Beautiful Disaster

Before you diagnose....

2011-08-11T19:26:00.000-07:00

Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, simply surrounded by assholes."

William Gibson

Dorcus Gustine

2011-05-10T19:38:00.000-07:00

43. Dorcas Gustine

I was not beloved of the villagers,
but all because I spoke my mind,
and met those who transgressed against me
with plain remonstrance, hiding nor nurturing
nor secret griefs nor grudges.
That act of the Spartan boy is greatly praised,
who hid the wolf under his cloak,
letting it devour him, uncomplainingly.

It is braver, I think, to snatch the wolf forth
and fight him openly, even in the street,
amid dust and howls of pain.
The tongue may be an unruly member -
but silence poisons the soul.

Berate me who will – I am content.

- Edgar Lee Masters (1868 – 1950)

A is for Art....

2010-07-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

The painting has a life of its own.

Jackson Pollock~~

This is a picture of a painting created by my 5 year old boy. He's not by any means a prodigy, but I love that it's so uninhibited. To most this might be a brightly colored mess, but to momma it's art (big silly grin).

I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. deMille....

2010-01-22T06:00:00.000-08:00

This is the final scene of Sunset Boulevard, a lovely bit of noir filmed in 1950. The film stars William Holden, Cecil B. deMille and Eric von Stroheim. Gloria Swanson, however steals every scene she's in; you can't keep from watching her--and feeling supremely uncomfortable. If you don't believe me--just watch the above clip...seriously, I dare you. ;0)

What Was Told, That

2009-12-09T19:00:00.000-08:00

What was said to the rose that made it open was said
to me here in my chest.
What was told the cypress that made it strong
and straight,
what was whispered the jasmine so it is what it is, whatever made
sugarcane sweet,
whatever was said to the inhabitants of the town of Chigil in
Turkestan that makes them so handsome,
whatever lets the pomegranate flower blush
like a human face, that is being said to me now.
I blush. Whatever put eloquence in
language, that's happening here.
The great warehouse doors open; I fill with gratitude,
chewing a piece of sugarcane,
in love with the one to whom every that belongs!

Jalalu'l-din Rumi

Questioning....

2009-11-23T19:30:00.000-08:00

"The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

~Albert Einstein

Though I Think not to Think....

2009-11-17T03:29:00.000-08:00

Meanwhile, our hapless heroine....eh, lol. It's 3:01am--no more sleep for me. Sitting here writing this and debating weather I should go catch a glimpse of the Leonids. Probably wouldn't see much from here, but still. Had it just been me, I might have made a run to the hills....gotten away from the city lights. Could have been pretty wonderful--me, a thermos full of hot tea and a ton of blankets. Ah wells--perhaps another time?

Speaking about me (because it's all about me)--this being true to myself stuff is a lot easier said than done. Baby steps? I really just want to run away....just for a little while...

Though I think not
To think about it,
I do think about it
And shed tears
Thinking about it.

~~Ryokan

Or something like that....

Compassion....

2009-11-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

From the Tao....

Compassion is the finest weapon and best defense.
If you would establish harmony,
Compassion must surround you like a fortress.

Therefore,A good soldier does not inspire fear;
A good fighter does not display aggression;
A good conqueror does not engage in battle;
A good leader does not exercise authority.

This is the value of unimportance;
This is how to win the cooperation of others;
This to how to build the same harmony that is in nature.

Let the wild rumpus start!!!

2009-11-06T09:23:00.000-08:00

I Had the pleasure of seeing "Where the Wild Things Are" last night with my partner. I thoroughly enjoyed it! I'd have to say it's not something I'd take my 4 year old to see, as it has it's darker moments. However, I think Spike Jonze did a good job of expanding on Maurice Sendaks book while still staying true to the spirit of the story. I liked how each of the "Wild Things" represented different aspects of Max. I won't go into anymore detail as I don't want to spoil it for anybody else. Suffice it to say I thought it was pretty wonderful. Just this girls humble opinion-

The History Of One Tough Motherfucker

2009-10-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

he came to the door one night wet thin beaten and
terrorized
a white cross-eyed tailless cat
I took him in and fed him and he stayed
grew to trust me until a friend drove up the driveway
and ran him over
I took what was left to a vet who said,"not much
chance...give him these pills...his backbone
is crushed, but is was crushed before and somehow
mended, if he lives he'll never walk, look at
these x-rays, he's been shot, look here, the pellets
are still there...also, he once had a tail, somebody
cut it off..."

I took the cat back, it was a hot summer, one of the
hottest in decades, I put him on the bathroom
floor, gave him water and pills, he wouldn't eat, he
wouldn't touch the water, I dipped my finger into it
and wet his mouth and I talked to him, I didn't go any-
where, I put in a lot of bathroom time and talked to
him and gently touched him and he looked back at
me with those pale blue crossed eyes and as the days went
by he made his first move
dragging himself forward by his front legs
(the rear ones wouldn't work)
he made it to the litter box
crawled over and in,
it was like the trumpet of possible victory
blowing in that bathroom and into the city, I
related to that cat-I'd had it bad, not that
bad but bad enough

one morning he got up, stood up, fell back down and
just looked at me.

"you can make it," I said to him.

he kept trying, getting up falling down, finally
he walked a few steps, he was like a drunk, the
rear legs just didn't want to do it and he fell again, rested,
then got up.

you know the rest: now he's better than ever, cross-eyed
almost toothless, but the grace is back, and that look in
his eyes never left...

and now sometimes I'm interviewed, they want to hear about
life and literature and I get drunk and hold up my cross-eyed,
shot, run over, de-tailed cat and I say,"look, look
at this!"

but they don't understand, they say something like,"you
say you've been influenced by Celine?"

"no," I hold the cat up,"by what happens, by
things like this, by this, by this!"

I shake the cat, hold him up in
the smoky and drunken light, he's relaxed he knows...

it's then that the interviews end
although I am proud sometimes when I see the pictures
later and there I am and there is the cat and we are photo-
graphed together.

he too knows it's bullshit but that somehow it all helps.

~~Charles Bukowski

Ten Pounds...

2009-09-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

So, some how or another I managed to buy 10 pounds of old fashioned oats. That's roughly 110 servings of oatmeal mush. That's a lot of freaking oats. Seriously.

The good news:

It comes in 2 resealable bags.
Our cholesterol worries are over--forever.
We'll be very regular (TMI?).

The Bad news:

I bought ten pounds of oats. Man. That's a lot of oats.

Here's my dilemma, what to do with all these oats? I mean, a girl can only eat so much oatmeal. And I've never been a huge fan of oatmeal raisin cookies (it's hard eating around the raisins). Meatloaf? Bread? I'm sure as shit not throwing them away. When life gives you oats make muffins? Lot's of muffins, and muesli...by the ton.

Someday...

2009-09-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

Someday I might actually write something resembling a post. I might write something fun, creative, meaningful. But not today. Perhaps tomorrow?

Enchanted....

2009-06-07T11:06:00.000-07:00

“There is a garden in every childhood, an enchanted place where colors are brighter, the air softer, and the morning more fragrant than ever again.”

~Elizabeth Lawrence

Width & Depth...

2009-06-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

"You can't do anything about the length of your life, but you can do something about its width and depth."

-Evan Esar

Beauty's been a busy girl. New jobs, new room-mates, new adventures. It's easy to get lost in the day-to-day details of life. It's also easy to lose sight of what really matters. I tend to spend a lot of time focusing on what I lack (college education, larger breasts, social skills, etc.). It seems I'm the only one really keeping an inventory of my myriad faults. The people around me are generally too consumed with their own issues to much notice mine. It also occurs to me that all you can do is your best. In the end life is measured in how you live and love as opposed to what you check off an imagined list of to-do's.

Verse 65....

2009-03-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

From the Tao Te Ching:

verse 65

the ancient masters
didn't try to educate the people
but kindly taught them to not-know

when they think that they know the answers
people are difficult to guide
when they know that they don't know
people can find their own way

if you want to learn how to govern
avoid being clever or rich
the simplest pattern is the clearest
content with an ordinary life
you can show all people the way
back to their own true nature

B is for Boy.....

2009-02-17T05:00:00.000-08:00

There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One is roots; the other, wings

Hodding Carter~~

This is boy (aka: James or Jimmy). Boy is as stubborn, sweet, loud and playful as he is cute. This was taken on our last trip to the Train Museum. I had managed to get him to stand still just long enough to get this picture. The lighting is low, and my photography skills are lacking. However, this photo turned out rather neat (after some tweaking in iPhoto).

Toxic...

2009-02-15T05:00:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest problems I've had with relationships is that the context I approached them from was too narrow. I thought that getting (and keeping) a relationship was the goal. There was little room for growth or flux within the relationship. My idea of love, romance and even casual friendship was rigid and unyielding. Toxic, obsessive "love" was the addiction and my prospective partner was the fix.

I could site a dysfunctional childhood, or weird cultural norms as the reasons why, but seriously--who gives a shit? Here's what I now know:

Love is not a painful obsession. Love isn't about taking hostages (or being one). love isn't all-consuming, isolating or constricting. Believing I can't be whole or truly happy without a partner is ridiculous. Coming from a place of extreme need has lead me to accept abuse, manipulation, dishonesty and perpetual power struggles (ew).

Love is fluid. Love lives and breathes. Love accepts differences and nurtures growth. Love negotiates. love is happy to see us shine.

Just this girls humble opinion....

i carry your heart with me....

2009-02-14T13:09:00.001-08:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in my heart)

i am never without it(anywhere i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done by only me is your doing,my darling)

i fear no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)

and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant

and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Journeys....

2009-01-21T22:01:00.000-08:00

"Journeys are marvelous things, the delight of beholding new cities, the meeting of unknown friends, and the learning of high manners”

Muslih-uddin Sadi--

Random....

2009-01-20T21:09:00.000-08:00

When I clear junk e-mail, I always Imagine the people sending it using one of those porn-name generators. how else could they come up with names like "Scarlet Lemur" or "Starr Summer"? I have to admit--I like "Scarlett Lemur" it sounds like a cartoon character....

It is not a bad thing...

2009-01-18T19:42:00.000-08:00

It is not a bad thing that children should occasionally, and politely, put parents in their place.

Colette--

Milestones....

2009-01-18T07:59:00.000-08:00

Boy turns 4 today--yay!!!! Happy Birthday my Sweet Boy! We'll celebrate with a trip to the train museum and plenty of sugar. More to come later (assuming I survive).....

Because they could....

2009-01-17T20:38:00.000-08:00

Not so typical girls....

and for what it's worth, Patty Smith still rocks....

2009-01-15T06:00:00.000-08:00

"To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight; and never stop fighting”

- E.E. Cummings

Creativity...

2009-01-07T06:00:00.000-08:00

Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

---Scott Adams