fantastico

fra-gi-le

2015-05-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

super tenderoni. super sensitive. literally falling apart at the seams.

letting the feelings wash over me/run through me in the hopes of moving forward.

hoping to survive.

week of april 13

2015-04-13T21:56:00.004-07:00

Virgo & Virgo Rising

You might meet a financial limit this week, a threshold that you cannot cross, a pinch in the old pocket. It’s important to respect your financial boundaries at the moment especially when it comes to joint projects and other people’s resources.

There might also be a philosophical boundary that you meet. A situation that demands your patience. There might be a professional boundary that you meet. Something that demands your maturity. There might also be a deepening of your understanding about who you are becoming in the world and who you are meant to be. Something much like publicly accepting responsibility.

Saturday’s new moon occurs in the part of your chart that has to do with what you get from others: money, joint projects and inheritances. If there is some project that you are wanting to start in collaboration with another, this is a new moon to initiate such an endeavor.

This part of our chart also acts as the compost heap of our lives. Letting go is hard to do but necessary if you want to create fertile soil for future growth. If you know that there is something you need to give up or even to loosen your tight grip from, then this new moon would be the time to pray your ass off for help in doing just that.

2015

2015-01-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

as the end of the year of the horse approaches, i am trying to prepare for the year of the goat and all that it may bring.

so many things have happened in the last year that feel like it is a launching off point for me. i am not sure what that all means though and i have an underlying fear that i am not ready to voice. so moving on to what i want this year to be.

i want to move into a place where i am making decisions based on what i want and not from fear of what others are thinking.
i want to continue on my path of fitness
i want to find healthy challenges
i want to have a family
i want to find a job that fulfills me and helps to create a healthy work/life balance
i want to create more art
i want to have a peaceful, harmonious house
i want the strength to let go of things that no longer serve me
i want all my relationships to strengthen and support my personal goals
i want to travel domestically and internationally

we'll see how this all pans out......

flaws

2014-06-18T17:25:00.001-07:00

by bastille

When all of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

A wonderful part of the mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone

All of your flaws and all of my flaws

They lie there hand in hand

Ones we've inherited, ones that we learned

They pass from man to man

There's a hole in my soul

I can't fill it I can't fill it

There's a hole in my soul

Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up; let's finish what we've started

Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned

All of your flaws and all of my flaws,

When they have been exhumed

We'll see that we need them to be who we are

Without them we'd be doomed

There's a hole in my soul

I can't fill it I can't fill it

There's a hole in my soul

Can you fill it? Can you fill it?

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up; let's finish what we've started

Dig them up, so nothing's left unturned

Oooooh

When all of your flaws

And all of my flaws are counted

When all of your flaws

And all of my flaws are counted

You have always worn your flaws upon your sleeve

And I have always buried them deep beneath the ground

Dig them up. Let's finish what we've started

Dig them up. So nothing's left unturned

Oooooh

All of your flaws and all of my flaws

Are laid out one by one

Look at the wonderful mess that we made

We pick ourselves undone

growing into manhood

2014-06-16T20:13:00.001-07:00

becoming an adult has been an intense process. going through a second puberty has been both liberating and confusing. i just want to focus on the 'positive' stuff (the things i like), but the other parts are much harder for me to grasp or focus on. those parts i just want to put into a dark closet and never open. bury it deep. but that will only lead to headaches later.

who am i?
what kind of man am i?
how can i unlearn/heal from past relationships?
how can i resolve my relationship with my father?
will i have a relationship with my dad?
what do i want?
what kind of man do i want to be?
how do i become friends with more men?

how do i even begin to address any of these questions? which one do i focus on first? should i focus on all of them?

being in this state of transition is taxing and exhausting. all i wanna do i sleep and sleep and sleep.

clarity of vision

2014-02-06T21:40:00.000-08:00

so in times when things are really difficult, i want to try to have a clear vision of what i want it to look like on the other side. today, i was fortunate enough to be able to put it together with sand and figures.

personality test take 4

2013-11-09T17:56:00.000-08:00

apparently every so often i need to re-take a personality test to see how/who i am.

and now i am back at being an ISFJ.

ISFJ personality

The ISFJ personality type is perhaps the most altruistic and supportive of all types. ISFJs rarely sit idle – there is always a worthy cause awaiting their attention. Most personalities are quite willing to reciprocate when it comes to good deeds; however, ISFJs take that to a higher level, often going above and beyond what is actually expected of them. People belonging to this type thrive in areas that are both traditional (they are SJs, after all) and involve a lot of activities where their input could make a huge positive difference. Many ISFJs seek careers in the academic sector, medicine, social work or counselling; their personality traits also shine in administrative or clerical roles, or even in somewhat unexpected fields such as interior design.

One of the hurdles that ISFJ personalities are likely to encounter in the professional environment is that it is quite difficult for an ISFJ to “advertise” their achievements. People with this personality type are prone to understating them, which leads to lack of recognition, missed promotions and various misunderstandings. ISFJs should not shy away from revealing how much they have done – not only this would prevent stressful situations, but the ISFJ would become more confident in their abilities and personality traits. It is not sufficient to simply know that you have done a great job – ISFJs also need to feel appreciated in order to remain enthusiastic. The fact that this personality type tends to be less visible than others does not help in such situations either.

ISFJs should also pay more attention to their workload and not hesitate to voice their concerns if it becomes unbearable. ISFJs tend to overload themselves with work, but their kindness is abused just as often as it is respected. As a cynic would say, everyone is secretly an egoist – and the ISFJ personality is the perfect target for those who do not hesitate to use other people for their own gain. ISFJs are extraordinarily loyal, committed and patient – they should make sure that these traits do not expose them to exploitation.

People with the ISFJ personality type often have very good memory and exceptional imagination. These traits can manifest themselves in a variety of ways. For instance, an ISFJ can easily notice discrepancies in someone’s story when the person repeats it again after a long period of time; ISFJs also find it very easy to choose the right gifts for persons they know well; finally, they may have no difficulties whatsoever making and maintaining personal and professional connections simply because they remember so many details about other people’s lives and habits – a very unusual trait for an introvert.

I would like to expand on the last point a bit – even though most ISFJ personalities rarely have any difficulties fitting in and making new friends in the professional environment, they are unlikely to use those connections to advance to managerial roles. ISFJs function best when they work in a close-knit team, when there is no tension between the management and the employees. Some ISFJs even go as far as seeing all their colleagues as semi-personal friends and behaving accordingly. For instance, if an old colleague moves to another department, the ISFJ will definitely consider following their example.

People with this type are known for their meticulousness, patience, reliability and analytical skills. This is quite an unusual combination given that this is a Feeling (F) type, but this is exactly what makes ISFJs so effective. They are unlikely to offer or embrace completely new and radical ideas, or lead a team towards some big goal, but their determination and passion more than make up for it. ISFJs tend to be very traditional and can be expected to defend existing norms and procedures – however, they are not blinded by this and are generally open to change, provided that the new approach does not contradict their inner values and principles.

Despite their effectiveness in the workplace, ISFJs will always put their family first. They will embrace the idea that family members are the most important people in their environment and act accordingly, paying a lot of attention to their needs and desires, surprising them with gifts and offering emotional or practical support when it is needed.

That being said, ISFJ personalities should be aware of their tendency to overdo things, especially in the family environment. As ISFJs always try hard to exceed others’ expectations (especially when they are not sure what those expectations might be), their attention can be somewhat overbearing. Many personality types, especially more independent ones, are likely to get annoyed by this after a while. Furthermore, some personalities are naturally less sensitive compared to ISFJs – their reaction to that care and attention may differ from what the ISFJ would expect. This should not be taken personally – every type is unique and what is pleasant for an ISFJ may not feel natural for someone else.

Some famous ISFJs:
St. Teresa of Avila
Queen Elizabeth II
Robert E. Lee
Queen Mary I (“Bloody Mary”)
Samwise Gamgee from the Lord of the Rings
Bianca from Taming of the Shrew
Ophelia from Hamlet
Dr Watson, the partner of Sherlock Holmes

self care

2013-09-27T20:03:00.001-07:00

so i am really trying to actually take care of myself. eating healthier, exercise, spending time with friends, spending time alone, taking responsibility, learning, and letting go. all that to say....being a grown up is hard work! i started the 5k training app and that was a good kickstart for me to get some movement/exercise in my life. i was going strong for a month and then my birthday hit. that week did me in. overindulged on sugar and foods. i gave myself a week and now it's been almost two. i have managed to still fit in some movement, but not the running. i need to give myself credit for the things i have done. i have fit in some walking, been doing pushups, and today i did the 7 minute workout. 7 minutes, may not seem long, but shit, it got me sweating! the goal is to 'work out' 3 times a week. this week i have gotten 2 workouts in without really trying. so i must be doing something right.

be gentle

2013-06-02T16:30:00.002-07:00

for months now, maybe even years, i have been losing myself. i have gotten lost in my work and stress. i have not had a life. i want a life. i want to enjoy all my time. i want a job that i can leave at the end of the day and not take home with me. i want to travel. i want to make enough money to support my family. i want to connect with friends. i want to enjoy the time that i have. i want to take better care of myself, physically, mentally, spiritually. my goal is that in a year (at the latest), i will be more aligned and happy.

shifting your mind

2013-05-09T11:15:00.002-07:00

how do you change your mind? my coping skills for dealing with stress is limited. i keep coming back to the same way of thinking and it's the circular vortex of insanity i had when i was 18. you would think that 20 years later, i would have learned something new. but it seems that i haven't.

pity party

2013-05-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

it's been really hard recently. i can't seem to do anything right and i doubt everything. i over think and over do, but am not intentional and so i keep fucking up. i feel like i am running around trying to put out fires with a glass of water. and in the end just end up burning myself.

i need to start with me, but somehow i have gotten lost along the way. i hope i can find my way back.

A Few Words on the Soul--Wisława Szymborska

2013-04-11T23:15:00.003-07:00

We have a soul at times.
No one’s got it non-stop,
for keeps.

Day after day,
year after year
may pass without it.

Sometimes
it will settle for awhile
only in childhood’s fears and raptures.
Sometimes only in astonishment
that we are old.

It rarely lends a hand
in uphill tasks,
like moving furniture,
or lifting luggage,
or going miles in shoes that pinch.

It usually steps out
whenever meat needs chopping
or forms have to be filled.

For every thousand conversations
it participates in one,
if even that,
since it prefers silence.

Just when our body goes from ache to pain,
it slips off-duty.

It’s picky:
it doesn’t like seeing us in crowds,
our hustling for a dubious advantage
and creaky machinations make it sick.

Joy and sorrow
aren’t two different feelings for it.
It attends us
only when the two are joined.

We can count on it
when we’re sure of nothing
and curious about everything.

Among the material objects
it favors clocks with pendulums
and mirrors, which keep on working
even when no one is looking.

It won’t say where it comes from
or when it’s taking off again,
though it’s clearly expecting such questions.

We need it
but apparently
it needs us
for some reason too.

shit storm

2013-04-04T19:22:00.001-07:00

when one things falls, apparently everything else goes down with it. i feel like i am in some wormhole where everything shitty that can happen is happening right now. first of all, this started with me recognizing that i need some time off work so i took a few days off this week and planned a longer trip in may. once i took those steps to take care of myself apparently it set off an avalanche of shit.

first i find out my grandma dies. with that apparently my uncles are being complete jerks to my mom and it's all just so messed up. and now all these things are piling up at work and i don't know how to deal with them. i feel like i am responding to things and all my responses are wrong. i know feelings are irrational, but it just feels like right now no matter what i do, it's just not right or good enough.

hopefully this shit storm is a short one.

ending a beginning

2012-12-31T22:50:00.000-08:00

as 2012 winds down, i feel like i have the space to breath and reflect. this year has definitely tested me in so many ways. i have had to grow in my leadership at work, tested my balancing of life/work, my relationship has grown stronger through struggle, and i have lived as myself. it has definitely been one for the books.

my love of myself and for my family, both blood and chosen, has grown leaps and bounds. standing up for myself and asserting myself has been difficult, stressful and fulfilling. as i close out this year, i have come out to my parents as trans, proposed to the love of my life, and feel love for myself. what more could i ask for?

looking forward, i want to continue along my path and along the way have grand adventures. this next year will be a traveling year. i want to leave the country at least once for a nice vacation. i want to get back to doing more artsy things. i want to have grand adventures in the kitchen. i want to keep looking forward and looking back only if it serves my moving forward to building a family, buying a home, and having a wonderful life. here's to 2013 and all the wonder it will bring.

anxious

2012-09-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

so anxious and I don't know what to do. can't eat. can't sleep. sucks.

gremlins

2012-04-21T14:31:00.003-07:00

so last night's dream consisted of me making a crazy new cocktail. it was called a gremlin and i was trying to make it at this party. the drink consisted of shavings of chocolate in champagne. that's it.

so when i woke up i was yelling about gremlins and yelling at the lady to look up that drink online to make sure it was real.

lonely sunday

2012-04-15T19:38:00.001-07:00

most of the time i cherish my alone time. it's time for me to relax and decompress and do whatever i want. today, however, the alone time is making me antsy. yet i can't seem to call someone or go out. i hope this passes soon. i feel like i don't have any close friends anymore. no one i can call at the spur of the moment who will be available to me. i miss that.

movie of my life

2012-04-05T23:10:00.001-07:00

all too often the thought of seeing my life as a movie comes to me. i am so curious about what other people see and think when they see me or interact with me. what life lessons am i imparting on other people? also, what life lessons am i learning? i wanna know what the narrator of my movie would say. also, who's voice is narrating?

crazy pants

2012-03-17T20:59:00.005-07:00

i am going a little nutso. work is super crazy pants and then on the weekends, i feel lost. today i had to go to the office and could have stayed all day doing work. i made myself leave and have been in the house 'relaxing', but it has been unsettling. i have been fidgety and emotional. i don't know what's going on.

cycle skating!

2012-01-31T20:57:00.000-08:00

saving babies

2012-01-31T09:53:00.001-08:00

so last night i dreamt that i saved a baby from some crazy gunman and in the process became/was friends with the criminal minds crew and then we all raised the baby together. weird.

manly man

2012-01-28T12:28:00.000-08:00

it's been a while, and not much has changed. just working my ass of at the day job. but today, i fixed our bathroom door! i feel so handy! in a job where i push papers all day, it's nice to do something handy and feel like i've actually accomplished something. yay manual labor!

nostalgia or exhaustion

2011-10-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

today i feel like i miss my youth. i am remembering the crazy, fun times we had. but now everything has changed. is this what growing up/old is about? cuz this sucks rocks. some of my best friends are no longer around. i feel abandoned. left out. this may just be the exhaustion talking. i am so tired i feel like i could vomit. everything hurts today.

missing piece

2011-10-15T21:43:00.000-07:00

somewhere along the way i have lost some of my dreams. i used to have such crazy ideas and i would act on them and that lead to fantastic adventures and mishaps. these days, i don't have those ideas anymore. i don't do crazy stuff. i am not so carefree and fancy free. i miss the old me. i do like aspects of the new me, but i feel like i am missing some part of me. i need to find that piece of me to feel whole.

apparently this is not the year for blogging....

2011-10-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

i looked at my stats and this year i've only had 8 posts. and now it's october. where does the time go? so much has happened this year, yet so much has also stayed the same. i think the biggest thing has been starting T in june. after that, it seems like the anxiety and stress of living has eased. i'm much more comfortable and confident in myself. so things have evened out. i still need to tell my parents, but other than that glitch, things are moving along. i'm preparing myself to start some sort of 'exercise' thing. who knows. all i know is i'm getting my bike in shape so the next step is for me to start using it.