Of Love. And other equally ridiculous notions.

Of Popes and Presidents

2013-10-01T23:38:00.000-04:00

You are in love. You have found your soul mate. You couldn’t quite put your finger on it, couldn’t formulate the words to describe it, but you always knew that something inside you was missing, until now. Now that missing part of your inner being has been found and slotted securely into place and you are finally whole. Deeply, madly, passionately and forever. Cue the drum-roll, strike up the violins and then punch out the fireworks. Love is here!

There’s only one little problem. Well not so much of a problem, just a minor inconvenience really. Nothing that can’t be overlooked. Your soul mate, your inner being, the shoelace to your sneaker and the fries to your Whopper combo, your love, just so happens to be taken, in a relationship, engaged or even married, to someone else.

But this is ok. Nothing to worry about. Because as long as it’s love, true love, which clearly this is, then there’s nothing wrong about it. Right? Well I hate to break it to you but if that is your final answer, you are incorrect. Fail. Catastrophically.

You can spin it any way you like, call it love, souls connecting, the answer to your prayers even, but as long as when you found that person they were involved with someone else, then someone or someones (yes plural) are going to get hurt. And depending on the role you play in this unsanctioned trinity, the one you risk hurting the most, damaging beyond all repair, is you.

The whole glorification of the modern liaison is scandalous indeed. The highly acclaimed-should-be-multi-award-winning dramatic series Scandal, boasts the grandest illegitimate love affair of our time since Scarlett O’Hara and Ashley Wilkes in Gone with the Wind. Set against a political background, the not-to-be-missed weekly installation in our lives raises the still sensitive subject of inter-racial relationships (I’ll cover that juicy topic later) and has seemingly provided justification for the philanderers of the world to unite in solidarity and claim love sometimes makes good people do bad things, like cheat.

The affair has become disconcertingly commonplace in our society. The mention of an ‘outside’ relationship will hardly cause any one to bat a well mascaraed eyelash these days and to make headlines one needs to do more than merely take a romp or 12 around the town. (Although 13 and over for an American politician is professional suicide. Ask Anthony Weiner.) Yet while the practice is somewhat run of the mill, it remains heavily frowned upon and is by no means considered acceptable.

This topic has many far-reaching implications and I know many of you hold a baited breath to see whose side I’m going to take in the matter. Allow me to burst your bubble and issue the spoiler way too early, I’m not taking any side. Well, maybe I am… but your point of view on an affair will hinge on which end of this gone-wrong deal you stand on. (Or whose well-made bed you lay in.) So we’re going to break it down in stages and take it a bit at a time and you will form your own judgment and decide how the silk sheets will fall.

Let me warn you that I’ve used our beloved Scandal characters for this illustration which may be sensitive for some of you. Well Mellie is perhaps not best described as beloved, but I digress. Therefore before your pick up your pitchforks and head over to my neighborhood allow me to profess my undying love for the show and also for Olivia. And her wardrobe. (But of course).

The Internal Offender – The Fitzgerald Grant

There you were, minding your own business and seemingly content if not happy in your existing relationship when wax, palax, bruggadung brax, you looked around twice and somehow landed yourself in a hot freaking mess of an affair. (Stop grinning. I am not praising you for this accomplishment.)

Whether it was intentional or not, which most times it isn’t, you’ve got some decisions to make. Stay with the original party or cross the floor and join the party of the seconder. But pick a side. Or start an independent party. Remember that famous line about not being able to have your cake and eat it too? That applies here.

The External Offender – The Olivia Pope

I know no-one ever says ‘Oh poor Mellie’ (well it is Mellie after all and she’s a real expletive character), still no one is signing up to take a long walk in the designer heels of the first lady. Why? (And no it’s not because we don’t like her style of shoes.) It is because no one wants to be on the receiving end of that heartache. Forget diet pills, working out and Weight Watchers, if you want to drop 10 pounds in 3 days all one needs is to find out that you are ‘tekking a horn’*. (Translation for non-Barbadian community – discover your partner is *having an affair).

If you’re not willing to eat the meal then you shouldn’t be willing to dish it up. Because karma is real and karma knows where you live. But I’m not playing fair am I? Because Olivia is in love, we know this without a doubt, so therefore her situation is different. Right? I can feel your stunned horror and hear your aghast thoughts - ‘but this is Olivia, we love Olivia!, Olivia can do no wrong.’ But yeah, turns out she can.

Even if you are the great Olivia Pope, (whose services Weiner should probably retain) the affair is wrong however you spin it and if I may be so bold to point out, you are not Olivia Pope.

What’s more, that pre-used-washed-up-not-yours-boyfriend/fiancé/husband/partner you’ve been dragging around (behind the scenes) is not President Fitzgerald Grant. (Don’t you wish.) So when examining the scenario as it applies to your specific situation be sure to compare apples with apples. Dating a president? No? Then get over it.

Again, you will need to decide how you’d like to script your ending. I am sure you recall the episodes where Olivia was lonely, sipping red wine alone while elegantly clad in her signature white. And the episodes where she was frustrated with this isolation. Or the ones where she was hurt by having to watch the man she loves in his proudest moments with his wife by his side while looking on from a distance…and so on and so forth. Should you choose to stick it out, it is not a permanently happy path you trod. Well a relationship never is a permanently happy path so it is best not to add any further complications from inception. Also keep in mind that sometimes the offended have a craving for the demise of the offending party and said offended may be able to afford a friend like Huck to converse with you. (As if Huck converses.) Should you decide to call it quits, keep it classy and quiet. Make your exit as gracious and memorable as your entrance was.

The Offended – The Mellie Grant or The Mrs. Fitzgerald Grant

You hold all the cards. It may not seem like it at the time but how this all pans out hinges on how you choose to deal with it. Or not deal with it. (This is assuming you find out while the game is still in play.)

You can: endure in silence (but why?), confront (peacefully!) and attempt resolution, or tell the whole sorry lot where to get off and move on with your life. Bearing in mind always that if you took option two, the attempt to seek a resolution needs to embraced by Fitz too, because if he wants his Olivia, he will have his Olivia and all the Mellies of the world will have to, as we say, suck salt. Also note that the confrontation is linked to a the attempt at resolving the relationship, if you know that is not your intention then a confrontation is perhaps an unnecessary aggravation and little else. Go you way.

The Outcome

Many that are in this position really had no intention of being there, irregardless of the role you play. Usually no one sets out to identify a subject, plan a comprehensive strategy and implement an aggressive assault to start an affair. (Unless you are on Days of Our Lives.)

That said, you don’t have to encourage it from the outset, or once that ship has sailed you don’t have to prolong it at the end. While the affair may serve to fulfill something in your life that your other relationship does not, (well that’s the whole point isn’t it) the affair itself will create issues that have far-reaching implications regardless of outcome. If you can, I recommend avoiding the affair from the beginning, it is always best to continue Keeping Affairs to Yourself. If the relationship ends, there will be heartache, if it continues there will be trust issues and I’m barely skimming the surface. However you look at it, no one really wins. Not even if you are the President.

Good luck!

(And I wish you a happy Scandal.)

Love is a Lake - (5 Strokes of Survival)

2013-09-28T17:38:00.002-04:00

For someone who loves blogging and who loves reading other people’s blogs, I’ve been doing a sucky job of maintaining my own. (Permission to agree granted, just don’t go agreeing with me aloud). It’s not an excuse (honest). I know exactly why my blog became harder and harder to write. Actually, I didn’t stop writing, I just stopped posting my thoughts. But I digress.

This blog is about love, happy, silly, quirky, funny, sometimes a little cynical, and even a little sad at times, but at the root of the matter there is an undying faith that love will pull though, all will be well and in the end, smiles, grins, kisses and goofy laughter in place, we’d all live happily ever after.

But then my undying faith in love, well, it up and died and died in a most glorious fashion. (Cue violins.) As a result, I had little to blog about. (We can only do for the love of cute shoes and donuts so many times). So while I apologize to the faithful few who kept asking and hoping and cheering me on, who emailed with heart-aching lines to let me know you missed the blog and lost a ‘friend’, the true loss I assure you, was all mine. Blogs about love don’t work in the absence of the main subject. And my love is lost. (Or is hiding out in the witness protection program.)

Love is a beautiful thing. It is. I highly recommend it. It is a huge lake of liquid happiness unlike anything else we could ever hope to be so fortunate to experience. Given the chance to fall into it, go ahead. Plunge! Head first. Totally and completely surrender and wallow in it.

But while you’re in there, you’re going to need to do some work. And perhaps this is where many of us go wrong. The focus is often so much on getting into the Love Lake that once you’re in you have no clue what to do. There is no need for all of us to go down together, so let’s see if we can work this out. Because if you dive into the pretty lake, content to tell all you’re in love and then do nothing, you will surely drown. And love will toss your lifeless limbs on the loveless shore to rot.

When embarking on that whole love thing, on entering the warm and shimmery lake immediately start swimming. And to escape drowning at any point in time along the way, keep swimming. Here’s how.

1. Freestyle

When the waters are calm and everything is as it should be, enjoy that time and make the most of it. Immerse yourself in the love lake and each other but be sure to turn your head for air. Alternate how you turn your head to, sometimes look towards the other person at your side and take time to sometimes look away. Time together to build the relationship is just as important as time for yourself to build you. Too often we lose ourselves along the way and much later, in seeking to find that person we lost, we swim apart.

Set your boundaries and stay in lane, don’t let other swimmers cross your path or it will impede your flow. Keep each other in sight and safe, swim happily on together. This is the sweet part, why you got together in the first place. Remember these precious happy times and keep a mental list tucked away safe in your heart for the rainy days. If the tides shift, you can pull them out, dust them off, smile and swim on.

2. Backstroke

Keep communication flowing. The backstroke is a beautiful technique. You can breathe easily, look at the blue sky and feel the warm sunshine on your cheeks while gliding with easy strokes through the water. Nice as it is to swim sunny side up though, you can’t see what you are swimming into, so a companion to guide you with some verbal instruction is beneficial. Talk to each other.

Be honest, open and sharing. But all the while keep in mind it goes both ways, so be a good listener too. Don’t be judgmental or overly critical when giving your opinion and give your opinion. We may act like we have it all together sometimes but we don’t and feedback helps work things through and removes that lonely isolated feeling. Confide and be a good confidante. If the person you are with is not comfortable confiding in you, rest assured they will eventually find someone else to confide in.

Oh and ‘confidante’ should immediately convey the impression that intimate conversations between partners should remain confidential, but in case that escaped you then I’d like to point out that what is shared between two should stay between only two or you’ll be swimming in choppy waters.(Or in the witness protection program.)

3. Breaststroke

All days aren’t sunny ones and no one likes to gaze upon gray cumulonimbus while a torrential downpour slams you in the face. You will have your individual challenges and though sorting out your own is one thing, dealing with someone else's issues can be harder. Fortunately you can help each other through the rough stuff. That’s just what a partner is for. But it is easier to get to your destination if you have it in sight, so there are times to turn over and indulge awhile in a breaststroke. Look ahead. Keep swimming. Those happy memories you tucked away before will come in handy now to help you stay focused on the destination.

This swimming technique requires that you keep your chin up, so please do. Stay positive and try to have a happy outlook. Emotions are contagious so what you give out you should get back. Talking helps, start there. Backstroke a bit.

4. Lay Float

Sometimes though when it rains it really pours and you may need to take a time out and reevaluate. Seek counseling if you can’t work it out between yourselves. Your counselor should be a trained professional that isn’t a friend, relative or in-law of any kind. (Just saying.)How you take your time out is your choice, take some time out together or take some out apart. Bear in mind though that during that time you are not swimming in your love lake and just lay floating around, if you float for too long you are going to catch cramp, so it is advisable to get back to swimming quickly. If all you can muster is to tread water some days then go for it, but do something to get the relationship back on track.

5. Break for the Shoreline

Your relationship will take you through a variety of swimming styles and external conditions will mean you’ll swim in varying currents. When the waters are really rough, you will need to rescue each other. However, if the waters are more rough than calm, I am very much a believer in rescuing yourself. Know when you are too tired to swim any longer and just get out the water, head for shore.

I for one am standing on shore and I am quite content to be here, but I’ve got all my swim gear on, ready to run and hit off into the lake again should the opportunity arise. All I need now is the right swim partner to join me. (Sharks need not apply.) The shore is not such a bad place to be. There are plenty of us here and there’s a BBQ going.

But if your lake is calm and your strokes are steady, stay in and swim on. And whatever you do, keep swimming.

Over and Out (Signs of the Times)

2013-07-23T21:03:00.001-04:00

They left you.

Just up and packed, (or more confusingly, didn’t even bother to pack) and just up and left you. What the fuzzylumpkins.

Up. And gone.

And just like that your world comes crashing down.

You are hurt, disappointed, angry, confused, you feel betrayed, rejected, neglected. And confused. But the one thing you should not be, is surprised. And why not? Because if no one else did, even if they did not, you knew it was coming. You, knew.

Go ahead, shake your head, drop your jaw, be adamant, outraged even, use a variety of edited or unedited expletives to abuse my good nature and when you’re finished we’ll pick up where you jumped off, because like it or not, it’s true. You, knew.

Take a moment. Breathe. Pause. Ponder. Feel the cold chill of the frostbite of reality creep up from the small of your back, feather its cold touch across your shoulders and suddenly drop with an alarming audible thud into your gut. Swallow. Exhale. And then, slowly, slowly, accept. Yes. There it is. You knew.

Because there’s one unspoken truth that we all know and refuse to give voice to. The day that they left. The night. The moment. That was not the time that they left you. You got left a long time ago. That was just the day, the night, the moment, the deal was sealed. And now it’s official. You got left.

If only you had seen the signs you could have been prepared. You could have donned your armor and Jimmy Choos (but of course, one must look the part) and been ready to do battle. But my dearest, the signs were there, you just chose to ignore them.

If it starts wrong, it can only end wrong. Yes, I went all the way back to the beginning, sometimes that’s when the end got started. Where there things at the very start that kind of nagged at you? Things you were willing to ignore or maybe compromise on? Sure they were. And some of those things were okay. Some of those things were really not. Either severity you could probably have gotten through if, (stay with me here), if there were things you let go. (Ah hah!) The past can be like a lit stick of dynamite. You can’t help but see the glow of the wick, especially in the impending darkness but if either of you left that flame still glowing, even if ever so slightly, then at some point it is going to blow. Right up in your face. And on out the door.

Little foxes grow up into raging bears.Foxes are not quiet by nature and when well fed can become roaring monsters. (Not to give bears a bad name but you get my drift). The little niggling, nagging, nonsense cannot be swept under the rug indefinitely. At some point that rug will get mighty lumpy and one misplaced step will bring all that dirt rushing out to your mutual horror and detriment. Deal with the issues as they come. If not you will suddenly discover you talk less and argue more. Feelings of frustration, separation and isolation become common place and you’d rather be alone and at peace than together and at war. Once you’ve dealt with those issues however, be sure to release them as they go. If not all you’re doing is packing them away, making moving out that much easier.

The commit part in commitment gets omitted.As clear a sign as one can get, yet, the easiest one to bypass. Things change, people change, this is most certainly true. But in changing you should be growing together, not apart. If you are spending less and less quality time together and nothing is being done to solve that, the outcome is simple. Fail. Catastrophic error eminent. And that as they say, is that.

You can, if so inclined, find ways to salvage your relationship. Providing that both of you still believe it is worth salvaging. Or you can (which I recommend) get over it, change gears, shift and move on.

Ok, so you got left. I am sorry. It sucks. Toughen up, wise up and return to the battlefield. Next time around you will be better equipped to spot the signs early promising a positive outcome is already more likely in your favor. And just in case all still doesn’t go to plan, then perhaps you will be the one to pack it up and leave. Knowing when to shoot a limp horse is braver than trying to drag the near-dead body over the finishing line.

I’m sure by now the message has been delivered. Leave, breathe and let go.

Roger that captain. Over and out.

Hold me. Thrill me. Keep me.

2012-02-23T00:03:00.000-05:00

I want an old-fashioned romance. Where we are the stars in a black and white film that moves the audience to sentimental, gushing tears. And the movie tickets will be handed out with (colour-coordinated) tissue boxes. The soundtrack must be played by a full orchestra (complete with harp). And will feature the likes of Marvin Gaye and (hark) even a little Anita Baker. The illustrated novel version of our great romance will have butterflies and bunnies in the corners. And this will somehow seem perfectly acceptable. Oprah will come out of retirement just to add our publication to her book club. And we will graciously send her an autographed copy (and we won’t release this fact to the media.) Mills and Boon will blush at our midnight magic making (ahem). And the home videos celebrities make (and don’t intentionally release) will suddenly seem boring and amateurish.

Hold me.

Bring me flowers at random, with a hand-written note that says “hi”. Not store bought, some yellow coloured stuff you plucked from the side of the road. And I won’t even recognize that my most-beautiful-flowers-I’ve-ever-seen weeds, still have the roots attached (and make me sneeze). Make me a double CD of love songs that tell me how you feel about me in B flat and E minor. And even ten years from now I won’t tell you that CD’s are outdated and I can only play them at the museum’s coffee shop on the world’s last remaining disk-man.

Thrill me.

Bring me doughnuts (chocolate covered with rainbow sprinkles) when I'm down. Open the car door for me (be advised central locking does not count). Hold my hand in public. Touch my check softly with the back of your hand. Kiss my wrist sometimes when you greet me. Clip a funny comic and hand it to me, so you can be there to see when I smile. Tell me when I look pretty, (this should be often). Know when not to tell me when I don’t look my best. (Good luck with that). Hold me close in your arms to warm me when we go swimming in a too-chilly ocean with a soon-setting sun. Spend an hour in a hallmark store to find me the perfect card and on the envelope write “I think I wrote this in our future and sent it back to this very moment”. (Yeah, I so love the corny stuff).

Keep me.

I don’t need all of it all the time, I don’t even need much of it most of the time, but I do want some of it some of the time. And here’s the thing, we all fall short. (Seriously.) So just in case you end up falling short, give it all you’ve got. Try for all of it, all of the time, if you fall short a little and make it most of the time, perfect. If you give it your all, all the time, fall short a lot and make it just a few times, still perfect. But if you don’t give your all, and the half ditched attempt falls short, you fail. (Pause for effect). Catastrophic failure.

Thing is, you’re off to a good start (cue cheerleaders). Well you're reading a blog about love so you must be in the least, interested. I’m rooting for you because I want it too, a great romance, old-fashioned though it may be. We can even make each other a promise, hold me, thrill me and keep on keeping me and I’ll hold, you, thrill you and keep on keeping you. Because that’s all we want in any relationship isn’t it? To be held a little, thrilled a little and kept for long. And even perhaps, (if we're lucky), a few doughnuts and perhaps an old-fashioned romance.

Dry Cereal

2011-12-26T15:24:00.003-05:00

For awhile we were the perfect pair. Anyone who says there's no such thing as perfect is simply incorrect, it exists. And when it was good, it was really good. It was, well, perfect. Like spaghetti and meat-balls, peanut butter and jelly, hotdogs and mustard, bacon and eggs, donuts with sprinkles, we were meant to be together. We were like crispy cereal and cold milk.

But things changed. The cereal started getting cold and the milk started turning sour. And when it was bad, it sucked.

Sounds familiar? All relationships go through this. Hasn't happened in your happy little relationship yet? Don't worry, you're not missing out, it's coming. For those who still believe in fairy tales, here's the translation for "happily ever after", Snow White runs off with Droopy and the Prince and Happy hook up. Welcome to reality.

Some relationships go through the changes earlier than others, some worse than others and most go through it repeatedly, but they all go through it. Why? Simple. People change. We like to think that's not the case, but it is. Circumstances change and circumstances change people. What you (plural, as in you the couple) were like before one of you lost a job, picked up a stray pet or read the other one's messages on Blackberry, (I don't recommend any of these if you can avoid it) is not what you are like now. The lack of money added pressure, the pressure made you miserable and the misery made you fight. The pet was cute enough, but old, tired and pooped on everything. The stray went everywhere with one of you (when the other wasn't invited) and the one who got left behind became insecure, suspicious and jealous, which lead to misery and of course, misery led to fighting. And those BB messages, well, they made the one who read them a little psychotic. Then you both got miserable, started fighting and ended up on an episode of 'Snapped'. (Just kidding.) (Sorta.)

Crap happens. Promise you, it does. They don't teach you this in school (or some other vital stuff you'd think is worthy of a mention) but in every relationship, crap happens. So there you are, your crispy cereal got left out on the counter, lost come of the crunch and then the milk sat next to the stove too long and started to go sour. (Sigh).

You can call it quits and move on. You can throw the milk down the drain and get a fresh batch. Shoot, you can even try a new flavour of milk or switch to soy. Go for it! But let's be honest, while this is perfectly easy for some, (oh the envy), for others, this will hurt so much you feel like you're trying to blow your kidneys out through your nose. That doesn't mean you can't walk away, just know that walking is not always the easy path.

Think what you have is worth saving? Then start churning! Make it work. Take that sour milk and make it into something else - butter, yogurt, ice cream, cottage cheese (does anyone eat cottage cheese?). It may not be what it was before, but that doesn't mean it can't still be good. I must caution however, that you are both going to need to agree on this. If not, one of you is going to feel pretty dumb a few months down the road and you may end up with other issues. So you've been churning and you got yourself a nice, smooth, velvety butter now, right? But who wants to eat butter and cereal? Yet you're surprised when partner moved on to toast... (Feel kinda silly now huh?) Still, for some, (those who churn together), this will work. Some will suddenly discover yogurt or ice cream covered in cereal with a little less crunch is exactly what they wanted. And some couples will repeat this process a few times during the course of their relationship and a lifetime later, still be happy.

But sometimes, though you didn't quit at the first sign of trouble, and though you were both willing to try and churn at it, sometimes, it just doesn't work. Sometimes cereal can be enjoyed alone, without adding milk to the equation. Sometimes that turning milk needs to work through a whole other process and perhaps become cheese. And in some cases, even though when it doesn't work it may hurt, keeping the cereal and milk separate may be best for both the cereal (that won't get soggy) and the milk (that's better off with cookies).

When asked, I will always tell you, at one point, we were the perfect pair. But for now, I'm keeping the cereal in the fridge. And for awhile, in my world, cereal will be served dry.

A Walk in my Loveless Shoes

2011-05-15T20:43:00.001-04:00

You don't love me anymore. You'll be quick to deny it, but it's true, you don't.

I don't know what I did, or didn't do, to cause it. I didn't 'mash your corns' as they say, nor did I cause them. (At least, not that I am aware of). I don't know how it happened or when, but I'll never forget moment I realised it. When I first realised the emptiness inside me would not be filled by you again.

It didn't happen suddenly. I didn't feel that you loved me one minute and just didn't the next. It was a gradual awakening to the realisation. Like the gradual darkening of sky as the sun sets behind horizon and the night settles over land. Actually, now I often ponder how long it took me to notice. How long did I look at the beautiful colours of setting sun and fail to notice the impending fall of darkness.

I first realised things had changed when you didn’t have time for anymore. Before I was the centre of your world, we were together all the time. But then you were always too busy, there was so much to do and there was so little time left over for us to be together. Later you promised. Always later. Only later never came.

I made excuses on your behalf, (at first) but that would soon pass. Sometime later, I’d come to see the truth. But the moment I knew for sure your love had faded, much like the setting sun, was the last time I saw you. There was something so final in your step as you walked away. Then I saw the colourful sky was merely illusion, a reflection of nothing but dimming light. We had walked together but somehow I knew you were now going to walk a different path, a path without me.

I cling to memories of a better time. And glorious times we had. I even believe that for awhile we were happy. The loss of your love pains me. There’s emptiness in my inner sole where you once were. But I wish you well, wherever you go, may all your steps be filled with love, a love which is unlike mine, is always returned.

Love always,

Your (Last) Non-designer Shoes

Love Lost

2011-02-02T20:46:00.000-05:00

If you ask me, falling in love is a highly over-rated concept. I’d much rather fall into something useful. Like Oreos. Or M&M’s. Definitely M&M’s. (With almonds). But of course, no-one is asking me.

So here we are, in the month of love. (Blah, blah, blah). Gone is the celebration of one sainted day, now we celebrate every day in February, (or so we are supposed to believe), a whole month of love. I prefer December, the month of ham and rum. But there again, no-one was asking my opinion.

By now you may have determined I’m a bit grumpy about the whole thing and it’s only day two. It’s all the hand-cut paper hearts in the retail stores and the website pop-ups of Miracle Grow fed, English, red roses. All that mushy stuff gets me down. Why? Because it’s not real. The whole thing is about as true as Pamela Anderson’s boobs, Jessica Simpson’s brain or Paris Hilton’s hair. That’s right, it’s all fake. This, the-sponsored-by-Hallmark month, is not about love.

We’ve forgotten how to love each other.

We’ve forgotten the little things. Please, thank-you, have a nice day. A polite nod, a soft smile. Waiting for the other person to reply before walking away, when someone took the time to ask “how are you?”.

We don’t know our neighbors. Shucks, we hardly know our friends. And the new concept of a family gathering is a group chat via messenger. (If you needed me to insert BlackBerry before messenger to clarify, you’re officially out-dated.)

We’ve forgotten the kind things. Giving to charity. Feeding the hungry. Clothing the homeless. Reading to the children at your local library and taking the time to make Billy Goat Gruff sound, well, gruffy.

We only volunteer for points, give for discounts and buy pets from fancy pet stores while the adoption centre at the RSPCA would gladly give you Bucket (the dog that looks suspiciously like a rat) for free.

We’ve forgotten the classic things. Central locking has somehow replaced opening the car door for the other person. Pulling out a chair. Flowers just because. Home burnt dinner by candle-light. Breakfast in bed. (Cereal does not count). An honest compliment. A kiss on the wrist. Even a postcard brought to you by grinning mailman (because you know read he read it on the walk over), has disappeared with the birth of the text message.

We simply forgot.

Yet, (thankfully), a few of us still remember it all. I don’t know my neighbors, but otherwise, I think I’m on the right track. And if I can drag a few of you along, I think we can really make a difference. We're going to do it all. (And we're not even going to wear red. Or a cape.) The little things that make for a good day. The kind things that make a good day for others. And the classic things that make for wild romances and sometimes even make someone fall in love.

Ok, so maybe falling in love isn’t so bad. But the truth is, if we can get the rest of it right too, then we’d really have something worth falling for. If we can remember to love each other, honestly, in little ways, kind acts and classic gestures, not just this month, but all the time, then that would be just, well, lovely.

Uncommonly Common

2010-11-16T16:18:00.002-05:00

Throw in the towel girls, Prince William is officially off the market. (Sigh).With the recent announcement of his engagement to Kate Middleton, women (and some men) everywhere sighed a deep collective sigh of disappointment. We’re not disappointed about you Kate, we like you, (well I do) even though you single-handedly killed the dream. (I sigh again). No, we’re disappointed that we didn’t beat you to it. But that’s ok, you are forgiven, since you do after all have such a keen sense of style.

Actually, all the attention you’re getting Kate makes me a little grateful I turned William down. (By the way William, that’s the official story if anyone asks). I’m quite happy not to have the media digging into my past, thank you. Granted, it’s far from sordid and a little less than juicy, (sigh) still, I’d like to think it’s called a ‘private’ life since it’s meant to be, well, private.

But what’s really bugging me is not the cheap shots at painting a less than perfect profile of Kate, (may the writer who is without dirt throw the first computer). It’s not even the media’s reference to Kate’s alleged non-virgin status (you guys are so wrong for even mentioning that), it’s how Kate is being referred to on a whole.

A leading UK newspaper said Kate "will be the first commoner to marry an heir presumptive to the throne in more than 350 years." (I beg your pardon.) Ok, so Miss. Middleton wasn’t born into royalty, but surely she’s no commoner. Why that’s just rude! Couldn’t this have been phrased differently? Said with a little more, gee, tact? Allow me to suggest a thesaurus for your next article.

Well Kate, if it helps any, I wasn’t born into royalty either (I know this is a surprise to many of you) and since I wouldn’t like being called a “commoner”, I don’t see why you should endure it either. We're not going to cuss about it though, that would be common behavior. And while we are many and in that way, perhaps common, we can behave most uncommon about it and be graciously silent.

Chin up Kate! Keep smiling and stepping in style. And while it pains me to concede, congratulations.

Though, should you change your mind, do put in a good word with Will for me.

Status Update: Incorrect

2010-11-04T13:37:00.001-04:00

I fought the trend at first. I refused to be part of the social networking lifestyle taking over everyone’s lives. I blatantly declined sitting in front the computer all day when there was sunshine to bask in, oceans to swim and dirt tracks to hike. I never had a My Space page, by the time I got around to it, it was no longer trendy. I was the last of my friends to finally give in and get a Facebook account. Not that I was interested then either, but there was this photo album I just had to see. Even after I had a Facebook account and grudgingly added a Twitter account to the mix, I seldom used either and surely wasn’t adding either of them to my Blackberry, which by the way, I had strictly for professional purposes. My idea of social networking was a cocktail party. But in the end, I succumbed to it all. I’m even a little embarrassed to admit that just like most of you, I’m officially hooked on all of them. I’m an electronically socially networked junkie.

I’ve grown to love a good FB (well you didn’t think I was going to type out Facebook each time did you?) scan and a thoughtful Tweet can give me the giggles. (Both are on my Berry now). But recently some of the status updates and Tweets my ‘friends’ (I don’t even know some of these people) are posting have been a bit disturbing, so I’ve taken it on as my duty to help you find your way, since, it is evident, you got a little lost.

Please do tell us if you are happy, concerned, bewildered or bored. Tell your friends when you get your hair-do done and add a photo so we can “Like” it. Share the funny thing on YouTube, the insightful thing on Shine, the sorrowful thing on the Advocate’s back page.

Tweet about that wonderful article on 'why we love heels' you just read in Marie Claire, or about that new piece of heaven-on-earth you found in NovelTeas on the corner. (By the way, do try the Jasmine tea). We’re even delighted to read about that cute thing your darling child did and now Twitter lets you add photos. (Cudear).

Your Blackberry Messenger (we’ll call this BBM from here on in) status has an even shorter limit than Twittter, but you can still squeeze some sweet sayings in if you try. So give it a try.

However, (sigh) if you are constipated, have diarrhea, or found a strange rash in an even stranger place, your FB or BBM status or Twitter post, is not the place to share this. Your medical condition, other than, “traffic gives me a headache”, is not for us to know.

Your relationship status is not meant to be shared either. I don’t mean the info section on FB where it says “in a relationship with” or “married to” so-and-so. I mean when you just found out you’re being cheated on. “(Insert name here) is a dog”, isn’t right. I don’t care who they are or what they’ve done. Don’t get me wrong, by all means you should vent, but we ask that you try not to do this in public forums. This falls into the ‘over-share’ category and there isn’t a button for that.

Don't complicate the issue either. Kindly refrain from changing your BBM status to ‘updated Twitter’ with a link to your Twitter page and then Tweeting the link to your FB page so we can see a new music video. (Seriously?)

Finally, I’d like to recommend if I may, that you think before you tag, or link. That photo we took in the park ten years ago brought back good memories and we all shared a smile. (Though I find it hard to believe I once thought LA Gear sneakers in purple with mustard laces fashionable. Egad!) But that doesn’t mean I care to share it with everyone I know, so I don’t know why you think I should share it with everyone you know. Got me? Before you post links with info or images of other people on your social channels, be sure they don’t mind you sharing it. Send it in private message just in case. Or a random sneaker may get thrown in your general direction.

Be sociable. It’s our world, we should know what’s happening in it. Share and share alike. Just don’t share everything. Have fun fellow junkies and share responsibly.

In Reply to Your Emails

2010-10-26T08:20:00.001-04:00

I’ve been hearing from you since my last post, seems I ruffled a few feathers. (Giggle). Thanks for writing me nonetheless, I do appreciate it. Though I’d like to say that while I love getting emails from you, I’m challenging you to be less cowardly and simply leave a comment. (I dare you!) You can do it anonymously and all feedback is good feedback, so I will post your comment. Even if it is a bit on the illogical side. (Sigh) Perhaps the reason you email me instead of commenting is so I could reply privately. Was that the plan? If it was you should have been specific, because I’m about to air all your dirty laundry. (And I’m going to enjoy the process too).

It seems we are divided by gender on the issue of the sexless affair, Keeping Affairs to Yourself. Males seem to believe it is all “fair play” and “harmless flirting” in the absence of sex. Females are prone to believe that “from the time (your partner) starts calling (the other person) first thing in the morning and last thing at night, it’s time for the earrings to come off and the (tool used for weeding) to get beat down”. That was, by the way, one of the best emails I’ve ever received.

But one person did raise a great point in the form of a question (worth $500 on Jeopardy).“Was I trying to suggest there’s no such thing as a platonic friend?” I wasn’t at all. (Shame on you!) But since you brought it up, let’s address it, shall we?

Usually the person you’re dating is smarter then you give them credit for. Unfortunately, not always, but usually. That means we usually know the difference between your genuine platonic friend and your pretend platonic friend, that you’re secretly hoping to get lucky with. That’s right, we sure do. Real platonic friends are the best. These are encouraged. But the fakers have got to go.

One of my best friends described the platonic friend as “what happens when someone likes you but they’re ugly”. (Classic!) Laughter aside, it is possible to have friends of any sex that are really just your friends. Some of them always have been and always will be. We can’t say the same for our romantic partners. Therefore it’s important not to let your romantic relationships interfere with your friendships. And as long as you keep things on the up and up, they shouldn’t. But Chris Rock said (I’m paraphrasing and deleting the expletives), the platonic friend is really a back-up plan, the ‘break glass in case of emergency’ option for when your current relationship fails. If this is closer to your description, then you may have issues in the future. And that’s all I’m saying about that.

To those of you who “love the blog”, who are “inspired”, “tickled pink”, "ROTFLOL" or are even “not sure what to say in the comments because it left (you) so emotional”, thanks for your emails.

To the one guy who thinks I wrote ‘Breaking –up beautifully. 10 Easy Steps’ just for you, I did. Glad things went smoothly. (Glad for you that is, not her.)

And to everyone who follows, officially or unofficially, keep reading, keep sharing and keep loving out loud.

Keeping Affairs to Yourself

2010-10-22T18:45:00.000-04:00

Have you had an affair recently? Before you act all astonished that I had the audacity to ask and before you launch into a long-winded self-righteous response filled with offence and exasperation, let’s be sure you understand me clearly.

I think from my initial question you’re of the opinion that I’m suggesting you’ve had an affair. You know, cheated. Well as a matter of fact, I am. (Yes, I said it). What I want to know is if you’ve done it (again) recently, within the last year. Still can’t believe I asked? I still can’t believe you think you’re innocent. Because believe or not, you’ve had an affair. At some point. Disagree? Let’s call a truce. Perhaps if we better understand each other, we can mutually agree, I’m right.

In order to establish that you’ve had an affair at some point, we will first need to determine what an affair is. How silly, since we all know what an affair is already. Do we?

In layman’s terms an affair is cheating, two-timing, being unfaithful, having a fling, a little hanky-panky on the side, messing about, or (my personal favorite) ringing a horn in someone. But in more definitive terms, having an affair is having an amorous or intimate relationship with someone other than the person you’re (already) in a committed relationship with. So, if you’re having an intimate need fulfilled by someone other than the person you’re with, you’re cheating. With me so far? Because the meat of the matter here is that you don’t need to be having sex to be having an affair. (Ahhah!). And that right there is how you just got caught.

We all want different things out of relationships, but some of the basic things we’re all looking for, are more or less the same. This must be true or otherwise we’d all still be single. So let’s cover some of the basic necessities. And while we’re at it, let’s look where your relationship’s needs are being met. And at who’s really meeting them.

Like Super-glue (or a Paris Hilton Weave) – Bonding / Time

First things first, in order to be in a relationship we’re going to need to relate to each other. That means we’re going to have to get to know each other and then we’ve got to bond. We’ll talk and spend quality time, and chat about and do just about anything and everything together. In the early stages of relationships this is easy. It’s when you’ve been together for awhile you have to work at this. Date night helps. And don’t forget to do the little things like leave ‘I love you’ messages in your partner’s hand bag or briefcase. Above all, keep talking to each other.

But with all the ways we stay socially connected, Facebook, chat-rooms, Blackberry Messenger (and so on), if we’re not careful we can easily spend more time talking to other people than we spend talking to our spouse. Worse still, you can easily build relationships with special ‘friends’ who share a common interest. And before you know it, you’ve got another relationship blossoming in the left wing.

If you take a moment and think of who you chatted with most in the last 30 minutes, (smile) and if that person you just thought about, (who made you smile), is not your partner, you’ve started cheating. You’ve started the basic cultivation of a relationship with someone else. Sure, that relationship may stay right where it is, in the ‘safe friendship’ zone, but if you continue to nurture it with time and build bonds, it can take a very different direction.

Feel Good Factor – Emotional

Your relationship should fulfill you emotionally. The person you’re with should be the person who effortlessly and always makes you feel good, feel good about all kinds of things and mostly, about yourself. He or she should be your bowl of favorite ice-cream on a hot day and when you’re with them, it should seem as if suddenly (even if briefly), all is right with the world.

When you have a bad day are you still turning to your significant other for comfort? If instead you’re logging on and laughing up with someone else, you’re probably not on the right track. That emotional fulfillment is coming from elsewhere and ‘elsewhere’ may not be where you want to be.

Who’s Your Daddy? – Nurturing / Protection

Remember the night you came home from work and vented to your spouse about that so-and-so no-good dimwit you work with, who did such-and-such and really ticked you off? And your loving protective partner’s reply was ‘that fool did what?’. And then without them needing to say another word you instantly felt better. Remember? That was because you knew that person had your back. We need that. We need to know the person we’re sharing our lives with, will be in our corner and that they will be supportive, encouraging and sometimes appropriately inappropriate on our behalf.

This is one trait that is best revealed with time. As the relationship progresses you’ll know how protected and secure you feel with this person from their repeat performances.

If your go-to person has shifted, you’ve already invested time and emotion on the outside. You should understand by now that you’ve got a nice little affair going, but if you’re looking to keep the relationship you’re in from being on the out, this is a good place to stop and just cancel your subscription.

There Is Only One Usain Bolt – Priority Status

Your partner should be your number one person, the priority in your life that demands and receives the majority of all your best. Your investments are banked here, with this person. They come first, all the time, every race. They receive the most of your time, affection, love, protection, support, care, all of it.

And when I say all, I mean it in a sensible way. Who wants all of your day time but none of your night? It must be balanced, although we do recognize it has to be fair to all involved. Here by all, I only mean two of you.

If your partner receives most of your time and most of your support but the least of your flirtations, you still fail. Grade F. So if you think that just because you and your ‘friend’ aren’t rolling around in the proverbial haystack (yet), it means exchanging those hot and spicy texts is not a problem, think again. You’re just one step away from making your affair a legitimate reason for a class-action suit. And if Tiger Woods can’t win, neither can you. You catch my drift.

The Barry White CD – Sexual

Let’s be frank, your partner has to fulfill you sexually. You can decide how much you need in that area to make it work for you. But if it isn’t working on some level, fix it. Fast. Because if you don’t, you’ve opened the door wide for your new ‘friend’ to become your new improved ‘friend’ with benefits.

After the first sexual interaction with the other person, (the other person being the one you’re not in a relationship with), you know without a doubt you’re having an affair. Usually this key point is where most people recognize they’ve gone astray.

The sexual affair is commonly considered ‘the affair’ and they are some who will challenge that everything before sex, is just foreplay. We will get back to those critics in a minute.

As we've all come to learn from the whole Bill and Monica saga, (Clinton still rocks), loose definitions of sex will come back to haunt you. So to clarify when I refer to having a sexual affair, I'm including all the fun and even somewhat sketchy types of sex. Oral sex, penetration, phone sex, text sex, chat sex, if one (or both) of you climaxes from it, in my book sex occured. Clear?

And for those of you who think that as long as sex is absent, you haven’t done anything wrong, I say only this. If that were true, the global divorce rate would be a whole lot lower. Instead, divorce is suspiciously high. Because it seems that even in the absence of sex, your sordid emails, texts, messages, photos and whatever else was uncovered, still hurt. It seems your partner can still end up broken-hearted, when they didn’t actually catch you in the act.

Think of if this way. If the roles were reversed and the person being cheated on was you, at what point would you no longer be comfortable? Would it matter less that your parter is involved with someone else if no sex occured? Or would somewhere inside tingle a little, would a little sleep be lost, would a meal or two be missed, from the first too-long phone call in the middle of the night? In other words, when it’s happening to you, when exactly to you define the start of the affair?

So did you have an affair recently? Ok, I concede, there's a chance you haven't. But I’m pretty sure that now we’ve talked about it, you’ve had one at some point. It’s ok though, keep your affairs to yourself. You don’t have to tell me. Afterall, I’m sure not telling you.

A Matter of Opinion

2010-10-12T11:20:00.002-04:00

What were you thinking while you brushed your teeth this morning? About your work, spouse, children, things you have to do, calls you have to return, bills you need to pay, shoes you need to buy, how cute your bum looks in those undies? (Pause).

Was I close? Any of the above? All of the above? Did you find the 'cute bum' remark a bit off? It isn’t. We think about our bodies more than we’d like to admit. The problem is, as a woman (apologies to the men reading along), usually when we think of ourselves physically, it’s in a bad sense. But is it really what you think that’s the problem, or is what others think?

Late last year I wasn’t feeling well. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it but I wasn’t myself. I was extremely tired all the time and my body felt like something I borrowed, not like the one I knew. I didn’t share that I wasn’t well with anyone (frankly, it wasn’t anyone’s business), but it soon showed. I lost weight. Lots of it (apparently) and quickly. While I didn’t notice immediately, everyone else sure did. And for some reason, everyone felt the need to share their opinion on the matter, although I hadn’t asked for opinions and really didn’t want any.

A few were nice about it, saying I looked better than ever, (bless you), but the vast majority thought I looked too skinny, even “simply awful” (I remember who said that and you’re not getting a Christmas gift this year). The comments hurt. I became extremely self-conscious. And while I secretly enjoyed trying on smaller sizes, I feared buying them and drawing more attention to my “protruding ribs”. Only my face reflected the weight-loss, because the rest of me was well under wraps. My over-sized clothes hung from my frail frame in an attempt to hide my body. I was ashamed.

Recently however, I gained a few pounds. And once again, all and sundry have an opinion to voice. I stepped onto the scale with trepidation, fearing it might break, having heard such sordid tales of my new chunky size. I was congratulated on being pregnant. Only, I’m not. Again, I was ashamed.

During this last year I gradually became aware of my physical self and I realized a few things about my body. But it's not what you might think.

When I look in the mirror I don’t see skinny me, or chubby me, I see me. And although it took some work to get here, I am no longer ashamed. There are things I look great in and things I should probably give away. But beyond that, it’s not too complicated for me. I’ve realized that who it’s complicated for, is you. Everyone else. You’re the ones who think I’m too skinny, or too fat, or too something that I don’t believe I am. And do you know what? It sucks to be you. Because I'm fine with me.

I wasn’t crazy, something was wrong. And I remain thankful daily that the problem has been resolved. I’m healthy. Unfortunately there are too many of us out there who can’t say the same. Too many who can’t control how skinny or how round they are because something bad has borrowed their bodies. People you may help to feel ashamed, because you didn’t keep your opinion to yourself. But each of us, whoever we are, however we are, we need to love what we are. Not what others think we should be. Don’t be ashamed of you and don’t allow others to influence your judgment of yourself. There is really only one body commandment, thou shall be healthy. Anything else society deems you should be, is optional.

I say this to those of you who have started calling me chubby, perhaps what you say may be true, in your opinion. But I don't want your opionon, so kindly don't give it. And you should know, that this morning while I brushed my teeth, I smiled as I was thinking how cute my bum looks in these undies. And do you know what the truth is?

My bum sure looks cute in these undies...

Think pink this month and give generously as we all do our part in the fight against breast cancer.

Like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter'

2010-10-07T11:58:00.002-04:00

Welcome to October! Are you excited? You should be. It’s a new month and a new chance to remind someone you love, how much you love them. (That’s exactly what you were thinking right?). It’s Fall, so fall in love all over again, with everything.

I had a lovely surprise this morning when flowers were delivered to my home in the middle of breakfast. The simple ‘thank you’ note attached immediately brought tears to my eyes and a grin to my face. And the random act of kindness has sent the tone for the rest of my day. (Thanks again). The bubbly joy I’m feeling right now, I’d like to share with you. Better still, I’d like you to share it with someone else too. So let’s give it a try. That’s our ‘to do’ for today. We’re going to spread joy like 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' on a hot bake. (Can you tell I enjoyed breakfast?)

First things first, you’ll need to get yourself into the right frame of mind. Ready? Inhale…exhale…and grin! Go on. Feels forced and silly? That’s ok, I’m the only one who can see you. (Made you look.) But if you grin hard enough, when it starts to fade you’ll be left with a soft smile. See? There it is.

Now caption a blank piece of paper (or email, or Facebook note), “5 Things that made me smile the first week in October”. Write (or type) 4 things that made you smile so far this month. Here’s mine:

One of my dearest friends is having a baby and she’s naming her after me. (That was my official bid).
I hugged my dad.
My husband bought me ice-cream and our dogs watched us eat it.
My mum surprised me and in doing so inspired me.

Remember your list will actually have 5 items on it, but the 5^th will be the same for all of us. Here it is.

I shared four smiles with you.

When you’ve completed your list, pass it on. Let me know what you come up with, I’d love to hear from you. Put your 4 in the comments section so I can smile with you. Note, however, the list doesn’t have to come back to you. You’re not giving this so it becomes a task, so give it free and clear, without instructions. And you can do this as often as you like. I’m pretty sure something sweet will come back to you in some way. Perhaps even flowers. In the least you would have shared a smile with someone. And smiles are a great way to start falling in love. Smiles and Celine Dion. But that’s another post.

and one for Me

2010-09-28T20:30:00.000-04:00

I had fresh donuts for breakfast today. Two of them. Both topped with milk chocolate frosting. One drizzled with white chocolate icing and the other heavily drenched in multi-color sprinkles. Delightful. Since I was already on a roll, a cup of caffeine-free green tea was out of the question, so I had a Coke. Then, I skipped yoga, stayed in bed and watched ‘Enchanted’. Do I feel guilty? No. Fat? No. (Well, not yet.) Lazy? Not at all. In fact, I felt full, rested and privileged as I sang along with Giselle (a little off key). Today was not about what anyone else thought about what I should be eating, drinking, doing or not doing. This day was mine. Today I had a love affair with myself.

Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from all the other relationships around you and work on your relationship with you. You put all that effort into other people, but once in a while, put equal effort into yourself. It’s not selfish. Love never is. So love you for a bit.

For one day, let it all go. Eat, drink, do, or not do as much or as little as you like. Have donuts and Coke for breakfast and overpriced lobster and very aged red wine for lunch. Of course, you’ll have ice-cream for dinner. (What else?) Find funny shapes in the clouds. Watch a musical and join in on the dance routines. Feed the birds. Go barefoot. Wonder. Laugh. Be well.

I’d love to stay and chat for awhile, but it’s my day remember? We’ll do you tomorrow. Hugs.

Breaking-up, Beautifully. (10 Easy Steps).

2010-09-21T17:19:00.001-04:00

What do you say to the beautiful, the brainless, the brazen and the barbarous who broke your heart? I’m sure you can think of a few things. I’m sure you can think of a few things you’d like to do too. But apart from the legal implications, (or illegal I should say), there’s a few good reasons why you should hold your tongue, don't say anything and don't do anything either, (nothing at all) in the heat of the moment.

Too often we say the first thing that comes to mind. While this may be what you’re thinking at the moment, anger aside, it may not really be a true representation of how you feel. Surely although in this moment your partner seems to be 'a mere tick on the backside of an elephant, soon to be flicked off by its tail and crushed under its mammoth heel like nothing more than an insignificant annoyance', (breathe) in hindsight this might perhaps be a bit harsh. Likewise, quick flares of rage can prompt actions that land us on Judge Judy. And since we all know it’s edited, the experience may not be as cool as they would have us believe.

All in all, what you say and do can’t be taken back. And apart from the hurt and disappointment you’ll both feel, it can lead to a month, year, or lifetime of regret. So learn how to bite your tongue and curb your raging enthusiasm. Besides, are you even sure you want to break-up?

The jackass of today maybe the stallion of tomorrow. You’re ticked-off now, but give yourself a chance to cool off. Later, when you think back (with a clear mind) of all the idiotic and hurtful things the other person said, (or did), some of it may actually make a little sense and while not well phrased, was perhaps not intended to be hurtful. If you didn’t blow-up in the first place, you won’t have to admit this. And more importantly, with a little etiquette class, you may not actually want to break-up. A rational discussion, or few choice words in a firm tone should suffice. And then you can kiss and make-up. (Ah, fun times).

The repeat offender. You’re really furious this time. And the last time you were here was just a little while ago. (A few hours to be exact). You cooled off, even chilled out, but here you are again, red in the face and ready for a taekwondo class. (Sometimes yoga won’t do).

Relationships are about being happy together. There’s a lot of other stuff in there too, but generally speaking, you’re with that person because when you are, it feels good. But what if it feels bad, all the time? First of all, is it really all the time? You may just have one issue that you’re not dealing with and getting past. Don’t get me wrong, depending on what it is, this one issue can be enough to make you run for the hills. (And not in a Sound of Music type of way).

If you’re at this stage you should do a hit list. One page with two columns and a writing instrument. Side A, write all the stuff you love, like and can tolerate about your partner. Side Nay, the opposite. Do this as a numbered list. Clearly if the A list wins, give the poor darling a break and work things out. You may just need a little therapy. But if the Nay’s have it and there’s a hot new topic to make you hot and bothered daily, see your local therapist. If time passes without a real resolution and the money runs out, throw the towel in. If you gave the therapist a shot, you can honestly say you tried to make it work. Or, you can have ice-cream in front the TV and honestly say you tried to make it work. It depends on your budget.

The unforgivable. Something was said or done that there’s just no coming back from. This one is easy to spot. You’ve started meditating to episodes of Snapped and generating ideas from Forensic Files on TruTV. Act quickly, it’s time to break-up. Or pretty soon you’ll be staring in your very own episode and you won’t even get a trip on the Red Carpet for your troubles.

So, here we are, you’ve decided to break-up, it can’t be helped. Even the therapist recommended it. Or worse, your partner doesn’t like ice-cream. (Madness!).

1. Time to get down and dirty. Or not. There’s a right way and a wrong way to do just about anything. Even break-up. While I’m no therapist, I’ve been broken up with (fools) and I’ve done the breaking up with ( fools) and I’ve consoled enough friends through both to tell you exactly what the wrong way is. It’s cruel and insensitive. The right way, is kind and sincere. The wrong way, hurts everyone. The right way, hurts everyone. No, that’s not an error, just thought you should have all the facts. We’re going to try and accomplish the break-up done nicely. This way should hurt a little less. (Hurt you less that is. Your partner may disagree.)

If you have absolutely no fear of Karma or you think the other person is worth the risk of Karma just so you can be mean, knock yourself out. But stand in your shoes, keep your jewelry on and hold the clutch in place for just a minute more. Might I suggest you think about two things first? If what you’re about to say or do, was said or done to you, how would you feel? And if you saw your ex in the obituaries next month, would you regret what you say or do now? Because then, you won’t be able to take it back, ever and since we don’t know the future, I don’t recommend the risk.

2. “The art of living is in the fine balance of letting go and holding on.” I don’t know who said it but I think it’s profound and quite true. Usually from every relationship there was some good mixed in with the bad. Take the good stuff with you, let the bad stuff go. I’m not saying it’s easy to do. But as far as I can tell, nothing worth it ever is.

3. Study, you will be quizzed later. Think about what you want to say and how you want to say it. Your partner will have questions, but if you give details and examples upfront, you can minimize the number of questions you get. Reducing the queries will help you to keep your temper in check, since they can be frustrating.

I’m always a big advocate for writing it out. Personally this just helps me remember. (Please don’t leave the list on the kitchen counter). But be warned, if you break-up with someone with a notebook in your lap and check things off a list as you go, you’re liable to be cussed, or smacked. So you’ll want to commit the points to memory.

4. The real estate market is booming, but choose your location carefully. Relationships today are surely not the relationships our parents had. We keep in touch through a complex assortment of technological advancements, few require even seeing the other person. You’re lucky to have a cup of coffee together and if you get a physical card or (gasp) flowers, you’re likely to cry. (More from shock than anything.) But none of these channels is the way to break-up.

Do not break-up by phone call, faxes, emails, e-cards, web chat, webcam chat, video conference, text message, Blackberry messenger, My Space, Facebook or Twitter. It unkind, tacky and rude. Break-up in person, face-to-face. And think twice about that location.

A public location may lead to embarrassment for you both if things get heated and loud. Choose somewhere private and comfortable for both of you. Be careful however not to be insensitive, don’t go back to a place that as previously a source of happiness. For example, don’t break-up on the park bench where you first said ‘I love you’. (Dipstick). If you’re concerned things may not go well, have a friend nearby to bail you out if shoes start flying.

5. Schedule a commercial break. Plan the timeline you want to break-up in, start time and end time. It may sound rough but not really. Bear in mind you know what’s going on, but if the other person doesn’t know what’s coming, they may not want to let you go. If we want to hold on to a relationship the best chance to do this is during the break-up itself. With enough time they may try to wear you down and get you to recommit. (Sneaky devils). You will also want an official end time for you own peace of mind. Hurting someone isn’t an easy thing to do and you can only answer “but why?” so many times. You should plan your out from early, once you’ve said all you had to say and listened all you care to listen, escape.

6. You’re cordially invited to an execution. You’re going to have to invite your partner to the face-to-face break-up. If you don’t let them know in advance you ‘need to talk’, they will feel ambushed when you drop the bomb. But whatever you do, don’t say, ‘let’s go out because we need to talk’. Nothing that has ever ended well commenced with that phrase. How you phrase it will depend on how well you know your partner and the level of your creative genius, but don’t get them there under false pretenses. If you can just go to their place, brilliant. This will also make your timely exit less of a problem.

7. The talk. It’s over, there’s nothing to lose now, so you can be completely honest. Be frank and firm but sensitive and fair. And have some heart, it’s not a good time to crack a joke and don’t smile sweetly through the whole thing. Seriously. Be sure to listen to how the other person feels too. While it may not fix the relationship, it may set you both on the path to emotional recovery. You may come out of this, friends. Or you may want to move to another country when it’s all over. Prepare for the worse.

8. The stages of grief. The relationship has been lost so there will be some grieving, for either or both of you. There are 5 stages to expect (others break this down into 7 but I prefer the one hand finger count).

Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
Anger (why is this happening to me?)
Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
Depression (I don't care anymore)
Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

You can practically count these off as the conversation flows, it’s that accurate. What you should prepare for is that some people will linger at the second or third stage. Your break-up conversation may end with the other person still angry or bargaining. Don’t expect acceptance to come right away. Some break-ups even have sequels.

9. You’ve broken up, so take a break. You’ve done the deed, time for life to start moving on. Solo. Give yourself a break, emotionally. The other person will say you’ve done a bad thing, (whatever), that doesn’t make you a bad person. Live guilt free. Give yourself a break, physically. Enjoy dating for awhile. Spend the weekend somewhere fun. Just relax. Now is a good time for that postponed yoga class.

10. Don’t retaliate. It would be remiss of me you to let you leave thinking if you followed the steps all will go well. Perhaps, but not always. Some of us date slightly insane people, but you may not know until you’ve scorned them. While you didn’t say anything on Facebook or Twitter, doesn’t mean they won’t. No need for us to all act like children. Inhale, exhale and let it go.

Good luck with your break-up. I hope you go to each other’s weddings (to other people of course) and stay friends for years to come. If all else fails tell the fool where to get off. Then grab your trusty spoon and go knock back a quarter litre of ice-cream.

There's A Con In Our Conversation

2010-09-17T02:12:00.003-04:00

So you’ve met someone. Not just anyone, someone really special. Someone you believe you can wander through this crazy maze of a world with, who will help you to make sense of the insane and share the wonderful, the worrisome and the weird with you. It’s a lovely thing.

And then, all of a sudden, out of the clear, blue sky, that person you met becomes the person they are and the two aren’t the same person. You’ve been deceived. Swindled. Tricked. Conned.

It’s the fault of our elders really. Our parents and grandparents and teachers and mentors aren’t honest with us from the start. Between the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus and the wide world of Disney, by the time puberty kicks in, you’re as confused as a cat in a dog fight. Nothing is really what it seems, if it’s real at all. The Tooth Fairy was Mum. Santa Claus was Dad. (Sorry. I thought you knew by now). And that frog in the backyard won’t become a prince no matter how many times you kiss him. (I should have told you sooner). Even the clear, blue sky I referred to earlier seeks to betray you. Surely the sky cannot be both clear, lacking in color and blue, a primary color. (Hmm.) You see the con begins from early.

In the relationship, the con starts from that very first conversation. When you first said hello you used your best Marilyn Monroe, or Barry White impression. Because we know you don’t really sound like that. You laughed at their jokes, which we know aren’t really funny. You praised your boss, loved your neighbor’s dog and said your tennis level was just a ball shy of a Williams sister. You twisted the truth a little. You bent it. You lied. Call it what you like, that’s what you did. And don’t bother to tell me you didn’t because that would be a lie in itself and only prove my point.

It’s ok though. No harm in it. (Or so they say). Because once you got to know each other and the love started to bloom, it all worked itself out. The little twists and bends straighten themselves. And later when your real tennis skill level is revealed, your little white lie becomes something you’ll both recall and laugh at when you meet mid-court by the net. Those initial and little fibs are not a big problem, just don’t keep them going. If you’ve been in the relationship for awhile and still can’t say what those shoes really cost, or where you really were at 3am, you need to rethink what you want from the relationship. Flat out. But later, when you know each other, it’s not so much about what you said. Oh no. The real problem by now is what you don’t say. (Ummhmm). That secret you’ve been keeping. This, is the real con. What you don't say in the conversations. And if you keep on keeping that secret, that beautiful future you’ve been building for two, can end up fit for one.

Let’s set some boundaries. We’re going to need to clear up what a big secret is. Because let’s be honest with each other, some things you’re meant to keep to yourself. You’re not in the practice of doing anything to deliberately hurt yourself. Part of two becoming one, is that this person is now part of you, so you wouldn’t do anything to deliberately hurt that person either. I believe there are some things you don’t need to say, ever. This applies to telling your partner things about themselves which will hurt, but they can’t change anyway. In other words, you’ve highlighted a hurtful problem without a solution and neither of you is any better for it. For example, if his equipment (sniffle), is more weed-whacker (blush) than a 17 horsepower, 4-wheel steering, 2-pedal hydrostatic, rust-proof riding mower (cough). To me it’s not necessary to say, but this is where you (chalk in hand) need to draw your own moral boundaries, I’m not touching that one. (Pun intended).

We’re talking the big stuff. The stuff that day time programming is made off. The ‘my credit can’t get me a loan for a pencil’, ‘I did drug rehab’, ‘it’s not your baby’, (Maury, you need a new punch line) and ‘I was born a male’ type of stuff. You always tell the truth about your sexual status, your sexual partners (how many, who is up to you), your sexual preferences, your finances, your expectations and ambitions, your recreational habits (the negative ones), your religious beliefs, your triggers (what turns you on and off, non-sexual) and your definition of family (4 children, 3 dogs, 2 cats and a pig).

Now while most people when asked will say they lie to shield their partner from hurt, but if you’re ever caught in that lie, the hurt you both feel will only be a part of the problem. You’ll then have trust issues to deal with as well. And by the time you add feelings of betrayal, (theirs), guilt, (yours), anger, disappointment and heartache (shared), you’ve got yourself one great, big, flushable, hot mess.

So what’s to be done? Surely I’m not expecting you to tell the truth? Well actually, yes. If there's any chance that secret can come back to haunt you, tell. (The whole truth?). That’s the idea. Out with it. You’ll sleep better. But since it’s not the easiest thing in the world to do, let’s see if I can help. (Ahem).

Before you open the closet, know why you’re coming out. You can’t undo hurt. So remember, if it’s not on the must tell list and neither person benefits from the knowledge, you may want to get a combination lock for the closet door and just leave it in there.

But once you've decided to share, plan ahead. You don’t want to drop the bomb just by the way. Know what you want to say and how you want to say it. Be prepared for all the follow-up questions that are sure to come. If you write it down, this helps some people, do not leave your note-pad on the dining room table by accident.

Location, location, location and timing has got to be right. This is all part of your planning. Don’t do it in a public place. It could turn into a disastrous embarrassment for you both. Choose a time when you both have clear calendars for awhile. Give yourself time to tell, time for you both to talk and time to determine the steps to recovery.

Be ready to give the other person space. Depending on how big the bomb is, that might be physical as well. It’s a dilemma you’ve brought to the table, so the couch is yours. Or the hotel room. Just don’t expect things to return to normal overnight. If there’s something the two of you enjoy doing together but alone (just the two of you), it may be a good time to do it. Hiking, fishing, tennis. But don’t purchase two first-class tickets and plan a second honeymoon as a surprise. This will not only invade the other person’s recovery period, it may cost you a good non-refundable penny if the other person doesn’t want to see you for bit.

Serve notice. You didn’t plan the what, the where and the when only to slip up now on the warning. You're going to have to let the other person know you have a secret to tell. Let them know it’s something major and when you want to have the discussion. Be ready to do it immediately if there is persistence, but if you can, and this is preferred, allow at least a few hours for the other person to be mentally and emotionally prepared.

In stressful situations we tend to improvise, don’t, stick to the script. At least in the beginning. Ask beforehand to be given the opportunity to explain everything in detail before answering questions. Talk to your partner though, not at them.

Now is not the time to cast blame, take responsibility. This will be difficult enough for your spouse without them having to hear that they caused the problem. So when giving that detailed explanation, remove all occurrences of the word ‘you’. There is a good chance that you will be asked who is to blame directly, think this through in advance and know what you want to say.

There may be expletives. Know in advance that you will be a pestilence spat up from the bowels of Hades upon the face of the earth. Or something not so creative but equally as harsh. Anticipating this in advance will help you not to be surprised when the onslaught begins. And there will be an onslaught. But try not to retaliate or cast blame. Remain calm. Don’t argue. This will be their time to vent. There is a lot of confusion, hurt and anger and any retaliation on your part will hamper the resolution.

Have your suggestions for how you plan to move forward ready. What are the resolutions. But, and this is a big but, you may not be able to fix this. It may take days, weeks, months or even years for full healing to occur. And sometimes, that healing never comes. Don’t expect the worse, love conquers all (I believe this and I’m a pessimist) but be prepared for it. That first-class ticket money may be put to good use with some professional counseling. If all else fails, there’s ice-cream. Good luck.

The Silent Argument: and the Sounding Solution

2010-09-14T17:29:00.000-04:00

There’s something in the air. It’s hard to describe but it’s there, hanging. Not dense like fog, you can’t see it. Not quite humidity, though you can feel it. You’ve experienced this before. You know what this is. But the name of it escapes you somehow. Let me help. That uncomfortable, quiet thing, is tension.

You may or may not be able to pin point the exact moment it descended and settled over everything like a layer of fine dust in an abandoned room. This doesn’t matter. What matters is that you know it’s there. And that you understand if left untreated, it will fester.

You will first have to get to the root of the matter in order to kill this weed. You can come right out and ask what the problem is, but I suspect that you already know. Somewhere inside you have an inkling that things went a little disheveled when ‘x’ was said, or ‘y’ was done, or through some ambiguous combination of the two. And now everyone is upset.

It hasn’t been said, oh no, who dares to whisper such a thing? But it is evidenced by the subtle changes in routine. The slightly louder slam of the drawer. The erect back replacing the relaxed posture. The flame in the eye that belies the soft set of the mouth. And the overly polite exchanges where questions are answered in two words or less. This thing, this hot mess of unspoken annoyance, this, is the silent argument.

The silent argument is not to be confused with ‘I’m ignoring you’, 'I’m not in the mood’ or ‘I’m unimpressed’. In the middle of argument there sits ‘u’ and ‘me’, so if only one of you is affected, congratulations, you don’t have a major disagreement you just have a tiff. Fortunately tiffs are easily resolved with flowers, or ice-cream. (Or new heels). But if you feel a duplication of annoyance with that pesky tension hovering, then an argument it is. And these need more than a little ice-cream to mend.

First you’re going to need to accept responsibility. Yes you. And before you start with the ‘it’s not my fault’ thing, let me interrupt to mention, no-one cares. If you want to fix things one of you has to be the bigger person. And since you’re the sensible one reading this, then it’s going to be you. Even if you really didn’t do anything, (as if), perhaps you (take note) could have managed your response a little better. Or something along those lines. Find that little loop-hole to get a conversation started.

Don’t know how to initiate the conversation? Schedule an appointment. Seriously. Tell your partner, I realize we’re having a problem and I want us to work this through but not with hot heads, can we have rum and Coke on the patio in an hour? As long as it’s not raining, you’ll get serious brownie points. (If you quote me you better give me credit).

Just don’t start with a question. Questions are to be avoided. Especially ‘how long you plan to be vex?’, ‘so you don’t want to tell me what bothering you?’ or ‘why you still getting on stupid?’. These should be avoided at all costs. On the other hand, while sentences of expression are what we’re aiming for, ‘I see you still getting on stupid’, doesn’t work either. Be gentle. Be honest. Be firm. Be fair.

Before you make a stew you’ve got to slice up the veggies, peel and dice onions, slice peppers and chop carrots. This is called preparation. And sometimes when you need to fix things, it helps to have a little prepping beforehand. Especially if you think you’re likely to lose your cool. (I understand). Write it down. Make a list of what you want to say, what works, what doesn’t. Feel free to raise problems, but you’re going to have to be responsible, because if you raise a problem, you need to come ready with a solution. If you don’t have a solution, don’t bring it up.

Fight fair. Give your partner the chance to write their list out too. You won’t always stick to the list and having it doesn’t mean you’ll have a nice smooth discussion about everything. But in the moments when you do lose your cool or get a tad hysterical, the list will keep you grounded and on point. So be sure to keep referring back to it.

Let by-gone go bye. It’s hard. It’s really, really hard. But if you both dealt with it before and you both decided not to discuss it again. Don’t. Bite your lip if you have to, but don’t do it. It will come back to haunt you. Like that super hot chili you washed down with a glass of cold milk, it will come back and it won’t be nearly as pleasant. So leave it out. But if you really think it’s unfinished business, you should probably schedule a special session just for that one.

Hash it out, come up with solutions and kiss and make-up. Literaly kiss and make-up. It's the best part. You’ve aired your silent argument and had a good old-fashioned vocal one, do you feel better? You should. If not you may have deeper issues that you need to work out together, or separately, or with a registered professional. But that’s a whole other post right there. Otherwise, and most importantly, the tension should be gone and you should be breathing some crisp, clean, drama-free air. Inhale. Exhale. And get back to loving each other.

Frauds & Frankensteins

2010-09-09T16:18:00.000-04:00

Let’s talk about infidelity. You’re already uncomfortable, the way you shifted in your seat gave you away. But before you have a conniption we’re not talking about your infidelity, we’re talking about everyone else’s. (Exhale).

It’s certainly not a taboo topic. It’s not a new topic either. Glossy, gossip magazines around the world rejoiced when Monica dropped the bomb. No last name necessary, you know which Monica I mean. For years we followed Prince Charles and his ‘secret’ saga with Camilla, like we didn’t know the truth Charlie. More recently Angelina Jolie, Tiger Woods, Fantasia and Alicia Keys all took their licks, some more than others. (‘Keys in Tramp Minor’ shirts now in production). And those are just a few of the celebs, we haven’t even started in on the ones in your office yet. We were there, taking it all in. Every caught-on-Blackberry-camera step of the way. We read it, watched it, karaoked to it, ‘liked’ it on Facebook and made Twitter chirp with the news.

So why is that? What’s the big deal? What’s our fascination?

Plain and simple, misery loves company and no one wants to be in it alone.

If you’re being cheated on, you want to know it’s not because you’re a loser. (For the record, you’re not a loser). If you’re doing the cheating, you still want to know you’re not the only loser cheating. (For the record, you’re not the only loser). What? Was that harsh? I’m sorry I called you a loser, fraud. Because I don’t care what the justifiable reason is for your cheating, or if you didn’t mean to cheat. It still hurts someone else, so just don’t do it. Ok, so maybe we are talking about your infidelity. (Inhale. Panic!). But seriously, if we acted like the adults we claim to be, we’d save the people we claim to love lots of heartache. And that my friends, is the real truth of the matter.

If you love me, stop keeping secrets and tell me the truth. That goes for partners and friends. (Not gossip friends, truth, careful there). If you want to be with someone else, go for it and good luck. I’m not Frankenstein. That’s right, not Frankenstein. In other words, I was alive when you found me, ergo, I lived before you came along, so contrary to what you think, there’s a good chance I’ll keeping living after you go too. I’ll cry, throw a major hissy fit and cry some more. Things may get broken. But twelve Advils later, life will go on. Happily.

So don't be a fraud if you don't date a Frankenstein. Got it? Good.

In Sickness

2010-09-08T17:35:00.000-04:00

Traditional wedding vows. The beauty of rhythmic poetry combined with such deep passion and sincerity of heart in the most melodious form, as to make the even the hard-hearted shed a tear at the sound. You can decide whether that shed tear is one of joy, or if it be in condolence to the poor sods that utter said vows to each other. I go with the latter. (You’ll recall I’m a pessimist).

The good stuff mixed in there is pretty good. ‘To have and to hold’, ‘for better’, ‘for richer’, ‘in health’, ‘to love’, ‘honor and cherish’, is quite frankly, some powerful stuff. And simply pretty, to boot. Makes you think of running through fields of daisies dressed in white to an Abba sound track. Like a fabric softener commercial. If this was the essence of marriage more of us would take the plunge, feet first and be it for the long haul too. ‘Till death do us part’, would be a breeze. But it’s not that simple. And for most of us, it’s always the other part of the vows that seem to be the reality. The not so good stuff. You know, the ‘for worse’,’ for poorer’ and ‘in sickness’ parts.

So how do you take a whole lot of the not so good stuff and just a little bit of the good stuff and still make it till death do us part? ‘In sickness’ is the key.

'For worse' is guaranteed. There will be bad times, you expect that, but in those bad times be happy, because there are worse times ahead. You’ll need to really remember those ‘for better’ times and hold firmly to those memories. Keep a journal if it helps. Better yet, turn those bad times into something good. It’s not as impossible as it sounds. Just look for the good in the situation and focus on that. One of you left the toilet seat up and the other fell in? What a wonderful time to spend the day at the spa for an invigorating body scrub. One of you lost a job and feeling a bit down about it? More time to spend having picnics at lunch. You get the general idea. This is the easy stuff of course, but if you break the harder stuff down into manageable portions, it can be just as simple. More or less.

Anna Nicole married for love. (Stop rolling your eyes, she did). So did you. And so did I. Fortunately for her love came with a mansion or 4, limitless credit cards, a yacht, designer clothing, a walk-in shoe closet (shivers up my shine with envy) and some jewels here and there. For us, love just came. But make do best as you can. Work hard, save harder and spend wisely but willingly. Just don’t forget to save, you may need something to pull out your hat (other than a rabbit) for the doctor, when that pesky ‘in sickness’ part kicks in. But here is where we separate the men from the mice.

I was sick recently. Nothing major (or so they tell me, I felt quite rotten but I’m not the expert). And as far as vows go, to me nothing truly says ‘I love you’ like rubbing someone’s back while they throw-up. If you heaved at the mere thought, you’re probably single. (Now you know why). To me ‘in sickness’ is the ‘for worse’ of the bad. You can be broke and happy. It’s been proven. Ask me for details. But sick and happy, not really. When you can look someone in the face with their eyes all puffy and red, no mascara, snot around the nostrils, still kiss ‘em on the cheek and say ‘good morning gorgeous’, well then you’ve got this relationship thing nailed. Some out there are wondering, is it that simple? You bet it is. (Thank me later). Have, hold, love, cherish and rub my back with Vicks. Ahhh. Happily ever after...

Till Debt Do Us Part

2010-08-27T01:13:00.000-04:00

Love is blind. Love does not see race, colour, weight, height, physical attributes, bald spots nor chipped nails. And love certainly does not see bank accounts. Well, not the ones in the red anyway.

But if you fall in love, get married, (or move in) and do the ‘happily ever after’ thing, bear in mind that money is a big part of the “happily” in your equation.

It’s important to be realistic when you’re getting together. Their money is your money and your money is their money. (Mostly). But it’s not that simple. Their debt is your debt… see how this is already going downhill?

Before you rush off and get joint accounts with matching checkbooks, lay your bills on the table and come up with a payment strategy. Divide it into short-term and long-term ambitions. You may find out that keeping your finances apart is the best thing for both of you right now, because if one of you has bad credit, neither of you will get a mortgage if you apply together. You can always revisit this later once you’re debt-free.

Once you’ve worked that out, look at your income (cheating is allowed) and expenses together and realistically. If Christian Louboutin's are more important to you than your cereal brand, but your partner only eats Post yet jogging in Beebok isn’t an issue, you’ll need to work a few things out.

Remember, the compromises you make now, will be the fights you have later. So plan ahead. You already know your shoe brand is the centre of your being. Therefore, don’t compromise by agreeing to buy cheaper shoes. The sensible compromise is to buy shoes (gasp) less often. See where I’m going with this? If not, when you decide 4 years in that you want to spend big bucks on designer shoes, after looking cute all this time in the no-name stuff, it’ll be harder to win the you’re-wasting-good-money argument.

In this wonderful age of technology, everything is linked your credit rating. Including your outstanding rewind charges at the video store. I know you’re trying to recall exactly what a video store is, (what’s a video?), but $23.85 + monthly interest can come back to haunt you both in 10 years. And if you never watched ‘Return of the Sex-starved Cheerleaders’, you may not want to pay for it. So, be sure to decide upfront what bills are ours, what’s mine and what’s yours. You may need to help each other along some months, but that’s part of being in love.

Your debts out the way, plan a saving strategy. Some experts tell you to do this first. Save now and pay your debts later. I find the ‘experts’ that recommend this usually don’t have debts. But go with what works for you. Either way, save first or save last, but save. You should always have something set aside for when it rains. Save together towards the things you want together, wedding, house, children’s college fund, a yacht, whatever. But there’s nothing wrong with saving separately too. Your personal desire for new shoes with shiny, red soles, should not result in the cancellation of the family trip to Australia.

However, I don’t recommend saving separately in secret, unless your partner is a poo-head. And if they are, why have you even read this far? Break up already.

Saving is more fun when there’s a goal, so set some. One of the beautiful things about being in love is sharing your experiences with someone else. Splurge sometimes. Don’t look back and think of all the things you’d do differently, occasionally just do them. And remember to take photos, later when your choice in fancy footwear is being questioned and you’re trying to remember why you’re with this person, those photos may help.

Let’s recap then.

Love is blind. Debt can see you.

Plan ahead. Avoid or get rid of debt. Save something.

Live a little. Love a lot.

And be happy. For ever after.

PS. ‘Return of the Sex-starved Cheerleaders’ is not a real movie. Stop trying to find it.

Extra reading: Unemployment doesn't need your permission to happen, you may need help coping. When it Rains

I do

2010-08-25T17:10:00.000-04:00

Love. – noun: a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. dictionary.com But it's much more than that isn't it?

It's that funny feeling in your stomach, kind of like one too many prunes, but not quite. That lightness of the head, quickening of the heart, the removal of all sense and reason. A constant smile, a soft sigh, a burst of laughter. Irrational, illogical and ecstatic. Ready to throw-up yet?

Before you get the wrong idea, yes, I'm a pessimist. Oh I believe in love just like most of you. I do. It's the length and sincerity of it that I question. It all starts off ok. Person meets person, they date, laugh, eat a few meals together and before you know it, fall in love. Sensible ones stay there but others get carried away. You know what I mean. Get engaged, plan a debt, I mean wedding, they get married (if it's legal where you are), put an aquarium in the living room and rescue a dog. It's beautiful. Stay with me now, cause this is where reality sets in. And then after that first blissful year, farts ain't funny no more...

Don't let me discourage you. Fall in love! Go for it. Just be aware that "till death do us part" might be a longer time than you think.

It isn't a bed of roses and if anyone tells you it is, remember that roses still need pruning to stay pretty. In other words, it takes work. And lots of it.

But other than that, if you like the flavor of Pepto Bismol, waking up at random hours of the night with the sheets gone, find your own company boring and you think the person you're reading this to, you can't live without, my friend, marriage is for you.