Fireflies in the Room

The Exist Poem

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Mon, 26 Feb 2018 17:00:00 +0000

Just about all of the assignments for the Spiritual Practices class were to do spiritual mind treatments for our prayer partner, a classmate. I'll keep his issues and concerns private, as well as those I did for other friends. This, however, is my final project for the class, a poem. I think it summarizes pretty well how I was feeling during the class!

The Exist Poem

I’m slight in size (except for my hair)
“Watch – turn sideways and you’ll disappear!”
I must insist that I exist.

Big voice, big actions, big stories – big hair,
Volume of any kind to prove that I’m here.
“I’m important, I matter!” I yell so I’ll heal
Though the louder I scream the less true it feels.
I must insist that I exist.

I seek, I search, I strive, I try
I do my practices, cry and cry.
Over-achiever, in charge, what needs doing I’ll do,
I’ll lift myself up and the whole world too!
I must insist that I exist.

So where is that voice still and small?
I meditate, vision, can’t hear the call.
Where’s that joy, that peace, that bliss that I am?
Why can’t I feel it when others can?
I must insist that I exist.

I’ve untied, unwrapped, unfurled, and uncoiled,
Pain dissolved; new seed in the soil.
I’ve been going and going, time for a rest,
When I stop and get still comes my highest and best.
I melt my heart and from deep in my core
Up comes the voice, still, small, and more.
“Nothing to insist; nothing to fix.
You, Child of God, absolutely exist.”

Stillness meets stillness in expansion and space,
I surrender to life with ease and grace.
I drop into my heart like into a boat
Wherever life takes me I just need to float.
The sweetness spreads, such joy, such bliss,
I know who I am, God in my midst.
A moment – my vision, a feeling so pure,
It pulls me forward, wanting more.

Divine Right Relationship

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Tue, 20 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +0000

Another class I took before I started my practitioner training was Spiritual Practices. We learned about affirmative prayer, meditation, visioning, and journaling. We had prayer partners in class to practice doing spiritual mind treatments for others. Our week two assignment was to write a spiritual mind treatment on a current condition we would like to change. I wrote a treatment to release past attachments and attract a new romantic relationship. Feel free to use as is or adapt for your own purposes!

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Condition:
Currently lacking a romantic partner in my life. I am still emotionally ‘waiting’ for a recent partner who may or may not ever be ready to fully commit to pursuing a partnership.

Purpose:
I am always surrounded by love, appreciation, and support. I release all past attachments knowing that everything that happens is for my good and the good of all, in time and on time. I claim true, intimate love with a partner available and committed to a long-term relationship with me.

Qualities of God:
Unconditional Love, Right Relationship, Freedom, Peace

Mental Equivalent:
I am so thankful to feel the unconditional love that I am in my romantic partnership. I am adored and appreciated, supported in all I do. The love I give flows back to me with ease and grace in perfect circulation. With the freedom that is God, that is Life, all of my past attachments fly away like butterfly blessings, leaving the lessons learned and space for new love. Such joy to have a wonderfully strong, generous, intelligent, and fun partner to share this journey of life with!

There is one Presence, one Power, one Life – and that is God. God is all there is – whole, perfect, and complete in its entirety in every moment, always present, always available. God is infinite unconditional love and right relationship always. God is Freedom, flowing through the universe with gentle ease and grace. God is peace for all eternity.
As an individualized expression of God, I too am whole, perfect, and complete. I am one with the presence and power and life that is God. The Spirit dwells within me, is me, expresses itself as me, always flowing with ease and grace in freedom and perfection. As a child of the Most High, I too am infinite unconditional love, always guided by Spirit to right relationship. Peace is the very fiber of my being, always present when I am open and receptive to its power.
I, Marianne, say the word for myself that I am always surrounded by love, appreciation, and support. I release all past attachments knowing that everything that happens is for my good and the good of all, in time and on time. I claim the present now moment as the only one which exists for me. All past suffering, sadness, guilt, or unworthiness is dissolved in the light of truth of my being. All fear of the future is banished from my consciousness as fear and love cannot exist in the same place. I accept true, intimate love with a partner available and committed to a long-term relationship with me. As the very fiber of my being is unconditional love, there can be no lack of it in my life. Spirit would never deny itself the experience of a higher frequency! Right relationship is my birthright and peace reigns in my heart.
I am so grateful and thankful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation of complete love, appreciation, and support to take place. I enjoy and treasure every minute with my romantic partner!
I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

Realizing My Full Potential

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Tue, 13 Feb 2018 00:00:00 +0000

In week seven of the Self Mastery class, we read "Some Elements of Commitment" in our student workbook. The four elements are:

My Principle-Centeredness. The foundation of faith that undergirds my human life and values, and validates WHO I AM. My Centeredness in Principle provides inner strength and stability in all I do.
My Purpose. What I am in the world for. My faith-based sense of mission and direction. The thrust of my life. My Purpose gives basic meaning to my life.
My Finite Objectives. My work. The finite ways in which I express my faith in my Purpose. My Objectives define the actions needed to implement my Purpose and bring my Vision into realization.
My Vision. My capacity to see ultimate, archetypal possibilities in my Purpose and move toward making them real. My vision is my potential for creativity in living.

Our assignment was to pick one of the elements of commitment that needed the most strengthening and write a spiritual mind treatment addressing it. I chose My Purpose and to some extent My Vision. I focused on the sense of unworthiness that up until that point had been keeping me from my mastery.

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Condition:
Residual feelings of unworthiness are preventing me from fully realizing joy, prosperity, and love in my life.

Purpose:
I am one with the wholeness of life and absolutely matter in every way. I allow and participate in the circulation of joy, prosperity, and love.

Qualities of God:
Oneness, Wholeness, Love, Joy, Prosperity, Abundance

There is one Power, one Presence, one Life, and that is God. God is all there is, one with everyone and everything in the universe. God is whole, perfect, and complete always. God is unconditional love, unlimited joy, never-ending prosperity and abundance. God is more than enough of everything for everyone!
As an individualized expression of God, I too am whole, perfect, and complete, just as I am. As the Divine Spirit that lives in everyone and everything also lives in me, I too am unconditional love and unlimited joy. The never-ending prosperity and abundance that are God are limitless and are mine as well as a child of and co-creator with God. As a part of God, I am part of the Oneness that is all Life, and I share fully in all of its good.
I, Marianne, say the word for myself that I am one with the wholeness of life and absolutely matter in every way. I cannot be unimportant – I am one with God, and God is Life – the only thing which does matter. I have a place in the universe - talents to share, gifts to bring – that is of the utmost importance. As an individualized expression of Divine Spirit, I cannot be unworthy, because Spirit can never be unworthy. Spirit lives in me to experience the joy, love, and prosperity that it is, that I am. That is my purpose in life. I cannot be unworthy of living out my life’s purpose! In the light of truth of my being, all false beliefs of unworthiness and separation are dissolved. My wholeness and perfection in God, as a God-being, my oneness with all of Life are revealed as all fear is released and dispelled. I allow and participate in the circulation of joy, love, and prosperity, claiming them as my birthright.
I am so grateful and thankful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation of wholeness, an understanding of my own importance to take place.
I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

Releasing the Need to Please

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Tue, 06 Feb 2018 02:12:00 +0000

This is a treatment addressing how I was before I discovered Science of Mind, living in denial of my human potential and spiritual needs. This assignment was for week six of the Self Mastery class. Feel free to use as is or adapt for your own use!

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Condition:
My need to please is preventing me from reaching my full human potential, preventing me from being true to myself.

Purpose:
I am whole, perfect, and complete as I am. Spirit guides me in right action for the perfect fulfillment of my highest good.

Qualities of God:
Wholeness, Right Action, Divine Wisdom, Harmony, Order

There is one Power, one Presence, one Life, and that is God. God is all there is, whole, perfect, and complete for all eternity, omniscient and omnipresent. God is right action always, through the power of divine wisdom and infinite intelligence. God is order in all things and complete harmony. God is absolute perfection!
As an individualized expression of God, I too am whole, perfect, and complete. I share in the oneness of all life. As Divine Spirit lives within me, I am always guided to right action. As a droplet in the ocean that is God, I too have access to the infinite intelligence and divine wisdom of the universe. I am one with God and as such I am also order in all things and complete harmony.
I, Marianne, say the word for myself that I am whole, perfect, and complete as I am. There is no need to please anyone else; I need only trust the divine wisdom that is always accessible to me, always guiding me to right action and my perfect good. My good is the good of everyone else, because we are all one, all connected. Not expressing my creative potential, not growing spiritually, not sharing the love I have are all denials of Spirit’s gifts living through me, desiring to flow forth. Any thought that I need to live other than my truth is an illusion, and all fear of others’ opinions about me is dissolved. I stand up to claim my right to live my truth, in full creative expression, as I am guided by Spirit to my highest good.
I am so grateful and thankful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation of wholeness and fearlessness to take place. I am so thankful that I am open and receptive to the divine wisdom of spirit which is always available to me.
I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

I Am Love and Absolutely Worth Loving

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Wed, 07 Sep 2016 19:47:00 +0000

In week five of the Self Mastery class, our assignment was to write a spiritual mind treatment for an issue that came up while reviewing the chapter on 'Freeing Myself and Others to Love.' Here is mine. Feel free to use it or adapt it if it resonates with you!

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Condition:

Fear of abandonment makes me reluctant to trust in love relationships. It is difficult to believe that I am worth loving.

Purpose:

I am love and absolutely worth loving. I am one with God and all of Life.

Qualities of God:

Oneness, Wholeness, Love, Faith

There is one Power, one Presence, one Life, and that is God. God is all there is – the source and substance of all. God is whole, perfect, and complete; omniscient and omnipresent. God is unconditional love and unwavering faith for all eternity.

I know that as an individualized expression of God, I too am whole, perfect, and complete. The Divine Spirit within me links me to everything and everyone else in the universe; there is no separation. As a droplet in the ocean that is God, I too am unconditional love and unwavering faith. This is my birthright as a child of the Most High and it can be no other way.

I, Marianne, say the word for myself that I am unconditional love. Every part of me is lovable because every part of me is love, every part of me is God. Every part of me is important in the whole of the universe and every part of me is worthy of love because every part of me is God. God is all there is. All ideas of abandonment are false beliefs now dissolved in the light of truth of my being. I can never be abandoned because God is always with me, omniscient and omnipresent always. I am one with all of Life, absolutely never alone. There is no separation. Any lack of trust or lack of faith is dispelled now. I stand up and claim my oneness with the wholeness and love of God. The divine spirit lives within me, is me, acts through me and I trust completely.

I am so grateful and thankful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation of wholeness to take place. I am so grateful that I understand, am aware, and know that I am love always.

I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

My Presence Is a Gift

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Wed, 17 Aug 2016 19:00:00 +0000

In week four of Self-Mastery class our assignment was to read the following piece by Paul Williams from Remember Your Essence and write a thought paper:

Your Essence

Picture a burning log, like in a fireplace, a hearth.

Now see it as if it were floating in the air a few feet in front of you,
and notice that there are two elements here: the log, and the fire
that clings to it.

Now move this image of a burning object into your body, so that you
can feel it like a warm, comforting glow inside your chest.

This burning log is real, and it exists inside you.

The inexhaustible log is called your essence; and the fire, the flame,
is your life.

You are a source of warmth and light.

Children who are cold or lonely or unsure come to you for comfort,
and you always have comfort to give.

Even at your moments of greatest doubt, when you feel totally
closed down to the world and to yourself, the life still burns in
you, and your essence remains pure and powerful and untouched.

Your fears and resentments may blind you, may cripple you, may
seem to totally absorb you, but they cannot stop you from being
a source of warmth and light.

You are who you are regardless of who you think you are.

Your thoughts affect your actions, and they affect your perception,
your experience, of everything around you.

Your thoughts control your experience of reality. But your thoughts
cannot affect or change or control or even touch who you are.

You have a power that has nothing to do with what you do, or what
you say, or who you know, or what you know, or where you are, or
what you look like, or your skills, or your talents, or what you have.

It is the power of your presence.

It is the heat and light from your burning log.

And it touches everyone who comes in contact with you...

Remember Your Essence

I wrote:

A few years back my sister called me, very distraught, and I talked to her for over an hour. Her boyfriend, the father of her son, had moved out again after a few months of having moved back in, and the disappointment of having to raise her son on her own again was too much for her. As she cried and cried, I comforted her as best I could. I told my therapist later how badly I felt that I didn’t have any money to give her. I was in Los Angeles while she was on the east coast, and I felt terrible that there wasn’t anything concrete and substantial I could do to help. My therapist suggested that maybe she didn’t want money or other help from me - maybe she just wanted someone to listen.

Paul Williams’ piece reminds me that my presence is a gift, even when my small self might feel that I have nothing to offer. Up until now I have felt at times that I need to earn more money or have more accomplishments to be worthy. In the past it was challenging to believe that partners were truly interested in me or that friends were happy to pay for my dinner in exchange for my company. I accept that my presence has a power that is enough. My presence is heat and light which touches everyone who comes in contact with me. I am grateful for this reminder.

-----------

Rev. Anna Marie's comment on it was, "It’s such a powerful awareness to know that you are enough and that your presence is a gift to others. From this awareness and your gratitude you will begin to see some incredible shifts in how things show up in your life. Know that you are a blessing and you are blessed."

Restoring Myself to Wholeness

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Fri, 12 Aug 2016 05:06:00 +0000

My assignment during week two of Self-Mastery class involved a spiritual mind treatment for the issue that came up for me while we were doing some heart work (our more uplifting term for 'homework') on Wholeness. I had not been taking very good care of myself. Time to love myself more.

If this treatment resonates with you, feel free to adapt it for yourself.

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Condition:

My lack of discipline (intermittent, not regularly scheduled or followed practices of well-being) negatively affects all aspects of my being, particularly mental, emotional, and physical.

Purpose:

I choose to love myself more fully by following regularly scheduled practices of well-being.

Qualities of God:

Discipline, Balance, Trust, Patience, Harmony, Strength, Love

There is one Power, one Presence, one Life – and that is God. God is all there is. God is whole, perfect, and complete for all eternity. God’s nature is trust and balance. God is infinite unconditional love which is discipline and strength to make the perfect choice always. God is patience, peace, and harmony.

I know that as this is God’s nature, it is also mine, for God and I are One. I am also whole, perfect, and complete for all eternity. If God’s nature is an ocean of trust and balance, I too am trust and balance as a droplet in that ocean. As an individualized expression of God, I too am unconditional love, with the same discipline and strength to make the perfect choice always. As God is, so I am also patience, peace, and harmony.

I, Marianne, say the word for myself that discipline and balance comprise the order of my life. I bless and forgive myself for any past indulgences, knowing that everything is perfect, that every lesson was necessary to get me to where I am today. All desires for instant gratification, all tendencies toward laziness are dissolved in the light of truth of my Divine wholeness. All fear of success or failure, of change, or of the unfamiliar is banished from my consciousness and replaced with complete trust. I stand up to claim productivity for myself, as my birthright as a child of the Most High, knowing fully that the expression of my talents is my gift to the world, and I cannot be this beneficial presence without wholeness in every area of my being. With complete self-love, I choose to follow a regularly-scheduled practice of well-being which includes healthy eating, regular exercise, time set aside daily for creative pursuits, and consistent spiritual practice. I choose to put my own well-being first, knowing that I cannot serve God or others when I am not whole. I embrace this commitment to my wholeness, confident that while my ego may mistakenly desire easy surface pleasures, my True Self longs to experience itself as the God qualities of Discipline, Balance, Harmony, and Peace that I am.

I am so grateful and thankful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation of Discipline and Balance as the order of my life to take place.

I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

Embracing My Oneness with Spirit

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Thu, 04 Aug 2016 21:52:00 +0000

The next class I took after Foundations was Self-Mastery. Many of the assignments involved writing spiritual mind treatments, prayers that call positive experiences into being by affirming that God qualities which appear to be lacking really are already present. The prayer plants a seed in Universal Mind - if it is given the sunlight and water of our full attention and trust, it must grow into a beautiful demonstration!

I thought I would post the treatments here to show my progression throughout the course. Feel free to use them yourself if the condition fits!

Spiritual Mind Treatment

Accomplishment of Intention in Taking the Self-Mastery Course

Condition:

I am not always able to feel the qualities of God that I am, particularly joy, prosperity, and love. I am not always able to feel my oneness with Spirit.

Purpose:

I choose to feel and be the joy, love, and prosperity that I am. I embrace my oneness with Spirit.

Qualities of God:

Joy; Love; Prosperity; Oneness; Abundance; Whole, Perfect, and Complete; Patience

There is one Power, one Presence, one Life – and that is God. God is all there is. God is omniscient and omni-present. God is never-ending joy, unconditional love, infinite prosperity, and abundance always. God in its Divine Wisdom is patience – whole, perfect, and complete.

As the awareness, knowledge, and understanding of God’s nature floods my being, I am filled with peace and serenity because I know that this nature is my nature. As an individualized expression of God, I too am joy, love, and prosperity. As a droplet in the ocean that is God, I too am one with everyone and everything - whole, perfect, and complete. As God is patience, I too am patience.

I, Marianne, say the word for myself that all false beliefs of separation, poverty, and lack are dissolved in the light of truth of my being. Guided by indwelling Spirit, I stand up to claim my Divine birthright, embracing my oneness with Spirit and my oneness with everyone and everything. I walk without fear knowing that I am never alone. I choose to feel and be never-ending joy, unconditional love, and infinite prosperity always. As God knows only love and patience, I too know only love and patience, accepting and blessing myself continuously on this journey. I am whole, perfect, and complete, always becoming more and more of my true Self.

I am so grateful and thankful for the opportunity to take this Self-Mastery class, for the anonymous donor who so generously makes it possible for me, for our instructors Candace and Anna Marie who so lovingly facilitate our learning as more and more of our true selves are revealed. I am so grateful for the shift in consciousness that allows this manifestation to take place and for all of the insights and revelations that have brought me to this place thus far. I am so grateful that I am aware, understand, and know the God qualities I am.

I release this word into the Universal Law of Mind, trusting the process completely, knowing that as I do so, it is already done. And so it is. Amen.

The Journey

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Wed, 27 Jul 2016 22:21:00 +0000

Wow! It’s been over four years since I added to this blog. For the last three years, I’ve been deepening into spiritual studies at the Center for Joyful Living in Wilmington, DE. The last two of those years were specialized studies to become a Religious Science of Mind Practitioner. I passed a grueling written exam and am now in the internship phase of my studies, using affirmative prayer in coaching sessions with clients. I’ve come a long way since avoiding eye contact while saying affirmations at Agape! I understand much more about how the Universe works, how my thoughts create my reality. Applying that knowledge, consistently, in a way that makes a substantive difference in my life has been more challenging, but I’ve made definite progress.

I’ve decided to chronicle my growth in this blog, using written assignments and projects from my classes. It’s not a journey for the faint of heart, but well, well worth the discomfort. I unwind, release, expand – peeling away the layers, always more and never less than my true self. If you’re up for it, I’d love to have you join me!

The first class I took was Foundations of Science of Mind, which I cannot recommend enough! I’m actually jealous of people who take it for the first time – the moments of insight and revelation bubbled up from within me like a long dormant geyser, washing me in amazement and leaving me awestruck. It seemed they were coming faster than I could keep track of them! It really was an incredible experience.

I had to work harder for the insights in successive classes – the heart work involved painful investigation into my unconscious beliefs and (in my case) tearful release. The meltdowns took a toll on my work productivity, on my relationship; I’ve had to really practice self-forgiveness. I still trip up on occasion, but I am much, much further along than I was when I started. I’m still moving forward with the journey – it’s much too important to give up on. In fact, it’s all that matters.

This is my final project from Foundations class, the video Ode to Abundance. My niece Noelle is the first voice singing Karen Drucker’s “I Am So Blessed,” and an old friend of mine from college who does professional voiceover work in New York City narrates the poem. (I’m speaking in the beginning.) Enjoy!

Video Kismet in Philly

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Thu, 22 Mar 2012 22:46:00 +0000

“This is my wife, Lyubov.” I looked up at the round-cheeked woman with big brown saucer eyes and shook her hand.

Russkaya, shto li?

“Da, russkaya.”

She switched back into English and I don’t think she even noticed we had exchanged that little bit in Russian. Her husband explained that we were discussing the possibility of working together on some video projects. With his new camera and various equipment, he felt comfortable shooting just about anything. What he didn’t know was how to organize the pieces – what questions to ask, what shots to get, how to edit it all together. I knew how to direct and produce, but I wasn’t too skilled on the technical side of things. We could be a match!

I had attended the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles, and once I moved to Philadelphia, I wanted to find a similar center there. I decided to check out the Center for Joyful Living in Wilmington, Delaware. There were some other centers like it closer to Philadelphia, but the Center for Joyful Living’s website mentioned Reverend Michael Beckwith from Agape, so I decided to start with that one. After the service, I chatted with several parishioners. I was talking to one man about my video production background, when a younger man joined us. When the first man left, Jesus started telling me about his video production ideas and need for a producer partner.

The man was Hispanic Jesus (Khe-sus), but the point was not lost on me that I was standing outside a church service, talking to JESUS about possible video projects. And Lyubov was not only a Russian woman’s name, but also the word for ‘love.’ So I was standing outside the sanctuary, discussing potential creative endeavors with JESUS and LOVE. My angels must really think I’m thick-headed! I had wanted to meet a camera operator I could work with, and then it turned out that this one’s wife was Russian (I speak Russian and lived there for almost eight years) and a relationship coach for single women! God or the universe or whatever higher power is out there has a good sense of humor.

In another serendipitous meeting, I went to buy a desk chair I found on craigslist. The man selling the chair recognized that I had a Los Angeles phone number and asked whether I was an actress. I explained that I had worked behind the camera, directing and producing, and that I had done a little of just about everything in pre-production, on set, and in post-production. He and his business partner had filmed a feature and were trying to get it distributed. Our encounter really amazed me – Philadelphia was not a film town! What were the chances that I’d buy a chair from a filmmaker? We talked for quite a while and exchanged information. Who knows? Maybe some collaborative projects will emerge.

Another morning I woke up and thought that I should check out film organizations that day. Maybe one would have an administrative opening that I could do part-time while I worked on my writing. A position like that probably would not be well-paid, but at least I would be meeting people in my field and learning about film and video projects in my new city. I got on the computer and found the Philadelphia Independent Film & Video Association (PIFVA). As it turned out, they were having a big networking event, ‘Speedcrewing,’ that evening! I signed up. I met a lot of people and hope that we’ll get to work together one of these days.

I’m in Philadelphia a month and a half now, not employed yet, but I’m excited that possibilities keep appearing. I trust that the universe will bring me the opportunities that I need. It’s uncanny how things have worked out so far – I can only hope for more of the same!

Falling Into Love, Gradually

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Sat, 17 Sep 2011 01:58:00 +0000

September. My summer love project is officially over, and I haven’t had any dramatic breakthroughs. I was getting a little discouraged, but I remembered something that Reverend Michael said once in a sermon, that the changes sometimes come gradually, unnoticed until we look back and compare who we were then with who we are now. I decided to continue the project into September, October, November – to fall into love! I mean, if you think about it, love works in any season.

My first experience at Agape International Spiritual Center last January was stressful, particularly doing the affirmations. We had to lock eyes with another parishioner and repeat after Reverend Michael, something like “I see you. I see who you really are. You have potential. I know because I have it too. I see myself in you...” Saying the affirmation wasn’t hard in and of itself; it was the eye contact that killed me.

The first time I did the affirmations, I kept looking away. The next week when I went back, I was determined to hold my gaze as long as the other person did. I was sitting next to a voluptuous young black woman with a lovely mess of black curls and an amazing singing voice. She had introduced herself to me when I first sat down, and I turned to her when the time came to say affirmations with someone. Damn, she did not look away once! She made eye contact look easy! I was floored. Despite my extreme discomfort, I forced my eyes, even as they filled with tears, to stay on hers. I felt such relief when the exercise was over.

Every week I cringed as the Reverend approached the part of the service that called for affirmations. I wondered whether the potential partners on either side of me would be snatched up by others, leaving me to stare straight ahead awkwardly, pretending I didn’t mind being left out. It was the same feeling I’d had in elementary school gym class as I watched the boys circle around and choose their square dancing partners. I always quickly counted our ranks first to see whether there was an equal number of boys and girls, and when there wasn’t, I held my breath in anxious anticipation (while trying to look completely nonchalant) until one of them sat near me. So what if it was the smelly kid who picked his nose (probably a millionaire software engineer today)? I had a partner.

By some miracle, I always did manage to find someone to look at during affirmations. In my fourth month of attendance, I brought a friend with me, someone who had never been to Agape before. Well, I thought, nothing to worry about now. I settled in my seat, happy as a clam. What a relief! When Reverend Michael encouraged us to lock eyes with someone, I turned to her – to the back of her head, her eyes busily engaged with the guy on her other side! I stared in complete shock, recovering my equanimity just in time to catch the eye of a woman from the row in front of me who had twisted around. Afterwards, my friend apologized profusely, but I just laughed. What a wonderful joke the universe had played on me! I was fine, completely able to handle myself during the affirmations. Somehow, without my noticing, the anxiety had gone. I had grown.

I left Los Angeles at the end of April, and leaving Agape was probably the hardest part of all. I had been attending service once, sometimes twice a week, and meeting in a community gathering once a month. The inspiration and support I received had really carried me through the end of my engagement, my move out, my job search, and my decision to move back east. I was incredibly thankful for the opportunity to continue my participation online, but I knew it wouldn’t be the same. I took such comfort from being there in the Agape sanctuary, imbibing the sacred, healing energy. My first month away I bemoaned my loss on an almost daily basis; I felt so confused and alone.

And then – bam! Reverend Michael and Rickie BB were coming to do a presentation in Washington, DC! I could not believe my good fortune! I was in Pennsylvania, but it was only a few hours drive away, and I had a lot of friends I could stay with in the capitol. “You did it!” My friend told me. “You manifested their visit!”

I had the most amazing time at the event, and it was then that I realized how much I had changed. I did the affirmations easily with a woman next to me who kept looking away as she dabbed the tears from her eyes with a tissue. I looked straight at her and smiled the entire time, filled with love and joy. I grabbed the hands of the people on either side of me for the “Blessed Always” closing hymn, even though most of the people in the auditorium were not holding hands. I stood up and clapped to the music whether the people around me were dancing or not. This invigorating experience was being had by a new me, by one who had grown and loosened since her first stiffly formal visit to Agape in January.

I hope that in a few months I’ll look back and be amazed by the difference love has made in my life. I know that it is having an effect; it must be, but I can’t see it now. Sometimes an entire day goes by and I realize that I haven’t tried to be love at all. In my most discouraged moments, I’m not even sure what being love means. I try to remember to ask myself the question Reverend Michael brings up periodically – in this situation, what would love do?

What would love do?

Exactly.

Propeller Miracles

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 19:30:00 +0000

Day 18 of my Summer Love Project. As usual, ideas and insights are coming faster than I can write about them, and as I was away in Florida for almost two weeks with intermittent Internet access, I have some catching up to do here! I am still working on being present, on being love – doesn’t happen all of the time, probably not even the majority of the time, but I do a little every day when I think of it, and I have noticed some subtle changes. Nothing dramatic or earth-shattering, just a little more inner peace every day, an inner glow and happiness more often than before, and a higher tolerance for noise and dysfunction that used to upset me horribly. I’ll take it.

Before I left for Florida, I went over to my brother’s house to do laundry. The dryer at my parents’ house was broken, and there wasn’t time to air dry everything before my trip. My brother and his wife came home with their two little boys before I finished, and the four-year-old, Lukas, wanted to stay and play with me rather than go to the gym with them. I was tired and had a lot to do at home, but I decided to stay and spend time with him. With his Lincoln Logs we built something that vaguely resembled a barn; he put in his toy cow and then went to get some ‘hay’ for him from behind the television, and I told him we needed to leave the cow so he could eat and take a nap.

Now what to do? I found my gaze drifting to the window, searching for my brother’s car. My nephew was rummaging in the toy box. “Aunt Maweeann, could you help me find my plane?” I took a deep breath and came back to the room, to Lukas. I laughed at the spastic way he pulled out the two largest toys and then gave up. I suggested that we remove all the toys, and we found the plane, only two inches long and yellow, at the bottom. “We found it!” He grabbed the plane and turned to me, jumping up and down and squealing with excitement. “Look, one of the pwopellers is bwoken. It still works though.” He spun the plastic propellers with his fingers to demonstrate. There were two on each wing. “It’s not as fast as the other planes because it doesn’t have the pwopeller on the nose.” He pointed to the nose of the plane to show me where the propeller should go for maximum speed.

I spun the propellers with my fingers and was suddenly aware of what a miracle he was. Only four years old, and he knew the word ‘propeller.’ He knew that it was more common to see a propeller on the nose of the plane, and he knew to call it a ‘nose.’ I was filled with amazement as I thought about how much he had learned in only four years. He had learned thousands of words, ideas, concepts. Such a little person, and he already had a pretty good understanding how things worked in the world. What unbelievable capabilities humans have!

****

I started writing this yesterday but didn’t have time to finish it. I couldn’t remember whether Lukas’ toy airplane had two or four propellers, and I wasn’t sure whether they were on or under the wings. This morning he showed up at our house with his plane, the one he’d shown me that day a few weeks ago. I could look at it more closely and depict it accurately in this post. He’d never brought it here before.

Everything really is in time and on time. The universe always provides what is needed.

Starting Summer Love!

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Tue, 02 Aug 2011 20:06:00 +0000

It’s August 2 – day 2 into my Summer Love Project! Reverend Michael at the Agape International Spiritual Center in Los Angeles is always saying that we need to ‘be the light in the room,’ to ‘be love,’ so I decided to make a challenge for myself. For the month of August, I am going to make a concentrated effort to be love. I’m hoping that a month of practice will make it a habit for me.

I can’t say that I totally understand what this means. In general, when I find myself turning inwards and shutting down, closing myself off from others, I think of my niece and nephews. I remember how excited Noelle was to give me a delicate gold necklace with a tiny volleyball charm or how Sage laughed and laughed as he scooped up sand from the sand box and dumped it on his head. My heart fills up with love; I imagine myself hugging all five of them at once, and then I try to breathe into that feeling so that it stays with me in all of my interactions. I’m sure that feeling love for them and gratitude for what they bring to my life helps me by raising my vibrational level. (It must, right?)

I think what Reverend Michael says might mean more though. Last weekend I was at my brother’s house for my four-year-old nephew’s birthday party. I had been looking forward to it, but I found myself, while not having a bad time, wondering when I could go home. I talked for a while to my sister and brother-in-law, and to my parents, and then I was just kind of bored. My brother was grilling; my sister-in-law was busy with her sick toddler, and while I had met most of my sister-in-law’s family before, I didn’t really know them. Except for some small talk when I first arrived and compliments on my salads, none of them went out of his or her way to talk to me or make me feel comfortable.

It was only later that evening, after I got home, that I thought about one of Reverend Michael’s sermons in which he encouraged us to ‘be the light in the room.’ It hit me that for me to ‘be love’ and ‘be the light,’ I would have to go outside of my usual pattern. Why couldn’t I go up to my sister-in-law’s relatives and introduce myself? What was stopping me from going out of my way to make them feel comfortable? If the room was dark, it was up to me to brighten it up! I have to say though, the thought of it makes me cringe a little; it is uncomfortable to step outside of the comfort zone I usually hide in. But it’s the only way to grow and unwind.

Back in 2009 I went to the wedding of a friend of mine from film school. I guess the couple was trying to keep costs down; I wasn’t allowed to bring a date. Another classmate I knew well was also invited, but she decided not to attend. I was debating whether or not to go when a friend of mine encouraged me to do it – come on, weddings are fun! I called the groom and told him I’d be there. I asked him to put me at the table with two other classmates, his good friends I was sure would be there. He assured me that I would be at the fun table.

As I was driving down, I realized that the other two guys I knew were very good friends of the groom’s – doh! – they were groomsmen and sure to be sitting at the bridal table. My stomach sank. I was not going to know anyone at my table. I considered turning around to go home, and then I rallied. Look, I told myself, no one else was allowed to bring a date either, so there will be single people there. It’s a wedding! People were joining together on a joyous occasion; there was no reason to think that anyone wouldn’t want to talk to me. It was a time of love and fun and acceptance. I decided to make it work.

I read once that there are two kinds of people – those who grow up trusting that the world is a safe place, that all of their needs will be met, and those that don’t. I definitely fell into the category of those who didn’t think the world was safe, who waited for the other shoe to drop and were sure that everyone was out to get them. (I’m grossly paraphrasing, but I believe I read this idea in M. Scott Peck’s The Road Less Traveled.) I made a commitment then to trust the world, trust my friend, trust his friends – to believe that I would have a wonderful time at the wedding.

My hunch was correct – the other two guys I knew were at the bridal table. I didn’t let it stop me though. I found my place and announced to the few people already seated that the groom had told me this was the fun table! They whooped and hollered in agreement and brought over a pitcher of margaritas. I had a great time the entire evening.

‘Being love’ is an internal state that needs to radiate outwards. It might take some effort to move and untwist to let that light out, and that effort might very well be uncomfortable. I can stand it. The rewards are worth it.

Home at Agape

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 19:27:00 +0000

In my continuing KLOVE quest to find “heaven in 2011,” I decided to check out the Agape International Spiritual Center in Culver City, near west Los Angeles. Its founder, Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith, was a featured speaker in the film The Secret, and I had always been meaning to attend a service there and check it out.

I got to the 11 am meditation on time, but with all of the people leaving the earlier service and arriving for this one, a good fifteen minutes had passed before I parked and found the center. Once the meditation portion of the service begins, doors are closed until it is over (I learned), so I lined up with the other latecomers along the railing outside the door. After my experience the previous week with the twenty-person congregation, I was amazed at how many people filed into the line. I’m terrible with estimating numbers – 100 maybe? The queue snaked back into the upper parking lot and coiled around and around the maze of temporary line dividers.

I struck up a conversation with a fashionably dressed young blonde woman in front of me who said she had been attending services there regularly for a few years. She described it as very nurturing. To celebrate the New Year, she had joined Reverend Michael and his wife Rickie in a meditation retreat which she thoroughly enjoyed and which she believed had really grounded her for the beginning of the year. I was surprised to learn that despite his worldwide fame and busy schedule, Reverend Michael really was present just about every Sunday to lead services.

Meditation ended and we were allowed into the sanctuary. I suppose it was more like an auditorium than a church, a large hall, wider in the back than in the front, with 3 sections of rows – right, left, and center. Behind the back center section was a platform, a media stand of sorts, with video cameras, a sound mixing board, and other equipment. On the sanctuary walls were paintings in what I call Indian yogi style – swirls of sparkles and bright colors in the tree of life motif or nature scenes. The lights were dim and the atmosphere was serene, even with congregational chatter. On the back of the stage up front (I don’t know whether it would be called an altar) were long silken cloths draped down in triangular patterns from the ceiling, the stage lights setting them off in muted colors of blue, pink, and green. Rows of chairs were set up on risers, and people who I assumed were choir members filled them in. Sectioned off in the left corner up on a platform was the house band with a drummer, a few electric guitar players, and someone on keyboard.

The sanctuary was already quite full, but I found a single seat in the left section towards the back. I sat next to an older black couple holding hands. On my right side was a white couple around my age, the man’s arm around the woman’s shoulders and her head leaning low in his chest. I smiled at both of the men, but neither of them looked particularly inclined to chat, so instead I focused on the large video screens on either side of the stage that flipped through PowerPoint slides announcing upcoming activities.

An attractive black woman with long braids, Rickie Byars Beckwith, or Rickie BB, Reverend Michael’s wife and Agape’s musical director, came on stage and sat down at the piano. She welcomed everyone to the service, including the Live Streamers, who I guessed were people watching online, and began singing. The congregation sprang into life – most people stood up, sang along, clapped and swayed to the music. Some people stayed sitting, so I did for a little bit too, but then I decided I’d be able to see better if I got up. The video screens displayed the words to the songs over live footage of the action on the stage, more like a concert than a traditional religious service. I forced myself to loosen up, to unwind, clapping along, albeit very stiffly. I wondered what my very Catholic grandmothers were thinking as they looked down at me.

I loved the music and movement, full of celebration and emotion. So fun! The featured performer was Niki Haris – it was like seeing Patti LaBelle sing in church! I suppose the closest I could compare the music to was black gospel music, and although the congregation did have a good proportion of African-Americans, it was very diverse. Niki spoke briefly about how she had been a regular member of Agape until she moved to Georgia, Augusta I think. She said she hadn’t really wanted to leave, but it was the best thing to do; that she had been scared, but Reverend Michael had encouraged her which gave her the strength to do it. I teared up as she choked up with gratitude, and several people grabbed tissues from the boxes being passed around. The talent, the love, the spirit flowing through her songs was absolutely incredible.

When Reverend Michael (“the Rev” as he was affectionately called during the announcements of upcoming events) came on stage to begin his sermon, he started by asking anyone at service for the first time to stand up. So I stood, along with several others. Everyone in the congregation held their hands up and prayed for us. It took a long time, forever, and I was extremely uncomfortable, not knowing where to look. An Agape volunteer gave me a “love note,” a welcome from Reverend Michael and the congregation. When I sat down, the man to my right shook my hand and patted my shoulder to welcome me again. It was a little overwhelming. Then the Reverend asked everyone in the congregation to look into someone’s eyes and say some affirmations. Great! I’m here by myself sitting between two couples! I was staring stonily ahead in extreme discomfort, wishing for a rock to crawl under, when the man to my right tapped me on the shoulder and said the affirmations to me. (His significant other had her head down and was breathing deeply which made him available for eye contact with me.) Aarrgghh! Eye contact is hard! I looked away from him several times but made myself come back. I really had a lot of unwinding to do.

In his sermon, Reverend Michael talked about living with vision, creativity, compassion; about oneness with God and being wholly holy. He encouraged us to expand ourselves and our awareness to be all that we could be. He emphasized that our lives were not to be ruled by “once upon a time” but “once upon a choice,” that we could choose to think differently. He warned us that people who follow their dreams were not always popular. He explained the concept of agape – Greek for unconditional love. This didn’t mean that we had to like everyone; he sometimes even found himself thinking, “Heal! Now get out of my face!”

The whole experience was very nurturing and inspirational, spiritual without being from one particular religious denomination. I determined it would be good for me, all of that unwinding and loosening up of my tightly held muscles. I never even smile at strangers! I’m so uncomfortable with any eye contact, smiling, touching, any kind of genuine connection. Time to open up and trust; to get out of my comfort zone. I had thought that I would explore different churches around LA, but I decided to stop with Agape. I found my home.

Agape Spiritual Center on Trazzler

The Search for KLOVE

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Mon, 25 Jul 2011 18:09:00 +0000

Back in December, I was in the awkward position of still living with my ex-fiance after I gave him back the engagement ring. My two good friends Nancy and Karen came out to LA to visit me. Our plan was to take a road trip to Portland, OR, and stop at all of the vodka distilleries we could find on the way. We decided to get a rental car so we could spend a little more time in Portland and fly back. It was a basic rental, no GPS or satellite radio, and we forgot to bring CDs. As we drove along the remote coastal areas of northern CA and into Oregon, the only music we could get was on the aptly named KLOVE, a Christian radio station.

The station grew on us. Thankfully, it didn’t spew fire and brimstone sermons; its message seemed to be one of love and inspiration. “Jesus Saves” was our favorite song, apparently popular with the Christian crowd as well; we seemed to hear it every time we put the radio on. As Nancy said, “You can tell they are Christian pop songs because they have catchy tunes, but you don’t recognize them.” I was dealing with a lot of loss, and the songs did offer comfort, as well as the chance to "raise the roof" with a little car dancing. The song sets featured a heavy predominance of male singers, and we wondered whether the station had a prejudice against female performers. Maybe it was preferred that women stay home with their families? Or maybe more Christian women did stay home with their families and were not as likely to become pop singers? At any rate, it was sweet and funny and serendipitous to hear so much KLOVE on our beautiful drive, with good friends, as we pondered the end of 2010.

In early January, just after I moved out of my ex-fiance’s condo, I had another KLOVE experience, at the dedication for my friend Geibi’s baby. Her family attended Hope Church in Santa Monica, an evangelical church that only baptized adults who had found Christ and were saved. The ceremony for the baby was something like presenting the baby to God and introducing him to the church, not a traditional christening. I knew nothing about evangelical churches and didn't know what to expect, but I decided to go.

The church was simple and tiny, maybe ten rows of pews, with cushions on them, so clearly my friends were not Catholic. There were a few small stained glass windows but no saints or statues. The parishioners were milling around and chatting. My friends arrived and had me sit with a couple they knew; none of our mutual friends were there.

The service started with the Dixie Chicks getting up on the altar to sing KLOVE songs! Okay, they weren’t really the Dixie Chicks, and they weren’t really KLOVE songs since women were singing them, but three young women were up on the altar singing Christian pop songs with cordless microphones. They were wearing fashionable little jackets with scarves and jeans with sparkly beads on the back pockets. They were not dressed identically, though they all did have on the same shade of pink lip gloss. There were two flat video screens up on the wall on either side of the altar with the words to the songs. It was Christian karaoke! (I was itching to request “Jesus Saves.”) They must have sung four or five songs; I was beginning to think that the woman in the center was the pastor and that the whole service would be made up of singing. In between songs, she would cry out, “Thank you, God! We adore you, God! We lift up our hands and hearts to God!” like she was in anguish.

For a woman (me) who grew up in an old, traditional coal mining town on the east coast and had only ever attended staid Catholic services (the ones where everyone lip syncs the words to slow, formal songs accompanied by an organ), this was all completely shocking. I kind of liked it! I forced myself to clap along stiffly, to participate, though I really felt like an observer looking in. I was invigorated by all the energy around me.

There was a man in the front row who was singing along, dancing like he was at a concert, arms outstretched to the beat, hip hop style. He looked to be in his fifties, blonde hair gelled into spikes, and he was wearing plaid pants that tapered at the bottom, pointy-toed shoes, and a bulky cardigan with big buttons. Every now and then he yelled out, “Amen! God is good! Yes!” It turned out that this was Pastor Barry, an Australian. (Had the Monsignor at the church I grew up in danced or dressed like that, I can’t imagine what the repercussions would have been.) Pastor Barry embodied the word passion. He was exceedingly enthusiastic, very charismatic, and hugely inspiring. I prayed for a drop of his energy, in my pinky maybe, so I could get a nudge to do all of the things I had planned for 2011. He quoted a lot from the Bible, Old and New Testament, and talked about it being a new year. He encouraged us to reach for our happiness despite our fear, asserting that God wanted us to succeed. He urged us to let Christ in, but I was contemplating his talk from my own angle of really needing to realize my dreams, to do what I was meant to be doing.

After the baby’s dedication (apparently the first one at that church which had only been in existence for about a year), people went to the altar for prayers. I was thinking that it would be like receiving communion in the Catholic Church, that the pastor would give me something to eat or drink and I’d say "amen" and go sit down. I wasn’t expecting that someone would actually stand over me and pray out loud. (How uncomfortable!) I approached the altar with Geibi and her parents, and a heavy-set Hispanic man with dark hair and dark glasses in a polo shirt and jeans, a lay person, asked me my name and whether there was any particular prayer I wanted. Dumbfounded, I nodded my head no. He took my arm, leaned over me, and started praying.

It was hard to concentrate. Besides my practitioner’s prayer, I could also hear the low rumble of Pastor Barry’s prayer to Geibi and her parents, to my right, and to my left, there was another person being prayed over. The central female singer from the service opening was at the piano singing too, a slow song about God or Jesus in our lives. When Geibi’s prayer was finished, she came over to me and hugged me (the man was still praying over me), which made me cry. She gave me a tissue and then I saw that she was crying too. Then another practitioner who was done praying over people came and stood behind me, touching my back, which made me cry more, just as I was settling down. Goodness! And the man was still praying over me. (Oh Lord, did he sense that I needed it? I was getting embarrassed that I was going to be the last person at the altar.) Finally he nodded that I could go sit down. There was a woman still up there who actually was sobbing, into the chest of the woman praying over her. Quite a few people were pulling tissues from the box being passed around.

I was exhausted, but I felt lighter. I can’t remember the thoughts that were going through my head; I imagine I felt sadness for the end of my relationship and fear over the uncertainty about my future. I was overcome with emotion and touched by the love and support offered to me. I’ve never understood why acts of kindness move me to tears. A place in my soul is stirred, feels honored, loved, probably a little unworthy. Is it a recognition, a connection with another soul that demands an expression of the most sublime emotion, which is tears? Or is it that an atmosphere of love and trust loosens old pain and allows it to be released in the form of cleansing tears? Maybe both?

I was driving around Los Angeles one Sunday morning after a hike, when I noticed how many people were congregated outside of churches and temples that I passed. In a city known for its liberal and often immoral bent, I was really surprised. It hit me that people – most people - were seeking some kind of spiritual satisfaction, and that this was a natural and normal part of the human condition. Certainly in many cases throughout history, religion has been used to control the masses, (part of what turned me against traditional religion), yet the search for God, or gods, or goddesses, the search for a connection with divinity, is hardwired in all of us. I was amazed and humbled by the realization.

Much as I enjoyed the evangelical service, I didn’t think it was quite for me. I decided to check out different churches and religious services around the city, a “search for heaven in 2011.” As I worked towards fulfilling my own innate need to know God, I might also find a like-minded community of people to support me in my faith and help improve my understanding. I might find my own version of KLOVE.

The Good Fairy

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Tue, 19 Jul 2011 00:21:00 +0000

A week or so after I went to see life coach Frank Gjata, my therapist, Sandy Gartin, MA, MFT, (whom I cannot recommend highly enough) read me “The Good Fairy.” It’s by an unknown author. I found it so helpful that I’m reprinting it here; if anyone does know the source, please let me know.

The Good Fairy!

From the corners where the silence remains, there came the urgency to go to a mountaintop and scream out the whole truth. I sent out a prayer to the Universe – “It’s too painful; I can’t take it!” – and she came to me, the power of my mind, the Energy of the universe, in blue like the Good Fairy in the Wizard of Oz, waving a wand.

I sat cross-legged on the floor of my bedroom, looking up, about four years old. She said: “Sweetheart, here’s the deal. There’s too much going on here, and I don’t have the power to make it be gone, to make it be okay, or even to help you cope with it in a way that’s not going to cause you some pain. What I can do, Sweetheart, is help you get through this time now, help you forget it as it is going on. It will come back, but it will come back to you only at a later time, when you’re able to handle it.” So I said: “Okay, because I can’t take it anymore.”

She waved her wand and said: “I am going to send things that are happening into different parts of your body, and they are going to hold them for you like a treasure chest, like a dowry. Your heart, your heart is broken, and I’m going to have to let your rib cage close in around your heart, and let your heart constrict so that you don’t feel the pain of your heart breaking. And I’m going to really tighten up your neck and let it be a fortress with very thick round walls, so that what you’re feeling doesn’t get up to your mouth, and you can’t speak the words. You can’t cry out for help and can’t scream out in rage. And you can’t breathe too deeply to feel what’s going on in your body. And that fortress will keep the knowledge of what’s happening in your body from connecting with your head, so that you will not be fully conscious of what’s going on. And I will tie up your ears, so that you hear but don’t take too much in.”

“I want you to be fairly still as a child and not very athletic, so we don’t interrupt what we’re going to put very carefully in place. And it will stay this way. You will have trouble feeling and being close to people, but it will be your way of surviving. And you, my darling, will be a fairly functional human being in spite of all this pain, because you have a strong mind and you can hold this all in. And I will be helping you. You will not forget everything. You will remember just enough to always know that this happened. And I will leave a voice inside of you that will urge you to reconnect with your whole self, to find this person who you are now, who is calling out for help and whose heart is totally breaking. It may not be clear, this voice! It will manifest as an urge inside of you, but it will be me speaking as I can through your frozen muscles to come back and find yourself.”

“At the right time, maybe your second life cycle, you will begin to open up. It will be a very long process. It may take you as long to heal as you’ve been in pain and in the frozen place. Finally around 40, your muscles will no longer be able to hold all this in. They will begin to give way; you will feel an urgency to do physical work, and that will begin the process of really unwinding your body and releasing what it will have been holding all these years. There will be physical as well as emotional pain in this process. But by then you will be strong enough and old enough to bear the truth, and you will have a network of friends around you, mostly women but some men also, who will hold you, as you find yourself again. As it begins to unwind, you will struggle to relearn the language of your mind/body and come back together wholly. But you will do it, because you are a strong person full of love. I don’t know exactly how it will unfold, but the universe will move you through it. You will have to be very patient, very brave, very courageous, but it will be your training, your firewalk, your healing. And when you are through it, you will be a whole person: new but still the same.”

“Now I want you to go to bed. I will wave my wand, and you will go to sleep, and when you wake up, you will forget I was here. You will forget you asked for help, and you will forget your daily pain. This is the only way I know to get you through this. You are a beautiful child. I don’t know the reasons you have chosen this, but I love you, and the universe loves you, and, in fact, even your parents love you, although they’re incapable of showing it to you. You will have to love yourself enough to heal, so that the last half of your life will be strong and powerful and full of light: the pain will be there, but it will all be in proportion. One day you will have it all again. Until then and for always, I Love You.”

I cried as she read it. (Then again, there wasn’t much that didn’t make me cry in therapy.) I was amazed to find the same message Frank had given me – that will begin the process of really unwinding your body and releasing what it will have been holding all these years. The story resonated with me. I believed that my body had stored up my emotions from childhood, and that now, in my forties, it was time to loosen up and let them out. I paid closer attention to my tendency to tighten up. When I found myself waiting with strangers by the elevator, clutching my purse with both arms, I released my hold and let my arms swing awkwardly. When I found myself sitting with legs crossed, hands tightly clenched under my knees, I relaxed and let my elbows hang loosely at my sides. I took deep breaths more frequently and shook my neck out a little, relinquishing any tension I might be feeling – in my eyes, lower back, legs.

I need to unfreeze all of my muscles so that the old emotions can come out, leaving space for love.

To Tolerate the Temperature of Happiness

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 19:32:00 +0000

A few years back I worked as the program manager for the doctorate program of an acupuncture college. My boss, the director of the program, made it a point to constantly compliment my work, particularly in front of others. Look at this wonderful handout Marianne made, he’d say, waving the paper around. It’s just a handout, I’d mutter, feeling like I was ten years old, getting praised for coloring within the lines. I felt patronized and doubted his sincerity. I couldn’t stand the attention. When I went on a cruise with my ex-fiance’s family, their constant solicitous concern for my sea queasiness made me crazy. My therapist found it amusing that while I’d been craving more attention my entire life, I had such a difficult time accepting it. Apparently the feelings, although generally pleasant, made me uncomfortable because they were unfamiliar.

In my session with life coach Frank Gjata, he explained the happiness thermostat to me. Every individual has a built-in thermostat for happiness – that there is only so much good fortune an individual can tolerate before needing to bring the level down again. If someone has too many things going well, he or she starts to feel uncomfortable, and will usually do something to sabotage his or her success. Apparently, feeling too good is terrifying.

He said that explained why celebrities who seem to have it all are continually implicated in scandals. On a more ordinary level, most people have had the experience of spending a great getaway weekend with a partner only to ruin it by starting an argument on the way home. He advised getting away for a bit after experiencing a close connection with someone – going for a walk or taking a bath, for example – to savor feeling good instead of engaging in the usual destructive pattern. Tension inside the body is usually present before the feelings are identified, so tuning in regularly can help limit the control that emotions hold over behavior.

Writer and speaker Gay Hendricks, president of the Hendricks Institute, also discusses this in his book, Five Wishes. One day he was enjoying some yoga and stretching and started to worry about his daughter. It dawned on him that there was no reason to imagine potential problems when he hadn’t even heard from her. He was hit with a realization: “What if the good feeling itself had given rise to the scramble of anxious thoughts that had flooded my mind? Did I have an upper limit of how good I could let myself feel before bringing myself back down?” He wondered why people would stop the flow of good feelings when they felt them – perhaps they didn’t believe they were worthy of them, or maybe human beings simply never learned how to maintain positive feelings for an extended period of time. Gay told his wife about his insight, and together they examined their lives to find their patterns of conflict. It turned out that difficulties did arise more frequently after feeling good, on Friday when enjoying the end of the work week or Sunday evening after being close earlier in the day.

My ex-fiance used to dry heave early in the morning – after we’d had a really great weekend or evening together. It always confused me that he would feel like throwing up when things were going well – seemed so counter-intuitive. The better the time we had together, the more sure I was that he would be retching the next morning. I was usually right. It didn’t make for a pleasant engagement.

I know that I’m not comfortable with praise or excessive attention, though I’m not aware of what I do to sabotage them. I’m sure I do limit the flow of good feeling in my life, but I’ll have to watch for it and discover my own patterns.

All Twisted Up and Stuck

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Sat, 16 Jul 2011 01:16:00 +0000

Sometime in the fall I signed up for a free consultation with life coach Frank Gjata. He did sessions over the phone, but since he was in the LA area, I went down to see him at his house on Monday, January 3. I was unhappily settled in my new temporary abode after the end of my engagement, and I was determined to start the new year off as soon as I could with some changes.

I told him my situation, explained that I was at a crossroads with no idea what to do with my life. On the one hand, I could stay in Los Angeles. I wasn’t really feeling like I wanted to stay in LA, but then again, maybe I was just upset because of my recent breakup. On the other hand, I could move to Portland. I didn’t think I would like all the rain there, but it would be a lot cheaper than LA. While it did seem a bit grungy for my taste, the city was really beautiful. Or I could move overseas, maybe Europe; a good friend in Germany had invited me to stay for a while, and it would be nice to feel wanted after so much rejection. I hadn’t really loved Germany though the last time I had visited. Perhaps I could go back to Russia, or maybe I could find a well-paying job in some other country that wasn’t even in Europe. Then again, I could move back to the east coast to be closer to my family. I wasn’t sure I could handle the winters after living in Florida and California, but I did miss having seasons.

Frank stopped me. He pointed out that I tilted my head from side to side and gestured from left to right as I announced each possibility and its antithesis. He asked me to stand up and repeat all of my options, moving to a different place in the room for each one. I complied. I could stay in LA. I took a few steps to another spot. I could move to Portland. I walked over a little further. I might go back to the east coast. He asked me to walk more quickly. Travel to Germany. I hopped over a little. Live in Russia again. A few more steps. Back to the east coast. And around again. Stay in LA.

I stopped and turned to him. I’M WALKING IN A CIRCLE. He asked me how I felt. Stuck. I’m walking in a circle and I’m stuck. I was amazed. My physical body was mimicking my inner state. He explained that emotions get trapped in our physical bodies and sometimes when we are confused, doing some movement, some stretches or other physical exercise, can loosen us up so that the answers can emerge. He asked me to bend and stretch, shake out any tightness in my body, to feel which way my body wanted to move. He encouraged me to check in with myself frequently so that I could become aware of any bodily tension early on and address it before it exploded into a negative emotional reaction.

I told him that I felt like a loser. He invited me to adopt a loser persona, to stand the way I thought she would stand and talk the way I thought she would talk. He asked her a number of questions, and it came out that she was unhappy because she felt that no one loved her. She didn’t believe that she deserved to get what she wanted; she felt unworthy of love or of any other gifts in her life. She didn’t believe that anyone could see her good qualities. Is it true that no one sees your good qualities? he asked her. She twisted her head to the side and closed one eye, reluctantly mumbling that, okay, there were a few people who could see them. If you believed that more people saw your good qualities, what could you spend more time doing? She told him that she wouldn’t spend so much time worrying and moping; she could write more, spend more time with her friends, visit interesting places in the city. So you’d spend more time enjoying your good qualities? She had no response to that.

He wondered what she was gaining by being a loser, that there must be some benefit to failing, as she called it, or she wouldn’t do it. I’d gone over that one plenty in therapy, so I was able to help her. I fail in order to get attention from my family. I get some support and concern from them when things go badly for me. When things are going well, I get much, much less, which makes me feel abandoned, unloved, and unimportant.

Last summer when I got engaged, I thought my parents and siblings would be calling me to discuss upcoming wedding plans or my move into my fiance’s condo, but I didn’t hear from anyone for two months. When I finally spoke to one of my sisters, I mentioned our conversation in a blog post in which I debated whether to have a pig roast wedding (my fiancé was Jewish). It was my most successful blog post ever, awarded Editor’s Pick on Open Salon and viewed nearly 4000 times. I thought it was funny. My sister wrote me such a nasty email about it that I stopped all communication with her for nearly four months. My mother (after talking to my sister) sent me a curt email and didn’t send me a birthday card the next month. (Thankfully, my father did, but he sent it to my old address, and I received it three months later). When I emailed my best friend about their reactions, she didn’t respond for a week, and then told me that she didn’t know how she felt about the post. My fiancé worried about what his brother would think. Suffice it to say that, in my mind, success had now been proven to equal complete and utter abandonment.

I felt an overwhelming sense of loss, a searing ache, as if all of my family members had died. The world seemed unbearably large and cold, unforgiving and exclusive. I’d suspected I was unloved, that I didn’t matter to anyone, and now it was confirmed. But I held my ground, and, surprisingly, I survived. Gradually civil relations were restored, and in some respects our communication had improved. When I called my parents to tell them the engagement was off, I was calm, no longer falling apart to get sympathy. I could handle my emotions myself. My sister contacted me, solicitous now that I was down on my luck, but I didn’t need to discuss anything. Improvement – yes. It was, however, five or six months before I could write again, and I knew that fear of another backlash was hindering my progress.

Frank asked me to look at how I was standing in the loser persona. I had both hands on one hip, one leg crossed over the other, and my shoulders were hunched. He pointed out that I was physically all wound up and twisted. My body had done it again. When I sat down, he noticed that I was still holding myself very tensely – legs crossed, both hands gripped together under one knee. (It was a rainy, chilly day, so I was cold, and I wasn’t comfortable with movement exercises.) He imitated my pose, commenting on how much energy it took to hold it. I was in a constant state of tension and didn’t know it. He said I was holding my feelings inside very tightly, and that I had done so for so long, that when they did come out, there would have to be an explosion. I thought back to some of the arguments with my ex-fiance and nodded in agreement.

I told him that getting angry and exploding on someone wasn’t okay. I was crying, so embarrassed and ashamed, so frustrated with my inability to deal with my negative emotions when they were triggered. He told me to forgive myself. He said that anyone in my shoes, who had gone through the life experiences I had gone through, would have felt and acted the exact same way. This did make me feel better. He told me that I had a right to all of my feelings, that I needed to unwind and release them. I had developed wonderful coping mechanisms that had protected me brilliantly! He said that we keep creating situations that will evoke the miserable feelings we are used to – so that we can transcend them. This is a beautiful thing – something to be thankful for. He assured me that loving myself completely, accepting my flaws for the wonderful protection they had provided me, reaching true self-love, were really the only paths to achieve true inner happiness.

Roses on New Year's Eve

noreply@blogger.com (Marianne Ruane) — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 01:00:00 +0000

You know things are not going well when a good friend wishes you to be smelling the roses on next year’s New Year’s Eve. Yes, on the eve of 2011, friends were wishing me strength to make it through the new year so that I could be in a position to celebrate the following year. Right before Thanksgiving I had given my engagement ring back to my fiancé. I had used up my small savings decorating his new condo when I moved in, and my contract job was ending in January 2011. I had no partner, no job, and nowhere to live. What I did have was a lot of grief, sadness, and fear about my future. Not an auspicious beginning to a new year.

When we were together, I wasn’t worried about my contract job ending. I was planning to devote myself to my writing full-time, confident that I would earn a good living at it eventually, and that my fiancé made enough money to support us in the meantime. In hindsight, I see now that I could have done that anyway. I moved into an extra room in a friend’s apartment on January 2, temporarily, at a reduced rent, and I could have been writing this whole time. I am not beating myself up – the person I was at the time of the break up could not have dealt with the situation any differently than I did – but I see now that there is a different way to look at what happened.

I don’t need to worry about my future. I need to do what I love – write – as I had planned, and see where it takes me. If I was trusting my partner to take care of me until I reached financial success, and if he turned out to be not all so trustworthy in the end, can’t I trust God or the universe or whatever all-knowing, all-powerful life force is out there even more whole-heartedly? It’s a big step to take as my bank account dwindles, but what more perfect time to do it than now, when I literally have nothing to lose?