the flipside of life

Biafra, it's radio and the parable of the man of the abandoned twins fame!

2015-07-20T10:14:00.000-07:00

Gosh, I love the radio!
There's something about radio that I find hard to explain.
Maybe it's the anonymity that it allows or at least used to allow.
Hanging on to the words of an imaginary face day in and out, getting if not addicted but at least hooked to the voice; very similar to religion.
Or maybe it's the thrill of of having new and not so new music streaming into your space, bringing excitement into your otherwise dull existence.
It was always radio for me over television.
Coming from the less than heady days of the Federal Radio Corporation of Nigeria(FRCN), where the presenters were as excitable and interested as members of the 'Lord's Chosen Church' at industry night at Quilox night club,

the sudden array of choice on radio from just the gravelly hissing of FRCN's broadcast was indeed God sent.

Turning the knob on the old sound system in the house, starting from RayPower and listening to two middle aged men who appeared to be cruising though a mini mid-life crisis, trying desperately to hang on to the last of their youth like K-cee the Limpopo crooner trying to hang on to his hairline.

We see you bro. We see you!

Ogas Keke and D1 Adeneye (my name is Dayo by the way and it was irritating as hell when everyone assumed that calling you D1 would make your summer and probably put food on your table too) for all their inadequacies, were pioneers and totally made RayPower the standout station of its time.

Then the Americana returnees/ The 'I've never been but I somehow have an American accent' came on board.

Cool FM , Rhythm 93.7 came and revolutionised the scene. They allowed the youth, irrespective of background and affluence have a real feel of urban pop culture.

You'd be hard pressed to find anyone in his/her mid 20's and up who was not addicted to Dan Foster and his goons on the 'Good Morning Nigeria' show.
It was fun and madness all the way with Dan Foster in his prime; before he started chasing Lagos girls and had an opinion on everything.

Dare Alade might seem like a failed/failing/ never gave it his all musician these days but in the good days of Cool Fm, he too was a legend!

Then we had the also-rans; Star Fm(do they still exist?), who gave it their all but just like in life, for every Tuface, there is a Black Face and for every Ramsey Nouah, there's a Hanks Anuku!

Your prayer as I attempt to waste five minutes of your life on this blog, is for yours to be a life of change.
Somebody loud the Amen!
Say it loud with your hands doing 'Shoki' and waving it about like you just don't care!

Errrrmmmmm... sorry I got carried away there. Just re-enacting what a friend of a friend's friend claimed he heard in church the other day.

Anyway, back to the meat of the matter.
Just about the same period when radio was reforming in Lagos, folks in Rwanda were also having a taste of their own radio revolution.

In June 1993, the Radio Television Libres des Milles Collines(RTLMCS) began broadcast in Rwanda.
It was rowdy and used street language.
The aim was to appeal to the unemployed, the delinquents and a large forming mass of a disgruntled population.
The station spewed hate and venom and quickly had a huge following.
The world laughed it off and said free speech should not be compromised.
The result, as they say, is history.
Rwanda went on to witness arguably the largest form of genocide in Africa.
Radio Televison Libres des Milles Collines had a big part to play in that.

The same appears to be happening in the East of Nigeria.
A skinny, bookish-looking and frankly unremarkable man, hiding away in the cozy brick houses of the United Kingdom is doing Same with Radio Biafra.

Free speech and a right of pursuit of equity should indeed never be contested but neither should inciting violence.

And he appears to be amassing a following.
Young ones on Twitter who have never had their Indomie and egg dinners and occasional success at 'Setting P' interrupted appear to be ignorantly following.

There's nothing heroic or glamorous about war.
Only death and destruction.
It's easy to make the noise and cry before the battle but where would you be if the Kalashnikovs start rattling?

Just ask Mr Emeke Uche (A 'Biafran' man if the 'Director' had his way), who after doing all the acrobatics and Kamasutra styles he must have learnt from hell knows, where he ran to after his wife gave birth to a 3rd set of twins.
A word, as they say, is enough for those who understand.
Wise or otherwise!
P.S: The Flipside of Life is still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Buhari's Nigeria: 99 Problems and a watch ain't one; a fuel queue narrative!

2015-06-04T02:55:00.000-07:00

So the thing is, I live in Ibadan now.
It doesn't have the hustle and bustle of Lagos, the beauty of Abuja city centre or the sheer debauchery and steely eyed ashewo-ism of Port-Harcourt but it's a city that still holds its own.

Sure you've heard the the jokes and seen the pictures. Primary School kids in Ibadan, excitable little creatures; skin as black as the night and scalp white from ring worm, going on once in a life time field trips to the local Shoprite.

Mufutau and friends wondering what's going on!

Or the market women, skin bleached to a beautiful shade of red very much like Ughelli palm oil!

Sure, Ibadan has all the things and maybe even worse but we Omo Ibadans(born or adopted), love the town.

Even J.P Clark. a great Ijaw man and hopefully not a relative of the not so great Pa Edwin, described the beauty of Ibadan in his famous poem of the same name.

'Woss!' In the voice of famous for no obvious reason Nigerian rapper CDQ, if you don't know J.P Clark, just keep reading.
Nigerian education has probably failed you and we are sorry!

Anyway, as had become customary for me on Sundays when I don't have to be at work and ultimately church, I take a drive round the town.
Mostly through parts of Ibadan where the roads are as smooth and the houses as beautiful as any good neighbourhood in Lagos and more importantly, where the motor touts and meat market boys won't in the words of the street 'use me to catch trips'.

This Sunday was different though!
This was no leisurely drive.
This was in fact a drive for ultimate survival!

Fuel tank on empty, A.C knob on off and sweat dripping from forehead like Patience JOE getting used to the Otuoke sunlight again, I slowly drove to the nearest petrol station.

My word!
The queue that had formed before my arrival was a beauty.
A real sight to behold!
How the cars formed an orderly queue on a full kilometer and half of a crescent shaped road and then topped it off with a full circle at the round-about without obstructing traffic is something I would marvel at till the day I pass!

Anyhoo, I being neither T.Y Bello (Aunty photographer) or T.Y Danjumao(Oga oil bloc owner), the inherent money making appeal of the queue was lost on me and I made my way up the line to, in typical Nigerian fashion, subvert the orderliness.

Straight faced and with brow furrowed, Don Jazzy and the Mavin's 'Looku Looku' wafting through my car speakers, I edged my car into a newly formed space ahead of a man who from his loud snores had probably spent the night on the queue.

'Looku-Looku, prayer is the master key' crooned Korede Bello from the speakers.

Cries of 'Eskis Sir, Eskis Sir!' rent the air as the expected barrage of insults against my person began.

An elderly gentleman, white haired and resplendent in his gray lace was the first to approach me physically.
'I ham very disappointed in you sir' he began, wagging his index finger at me like you would at a goat trying to eat your lunch.
' A fine looking boy like yourself from a good haouse should act better in public. People like you ha the problem with Nigeria!' he continued.

Normally, I wouldn't reply an elderly person in an aggressive tone but I don't know if it was a combination of his strong H- factor hitting my ear drums like a Konga or the fact that I had just been accused of been the problem with Nigeria.

Me! Problem with Nigeria! Nigeria!!! Haba!!!

'Sir, with all respect, Nigeria's problems are without any doubt in my mind, the following'
1) Insecurity
2)No electricity
3)Poverty
4)Petroleum products distribution
I, Sir, I'm just a Nigerian looking for fuel for my generators!' I answered.

'E ri oju e! See his face! Wo bo se jo inoki! Gorrilla!' ranted a dark skinned middle aged woman; so obese, you would think she had NNPC's missing 20 billion in her tummy!

'So you don't think that e, as you hav jhump the line, that you hav e do anything wrong ehn! Ehn? she asked.

'Madam, is it me that has been paying Femi Oteshola and Ifeanyi Ubang trillions of Naira to go Yacht racing on Victoria Island? I replied .
'Or is it me that sold off NEPA to every crooked business man with two legs and a signature?'
'Abi it's my blood that Dziani Alice's private jets run on?'
'Madam, I am just a Nigerian looking for petrol for my car. Please if you don't mind, the queue is moving' I ended.

If she were any darker, she would have turned into a bright charcoal red!
'Is me you are abusing abi!' she countered.
'Foolish boy! Is not your fault, when Yoruba children like Femi-Fani Kehinde and Doyin Okugbe made abusing elders a normal something, you are also copying them abi? Is okay oh!'
'Anyway sha, change hav come. Buhari hav come. Change have come to Nigeria and it will not reach your haouse!' she continued.

'What is it Madam!' What is it?'
'Person no fit sleep again?'
'The small boy jump ordinary line, you wan use curse finish am!'
'Na ya Papa line?' shouted the once sleeping man in the car behind mine.

Lo and behold (I'm really tired of making excuses for your poor education, just keep reading) and as God would have it( you're more familiar with that Nigerian line right?), it was Mazi Chuks.
Mazi Chuks just happens to be Mama Nkechi's husband.

Honest and faithful readers of this blog (God bless you by the way. Hopefully Buhari would make someone in your family a Senior Deputy Special Assistant to the P.A of someone important) would be familiar with Mama Nkechi and her bar of Happiness.

'Mazi Chuks!' I shouted in genuine surprise.
'Oga Surveyor!' he replied excitedly.

'Mazi, what brings you to Ibadan? You're the last person I expected to see today!"

'My brother, na petrol oh. We hear say petrol full Ibadan and as we hear say una nor get motor for this village, I say make I use the last petrol wey I get come Ibadan.' he answered.

'One petrol no dey Lagos! Na serious suffer we dey! Thank God say Buhari don enter sef, things must to better now!' he continued.

Maybe because I knew that Mazi Chuks, his four brothers, their wives, 6 children and four dogs all voted for Goodluck Joe, I couldn't hide my surprise at what I just heard the man say.

'But Mazi, you did not vote for Buhari?' I questioned

'You nor hear when the man say na we all get am! Abi you nor get light that day? My brother,the line don dey move again. Go put fire for ya car make we comot this place!' he answered as he swaggered to his car.

P.s: as far as I can tell, there are no grammatical errors in this write up. All ' errors' were meant.

Kindly follow the Flipside of life on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod.

Presidential Candidate Ebele Jonathan; when luck is not enough. An Agbo- Jedi narrative!

2015-03-02T08:44:00.000-08:00

It was one of those hot sunny afternoons, scalp damp and shirt sticky.
Stuck at a bus-stop and you get the impression that half of Lagos was waiting for the same bus as you.

A thought flickers through your mind, maybe, just maybe, Pastor's ''There's someone here, someone who gives bountiful offerings mind you, who would wake up in a new Bugatti this year'' wasn't directed at you after all.

After mentally calculating all the Building Offering, Workers Offering, Transport Offering, Offering Offerings and pledges in the last two years, you banish the thought from your mind quicker than it took D'Banjs' landlord to allegedly kick him out and focus back on the hundreds of pushing and shoving would be commuters around you.

We all, majority young and tired, jaded looks on our faces but still trying to look all cool and calm.
Swinging imaginary car keys in our fingers to let the next guy in the same faded suit know that ' I have a car oh, I just ain't driving today!'

Our China 'Ray-Bun's', doing two things at the same time like every good China man is taught to; shielding our eyes from the sun and at the same time disguising the aggressive to and fro dart of our eyes as we scan the entire Lagos metropolis for the next bus while rooted to the same spot!

And then it arrives, our Knight in not so shiny yellow and black armour!

Yaaaagaaaaaaa!

''Ojuelegba!''
''Ojuelegba!!''
''Ojuelegba, I no get change, ma wole!''
''Lapping, ma wole!''
''Big yansh, ma wole!''
''Aboki wey carry bag or small girl Aboki, no enter oh!''
''Ojuelegba!'' screamed a big, dark and brawny bus conductor at the top of his voice like a young balding Mariah Carey!

The ensuing struggle was epic!
Though I wasn't there, Martin Luther's liberation struggle probably had nothing on this.
Maybe we should ask @omojuwa, he just might have been there during the Selma march! The boy looks like he has been looking for trouble since the epic Cain and Abel fight!

So yeah, there I was, born and bred in Lagos and just the right opportunity to show it.
Even in these strange times of 'stealing is not corruption', I knew I could still find my way through a ruckus.

So, with a holy cry of war, right leg outstretched to kick anyone and anything out of my way, I finally found my self on the bus. Tired and sweaty, Gala and LaCasera in hand, I collapsed on my seat!

By the way, please do not ask me when I bought the snacks; if you can't buy Gala while rushing for a bus and at the same time collect your complete 950 change, you're probably the weird one!

Anyway, I barely had time to gather my thoughts and breath when a man stood up at the front.

He was a fine looking gentle man I must add.
All decked out in a brown jacket that must have been all the rage during Awolowo's burial.
He had the worried look of a man who just found out his neighbour's son and 4 friends were visiting from Gwoza!

''Exceede exceede magnum!'' He began.
''Exceede exceede magnum!!''
''Exceede exceede magnum na Latin for 'e big, e big, e big well well!'' He chanted.

''Exceede exceede magnum! This one no be ordinary Agbo-Jedi''
''This one na the Baba of all Agbo-jedi''

'' For those of una wey dey enter this bus everyday, Oga blue shirt for back I greet you this morning, una know wetin I dey talk'' he continued.

''This one na the agbo-jedi wey if ya wife see you dey come from this road, she go run comot pass another road because she know say FIRE don come!''

''If you be man wey don marry for like 6 years and you never satisfy ya wife one day, and you still dey beg am make she no leave you, make she give you more time; Exceede excede magnum na for you oh!''

''If you be man wey instead of make you do ya husband duty, you dey blame ya enemies, this agbo- jedi na for you oh!'' he crooned on.

''My brother, if all these young boys for ya compound don dey take ya territory for house, dem nor dey tell person two times, Execcede Exceede wetin I talk????'' He asked.

''MAGNUM!!!!!'' roared the entire bus in reply.

A smile came over his face and you could almost see him mentally calculating his loot from this seemingly gullible audience.

He continued ''Even, my brother, even if ya wife get plenty patience, plenty plenty patience, one day she go tire and ya luck go run out''

'Yes ke, Oga alagbo'' hissed out an obese market woman in the middle of the bus.
''That kain man na failure o jare!'' She purred on in the thickest Yoruba accent since 9ice and Toni Payne's baby.

''Madam, mba, mba! I disagree!'' yelled the light skinned guy next to me.
''What if the man dey try im best but the woman don spoil tey tey before dem even meet. Even if you like, climb tree, come somersault enter, you no go fit satisfy am! Ehn!'' he opined with much passion, we all knew without been told that we were witnesses to a true story of pain!

''Abeg hep me see dis oyibo! Oga, nothing like doing your best-i oh! She replied.
''Even if trailer don pass there before, If you be man for house, you must do man work!''
''If you know say you no get power, you for reject the wife when dem give you!''

''Awon oloriburuku. and na their type go dey surround themselves with useless friends, dey go party, dey dance up and down and forget their wife for house!'' she cussed out.

So, I'm here with the girls dem that like to party and move some body........

At this point, the merchant of potency knew he was losing his customers attention.

''My people, my people. E nor reach to quarrel'' he intervened.
''If you be man and you get this problem, in less than 6 weeks your wife go forget all the suffer she don suffer. Infact....''

''Owo leyin. Money for back!'' the bus conductor interrupted with a bellow.

''One bottle na just 750'' he continued.

''Abeg give me one bottle'' my light skinned neighbour said with a sheepish glance round the bus.
''I wan buy am give my friend Joe.''

''Na so bros! Tell ya 'friend' say na only one teaspoon he go use oh'' the alagbo said.

''I say, owo leyin. Make una give me money for back na'' the red eyed conductor shouted.

''Conductor, I dey come. Oya, take. For three feefu for back'' a dark skinned gentleman said.

''Ye!Mogbe!'' the conductor yelled.

''When Aboki enter my bus?... You nor hear say Aboki ma wole?.... Why your dress swell like that?...... Aboki wetin dey your bag?....... I say wetin you carry?.........''

P.S: the Flipout Corner is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Presidential Candidate Muhamaddu Buhari; yesterday's man or tomorrow's messiah? A beer parlour narrative!

2014-12-30T06:41:00.003-08:00

It was one of those days, like so many before it, after long hours slaving at work but with admittedly half of those hours spent on Linda Ikeji's blog wondering when the god of Range Rover that did hers would do mine, I somehow meander my vehicle through traffic to my favourite get- away joint.

To avid readers of this blog; that's myself, my mum, my two friends and my dog Wike( to my Rivers people, that's pronounced 'why-k' and not like your future governor's name by any chance) this joint should be as familiar to you as the vivid smell of corruption as you drive though the streets of uptown Abuja!

Ahhhhh, Mama Nkechi's 'Garden of Happiness'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A.K.A Green Bottle Cathedral.

A place where folks gather to let off the pent up frustrations of their slowly ebbing lives in a steaming bowl of ridiculously huge catfish pepper soup and to also see if by any chance they could find the key to their success in life at the bottom of a cold bottle of Star Lager!

If Mama Nkechi, God bless the mother that taught her to cook, knew the number of lives her famous 'Noah's Ark' pepper soup had saved from the interminable frustrations of modern day Nigeria, she'd probably contest for office; LGA Chairman or something.
Lesser folks have been known to rule us in greater offices!

Anyway, this night was no exception and the usual lively ruckus associated with places of ethanol worship as this was already brewing.
The music blaring from the back speakers was one that took me to a time of less responsibility and pressure.
A time of 20Naira gala, 25Naira Coke and 100Naira to a Dollar!

'All the Hausa girls,
Ibo girls,
Even Yoruba girls dem...................................'

Ahh! Like a debt conveniently forgotten, the name of the artiste kept escaping me but the rhythm did its work of shuffling me ever closer to the bar.

His name is Ollie Gee by the way. Song; Daddy Moh!

But as I got close to the bar proper, I noticed the ruckus was a bit more rowdy than usual and I could clearly see a fairly large crowd gathered bang in the centre of the pub over a seemingly dying man.

The man was so skinny, you'd wonder where any catfish with an iota of self esteem would stay.
Apparently, this self respecting piece of fish bone was stuck in his throat and the poor fella was flailing his arms and gasping for breath like the folks at the Rock called Aso drowning in corruption!

''Okoli, 'match' the 'stomuch' '' roared a loud voice from the back.
''I say press this man belle well well''
''Mama Nkechi, is like ya customer haf swallow bone oh'' bellowed the man, though still apparently more interested in the aquatic captive on his plate than for his dying comrade-at-the-bottles!

Luckily for the man, God and a few well practiced compressions to his tummy by the bar's owner ensured the offending piece of bone was dislodged from his wind pipe and all was on its way to been well with the world again!

''Nne, you won't believe it! This same thing do me for 1983 for one joint for Owerri like that!!!'' The fellow who we had all come to know as Hygenius, recounted to Mama Nkechi as he slowly made his way up.

''That time Buhari just pursue Shagari commot for office. In fact Nne, na around this December time sef!''

''Bros Hygenius, this same Buhari wey Twitter say wan contest next 'yeah' so?'' Asked a young man, who couldn't have been a day older than sixteen from the front.

At this point, I'd like to be socially correct and pretend the young fella was sipping on a cold bottle of Fanta but unless in the midst of the fish brouhaha, Fantas now came in large green bottles, I'd say we all, in the revered words of Oristsefemi, let the boy ''Spend his money any way he likes it oh''

''Yes my brother! This same Buhari! Dem fit never born your papa sef that time.''
''As him neck thin now, na so him neck thin that time!''
''One naira, Buhari no thief!''

At this point, Mama Nkechi who usually was more interested in ensuring nobody drank a free bottle 'on her head' joined the discussion.
''No be lie Hygenius, I remember that time well''
''As Buhari dey fight corruption among politicians dem, na so he dey fight indiscipline for the country.''
''Dem no born ya Papa make you no queue for Bus-Stop!''
The entire bar rattled in agreement, at least those old enough to remember.

Just as the din was settling, a slow rattling noise filled the room. It was the sound of Prof, a sinewy elderly man better known at the bar for his taste in girls so young, they were probably not born when he last had a working set of molars, trying to get up with his cane.

''It seems you all have had your memories of Buhari obfuscated by the denudation that time inevitably brings.'' he started impressively but ultimately meaninglessly.

''This Buhari you all herald as a champion of discipline and anti-corruption was nothing but a dictator who hounded politicians and dissidents into the gulag and had his military boys harass ordinary Nigerians into obedience by floggings, executions and frog jumps on the streets!'' he continued.

By God, I could tell from the poorly timed exclamations around the bar that half the patrons did not have the vaguest idea what the elderly gentleman just said.

He could as well have told us all to go take a nap on one of Reno Omokri's much touted GEJ trains for all we cared!

You seen the train? Me neither.

''Do we still have corruption and indiscipline today?''
''Did his much touted economic policies of Buharism work?''
''Apart from failed abductions and extraditions did he achieve anything to gain us international acclaim?'' Prof kept at it never the less.

These were strong words and the Cathedral fell silent as I had never heard in my many years of worship.

We all looked at each other for a response to Prof's very true words and we were all dumbfouned.

But as Aristotle once wisely said ' they're looking for the formula, from here down to South Africa........" or was it Don Jazzy?
Anyway, in life sometimes, where the answer or should we say the formula arises from may be as confounding as the problem!

'Okoli press the stomuch' had taken time to look up from his plate with a look of deep contemplation and spoke.
'But Sir, could we also argue'' he began, in diction so refined that our earlier thoughts that a good portion of his brain lay in his pot belly may have been unfounded after all.

''Could we also argue, that enough time was not given to allow his economic policies bear fruit and indeed in the short term, we witnessed a marked improvement in the behaviour and indeed public composure of Nigerians?''

''Would it be a lie to say that in his time as the Petroleum Trust Fund (PTF) Chairman, evidence of this fund's influence was seen across the country unlike a certain unsure SURE-PEE?''

''More importantly has anyone pointed an accusatory finger of corruption at the good General in all these years?''

''In these difficult times, is this not the sort of leader we need?''

''And please spare me the Islamist propaganda!'' he ended.

''Mama Nkechi.! Mama Nkechi!! Mama Nkechi!!! Give this man stout! I say give this man one big stout!!!!'' yelled the teenage boy as the entire pub broke into 'hmms' and 'ahhhhsss' at 'Okoli's' oration.

As this point, it dawned on us and indeed Mama Nkechi that we still had a grossly under aged boy in our midst at an ungodly hour.

''Oya, Chibuzor come dey go house! Ya Mama don dey fine you!''

Face tired and with drunken legs barely able to hold his weight, the boy staggered to his feet and on his way out quipped '' Mama Nkechi, he be like say Bros Hygenius ( of swallowed bone fame) no dey breath again. Is like your customer haf die oh!!!!!!!!!!''.

No wonder he's been quiet for a while!

P.S: The FlipOut Corner is still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod and still does not hold an opinion and loves all the candidates.

Nigerian Poli-thievians, gate jumping and a worried Christian God!

2014-11-21T01:00:00.004-08:00

I'm not sure what the percentage of Nigerian law makers are Christian but the Christian God must be a very worried being wherever he/she/it (trying really hard to be gender sensitive here) is right about now.

We've read the bible.
We've heard the jokes.
We all assume to know that interrogation at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter is a major process in getting into heaven.

We've still not made up our minds though, on if there's a list where the names of the holy few like yours holily would be read out from or if the video of all our past transgressions would be played via high speed heavenly Internet on a wide screen iPad!

I'm just hoping Gen. Sani Abalcha got to the gates with those dark goggles because the end of his own video would be very strange to say the least.
Very very somehow if I must say.


I'm just gonna say I'm not always that way, Pete!

Anyway, if we're to believe the tales, nobody gets past those gates without a good grilling about their deeds in this world.

So, events in Abuja, Nigeria, in the last 24hrs must have caused a right old storm in the comfy confines of heaven!
Watching pot-bellied old men in starched 'Agbadas' and crisp suits scale the gates of the National Assembly Complex like, as the kids would say, 'Itz nothing', must have set off alarm bells.

If heaven is anything like Nigeria, by now, a committee to look into both the 'remote and close' possibilities of these sprightly Nigerian Poli-thievians scaling the Pearly Gates would have been set up!

Abeg warn those Nigerians. IF WE HEAR!!!!!

On a more serious note (which I'm assuming is -La. -Re and -Mi seem so much more lively, don't you think?), the events at the National Assembly Complex yesterday should be enough to make anyone with even the most vestigial inclination of civility cringe in horror!

In Covenant University English, 'It was like, so totally shocking!'.

The sight of riot-ready police men, spraying canisters of tear gas on the hallowed grounds of Nigerian Legislature left not only a lot to be desired but was a dark mark on democracy as a process and a whole!

It tells us the extent certain folks presently resident at the Rock in Abuja are willing to go to sit tight in office beyond 2015.
The action gives us an insight into their minds and thought process and the picture, just like a butt naked Kim Kardashian, is far from pretty.

But then, as my god friend Bekibele Brume , the Chancellor of Olomu land and the visiting Ambassador from Canada, Romania and the whole of Eastern Europe to Nigeria would say, 'Na see-finish make squirrel climb hunter for forest, call am tree!'

I seriously doubt that the Police and it's executive backers at the Rock have had the audacity to attack the complex in such a brazen manner, if the house was hitherto composed of men and women of impeccable character.

Seeing these so-called Honourables jump gates like petty criminals only serves to buttress my point.

When members of his constituency asked him to take democracy to greater heights, I'm not too sure he totally understood!

The Nigerian Police could have added dry pepper and Calabar beans to the tear gas for all I care but we must always strive to protect democracy but to make our cry about individuals, be it GEJ or Tambowal, would be a gross disservice.

Where do we go from here?
I'm thinking Cold Stone, to get a bowl of my favourite 'Strawberry blond' ice cream mix but since we are in a period of austerity according to Madam Co-ordinating Minister, maybe not.

So instead where we go from here is probably where we've gone already. Getting on the internet, radio, television, newspapers and letting people know that you cannot attack symbols of democracy to satisfy primal desires.

Maybe they listen, maybe they don't but lets spare a thought for the engineers frantically working at the Pearly Gates as we speak trying to fortify it from these sprightly Nigerian Poli-thievians!

P.S: The Flipside of Life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod.

2015: Nigerian politicians and the Alaga Ibile Complex!(Mo fe lowo ju Daddy mi!)

2014-11-01T06:18:00.001-07:00

*Note: some understanding of Nigerian Pidgin English and contemporary culture is needed to understand this work of absolute non-art of mine. Thank you*

For some unfortunate reason, I don't seem to know anyone in Nigerian politics.

Apologies to Uncle Ade Alasco, the Chairman of the Sub-committee on Market Affairs in my village ward.
I see you oh but we talking international money here!

As I was saying, for some reason, no close friend of mine or close friend of my father or even my pastor is or close to anyone in power.
Even if the contract to dey fuel Pastor private jet no dey again, I fit dey escort the plane go South Africa once in a while......................................................................

Anyway, beyond watching the exotic lifestyle of these privileged few and their cohorts from a non- participatory distance, a major fantasy of mine has always been trying to guess the songs booming through the speakers of those luxurious BMW's and Mercedes' used as official cars for these official looters.

Putting myself in the shoes of the drivers of these executive men of means, I would want the first song I dish out as we start the day to be one that totally puts him and his pot belly at complete ease.

No politician wants Idris Abdulkarim's 'Nigeria Jaga Jaga" barking at him in his own car!

Tufia! What's that!!!!!!

I'm going to assume, its Nigerian, and going through all the contemporary Nigerian songs in my head over and over, only one song fits the bill.

Just imagine a Godswhile Akpabion (lovely stadium by the way, Oga Goddy), all regally decked in the backseat, cheeks rosy and shiny enough to be seen from the International Space Station, A.C on 20 degrees, (na poor man wey never acclimatise to good life dey use 16 degrees), and the gentle sonorous whispers of 'Everything is nice...........the party's banging..............the time is right............ I see the money coming.....' wafting from the Bose speakers!

It just feels natural!

It just has to be.

It's the tail end of 2014 and it's three months or so to another festival of thieves and looters also known as General Election 2015.

For the last four years, these custodians of our mandate and automatically our collective purse have ensconed themselves in multi-million naira homes and fed fat on multi billion naira diets which I can only assume includes the Shaki and Edo (not to be mistaken with that beautiful state in the deep South of Nigeria by the Owan River) of Alaskan bears because pepper rice, moin-moin and dodo at Mama Rauf a.ka 'Mama Rice-ing to the occasion', barely sets me back 250 bucks!

Nna, na advise dem dey advise person oh!

In the last four years, they've not had reason to go home, bone tired, but still have to pull on and kick their barely gasping ELEPAQ generators at least 17 and half times before it starts.

That half is when, totally soaked in sweat, you barely pull on the machine and it gives this spluttering sound and you pull the 'choke' to the very extreme end and force the poor engine to work!

Nope, they haven't experienced all these in a while.

Instead, they've become accustomed to been addressed to as 'Your Excellency', 'Your Highness' and 'Chairman' for so long, that life before and beyond the present is impossible for them to imagine.

They've had people like Davido, Kcee and Kwam1 wax their praise in songs that they've forgotten that even Goliath had a praise song back in the day.

The common man on the other hand, in our eagerness to rid ourselves of 15 years of striking poverty and insecurity foisted on us by an apparently clueless ruling party, may find ourselves rushing into the arms of the opposition in the name of 'Change'.
May our case not be like the wife who ran from an emotionally cold husband and found herself in the warm embrace of a man who can only consummate love from behind!.

I honestly have no idea where that analogy came from but I'm just gonna move on and assume you get my drift.

Be it PDP, APC, Labour Party or even the one that has a cock as its emblem........erm.........erm........erm
Nna remind me na?
APGA?
Yes, APGA!!!!!!!!!!
Irrespective of party, if you presently have a president or governor who for every pothole he fills or hospital without doctors he builds, puts up a billboard with a picture of himself smiling like a recently satisfied he-goat, then you my friend, are suffering from been led by a leader with an Alaga Ibile Complex.

Just remember that in 2015, to cast your vote for candidate, irrespective of party, with good antecedents in public and indeed private life as a guide.

As Reminisce, the official Alaga Ibile himself wisely put it, ' Inu laomo, oju la ri'. You only see the face not the intention!

P.S; The Flipout corner and it's two followers are still on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Dear God, things are not alright! (A West African's letter to God. An Ebola plea)

2014-10-12T00:17:00.000-07:00

                                                                                                                          No 1, West Africa

God,

1, Ibukunoluwa Avenue,

Heaven ( possibly very close to America)

   Sir,

   It is I, one of your many many long lost children. My name is Dayo but I'm guessing you know that already.

But hold on oh!

Not the Dayo that attends that Love of world or something church somewhere in Lagos oh!The one with more light skinned women than a Light Up Nigeria T.v commercial and an even lighter skinned pastor who just split from his wife....................Now I'm just rambling.

That Dayo pays his tithe regularly, gives super offerings and generally makes sure pastor's private jet is fuelled and ready to take the gospel to all men!

This Dayo, not so much.

You might be more familiar with him because our Men Of God i.e your men , this side of the world tell us those things matter to you more than purity of the heart.

All my diamonds watching, now my watches getting jealous!

Something tells me it's not very true though!

Sir, you see, I've known you for some time now.
My parents know you.
My parents parents knew you and they all told me great things about you.
Chief amongst them been your heart of forgiveness, loving kindness and how only good things come from you.

Even on those Sunday mornings when I walk into your house with a slight shuffle in my gait, not because like David I was always overjoyed to enter into your house but because I might have had one too many shots of Jack the night before, you still search deep into my soul and sieve out the best in me.

Even when as a whole, the entirety of West Africa has been a cesspit of corruption, mindless civil wars, despots, crime and fraud, a lesser god would have cut his losses, set a wildfire upon the land and then act all surprised when the cops come around for questioning.
But not you sir!

Though,we've had many losses, You've always kept West Africa away from total collapse.

For that we thank you.
This Ebola though, we do not understand.

The fact that our leaders siphon money meant for developing and maintaining public health systems is a given and that we understand.

Infact, Chief Theophilus 'ThisLifeTooSweet' Ajayi, our Federal Senator was in the village the other day to inspect his country villa currently under construction.

You should see the house Baba, it is a magnificent sight alongside the villagers huts and we are so proud of him.

But how does that translate to our inability to stop this Ebola scourge that is clearly a plague from the Devil!

We also understand that though quality education is on the government's list of development goals, it's probably farther down that list than a pair of jeans on an upcoming Nigerian artist's behind!

But then again, how does poor education and irrational thinking aid the spread of this deadly virus? We truly do not know but what we know is that the Devil is a liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We have lost thousands Daddy.

Last count was about 4000 across Guinea, Liberia, Sierra Leone and Nigeria.

CNN has even constructed a special Ebola map for us as if living here with it was not enough reminder, but we thank them.

The Americans, who are technically our brothers since we are all your children, have helped a bit.
They could do more though but even I stopped picking Hakeem, my brother's call, when every casual call to 'check on me' always ended with a 'quick favour'.

But beyond sending soldiers and increasing airport screening, they could actually consider helping to strengthen the health systems of the key countries.

By the way, since Heaven is so close to America, could you help us, the poor people of West Africa, ask Mr Obama why every AMERICAN patient treated in AMERICA survives the virus?

Amma just sit by this cup of hot Lipton and await the answer.

Finally Lord I don't know if you've come across any of my prayer requests.

Pastor says I can donate to purchase something for the church a.k.a himself and then watch as my request gets to you faster than it allegedly took Governor's Fayose's thugs to land a backhand on Oga judge's face in Ekiti State.

Let it be on record that I only allegedly supervised the slapping!

Top on the list was an American visa.

Top on the list is still an American visa.

But you gotta act fast and stop this Ebola, those embassy boys ain't playing no more!

Yours faithfully,
Dayo,
Your West African son.

The curious case of Goodluck Jonathan!

2014-08-29T04:35:00.001-07:00

I've never been a shoe man!
I've always seen them as nothing more than an entrapment for our feet with which we step on the soil.
I honestly doubt if I've ever owned two decent pairs at the same time at any point in my life.
Infact, if I had my way, apart from buying Dencia an umbrella to protect her skin from the sun, I'd probably be waltzing through the streets of Lagos care free and shoeless like a half crazed, beach seeking Cele priest!
It's no surprise we have laws to keep us from having our way most of the time.

Anyway, little wonder I got drawn to President Jonathan during his first campaign for office.
The thought of a little shoeless Joe, all shiny black skinned, with his little weeny bowler hat safely harnessed on his head like a flying saucer made from cotton, wool, linen or whatever in God's name those horrid hats are made from, fishing rod in one hand and the latest edition of Ikebe Super in the other was a draw too strong for me and I believe many other Nigerians.
By the way, there's a 25-40 year old man somewhere in Nigeria as we speak sweating bucket loads as he tries his utmost best to lie as he is been quizzed by his 5year old son about Ikebe Super!

Ikebe Who??????????????? Ikebe What??????????????

God be watching you live and in HD on those new curved Samsung TV's my brother!

Anyhoo, we saw Oga Joe not only as one of us but indeed us.
The humble man from the backwaters who rose to be king.
Otuokpe could be Iyin in Ekiti State or Obiaruku in Delta for all we cared.
For a minute and half or so, we envisioned ourselves, not in our dreary, sweltering, mosquito infested apartments but about to step foot into the Presidential Villa.
The Villa, where we had heard great fables about Chewey, the imported Pakistani mountain goat in the Aso Zoo who usually had coffee alongside his breakfast on cold mornings.

Omo, see life!!!!!!!!

We told ourselves that because we had seen suffering up close and could recognise it in the dark, we would not get carried away by this new found tax payer funded opulence.
That just like Patoranking stuck to his Girlie 'who loved him when he had no dime', we would remember the people on the streets.
We thought that hard work and indeed goodluck had finally brought us or at least a man very much like us into power.
It's been years of Oga Joe's rules and it seems, just like Portiphar did when he felt he could trust his wife alone at home with a hunky Joseph, we thought wrong!

The people on the street are as poor as they've ever been.
The people on the streets are as hungry as they've ever been.
And whoever told you a hungry man never bothered nobody probably never met Terry G in the early days!

The people are angry not only because they can't afford to feed but because of a growing disconnect between a man they trusted and the close to a 100 million stuck in the mire of 'Squalor Nigeria'.
The poor don't care about mathematical speeches on macro-econimics.
The poor sure as hell don't care if our GDP is large enough to fit Banky W's head like a cap.

Adamu in Gwoza does not care about newly found oil fields in Bayelsa. He wonders why he has been left to his fate to possibly die a cruel death in the hands of bandits.

Chijioke in Orlu does not care if Hyundai has started coupling plastic cars somewhere in Lagos. It's not like he's ever gonna afford one in his life time anyway.
He wonders why his wife had to die at childbirth alongside many others in his town.

Sarah in her dingy little hair dressing salon powered by a Tiger generator that had definitely seen better days and was now coughing up its last spurts of black poisonous fumes, wonders where the humble man who had promised to make life, even if not for her but at least for her young daughter better, had disappeared to.

Her generator had been working way before Oga Joe's tenure and seemed destined to work long after.

This man was no Patoranking.

A well fed, self praising Timaya more like!

To say the GEJ administration has not attempted some good would be grossly unfair. The policies have just not benefited the poor majority who fought on his side during the heady days of succession or no succession.

Instead, we have a group of newly minted Nigerians, probably less than a thousand of them, feeding fat on our ever increasing GDP.

With an election year fast approaching, it would be wise to remember that this new breed of fancy suit wearing, G-Wagon driving Nigerians would probably spend election Saturday sleeping off a Friday night of drunken debauchery while Adamu, Sarah and Chijioke, despair on face and revenge in mind, populate that voting queue.

P.s: She love me for very long time,
      Long time,
      She love me when me get no dime
           -Patoranking.

Follow the The Flipout Corner @doctorrotcod

Female suicide bombers and their equal opportunity employers!

2014-07-29T05:33:00.000-07:00

My Great-Grandmother Olori (that's Queen of Africa,to my ignorant American readers) Beatrice must be dancing Sekem in her grave right about now.
All 200 and something pounds of her!
In her day,a woman's place was a tiny 8 by 8 square metres of prime real estate where the family's meal originated from.
And after toiling all day to feed a horde of ravenous children; and I mean feed!!!!! Not in this day of Indomie,two eggs and one Chivita; she had to then proceed to the bedroom to fulfil her other obligation to her fully fed husband and master!
And as Martin Luther King once famously said just before the start of the Second World War, a fully fed man odikwa equal to two he-goats!
They're weren't female doctors, lawyers, accountants, biochemists or engineers at the top of their game in Olori Beatrice's day.
And they sure were no female bankers dressed in skirts so mini, guys be coming into the banking halls just to 'crosscheck' if they used a black or blue pen to sign their last cheque about a month ago!

My dear, I think the 'O' in OKafor in my name was spelt as Zero, Okwa!

Regardless of how the foreign media tries to portray Nigeria as a backward nation of girl slaves,the fact remains that Nigeria has one of the highest number of high achieving,well educated women.
Women with good education,values and a sense of self worth, who can stand head to head with with any in the world.
Women who have fought hard to break barriers and put themselves in good stead to compete with anyone.
So when news broke that teenage girls were been used on a suicide bombing orgy around the streets of Kano yesterday, my heart sunk!
Sunk to depths lower than the catfish pond behind my house; no more wasting money at Mama Nkechi's joint. If Adam could cook his own dinner while Eve was frolicking with the devil,who am I not to???
Anyhoo, no suicide bomber is good; man,woman, boy, girl or donkey.
Yep!Donkeys!
Apparently the Palestinians use donkey suicide bombers.
I'll give them an A for twisted minded ingenuity.
You can't be a coffee drinking,newspaper reading dude to come up with that.

Duration and purpose of visit please?

Anyway,if the insurgents in the North-East oppose female upliftment, education and portray them as the infinitely weaker sex but see nothing wrong with using them at the forefront of their war,that's double standards as not seen since the days of paedophile priests!
I just hope and pray that some form of brainwashing and coercion involving the kidnapped girls is not at play here.
Really pray!
The wave of bombings in Kano involving teenage girls opens up a new frontier in this madness.
One that completely takes away the innocence from those we strive to protect.
We love our women in Nigeria and they typically tend not to get as thoroughly frisked or harassed at check points but in this day and age of terrorism,Sunny Nneji was right about something; 'This Ikebe fit put e you for trouble'

P.S: To all the Indomie cooking wives out there who keep 9-5 jobs, take care of the kids and still manage to stay sane,you all are the real heroes!
Pls follow the FlipSide of Life on twitter @doctorrotcod

The man who saw tomorrow;Ayo Fayose and the Rice of the PDP!

2014-07-05T04:43:00.001-07:00

For those familiar with the machinations(Somebody get me Konga.com NOW NOW!A bottle of their finest hair gel for Pastor Kris Okotie) of this blog,you probably are used to this by now.
Me disappearing for weeks on end without writing jack squat or writing something as unsatisfactory as a Patience Jonathan W.A.E.C English essay might have been.
Might have been I say.
You never know with these things.
Its just like when stutterers sing fluently.
For all we know,little Miss Patience might have been a little Ikwerre Shakespeare.
Writing ballards and shit!

Tell them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most times its easy and convenient to blame the absence on work pressure from other sources but truth be told,half the time I just run short on ideas.
No matter how much I cajole the brain to function,it just comes back emptier than Etcetera's music awards gallery.
Etce who??????????????
As my mother would say,na so dem dey ask person!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, writing about the continous cycle of bombs,raids and deaths in Nigeria gets disheartening real quick.
And as myself and other delegates in the 'Garden of Happiness' parliament suggested earlier this week,only if we could get Tiwa Savage to go easy on the make-up.
The girl wears enough make-up to bring peace to the Middle East or at the very least,Borno State!
Any road,the elections in Ekiti state about two weeks back caught my eye.
And if my stunning looks does not give away he fact that I'm an Ekiti man,I wonder what will?
Against all expectation,Ayo Fayose,the once accused phantom poultry farmer,was once again elected governor.
I had the opportunity of watching Mr Fayose storm to the Ekiti State Government house in the early years of democracy till he ran 'fowl' of the law and was deposed.
His method was simple.
While his opponents serenaded the crowd with promises of high sped rail,Wi-fi coverage and flying cars,he simply did the needful.
He identified a need and filled it.
At the time,Ekiti State was suffering a water supply shortage that would have made the Israelite wilderness travails seem like a day in the life of Davido!
He simply hired water tankers and supplied towns and villages with water free to villagers who had been left to trekking to streams for their supplies like a bunch of confused young girls in a Nollywood movie.
By the way, a word for those girls.
If by now you do not know that the village rapist usually chills by the foot path to the stream then you probably don't know shit!
So Mr Fayose went from hamlet to village to town distributing water.
And as absurd as this may sound,somewhere at the back of the mind of the voters they probably felt that if he could distribute water as a candidate,as Governor,they would surely have water flowing into their homes and maybe even one of those Japanese toilets that supposedly splash some water on your behind once you done.
We all know what happened after he got into office don't we?
Its all water under the proverbial bridge now though.
So,when pictures of the PDP distributing mini-bags of rice to the people surfaced on the Internet just before this round of elections,it was obvious he was simply trying a tried and tested pattern.
I mean,if something worked for you in the past,why change it?
Except if you're Cabo-Snoop of course.

Those skinny jean only take you so far bro!

Any change,Fayose seemed to have identified the crippling poverty and hunger facing the people.
Not just in Ekiti but across the length and breadth of this country and chose to pick on it this time around.
Contrary to what they might tell you,a hungry man is very rarely an angry man.
Confused,docile,amenable to easy manipulation and generally willing to sell his birthright more like.

At least Esau's was cooked already.This one's will still buy oil,pepper and Maggi!

Fayose had and still has no plans for Ekiti development but he won in a landslide.
And that hurts.
For a state once revered for having more professors than all the high school graduates put together in Sokoto State..................................Sorry...............Hold on one second...................Mr Commissioner for Education Sokoto on the line?.............Hello.............Those are 1962 figures you say?..................Ehen?
Seriously though,the opposition needs to know that beyond development and infrastructure,politics of the belly is also vital.
You need to satisfy peoples short term needs to have them believing in your long term goals.
No amount of flower planting can placate a hungry man.
Except their edible flowers though.
There's another election coming up in Osun State and Iyiola Omisore the PDP candidate in between mouthfuls of corn seems to be borrowing a leaf from the Fayose Ekiti playbook

Only in the Third World would this men be contesting for public position.

If Asiwaju Tinubu and the APC do not want to lose their stranglehold on the SouthWest,I can only urge them to in the immortal words of Lax ft Wizkid...........
Ginger oh...................
Ginger................
Ginger oh.................
Ginger.............

P.S: the flipside of life is on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Brazil 2014; Sand,Sex and Soccer!

2014-06-12T06:30:00.001-07:00

Growing up as a young teenage boy, I had simple dreams; I had two idols in this world and I knew more than anything that I wanted to be like them when I was grown.
I had to be like them!
It was either I grew up to be like iconic soccer star, David Beckham, complete with ridiculous hair style and a skinny model girlfriend or like Brooklyn rapper,Jay-Z.
I already had a big nose and lips thick enough to seal a burst NNPC oil pipe ,so, obviously Jay wasn't going to be that hard an act to follow.
Some kids in my clique though,...............brothers be tripping!
Some of them had the weirdest aspirations in life .
Some even grew up wanting to be Emirs.
I'm like 'Wow!Get out of here!'
Riding fancifully dressed horses and wearing turbans so tight one could barely give a nod and a wink in them?
That was waaaaaay outta my dream zone.
Needless to say,I've neither painted European soccer leagues red with goals nor had my ass whooped on an elevator while folks like Sanusi Lamido Sanusi seem to have achieved their lifelong dream of mumbling through a turban while addressing people.

We can't hear you at the back!

So,on the dreams actualization scale,mine appears to have been relegated to the back row,like all the black people at a T.B Joshua church service.
What's up with that by the way?
Stumbled upon an episode the other day on the telly and I could have sworn I was watching a church service holding in Latvia or some far flung Eastern European country.
Not until I saw four black apparently confessing witches running up from way back in the auditorium did I know that I was infact home.
And when I say way back in the auditorium, I mean waaaaaaaaaaaaay back.
I could barely make out Jim Iyke's long head far back on row 246.
I hear he's a top member now by the way.
Me thinks that with the black folks seated so far back,it would be wise to have a small taxi service for those on the spot deliverances.
Maybe those funny golf carts,what say you Oga Josh!
Anyhoo, it's fair to conclude that I'm neither a soccer nor rap star and the closest I've come to a star is the cold bottle I indulge myself with 3 working nights a week,every alternate Saturday and alternate Sundays at Mama Nkechi's 'Garden of Happiness'.
It's always a place to unwind and let loose.
Although,in the last few weeks we've had to keep one eye on our beers and the other on the road just in case a nutter with a few loose screws and an explosive laden vehicle happened to chance on our drinking hole.
Yesterday though was a hoot and a half!
All we wanted to talk about was the upcoming World Cup in Brazil.
For the next month,the biggest sporting party in the world would be held in its party capital!
For one month,soccer,samba and sand would morph into one incredible orgy of excitement!

And we wonder why he can't play no more..................

The best soccer teams in the world vying for the ultimate crown.
Heavyweights like Brazil,Argentina,Spain and Germany would be there battling for soccer victory in glorious sunshine.
Africa has sent its mandatory quota of five countries and we hope that unlike the black man who for some reason unknown to me always gets eaten first by the shark in horror movies,Africa's reps would respect themselves and at least survive the first round!
Unlike other World Cups though,Brazil promises to offer much more to visitors than just soccer.
It's a country as large and diverse as the boiling pot of 'Noah's Ark' pepper soup I could see from the corner of my eye at the end of Mama Nkechi's restaurant!
Glorious beaches,colourful carnivals and beautiful women.
Little wonder the first thing the Nigerian Football Supporters' Club asked for after securing their visas was 62 million condoms.
62 million!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You'd be hard pressed to find a merrier bunch of pervs!

As my friend Jude said, even if they planned to take a boat to Djibouti, you know that part of the African map that looks like a horn,line up and then sleep with all the women diagonally up to Rabat,Morocco, at the very end of the African map, I doubt if they would finish 62 million rubbers!
If Emeka was there;by the way, Emeka is that annoying guy in every group of friends who seems to stay up all night studying up on ways to suck the life out of every party,Emeka would have bored us to death with facts on how Brazil had transformed itself from a drowning 3rd world slum to an emerging world economic power in about 25years.
We'd probably have shut him up with a flaming bowl of pepper soup but still gone home and wondered where Nigeria got it all wrong.
I for one plan to enjoy every single moment of this tournament.
From boring pluck out your eyes matches involving counties like Honduras to exciting swashbuckling games involving giants like Nigeria, I hope to savour it all.
And if this is your first World Cup either due to age, lack of interest or like my mechanic Rauf who honest to God had no idea of such a competition said 'Oga,we no dey get that one for B.C.O.S for Oshogbo oh'
Just sit down,relax , watch with innocent wonder and don't bother trying to predict the winner.
The same sense of wonder I had when on my first visit to the Garden of Happiness, Mama Nkechi calmly told me she called her pepper soup 'Noah's Ark' because it contained 'all the animals'.
I'm still trying to figure out which animals exactly!
P.S:Super Eagles to win it!
T.B Joshua don seen it!
Follow The Flipside of Life on twitter @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:#Doro Boko, thieves of girls and other stories!

2014-05-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

I've never really had a love for dreams.
Even as a kid,my dreams were always vivid and scary.
So it came as no surprise to me when just the other day I woke up screaming and totally soaked in sweat and gasping for breath due to what I had just witnessed in dreamland.
It started pretty mildly enough,with me in my living room watching the video to Don Jazzy's new hit single Dorobucci.
Don Jazzy took the first verse,all 120kg of fat in him trying to dance while at the same time trying to look cool.
It went pretty well but you would not believe for all the oil fields in the Niger-Delta who took the next verse!
It was my Commander-in-Chief,all decked up,complete with bowler hat looking like a Sudanese school teacher 30 years out of vogue.
'Doro Boko,(ehn ehn)
Doro Mad, (ehn ehn)
Doro Crazy, (ehn ehn)
Doro Terror, (ehn ehn)
Doro carry any girl wey Doro see oh oh,
Doro bomb anybody wey Doro jam ehn ehn,
Doro Haram,
e be like say we no fit catch am,
Doro mad pass militants wey don dey mad before'

My Physiology teacher back in the day ,God rest his soul, always believed that your dreams were a fair reflection of your environment and your present thoughts and preoccupation.
In a crazy country, you definitely would dream crazy dreams.
Its been a month or so to remember or to forget,depending on how you view disasters.
My Psychology teacher used to say....................you know what,he was never the sharpest tool in the box, so I'm just gonna skip what he said and save you some megabytes.
But my emotions in the last month have ranged from surprise to fright for the nation at the level of terror pervading the land to fright for the level of intelligence of our leaders and their cronies to just a pure 'get me outta here' feeling.
Well.................................to be honest though the 'get me outta here' moment really had nothing to do with the events in the nation.
I think that was the weekend my car broke down, dead centre of the Third Mainland bridge with not a soul in sight apart from two Mermaids crying about how the hot new Merman from River Benue used and dumped both of them!
Benue people though!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anyway, I've not had to follow so much drama in a short space of time since I stopped watching 'Keeping up with the Kardashians'.
How their male partners do not realise that their careers and lives always go down the drain after stepping foot on that show is way beyond me, my beef for them and my barely five figure salary.
Anyhoo, two bombings, a kidnapping, a presidential media chat for the ages and a very First Lady like outpouring of grief later, we somehow are still here.
Still going about our daily lives.
Still not too exhausted to start our generators in the evenings to follow the madness on the news.
Still alive.
Tensed and scared.
But somehow still alive.
Musa Yaro up north wakes up every morning and prepares to go to the office,farm or grazing fields and wonders if he would make it back home in one piece while Gbenga Okonkwo down south glances in alarm at every very dark skinned fellow with an accent slightly different from his who dares to sneeze with his arms outstretched;wondering if this was the day terror came South!
But strangely we seem to have gotten used to the killings and bombings
The daily murders been committed by the infamous 'unknown gunmen' up North have become little more than happenings in a remote part of our land.
We know it's there but we refuse to truly acknowledge it.
In fact,very much like the famous 'Expo' of days gone by,you know its tucked somewhere in your inner thigh but you don't dare glance at it until you totally have to!
But the kidnappings?
That shook us!
276,220,210,even 2,whatever the number.
The fact that young innocent girls could be boarded up into trucks like feverishly excited University of Benin girls been taken taken for an Igbinedion(Lucky or Gabriel,take your pick) after party and carried away in the dead of the night was too much to bear.

Even Nollywood agrees!

Even if it happened in the Northernmost border of Nigeria.
Even if it happened at the bottom of Lake Chad or just across the border from the Palace of the Oba of Mali,the fact that it happened within our borders and our government said nothing for three weeks appears to have stunned and shook us in equal measure.
Nigeria,a nation of 'It-is-wellers' and passive-aggressives,poured its people out unto the streets to speak out in one voice to #BringOurGirlsBack.
World leaders have taken turns to express disgust at the act and also express support for the Nigerian government in its quest to get these girls back.
Nigerian celebs have also taken to twitter,more in an effort to gain publicity than anything else but we thank them all the same.

A placard with an hash tag would have done just fine bro.Just fine!

CNN has made casting Nigeria as a whole in bad light as its next God sent mission.
In a week when Nigeria was supposed to get all the world's media attention from hosting the World Economic Forum,CNN chose to portray us as a nation of terror and for that we also thank them.
We know that the next plane crash,earthquake or landslide somewhere would get them scampering off like my Etisalat data plan;here today,gone tomorrow!
Anyway,Something tells me we'll get those girls back.
Every one of them.
Not a hair out of place.
Not a scar on the face.

Oga Bola,na only you write this thing?You for ask person na!

Why am I so confident?
Because there is indeed God and good always prevails over evil and secondly.....................................the Americans just sent Jack Bauer!
#Doro Bauer!

P.S:@drsid, I serioously doubt that your 'knack' line.With that pot belly?????????Nigger please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Follow the flipside of life @doctorrotcod

A missing plane,an immigration test,Nigeria's magical mathematics and other stories!

2014-04-13T09:29:00.003-07:00

It's been a while I tell you!
A real long time.
Maybe not as long as we have had to wait for Knaan to release another hit song since 'Waving flag' but long enough!
Don't you dare laugh Skuki,don't you dare!

I'm not one to hate on young men hustling.So,I'm just gonna put this picture here and see if you folks remember them.

A lot of water has passed under the proverbial bridge and if you're one of those who prefer animal idioms,like my cousins Ram-sey and Lion-el(oh!!!!!I see!),a lot of goats have indeed escaped from the pen since I last wrote.
Talking about goats,my pet goat,Ukambo,just delivered the most amazingly adorable kids you're ever likely to see across the length and breadth of this beautiful country of ours.
Excluding Borno,Yobe and Adamawa of course!
I doubt if anyone would willingly risk life and limb by going to those states just to prove they can find better looking baby goats than mine.
Anyway,all sorts have have happened in the past month or so and like a Mr Biggs pizza,none of them good.
First,we woke up to the Nigerian Immigration Service trying to make more money off already raving poor young Nigerians in the name of a recruitment drive.
I happened to drive by the stadium on said morning and for the life of me thought there was either a soccer game on or rapture had taken place and for some strange reason the National Stadium Lagos was the...................erm.......erm..... transit station or something.

Changed my mind.Too many black men.Cannot be rapture!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And like it wasn't bad enough to fleece them,they had to kill a couple probably just for laughs.
It was like back in the day when you weren't satisfied till you heard that slurping sound at the end of a Ribena pack!
The NIS guzzled those poor young Nigerians to their deaths with poor planning and then offered their family members paltry jobs at the end.
Like somewhere in the minister's village jobs could somehow replace life.
Even the once famous Okija priest at the height of his powers would have found that hard to do!
Sad.
Very sad indeed!
Maybe not as sad or maybe just as sad as what family members of the victims of the crashed/hijacked/missing/used for ritual sacrifice Malaysian Airline MH370 plane must be going through right now.
It sort of opens your eyes to how vast the Earth really is.
And how small and insignificant man is against the sheer force and will of nature and fate.
By the way,that's exactly what I told the first girl I ever laid my 'A' game on.
Needless to say,I've never tried that 'nature' pick-up line since.
Not much of a winner I tell you.
Not much of a winner!
Anyway,various countries and superpowers have tripped over themselves trying to help with the search.
All sorts of fancy search planes,ships and futuristic gizmo have been unleashed.
Even China,with all it's obviously 'Made in China' equipment have indeed been on the forefront of the search,squinty eyes and all!
Picking up pings and locating plane debris where none existed.
China reminds me of that kid back in Uni whose Dad had just stuck his knife in the National cake.
From fellowship to beer parlour to club,everybody must know say levels don change.
But as my father would say,it's all in the effort!
And for that,Chinaman,we salute you.
We now know though,that whichever way the saga of the missing plane ends,we only hope and pray that the families get closure.
And maybe more importantly,Nollywood does not make a movie out of it!
And that my friends is the truth.

Oga Chico Ejiro,who am I to say you should not eat!!!!!!!

What is a lie though,a raging lie if I might add,is the current attempt to bamboozle Nigerians with talk of increased 'GDP' and how we apparently are now the largest economy in Africa and trying to equate this mathematical magic with an improved standard of living for the average Nigerian.
The day I go to the club and pop champagne with a wallet full of 'GDP' without 'Tiger',that's 'Mr Tiger' to you by the way,not make me do the frog jump across the Lekki-Ikoyi bridge with a dozen Moet on my head,that would be the day ,my friends,that would be the day.
And I'm sure that my gate man Haruna and his seven children have far less important needs like food,clean water,decent education keeping them up at night than mine.
GDP does not put food on the table.
In other climes it might.
But Nigeria,Africa's giant is not other climes,so it doesn't.
Nigerians do not know the effect of an ever increasing Gross Domestic Product on their lives and trying to sell that would be a lie.
Gross Domestic Poverty,that we know.
And just like King Solomon 'knew' all the fine chicks in Israel back in the day,that we know very well!!

P.S:Shout out to Tiger.You never made me frog jump now did you.But you did threaten!You sure did threaten!

Follow the flipside of life on twitter @doctorrotcod and holla for all your creative writing and copy writing needs.

Nigeria,before the 100 years.A prequel!

2014-03-07T08:05:00.000-08:00

No Primary or Secondary school Social Studies examination worth it's salt or any other condiment for that matter was and I hope is still complete without a question on the amalgamation of Nigeria or who the first Governor-General of Nigeria was.
And folks like myself,who knew that bad as e bad,the question was always gonna 'come out' would tick 1914 or the name Lord Lugard with great relish like renown scholars and go on racking our brains on the 20 blank answer options before and after the 'Lugard' question.
But I can tell you without any fear of contradiction or fear of being brandished a liar,that Lord Frederick Dealtry Lugard,or D-wizzle as the boys used to call him,was a really pissed of man in the spring of 1912 when word filtered to him that he was to be redeployed to West Africa and in particular to the sandy emptiness of Northern Nigeria.
At that time my friends,Fred was then serving and without a doubt putting his feet up as the 14th Governor-General of Hong Kong.
The world was his oyster and Oga Lugard planned to take it.
Infact word has it that Lugard's favourite song was indeed Oritsefemi's 'Double Wahala" and he would spend hours on the Hong Kong marina miming to it.

You dey jeje dey hate me as I am chopping my money.From London to Malaysia...............................................

Must have been a good time;nice weather,servants,not so beautiful women though but Fred wasn't a looker either and I doubt if he was the picky type.
To be fair to him,he had paid his dues earlier.Previously serving as the High Commissioner of Northern Nigeria between 1900 and 1906 and in between fighting the Emir of Kano and the Sultan of Sokoto on one end and battling the exhaustive heat of the Savannah,the sand flies and the never ending diet of the hardest meat he had ever had,Oga Fred must have been happier than a well fed pig in Kano when he was hurled off to HongKong.
So you can very well imagine his horror when he was told he had to pack it in and head back to the then Northern Protectorate of Nigeria.
If you can't imagine his horror,then imagine Skale's mother having just finished listening to her son's entire album(what mother's have to put with it ehn!!!!!!!!!!!!) and wondering if she should risk eternity in hell and tell him how great the album was or just call a spade by its first name,sit the boy down and buy him a JAMB form before he turns 30 and jobless!

Tell them jor!God that gave Dr Sid a hit song will surely do your own too.

Anyway,Lord Lugard headed back,suit case in one hand and the lovely Flora Shaw on the other,to complete the one mandate given to him by the Lords back home in dreary Britain;the amalgamation of the British Empire's greatest cash cow,the Northern and Southern Protectorates of Nigeria.
Two completely different people.
In religion,character and indeed physicality.
Even Lugard himself described one party as solemn and conservative and the other as boisterous,carefree,vain,lacking little sense of veracity and in his words like a spoilt favourite child.
But this was a business project and no amount of diversity would derail it.
It wasn't about the locals convenience.
It was about bringing development and to provide resources and cheap labour to resource poor Britain.
It wasn't easy but Fred,just like he did when toasting his wife Flora Shaw, got the job done.
And the fact that he had to even wait till1918 as Governor-General of the newly unified colony grated him everyday.
Infact it is on record that on the day he was to leave the country finally,Fred had started off on his own,swimming down the Atlantic Ocean in a frantic battle between man and wave to get back to Britain.
Indeed,he was said to have jumped in around the Mansard head office end of the Bar Beach just before where Kuramo dey before(for those more familiar with the Kuramo description*wink wink*) and the ship was said to have caught up with him somewhere betweeen Badagry and Cotonou..
Okay it's not on record but neither is our missing 20 billion dollars!
We may look on with disgust at the ridiculous expense incurred during the centenary celebrations in Abuja and wonder what on earth we were celebrating.
Like those annoying folks who throw lavish parties for 28th,47th or 52nd birthdays.
We may wonder if the French president.Francois Hollande,did not have anything better planned for his Thursday night than to wine and dine in a country that had just lost about 50 young souls to murderers.
We may wonder and like Sammie Okposo,we may never know
Anyhoo,we have since tried to make the best of our forced union.
The colony has indeed transformed to a country.
We have had our ups and downs.
We have indeed had development.
We have had regressions.
We have infact had a war.
We have gained international acclaim for literature,sport,science and art.
We have also gained international disdain for fraud,bombings and kidnapping.
We have had it all but yet we still dey like an uninspiring but never really bad Tuface song.
And even when we nod and agree with many things Idris Abdulkarim sang on his hit record 'Jaga Jaga',we still wake up at 2a.m to watch the Super Eagles play.
We hate this country and we love this country.
The last 100 years have belonged to looters,foreign and domestic.

Una do well!

The next 100 years should belong to us!

P.S:pls follow on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Sanusi Lamido ,NNPC,the camel and the straw!

2014-02-21T04:00:00.002-08:00

Nobody does Nollywood like Pete Edochie and no one does Pete Edochie like Pete Edochie.
Wherever Oga Pete is right now he can rest assured that God has indeed reserved a mansion for him in Nollywood heaven.
And if his preference is an apartment building with 24 units of four bedroom apartments like those horrid ones in Onitsha,he can also rest assured that our God is able-as Joel Osteen says,our God is indeed modern and pliable.
But more importantly,may God bless you for two things;one,for that fantastically cultured beard you have.
Lesser men have tried to keep a goatee as fabulous and have failed.
Failed miserably I tell you.
And secondly,for all your proverbs.
A proper Pete Edochie movie is never complete without a couple of proverbs.
Relevant or otherwise.
Even if Kanayo.O Kanayo had just hung himself on a tree at the village square because yet another village maiden just jilted him(they all do that for a reason Kanayo.They all do!), only Oga Pete would stroll past,stare meanly and look up at the tree and mutter something utterly silly like "a tree cannot make a forest except Amadioha refuses to give other trees a chance"

True Legend!

So when I woke up early this morning to the news of Dr Goodluck.J finally wielding the big stick and suspending the Central Bank Governor,Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(we heard the first Sanusi bro,we ain't deaf), it was obvious a 20 billion dollar straw had indeed broken the camel's back!
Mr Sanusi had a great run as the Central Bank Governor since 2009.
Cleaning up a banking industry on the verge of collapse,bringing inflation under 10% and stopping the Intercontinental Oceanic's of this world from using our hard earned kobos to buy private jets for their sons,mistresses and pastors to throw not so private parties.
More importantly,he opened our eyes to how opaque (pronounced o-peik, opakwe is my grandmother's dog) our financial system in relation to the National Oil Corporation was,is and will probably continue being.
If reincarnation were a thing,I'd give a front tooth just to come back as a smoke detector.so I could compare the murkiness and fog in the accounting offices of the NNPC and Jesse Jagz's recording studio!

Oliver Khan,she's a keeper!(What a line!and they say doing drugs is bad for you.Silly mutts!)

The man was not only ruffling feathers,he was also attempting to pluck out the feathers completely.
And as my mum used to say,if you talk too much while plucking a chicken,the feathers only attach back pronto.
Was SLS a saint?
No one is!
He had his failings.
He was probably too dramatic for the office he held.
Probably too political to be objective.
And hang me by my feet and call me a piglet, a dress sense so bad it was almost a joke.

I hear the horse could not make it through his office door!

As Pete Edochie would say,every story has a moral and Sanusi Lamido must know by now that trying to throw a beam of light into the darkness of Nigerian corruption is as useless as M.I Abaga wearing flats at a Reinhard Bonke revival!
As of today,the double named man trying to expose the cesspit that is the NNPC has just had its content splashed on his face.
Your move Mr Sanusi Lamido Sanusi!

P.S : Pls follow the flipout corner on the twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Too poor to be Gay!(happy)

2014-01-25T03:08:00.004-08:00

Somewhere in Lagos,on a hot,humid evening at a bar down the road,the flipout corner chose to take a break.
This particular watering hole was where the young ones come to cool off after another predictably hard day in the never ending urban rat race.
Here,the major attractions contradict themselves;the drinks are cold and the women are hot!
Eyes tired,ties loosened,high heels replaced with more comfortable flats and Chidinma's 'Emi ni Baller' blaring through the speakers in an attempt to reinvigorate flagging spirits.
Unfortunately,it was the remix and we had to bear the tedium of Wizkid's mumblings for about two minutes but all in all it was turning out to be a good night.
Bang in the centre of the room,a group was gradually becoming the focus of attraction.
The topic was one that,depending on your side of the divide,could get you imprisoned in modern day Nigeria or on the obverse,could get you denied an entry visa at major Western embassies.

You 'happy'? If you no 'happy',no entry!

There were three main actors.
A twenty-something year old man;suave,complete with his suit and really expensive 'looking' shoes and swinging the keys to his apparently newly bought(with a work place loan I'm sure) Toyota something-something so wildly for all to see that you could feel the wind emanating from the swing at the back of the room!
There were no prices or scholarships offered for guessing he was a Lagos banker.
The second guy had the worn out look of a guy in his mid-thirties,down on his luck and who increasingly wonders if it's too late to swim to Europe and wash dishes like his friend Ikenna did ten years ago.
Ikenna is a Chief in the village now mind you!
Don't ask me how I know,I just do!
All of a sudden we are punctuated by the sonorous voice of Sean Tizzle dishing out his usual dose of 4 or 5 lines in a song but damn does 'Mama Eh' make it sound good.
The third guy?You know what?I really don't know.
The guy could have trekked down from the Mainland for all I care.
Gradually, we all drop our drinks,shift our gazes surreptitiously to where the conversation was emanating from and had our eyes trained on our smart phones with all seriousness like we were chatting with the guy about to find a cure for Cancer.

Lagos Banker : .....................Are you really saying there are no gay people in Nigeria?

Worn out Guy : Exactly! It's not part of our culture.There are no homosexuals in this country.That's what they were called when I was growing up!

Lagos Banker : You don't say! When I was growing up, they were called thieves, now they're just called Politicians.
That's not the point anyway.Being gay is not something you decide, it's not a choice. They don't.........

Worn-Out Guy : Come,come,come!!!!!!! Don't just go there.My friend,don't go there at all.
What do you mean? Have you ever seen a he-goat or a he-dog sleep with another male?
(Turns to 3rd guy) Abi,what do you think?

3rd Guy : Yes,Yes I agree with you.

Lagos Banker : Are we now animals.I thought our highly developed brains took us above that level.
Being gay or as you crudely refer to it,homosexual,is not a disease. It's something you're born with.

Worn-Out Guy : What Medical School did you finish from again sef?

Lagos Banker : I'm not a doctor. I'm a ban....................

Worn-Out Guy : Exactly! So don't give me a lecture on what you don't know.

--------------------------GOAL--------------------------------------------
(There goes Manchester United losing another game)

Worn-Out guy : Let's not copy things we don't understand.Because a couple of you have returned after one year doing a Masters degree at a University in London or America, not bigger than my one-room apartment.........sorry, I mean my three bedroom flat,you think you can bring all sorts of rubbish back here!

Lagos banker : Don't you think you're being discriminatory? Does this not take you back to the time of slavery in the West? Or the period of Apartheid in South Africa? Are you not inferring that gay people are less human than you?
And are you not in the least bit worried about our perception in global politics with this Anti-Gay bill?
(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or what do yo think?

3rd Guy : Hmmm.Hmmm. I agree with you.

Worn-Out Guy :First of all,we should never let perceptions cloud our judgements.
Russia and the United Arab Emirates have stricter Anti-Gay laws and yet Westerners and Nigerian 'activists' still flock to Dubai like a buch of PDP defectors to the APC!
And I see that we're having a history class now?
Does this not take you back to when homosexuality was thought to be a mental illness?
Do you wonder what paedophilia would be considered as in few years?

Lagos Banker : Come on!! Really!!! Really!!!!!!!! Are you comparing this to paedophilia? Really????

Worn-Out Guy : You know what? This story don dey too long. My bible and my Pastor do not support it.
End of story! If the Bible says no,then it's no. In fact,you should ask yourself, "What Would Jesus Do?"

(Turning to 3rd Guy) Or am I wrong?

3rd Guy : Sure,Sure.I agree with you.

(WHOLE BAR TURNING TO 3RD GUY AND SCREAMING IN UNISON) : You know what? Just shut up if you don't have a point to make!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Lagos Banker : I'm also a Christian and I don't think any religion supports it but we all do things our religions frown upon.
I mean,there's some good quality porn on your phone,sorry I checked,but I don't remember Jesus leading the disciples to 'The Slick" back in the day.

(History has it that 'The Slick' was the first fully commercialised strip joint in Galilee back in the day. True story. I swear!)

Worn-Out Guy : Erm,Erm....I don't know how that got there.Must have come with the phone!

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, the fact is Pro-Gay activists look down on people who are in support of the bill as been primitive and crude but forget that cultures actually differ.
Western culture spits at polygamy,why should we not spit back?

Lagos Banker : I agree with you on that point and if it were a spitting contest I'd leave it at that but it's a battle between rights and culture and a forthright intellectual appreciation of both sides is neede......................

---------------------------------------------PHONE RINGS-------------------------------------------

Worn-Out Guy picks phone : Hey darling. I'll be home soon. Just working late.
The music in the background?
What music?
Oh................................the music!(giggling)
Funny story......someone came up with the idea at work that since 9ice was so redundant and cheap to hire these days,we could get him to amuse those of us working overtime.
Funny right!
Hello?
Hello?
Poor reception.
Home soon.

(Drops phone)

Gotta run guys.
(Turning to 3rd Guy)
Erm.......Ermmmmmmmm......Would have dropped you off but I'm not really going your way.

LIAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Guy : It's okay. I'll just trek back to the Mainland. It's cool this time of the night.

P.S: Follow @doctorrotcod on the twitter machine.

2013 in 13 paragraphs!

2014-01-11T02:21:00.000-08:00

2013 like all other years in Nigeria started with all sorts of declarations and mantras. People who had not stepped a foot in church all year had dp's and pm's filled with them; 'My year of Unrestrictable Increase'. 'My year of progress a.k.a All Enemies must Die! 'Who tie my goat?My Year of Breaking Free!' And it started really well to be fair. No New Year day bombings and electricity seemed,at least in Lagos anyway, to be on the up.
But very much like Sunday Mba's performance at the Nations Cup,the air of expectation became too much for the people in power to handle and the rest of the year ended with a whimper almost as disappointing as Tiwa Savages' album 'Once Upon A Time'.You could tell she had good intentions but I'm not sure if it's all the free Pepsi she's been guzzling or just having to share a studio with Dr Sid,talentless people emit a bad vibe,you know!
For a brief period though,we were still hopeful!Despite all the rumors of unmitigated corruption,oil theft and unhindered violence in parts of the country,we were still hopeful.But somewhere along the line it dawned on us,that like Wizkid's Bentley that has been 'coming sooner' for a while or 9ice's Grammys, hope was indeed a dangerous thing to have in present day Nigeria.
Anyways,we adjusted.And as Nigerians,we did what Nigerians do best.Live with unfulfilled expectations and accept our stock in life.Little wonder D'banj came scurrying back to Nigeria.Brother went from packed shows in Europe at the start of the year to becoming a glorified wedding singer by year end.
2013 also witnessed the re-rise of political jobbers like Doyin Okupe,the senior special adviser to the President on Public Affairs.Remember the kid in high school who always told incredible lies but you let him cos you wondered how someone could think such things up?Well Chief Okupe is that kid and 2013 rewarded him and folks like him to the hilt.
I'm not complaining though.Politics as always been a game of convenience.You can only feel comfortable with house mates who let you eat from the pot;God Bless you Osasu Oviawe and Frank Ineke(my first flatmates as an independent teenager)wherever you may be in this world for always leaving the pots empty.Anyhoo,the decamping of certain governors from the PDP to the APC late in the year gave life to the saying,'No permanent enemies just permanent interests'.Just ask Mike Ezuronye!

THEN...............................

NOW..........................Nna,you no come Lagos count bridge true true!

The on-again off-again death of a certain member of a certain group of armed men causing havoc in a certain part of the country was and is still a major source of concern to all Nigerians.It reminds me a lot of Zaki Azay,just when you thought you had heard the last of his mind numbing music and Tiger battery powered flash light,he pops up again and sucker punches you with another lame attempt at a come back!
The year also witnessed more 'strikes' than the U.S drone missions in Afghanistan.It was like every Tom,Dick and their cousin Larry(I have a good friend called Harry,so I'm sure you'd excuse me this one) with enough dexterity to knot a tie and walk straight without tripping over could hold this country to ransom with industrial actions.Education,Medical even electricity workers............apparently it's not only @basketmouth that has a warped sense of humor.
I'm starting to sound real negative now aren't I? But God knows I wouldn't feel comfortable without a Tontoh Dikeh analogy to round up the year and the fact that Miss Poko decided 2013 was the year she was going to bless us with the gift of her musical genius and make a mess of the giant strides being made in that industry kinda tells you all you need to know about the sort of year 2013 was.
There was some good news though.Hate him or love him but Al Dangote's(that's what we his friends on Twitter call him) continued climb up the rich list and his continued belief and investment in Nigeria is a perfect example of how political contract beneficiaries can uplift the unemployed and impoverished around them.By the way,Oga Timaya can learn a thing or two from Al. Na only you dey fat for that your 'Dem Mama' group.And you know what they say about hungry men!

Even the group name is in smaller capitals than yours Oga Timaya!

Lest I forget,Some one tell the Golden Eaglets to TURN UP!I have no idea what it means and I'm sure as hell that I used it wrong but I said it anyways and I like it!But someone please tell them,wherever they may be this second that they made me mighty proud this year and I hope their wives and young children are too.
Lastly,every year has it's 'Man of the Year' and if the award was for absolutely banging tunes,hair to kill for and an absurd dress sense,then Phyno without a doubt would be my 'Man of the Yeah".But the men and women of the Nigeria Army who sacrifice their lives daily in the sandy ruins of North Eastern Nigeria,in a war many Nigerians pretend is not happening are without any doubt my 'Men and Women of 2013".

I honestly don't know why you guys do it but your country salutes you.

They deserve that and indeed an extra paragraph!
P.S The Flipout Corner is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod

Nigerian letter writers and Mr Coker!

2013-12-21T02:44:00.000-08:00

God bless Mr Coker wherever he may be in this caustic land of obese leaders and famished citizens.
He was my English teacher way back in Secondary School;that's High school for my numerous fans in Obama's country and the many wannabes on the Island.
I love you all by the way.
Versace,Versace everything for you in 2014!
Anyways,in between talking through his nose and squinting through his horn-rimmed glasses,I,the poor boy from the Primary school with two teachers, a security guard who also doubled as the P.E instructor and a headmistress who owned the barbing salon upstairs, hardly ever understood much of what Mr Coker said in class but damn could the brother teach "Letter writing"!
Coker could write a letter to the Devil and still know if it were appropriate to start things of with a gently worded Dear Sir or just keep it on the informal down low.
Of my numerous distinctions in the School leaving exams(---------------------long space to fill in your unwanted and ultimately disregarded disbelief------------------------------------------------------) my A1 in English Language was my most cherished.
So that's why on reading the Obasenjos' letters I could come to only two logical conclusions;
a)Coker was right.A day would indeed come when I had to actually use the idiom "Pot calling someone else black!"
and
b)Neither of them had Mr Coker as an English teacher.
Which is a pity if I must say.
I have to be honest,as I always am,though God and a few people I know might disagree.
I haven't actually finished either letter.
Don't get me wrong,I started but in between trying to give my very best at work in another failing sector of public service and actually being eternally grateful that I even have a job in this barely floating ship of a country,there's really little energy left for someone else's family squabble.
And such poorly written letters by the way,that much Mr Coker taught me!
If people like Chief Alex Ekwueme or Mallam Nuhu Ribadu decide to pick up their pens and scribble their thoughts for us all to share,aside from the obviously more enjoyable tenses we can surely expect and the surely more pleasing pictures of those good folks published alongside the letters,we would be digesting the letters looking up,with the words pouring down from the altar of dignity and not creeping up like a stream of deceit from a pig farm somewhere in Ogun State!
Dear OBJ, 'in case you don't,in case you don't,in case you don't know, know', as my good friend Harrisong would say, Corruption was just as widespread in 1999.

Better pikin.........ahn....you be like your papa pikin!(Harrisong,naughty you!)

With Legislators buying furniture for obscene amounts like wood was going out of fashion and Nigerian carpenters were queueing up to join the war in Afghanistan.
Unemployment was just as rampant with the only difference being that at least PhD holders now have a shot at 'tanker' driving jobs and their daughters and wives have a wider array of beaches,hotels and bars to prostitute these days while they are away.
That reminds me by the way.
'Elegushi loading' is baccccccccccccccck y'all.
After 6 months of idling and rotting away like Stella's BMW's,Nigerian students have finally being released from the clutches of their parents and thrown back unto the streets they've made their home in recent years!
Even ASUU knows they'd be no proper Xmas celebration without our dear Nigerian university girls.
Our dear letter writing ex-president should also remember that there was a protracted ASUU strike action at the beginning of his tenure.
I did not celebrate 2 birthdays,3 Xmas' and watch an Orange tree grow fully in my backyard all in one academic year because I had nothing better doing!
It is a fact that cannot be disguised that the amount of impunity,corruption and insecurity in the land in the last 24-36 months has reached obscene proportions,almost like the gold piece on the neck of Ayo'jacob the jeweler' Oristejafor but every man,woman and indeed child that has held office in this great country cannot be exempt from blame.

This could have saved you a thousand words OBJ.And spared us from having to read it!

Picking up a pen and writing an epistle like a bored Apostle Paul on one of his numerous journeys of self-redemption along a bumpy road from Damascus to God-knows-where cannot absolve you of blame!
Infact,watching all the utensils in the PDP kitchen calling each other all shades of black has really cracked me up this festive period.
You guys have been a hoot and a half,I must say!
As for Aunty Iyabo,I did not read yours to be honest!
Daddy issues are meant for a shrink's sofa!
And this is Nigeria,doctors are so poorly paid or completely unpaid that you could get a session for two bars of soap,a bag of salt and an ice-cold Chivita!
Just don't go writing a letter about it afterwards.
P.S:The flipside of life is on the Twitter machine @doctorrotcod

Nigeria:Tribe and Prejudice!

2013-11-25T06:03:00.003-08:00

I've always loved knowledge.
Gathering up little nuggets of otherwise irrelevant data has always been my thing.
Like knowing the first man to receive a telephone call or trying to find out why for whatever reason Genevieve Nnaji has made it her life's mission to attend every wedding in a 10,000 kilometer radius from her!
I also love words.
I try as much as I can to learn a new word everyday.
No,I don't sit down with a cold bottle of Trophy Lager in one hand,nose in an Oxford dictionary and the other hand gingerly stroking my ignorance and my apparent joblessness as some 'writers' tend to.
I do it the right way.Read as much as I can and check up the unrecognisables.
About that,something really funny happened yesterday.
Not so sure it would interest you but when did that ever stop me from telling you?
So,my 'Word for the day' was 'Star'.
Yes,we all assume we know what a Star means!
But while perusing a popular entertainment blog,vastly popular than mine I must say,I came across a piece where Nigerian artiste/'living off-er' Kayswitch was referred to as a Pop Star.
Well..................................that got me scurrying off fast as you like,almost the same way Wande Coal must have while trying to escape from the studio on the day he 'stole' said song,to check my dictionary.
And to my relief and that of a whole nation(I presume),Star the adjective still does not refer to a no-hit wonder brother of Nigeria's favourite entertainer!

Phew!Your guys almost had me there Kay!

Anyway,while on my never ending sojourn for intellectual gigantism,I came across a comment on Linda Ikeji's blog and true,I'm an avowed LIBer but I don't go there for the gossip.
I just go to check who's advertising and make more money for Linda.

Always confirm if your doctor is digging for information about your health or just checking Linda Ikeji's blog and ignoring you!

In the comment was a word that caught my attention,'Ofe mmanu'.
Slow down Callistus,you won't find it in any dictionary.
Not even the 1980 Websters your Local Government Chairman just distributed.
It caught my attention not because it was exotic but because of the regularity with which it has been turning up online.
It literally means 'Oily soup' or something in the range but has since transcended and become a derogatory term by which Yoruba people are addressed.
Just like 'Aboki' literally means friend but it's never friendly when we yell it at Ahmed Musa for missing another open goal!

Are you asking for your brain back?

Don't get me wrong,a few derogatory terms amongst friends never hurt no one.
Infact I'd readily call my good friend Uche an 'Okoro' if he tries dipping his hand in my bowl of Nkwobi.
But going through comment boards on popular blogs nationwide,the rise in tribal animosity is increasingly disturbing.
Anything that cannot be explained by rational thought is attributed to tribal deficiencies.
When a young man in an act of greed is caught and paraded at the Lagos Port for attempting to bring in AK-47'S and RPG'S alongside his container of bathroom tiles and is coincidentally named Uche(Not my friend Uche of the above mentioned Nkwobi fiasco oh),it is hurriedly attributed to the willingness of the Ibos to make a quick buck by all means possible!
When a middle aged woman named Ajoke is caught at the international airport with a few grains of cocaine in her head tie and a few more in her grand kid's diapers,the rationale is that all Yoruba's are drug peddlers.
If these thoughts are from a 75 year old woman in Anambra who lost a husband and two kids to the war and recently lost her eldest child to the never ending carnage in the North,I'd understand.
Or from a husband who had just lost the mother of his children to imported fake drugs,I'd get it.
Pain and loss are excusable reasons for individual irrational generalizations.
But when young,supposedly over educated(all these extra years in University must count for something) Nigerians,whose main problem,though not yet identified by them,is the generalized ,without any form of preference,underdevelopment of their country by their leaders,harbour these thoughts,the future of this country can't but seem bleaker than that of Banky W's scalp ever growing hair again!
Admittedly,Nigeria's amalgamation in 19...........long ago brought together strange bedfellows.
The Nigerian Civil War of 19.........not so long ago fostered a divided nation.
While our parents and guardians have since nurtured these divisions by passing on tasty little helpings of tribal sentiments in an environment of economic lack.
Everyday we see the likes of Aliko Dangote,Femi Otedola and Tony Elumelu wining and dining,laughing wholeheartedly and hugging like long lost lovers in a bad romantic comedy while we the masses whose minds have been dulled by poor education,whose visions have been hampered by incessant blackouts and growths stunted by poor nutrition still despise our neighbours for irrelevant things like too much pepper in the stew or a penchant for wearing just singlets almost everywhere.
We have too many troubles and can't afford to add hate to it.

The three guys even have their faces on our money!How appropriate!

So young Nigeria,when next you are at the club and trying desperately to get into that beautiful girl's pants without giving a hoot where she comes from,remember this immortal piece of advice from Albert 'my cousin' Einstein 'If its good enough for you in the dark,its probably good enough for you in the open'!

P.S:Why are those Nkwobi bowls so shallow?????????
If we talk now they will call us tribalistic!

Pls follow @doctorotcod .He's on the Twitter!

The Coal,The Jazz,The Banj and other short stories!

2013-11-06T05:10:00.003-08:00

Damn,I love social media!
It's the honest to God coward's playground.
Since the time of Adam,people have always been at their bravest when faceless or while avoiding face to face confrontation.
Just say anything that pops to your head and add an 'LOL' to it and no one takes offence.
Except your wife's like my friend Josie's,who tore him a new backside when the brother tweeted "Wifeys cooking,causing heartburn since 1912.LOL".
Needless to say,there was no 'LOLing' in that house for a looooong time.
So it came to me as no surprise when the good folks at MAVIN decided to air their laundry on Twitter.
And there is without doubt no better clothes line this side of the galaxy than Twitter.
On the surface,it's about a song allegedly stolen or not stolen but at the core of the matter is a business developed by friends and friends of friends built on poor legal framework.
@DONJAZZY has always struck me as a man more focused on the art than the business.
Very much like the nerdy scientist in the movies who wants the entire world to benefit from his newly developed genetically modified pest resistant corn while D'banj,God bless his soul,is the greedy billionaire investor who would rather hang his father by the balls than let the wind blow away a fifty Naira note.
And Wande Coal?
That pesky,black guy that everybody expects to die in the very first scene but somehow just keeps hanging on!
Secondly,I know I am pessimistic,cynical and a perennial critic but the song is God awful!
Both versions.
I believe I have heard better songs at a Palestinian funeral.
Have I ever attended a Palestinian funeral?
Well......it depends on who's asking!

Forgot to take a selfie!

Infact the song sounds suspiciously familiar to a song done by Jay Tha Vipa.
Nah.........I didn't think you'd know him.
Jay is the kind of man we refer to as the 'Working Class' guy.
Dude's been trying to 'make it' since the France'98 World Cup!
Yahoo,forex,Online betting,selling Sharwama............name it!
Presently he's an aspiring musician who torments me with free copies of his CD's at my estate gate.
He calls his music AfroHipLife.
DON'T EVEN ASK!!!!!
It would be wise if @wandecoal and @donjazzy just came together and made the song better than the obvious album filler that it presently is.
Or just give the song to Dr Sid
Dude needs a song bad.
Any song!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dr Dr Sid.........................Shut up already!

It hurts when great partnerships are destroyed on the alter of business and financial considerations.
I spent my entire adult life listening to songs by the Mo Hits Crew and contrary to what half of the world and their dog think,Donjazzy has not always been the life force of the gang.
I remember a fat,bumbling,seemingly always high Wande Coal carrying the crew single handed on the Mo Hits All Star album.
Finally,a repeat of a business breakdown in a unit cannot be a coincidence but God forbid that I spend my imaginary years at Law School trying to judge but @DonJazzy needs to get his house in order or else no amount of free Loya milk and MTN card will stop fans from assuming It's Don Jazzy's(fault) Again.

P.S:Shout out to our Under-17 men whipping the other boys like they stole something.
Adedayo Esan is on the twitter @doctorrotcod

Dear Sister Stella!

2013-10-22T03:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Sister Stella,
It seems like forever since we last spoke and I know say you go don tire for me but no vex I've been going through some issues myself.
Just the other week while driving down the Lagos-Ibadan Road-I think we can safely stop calling it an Express Way,unless your colleague at the Ministry of Works terribly insists-and while simultaneously trying to avoid the numerous oil tankers whose sole aim in life seem to have been to push me off the road,douse me with diesel and then set me on fire and also dodging the numerous potholes/craters which seemed big enough to swallow a tireless Kia Picanto,I came across numerous cars hurriedly parked and abandoned by the roadside.
I'm sure you're wondering how all these bothers you.
Just bear with me for a second while I babble.
The gist went thus,armed bandits had supposedly created a road block about a kilometer ahead and were dispossessing folks of their valuables like their cousins from the Nigeria Police.
So,without the slightest interest in confirming the rumour,I parked my car alongside the multitude of cars and looked for a vantage point deep in the woods to hide.
After convincing myself that I had gone deep enough into the forest and was trying to get comfy in my new surroundings,I almost spat out a live puppy when I heard a voice say "Oga,na my head you siddon".
Aunty,you dey laugh?????????
That day no funny oh!!!!!!!!
Anyway,an hour later,all muddied and dishevelled,I left my new found friend,Constable Chima in the bush searching for his hurriedly discarded police uniform-you know what they say about he who fights and runs away nah!

Damn right!Lives to run another day.

So,I left Chima in the bush to continue on my journey and yet again tick another box on 'failed state experiences' in an otherwise functioning country.
Since then I have been wondering how to make life safer for myself in this country and while watching the news yesterday,it hit me!
If only I had an armoured BMW!
Or maybe two.
One for myself and my family and the other for my dog,Lucky Goody(you saw what I did there right!) and the domestic servants.
By the way,Lucky don big well well now oh!
So,Sister Stella,I understand you perfectly unlike most of these other Nigerians who are still bothered by trivial things like affording a meal,let alone decent,per day.People still bothered by how to prevent most of their children dying before the age of five.
In fact,how can people still bothered by the fact that their toddlers can still contract Polio in the 21st century really comprehend why higher mortals like ourselves will need such vehicles.
The most annoying ones are those claiming the cars are too expensive.
That it should be so and so amount.
That in Germany it's not more than so and so.
How dem take know?
Their papa dey work for BMW?
Abi we and Oga Coscharis no go chop???????
It's sooooooooooooo annoying!
Instead of them finding ways of stopping their daughters from prostituting due to the ongoing university lecturers strike(which is due to no fault of yours by the way Sista mi) they are busy queueing up at filling stations to buy gas to fuel their generators so they can call into all these numerous programs on T.V criticising you.
Talk about misplaced priorities!
Is it your fault that 70% of Nigerians live in poverty?
It's obvious though!
The way they've been shouting over common 255million,you would think it was in dollars.
LOL!
Poor people sha!
It's well with them. If only they knew many other other things....................................
Anyway,how are you supposed to change the high percentage of poverty in the country?
You're Minister of Aviation Crashes.....sorry.....Aviation for goodness sake and not the damn Minister of Poverty Alleviation and Feed the People Affairs!
Wait a second Aunty...........................Ehen?............................You don't say?
Chinwe just told me that there's no such Ministry.
No wonder we don't have a second Minister from our Senatorial District.
Sista,please do something about that urgently oh.
I have to go now though but please take it easy.The same way we have proven to them that plane crashes are 'Acts of God',let us leave God to judge these bad people.
I can't wait to come to Abuja to visit you this Christmas,I know it sounds absurd but I've actually never driven an armoured BMW.
Yeah!Laugh all you want sister!
I've driven the regular ones and I can tell you this,they have really nice music delivery systems and you would do well to get yourself Burna Boy's new C.D and blast away while you cruise round Abuja and leave matter for Mathias.
Safe drive Sister.
Sincerely,
Your Brother who also wants an armoured BMW for Xmas!

P.S:Abeg,Abeg,Abeg,
Now that they see you tryna move ahead,
Dem wan come tie big stone to your leg,
Tryna hold you down,hold you down.
I say.............
Abeg,Abeg,Abeg
(Music continues till fades)

PlEaSe FoLlOw @doctorrotcod

Half of a Yellow Face!(The bleaching epidemic)

2013-10-11T04:17:00.000-07:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
That was the loud sound that was about escaping from my throat till I managed to bottle it down due to a combination of resolute will and the fear of the koboko wielding mobile police man at the gate of my neighbourhood bank when I bumped into Shade,my long lost friend from my teenage years a few weeks back.
Yes I was excited to see her(for whatever reason I don't know now) but here's the deal,those who have met me briefly,politely describe me as 'dark' but my friends who have absolutely no reason to be nice or couth(or else we wouldn't be friends,now would we?) describe me as 'black'.
And if you bothered your pretty head to go to Primary School;I don't know why anyone would really cos I hear that one can walk into certain state universities in the South-West and South-East these days with nothing more than an ability to blink twice and hands to present your tuition fees;you definitely would have heard of the nursery rhyme 'Two Little Black Birds'.
I can tell you this,those black birds wherever they may be these days,had nothing on Shade and myself!

Birds of life!

So you can imagine my shock when I saw Shade all these years later looking all "fair and yellow' like a freshly painted Keke Napep.
I was like "Oh my God Shade,you've really changed"
"Yes oh!We thank God." She replied in that most Nigerian of phrases.
And I duly obliged her by saying "It is well".
We all have that person in our lives.
Some come to us as complete shocks especially when the passage of time serves as a conduit for that shock but there are some,that colleague at work,the pastor's wife at church or the lady at the grocery shop in your neighbourhood who right before your eyes had had the 'black' rinsed off her face like Kiwi polish from a rain battered shoe.
To put things in perspective, a recent W.H.O study claims that a staggering 77% of Nigerian women use skin whitening products!
That's 8 out 0f 10 sisters at that your church's singles meeting you love attending so much.
For those who don't place much value on such studies,who would blame you?
I remember when a study done some years back rated Nigerians as the 'happiest people in the world'.
The madness of it!

Guess no one asked these jolly folks?

You don't need a study to open your eyes to this crazed rush by our women for 'lighter and more radiant skin'.
It's right in front of you unless you choose to ignore it.
Every self respecting supermarket has a shelf devoted to these products and the crowd of young women and indeed men,giving each other tips and taking notes like eager university freshmen,on the correct use and mixes is to say the least astonishing.
The unfailingly human flaw of desiring what you don't possess has always been the driving force for some of the greatest successes in mankind but also the source of it's deepest follies.
Society also seems to glorify the fairer skinned amongst us.With actors like Ramsey Nouah,Majid Michael,Omotola and to a lesser extent and I mean a much lesser extent,infact why would anyone hire Tontoh Dikeh for anything,traditionally being more sought after than their darker skinned peers.
Even as far back as 1916 in faraway Rwanda,Belgian colonialists favoured the Tutsi tribe over the Hutu because they were taller,had high cheekbones and indeed,fairer skinned.
"Hey.....Hey,Professor Flipout,can you just cut to the chase.You know I hate it when you start trying to sound smart,educative and shit!By the way,don't you like think it's spelt 'Phavoured"?I ain't saying nothing but it's spelt 'Pharoah' for a reason,innit?
Anyways,the exfoliates,toners,serums,cleansers and whatever names we choose to call them these days are here to stay and as long as we do not appreciate the incredible beauty that is in abundance in each and everyone of us never mind the health risks,they,like that housegirl wey Oga don give belle,ain't going nowhere!
(Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod)
P.S:Here is a list of things you can hire Tontoh Dike for
1) A clown
2)A..................................I'll have to get back to you on this list.

A for Associated Airline,B for Boko ,C for...........well,C for Cenya!

2013-10-04T07:57:00.000-07:00

Today marks a sad turning point in my life.
The day when I officially stop referring to myself as a blogger.
My new post delivery rate is slower than the Nigerian Postal Service.
And those guys be slow!
Once sent a letter to congratulate my sister on giving birth to a bouncing baby boy and it was my nephew who read the letter to her when it was delivered many years later.
I''ll like to be referred to from today,if its not too much of a bother,as 'He Of The Pen Who Refuses To Write' or simply,HOTPWRTW,if that's the sort of thing that floats your boat.
Anyways,things have been rather bland of late.Same old same old or as my friend GT the Guitar Man would say,much of a muchness.
And no I don't know GT the Guitar Man.Just wanted to write the name down so the off chance he gets to read this,he can see how absolutely stupid the name sounds.
So, things were going on as usual.Bombs in Iraq and Pakistan,a few beheadings in Nigeria and Syrians still awaiting the first American bombs.
Then Westgate happened!!!!
Damn me,I'm so used to seeing Kenyan athletes skinny as hell and buck-toothed to boot,running slower than the Nigerian economy in their usual marathons.
So the sight of Kenyans(the lucky ones mind you),sprinting out of the Westgate Mall,eyes widened and arms flailing like a bunch of drowning Nigerian migrants in the Mediterranean as they escaped seemingly certain death was as startling as it was disconcerting!
President Jo's assertion and wise counsel that Nigerians should bear with terrorism as all countries were passing through it and it was(is) merely Nigeria's turn may actually now hold water.
A basket full of water,mind you!
President Uhuru(I cant help but let out a giggle when I hear that name.Reminds of a pet squirrel."Mummy,mummy!All my friends have Uhuru's,Can I get one?") Kenyatta's and the Kenyan Security Services response was one all Kenyans and indeed Africans can be proud of.
It was swift,decisive and thorough;like a mobile police man's slap on a misbehaving Lagos bus conductor!

You know that kain slap na!

Something also happened in Yobe some days after.I think?
A lot of students,young adults,were murdered in their sleep.I think?
Possibly more people died at the College of Agriculture in Yobe than Westgate.I think?
But there was barely any news coverage until days after.
No reassuring statements from our Commander-in-Chief except for repeated reminders of our readiness to help the Kenyans in their fight against terror...........I really cant help giggling today.I think I'll need a few minutes or indeed paragraphs to recover from this one).

Ok!Back to the matter,as Wizkid once wisely counseled.
There was no social media buzz.No Twitter storm.
There was a yawning gap between the #Westgate trend and the #Jim Iyke demonic deliverance;I'm sorry but if it took T.B Joshua to tell you that Oga Jim had demons then you better start having tea with your breakfast cos you're a complete mug!
Nigger has more demons in his head than a Mount Zion Ministry film.

Still don't understand the outfit but I'm a bit more sympathetic.

I just hope one of those dispersed demons were not hanging around the Lagos Airport when Dr Olusegun Agagu,former governor of Ondo State's corpse was being conveyed.
When a plane transporting a corpse crashes and creates another dozen corpses,you know Fela Kuti wasn't just high on high grade cannabis when he sang his now famous line 'Dead body get accident".
Dr Agagu was a gentleman through and through and neither he nor his family members deserve this double dose of tragedy that poor and unsafe roads MAY have contributed to.
In fact,no man deserves to die twice.............well,unless you're my dear Uncle Wale who once went to a salon to have the grey dyed out of his hair and one thing led to the other.....the dye did not take.....blah blah blah ............and he eventually had it done again!
P.S:Adedayo Esan is on the Twitter @doctorrotcod

Twitterati!

2013-09-09T00:59:00.002-07:00

Please follow on twitter @doctorrotcod for alerts on new posts and all round dysfunction.

Nigerian new-age pastors and the bible they read!

2013-09-08T03:47:00.001-07:00

Secondary school was a fun period.We were young,fresh faced and almost every thing was new.
Your first beer,first kiss,your first(and maybe last) smoke.
It was a period of giddy excitement and fun.
The downside though was the fact that you had to read.
I mean,they did call it school for a reason!
For those,who for some reason found themselves in the science classes,the giant sized 'Modern Biology' and 'Ababio';that fear inducing Chemistry textbook;was often the first clue that you might,just might have found yourself in the wrong class and you'd promptly exit through the next available open window.
For those of us more plucky and brave,we waded and battled through it,not because we were necessarily smarter(sure we were................Nigger,ask about me) but because we devised the key to studying...........and hopefully passing.
Damn books had about a thousand pages.Just focus like a dog with a bone on a random 400 pages and hope for the damn best come exam day!
A trip to a new age Nigerian church makes me feel like these pastors have taken a leaf of our book and 'Ababioed' the bible.
The Bible alongside the Qur'an are probably the greatest books ever written.
It takes you on a journey right from creation to stories of faith,tales of adversity,loss,war,great victory,prosperity and finally rounds up with what will conclude this maddening rat race we find ourselves.
So,when a Jerry-curled,Armani suit wearing lad who may or may not have gotten to 'a level of grace' where nubile young girls who aren't family can sit on his lap makes the act of giving or what we fondly refer to as 'Sowing' in this parts,the star of the book,you have to feel a wee bit sorry for folks like Moses,Ruth,Job,Saul(Paul),Jonathan(not Goodluck) who's life stories and journeys are and will continue to be the back bone,moral thread and truly life defining experiences that shapes the true believers.
I can bet that a trip by Moses to any of the many churches in the Oregun,Ikeja axis of Lagos on a Sunday morning must leave him feeling like a 'waka-pass' in a Nigerian movie.
Nobody talks about sin anymore;and we forget so easily that he climbed a treacherously steep mountain(at least that's what the picture in 'My Book of Bible Stories' used) to get the 10 commandments.
What if the dude had fallen and broken his neck?
Nobody talks about hell anymore.
Nobody tells the sister with the mini-skirt not large enough for a proper nose blowing or the brother with the weave that the club is down the road in case they might have missed their way.
As long as they sow!(Master card and Visa accepted here by the way!)
It must all feel like deja-vu to chaps like Moses.
Remember when he came down from the mountains and met the Israelites dancing Azonto to all sorts of golden idols?


Say whaaaaaaaaatttttttt!

The church today is full of all sorts of golden idols and the sad thing is they are made from the trinkets of the poor.
Shepherds are meant to guide and teach you life lessons but when they focus on a tiny fraction of a perfectly good book,like myself and my good friend and now international model,Sheg Aranmolate did back in the days and ignore the rest,don't be surprised if you get caught napping like we did when we were asked at what temperature a metal gets white hot.

We only stopped at red hot!
P.S:I make no pretensions.I'm a sinner.I sinned yesterday.I'll sin today and I'll probably sin tomorrow but i acknowledge that.
Follow @doctorrotcod