Losing it

No wonder they're crazy

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 01:38:00 +0000

Me: JESUS CHRIST, LEAVE THE CATS ALONE!!!
Him: But he WANTED me to carry him down stairs!
Me: No, he didn't.
Him: He asked me to!
Me: *mutter mutter grumble mutter*

Failed Relationship Monday: My 6th grade boyfriend

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:19:00 +0000

We over here at Losing It are implementing a new feature at the beginning of every week: Failed Relationship Monday. It can be about any relationship you've had that's gone down the shitter, be it romantic, friendly or professional. In any case, I hope you'll all join me as we begin our big adventure of peeling back the scabs on relationship wounds that haven't really healed yet. Schadenfreude, people.

Failed relationship: Jason, 6th grade boyfriend

Age: 11

Length of relationship: approx. 1 week

When I was in the 6th grade, my parents had just moved my sister and I across the damn country. We were both spazzy and awkward, but I was more decidedly so (she still got to coast on "cute" as an excuse for a couple more years). I had braces, giant, round glasses and hair that looked like a doberman had chewed me a bobbed haircut, complete with plastic headband. I had a terrible time making friends and spent most of the fall crying at my desk and wondering if it was possible to commit suicide via Elmer's glue.

My only enjoyable time spent at that hateful school was during math class, where I sat next to the gorgeous god, Owen, and his chubby, wise-cracking sidekick, Jason. I had a mad crush on Owen, but because he was super popular, I knew I didn't have a chance in hell (which was further cemented when I curb-stomped his hand on the bus after a particularly painful round of teasing from him), so I'd have to settle for the second best thing: his friend.

Jason was plump with a round face and a mean Kerri Strug victory speech impression (right after she shattered her ankle and still won the Olympics). It was different than the typical 6th grade boy's repertoire of fart jokes, so I was hooked.

When February rolled around, things started to heat up, especially for the socially retarded ones who were desperate to have proof on Valentine's Day that SOMEBODY liked them, aka me. The week before V-day, the flirting with Jason was kicked up several notches, culminating in a 5-piece heart box of Russel Stover's chocolate being shoved into my sweaty little palm during recess on the 14th. I was completely bowled over by this ridiculously romantic gesture, and proceed to peacock around the entire playground, crowing to anyone who would listen that a BOY had given ME a Valentine's Day present. Suck it, you stuck-up bitches (sadly, this "I'll show you, you assholes" attitude would result in me fucking the brains out of anyone in college who would give me the time of day, after being unceremoniously dumped by my boyfriend of 2 years, but that's another blog entry).

Unfortunately, God doesn't like braggers and hates the shit out of all awkward 11-year-olds, so after doing my victory lap around the blacktop, I immediately tripped and fell, spilling the precious contents of my treasured candy box all over the ground. Fuck. Of course, everyone saw, including my beloved, who turned deep red with shame for knowing me and turned away. I frantically tried to scoop the now-gravelly chocolates back into the box, but it was too late. Pride cometh before a fall, and my ass had hit the ground super fucking hard. I attempted to apologize the next day in math class, but Jason would have none of it. I was a social leper.

Of course, now the super-funny sidekick is super-fucking fat, has adult acne and is schtupping some hideous form of mythical woman beast, but that's a small victory for having my barely existent social life completely destroyed in one fell swoop.

Our first Christmas tree

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Mon, 14 Dec 2009 05:01:00 +0000

dislike her much?

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 05:39:00 +0000

[during out conversation on whether or not to spawn, i brought up rob's previous pregnancy experience]

me: what did your ex crave while she was pregnant?
him: ummm, i seem to remember a lot of fast food.
me: oh, that sounds fairly norm---
him: and souls. chocolate-covered souls.

Angry fatty

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:25:00 +0000

(from here)

These are the only people I have to talk to all day

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 08 Dec 2009 05:54:00 +0000

stones, glass houses, blah, blah, blah

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Wed, 02 Dec 2009 05:44:00 +0000

but all that aside, can i just say how much i love facebook for showing me pictures of all the bitchiest girls in school who are now fucking huge and have THE MOST hideous-looking children?

Dear Kit-Kat commercial,

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 01 Dec 2009 05:13:00 +0000

THEY'RE NOT THAT FUCKING GOOD! AND I HATE THAT GODDAMN "CRUNCH" NOISE!

Yes, I asked for a bike. No, I'm not 7.

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Mon, 30 Nov 2009 03:57:00 +0000

This is my Christmas present from the husband. The only catch? I'm not allowed to ride it by myself around the neighborhood. Something about the meth heads getting rape-y and maybe stabbing me.

Looking for the non-white opinion

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 02:38:00 +0000

The latest book we had to read for book club was "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett. Apparently EVERYONE loved it. Except for me. Here's why:

It was written by a white woman who was raised largely by her family's black maid. She wanted to explore the "other side" and write about what it was like to be a black maid in the South during the early 1960's. Much of the book is written from the point of view of two black maids. That's all fine and good. HOWEVER, I think that the way Stockett wrote it smacks of racism. I mean, she has her black characters talking like Mammy from fucking Gone With the Wind. Maybe I'm wrong, but I just have this feeling that there's no way black people in the South speak like pickaninnies, and to have them do so in the book is total bullshit and makes them sound less than intelligent. Oh, and I forgot to mention: one of the maids has all the properties of the "Magical Negro" stereotype (all her prayers for other people miraculously get answered), which is just completely vomitous. Maybe this quote from the Huffington Post can help explain it for me:

Writing for Ms. Magazine, Erin Aubry Kaplan wonders, "Why must blacks speak dialect to be authentic? Why are Stockett's white characters free of the linguistic quirks that white Southerners certainly have?" The Christian Science Monitor notes the same problem, wondering about the "decision to convey only black voices in dialect, with nary a dropped 'g' among her generally less sympathetic Southern white characters."

I posit that, as a white person, you can empathize all you want with the plight of blacks, but you will never, ever, EVER know what it's truly like to be discriminated against, live in fear, be judged by the color of your skin, etc. And to write a book acting like you do is completely disrespectful and insulting to those who actually has to deal with those issues. That's like me writing a book on what it's like to be a Japanese person in America in the 1940's. It's ludicrous.

Unfortunately, the book club ladies think this book was the tits and SO meaningful and SO wonderfully written and SUCH a good book. I need concrete reasons, from people who are NOT white (because they all are) as to why this book is a crock of shit. Otherwise, it's going to be another week of me being the opinionated, loud bitch,

Easy, breezy, Fresh and Easy

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 19:10:00 +0000

About a month ago, I received an e-mail from Kristen over at Motherhood Uncensored, asking if I would want to participate in a Fresh and Easy event at Sur La Table for Phoenix bloggers. After I'd verified that she was indeed real and that she had actually read my blog and STILL wanted me to participate, I said yes, because, really, what the hell else am I going to do as an ~~unemployed person~~ freelance writer?

Fast forward to yesterday morning, when I woke up feeling like someone dropped a house on my face, mostly because Old Man Husband insisted that sleeping with the windows open in 45 degree weather would be good for my humors and blood or whatever. I was still feeling punky in the evening, but decided to put on my big girl pants and go anyways, mostly because there was going to be food. And free stuff.

I am SO glad I decided to go. Not only were all those hours spent sitting on the couch, unwashed, in my pajamas and blogging finally validated, I also met so many amazing bloggers (like Sydney and her food porn blog) who were so sweet and friendly. After being plied with a good amount of liquor, Chef Cindy rang her little bell and attempted to teach us all how to make some recipes using a combo of fresh ingredients and Fresh and Easy shortcuts (didn't you like how I made that sound totally natural and not at all like a plug for Fresh and Easy? Shop at Fresh and Easy! FRESH AND EASY!).

I was lucky enough to be at Vivian (with husband, Arthur) and Kristen's table, where Kristen was the only one sober enough to read the recipe card (thank god she's pregnant!). After we managed to cobble together something that looked remotely like what the recipe said, we got to EAT. And ohmygod, was it ever good. Like, fetch-me-my-silver-wand-I-must-make-room-in-my-stomach good. Oh, and even better, I was lucky enough to be win a raffle prize of sparkling wine and a F&E gift card. How could I not love this event?

I've babbled enough, let's look at some pictures!

Ingredients for one of the recipes we made, cranberry sausage stuffing

Vivian, CUI (Cooking Under the Influence)

Kristen, measuring and cooking

Chef Cindy, showing us how to brine and baste the turkey (it was fucking GOOD)

THE. FOOD.

More food. So, so good.

Dessert. I didn't even use the fork, I just put my face directly on the plate.

I'm a winner!

The schwag. Kittah approves.

Overall, I had an amazing time. Thank you to the fabulous marketing team at Fresh and Easy, Chef Cindy, the wonderful people at Sur La Table and, best of all, the amazing Phoenix bloggers for making last night so great.

(SHOP AT FRESH AND EASY!)

sorry...

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 05:02:00 +0000

to anyone who's here from the phoenix fresh and easy blogger event. this blog isn't all about swear words and bitching, although it is fairly close. for real posts, you might want to start here or here or here.

more on the event tomorrow, which was, in a word, fabulous.

he destroys stupid people, too

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 04:31:00 +0000

It's my party and I'll swear if I want to

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 02:41:00 +0000

I just received world's most uppity message on Facebook from the wife of Rob's friend. This lady is 100% "YAY JESUS" and apparently she was most hideously offended that I, as a Christian, DARED to use the word "fuck" in my status update. She felt that that other Christians would be offended, too, and that, as a Child o' Christ, I'm not portraying Christians in an appropriate light:

Hi Rebecca,
From your posts the last few months, I have noticed that you often use the "f" word. I know you don't want to hear this...but as a Christian..this is offensive to me and other true christians out there who knows that you may be a christian. I know you are human and I know this is your own page and post... I am just thinking about how this reflects about Christ to the world out there.
Is everything okay? Have I said or done anything to offend you? I know you may not want to talk with me ever but I just thought to send you this quick note.
Thanks you...
[Name redacted]

Ok, first of all, I know a shitload of "true Christians" who act like normal people; they swear, drink, fuck, laugh, etc. Religion takes all kinds of people and if I recall, didn't that Jesus fellow say something along the lines of "Judge not, lest ye be judged"? Second of all, who are YOU to decide who is a "true Christian" and who may or may not be offended? Third of all, if you don't like what I have to say, DON'T READ WHAT I HAVE TO SAY. Lastly, what I write is most oftentimes funny, tongue-in-cheek, snarky and/or playful. I'm not railing against the Jews or black people or calling for the disembowelment of small babies. I'm UPDATING MY FUCKING FACEBOOK STATUS.

I didn't bother to respond because the woman is completely ridiculous and arguing with her would be like arguing with a wall. She's so dead-set in her beliefs and moral superiority that me talking to her would be, in her opinion, like talking directly to Satan himself.

I've said it before that older people and my relatives shouldn't be on Facebook and I've gotten in a shitload of trouble for it. So let me amend my statement: If you didn't join Facebook while in college AND just recently joined AND are offended by ANYTHING you see while online, LEAVE. NOW. It's a fucking social network, not bible study, and it's mostly populated by Generation Y, the loudest, most annoying, most foul-mouthed people ever to walk the planet. And we don't have room for thin-skinned, uppity, faux-Christian, judgmental bitches.

I'm in the Becky Club... and you're not

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:34:00 +0000

But if you're a blogger whose name is Becky or some variation of Becky, please contact Becky at Steam Me Up, Kid to be part of the Becky Club section on Becky's blog's sidebar. Also, I'm going to say "Becky" as many times as possible. According to Becky, "We don't ever meet or pay dues, but once we have formed a giant army of Beckys, we'll do something awesome like storm a castle or avenge some injustice somewhere."

Join now!

beyond rude

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 02:28:00 +0000

to everyone who is asking me WHEN rob and i will be reproducing: it is none of your fucking business. we've been married for less than a year. it's between the two of us and ONLY the two of us. if we decide to tell you, then fine. until then, back the fuck off.

New business venture

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 05:29:00 +0000

Doing what every unemployed person does: venturing into the greeting card business. Behold, our holiday selection (more to come): http://www.zazzle.com/reddiwit

Dear GoDaddy.com,

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 23:07:00 +0000

If you're reading this, I'm sorry. But you did ask if I could spin a tale and didn't have a problem with black humor, so you have no one but yourself to blame. Also, I say "fuck" about 90,000 times in this blog. Well, 90,001. Please to enjoy.

meow

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 02:47:00 +0000

is it part of the genetic make-up of a siamese cat that not only are they loud, they're goddamn retarded, too?

not getting my hopes up...

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:45:00 +0000

but i had an AMAZING fucking interview today. i have another a second one on thursday, and if i charm the shit out of them, the job's mine. here's hoping!

zombie number 2

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:22:00 +0000

if anyone wants to know whether or not zombies go to the bathroom, please allow me to direct you to the 2nd floor woman's bathroom, where it smells like a zombie took a giant, liquid shit all over the place. no lie, you can SEE the smell.

it's not like i poop rainbows, but seriously? do it at home, a truck stop bathroom, mcdonald's, ANYWHERE BUT HERE. you're making the baby jesus weep.

i didn't realize it was possible to run away and vomit at the same time, but every day's a learning experience.

fuck, i can't wait to be done at this place.

thighs... burning...

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:05:00 +0000

(while doing the 30 day shred video featuring that cunt from "biggest loser" at the ungodly hour of 5am with rob, who i dragged out of bed)

rob: i fucking hate this! it's so hard!
me: that's what it's called "30 day shred," not "30 day fluffy bunnies." shut it.
rob: ...i changed my mind, i hate you.

needless to say, the next month is going to suck.

welcome to hell

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 16:13:00 +0000

it's going to be 101 today. oh, and our AC unit broke last night. i'd write more, but i have to go unstick rob's balls from the chair.

Coat hanger or tampon?

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 05:07:00 +0000

The best part about being married and unemployed with no real health insurance is getting to play the Oh, Fuck, Am I Pregnant?!?! game Every. Single. Month.

I won another round this month, THANK GOD. No sperm shall be able to impregnate my mighty, blackened, hate-filled uterus!

miracle diet

rjcannon85@gmail.com (Losing It) — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 15:51:00 +0000

no matter how fat you feel, your legs will always look long and amazing and thin with these ralph lauren boots, and they'll look SUPER THIN if you got them on sale.

try not to be jealous.