Marriage Life

Male Chastity - How to Get Your Wife to Lock You

2012-09-10T16:19:00.000-07:00

Male Chastity and orgasm denial are a very common fantasy for men, but there is a problem: you can't really do them on your own.
Well, you can, but that's not what gets men going. Because, the thrill of it is in the man feeling like he has no choice in the matter and it's his wife or girlfriend doing it "to" him rather than "with" him.

This need to feel out of control is central to the hundreds of silly stories out there on blogs and forums from men claiming everything from the mysterious existence of the "inescapable chastity belt" (utterly false) to wives and girlfriends using "blackmail" in the form of photographs and divorce (too silly for words).

So the simple answer is to get your wife to hold your key and not to let you orgasm, right?

Right. But the problem with that is it might be simple, but it's not always easy. Talking about frankly sex can be difficult at the best of times for couples, and to confess to something quite out of the ordinary like male chastity and orgasm denial is even harder.

And as a result, many men go decades (literally) with this burning desire they have and never, ever get around to asking for what they want. Which is a terrible shame, because if you present it in the right way, male chastity can be very appealing for a woman.

So here are three tips to help you ask for what you want, without all the embarrassment and angst:

Don't make it all about the great sex.
From your point of view, you probably think promising her hot, no-holds-barred sex is going to be a sure winner. And while you can be assured your wife is going to enjoy this aspect of male chastity, it's NOT a big selling point for her at the outset. Instead, focus on the increased emotional intimacy and connection she will enjoy with you. That's far more enticing for most women.

Don't tell her you'll bow to her every whim. Not only does she almost certainly not want this (she wants a man not a doormat), but she simply won't believe you. You've probably made similar promises before, about how you'll be "more helpful around the house"... and you've never kept them before, so why would you keep them now? Rather, tell her your denied orgasms mean you'll naturally be more attentive, similar to how you were when you were first together. She'll be able to relate to this as a common, shared experience you've already had with her.

Show her, don't just tell her. Talk is cheap and easy. So it's usually much more effective to "walk the walk" rather than just "talking the talk". Next time you make love, focus on her and unilaterally forego your own pleasure. Don't make a big deal of it, and don't draw unnecessary attention to the fact you're then more attentive and loving (but DON'T pester her for sex!). If you then raise the subject the next time you make love after this (e.g. "Last time I didn't orgasm, and I felt a lot closer and more attentive to you"), she'll get the message. This then opens the doors for honest and open communication between you.

By following these three simple steps you're much more likely to get what you want without having to drop hints (which she simply never gets) or find yourself having to blurt out what, to her, is a very confusing and sometimes scary message.

What Are Ways to Last Longer in Bed? Best Kept Exotic Secrets

2012-09-10T16:18:00.003-07:00

f you always wonder what are ways to last longer in bed, here are some of the best kept secrets!
First, shower her with utmost pleasure

The first answer to the question of "what are ways to last longer in bed" is to shower your sex partner all your attention and pleasure during sex.

No doubt, sex is one of the most exciting and thrilled experience a man can ever have in his life! Most men focus on their own sex pleasure to the extent of neglecting their female partners!

If you constantly ejaculate prematurely, then, maybe you should not indulge yourself in the sex pleasure until your partner is ready.

Instead, you should focus all your efforts completely to help your partner achieving orgasm. When you do that, you'll put your own pleasure aside. This will slow down your own pleasure intensity and help you to last longer in bed.

Here is how you can help your partner to achieve an early orgasm.

Perform oral sex on her. It can be safely said that 9 out of 10 girls like oral sex. Use your tongue to "tease" her private part will drive her crazy and beg for more! You may also compliment her body and tell her how sexy she is to excite her further. Dirty language will help too!

If you can help your female partner to achieve orgasm, you'll no longer ask "what are ways to last longer in bed" as you would not need to anymore!

Second, apply longer lasting sex positions

What are ways to last longer in bed if you do not want to compromise your own sex pleasure by focusing more on your sex partner?

Here is the answer - adopt sex positions which will help you to last longer in bed!

The best position is by having her mounted on top of you while having sex.

This is also known as "cowgirl" or "female rider."

This position allows her to take control of the thrusting speed while allowing your body to relax and enjoy the sex process.

With this position, the tension is taken away from your body. Your muscle is relaxed, your mind is stress-free and needless to say, you will be able to hold your erection longer and need not ask "what are ways to last longer in bed" anymore!

Another sex position that can prevent premature ejaculation is a total opposite position of the "cowgirl" position above.

In this second position, you still have your female partner mounted on you. The only difference is, instead of facing you directly, she is supposed to face away from you and have her back facing you instead. This works equally well like the first position and act as a good variation to spice up your sex process. You will not lose the fun and excitement of sex with this position.

Third, masturbate

Now, what are ways to last longer in bed that you can do before sex by yourself without involving your partner? The answer is - masturbate and ejaculate before the actual sex!

It goes without saying that if your testosterone level is shooting up, letting yourself to ejaculate once before the actual sex will definitely add minutes to your erection and ejaculation during the actual sex thereafter.

In this case, what you do is to masturbate before sex. Allow yourself to ejaculate and have the first round of instant pleasure before going for a long lasting sex after that.

By now, you should have some ideas on what are ways to last longer in bed. Practice the right sex habits and you shall bid goodbye to premature ejaculation in no time!

The 5 Sex Secrets Women Wish Men Knew

2012-09-10T16:16:00.002-07:00

The beauty of a woman is also concealed in her mysterious nature. This particular feature is what drives the natural phenomenon of manhood to explore the depth of womanhood. The best explanation of such
phenomenon can be given in the course of sexual intercourse that brings them closer to reveal the secrets of womanhood. This also is the perfect way to prove the fact of men's dominant possession over women. However, there are many instances when a man gets completely bewildered becoming over conscious to lead the role during the sexual intercourse. This leaves him completely embarrassed and in extreme cases it may also lead to create a gap between the relationships. Therefore to overcome this fear, the best mantra is to never assume that a woman will pour her secrets in your ear about her ecstasy, in fact the truth is that in many cases even women themselves can't understand their body. So, be a man and be practical to explore the tips to reach your partner to sexual climax and for this you need to understand the fact that your woman will always want you to find her secrets yourself and that is indeed the symbol of manhood. The basic 5 concepts that nearly cover the entire solution to the riddle are as follows:

1. Raise the curiosity.

Have you ever attended a theatre and seen the curtains, well that is to raise the sensuality of preparedness in your mind to create the space in advance for the expected sensual effect. The same goes well before you start the explicit intercourse. Start with caressing and murmuring in her ears, and seduce her to the point when she will precisely be ready to be candidly play her role of acceptance to feel the depth of your touch exploring her body. This will raise the curiosity in her for your role to ultimately exhibit your playfulness.

2. Reveal your emotional relevance in the foreplay.

A woman always will have an emotional relevance with you before she engages herself in sex. It can be love or just to satiate her sexual desire, but ultimately she will always want you to understand her body in a way an artist praises a masterpiece. Never ever let any negative comment take the place, instead you can throw compliments in a way like you're extremely drowned to love her beauty. Praise the size of her breast, the softness of her skin and the wetness of her lips and say it more seductively that'll tickle her sexual desire to its extremities.

3. Experiment with her body

Unlike men, women's sexual spots are all over the body, it may sound strange that just by licking behind her ears with your tongue can actually reach some women to achieve orgasm. Similarly, different women have different sexual spots and they would never let it reveal themselves. Therefore, you should experiment and measure her reactions with different parts of her body. This will not only make them feel their intimacy in the intercourse, but also will create your image as a perfect partner in their mind.

4. Be confident and relaxed

Do not show your haphazard movements while you're trying to seduce her, and concentrate firmly on the part of the body you are involved with in the foreplay. Women need some time to feel their senses in their particular part of the body and this in fact makes them seductive, if you haphazardly change your involvement with different body parts they may not really be able to concentrate on it. Therefore, be relaxed and slow and give her the time to involve herself with your seductive movements.

5. Prove your manhood.

This doesn't mean that you should show your aggressiveness, but instead it means that every women devotes their body to a man who can ride and take the control of their sexual desire. Therefore, once she reaches the heights of orgasm and gives her whole body under your control, it's your turn to reach the orgasm with your manly aggressiveness.

Sex Addiction: Helping a Loved One Recover From Sex Addiction

2012-09-10T16:15:00.000-07:00

If your loved one is struggling with sex addiction, you know how painful and devastating it can be for him or her, as well as the rest of your family members. Sex addiction,
like other addictions has a ripple effect across the entire family. Along with all of the hurt and confusion, you may also feel a strong desire or need to help your loved one with his or her recovery. In fact, the help and support of family members can play a critical role in recovery. However, you may not know what you can do or how you can help. Helping a sex addict can be difficult, and the closer you are to the addict the harder it can be to give the individual the help needed.

Help Yourself First

It may seem selfish, but making sure that you are healthy is the first thing that you can do to help your loved one with a sex addiction. You will be no good to anyone in your family if you are suffering and unhealthy yourself. There are many options for family members to get help including counselors, therapists and support groups. Think of it this way, you need a solid foundation to build a house upon. In order to rebuild your family, all of your members need to be healthy and well-grounded. This way, everyone can support their addicted loved one during the most trying moments of his or her addiction and recovery.

Confront Your Loved One

This may be painful for you, but confronting your loved one is one important way you can help him or her take those first steps toward recovery. If you don't know what to do or say, you can discuss it with your counselor, therapist or support group. You don't want to seem judgmental, but at the same time, you don't want to ignore or enable the addiction. Some sex addicts are unaware of their addiction, while others are in denial. While you can't force your loved one to admit his or her addiction, you can make it known that you see that he or she has a problem and needs to get help.

Research Sex Addiction

Learn as much as you can about sex addiction. Most people don't understand it at all. Understanding will allow you to relate to your loved one and help him or her more effectively. After you understand the ins and outs of sex addiction, you should research the different recovery options that are available in your area. Seeking recovery can be intimidating for addicts. If you are able to provide your loved one with a wide range of options to look at as he or she begins to look at recovery, then getting help will be that much easier.

Listen and Be Positive

Sex addicts are so isolated and emotionally damaged that sometimes just having someone to talk to is important. As a family member, your loved one will need to know that you are willing to talk openly about the addiction. Providing support is more important than knowing what to say or how to help. At the end of the day, the most important thing you can do is love your family member and support him or her throughout the recovery process.

Relationship Advice - Who Helped You Arrive At Your Relationship Ideas?

2012-09-10T16:10:00.002-07:00

There is certainly no doubt our perception of how a relationship should be, is heavily influenced by how we see other people's relationships work. How our parents acted, or act towards each other, our own past intimate relationships, and the media can also affect our view. But there are several other sources that affect our perception too...
Other couples.

We see so many couples amongst our family and friends, and out in public. They are so attentive to each other, finishing each other's sentences, sampling the other person's food, fawning all over one another, and "dripping sweet" so much you can almost see the love oozing out of their pores. Some of us are encouraged by these couples: others are nauseated. But they exist, and they help to influence us in how we think a relationship should be.

But not everyone gets along with their partner in the same way as these couples appear to. Personalities often conflict with one another. One personality can be somewhat abrasive at times. People experience different degrees of patience. Their sense of humor may vary, or not exist at all. Plus, their backgrounds will not be exactly the same. Finances can differ. There may not have ever been any negative stigma attached to the relationships they were exposed to. For their particular situation, things could have always been rosy for them and every other couple they have ever encountered.

It's not realistic to base your relationship on someone else's. You don't know all of the factors the other couple has in their life. For all you know, they could fight like "cats and dogs" when no one else is around. When couples are in public, they usually put on their best persona. Catch them in private and the relationship could be radically different. You can focus on their good qualities, but that isn't necessarily their only qualities.

Your friends. This is a tough one because people usually like to give other people advice; the benefit of their experiences. But when you accept advice from a friend, you really have to consider the source. Are they in a stable, healthy relationship (notice that we didn't just ask if they were in a relationship). Do they change relationships almost as frequently as they change clothes?

You need to be careful who you take relationship advice from. You would never take relationship advice from someone who isn't in a healthy, long-lasting and happy relationship... just like you wouldn't take money advice from someone who is broke. Instead, look for the happily married couples and ask them for their guidance and advice.

Learn about yourself... what makes you the way you are? Are destructive emotions at the heart of any problems you are experiencing with your relationship. If so, maybe you need to get control of what you are really telling yourself. What are your beliefs about how relationships work?

The Ingredients of a Successful Marriage

2012-08-27T14:40:00.000-07:00

Marriage is one of the best unions that can ever exist between a man and a woman. Yet, marriage should be based on solid ground to grow and stand the test of time. Why do some marriages last a lifetime in harmony and understanding while others don't? How to make sure that your partner is the right person with whom you will live happily ever after?
Probably everything starts prior to the engagement period. Marriage requires some maturity and a certain level of consciousness, and therefore decisions shouldn't be taken slightly. Quite often engagement period is based on romance and fondness which is great as long as the mind is given its share too. So besides romance, the engagement period should involve some discussions and understanding on the basics too.

One of the most important cornerstones of a successful marriage is harmony. Harmony is being on the same wavelength and is translated after many years of marriage by knowing what your partner is thinking or feeling at a glance.

On the other hand, there's no successful marriage on earth that doesn't require compromises at some time or another. Most often, love can be measured by how much the partner is ready to compromise. The deeper the love is, the more compromises are being made and the opposite is true too.

Routine might be the worst thing that can be installed in a relationship. It starts in the mind prior to anything else. Life involves growing, acquiring more consciousness. Married people are not the same persons they were couples of years ago when they first got married. We are forged by our experiences in life, by circumstances, by people we meet and by our way of thinking and analyzing life's matters.

The rule of thumb to be able to love others is to love ourselves first. No one can give something he or she doesn't possess. Generally, people often tend to evaluate a married life by how their parents' relation was.

Also, the love they received from their parents and particularly from the opposite sex is a major determinant as to how they will be able to give love to their future partner. For instance, a man who received lots of love from his parents and particularly from his mother will be a caring and loving partner much more than the man who lacked love as a child from his mother. The same applies for women of course.

Finally, I like this nice and true quote from Mignon Mclaughlin: "A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person."

Trust in Marriage

2012-08-21T17:16:00.000-07:00

A couple should trust each other in many ways. When they meet new people they are expected to be trusted not to wonder from a marriage. Not to have an affair or become involved with anyone else. Trust in marriage is also needed when keeping finances under control.
A couple should trust one another to respect each other for example when couples have a joint bank account it is on trust that you both use the account responsibly and trust that it will not be abused by either of you.

A 'trust marriage' means to be reliable, honest, confident, consistent and dependent upon one another. Once you have earned someone's trust life becomes much easier. There is no worry of jealousy between couples. Wherever you go you know you are being trusted to do the right thing and you have a wealth of respect for each other. There is nothing worse than when couples do not trust each other in marriage. A 'trust marriage' should be loyal, amicable and have no confrontations.

Life is too short to become burdened with problems. If a couple pull together at all times then this is what makes a strong 'trust marriage'. You should want to help each other as much as you can and be there for each other as often as you can. When two people love each other and trust each other then life is more relaxed between the two of you and there us not tension in the atmosphere. When two people pull together they can achieve a life time of trust in their marriage. There are no boundaries set, no limits to keep within, no secrets withheld and no misunderstandings between each other. In fact, a 'trust marriage' should run in complete harmony.

A trust marriage from when you work together point of view is of prime importance as you will both need to cross each others paths many times throughout the day for example when clients visit the office and one of you are busy elsewhere, the other person is trusted to entertain the client in not only a business manner but also on a personal level. This can be advantageous to both the client and yourselves as one of you can take care of the mundane items whilst leaving valuable quality time for the rest of the meeting when your partner returns. On a more personal note, you can make your client feel more relaxed and less anxious as you can prepare drinks and informally chat about subjects such as hubbies and past times together. You can build a great rapport between the client and yourself which comes in very useful for future communications. Again, a bond of trust is needed to establish a true 'trust marriage' even from a business relationship.

If you trust someone not to stray from marriage then you must also trust them not to have an affair or sleep with anyone else. Marriage is a serious business and can only thrive if there is trust between the two of you. Your partner also relies on you for your stability, continuity, dependability and you are being relied on to fulfil a trust marriage. When you satisfy each others needs then there is no reason to desire anyone else in a trust marriage. Trust does not mean being possessive. Trust is a request that you make to each other to abide by. To be trusted in marriage and to continue to remain trusted and faithful to for as long as you are married. If more people were trusting then the world would be a happier one.

Marriage Tips: Fifteen Ways to Say "I Love You" in 3 Minutes or Less

2012-08-21T17:15:00.000-07:00

To keep romance alive and nurture the intimacy in your marriage, you'll want to know a number of ways to express your feelings to your spouse.
There are certainly times when you'll want to put a significant amount of time and energy into a project that shows your love for your spouse in a major way, such as planning a surprise birthday dinner party that includes family and friends or a new deck that you spend several weekends building.

But it's also important for you to know a number of smaller gestures you can make to convey loving feelings on a frequent basis. Little expressions of love and appreciation add up over time and can help ensure that your relationship will keep its special sparkle and glow.

Here are fifteen ways to say "I love you" that you can easily implement even during a busy work week:

1. Blow your spouse a kiss as you walk through the room. Smile, and let your eyes twinkle mischievously. You might remain silent, or you could say something such as, "Catch!" or "This is for you!"

2. Surprise your spouse by kissing the back of his (or her) neck as he sits in a low-backed chair that gives you easy access to his neck, such as a dining room chair or a computer chair. (For an extra reaction, you might lick his neck one or two strokes with your tongue after you kiss it)

3. Give her (or him) a brief neck and shoulder massage.

4. Leave a sweet message on his (or her) voice mail.

5. Send a short but sweet email. (Don't send your spouse a sexually explicit email at work. Save those for his or her personal email account.)

6. Write a one sentence note that describes a specific trait or quality that you love about your spouse, such as "I love your beautiful blue eyes that remind me of the sea." Or you could write, "I love your fabulous shoulder muscles that make you look so strong and sexy." Put this note in your spouse's purse, lunch, or brief case, or on his (or her) bed pillow.

7. Give your spouse a lingering, wet kiss, accompanied by a full body hug. (Many relationship gurus advocate that couples do this at least once every day.)

8. Hug your spouse and scratch her back at the same time. If you're lucky, your spouse will also scratch your back while you're scratching hers.

9. Give your spouse a compliment. Be specific, such as "You look great in that new pullover--I love how that color looks on you!"

10. Tell your spouse once specific thing you appreciate that he (or she) does. For example, you might say, "I really appreciate how hard you work to bring in extra income," or "You're a great dad--always so patient with the kids!"

11. When you're at the grocery store, pick up something special for your spouse--a favorite candy bar, a choice piece of fruit, a small plant, one long-stemmed rose, a special cheese, a festive balloon, etc. When you get home, say "I bought something special just for you because you're so special." Or wait until later and leave the item with an 'I love you" note for her (or him) to find.

12. Look for some little act or chore you can do for your spouse to make his (or her) life easier. For example, without asking, Lee will often empty the wastebasket in my office for me when he sees that it's full. Or I might offer to make a phone call for him to save him time on a busy day. These types of gestures say "I love you and want to show you that I care."

13. The next time that you have to buy a birthday card for someone, also buy five or six cards that your spouse would like. They might be romantic cards, thinking-of-you cards, or funny cards. Once every week or two, drop one in the mail to your spouse to arrive at the office or home, or leave a card in the car on the driver's seat or some other place for him (or her) to find.

14. When you get "take-home" food containers in a restaurant, later secretly take your spouse's container out of the refrigerator and decorate it. You might draw two hearts linked together with your names on the hearts and write "I love you" on her (or his) box.

15. Look for poems or song lyrics that you can give your spouse to communicate your loving feelings. Check out the great selection of love song lyrics at http://www.theromantic.com/lovesongs/main.htm . Just print out some of your favorites (use special paper to make it more special) and keep them back, ready to pull out and give your spouse with a note that says, "This expresses just how I feel about you."

Secrets of a Happy Marriage

2012-08-21T17:12:00.002-07:00

My husband and I have a perfect marriage.

There. I said it.

Now some of you may be inclined to roll your eyes or gag.
Some of you may think I'm exaggerating, lying or suffering from some delusion. Some of you may feel like I'm bragging or insensitively flaunting my happiness in total disregard of all of those folks who don't have a partner or unconditional love in their lives.

In the past, I would have succumbed to the pressure, and believe me, it IS pressure, to keep my big mouth shut when I would hear folks talk about marriage, or the opposite sex. Regardless of whether I was sitting in the therapist chair talking to clients, on the phone coaching someone or sitting across from a friend at lunch, whenever the topic of marriage came up it I'd hear the litany, "We fight like everyone else." "It's never perfect." and the half-statements delivered with an eye roll and knowing glance, "You know...men...", "You know...women..."

Let's face it. No marriage is perfect!

When I was younger, if I voiced my objection to these sweeping statements, "Well, actually we don't fight." "My husband isn't like that at all." I would be met with, "How long have you been married?" "Five years." Then the smirk, "Oh, you're still babies...just you wait." Or if they would concede that we did have a good marriage it was always disregarded with comments like, "Well, you're LUCKY." And, many times I would be told outright, "I don't want to hear about your happy marriage. I'm married to a jerk."

So, you hear this enough and you learn to keep your trap shut.

Then, in a group last year, in the midst of a huge discussion about the perils and pitfalls of marriage one of the group members said,

"I think good marriages are an urban myth."

I just couldn't let that go.

The FACT is, 13 years in, our marriage is getting better every year. It isn't blind luck and it certainly wasn't beginner's luck, this being a second marriage for both of us. It breaks my heart to see so many bad marriages out there. It really does. A true marriage is an amazing and beautiful bond. (I do include same sex relationships here, despite my earlier reference to the "opposite sex".) Because we have so very few models of healthy marriages out there, I'd like to share what I have come to appreciate and understand about what makes a marriage work in the hope that some nugget will help you establish, create or strengthen your own bond.

1. 'Til death do us part. WOW. Do people even promise that anymore? You can't promise this AND get a pre-nup. I'm sorry if I'm offending everyone out there, but I think entering into a marriage with an exit clause is destructive and dangerous. Nothing you could say will change my mind on this so hang on to those e-mails. The reality is TRUST is critical in a marriage. You can't trust someone AND ask for a dissolution agreement 'just in case'. If you need that, one or both of you is holding back or is seeing something that you should be paying attention to but are trying to ignore. Yes, many people have been horribly hurt and feel they need to protect themselves from future risk as a result. Exactly. You are entering in to a relationship with someone you fundamentally do not trust. If I'm in a partnership with someone that may well see me through illness and death, I want to know they are up for that. I need to know that they are capable of loving me even when it's painful.

Paul Simon says it this way in "Look at That":

Ask somebody to love you takes a lot of nerve.
Ask somebody to love you,
you've got a lot of nerve.

I couldn't agree more. Think about what you are agreeing to when you enter in to a marriage. I didn't the first time. I'm older and wiser now. I get it. So does my husband.

2. You are married to/marrying an individual. A finite individual. An evolving individual. An individual put on this earth to do certain things, learn certain things.

The reality is your partner is going to change. This is simply a fact. And it is a fact that each INDIVIDUAL has to figure out for themselves what this life is going to mean to them and how they want to walk their path. You have to get your ego out of the way and love your partner through their evolution. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stagnate because you fear change. It is NOT your partner's responsibility to stay locked in a life situation (say, a miserable job) to maintain your status quo.

Once again I have to give it up for Paul Simon, in his most excellent CD, "You're The One":

Nature gives up shapeless shapes Clouds and waves and flame But human expectation is that love remains the same And when it doesn't we point our fingers and blame blame blame

This whole evolution thing is one that I have really come to appreciate in thelast 5 years. When I changed my career I put myself on a path that acceleratedmy own personal evolution beyond anything I had ever experienced. And it scared me silly. I was one of those folks who feared growing apart from my husband. I didn't know how he would deal with my changing. In my first marriage my husband was overtly resistant to my growth and change, a predominant factor leading to our divorce. In fact, I have heard MANY stories of similar situations in other marriages...including threats of divorce when one or the other spouse showed signs of becoming too strong or too successful.

The reality for me now is that my husband is incredibly secure and confident and master of his own ship. And he expects me to be master of mine. He didn't marry a deck hand. Not only does he accept, but he nearly insists that I run my ship through all kinds of uncharted waters and assumes my journey will change me in a myriad of ways. We both know where the harbor is but neither of us wants the other to spend life docked in stagnant water.

3. Your partner is capable of experiencing an entire array of emotions, many of which will have nothing to do with you. Not every emotion is a reflection of you or is something you have to fix. This is a biggie for women especially, but I see it in men as well. Your spouse is angry about work, you have to make them happy. Your partner is sad, you feel inadequate because you were sure you were the source of eternal happiness for them. You're partner doesn't like their career, you stay in one that you hate, too, until they get settled in something they enjoy.

One of the things I appreciate the most about my husband, and myself within this marriage, is that we really do understand that we have our own paths. We have both spent many years in the medical field and we are, by nature, participants in life, so we have seen many heartbreaking things. My husband works with disabled children, I worked with adults. When you agree to be present to life, fully present, you expose yourself to great pain and grief as well as joy. Seeing many people die over the years and being with people through dark days in their lives has brought home to each of us that, in the end, it is your own story you are writing. Love each other all you want, but all you really KNOW is that you will be there when you die. And maybe that's all. So, there is a fundamental loneliness to life, existentially speaking. Everyone you know today can be gone tomorrow. Look, we've all seen that happen in recent years in this country.

So, recognizing the truth of this enables Scott and I to have conversations, as fellow humans, about what the journey looks like from our respective paths. We can admit to each other that we are lonely sometimes without feeling like we are making a derogatory comment about our marriage. We can be frightened, or sad or grieving and allow each other that without feeling we have failed by not protecting each other from that experience. Being married doesn't mean that you can protect each other from life on its most rawly human level.

4. Respect each other's process. Not everyone copes with everything the same way you do. We all are impacted by life in different ways. What your partner does is not a reflection of you or on you. Here are a couple examples: I used to work in the same hospital with my husband though we never saw each other during the day. When work was over, I'd meet him at his office and we'd walk to the car together. Sort of. While I was wanting to walk with him and hear about his day, he would be racing 10 feet ahead of me. At first I took that personally (let's give it up for Don Miguel Ruiz!), but then I got my own ego out of the way and remembered that this man is running all day long all over the hospital while I was in one small suite. You can't just slam on the brakes! So, I allowed him that space to come down from his day and usually by the time we reached the car I had caught up with him and by the time we got home we were in sync. Had I made his process about ME, I would have been cranky, needy, demanding or some other version of annoying and then he'd have to fix me after a full day of work. That would just be creepy, and totally unnecessary.

On a few RARE occasions, I have seen my supremely kind and charming husband nearly pick a fight with beloved friends. I remember the first time this happened and I was mortified...he was debating on some taboo subject (you know, politics or religion) with a really mild-mannered 75 year old friend of ours. Now, I've been on the opposite side of Debate Boy a time or two myself and I have to say, it's intense! As a spouse, I felt apologetic...and wanted to distance myself from the situation. Again, my ego got in the way and part of me was concerned about the reflection of this on me. But then, I got a grip and realized that this man had been involved in a huge string of school conferences which were extremely contentious and he had to be the peacekeeper. So, of course, he had all this pressure built up that was about to make him explode. He needed a good old fashioned argument to decompress! So, once I got it, I laughed, let him go since our friend actually was keeping pace just fine. Even if our friend WAS offended in some way, which he wasn't in the least, it would have been between the friend and Scott to work it out. It wasn't about me. Narcissism is just never good for a marriage.

And NO, I have never done anything to make my husband wince, so we'll leave it at that.

How to Keep Love Alive in Your Marriage

2012-08-21T17:10:00.002-07:00

In the beginning of a relationship, love seems to have a life of its own. Without much effort, you feel like you are on top of the world. You catch yourself smiling and laughing often, and feeling warm inside whenever you are with your loved one. Everything and everyone suddenly appears better through the rose-colored glasses of love.
This euphoric feeling does not last forever, however. After the first year of marriage, the day to day activities of being married, working in a job, raising a family, buying and maintaining a home, etc., all take their toll, and romance takes a back seat.

Love has to be worked on, just like a gardener with his garden. Although he has planted the seeds, and expects the sun and rain to do most of the work, he still has to pull the weeds out of the garden, to fertilize it, and water it if there isn't enough rain. That is the same with a healthy, loving relationship. When love becomes a high priority in a marriage, it is taken care of and nurtured daily. The resulting love rewards you by growing into a more mature, mellow, committed feeling, and when tested, rises up to meet the challenge. How does one keep love alive in a marriage?

Make Time

You need to designate quality time with your loved one. Don't take it for granted that he/she will always be there when you want them. Remember all those dates you took when you were courting? Now, it's not so easy. There's usually someone else making demands on him/her - whether it's the children with their homework, or the boss expecting you to work late hours, or even an elderly parent that requires assistance. Also, it now might require finding a baby-sitter, or juggling the time with another activity that might take precedence. Whatever happens, make time for each other. Also, make time to hug and/or kiss each other often. You'll be glad you did. The time you spend together will re-energize you and make you feel good for the rest of the day.

If you can't get away, you can still set a date at home, after the children are asleep. The important thing is to have fun together. Here are a few things you can plan to do at home together:

Physical intimacy - might put some soft music in the background, maybe even dance together.
Pour a favorite drink, make an ice cream sundae, or grab some munchies, and have fun talking with your loved one.
Play a favorite board game or card game, anything that makes you enjoy yourselves.
Make popcorn and watch a favorite video.

This is not the time to solve life's problems or issues. If there are any lurking issues in the background (and these may be keeping you from enjoying yourself), then sometimes you just might have to talk about it first, get it out in the open in a loving environment, then continue with your plans. Often, positive energy is tied up within us when a problem or issue has not been resolved.

Use these times to tell him/her how special they are to you (how intelligent, how thoughtful, how loving, how caring, etc.).

What is Romance?

Romance is the opportunity to show your loved one how special he/she is to you. It means taking the time for them, and making time, even if you don't have it. It doesn't mean thinking only about yourself, or having only your needs met. It means putting the other person first. Here are some ideas to spice up your romance:

Do small acts of kindness - give him/her flowers, or a little gift, or write a poem, etc.
Say "Thank you" and "I Love You" often.
Be considerate of his/her feelings, etc.
Take long walks together - anywhere.
Share jokes at mealtime. Laughter is a great way to share one's love.
Visit a museum, visit community festivals, tour a new site, or attend a lecture together.
Hug and kiss often.

If your spouse doesn't do things for you, then show him/her by gently pointing out what you like. If you like flowers for your birthday, and you haven't gotten flowers, then let them know, particularly when he/she asks you what you would like. Don't think they can read your mind, let them know.

Communicate, Communicate, Communicate

Over time, we learn how to read our spouse. Their behavior, their actions, are important clues that alert us to how they are feeling. Often, we think we know what they are thinking, and we become sloppy, and don't talk about it, or they don't bring it up.

For example, if he had a bad day at the office, and comes home snapping at the children and being tense, the last thing to do is to take it personally. Invite him to relax, as dinner is prepared, then after he's eaten, ask him how his day was. Sooner or later, the truth will come out, and you will learn what happened. You need to be a responsive listener, and not criticize your spouse, for he will surely clam up. The last thing he wants to hear is criticism.

Other signs that can bring on a spouse's anger/tenseness:

Hunger: If your spouse hasn't eaten for awhile, not only their stomach growls, but they growl also. Keep your husband well fed (but not overfed)

Criticism: Try and avoid criticizing your partner. If there is something bothering you, then voice it in a way that you don't point fingers or blame him/her. Try not to keep distance between you. Communicate your feelings, how his/her action affected you, and how you were hurt by that action. Never, ever criticize your spouse in public. An apology is forthcoming, no matter how right you thought you were.

Tiredness: If your husband has been working all day, and you ask him to do a bunch of chores when he gets home, don't expect him to thank you. See if you can spread the chores out, so they include the weekend. Planning ahead helps here.

Take Care of Your Body

Although you may not look like you did when you were dating years ago, you can take measures to look just as good if not better.

Physical wellbeing - make sure you stay in shape, eat the right foods, and dress nicely. All these actions not only get more compliments your way, they make you feel good about yourself, so that you can be more confident in yourself.
Spiritual wellbeing - don't neglect this powerful aspect of life. Pray, go to church, believe. Studies have shown that families that pray together, stay together.
Mental wellbeing - if you are a stay-at-home mother, find some good books to read, or read the newspaper or magazines. This will allow you to keep abreast with interesting topics, and will provide your spouse an interesting partner to discuss life issues with.

Don't Substitute

Don't substitute anyone or anything else for your loved one. Don't go to a coworker or a friend, and share intimate secrets, because you may be betraying your loved one's trust. Don't watch television or be on the computer all the time, when you could be spending quality time with your loved one. Don't spend all your time with the children, ignoring your spouse, because your husband or wife should be number one on the list.

If people, organizations, or children clamor for your attention, put your spouse first, and then them. When you put your spouse first, you'll notice you won't need to be going to all these other people for emotional support. You'll also notice you'll be having more fun with the person you'll spend the rest of your life with. Don't underestimate the importance of love in a marriage. Cherish and nurture it, and you will have made the best investment in your life.

Keeping Romance In Your Marriage

2012-08-21T17:09:00.000-07:00

Romantic relationships happen because of the hopes and dreams a couple has for a happy life together. The relationship will be pleasant and rewarding as long as you believe in what inspires those hopes and dreams. To keep a marriage romantic, nuture what makes your relationship worthwhile and wonderful.
Marriage has pleasures and rewards: companionship, the approval or praise that your partner gives you, the inspiration to be better, and physical gratification. There are pleasures and there are problems. A few basic strategies can increase the pleasures and lessen the problems.

Don't expect a perfect relationship. Give each other some wiggle room - have some tolerance for the faults and limitations that you both have. Don't stir up the bottom muck - being too concerned with problems makes you pay less attention to what is good in the relationship. Encouraging what is good about the relationship will, in general, do more good than problem solving.

If you expect too much, it is more difficult to feel good about the relationship. You will compare how the relationship is to what you think it should be and you will be disappointed. Love and happiness do not require perfection. Love happens when you believe that both of you can continue to build a rewarding relationship.

Your attitude should signal the other person that you will patiently work through each other's shortcomings. Being tolerant and non-condemning is a challenge. But consciously making an effort to be tolerant goes a long way.

Build Upon What Is Good --

Find activities that you both like and do them together. Do something such as gardening, cooking, or charity volunteering. Maybe start a project together such as landscaping or interior decorating. Try a recreation activity such as hiking. You might want to spend more time just talking. You could take more time for visiting friends and having family get-togethers. Find areas of commom interest. Pursue those interests together. Be involved in each other's lives.

Share ideas to find ways to more enjoy living. Tell your sweetheart about strategies you use for such things as achieving goals and enjoying yourself. Tell each other about what you think is interesting, what is worthwhile, and what is encouraging. If you share positive ideas, you will think of each other as pleasant and enjoyable.

Encourage your partner to act and make decisions. Both of you will be able to accomplish more with the other's support and encouragement. When there is a disagreement, be patient. If you need to criticize, offer an attractive alternative rather than a condemnation. Your encouragement likely will produce more good results than will your objections.

The good things in life are much more important than the disappointments. Reward yourself and your partner for the good in what you are doing. Treat yourself well. Remind yourself often of what you and your partner are doing right.

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part II)

2012-08-21T17:04:00.002-07:00

This is a continuation of part one of this article which covered aspects such as communication, paying attention, affection and staying connected.
We will continue to explore some of the underlying reasons why many married couples seem to be drifting apart and offer suggestions how to prevent or minimize these pitfalls. Being aware of the marital problems and actively working to avoid them can help restore or saved a marriage in trouble.

6. Lack of understanding. A lot of the frustration between married couples arises because one partner feels the other just doesn't understand them. But maybe they would understand if the situation was communicated to them better. It may be clear to you but it really needs to be clear to them. Explain the problem in a different way and give them a chance. Don't be vague and if you have to, break it down in smaller components. BE PATIENT! It may take longer for them to understand. Have them repeat the scenario in their own words so that they can translate it into something they can understand. If they want to work the problem out with you, then a solution will be found and met.

7. No teamwork. A marriage is the union of two people working together towards one main goal- to be happy with each other. There are plenty of times when you two are not physically together but there still needs to be a mutual connection so your marriage can run smoothly. Teamwork depends on communication; letting the other person know what you're doing to keep up your end of the deal. A simple message telling the other person that you took care of the bills this month or went grocery shopping let's them know that they don't need to worry about those issues. In this two-person team, each individual has their own responsibilities to tend to. If each side pulls through, the stress levels will not be so high and you can move on to the next matter. It's like rowing; if only one side of the boat is paddling, you'll continue to go in circles and you'll never reach your destination.

8. Little compromise. When you're single in this world, it's every man for him self. But in a marriage, it's crucial to have some "give and take." Somebody has to cook or clean or pick up the kids, that's a given. But if time, effort, and energy allows for it, go the extra mile and offer to do or help with one of your spouse's duties, especially if you can tell their energy level is low. You may end up putting a great deal of effort into the task but the outcome will exceed the energy exerted. Your spouse will see and appreciate your deed and will want to repay you when your energy level is low. As far as arguing goes, pick your battles. If you can tell your partner feels strongly about a certain issue, a suggestion would be to back down. However, if you feel strongly on the opposing subject, try negotiating a deal out where both of you are happy. If you give a little, an understanding partner will give as much as you. Once you inch closer and closer to each other, a happy medium will be met.

9. A need for organization. Many people feel their lives are chaotic when their home is a mess. The positive energy that comes from an organized home can spread through out many areas in your life, which is why it's so important to create a system that sorts out your domestic matters. A few suggestions may be to designate a specific place to put your incoming and outgoing mail. If you feel it necessary, make an official "Inbox" and "Outbox" so there is no confusion as to what bills or letters need to be mailed and which ones need to be read. Another idea is to use a bulletin board or dry erase board. This is a place to leave "I'll be back soon" notes or grocery lists or "Things To Do" lists. As the chores are completed, for example, they can be crossed off the list that is out in the open so everyone can see. This may sound a bit clerical but running a home is very similar to running an office and in order to have an efficient workplace, all involved parties need to be informed; just like at home.

10. Lack of knowledge. Love is a very important factor in a marriage but think about this... say you're offered a promotion in a field you're not too familiar with but always wanted to learn more about. You may really love the idea of a better job or career change and will love the pay even more but you should ask yourself if you're really that prepared to take on all the challenges and responsibilities that come with that promotion. Maybe before taking the job, you'll need training and more knowledge to build confidence and skill in that field. The same principles can be applied to marriage. If you're not ready to deal with the challenges and difficulties of marriage, maybe you should educate yourself more so you do feel comfortable. Even if you do feel you're ready, read up on marriage matters and watch other married couples to gather book and real life tips and guide lines. The more you know ahead of time, the less unfortunate surprises you'll have and the more you'll be able to advance past the little obstacles that others can get hung up on. This will decrease the stress levels in your marriage and free up time so you can focus on more important concerns such as bonding with your spouse.

This list is not entirely comprehensive as there are many other factors that can occur. However, these ten points seem to address the most issues that are plaguing today's couples, many of which may not seem so obvious. I feel that your marriage can definitely improve even if you only practice a few of these points. The key word however is practice. Good Luck.

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)

2012-08-21T17:03:00.002-07:00

When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many couples often state that they have just grown apart. The reality of that statement just means the individuals no longer relate to or appreciate each other as they once did. This damage often occurs over a period of months or years and it is not even realized until it becomes a serious issue, which often escalates the marital problems even further.
It is the purpose of this article to expose some of the underlying reasons for "growing apart" with hopes that this knowledge can prevent the situations from happening.

1. Lack of communication. Every day life is moving at such a fast pace these days that it seems people are forgetting to "stop and smell the coffee" or rather stop and tell their spouse that they love them and appreciate them. Or even simpler than that, they forget to mention that they are cooking dinner on a certain night or are planning to mow the yard later. Saying those few words can lessen the stress of every day responsibilities and create a happier home and relationship.

2. Too much talking and not enough listening. Okay, so maybe people do say some of the little things above but your partner may be too busy to remember. This is why listening often plays a more important role than talking. I mean, what's the point of talking if no one is listening? The next time you and your spouse are talking, listen to what he or she is saying. If it happens to be, "Hey, I'm cooking dinner Thursday night," you can say something back like, "Great! What are we having?" The next most important step is remembering your plans! If your memory tends to fail you, write it down. A Post-It on your work surface or a note in you day planner will work fine; just as long as you see it daily so when Thursday afternoon comes, you'll know where you'll need to be in a few hours.

3. Lack of attention. This ties in with listening to your spouse. Sometimes people hear things and it "goes in one ear and out the other." But try this... if your spouse is telling you about a project either work related or something he or she is taking on personally, ask him or her about the progress a few days after hearing the news. Once the subject comes up enough, your spouse will want to tell you something new that they learned. Even if you have no interest or just no clue about the matter, you can still give him or her the attention they deserve. If you don't know what to say, a simple, "Wow; you learn something new everyday," or "I'm proud of you," will be sufficient. I'm sure a positive response is all the other person is looking for, especially if they know that you're not familiar with the topic.

4. Lack of affection. The type of affection mentioned here isn't necessarily pertaining to physical affection. If you're not really the "touchy-feely" type, compliments work just as well! If you haven't given one in a while, now is a great time to start. Take notice of a physical feature your spouse really likes about him or her self. Tell him or her how something they wear or a certain color really accentuates that feature. I'm sure he or she will be so happy you noticed that you'll at least get a hug or a smile out of the deal. I wouldn't advise complimenting on a feature that your spouse is self-conscious of because chances are, he or she will think you're just saying it to say it and that you really don't mean it. You can also compliment your loved one on how smart he or she is. This will be especially easy if they're knowledgeable in a certain area. Obviously they like that topic or they wouldn't study it so much. Tell him or her that you're impressed or amazed by the amount of information they know. It will not only boost the confidence of your spouse, but yourself and your marriage!

5. Lack of connection. Lately, with all the stress on individuality around us, we don't take the time to bond with our peers. This is especially true for a career oriented married couple. Both husband and wife work separately all day and when they come home, they're still in that individual mind-set. Your spouse is there to comfort and support you so depend on him or her a little. It will show that you're capable of taking care of yourself all day but still like his or her company to rely on after a rough day alone. Help each other out by sharing duties or trading duties that night. Yes, everyone gets tired but if you notice you have a little bit more energy than your spouse, pick up the slack for him or her that night. They will appreciate the deed and will or should return it another night when you are not feeling up to your end of the chores. Remember marriage is about two people joining lives. You may be separated all day but when you're together, you represent a two-person union that depends on itself to run smoothly.

It is the belief of this author that applying these suggestions on a daily basis will indeed help a troubled couple regain the closeness and magic their relationship once had. The results won't happen overnight but neither did the problems. Patience and understanding are key factors here but the benefits will far exceed the effort.

Pornography in Christian Marriage - Four Mistakes Wives Must Avoid

2012-08-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Did you know:

That 28,258 Internet users are viewing pornography every second?
That every second, 372 Internet users are typing adult search terms into search engines?

If you have any suspicion at all that your husband may be involved in pornography you must not sit idle. Waiting around for evidence is just one form of denial. If your husband has nothing to hide then he should have no problems with your desire for accountability.

If you're ready to face the truth about men and pornography, there are some important pitfalls you need to avoid before you confront your husband.

1. Don't think it's just a "little problem".

2. Don't accept responsibility or blame for his problem.

3. Pornography is a spiritual issue.

4. You cannot fight the battle alone.First, pornography is not child's play. It quickly becomes an obsession that is just as powerful as a drug habit. It grips a person in a stranglehold that is nearly impossible to break. And similar to drugs, it leads people down a path of diminishing returns.

Second, if your husband is involved in pornography you may find yourself thinking that there is something wrong with you, his wife. Don't believe this lie for one second. It's critical that you point the finger in the proper direction because if you're willing to take the blame for his problem, he will never face up to it and without him owning up to the problem, it will never be resolved.

He most likely had an habitual sexual craving long before he met you. Regardless, it has nothing to do with your appearance or the way you perform in the bedroom.

Third, pornography is a spiritual issue because a man's own perceived needs have become his god and he constantly seeks out ways to worship himself through sexual gratification.

Your husband's problem with pornography is devastating to his soul. He is living a life of misery as he attempts to feed a growing monster that cannot be satisfied.

Finally, all this information would be very discouraging if you had to figure out how to deal with it all by yourself. Thank God that you don't.

God is a strong tower you can run to when it's time to face this battle. You must first seek His guidance and comfort. The most difficult, yet most important step to take, is to recognize your husband's need for redemption. You will have to take your eyes off of yourself, and the pain and anger you are rightfully feeling, and learn how you can help your spouse.

Ask God to give you the desire to find help for your husband. Seek a Christian marriage counselor that can lead you in the right direction. There are biblical principles you can implement in broken relationships that can make redemption, reconciliation and restoration possible.

If you want to save your marriage from the poison of pornography and restore trust and true intimacy to your marriage, you must take whatever steps are necessary to help break the bondage of your husband's pornography obsession.

The Five Love Languages: A Good Gift for Couples

2012-08-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

The Five Love Languages is the best gift I have ever given to my friend.

My good friend, Janet had been married for almost 6 years. She and Ross met at a church camp and it was love at first sight.
They were very different in many ways but they felt that opposites definitely attracted. The first year of marriage was harmonious and wonderful. Their first child, Keone was born nearly two years after they got married.

In the second year of their marriage, they started feeling that opposites don't attract for long. They had very different ideas about how the living room should be decorated and which restaurants to dine at. When Keone came along, they started facing more challenges. Ross had been a vegetarian all his life and felt that there was no harm in bringing Keone as one too. Janet was vehemently against it though.

Their differences in opinions started affecting the way they treated each other. She started feeling very down when Ross came home from work and couldn't help showing it. He sensed it and started coming home late to avoid arguments. This started affecting Keone as he wasn't seeing much of his father.

When their third wedding anniversary came along, Ross couldn't be bothered to even acknowledge it. Janet was furious because she had put her life at risk during childbirth to give him a beautiful son. It was the last straw for her. She walked out on him with her son while Ross was at work.

He came home to an empty house and was livid to find that she had done this. She turned off her mobile phone for two days and he had no way of contacting her. Even her family didn't know her whereabouts.

When he eventually traced her, he showed interest only in his son and was relieved that he was safe. She knew then that this marriage was over. Both of them were so angry with each other that they couldn't see any sense and refused to give the marriage another chance at least for the sake of their son.

They were apart for two months. Both of them were suffering from depression. She called me almost every day and cried. Ross was angry and bitter. Their son who was with Janet was hardly one but was growing up as a confused kid as daddy saw him only for a few hours in a week.

I knew that I had to help my friend but I was no marriage counselor. However, I had read a few self-improvement books before I got married. Amongst them was a book that really helped me. It was the 5 Love Languages. This book talks about the 5 different love languages individuals use to express and receive love.

The five love languages are words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, gifts and quality time.

Words of affirmation

Some people want to hear praises and compliments. "You're beautiful", "You are the best thing that happened to me" and "You are my life" are words that fill up their love tanks.

Quality time

Some want undivided time and attention from their partners. This means that they want their partner to be solely focused on them. Being partially focused on the tv or the newspaper will not be accepted.

Receiving gifts

Some want gifts from their partner. The more effort and thought the partner puts into the gift, the more appreciation is felt by the receiver and this fills his or her love tank.

Acts of Service

Some want their partners to help them with the household chores and other work which will help them ease their burden.

Physical touch

This shouldn't be mistaken for sex. Some people receive love through hugs, kisses, strokes, pats and other forms of physical touch. They thrive with a very tactile partner.

I knew that both Janet and Ross still loved each other. However, they kept pointing their fingers at each other for not showing enough care for each others' needs. They kept focusing on each others' mistakes and failed to look at where they themselves were going wrong.

I knew that the time had come for both of them to read The Five Love Languages. I had no guarantee that this book would help them but there was no harm trying. I gave Janet a copy and couriered one to Ross.

Janet read the book within a week. When I asked her what she had learnt from it, she was speechless. She just didn't know what to say. After a few days, she told me that she was accepting the fact that she had been wrong in some ways. She felt bad for leaving the house with the baby without telling Ross. She suddenly became aware that she hadn't given much attention to his needs in the relationship or rather his love languages although they were quite obvious.

One of the things that she had found attractive about him was his tidiness. He took the trouble to keep the house clean. However, she was really poor at keeping the house tidy. On days he had to work late, he hoped to come back to a clean and tidy house. However, he often came back to a cluttered and messy house which drove him up the wall. He told her off and she often ended up sulking the whole night. She felt that he was always telling her off. She wanted to hear compliments and praises but felt that he was losing his ability to give them to her.

She often gave him gifts but this was one love language he couldn't appreciate. He was very uncomfortable receiving gifts. When she bought him some new shirts on Valentine's Day, he chided her severely. She felt so unappreciated by this.

Upon reading the book, she realised that he wanted acts of service from her which she often took for granted. Also, she realised that receiving gifts wasn't his love language and she needn't waste time getting him gifts.

I coaxed Janet to call Ross up and surprisingly she did. They decided to meet up a few days later at a café. She told him about the 5 Love Languages and how she had began to understand what his needs were. For the first time in months, he felt that she had changed considerably in her expectations towards him. Seeing the change in her, he agreed to read the book.

Upon reading the book, he admitted that he could see where he had gone wrong too albeit reluctantly. He hardly gave her any words of affirmation. He was quick to pick on her but hardly gave her any credit for anything. He was often working late and on days he wasn't, he watched tv. She felt ignored and began to feel lonely in the marriage.

A few weeks later, both of them decided to give their marriage another chance. She and Keone moved back with Ross. They also went for marriage counseling. A few months later, Janet called me one morning to thank me. She said that the worse was over for Ross and her. They had put in a lot of effort to rectify their problems and it was beginning to pay off.

Janet felt that The Five Love Languages was an eye-opener to her. If not for this book, she would not have realised what her mistakes were in their relationship.

To this day, she feels that this book was the best gift she had ever received and has given it to many of her friends as a wedding gift.

Janet, Ross and I believe that this book is a must-read for all couples.

If a friend of yours is getting married, The Five Love Languages will be the perfect gift.

Healthy Communication

2012-08-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Language is a uniquely human invention. We were given language to create, convey information, and express ourselves. Can you imagine going through the day without narrating your experiences in your head? The problem with language is that we often take its power and influence for granted - especially when communicating with our spouse. There are 5 essential principles for healthy communication.

Rule number one, attack the problem, not the person. This rule is often broken in the heat of the moment when we feel we are being attacked ourselves. Staying focused on the problem and not slandering the person is integral to healthy communication.

Rule number two, don't bring up the past (stay in the here and now). Often this occurs when we break rule number one and we want to lash out at our partner, so we end up bringing up something they did wrong from the past.

Rule number three, speak from you own thoughts and feelings. We often want to put our feelings onto other instead of owning them ourselves. We might say, "John why do you always abandon me at parties." Instead we could say, "John, I would prefer you to stay with me at parties."

Rules number four, stay away from absolutes. We can use the preceding example to illustrate this point as well. When Mary was accusing John of abandoning her at parties, she used the word always. The problem is this type of statement leave John nowhere to go. It backs him into a corner and paints him one shade of color so that he has to defend himself.

Rule number five, don't bring in other people - no triangulation. When we feel attacked we often want to bring in other people to take our sides. This does not mean we physically go get someone, but more metaphorically, when we mention someone else's name in the conversation to illustrate our point. "I was talking to Susan about this issues and she agrees with me that you're being a real heel." Or the husband might reply, "Bob thinks you're being completely unreasonable in this issue."

In addition to the 5 rules, there are several techniques that can be helpful to support the rules. We'll discuss the 3 most important. Consider paraphrasing what your partner has said in order to convey empathic listening. For example, "Mary, I hear that you are upset and feel abandoned at parties and that you would like me to stay with you more and socialize as a couple." Or, "John, I hear that you like to talk with your men friends about men things sometimes and not always socialize at parties as a couple." By paraphrasing our partner's statements demonstrates a sense of being heard and emotionally validated.

Another technique is not trying to solve your partner's problem. When your partner venting to you about his or her day, don't take the other persons side or jump in and try to solve their problem. Your job in this case is to soothe your partner's frustrations and encourage them in solving their own problem. Men, this especially pertains to you.

Finally, try the technique of walking away or talking about the issues at a later date. The rule of never going to sleep mad is ridiculous. Having time to compose yourself, or giving yourself time to think through and issues is never wrong. Some issues are such hot buttons they need thoughtful consideration before they are discussed.

Healthy communication is not natural. We have to work at how we communicate in order to resolve our differences and move forward as a couple. The goal is not ever to argue, the goal is to argue in a way that leaves us individually more whole, and collectively in a better place as a couple.

Tom Philp, MS, LPC, NCC is a Licensed and Board Certified Professional Counselor. He has over 12 years experience as a counselor, coach, and consultant, and currently manages a group practice in Tulsa, OK. He devotes the majority of his clinical work to the healing and repair of hurting marriages.

Love Your Husband

2012-08-16T17:15:00.000-07:00

When children come, make sure your husband's wife doesn't leave. Don't ever let your love for your child overshadow your love for your husband. Make sure that, once you become a mother, you don't forget you were a wife first and still are. Be his warm and always-willing woman. He should never lack your affection, companionship, or intimacies.

Make sure you never put your husband in the uncomfortable position of competing for your attention, love, or affection-especially in the horrid position of competing for you against his own children. The day our first baby is born, it is up to us to make sure that it is not also the death of our husband's lover. I am speaking of more here than just intimate matters, although I am most specifically referring to that also. Love, affection, and just desiring to be with him are also vital needs of your husband. Keep each of these filled and he will not stray far from his first love.

Not only do most women lessen their definition of "acceptable" as far as attire is concerned after a baby is born, many of us also lessen up on trying to keep him. I guess we think we are married and secure, so now we don't have to worry about trying to keep him since we've already got him. The truth of the matter is that once we got 'em we still need to work on keeping 'em.

Don't let your wedding day be the end of trying to dress or fix yourself up in a way that makes him proud. Before we were married, we paid more attention to what we wore and how we looked. He still appreciates your taking the same care after you are his wife. Remember how you feel when you know he thinks you look nice. Aim for that mark.

I know that there is at least one of you who think that if you're never intimate with your husband again you won't really care. You don't want or need it, and you might even think something is wrong with you. I went through a time like this and I'm sure someone else here has, too. Let's talk about this for a minute. If this is you, first of all, let go of the guilt and shame. It is okay to feel this way. What might not be okay is how you deal with it.

So what do you do? Remember that fire analogy? That's what you do. You do it anyway. You might surprise yourself and find that you want to after all. Remember, oftentimes desire follows instead of precedes obedience. Intimacy with your husband is required of you by God. Obedience just might light your fire. The other thing that might happen is that you might find if you are honest with your husband and share your frustration that it will be fun to get you through it.

20 Things Everyone Should Do Before Having Kids

2012-08-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

1. Enjoy having a tidy, clean, cool-looking apartment. Once babies come, your place will be overrun with crap - big, plastic baby crap, at first, and then big, plastic toddler crap, and then random crap like shoes and backpacks and then teenage crap which I don't even want to think about yet.
2. Have a real vacation. Several of them. And travel to far-away lands.

3. Get all the drugs and booze and partying out of your system. I'm looking at you, Snooki.

4. Achieve some career goals. You'll definitely still have a chance to pursue career goals once you have kids, but your time will be much more limited and it will help if you already have some successes under you to give you a leg up.

5. Sleep naked as much as possible.

6. Sleep in.

7. Get health insurance. Duh.

8. Fail at something epically.

Parenting poses lots of challenges and chances are you are going to fail at some of them before you succeed. Or you're going to succeed for a while and then fail a little. Or you're going to have children who fail at some things, sometimes. Having experience dealing with epic failure and the resulting emotions will make you better equipped to handle failures in parenting.

9. Establish some savings and an emergency nest egg that will support your family (i.e. cover all bills and living expenses) for at least six months.

10. Spend time with kids (kids in the family, friends' kids, in a volunteer position, or just go hang out at your local ice cream parlor for a few hours on a Saturday afternoon).

11. Spend holidays with people other than your family.

When you have children, your parents and your partners' parents are suddenly going to want to see "you" (i.e. your kids) a lot more. Every holiday will be spoken for, whether it's with your family or your in-laws, so take advantage of the freedom to spend Thanksgiving with your best friends before it becomes a reason to make you feel guilty for keeping your children away from their grandparents.

12. Cuss as much as you want without putting money in a swear jar or apologizing to your spouse or pretending you said "fudge" or "tassel."

13. Next month, take 1/4 of your monthly income and either set it on fire or, better, donate it to a local children's charity, and see if you can still afford to pay your bills and maybe order a pizza one Friday night.

14. See movies in the movie theater - lots of movies, as many as you can. Once you have kids, you'll have a hard time justifying the expense of a babysitter so you and your spouse can hang around in the dark together not talking and not having sex. And if you have the chance to go without your significant other, you'll probably want to spend that time catching up with friends, getting your nails done, or sleeping instead.

15. Spend three nights in a row waking up every two hours for an hour each time, and imagine doing that for three months while your ears bleed.

16. Take an infant CPR class.

17. Spend an afternoon spelling out words, like "i-c-e c-r-e-a-m" and "s-w-i-m-m-i-n-g p-o-o-l" to your significant other. See if you still want to bone at the end of the day.

18. Have lots of morning sex.

19. Own white furniture.

20. Decide for sure whether you really want them.

What Women Want in a Relationship: 7 Hot Needs of Your Wife

2012-08-15T17:05:00.003-07:00

Women are creatures of desire. This is because they are emotional beings, and what women want in a relationship goes down to their feminine nature which men should thoroughly understand.

Having a good relationship with a woman requires knowing her innate needs. What women what in a relationship depends on certain factors, but the following are general needs that serious men should consider very well.

Having a good relationship with a woman requires knowing her innate needs. What women what in a relationship depends on certain factors, but the following are general needs that serious men should consider very well.

1. Affection
2. Admiration
3. Attraction
4. Attention
5. Addiction
6. Adaptation
7. Addition

1. Affection: women want affection. They want to know that they are loved and valued in their relationships with men. You may hold a woman by hand as you walk together. Help her in household chores once in a while. Be kind and affectionate in your words - women are moved by what they hear. You should be lovely in words and in deeds.

2. Admiration: Women want men to admire them. They know this admiration when men are fond of them. Do not compare her with her friends; rate her well as being loveable. Respect her and her feelings.

3. Addiction: As a man, if you are truly in love with a woman, you will be addicted to her. It will be difficult to separate from her because she is interesting, caring, loving and well-behaved. Addiction is cleaving to a woman in spite of differences and weaknesses. Women want men to forbear with them and keep to them faithfully.

4. Attraction: Men are able to create deep impressions on women's hearts by virtue of emotional and physical attraction; women want their men to be attractive always. They want their emotions to be lively. There is something in every man that attracts a woman. It could be in terms of character, humor, appearance, or temperaments. You should make yourself attractive. Be a person that your woman would love to be with and be proud of.

5. Attention: The desire for intimacy is in every woman. Give yourself to her. Spend time with your beloved woman. Listen attentively to her. It is wrong to throw off women's opinions as trivial matters. Let her express herself the ways she feels. Women want men to be available wherever and whenever they want them to be with them, may be while cooking, shopping, or while having a moment of relaxation.

6. Adaptation: Women want men who will adapt to their temperaments. They want men who will accept them for who they are. One area is the need to validate their feelings. Men are logical in reasoning while women are emotional. So, they like men who validate their feelings. It really hurts to trivialize a woman's spheres of reasoning. Feel everything with her.

7. Addition: Every reasonable woman wants a man who will contribute positively to her life. Women do not like men whose intent is to take advantage of them for selfish reasons. They want a love relationship that helps them to improve in all areas of their being as well as their endeavours. Women what more value to be added to their femininity and personality

In all, what women want in a relationship is happiness. Happiness is not a mirage. It is possible in respect of the above needs when men meet them satisfactorily.

How To Act Like a Wife, Yet Think Like a Mistress

2012-08-15T15:28:00.002-07:00

The battle of the wife and the mistress has been one fought for centuries. We have come to know the mistress as a woman with no regard to anyone's feelings or any morals. She waits to find unsuspecting husbands who are weak to her sexual advances. She then attacks him with her sweet smile and sexy style leaving him helpless yet wanting more.
The wife, innocent and naive, never sees it coming. OK maybe that was a way over the top description but that what most people think a mistress is. What may shock you is that a wife can actually learn a few things from a mistress and a mistress should know some things about a wife.

I asked a few men who were brave enough to admit of their affairs what made them want to find another woman and the answers seem to be the same. They wanted a woman to admire them and make them feel needed. They liked the fact that she would notice the little things that he would do. A mistress has a way of playing up the fact that she loves the man he is now, instead of the man he used to be. The wife on the other hand has the memories of a better man than what he is today and longs to have him back. A man wants someone to accept him at all stages of his life. His past,present,and his future. The mistress has the advantage of getting to play up on loving all his good... but she also has a disadvantage.

The wife has put in the time,effort,and sweat to be able to hold such a coveted title. She knows him inside and out, something the mistress doesn't have. The wife will always come first whether the husband wants to admit it. The wife takes care of him in a way the mistress cannot. She has put in more time nurturing him and not only that she has his kids. He can take the wife around friends and family and not worry about if she is going to be inappropriate or embarrass him. Not to say a mistress can't carry herself like a wife... but in most cases she is only for a good time and not for all the time. The mistress is there to stroke his ego. The wife is there to help carry some of the load of having a family. The mistress is who you complain to. The wife is who you tell your secrets to. The mistress offers fantasy while the wife is reality. So how can you act like a wife, think like a mistress?

You need to make your home a comfort from the storm of life. The mistress doesn't yell at him for not taking out the trash or remind him of bills that he already knows that are due. Be his biggest cheerleader. He should be able to know that no matter how small the accomplishment make sure to acknowledge it and not follow it up with something he is not doing. It's funny on a sitcom to do that but not in real life. The mistress knows to make the man feel good at all times. Keep yourself looking nice. That doesn't mean you have to be a certain "type" since he fell in love with you. Yet that doesn't give you an excuse to buy all things with drawstring and elastic waistbands. The mistress always looks her best when she is with her man no matter what is going on in her personal life. You are not his warden nor school teacher so correcting your husband and nagging him is definitely a no! The mistress is great at making each moment they are together sweet and drama free. Take these tips and watch your marriage do a 180. You CAN be everything he needs!

Become your husband's mistress and give one less "other woman" a fighting chance to attack your relationship.

New Ways To Keep Your Marriage Stronger Than Ever

2012-08-14T22:08:00.001-07:00

The reality is that married couples no matter in what stage they are of their relationship will continue to face challenges. Those who have reached their 15th year, however, may already be capable enough to endure the trials moving forward compared to those who are just starting out. When you're enjoying your 15 years of togetherness, one can claim to have learned the skills in managing the various aspects of their marital relationship such as negotiating with in-laws when it comes to holidays, calming kids who throw a tantrum and talking things out including personal issues.

So if you'd like to make your bond last and enjoy your family, there are areas where you can still learn to improve particularly with regards to communicating with your spouse.

In the area of settling conflicts, psychologists say it's not always necessary to resolve your issues before you sleep as what many people believe. Although it should be an ideal thing to do, it should not be forced on if it isn't possible. Relationship experts explained that problems are not often resolved when spouses are mad. As they are overwhelmed with negative emotions at that instance, they are not usually able to settle their conflict. So it's fine to sleep on it and discuss the issue when both have recharged and are already calm.

A better way to handle your relationship is to spend a time every night to talk about the positive side of your marriage. This will give you both the opportunity to reflect on what you've done instead of discussing the weaknesses of each other. And don't forget to seal with your night with a kiss even if it's for a few seconds regardless of the emotion you're feeling. That act alone will be a reminder of your love for each other.

Don't also believe that just because you and your spouse have different interests, you will eventually find yourselves falling out of love. The contrary is what's actually true because experts have found that couples who have not many common interests are those who remain happy in their relationships. What matters is both of you take the effort to nurture your bond. As experts always say, it's important for couples to work as a team. This means the husband and wife should understand each other and find ways to resolve their issues.

Keeping your sex life alive is another important consideration. It's not true that just because you've reached your menopause age or mid-life your sexual drive should also decrease. A British study has actually found that some women who had gone through menopause claimed to enjoy their sex lives better than before. Their intimacy improved and they're more able to communicate well about their sexual needs.

So you see, there's reason to be happy when you're married despite the ups and downs. As long as you do your share in nurturing your relationship, your bond will endure through the years.

The Importance of Sex in Marriage

2012-08-14T22:03:00.002-07:00

Remember the intensity of sex at the beginning of your relationship? Sex was fun, passionate and, likely, more frequent than it is now. The fact that this romantic stage of relationship fades is a normal, and certainly disappointing, course of a committed relationship. Once the intensity wears off or the frequency dies down, you may view sex any number of ways: as something you miss, something you no longer have the time or desire for, or something you're relieved not to have to do.

Or you may be in a partnership that continues to value sex. These couples make the time to be sexual, they talk to their partners about sex, they view expressing their love physically as exquisite. These couples know an important secret: that sex is a gift. It is healthy and natural and a vital part of the human experience. It is a unique way to express your love, unlike in any other relationship you've been in. In a committed relationship, it is a means of experiencing the closest emotional intimacy of our adult lives. There can be safety, love, and acceptance in this connection. The fun you share in sex (playing, learning about one another, sometimes making mistakes and laughing at ourselves) is bonding you together as well. Beyond expressing love for one another and having fun together, sex has a powerful positive impact on each partner.

Most men want to feel competent and capable. One way they feel this is in their ability to please their wives sexually. This is a powerful force for a husband and when he feels competent in his marriage, he tends to feel the same in other roles in his life. Also, for many married men, sex is much more than physically feeling good. It is emotional and spiritual. It is a way for a man to express his love for his wife. This connects to what his wife is longing for. Most wives want to feel desired, cherished, and connected. When she is an interested and enthusiastic partner, her husband will desire and cherish her and do just about anything for her. And she will feel a profound connection to her husband. A sexually fulfilled woman will have less stress and more joy in her life. And these feelings will overflow into all areas of her life.

(Sometimes sex brings up painful memories or feelings. These concerns must be addressed in order to have a fulfilling sexual relationship. Healing this part of yourself is possible. I encourage you to begin work with a therapist you feel safe with.)

Sex is vitally important to a healthy marriage. This type of sexual connection takes some work, some talking, and lots of learning and fun. It is one of the best investments you can make and the rewards are astounding.

Reasons Why Marriages Fail for Women - Marital Issues, Inequality, Infidelity and Discrimination

2012-08-14T21:59:00.001-07:00

Reasons marriages fail

There are reasons, as to why marriages fail for women. Men and women, unfortunately, may view marriage differently from each other. I am not a relationship expert but I believe, the differences in gender beliefs, contributes to marital issues for women. Since both genders are opposite of each other, their views on gender roles, may also differ. Here are the top marital issues and reasons, why marriages fail for women.

Marital Issues for Women

Abuse

Because of a man's cultural beliefs, and misinterpretation, of what a marriage stands for, many husbands direct abuse upon their wives. Many husbands, unfortunately, make the mistake of thinking, that a marriage gives them ownership of their wives. Many believe that they have the right to treat their wives, any way they wish. Abuse is one marital issue and reason, as to why marriages fail.

Selfishness

Women are givers but unfortunately, many husbands are takers. Some husbands, unfortunately, make the mistake of thinking, that women are here, just to benefit them. A woman doesn't get married, just to benefit her husband. They get married, to benefit from their husbands, as well. A husband who thinks only of himself, will negatively affect his marriage. Many husbands, unfortunately are selfish, when it comes to money and many will hide or withhold it from their wives. A man's selfishness, is another marital issue that can cause a marriage to fail.

Lack of equality

Most wives believe in equality when it comes to their marriage relationships. There are many husbands, however, that do not agree. If a husband does not give his wife equal respect, consideration and say, in the marriage, she will feel as if she isn't important. Equality is necessary, in order to sustain a relationship. Many husbands, unfortunately, make the mistake of thinking, that their spouses are beneath them. They will unfortunately, treat their spouses as if, they do not deserve equal treatment.

Taken for granted

Women are naturally giving but unfortunately, many men will take advantage of a woman's giving spirit. If a man takes a woman's giving heart, for granted, she will lose interest in her husband. Many men, unfortunately, expect their wives, to serve and clean up after them. A wife will lose interest in her husband, if she is treated like a servant, instead of his wife. A woman did not get married, to be a servant. If a wife is being taken for granted, by her husband, she may begin to wonder, why she is married.

Neglect

A woman knows that she must maintain her marriage relationship. Some men unfortunately, make the mistake of thinking, that they no longer have to maintain their relationships, after marriage. If a husband neglects his wife, the chances are good, that she will eventually end her marriage.

Infidelity

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons why marriages fail for both, genders. A wife, however, will try to make a go of their marriage, after infidelity. A woman's marriage will fall apart, if her husband, continues on with the affair.

Incompatibility

Incompatibility is another reason why marriages fail. If a husband and wife have no common interest or goals, they may begin to live separate lives, which will eventually cause them to become permanently distant.

Unrealistic expectations

Unfortunately, some men have unrealistic expectations, of their wives, after marriage. Unfortunately, many begin to treat their wives, differently after marriage. Some have unrealistic expectations and expect their wives to clean up after them, cook and serve them dinner, take care of the children, keep the house tidy and maintain their sex appeal. Some expect their wives to endure emotional and physical abuse. Many expect their wives to accept the inequality they direct upon them. Unfortunately, these unrealistic expectations contribute to many marital issues for wives, which may cause them to end their marriages. Unfortunately, theses are the major marital issues that can turn a marriage into a divorce.

How to Keep Your Wife Happy As a Muslim

2012-08-14T21:57:00.004-07:00

As a Muslim, keeping your wife happy is not just good for your marriage, it is a great thing for your spiritual life as well as it earns you reward from Allah, thus moving you closer to paradise. Prophet Muhammad (Peace and Blessing of Allah be Upon Him) used to love his wives affectionately, and he used to make sure that he keeps them happy at all times. If you want to keep your wife happy, just as your Prophet did, following are some tips to guide you:

Show Love to Her
Don't just keep telling your wife "I love you", show the love to her. Kiss her tenderly on her lips or cheeks as you come back from work and smile at her with affection from time to time. As a husband, one of your fundamental responsibilities is to keep your wife happy. Look at her with affection and with open heart; let her know that your heart belongs to her and respect her feelings as far as you can. When you're going out for work, hug her tightly then release her fondly; hold her hands and kiss them before you finally wave bye-bye to her.

Flirt With Her
Oh! Yes! You can turn your companion on with a good flirt. Look at your darling deep in her eyes and tell her, "You're mind-blowingly enthralling, enchanting, and endearing". This sort of flirt not only keeps your wife happy, it will earn you reward from Allah as well. Prophet Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him) said: "when a husband and wife look at each other with love, Allah looks at both of them with mercy" (Bukhari).

Treat Her Gently
Don't be harsh on your wife; it's an infringement to your marriage in Islam. Treat your wife kindly and listen to her carefully, especially when you disagree. Be very close to her particularly during her period and pregnancy as she needs your affection the most during these times. Be as tolerant as you can to your sweet partner. Women are emotional and being calm and not cruel to your spouse makes her joyful all the times.

Make Her Feel Secure
Do the things that keeps her safe and secure. For example, when she's mad at you for some reasons, even if you think you're innocent, cover her with compassion. Get down to her and explain why you're innocent. Don't be haughty; always know that you're the Man for her. Let her derive comfort and security from you.

Help Her with House Chores
When she is cooking in the kitchen; for example, be there for her and lend her some hands of assistance. Help her wash the dishes or ask her if you can pour some water in that rice she's cooking. And when the meal is heating up on the cooker, put some hand on her shoulder or kiss her to cool her up. This will be a good turn on for your wife and will definitely make her happy.

Avoid Anger
You don't want to keep your face grim all day for your wife, that will make her unhappy and depressed. If you're hot-tempered, keep wudu (ablution) all the times it helps in controlling your anger. Never allow your hot temper displease your dear wife.

It's very rewarding in Islam to keep your wife in high spirit at all the times. Practicing the above tips is easy and fun. As a Muslim, keeping your spouse happy is your major priority; therefore, do all the things you can, at your disposal, to keep your wife happy.

Importance of Trust In Your Marriage

2012-08-14T19:30:00.001-07:00

Having trust in your marriage is essential. Trust important in all relationships, but when you marry someone, trust is even more important, simply for the reason alone that marriages these days don't often last. We go into marriage hoping for the best but often we secretly distrust in the institution because of what society has told us.

One must trust their spouse to make important financial decisions, to be where they say they are going to be, to show support and encouragement in dark times. If you can't trust your spouse in these issues (or with any area of married life) you have to find a way to rebuild that trust, or you both have to go your separate ways.

So many couples sweep their marriage problems under the rug, not wanting to deal with the fact that there are too many broken promises and hurt feelings in the relationship to count. Feeling too overwhelmed by the damaging effects of distrust is a recipe for denial. And denial usually leads to a riff in the marriage so large that the only way to mend it is to divorce and hope to one day be civil with one another.

Distrust is at the root of EVERY martial conflict. If you truly trusted your spouse, you would always give them the benefit of the doubt. You would assume that all their motives were pure, no matter how poor the execution of their actions. You wouldn't jump on their case all the time, allowing yourself to be wounded by the small stuff.

It's very important that your spouse and you both work to KEEP trust alive in the marriage. It's easy for me to tell you to find it in your heart to trust your spouse, but if he or she has proven him or herself untrustworthy, then you need to speak up and politely yet directly DEMAND honesty and the promise of honor.

Have a conversation tonight with your spouse and ask him or her how you both can get back to a trusting relationship. If one of you has cheated the other in some way (an affair, a financial lie, and family betrayal) it's best to seek out a couples therapist who can help both of you heal the brokenness.

The brokenness cannot heal on its own. It must be addressed because most spouses will never forget a betrayal. The most one can hope for is that they are forgiven, and the first step to forgiveness is repentance, which happens best with the aid of couples counseling.

If your spouse is unwilling to work on rebuilding trust in your marriage, then you need to leave.