How to Speak Girl

"Are you going to make me?"

2011-08-03T09:34:00.003-07:00

NEVER, let me repeat NEVER, say this to a girl in response to a request she has made unless you want a fight.

Sick

2011-08-03T09:33:00.001-07:00

If a girl is sick, she does not care if her legs are smooth and shaved and neither should you.

Explosions

2011-08-03T09:29:00.001-07:00

Women tend to hold on to things.

They will continue to build and build until everything finally spills out in one massive explosions.

She will let things flow that may have happened weeks ago.

Be prepared.

Unforgivables

2011-08-03T09:27:00.001-07:00

Be warned. There are some words as phrases that you can call your lady love, even in the heat of an arguement, that are unforgivable, regardless of the reason behind saying it. The "b" word is a big one, followed by whore, c**t,.. well, you get the idea.

The Purse

2011-01-08T15:50:00.001-08:00

A girl's purse is her sanctuary. For the most part, it is off limits. Even if she tells you to get something out of her purse, odds are, don't do it. Bring her the purse and let her get whatever out of it. Most girls will find this annoying, but cute.

Another thing to note here is a woman can never have too many purses. They are like shoes. Just get used to it.

Superhuman powers

2011-01-08T15:48:00.005-08:00

Girls have the ability to do more in one hour than a guy can do all day.

Hints

2011-01-08T15:48:00.004-08:00

A girl will drop hints of things she wants and, trust me, she will remember what's she hinted for and she will expect you remember and get it for her. Girls rarely come right out and say what they want.

"Do you think you would have dated her....."

2011-01-08T15:47:00.002-08:00

If having a conversation with your lady love and the topic of another girl comes up (like one of your co-workers or close friends that is a girl) and she asks you if she had not come along would you have ended up dating said person, the answer is hell no. Never, repeat NEVER, say probably not. The word probably indicates that there was a chance you would have ended up with said girl and in your lady love's mind translates to you might dump her for said person.

I Love You, but I'm Not in Love with You

2010-10-24T19:46:00.002-07:00

If there is a list somewhere of the ultimate cop-offs, this should top the list. All this statement does is get you out the relationship without an explanation. If you have dated this girl for an extended amount of time, you owe her some type of explanation. She will agonize over the situation, questioning everything she did to try to figure out what she did wrong regardless of if it was her fault or not.

Girls tend to have selective hearing and will latch on to what she wants to hear. If she has any feelings at all for you, she will only hear the “I love you” part and think that the door is still cracked for reconciliation.

Learning New Things

2010-10-24T19:45:00.005-07:00

If you are trying to teach your significant other a new thing, be patient.

Remember it takes people different amounts of time to learn new things.

Do NOT ever say that an ex or a girl that is a friend that your significant other does not like “got it right away”.

Girls feel like they have to be superior than previous girlfriends and this statement certainly will not do that. It could result in her walking away from said thing and blaming you. (“You just aren’t patient enough to teach me.”) This makes it seem like it was her idea to stop learning said thing, as she still feels superior. It is better to walk away than fail (in her eyes).

NEVER and I mean NEVER EVER suggest to her that you will go get said individual to teach her. Not only is that extremely insensitive to her feelings, but it destroys her self-confidence and it puts her on said person’s level, so therefore she is no longer superior. If you have a mutual friend that can teach her, ask that person. It is easier for her to fail with a friend than with you.

She does not want you to know that she has failed or is not capable of learning the new thing.

Weight

2010-10-24T19:45:00.004-07:00

For the girls out there that have no issues with your weight, I applauded you. For the rest of the girl population who have issues with their weight the following rules apply:

Fat rolls, love handles, etc. are off limits. They are not play toys. Do not grab, poke, play with, etc. Do not make comments like, “More cushion for the pushin’”, “big girls need love too”, “fat a**”, etc. She can make comments like that about herself, but you can’t. Never say these things to her face or to anyone who would go back and tell her.

Always make sure to say things like, “You are beautiful just the way you are”, “I love you just the way you are”, etc.

If her weight is starting to become a health issue, than the topic needs to be approached positively, respectively, and tactfully. Say things like, “I love you and I want to be with you forever and I am scared I’m going to lose you too soon. Please, for us, consider getting help. I am here for you and I will help and support you.”

If she is making an effort, do not eat things in front of her that she cannot have and do not bring things she cannot have into her house. When she exercises, do not make rude comments, even in jokes, about her being gross, sweaty, smelly, etc. She will abandon everything, thinking it is not worth it.

Bad Day at Work

2010-10-24T19:44:00.005-07:00

If your hunnie bunnie comes home and starts complaining about her job, listen. Do not start comparing your job to her job. Your job may be ten times worse and harder than hers, but keep your mouth shut. It’s easier to keep your silence than to have the wraith that will come if you open your mouth. Odds are, she understands how hard your job is and loves you for it, she just needs to vent and wants your understanding and attention.

Buying the Cow

2010-10-24T19:44:00.004-07:00

This phrase should never leave your mouth if there is a girl within 100 yards of you and if you ever want to get laid again this century do NOT say it to your girlfriend, wife, date, etc.

“Did you see the previews for that movie? Would you want to see it?”

2010-08-31T18:44:00.002-07:00

Means, “I want to see it and I am taking the time to mention it to you which means that I want you to take me.”

Wedding

2010-08-31T18:43:00.004-07:00

If you are getting married and she bores you with details and planning, deal with it. She probably has had this day planned and has been waiting for it since the day she could walk. At least pretend to be interested. She will ultimately have it her way, but she still wants to be involved and happy.

Surprises

2010-08-31T18:43:00.003-07:00

Girls love surprises and random acts of love.

Nothing will score you points quicker than surprise flowers sent to her job just because “I was thinking of you”, to have a hot bubble bath waiting on her when she gets home because “I know you had a hard day”, or to have her favorite meal waiting on her.
It’s very easy for girls to feel unappreciated and you have to remind them that you are happy she is part of your life.

I wouldn’t want to miss (insert event) because of me

2010-08-31T18:42:00.007-07:00

Really means, “I really feel bad BUT if I can’t go then you shouldn’t want to go without me.”

If you go without her, get ready. You will get the “Did you have fun without me?” question. To which the correct response is “Of course not! I was miserable without you. I shouldn’t have even gone.”

Throw in an “Everyone asked about you and wondered why you weren’t there”. Regardless if they did or did not say this. This makes her feel like people actually acknowledged she wasn’t there.

The Little Things

2010-08-31T18:42:00.006-07:00

Remember her favorite color, song, etc.

If she takes the time to tell you then you will be quizzed without notice, at random.

Ex-Girlfriends

2010-08-31T18:42:00.005-07:00

Girls can be, well, possessive.

Instead of looking at it in a bad way, think of it as she actually cares enough about you to let other people know you are HERS.

What that being said, as far as she is concerned, she has been the only girl in your life. She will most likely never want to know about your girl friends. If an ex is mentioned, quickly follow it with a “Stupid B—ch” and a “You are so much better than she ever was” and “I am so lucky I found you.” If she asks the “Are you going to say that about me someday?” question, here is how you answer it: “Why would I ever break up with you?” or “Never! You are so much better than any of my ex’s!”

Waiting

2010-08-31T18:41:00.007-07:00

Girls do not like to wait.

They also do not like to be rushed. I realize this is a double standard, but you might as well get used to it now.

If she says be there at (insert time here), then be 5 minutes early. If she isn’t ready, deal with it.

Remember, she is trying to look her best FOR YOU. Rushing here will only result in the “Fine! I just won’t go” fight.

Invest in a game for your cell phone. You will need it.

Cooking

2010-08-31T18:41:00.006-07:00

If you are lucky enough to have a girl that CAN cook, yay for you. If you are lucky enough to have a girl that WILL cook for you, then double yay. If you have a girl that WILL cook but isn’t very good at it, then I am very sorry to say that you will just have to learn to love it or just cook for yourself. DO NOT, let me repeat, DO NOT ever criticize her cooking or make any reference to how it’s not like your mom’s, sister’s, or (for the love of cheap noodles) ex-girlfriend. She will send you running to said person’s house quicker than you can finish getting the words out of your mouth. In her mind, she is thinking, “At least I took the time to cook. I didn’t HAVE to do that!” She may or may not say this aloud.

I can offer you one solution, but you have to be very careful. This has to be about YOU not her. See if there are any cooking classes offered in your area and suggest going TOGETHER as TOGETHER TIME. Stress how YOU want to learn how to cook better and you want HER to go with YOU to spend time TOGETHER. Remember, it HAS TO BE ABOUT YOU. If she makes some comment to the effect of is this because of my cooking say “Of course not” or “no its because I want to learn and I want you to come with me” or “No, I want to learn and I love spending time with you.”

A Girl’s Calendar

2010-08-31T18:41:00.005-07:00

The important milestones in a relationship are 3 months, 6 months, and one year. After the one year mark, it is yearly after that. And, yes, you will need to remember these dates. So, write them down. Now. Go. Right now. Trust me.

“I will write/draw/paint etc you something”

2010-08-31T18:40:00.001-07:00

If you have a talent and you say that you will make something for her, DO IT! She will wait for it and the longer she waits for it makes her girl brain go crazy. She will begin to doubt that you were ever serious and then she will doubt herself and wonder if she is even worth the trouble.

The same can also be said if she makes you something. Even if it’s a glorified stick man, the point is that she took the time to draw you that glorified stick man and you should be happy for it and keep it. She may ask to see it at random and you had better have it easily accessible.

"I wouldn't want you to...."

2010-08-31T18:38:00.004-07:00

Means: “Yeah, I really want you to do it and you should do it without question and/or you should have known to do it without asking.”

Example: (to girl) “Am I keeping you awake?” (Girl) “I wouldn’t want you to have to go to bed because of me.”

Translation: “Yes, you are keeping me away, you stupid, stupid idiot. Stop whatever you are doing RIGHT THIS SECOND and go to bed with me.” This effect will continue to tick if the problem is not resolved. (To girl) “Are you sure I am not keeping you away?” (Girl) “No, I just can’t sleep.” (You should see red flags and hear the lights flashing in your head.) (To girl) “I can go to bed.” (Girl) “No, you shouldn’t have to just because of me.” (This means yes, you have to and do it now.)

"I'm fine!"

2010-08-31T18:38:00.003-07:00

Danger, danger! Nothing is fine and you had better find out quick what is wrong, especially if you are the reason she is “fine.”