Laughter is the best medicine

Awful time

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sat, 23 May 2009 14:54:00 +0000

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis.
They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy. "
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Tree Cat is Frightened…

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sun, 10 May 2009 09:47:00 +0000

Where did the White Man go wrong?

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sun, 10 May 2009 06:55:00 +0000

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'
The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'
Then the chief leaned back and smiled. 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

Currency Exchange

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:43:00 +0000

A young blonde, having just returned from a great week-long vacation in India, walked into the local bank and asked about exchanging currency. The teller said he would try to help her.
After she plopped a huge wad of bills onto the counter the teller then counted it, made a phone call, and returned to count out $27.18.
The wide-eyed woman gasped. "You mean to tell me that's all I get for that mountain of bills?"
"I'm afraid so Miss," replied the teller, "that's the current rate of exchange according to our foreign exchange section."
"God damn it" she hissed, "and I gave that cheap f**k breakfast, too! "

Racing car driver

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:41:00 +0000

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face. "What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, What perfect headlights. Then you felt my thighs and murmured, what a smooth finish."
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my p**sy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open?"

Satan

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 14:49:00 +0000

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Blood race

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 14:46:00 +0000

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood.

After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.

As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."

Luck with the girls

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 08:41:00 +0000

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Mate. The potato goes in front!'

Simple Conversation

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 05:14:00 +0000

This is a conversation that took place between (Y) and a marketing guy(X)

X: Which shaving cream do you use?

Y: Jack's

X: Which aftershave do you use?

Y: Jack's

X: Which deodorant do you use?

Y: Jack's

X: Which toothpaste do you use?

Y: Jack's

X: Which shampoo do you use?

Y: Jack's

X: Which socks do you use?

Y: Jack's

X (Frustrated) : Okay, tell me, what is this Jack? Is it an international company???

..

..

Y: No, He is my roommate

Walk this way

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sat, 10 Jan 2009 08:59:00 +0000

Santa Claus bailout hearings

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 08:57:00 +0000

Free drinks

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Thu, 01 Jan 2009 19:50:00 +0000

A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer.
"OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did."
The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.
The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.
The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

Dietitian In Chicago

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:55:00 +0000

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago."

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake!"

Bill

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 17:43:00 +0000

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Aboriginal Style

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 14:36:00 +0000

An Aboriginal bloke goes into a brothel in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a prostitute. He asks , "How much do you charge for DA hour, sister?"

"$100," she replies.

He says "Okay, do you do Aboriginal style?"

She says "No"

"I'll pay you $200 to do it Aboriginal style" he said.

She again says "No" since she doesn't know what Aboriginal style is.
So he then offers her $300. Again she declines his offer.
So finally he says, "I'll give you $500 to go Aboriginal style with me!"

Finally, she agrees, thinking, "Well I've been in the game for over 10 years now, I've been there and I've done that: had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world, how bad could Aboriginal Style be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him - doing it in every kind of way and In every possible position.

Finally, after several intense hours, they finish. Exhausted, she turns to him and says, "That was fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much, but I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the'Aboriginal style' come in?"

The Aboriginal replies "Send DA bill to DA Gub'ment."

Sexy Couple in Pool

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 17:32:00 +0000

Walking

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:35:00 +0000

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.

After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"

Thanksgiving

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:34:00 +0000

One year at Thanksgiving, my mom went to my sister's house for the traditional feast. Knowing how gullible my sister is, my mom decided to play a trick. She told my sister that she needed something from the store. When my sister left, my mom took the turkey out of the oven, removed the stuffing, stuffed a Cornish hen,and inserted it into the
turkey, and re-stuffed the turkey. She then placed the bird(s) back in the oven.

When it was time for dinner, my sister pulled the turkey out of the oven and proceeded to remove the stuffing. When her serving spoon hit something, she reached in and pulled out the little bird.

With a look of total shock on her face, my mother exclaimed, "Patricia, you've cooked a pregnant bird!" At the reality of this horrifying news, my sister started to cry.

It took the family two hours to convince her that turkeys lay eggs! Yep.................SHE'S BLONDE!

Burglary

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 14:32:00 +0000

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Pumpkin Carvings this halloween

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sat, 15 Nov 2008 18:51:00 +0000

Melting Touch

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:52:00 +0000

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.

No matter what; metal, wood,plastic - anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth. Three young princes took up the challenge.

The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was asked, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

(Scroll down for the answer.) x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

They were M&M's!!! - (get your mind out of the gutter !!) Everyone knows they melt in your mouth, not in your hand!

Earth From 31 Million Miles Away

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:51:00 +0000

NASA has released some pictures taken from a spacecraft traveling 31 million miles from Earth. That’s the moon orbiting Earth.

Bees nest

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Thu, 13 Nov 2008 17:42:00 +0000

This was found under the cover of a BBQ grill.

Tracing Hand

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Wed, 12 Nov 2008 16:57:00 +0000

Good Officers

harneet@gmail.com (Harneet) — Sun, 09 Nov 2008 07:04:00 +0000