my aim is true

dum de dum...

2012-10-08T00:41:00.001-04:00

...it's been a minute, hasn't it? Been waaaay too long, in my opinion.

I have been the busiest bee on the planet.

In the history of the world.

Ugh.

I do not like working. Or rather, I do not like leaving Meghan. She is so broken hearted in the morning, if she's awake when I leave. Screaming and crying, my poor baby. I hate that part. And, if I've had a rough day (or even an awesome day), she is always super excited to see me come through the door at the end of the day.

"MOMMY! Mommy's home! Mommy's home, Daddy! Mommy!"

I love that part.

I actually like working at a credit union. It's a lot of fun and I like the people I work with, which is awesome. Plus, I have tomorrow off because it's Columbus Day. Bonus!

Drew' younger brothers, Luke (19) and Jake (16) have stayed the weekend with us and we have had a lot of fun! Today we did Epic Meal Time! (see youtube for reference) We made a bacon weave coffin with a corpse made of meats laying in it. Covered in onion rings and sweet potatoe fries for good measure. Drew made a homemade barbeque sauce for blood around the "neck" area of our corpse. We made his arms and legs from sausages and a torso of meatloaf stuffed with chili sauce and shredded cheddar completed his body!

Then we ate it.

Hahaha, we had so much fun! The boys have been playing video games and watching funny youtube videos all weekend. But, tomorrow they have to go back home. :( It was nice to have a bunch of family over for a bit, it can get too quiet with just the 3 of us here in this big house.

In the land of babies, I am still not pregnant. Still having weird, random spotting in between periods. Alex (Drew's brother Pat's wife) is still pregnant. And, as her belly grows, my heart seems to ache more and more. I am envious of her, because she is growing this amazing thing, this life inside of her and my belly is still empty. I think it's made worse by the fact that she hates being pregnant. Hates it. How is that even possible? I find it inconceivable (no pun intended) that someone would hate being pregnant, because I loved it! I loved every minute of it and I miss it so much.

Sigh. Off to bed for me.

Friday letters...

2012-09-16T19:52:00.000-04:00

from 2 days ago. ;) Here we go:

Dear co-workers in training, Some of you are awesome. Some of you are not.
Dear Pat and Alex, So glad you stopped over the other night for dinner and accompanying us to Toys'R'Us for the 2nd time in 2 days.
Dear Self, Do not judge others for the choices they have made. Or will make. You are not perfect either. "When we know better, we do better."
Dear Shelly, Val, Matt and Corey, Thanks for visiting last night and going to pick up the pizza in the pouring rain/thunderstorm and the wings from the shadiest place ever.
Dear Joey, Thanks for stopping over every day. Living in the country does have it's advantages. ;)
Dear Meghan, Please, please go to sleep easily tonight. I figured out what I want to do with my hair tomorrow and it requires a nightly shower. Not gonna happen if you wear me out little girl! :)
Dear Self, Tomorrow is a new day.

Sunday...

2012-09-16T17:16:00.000-04:00

...is definitely not Friday. I'll be doing my Friday letters in a separate (yet equal) post. Sorry I've slacked a bit. But, my first week back at work has been tough! It's been especially challenging since it's the first (of three) weeks of training, so we went through all the really boring stuff. HR and W-4's and cancer insurance and term life insurance and accidental death and disability insurance and 401k and empire vision discounts... Do you see where I'm here? Plus we learned the differences between credit unions and banks (the 4-letter word, hah), Empower's beliefs and values. The ABC's of professionalism (Attitude, Behavior and Communication) What to do in a robbery...etc.

Pretty exciting.

We did get to shadow different employees at 3 branches, that was neat. Next week, I'll learn actual functions of my position, the starting Friday I'll be training in the branch!

It's amazing how a first day at work is almost the same as a first day back at school. Stressing over what outfit to wear and how to style my hair. (Which reminds me, I need to figure out both for tomorrow!)

But, I made it through the first week fairly unharmed. Excepting for Meghan. She has not taken the transition very well. Before, she could be asleep within minutes. Now it's taking upwards of an hour. Her record is an hour and 20 minutes. Which is just ridiculous. :( Sadfaces all around. Those nights where it took an hour+, I would fall right asleep after, just mentally exhausted. Yuck.

So much for getting into an exercise routine.

We've also made it through our first week housesitting for Drew's grandparents while they drive cross country for their 50th anniversary. I hope Drew and I do something as exciting and fun for our 50th! :)

I think the combination of me being gone for 8+ hours a day and us housesitting is what's causing Meghan so much distress at night. We don't have our furniture or bedding, but we did bring Meg's crib mattress and her blankie. She calls her little spot in the corner, her bed. So. Hopefully we're making some headway there.

I've been wanting to use this opportunity (mostly empty house) to really get crafty with sewing and crochet, get my etsy store finally filled with items. But, it's not happening. You'd think I'd be able to get something done with a whole weekend spread before me. Yet, here we are on Sunday...

I'll leave you with that. And go work on my Friday letters...from 2 days ago. :)

Rebecca Black...

2012-09-07T12:32:00.000-04:00

...will forever run through my head on Fridays. For the rest of my life.

So, Dear Rebecca, Thanks for making the most infectious song in the history of the world.
Dear Body, Get it together! Strep throat, crazy cramps and weird spotting are driving me bananas!
Dear MegPie, Hold on, just one blog post then I'll "off 'puter, momma, out!" (get off the computer and go outside)
Dear Self, Go pack something! Housesitting like, tomorrow!
Dear Car, Hold it together, I got a job! I'm gonna need some reliable transportation!
Dear Angie, Thanks for all the laughs, can't wait to make new memories at the end of September!
Dear Olivia, Glad to (not) hear so much One Direction lately, my mind needed a break! :)
Dear Ben, I finally wrote that letter.
Dear Carrie, Happy 18th Birthday, CarrieBerry, hope it's fabulous and full of yellow :)
Dear Readers, You're Welcome. :D

th is for...

2012-09-06T15:32:00.001-04:00

...Thursday. Totally thought today was Friday, so I was thinking up things to write for my "Friday Letters". I'll just have to save those for tomorrow. :) Only 3 more days until I start my new job! I am super excited, but I cannot for the life of me decide what I want to wear the first day. Or how to do my hair. We have to have pictures taken for IDs. Might as well be back to school, because it feels like it!

The kids are about to step off the bus, they started school on Tuesday. Sean is in Kindergarten, Danielle 1st grade, Olivia 7th, Eileen 8th, Jake 10th and Carrie is going for her GED. Carrie rides the bus, but then gets bused from the high school to the little city to take GED and childcare classes.

We've had to pick Carrie up early from school the last 2 days, Doctor appointment yesterday and then today she didn't feel well. She said she ate the school's pizza and then felt really nauseous.

But! I actually ran all my errands I needed to, today. Bank and storage unit. Now I really have no excuse to be packing. Ugh, I hate packing, but I love going on trips! Soon I'll be reporting from Drew's grandparents house. Not gonna lie, it'll be nice to blog/facebook/surf the internet without any background noise ;)

Carrie's birthday is tomorrow, she will be 18! We were talking yesterday about what kind of food we'll have for her birthday dinner and she listed off: asparagus, artichokes, Brussels sprouts, lobster, scallops...quite the extravagant dinner! I'm alright with any of those, except the artichokes. Yuck. I've only had them once, while I was studying abroad in Italy, my roommate (also from Wells) made them, but I did not enjoy them. :)

OK. Time to pack. Ugh.

Happy...

2012-09-05T14:42:00.000-04:00

...Wednesday! Well, it would be if I could keep my head on straight. I had a rather odd labor dream last night (involving a wacky roommate who had already birthed her baby, but her friends/family were celebrating with a disco ball, lights, and bubbles. Yes, bubbles.) and I think it threw my whole day off. The plan was to go to the storage unit and get some things out of it so I can pack up 3 lives. That was the only thing I had to do today because Dylan was supposed to get here at 2pm and Lacie would be picking him up around dinner time.

Then, I decided I may as well take my weekly UPS drop off (15 minutes away) and if I'm doing that I might as well go to the little city to visit the bank (30 minutes). So, we get to the little city, drop off my package and we're driving around when we get a call from Kim that Dylan got dropped off. Two and a half hours early. (Thanks, Mom) Kim graciously agreed to watch Dylan and we agreed to pick up Carrie from school, so Kim could make 1 less trip to the little city today. (She has to take Carrie to the big city for a doctor's appointment, then back to the little city to pick Val up from work)

We enjoyed the Chinese buffet near the McDonald's and TOPS (grocery store) on the outskirts of town, near Carrie's school. (for you locals who read this, the sushi is sublime!)

To top it off, as we are driving home (now 15 minutes from the bank and home) I realize I never went to the bank! I intended to go after dropping off the package, but then we ended up at the buffet; so I was going to stop after we picked up Carrie. Instead, I just drove straight home.

And we didn't stop at the storage unit, either.

All in all, a successful day. ;)

Tomorrow we are off to Arby's for free turkey sandwiches (11am-1pm, ya'll!) and the ice cream shop with pumpkin soft serve...yum!

And then the storage unit, of course.

no title...

2012-09-02T05:32:00.000-04:00

...because it's 440am EST and I don't know why I'm awake.

Ok, I do. Because I fell asleep with Meghan at 9pmish and slept. And slept. And slept some more. So, now I'm up for a bit. Thinking about getting work done, but I don't really want to.

I am a part of Wells College's FARGO Board (Friends And Recent Graduates Organization) which is comprised of alumnae/i of the last 10 years who actively engage with the current students, host different events throughout the year and fund raise for the school.

Not only am I a member, but my bff Angie convinced me to run as Vice-Chair alongside her as Chair and we are now leading this whole shabang. So. It's a lot more work than we anticipated, as apparently leaders before us were just sort of winging it. Like, a lot.

So, when I refer to 'getting work done', I mean emailing lots of people, updating and regulating our Facebook page (shameless plug, hah) and creating a master list of members and their information in a spreadsheet.

Little did I know how much I loathe spreadsheets.

Until now.

we are...

2012-08-29T09:19:00.000-04:00

...never ever ever getting back together. I cannot get that Taylor Swift song out of my head. I've only heard it all the way through once on the radio and that was a few days ago...

Crazy head.

Lots of crazy things going on, no surprise there. I'll be watching Dylan this week and then, that's it! Forever! I am so so relieved. I never really wanted to watch him, I started when Meghan was 4 months old and I mostly don't enjoy it. At the time, we were living in our apartment in the suburbs and I liked being a stay-at-home momma to just one baby. I was sort of forced into it, Lacie and my mom were both pushing for it. In their eyes, being a sahm is not a job and to not be making an income is just not enough contribution to the world. Blargh. In some ways, I feel cheated out of Meg's babyhood. I don't know if that's weird of not, because my nephew shouldn't feel like an observer, but he did. Does. Sometimes.

Of course, being here is different, I'm thankful Meg has other kids to play with around her age, every day. Plus she's older and so much more independent. And my mom and sister really sold it to me, "You'll get paid", "it's only 4 days a week", etc. Well, $100 a week for 40+ hours is crap. I would much rather being doing something and get paid a real wage for it.

Paid, full time, training for my new job (Part Time teller at Empower FCU) starts September 10th. That's just 2 days after we move in with Drew's grandparents before they leave for their cross country vacation on September 12th. So, Meg will be going through a lot of change in a short amount of time. We all will.

And I am totally cool with that.

I'm ready to switch it up. I think I'll be able to get a bunch of crafty stuff done and work on actually getting my etsy store off the proverbial ground. We will of course, be less crowded and have more room. Even with working like crazy, I'll be able to set up my sewing machine and crochet stuff somewhere and just sit down (or pick it up) whenever I want. I haven't bothered with the sewing machine here because after I get Meghan to sleep, clean the kitchen table/area and set the machine up, it'd be 10pm. So there wasn't really a point to it. My poor crochet projects have been sitting on the shelf next to the couch for months. I never did finish Drew's cousin's baby blanket (Kim's sister's daughter, Jess gave birth to her daughter on Sean's 5th birthday. July 24th)

Thinking about straightening my hair today. Just for the fun of it. Maybe while I'm off washing diapers...

friday...

2012-08-25T00:44:00.000-04:00

...Friday, gotta get down on Friday. Ok, technically it's Saturday. Sorry 'bout that. Been hella busy lately/today especially. Without further ado,

Dear Friday, Hot dang, could you get any crazier? I would like to get things done and not have to crash for 5 hours in the afternoon.
Dear Sickness, Thanks for letting me crash for 5 hours this afternoon.
Dear Hubby, See above.
Dear Empower Thanks for the job offer! Super excited to get a drug screen on Monday! (not) But, definitely excited for Full Time paid training starting September 10th! ;)
Dear Ben, I have been meaning to write you letter. I am seriously going to go do that. In about 5 minutes.
Dear Crazy Sunday, Sorry if I'm slacking, it's going to be a crazy day thanks to 2 birthday parties, one of which is a tea party for a certain 7 year old princess ;)
Dear Self, For the love of pete, do not have strep. Please.
Dear Body, Is Aunt Flow gone yet? Because she is not welcome here. Especially not if she shows up in September.

I am in rare...

2012-08-22T22:12:00.003-04:00

...form today, I suppose. Just when you're at your wit's end and think maybe a nap at 6pm is looking brilliant, your in-laws walk in the door from their camping vacation! Huge weight lifted off my shoulders as I will be hearing significantly less amounts of "Meghan is..." "Sean took my...", " Danielle won't stop...", "I can't find my...", "SoAndSo is sick..." and my personal favorite, "I'm Hungry!" :)

Can't believe it's almost 10 o'clock, I have my interview at Empower tomorrow morning and have to be out the door by 9...which reminds me I should probably look up directions tonight, instead of in the morning like I did last time.

There. Took care of that.

Now, I just have to figure out what to wear. I asked Drew (always has the insightful answer hah) and he suggested the skirt with the blue and green circles on it. And then I pointed to my bottom half. (I was wearing aforementioned skirt) We laughed and then I mentally tried to figure something out. I don't know if I should go with a skirt/top or a dress. Probably a skirt, I wear them more often and am more comfortable in them than in the dresses I own.

I was in a little bit of a rush last time and I think it showed, I didn't get my hair right and was sort of flying out the door. I hope to be more collected tomorrow. Also, the woman I met with last time will be there, along with a supervisor, a branch manager and a district manager. Probably all of those people. No worries. :)

So say a little prayer, shout out, sing a song, etc for me and hopefully my Friday Letters post will start off on a happy note ;)

yummmm...

2012-08-21T12:59:00.000-04:00

...made iced coffee this morning. Definitely the best way to start the day. We only had a little of the Pumpkin Spice coffee left, so I put half of that and half regular Arabica in the coffee maker. Yum! We're all out of milk, so a trip to the little town market sometime today...perhaps I'll take a kid or two. :)

In much more riveting news, got my results from the blood draw on Saturday, my HCG level was at a 4! That means I am definitely having a period right now (awesome) and we can conceive (awesomer!) Super excited! When I got off the phone with the nurse, I turned to Drew and said "Let's make a baby!" Haha.

Hopefully, I'll have a rainbow baby update in 4ish weeks ;)

I had the screening test with Empower yesterday, and I passed it, which means I am not an idiot :) I have an official interview with a branch on Thursday morning. I still have a phone interview with M&T on Friday morning as well. They're both for part time teller positions, which I think will be perfect. I don't want a full time job (whether we need it or not) I think I got really burnt out when I was working before; just working, homekeeping and sleeping. It was really rough not having any time to be creative.

Also, Sunday is Danielle's 7th birthday (also my Grandma's birthday) and Danielle is having a tea party! I am excited for all the yummies we'll be eating. Plus we get to dress up! It will be a long day with 2 parties to go to!

In September, Drew's grandparents are celebrating their 50th anniversary by driving cross country! They'll be gone for 6 (or more) weeks and we will be house sitting for them. We go there on the 8th and if I get the position with Empower, training for that starts the 10th, so lots of changes! Haven't figured out what we'll do if Drew is working too, as far as Meghan is concerned. I'd hate to have to drive him to work, Meghan to Cato (so Kim can watch her :D) and then to the suburbs of the big city to work. (not the suburb we lived in before, the one where Colleen and Joey live, for those of you who know me in real life)

I'm sure it will all work out. It always does.

sunday...

2012-08-19T14:56:00.000-04:00

...funday? I don't know about that one. Kim and Tom (in-laws) have gone camping in the Adirondacks until at least Wednesday. Or whenever they run out of food. And they took food. A lot of food. Haha. So I am in charge (of course!) with Drew, Val, Matt, Luke, Carrie (she's at her boyfriend's house right now), Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean. And Meghan. Dylan comes tomorrow, but that's the only day this week. I don't really count Val and Matt as they're very self-sufficient and tend to stay in their room. A lot.

Kim cooked up a bunch of food before she left like taco meat and sloppy joes (YUM). We'll be eating like the Kennedys while they're gone. My mom used to say that a lot whenever we had something good to eat, instead of sandwiches or ramen night. ;)

Kim laughed when she read my Friday letter post, I didn't know I was so funny! I was serious about the womb/blood work part. I had my (hopefully last) blood drawn yesterday, but I won't hear the results until Monday when the Dr's office calls me. I wrote that because I'm pretty sure my period is back! (hurray!) This feels like a postpartum period too, which is good, but I am seriously crampy and cranky and exhausted and constantly hungry. I ate 4 baked potatoes with dinner the other. FOUR. POTATOES. What was I thinking?! I was thinking I was hungry, that's what! Hah.

I applied to a bunch of positions over the past 10 daysish and M&T bank and Empower Credit Union have both called back! I have a screening test tomorrow morning with Empower and a phone interview with M&T Friday morning. So. Maybe I'll be getting a job. :)

I think I'm going to lost it today if these kids keep eating all the freeze pops. And I'm not even talking about the youngest 3 kids. :D

thinking...

2012-08-17T10:48:00.000-04:00

...about doing one of those weekly post thingers that other bloggers do. You know, "Wordless Wednesday", etc. This one is called "Friday's Letters" where you write little notes to people or places or things...

So. Here goes.

Dear Meghan, Quit growing! At 2 years old, Meghan at 26.4 pounds/35 inches (~12 kg/90 cm for my international readers ;)) is taller than 75% of the other 2 year old kids and right around normal for weight. She's always been long and thin and I hope she continues. Drew is 6 ft (183 cm) and I am 5'8" (172.5 cm), so there's no surprise that she's a baby Amazon.
Dear M&T, Empower FCU, and every other job I've applied to in the last week, Please, please hire me. I need a job. We need some type of income and I don't know how much longer we can stand it.
Dear Sister, Get it together.
Dear HCG Bloodwork, Come back 0, or 150 and climbing fast...
Dear Other Sister, Get it together and forgive the other one.
Dear Car, Please, please do not break down. Not now.
Dear Husband, Come home from camping! I need you. We miss you!
Dear Womb, Please. Please.
Dear Self, Pray. For patience and guidance and wisdom. Also, go for a walk, lazy butt!

Whew! One down, a bajillion Fridays to go...

happy...

2012-08-16T10:52:00.001-04:00

...Tuesday! Well, pretty ordinary actually. I'm taking Meghan and Freddy to the pediatrician for their 2 year and 1 year checkups, respectively. Kait and I have been playing the compare game since Freddy starting catching up to Meghan, weight wise, even though they're a year apart.

Freddy's always been a chunky baby and so was Dylan, I think because they were only breastfed for a short while and then had formula until a year. Whereas Meg was and has been breastfed for almost 25 months! Never thought we'd get this far. When we left the hospital, I was pumping with little output and Meghan was supplemented with formula. I'm so proud that we got this far.

The look on my face is a little ridiculous because Meghan was trying to lift my shirt as Eileen took the picture!

Well, it's Thursday now, I hardly get around to posting the same day I start writing. I wrote last week about the miscarriage, now here's an update (?) I've been having bloodwork done every 1-2 weeks since we found out I was miscarrying to make sure my HCG (pregnancy hormone) levels are going down. I started out at 87 (sometime in July, when I started asking the nurse what my levels were at), they'd like to see me down to 0 and as of 2 weeks ago, I was at 18. So. I get to go back again. Kim keeps joking that she hopes it's up to 150 (meaning I'd be preggo ;) ) Well, I hope so too! The levels have been gradually coming down, I'm not worried and the office isn't concerned either. I'm grateful they didn't suggest a D&C, I would've liked for it to continue naturally. I'm glad this office has been so accommodating, I haven't had an interaction with anyone I haven't liked (a rare find) and they are so close by.

Not too much in the schedule for today, have to make some phone calls (hurray adulthood!) and give Dylan a haircut. Which I had better get to, since I haven't had a chance the last 2 days. :)

ps-Thanks D. for your comments and the clothes! Meg and I love and appreciate them and I haven't had a chance to say 'Thank you' yet. :)

pure...

2012-08-13T10:41:00.000-04:00

...brilliance!

It's been a long time...

2012-08-09T13:49:00.000-04:00

...comin'. My poor readers. Sorry to keep you out of the loop for so long, I can't believe it's been 4 months since I wrote last! So many changes and I was quite depressed for awhile there and really did not have the heart to write. Nor the time.

When I left you all, we were living in an apartment in a suburb of the big city. We had just learned/realized our lease would not be renewed and were in a bit of a pickle because we had no income at that time.

Enter stage left: my amazing in-laws! I am truly blessed to be a part of this family, I am grateful everyday that they were able to make room for 3 more people in their home. At the time, it was Drew's parents and his siblings: Val (and her boyfriend Matt), Liz, Luke, Carrie, Jake, Eileen, Olivia, Danielle and Sean living in their house. Then Liz announced she would be moving in with her boyfriend at the end of April, just in time for us to move in before our lease expired April 30th.

It's amazing how God always has a plan and provides right when we need it.

So, we have been living in an upstairs bedroom. And it's amazing how much stuff we can fit in a regular bedroom along with 3 people. You wouldn't think Meghan would take up a lot of room, but she does!

Speaking of, Meghan just turned two! We had so much fun at her birthday party, it was rainbow themed! Meg had lots of good times with friends and family and got lots of lovely presents, which she loves so much. "Me, presents, momma?" is what she likes to ask frequently!

Meghan in her birthday outfit

Things have been going pretty well, we have food and shelter ;) Drew and I are both looking for jobs at this point, in the hope that one of us will get lucky and get something. We really need income of some kind, bills do tend to pile up when you don't pay them! I really am hoping Drew finds something first. I truly feel like my calling is to be a homemaker, wife and momma. But desperate times call for desperate measures, and I would be grateful for serious income.

Besides bills being due, we've been driving my dad's 2002 Buick Park Ave. It's a monster of a boat but it gets maybe 20 miles to the gallon. If we're lucky. We really need something reliable and gas-friendly.

Now for the sad part.

We have been ttc for a long time now, seriously working at it since AF returned a year ago. (a year, already?!) This past February, AF never showed up. I was elated! I thought finally we had conceived a sibling for Meghan. So, I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. I took another 2 weeks later as AF still hadn't reared her ugly head. Again, negative. I was dejected, but I know that sometimes nursing affects your cycle, so I was resolved to continue trying and perhaps AF would come back in March.

All throughout March, I had horrible headaches, was very tired and had nausea nearly everyday. I knew the nausea was weird, I was avoiding foods that normally I love. Nursing was becoming increasingly painful as well, I thought Meghan was biting me every time! I decided to take another test the morning of March 29th (mil's birthday) because I was nauseous again and thought that if it was still negative, perhaps I was experiencing a false/hysterical pregnancy.

It was positive!

We were so overjoyed! Finally, an answer to my prayers. And relief as well, that I wasn't making everything up in my head. :)

AF never did return and April was pretty busy, I was packing up everything we own and finding a storage unit to store most of our stuff in. I never had a chance to find a doctor. I met with a homebirth midwife, but she was unwilling to do an HBAC with me as she had never had an HBAC momma before.

All throughout this time, I never had any dreams about the baby, which I thought was strange because I dreamt of Meghan several times before she was born and before I even knew I was pregnant. I never had the urgency to get the pregnancy confirmed either. Whereas with Meghan, I found an OBGYN right away.

I also was seriously considering not announcing the pregnancy until 12 weeks and after it had been confirmed and we had heard the heartbeat. But, we told the in laws on Kim's birthday and the rest of my family on Easter in April. I even made Meg an iron on tshirt that said, "I'm gonna be a big sister!" I announced it on Facebook to make it official "Pink or Blue, Either will do, By Thanksgiving we'll have Baby #2!"

On May 8th, I woke up bleeding. I was terrified.

I was still spotting later that day when I took Meghan to the doctor's for a checkup. Drew was on the road 3+ hours away with this awful log home restoration job. I was taking care of Meghan, we had just moved into my in laws house, so everything was in boxes and jumbled around in our room and I was watching Dylan during the day. I continued to spot and pass some small clots.

On May 15th, I passed a large clot, what I believe to be our baby.

I had called the local family planning office so they could confirm the pregnancy and help me find an OBGYN that accepted Medicaid. I chose the OBGYN that Kait had delivered Freddy with because they were so convenient. But, they weren't able to fit me in for an appointment until May 30th. I was floored that I'd have to wait 3 weeks to see anyone, even after I explained to the receptionist that I thought I was miscarrying.

On May 30th, our baby was confirmed as a miscarriage.

I didn't have too high of hopes going into that appointment. I knew in my heart that this baby wasn't meant to be, and I think I knew it subconsciously all along. The midwife felt my fundal height and tried to find a heartbeat with the handheld doppler machine, which should've been easy as I should've been about 16 weeks.

No heartbeat but my own.

The silence was deafening.

I tried to hold back tears as she explained we would do an ultrasound right away because perhaps the baby was in a weird position.

Ultrasound tech saw no sign of a baby. I cried.

It's been really hard trying to work through this. Miscarriage is one of those things where you think it will never happen to you. The doctor told me 1 in 3 women miscarry and before I hardly knew anyone who had miscarried. After I announced our loss on Facebook, "But all that has been is a whisper of a promise. We were expecting a baby, but Heaven got an angel instead. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are greatly appreciated. Earth Mama Angel Baby and stillbirthday.com are amazing resources. ♥"; support and prayers and women like me were coming through the woodwork. Even friends of mine that are my age have had loss. It's amazing how something like miscarriage isn't talked about.

So.

That's where it's at. I hope to update more frequently, don't be a stranger! :)

blah...

2012-04-06T00:42:00.001-04:00

blah. blah. I haven't felt much like blogging lately. I've been so exhausted and sleeping crazy hours. For example, right now! :) I'm still awake. I've always been a night owl. Of course, that's not really beneficial, when you have 1 (or more) toddlers running around. It's a good thing Drew's here during the day, he's been helping out so much!

Last night I was up until 2am. And was a total zombie all day today. I didn't even take a nap. :( Maybe tomorrow. We have some big announcements coming up, so I'll keep you all in suspense until at least after Easter...see you then!

what...

2012-03-29T01:24:00.001-04:00

...day is it? I've been asking myself that all day today. Today I ran around. A lot. Only in the car and not actually running. I didn't do my walk today either. I figure I've walked 8 miles in the last 2 days, I can take a break! I also was/am sore. I rolled my left ankle twice on Monday and once again on Tuesday, so it's pretty stiff. Plus, walking on pavement is brutal. I've taken to walking some stretches through the edges of yards, I hope my neighbors don't mind!

Kait brought out my dad's car last night so we could use it today. Drew had an appointment for his unemployment to stay in effect. I had to return some things to Walmart and go to Aldi's (grocery store). I also had to go to the mall to have my engagement ring looked at. We have the lifetime warranty on it, so it's got to be inspected and signed off on and cleaned and all these shenanigans every 6 months. Of course, it never dawns on me until the last 3 days of the month or so. Hah.

Dylan and I had quite the adventure today. He went with me, as I didn't want to go alone and Meghan was napping, so I figured I'd give Drew a couple hours "off" and off we went! We went to Aldi's and Walmart first because they are in my town and then headed to the mall. Dylan kept asking when we were going to go there. He didn't like all the other stops first! When we got to the mall, he kept asking to go on the carnival.

...

At first, I had no idea what he was talking about. And then I realized he meant carousel!

He's in the middle of telling me, "No more pictures, Allie!" He's such a nut. Sometimes he loves to take pictures, and wants to look at them right after you take one. Other times not. This was one of those times.

We got home and I realized I was out of one of the key ingredients for something I needed to bake today. Meghan and I went off on a quick trip to Aldi's to get said ingredient and also Drew requested chips and candy. Hah.

I started making dinner when we got back, pizza with No Rise Pizza Dough; pepperoni and green peppers on 1 half, leftover curry chicken and green peppers on the other, yum! I wanted to get it into the oven asap, because I had a lot of baking to do. I owed Drew a batch of cookies from a few days ago (said I was going to make them and never did, mostly because they are an evil temptation! :) ) I also had to do some other baking...for some thing tomorrow ;) No details because MIL reads this and it's for her!

I'll try and remember to both take pictures and post them tomorrow. As I'm whipping the pizza together, I realize I'm still out of vanilla from last week and I only had 1 egg for Drew's cookies. I really didn't want to go out for the third time this afternoon, so I nagged Drew to do it. He went after dinner and I finally had everything I needed! Now, some lovely smells were going on in here!

I still have leftover pumpkin too...muffins, anyone?

monday...

2012-03-26T22:52:00.000-04:00

...Monday. Definitely made up for yesterday's dreariness. It snowed here this morning, not much, but it was sticking and I was getting concerned! It was very windy and generally freezing out today. Inside too, Drew left the sliding glass door cracked and the kitchen window almost all the way open. I didn't even think about checking them before I went to bed because it's been so warm lately, we've been leaving the window open overnight.

I got in my hour of cardio! Hah. Drew wasn't even phased when I said I'd be back in an hour! Bah, that failed! So, I walked about 3 miles in an hour and 10 minutes. Whoops, just actually calculated it with Google maps, it was really a little over 4 miles! Hah. My legs burned so bad when I got back, but it felt really good. To be doing something. I intend to go everyday, much easier when your other half is home to watch the kids! Not so sure it's going to feel good tomorrow though!

Craft fair is still on Saturday. Still not organized. :) I might actually go through my box o' goodies and see what I'm bringing. Tag everything and get it ready. I haven't even thought about prices yet. I'll keep them low for this fair, as supposedly it won't be that big. I wonder how/if it is even being advertised.

Our big plans with sharing the car with Kait this week were that she would drop it off to me on Wednesday and then I would keep it through Sunday. We're going to our hometown on Thursday and then the craft fair is on Saturday, but Kait won't be able to drive me home until Sunday. But then I got a random text from her saying I should call my dad to discuss keeping the car all week.

So I did. :( The mechanic friend called him back finally and said to have my dad call him back Wednesday night about fixing my dad's car. That means I will probably have to return the car well before Saturday and possibly Wednesday. But then we're out of a ride on Thursday and Saturday. Doesn't help that I have to be out there around 730 (?) Saturday morning. We might be able to ride with Michelle, if she's going that way those days.

We'll figure something out. I know my dad doesn't like us not having a car. The other day, his friend said he took in a Saturn as a trade. We thought it was a local car and thus had been subjected to northern winters and salted roads. Turns out, it's a southern car and has less than 100,000 miles on it. My dad thinks we should take a look at it.

Surviving is such hard work.

what a dreary...

2012-03-25T23:03:00.001-04:00

...Sunday. Blah. Ick. Not too wet to go outside, but not dry enough for the playground, so we stayed home today. Meghan loves to go on the slides and 2 out of the 3 slides hold water at the bottom; the 3rd is always damp when the others are wet. Meghan loves walking up and down the stairs and I washed diapers today-now that was exciting. For her. Hah.

The past couple of days I've been feeling really fatigued and tired and napping at odd hours of the day. Like right after dinner, but before Meghan goes to sleep. It is so weird. I think my excuse for exercise and poor diet this week are to blame. We've eaten a lot of convenience foods, last night we had Hamburger Helper. I was super grossed out afterwards. I just felt like I ate a brick of goo. Usually I don't have a problem eating it. Tonight I made lemon pepper chicken, brown rice, corn and King's Sweet Hawaiian rolls. A much better menu. If you have King's anything at your store, buy it. Seriously, go right now and buy some, it is so evil and divine!

Kait took me grocery shopping yesterday (because we still have no car, the mechanic friend never called my dad back!) Aldi had their rolls this week. I bought 2 packages, naturally. :) I heated them up in the oven and they were even better than room temp! My dad got me a Food Saver system for Christmas, so I buy our meat in bulk, then vacuum seal and freeze it. Well, Food Saver makes steamer bags for the microwave and you can do chicken in it! Best. Idea. Ever.

I portioned out our chicken, then added some spices to some bags and some I left plain. I did some curry, lemon pepper and cajun rub and all 3 varieties have been delicious! Now, you might be thinking that the microwave makes it rubbery, but not with the steamer bags! The chicken stays super moist and you can microwave it when it's frozen, fresh or defrosted.

That sounded like a paid post, but it's not, I just love their products!

On a darker note, today one of my sister's friends from high school posted a picture or herself on Facebook saying she was down 80 lbs. That's amazing and I'm so happy for her, but at the same time I am mad at myself. I lack the motivation I need to lose weight. I wanted to lose a bunch of weight before my 5 year college reunion, it's lurking in the shadows at 2 months away.

I fight a constant addiction to food, which might make some people laugh, but until you're addicted to something or someone, you have no idea the hold it has over you. I can't go into the kitchen for anything without thinking about having a snack. I don't know why I'm so snacky, I got into some bad eating habits in college and at my customer service job.

As far as I know, all our friend did was start running. How is it that some people just start running and the weight falls off? Drew's constant harp is that I should be doing an hour of cardio a day. I'll see what his reaction is tomorrow when I leave him here with Meghan and Dylan for an hour! I've been exercising according to this new plan this week. I did 55 jumping jacks last night! Which I was proud of until I went to do the 2nd half of the workout-10 sit ups. Real ones. I was only able to do 2 1/2. Blah.

I don't feel like I've lost any weight, we'll see what happens tomorrow when I do my weekly weigh in. I really should've written last week's weight down... :)

2 things...

2012-03-25T00:18:00.000-04:00

...occurred to me today.

1) That I may have come off as super harsh in my Friendly Debates regarding bikinis and daughters and modesty. And I'm sorry if I offended anyone! Whatever you do with your family is your business and I didn't mean it to sound holier-than-thou and that my opinion was the right opinion. Because opinions are just that, personal views, and if your daughters wear bikinis, I don't care! I still love you! Let's be friends. :)

2) Even though some posts show 0 views, you may actually be scrolling down from my home page and reading all the posts, so ignore my suspicious rambling.

Ah, now that that's settled.

I didn't work out today. Blah. I really should have. I've resolved to weigh myself once a week and I'm no longer doing the Wii Fit. Weighing in every day was weighing heavily on my heart and it's hard to stay motivated when I'm yo-yoing everyday. This week I started a program that gradually brings up your fitness level and it was going great until yesterday, which was supposed to be a rest day! I did 10 lunges (each leg, so 20 total) as the plan states and now I'm paying for it. My thighs and booty are sore! :) But not too sore to not exercise, so I have no excuse!

In fact, no time like the present! Off to quick exercise before bed!

Whoohoooooo...

2012-03-24T00:25:00.002-04:00

...I made it to 100 posts! Quite the accomplishment, considering I've had this blog almost 2 years! And to think I've come such a far way...

At any rate, this is the 3rd post today and I want to make sure everyone is getting/reading what I've got. I noticed this post from March 16th had 0 views and it's an update about our ttc journey, which is a hot topic! ;)

Enjoy!

(ps: I also updated the recipe and family tabs up top^^)

Friendly Debates with the Danielles...

2012-03-24T00:02:00.000-04:00

...this is what I mentioned in my last post about modest swim wear.

Every week, the Danielles of Happenings of the Harper Household and We Don't Have it All blogs host meme with a hot topic.

This week's topic is:
Bikinis for Toddlers/Tweens/Teens: Yay or Nay? What do YOU say?

I am definitely not torn on this issue, and I don't think it's because I've never worn a bikini or that I'm more "modest-minded" than I used to be. I don't think bikinis are appropriate swim wear. Of course, once you are an adult, do as you please, but I do not agree with people who buy or allow their children to wear skimpy swim wear.

I am not against a 2 piece suit. I wore 2 pieces in high school, they were tankinis and they were full coverage! In fact, more supportive than the suit I have now!

Toddlers in bikinis makes me think of that disgusting Toddlers and Tiaras show on tv. (sorry if you like it, but I can't stand it!) Those poor children are primped, fluffed and painted to look like adults! Not. Cool. I don't understand why you would want your sweet daughter to look like she's 20!

Personally, Meghan has received 3 bikinis already in her short life. (2 were the same suit, different sizes) She did in fact wear one to the beach last summer. But, it wasn't as skimpy as it could've been and she had a cloth swim diaper on the bottom, not the little bikini bottom that the suit came with. We were at a public beach and thinking back I am now a bit concerned about what sort of unsavory types might have been there. There's nothing I can do about that now.

The 3rd suit Meghan got is basically the same shape as the others, but I feel that the pattern is not appropriate for anyone. It has watermelon slices on the bodice. (see where this is going?) Unfortunately, the buyer can be a bit naive sometimes and so I don't think they even thought of it that way, but I immediately thought the worst things. :( I really don't like the suit because of this and if we do use it, it will be at the in-laws or my dad's (he has a little splash area with a slide, etc) where I know who is there and not at a crowded beach with all the world to see!

Meghan is not even 2 yet, but I have high hopes for her future. I hope she decides to lead a Godly, modest life as I have chosen. I hope she makes good decisions and I hope she never begs for a bikini, because it ain't happenin'! :)

So, bikinis for your toddler/tween/teen? What do you say?

ahhhh...

2012-03-23T23:01:00.000-04:00

...swimsuit weather. Dread. Utter and complete dread for me. :( Eh, I've been meaning to write this post for awhile as the good weather has been approaching and the topic of a weekly debate on a couple blogs I read deals with bathing suits and daughters, so they kind of go hand in hand. Me first ;)

I am, if you don't already know, quite a large woman. And I breastfeed. I've accepted this, these facts of life, as it were. I am basically large all over, large belly, large bust. And I have to admit that I was super uncomfortable last summer in my bathing suit. Notsomuch when I nursed in it, as I just threw a swim towel over us in a chair. It didn't get a lot of use, thankfully not too much in public as my wonderful in-laws have a pool! :)

Still, I couldn't help but be constantly hiking it up or feeling like I was exposed the whole time. I really feel like this goes hand in hand with my wearing skirts full time, trying (achieving, I hope!) to be more feminine and modest.

My current, for the past few years, bathing suit is a standard plus size skirted bathing suit, similar to this style:

(photo credit)

Except my suit is dark brown with tiny turquoise polka dots and waaaay skinnier straps. I don't know why someone would design a plus size bathing suit-knowing that those straps are going to have a load to bear-with the tiniest straps. At any rate, those darn straps cause the most frustration.

I really feel like I need to be more covered up. I've been debating investing in a more modest swimsuit, such as:

(photo credit)

Granted, there are a few things about this suit I would want to change, but that's only because I know how I would look as a plus size momma, compared to this lovely young lady.

I am a bit hesitant though,. The price for one, $75 for a plus size suit, not including shipping or if I wanted to make the skirt or leggings longer. $75 is not a bad price, especially for a plus size suit, but it is definitely not in any foreseeable budget. Also, I would be the only person I know with such a modest suit. Not that I haven't ever been the odd one out! ;)

Hmm. She also makes toddler suits...I'll probably just end up wearing my crazy bathing suit if I have to. Meghan loves the water, so I know she'll be spending a lot of time in the pool! (which I will be too!)

I don't know...

2012-03-23T02:08:00.000-04:00

...why I bother trying to schedule posts to post later, like after the day I write them. I just don't know what I'm doing, but it's nice to get more than one post written at a time and then, in theory, not have to worry about it later! So, I might be testing the whole schedule thing out again tonight.

(I had written the recipe post on Wednesday at the same time as the crafty post. I thought I had scheduled it to post itself Wednesday night, but then it didn't. Sooo, there ya go.)

I've had just about enough of the oppressive heat/humidity. Thanks. Agh. We live on the top floor and it gets so nasty in here. We end up going to the playground in the afternoon just to escape this apartment! Today wasn't so bad, according to Drew, but I thought it was just as bad as the rest of the week.

I haven't done anything crafty today or last night. As I was nursing Meghan to sleep last night, I developed a nasty migraine and went to bed early. I haven't gotten a migraine in a long time, so I was quite surprised. Usually, I can just go to sleep and then it's gone by the morning. Luckily, that worked last night! Today, I had to go through my email, because I hadn't done so in a long time. Blah, sometimes I hate email. Unless it's a notification that I won something through a giveaway! :)

Syracuse played in the Sweet 16 game tonight against Wisconsin and they won! They are on their way to the Elite 8, it is very exciting. Except for the part where I fell asleep during the game tonight! I was so exhausted after I put Meg down to sleep. I only intended to rest on the couch while Drew watched the game. And then I woke up after it was over! :) Oh, well, at least they won!

Time to sleep!