Duchess of the Shire

2013-04-22T22:44:00.002+01:00

I guess nothing says more about a relationship than your first argument...

Can you remember what your first argument with your lover was about? Or even the last argument?

It's getting through the heated discussions that counts ~ the anger and resentment will either simmer down or boil over and either way it will be forgotten in the years to come. For I do plan on being in the blonde Esquire's life for years to come, and this first argument will be the first of many, and with every argument will come the apologies, and with every apology will come the promises and then the furore of sweet love making.

This particular argument started because of a hangover. Apparently I need to make better choices and decisions (who knew?) and start being more sensible... In fact, some could say that I need to 'grow up'. And yes, that would be a direct quote from the blonde Esquire's most kissable lips.

What makes the whole confrontation so much worse, is that he is right. I do need some direction and guidance, I need to take responsibility for my actions and deal with the consequences, and I need to learn to say 'no'.

But the more I get told everything that I already know... Well, the belligerent child in me wants to throw her toys out the cot, cross my arms and blow a raspberry.

I couldn't plan what my future holds even if I wanted to, because there are too many variables. I thought I'd have followed my heart back to the Antipodes by now to be with the Captain, or at least continued with my teaching and become a governess.

My life is ruled by inconsistencies and all I have to hold on to right now is that the blonde Esquire may love me, but that is not going to stop him leaving me. I am slowly coming to terms with this, but even I do not know how I shall react when he finally leave and I have six with to contend with myself and the temptations around. There is no other that I want, and I shall strive to be pure; distance is not an excuse, nor time an invitation, but I am only human.

D. S.

2013-04-17T20:22:00.000+01:00

I've been home for nearly two weeks from the blissful reverie that was Rome and I believe I am still most rested and content. For the first time in months I feel I can handle what the future holds, even though there is still a lot of uncertainty as to what direction that may be.

All I know is that I have to cope with the heartache of having the blonde Esquire leave me for the army, to be a soldier, to go wherever he is told. To think that this whole relationship started as a farce, as a joke, and now I wait for the moment that he leaves me, as I left the Captain, with the promise of return... To never forsake what it is we have.

I loved the Captain with an innocent, naive charm; he was a comfort, a tease and so unobtainable I could barely think straight when I saw him. The blonde Esquire is altogether a completely different love. It was unexpected and has been built on a friendship based on trust, despite the tryst he proclaimed to me all those months ago.

The love I feel for the blonde Esquire is something I completely marvel at because I have no idea where it came from as it was not the desired result. We were to end, that was our purpose. Yet now I can think of nothing more terrifying than to have the blonde Esquire leave me, which is exactly what is to happen.

I do not have a choice in the matter. My choice lies with what to do while the blonde Esquire becomes the hero that I know he can be.

Shall I stay with him, learn to cope with the distance and wait for his fleeting return?

Could I really bring myself to leave him when all he is doing is pursuing a soldier's life, making the world a better place?

D. S.

2013-04-10T14:03:00.000+01:00

Roma!

What words are there to describe the city that is the catalyst for western civilisation? I was completely blown away by the size, the gargantuan architecture and the incomparable history that Rome has to offer.

The Colosseo, the fontane de trevi, the Vatican... I was stunned into silence at the magnificence of it all. How can one city hold so much history? I adore that love and passion rule all there is to Rome - mothers, fathers, brother and lovers killing and dying for their right to sovereignty. There is so much to learn from all Rome - despite, or rather in spite of its own trials and tribulations, and a chequered past that can rival no other, Rome has survived its own evils and lives on.

The blonde Esquire and I roamed the streets, discovering tiny back alleys that gave way to churches and halls, columns and fountains, arches and domes. Each of which had its own personal and detailed history, whether by its raison d'etre or because of its creator- Leonardo Da Vinci, Michaelangelo, Gian Lorenzo Bernini.

Falling in love is what walking through Rome feels like; every step and your breath gets snatched away as you fall deeper and deeper into the abyss that is completely beyond your control. I fell head over heels in love with Rome, and the blonde Esquire? He was there, every step of the way, holding my hand, staring into my eyes, wrapping his arms around me as I failed to utter complete sentences, awe struck by Rome.

Darlings if you ever get the chance, go to Rome, fall in love with Rome. It may be my favourite place on the whole Continent, and the fact I got to share every moment with the blonde Esquire only makes me love it so much more.

D. S.

2013-03-31T18:31:00.001+01:00

A glorious Easter Sunday dictates sunnier spring climes and a look to the future. I hope the weekends festivities have not left you longing for more, but have rather sated the deficit of Lent. I am pleased to announce that I succeeded in my aim - not a single (nor pair) of shoes were purchased in the last six weeks, and too did I abstain from overindulging my appetite.

But of course I am now free to invest in the perfect pair of shoes, and indulge to my heart's content.

There is no doubt in my mind that I shall have a spending frenzy when in Rome, for 'when in Rome...'

I have not seen the blonde Esquire for a few days - he was called away to a wedding and I was uninvited. A little put out is all I shall say on the matter, for I know it was out of his control to invite me. And after our rather frank discussion the other day there is no doubt in our minds that marriage is a long way off.

To think that the basis of this relationship started with the bluntest of proposals - albeit a tryst to engage in a rather intrepid game of lies and deceit - has come full circle. I have fallen for him, I do love him, and here I am having to wait for the blonde Esquire's career and life long opportunities to be over before I am put first.

I think I'd worry about it less if I had a goal of my own... I can play the piano, sing and sew, I love children and teaching and am willing to have open discussions about politics. I can make people feel comfortable in any situation and I know how to host a Ball that will be talked about for years to come... But what can I do?

While the blonde Esquire still has a month before he becomes a man at arms and languishes in my bed, I have little time to think of my own future. But I know once he leaves that idle hands are the devil's play thing, and I do not want to succumb to the temptations of the flesh. Therefore, I need a goal. I am ambitious, I want more... But that 'more' has no definition, and I do not currently know how to find it.

I'm hoping that Rome shall be my inspiration... Or indeed if anyone wants to include me in their plans, I'd be most grateful.

D. S.

2013-03-25T20:15:00.000Z

A fortnight is all I have left in the Shire before the blonde Esquire whisks me away to the city of our civilisation's birth; Rome.

I have neglected all but he and I cannot apologise for my absence because he has become my every waking moment.

As I read that sentence I choke slightly on the nauseating optimism that had scarce before left my lips. Never would I utter such honest yet sickly, true but excessive, and almost putrid words of undying love.

Passion, yes. Lust, without a doubt. But love? These are not words that leave my mouth willingly; but whatever the reason, my tongue cannot seem to cease proclamations of joy regarding the blonde Esquire.

The cynic in me rolls her eyes profusely, glaring from behind the glass cage - but it is true - I could not be happier.

Rome!

I wish I had more to tell as I have neglected my writing for so long, but in all truthfulness I have spent my time in the blonde Esquire's arms, listening to his sweet nothings. (Oh Lord, I have started again!)

Party's of course have been thrown - the Duke's sister and I have only a few more months together before she sojourns south for the Summer, so needless to say, there shall be many a raucous festivity before then. Recently time has been spent in doors as the weather continues to ravage the countryside.

Oh... I suppose there is one small piece of information that cannot be overlooked; the blonde Esquire has made his intentions quite clear, it is not marriage he desires, but rather an over zealous lust for war and battle.

He has declared himself a soldier, nay a warrior; a part of his heart longs to fight alongside the cavalry as it can only speak to certain men. These are men who have ideals and a zest for leadership, men whose very nature is both commanding and dispassionate while making difficult decisions. Contrary to those of us who only know how to follow orders, or dumbly refuse to take on the responsibility of other people's lives.

The blonde Esquire has yet to start his training - hence seeking forget-me-not bliss in Rome - but I know that he shall disappear soon. It seems I am destined to forever be abandoned by the men who steal my heart. I cannot and do not begrudge the blonde Esquire from his quest; he is meant to be a soldier, a leader, and I cannot deny him his destiny. But there are no words to describe how much I'll miss him.

No words.

D. S.

2013-03-10T18:48:00.000Z

I have barely left the bedchamber, wrapped in sheets, dripping beads of perspiration, uttering ceaseless moans of pleasure. I cannot repeat any further the misbehaviour that has taken place at my abode, but think no less of me, nor my actions, for the ruse is slowly slipping away.

The blonde Esquire has managed to tame the beast within; I no longer ache for the touch of anonymous lovers, but am more than content with only him. Though this relationship started as a farce, our intentions have twisted and turned and true emotions have crept in between the lies.

I do not know whether his unrelenting honesty as the catalyst of our secret tryst makes me trust him more, or whether I am falling for a man whose every intention was to make me love him, but I do know that I am falling for him.

Four months have passed and I have not looked at another man. At first it was a game, keeping me entertained as I played along with the blonde Esquire's needs. But now? I am anxious when I do not hear from him, we barely leave each other's sides and our families have mentioned words that cannot be unheard - betrothal.

Of course I question whether or not his Mother was in on the ruse from the off, and if it was me that has been played... But I have asked time and time again what it is he wants and I constantly get the same response.

'You. I want you.'

I have been wanted and lusted after by so many men... The English gentleman, the Scottish Earl, the White Knight and they too were adamant in their wanting of me, but I am not fool enough to believe they all loved me. In fact, I can happily admit that their intentions were purely physical, but I cannot deny that mine were all too similar.

But when the blonde Esquire looks at me, I feel his want, his ice blue eyes burn into mine with a desperation that could not be fake; no one could possibly emit a look so loving as he. Besides I have heard all the lies that can be said, I could recognise the empty promises without a word being uttered.

For example, the White Knight played the part of chivalrous second-place oh so well when I first began the blonde Esquire's ruse, but a few months down the line? It seems he was more interested in having me to himself and has long since lost contact entirely. A little bit shocked I was, but the Duke's sister has comforted me in saying he has cut ties with all of his ex-lovers in a similar vein so I ought to think nothing of it. She is right, of course, but my pride hurts, for one always wants to think of themselves as the main attraction, and not as a milieu of courtesans.

However I shall ignore the obvious cry for attention and focus on my happiness. It is true, I am so happy I could burst. I wish the rest of the world could feel my happiness... I don't know what I've done to deserve it, but I shall revel in the joy I feel, for who knows how long it shall last?

D. S.

2013-02-28T18:59:00.000Z

Darlings how did you all enjoy your Valentine's Day? I do hope you were spoilt rotten and inundated with gems, roses and jewels. It may sound shallow, but it is a good measure of a man to know what he'll spend on trifle things.

I had the most wonderful day, and though I know I owe an apology of sorts for my lackadaisical approach to writing of late, I'll let you in on a little secret... It's terribly difficult to write (or indeed think about writing) while being ravished by a blonde Esquire, or indeed with your arms tied behind your back to stop you from scratching what has seemingly become my territory.

Our farce of a relationship has succumbed rather easily to the eagerly beckoning call of the bedroom, and I cannot deny the utter pleasure that I have experienced beneath his gaze. Of course, this does only aid in the pretence to keep his Mother satisfied, but she is not the only one getting anything out of this romance. I've only managed to stay away from the blonde Esquire when called out to visit the Irish Lady of Corcaigh with Belle and her governess.

We recently crossed the Irish Sea and spent a joyful few evenings spinning yarns and dancing to merry jigs without a care in the world. Foreign castles were visited and even a menagerie, where we were delighted with the exotic animals! Belle and I adored seeing each other, no longer living in the North means that our time together is somewhat sporadic (much like my writing) but I do love that we have found the time for each other. Though of course I have to thank Belle's governess who had organised the entire trip without so much of a question! She too was wonderful fun; a more content lady I have yet to meet.

The weekend was perfect, though I have to admit I did miss the blonde Esquire... And from the rap on the door it seems he missed me too!

Adieu ma cherie, mon amour est ici!

D. S.

2013-02-14T22:16:00.000Z

Darlings all the best wishes for Valentines day; the day that revolves around love, yet often leaves a bitter taste in many mouths.

I cannot admit to falling into the latter category, for I wear the largest grin on my face, and cannot conceal the happiness I feel. As I write I can see the blonde Esquire's muscular back, rippled in the evening glow, as he prepares a meal for the two of us to share. No doubt his Mother expects a proposal in the pipeline, however we are taking this faux relationship slowly - it has to be all the more believable when then inevitable end draws nigh.

However, true to his cause, the blonde Esquire has showered me with attention, love and jewellery! Not the order of importance, I promise! How can a girl who delights in diamonds ignore the one that now hangs around her neck without a smile on her face? Shallow? Undeniably. But the gift came from one who has become very dear to me. Even though our relationship is a sham, I can feel a firm friendship between the blonde Esquire and myself. There are no secrets, there are no boundaries; we do not need to bow to social convention as we have the freedom to breathe together.

Our relationship has grown out of a mutual truce and curiosity, and developed into the utmost respect while sating our more carnal desires. There is no intense passion, but rather an ease that ends in our laughing as we lie naked between the sheets.

Valentine's day always causes a few reminiscent thoughts to stray into the foray of my mind; turning back the clocks two years, I remember sitting in the library and writing anonymous love notes and leaving them in the library for anyone to find... Oh my northern life! How it has disappeared into a vague memory in the grand scheme of life. Of course I miss it, but I know deep down it is the Court Jester, the musician, the Gameskeeper and Duchess of Tuthershire that I miss the most.

But today I shall quite happily make do with the blonde Esquire worshipping my every move. He does not claim to love me, we are undeniably keeping within our contract in order to ensnare his Mother in his attempt to court me. We are young, are allowed to have fun and play within the realms of the rules.

D. S.

2013-02-09T23:06:00.002Z

Can you remember where you were a year ago precisely?

Do you find it easy to conjure up the memories, the emotions and sequences of life over the past three hundred and sixty-five days?

I can barely remember the past week, but a year ago today shall never be forgotten.

It was my darling young Captain's birthday, just as it is today. No longer a youth, but a man, and I fondly remember the agonising ceremony from last year. And of course how it led to the introduction of the English gentleman... Which I'd sooner forget.

How far I have come, distance included, and yet I look to go on further. Travels abound and I cannot wait to visit the Lady of Corcaigh with Belle in the coming weeks... I plan to remember that journey for many years to come. Too long have I sat, stagnating as decisions have yet to be made - though of course I should never expect decisions to be at the forefront of my mind.

Do not think I am running away from my life in the Shire, quite the contrary! I am more at ease, and more at home here than I think I have ever been before. Nevertheless, how can one deny the pleasures of a foreign country and the chance to spend time with wonderful companions?

The Shire of course is home to myself and the Duke's sister, to my ladies and gentlemen, and of course to the blonde Esquire. To say he has been most attentive would not be a worthy enough phrase. I lack the candour (for once) to say what it is he provides for me despite of the ruse we have between the two of us.

We have had many intimate meetings, and our show of love beguiles us both as the world begins to believe in it. I have even had the privilege of meeting his Mother... No mean feat. I could see the delight in her eyes as she weighed up my assets; I made an exhibition of wearing some of my finest jewels to entice her further into this matchmaking.

The blonde Esquire has few issues with hiding his true feelings and every moment we spend together, thankfully we are both honest and at ease. However during the over-too-soon private rendez vous, the blonde Esquire talks of all he could and would do if he had the means.

There are poor people in the world struggling for a loaf of bread while I dine on succulent strawberries and think nothing of drinking champagne for breakfast. I am fortunate that the blonde Esquire does not think any less of me, but even though I have seen the world and do not think I am completely naive, I am finding it difficult to assuage the guilt.

It is his honour, his drive and ambition that makes me yearn for something more. But what more is out there?

D. S.

2013-01-28T22:04:00.002Z

Where has my inspiration gone? I can't seem to muster up the energy to write anything of any substance; I have started many posts in the fortnight past but none of which have made me want to give them over to you.

I have learnt many things as January fades in February, I have realised there is a world inside my Shire that I was previously unaware of... My eyes have been opened and my mouth left agape as the blonde Esquire has given me an education I shall never forget.

We spend nearly every day together, our ruse becoming easier to forget as I truly do enjoy spending time with him. He encourages me to think more broadly and gives me experiences I hadn't thought possible...

It was last weekend, nay, even longer ago, that the Duke's sister and I held an evening in celebration of travel. We dressed up in foreign guises as we listened to explorers tell us of their journeys and the treasure they plundered and the adventures across stormy seas. Not only was it wonderful to hear, but it gave my Ladies and I a real thirst for the extraordinary, and Summer plans have been whispered about the Continent, a Grande Tour or indeed a return journey to the Antipodes.

Could I leave once again with no thought to the Shire?

What would it be like to return to the Captain, whose correspondence lessens with every passing week?

I know I shall return eventually, but I don't know if it shall ever be my home. It is said that your home is where your heart is, but it seems I may have a fickle heart.

I am not in love with the blonde Esquire. I know I cannot be for this is purely a scheme to get his Mother off his back and give him the reigns of freedom. I know I cannot love him because there is no chance I could keep him from his own responsibilities. He would not let me fall in love with him, however despite the pretence, there is a growing friendship between the two of us. How could there not be?

He is away in the Capital for a few days hence and though I am not in love with him, I have noted his absence more keenly that I'd have thought. But no matter, it's exactly how I feel when I don't see Armiger or the Court Jester for long periods of time.

In fact it is all the better to have the space as it is his birthday this weekend and I shall spend the whole of tomorrow planning a day for the two of us to enjoy.

Ah, another birthday too nearly slipped my mind, a Northern beauty from my years living up North has come to share her love with us on this special occasion; no doubt this week will include many frivolities and much laughter! I look forward to all the celebrations!

As do I look forward to the return of the blonde Esquire... At least with the void he has left behind I have an evening spare with no excuse but to write!

D. S.

2013-01-14T19:58:00.000Z

I have spent an entire week in the company of the blonde Esquire, championing our seemingly blossoming love for the happiness of his Mother. We have danced and dined and conversed to our hearts content, getting to know each other without the pressure of a destined future.

The blonde Esquire has kept me thoroughly entertained and so far this ruse has been terribly easy to keep up! I enjoy his company, and have learnt many interesting things about my Shire which were previously unknown to me.

Apparently the wealth of the Shire has primarily been through the wool mills dotted around the various villages. We supply the most wool in England and have our gorgeous countryside to thank for that. It had never occurred to me before that my heritage has grown out of something more than just my name! I felt quite ignorant as the blonde Esquire described the labours of the millers.

The winter months are drawing to a close though the weather has got even colder and a sheet of snow has covered the hills that have earned even greater respect from me. It is most pleasing to have the blonde Esquire pay me the utmost tender attention; he does not stray from the story we have begun to weave, though when it is just he and I, sometimes I forget that I'm not allowed to fall in love with him.

His honesty is surprising at the best of times, but as he drifts between discussing philosophical topics to the ways of the world that even I don't understand I cannot fathom what it is in this world that he wants! He berates me for looking at him with questioning eyes, but I do not know what questions I want to know the answer to... I've been given a free reign to plough his mind for any clarification of any queries that I cannot control, but despite his blunt approach I have more questions than answers and I'm a little afraid to give him the opportunity to answer!

Of course, because I felt a little wary about someone I threw myself into the willing arms of another to give my self what I know is a false sense of security. But I think I can be forgiven considering the soft, milk white arms have held and caressed me many times before... The brunette has reappeared for the time being! She pouted mercilessly as I chided her wanton longing but there was very little chance I wouldn't give in to her tender lips and plump bosom.

I still have no thought as to what my future holds; but for now I shall enjoy his company and look forward to a travel afar... Belle has surprised me with a trip across the Irish sea to visit the Irish lady of Corcaigh whom we taught with over the Summer! I have a month to wait until this intrepid journey but I look forward to it with much gusto and refuse to pay attention to the tentative thoughts that stray and think about the blonde Esquire!

D. S.

2013-01-06T11:23:00.000Z

Darlings a wonderful new years tiding to you all! Apologies for the delay in writing this year but my life has been somewhat distracted by the frivolities that have been bestowed upon us by the holiday season!

A time to reflect has already passed me by, and I can confirm that I stuck to most of last year's resolutions, because although I may have let love linger in my heart for the Captain (and of course the White Knight dabbled with my emotions) I have not given my heart away to anyone! Of course, love and lust are two completely different things, for I have not gone an entire YEAR without satisfying my more carnal needs!

At the moment I am home with my Father - Mother has disappeared to console the needing arms of a female compatriot whose husband has left her for another woman - and I need the time to think about the past fortnight, before the blonde Esquire arrives.

New Year's Eve was a perfect night. Belle travelled the many miles to the Shire a few days before and we had the time to talk about our loved ones and gossip and laugh as if no time at all had passed between our previous rendez vous. The Court Jester too journeyed from the City of Dreaming Spires to spend the dawning of a new year with me in my new and more humble abode.

My ladies surrounded me, though the Duke's sister was notably missed, and I hosted the fun, the games, the music and dancing without a care in the world. And yet again the blonde Esquire did not disappoint as he turned up as expected and dazzled and delighted those dear to me. I have not yet shared the secret of our new relationship to anyone... I want to see how this reticent tryst develops under the nose of his Mother, and of course when the inevitable implosion of our allegiance occurs it needs to be as realistic as possible, with no chance of reconciliation.

For now I am to think about the future... Do I want to leave the Shire and travel to the Continent, or even further afield, back to the Antipodes? Do I want to persevere on my quest to find someone worthy of my patronage? Shall I give in to the unwritten institution that is marriage to satisfy my parents and find myself a husband? Or shall I just live day to day, loving life, and expecting nothing but happiness?

I know the latter question begs my own indulgence as life is never easy nor smooth, but at the moment I cannot fault the life I lead... Which I suppose is why I have so many questions. I want more to life, and that is why I know I shall not marry any time soon. Travels intrigue me, but working? This is something so unconventional for someone of my status that I feel I must endure the uncertainty... At least for the time being.

D. S.

2012-12-26T13:33:00.000Z

I do hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas! I know I enjoyed the mulled wine, mince pies, carols and company of my family immensely, even when they are driving me around the twist. It's all a part of Christmas, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Of course I have more to write about than Christmas tidings; the blonde Esquire has kept true to his word regarding his intention to court me; the White Knight seems to have left my life with a noble farewell for the last time; and the New Year is just around the corner!

The past week has been filled with much merriment, and the blonde Esquire has provided the majority of the entertainment. We have dined and danced and dallied with all our spare time in the hope to appease his Mother. I have yet to meet her, but I have heard from the Esquire she is pleased with his progress. I wonder how long we will have to keep up this artificial pretense, but for now I am enjoying spending time with the blonde; we scheme and laugh without a care in the world. It is delightfully refreshing to spend time with someone without having to worry whether or not their intentions are true, or indeed having to behave as expected!

The White Knight however returned and made his purpose quite plain. He is to leave again for some battle abroad but hoped to return to a wife and the mother of his child. I was aghast at his presumption, and told him so quite smartly... We exchanged a fair few words and we both left each other with our egos bruised. I don't know what came over him; I was quite looking forward to his return. How was I to know that it was marriage he wanted?

I have, in the mean time, heard once again from the Captain. It is most sporadic but I do smile when I receive such correspondence. However I fear that time and distance have taken its toll on our feelings for one another. I will always remember him fondly and maybe... In the future? I shan't give up hope completely.

But now I have to plan the New Years Eve festivities (and of course consider my resolutions) and decide what theme, what invitations and what scandals may or may not occur. The blonde Esquire has given me his word that he shall attend as to whatever Ball I may throw, and Belle has written to say she shall join us in the Shire. I look forward to Armiger's company this afternoon and I do hope this, the final week of the year, has fewer surprises than the penultimate.

D. S.

2012-12-19T11:58:00.004Z

Not a day had passed since my last post when I received a long-awaited correspondence from the gallivanting White Knight. My thoughts have been plagued with decisions (something we all know I find troublesome at the very least) and I have busied myself with Christmas antics so as to distract my thoughts.

The blonde stranger took a rather unexpected turn over these past few weeks; I expected to hear very little of him, or from him, but it seems he had other ideas. The very same day the White Knight blasted his presence back into my life after weeks of neglect, the blonde stranger showed up on my doorstep, most impromptu, and stole me away for several hours... What we did, well I shall not share all, but I've discovered his stature and his intentions.

The blonde stranger is of landed gentry, an Esquire of the Shire, who had heard through the rumour-mill that two Ladies had ventured out into the big wide world on their own. At first I was a little tentative, for he kept the truth hidden behind an innocently coy charm, but he was not shy and he kept a most respectful distance (to start off with).

Apparently his Mother had sent him to court either of the Duchesses so as to woo their hearts and confirm a betrothal in order to gain a higher standing in court. I was surprised by his honesty, shocked that his Mother had such a hidden agenda planned out for her son, but after talking it through... It is exactly what every daughter is subject to from the moment she is born.

Of course I asked why he had been so honest with me, I could comprehend his Mother's cunning scheme, but his honesty? That was almost disturbing! Was it just a ruse to get closer to me? How had he made his choice between the Duke's sister and myself? Did he see me as an easy target?

Affronted, I tore away from him, marching down the garden path back to my home, but the blonde Esquire soon caught me in his arms, staring down into my eyes, his hands upon my body felt natural and almost familiar. I attempted to struggle against his firm hold, but to no avail; I eventually had to give up, short breaths escaping from my open mouth in exhaustion.

He smiled at me, and kissed the tip of my nose. Of course I motioned to refute his advances, but he stopped me with a finger held to my lips and said, 'I don't want to marry you. I don't feel the need to increase my social standing. I love my freedom, I love my family, I love my Mother. I don't want to disappoint her by not trying to make you fall in love with me, but I also don't want to run the risk that you may end up getting hurt.'

The blonde Esquire sighed heavily and let me go, turning away from me. I stared at him, willing him to go on, as I tried to catch his eye.

'You could cause me a lot of trouble Duchess, but if you trust me, and I know I'm asking a lot, I do have a plan that may suit both of us.'

He held out his hand, and who am I to refuse the plight of a young man?

It was soon after our rendez vous that I received word from the White Knight, but I am finding it easier to ignore his beckoning. I cannot jump every time he calls my name.

Of course this plan with the blonde Esquire may go awry: we are to start courting in the run up to Christmas, we shall spend time together and appease his Mother in his valiant attempt to gain my heart. But after a few months, we shall have an awful row about another woman he has been fraternising with behind my back and then that shall be all.

Personally I am looking forward to the challenge!

D. S.

2012-12-10T22:33:00.001Z

Oh how I do love the Christmas festivities! Everyone seems to be in such jolly moods and there is goodwill to all men. Of course I am referring specifically to the time spent at the Christmas Ball on Friday night, but I shall get to that, eventually.

I had the most wondrous pleasure of the Court Jester in the City of Dreaming Spires last week; we dined and talked as if no time at all had passed since our last encounter, little realising that over a year had slipped by. We talked of many things, fools and kings, both in our retinue and those further abroad. I do hope we will manage to coordinate our lives accordingly so as to spend more time together than we have done previously.

However upon my return to the Shire, my ladies were all a flutter about the ever approaching Ball. I cannot deny that my heart was in my chest; not only because this would be my first outing as an independent woman, standing on my own two feet, but secondly I'd had another glimpse of the blonde stranger... Intrigued would be such an understatement!

I cannot say what it is that beguiles me, but I am drawn to his 'je ne sais quoi', the knowing smile is ever so tantalising and yet, he does not mean to make it easy for me. I daren't ask his name, for fear that the spell will be broken.

Thinking of brokenness only hardens my heart: I read somewhere that if you are in love with two people you should always choose the second, for if you were truly in love with the first, you would never have fallen in love with the second. As much as I long for the Captain, he is somewhat displaced within my thoughts. I think of him almost carelessly, like the words to a much loved and much heard song; a lullaby that will never be forgotten, but is all too soon grown out of...

Ahh yes, the Christmas Ball. I was on my best behaviour (for a change) and enjoyed the game the blonde stranger played with me; catching my eye and making me blush! The subtle flirtations were rather hushed compared to my more brazen approach, but I do enjoy the chase and the indication of what is to come!

Bewitched, bothered and bewildered am I, for I cannot get the anonymous blonde out of my head, and for some silly reason his every mention makes me smile...

D. S.

2012-12-05T09:25:00.001Z

Hedonism is judged of poor repute by most in society, an over-indulgent, self-imposed, ill-disciplined waste of time. Personally, I don't quite see what's wrong with living for the moment, it doesn't have to be taken to extremes, but I can't understand the necessity to worry about the future when we have very little control over our lives anyway!

Last weekend was wonderful; dancing until the early hours of the morn, challenging our new found neighbours to deplorable acts, sharing stolen moments that cannot yet be repeated and laughing mercilessly at nothing in particular.

The soirée was a little more exuberant than the Duke's sister and I had first intended, but isn't that always the way? It is nigh on impossible to have a 'quiet night in' with friends!! Or at least with the friends that we have!

Our neighbours have easily been included in this circle of familiarity; a Lord and Lady live the closest, and they are somewhat more sensible than the Duke's sister and myself, but I did catch a glimpse of mischief in their eyes as they petted their enormous hound. A gorgeous bitch from the Continent, she contrasts slightly with the smaller pooches I am used to, but she is full of the joy of life, and what's there not to like about that?

Indeed all our guests were most entertaining, regaling tales of the Shire that even I was unaware of! It seems there is scandal wherever you may look, most of it unfounded, but the rumours, gossip and lies are easily spread, like a virus with no purpose other than a cause for destruction.

I feel those who fall in its path for I remember what it is like (after the incident with the Irish cream...) to have rumours follow you; and I can imagine it is only made worse when there is no substance to the truth of it! Those who are pathetic enough to make up rumours surely need to find something more constructive to do with their over active imaginations?

But I shall not dwindle on about untruths for there is something FAR more exciting to talk about...

An invitation to a Christmas Ball!

Who am I to refuse the delectable sights and sounds of the Shire when my name is printed upon gilt paper, tempting and taunting me to go and enjoy myself? Of course I shall attend, I look forward to the company of a blonde stranger from last weekend, and I can't wait to dress up for the festive season.

Indeed I intend to travel to the City of Dreaming Spires today to find a suitable dress and hopefully spend some time with the Court Jester and Armiger!

D. S.

2012-11-29T23:11:00.002Z

Curled up in my bed, staring out of the window of my new home at the vastly different surroundings may take longer to get used to than I'd first anticipated. I have no complaints, no queries, no qualms; I still know I made the right decision, but the house is eerily quiet for just two ladies.

It's most interesting to learn who are those who live closest to us. I've never before had neighbours that I didn't know from childhood, and indeed the closest neighbours that there are to my parents' home are family members! So I am excited to hear about the people living in similar environments to the Duke's sister and myself. From what I've heard there are gentlemen of parallel repute, and indeed there may be a Lord and a soldier or two closer than I expected.

We plan to throw a soirée to introduce ourselves to the area, champagne and tequila (a burning drink from the Continent, to be taken with lemon and salt, of all things!) are a must as I do hope to dazzle and shine as the perfect hostess.

My mind and heart do turn to the Southern hemisphere as I fondly remember my time there, especially as the winter nights draw ever closer and the temperature begins to chill your very bones. I miss the beaches, the late night rendez vous, the passion that the Antipodeans had coursing through their veins. I miss the Captain, with his ever ready laugh and his never-ending enthusiasm for the outdoors, and for constantly trying something new.

I miss his zest for life.

But I do love my life here in the Shire. I love my independence, I love the role I play in society; I love that my decisions are based purely on my wants and needs, with no one to answer to, nor anyone asking for an explanation.

Waking up late, never going to sleep, drinking at all hours and self-satisfaction are my main priorities. Of course, I am still in the process of searching for a worthy artiste to dote my patronage with, but the time will come, and until then I plan to live life as if every day were my last.

D. S.

2012-11-24T20:03:00.001Z

Recently I've had days merge into mere times passing, never having any individual significance of their own; however these past few days have been more than memorable.

As a Patroness I have acquired a certain esteem and prestige that I look to maintain, and the next step was to acquire a household of my own standing without the help of my parents!

Fortunately there was another of my stature who was in a similar predicament; namely the Duke's sister. Together we decided that we would be able to conquer the mounting bureaucracy and effectively trivial but numerous tribulations, instead of fighting on our own.

Of course we were correct. Within days we had found the perfect abode to house the two of us, and only after the papers were signed and the servants unpacked our belongings, were we, or rather, are we able to spend our first night together!

Our aesthetic tastes may differ somewhat, but our personalities are more alike than the Duke's sister would care to admit, and I revel in the thought of the first soirée de maison that we can throw for all our friends and family.

To live without a chaperone, without a husband or family... That is quite the step, especially someone of my reputation (or perhaps because of my reputation) but the Duke's sister has given me the chance to explore my non-existent sensibilities and deep sensualities that I had never before even considered. Somehow, she has managed to conserve her own respectability (despite her behaviour) so she is classed far beneath my level of notoriety, (or is that above?).

Nonetheless, the two of us have a clean slate to start from and I look forward to the next journey of my life immensely.

D. S.

2012-11-19T23:02:00.001Z

What a weekend!

The Gameskeeper, Brewer and musician lived up to every memory I could have possibly had of them while living in the North and surpassed even my expectations. It wasn't all fun and games though as I learned two things over the weekend: All-day drinking does terrible things to you and some people will never change.

Fortunately, I love that the Brewer, musician and Gameskeeeper are exactly how I left them before the Antipodes, it wouldn't have done me any good to know that their lives were all the more richer without me!

I have no sordid secrets to tell however, despite the drunkenness of each and every one of us. 'Fine form' was the catchphrase of the evening, as we swilled away many different ales, each lovingly brewed especially for the occasion. Of course, there were momentary lapses in judgement, for how could I so easily forget what I used to feel for the musician? Nevertheless, I did nothing I regret, nothing that can't be brushed aside as a life experience, confirming to the world who I truly am.

I have often wondered as to who I would be as the years aged me and I supposedly matured, but more than anything I feel exactly the same (just some deviances are slightly less acceptable at four o'clock in the morning) and I wouldn't change anything for the world.

Of course this statement begs the question, 'What about the Captain?'

I have not forgotten about him, and seemingly it seems I have no longer been forgotten! He has finally corresponded in longing to my letter imploring him to make himself useful on his trip to the Shire and it seems that he agrees, or at the very least will have a look at the positions available.

How I wish my heart would leap for joy at this prospect. But I fear I am getting overly comfortable in my Shire, and don't know how we are going to ignore the twelve thousand miles for much longer. One of us would have to make an horrific sacrifice.

But would I be worth the commitment and truly, would either of us be happy away from our native lands?

D. S.

2012-11-14T22:48:00.000Z

I have heard that there are a few who have waited with bated breath regarding the outcome of my Captain's decision... I shall do my best to put you out of your misery, and indeed my own, as I give you the current situation most frankly.

He has not replied.

Nothing. Not even some sort of receipt to let me know he'd received the letter, nor a belated acknowledgement of the time and effort I'd put into devising a letter that seemed hopeful and contained within it a mild suggestion, rather than an outright order.

I know I am being impatient. I know I cannot expect a man of his tender years to understand the plight my heart undergoes every day I do not hear from him, and yet, the strangest emotions dwell within my breast; for I do not doubt his love for me. I only grow impatient with the circumference of half the world between us and an indefinite time frame.

I'm not sure how much longer I can cling to the memory of our love.

Being a Patroness has taken up my time most deliciously, as I am required to while away the hours with talented artistes of the Shire. There is no reluctance in my part to stray away from my duties, and I enjoy the time I have to take to get to know the more creative of my future tenants.

However, I fear that I have neglected certain friends for far too long, especially as it has nearly been a good six months since I have returned to the Shire from the Antipodes. To rectify the situation I have garnered a few favourites and sent messages hence forth, so that the Gameskeeper, Brewer and musician may expect me in their presence within the week.

The mere thought of setting my eyes on their rugged frames and sharing a song or two while drinking the Brewer's finest ale, truly warms me from within; indeed as I close my eyes and remember the days in the North, there is a slow but pleasurable tingle of remembrance that I long to indulge.

Until then I suppose I shall continue behaving myself. Life needs a jolt of surprise every now and again, but my life has been somewhat tame recently. Definitely need someone to spice up my life but who could that possibly be?

D. S.

2012-11-07T12:27:00.000Z

What can possibly be my excuse for straying away from my writing for so long?

Can I claim that a lover has had my senses ensnared in a deviant game of cat and mouse?

Or have I been wallowing in my own self-pity as my loneliness begins to seep in and become a reality?

In truth it is neither of these more romantic ideals; life has just run away with me and writing has taken a back seat. Something I never thought would happen, and today I am determined to make writing the forefront of my goals... For the time being.

What can I say about the time I have spent away? I heard a statement about love, the only true statement I have ever heard in regard to that flimsy state of being...

“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.”

This is not supposed to be a pronouncement of how I am newly in love. You should all know by now that I am in love and have been for quite a while... The Captain still holds my heart even though the time and distance do strain the feelings we have for each other.

I know that we share the same skies, and I am always reminded of his love when it is the time of day to say good morning or goodnight to that burning orb in the sky. But I do not have him near me; I cannot touch him, kiss him or caress him, that I so long to do.

With the sun rising as I know my Captain is laying his head down for the night, I imagine what it would be like if we were together... This longing can only go on for so long. We are only human and though great love stories claim that true love can transcend time and distance, I am determined to have him in my arms before a full year passes without the touch of his lips.

So I have sent him a letter, imploring him to think about his journey to the Shire and be realistic. Of course I want to see him, of course I want him as a part of my life here, but he cannot dawdle and limber on here while I have to go about by businesses. In my eyes I can see only one solution... He takes on a position here in the Shire over our summer.

To me it makes perfect sense to have him around, to keep him occupied and to have him all through the nights by my side. I cannot abandon my work for him for longer than my return journey to the Antipodes and I daren't ask him to loll about without me by his side!

I only hope the letter reaches him in a mood of acquiescence, though I do hate the feeling as if I am telling him how to live his life!

I had the glorious pleasure of Belle over the weekend and we shared many a story about the Convent and the Gameskeeper, musician and Brewer. Not only were we fortunate to meet and converse with ease, but we were joined by another governess, and the three of us drank many a daiquiri and reminisced over the summer. Indeed, they condoned and fully supported my idea for the Captain. I only hope that he understands my perspective...

The White Knight returns over the Christmas period and of course I am looking forward to seeing him, however, I fear he may be wanting more than I had originally anticipated. If that is the case, I suppose I may have to end our friendship, or at least the more physical aspect of our relationship.

The anonymous source of the quote was correct, life is wonderful when you're in love. But at the moment, I am content and enjoy being awake, though my lovers are spread across the world and not within my grasp.

But hopefully, not for much longer.

D. S.

2012-10-26T23:06:00.001+01:00

I have previously ranted about being single, about being independent, about being alone. None of which are perfect synonyms for the other, but they all are to be understood as solitary words. Though it is all too easy to guess which of those words denotes the most negative connotation...

As happy as I am mingling between men, I feel the waters may be muddying somewhat, and I may only just be able to muddle my way through the testosterone filled seas in which I have become stranded!

Love and lust are blurring into a single flame of desire, that is separate from the idyll future I have locked away in my heart. I am a very corporeal being, and prone to giving in to temptation... I have never been one to stray away from self-satisfaction.

For some strange reason, guilt has begun to eat away at me, making me question my decisions.

Even my darling Mother has raised an eyebrow at my gallivanting around the Shire with one man after another, but how can I explain my antics without sounding slightly demented?

I enjoy the company of men. I miss the Gameskeeper, the Brewer, Armiger, the Court Jester, Harlequin and the Foreign Minister more than I ever realised, and they were everything I needed in close friendships. Trying to fuse a non-physical relationship with any gentleman these days is like trying to shod a horse with gold shoes. Near on impossible, and a completely silly concept.

But I refuse to give up on men as friends. Each of those men have kept in touch with me over the years, have listened to my problems as they have unburdened their lives on me. We have laughed and joked, shared tears and moments of great joy... Clearly, there are no others in the world quite like them

Similarly, my Ladies have never been matched in the friendship department, nor would I want that to change. But I do find it disheartening when the new men in my life are apt to getting emotionally attached or, the horror(!), crave a more physical relationship... Maybe there is a possibility I need to tone down my more flirtatious personality traits. But I had hoped, that flirting with men on an equal footing, by treating them all the same, they would then understand that not one of them was overtly special. I enjoy their company, their confidence, their ideas, but I don't want to be seen as a prize princess. I do not want to be fought over.

Should it really be this difficult to be seen as nothing more than a friend?

D.S.

2012-10-23T08:40:00.002+01:00

Of course the departure of the White Knight makes my decision a trifle easier, but there are many distractions in the Shire...

I am not one to sit idly, staring out of windows, pining for love that has not been lost, only postponed... Any longer.

There are many an ardent suitor awaiting my fleeting attention, and it is not wrong to flirt slightly, and give them a glimpse of what they are missing... Is it?

My Ladies of the Shire would of course be appalled by my behaviour, though surely they are getting used to it by now! The Duke's sister is unbelievably one of the most sympathetic to my cause, she understands how much I must care for the Captain, how much I long to be with him and how I would never leave his side once we were reunited. However; the Captain and I have at least another six months of waiting to be in each other's arms. Something she can relate to.

Until then, as I search for an artiste worthy of my patronage, I shall enjoy the company of lords and ladies, of gentlemen and duchesses, of nonsensical suitors and their unsuccessful ploys to win my heart.

Indeed, I shall savour the coming winter's antics, for I fear they may possibly be my last as a 'spinster' - for want of a better word.

It is true though, that a strong, successful, attractive woman over a certain age has to have something wrong with her to still be single. It's never the attitude of men that she has been waiting (I shan't say 'saving herself') for the perfect man, rather than accepting a droll second-rate partner. Darlings, I have been single, by choice now for the best part of half a decade. I can assure you, there is nothing wrong with me.

D. S.

2012-10-16T23:20:00.001+01:00

There is no longer a turmoil in my heart. The anguish I have suffered at my inability to make decisions has come to a rather curtailed end... Or at least a certain semblance of an almost decision has been made.

The White Knight returned somewhat fleetingly over the weekend, to shower me with champagne and kisses and secret trysts coupled with quilted feather bedspreads. Fortunately within the hurried haze of insistent intimacy, there were no lost words of love to fall upon deaf ears. Despite the White Knight's over eager anticipation, we were careful not to cross any emotional boundaries, something that I had feared could possibly occur during his return.

How silly of me to think that he could have actually fallen for me! (Though I do have to admit I am relieved to know I do not have to worry about his emotional well being.)

My heart needs to be guarded by the memory of the Captain. Where to begin on this age old adage that distance and love cannot last? True, there have been times when I have doubted my strength, or indeed his! But the Captain as provided me with the utmost faith in his love for me...

My darling dear, he who is closest to my heart, has written to say that he intends to journey the twelve thousand miles from the Antipodes to the Shire in search of my love!

I could barely believe the words on the page as I read and reread the commitment I had been longing to hear! Of course, the scandal and drama orientated sylph that I am, has since come to my senses... But just to know that the Captain is willing to make that sacrifice for me is enough.

However, deep in my heart of hearts, I know the Shire is not for him. It is too quiet, too tame and lacks the spirit of adventure that he craves (and is one of the reasons I fell in love with him). A visit, yes, I would love to have him here and introduce him to my wonderful Ladies, and Armiger. But our future is not in the Shire... The Antipodes calls my name just as much as the allure of the Captain's whisper, and I cannot ignore it's beckoning forever.

But as much as I love the Captain, I am going to have to reign in his fervour. For our future, however intangible it may well be, is certainly not founded in the Shire.

Though, if and when the time comes, how will I ever have the heart to say goodbye to my family and friends here? I am off to see Belle and the Gameskeeper over the next few weeks and I can think of nothing more heartbreaking to think I may be guillotining them from my future!

Too many decisions to be made... And I barely leave the time to think about my position as patroness! But matters of the heart, hold more weight in my life than current artistic fancies, however droll and frivolous they may be.

So to reiterate one of the few choices I have made; the Captain has my heart, but our future still lolls around like rust-coloured leaves playing a roundabout game of 'follow the leader' in autumnal winds...

D. S.

2012-10-08T22:19:00.000+01:00

Life is never quite what you expect it to be... I can see the lives of my friends straightening out, their ambitions and goals unfolding in front of them, their paths lit with the love of their partners as the future they have chosen is sketched out before them in multi-coloured glory.

I on the other hand am dwindling in monochrome tones of yesteryear, waiting impatiently for the return of a lover, while pining for a nineteen year old half way across the world.

Of course I am referring to the dilemma I have between the White Knight and the Captain. If distance were not an issue then the Captain would be my only option, I love him. I need him by my side more than I care to admit. Of course I struggled with this notion after weeks of not hearing from him, but all he has to do is pick up a pen and write to me and I am once again weak at the knees.

The White Knight returns in just over a week. He too has travelled thousands of miles, but his deployment has many constraints that I could never suffer through willingly. He worships the ground I walk on, and I am never one to deny myself the attentions of a delightful suitor, and if I am being honest with myself, he is more than just a play thing. I do care about him deeply, but I know that I do not love him. He is not the Captain. How could he replace the Captain?

The entire thought is absurd.

My Ladies, as wonderful as they are, seem to have taken it upon themselves to find me an eligible suitor closer to home, one that fits their criteria and is seemingly desperate. I cannot deny the love I have for my friends, and I know they only mean the best for me, but to have at least three different couples try and locate the ideal candidate within their friendship groups, for a prospective suitor for myself, when my heart is already in a turmoil, was completely unnecessary.

Never have I felt like more of a spinster in my life! Why would I want to settle for a second-rate bachelor when I have the love of my life waiting for me, twelve thousand miles away?

Oh, that's why... Because he's twelve thousand miles away.

D. S.