Bury My Heart at Hunter's Bar

This blog...

2010-05-03T11:07:00.001+01:00

...is on an extended hiatus.

Dog and ball

2010-02-24T15:03:00.008Z

Jez is a friend of cousin Martin, who's father to my goddaughters*, Charlotte and Isabelle, who're both aged seven.

Recently, Jez took his dog to the vet, who noticed the dog had only one testicle.

Didn't you know, asked the vet.

I don't spend much time inspecting my dog's genitals, replied Jez, who told this story to Martin, who related it to his kids.

Does that mean the dog's a lesbian, asked Charlotte.

*I'm enthusiastically athesist, but... well, it's a long-ish, dull-ish tale.

The bottom line

2010-02-08T15:04:00.004Z

It's Saturday morning at Laurence and Mia's house.

The previous evening began with sophisticated wine including Journey's End Cabernet Sauvignon 2005, and it ended with five of us working hard to massively inflate JP Chenet's share price.

We're all so hungover that even our auras are dry-mouthed and stinking of stale red plonk.

As we mill around the living room, Laurence pats me on the backside in a friendly manner, like a sportsman congratulating a team mate. I barely notice.

His eyebrows lift and he pats again. And again. Except, it's more of a fondle - and I definitely notice.

"That's a surprisingly nice arse," he opines. "Hasn't he got a nice arse, your husband," he says to Emma, all the while slapping gently at my cheeks with a slightly cupped palm.

I take a step back, out of reach of my mate's hand.

"I dunno what to say," I grunt. "I've never had a man tell me that before."

Laurence lets out a little laugh. "I've never said that to a man before," he says.

"Well," I say, "it's been a new experience for the both of us, then."

Capital tunes!

2010-01-22T11:33:00.007Z

The project: compile a playlist of top London-centric tunes.

The rules: 20 songs had to be about the capital city or mention it in some way, they had to be on my iPod*, and each artist could only appear once.

The result:

Werewolves of London - Warren Zevon
I Love London (In Flagrante Vintage Mix) - Crystal Fighters
London's Burning - The Clash**
Do the Strand - Roxy Music
Baker Street - Gerry Rafferty
London Loves - Blur
Signs - Snoop Dogg feat. Charlie Wilson and Justin Timberlake
Lola - The Kinks
London Town - Light of the World
Itchycoo Park - Small Faces
Man Out of Time - Elvis Costello and the Attractions
London Town (Foamo Remix) - Man Like Me
Cool for Cats - Squeeze
Old Smokey - Linda Lewis
Chelsea Girl - Ride
Strange Town - The Jam
My Old Man - Ian Dury
Sticks 'n' Stones - Jamie T
Charlotte Street - Lloyd Cole and the Commotions
You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones

* Underworld's Born Slippy and London by The Smiths would've made the list were they not, inexplicably, missing from my MP3 player.
**This should be White Man (in Hammersmith Palais), but that track is another bewildering omission, iPod-wise.

Sole man

2010-01-19T09:14:00.012Z

I couldn't sleep last night, so I tried counting shoes.

I mentally totted up the footwear I own. (Hey! It was late, and I was willing to try any silly bollocks to get some kip.)

For a fat, ugly bastard with no fashion sense, I sure gotta lotta sole:

Trainers - 10 pairs
Flip-flops - 4 pairs
Smart shoes - 3 pairs
Chelsea boots - 2 pairs
Sandals - 2 pairs
Worker boots - 1 pair
Running shoes - 1 pair
Wellies - 1 pair

Total - 24 pairs. (No, I don't feel like a girl.)

Albums of 2009

2010-01-07T15:52:00.010Z

I was still buying 'em after Christmas, so I wasn't able to compile this nerdy list earlier. Even now, it's kinda vague.

Brilliant
Dark Touches – Har Mar Superstar
La Roux – La Roux
Post-Nothing – Japandroids

Very Good
Ciao! – Tiga
Cossus Snufsigalonica – Fear of Tigers
Duke Pandemonium – Marmaduke Duke
Fever Ray – Fever Ray
Heart On – Eagles of Death Metal
It's Blitz! – Yeah Yeah Yeahs

Good
Born Like This – Doom
The Invisible – The Invisible
Kingdom of Rust – Doves
Kings and Queens - Jamie T
Sainthood – Tegan & Sara
Truelove's Gutter – Richard Hawley
Two Suns – Bat for Lashes
The xx - The xx

Not bad
Horehound – The Dead Weather
Journal for Plague Lovers – Manic Street Preachers
Manners – Passion Pit
Tongue N' Cheek – Dizzee Rascal

Poor
Further Complications – Jarvis Cocker

Tiny knobhead

2010-01-03T17:42:00.012Z

On a late bus home last night some knobhead at the back was playing reggae at considerable volume.

I didn't risk a glance round at the culprit for fear of catching the eye of a nutter or surly piss-head - but I took a good look through the window after I'd alighted.

The music-blaring ignoramus turned out to be a tiny girl of about 13, who nervously returned my stare and then, as the bus pulled away, stuck out the tip of a timid, little tongue in my direction.

Hypothetical drummer wanted

2009-12-30T10:48:00.008Z

Disposable Raygun, the hypothetical pop band of no-hopers of which I'm the leader, are going to need a new drummer.

The original sticks-man, cousin Thomas, aged ten, is planning to form his own combo, The Betters, having received a guitar for Christmas.

Contact me somehow if you'd be interested in pretending to be the tub-thumper for a crappy, non-existent group.

People with talent need not apply.

Best tracks of 2009

2009-12-17T14:36:00.005Z

They're in no particular order.
The ones in red indicate my ten favourites.
(As usual, all acts appear only once. With one exception.)

Dead End – Master Shortie
Karate – Kennedy
I Love Pop Music – Ben Lee
(At Your Best) You Are Love – El Perro Del Mar
1,000 Cigarettes – MSTRKRFT feat. Freeway
Tiny Little Robots – Cage the Elephant
Rich Girls (Le Castle Vania's Spring Break No Parents Remix) – The Virgins
Everything is Moving So Fast – Great Lake Swimmers
Fantastadonculous - Fantastadon
Zero – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
I Can See the Future – Iran
BanGer – AC Slater
I Have Laid in the Darkness – Mazes
Head Straight (Radio Edit) – Alex Metric
Goodbye – P.O.S.
Panic Switch – Silversun Pickups
Kid Gloves (Electrically Charged Boy Remix) – Marmaduke Duke
Time Machine – So I’m Jo
In For The Kill (Skream's Let's Get Ravey Remix) – La Roux
Boy Crississippi – Boy Crisis
Rebellious Palpitations – Spinnerette
Strange Enough (Mr Ozio Remix) – N.A.S.A.
My Unusual Friend – Fruit Bats
Starry Eyed (Jakwob Remix) – Ellie Goulding
(I Used to Couldn’t Dance) Tight Pants – Eagles of Death Metal
Ask Your Heart (Echo Mix) – My Tiger My Timing
People Change – Bastian
Warped Sister – Booker T
Spaceship – Snob Scrilla
Angela – Jarvis Cocker
Zombies! (Hot Pink Delorean Thrillernight Remix) – Designer Drugs
Young Hearts Spark Fire – Japandroids
Black Magic (L’Amour la Morgue Edition) – Magic Wands
Rabbit Heart (Raise it Up) – Florence + the Machine
Mindwarp – Bachelorette
Winter Hill – Doves
Lost in the City – Plastique de Reve
Headlock – Esser
Rock Star (Understand) – The Young Punx
Good Beat – Bounce Camp
Houses – Great Northern
U R My Girl – Kiss in Cities
Molotov Cocktail – Galvatrons
Chaka Demus (Ben Bones Remix) – Jamie T
Triangle Walks (Tiga’s 1-2-3-4 Remix) – Fever Ray
I Feel Eternal – Speck Mountain
21 – Death Metal Disco Scene
Always More (Yusek Remix) – Autokratz
Long Live the Fallen World – Young Galaxies
OK (Headman Remix) – The Invisible
London Town (Foamo Remix) – Man Like Me
Pearl’s Dream – Bat For Lashes
I Love It (Fred Falke Remix) – Sneaky Sound System
Game Night – Har Mar Superstar feat. P.O.S. and Adam Green
Here He Comes (DJ Day Remix) – Tittsworth feat. Nina Sky and Pitbull
Fabric of Win (Radio Edit) – Joe and Will Ask?
Blackie’s Dead – Pete Yorn & Scarlett Johansson
Can You Hear Me? (DCUPs Horny Mix) – Evermore
Barcelona (CHEW LiPS Remix) – Plastiscines
Crystalised – The xx
Make You Mine (Death Metal Disco Scene Radio Mix) – Miami Horror
Bonkers – Dizzee Rascal feat. Armand Van Helden
I Love London (In Flagranti Vintage Mix) – Crystal Fighters
Ain't Nothing Like You (Hoochie Coo) – BlakRoc
People Say – Portugal. The Man
Go Get It (AC Slater Remix) – Sepalot
Ploy (First Burn) – Primary 1 with Polly Brown
Fun That We Have – Julian Plenti
Neon Disco (Autokratz Remix) – Disco Trash Music
Come Out, Come Out – I Was Totally Destroying It
Falling In Love – Galactik Knights
My Heart (AU Remix) – Wildbirds and Peacedrums
Theme of Palermo Disko Machine – Palermo Disko Machine
It’s True – Mr Russia
Shame on Me (Yuksek Remix) – Amanda Blank
Folksong Oblivion – The Phantom Band
Salt Air (Jupiter Remix) – Chew Lips
Change of Heart – El Perro Del Mar
What You Need – Priors
Zombie A-Go-Go – Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures
Miracle (Grum Remix) – Tommy Sparks
The Cure – Tegan & Sara
Set Me Free (Louis La Roche Reconstruction) – Phonat
Under Your Spell – Desire
Jerk It – Thunderheist
Liztomania – Phoenix
Black and White (Caspa Remix) – Miike Snow
Jak – Volcano Suns
Calabria (Hot Pink Delorean Remix) – Enur feat. Natasja
Theme of Palermo Disko Machine – Palermo Disko Machine
It’s True – Mr Russia
Shame on Me (Yuksek Remix) – Amanda Blank
Folksong Oblivion – The Phantom Band
Salt Air (Jupiter Remix) – Chew Lips
Change of Heart – El Perro Del Mar
What You Need – Priors
Zombie A-Go-Go – Captain Clegg and the Night Creatures
Miracle (Grum Remix) – Tommy Sparks
The Cure – Tegan & Sara
Set Me Free (Louis La Roche Reconstruction) – Phonat
Under Your Spell – Desire
Jerk It – Thunderheist
Liztomania – Phoenix
Black and White (Caspa Remix) – Miike Snow
Jak – Volcano Suns
Calabria (Hot Pink Delorean Remix) – Enur feat. Natasja
Alice - Sunn O)))

Bugged

2009-11-03T11:34:00.008Z

It must be a day for mildly distasteful encounters with creepy crawlies.

While on the train this morning I felt something tickling the back of my neck, so I felt around and removed what I thought was a lump of grit or fluff.

Then the lump walked down my finger.

It was a ladybird, one with a "fuck you" attitude.

A few minutes ago, Emma opened a sealed pack of pitta breads, which turned out to be the home of a fat fly. Yummy!

Bum war

2009-10-30T10:51:00.008Z

We're a bad influence on children, me and Emma; we've taught a stupendously daft game to various young 'uns in our family.

It's called bum war, the name being a play on thumb war - and like that battle of opposable digits, our shenanigans begin with a declaration: "One, two, three, four! I declare a bum war!" (The original call was, "Bum war! It's a bum war!")

The two combatants, standing back-to-back and bending slightly at the waist, then attempt to push the each other over using only the power of their rumps. This involves much slamming together of arse cheeks, staggering and giggling.

It's a sort of buttocky sumo, which often ends in one or more people toppling over in worring proximity to sharply cornered or easily breakable objects/furniture.

Number of injuries so far: zero.

Potential for injuries in the future: massive.

Change of plan

2009-10-23T12:16:00.005+01:00

Phil from sales and I met this morning in the office kitchenette, where we discussed our plans for the weekend.

His involved little more than drinking with mates: the sort of thing I used to do most Saturdays when, like Phil, I was in my 20s.

"Now I'm older and married," I said, "and I go to relatives' 50th birthday parties".

"It's like you're already dead," he mock-snarled.

Wee encounter

2009-10-20T12:11:00.008+01:00

I was in a Madison Avenue diner last week, waiting to use the single cubicle reserved for gents.

The door opened and a small, middle-aged woman emerged. She saw me glance at the little sign indicating that this was the bog for blokes.

"I know!" she squawked in a thick Noo Yawk accent. "Don't even go there!"

Perhaps I should've raised a fuss, just to see if she'd say, "Talk to the hand".

Come again

2009-10-09T12:13:00.007+01:00

During my days as a reporter in Sheffield, I palmed off a couple of no-longer-wanted grumble mags on to my friend and colleague Andrew.

He was particularly taken with a photo set of a saucy minx stripping off her maid's outfit.

"I've been getting the cleaner in quite a lot," he admitted on the bus one afternoon. "But..."

I guessed what he was gonna say, so I was already chortling as he finished, "...she always leaves a mess behind".

Strapping approach

2009-10-08T09:50:00.009+01:00

The Daily Mirror, as its regular readers will know, features one-word straplines above its shorter stories and NIBs.

Take this morning's edition for instance: "arrest" appears over the headline "Brit OAP in flat murder"; "troops" accompanies "Obama: no Afghan exit".

I first noticed this house style a couple of years ago, one fantastic day when the straps were things like "crime", "epidemic", "rescue", "war", "death" - and then, several pages in, "milk".

Beer, blood and urine

2009-10-02T11:00:00.005+01:00

I was having a few beers with a couple of lads from the ad sales department, Al and Phil. We were sharing tales of drunken shenanigans.

Phil related an incident of a night out in which, much the worse for wear, he returned to his drink after a trip to the bog and then noticed that the front of his strides were wet.

Has someone spilt their beer on me, he wondered, before realising that his crotch was soaked with his own urine. Naturally, he was mortified (at the time).

"Look on the bright side," I said. "Better it were piss than blood."

"Hey! Steady on!" exclaimed Al.