I'm Living Proof that God Has a Sense of Humor

Even stay-at-home moms can get in shape!

2012-05-30T04:30:00.000-07:00

Following up my last entry about my and hubby’s (abandoned) fitness quest, I decided it was time to get serious. After all, there is no reason a stay-at-home mom with two sets of twins can’t achieve a rocking body. Just look at Cher or Britney.

How hard could it be?

Pretty hard....if you start thinking about how to start and what areas of improvement (read: body parts) to start with.

So why not start with those most visible and ogle-worthy of body parts – breasts. And after having two sets of twins or so (your mileage may vary), these headlights could definitely go for a tune-up.

I may just have found a cheap alternative to a tune up, er, breast lift. Manual breast lifts!

I watched a YouTube video the other day of a big beefy guy wiggling his pectorals. Is that what gives them that shape? Maybe I could try that. Wiggle to the left, wiggle to the right. Rinse and repeat. Do this a few times a day for a month and voila: no more sag problem.

As far as the bumper goes, squats are a cheap alternative to the Brazilian butt lift. Squat over a chair and squeeze a few times daily, and you have a bumper worthy of Brazil.

For overall fitness, it’s not hard to work some cardio into even a stay-at-home mom’s busy routine. Turn on some high energy beats and dance around with the mop. Kill two birds with the proverbial stone: cleaning and cardio.

Old wives’ style wisdom about finding something you enjoy that also produces sweat holds true.

Exercise as a chore never lasts long. Make it something you enjoy and don’t set rules or schedules for it. Making it something you have to do takes the energy out of it. Instead, make it enticing.

If you love to jog, treat yourself to some colorful workout gear, and browse ITunes for some inspiring iPod beats. Do the same for cardio. Put your shoes and other gear out ready to go. These items can’t call for you if they're in the closet.

Getting the kids involved makes finding the time easier. Take them jogging or to the park. Skating or sight-seeing is always fun as well as calorie-busting.

It’s tough getting back into shape as a stay-at-home mom. So, ditch the rules and make it fun. We deserve it! Our headlights and bumpers may just thank us by shining bright once again!

This post was written in collaboration with Megan Quinley.

Never underestimate the power of....jumping cats??

2012-05-29T04:30:00.000-07:00

Recently, my father-in-law sent me a cute e-mail in which a teacher gave her 1st grade students the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb, in their own words.

Of course, my first thought was, "This would make for an awesome blog post!" and I asked my kids to complete the same proverbs...just knowing it would be absolutely entertaining!

Here's what they come up with....

Don't change horses....until they want to be changed.

Strike while the...umpire isn't looking.

It's always darkest before....8:41 pm

Never underestimate the power of....jumping cats.

You can lead a horse to water but...make sure it doesn't kick the water bucket.

Don't bite the hand...that your cat licked.

No news is...that you didn't pay for the newspaper so that's why you have no news.

A miss is as good as a....Mrs.

You can't teach an old dog....to not pee on the carpet.

If you lie down with dogs...you'll get sick.

Love all, trust....your mother.

The pen is mightier than the...permanent marker.

An idle mind is....so boring.

Where there's smoke there's....some stupid kid who played with matches.

Happy the bride who...gets to eat cake and open presents.

A penny saved is...not a whole lot.

Two's company, three's....triplets.

Don't put off till tomorrow what...your mother tells you to do now.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and...you'll just make everyone sad.

There are none so blind as...the 3 Blind Mice.

Children should be seen and not...put on time out or forced to eat peas.

If at first you don't succeed....just get really mad.

You get out of something only what you....think should be in it.

When the blind lead the blind....get the heck out of the way.

A bird in the hand...is really gross.

Better late than....being early.

If you enjoyed this, feel free to ask your own children to finish the same proverbs (or any others you can come up with)! And let me know so I can stop by and read their answers!!

Maintaining the Peace in Your Home Life

2012-05-25T09:13:00.003-07:00

Guest post written by Evan Smith. For more information on this kind of post, please read my disclosure statement.

Maintaining the peace in your home life is undoubtedly very stressful, challenging and demanding. In a perfect world, our home is a peaceful environment that is completely detached from the chaotic world outside. Unfortunately, there is no perfect world. Our home life can often be just as stressful, if not more stressful than the hectic world outside. Luckily, there are some key steps you and your family can take to ensure that peace is maintained in your household. Certain rules should be established and each family member must be responsible for adhering to these rules. Let's take a look at some of the ways to maintain the peace in your home.

Don't Bring Your Work Home

One of the major toxic elements that can create stress in a household is that tension from the workplace is brought into the home. Did you get into an argument with your boss? Are your co-workers irritating you each and every day? If you bring anger and frustration from work back home, you are really being unfair to your family members. There are some potential ways to ensure that you have a positive attitude the moment you step into your home. You can create some relaxing soundtracks that you can listen to on your commute home. You can also say a few things you are grateful for before entering your home in order to get into a positive mindset.

Maintain a Clean Home

A cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind, and a cluttered mind is a chaotic one. It is important for each family member to chip in and participate in the cleaning of the house. This will enable each member to understand just how much effort is required to maintain a household. Also, as a result, each member will be less likely to create a mess. A clean home will absolutely help maintain the peace level.

Avoid Nitpicking

Nitpicking is a surefire way to stir arguments and diminish the peace in your home. Is it really necessary to criticize a family member for not putting the cap back on the toothpaste? If you let the small insignificant things go, you will definitely help maintain the peace in your home. Also, you will simply feel better within yourself by just letting some things go.

Use Positive Reinforcement

No matter how big or small of an accomplishment one of your family members makes, you should be sure to praise them. If a family member feels that he or she is never receiving recognition for personal accomplishments, there is ultimately bound to be stress and tension within the household. An excellent way to maintain the peace in a household is to place positive quotes throughout the home that all family members can appreciate and adopt.

While the outside world can be cruel and chaotic, a positive home life can be maintained if each family member follows these important rules.

Evan Smith is a husband and proud father of four children. He is a regular contributor for KeyInsuranceQuotes.com. Evan and his wife have maintained a very positive home life by adopting these rules.

Supermom Fell in the Toilet

2012-05-22T05:30:00.000-07:00

This guest post comes to you courtesy of Courtenay from Soup: Midwestern Mama Cooking Up Life in the Heartland. You might recall I did a guest post a couple weeks ago for her series "The Moment a Mother is Born".

Courtenay describes herself as a happily married, working mama of two young kids, infant twins, two cats, a flock of chickens and one large dog. Her blog, Soup: Midwestern Mama Cooking Up Life in the Heartland won the Best Humor Blog in the 2010 Scholastic Parent and Child Blog Awards.

If you want to get in good with her, bring her some sushi, red wine and chocolate. Or a really good book to read.

Now you can see why I absolutely adore Courtenay....sushi, red wine, chocolate and a really good book. What's not to love?!

I hope you enjoy her post, Supermom Fell in the Toilet!!

Have you ever noticed that the universe has a way of putting you in your place at the very moment you least expect it (and, likely, most need it)? That one minute you’re flying high and the next, you’ve flown right into a plate glass window, sliding down, down, down until you land in a crumpled heap in the landscaping, your feathers ruffled and your beak smarting?

I had one of those moments the other day.

You see, I take great pride in my ability to negotiate the tricky world of working part-time and parenting four young children (6, 4, and the twins are 1). I know that I’m not always graceful, but that I haven’t yet managed to kill a child or flood the house and the one fire we had, I put out single-handedly. I would never in a million years say that I am an expert (I’m not and I don’t play one on TV), but I generally feel competent.

It was the day after the twins’ one-year well-child checks – an appointment that I did solo because my hubby was working. There were other extenuating circumstances that made the day one for the blog (so strange that writing a blog post is akin to putting a day in the record books, but it is nonetheless).

I had gotten up, showered, dressed and out of the house with my two older kids – yay for a good morning! My routine is to walk them into the school, drop them at their respective classrooms, chat with their teachers for a minute and with anyone else who looks friendly in the elementary school hallway, and get on into work. I secretly love this time of day because it is a tremendously ridiculous boost to my mom-ego. Why? My kids are happy to go to school, bright, and their teachers love them – thus, they love me. I smile, offer to help, and thank them profusely for what they do for my kids. What’s not to love?

Both teachers knew that the babies had just turned one and both of my kids had shared that they had shots the day before, so the teachers asked how my wee ones were doing. I told a fabulous and humorous story about the doctor’s visit with a witty and urbane tagline, clearly testing out my stand-up chops on any poor soul who cared to listen about immunizations, screaming infants, and a blood test that sprung a leak, leaving one of my twins looking like a vampire baby after a good nosh.

Both teachers laughed knowingly, clearly enjoying my tale of woe. My son’s teacher then uttered the words that most stoke my mom-ego (a perfect way to head into the office), “You are Supermom! I just don’t know how you do it!”

This phrase must have started tickling the universe like a feather under the nose of a sleeping giant.

Now, upon waking I generally drink a large mug of coffee. I use the bathroom before leaving home, but almost always have to use the restroom upon arriving at my office, too. This particular morning was no exception. As I headed from the parking lot on campus to my office, I ran into a co-worker who also asked how the babies’ appointments went.

I told an abbreviated and slightly less colorful version and tried not to do a squirming potty dance, silently wishing that doing Kegels was helpful after delivering four children vaginally (it isn’t). I smiled cheerily and blathered a made-up excuse about needing to get to a meeting (with the bathroom) and scooted on into my building.

I didn’t even stop to put my things in my office, but glided into the bathroom quickly, closing the stall door and dropping trou in one swift movement, my purse still dangling from my elbow.

And that is the moment the sleeping giant of the universe succumbed to the tickling by issuing a very large sneeze my direction, because…

I felt my bum come into contact with cold, cold, COLD water.

My first thought, “I fit into the toilet, yay!”

My second thought, “I’m sitting in the toilet… in the TOILET! ICK!”

I sprung out of the bowl, dropped the seat and completed my mission. Then I dried my whole bum, remembering that the cleaning crew does the bathrooms every Sunday-Tuesday-Thursday, so the seat is left up on Monday-Wednesday-Friday and it was, in fact, Friday.

Oh, how the mighty Supermom has fallen… right into the toilet. Yep… The universe clearly needed to remind me that, no matter how queenly I’m feeling, I must still check the throne before I sit down.

You can subscribe to Courtenay's blog HERE, like her blog on Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

Tooth Fairy Fail

2012-05-09T04:30:00.000-07:00

Landon lost his very first tooth a few days ago.

He was super excited about his impending visit from the Tooth Fairy.

"When will she come get my tooth?" he asked, grinning from ear to ear.

I responded, "Tonight! Make sure to leave it under your pillow, okay?"

Nodding his head, he clutched the ziploc bag, in which his tiny baby tooth was enclosed tightly, to his body.

"Hmmm, I wonder how much money she'll leave me?" he wondered.

I answered, "Well, I'm pretty sure the going rate is $5.00 for your first tooth!"

"$5.00!!!" he exclaimed, his brown eyes twinkling with obvious glee. "Oh wow! That's a lot of money!"

That night, before falling asleep, Landon made sure his baby tooth was safely nestled under his pillow.

After the kids were asleep, I said to Tim, "Hey, Tooth Fairy....you're the one who always has some cash so don't forget to leave some money for Landon, okay?"

He nodded his head and assured me that he would leave our child the money.

However, in the morning, I was greeted by a very upset 5-year old.

"Mommy!" Landon shouted from his room. "The Tooth Fairy didn't come!!!"

WTF?!

Tim muttered under his breath, "Shit, I totally forgot."

I rolled my eyes and went back upstairs to console our child....feeding him some crap about how the Tooth Fairy's wings were broken and she couldn't get to our house in time before he woke up...blah, blah, blah.

"Okay," he sniffled. "But she'll come tonight for sure? You promise?"

Nodding my head, I replied, "Of course. She wouldn't let you down two nights in a row!"

After the kids were tucked in bed that night, I reminded Tim to be sure to leave Landon some money for his tooth.

"You get one pass...that's it! Please do not forget tonight, okay??" I begged.

"Okay, okay...I won't forget!" he assured me....again.

The next morning, I heard Landon crying.

"What's wrong?" I asked him, bending down to hug him.

"The Tooth Fairy didn't leave me any money. She forgot again," he cried.

Really? WTF? I need to add Tooth Fairy to my already endless list of responsibilities around here like I need another hole in my head....or a 3rd set of twins.

I ran downstairs and lit into Tim. "Did you seriously forget AGAIN?" I whispered between gritted teeth while the kids were still upstairs getting dressed.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he looked confused.

"I thought I left some money for him. I don't know...maybe I forgot again," he mumbled.

"For the love of God, it's his FIRST tooth. And now we've completely traumatized him. He thinks the Tooth Fairy hates him. We're such crappy parents," I complained.

Then came the sound of laughter from upstairs....

"I found it, I found it," Landon yelled. "She left me $5.00!! It was under my bed sheet, not my pillow! Silly Tooth Fairy!!"

Crisis averted...but I still wanted to slap Tim upside the head with a frying pan.

When the kids were all downstairs and eating their breakfast, Bella said to me, "I think the Tooth Fairy is a man."

I asked, "Why would you think that?"

She responded, "Because the Tooth Fairy is pretty forgetful."

My eyes darted over to Tim, who was still laying on the sofa and shaking his head...probably wondering why he ever thought marriage and kids were a good idea.

Major Tooth Fairy fail.

But you know what? It wasn't the first time and it probably won't be the last time.

Just keeping it real, as always.

And I'm willing to bet that I'm not the only one who's had a Tooth Fairy fail, right?

RIGHT??

The Moment a Mother is Born

2012-05-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

If someone were to ask you to describe that exact moment when motherhood felt real for you, would you be able to recall it vividly?

Maybe it was the minute you saw your baby on ultrasound....perhaps it was the first time you held your precious newborn in your arms.

Or, quite possibly, it might have taken longer than you expected for it to finally sink in.

I am a mother. I created life. I am responsible for another human being, other than myself.

When did motherhood truly feel real for you?

That very question was posed to me recently by one of my favorite bloggers (and fellow twin mama), Courtenay of Soup: Midwestern Mama Cooking Up Life in the Heartland.

Courtenay is currently hosting "The Moment a Mother is Born" and I was honored when she asked me to write a guest post for her series.

And, oddly enough....even through all the sleep deprivation, post-partum depression, living in survival mode for 38 straight months (but who's counting, right?), I knew EXACTLY when motherhood felt real for me.

I'd be thrilled if you'd join me at Soup and read my guest post.

And Courtenay and I would love it if you'd leave a comment there telling us when motherhood felt real for you!!

Pouring My Heart Out...What I Hope My Kids Remember

2012-04-25T10:39:00.000-07:00

As I sit on the couch in the family room watching my children engage in a fun game of hide and seek, I'm reeling from the fact that another school year has come and gone.

Time goes by quickly, so they say. The days are long but the years are short....yet another saying that rings true.

I'm deep in thought, wondering which childhood memories from this past school year, they will recall with fondness...which ones they will remember with sadness, perhaps even bitterness.

As a mother, I hope I'm doing right by them, even though I struggle every waking moment wondering if I'm merely creating more issues for them to discuss in future therapy sessions.

I want them to know that every decision I make on their behalf is made with a conscious effort to keep them safe, happy and responsible.

When they say I'm being mean or that they don't like me, I try to convince myself that must be because I'm doing something right; however, it still hurts...it strikes panic in my very core and makes me question everything I thought I knew.

What I hope my kids remember are these things....

How much fun we had together

All the hugs and kisses provided to them when they were hurt

Eating breakfast for dinner and having dessert for breakfast

Giving them the very last cookie in the package even though it's the one treat I'd been looking forward to all day long

Wiping their poopy asses, even though they were perfectly capable of doing it themselves

Rocking them to sleep, although they barely fit on my lap any longer

Holding their hand as they puked

Singing "Rainbow Connection" to them every single night before bed

Gently pinching their butt cheeks incessantly

Singing silly songs to them and dancing around the family room with glee

Eating the cake batter straight from the bowl simply because we could

That as often as I raised my voice to them, I always remembered to apologize

Reading books together and making up crazy voices for all the characters

Days filled with bowling, swimming, jumping rope, riding bikes, going on treasure hunts, seeking out earthworms after a rainy day, gardening, hopscotch, blowing bubbles, jumping on the trampoline, games of freeze tag and hide-n-seek, baking cookies and decorating cakes.....

Lastly, I hope they remember how much they were loved and cherished...and still are, every single moment of every single day.

I got a visit from the Fairy Hobmother...and you could too!

2012-04-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

Image Source

Just a couple days ago, I was having a particularly rough day with the kids.

Oh hell, who am I kidding?

Every day is a particularly rough day with the kids. Because there are four of them and one or two of them is bound to be in a crappy mood for one reason or another...usually over something so silly it makes me want to stab myself in the eyeball with a germ-infested 22-gauge needle.

Instead of wasting what very few brain cells I have left by yelling at them (and let's face it...even yelling at them doesn't really work), I decided to go out back and tend to my vegetables and fruit trees.

Plus, they don't tell me they hate me or cry for an eternity when I prune them. It's a give and take relationship....very different from the relationship I have with my kids, which is take, take, take and take some more until I'm a dried-up shriveled old woman begging for mercy.

Little did I know that when I got back inside and sat down at my laptop, there would be a lovely little gift awaiting me in the form of an e-mail from the Fairy Hobmother, granting me the fulfillment of one wish.

Seriously, people. It happened. I wasn't dreaming it and I certainly wasn't in a wine-induced stupor.

Here's a direct quote from the e-mail....

"I stumbled across your blog today and your story struck me as deserving of some recognition. Dealing with four kids at once must be tough, you've got to be made of pretty stern stuff to handle that and blog at the same time!"

Yeah, "pretty stern stuff" is just 25% of it. The other 75% is just sheer guts and determination to survive.

If you don't know who the Fairy Hobmother is, let me tell you...he (yes, it's a dude) spreads light and joy throughout the internet, offering to grant your biggest wish in the form of a generous Amazon gift card.

One of my biggest passions is reading. And I finally caved last year and invested in a Kindle. Reading takes me to my happy place and allows me to escape from the chaos in my life, if even only for a few minutes.

So, obviously, I'm using my wish to purchase books, books and more books.

What? Did you really think I was going to use the one wish on my kids?

Clearly, you don't know me well enough.

Call me selfish or whatever you want. But it's not every day I have someone as generous as the Fairy Hobmother presenting me with an opportunity to fulfill one of my wishes!

Would you like the Fairy Hobmother to stop by your neck of the woods and grant you a wish?

Leave me a comment here on this post, telling him what your biggest wish is.

You never know...it may come true!

Getting to the Core of Your Child's Education

2012-04-16T09:09:00.000-07:00

Guest post written by Jenna Smith. For more information on this kind of post, please read my disclosure statement.

Recently, the majority of states adopted a new set of education standards called the Common Core Standards. Essentially, these standards outline the fundamental educational skills that we feel American children should grasp by the end of their public school tenure. These standards cover all children from kindergarten through high school.

There are two primary focuses of the Common Core Standards, Math common core state standards and English Language Arts. The standards provide the outlines, but how the standards are met in individual schools are determined by the states themselves.

How Can the Standards Help Parents?

Even if you live in one of the four states that have not yet adopted the Common Core Standards, parents can use them to discover whether their child is performing to the standards which have been developed by experts in various educational fields. The key to knowing where your child stands in their education in through involvement.

First, visit the Common Core Standards Initiative website where you can find detailed information regarding the standards and answers to many of your basic questions. You can also go to your child's school and ask an administrator or your child's teacher to provide you with information about the standards.

Next, participate in your child's homework with them and see what topics they're covering in class. This is the best time to see if your child's school is addressing important learning goals and assess how challenging your child finds the lessons. If you begin this type of involvement, the easier it will be to maintain as they get older. You can also encourage your child to share their quizzes, tests, and exams with you. Be sure to look over the actual work and not just learn their grade. Showing your sincere interest in what they're learning will encourage them to open up more about their education.

Finally, ask your child's teacher any questions you may have about the standards. The teacher will be able to directly address how she is designing the curriculum and give you ideas about how to more effectively participate in your child's education.

If You Suspect Your Child is Behind.

There are many after school activities that can help fill gaps in your child's learning. Tutoring from a teacher or instructional games can be enjoyable and rewarding. Remember that a positive, informed outlook is always the best approach.

My sincere, heartfelt thanks....

2012-04-11T04:30:00.000-07:00

I'm never one to ignore the blessings I have in my life. And I believe it's important to give thanks for those blessings as often as I can.

First, I'd like to thank my kids for the following...

1) Promising me, with angelic smiles, that they will most definitely be sure to leave some jellybeans for me. Turns out it was all the black and white ones....that they know I hate with a passion.

2) Breaking one of their plastic eggs and leaving it on the floor....for me to step on with my bare feet at 6:00 in the freakin' morning.

3) Whining about the flavor lollipop that was left for them by the "Easter Bunny" after the "Easter Bunny" stayed up way past her bedtime, digging holes in the dirt in the backyard in the pitch black of night to ensure that their magic jellybeans sprouted into beautiful, colorful lollipops.

4) Peeing all over the wall behind the toilet...and blaming it on the cats.

5) Always being sure to give Daddy plenty of unsolicited hugs, kisses and I love you's but seemingly forgetting about me until I remind them that I was the one who carried them in my body for months on end and got gutted like a dying fish to bring them into this world. Seriously....WTF?!

Next, I'd like to thank my loving husband, Tim, for the following....

1) Inviting his parents over for Easter dinner...and conveniently forgetting to mention it to me until the day before the holiday.

2) Paying me back-handed compliments that always seem to insinuate that he's not getting laid enough.

Like, "I love when you wear your hair like that. It has that hot just-fucked look, even though we haven't had sex in....um, well...37 days. Not that I'm counting or anything".

3) Trying his best to help around the house but only managing to do things half-way.

Like, sweeping the floor but leaving a million mini dirt piles around the house, washing the dishes by rinsing them off and leaving for me to load into the dishwasher, and unloading the dishwasher by leaving the clean dishes on the counter.

And, now, just some random thank you's....

To the mom who spent months avoiding me after I graciously hosted a play date with her and her kids at my home...who now wants to be my friend on Facebook. Ignore? Definitely.

To the neighbor who smiled graciously at my children when she allowed them to climb up her lemon tree to pick some fresh lemons...and then invited them to come over and enjoy a lemon meringue pie next time she makes one. Little does she know they won't soon forget that invitation...like, EVER.

To my other neighbors who wave politely at me instead of giving me the finger every single time one of my kids tramples over their freshly mowed lawns with their bikes.

To my cats who poop 28 times a day to ensure that I never run out of crap to clean up after, especially now that all my kids are potty trained.

To Jillian Michaels for being an obnoxious, bossy bitch who kicks my ass 6 times a week while doing her Body Revolution program. And to her perfectly chiseled fitness minions...doing bicep curls with a 5-pound weight? Really?

And, lastly, thank you to the developers of silly, pointless apps, like Oldify and Baldify, which keep my kids entertained for hours....so I can pee in peace and quiet.

What are you thankful for today?

How to survive Spring Break with your kids....

2012-04-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

An oldie, but goodie....from last year's spring break.

Spring break has officially begun in our neck of the woods, people.

This is what I call a serious "fight or flight" situation. The way I see it, I can either lock myself in the bathroom, curled up in the fetal position while sobbing hysterically OR I can suck it up and make the best of it.

Since having a complete meltdown doesn't bode well with the spawn (it makes them think they're in total control), I have no choice but to make the best of a horrible situation.

So here are some of my best tips for surviving Spring Break with your spawn....

1) Chances are, they had some type of celebration at school the Friday before break began. You know, the party that occurred 10 minutes before school let out, when the teachers shipped your kids home to you with a shit load of candy-filled plastic eggs, as they smiled and waved a friendly goodbye to their lovely students?

Never mind that the principal and teachers were all high-5'ing each other and giggling hysterically as the last student left campus...that's when the REAL party began as they popped open the bubbly and played a nasty adult version of Twister.

And chances are, you hid that candy almost immediately upon returning home, right?

On Monday morning at approximately 9:00 am, break out the candy, folks. This will buy you enough time to perhaps shower and eat breakfast. It'll take the spawn roughly 30 minutes to consume all the candy and then what will follow will be what I like to refer to as "the sugar coma".

The sugar coma lasts for about 28 minutes, 10 seconds. Enjoy it. Have that 2nd cup of coffee. You'll need it.

2) Have plenty of activities planned that you can casually mention every time they misbehave. Like, say, dyeing Easter eggs.

Try this..."Uh guys, if you keep spitting at each other, I'm afraid we won't be able to dye Easter eggs".....or play at the park, fly the kite, poke the kitty, whatever. Make it sound like they're really missing out on something good.

3) Actually, have plenty of activities planned for real....or you will get your ass kicked and handed back to you on a silver platter by those same spawn.

4) Some activities to do....

start a vegetable garden (no, I'm not joking...it'll kill some serious time)
open the front and back doors and tell them to run around the house, in and out, quickly 10 times (be sure to lock both doors on the 9th round, while they're still outside...that's KEY)
go for a bike ride (bring band-aids because you know someone's gonna get hurt)
go on a treasure hunt (and tell them they can't come back until they find Mommy's sanity)
walk around Costco while eating free samples (what I like to call "the poor man's lunch")
take them to the gym with you and let your trainer beat them into submission while you enjoy a strenuous stroll on the treadmill
break out the paints that you've hidden away, if you can find them (be aware they will more than likely paint on each other instead of the paper you've provided)
bake cookies (try not to lose your mind while repeatedly warning "don't eat too much dough or you'll die of salmonella poisoning")

5) Some activities they will find more enjoyable....

smelling each other's asses to see whose smells the worst
pulling each other's hair out in huge clumps
stuffing their younger siblings into the huge plastic bubble you bought at Costco, plugging up the exit hole and farting into it
jumping into the humongous pile of clean laundry you just sorted
hiding your beloved bottle of vodka
screaming so loudly that the neighbors have considered calling 911 at least 3 times in the last hour
digging up the flowers you just planted in the front yard
frightening the family cat so badly that she refuses to leave her litter box for days
harrassing the exterminator to the point where he's tempted to "ignore" the obvious hornet's nest hanging from your child's outdoor swing set
texting the word "shit" to random people in your address book on your cell phone (including the grandparents who believe their grandchildren are the most precious and sweetest children alive)

6) Be okay with the fact that they will probably not brush their teeth, change their underwear or say one nice word to their siblings the entire week. It's only 7 days, people...if they were doing this shit during summer break, you'd have reason to be concerned.

7) Stock your liquor cabinet with plenty of tequila, vodka and other fine spirits. Have your Wellbutrin prescription refilled early. And be sure to have plenty of chocolate, ice cream, cookies (hell, even pancake batter...whatever your necessary evil is) on hand to enjoy during those moments when you begin to think that coming back as an aardvark in your next life sounds like a darn good plan.

This is a sure sign that you are dangerously close to completely losing your mind. In fact, you might want to have the local psych ward on speed dial, just in case.

8) Go ahead and canvas the neighborhood, letting your neighbors, who don't have spawn living at home, know that it's Spring Break. Apologize ahead of time for making their lives miserable for the next week and ask them to try to not judge you too harshly when they see your spawn riding their bikes outside in the middle of a tornado.

While you're at it, go ahead and give them your most recent picture so they can be sure to share it with the news reporters and local police when you go missing, after finally having followed through with that threat you're constantly making, "If you all don't calm down and find something to do, I'm gonna throw myself into oncoming traffic".

9) Realize that Spring Break only happens ONCE A YEAR...thank God.

10) If nothing else, count down the days on the calendar until the spawn return to school the following week, giving yourself permission to do nothing else but sit on the sofa and stare at the wall come Monday morning.

Or you can spend your quiet time googling "is it possible to grow back brain cells after having been subjected to extremely loud noises, God-awful smells and horrendous sights for 7 days straight?" and "What will happen to me if I ever lose my sense of humor?"

Pick your poison.

Guess it's time to come clean...I let myself down

2012-03-27T10:23:00.000-07:00

You might have noticed I haven't been around much. Not here, not on Facebook, not on Twitter.

Or maybe you haven't noticed and you're just now thinking, "Oh yeah, I guess she has been MIA". No worries. I'm not offended. Well, maybe 11.7% of me is offended. Whatever.

Here's the thing....

I've let myself down. I am so completely disappointed in myself because of what I've done. I vowed to not let it happen but I got careless and lazy...I believed I was immune to it simply because I wanted it badly enough.

Remember the 35 pounds I lost last year through nothing other than blood, sweat and tears?

Well, since October 2011, I've slowly put back on 20 of those pounds. 20 of those pounds that I worked my ass off for...TWENTY POUNDS, people!

It began with Cole and Bella's 7th birthday when I allowed myself to indulge in cake, one of my weaknesses.

And then came Halloween, then Thanksgiving...and then Christmas. I was baking cookies on a weekly basis with the kids, eating fudge as if it were the most nutritious food in the world...just packing it in and not giving a shit.

And then reality hit, when I realized earlier this month that in celebration of my weight loss last year I had gotten rid of all my "fat clothes". If I continued on this downward spiral, I'd have nothing to wear this summer and I refuse to go buy new clothes in a bigger size.

In addition, my doctor put me back on my cholesterol medication when my recent blood work revealed my levels have gone back up. No surprise there, I suppose.

So, there you have it. I've come clean. And I'm ashamed and disappointed in myself.

It's back to the drawing board once again.

Instead of spending time on my ass in front of the computer, I've been trying to be more active. I've gotten Jillian Michael's newest program, The Body Revolution, and it's kicking my fat ass all over the place....but in a good way.

And I've discovered that while I did gain some weight back, I still have plenty of muscle and strength, which feels amazing and empowering.

When my kids want to go to the park, I spend time doing walk/sprint intervals around the play area while they play instead of sitting on the nearby bench on my iPhone. When they want to jump on the trampoline, I no longer see it as my opportunity to take a break and get on the computer. I now jump with them.

I've been spending more time in the kitchen, engaging my kids in helping me cook healthy meals and getting away from all the processed crap. They're learning about good fats, bad fats, how to make sure to eat all the colors of the rainbow and proper portion size.

I'm not obsessing about it with them by any means but I'm simply teaching them all the things I wish my mother had taught me when I was their age.

I can do this. I've done it before and I'll do it again.

However, this will be the last time. I will lose the weight necessary in order to be healthy and fit once again.

And I will keep it off.

That, my friends, is a promise.

Well, it does make sense...kind of, sort of...if you're 5 years old

2012-03-20T09:42:00.000-07:00

This is a conversation I overheard between the little twins yesterday....

Garrett: Hey Landon, did you know that killer whales can kill people?

Landon: They do?

Garrett: Yeah but they only kill girls.

Landon: Why?

Garrett: Cuz it's a kill-HER whale. If it killed boys it would be a kill-HIM whale.

You gotta love the reasoning of a 5-year old child.

Pouring My Heart Out...The Haunting Inner Dialogue of Every Parent

2012-03-14T04:30:00.000-07:00

Most parents, especially mothers, are guilty of this. The haunting inner dialogue we have with ourselves about our children, that is.

Should I have put him on a time-out instead of simply giving him another warning?
Will they still love me if I stick to my guns?
Everyone else is letting their kids do it...why am I being such a hard-ass?

We are forever questioning our parenting skills, especially when we hear of someone who may be doing the opposite of what we're doing.

It leaves us plagued with self-doubt and anxiety to think we could be short-changing our kids in any way, shape or form. We love them and want the very best for them, of course.

But with no parenting manuals or easy "how-to" guides, we are left floundering, constantly having conversations with ourselves over what's right and what's wrong.

Sometimes, this leads us to have discussions with friends...

"What do you do when Johnny refuses to do his homework?"
"How do you handle it when your kid disrespects you?
"Have you ever spanked Melissa for running away from you in a parking lot?"

However, those conversations may have you even more puzzled and wondering about your parenting abilities more than they leave you with a feeling of encouragement and inspiration.

So what's a parent to do? How do you know you're doing things right? How do you know your children won't hate you when they're older for every single mistake you've ever made with them?

Oh, wait...did you actually think I might have the answers to those questions?

No way. Sorry to say, I have no clue.

What it boils down to, I suppose, is that none of us can be absolutely sure that we're not causing irreparable damage to our children.

All it takes is a high-pitched shriek in their direction over something as simple as spilled milk and you witness their little spirits being crushed right before your very eyes. Even a casual "What were you thinking?" is enough to reduce them into a heap of tears.

Yet, at the same time, an apology is worth a thousand words. A gentle, loving hug accompanied by a heartfelt request of forgiveness can go a long way. It can push things back into the right direction instead of continuing down that frightening path of the unknown, where you worry endlessly that there may be no second chances.

As disappointing as it is, no one can predict the future. There is no way to to know how your actions or words today may affect your children tomorrow.

We were all wonderful parents....before we had kids, right? And then reality set in and we suddenly discovered that this whole parenting gig is way more challenging that we ever could have imagined.

There is constant second guessing in every little decision we make. We are always sizing up our competition, wondering if they know something we don't know about parenting. We look at successful parents and strive to know their secrets. We worry what others think.

But, in the end, we just have to do the best we can. And hope that it's enough.

Those whispered "I love you's" when you tuck your babies into bed at night?? The random "Mom, you're the best" when you make their favorite meal?? The friendly "Mom, will you walk me to class today"??

Well, those are the things we need to cling to. Those are the reminders that we're doing something right.

That's when your inner dialogue should be saying to you, "Hang in there. Someday they will know that everything you've done for them has been purely out of love".

Ugliest. Cake. Ever.

2012-03-12T04:30:00.000-07:00

I really thought I could do this. I mean, how hard could a Bakugan cake be to make, right?

Apparently, more difficult than I had imagined.

As I mentioned in my most recent post, Garrett and Landon had requested a Bakugan cake for their 5th birthday this past Saturday.

When asked to describe to me exactly what they wanted, they said, "We want a white cake with a ring of fire around it. And the dragons, El Drago and Skyrus."

Then I looked up pics of these dragons online and immediately went into panic mode.

Seriously? Who the hell do they think I am...Martha Stewart? Ina Garten?

I explained, "Guys, listen. I really want to make a cake that you'll love. But, honestly, I don't think I can make these dragons for you. They are way too complicated."

With a twinkle in his eye, Garrett whined, "If you really really really love us, you'll make the dragons. You want us to think you're a good mom, don't you?"

Okay, okay, so he didn't actually say that. But the guilt was there. Trust me, it was there.

So I promised I would do my best.

Three days later, the Bakugan monstrosity was complete...in all its ugliness.

Is that not the ugliest cake ever?

These damn dragons aged me by about 13.8 years.

The wings kept falling apart and cracking. I must have made 6 different pairs of wings before I finally screamed, "Screw it" and downed half a bottle of wine.

The freakin' stars kept falling off the sticks. Some of the dragons' spikes mysteriously disappeared. The gold glitter dust looked horrible.

Tim said the fire looked more like orange and yellow grass and that El Drago looked stoned. Is he my biggest fan or what?

I told him, "That's it. I'm done. Seriously, no more homemade cakes. This is killing me."

He whipped out the camera and took a video of me vowing to never ever bake a birthday cake so long as I live. I won't post the video....mainly because I look like a complete mess with gel coloring all over my face and hands as I'm cursing like a drunken sailor.

But you know what? The smiles on my boys' faces when they saw the finished cake definitely warmed my heart.

They LOVED it and deemed me "The Best Mom On The Planet".

Still....this best mom on the planet will be paying Costco next year to make their birthday cake.

I'm out.

Well, this is definitely one advantage of having two sets of twins....

2012-03-05T08:39:00.000-08:00

Four kids. Two birthdays. Need I say more?

I mean, really. Is that not a major advantage of having two sets of twins or what?!

And as if that's not awesome enough, one set of twins has a birthday in March and the other set is in October. What that means is that I don't have to plan birthday party after birthday party...there's a nice break in between.

Garrett and Landon will be turning 5 this Saturday. I'm having heart palpitations just thinking about the fact that my babies are half a decade old already. When did that happen?

So....I'll be up to my neck this week in buttercream and fondant as I attempt my next culinary creation.

A Bakugan cake. With a massive dragon sitting on top.

Yes, my kids have upped the bar....again.

Although, I think this time they surely have overestimated my cake decorating skills.

They keep saying, "Come on, Mommy. You can do it. You make awesome cakes."

But we shall see....

I may be MIA this week, needless to say.

You know, cake baking and decorating during the day while also trying to keep the kids...well, alive. And then sipping some delicious wine after they're in bed, as my reward.

I'll definitely share pics once the creation from hell is complete.

Until then, wish me luck. Lots and lots of luck.

I'm afraid I'll need it this time.

Let's talk books, shall we?

2012-03-01T09:45:00.000-08:00

Since writing this post about grieving over a fictional character and seeing how many of you share my passion for books, I thought I'd give you the low down on some of my favorite books from the last month or two.

150 Pounds: A Novel of Waists and Measures (Kate Rockland)

This book was recommended by an online book club I'm a part of. I loved the book so much I read it in TWO days!

It's the story of two popular bloggers (one fat, one skinny) and their desire to help others be more comfortable in their own bodies.

Shoshana, author of Fat and Fabulous, is friendly, outgoing and the type of person everyone loves. Alexis, author of Skinny Chick, is a self-proclaimed bitch who is judgmental and lacking in friends.

They cross paths when they're both guests on Oprah discussing their views on weight.

The story is a little predictable but I still enjoyed it. Definitely one of my favorites and a book I think most people, especially those who struggle with weight, will find likable.

Breaking the Silence (Diane Chamberlain)

I recently discovered this author and LOVE her! Her books are always filled with twists and turns, so completely unexpected that I find myself thinking about the characters even when I'm not reading the book.

This story is about a semi-famous astronomer, Laura, whose father's dying wish is for her to look after an elderly woman whom she knows nothing about and has never even heard her name until now.

She feels compelled to honor her father's wishes but this simple act causes her life to completely unravel...her husband commits suicide and her young daughter, who witnesses his death, stops speaking.

While Laura deals with her grief, she must find a way to help her daughter and also continue to search for reasons on why her father was so insistent that she visit the elderly woman.

I guarantee this is a good read!! You won't be able to put it down! And the ending is so unexpected you will be flabbergasted!!

Home Front (Kristin Hannah)

This is another new-to-me author whom I absolutely love! She's the one who wrote the book Night Road, which inspired the above blog post I mentioned.

This story is about a couple, Jolene and Michael, whose 12-year marriage is disintegrating right before their eyes and they can't seem to find a way to fix things.

Right in the midst of a breaking point, Jolene is deployed to Iraq to fight in the war and she has to leave her husband and their two young daughters.

Her best friend of 20 years goes alongside her to Iraq, as she is also a soldier.

While she is away, Jolene refuses to let her family worry about her as she describes life in Iraq in her e-mails to them as if she's on vacation. But, on the inside, the war is changing her for the worst.

Tragedy strikes and she and Michael must face the consequences and find a way to move forward.

This is a must read, in my opinion! I had a hard time putting it down!

It wasn't so much filled with unexpected twists and turns as it was more about the emotions and wanting so badly for each of these characters to fight harder to save their marriage and keep their family intact.

The Secret Life of CeeCee Wilkes (Diane Chamberlain)

Yes, another book by Diane Chamberlain but I'm telling you all, she is an amazing author!!

This is another intriguing page-turner that will keep you wanting more. I seriously asked Tim to get the kids McDonald's one night for dinner so I could finish the book.

This is the story of a young, naive girl named CeeCee Wilkes and how she falls in love with a man, Timothy, who changes the course of her life.

He and his brother convince CeeCee to help them commit a horrible crime, which suddenly goes wrong. And CeeCee is left to clean up the pieces. She lives out the rest of her life in fear, waiting to be found out and captured.

You will fall in love with CeeCee and find yourself reeling with emotions as you dive deeper into this book. It's about doing the right thing, even if it means losing your entire world and everyone you love.

Okay, so now....I want to hear about the books you've read recently and couldn't put down!

And if you've read any of the books mentioned here, tell me what you thought about them!

Side note: This is not a sponsored post or a post filled with affiliate links. I was not compensated in any manner to promote any of these books. I simply loved each of them and wanted to share them with my readers who also love to read.

When it rains, it pours....right into our family room

2012-02-28T04:30:00.000-08:00

We're in the process of remodeling (and adding on to) our home.

Essentially, adding a playroom, another master suite, closing up our upstairs loft to make that into a bedroom and moving our laundry room upstairs. We should have approximately 1000 more square feet added to our current home when the construction is complete.

Yeah, I know...we're totally insane to take on a huge project like this while we have young children. But THEY are the main reason we need to do this remodel.

We searched the real estate market high and low for two whole years and nothing ever seemed to pan out, although we did come super close a couple times.

Some of you may recall the Flood of 2010 when we woke up the morning after Thanksgiving to find our entire family room and kitchen flooded when a pipe in our downstairs bathroom broke. Our new wood floors were completely ruined and had to be replaced.

Thankfully, our insurance company took care of it and we decided to go with an upgrade and have dark wood floors put in.

Everything was going wonderfully....friends and family who came over gushed about our beautiful new floors.

And, finally, I wasn't embarrassed to host play dates where I had to say, "Oh, you didn't know? Cement floors decorated with personalized drawings of the family pet in permanent marker are all the rave now!"

And then....it happened. Another flood. Another beautiful floor ruined.

The construction guys who had taken out our fireplace had failed to seal the barrier up properly. It rained one night and we woke up to water squishing out between our floor boards.

We only lost the family room floors though, as it appears the floors in the eating area, the kitchen and the living room were unaffected.

Hopefully, they'll be able to replace what was lost without having to re-do the entire downstairs if we can match the pieces perfectly.

Back to cement floors....again

What my living room looks like now with most of the family room furniture in it

The other night, Tim remarked, "Do you realize in the last 2 years we've had cement floors more often than we've had wood floors?"

I said, because we're getting ready for Garrett and Landon's 5th birthday party, "Do you realize in the last 3 years every time we're about to host a birthday party or a holiday gathering here, our home is in complete disarray due to remodeling projects or some random, freak accident?"

We both began to laugh hysterically....to prevent ourselves from sobbing, I suppose.

I mean, really. What can we do, except laugh?

I keep telling myself it'll all be worth it, in the end. And people who have endured remodeling projects in their homes have assured me that will indeed be the case.

Unless, of course, Mother Nature decides to stir up another natural disaster the moment our renovation is complete....like a tornado which we very rarely get here in Northern CA.

Because that would be my luck.

But let's just all hope that my luck has changed for the better.

Please.

Is your willy bigger than mine?

2012-02-24T04:30:00.000-08:00

I was in the kitchen getting the little twins some juice while they were on the stairs yesterday, when I overheard the following conversation:

Garrett: I have a willy, too.

Landon: Mine's bigger than yours though.

Garrett: See, here's my willy. Wanna touch it?

Landon: Yeah. You wanna pet my willy?

Garrett: Yeah. Yours is softer than mine.

When I looked over at them, this is what I saw....

Wait...you knew they were talking about their Free Willy stuffed animals, didn't you?

Get your minds out of the gutter, people!!

Happy Friday!

What You're Really Worth

2012-02-23T04:30:00.004-08:00

I've said it before, and I will say it again – us stay-at-home moms are highly undervalued. Once we tie the knot, put on wedding bands, and have kids, our value is often greatly underestimated in terms of dollar amounts, and many wonder why we don't just get careers.

Well, I'm here to breakdown that myth, and prove that stay-at-home moms are actually worth more in their dollar amount than a working mom.

An average stay-at-home mom works a whopping 96.6 hours a week – that's nearly double what any husband works. In addition to working 40 normal working hours and 56.6 hours of overtime, the average stay-at-home takes on not just one job, but the jobs of approximately 10 other positions:

Housekeeper: The general task of simply being a housekeeper alone take on average 15.4 hours of our week, each week, and we often spend those hours simply keeping the house in some vague form of order. For our time alone, we should be compensated $10,200.

Personal Chef: Kids have to be fed, and because of it, we are often preparing separate meals to appease picky palates. Just over 14 hours a week are spent in the kitchen, and if we really were gainfully employed chefs, we could expect $12,500 annually for our work.

Janitor: As moms, when aren't we cleaning? As we aren't trying to get the kitchen back in order, then we are trying to clean up the latest mess the kids just made. We spend nearly 7.8 hours a week dedicated solely to janitorial duties, and if we were regularly employed could expect $5,100 annually from that amount of work.

Chauffeur: Whether it be to school or to soccer practice, we spend an awful lot of time driving our kids around. 7.8 hours to be exact, and for that driving, we would normally expect to be compensated $7,700 annually.

Psychologist: Really, when aren't we giving someone positive life advice? According to the national average, we spend a little more than 7 hours a week doing so, and annually those hours add up to $18,700 a year. Not too bad, for being a life coach.

CEO: There is no denying that we are in charge in our own homes. We run and manage nearly everything. Our particular CEO duties cost us about 3.9 hours each week, and come with an annual salary of $16,200.

Other positions we hold include facilities manager, daycare teacher, computer operator, and laundry machine operator. These positions combined require a whopping 40 additional extra hours of our week, and offer an annual salary of $47,600. In total, that means us stay-at-home moms should make $115,432 a year!

The average working mom – with professional and at-home responsibilities combined – only brings in $63,472! That means that stay-at-home moms are worth $51,960 more than their working counterparts.

Not too bad if I say so myself. Too bad we will never see a dime of that! However, that doesn't mean that I may not gloat about how much I am worth from time to time.

Guest post written by Jenna Smith. For more information on this kind of post, please read my disclosure statement.

Pouring My Heart Out...It Only Hurts for a Little While

2012-02-22T04:30:00.001-08:00

"You should pull your sleeves down. Your arm looks weird," I overheard the little girl say to my daughter, as the two of them sat on top of the monkey bars at the park.

"Yeah, I'm getting cold anyway," Bella replied, pulling her pushed-up sleeves back down to cover her arms.

Bella glanced over at me and I gave her my bravest smile, even though my heart was exploding into a million jagged pieces.

Later that evening, I approached her.

"I overheard what that little girl said to you about your arm. How did that make you feel?" I asked.

Avoiding eye contact with me, she continued to color as she answered, "I'm okay, I guess."

She paused for a couple seconds and then quietly continued, "But my arm IS weird."

A lump formed in my throat, as this was the first time Bella had ever said anything negative about her arm.

My mind went back to a conversation she and I had a couple years ago after seeking the advice of yet another surgeon.

Back then, at the tender age of 4, she wasn't bothered by the scar which covered the entire bicep of her right arm. In fact, I can still hear her tiny voice telling me, "It doesn't bother me. I think it's pretty and I like it. I want to keep my scar. It makes me special."

Even now, those words bring a smile to my face. So innocent, so resilient, so accepting. Back then...

You see, Bella was born with a hemangioma on her right arm. At first, it was nothing more than a bright red dime-sized mark on her bicep. The NICU staff explained to us what it was and said it would probably fade with time but, in rare instances, hemangiomas can grow at an alarmingly fast pace.

Bella - 11 days old

Her hemangioma was one of those rare instances.

By the time she left the NICU, 4 weeks later, it was obvious the hemangioma had grown tremendously.

Bella - 26 days old

For more details and to view more pictures, you can read this post.

While Bella knows the story of her hemangioma, she gets tired of repeating the story to others....curious strangers who simply have this undying need to know what happened to her arm. We finally told her, "Just tell people it's a birthmark and leave it at that."

Bella - 10 months old

As she continued to color, I responded, "It makes me sad to hear you agreeing with that little girl. I remember a time when you thought your arm was beautiful and you loved that it made you special."

Bella - 13 months old

"I know, Mommy," she said softly. "But you don't know how often people ask me about it and I get so tired of having to explain what it is. And then some kids don't even believe me. They think I got burned or something, like I'm lying about it. Or they say they've never seen a birthmark like mine before. Maybe they're just jealous because my arm is different but still...it hurts my feelings. Sometimes I wish my arm looked normal like everyone else's."

Bella - 3 years old

I pulled her close to me and found solace in the sweet, fruity scent of her freshly washed hair.

To my dismay, the inevitable had finally occurred but I still couldn't help feeling caught off guard by it. It was much sooner than I expected and much more heartbreaking than I had anticipated.

As a parent, I want all my children to be accepted and loved for who they are, regardless of how they look or whatever physical or character flaws they may have. I want their inner beauty to be just as valuable as their outer beauty. More than anything, I wish everyone could see what I see when I look at them...incredible, wonderful, amazing little human beings.

My hand glided over the tough, leathery skin on Bella's right arm as I spoke, "I understand. I really do. I'm sorry those people hurt your feelings. I just want you to be happy and comfortable in your own skin. You are beautiful and special, no matter what. We can go back and talk to the surgeon again, if you like."

Bella - today at 7 years old

Bella put her crayon down and looked up at me. "Not yet. I can wait until I'm a little older. Besides, the comments do hurt my feelings but it only hurts for a little while. Don't be sad. I'm not."

With tears welling up in my eyes, I beamed at my daughter as she began to color her picture again...her words forever embedded in my brain.

It only hurts for a little while. Don't be sad. I'm not.

It never ceases to amaze me.

The fact that my 7-year old daughter is so much braver and more tolerant than I am as an adult is something I will truly never understand.

Bread machine fail #6

2012-02-17T09:23:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine loaned me her bread machine....quite awhile ago. So long ago, in fact, that I honestly think she's forgotten about it.

Although I did try to give it back to her a couple times and she waved her hand at me and said, "I never used it. At least you're getting some use out of it".

Getting SOME use out of it? Well, that might be the understatement of the year.

I'm in love with this bread machine. Seriously, it can do amazing things that I could never do. Such as make bread...and pizza dough...and all kinds of deliciousness.

I come off looking like Supermom while the bread machine sulks in the corner, feeling unappreciated and unloved. I'll have to give it an extra gentle caress next time I use it. I wouldn't want it to crap out on me and make me look bad.

So....the other night, I made homemade pizza. Yep, dough from scratch and everything. I like to mix olive oil, italian seasonings and parmesan cheese in with the other ingredients, including white whole wheat flour and ground flaxseed so it can still be considered somewhat healthy (and the kids and Tim never suspect a thing!)

All I did was throw the ingredients in the machine and let it do all the work. While the pizzas cooked in the oven, our home was filled with such a wonderful pizza-licious aroma that it literally made my mouth water.

Half turkey pepperoni/half cheese

Mushrooms and Olives

Happy customers

Another happy customer

The next day, I got a wild hare up my ass to make cinnamon rolls in the bread machine. My kids love cinnamon rolls but I tend not to buy them because they just have so many unhealthy ingredients, mainly partially hydrogenated oils.

But I figured if I made them then I could control the ingredients (see, there I go again...total type-A control freak) and maybe even sneak in some ground flaxseed.

I talked up these cinnamon rolls to the kids ALL. DAY. LONG. I mean, nonstop talking about these damn rolls. Every 10 minutes, I was all, "These are gonna be the bomb, you guys!" and "OMG, I cannot wait until these are done...YUM!!!"

They were super excited....hell, even Tim was excited. And you all know he very rarely gets excited about anything (unless it's a spontaneous sexual encounter with yours truly, which doesn't happen often obviously).

After the first hour, I heard the bread machine beep. I thought, "Well, that's weird" and I checked the dough but it seemed okay so I left it alone.

Two hours later, the machine beeped again. The dough was done!

Except it wasn't dough. It was bread. Cooked bread.

"Uh, Mommy, that doesn't look like dough," one of the little smart asses commented.

"Hmmm, I don't know what I did wrong. Was I supposed to take the dough out when it beeped about two hours ago?" I asked, completely dumbfounded as I thumbed through the machine's manual.

Yep, apparently, that first set of beeps was meant as, "Hello...dumb ass. Take the dough out of the machine now."

The kids were in tears, snot dripping down their faces..."You said we were gonna have cinnamon rolls. You lied to us! You made bread instead!"

For crying out loud. I'm only human. Aren't I entitled to make a mistake or two....or six?

With some quick thinking, I said, "We can still eat it, even though it's not technically cinnamon rolls. Here, I'll just put the cinnamon sugar on the bread with some butter and we can eat it like that, okay?"

I smothered the slices of sweet bread with the cinnamon sugar and butter and handed them each a piece, which they promptly gobbled up.

"MMMMMMM," they all said in unison. "This is really good!"

After Cole finished his slice, he said, "Mommy, you make the best food ever!"

And that was enough to warm my heart, even though they were completely devastated just ten minutes earlier.

I'm going to attempt those damn cinnamon rolls again today...and you can bet your sweet ass I won't be mentioning it to the kids unless the rolls come out absolutely perfect this time!

The SAHM's Survival Guide

2012-02-16T04:15:00.000-08:00

One of my lovely friends, Kristen at A Little Something For Me, recently asked if I'd like to write a guest post on her blog.

"Hell yeah," was my response. Because I simply adore her.

What's not to love about someone who is passionate, honest, and expressive?

Kristen is a loving mother of three children (including an adorable set of twins and a precious special needs baby). She's the type of mother who will walk the ends of the earth for her children...she takes her job as advocate for them very seriously.

And she has the most amazing sense of humor. She's able to poke fun at herself and laugh about the silly things.

That's why I love her...and you will too!

Kristen has just transitioned from working outside the home to being a full-time SAHM so I wrote "The SAHM's Survival Guide" in her honor! Or in memory of her former life. Whichever.

I'd be happier than a clam at high tide if you'd take a minute and head over there and read my guest post, especially if you could use a dash of humor in your day!

And subscribe to Kristen's blog while you're over there!

Things you never knew about Big Foot, according to my kids....

2012-02-14T09:30:00.000-08:00

My kids are obsessed with Big Foot. Like, seriously obsessed. It's almost an illness.

Morning, noon and night, they are talking about this big, hairy monster-type....uh, thing.

They discovered Big Foot after watching the movie Judy Moody and The Not So Bummer Summer.

And they believe he is real and living in a nearby forest here in Northern California.

So in case you were wondering, here are some things you never knew about Big Foot...according to my kids:

1) Big Foot's favorite foods are grapes, deer, cheeseburgers with everything (including pickles...never ever forget the pickles or you will pay dearly), lollipops, marshmallows and berries.

2) He has no choice but to poop out in the wild so he has to wipe his butt with sticks and/or leaves. Leaves can also be mulit-purposed as a hairbrush.

3) He's a Sasquatcher. Nope, not a Sasquatch...but a Sasquatcher.

4) Never ever confuse Big Foot with Chewbacca. Chewbacca is a Wookie and Big Foot is a Sasquatcher. There's a big difference between the two.

Photo Credit

5) He has no friends....because he eats his friends.

6) He has green eyes that sometimes turn brown. It depends on his mood. And he has yellow teeth. Because there is no such thing as a toothbrush in the wild. Or toothpaste. Duh.

7) Big Foot spends his days eating his favorite foods and running away from people. When he's not running away from people, he's hunting them down. If he's lucky enough to catch a person, he kills them and eats them....raw, like sushi.

8) He's mean. So never try to capture him and make him your family pet.

9) Big Foot cannot talk. He just kind of roars, like an angry monster. And don't try to talk to him because he doesn't understand English. Only Spanish.

10) He smells like garbage, poop....and bad breath.

Now, don't you feel enlightened on all things Big Foot?

Hi, I’m a type-A control freak mom of multiple multiples…nice to meet you!

2012-02-10T04:30:00.000-08:00

When people find out I have two sets of twins, one of their comments is almost always, "Wow, how do you do it?"

Truthfully, I've never had an answer for that question. I'm just doing the best I can with what God equipped me with. Well, that and a healthy dose of Paxil.

I don't know anything other than multiple multiples. Hand me a singleton child and I'd probably struggle and want to throw myself into oncoming traffic.

Twins...that's my thing.

So, how do I do it?

Well, I suppose my type-A control freak personality comes into play and seems to be a huge advantage when it comes to being a mom of multiple multiples. I'm a huge planner and I crave organization and harmony.

When my kids were younger, I could tell you exactly what time they'd be napping, eating a meal, crapping in their diapers EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. because I was such a schedule nazi. Friends and family would scoff at my inability to be more flexible.

Too freakin' bad...it wasn't them who would be up at 2:00 am with two wide-awake babies who had napped all day long.

Then, of course, there were those well-meaning people who fed me their unsolicited advice based.

Like my MIL who was convinced Bella would end up with shaken-baby syndrome because Bella preferred the fastest speed in her baby swing. It was the only way she would sleep for a period of time.

Sure, life has certainly become easier now that my kids aren't dependent on naps, eating schedules and diapers any longer.

But that hasn't stopped my tendency to control all things possible in order to lesson the chaos in my life.

And this is where meal planning comes into play. I used to laugh at those people who planned their meals out a week in advance...until I started doing it and realized how essential it is to keeping the peace in our home.

How does meal planning keep the peace in our home, you might be wondering?

Well, first off, the kids help me plan the meals. Every Saturday, I ask each of them to come up with one of their favorite meals to put on the planner.

You may notice some of the meals above are repeated week from week...because my children are creatures of habit and I'm fine with that. So Tim and I have to suffer through eating french toast for dinner almost every single week but it's less food I have to waste and that makes me happy.

Plus, when I go grocery shopping, I know exactly what I need to buy...and what I don't need to buy. I've saved a ton of money on groceries since beginning this whole "weekly meal planning" strategy.

Another way I stay in control is this ultra-cool calendar that Tim bought me for Christmas. Does my man know me or what?

I love that each family member has his/her own little area where activities, appointments or whatever can be written in.

Yes, I'm so anal I even have the damn "change water filter" reminder written on there because I will forget if it's not written somewhere.

The "journal" note is something I just started doing again recently. Once a week, I'll write in these adorable little journals I have for each of the kids.

Simple, a little personal note to them about what's happened in their life within the last month and things I want them to know, specifically just for them.

I started doing this about 2 years ago and...well, then life got in the way. But I'm back in the habit again, especially now that I have it written in my calendar as a reminder.

So, my friends, that is how this mother of multiple multiples does it, without losing her sanity. In case you ever wondered.

How do you manage it all?