black beetle, meandering harmlessly along your rug looking for some fallen food or skin particles to snack on. There's some badly thought out and poorly acted characters hunting and killing a selection of other badly thought out and poorly acted characters. I'm being generous with one out of five here too, that's about as scary as an episode of the Care Bears.

Under used and under killed.

GORE 2/5

Some gore, but minimal. Amounting to the odd decapitated head rolling around and the usual low budget off camera murders with arcing, wall splashing blood shots. Let's be fair here though, it pretty much had to have some gore just to retain it's tenuous horror billing in the rental stores across the country.

NUDITY 0/5

One guy strips to the waist and simulates sex with a semi-decomposed human head...not sure that's worth points here though. If you think it does...seek help immediately. Seriously, get looked at.

One of these men has erectile dysfunction, can you tell which?

CHARACTER/PLOT 2/5

This movie absolutely misses a trick, and an opportunity to score some extra points here by having a member of the Glee cast in the film and not killing her in a gratuitously horrific fashion, poor show. The two main protagonists in the movie also look like your cool uncle who takes you camping and fishing and occasionally lets you drink and smoke and doesn't tell your parents. This sometimes works well in horror movies and catches us off balance with 'oh my god I never expected it to be him that butchers all those people...he's so damn normal!' but this time it doesn't work at all, as the characters are pretty much signposted as 'obvious bad guys' trying not to look like bad guys from the very start of the movie. There's other bad points for me as well nestled in here. The continuous dream sequences are just annoying and the films long, drawn out beginnings only add to the feeling of utter disappointment that fills your soul by the end of the film. The one really good point about it that I can point out, is it's overbearingly gloomy and atmospheric setting, just a shame it wasn't utilised in a much better movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1591504/

The Cabin In The Woods F.T. Movie Review

2012-05-09T07:11:00.001-07:00

The Cabin In The Woods 8/10
Kristen Connolly, Chris Hemsworth, Anna Hutchison, Fran Kranz, Jesse Williams

Five friends go for a break at a remote cabin in the woods, where they get more than they bargained for. Together, they must discover the truth behind...the cabin in the woods.I actually can't really give you any more details other than it's gory, funny, jumpy, and highly entertaining throughout!! Any more details divulged by me may spoil the bag-full of tricks this movie has instore for you, and you really need to go into what's (rightly so) being billed as a 'modern horror classic' with a clean slate. If anyone spoils the plot twists littering this blood-soaked funfair ride then you should be allowed to punch them right in the face, sometime violence is the answer. Enter the cabin...if you dare.

TERROR 2/5

Okay I know this score is pretty low for a monster/slasher/horror movie but this movie, in my own humble opinion, is horror in name only. Sure there's plenty of gore and guts and a couple of scares thrown in for good measure but this movie is just too much fun to keep you up at night. Unless you're up at night pondering the intricacies and social commentary that's hidden inside the move. Please don't be one of the IMDB assholes arguing over such trivial things though and just consider it a homage to such classics as Evil Dead and leave it at that. I urge you to leave your brain at home. To ditch the notebook and the big ideas and just go to the cinema and enjoy the damn film!.

Pretty young victims all in a row.

GORE 4/5

Blood sprays, squirts, pools and rains down all over the place as the movie gets going and this isn't a movie for the squeamish. If you're not squeamish though, and liked the tongue in cheek pairings of gore and laughs in films such as Scream, Trick r Treat and Deep Rising then this is most probably another movie yer likely to enjoy!

NUDITY 1/5

Boob Scene!! Just the one though and if I tell you any more about it I could possibly ruin something for you (making this whole goddamn review nigh on impossible) but after a shitload of '0' scores here lately, I'll take what I can get.

Damn, I'm looking fine today! And female too apparently!

CHARACTERS/PLOT 4/5

Aaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!!! How in the hell can I tell you anything about the Characters and the plot without spoiling anything for you? I'm not sure I can, so I'll skirt the issue like a true cliched coward. I can honestly say that both points get the thumbs up from me though, and only a slightly dodgy and rushed feel to the ending of the movie stopped this being 5/5. Fans of Joss Whedon's other Television series' will be happy that a good portion of the cast looks like it's been hand picked from other movies/programs he has written or directed in the past and they play all the parts chosen for them with ease. I would even go see this movie a second time round, you know, just in case I missed anything on the first viewing with all my 'ooooing' and 'aaaing'.

Manhunt Fear Theatre Movie Review

2012-05-08T10:16:00.001-07:00

Manhunt 6/10

Henriette Bruusgaard, Jørn Bjørn Fuller Gee, Lasse Valdal, Nini Bull Robsahm

Four unlikeable yet attractive hippy types (well, it is set in the seventies after all) are in the middle of a miserable and washed out looking road trip somewhere in deepest darkest Norway (no trolls unfortunately). After stopping for a toilet-break and bite to eat in what could possibly be one of the most sinister looking diners I have ever seen, they suddenly find themselves thrust headlong into a terrifying situation. A chance encounter with a stranger at the 'cafe of dread' leads the friends to a brutal ambush by some backwards redneck locals, and promptly dragged into the surrounding forest to play the part of the 'prey' in a sick, and rather bloody hunting game.

TERROR 2/5

Okay, while this movie cranks up the tension and keeps it dialled up all the way to 11 throughout, I have to say that it's just not very scary. The kills are pretty boring and the whole movie just seems like a standard 'by the numbers' slasher flick as far as the 'jumps' go, and it has the same expected scares as you would get in any other 'pretty teens being hunted by killer(s)' movie would have, albeit a little better worked out.

Can I have my gun back please?

GORE 4/5

There's some nasty scenes in this one including a disemboweled dude, an axe to the face and a really painful looking 'shotgun to the ankle' scene that'll have you wincing in pain yourself, so there's certainly some gore splashed around if that's what you're after. If you get the UK DVD release though, try and start it while closing you're eyes as there is a terrible spoiler on the main menu sequence that is pretty fucking astounding if I'm perfectly honest. It would be as bad as having the Keyser Soze twist on the main menu of the The Usual Suspects DVD. I shit you not.

NUDITY 0/5

Seventies? Check. Teenagers on a road trip? Check. Hot girls? Check. Nudity? Erm, no-check? Un-check? Basically no, There's no nudity here whatsoever...No Trolls either so It's a double disappointment.

Only Gillete has a closer shave than a madmans blade

CHARACTERS/PLOT 3/5

As stated above, all the characters in this film are pretty unlikeable in my own opinion, so I found it hard to root for them against the faceless hillbillies hunting them through the woods. Maybe teenagers in the seventies were all grumpy arseholes? Who knows. All I'm saying is that if I was forced onto a road trip with these guys I would probably have killed them all myself. The story has been done a million times before as well but at least it's done pretty stylishly here, and the grainy seventies style filter that the movie is shot in only serves to heighten the darkness and claustrophobic feel of the whole film. I would recommend this movie as it really is a good watch, but it's more of a thriller than an out and out horror. Watch it, and if you don't expect too much you'll probably enjoy it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1054115/

The Thing (Remake/Prequel/Whatever) Fear Theatre Review

2012-04-02T12:01:00.002-07:00

The Thing (Remake/Prequel/Whatever) 6/10
Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgarton, Eric Christian Olsen
A prequel to the excellent John Carpenter movie from 1982 sees us back at the Norwegian base where it all began as one by one our ragtag team of scientists and workers are picked off in a variety of grotesque ways by our visitor from another world. A visitor who likes nothing more than killing you, absorbing you, becoming you, then using you (or the perfect copy of you) to go all apeshit monsterism on yer friends. Not a shadow on the original in my opinion but still a decent movie.

TERROR 2/5

The original terrified the bejeesus out of me, but I was only eight when I saw it for the first time so the pant-shitting fear was to be expected. This one however didn't have the same type of scares. It lacks the dark, brooding, and downright unsettling feel that the original seems to ooze. This is more like the teen monster movie version of the original. It still has some good jumpy moments, but nothing stand out. It's a shame too, because if this film was made, and there was no original at all, then we would probably all be singing it's praises. Comparisons are a motherfucker though.

GORE 3/5

Plenty of blood but again it lacks the guts of the original, in more ways than one! The monster effects are nicely done and some of the deaths are pretty nasty, but CGI just can't compete with good old fashioned horror FX in my book. Where's the slime? Where's the goo? All CGI does is make gore look ...well...clean.

NUDITY 0/5

None, but it's really cold out there so who can blame 'em...and I'm not 100% sure if The Thing is naked or not so even that's not worth a point. If you want a point for a naked monster though you should probably seek some sort of psychiatric help.

PLOT/CHARACTERS 3/5

Can't really fault the acting and characters, but none of them really stand out apart from typical final girl Kate who we just know is gonna make it till the end, I do have to ask though, is there no ugly female scientists in these movies? Plenty of big ugly bearded dudes kicking around but both girls...models...funny that. Unbelievably good looking scientists aside, a large cast at least gives us more of a surprise pecking order and some of the deaths are quite unexpected. I was sceptical regarding the loose ends that don't seem to tie up this movie with the original, but one by one it gets 'em all, so kudos for that, as there's nothing worse than a prequel that doesn't obey the rules of the original movie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0905372/

Brainscan F.T. Movie Review

2012-03-15T13:50:00.000-07:00

Brainscan 6/10
Edward Furlong, Frank Langella, T. Ryder Smith

A lonely, horror game addicted teenager gets more than he bargained for when he samples the newly released Brainscan horror game. It's the most sophisticated horror game to ever hit the market and puts you in the shoes of the psycho-killer as he slices and dices his victims. Utilising hypnosis to get you closer to the game than ever before, it all seems just a bit too real...the shit really hits the fan though when our young antagonist awakes from the game to find blood on his hands, a real murder on the news, and a demonic crazed entity stalking him in his own home...now he's forced to play the game till the very end or those closest to him will be the next victims, at his own hands!

TERROR 2/5

I had high hopes for this movie, especially after the Dario Argento'esque, leather-glove clad, and very brutal 'killer vision' of the first murder...but it kind of tailed off after that in the scares department for me and I had hoped for more jumps. Still highly enjoyable though in a kind of 'I frickin loved this movie as a kid and still frickin love it' way. It's a fun and incredibly watchable little slice of horror and may scare the under 12's, though I wouldn't go as far as to call it a lighthearted romp.
I frickin hate light-hearted romps.

Stop touching your FACE!!

GORE 2/5

Plenty of red stuff and body parts galore served up in the first game instalment, as 'innocent victim number one' gets a severe murderising in the comfort of his own bedroom. Even his bedroom gets murderised, which is a shame as it was lovely. Especially those blinds, and that wallpaper is just to die for! Anyway, that's pretty much as bloody as it gets I'm afraid. Once again a classic horror reaches its peak way too fast, leaving the girlfrie...erm, I mean the viewer, unsatisfied and wanting more. While the film goes for a wee snooze, because its had its fun. Bastard.

NUDITY 2/5

I gave this a two because it has some boobies in it, flashed on the fly by Edwards creepy-obsession girl living across the street from him. I'm not sure if simple boobies from one character in a movie truly deserves a two but hey-ho, that's just how I roll today.

Nom Nom

CHARACTERS / PLOT 3/5

I feel 3 out of 5 may be a bit stingy here, but I simply had to deduct a point for Edward Furlong's terrible acting and his repeated face rubbing and hair touching throughout the entire...fucking... movie. It actually pissed me off so much that at one point I was considering watching it again from the very start just so I could keep count. But that's an obsession for another day and another article. Frank Langella does a fantastic turn as the disbelieving cop on the edge, who knows the kid is the killer...but just can't prove that he is. The Trickster is an excellent horror character as well and fits in superbly with the 'eighties Hollywood slasher' feel of the movie, though he's perhaps just a tad too kooky. Overall though I thought that, if anything, he was maybe a bit underused here. He did an excellent job of mentally torturing and terrorising the 'face rubber' throughout, and manipulating him in a variety of happily evil ways, but he really should have gotten his own hands dirty a few times. Overall I would say that Brainscan is definitely worth a watch.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0109327/

Shadowzone F.T. Movie Review

2012-02-28T15:22:00.002-08:00

Shadowzone 3/5
Louise Fletcher, James Hong, David Beecroft

A NASA Captain is called in to investigate a shady and terribly lit underground facility, after a death involving a volunteer in a sleep/subconscious study called, rather ominously, Shadowzone. (they should have called it 'fluffy snoozy sleepy test', that would have been a less conspicuous name) Shit soon goes all eighties monsterific though as the suspiciously small group of scientists unwittingly open a gate into a terrifying world of shape-changing aliens...and one of them come over to our side for a visit.

TERROR 2/5

The funny thing here is that I actually remember being scared shitless watching this back when I was a kid (man that was too long ago), by comparison though, I also thought Time Bandits was scary, and even thought Spaceballs was hilarious...the shame. The scares in this movie are mostly of the 'something big jumps in front of you' variety, and even then they aren't very well done.

So uh, tell me again why there's only six of us?

GORE 3/5

Plenty of blood and gooey bits hanging from walls and splashing across windows and such but its all very 'samey' to be honest, but most of the kills are done off camera and we are left listening to horrific, garbled screams. Nice monkey though. That probably sounds weird if you haven't seen the movie.

NUDITY 2/5

There's a fully naked hottie lying on her back pretty much all through the movie, oblivious to the carnage happening around her, and there's also a slow lingering shot of a man's penis who is lying in the tank beside her. So a mixed bag then...quite literally...nice monkey though.


Hey Baby...

CHARACTERS/PLOT 2/5

It's total shit and you know it is, but by god you'll still love it! Poor story, poor acting, poor direction, but it's still great from start to finish, by very definition a 'so bad its good' monster movie. Why would an underground base this huge have only 6 people working there including a cook and a janitor? Budget cuts maybe? Then there's the thing about the shape-shifting creature changing into whatever scares you the most, so I'll touch on it again...why the monkey? Why not a giant knife wielding spider, or a horribly disfigured clown? Or, dare I say it, a giant knife wielding spider clown?? I mean for fucksake people, think outside the box a bit...and what exactly was the janitor afraid of, a giant lawnmower?? All these questions and more will never be answered, so just tune your brain to 'empty' and enjoy this cult classic B-movie horror without prejudice!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0100586/

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark F.T. Movie Review

2012-02-21T10:06:00.000-08:00

Don't Be Afraid Of The Dark 7/10
Bailee Madison, Katie Holmes, Guy Pearce

An army of tiny and surprisingly cute, (in a hideous Gerard Depardieu kinda way) fairies with tiny weapons and bad attitudes to match, terrorise a young family after the daughter unknowingly unleashes them from their tunnel hidden in a boarded up basement under the home. Not only do they want the daughter for their 'teeth snacking', but they also need to replenish their dwindling numbers by stealing away another human to serve in their hellish underground kingdom. This is based upon an original British made-for-television movie from the seventies that is apparently much better, and also scarier than this less-than-terrifying slice of kiddie-horror (Although that wouldn't be too hard)...I say apparently, as I have yet to see the original myself so can't comment on any similarities....or lack thereof.

Just imagine a hundred tiny versions...

TERROR   2/5

I'm not sure how scary an army of tiny cutesy monsters can actually be, as although I may not be much of a fighter myself, I'm still sure I could take on and beat a room full of these psychopathic little arseholes any day of the week and twice on Sundays. So what if they carry tiny weapons? I can carry HUGE weapons and run around mooshing them into walls and floors. If I was younger, or my girlfriend, then yes, I can see this being pretty scary...but as a fully grown adult I could only guffaw repeatedly as again and again our tiny miscreants got the better of their huge human counterparts. There is one or two jumpy moments thrown in for good measure but generally it's as scary as a big 'ol box of kittens.

GORE   2/5

There's a couple of mooshed fairies, so I'm guessing that if you're a fairy and you're watching this movie then it would be pretty horrific at points, but apart from a severe stabbing dished out to a hapless landlord, and a nasty leg break that made me wince, there's not much else going on.

NUDITY   0/5

A big fat zero...although none of the mini monsters are wearing clothes...not sure if that counts as nudity though.

No Gerard...put the scissors down!!

CHARACTERS / PLOT 3/5

As with all Guillermo Del Toro movies, this one is well scripted and well written, but both Katie Holmes and Guy Pearce seem pretty disinterested all the way through it and mumbled lines and far-off stares seem to be the norm, both however are given a lesson in acting by the youngest cast member in the movie, little Bailee Madison. Bailee does an excellent job as the troubled child battling not only monsters in her home that want to eat her fucking teeth, but also her own, broken-family induced personal demons, that threaten to tear her apart from the inside.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1270761/

Cold Prey Resurrection F.T. Movie Review

2012-02-12T06:42:00.000-08:00

Cold Prey Resurrection 8/10
Ingrid Bolso Berdal, Marthe Snorresdotter Rovik,

The final girl survivor of the first massacre, set in an abandoned hotel high in the snowy wastes of the Norwegian mountains, is found by rescuers and rushed to a local, though poorly staffed, hospital. Unfortunately for her the bodies from the first movie, including that of the lumbering 'snowman' killer, are transported to the very same hospital by the local police. After some thawing time our badly dressed murderer finds a trusty pickaxe and goes on another blood soaked rampage, upping not only the body count of the first movie, but also the violence, but this time he's not only up against one tough-as-a-brick-shithouse girl, he's up against two of them, and things are gonna get messy.

TERROR 4/5

Shocks, frights and jumps aplenty in this tightly wound little chiller, full of shadowy rooms and pitch black corridors that make the hospital seem threatening all on its little old ownsome, even without a monstrous tramp stalking its deserted hallways (much like the claustrophobic confines of the abandoned hotel in the first movie). The last time I saw a building this threatening was in Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, or the original Halloween 2, which come to think of it, this movie reminds me of a lot. Considering that the classic John Carpenter medical stalk n' slash sequel is one of my top ten horror movies of all time, comparisons to it can only be a good thing. If you are after a tense and taut little horror with big dollops of action thrown in for good measure, then this is the movie you're looking for.

Hi there! Can I interest you in some Avon products

GORE   3/5

Although there is no major gore in this movie, there is however plenty of claret thrown about the set, as one by one our cast are whittled down, to meet their terrible ends by pickaxe, some uber brutal man-handling, a scalpel selection, and even a fire extinguisher. Aaaahhh, the humble fire extinguisher...Puts out fires, puts in faces.

NUDITY   0/5

None, nada, zilch, nope, one of the only downsides to an almost perfect slasher movie, and an especially promising shower scene goes wasted...shame.

PLOT / CHARACTERS   4/5

It's okay little man, you're in good hands...

Considering most of the cast is made up of unknowns, they all do a great job with a script jam-packed with everyday, boring realism, which with bad acting could have mired the film down if a lesser cast had been onboard. This film is also one of those great slashers that actually makes us care about the people involved, thus making their brutal deaths at the hands of the suitably creepy and silent giant, stalking the darkened halls all the more realistic and nasty. We especially feel for the poor Jannicke, who, after witnessing the deaths of her friends mere hours ago and then having to go toe to toe with the murderer himself, has to do it all over again, and this time he seems a bit more pissed off with his predicament, but this time Jannicke has a little help too...Another great plus point is also that the pecking order is pretty darn unreadable, due once again to the great cast of unknowns and some of the deaths actually did take me by surprise. Fear Theatre give this movie the big thumbs up!

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1188990/

The Pool F.T. Movie Review

2012-02-08T15:02:00.000-08:00

The Pool 7/10
Kristen Miller, Isla Fisher, James McAvoy, Cordelia Bogeja

A group of thirteen teenagers from an international rich-kids high school in Prague celebrate the end of their exams by breaking into Prague's largest swimming pool complex to party the night away in nothing but bathing suits...as you do, obviously. The arrogant party atmosphere soon turns to terror and a frantic life or death game of cat and mouse ensues, when one of their number dons a shoddy looking Halloween costume and begins butchering the rest of the party goers with his huge machete. One by one this bad decision making group is whittled down until only a few haggard survivors remain, but with all the doors locked up tight, how will any of them make it out alive?

Smash some windows, maybe? You know, just a thought, off the top of my head.

TERROR 1/5

The killer looks like a big gay Scream knock-off with his almost knee-high leather boots and an ill-fitting stretch top, even his machete bears the rather un-macho inscription 'have a nice day' on it, (as glimpsed between death scenes) so he's actually more amusing than scary. Saying that, if I saw him in a dark alley in Glasgow I wouldn't just stand there and guffaw at him, I would turn tail and run my ass off outta there, it's not the man I'm scared of, it's the huge bastard of a machete he's swinging about.

Have a nice day! Oh no, wait...that does sound a bit gay.

GORE 3/5

Plenty of blood on show and enough hacked limbs to wet the appetites of the gore fans amongst you, but annoyingly, most of the death scenes are done off camera. Although there is some awesome mega-deaths hinted at throughout, including a rather nasty 'water slide' scene of which nightmares are made of, I'll certainly think twice about going on a water flume again now anyway...

NUDITY 2/5

There's a couple of fleeting boob shots but you have to remember that this is a 15 certificate, so it's all pretty un-titillating standard slasher movie fare...and the boobs in question are only flashed in exchange for beer, which is a good trade-off if you ask me. The flasher in question is a well known face from British telly advertisements which makes it all the more interesting...now every time I see her on the box, advertising something as mundane as BT or Pepsi I think to myself...'I've seen yer boobs'.

Hhmmm, just realised I can't see in the dark either...

PLOT / CHARACTERS 2/5

Even though it's not the worst acting and script I have ever seen in a horror, it's certainly not up there with the best, and the international cast and staggering array of fake sounding accents doesn't help matters. Not even an early acting appearance from A-lister James McAvoy can really save it. What it does have going for it though is a kind of relentless charm, and once the killing starts the movie just charges along at a good pace, keeping yer interest peaked if nothing else. All in all it's a decent, above average slasher film and on the sliding scale of recent slasher movies, that's not a bad achievement at all. I know I have already mentioned it briefly above, but I'll touch on it again because I just can't let glaring plot holes go, there's big fucking windows all over the place, why doesn't anybody just smash through one with the wide array of implements at their disposal and get the hell out of there?? In fact I'm pretty sure if a guy with a machete was chasing me, I could run through a frickin' window, never mind throw something through it.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0283027/