just whatever!

Timeline

2011-12-19T09:45:00.001-08:00

Its quite funny, but I just noticed how all the major major (lol) events that happened to my adult life are narrated here... not good!!! teehee! :)

I feel embarrassed about some of them kasi.. but that was me, foolish sometimes, reckless even. But never a lier... Part of growing up, I guess? How about you, do you keep an online diary?

♥♥♥ YUAN IS LOVE LOVE LOVE ♥♥♥

2011-12-18T19:09:00.000-08:00

Yuan is now 1yr and 5mos. He's making a lot of cutesy gestures now and really sooo kagigil :) We havent visited his Pedia for sometime now... my mom advised me to bring him there every month even if he is well... I used to do that before he turns 1 though but not anymore.

Ive been planning on making some journal about him but I was kind of lazy so I never really got to start blogging about his birth or what not. :)

SO let me start here.

The Conception

I was rather in a complicated situation when he was conceived. But I wanted Him. I want a Child.
I knew it would be really difficult. In all aspects. First of all, me and his Dad aren't married yet. And my parents didn't know I was pregnant. They didn't know me and his Dad has something going on, and on top of that, I knew my parents will never like him for me...

For 7 long months I kept my pregnancy from my family. And Friends. I guess that was my only regret. I wish I was able to show everyone How proud I was because I was gonna be a mom. Funny though, that my friends didn't even noticed until I told them. :) But i just realized that they didn't suspect that I was pregnant because they didn't know that I'm capable of such thing (read: premarital sex ). So when I told them they we're really shocked and they were even more shocked when they learned that I was 7 months on the way...

But actually I didn't really kept my pregnancy. I was just not telling anyone about it. If only they asked me, I will tell them the truth. I was kind of embarrassed pa nga when they told me later on na they didn't tell me about the weight that I was putting on kasi I might get offended.They thought that I was just simply getting fat. hahaha :)

On my 8th month Nel and I decided to find a place in Laguna cause we want a place close to my relatives... for my birthing preparation.

37 Weeks and Counting

Everything was going on smoothly until my 37th week when my OB had me undergo IE. Not even 1 cm open. Kind of normal until this period. She said I still have around week 40 for my cervix to open... But It didn't. My OB was still not that worried though. She prescribed me a rosehip Oil that would help thin out my cervix opening so that when Yuan's head starts to nudge against the opening it would then be easier for him to break through. Still No luck.

I was starting to get worried that my cervix was still too tight at 40 weeks.

When week 41 came, I was really really worried. I even got teary eyed during one of my check up with my OB. It was my first pregnancy and I don't want any type of harm to my child.. My OB talked to me that at the rate that we were going it is highly possible that she might put me under C-section. I really had no problem with that but of course I really don't want another big stitch in my body that I will endure and carry forever. But she said that if I really want to have a normal delivery, she will have to do an induction but I had to have another Ultrasound (the scoring one) which I have to pass 8/8 and a Non-stress test which I learned was quite expensive. These are necessary because from these tests we would know if the baby can survive the stress that he will be going through If I were to push through with the Normal Delivery. She said that I can still think about it because we only have until the following week (week 42) to deliver my baby...

All these tests, will slash off about 3.5k from our existing budget. Plus still NO Assurance that the baby will be delivered NSD.

During this time, the birthing money that we were saving was starting to get smaller day after day. I don't want unnecessary additional expenses and most of all, I want to make sure my child is SAFE. There was no point going under Normal Delivery if it will harm my Yuan.. No Way. I thought about it and decided that I want to see my child NOW. I was also thinking that I knew in my heart that I would still go for C-sec even if we pass all those tests because I was afraid something might happen during normal delivery... atleast when i go for C-sec it's only ME that is in 50/50 during the operation. MY child will be safe.

I called the Hospital. Called for a room reservation. I decided to give birth in Ospital ng Muntinlupa instead of In San Pedro Doctors where I usually go for Pre-natal check-up.. My OB is a doctor there as well..

It is my parents Wedding Anniversary on JUL 1, I chose this date for my yuan. At 9 pm we were at the hospital with all our things. But the OB on duty at the emergency room was adamant to have me confined. She said I have to let my OB know first and that I will have to talk to her.. I told my OB my decision. But she refused and she instructed me to still get all the tests she was asking me to get.

My excitement died down. Hmp. So we went home with my Yuan still inside me :)

I had all those tests accomplished by Friday and Saturday. Monday came ( Jul 5, 2010) and I went to my OB again for my Pre-natal check up with all the tests results she asked me to get. We talked and I explained to her why I came up with that quick decision. add to that, I was so afraid to wait for week 42 which is a dealine. I don't want my Son to pu-pu inside cause it might put him to risk.

She said that maybe, I have pampered my baby in my tummy too much that he liked it inside very much. She said it does happen that when a fetus gets really comfortable inside, it takes a while for them to realize that its time they should see the world already :)

The Appointment

So we decided that I will deliver my baby the next day Jul 6. I was scheduled to be at the hospital at 10am. She instructed that I can still eat dinner when I get home that day. But I have to make sure that I have no food/water intake by 12 midnight already. OK. Copy that.

Nel and I went up to Shell Mamplasan to withdraw some money we will be using for tomorrow... On our way back to Inay's house we passed by an ihaw-ihaw which I normally ignore but this time, I bought some liver and pork ihaw. I ate it for my dinner with some rice..

The Meeting

At 8pm, I felt I have to take a leak. I did. When I got up from my sitting position, as I try to pull my knickers up I felt some gush of fluid going outside my body.. It felt quiet sticky, like that of the egg white.. I knew HE WANTED TO SEE US NOW. (!)

I was curious I looked at the bowl and I saw some hint of blood, just like what Louie (my cousin) was telling me about that once I saw a small amount of blood in my underwear, its an indication that baby's gonna come out.

Nel assisted me going back to our house to get our things and wait for Papa and Mama to pick us up. While walking back to our house some neighbors were looking outside their window wishing us good luck. My baby is quite popular even when still inside my tummy. :)

At the hospital, the anesthesiologist try to delay my operation in a bit because I just had my dinner. He started administering anesthesia on my spine at 11.20 pm. On my first operation before, they had me fall asleep so I didn't know they put me on anesthesia until I woke up... so this would be my first time to witness an anesthesiologist at work! :) They curled me up. Three people holding me trying to tear me apart. Joking! They had me in a fetal position and all three tried to crunch me. I guess they were trying to put some space in my spine where the needle will be inserted. Its a 2.5inch needle mind you. :) Contrary to what other people say, Epidural for me is quite bearable. Its the shame of being in that baby position in my whole nakedness that is hurting me!

He said that he doesn't want me to sleep during the operation because my stomach was still full. He also explained that what the Anesthesia does to our body is it repels all the warmth in our body. Therefore the numb feeling. It also makes one choke in some instances. That's why he didn't want me to sleep. He said that he wants me to be able to spit out what I have in my throat if ever I get choke.. Now that scared me!

As the anesthesia starts to take affect, I felt my body getting numb from my Tummy going down. Somehow I can feel them working on my hip area. I can feel someone lift my leg... I can feel someone touching me there.. probably putting some.. inserting some.. I don't know.. At this time there were about 4-5 people working in that room. As I looked at the glass door leading towards the adjoining delivery room, I saw my body's reflection. I saw my tummy. For a while I was even planning of watching them cut me up from the glass door. It was a bit hazy then, I feel a bit sleepy too cause it late already...

I remember moving my hand. Pinching my hip. For a while I had some weird flashes of them cutting me up even if the anesthesia was not yet absorbed by my body 100%. I told the anesthesiologist about it... He told me that they were not yet gonna operate on me.. But maybe to give me some piece of mind, he got a little injection with needle and put it against my chest/ skin. He asked if I can feel anything. I said Yes. A bit. He repeated it and put it against my right arm, then my left arm. Then back to my chest. Then he changed the syringe size and got the syringe he used for my spine. The big one. he repeated the same tests and this time I couldn't feel a thing anymore..

It was really hazy, I think I fell asleep for a sec they I woke up, then fell asleep again. I can hear them talking. My OB was so madaldal :) they were talking about diesel etc... the anesthesiologist was seated beside me. He was the one holding my head. I had some difficulty breathing... I just realized that i was breathing through my mouth.. then I remembered having a slight colds few days ago. That could be the reason why it was difficult to breathe. As we progress, my difficulty breathing progressed too. Im my mind I was already panicking! But I decided against it because I don't want complications because I think they are still in the process of getting Yuan out.. Then I heard my Doctor said. Baby's Out! 1.06am. I just will never forget that. Then I heard him cry. I felt like crying too...

Then I heard my Anes told me... "Gwapo oh!" :) That put a big smile on my face and made me forgot my breathing problem.

They put my son in that plastic transparent box where they were trying to dry him and got all the water out from his mouth, nose, and ears. I was watching him the whole time. He was so wonderful. The best and the most beautiful in my eyes. I saw that he's got really long legs and fingers too. Yey. I hope he grows up tall... Basketball Player? That would be nice. or a Doctor? Whatever he likes! :)

I really thank God for a successful delivery of my Son. All the wait was worth it. When he was all cleaned up, They brought him to me put him in my chest and let me kiss him on his cheek. Sweet!!!

And my Anes told me this time " Sabi sayo gwapo eh". I'd like to tell him "I know right?" Hahahaha I'm soo happy and Blessed. This made me smile much sweeter. How I love my Yuan.

Most of the time I think about what my friends think about my pregnancy, as I'm pretty sure they didn't really expect this of me. I couldn't care less no matter what they think to be honest, But sometime I feel the need to explain myself because I don't want them to think that my child was an accident. NO. Ive wanted this. And I think the story about Yuan's Dad should be on another post as this one is quite long already...

Yuan is 1.5 yrs old. Smart. Strong. Very Good looking (he takes after me I guess which is good! ) Very receptive. Makulet to the nth power :), Very healthy, Great Body, Quite Lean, Oh how I adore you... Most of the time I still question myself if Im being a good mom. I'm really trying my best anak... Please be patient with Mama, if sometimes she's being masungit and strict :)

Funny but Ive always been scared of the fact that I might not be able to bear a child. But here it is.. proven. FACT. All I can say now, despite all the hardships--- THANK YOU LORD. THANK YOU FOR MY SON YUAN ♥

For Your Information

2011-10-23T17:56:00.001-07:00

I don't know if I'm naive or just plain STup*d. Hmmn. Im just so late with everything (even at work. lol)

There are just somethings which I discovered the past few days.

1. The major 1 is that I can post entries on my blog by email. How cool is that? Very cool ayt? (I will make a separate post about that)
2. I can send text messages from my Gmail account. That's 50 free text messages. Which comes in handy for emergency cases. Like when you're at work, and you ran out of load and there is no one na pwede ka loadan. Super great! Compare to r360 which will give you free 5 SMS everymonth, gmail gives you 50 free SMS and when someone replied from your SMS you get 5 credits back. Goodtimes!
3. When you are at your office and you have no access to facebook or twitter but you can access Yahoomail then all you have to do is allow yahoo to connect to your facebook and twitter so that you still get updated with the latest statuses and tweets. There are still some restrictions but it is still better than not getting anything at all. It's on the "UPDATE" tab right next to contacts, its pretty easy so I'm sure you'll find your way there.

I hope I was able to help you guys with these because It's been a great help to me. I didn't know that these things are even possible in the first place but they are and I'm enjoying it! yey!

Papable Ashton

2011-10-23T16:44:00.000-07:00

I didn't know that Demi and Ashton are married?!?!

And now, their marriage is falling apart. That's quite Sad. :(

Ang hirap talaga maging sikat. You get famous and yet you get all that crappy relationship. Hays

Google is Calculator

2011-10-19T00:20:00.000-07:00

I was laughing by myself right now because I didn't know that you can use Google as a calculator. And I mean like a normal calculator would do.

Go ahead and, let's say type in 2*6

2 * 6 = 12
and there it will give you the answer to that and not some searches that it usually does. Great. Goodtimes! Teehe. Just so you'd know incase you don't like I do. :)

Be brave little boy from China

2011-10-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

I'm on my break now and I just passed by this news on yahoo . I just read it because I heard about it on TV the other night. Watching video is prohibited here but since no one is looking, i though I should watch it.
How I wish I DIDN'T. I couldn't even finish the video. I'm a mother. And parang dinudurog ang puso ko sa nakita ko. I could kill the driver. My hands are cold right now, I couldn't get the image off my mind. That's why I pray to God to keep my Son safe and healthy. Always.

I pray to God that the child involve in this tragedy will miraculously survive. He's just a little boy... Look what recklessness can do. He's just an innocent little boy... Please be brave little one. We're all praying for your fast recovery.

I'm Back

2011-10-17T17:53:00.000-07:00

I've been procrastinating here for a long time I know. But I'm quite inspired to revive my blog now. Most especially now that I'm aiming to work out my adsense. I reallized that blogging can be really rewarding. Now I know for a fact that a lot of people earn a living from blogging. But I'm talking about people like me who is not so much into techie stuff. I just happened to be using blogger so I easily figured it out.

And just to update you (not that you care about what is happening in my life) of what has happened to me in the past two years. I went out and went in, in a relationship. Got pregnant (yes and he was not unplanned at all) and now my son is 1yr and 3mos old.

Isn't he the cutest?

His Papa and I aren't married yet. He sometimes bring up topics about getting married but I'm actually not ready for it yet. I'm just so scared to be tied to a person that way. I'm used to getting what I want and being married to someone somehow makes me unable to breathe freely. I just don't like the idea that someone would have a power over me that way. Or maybe I'm just not ready for that kind of commitment with the father of my son. This is just not the right time. maybe someday when we are both more mature cos right now, to be honest we're just a bit messed up sometimes. We just can't seem to outgrow our selfish attitude. Most of the time we're OK but still not ready for it. Having a child under your care is totally different from getting yourself get hitched.

And now, me and my officemate Mai are venturing into reselling tops, dresses, shoes, bags and other stuff we find cute and useful. Aw! :) We just thought that we might as well take advantage of the Holiday season to make extra bucks.

So there, Life is hard but getting by. That cute little guy is my sole inspiration to better our way of living. I just couldn't express how i love him so much. He is my source of joy and my reason for living now.

Life is hard but I'm gonna brave everything in order to give my son everything that he needs.

Earn from home by using a FACEBOOK APPLICATION

2011-04-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

Guys this is our chance to use facebook and convert those hours online we've spent into $$$$.

Just imagine how many hours we've spent online using facebook. Did facebook ever pay us by using them? How long did we stay online playing farmville? Cafeworld? Unimaginable. Now is the the time to convert those hours by using a new application called Cloudcrowd.

There are a wide variety of works available for workers to do including translation, online researching, singing, data entry, and writing and editing.

Just click here and login with your facebook login and password. and your Done.

Next step is to see what are the available work that day you can work on

Select the "Available Work" tab and look for available work under "Projects."

Payment is through Paypal. And the good thing is they pay on the next business day that your work is approved!

LanguageTranslators-Work from Home

2011-04-29T21:32:00.000-07:00

Do you know two languages or more? English and French? Enhlish and Spanish? Arabic? Nihonggo? German? Do you have Facebook account? How about Paypal? Easy.

Click this link for you to be able to get some translations assignments. You need to login using your facebook account. Why? Because Facebook owns it. Its only like logging into your farmville or cafeworld. :)

Translator Here!

Join us and earn from the comfort of your own home!

Wanted: Editors and Proof Readers- Work From Home

2011-04-29T19:18:00.000-07:00

Do your wanna be able to have a sideline?

To earn while you;re surfing the net?

Are you good in Proof Reading articles and Documents? Do you have a facebook account?

Go to this link SEVIOEDIT and sign in with your facebook username and password so that you'll be able to receive editing services.

This is an application owns by Facebook.

2011-04-28T00:59:00.000-07:00

I didn't make this to compare these two amazingly talented beautiful ladies, but just to display their talent.

They are both beautiful and great and I love them both. I've loved Sarah first so for me no matter how great Angeline is... Sarah still tops my heart. I know for a fact that Angeline is Good. The best. But there is just something in Sarah I cannot put my finger on.

Sarah Geronimo Grandfinals

Dahil Minahal mo ako

Sarah Dancing LOW in ASAP

Angeline Quinto- Patuloy ang Pangarap- Star PowerGrand Finals

Charice Pempengco at her Best

2011-04-28T00:53:00.000-07:00

Charice imitates Rihanna, Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, & Justin Bieber

CHARICE AUDITION -Simply amazing-Pure talent!

credits to youtube.com

Pre-paid Loading Business- a great Income Earner!

2011-04-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

Do you want to be able to sell Eloads using your existing sim? Hindi nyo napo kailangang bumili pa ng dealer sim. LIbre po ang pag register. WALANG bayad. Wala rin po kayong kailangang bilhin na kahit na anong produkto.

I can just have it activated at ready nyo nang magamit pang load sa iba o kahit personal use lang.

NO EXPIRY ang load. at meron pang lifetime discounts once naactivated ang sim nyo. Once activated makakapagload napo kayo sa lahat ng network.

Kung hindi nyo po plan na mag load sa ibang tao, pwede rin naman na for personal use lang. Example yung sa amen ng asawa at mga anak ko.. on the average nasa 100pesos ang gastos namin sa load everyday... pero nun naggparegister ako ng sim ko ako na yung nagta transfer (no expiry yung load ko) sa kanila ng load. so from 100 nagiging 89 na lang yung kunsumo namin araw araw so in a month morethan 300pesos ang nasesave ko. ang maganda nito since simcard ko ang nakaregister nakaka benta rin ako ng load sa office namin. ok rin kasi pandagdag budget rin sa load yung kinikita ko from my officemates.

Kung interested po kayo email nyo lang po yung CP number na gusto nyong iparegister, Full name at location -- kailangang lang po ng info na mga ito kasi ireregister ko po kayo sa Loadcentral. Once activated na po ang sim pwede napo kayo mag load sa lahat ng network. so kahit SUn yung sim ko. Yung asawa ko sun din. yung anak ko may sun at smart. na ta transferan ko pa rin po sila ng load.. pwede rin po yung mga levelup cards... madyo mabenta rin po kasi yung mga pinsan kong lalaki at kapit bahay namin mahilig maglaro ng ragnarok... nakaka pagload din po nun. Email nyo lang po ako libre naman po ang pagregister. no money involved po. Hight tech din kasi me website kayong nakalaan na pwede nyong magamit para makapagload kayo gamit ang internet o ang computer nto! Pwede nyo magamit ito sa computer business nyo!

PRODUCTS:

Here is how your webtool/website will look like:

Email me at mommynigabby@r360.com

You can sign up here to get a free retailer account:

UNILOAD vs VMOBILE

2011-04-27T23:37:00.000-07:00

Nuff said. :

Be a uniload dealer!

2011-04-27T23:30:00.000-07:00

To all the Filipinos here and abroad .

Kindly join me in my recent endeavor.

Gusto nyo bang maging dealer ng load pero maliit ang iyong puhunan? karaniwan mong kailangan ay daang libo para makapag pasimula ng ganitong business. At ang mahirap pa kung limitado lang ang budget mo di mo kontrolado ang dami ng tindahan na magpapaload sayo araw araw diba?

Dito sa sinasabi ko, pwede kang magsimula muna sa maliit. Kaya habang unti unti kang kumikita pwede mo ring dagdagan ang dami ng tindahan na pwede mong loadan hanggang sa mapaikot mo na talaga ang iyong puhunan. Maganda yun diba? maari kang magron ng komisyon na 1-5 percent. SO ipagpalagay na lang natin na 3%.

Ganito yun... halimbawa nasa 3 tindahan pa lang ang kumukuha sayo ng load na pangbenta nila

sabihin na natin na kailangan nila ng 500 na load araw-araw (30 days in 1 month):

Php500x.03 commission= Php15 /day

Php15x 3 (tindahan na niloloadan ko)= Php45/day

Php45X 30Days= 1350/month

Not Bad diba? eh nasa bahay ka lang naman nyan... at 3 tindahan pa lang yan!

Eh paano kung???? 10 tindahan ang niloloadan mo? o 20 kaya??

Pwede ka rin kumita dito sa pag rerefer. 500 for every referal.

email me at piamendoza@r360.com

Get PAID by answering Surveys right from your INBOX!

2011-04-27T23:23:00.000-07:00

You will get

Rewards

• What will I get as a YourSay member?
You'll get paid for your opinions with cash, gifts and/or points.
• How much will I be paid for participating in surveys?
It varies between projects. Most of the time, you will be paid cash and/or Morpoints. For cash payments, it may range between $1 to as high as $100 or more, depending on the desired profile required for the project.
• How do I know what is the reward I will get for participating in a particular survey?
This will be indicated in the survey email invitation that we send out. It varies between projects.
• How long does it take for the rewards to be credited into my Morvo Cash account, after a survey?
If you have completed the survey successfully, we'll have a record of your member number. We will deposit the incentive into your Cash Account in Member Area ,once the project is officially closed by the client, which may last 1-2 months or 4-6 months for large regional research.
• How do I cash out my rewards?
Once you reach the minimum amount for Encashment, you could open a ticket to us and request to withdraw your amount in Cash Account. We would pay the incentive via Paypal or through Internet Transfer (For Singapore members), based on the banking details in your Member Area.

Please sign up here

...I will remember you. Will you remember me?

2008-11-06T21:05:00.000-08:00

I would always wonder if you have ever remember it was my birthday last 4th of November?

If you did, did you even greet me even if I could not hear it?

Do you still remember me? Think of me? or what you told me before you left?

Do you still love me?

or remember what you used to feel about me?

I was in a mess.

I didn't know I will ever be able to fix. I was so hoping you would call then, because I knew you are the only person in this world who can help me clear things out.

But there were no signs from you. It's OK. I understand. I know the situation. I just hope that I won't find myself in that situation again... But if faith played with me again, and if i happen to be in that difficult situation again...

I hope to feel your hands when I try to reach out for help,

or i'll never know if I will again find the right answer, or will I ever find the right way back to you.

Because it was so damn hard to be alone in that battle of confusion.

SCRAPBOOK

2008-10-31T08:39:00.000-07:00

It feels like years already since my bad habit left... feels like a lot of things have happened already. Oh well a lot of things really have happened already. Una, nakilala ko si Boyet. Siya pala yung owner na hiniraman ni Jay ng phone nun nag text siya saken pagkarating na pagkarating niya sa Singapore.Sabi ni Boyet pagdating daw kasi ni Jayson, napansin niya palakad lakad..pabalik balik.. tinanong daw niya kung ano problema... Sabi daw ni Jayson, di pa daw niya nasasabi sa girlfriend niya na maayos silang nakadating...Hehe. natuwa ako nung umagang mareceived ko ang message niya.. Ala-una ng madaling araw niya ako tnext, pero siyempre tulog nako, kinaumagahan ko na nabasa.. sobrang natuwa ako kasi hindi ugali ni jayson ang makitext... mapriode kasi yun eh. Tapos That day nag text saken si Lindsey (ate ni jay) kinukumusta ako.. hehe.. ako nga daw ang iniisip nila... akala ko nag text din si Jay sa kanila yun pala ako lang yun tinext niya.. kaya ako na lang yung nag balita sa kanila.. Hehe.. Na tuwa naman ako na ako yung pinili niya na itext..

Boyet kept texting me eh. It was OK at first pero di rin kasi ako ganun kahilig mag text.. depende sa katext ko.. hehe. So I gave him my friend's number. Buti na lang mabait si friend ko at pinag bigyan niya ako na replyan si Boyet. Mejo kasi Broken hearted ang lolo mo... He was gone for 6 straight years... at yung GF niya e nalaman niya na nag-asawa na pag-balik niya. Sabi ko sa kanya baka naman nagkulang din siya.. Sabi niya everytime na dadaong sila tumatawag naman daw siya at laging nag papaliwanag kung bakit natagalan siyang tumawag ( we are talking about months here or half a year), pero ang kinakasakit ng loob niya e bakit hindisiya nahintay...

I told him na "hindi mo siya masisisi kung mag-mahal siya ng iba sa tagal mong nawala.. minsan kasi me makikilala talaga tayong tao na mamahalin natin e.. siguro ang tanging pag kakamali lang niya e hindi siya naging honest sayo.. kasi dapat out of respect sana ipinaalam muna niya sa'yo na may mahal na siyang iba bago siya nakipag relasyon."

Siyempre naisip ko rin ako at si Jay... are we going to end up just like that? or will we able to surpass all these? dati ang lagi kong tanong "Makaya kaya ni Jay?" Makaya kaya niya na iretain yung love?. There was never an instance that I asked myself that question. It was only Rose (an officemate) who said that I should also ask myself that question kasi sa aming dalawa daw ni Jayson most likely baka ako yung makahanap ng iba... kasi ako sobrang lawak ng mundo ko, where as yung kanila is confined with in the ship lang at pwede lang sila lumabas at makakilala ng iba pag mag do-dock na most likely di na ulit nila makikita pag alis nila... during that time there was no doubt in my mind that I cannot make it.

But now after being away for only roughly 2 mos with no communication at all... Im having second thoughts already. Hey don't get me wrong. Nothing's changed. I love him still. But I don't want commitment anymore...natakot ako na baka intayin ko siya tapos at the end malalaman ko that he fell out of love na pala... so naisip ko siguro mabuti na yung bigyang laya ko siya sa lahat ng gusto niyang gawin, at kung pagbalik niya e mahal pa niya ako, eh di puntahan niya ako at tingnan namin kung pwede kami magsimula ulit...

Boyet left exactly a month after niya umuwi. I met up with him at nagpadala ako ng letter/scrapbook namin ni Jayson. It was very personal. YUng unang letter ko, ginawa ko yun without the intention na ipadala sa kanya... my officemataes were even threatening me na itago ko daw yun dahil nanakawin nila yun at ipapadala kay Jayson, hindi lang nila alam If only there was a way for me na ipadala ko yun, ipapadala ko nga.. buti na lang nabanggit ko kay boyet at pumayag siya na bitbitin papuntang singapore yung scrapbook. compilation yun ng mag pictures at letters na naipon ko sa araw-araw na ginawa ng diyos na lagi ko siyang namimiss... nag-include din ako ng basic meds at hehe maliit na nailcutter. :)

Then when Boyet got to Singapore iniwan niya yung scrapbook sa agency nila at ang agency daw ang magpapadala sa ibang bansa.. medyo magulo e. Nun andito pa si Boyet sabi niya posibleng magkasalubong yung barko nila ni jay so pwede niya maiabot. Pero his decision changed pag dating ng Singapore.. kasi yun ata ang advice nung mga tao sa agency... then probably a week later I decided to make an overseas call sa Singapore para lang maliwanagan ako kung ano ba talaga, and guess what parang lalong lumabo nung tumawag ako kasi sabi nung kausap ko, dun lang daw sa agency yung padala ko hanggang makabalik sina Jay sa Singapore.Teka! sino ba sa kanila ang nagsasabi ng totoo? For two weeks I was trying to get hold of someone who can give me straight answer, during that time Boyet was already in Capetown South Africa, 2 days after Singapore they flew there. Andun pala yung barkong sasakyan nila... I called Boyet. Asked him the name of the person whom he handed the letter to. LIna. Lina is a tagalog speaking Singaporean. Called her up too many times I can't even recall how many. Basta ang alam ko lang pinag papasa pasahan nila ako. Pag tumawag ka kay Lina, she'll tell you she doesn't know anything about the letter and that I should check it at the office. Second to the last time we spoke she said that I call the office saturday at 2pm. Oh my finally... finally i got something out of her with sense! I called Saturday. Had to speak with few different Singaporeans who can't speak good english and who can't understand my English unless I speak like them. Great. Naranasan ko ang i-transfer ng i-transfer ng walang babala. Next thing you hear music on hold---that song from F4. I think during that time I got transferred to 4 different people. The last one spoke better english than the rest. But hey, she got no manners. She said she doesn;t know anything about the letter and that she'll have to speak with Lina first. I said "ok, but can I have your name so that I'll ask for you when I call back?". And again she told me that she'll have to speak with lina First. And again I asked for her name. Which again she didn't answer. One thing I couldn't understand was why she will have to speak with Lina first when all I want to know is if they have the letter or not. All I want is peace of mind that it is not lost. It was too personal and it belongs to no one else but Jayson.

I thought she just didn't undestand what I was saying so I repeated myself, before I was even able to finish, she was gone. She hung up on me only because probably she doesn't want to give me her name. Craziness. Iba talaga ang kultura nila. Ewan ko. after a couple of hours I decided calling Lina. I thought to myself na kung sa kanya inabot ni Boyet yun malamang siya lang yung makakasagot ng maayos saken. Called her up arounf 7pm Manila time which is the same time lang naman sa Singapore. She answered the phone. and again for the nth time I had to introduce myself and tell her the purpose of my call. Before I was able to finish my statement, she interrupted me and shouted "wala akong alam dyan sa sulat na yan. Marami akong ginagawa." and then GONE.

It is not fair to generalize this Idea but after speaking several times to quite a few of them, and they were all displaying the same attitude, would it be safe enough to say that it is their culture?

After 2 weeks of having to run around in circles by these crazy people is too much for me to handle. I cried. Nakakahiya man aminin pero napaiyak talaga ako sa sobrang frustration. After wasting so much money, texting, making phone calls.. pagkatapos kang paikot ikutin, hindi ka rin pala tutulungan at the end... Damn. Right after ko mapaiyak gusto ko ulit tawagan si Lina at murahin mula ulo hanggang paa. Putang Ina talaga! Right at that moment, I was wishing her Ill. Yun ang totoo. Im not trying to sugarcoat anything here or play like the most mabait person in the universe. I am mabait. Pero naman, tao lang ako... pagbigyan nyo nako.. that time feeling ko yuin lang yung makakagaan ng pakiramdam ko, pero pinigilan ko ang sarili ko kasi baka malagay sa alanganin sina jayson at mga tito niya...

After that nagpray na lang ako. Sabi ko "Lord kayo na bahala dun ah.." I gave up. I was so broke that time kasi all my saving went to the trip eh, and most of my allowance I've spent buying call cards.. sino naman ang hindi mapapaiyak nun? Pero yun nga finally, I gave it up. Naisip ko kasi, Lahat naman 'to nangyayari for a reason, and kung hindi man yung makuha ni jayson siguro may ibang plano si lord para dun.. At kung makuha man ni Jayson pero after matagal na panahon... there must be a reason behind that.. So i'm leaving everything to the Lord's hands. It's out of mycontrol na talaga e.And besides ginawa ko naman lahat to secure it e. Ewan ko ba that time din kasi halo-halong problema yung dumating saken e. It was that time din na nag sink-in saken yung sinasabi ng mga tao na "ah yang mga sea man maraming chicks yan".. blah blah blah.. at first I wasn't affected e. On the back of my head, "chics lang pala eh. Fleeting lang yun. Ako naman yung mahal eh".. Really. Ganun ako mag-isip. Ok lang kung me iba,basta wag niyang mamahalin.. ;)
kasi bata pa lang ako aware nako sa ganun eh. bata pa lang ako naririnig ko na yung ganun. Pero iba pala pag ikaw yung ivolved dun sa story... No matter how tough your resolve is pag walang communication... unti unti... matutunaw... mag kakaron ng doubt.. suddenly you're not sure anymore if both of you can make it...

Lahat ng worries ko naipon at lahat yun naramdaman ko nung time na yun. Naisip ko, wala kaming ganun katatag na
foundation ni Jay para malagpasan namin yung 3yrs na magkahiwalay.. Everything naiisip ko. Kaya yung scrapbook ko sobrang importante saken kasi feeling ko na basta mabasa niya yun, and if ever dumating kami sa time na parang di na namin kaya, naisip ko that the letter will be able to help us not to let go.. at kung hindi niya makukuha yun, paano na kami?

Pero ganun siguro talaga.. Si ate jovy na friend ni Boyet was willing to help me. She lives in Singapore. Pero bago ako humingi ng tulong sa kanya, yung friend ko muna na si "C" ang hiningan ko ng tulong. She said na i-email ko daw sa kanya ang detailed instructions na kailangan niya gawin. I did. I sent her emails. I messaged her through friendster. not just once but many times. I got no reply after 2-3 days I think. Then naisip ko, susubukan ko muna, maybe there are other ways.. So i emailed her told her to put everything on hold muna. Then the rest is history... pero minsan naisip ko kung willing talaga siyang tulungan ako, bakit kahit isa sa emails and messages ko hindi niya sinagot? Considering na araw-araw siya nag lo-login sa friendster means nababasa niya... kaya ko lang naman naisip na siya ang unang hingan ng tulong kasi akala ko maasahan ko siya eh... naisip ko babae rin siya, most likely maiintindihan niya ako kesa sa mga guys na kaibigan ko ako mag ask ng help.Kaya ko rin naisip na baka matulungan niya ako is because unlimited naman yung plan nun cell niya... so hindi naman siya magagastusan ng extra if ever. i was planning nga na mag send sa kanya ng money through western union kung magawan niya ng paran talaga.. pero until this very day wala man lang akong nareceived na message galing sa kanya. Kahit acknowledgement lang, wala. Oh well, now I know.Buti pa si ate jovy na hindi ko personal na kilala. ni hindi ko pa nakikita, willing mag extend ng tulong. I know maliit ang income ng tao na'to sa singapore. Wala sa one fourth ng kinikita ng friend ko na si "C", pero siya pa yung eager mag-offer ng tulong. Akala ko pa naman naging mas maganda yung friendship namin lalo na nun nagkitakita kami nun pumunta kami Singapore dati, yun pala kasi siguro wala lang... yun. hay in times or trouble malalaman mo talaga kung sino yung pwede mo maasahan eh ano?!?! sobrang liit na pabor... okay lang naman kasi me ibang tao naman na willing tumulong pero kasi pakiramdam ko napeke ako, Yun yun eh. yung pakiramdam na, mali pala ako ng pagkakakilala sa kanya. Akala ko kasi... sa takbo kasi ng kwento niya dati parang akala ko siya yung tipo ng tao na tutulong basta kaya, yun pala hindi. yun pala OK habang mag kaharap lang kayo.. Ang pangit. napaplastikan ako.

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2008-09-11T22:22:00.000-07:00

i miss you..

undefinable...

2008-09-11T09:10:00.000-07:00

sept8.2008
9.30pm

maybe they're about 42,000 feet above the ground now like what the pilot would always announce in the middle of the flight.. Oh gosh i miss him already...

those of you who might be reading my post might get confused as to what really our relationship is like, it's really magulo. but from the last talk that we had, oh well it wasn't really a "serious" talk about us but we still talked anyway.. i gathered that maybe i just misinterpreted his actions. maybe he was just different from most people. maybe... maybe... and again there is HOPE.

We talked on the phone before he left... We never got the chance na magkita kanina kaya nagusap na lang kami sa phone.. I went to manila because I had to give him something, he said "me pinapapirmahan lang sa amin. Intayin mo ako pls." I was there 1.30. His was told his flight was 3pm. I waited. 2pm. Waited Still. 2.30. Waited still. I knew he wasn't coming but I waited still... 2.45 when I decided to leave. I can still remember how the jollibee guy looked at me. I don't know what he was thinking. But i noticed he was always smiling at me. Maybe he saw me making too many attempts to call on my phone but would end up slamming my clam phone together. Maybe he knew no one was answering on the other end.And again for too many times, he was looking and smiling at me. Somehow I felt relieved. I didn't know him. But his gesture calmed me. It was like as if he was telling me "don't worry he is coming".

at 2.45 pm I went to the nearby goldilocks to buy "sago't gulaman" ... then i noticed there is a missed call on my phone. THere it said "BAD HABIT". My jayson... I called him back...Immediately after he answered the phone he said sorry and parang mauubusan ng oras he said "mahal na mahal kita" ng paulit ulit.

We talked pretty long. If only we can stay on the phone forever. If only he won't have to leave... But then, I knew he needs that. For himself. For his family.And hopefully for us. :)

I cried on the phone. Sheesh. Can't help it kasi I thougt he'll leave without talking to me. And my heart sunk when he told me "sorry kung ninakawan kita ng halik nun huwebes a. Gustong gusto nga kita yakapin e". Then I asked him "bakit di mo ginawa?" Then he said "sabi mo kasi "hindi na tayo..." Sana pala ginawa niya..KAsi gustong gusto ko rin siya i-hug ngayon..

Then he also said na mag-ingat ako lagi. He said "thank you" too many times. He said he won't forget me. He said na sana itext ko parin at tawagan paminsan minsan parents at mga kapatid niya sa baguio..para kahit pano di mawalan communication namin.. THEn sabi niya ibinilin din daw niya na lagi din daw nila ako itext kasi siya baka mahirapan siya minsan i-contact ako kasi minsan buwan ang binibilang ng hindi nag da-dock yung barko... He said babalik siya...

Then I spoke with his Uncle Cayetano. Tito Cayetano said they'll be gone for 3 yrs. he asked me If I can wait for Jayson... I said "YES".

I said YES. Kahit officially hindi naman kami that time... Pero parang again hindi naman kami nagbreak kasi paulit ulit niyang sinabi kanina "mahal na mahal kita"...***sigh***

mahal ko rin siya...

His uncle's question seems to have paved the way for Me and Jayson to get back together..

Yes kami na ulit.

Right after I spoke with his uncle I told Jayson that I'm willing to give it another shot. I wanna give it another shot Because I love him. I asked Jayson what he would have to say about it. He said he never even considered breaking up with me in the first place. Hindi pa siya give up. Kaya daw pag nakikipag break ako, hindi siya nag re-react... I'm glad.

That is so him. You break-up with him, then the next time you talk it will be as if kayo pa rin...siya, na nag sasabi sayo ng plans niya three years later... Siya, na manghihingi ng kiss sa phone. Siya, na mag A-ilove you... Hay. I miss him already.

Hanggang sa makasakay ako ng bus magkausap kami. He was even planning for the future... Na mag iipon kami pareho... At pagbalik niya, bibili siya ng Kotse at pupuntahan niya ako at pupunta kami sa kanila sa Baguio.

Sabi ko sa kanya baka magpunta ulit ako ng singapore... next year. At baka dun ako mag work... He even told me na dun na kami magpakasal... this is not the first time he told me that.. una nag kwento nito sa akin MAMA niya.
Tinanong daw kasi nun pinsan nila na si CHAYA si Jayson kung ano pangarap niya.. Then sumagot daw si Jayson, seryoso yung pagkakasagot. Ang Sabi daw ni Jayson pangarap niya na magkalupa at sasakyan tapos mag-aasawa na siya. Then nagtanong Daw si CHAYA kung kanino naman siya magpapakasal the sabi daw ni Jayson "Kanino pa, e di kay Pia".

Kausap ko ang mama ni Jayson sa Phone nun kinukwento niya yun. It seems that she was happy naman with Jayson's answer. She even said na nun kinuwento daw sa kanya yun ni Chaya ang nasabi daw niya e "ay naku talaga ba? ay naku sige ipag pray natin na sana magtuloy tuloy na..."

Before I left for Singapore dati, bago kami magboard kausap ko rin si Jayson sa phone na mejo pahapyaw niyang sinabi sa akin na pagbalik niya after three years...

Dati magkausap kami nabanggit din niya na magpakasal kami...May mga iba pang instances before na binabanggit niya. Minsan dinadaan sa biro...

At kanina inulit na naman niya sabihin sa akin. Sabi ko OO. :)

He has plans. Im happy na kasama ako...:) And i don't care whether he meant it that time or not. Ang importante sa akin ng mga panahon na yun, masarap at masaya ang pakiramdam ko... tsaka ko na lnag iisipin yung bukas...

It's too early to talk about marriage.Maraming pwedeng mangyari... I know. But at this point, you can only dream about it. And hope that it materializes....

I know it's too early to plan for the future. But that's what people in love do. Diba? It's not as if im raising my hopes too high. Im just happy with how our conversation went kanina.. Still we don't know what's in store in the future.. maaaring nasabi lang niya yun kanina because kanina ramdam na ramdam niya na mahal niya ako at maaaring pag matagal niya ako di nakita magfade na lang yung love na yun... pero diba, there is always a possibility na mahal talaga niya ako at mapanatili niya yung kung ano man feelings meron siya para sa akin? That's why Im giving it a shot. For the last time.

Somehow deep inside i feel that we have created a very special connection to each other. Even if until now di ko pa rin alam plan ni lord para sa amin. Pero dati naisip ko na, na, ito yung binigay na chance ni lord sa amin ni Jayson. It's up to us how we're going to work our way around it. kung papabayan namin, then it's our fault. Kung nagpabaya kami, then maybe we're not meant for each other kasi sinayang namin yung chance na binigay sa amin.. that's why hanggang ngayon...im fighting for it. Kasi ayokong dumating yung time na magsisi ako kasi di ko binigay lahat.

Im sad kasi kahit naman siguro sino na naiwan nakakaramdam ng lungkot e. Ako pa kaya na ganto ang posisyon sa buhay niya... Pero masaya rin ako for him kasi alam ko, this job will be an instrument for his dreams to be realized.

NAtatandaan ko the first time na makausap ko si MAMA ni Jayson. Kasi tatawag daw sila sa akin kasi gusto ako makausap.. this is one thing that I like about our realtionship kasi kahit di pa kami nagkikita ng pamilya niya, they seem to really like me. And yes I really like them too. :)

Naaalala ko my conversation with his MAMA. Kasi sabi sa akin ng mama niya, si Jayson daw talaga yung "sakit" nila sa ulo. Oh well, that I can see. Si jayson kasi yung typical na lalaki na carefree. Very free spirited. Oh well atleast that's how I see him e. Then sabi niya sa akin na sana ako na lang daw sana yung mag pasensiya kay Jayson. Na sana pagkatiwalaan ko na lang daw siya (jayson), at maniwala ako sa sinasabi niya... SAbi ko OPO. Then I also told her na "BILIB" ako kay Jayson.

Kanina before we said goodbye I don't know buthe asked me what did i like about him... I said "wala". I was a bit embarrased to answer him s so instead I just said "di ko nga alam e. E ikaw, anu nagustuhan mo sa akin?" The he said O sige ako na lang, ako na lang..." "Gusto ko sayo...chubby (sabay tawa), maganda, mabait..."

I knew the answer to his question. Pero kanina di ko masabi, siguro kasi parang ang onti ng oras namin, tapos pareho pa namin alam na malapit ng ma-empty yung battery ng phone niya.. infact kanina nung naputol yung call, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya para sabihin sa akin kung bakit nadisconnect... First time. Kahit sa kapatid niya parang labag ang loob niya na makitext. It somehow goes to show na siya siguro yung tipo na ayaw ng nakakaabala sa kapwa niya hanggat maari... pero kanina, nakitext siya dun sa katabi niya sa upuan... Sobrang naapreciate ko yun...

Going back to his question... Ofcourse alam na alam ko yung sagot ko dun...

For some reason I feel that "I can see through him".

Despite his being pasaway, I can see the gentleness. I can see the goodness. I can see someone who is passionate. Someone who is driven. Someone who is sweet. Someone who is a dreamer. Someone who is full of potential. Someone who is loving. Someone who is funny. Someone who is a child. Someone who can make something of himself someday...

For some reason naniniwala talaga ako sa kakayanan niya... Naniniwala ako na if given the chance kaya niyang gawin at tuparin lahat ng pangarap niya sa buhay...

I believe in HIM.

SAna someday makita ko pag naging successful na siya.. Kasi pag andun pako nun ibig sabihin kami pa rin. :)

Sana nga...

My Boo

2008-09-06T08:17:00.000-07:00

I really can't stay mad at him. Just the other day I went out to see him. We talked as if nothing happened. Well, parang ala naman talaga nangyari e. :) I learned on that day that he wasn't really giving up like what I thought.. Oo nga naman sinabi nga naman niya sa text "basta ako nandito lang lagi para sayo".. yun pala ibig sabihin nun. Funny but a day after we saw each other I feel weird again like I want to get back together with him. If I'll be honest with myself, that is the truth. Drat. Here I go again, the Hope thing. Damn.

He even told me that "3 years..."

He meant that after three years he want me and him...

Eto na naman siya.. acting as if I didn't break up with him... if only I can turn back on my words again.. kung pwede sana mag pretend din ako na hindi naki pagbreak... coz, damn i wanna give it another shot.

And ganda sana sa pakiramdam. Na merong taong gusto kang makasama kahit hindi pa niya alam kung ano ang mangyayari bukas.. Ang sarap pakingggan na merong taong inaanticipate ang "three years later" na kasama ka... Pero pero pero, BUT WHAT ABOUT THOSE DAYS INBETWEEN NOW AND THREE YEARS LATER? How can I see the future if we can't even fix our relationship now... Hindi naman pwedeng blangko yung relationship namin tapos to be continued na lang after three years.. know what i'm saying? Kung ngayon na andito lang kami pareho sa Pilipinas hindi constant yung commnunication namin, anu pa kaya pag umalis na siya... and I really can't carry on like that. I want somethin REAL. CONSISTENT. CONSTANT. COMMITMENT. Im not getting any younger and I can't put my life on hold to something that is not there... I don't mind waiting. I can wait. But I can only wait for someone who is in love with me...

Gusto kong malibang

2008-09-03T19:53:00.000-07:00

I got myself a new gadget. Hehe. I bought IPOD classic 80g kahapon. Bigla ko lang naisip nun mapadaan ako sa electroworld... hay. :)

Moving on...

2008-08-30T06:18:00.000-07:00

Why can't I really let go?

Why is it that everytime Im giving him up, Im hoping, on the back of my mind thinking, that he won't give up on me?

But then everything, may hangganan... no matter how much you're willing to love and understand a person, matatapos at matatapos din pala... sometimes ganun nga siguro. Pag ikaw na lang lagi ang umiintindi, nakakapagod din... but then still you'll think... hopefully... crap. There again, that word i'm starting to hate now. Hope. I keep hoping, that tomorrow it will be a brand new day for US. That we'll be able to meet half-way and settle our differences. But It was only me willing to compromise. How in the hell is that gonna work for us then? Now I can say we're hopeless...

But.. still I HOPE. Because I FEEL...

Why is it that I hope a lot when maybe this relationship has been doomed from the very beginning.

But then with just one phone call, everything changed.

With just one line... "inaantok nako..."

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind, but this is not the firsttime he told me that... I was so hurt that again he was being so unmindful of my feelings. We still had issues, and yet nagpapahiwatig na siya na gusto na niya tapusin ang paguusap namin just because inaantok na siya..? I've NEVER experience this before. Never. So uncaring. And UNINTERESTED>----Something hit me so hard. Enlightening. REalization. I finally had the courage to accept to myself that "WE" are REALLY hopeless. ANY person who will be in his situation, who will feel uninterested of our topic is so welcome to get out of my life. For all I care.

HE MADE ME GIVE UP. It's high time to really LET IT GO. Surprisingly, I didn't cry. I wonder why. Oh yeah I think I know why. Because I was quite prepared for it. I had a feeling this will happen... because what i was doing was just delaying the inevitable.

I have to admit. This time I was Angry. And there was no room for understanding in my heart during that time. I was Mad and that is all I know. Most of all I was Hurt. That line "Inaantok nako" says it all. It says "we're over".

Just two days ago I have considered giving him another chance... but then later that night instead of making up, I finally gave up...Finally. Ganun pala yun. May mga tao lang siguro talagang madaling mahalin na mahirap mahalin... Siya yun. Kasi hindi siya marunong magalaga sa love na binibigay mo sa kanya... Sayang.

...Can't find the right words...

2008-08-24T07:14:00.000-07:00

“I Only Want to be with You”
Vonda Shephard

I don't know what it is that makes me love you so
I only know I never want to let you go
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

It happens to be true
I only want to be with you

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do
I wanna spend each moment of the day with you
Look what has happened with just one kiss
I never knew that I could be in love like this

It's crazy but it's true
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance

Now listen honey, I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care
'Cause you started something, can't you see
That ever since we've met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me, asked me if I'd care to dance
I fell into your open arms and I didn't stand a chance
Now listen honey, I just want to be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together honey I don't care

'Cause you started something can't you see
That ever since we met you've had a hold on me

No matter what you do
I only want to be with you
No matter what you do
I only want to be with you

BACK TO YOU (John Mayer)

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I tried to forget you
I tried to stay away
But it's too late

Over you
I'm never over
over you
something about you
It's just the way you move
the way you move me

I'm so good at forgetting
and I quit every game I've played
but forgive me love
I can't turn and walk away

Back to you
it always comes around
back to you
I walk with your shadow
I'm sleeping in my bed
with your silhouette

Should have smiled in that picture
if it's the last that I'll see of you
it's the least that you could not do

Oh I will
leave the light on
I'll never give up on you
leave the light on
for me too

Back to me
I know that it comes
back to me
doesn't it scare you
your will is not as strong
as it used to be

Additional Lyrics:
...doesn't it scare you, doesn't it piss you off...

I'm weaker than you know

I'm swimming in a sea of faces
trying to find my way to you
but it's no use, in a crowded room
where everybody wants you

It's confirmed. I've gone crazy.

2008-08-23T23:47:00.000-07:00

I Feel So Unhappy ....