Auntie Ashley's Fractured Fairy Tales

Pick Your Battle!

2017-03-21T08:41:00.001-05:00

There is no geater struggle when you feel alone than the battle between your own heart and mind. The people closest to me, as pictured in this post, have taught me the true meaning of unconditional love! I have two healthy great-nieces!! I love you Ember and Violet. I love Karen and J R the Great. I love you Shane and Shaniah and Dakota and Kiana and Savanah and Emma and Sissy and Chloe and Mama and Colin and Daddy!!! Also, a shout out to my homeland at Tomahawk and Reedville!!!My family always and forever! Please thank God for your blessings each and every night!

Please see my Facebook page for pictures!:

https://m.facebook.com/auntieashley34/

For Freedom A Cost Must Be Paid

2017-03-02T07:43:00.002-06:00

I loved and tried and dreamed. My supportive family were always behind me and always will be. Should I say SOME family. Also, please remember family is not always blood. I beg all teens of this world to think, at least as long as their extension span and hormones hold out!

I have turned into Dr. Brown-Still and Miss Auntie Ashley (as opposed to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde). The only dreams I sometimes have left are for my family's success and happiness, my freedom to sleep in any room I wish (same with trying to have my God and Music therapy), and to feel any freedom but at least freedom from unnecessary questions and walking on egg shells and being able to not fear an inevitable confrontation because I am required to be in whichever room someone else is in. The cost to pay is too high some days. The cost is sanity, self-questioning, at least when you hear them say they are by themselves hatefully and tell you they are alone so they are just going to bed and throw their hands in the air as all I do is listen to music and write, well you end up with that other person staring down the business end of a hissy fit! Freedom always costs. Peace and be free!

I Live A Stress Free Life! (Maybe not but let's pretend.)

2017-02-09T13:07:00.000-06:00

Does so many awesome things ever happen to other people besides me in such a short amount of time (say a few weeks!!!) that they start to wonder when the bottom will fall out?! It's easy for me to allow myself to sink into this line of thought. I have two beautiful and healthy daughters I love. Each has their own unique sense of humor and personality yet we all get each other and are very close. We have a lot of fun together!!! My niece is having my great niece Monday and my new niece (my nephew's wife) is having my other great niece shortly after. Two of my nephews' band White Fox Kill is taking off in this world and they are realizing their dreams! They have won Battle of the Bands and will play at The Shrine Mosque April 1st for the first day of Carnival of Ink. Many great musicians that literally changed the very nature, view, and love of music throughout the last several decades have been on that stage (perhaps you've heard of Bob Dylan?!). I couldn't be more proud of all my family. I also have another niece and nephew I love with all my heart! On top of all this I am fixing to be a proud owner of a Stevie Ray Vaughan Strat(see picture). With all this love, excitement, and anticipation building I should be bursting with pure joy instead of waiting for the ball to drop; therefore I am going to do something simple. This is something anyone can choose to do. I am going to believe I deserve to be happy and proud and have beautiful and loving friends and family. I am going to enjoy every moment as it comes without expecting all hell to break loose. I am going to laugh and love and rock out as much as humanly possible without reservation or irrational fear. I would suggest doing the same. Live without looking over your shoulder for the upcoming catastrophe!

Resolve for Repair Without Resolutions

2017-01-04T12:20:00.000-06:00

It's the beginning of a new year. One of my hopes for the new year involves Frog not asking me all year if it is 2018 (he asked this about 2017 throughout the last year). Most people have been analyzing and forming resolutions and have possibly already given up on those resolutions. I don't analyze myself and my life every new year because I do that constantly each day all year long. Resolutions involve regret that maybe we haven't made enough family time or learned something we've always wanted to learn. We may resolve to analyze and correct weaknesses in ourselves such as anger issues, bad habits, being a doormat, or addictions. The truth for me, though, is that I know a resolution could never be a solution. I am broken and need to believe in so much more than a miracle resolution to heal from the past. Every single day I could choose to change a bad habit or exercise more or practice more patience. My point is that I always know actions I should resolve to take towards improvement. I can also take those actions anytime of the year, should I choose to. Resolutions are only pressures that panic me and set me up to fail. They have the feeling of a time limit and hold me in fear of shame and failure. They also instill in me a nagging fear that if I fail a New Year's beginning resolution, then the rest of the year will be a continued failure. A choice to change and the motivation to do so may come under any circumstance, at any time, and completely unexpected. These moments are the ones that change my life. These are the moments I have learned the most and grown as a person. Congratulations to anyone that makes a resolution and empowers their life by continuing it. I implore the many, though, that either never follow through or try but can't make a resolution to stick to. Please take a few moments every day to reflect and just feel. If a change is wanted, then you will know the choice you need to make, and you will choose in your own time when you know you're ready. Success is within each of us and not held in a fortune cookie or a resolution. No matter your line of thinking around a new year, I do hope the best for everyone and a blessed year ahead (as uncharacteristic of me as it may sound to people that are in my circle)!

The Necessity of Emotions

2016-04-01T07:43:00.004-05:00

Yesterday a friend told me about an ex of hers that believes emotions are unnecessary to the "human" life. This, of course, has caused much analytical thought in my mind. I know in my soul emotions are absolutely necessary (at least from a personal and societal point of view). I wanted to put it into words, though. Please humor me and imagine that every single person on earth shared no emotions. That is the point. It is not that he thought there should be no emotions, but he thought it would just be best to not share our emotions with each other at all. Society would break completely down. There would be no empathy or sympathy, therefore no volunteers or charities or help for the helpless. This would shutdown all mental health agencies, whether or not it's pro bono. Don't misunderstand me. Even as a person in the mental health profession, I am not trying to cry out for all people to open up and write down and share their "feelings". I am only discussing those emotions and situations that make us different from all other species. We help each other and work together. We do not do these things for our own gain (although we do) but because we understand and want to treat others the way we would want to be treated. Yes, the golden rule is still in play. Emotions are also our soul basis of trust in each other. Even the coldest introvert should agree if you have not even one person's trust, you have nothing. Can emotions be draining? Yes! Do they seem like a big fucking joke at times? Absolutely! We still need them and need to express them in some form (hopefully in a healthy way). Love, anger, fear, happiness, and all other emotions will always be necessary if we want to be a contributing member of society. Human connection is sometimes all that keeps us alive. We feed each other, listen to each other, put roofs over unfortunate heads, and always strive to make the world better through improving and building up each other. Maybe her ex or one of you can survive with no help from anyone or any emotional connection with any other person. My hat's off to you. I could never survive that way.

My Stairway to Heaven and Highway to Hell in a Small Town

2016-03-02T12:09:00.002-06:00

The road to hell is not paved, despite that old bit of wisdom. I feel it sneaking up at times when I'm traveling an old dirt road. Here the gravel in mud captures local sins and blood. Some are buried deep and some are fanning flames. In a correct situation, wrong can be right. Someone plots to take your darkness. This will help you forget the pain. You find these friends that "know" you need a release. Friend lead to a belief that the answers can be found. I check into my trip to heaven with every step towards hell. When everyone knows my weakness, they learn to fear my strength. Does danger have a place on the stairway? Can kindness fool this highway into pushing pain away from my hope and Heaven's stairway?
I realize to some this post is strange. Maybe some won't understand. Basically, I have come to believe you must feel the evil and know it's temptation in order to recognize the light again. Sometimes we lose the light. The only way to look for light is to travel through the darkness. I need to know others have darkness. I like to find each person's darkness in order to find a truth that helps me to see someone as completely human as I. That knowledge helps me see each ray of light you also exhibit. I see strength that overcomes any weakness. These are the people that give me hope for all of us in this confusing world. Yet, as all humans seem to require experience to gain knowledge, I am sure each one of us continuing down so many different and difficult paths will continue to cruise this highway to hell. We must experience a justification and then a conviction of our sins in order to arrive on our stairway to Heaven. We can't believe in finding Heaven in our personal hell. Sometimes I scream. Nothing is simple. Questions haunt us. Love saves us. Answers will arrive.

I Forgot Love was a Verb

2015-10-09T09:48:00.001-05:00

Everyone generally wants to have someone to love whether it be a family member, friend, or romantic, significant other. The problem people often have in today's time is that actions are no longer the measure we use in order to prove that love for others. I have been guilty of this and know plenty of other people that are also guilty. We often assume someone knows we love them. It is too emotionally draining in a world of stress to do the things we should to show loved ones how we feel. Between education, employment, and parenting, people feel they no longer have time to go out of their way to keep up social relationships. They take loved ones for granted and expect relationships to to take care of themselves. Relationships can not take care of themselves. They take all parties involved working together to remain in loving and healthy and mutually supportive relationships. I was awakened to my assumptions when my 22-year old nephew, 'The Real Shane Quenzer', moved half way across the country to California from Arkansas. I have watched him grow and was lucky enough to be able to influence his thoughts and choices. As his moving day came closer, my denial grew into a numb existance to prevent admitting to myself that I would have to say goodbye to someone else I love. After he did finally go, my denial mutated into a painful realization that I was out of time after 22 years to show him what he meant in my life. Luckily, I realized how proud I am to see him make his own life as a writer/singer like his mother (my sister) and I always wanted to be.
Also, I was lucky I still have contact with him and have been able to make it clear how instrumental his own existance has been to my own happiness. I miss him, of course, and don't care a bit to tell him that. I am now more aware of the condition of all my relationships, especially the rest of my nieces, nephews, sisters, brother-in-laws, my husband, and my daughters. I want the people I love to know their impact in my life, and I want to be able to see the impact I have in their life. I want my own impact to be positive and supportive. It never hurts us to ask ourselves what we can do to apply the love we feel for others in those loved ones' lives. Time can not be regained and guilt is a useless emotion when it turns to regret instead of wisdom.

Don't Judge Me Based on My Photos on My Phone!!!

2015-08-18T21:15:00.001-05:00

I seem to carry a dark sense of humor. I only add a smidge of sarcasm. It has come to my attention that based on my saved photos I am bat-shit crazy! All the funny propaganda, The threats on ecards lettin all bitches know if they start it you'll finish it, Quotes that make me work to renew lost faith in myself, and just some things that remind me I am not alone. Each photo was saved because I related, no matter why to anyone. As with each tattoo, there is some memory connected that has story behind it. These are the stories of my journey. I use music for inspiration and my tattoos reveal my soul's expression.

Maybe I should be embarrassed by some things I enjoy or find funny or that guards me from from giving into my own peer pressure. This always leads to a simple fact that the real shit going down is "whether or not our photos and who we are warrant rights to privacy". Should I get pegged as a druggie just because i'm small, as well as the rest of my family. Let's say I save a picture of joking about kids. Will you be mad or be like me and laugh because you are so glad someone else understands how you feel as a parent. You see? Jobs can depend on such info for scanning potential candidates. If photos make an applicant liable for tendencies to do drugs, partake in illegal activity, or driving drunk and partying a lot, then I know good red-blooded Country Men, that work hard and give even more, that doesn't care what someone thinks based on their photos. I guess I could deny my craving of humorous pictures to add to my photos. Those have helped me work through rough times just by going back thru my journey in photos. For now i'll keep most photos to myself, despite the fact that I don't fucking care if anyone sees them. Some things are less shocking in small increments!

Earth: Population-No Telling How Many Nosy Liars

2015-06-17T06:42:00.000-05:00

It’s a damn shame to write so soon but I have a question. When did everything going on in each of our lives become the business of those people that stare at you and watch every move you make just to have something to do? When did these so-called people begin to think they should step into something that is nothing? I am not talking about friends or other people that love and care for us. I’m not talking doctors, counselors, or who you may go to church with (well….maybe sometimes…if I went). I need some comments below this post, everybody! I can understand if it affects the other person or people, but if everything is perfectly fine and someone is doing everything they should do in this life without harm to themselves or anyone else, then those other people need a hobby. They could take up watching Jerry Springer or Maury, which are people just like them, only the guests are inviting them into their shit. Humans are packing in like sardines everywhere. You can open your door usually and see something (even if it is nothing and none of your business). Keep it to yourself if it’s just gossip or a lie. What about someone deliberately opening a door to your house without your permission that is not welcome? I had a step-grandmother we called Hattie Gail. She always wanted to know what my uncle was doing, his kids were doing, what we were doing, and where her purse was (my sisters would hide it); so to all the Hattie Gails out there, mind your own business and keep your hands to yourself. Last time I checked, even we sardines have the right to prosecute trespassers. I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to judge, but when a violation of ones’ property is messed with in any way be grateful for the same grace I spoke of two posts back. I know I’ll need that grace to forgive my mouth and mind (I always rant first and then think later when bothered by those Hattie Gails out there waiting on me. Please weigh-in on this for me. Are you bothered more by the gradual loss of personal space? Do you miss just trusting someone without putting them through tests first? Do you see the pain that is causing others to fear society because of a few lies or steps or ignorant stares? I do, but I am still going to enjoy myself. What do you do when you need uplifted?

Playing in jeep in the summer helps me!


Lynyrd Skynyrd always make me feel better!

Life Lessons from Your Local Bootlegger

2015-06-16T07:42:00.000-05:00

Let us change gears here! The latest youth should be aware you couldn't go but alcoholic drinks without making long trips and only a limited number of cases. They changed the law in regards to the amount you could by but it didn't male the trip any shorter! Poppy (my Grandfather) didn't care. He was the one they counted on in so many neighboring towns. Maybe it was the fact that Poppy was young and forced on the front lines in WWII on Normandy Beach on D-Day. Whiskey jugs were hid all over the countryside down in old stumps. If he was thirsty, he knew where they were. Maybe it is how he coped with war. I just know when any one of hundreds tell me stories about him now I hear two sentences; these being "I bought a lot of beer off ol' Ralph." and "Nell wouldn't sell it.". You woke Poppy up after 8:30 pm, especially to charge it, he wouldn't either. Once it led to a "picket your local bootlegger" strike. They had signs saying that and picketed until a few minutes later when Poppy shot a sign out of Tom's hand. To this day, Tom don't care and said he knew he'd have been dead if Poppy wanted him to be. His children, which includes my mother, and Granny had it rough living with him. I know that and believe they have let it go now. I wish they could see him like I always have as 'Poppy's Baby'. Everyone I speak with about Poppy and Granny both always speak with deep respect, admiration, and affection. I veraciously learn all I can about where I came from. I want to know what I am made of so I am confident moving forward. I have received the same gifts from everyone that Poppy and Granny and my parents got, as I am an heir to this strange inheritance of loyalty. I make faces like my dad, forget like my mom and sisters, stand my ground like Granny, and take care of business like poppy. Oh, and poppy taught me a mean game of poker and dominoes. I know what people think; they learned those games too, but when your teacher has won thousands in cash and new cars, then you tend to learn not to lose EVER! I needed to know where I came from before I went ahead. I'm only 34 but old school and raised so. I love fresh paper, the smell of new pencils, and the feel of a real book in my hand when i read. My teenager can't address an envelope and didn't know about stamps. My 8 year old is hooked to electronics the same as the teen. I can't stop advancement but I have the voice to express my disappointment. My tattoos tell my story of love, loyalty, and faith and family. My tattoos will never define me. I will define them, so never assume. I will forever use the gifts and gratitude I've been given.

My Demons and Unconditional Love and Grace

2015-06-03T20:15:00.002-05:00

I was brought up in church. First, I went to a Baptist Church and then Pentecostal. When I moved in with my fiancé I was introduced to but did not attend Catholicism. Each left me with beliefs I still have to this day and each left me questioning things regarded as true or important in each one. This has left me to develop my very own, unique relationship with God. Each organization has too many holes in them, therefore organized religion does not appeal to me at this point in my life. I see people every day that go to some church or another that are good people, but I feel their judgement (not Christian), I see their anger towards those that made mistakes and hear the words they speak of condemnation as soon as the mistakes are made (also not Christian and, technically a lack of forgiveness and mercy), and I notice how erratically they work to "follow the law" and do works by their own hands to build themselves a sure-fire ticket to heaven. I am in no way putting anyone down. These are hard-working people with faith in God and do exactly what they feel they should and need to do according to what they were taught to believe. I enjoy listening to a good church service. I read my bible and try to live by it. I own devotionals and crosses and pray.
My point being through all of this discussion about church and why I do not go is really simple. People have been too concerned with doing in this tragic world but not concerned enough about listening, flying under that protective wing that gently reminds us we are none of us better than another and we should be thankful for the unconditional grace and love that no one really even deserves without Him. I can't throw a stone. Can you throw a stone? Have you never made a mistake? I have. Everyone I know has. I bet you fucking have! Did you see mine?
I live amongst the demons that haunt many believers out there. I curse, honestly, quite often when I am not around others. There have been dark days that required more than a pint of ice cream and a spoon to survive; but that's survival. I have days I cannot control the craving to escape from my own mind. I never stop thinking. Still, I fight anger so deep that, when triggered, could compare with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Forgiving is hard but forgetting is harder than anything I could be asked to do. What do you do when you feel cornered? What do you do when you realize time won't go in reverse? Anxiety attacks my mind and tells me nothing will turn out right and I can't do anything. It attacks my body with stress hormones, mixing with the "coping skills" I used.
All I know is no one can know. You are given choices but those don't come with blame and excuses. They only come with consequences, and the rest that you can't control will be dealt with as it comes along. Only my spiritual relationship and grace and unconditional love with God make me realize that goodness, protection, and peace are always within me, no matter how many demons knock at your mind (because they attack your mind since the mind runs everything else) in order to tempt you to cope with chaos that surrounds your life. I will never deserve it. I will always be grateful, though. I am grateful that after years of feeling broken and knowing I was irreparable, there is no human broken. We are whole, complete, and already righteous people; and I know I am forgiven.
I am not trying to be a damn preacher. I just wanted to share what I learn sometimes. You don't have to believe me. You can ignore me. I don't really give a shit. I just hoped someone without a hope might gain a new perspective. Not a Christian? Think of it as self-help. I have friends that don't believe in God but want that peace. That peace is grace. The grace is from Him. Love is the most powerful emotion; therefore by filling yourself with love will accomplish the same effect only without the stigma of being called "grace". As for me, I cannot deny God, so I will call it grace. May you find this grace that is given, definitely costly, but free to anyone, so please be grateful!

The Beginnings of a Hostage Under Codependency

2015-01-15T23:33:00.002-06:00

A lesson to learn right now...A hard road through hell to be told soon.