the hello child

not quiet there yet

2010-01-25T18:29:00.000-08:00

dear god,

i want to fit, but having a hard time figuring it out, i want them to like me so what is the big deal. why cant i fit in perfectly anywhere i am trying so hard, why is this happening, help me find a new direction, help me gain my needed tatics please help me and quick. i am sick of being the odd one out... i just want them to like me, and i want to feel the feeling that i belong, all i feel is emptiness now.

why....

2010-01-19T12:42:00.000-08:00

she walks through the hall. thin, beautiful, and smart. everyone looks at her as she walks past, i walk up the stairs, tall and not super thin, i trip up the stairs. i look at my phone: no new messages. i wear the same brands as her, why dont people look at me. i dont have her elegance. in class i am unfocused and sometimes confused. sometimes i am the super smart one, instead of people liking that, they think i am weird. i say something but it comes out dumb. on the occasion that i actually speak up. i think of them and feel anger that they left me like this. what did i ever do. i am not nearly as skinny as her - i think to myself as she passes me. i go to my locker and awkwardly stand at it until the bell rings. group project in class, i work alone, everyone already has their friends. and i never had that. i never had that best friend. the ones i see and wish i had. my mom tells me that i am being unrealistic. but i see it everyday. and i wonder why i am the odd one out. why did they have to leave me so broken, as they think they did nothing. why was i the target. why cant i be skinny, why cant i have so many text messages all the time, why do i have to be awkward and never knowing how to act towards somethings.... why cant i have answers

the broken cry

2010-01-19T12:24:00.000-08:00

through the dark, a small voice. there she sat broken. she tried to be herself, and was pushed away again, she had opened up again, not even all the way, and they turned her away. she was different. i told her that someday they will see her the way she truly is, beautiful, outgoing, fun-loving, energetic, bubbly, and everything else that could even begin to describe her. she looked at me with her lonely green eyes and said: " you lie. they will only push away again, they don't want me no one does. i'm unwanted here. unwanted by everyone... just go." another tear slides down her cheek and she just leans against the wall again, and shuts her eyes as more tears escape. i wish i could say more to her. but the depression and anxiety of life has nearly swallowed her whole. just barely is she still living. a tear runs down my cheek as i leave the room. i promise myself never to give up on her, i wont let her go, never will i let her go. she has so much, but she cant see it.

darkness

2010-01-19T12:09:00.001-08:00

i feel sad, worthless. i have hit a wall, i need help but no providers reach out their hands. i feel alone, i am alone, i missed school, not enough energy to get out of bed. what is wrong with me, why cant i be normal, why cant i fit in with everyone else. i'm the broken puzzle piece that doesn't anywhere. i'm surrounded by the darkness, lying there broken. i have lost my direction in life. i look for help but no help is found. hopelessness is beginning to over come me. i try to fit again against it but it pulls me under. cold, heavy, dark, it takes me under like a harsh wave. i am gasping for air. but the cold dark only pushes harder. suffocating me. i yell for help, but no one comes, what am i to do... i dont know, i think to myself as the darkness settles in for another harsh blow to my mind.... i only hope that someone recuses me before it's too late.

the dreamer

2009-12-28T23:50:00.001-08:00

oh she's a dreamer. she wants to be the winner, the winner at the game of life. the one that is remembered. she wants to be loved by the ones she loves. she wants to be perfect but not perfection. she wants to be noticed, but not when she trips. she wants to be accepted by people around her. she wants to fit in with everyone else. she wants to be normal like everyone else, she doesn't want to be the only one somewhere. she doesn't want to be alone. she wants to do as they do. she is sick of being the weird girl. she just wants to blend in, she wants to fit in. she wants him to like her....

she is unique. she dares to be different. she is the dreamer. she is the artist. she is.

never settle for normal. go beyond. girl you can touch the sky and only be a few feet high.

dont blend in to the crowd. be the odd one out.

never lose you voice. never lose yourself.

because your the dreamer

cry

2009-12-28T22:48:00.000-08:00

...sometimes i just want to cry. i just want to stop time and cry it all out. just give me one day. can we slow down time it's going to fast. i'm getting dizzy slow down the time, things are passing before my eyes. i'm going to cry.

the love letters to you...

2009-12-28T22:09:00.000-08:00

i'll write until i know that i'm on your mind.

i want to say something to you but dont know

how to put it to words...

or how to know your listening.

***

i so constantly lie to myself over you and i feel so ridiculous and so confused. like i dont know whats really happening... *sigh*

***

and i'm the type of girl

that tries not to like you

but in the end i fall

harder for you ♥

... even if i am still trying not to....

it just happens...

*sigh*

.......and now you know,

and now it's out there.

but why you...

..why now...

...... not before....

.... not then.

i have know clue why.

what did you think of me that day in June. i wanna know.

what was it about me.
i'll tell you what i thought.
.....
***
just saying that. can we talk, for real. do you remember, those 3 days.
a conversation.
because i am running out of words.
something that just doesn't happen to me
and ~~you~~ we both know that.
***
what do i say to convince you???

because i'll keep asking, and trying until i do.
and you know i will... you and i both.
***
so just talk. for more than two minutes. a real conversation, between two people, with a history, that wasn't perfect. so just reply please please please. *travels back in time to 2nd grade times* pretty please with a cherry on top. *looks in eyes* a conversation, a real conversation.

oh this boy...

2009-12-28T21:54:00.000-08:00

we play these stupid games, and i get no where near to the place i want to be with you. you make things so complicated and i dont know what to do. i really like you but to tell the truth i dont know how to or how i really feel about you. it's all still a big confused mess running laps in my mind. you are constantly on my mind. i listen to music but so many songs remind me of you and it kills me that i cant figure out how to make you see that i am trying to so hard to make you notice. you think we have a history but you it was something different. but now i am falling for you, and i was trying so hard not to, oh my what do i do. because right now all i know is i cant live with out you. but could i ever. i really wish you would see me as you did before.... but i dont know how to make you look. oh why am i letting myself feel this way for you?

*sigh*

realizing

2009-12-28T19:26:00.000-08:00

~ it's a reliving realization...

i'm telling you now...

2009-12-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

here i will write a lot..... because i think a lot, i dream a lot, i am a lot. so read, i am not going to write a novel for every post, but just a little thought, a small thought.

tiny thing

2009-12-28T17:40:00.000-08:00

oh my honey bunches of oats

the hello child is a reader....

2009-12-28T17:37:00.000-08:00

i hear people these days who say i hate to read. well i dont, unless the book is crap. i want a story, because the the writing on mine is still in progress and untiled. i like the cute love stories and suspense with romance {twilight saga} im not gonna lie because im the twilight nerd

thoughts to type

2009-12-28T16:45:00.000-08:00

so many thoughts, i really wish that i could hook something up to my mind and it would type my thoughts as i thought them. oh that would be nice. if i could that i would have a novel here everyday. oh if only if only. well i guess i will take that time to type some myself, so then they are still there even though the thought has already passed my mind. ~ end thought