TOTUS: Conservative Political Commentary

The Evils of Drugs

2013-05-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

The judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see you back in court Monday".

Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever "17 people"? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this

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and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs".

"That's admirable", said the judge. "And you, how did you do?" (to the 2nd boy)

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever". "156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that!?" "Well, I used a similar approach. (draws two circles)

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I said (pointing to small circle) this is your a$$hole before prison.....

***********************************************************

SPEAKING OF BEFORE AND AFTER

BEFORE OBAMA

AFTER OBAMA

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Theory and Reality

2013-05-17T07:44:00.001-04:00

One day, this kid came home from school with a homework assignment. His assignment: To tell the class the next day the difference between theory and reality. He asked his father for help. "Dad, what's the difference between theory and reality?"

"That's easy, son." the father replied. He gestured to his son to go ask his sister a question. "Go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with any guy for a million bucks."

The kid went upstairs and asked his sister, "Hey, Sis! Would you sleep with any guy for a million dollars?" His sister gave a disgusted look and yelled, "Pervert!" Then casually continued, "Of course I would, fool. Are you stupid? It's a million bucks!" The kid quickly ran downstairs to tell his dad. "Dad, dad, she said yes, yes she would sleep with any guy for a million bucks."

Then the dad said, "Now go ask your mother the same question." The kid ran back upstairs and asked his mom, "Mom, would you sleep with any guy for a million bucks?" The mom answered, "Of course! That's allot of money!" The kid then ran back downstairs again to tell his dad. "Dad dad, she said yes, yes she'll sleep with any guy for a million bucks!"

Then his dad mildly answered, "You see, son, that's the difference between theory and reality. In theory, we're living on a gold mine. In reality, we're living with two whores!"

THEORY

REALITY

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The Love of Football

2013-05-16T00:51:00.000-04:00

There was this guy who *LOVED* football. It was his dream to go to the super bowl. One year, he scrimped and saved and cut every corner possible, and he was able to buy a ticket.

Unable to afford a plane ticket, he hitchhiked to the game, and got to his seat (way up in the nosebleed section) ready to watch his dream game. His seats really suck. He's way in the middle of nowhere, and even has a pole in front of him that he has to lean sideways to see around, but at least he's there!

He's scanning the crowd, and he sees that one seat, way down in the middle, only 5 rows off the 50-yard line is empty! Gee's, how the heck could someone pay that much for a ticket and not show up!?!?

This is driving the poor guy crazy, so he has to find out what's going on. During half-time, he runs down and makes it to the empty seat. It's a 2-person box, and there is a guy in the other seat. He says, "Is that your seat?" The guy says, "yea, it's my wife's seat. We come here together every year."

He says, "Well, where is she?"

The guy says, "She passed away..."

So, he says "gee... Sorry to hear that. So, why'd you come alone?

The guy says, "I couldn't get anyone to come with me." He says, "What? Are you nuts? You couldn't find a friend or brother or cousin, or ANYONE?!?!?!"

And the guy says "Nope. They all wanted to go to the funeral."

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Barack Obama aka Sgt. Schultz (I see nothing)

2013-05-15T09:05:00.002-04:00

IS THE OBAMA TURNING A BLIND EYE TO WHAT'S GOING ON AROUND HIM? DOES HE REALLY NOT KNOW, OR IS HE JUST HOPING THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL SEE EITHER. PERHAPS HE IS SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME ON THE GOLF LINKS AND AT FUNDRAISERS TO KNOW WHATS GOING ON. BUT EVEN WORSE IS THAT HE REALLY IS A SMART GUY WITH HIS FINGERS ON THE BUTTONS AND IS IN FULL CONTROL OF THE EVENTS SCANDALIZING WASHINGTON. IN EITHER CASE HE IS MAKING A DAMN MESS OF THINGS.

BARACK IS STARTING TO LOOK MORE AND MORE LIKE SGT. SCHULTZ OF HOGAN'S HEROES.
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My Dogs Qualified for Welfare

2013-05-14T08:39:00.006-04:00

This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.

At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English, and have no frigging clue who their Daddy’s are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. My dogs get their first welfare check next month.

THIS IS ONE OF MY DOGS (FOR REAL)

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A Marine's Tale

2013-05-13T08:00:00.002-04:00

A MARINE WAS DEPLOYED TO AFGHANISTAN.

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Happy Mother's Day Hillary Clinton, from the Grieving Mother of a Benghazi Victim.

2013-05-12T08:54:00.001-04:00

THE MOTHER OF BENGHAZI VICTIM, SEAN SMITH WISHING HILLARY CLINTON HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY. HILLARY RODNEY CLINTON WAS THE ONE WHO LOOKED SEAN SMITH'S MOTHER IN THE EYE, WHILE STANDING BESIDE HIS COFFIN, WHEN HIS BODY WAS BROUGHT BACK FROM LIBYA AND TOLD THE GRIEVING MOM THAT THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE VIDEO THAT CAUSED THE ATTACKS ON THE CONSULATE IN BENGHAZI WOULD BE BROUGHT TO JUSTICE.

THAT PERSON HAD NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ATTACKS, BUT THE LADY HOLDING THE HANDS OF THAT GRIEVING MOTHER AND CONSOLING HER WAS ONE OF THE VERY PEOPLE WHO PUT HER SON AND OTHERS IN HARMS WAY. A POSITION THAT LED TO THEIR DEATHS. SO HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY HILLARY. LET'S PRAY THAT IF YOUR DAUGHTER EVER GOES INTO THE FOREIGN SERVICE, WE WILL HAVE A PRESIDENT AND SECRETARY OF STATE THAT CARES ABOUT THE SAFETY OF THOSE ON DISTANT SHORES. AND WILL STEP UP TO THE PLATE WHEN THEIR LIVES ARE IN DANGER.

ALSO POSTED AT OBAMA CARTOONS
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Ariel Castro, a card-carrying Registered Democrat as well as Rapist Kidnapper!

2013-05-11T15:44:00.002-04:00

WE NOW KNOW THAT ARIEL CASTRO IS A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT. AT A TIME IN OUR HISTORY WHERE THE POLITICAL AFFILIATION OF THOSE COMMITTING CRIMES IS OFTEN EXPOSED BY THOSE IN THE MEDIA IF THEY ARE REPUBLICANS, THE SILENCE OF THE LEFT LEANING MEDIA AS TO CASTRO'S POLITICAL LEANINGS HAS BEEN EXPOSED BY A HANDFUL OF BRAVE CONSERVATIVE BLOGGERS.

WE WILL SAY NOTHING ABOUT HIS FLYING THE FLAG OF PUERTO RICO OUTSIDE HIS HOME AS THOSE IN THE MSM WERE ALSO SILENT ON THIS ISSUE, BUT ONE DOES WONDER HOW THEY WOULD HAVE ACTED IF THE FLAG HAD BEEN THE CONFEDERATE STARS AND BARS. HECK, THEY WOULD HAVE SOILED THEMSELVES IN ALL THEIR EXCITEMENT IN TRYING TO BE FIRST TO BREAK THE STORY. WOMEN'S RIGHTS GROUPS HAVE OFTEN CRITICIZED THOSE ON THE RIGHT FOR THEIR TREATMENT OF WOMEN, BUT NOW THAT ITS A REGISTERED DEMOCRAT WHO WAS KEEPING WOMEN BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT THEY ARE SILENT.

H/T TO THE PEOPLES CUBE

ALSO POSTED AT OBAMA CARTOONS

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Stain on Hillary Clinton or was it Monica's Dress?

2013-05-10T17:50:00.001-04:00

THERE ARE STAINS AND THEN THERE ARE STAINS. FEW THINGS STICK TO THE CLINTONS, BUT THOSE AROUND THEM ARE NOT SO FORTUNATE.

H/T TO HOPE n CHANGE CARTOONS

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Making People Happy

2013-05-09T13:54:00.003-04:00

FLYING ON AIR FORCE ONE, OBAMA LOOKED AT OPRAH, CHUCKLED AND SAID, "YOU KNOW, I COULD THROW A $1,000 BILL OUT OF THE WINDOW RIGHT NOW AND MAKE SOMEBODY VERY HAPPY".

OPRAH SHRUGGED HER SHOULDERS AND REPLIED, I COULD THROW TEN $100 BILLS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND MAKE TEN PEOPLE VERY HAPPY.

MICHELLE ADDED, "THAT BEING THE CASE, I COULD THROW ONE HUNDRED $10 BILLS OUT OF THE WINDOW AND MAKE A HUNDRED PEOPLE VERY HAPPY".

HEARING THEIR EXCHANGE, THE PILOT ROLLED HIS EYES AND SAID TO HIS CO-PILOT, " SUCH BIG-SHOTS BACK THERE. I COULD THROW ALL THREE OF THEM OUT THE WINDOW AND MAKE 256 MILLION PEOPLE HAPPY.

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Alcohol Consumption

2013-05-08T22:03:00.002-04:00

Due to increasing product liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.

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Bill of No Rights

2013-05-07T15:36:00.001-04:00

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters. We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do not have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do not have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

You do not have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to *pursue* happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

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Barack and Gang Party at New Orleans Mardi Gras

2013-05-06T17:54:00.001-04:00

PARTY TIME IN THE BIG EASY FOR BARACK AND GANG.

PLAY MUSIC VIDEO WITH GIF FOR THE BEST EFFECT. JOE GOT RHYTHM, TOO!!!!!!!!!!

ALSO POSTED AT OBAMA CARTOONS
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Preacher's Visit

2013-05-05T21:21:00.002-04:00

A PREACHER VISITS AN ELDERLY WOMAN FROM HIS CONGREGATION. AS HE SITS ON THE COUCH HE NOTICES A LARGE BOWL OF PEANUTS ON THE COFFEE TABLE.

"MIND IF I HAVE A FEW?" HE ASKS. "NO NOT AT ALL" THE WOMAN REPLIED. THEY CHAT FOR AN HOUR AND AS THE PREACHER STANDS TO LEAVE, HE REALIZES INSTEAD OF EATING JUST A FEW PEANUTS, HE EMPTIED MOST OF THE BOWL. "I'M SO SORRY FOR EATING ALL YOUR PEANUTS, I REALLY JUST MEANT TO EAT A FEW," STATED THE PREACHER. "THAT'S ALL RIGHT," REPLIED THE WOMAN. "EVER SINCE I LOST MY TEETH ALL I CAN DO IS SUCK THE CHOCOLATE OFF THEM"!!!

LEAVE ME A COMMENT

I'LL STEAL YOUR NUTS!

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The Facelift

2013-05-04T20:36:00.002-04:00

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. "Well," says the doctor, "I can do the facelift, and then you'll have to come back in six months for a follow-up."

"Oh, no." the woman replies. "I want it all done in one shot. I don't want to have to come back." The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, "There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear." "That's what I want!" exclaims the lady. "Let's do that." Six months later the lady charges into the doctor's office. "Well, how's the procedure holding up?" the doctor asks. "Terrible!" the lady bellows. "It's the worst mistake I've ever made." "What's wrong?" asks the doctor. "Just look at these bags under my eyes!" she hollers.

"Lady," the doctor retorts, "those aren't bags, those are your tits. And if you don't leave that screw alone, you're going to have a beard!"

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Generic name for Viagra

2013-05-03T13:00:00.001-04:00

All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is Acetaminophen. Advil is Ibuprofen, etc For the last few months, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

Yesterday they announced that they have finally settled on a name for it, and it will be called "Mycosafailin".

BONUS POST:

H/T TO MILITARY LULZ
ISLAMIC SUICIDE BOMBER
WANTING THOSE 72 PLAYMATES!!!

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Fourth Marriage

2013-05-02T16:09:00.000-04:00

A woman getting married for the fourth time goes to a bridal shop and asks for a white dress. "You can't wear white, you've been married three times already" says the sales clerk.

"Of course I can, I'm a virgin." says the bride. "That's impossible", says the clerk. "Unfortunately not" the bride explains: "My first husband was a Psychologist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a Gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My third husband was a stamp collector, God I miss him.

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Today's Bad Idea

2013-05-01T23:46:00.002-04:00

Just when you think a person can't get any dumber..... This will cleanse the gene pool a little!

I know, I saw it right away, too! No Safety Glasses or Hearing Protection! And I caught something else that is really important: he has no gloves on. I might be getting older, but I am still sharp as a tack!

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Politics Explained

2013-04-30T21:13:00.001-04:00

MANY SO-CALLED ASTUTE OBSERVERS WILL TRY AND COMPLICATE THE OBVIOUS WHEN TRYING TO EXPLAIN POLITICS WHEN ITS REALLY QUITE SIMPLE.

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Real Texans are not afraid of Obama

2013-04-30T00:37:00.002-04:00

WHY TEXANS HAVE NO FEAR OF BARACK OBAMA!

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How to Create an Obama Voter without really trying! Or story of the trained Rat!

2013-04-29T16:34:00.002-04:00

JUST LIKE PEA-BRAINED OBAMA VOTERS, PEA-BRAINED RATS CAN LEARN TO PULL THE LEVER FOR FREE STUFF.

SOCIALISM WORKS UNTIL YOU RUN OUT OF OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY!

CARTOON BY GLENN McCOY

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Non-English Speaking Muslim Protesters

2013-04-28T20:42:00.001-04:00

Most Syrians struggle to even read Arabic, much less have a clue about reading English. So, how do a group of Syrian protest leaders create the most impact with their signs? By having the standard ‘Death To Americans’ (etc) slogans printed in English! So, who prints them?

Answer: They simply hire an English-speaking civilian to translate and write their statements into English. However, in this case, they were unaware that the ‘civilian’ employee hired for the job was a retired US Army Sergeant! Obviously, the results were PRICELESS!

THIS PICTURE HAS NOT BEEN DOCTORED!

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Applicant and Government Job

2013-04-27T07:46:00.001-04:00

A man goes to the federal building to apply for a job in the office.

The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”

“Have you ever worked for the public service before?”

“Yes, I was in the army.” he says, “I was in Iraq for two tours.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.”

Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles”.

The interviewer grimaces and then says, “O.K. You’ve got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm… …but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day.”

The man is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10.00am? I’m not looking for any special treatment y’know”

“What you have to understand is that this is a government job,” the interviewer says, “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

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Famed Country Music singer, George Jones, dead at 81

2013-04-26T12:26:00.001-04:00

GEORGE JONES, PERHAPS THE GREATEST STAR IN COUNTRY MUSIC HISTORY IS DEAD AT AGE 81. READ THE FULL STORY HERE.

Women shot in the Head

2013-04-25T21:58:00.001-04:00

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car.

He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head.

When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered. Linda is blonde, a Democrat and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence

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