The Butch Stroll

The Potato Slicer Incident of 2012

2012-01-20T07:15:00.000-05:00

W.E.

2011-12-19T01:48:00.000-05:00

I'm interested to see if Madonna's movie about the Duke and Duchess of Windsor will make any mention of their alleged Nazi sympathies, or about any deeper, darker purposes behind their relationship. It's interesting that Madonna, a new agey Kabbahlist and a well-known Anglophile would make a movie about Wallis Simpson, who was allegedly a Nazi sympathizer and a traitor to Great Britain as a country that would not see her as queen.

Hi.

2011-12-13T21:28:00.001-05:00

"Gimme some"

2011-09-18T17:06:00.002-04:00

Oh my God Blogger, I know I haven't talked to you in a while but I have to have someone to talk to about this. Someone who will understand. The world is void of ears to hear this ole tale, so I turn back to you.

There was a work related function I was out at on Thursday and let it suffice to say I am the only one of our team that is truly on The Butch Stroll and lasted till the very end. Whiskey lips, white-hot hips. You must not know 'bout me.

But what I need to talk about is my co-worker who is purportedly heterosexual and all the girls love him. He's a big flirt. Throughout the evening there were questionable gestures and statements, and by the end of the evening it was abundantly, no-mixed-messages clear, that he wants a piece of ole Stroll.

Now my curse is that despite my best intentions to portray a respectable person, most guys who are into me are only into me, which is mostly fine with me but sometimes I get to thinking I'm gonna trap one for more. Probably not this co-worker. But I'm playing it cool before I take a ride on the Sin Wagon.

I'll tell you more later; gotta run to my unrelated Opera date. Yes, the Opera. What??

I was watching this televangelist, John Hagee, for a few minutes,

2011-08-17T00:50:00.002-04:00

and he referred to recent events and how they have "literally turned the world upside down." Credibility: lost.

Please read my friend Booga's blog

2011-08-05T00:03:00.000-04:00

about her interest as an adopted child in finding her biological parents. Booga is a great writer. Who knew? http://brookeef.blogspot.com/

2011-07-19T21:39:00.001-04:00

[M]y faith is sometimes about if my faith will return. --JK Rowling

Hi blog

2011-05-06T01:15:00.001-04:00

I'm off work until Monday and I really needed the break. When I left on Wednesday I had had a small tiff with a coworker/friend, which is not uncommon. I never understand why people have to be so difficult. I texted her twice today with no response. Why am I always the one concerned? Why am I always the olive branch petitioner? Fuck it, I'm going to force myself to not care.

I spent the day getting new wheels and new tires on my new truck which is yet another thing working to keep me impoverished. Times is tough out here on the east side.

Tomorrow morning I have a doctor's appointment regarding the continual decline of my holistic well being. Hopefully all issues can be resolved and I can get back on track with my routine of destroying it again.

I have been going to church on Sundays, not because I particularly want a conversion but I have been looking for some spirituality in my life. When I was working for the World Church of Assimilation in Atlanta recently- a freelance task I've taken on twice a year - one of the bishops was speaking about so called contemporary worship services and how any service has to acknowledge the tenants of the faith rather than rummage through any ole interesting ideas. I actually do prefer a traditional religious service to hokey "contemporary" ones...it's the traditional ideas that bother me. I don't know why, I mean I would never join and make some false statement of faith, but I guess I'm in search of time and community that is free of the other burdens of life, like work, difficult people, a disastrous world, and profound loneliness and lowliness that gets heavier as every day passes. An hour or so per week that is predictable, stable, and, well, ritualistic.

After my appointment tomorrow I'm taking the old truck to Lewisville to a home for old race horses. Lunch with my mom and dad for an early Mother's Day, and then a drive back to Crown Town with them. May God have mercy on my soul.

Comment on Lady Gaga's Judas on Someone's Facebook

2011-04-18T23:27:00.001-04:00

"I agree that she's using a metaphor, although she mixes her metaphors with reference to "three times", which is the wrong act (denying, not betraying) and wrong person (Peter, not Judas). This Biblical reference alongside ancient Christian pracices such as washing others' feet with your hair are evidence that she's not innocently using "Judas" as a general term but rather intentionally conjuring the stories and images of Judas Iscariot. (Judas protested, according to the gospel of John, the woman who washed Jesus's feet with her tears and annointed him with expensive perfume, arguing that the money could be used to serve the poor.) Even when "Judas" is used in common speech to describe someone who is traitorous, the term cannot be removed from Judas Iscariot, from where it derives. In fact, when someone is called a Judas, they are being called the *worst* kind of traitor, someone who would betray even the Messiah after given the distinction of a chosen disciple thereof. There is so much wrapped up in that name alone that even Judas Thaddeus is now known as Jude so as not to taint his sainthood by summoning the thought of Judas Iscariot. So, in my opinion, she is crystal clear what the name "Judas" entails, as she's nothing if not good at getting people talking. The song itself refers to being offended and wearing an "ear condom" to prevent hearing something undesireable to you, not to mention the name of Jesus is used -- "Jesus is my virtue, but Judas is the demon I cling to" -- a (possibly accidental) reference to Luke's account that Satan himself posessed Judas. She sings of being "just a horny fool", which compells her to be "still in love with Judas". Meanwhile the single cover has a cross on it. So as not to go on even longer, I won't get into the Gnostic interpretations of Judas, or the age old point that Jesus, who was God and therefore inerrant, knew that Judas would betray him and told him as much, so Judas was powerless to prevent his actions. (Judas in this sense was both necessary to the salvation of humanity and doomed.) Anyway, I like the song and hope the video is as interesting as the character of Judas."

Watching "The Amanda Knox Story"

2011-02-26T23:30:00.001-05:00

Trying to decide whether I think she's guilty. The Italian law enforcement supposedly based a lot of their case on her computer data such as photos, postings and short stories. All I can think about is how if I were ever accused of a crime all my text messages and internet shenanigans being exposed would be punishment enough.

Pick Your Battles

2011-02-26T09:30:00.000-05:00

The other day while out to lunch with my homegirls from work, we somehow got onto the subject of boys playing with dolls which lead into a discussion about gender norms, where the heat got really turned up. I was completely calm making my point about arbitrary designations for things as "for boys" or "for girls" but one of my homegirls was resistant to even hearing such ideas and it just depresses me more than anything. I just shut up about it but the other girl kept going on because she knew it was working her nerves. Then they wanted to know if someone is born gay which is completely irrelevant to the point. The irony is the one girl loves sports but would probably withhold that from a daughter.

Then, later, in a small meeting with my boss, my boss completely LOST IT. She wanted to discuss a certain procedure and two of us were offering our insight and questions as to what makes sense, and why certain calculations are wrong. She saw this as a challenge to her authority -- not uncommon for her to become defensive when you're not attacking -- and exploded. She emphasized how much time she had spent on it. To me, it doesn't matter if you spent years on it if it's wrong. We are instructed to do this a certain dubiously accurate way and shut up about it. She's on vacation this week so maybe she'll chill the fuck out. It hurt my feelings more than anything that I was more or less accused of just trying to confuse her.

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T06:55:00.000-05:00

The Ballad of the Lonely Masturbator
BY ANNE SEXTON

The end of the affair is always death.
She’s my workshop. Slippery eye,
out of the tribe of myself my breath
finds you gone. I horrify
those who stand by. I am fed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Finger to finger, now she’s mine.
She’s not too far. She’s my encounter.
I beat her like a bell. I recline
in the bower where you used to mount her.
You borrowed me on the flowered spread.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Take for instance this night, my love,
that every single couple puts together
with a joint overturning, beneath, above,
the abundant two on sponge and feather,
kneeling and pushing, head to head.
At night alone, I marry the bed.

I break out of my body this way,
an annoying miracle. Could I
put the dream market on display?
I am spread out. I crucify.
My little plum is what you said.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

Then my black-eyed rival came.
The lady of water, rising on the beach,
a piano at her fingertips, shame
on her lips and a flute’s speech.
And I was the knock-kneed broom instead.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

She took you the way a woman takes
a bargain dress off the rack
and I broke the way a stone breaks.
I give back your books and fishing tack.
Today’s paper says that you are wed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

The boys and girls are one tonight.
They unbutton blouses. They unzip flies.
They take off shoes. They turn off the light.
The glimmering creatures are full of lies.
They are eating each other. They are overfed.
At night, alone, I marry the bed.

When I look back upon my life...

2011-01-31T21:44:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I take a look at where I am in life, and can't believe that TGIF is a joy and NSFW is a concern. I could have turned out to be someone else. I'm pleased with where I've wound up, don't get me wrong, it's just not everything I could have become. How did I end up here?

Regret is an awful, awful word and a worse feeling. Corporate lifestyle aside, I have made horrible mistakes along the way and I live in a paradoxical world of being PERFECTLY FINE WITH WHO I AM yet being ISOLATED AND TORMENTED.

I'm just in a wierd(er) state lately.

I have been summoned by my former place of employment, The World Church of Assimilation, to do some of their dirty work on a freelance, twice a year basis. This, like my life, is a grand opportunity and a immense burden.

Happy New Year!

2011-01-01T13:47:00.000-05:00

Closed the year out with embarrassment, pride, shame, success, love, inspiration, horror ... the usual mixture of my life's work. I have such big ambitions for this new year and I am going to work hard to keep the momentum going that I'm feeling now (of course I'm only 12 hours in so far).

I feel like 2011 might be my year. I'm gonna do something.

WoW World of Warcraft Downloader Connection Timed Out

2010-11-29T20:24:00.001-05:00

If you're having this problem, you have to totally uninstall McAfee. It's what worked for me as suggested by the blue posts on the old official WoW forums.

I think The Butch Stroll is dead.

2010-11-09T23:16:00.001-05:00

I can't stand the rain.

2010-09-26T12:40:00.000-04:00

Actually I don't mind the rain in theory but it does concern me when there are torrential downpours, like right now. This old house is not equipped. Here's hoping that sump pump goes into overdrive and the gutters can route the water away...although I know they are struggling and doing a half ass job.

What should one do in this case...?

2010-09-22T21:29:00.000-04:00

So the new job is going great. However something is weighing on my mind a bit.

Before I left the last job, I went through the background check process with them, and the company sent me the completed background check (as requested). They checked every county I had had a residence in, and I didn't have a record in any of those counties. However, there was a note that a county that was not checked may have a record. That was the county in which I had had a ticket for speeding and reckless driving. Apparently the company didn't care to find out what it was and I passed and got the job (which I didn't take in the end). It's just traffic anyway, but I'm alarmed that it is on there, and that it doesn't instead just say what it was reduced to!

Anyway, so this new job involves background checks. I of course went through one to get the job. However I didn't get it sent like the last time. What happens is if there's anything fishy on your background check, it goes to a higher up to say it's ok or it's not ok (in which case you don't get the job). Well I took the, um, liberty of looking up my own background check. I mean it's my background information so... I discovered that I had been sent to the big boss to approve! And the traffic thing above didn't even show up, but rather a "trespassing" misdemeanor I had from FOURTEEN YEARS AGO!

It was dismissed but it still showed up, even as "dismissed," the information is there. I had forgotten entirely about it (I was peeing in a parking lot and before I got back in the car the cops pulled up and said I was trespassing since it was after store hours. Sigh.) Of course the big boss approved it stating "not work related", and I never heard a thing about it from her or anyone. However it freaks me out that that is out there on my record for any kind of future need to be screened and what if she had decided to not hire me since I didn't disclose? Something that was supposed to be "dismissed" or "reduced", I'm not sure.

I'm just an old hippy at heart.

2010-09-19T22:20:00.000-04:00

I had a great weekend, after an episode at work on Friday where suddenly and without warning a huge blind spot appeared in my vision and I was momentarily partially blinded. It was very disconcerting, especially with the guy who is training me directing me to do things and unbeknownst to him I suddenly can't see. I carried through and before the day ended I explained to him and the woman that sits behind me (at that point I still could not see, but I could see enough to tell they were looking at me like I'd lost my mind). Anyway it passed thankfully and has not returned but I made the mistake of Googling this symptom upon which I discovered it is indicative of a DETACHED RETINA and I need to seek immediate eye care or else permantly lose my eye site.

I however have to put this off until November when my health insurance kicks in. I've been obsessing over it, as it is a new symptom that has emerged. The others of which are a) sudden panic while driving on the highway that I am going to lose control of the vehicle, b) a surge of terror that awakens me right when I'm falling asleep repeatedly throughout the night, c) an aneurysm-like headache in my temple, and d) feeling like I'm suddenly going to erupt in profanity and racial epitaphs against my will when in business meetings. I am clearly losing what's left of my mind.

But I digress. The weekend was great. As previously reported, Jacqueline Susann, a great cat, was relocated to a former co-workers home. On Friday, Jo Jo K made a pilgrimage to North Carolin to collect Buddy Budro Wilson, to return him to his Queens roots. I had to get these cats into the hands of suitable parents as I am unfit to mother any other living being. I had to find them homes before the state got involved. Jo Jo is perfect for Budro because he was her mother's cat and she has known and loved him for many years, and he is just all you could ever ask for in a cat. So Pam Damn arrived on Saturday to assist in their long voyage back. While they were here we ate bar-b-que (as requested), went to the Epicentre (they were not impressed), and discovered Yesteryear's Pub which is the most surreal and wonderful place, with the most unexpected mix of people, kareoke, cheap drinks, and general everyone-is-welcome spirit. This morning after they obtained their rental care we ate breakfast at a Shoney's, and I am not sure I've ever been to a Shoney's, at least not in the last 30 years.

Budro has taken many car trips in his day and I received reports from the ladies that, as per usual, he vomited shortly after getting on the road and began foaming at the mouth. But once he gets used to the car motion he calms down, gives in, and naps. Budro is known to turn to food and sleep in stressful situations which is why he is a cat after my own heart.

Then tonight I picked up a friend from highschool that I have not seen in 16 years. We went to an opera recital and reception because I'm CLASSY. It was lovely. I ran into a woman I know and it was an awkward moment when she was reminding me who she was because the night I met her she and her cohorts kept pouring liquor down my throat. But anyway...I remembered in the end and it was good to see her and my friends in the Opera.

So now I am off to bed as the workweek awaits! Here's hoping my vision and mental health can hold on till another Friday arrives.

I quit my job.

2010-08-28T02:20:00.000-04:00

But I have another one lined up. I'm excited. I get some free time. I'm back to work on September 7th and I'm trying to be productive.

I thought that a trip to NYC was in the works, but maybe not. One of my two cats may be going to a new home there. The other cat has to find a placement first, however. I love those cats but they need each other, or if not each other than a human who can give them a little more attention and devotion. They're healthy and happy so don't get the wrong idea. I'm just an unfit mother.

I took my sleeping potion earlier and laid down but I just couldn't sleep so I'm up and at 'em. I'm headed back in a few. I have a lot on my mind.

I am worried about my health as of late. I've been having weird sensations that are not unpleasant, but unexpected. Step one would be quit smoking but I've increased my intake if anything.

I never mentioned it because I knew I wouldn't live up to it, but a resolution of mine earlier this year was to post at least one thing per week on The Butch Stroll about a current event, something in the news, or either a story from my own life (basically, post once a week in the categories I'm known to post in). Just for my own mental health, to be letting things out from my own little outlet I have here. I sometimes just have overload. I'm twittered and facebooked and tumblered and bloggered and emailed out. But here I can at least practice writing, share freely, and maybe start the wheels turning to create something in the near future.

I'm going to do NaNoWriMo this year. I say I'm going to every year. This year though is the year.

At my most uninspired point I look ahead and see an oasis of inspiration forthcoming. Over and out for tonight.

I got nothing.

2010-07-29T23:29:00.002-04:00

Been spending way too much time innocently stalking certain men, thinking about dead people and my own mortality, and trying to get this new job.

Dream Gays

2010-07-23T21:28:00.001-04:00

Michel Buble & Naturally 7

2010-07-11T11:30:00.000-04:00

Last night, of all things, I went to a Michael Buble concert (friend of a friend gave us Founders Area seats). Now Buble is not my thing, but I have to say he is quite charming and talented, and does put on a good show. I enjoyed it. I particularly enjoyed his opening act, Naturally 7, who I had seen years before on the Tonight Show or some such. Their instrumentation is all "vocal play", meaning the sounds of guitars, drums, horns, etc, are all from their voices. They would be great just singing, but the "vocal play" is actually pretty amazing. I considered throwing my panties on stage.

Mitch.

2010-06-26T10:49:00.004-04:00

There is a lot of speculation about what happened to Mitchell, but to me it is pretty clear now. My first instinct was to think that he ended his own life somehow. He had broken up with his boyfriend and had generally had struggles with depression and anxiety, among his health problems including but not limited to HIV. Now that his final affairs are coming to a close I realize that Mitch was far to narcissistic to ever kill himself. I think that the wear and tear on his body from degenerative disc disease, and a plethora of medications for all sorts of ailments including Adderal, became too much for his body to handle and his heart stopped. This is what his family believes and what I believe and either way, it’s very sad.

Mitch had his ups and downs. In NYC we shared that apartment, The Compound, and he would open its doors to anyone who needed a place to stay. It was truly, at times, a boarding house for the wayward, and for any amount of selfishness he displayed there was an equal amount of generosity. He was generous to a fault.

In our last conversations I encouraged him not to lose ground in his struggles with drugs and his health as the result of some stupid boy. He took that to heart. I reminded him that he was a whole person and anytime he felt lonely to remember that he was not alone.

When I moved back to North Carolina he moved back to New York. The distance and my own busy life caused me to neglect his calls sometimes, to go periods without reaching out. But when we communicated, Mitch listened to all the ins and outs of my life, and there are things about which I could only talk to Mitch, as only Mitch would understand. Despite our disagreements on certain things, Mitch was one person I could count on to know where I was coming from in what I expected and wanted from the world. Even when I was appalled by him (“MITCH!”) I knew that we had far more in common than our differences. And he loved me for both commonalities and differences, and I him.

Mitch had been on a search for meaning in his life, he searched for God and spirituality and love. I wish that he could see how loved he was, how many people have reached out to his family. How many people will be at his memorial service tonight.

My mom informed me: “It’s going around he had AIDS. Do you know?” This of course rubs me all kinds of wrong ways. First the ignorance of what AIDS is versus HIV. They are not interchangeable terms. Second, the fact that this “rumor” is “going around.” Mitch had no secrets and was pretty open about his HIV status. So while people may be gossiping about the dead, whispering that he was infected with a disease, the fact is it was no secret and while a source of conflict and suffering for him, not a source of shame.

In the South, society deems few things worse than being queer. One of those things is being a “queer with AIDS”.

I told my mom that being HIV positive does not make someone a bad person. I told her that it bothers me that people, even people close to the family, would be whispering about this when Mitch would speak about it at regular conversational volume. Unlike Mitch I have to leave well enough alone, though. I didn’t want to get into it further, for any question to turn to my obvious sexuality, or for her or anyone to say something stupid along the lines of myself being in danger by breathing his same air.

Meanwhile Mitch’s family didn’t really hear me when I shared that he was a member of the MCC in Winston Salem. They wanted the pastor at the service to be one who knew Mitch, so they got one who pastured at their church when he was a child. Nevermind that he had a pastor in Winston more recently, and many friends in that congregation, all of whom will attend his service. It would be pointless for me to advocate for something different than what they are going to do.

In Mitch’s honor I am going to make an effort to do something that he did with his family: set the precedent that I will not avoid, deny, or be silent about who I am. I told Mitch I admired that about him, whereas I have allowed there to be something easier for me, just not talking about who I am, what my views are, and how I live my life.

Mitch had his flaws, his mistakes, and his moments as we all do. In the end though I will remember him as someone who loved people, easily made friends, and made me laugh.

At his service tonight I will make sure that we are not honoring the wrong person.

RIP Mitch

2010-06-23T23:47:00.000-04:00

RIP my cousin and friend Mitchell "Luna", affectionately known as Lito on these pages.

"Time is the fire in which we burn."