The Uniboob Club: BREAST CANCER DOES NOT DEFINE ME AS A WOMAN,BUT MY BATTLE WITH BREAST CANCER DOES!

State of Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Tue, 29 Nov 2011 17:33:00 +0000

Have you ever seen the State farm ad, State of Chaos? Poor, poor, Dwayne, while most of his neighborhood is fleeing from an out of control robot monster taking over the street, a couple well meaning, but seriously over chatty neighbors are commentating on the destruction of Dwayne’s life as everything he owns is torn apart. We have all lived through times like this and quite honestly felt as if we served as the commentary for those who have nothing better to do than chat about how our lives are falling apart. Life is harsh and can be unpredictable. No mater how hard we try, plan or even push ourselves, everything we thought was meant to be in our lives can crumble, leaving us with the pieces.

Have you ever felt as if life was coming at you from every side? Seriously, you know those kinds of days, maybe even weeks, when everything that CAN, WILL come against you? Lights go out because you forgot to pay the bill, you swallowed a swig of sour milk with your stale donut, stubbed your toe into the bed post or your computer crashed right before you hit “save”. We have all had those kinds of days. No one is immune. Sometimes life goes sideways. Actually it may even turn upside down at the same time. What once made sense to you is now a bunch of mumbled nonsense. The best part of it all, well that’s finding out there’s no interpreter on sight to explain what has happened in the last 3o seconds. Life is a big experiment, sometimes we add the right combination of elements and sometimes we cross the absolutely best parts of ourselves with the worst of situations. So how do we handle being sideways and upside down at the same time? Well, it’s a bit tricky but it can be done.

The one thing I have learned in my life, from growing up with diabetes, to living through breast cancer, is this: life is not easy. You can invest your time, your heart and your family into a life long mortgage and still lose it all, have it pulled right out from under your feet, emotionally, spiritually and physically. But what I also know is sometimes we have to lose it all to find ourselves. I have learned this lesson many times in my life thinking I was investing in the right people, the perfect idea, or even in a fool proof plan yet time and time again I end up sideways looking at myself through some odd shaped carnival mirror realizing I have been painted as a clown.

Now for many of us this is not where we want to be, part of a circus, playing the role of the clown, being laughed at by spectators. True it’s not the ideal job description is it? Let’s face it being the ring master or one of the lead acts seems like prime time, far better to be walking that tight rope, receiving applause than painting your face and having people laugh at you on a daily basis. Who wants to feel alone and undiscovered? Yet, there is one truth I know is absolute, learning to laugh at yourself, to put yourself last, being part of the bigger picture, and not the center of it is a big part of becoming selfless and putting yourself on the track to bigger and yes better opportunities. Once you can step back and accept where you are standing, sitting, heck even twisted up like a pretzel stuffed into a box for the time being, you can begin navigating a way through the craziness. Lets face it life is a 3 ring circus anyway you look at it. Some days we are the spectators, others we are part of the act, maybe even the road crew. We may not always get the chance to play the part we want, or snag the seat we thought we could but either way we are all part of the show in some way or another. What it comes down to is how are you personally going to adapt to the circumstances you have been ushered into sideways, upside down or right side up?

Like Dwayne, our lives can seem out of control. We can feel like everything we own has been destroyed, everyone we keep close has gone missing and every plan we have ever made has been torn to shreds’. But the truth is this: sometimes we need to start over, begin again, start from scratch and allow God’s hand to navigate each of one of us through the chaos surrounding our lives. Living for ourselves is easy, but surrendering our own suffering to the hands of another is not so easy. Being in charge seems simpler than allowing a guide we want nothing to do with to show us the back roads, to help us find our way, especially when it means acknowledging our way is not working.

The weight of our problems are not big enough to slip through His hands, we just need to reach out and take His direction and He will catch us, all our fears, insecurities and all. The one lesson I have been taught over and over again is this: if God can put the stars in the sky, if He can count every hair on my head, then my state of chaos is certainly not too big for God to mend. Sure I may not be able to see every plan God has for me. I am so far from perfect, full of dents, dings and the Lord knows scars, but all the pieces pulled together paint a completely different picture than the one I thought was being painted on my torn canvas.

Seriously how are we going to change the world if we can’t change ourselves friends? We can’t give up, but we can take a new path, find gratefulness in the journey, no matter how rough it can be. No one wants a front seat to pain, to sorrow and to unfulfilled dreams yet sometimes we have to sit through the first act, filled with agony, maybe even bad acting to be able to experience the joy and happiness of the second act in our lives. There’s always another story, another side to the coin, another way to see the circumstances. It’s all a choice friends; it’s all in how you see the story end, not how it begins. Things happen in our lives that keep us from reaching our goals, but God never stops us from reaching His goals! When we can’t see through the door in front of us, when the curtain won’t come down, or even go up, when we feel let down..again, when the cancer comes, when the job goes, when the day just can’t get any worse… our HOPE survives, endures and breathes life back into the desperate canvas we see in front of us. How can I say this? Well, while the commentary in the background may be keeping count of our failures, the forgiveness of grace does not. Life is put in motion from the moment we take our first breath, yet life does not truly begin until we learn to let go, to accept our failures, embrace the ups with the downs and find grace where we stand… sideways, upside down or standing straight up. No matter where the day leads you, into a state of chaos or part of three ring circus, remember friend, you are right where you need to be today. So I have to ask you, which path are you going to choose… the one worn and tried or the path less traveled waiting just ahead?

~Christina

When the Darkness Rises

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Fri, 28 Oct 2011 14:21:00 +0000

What a beautiful mess we are in God’s sight, beautiful in our imperfection and fears. I know I am not strong enough to rise above each and every struggle I face; at least not alone anyway. Lately I have been reaching deeper than ever before into my faith, believing my anxious heart can see past the unsure moment of now, knowing I have nothing to fear despite the voices of uncertainty closing in on me. Nothing can separate His love from my life, even when I doubt Him; He is there with me, holding my life in His hands even when I am running full speed in the other direction.

The world’s dreams slip like water through my hands on a daily basis but does that mean I am empty, that I have nothing left to hold on to? Sure I have been to the darkest of places too many times to mention. Sometimes I can see the darkness coming; sometimes it sneaks up on me. Either way I am generally frozen as the sky begins to grow dark and the clouds roll in full of worry, fear, despair and chains eager to tie me down to my own insecurities and failures. When the darkness sets in it can seem as if there is no light in sight, we may feel as if we have been abandoned, left to the wolves, dropped into an endless dark ocean, even a flash flood, all alone without a life preserver. Life can take all we know and turn it not only upside down but sideways. We can fall into each pothole, trip over each fallen branch, each rock in the road as we stumble through the endless darkness of night.

Sometimes, when life takes a sharp twisted turn down an unknown road, full of cries in the dark, winds whipping across our faces in agony and vines reaching out to pull us further into the dead of night we tend to freeze, to close our eyes and hope it will all just go away. But what happens when we finally open our eyes and nothing has changed? Do we fall deeper into the darkness, do we give up or do we fight our way through it? Change will come, night will pass and the Sun will rise, no doubt. The rain falls, yet the sun still rises and shines down on our faces does it not? We can lose count of the nights, the cold icy sleepless nights we spend out here in the wilderness. It can seem as if the pain is here to stay, permanently attached to our hearts but the truth in my life, in the faith I hold to is when we are hurt He hurts, when we cry He cries, His mercy reaches to lift us up from the pits of despair, wrapping His warmth all around us through the cold dark night.

God hears us; we are His children, we are apart of His heart. His hand is always there for me, even when I cannot see it personally, I can feel it touching me, I can feel His love surrounding me despite the deep dark empty space I am way too aware of around me . I am always in need of His grace, but no matter what the day brings, my faith is found in this grace, this mercy and this love. My hope is never-ending because I know I am never alone! Don’t give up friends, stay the course, wipe the dirt off your face and know that these tears flowing from inside your heart is the courage of your soul pouring out!

Go ahead, grab up those sticks and branches of what you see as failures in your life and stir a fire within your being. Let it stretch up into the darkness of your night, dance and sing; let your voice rise above the fear surrounding you. Go ahead let the lord of darkness know the Lord of Light is coming for you and His light will chase the fear, the despair and the eeriness of night away. Joy comes in the morning light as mercy comes running, and it is then we can see what we thought was unbearable, what was so freighting has passed.

The truth is we all come undone, fall apart, but God’s embrace, the touch of His grace pulls all those broken pieces back together again. Sure they may not all be in the same place we had them, but the truth is sometimes it’s the revelation of brokenness that creates a whole new work of art in our lives. Sometimes these dark, dusty, back roads full of things that go bump in the night is actually our Father working ahead of us, reinforcing the path in front of us, making it wider, paving and setting the road for us to travel down with Him.

So when the darkness rises again and it will let me assure you, I know fear will slip her way into my heart, but I am also fervently aware peace will overcome the shadows of fear and despair because I am not defined by the mistakes I make, I am made new each and every morning by the same grace within me. Did He not calm the seas, say Peace be still? So then why do we doubt He can calm our own chaotic lives, fill us with His grace, and bring the waters of fear and despair to a peaceful calm? Maybe now is the time to stretch our arms toward His grace, maybe this is the hour He will heal our broken hearts, calm our worrisome and fearful souls awakening our hearts, shining light through the darkness of our deepest night? All we have to do let go of all our expectations and believe, taking that first step of faith knowing He can make all things new! Does this mean everyday we will rise above flying across the sky, strong and courageous? Well courageous yes, strong not always but the one thing I have come to know without doubt is our struggles here on earth define each one of us; mold us into men and women of strength, of real true courage. We are made for more than the brokenness life brings us and even when the demons of night come to steal our hope, it's never truly taken from us is it? Looking back at the old road I was traveling before the night fell, I can tell you I am grateful for the darkness I have had to face, because with the rise of the Sun, a new day has begun and I can see all the new possibilities He has carved out for me.

~Christina

One of Dr. Finklestein’s Experiments Gone Wrong

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 15:31:00 +0000

Have you ever asked yourself how people with what you may feel are hideous scars, deep, penetrating reminders of something gone wrong, face the mirror? I ask myself this question everyday as I catch my breath and a glimpse of my own scars out of the side of my eyes. I see where the beast came and ran her claws through me, scratched, dug and caused not just my body but my heart to bleed. I see the devastation she brought to my physical body, the loss, the pain and her name tattooed into my chest, a reminder she has marked me for all my days of my life here on this earth. At times I wonder if I am little more than the remnants of one of Dr. Finklestein’s experiments gone wrong. I can honestly say I have felt many times as if I am Sally from Nightmare before Christmas sewing her arm back on time and time again, always with a smile, yet still locked up in a tower trying to escape, as Dr. Finklestein keeps her hidden away from the town below.

I have spent many a night on my knees, pouring out my fears, honest tears and hopelessness to the Lord wanting to escape this tower of terror I have felt myself trapped inside. The difference between God and Dr. Finklestein is that He has not locked me away, in a tower all alone, truthfully God sees a work of timeless art, beauty beyond measure, and a life forged from broken glass becoming perfectly designed stained glass in the fire. This broken road breast cancer intended for my life, has become a brightly lit detour leading me to freedom. In all this time I have had breast cancer burning her name across my chest she has never once taken my hope, my faith or my belief that life still waits for me outside this tower, this dark town that she wants to tie me down to is not my fate.

Morning still comes, despite the darkness night brought. The suffering of the beast’s grip can be at times almost overwhelming, but during those times I have learned to push the pedal down, close my eyes and keep my hands on the wheel. I may be broken, I may be disfigured and I may look to the eye upon first glance as hopelessly un-mend-able but I am not Humpty Dumpty. The king’s men may not have been able to put him back together again but my God, my King has made me whole again despite the broken pieces dumped at His feet. Sure to the naked eye, to the mirror in front of me I may still seem broken, torn apart and ruggedly stitched back together, but by God’s grace I have been glued and sewn back together, reconstructed into a beautiful, living, soul. I have been touched by His grace, given life in spite of the beast’s death roar. He has taken my lifeless, deflated spirit and breathed new life back into me, shown His light, taken me by the hand and faced the mirror with me, side by side, hand in hand.

Yes I am the face of cancer’s brutality, she has striped me of my breast, pulled out each and every strand of my hair, the very ones God took the time to count each and every day, left me watching my own tear drops fall but my hope is in the Father who has restored my life. I am a survivor today not because of my own doing, but by the grace residing inside this demolished, worn out, broken, cut upon, stitched back together again body. By God’s grace I have been rescued from the gates of death and fear, I am a life scared by breast cancer, but I am also a woman whose life has been rescued from the clutches of despair, reclaimed and placed back on solid ground by His love and mercy.

My faith runs deep through my veins, despite the fact I have had to cry out from the ashes. I may have fallen flat on my face, I may not have the once perfect canvas I did in my 20’s but I have this amazingly, designed, scared, chiseled out work of art of for a life I see facing me back in the mirror all these years after the C word came kicking my door down. Sure the sting of pain still likes to sear through my body, reminding me the beast has marked me, still I have faith, I trust in my Lord, the one who sees beauty inside my soul despite what they world may see as they look imaging what my scared physical body must look like.

Friends, I have been weary and afraid, I have felt the weight of this world, felt robbed of my outward beauty, of the life I had planned but I have felt God’s hand heal me, touch my body, my heart and fill my spirit with hope. I have been renewed despite the shape I am in, despite Dr. Finklestein’s experiment gone sideways. Sure to the world I may seem nothing more than a stitched up rag doll, but to my Father I am beautiful, I have been perfectly and wonderful made, delivered from the clutches of despair and given a second chance, scars, stitches and all, to live life out loud, not just as a survivor, but as a brighter soul ready to live life gloriously in the light of day. Heart ache has tried to make my heart her home, time and time again, but no matter what I trust each brush stoke my Creator makes across this canvas is part of a bigger picture. I may not have the insight right here and now to understand why He has chosen blue and not yellow hues but all the same I am humbled and amazed by His love, burning like a fire inside my heart. How is this possible, because He has made me whole from the inside out, where I go, is where He is and I am never alone, ever!

~Christina

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Mon, 26 Sep 2011 18:03:00 +0000

CBF is hosting our 1st Annual Walk For Hope. Come join us for a great cause! We will be walking, running or rolling a 5K - this is not a race...more like taking the girls for a walk. So what are you doing for BREAST CANCER AWARENESS month? How about walking in memory of a loved one or walking beside a friend or family member touched by breast cancer? Get a team together or just come out with friends, family or even your church and help support a local non profit!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Race starts at 11:00am

Lonestar College Kingwood, TX

To be sure you get your hands on one of our FABULOUS T-shirts, register today which will guarantee you a Race Day shirt (you can download your forms and email them to us at uniboobclub@gmail.com by following the link below) if you are using paypal ( see left side tab). If not be sure to have your form and check in the mail to CBF P.O. Box 2463 porter, Tx 77365, post-dated by 9/30 to take advantage of the Pre-registration price of $15.

Pre-Registration will be $15 per person if received or postmarked by September 30th. October 1st-22nd (the day of the walk) the Registration fee will be $20 per person. We will only be able to guarantee T-shirt sizes until October 7th though. Each participant will receive an awesome t-shirt and one ticket for their chance to win one of several fabulous door prizes. Please be sure to mark on the Registration Form if you are a Breast Cancer Survivor so we can order you a Pink T-shirt.

(Click this link to print the Registration form for the walk) Walk for Hope Registration Form

Race day we will have T -shirt pickup, late registration, vendors, temporary tattoos, raffles, door prizes, pictures with you and your family, the The Snuggie Guy will be on site to meet and greet and all survivors ( as long as they are registered) will receive gift bags.

Please keep in mind, no one with Christina's Breast Friends receives a paycheck, everything we do is done out of compassion and the belief we are here to support our neighbors. This walk will not only benefit families living with BREAST CANCER in the greater Houston area with everyday support but with much needed help during the upcoming Holiday season.

~Christina

Fearless

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 15 Sep 2011 15:02:00 +0000

Today I want to share a part of me I rarely open up to anyone. True I am an open book on any given day at any given time just ask my family, they will give you a resounding yep. I tend to hold nothing back especially when it comes to my battle with breast cancer. I embrace my scars, my battle wounds and I do not apologize for any one of them. I have pretty much been one of those gals who wears her heart on her sleeve from the get go. Honestly from the time I was a little girl I would speak my mind, mostly to my parents dismay. As a teenager I had my heart broken more times than I can shake a stick at. As I became a woman I found I tended not just to open the windows to my heart , nope instead I couldn’t seem to stop myself from throwing open the front door, making myself a welcome mate for anyone I allowed my heart to warm up to.

Now I bet you are wondering how this has anything to do with breast cancer right. Well, let me clue you in, those of us with soft, tender hearts on our sleeves tend to find ourselves trying to please everyone else around us. We may be surrounded by folks fully capable of carrying the trash to the curb yet we will take the trash out literally , dragging it, pushing it out the door as our stitches pop one at a time, all the while assuring everyone around us how wonderful we are. Seriously, those with the kindest hearts, with the least available to give, tend to be the ones giving everything while being over looked the most, judged without mercy and left bandaging up our hearts alone.

I am opening up about this today because in the last few weeks I have had the chance to speak heart to heart with several of my sisters in arms as I like to call them. Some are fellow sister survivors, some in remission and others still in the middle of the fight but all with one thing in common: breast cancer. We share two common cords of heart break, loneliness and abandonment. Now I bet you are asking yourself how can this be? Christina, alone, abandoned, heart broken? Well yes actually, I have been and at times I still can be. I’m a straight shooter so first let me say I am just like you; I am human not wonder woman. I do not have some fancy invisible red or bright pink cape that only those around me see, enabling me to overcome anything and everything coming my way. I may seem fearless, never afraid of the dark and the things that go bump but the truth is the wolves still come to my door each and every night. Cancer fighters, survivors are just as human, just as likely to hurt, to worry and to need to overcome life’s hurdles as you are. We have just as many bad days as anyone else, in fact maybe even a few more than average if you really think about it. Seriously just being able to say mastectomy, chemo and tram flap in one sentence without blinking is either a sign we have lost our minds or that we have a great sense of humor. Your laid back, beautiful, lazy sunny afternoon may be our sick beyond description, hurl and wipe your face kind of day. These types of miserable afternoons are generally kept hidden, in the back ground, with an excuse me and a smile, followed by pulling back the old tattered cape and wishing this obnoxious beast would just leave us alone! Most would have no clue how our day has careened into the wrong lane of on coming traffic because our smiles never fade, our hope always endures despite how hard, and how bad our good day is going.

I am not alone in this conversation, feeling I need to balance the world of cancer and all her struggles squarely on top of my shoulders alone. I recently chatted with friends who like me feel bad , as if we are sinning to a degree if we let the cat out of the bag, trying to balance it all so no one has to really feel our fear, our hurt and the sometimes frightening image reflected in our own mirrors. We tend to tip toe around the subject, apologizing to one another for opening the front door and spilling the beans not wanting to impose on anyone. There is no way, as mothers we are going to fail at anything right? We can ride a bike, cape whipping in the wind behind us, holding the world up on our shoulders, just like Atlas without blinking right? Sure we can, handle bars are for sissies anyway, go on tie that cape a little tighter, we may be able to actually fly if we try hard enough. Come on Brother, Sister Guilt, give me an amen! You can bet your bottom dollar as Wonder Women we are not going to admit Super Man may be stronger than we are! The real down and dirty truth is those fighting cancer, especially women, no matter how strong they are, still need help building a refuge no matter how good we are at making our house a home.

The thing is this, we all have been told to just call if we need help, to ask but have you ever just stopped to think that call will never come from the ones who need help the most? Reason says pick up the phone, call ask for a meal, ask for someone to sit by your side as the chemo flows through your veins, but then your invisible cape gets in the way and you decide not to be a bother. You are Wonder Woman after all, you have a shiny invisible cape everyone else see but you, your heart remembers how strong you’re suppose to be and how grateful you have been told you need to be because after all your cancer isn’t as bad as so and so’s. For whatever reason folks tend to compare one cancer experience with another even if they themselves have NEVER had cancer! It’s as if they need to hand out first, second and third place medals, raise the flag, play someone else’s anthem and put you in a box for all to see. Can I just say this is not sound advice! This trivializes the pain, the fear and amplifies the anguish of cancer’s deep reaching claws. Cancer is an ordeal for everyone involved, everyone feels the torment, but sadly sometime it’s the woman living, coping with, fighting, and raging against the beast we call breast cancer who finds herself left in the dust picking her self up all alone.

You’ve heard the old saying, “I am women hear me roar right”? Well the thing is so many of us mothers, wives, daughters and grandmothers still think we can roar, but when we open our lungs up to let it rip, all we hear is a squeak. Do not get me wrong, no matter how much cancer takes from us we are still strong, tough and even if we have to crawl to the fight we are in all or nothing. It’s just many times those women we see as pillars of strength are the very same who struggle alone in the depth of their souls with the agony, affliction, distress, grief and misery of cancer’s suffering just so those they love do not have to feel the ache of the beast’s sorrow. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried out to my Lord above to take the wheel! How many times I have felt I was on the edge of the abyss without a rope to pull me back. I have felt alone, without a chance in earth, hell or heaven of making it out alive. I have cried out inside as I have listened to folks with good intentions go on about how excited they are to rejoice with me because I’m going to meet Jesus first! Oh yes, these are the times those of us living with cancer stamped across our foreheads want to scream, pull out what is left of our hair and run down the street tearing our clothes off, shouting the sky is falling!

So what can you do? Well, let me shine a little light, even if is with my half filled lighter in the dark, on this issue. Take charge of your actions, do not trivialize the pain, don’t try and bury it, don’t make light of someone else’s life or death struggle and don’t compare one battle with another, because seriously those of us fighting are all part of the same war! Get involved, pick up a phone, call and just listen. Don’t just offer to help, instead pick up the kids from school, take them with your family for the day, cook a meal and just bring it by. Be there for those you love, those who you know love you, those who would never leave or abandon you on the battlefield. Step up, unpack your bags and stay for a while, think twice before going awol when your needed the most! And most of all join the fight against breast cancer by planting your feet right where you are. If we are going to drag each other through hell and back head first, fearless, then let’s be sure we are holding one another’s hand, side by side, not pushing one another through a door too small, into a ditch too deep or over the edge of a cliff too wide. Don’t just offer shelter, help gather the supplies needed to build one, be part of the solution, not the problem, lend an ear not an answer, provide some comfort, act on your promises and help your friend retire that old worn out, torn invisible cape. Believe me you will both be glad you did!

~Christina

Stand up, Hook up, Shuffle to the Door

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Fri, 26 Aug 2011 14:27:00 +0000

I was reminded about a week ago of just how unpredictable life can be. We are never fully ready for the storm, no matter how much we prepare or how hard we brace for the first wave. In the end all we can really do is sit back and pray for the best. Once we have checked our to do list off, prepared our homes, our lives and our families for the worst to come what can we do except huddle together, holding each other’s hands and close our eyes?

We can pray, we can believe in spite of the winds, the distance between us and the ground below, the chaos building up inside of us and the gunfire all around us that God has a plan. I have to say I have always had a way of asking God in my own are you kidding attitude kind of way what He was up to in my life, why this, why now and yes even why me? I have spent many days looking over my own plans, my escape route, and my emergency evacuation blueprints and simply shook my head wondering what was wrong with my way of doing things?

Why couldn’t life just turn out the way I dreamed, the way I wanted, the way I planed it to, why did it have to go awry in such an extreme way? Well the one thing I have come to realize is sometimes we are not meant to know the whys till years later. Sometimes taking a leap of faith is the best course of action, even if it does make sense. Granted the gap between here and there may very well be wide enough to make us cringe and back away! Believe me I have had confusion and disorder reign supreme in my life over the last 5 years! I can’t tell you how many times the turbulent rain and winds from the raging storm just outside my door has blow through my windows leaving my life in disarray, a complete mess in need a bull dozer to clean up the turmoil left behind.

I have muddled and rummaged through what was left of my life, scrambled to save the shambles, tried to piece back together the disorder and turn down the racket of cancer’s havoc. I am telling you with un-abandoned certainty cancer has kicked my butt more times than I can shake a stick at. Seriously take a look around at my life, I have lost a breast, I have more scars than I want to acknowledge, bold and ugly from side to side, top to bottom all from cuts, deep and brutal. I have a disfigured body in a perfectly perfect image kind of world. Where having an immaculate body, impeccable; unblemished, uninjured; scathless, intact practically super human perfect body is the driving appetite, thirst and aspiration so many of us diet, starve and push our bodies to become. I would say sadly, but the truth is I am not disgruntled about my less then perfect body anymore. I may not always find myself attractive, beautiful or the image of how my dream life should have turned out but I am comfortable in the skin I am in!

So what happened to my glass of red wine, strawberry eating, nice romantic life filled with dancing by candle light? Where did my once young, beautiful, two breasted chest go? I’ll tell you where, out the door into the war zone I was dropped into with the hurricane strength winds that blew through my life 5 years ago leaving a path of destruction, areas of major devastation in need of a disaster relief area plan! If you ask me I will tell you at times I am convinced I am trapped inside a movie life scenario watching everything I am, everything I once longed to be tipped upside down, shaken till my pockets were completely emptied and swept out to sea by cancer’s chaos. So as I begin readying myself for the next battle, for the new storm surge on the horizon I am reminded of God’s plan for my life. A plan I fought many times, yet found refuge in. I am not fearless in the face of this beast and her constantly reaching claws, but I am brave in the faith I hold inside my heart.

Next week I will undergo my 11th surgery within the last 5 years. Why, well I have recently suffered a few complications. Now don’t worry too much I am still in remission, but my body has undergone so much while fighting this beast, weathering her storm over and over again that it has just buckled under the stress a bit. We all have battle wounds, no matter how big or small they are and mine have come calling. If I told you I was undauntedly fearless I would be lying to you because I am apprehensive, but as any good soldier knows you still have to press on. My dad has always said there are no promises in combat and so I understand that each and every time I go into battle, ready myself for conflict with this beast I am not guaranteed anything! What I do know is I have a plan, not my plan, but God’s on my side. No matter what comes tomorrow when the new day begins, when the sun shines once again I will still be in God’s hands, under His watchful eyes and within His perfect design. He knows tomorrow‘s forecast, He knows if the battle plan will be victorious so for today I will prepare, bracing for the storm ahead and gather with my family knowing we have done everything possible to prepare for the mission ahead. All I have left to do now is rest in His grace and wait for the Jumpmaster to say, “Stand up, hook up, shuffle to the door “...

~Christina

A Personal Letter

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Fri, 19 Aug 2011 16:35:00 +0000

Hello Friends,

I know summer time is a crazy, very busy time between the kids out of school, vacations and just having more time on our hands to be outdoors. Things have been hoping for Christina's Breast Friends the past few weeks! We have had several opportunities to gather support, come together and to offer hope in the war against breast cancer this summer. Here at CBF summer has not changed the needs still coming in from not just the local area but from some of the areas surrounding those local communities we serve. We have not turned anyone away in need. What does that mean? Well it means we need you now more than ever! What I am really asking you is to search your hearts and dig deep, to help CBF continue to support our community, those you know and love, to pay it forward because this is just the beginning , CBF ‘s future is bright and there is so much more to come! So my friends, if you will give me just a few minutes I’d like to share what amazing moments CBF has been presented with!

What are we doing right now? Well CBF is currently providing support to five families living with or recovering from a breast cancer diagnosis. As we have made ourselves ready for service, God has given us many opportunities to bless and to be blessed by 7 families touched by cancer’s grip. In the last 3-4 months CBF has prepared and delivered 11 fresh hot meals, 10 backpacks filled with supplies, 10 quilts and back to school clothes for 3 families, 4 children total. Our mission reaches much father than this as we hope to be able to provide portraits to families in treatment, holiday gifts and a party to celebrate Hope during the holiday season, baskets filled with skin care products and gift cards to help with gas, groceries and incidentals, a first chemo haircut and to be able to provide a trip for 1-2 families currently or up to 12 months out of treatment enabling them to refresh, relax and to create memories with their families.

So you are asking what could a small gropu of folks possibly accomplish? Well let me share with you what a little team work can do: I am quoting my friend and fellow CBF board member Dana here, “Christina's Breast Friends & Miss Sarah - the AMAZING young lady who worked so hard getting school supplies donated for children whose families have been impacted by breast cancer did a fantastic job; she deserves to receive her Girl Scout Silver Award for getting so many supplies donated for a great cause! We have many friends to thank for their generosity; CBF truly appreciates your kindness. All of these supplies will go to families in need! CBF even had one family there today to accept their new backpacks and filled them with almost all of the supplies on their lists.”

What have we done with all these supplies? So far we have delivered 10 backpacks filled with school supplies to families touched by a cancer diagnosis. Just think what we can do once we hit the deep end of the ocean?

We truly NEED YOUR HELP to continue with our mission. Each person who steps up to the plate, not only pays it forward but ensures a family coping with a breast cancer diagnosis receives the support they so desperately need. Remember we are a complete and total volunteer organization; we are not paid for our time or for our own expenses. The bottom line is without your support we are unable to reach out to local area families in need. Please consider sending in a donation (be looking for our online denation button coming soon), being part of an event or providing a meal for a family currently undergoing treatment. Without your support our mission will fail. There is no easy way to put it... without you, your support, donations and kindness we can not continue to make CBF a reality. I am a can do kind of girl, so my question is this, who’s in?

~Christina

Check out our web page! Christina's Breast Friends

Learning to LOVE the Skin We’re in (Dents and All)

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Sun, 07 Aug 2011 04:53:00 +0000

What is the first word which comes to your mind when you think of a car wreck? How about destruction, devastation, crippling, marred, out of commission, shot to pieces? Any of the above ring a bell? Well the truth is being diagnosed with breast cancer is basically like a car wreck. Maybe you didn’t see it coming or you may have indeed had notice but the fact is you are still sliding into this situation, this pile up of crushed hopes and dreams in slow motion helpless to stop any of the careening chaos ahead.

Breast Cancer, two words that slice through your heart, bringing devastation and hardship beyond any nightmare Freddy on Elm Street could ever cook up! A three alarm fire has erupted, and you are tied down at the very center of its flames! Being suddenly thrown into the Big C can take away your ability to respond or cope with anything else. You may feel impaired, on the ropes, out of gas, paralyzed, and just plain afraid, anxious, frightened and apprehensive. By the time the Big C has had her way with you and your body I can tell you from my own experience in the drivers seat life can become very turbulent. So let’s get real for a few seconds, past all the “I am hope” spiel; having your breast whacked off then thrown into the incinerator is just ludicrous certainly not a walk in the park. Once you get past the idea of saying goodbye to your boobie you are well on your way to placing an expander inside your chest, a technology wonder of wonders, where a breast used to be. Finally after letting your boobie go you're under the influence of replacing what once was. Stretching your skin till you scream just to fit your brand new, better than ever, first class, absolute perfection of an implant that will make you whole again right? Presto, you are complete with a sparkling, bouncy, very perky one sided boobie, but what does this really mean anyway? A new boobie, is what! Can I get a hallelujah and pass the potatoes? Alright the truth, the deep down and dirty, nitty gritty gravy sopping truth is this: Your new boobie is nothing like the real thing, there is nothing remotely familiar about out of the box boobie, it’s not a bigger and better boob, and it won't make you feel whole or complete just because it's shaped like a breast. Any salesman trying to offer you perfection wrapped up in misery is not worth your time. My advice is to be sure you begin moving briskly towards the door and the opposite direction of a dotted line until you have faced your inner mirrior. A new boobie is great, but in order to be whole, to feel complete you have to accept the new you, dents, dings and scars. Before you jump in feet first you MUST be comfortable in your own skin, missing boobie and all.

Truth is I lost my boobie, my hair, eye lashes, and eye brows at 32 years old. Sure everything came back better than ever, without any help I might add, with the exception of my boobie! Learning to love the skin I am in has been a process. Being comfortable with who I am, as a one boobed, thirty something woman has been an adventure let me tell you! I have stood in the mirror many times, tracing over my long, somewhat faded scars stretched across my chest, across both breasts and down under my arm. I have felt the fear of disfigurement, as if a crater had been dug out into my body, leaving me less of a woman so many mornings it wold make your head spin facing the bathroom mirror. I would not be honest if I didn't tell you I have sunk to the bottom of my shower, with tears in my eyes, asking God how this could be fair anywhere , in any universe He had control over. I have felt disgusting, grotesque, hideous, homely, repulsive, ugly, unattractive as if I am defect, tarnished and corroded.

I have looked at my life as a car wreck many times, surveyed the dents and the dings, contemplated having my life towed off to the junk yard, scraped and left for worthless parts but the real honest to goodness truth is I am not hopeless, I am not a heap of trash or a pile of rusty old lifeless scrap metal. Sure my life has been interrupted by the Big C but it was not relinquished because cancer interrupted my life for a few unsolicited messages! What my life was and could have been was shaken to the core, tossed around and left for the buzzards. Life after the Big C has been a day to day, stop and go, hit the breaks, running low on gas, push, pull and tow kind of journey but the thing is this friends the life I lead now is right where I need to be, where I landed, on my feet, in God’s hands, with a wider view of life’s ups and downs and yes a few more puzzle pieces to snap in place along the road, but full of life, full of joy even in a make shift, rusted old car! I may have some extra dents I hadn’t planned on, but just like Mater in Cars 2, when he is offered a chance to fix what the world sees as imperfections, I am OK with keeping my dents perfectly in place. Sure I may be a simple tow truck, rusted and banged up, full of unsightly dents, one head light missing with a dilapidated old fender and no hood but just like Mater, “You can’t touch my dents”. I may not have made every dent with Lightening McQueen but I sure did get every one of these unsymmetrical, unappealing, yet radiant, life changing dents along this journey, this adventure of sorts in the company of so many wonderful companions and compatriots.

Together we have created these radiant, ravishing, extremely beautiful imperfect dents in life, they are truly memorable memories, remembrances that inspire us, challenge us to rise above our own idea of perfection allowing our lives to become a narrative, a story, a tragedy turned into good fortune, a blessing, a miracle handing us triumph over the defeat of a Big C's diagnosis. We no longer have to give in, succumb, surrender, and yield to defeat just because we have a new dent on the exterior canvas of life. Instead, I challenge you to embrace the “dents” life brings your way, whether cancer creates them or not. Stop for just one second and realize them dents are valuable friend! Just like our old friend Mater, go ahead love those dents, be crazy about ‘em, be crazy for ‘em, be crazy over ‘em, be mad about ‘em, go nuts over ‘em , be stuck on ‘em, be wild about ‘em and cherish each dent you have acquired because when all is said and done, each one indeed has made you uniquely you!

~Christina

Dealing with Cancer Bullies

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 20:06:00 +0000

We have all been affected by bullies, in one way or another. Unfortunately it’s part of the growing up process, a problem we all face. Sadly bullying has become an increasingly wide spread problem even amongst adults especially with advances in technology. As a child I dealt with bullies, those who didn’t like me personally for one reason or another, but mostly by those who felt threatened by my inner joy in the face of trying circumstances. I hate to say this but bullying, at least the kind I grew up with before the age of texting, emails and facebook was one of those terrible ways we learned to deal with confrontation, to develop a thicker skin so to speak. But in today’s world the problem is we have no refuge from bullies, they are everywhere, and they have access to every part of our lives, not just an opportune meeting behind the school dumpster anymore but far greater and damaging means. Bullies terrorize the lives of those they see as weak; they are merciless, pitiless, stone-hearted, harsh, heartless, unsparing, callous, beastly, cold-blooded, ruthless, unkind and calculating. Come to think about it in many ways bullies and cancer are cut from the same clothe.

Let’s face it many of us have been bullied all our lives while for others we might in our adult lives be dealing with a bully situation for the very first time. However or by whatever means you have found yourself the target of a bully with a bright red and white target on your back, it’s disheartening. No one likes to feel cornered or bruised emotionally especially not so someone else can feel superior; it’s just not a fun situation to find yourself in. Yet as grown adults we still wake up feeling we are hiding, praying not to find ourselves shoved into those old Jr. High school lockers yet again.

Why do adults decide to bully other adults? Well it’s as simple as feeling inadequate to having a God complex. Either way, bullies must express their distain for anyone they fear can dethrone them. I like to think of it as a power struggle. On one side you have an arrogant king, who has everything worldly a man could desire sitting so far above his people he has lost touch with reality, just a difference of opinion and it’s off with your head. On the other end of the spectrum you have a lowly servant, with no real worldly treasure, yet he has everything, understanding the reality of his own situation choosing to embrace the hardships he bares with love, joy and goodness in his heart. Some how, these bullies we encounter have become callus, indifferent to anyone but themselves and seeing our lives filled with hopeful perspective, they become enraged.

Reality check: as adults, living with any form of cancer, you will at one time or another deal with what I call the dreaded Cancer Bullies. Now, you have your typical bullies, your creepy cyber bullies and then you have the cancer bully. These particular bullies well they are the type who gain a sense of accomplishment by attacking not just the weak, but the sick. Cancer bullies are not your standard, everyday bully. Nope, these kinds of bullies carry a special crude kind of meanness, a vial, cruelty only a few possess or would dare to display for the world to see. Cancer bullies strike not only at opportune moment when you are weak, but when they feel they can robe your spirit of whatever hope you have left!

I know this because I have dealt with my fair share of them since my breast cancer diagnosis. I’ve been told everything from how my illness is an unpleasant thing to have to hear about, to being reminded how they are praying for my bias, cold and unchristian, heart and soul. Yep it has even gone as far as to make it crystal clear I need to let God work through and change my horrible perspective on life. The truth is I am not perfect, I struggle and yes I fail miserably many times but why is it folks like this feel compelled to squash you like an ant? The real kicker is most of the time they are acting out everything they are accusing you of, giving themselves hall passes while they write you up for their own infringements. Certainly you would think these types would at least stay in the shadows, having enough sense not to be caught in the act right? Nope, sadly it’s the complete opposite! Cancer bullies believe so fervently in their mission that they in fact thrive on the pain and drama they themselves create while blaming you for the root of it. What is most shocking though is how they enjoy not only your pain but also the pain your family feels helplessly watching each one of their harsh blows to your head. If they could carry around a trophy, proclaiming to the world one minute they are a victim and next take credit for being the victimizer you can bet your bottom dollar they would without a second thought. Let’s face it they are villains circling the wagons from the outside while staging an attack from the inside. Many times, bullies come from your inner circle, triumphantly handing you one final blow as they gleefully dance around your mangled spirit left as a spectacle for everyone to see. Honestly it’s all very sad, and no one ever wins. In fact even the bullies don’t win because they have to keep up their game of thrones, reinvent scare tactics, reinforce malicious fear mongering, perfecting the finger wave all while planning new and greater ways of launching their diabolical plans of wrath upon you. In short and they must throw anyone but themselves under the out of control train they have left barreling down the tracks unmanned.

I sometime get the feeling bullies are trying to save their own souls while sucking the life out of mine to be completely honest. In many ways they are vampires, soulless, cold, very real and even deadlier than any storybook character you can bring to mind. Calling those of us out on the carpet who have been dealt the Big C is not enough, no these bullies have to troll, looking for small infractions, moments of weakness ,belittling those who are physically ill. And why, well your guess is honestly as good as mine but in my opinion I believe they are simply compelled to do so, they must save you from yourself. After all it’s for your own good, a spiritual right they have mastered, completely tearing apart anything good, brave, seemly and wholesome about you. And why, truthfully it’s all in the mind set. Many times it’s because these bullies feel they are entitled, as if they are honestly saving your soul by beating you into submission. For many cancer bullies it’s along the lines of feeding a bad habit, needing to fuel their addiction to power simply by shoving those meeker, inferior folks into lockers.

If you have ever faced a cancer bully, then I do not really have to tell you they are apathetic, blind to joy, deaf to hope, indifferent to love, and soulless fiends. Bullies absorb strife in much the same way we express joy. But my challenge to you my friends today is this: if you are staring down a bully, if this very situation has wrapped you up inside tight DO NOT stand for it any longer! Break free from cancer and her consorts, their chains of brutal, numb bitterness are no more than an indulgent exaggerated reaction to their own fear of mortality. Think of cancer bullies and their schemes in the terms of a fixation, a fixed idea, hang-up, mania, a neurosis, completely irrational obsession and a preoccupation with overhauling your life while trying to stabilize their own!

My advice is this: It’s way past time to stop drinking the Kool-Aid! Do not allow cancer bullies, or for that matter any kind of bully a place in your life. You can try to ignore these bullies’ unsubtle attempts at debugging your life, blaming you for their own secrets and troubles or you can take a stand, say enough is enough and begin healing your own wounded spirit. Maybe it’s time to divert the Bully Plan and begin building up, mending, recovering, repairing and reinstating the get-up-and-go, go, the lifeblood, liveliness, sparkle , vitality, energy, enthusiasm and excitement you once subscribed to before signing the Bully Pact. Forcing you into their misguided, surely not for your good kind of agreement through belligerent means is not healthy for either party. The audacity of a Cancer Bully is incredulous, the way they intimidate, break, damage, destroy, and cause hurt is intrusive, detrimental, damaging and toxic to your recovery. Go ahead hand back, return, send back to sender the insanity of a Cancer Bullies quarrelsome undesirable endowment of trouble with a capital T! It’s just not worth the drama of finding your hope hacked to pieces every morning!

Go ahead; buckle up, because cancer is a bumpy ride. No matter what spin you take on the beast’s ship of insanity, it’s going to go through rough, choppy waters, it’s just a matter of whether you are going to sail aboard a sinking ship or find a way to make it across, alive and well. The bottom line my friends, you don’t have to go through this passage alone, the heading does not have to wreck your life upon the rocks and by all means you no longer have to endure fear of those who can not let go of the steering wheel. Go on reinforce your walls, reintroduce yourself to the water, strengthen your heart for the journey and begin recalling the reasons you have hidden HOPE deep within your soul to begin with! Breaking free from Cancer Bullies is like taking a breath of fresh air. Think of it as capsizing at first, the fear is almost enough to take you down into the dark, deep depths of despair or like needing a breathing apparatus just to navigate through the shallow end of a pool. But what happens after you have come up for air, you see land, and you know you yourself have the strength inside to make it to shore. Instead of being over come, suffocating and thrashing around in the Bully’s end of the ocean embrace the hope you have inside your spirit, latch onto your inner faith , the strength of your joy and the resounding love of your heart and you will find peace again.

~Christina

Loving Me Through It All

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 15:00:00 +0000

Breast cancer is not one of those types of diagnosis’s you just breeze through. Honestly no matter how old you are breast cancer is a shock, but when you are in your early 30’s it is like facing one of those creepy, scary clowns from your childhood nightmares. Tears, fear and the overwhelming idea of leaving those you love behind way to early has a way of crushing your once fiery spirit, crashing into your heart, mind and spirit on a daily basis. Even with the best of a diagnosis, breast cancer can feel like a giant pink elephant sitting on your chest stealing each and every free breath you have left inside of your dreams.

Martina McBride’s song, I’m gonna love you through it all, is one of those songs written perfectly reaching the intended target, and breaking through our walls of strength. Those of us for whom this song touches, living through this beast crashing into our lives head on, causes an unexpected pause we nerve saw coming. The reality of this life we lead brings an understanding of each and every one of her powerful words as if they are our own. We need no interpretation, no further emotion to see ourselves in Martina’s musical storytelling of the Big C. I sat down for the first time this morning and listened to this song and found myself surrounded by a puddle of tears. This woman was singing about me, this was my life in song, words spelling out my journey, my fears, my hidden worries and the hope I cling to.

Life since the Big C came to town five years ago has not been easy, in fact it’s been pretty painful, downright devastating and at times completely overwhelming, almost as if I have become a sinking stone, drowning in the unknown. But I am one of the fortunate ones; I have not had to go this road, this journey into the darkness, alone. I have had my faith, my belief in a God who is compassionate, not cruel, loving, and not spiteful. I have felt His deep understanding ignite Hope inside the deepest darkest caverns of my soul and seen His mercy guide me through this labyrinth of fear and doubt without stealing my joy away from me. But you know what else I have had as well? I have had a husband who has stood by my side through it all, a man who has loved me regardless of my physical loss or of this mark seared across my chest. Johnny has never left my side. He has felt the fear, the worry, grappled with the unknown, wondering if the future we planned together would be ripped away from him yet he has loved me through it all, stood by me without a second thought.

I stand in awe of this man whose name I carry. I love him beyond any words I could express. He is kind, quiet and strong. He holds my heart close to his, never letting go, never thinking of dropping it, nor has he once considered breaking my sensitive, sometimes tormented heart. Johnny would never allow my fragile heart to shatter into a thousand pieces. He would never leave me to defend myself against this beast alone. I know without a doubt whatsoever Johnny would never leave me stranded or consider placing our love on the hard, cold floor,walking away and closing the door on tomorrow . I will tell you what Johnny is, he’s steady, taking my fear on as his own allowing me to stay focused on today so I can stand strong, not sink into a pit of helplessness tomorrow. I have never once been alone with Johnny by my side. When I have been weak, he has been strong. When I have been unable to take one more step, Johnny has taken my hand and pulled me closer to him, navigating the road before us. I am honest enough to admit I have had experienced days along the way when I felt I could not do this anymore, when I did not want to face one more surgery, one more treatment, once more day with the words breast cancer stamped across it. Yet my husband of 15 years has never left me to face this beast alone, he has continued to love me through it all, each and every day.

Johnny has been my biggest source of inspiration, my comfort and my hero. When I have been weary, he has been bold, carrying me through the wilderness, never leaving my side. Even when the night has fallen or when the beasts around us have stirred Johnny has been my refuge. When I have been scared to death he has shown no fear! The truth is I am not the same girl he married all those years ago, but I am the woman he has loved through it all. I may not be perfect, I may have a misshapen body after all these years, I may not even have 2 breasts for him to caress anymore and the truth is one day we may have to face a unpaved, bumpier road where I am no longer able to fight this beast. But do you know what I have, what I know, no matter what is before us, there’s no doubt this road will never be too long or too narrow for the two of us to travel together.

The bottom line is this my friends: tomorrow could confirm all my worst fears, breast cancer could veer her ugly head once again, throw us into the abyss of fear and worry, but there is one truth cemented into my heart, one truth beyond a shadow of a doubt: Johnny will be by my side, loving me just as I am, loving the parts of me that have been left, and letting go of the ones which have been torn away. No matter what the Big C takes from me, from us, Johnny has loved me, held me, taken me to our bed with desire in his eyes. How can I ask for more? I am the lucky one, I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever imagined and today, this very morning, I am loved by a man who is not perfect but who is perfectly mine.

~Christina

The Magic, Memories and my Family!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 22:50:00 +0000

Have you ever watched one of those Disney ads and had chills run down your back? Just the idea of sharing a day full of magic with your family, spinning inside the Mad Hatter’s tea cups, possibly coasting down Space Mountain into the unknown or even flying high above Fantasyland on Dumbo’s back is enough to bring tears of joy to my eyes. Who knows maybe for you it’s the Disney memories from when you where younger holding your dad’s hand while meeting Mickey, or the first time you walked through those magical gates with your own children’s hands in yours seeing Cinderella’s Castle before you or maybe you have dreams of finally taking those first steps inside the Magic Kingdom and walking down Maine Street, USA. Whatever thoughts or memories come to mind during the most magical place on earth’s 30 second ads, they certainly grab your attention don’t they? Suddenly you find yourself daydreaming about Princesses, Pirates, lands far away, and having your family right along side of you for each and every new and incredible adventure.

For me, the idea of a Disney Family Vacation doesn’t just bring the excitement of a magical adventure into larger than life lands filled with rides and journeys into our imaginations; the truth in a nut shell is the real excitement for us is the journey itself to WDW. A trip which brings my family, myself, my husband, my children and my parents together making memories we have been allowed to gather, granted wishes for one more year enabling us to share and imprint upon our hearts precious memories gifted to us and given in joy, inspired each year to create ….TOGETHER.

Last month, my parents took all of us to Walt Disney World in Florida for a 10 day trip to mark my Life Day; five years from the date we thought we were celebrating my goodbye trip. I have to tell you this was the most amazing trip we have had since we first starting making this Disney pilgrimage of sorts in 2006. The theme this year, The Magic, Memories and You, along with the brilliant Castle display, hit home for each and every one of us as we planned our family adventures through all four parks. For the six of us, myself, my husband Johnny, our boys, Joshua and Micah and my parents Bobby and Patty, coming back to Walt Disney World is an indescribable, renewal of hope and life, filled with passion, joy and adventure. A larger than life mile stone, filled with internal fireworks, an emotional slide show of memories, a time to celebrate the life we have been given together, moments of real magic, memoires and for us, HOPE!

Many of you know looking back at 2006, that summer marked both a dark and yet beautiful time for my family and I. Three months into chemo with another three before me my folks gave us a weeks notice and then swept each of us off and away on a grander than grand Disney Vacation. We had the time of our lives, my bald head and all. The memories will forever stay with me, with the boys, with Johnny and with my parents. Why? Those days spent traveling around Epcots’ World Showcase, catching a ride on Aladdin’s magic carpets, meeting Sorcerer Mickey, trekking through Africa will stay with us forever but the friendships we made that summer are what really make our memories, our desire to come back to this magical place so strong.

If you have never taken the time to get to know many of the wonderful cast members at Walt Disney World, then I have to be honest you are missing the greatest part of what Disney has to offer. These folks are the ones who bring the magic to life! In 2006 we met several wonderful cast members, Luis, who is still currently at the Garden Grill inside Epcot has come to be part of our family. From the first time he came to our table he took us under his wings, loving, caring and amazingly attentive. We left that day, feeling as if we were not just there on a vacation , but as if we were now apart of the Disney family. As we spent our last night in the Magic Kingdom that year I watched as folks hurried out the exits, racing for the buses with not a care in the world but to get back to a soft warm bed. I stood there taking it all in, the stores on Maine Street lit up, Mickey balloons in the hands of little ones, skipping happily along, and music piping into the streets as the Castle was sending everyone home with her goodnight kiss. I felt as if time had slowed down for me, giving me a last glimpse at what this cancer of mine was fighting to take a way from me….life.

I fought back the tears as best as I could seeing my boys hop, skip and smile out of the corner Emporium, they were so happy. For the first time in such a long, long time they were unaware breast cancer was anywhere within striking distance. I was suddenly thrown out of my time warp and the tears would not be held back! Out of nowhere the ‘what if’s ‘came running into play. I was so afraid in those moments, fearful I would not live to see my children grow into men, to bring my own grandchildren to Walt Disney World, to see the magic through their eyes for the first time or to experience the magic of this wonderful place again. I fell apart right there on Maine Street, USA, with Cinderella’s Castle behind me and my family beside me. That night a promise was made, if I was to be taken down by this beast we call breast cancer; my beautiful, selfless, loving parents would bring the boys back so they could once again let the fear and worry of the Big C go. But my mom being the wonderful woman she is took it a little farther as she pulled me into her arms, wiping my tears away…she promised no matter what, even if it was for just one day a year we would return together, all six of us, to mark each and very year I had taken back from the beast!

This June we stayed at the Pop Century, ate like kings and queens, played in the parks till the wee hours of the night, had dinner with our friend Luis and met his beautiful family. This was the highlight of our visit. Each time we come back to WDW the boys ask every night when we will see Luis. This year we had the honor of sitting down at the Garden Grill to share a meal with our dear friend Luis and the privilege of being waited on by his own son Filipe who went above and beyond to make our meal one we will always remember. This same man has opened his heat to our family, making us part of his very own. In 2007 when we returned, Luis recognized me, after a full of year of 1000’s of guests through his door he knew me. I did not look the same a year later, after all my bald head had hair and I had grown lashes and brows again so to say I looked like a different person is an understatement, yet Luis knew me right away. He stood there in tears, and then hugged me, telling me how he and his family had been praying for me all this time. I can not even begin to explain how big of an impact this memory has on me each time I think back on the Garden Grill and Luis. All this time later Luis and his family keep in touch with us, checking in on me and my health, and welcoming us into their lives as if we have been family all our lives. There is a Hawaiian saying, one which Disney themselves made a household phrase in their movie Lilo and Stitch, “Ohana, means family, family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. “ Luis has put the very meaning of the word Ohana into action everyday in both his commitment and love of his job and his guests. The truth is without this experience, without Luis and the depth of his commitment to his guests, to those passing through his door every night at the Garden Grill we may not have been as quick to return to Walt Disney World as we are today Let’s face it we could have chosen another destination, a less expensive place to vacation, but because of this Luis’ care and concern, this cast member’s willingness to open his heart, freely offering his kindness to our family as if we were his own , Disney World is our number one destination.

And so as I close my thoughts I my one wish is for you all to know how grateful I am to be here today, able to share my stories, and my love of Disney. Some folks are not as quick to be happy for your happiness, and some may find reasons to personally begrudge you or your family special memories as I have shared here with you but I hope deep down someday they will come to understand why we as a family have chosen Walt Disney World each and every year since 2006. For my family and I it’s about the simple pleasure of ensuring a memory that will not fade away, laying down another mile stone, and a marker of Hope, to create more memories together and to come home to our Disney family. We make this pilgrimage as I like to call it not only to have fun but to let our worries go for a time, to inspire our imaginations and to imprint our family legacy of Hope upon both our hearts and souls, to refresh our spirits and to appreciate these moments we share together right here, right now! At the same time we are very aware these moments we share today, partake in together in the present are more than just times in our lives, they are moments, memories we will remember when all our material things have gone by the way side or when we have watched a loved one pass from this world to the next. These memories we have created will continue on, we will them pass on, knowing they are apart of us, who we are, who we were at one time and this hope continuing to bur inside of our hearts will stay strong for as long as we have the Magic, the Memories and each other!

~ Christina

Dealing with Perfect People and the God Complex

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Tue, 31 May 2011 12:53:00 +0000

Have you ever thought about having super powers? Maybe supersonic speed, invisibility, x-ray vision, oh the possibilities are endless aren’t they? Now what would you do with your life if suddenly God handed you these extraordinary powers? Have you ever thought about how amazing it would be to be able to heal someone with just a single touch or to be able to love them so unconditionally you had the power to banish fear and insecurity from a loved one’s life? Sadly, there are a few out there who would reject these abilities, reaching instead for power, ungodly and abusive in nature, seeking to destroy what they themselves cannot obtain. What are these powers they seek to destroy? Well my friend, these powers are sometimes looked upon as ordinary, but they are so much more than that. True LOVE and COMPASSION are two of the greatest super powers we as human beings can ever obtain. For this reason alone, the Bible says, “and the greatest of these is love.”

My next question probably hits a little closer to home than dreaming about out of this world super powers. Have you ever been around someone who has an authority complex? Maybe they unnecessarily feel they have God -like powers, being sinless, acting on your behalf to save you from yourself? You know exactly the kind of folks I am talking about don’t you? Sure they seem harmless at first but over time and given just enough room they will pop your bubble as quickly as you can say huba buba!

You may first notice this behavior when they mistreat someone you know recovering from an illness or injury, maybe they over step themselves using a small amount of knowledge as a weapon against the injured. Possibly you notice how these folks make demands of others yet seem to require little of themselves, neglecting the real needs of those who need them the most.

Honestly it must be tiring looking over folks shoulders, making lists, checking them twice, putting on robes of spotlessness just back from being bleached, climbing up into a broken judges seat and looking down on everyone else from the chambers of hypocrisy. All I have to say is I want whatever energy drink they are drinking! Seriously where can I get my hands on one? Alright on a really serious note I just can’t imagine being so bold as to believe I could sit on God’s jury! I have to give it to the folks who have the audacity to ask God if He will give them power of folks in a way which derails His love and grace though, it takes guts! Seriously, what kind of super power is that? Doesn’t the Bible say they shall know you are Christians by your love? Is love not the first fruit of the spirit? And if they shall know you by your love, would not compassion be the foundation of a spirit led life?

I know what I am about to say makes many uneasy, opens a can of worms we would love to see disappear but who am I to stand by and watch the innocent be led into a den of lions, led to the slaughter just for their entertainment? How can I look myself in the mirror if I knowing stand by watching all the gory details, the lies of the slanderous and malicious to emerge without challenge?

I am coming today from a perspective not unlike many of you, from my own experiences with those who have falsely sought to gain access into my life through judgment, acting the parts of judge, jury and executioner. These types of people may even be loved ones who under dire circumstances keep lists of your transgressions, frailties, and your weakness only to manipulate and bend them into their own tablets of thou shall not’s! Sadly, this self righteous game of thrones is a stark reality for most of us at some point or another in our lives, especially if you have dealt with any kind of long term illness. The truth is, I have kept this a hidden place, a door I rarely share with or open to anyone, that is until today. Being under the thumb of a self righteous, all knowing, all seeing, emotional and spiritual abuser who lives each day with the hopes of bringing to light any dirty little secret they feel you may have can be downright exhausting. I am out of breath just trying to spite it all out! Living in the light but feeling the need to cower in the shadows because some half crazed, dangerous kryptonite carrying, gold plated caped, God complexed abusive personality is insane! I still have yet to understand how these super power types believe they are invincible, sitting in pious judgment, looking for each and every rock they can possibly find and turn over all while praying to bring shame down on your head or any other poor soul they happened upon.

You yourself may be in this very same situation at this very moment so let me fill you in on a little secret right about now: It’s NOT you! You are not the problem; you are not undeserving of love or of God’s grace. God tells us to come just as we are, not washed up, hands neatly folded, hair brushed, laces tied and cheeks rosy with a smile on our face clones! No, the down and dirty secret these spiritual sounding trapped inside legalism, guilt performance and begrudging folks don’t want you to know is this: God loves us in our torn, worn out jeans, dirty faces, unwashed hair, smelly shoes and all! The real problem I have found when facing these types of people is that they are so insecure in themselves they have to tear you apart limb by limb in order to build themselves up! Sadly, these few need to imply you are lost, fallen so far from grace, that only” they” can intercede upon your behalf!

Listen up here friends, if you never take my advice ever again listen to me on this one: Do not put one tiny toe inside their stinking, pungent, sinking dingy! I repeat, back away from the dock, grab your running shoes and run as fast as you possibly can in the other direction! I am warning you if you buy this rotten load of a fish tale hook, line and sinker than these “ I have arrived” before you folks will have you on the brink of suicide, feeling incapable, worthless and unworthy of God’s love. I know because I have been there, questioning my own sanity, my own relationship with God and my own strength all while battling the Big C. I have been to the brink of exhaustion, had guilt heaped upon my head, scolded for not going above and beyond to the point of death all while they themselves have scoffed the idea God would ask them to do the same! I bet you have been asked to go beyond what is humanly possible, to believe, just like I have, God would ask us to give our lives away to feed these ludicrous egos. From a personal perspective injuries inflicted by those we know and love are crushing especially when they administer these wounds in the Name of God. Do not believe for one second this is the will of God! The truth is these kinds of demands are outright Godless requests, made in His name for the benefit of men and their own selfish nature!

Of course if you listen to the words of these few who come in sheep’s clothing, they can most certainly confuse you. If you slow down, using the super power of discernment you can actually watch them conspiring to siege your free will, convincing you they can save you and you’re spiritually lacking life all while handing over the keys to a great big bridge they have for sale too! Unfortunately if you do not agree with their dominate, I am right, sign the deal and just surrender to my total authority point of view you lose their approval and are shunned. By all means they will guilt you into surrendering your free will. By the time these super powered manipulation inspired authority figures use spiritual means to gratify their desires of importance, power, or intimacy it can be just as tormenting as having your nails peeled off during an interrogation! I can certainly tell you I would much rather live in the muddy, flea infested trenches, dealing with cancer and her consorts, battling hand to hand in combat than live my life under the microscope of anyone who feels they know my heart better than the God I serve does!

Oppression and domination are two of the key components a spiritual and emotional abuser will flaunt in your face on a daily basis, especially if they see you as weak. The real honest to God truth my friends is your weakness is actually strength, strength which has been forged, made strong by the refiner’s fire! Do not be deceived by those who come to destroy you, hold your nose to the ground just because they feel they have the power to do so! I encourage you my friends to hold your ground, to cling to what is just, to what you know is right, and not to be swayed by those who cannot produce righteous fruit, full of unconditional love and true compassion. Remember God does not require anything from us to come before Him, so if someone is preaching that you must obey their laws first, then you are in the presence of a false teacher!

I know this post today is one of the strongest I have ever written, but there comes a time in one’s life when you must stand for what is not only just, but what is right! I myself serve a loving God; yes He is just, allowing me to fall and pull myself back up again but like a kind, loving Father He does not take delight in my failures, taunting me, abusing my spirit for His own gain. I have spent too much time around those who speak in God’s name yet know nothing of His true love, of His plans for our lives. Real Christianity in its truest form does not paint a picture of God sitting in a judge’s chamber handing out condemnation with each strike of His gavel!

I challenge each and every one of you my friends and family not to become victims of these wolves in sheep’s clothing. Flee from those who come to steal your joy, who present you with legalistic misinterpretations of God’s word! Truly guilt and spiritual enslavement is the only outcome of such appalling positions of power. Look closely at the fruit in their lives, what do you see? Is there strife, anguish, hatred, anger, lack of self control, lack of compassion and complete chaos? If these traits are the only fruits hanging upon a leader’s tree, then it is time to walk away, to stop inhaling the pungent smell of rotten fruit! If you do not see Love, Joy, Peace, Longsuffering, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness and Self-control than you need to pack your bags and run for the hills!

My words to you today are to break free from those chains, the lock and key binding you to this zealot, religious, crippling kryptonite. Remember there are always villains in this world wearing super powered capes crusading as super heroes but real love comes from a deeper source, a spring of grace, living inside of each of us, giving to us the power to heal and to bring hope into the lives of those we love.

As I close this chapter of my life today, I choose to live free from oppression. I choose love, grace and infinite forgiveness. I am absolutely comfortable with my less than perfect, dented fender, rusted out door, multi- colored Hippie van. When push comes to shove I am perfectly happy with staying as far away from the perfect people parking zone as possible. I know I am not perfect by any means! I mess up constantly, I am human after all, not blameless or sinless but imperfectly saved! I know my God is real; He lives within my heart, guiding me through the darkness, out of the shadows, not chasing me into the dungeons of despair. Besides, Jeremiah 29:11 says, For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. So the real honest to God truth, is this: when all is said and done at the end of the day I know without a doubt my Lord is not compiling a list of my failures, instead He is working on a Christina –can- do- list and you know what, I am alright with that!

~Christina

Falling Into the Great Big Pink Abyss

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 26 May 2011 16:02:00 +0000

If you are a breast cancer survivor or have been actively involved in the life of one then you understand the feeling of falling into the pink abyss. I sometimes feel as if I am living out my life inside a strange other worldly type of experiment. I seriously question my sanity some days noting my unusual view, humor and tango with the keeper of this abyss. I for one have felt trapped inside a strange lab, living inside a test tube at times but lucky me on special days I’m let out, set loose, in a big giant bubble to live among the normal folk. Being tagged or labeled and yes at times even feeling permanently tattooed with a BIG PINK RIBBON across my forehead if not the way I saw my life turning out. Honestly speaking, if you feel the need to run from the giant pink abyss trying to swallow you whole, possibly referring to this crazy breast cancer woman as the pink blob, then imagine how overwhelming, if not a tad strange it must feel for those us living , taking up residence inside the abyss.

Pink was never my color, I was more of a bluesy kind of gal actually. Beautiful blue skies, blue bonnets and bluebirds filled my dreams, not Pink roses and bows. That is of course until BREAST CANCER decided to run her claws across the front of my chest, digging deeply into my internal highway, setting me on a crazy detour through something called chemo and ripping away my breast literally from my body. Now I can’t say she took everything away from me without giving something back in return. The truth is this beast was kind enough to leave behind a nice big scar and a map leading me and anyone else who dared follow me into the Pink Abyss.

So the question now is what do we do now that we are here? Well, we can sit and pout, we can get mad, hide in the corner and give up, hand over the keys to the next victim of her detour or we can get busy, working together inside our special bubble!

I for one did not see my life turning out this way. I was not one to go head on with a beast who has never been taken down, not once! I can tell you I would have rather worked in technical support, leaving the battle to those more seasoned, stronger, able to not only carry a sword into battle but to be able to run, charging toward the beast as well. I was the weak one, the less than perfect, totally laughable, wall flower. I defiantly did not think I would ever lead the charge against anything, much less breast cancer. But you know what; I am living inside this crazy experiment, in and out of test tubes, pink slime, bubbles and all without regret.

I am painfully aware living inside this great big pink abyss can be tiresome, and if you are just along for the ride, in the passenger’s seat so to speak, then you have a helpless pit growing in your stomach as well. Life with breast cancer is not an easy road to hike. I can tell you from experience, it gets harder! Friends, family may even abandon you, leaving you standing in the middle of the journey alone. Fear, is like weed and it can choke the road, keep you from finding the light, leaving you looking at what seems to be an impassable fork in the road.

So where is all this hope I am always going on about? Well it is inside you, growing into this great big pink abyss, opening up doors, carving out new pathways, throwing open windows and providing you with the strength to light the way for those following you into this strange, other worldly experiment you have fallen into. Grab hold of it, put hope to work for you, allowing her to consume your fear, surge through your soul and pulse through your heart. I don’t know about you, but life inside the pink abyss isn’t as bad as I once thought it was. It’s not my first destination choice, but it’s where I landed once I stopped fighting the turbulence. I have made a home for myself here, opened my door to those who need support and comfort, dealing with breast cancer’s frequent raids, and overcoming her need to rip away any other additional pieces of me.

Life is underscored by struggle, but the truth is we are all stronger than we think. I can tell you straight up breast cancer was not on my list of things I wanted to experience in life, definitely not on my bucket list. I certainly didn’t want imagine myself as a cancer survivor as a child, but it’s what I am today, where life took me and this is my point, we don’t know what life has up her sleeve for us. We can make the grandest of plans, design the blueprints and still end up in an abyss of overwhelming defeat. So I encourage you today, each of you to put your perfectly laid plans aside and embrace the life before you, find a way to plant your garden of hope right where you have landed, not where you hoped to be when you grew up. Each journey into the Great Pink Abyss is remarkable and yours is no different, just take a deep breath, grab my hand, close your eyes and let’s go…..

~ Christina

Fresh Off the Chemo Couch

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Mon, 09 May 2011 15:28:00 +0000

Five years ago, I sat in my living room, just fresh off the chemo couch. I was facing another five months of being squashed under the weight of chemo’s poisonous twin and triplet monsters as I wearily celebrated Mother’s Day with my family. My scalp was shiny, my tummy was turning and my boob was gone. I felt like a freak of nature to be really honest with you. The life I had planned on, dreamed about was not the one staring back at me. I wanted to run, to hide to break every mirror in the house, to go back to my life as a two boobed, raven haired, slightly curvy, wanna be fem fetal. The truth was ugly, or at least I thought it was, as I sat there with lights flashing and giant signs pointing to the hole in the left side of my chest wall, boobless where once a multi boobed chest used to poke out from under my T-shirts. Now I was sitting, on the couch, with a self imposed gag over my mouth, a bandanna on my bald head and a swollen face, chemo induced, steroid filled body! Who knew when I celebrated my first Mother’s Day in 1997, holding a small, precious bundle in my arms I would have been sitting there nine years later surrounded by my two children watching a bad B movie version of my life, with breast cancer as the guest star? I sure didn’t!

I will be honest with you; I really, really wanted to fall back, to run away from the cancer monster and her consorts. I can tell you I tried a time or two, but in the end I did not cower in a corner, nor did I retreat to my bedroom, off and away from the hustle and bustle of my everyday ordinary life. Instead I held to my core belief: hope is an action word. For one, ordinary is not in my vocabulary, two, life with children, even if you have the C word stamped across your forehead , it’s just not an excuse to stop being a mother. Now before you get upset with me, understand, having cancer is a concrete reason to feel over whelmed, to be tired, over come, even defeated, but the truth is , in my life anyway, it cannot be the excuse you use to give up! Believe me I have lived through many storms in my life, cancer being just one of them. So I can truly tell you when giving up was on the table, when anger and spite felt like the best course to devour or when feeling sorry for myself absolutely held the top number one spot on my list of things to do for the day, I took a deep breath and out hope into action.

Oh man have I felt the need to give in, give up and let it all go and Mother’s Day five years ago was no different. What shook me out of my self induced pity party, and believe me it was a party complete with party horns, streamer, banners and cake, was the fact my children did not deserve a my pity to rule the day. What they needed, was hope, to believe mom was going to pull through, to see mom embracing life, holding on, hanging on to this beautiful, yes crazy life God had given me. On Mother's Day 2006, I was just beginning to make strides in this journey through the dark back roads of cancer. My body was tired; it was dying to be honest, poison pumping through my veins, killing off those crazy, tentacles breast cancer was stretching out into my life. Giving in to the pain was definitely a possibility. Believe me the pain was incredible, at times leaving me crawling up the stairs, pulling myself up, out of breath, while the pain seared through my body, through my chest, phantom pains in place of where a breast used to sit. Was I wonder woman? Absolutely not, I was as plain Jain as they come but what I did have was determination; resolve to give my children a legacy of hope and courage in the face of death. I remember pulling my body out of bed and embracing each new morning, looking out at the day and wondering if it would be my last. I found myself determined to soak it all up, impress those tender moments deep into my heart like a pressed rose in between the pages of a favorite book. I forced myself to smile as tears fell from my eyes, willing myself not to take the day for granted in any way, shape or form. I was not in the clear, not yet anyway and life was not anything close to my aspirations as breast cancer invaded our lives. I was not happy about this plan, but looking back, I see God’s hands, I see His work and His might in my life. I do not see my own strength, but I see His, I hit rewind and I know it was, and is still, the grace of God in my life holding all the broken pieces together.

I found hope at a time in my life when I was still looking for higher ground, to escape the flood waters rising from this fight against breast cancer. I was definitely uncertain of what lay ahead of us. I had no clue what was in store for my husband and my children. I did not know if Joshua and Micah would be motherless, if Johnny would be a widower, raising our boys without me. Who knew what might befall our lives as cancer tried to root herself deeper and deeper into our world. I surely passed through the valleys of pain and fear, sometimes on a loop, passing by the same “Detour this way” sign 100 times a day. But I’ll tell you what kept me sane, what held me together was this: Holding on with all my might, even if it was by a thin string, to my faith, to hope, both kept me from falling to my doom below. Somewhere along this journey I gained the strength and found the courage to keep living, breathing and even loving those who lashed out at me in spite of the obstacles.

As a mother, watching my boys play on Mother’s Day, I felt weak, as if I had let my children down but it was their love, and tears which inspired me, spurring me on, showering me with determination to see the battle through, no matter the ending. I would say even today, five years later my life is full of uncertainty. Many times I still feel as if I am holding my now teen age boys hands, skipping painfully and singing over the river and through the woods, pushing our way through murky waters and cloudy days. But, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt the gifts I have given by being a mother are strength, hope and endurance. I live my life, one day at a time, as richly and fully as possible. I celebrate now, realizing I have indeed been given the gift of mortality, viewing life for what it truly is, fleeting and precious. I live each day as if it were my last. This year, five years later, as Mother's Day has come and gone, I choose to continue, battling by my family’s side, cherishing their unique, powerful, extra ordinary place in my life. Today I celebrate my children’s lives and their precious unconditional love in my own life. Yes, being a mom is bittersweet; but the results are tried and true, giving each of us Moms the extra push to continue keeping our feet on the less beaten path, cancer or not.

So today, the day after Mother's Day I celebrate the life, the hope and the passion I have been given. I celebrate the gift of motherhood. I celebrate my boys, goofy, silly and wonderfully made, both, in their own way inspiring my courage in a world where breast cancer does exist. After all, fresh off the chemo couch or not, those of us battling cancer may own her scares, but she does not own us!

~Christina

Escaping Worry-Ville

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 05 May 2011 23:38:00 +0000

Have you ever noticed we tend to live life just inside the city limits of worry? We inevitably bypass the country road detour of serene, calm and still choosing instead to floor the apprehension peddle before idling at the intersection of pain and panic heading on to the highway of uneasy. We have even been known to turn down the side streets of distraught and concern, drive over the Bridge of Fright, while traveling to the worrisome, nervous city hall of Worry-Ville just to be sure our license for Alarm, Fear, Fright, Dread, Dismay, Hysteria and Anxiety have not expired!

The peaceful outskirts of town always seem within reach but never quite within walking distance. We sit, lie on the grass, look through magazines dreaming of what life could be away from the anxious, vexed life we feel we have. How fabulous it would be if we could live inside our day dreams, what if we could move to the auspicious, cheery suburbs, putting in a pool of serenity, a garden of hope. ( Of course as long as it’s just far enough away from worry and her consorts but still close enough to get into our idling vehicle fueled by fear and head back into Worry-Ville right?) Are you feeling flabbergasted yet? What about out of breath, is your head spinning from my worrisome descriptions? Are you contemplating whether to make a dash for the door right now? Maybe you are feeling the pressure building up, ready to pop like pop corn inside your head? Possibly thinking on a serious note about the whole do not walk, but run option? Perhaps nervous tension and constant worry feel as if they own stock in your life?

Come on friends, if we are not fretting over money, we are uptight about our neighbors, maybe it’s the way their yard looks, or possibly you are concerned about your health, the new cough taking up residence in your lungs, refusing to pack her bags and scat! Whatever the reason for living inside or just outside of this daunting place we have put roots down, made it our home, a way of life and altering our routine is not on the schedule! OK, I don’t know about you, but I’m done with Worry-Ville! I’m tired of being sick and tired, of panicking over the finances, if my style are up to date ( believe it never is!), if I’m keeping up with the Jones’ or simply if I am in good graces with the Worry-Ville city council because I’m attending Worry-free Anonymous meetings inside Worry-Ville city limits! Life is too short to let worry, fret and fear get the best of us. Now the truth is sometimes, there doesn’t seem to be any other options available, our bags may be packed, but they aren’t moving. The reality is if we can step back, hand the keys over to our worry infested homes and walk towards the outskirts of town without our self packed baggage life wouldn’t seem so stressful. We may even have the chance to check out some new scenery, catch a glimpse of hope in bloom and find a new residence other than Worry-Ville.

The thing about living our lives wound up so tightly, wrapped up in worry, is we lose sight of the blessings life has to offer us on a daily basis; we can’t see the beauty in the journey. Our day to day mileage begins to add up, and the only thing we seem to see from the driver’s seat is an endless highway of clutter on the road to nowhere. Unfortunately we get all caught up in our computers, schedules, sports, jobs and school work that we forget to breathe, to relax and enjoy the ones we love. Life is not meant to be packed full, over scheduled to the point we don’t know if we are coming or going.

If breast cancer taught me anything it is to stop living life in a stress zone! Believe me this particular lesson came front and center, with a big wallop on the back of the head, like it or not. A major road block was put up against my protests, I think she even bulldozed my home at some point and sent me on my way into the suburbs away from this crazy place of worry we all reside in from time to time. I can guarantee you she may not have been on my personal docket but she sure pushed her way to the front didn’t she? Now the truth is I do hop into my fear fueled Worry-Ville minivan occasionally but on a daily basis I try to walk in the worry free zone, sharing my love of life and my no worries attitude with anyone exiting the Worry-Ville limits. Personally I say who cares about yard of the month or running out to get your hands on the newest I-something-or-other. Life is too short, grab it by the horns and climb on its back, take a ride across the great plains of adventure and declare the boundaries of your new life a worry free zone!

~Christina

The Intersection of Complicated and Interesting

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Mon, 02 May 2011 13:46:00 +0000

Ever notice, especially in today’s age with social media such as Facebook, email, texting, yada yada yada, how you can feel isolated even when you are surrounded by hundreds of friends? We have all felt the abrupt silence echoing from our computer screen once someone has turned on their "off” button to us haven’t we? It’s much like real life as I like to call it when you notice both your phone and door bell has stopped ringing. Maybe you have turned on your computer one morning to a “holy cow” kind of take you by surprise moment, an aversion to your point of view or excitement over key details in your life has taken root and all of a sudden you have been brought you to a halt, scratching your head in dismay. I don’t know about you but several times throughout my journey I have felt I could literally look behind me emotionally and actually see the skid marks from where the breaks were applied to my enthusiasm.

Personally I love the whole super market scene when you are directly in front of someone but somehow they missed the fact it’s your feet they have tripped over? The same goes for facebook and all the other quicker than quick, lightening fast outlets which let you respond to all your family and friends in one compact spot. We have all adapted, learned to read through the lines, or lack of and in just one texted word, we know if someone is unhappy, cross with us or missing in action. So when there is a sudden silence or an abrupt decision to stop responding over and over again, if you or someone else is quick to chat with everyone else but one person under “the list” of comments, it’s pretty clear you or they are avoiding them right?

Well not always, because we cannot know what is truly going on in someone’s life until we stop and make ourselves a part of each other’s world. To really answer the question you have to be willing to admit everything is not always as it seems. How can you tell, well sometimes the truth is you can’t. It’s so easy with all the technical assistance we have at our finger tips to masquerade, yet avoid buying one on one real personal stock in one another. Honestly we rarely do more than dance around one other’s lives. I agree there is a mental button we do turn off from time to time, but must we do so all the time? We have all been there, and asked ourselves how “those” we are feeling separated from do not understand how, as in real life, we can tell, can read through the lines coming to the slightly lope sided conclusion we have been cut out of any exclusive one on one contact. The only problem is we do not always put ourselves in the very same shoes, how we do the same without ever meaning to hurt anyone.

Now, I can tell you from firsthand experience it’s not easy being ‘The One’, ignored, but sometimes it’s not for the reasons you might think. Maybe it’s because your illness scares some, maybe it’s due to their own fear of losing you, or because they are overwhelmed by the whirlwind surrounding your life and they just don’t have the words to really express how they feel yet. Is it ever as easy 1-2-3, no, but it does get easier to recognize if someone’s silence is personal or not and to get past the whole, you have abandoned me thing to be honest. I for one have had to learn not to take it so personally. Does that make it any easier to swallow, no not really? It still hurts, get’s chocked up in my throat, still causes me to stop and do some soul searching, asking myself what did I do, or maybe it was what I didn’t do or simply it has nothing to do with me at all. Honestly, maybe it’s more about being the escape goat and realizing you just have to keep your chin up. Or more honestly maybe it has to do with the struggles your own friends or family may be going through at the moment.

I have had several conversations around this issue during the last week with friends and family. How to deal with or how not to over react when you feel pushed away. Whatever the reason, feelings get hurt, but it isn’t always a personal, yank your pig tails kind of brawl. In fact it may not even be anything as close to an ordeal as all that if you want to be completely honest. It’s very possible you’ve found yourself caught in an emotional bear trap, and you just have to wait for the cavalry to come spring you lose! The thing is this: it’s not always easy to know what to say and then you can bet your bottom dollar it may not be enough or it may be too much or simply not what they need to hear right there and then. I for one like many of you have been the reason for everyone’s dismay a time or two in my life. Maybe it’s because I did not do something, give up something someone else thought I should have. Maybe I am unable to live up to the standard anymore, maybe I am living too far above the standard or maybe it’s more about how those few see life in the moment. Honestly it’s all speculation until you have a real, hallelujah, come to Jesus meeting with those you love. Sometimes things go back to normal, sometimes they just take time and sometimes they never seem to see you clearly again. However it goes, I am here to tell you not to take it personally.

OK this isn’t the easiest advice to take standing up or sitting down I know. On a good day I have it in my back pocket, on a bad day, it’s gone with the wind. Either way, I am learning to come to terms with living life imperfectly. Life is complicated to say the very least. Nothing about it is ever easy, and if it is, RUN! I mean it ,run as fast as you can, as far away as you can and keep going till you reach the intersection of complicated and interesting. Why? Well because life’s not meant to be a walk in the park, though the truth is we are meant to stop and enjoy, smelling the roses from time to time. But when it comes to adversity, struggle or illness life will throw you some pretty crazy pitches. You can chose to either grab your mitt and catch the ball life throws your way or you can just stand there and get hit in the face. The choice is yours; catch the ball or get hit in the face… seems pretty simple enough huh? Well the thing about it is you can grab your mitt and still get hit in the face anytime if you miss, right? Again life is all about perception and sometimes it’s not as clear cut as it may appear to you.

So the next time you feel put out, have your feeling bent a little bit out of shape, I challenge you to step back for a second and grab hold of your mitt. It may turn out the way you hoped, or completely the opposite of how you planned it would but in the end you didn’t just give up or give in. You may still end up with a nice big shiner on your face but you will know you tried right? So you might as well just smile and get back out there. Take it from me, life can get complicated, but a quote I try to live by sums it up best, “Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase. - Martin Luther King, Jr.

~Christina

Cancer Fashionista

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 22:37:00 +0000

I have been in remission from breast cancer for over four years now. I honestly don’t think about " the how long" much. I don’t have huge celebrations; in fact birthdays even kinda slip past me too. I have never been a looking backwards kind of girl, instead I am always moving forward, a pressing on kind of girly girl is more like it. I guess you could say this kind of crazy thinking insured my daily mental survival during my initial diagnosis of breast cancer, treatment and follow up care.

I have only one picture of my bald head and one of me ringing out of chemo. Most of the pictures during my battle with breast cancer show everything in between really. I never actually slowed down; in fact I think maybe I pushed the gas pedal a little too hard if we are going to keep it real! Honestly I wish I had more photos from those days so I could share them with you, to remember. Maybe if I had stopped to celebrate each and every victory I would have more pictures to share, but I was so busy living, making memories I didn’t stop to think I was missing anything. Instead I was worried I wasn’t moving fast enough! I sometimes see the pictures of my radically, awesome fellow sister survivors during their journeys, you know the ones I am talking about...pictures of “the hair cut”, chemo treatment or following surgery… and I think I might have gotten a little lost in the process, maybe a bit forgotten while I was inadvertently trying to be Mighty Woman for my family and friends. On the other side of this coin, maybe because I was so busy, giving myself no time to slow down I was able to avoid the big time fear waiting on the outskirts of our camp trying to consume me.

Now this does not mean I did not have moments of pure panic, because believe me they were there, just usually behind the scenes, just under the surface. My husband can attest to my meltdowns, my feelings of inadequacy and those infamous why me moments. I have been asked so many times how I have managed to keep my chin above water; well the truth is everything else from the nose down was completely soaked! I was just blessed to have found a snorkel just in case and a rock to stand on! The thing is each person handles stress, fear and staring death in the face differently. What works for one person, may not work for another but there is a common thread, we all share, a friend who connects each one of us to the other and her name is Hope.

I can tell you right now, and many of you may already know this about me… I was not a wig girl. I was one of those bald heads, bandanna tied around my bare naked skull kind of gals. I was just not an eeny meeny mo type but the truth is I started my married life that way. I loved to dress up, put the makeup on, and throw a bow in my hair, the whole nine yards and then some. But becoming a mom changed all that for me. I became more comfortable in jeans, a t-shirt and a pony tail, then after having my breast whacked off and my hair fall out I just got over the whole glamor thing all together honestly. Not that I don’t like the idea of being a fashionista, because I do but it just didn’t fit my lifestyle. I was in no way shape or form going to become a cancer fashinoista regardless of what they were selling at the cancer boutiques, not in my chemo lifetime that is!

Being able to be a red head today after being a brunette yesterday knowing I could be a blond tomorrow was just too much for my mind to juggle. I was and always will be an oddly designed, yet perfectly happy misfit. I felt cancer was well cancer, a parasite killing me off inside, so why hide it? I did buy a few wigs, and I tried them on, but man they were itchy and sweaty and well uncomfortable. I guess in my mind I figured cancer was already enough of a pain, so why make it any easier on her?

The thing about going this route was it made me a bigger target, not in a hunt you down, king of the hill and declare victory, take the trophy home kind of way. No it was more subtle than that. What it did was bring attention to the fact cancer is not some hush, hush, quietly shove it away, wrap it up in a box and forget “it” exists kind of problem. No, cancer is a bigger than life, get in your face, tear down her walls, shout it to the world, hear me roar, I am still rocking, do not tread on me kind of a package! Without meaning to I forced people to deal with Cancer, Breast Cancer no less and it made some very uncomfortable to say the least.

In the end I think knowing I was NOT invincible, that I could trip and fall; skid past the finish line bruised and battered actually spurred me on. Crazy right, I know but understanding I could feel life, reach out and touch it, embrace all it offered, both the good and bad, the beautiful and the ugly made living with cancer manageable for me. I knew no matter what happened tomorrow, I had lived today. Tomorrow, even yesterday could not compare to the life I was living in that one moment because it was bigger than any other celebration I could have made room for in my cancer filled, chemo infused, and bald inspired way of life.

So when you are faced with a reality check such as I was in 2006, hearing the words breast cancer, whether you are a cancer fashionista or an odd ball like me, take a moment to stop and grab hold of today, not tomorrow, not yesterday but this very living, breathing moment. Realize the chaos surrounding you is still going to be there tomorrow, it’s all in how you decided to look at it.

I know you hear the flood waters coming, feel the pressure building, see the water rising but my question is what are you going to do? I’ll tell you what you are going to do friend, you are going to grab your snorkel and make sure you have a rock beneath your feet , swept away bandanna or supper glues wig on your head or not! The water may reach your chin or it may even wash over the top of your head but keep steady my friend the water will recede and when it does if you have managed to keep your snorkel in place, you will find hope sitting on the shore waiting for you to join her! I know I did….

~Christina

Celebrating Deep Hunk-a, Hunk-a Burning Love

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 12:41:00 +0000

Have you ever watched the old movie, ‘I Married an Ax Murder’? No I am not making a parallel to my marriage and a crazy, ax carrying lunatic running around chopping at the air! But the fact Johnny and I do mentally walk around with axes in our hands, slashing at such a vial villain as the pink beast on a daily basis does cross my mind! This movie dances into my thoughts sheerly based on the title, and the memories it brings back to me some 15 years after Johnny and I tied the knot.

On April 27, 1996 I married my soul mate, Johnny, the love of my life just six months into our whirlwind romance on a late beautiful breezy spring afternoon. Our wedding, an outdoor ceremony was held under the canopy of vast large oak trees, with the scent of roses and lavender tickling our noses. Of course, as in any good love story there were ups and downs, upsets, laughter, and a few who said it would never last. I remember being asked the question, “Christina come on, you haven’t even known him very long how do you know he’s not an ax murder? “ I can bet you he heard much of the same too. I can even imagine many of our friends becoming temporary bookies, taking bets coordinating the odds for and against us. Fortunately for Johnny and I, no one actually collected on any of those “I give ‘em one year tops” bets. After 15 years, two wonderful children, countless medical bills, our on again, off again sanity, the loss of a job and my own battle with breast cancer I would say we have defied those odds!

Now I understand why some may have scoffed, simply not believing in love at first sight or placing bets on the ax under the pillow scenario. Personally I really don’t buy the whole, swept off your feet in one glance, slip a glass slipper on my foot daydream one bit either. If I am going to be completely honest with you I would say “those types” are few and far in-between. Seriously how can two complete strangers know the moment they meet, the very second they lock eyes on one another they’re in love…really? I am almost positive, mama warned me about days like these, seriously isn’t that the stuff of fairytales and what not? You know the land of far, far away, as in never finding it? I don’t know about you but I may have grown up on tales of castles, finery, romance, love at first sight and happily-ever-after but I certainly didn’t whole heartily grow up to believe with any certainty I would or could ever find a real life ‘off into the sun set’ kind of love.

Now with all that said, I want you to understand I do believe two souls can and many times do recognize one another from the moment they cross be it in the middle of the night, over the phone, via the internet or as in Johnny and I’s case the paper. From the first whispered hello I can’t help but believe our souls recognize they are meant for each other. I absolutely subscribe to the crazy notion, and yes I have the nerve to believe souls mates, kindred souls are more than fanciful terms for true love. This was the case with Johnny and I. We didn’t need years to fall in love madly; we were already connected, in a way we truly did not even understand at the time ourselves. Our souls truly fused from the moment we met. Yes we really did experience some sort of a silly symphony, you know the kind, “how do I keep from tripping over my feet to be next to you “kind of moments, just like everyone else. But I will warn if you think we were bosom buddies every day, all day long one, without a “please stand clear of the doors Por favor ” moment, then you are greatly mistaken my friend. Believe me when I say we have had plenty of those days right from the word go. What I do know is this: whatever forces may have been against us they were not strong enough to keep us apart! Our souls connected without a doubt; on such a deep, life altering level… immediately, we were helpless to do anything but collide. This same ridiculously radically infused force which screamed “SOUL MATES” while singing it to the tune of Soul Man also made sure to navigate us to the alter where we said I do, just some six months later.

Jump ahead almost 10 years down the road….

We were still singing “Soul mates” and yes to the tune of “Soul Man” with our sunglasses on and suave hats upon our heads. What we didn’t see coming, the reality that hit us when we weren’t looking, the fact there wasn't supposed to be any kind of cancer in our fairytale, especially not breast cancer, knocked those sunglasses and hats right off our heads!

Come on, when you think of the ideal women, walking down the aisle or dancing cheek to cheek with her prince in a gorgeous, cleavage revealing gown you don’t envision her lope sided now do you? Sure you may think padded bras but surely not missing boobs! The down and dirty truth came crashing into our world dissolving our once perfect picture of happily ever after just six months (we have a thing for six months don’t we?) after Johnny and I bought, signed and sealed the deal on our first home. The ink had barely dried when Johnny and I watched the beast walk through our door, coming for our life, the one we had carved out together only 9 years and 9 months after we said “I do” putting our vows to the real test, “in sickness and in health”. I have to tell you having breast cancer invade our lives in the peak years of our young marriage turned out to be a bit surreal of a situation, honestly. I mean what do breasts have to do with anything right? Why do we need them anyway? Come on what man really wants to see cleavage or bouncy bundles of womanly form when his bride walks down the aisle or gives him a ‘come hither ‘look anyway? Truth be told boobies do make the bride to some degree, but boobs do not complete a woman. Sadly, like it or not, ta ta’s, boobs, boobies or whatever you like to call them do play apart in how we see women don’t they?

So instead of planning for a grand 10^th Wedding anniversary party in our new home, in our newly constructed castle, we found ourselves falling down the royal stairs, backwards, head over heels as cancer tried to break us. Cancer put her best foot forward to cut us off at the core. She dug her foot into who we were not just as a Mr. and Mrs. or King and Queen of the new castle we were living in but made her best attempt to split us apart as soul mates! I would have gladly lost my glass slipper on the way home from any ball; instead I had the privilege of losing my breast before my fairy godmother could sing bippity boppity boo and turn my pumpkin into a royal coach! Instead of dancing with my prince (no not charming, but still my prince all the same) at the ball Johnny and I were left running, dodging heart shaped spears while the Red Queen screamed, “Off with her breast” literally! It was as if Cinderella’s step mother had joined forces with the Red Queen of Hearts rolling into town leaving our world as we knew it upside down, tangled in calamity.

Who knew when I married my husband; becoming Mrs. Johnny O, at the age of 22 we would be facing breast cancer? I certainly didn’t but our love was forged stronger by the mere existence of those two words. My husband loves me just the way I am, lope side and all! If you ask him he’ll tell you he is in love with a one boobed, bent tiara, goofy, tangled up, pieced and broken, glued back together again, pink wearing breast cancer survivor, so not a princess in training! Johnny, has stood by my side not just through the initial diagnosis of this thing they call triple negative breast cancer, but a mastectomy, chemotherapy, a hysterectomy and all the other non sense cancer has brought our direction. At 32 years old, I was suddenly staring into the mirror, mirror on our wall wondering if I could still be Johnny’s fairest of them all.

So you’re asking yourself, what in tarnation is she going on about now, right? Yep, she’s lost it; need to recycle that bent tiara on top of her head for sure this time. Love at first sight really Christina? Come on, chemo must have destroyed more than you realize… love and the test of time…please! Christina, what makes you think your love story is “all that” girl? Well it’s not all that and bag of gum honestly, it’s actually a pretty average, run of the mill love story. I agree, no fireworks over head, no dove release or balloons flying up, up and away. So what makes our love story so note worthy, outside of sitting down for dinner with the Mad Hatter every night? Well it’s special to me; it’s unique to us, as each relationship should be because in spite of the loss of a breast, the endurance of chemo and now the uncertainty of remission Johnny still stands tall beside me, my knight in shining armor… even if it is bent in a few places here and there.

Our love story is a simple one, nothing too mushy or complicated but a story which has withstood the test of time, a real life fairytale filled with drama, struggle, romance, loss and love beyond measure. If I was given the opportunity today to say, “I do” one more time (yes even in a princess gown with a sparkly new tiara) knowing what we do now I would jump on board that band wagon, bells ringing and all falling down the stairs hand in hand, head over heels just to be able to lay next to my husband, my Johnny, for just one more night.

Today, 15 years after we first said, “I do”, I celebrate this deep hunk-a, hunk-a burning love I still have for my soul mate. No he didn’t turn out to be an ax murdered or a flash in the pan, no our love turned into something amazing and radically crazy. Right here, right now I wish my husband a wonderful anniversary and pray for many, many more to come!

~Christina (or should I say Mrs. Johnny O)

The End of Wonder Woman?

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Sun, 24 Apr 2011 14:42:00 +0000

Is this the end of Wonder Woman? Has she turned in her golden lasso, cuffs and her cape? Is there a reason she’s sitting on the rocks, boots off rubbing her feet? Seriously this is not the gracefully tough super power charged woman we are used to seeing right?

We all have times in our lives when we feel alone, even abandoned while surrounded by people. It could be we find ourselves in a dark place, wondering who turned out the lights asking ourselves where everyone went. In my own experience it’s not one thing which inevitably causes our house of cards to fall, its multiple, facades of things we are trying to juggle. When I think about my world closing in its generally because I’ve set myself up for the whole camel, moving along happily until someone places one last straw on my back scenario. Life is unpredictable, and we never know which straw will be the last to send us careening into a sand dune or better yet a palm tree right in front of us.

Maybe we are just having a bad day, possibly a long week which has turned into a full blown break down of our own wits! We may feel as if no one sees the sand trap we have fallen into or the hyena steadily gnawing on our arm while we frantically scream, “Hello. I’m not dead yet!” Life can sometimes be very disheartening if we let it be. If I am going to be honest with you, to continue wearing my heart on my sleeve as I do each and every day I have to let you in on a little secret of mine…last week came very close to becoming my complete undoing. Yes, I fell apart, completely to pieces, unable to sweep them up fast enough to super glue myself back together again! I also lost my pink cape somewhere in my flight path along with my super human powers which brought me crashing straight to the ground! Talk about a rude awakening. I finally ended my week by doing what I rarely do… retreating.

After dusting off the dried mud, surveying for and making sure I had no real damage I pulled myself up. I guess I could have continued to sit on my butt right where I landed, but what good would that have done? I will not deny I cried, like a baby I might add, even laying there for a moment or two, pushing my tears away in disgust feeling rather sorry for myself letting my raw emotions fall out of my perfectly packed concealed bag in a fashion as such. Let’s just say I was dismayed to put it bluntly, how could I have fallen from the sky above without a cause? Who could have ripped my cape away in mid flight? Well it was more of a tangled mess of getting caught up in the turbulence around me to be honest.

The problem with wearing a cape, trying to buzz around like you are invincible is that you are NOT invincible! No matter how hard you may try to be super woman, wonder woman or even elastic girl you cannot jump over buildings, lasso the truth out of people or bend yourself to everyone’s needs. It is just not possible. What is possible …is allowing yourself to bend, but not break, to open your heart up to being bruised without being torn in two and to be the best non super human caped being you can be.

The reality is I am one person, with more flaws than you can shake a stick at, hang ups my husband wouldn’t mind listing for you, and imperfections my kids would first and second at the same time. Seriously there are times I see the “is she serious, where’s the door” kind of dear caught in headlights look coming from those who suddenly feel they have entered the “Christina Charisma Zone”. Sure I have a little too much zeal and over flowing passion which at times can be misunderstood, taken by some as a “whoa Nelly”, get me out of here kind of moment, especially , bless their hearts, the ones who get too close to the flames of my exuberance! The deep down nitty gritty truth is I am just human. I fall, I fail and at times react too strongly, emotionally, letting my heart get the best of me.

What drives me, even when I am sitting with my boots off, massaging my sore feet is that I have this vision, a dream, a deep set hope, and an inspirational idea of what a world WITH breast cancer actually can be until we can do more than imagine a world WITHOUT it. One day we will find a cure, I have no doubt about it. We will put breast cancer to rest, cheer for the end of her reign but until that time comes my personal experience with her tentacles guides my vision. I am loud because I know so many including myself have fallen through the cracks along the way. Why start Christina's Breast Friends? What can we do that someone else is not currently doing? Well we can make this journey through the endless pink ribbons more intimate; bringing hope to a personal, emotional healing level, not some kind of idea, but a real, life altering experience. Offering the " put your boots back on, hold on to your hat" kind of support to those coping with a breast cancer diagnosis. This is my vision, the real deal and our hope as an infant organization.

A long time ago, in a land far, far away I was called to ministry. I might have been a child then, but I knew what I was called to do, to be. Now having breast cancer has not only brought my vision but also my passion into greater focus. The bottom line, the end page of this chapter is none of us are guaranteed tomorrow. We can choose to dwell on where and when death will come for us or we can choose to rise up from the ashes. We can make a conscious decision to let the brightly weaved cape go, to stop worrying about power or control over things our lives will never be able to lasso into submission. I can say without a doubt after staring death in the face I am very aware of how close she lurks to my sewn on shadow but I'm also very aware death has no hold on me as long as I am free to live or die trying!

This last week has been rough I can't lie ( I'm a non super hero after all). The truth is I have been in a fog, spinning my wheels, trying to overcome sickness and a few extra hurdles thrown my way causing me to retreat a little bit. I have worried how things will come together, where the money is going to come from, will we make this adventure of ours a success. I have fallen flat on my face, hurting my pride, overwhelmed, bewildered and yet at the end of the week, when the final day has come to an end, the truth is a brand new week is already beginning. A new hope has begun filtering in, filled with new concerns, yet wonderful opportunities, all ready for the picking so to speak, if I will just get up off my bum.

So I have come to the conclusion my cape is a “has been”, torn to shreds, sitting over in the corner. My super human powers have fled, leaving me vulnerable and I am pretty sure there’s kryptonite sitting in the room somewhere too. BUT, I have learned this week I am OK with just being me. Simply Christina, rolling up my sleeves, ready to work harder than ever before to make a difference in the lives of those who need it the most. I do not know where you stand, and I would not push anyone over a cliff with me just to have someone available to scream with me during the long fall down, let’s face it what good would that do? Maybe the trick is to leave someone up at the top of the cliff with a rope, ready to pull me back up after I have reached the bottom. Kinda makes sense huh? All I can ask of you, each of you, my friends and my family, my fellow bloggers, facebook buddies, Christina’s Breast Friends fans is this: reconsider the cape you may have fastened around your neck as well. Don’t let it take you off guard, pulling you backwards, again over the cliff as I did earlier this week. Yep I’m asking you to grab your boots, lace ‘em up and get ready to jump on board with me, take the plunge when you are ready because together we can send this beast packing…

The truth is at the end of the day Wonder Woman may certainly be sitting back , resting on the rocks she’s fallen on with her boots off, rubbing her feet but come tomorrow she will be back on her feet springing into action, just minus the cape!

~Christina

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Lemonade

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Fri, 22 Apr 2011 21:00:00 +0000

We have all heard the old saying, when life hands you lemons, make lemonade. Well what happens when life hands over the deed to a lemon tree grove? You get busy opening up a lemonade stand is what you do! That’s exactly how I see this journey breast cancer has led me on. Not much you can do when you have lemons taking over your life right?

Well you can do something more than juggle lemons around and that’s a fact. Life can seem crazy, out of control and at most points in our day largely overwhelming. But just because life may appear beyond our control does not mean we do not have a say in how we slice and serve up those sour lemons it’s presented us with. The key is to size them up and to figure out how you are going to put them to work for you! The thing is you're not going to get around them, it's all in how your plan makes use of them in your life!

Now when cancer came knocking on my door it was not the first time life had shown up with a basket full of lemons. Life had banged on my door with sour fruit long before breast cancer had signed over the deed to this grove of extraordinary tart infused craziness. As a child and into my adult years I was faced with many chronic illnesses. I have dealt with everything from diabetes over the last 30 years, to Bell’s palsy and a mini stroke but still I have found there is a subtle sweetness which we can find just under the peel of life if we are willing to just bite down.

Lemons aren’t necessarily on my list of favorite top 10 fruit to eat, so having more than one lemon tree in my life is a bit of an overkill really but I have found they can add sweetness and flavor to many of my favorite dishes or beverages. Yes, the juice can sting, especially if you have any little bitty cut on your hands, making it painful to work with those silly lemons life has brought home to you. Yet we all know lemons can create some of the best combinations we have ever experienced too. See once you have squeezed all the sour, tart, yet wonderful juice out of those lemons in your hands you find you have a wonderfully transformed concoction before you.

It’s all about perspective… you can see a grove of sour lemons in front of you or you can see a means to a large scale lemonade stand! Personally, I have chosen to make this grove of lemons my home, I have built my life around them. Sometimes they bring me pain and other times they offer me a clear perspective on my life and the blessings which surround it. I have also learned to carry around a bit of sugar with me too, just in case I need to sweeten the deal a bit. I have also found that no matter where I go, as far away from this grove as I possibly can, my home is still inside this lemon tree grove. I have in spite of the stress or the ultimate outcome of owning the deed to an out of control wild lemon tree grove found my family is at the center of who I am and they are OK with the lemon pies, lemonade, and lemon drops we feast upon on a regular basis. Together, we have pruned and harvested the fruit around us, sometimes with apprehension and other time with awe.

Either way, lemons are not always a bad thing. I am personally glad I have been given the deed to this place, I see hope here, possibility within these borders, upon these branches. Sure there may be fences to mend from time to time, trees to prune, fruit to pick and droughts to deal with but in the end it’s what you do with the life you are given , lemons or not! So friend, what are you going to do with this new deed life is waiting to hand over to you? Are you going to take life’s lemons by the bushel full’s, grab up the over following baskets around you and turn it into something extraordinary or are you going to let those lemons turn you sour? It’s all about choice and perspective my friend. Do you smell the sweet, subtle struggle in the air…its opportunity my friend, that's what it is. I'll tell you what, I can guarantee I have a few great recipes back at the grove house for you! Come on, we can turn this new adversity into something pretty amazing if you are willing.

~ Christina

Christina's Breast Friends is Offical!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Tue, 19 Apr 2011 17:13:00 +0000

I am so excited to tell you Christina’s Breast Friends has been officially approved by the great state of Texas! Our next step is to acquire our tax exempt status from the IRS in the next few months.

We have also launched a brand new flash website, making it more interactive, easier on the eyes and very colorful! Please check it out and let me know what you think. You can find it right here at Christina's Breast Friends

Check us out, see what were up to, what we're about and how you can get involved as well!

~Christina

The One Boobed, Pink Boobie Eating MONSTER!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Wed, 13 Apr 2011 13:47:00 +0000

I wonder how many “little girls” dreamt of the ‘one boobed, pink, boobie, eating monster’ when they were growing up. Let me tell you: not in my dream world, filled with tiaras, adventures leading me around the world or trees which were made for climbing! I had no clue whatsoever about Pink Monsters, hiding up in trees, ready to pounce and devour my boobies one day! If I had I may have seen my world a little differently. Come on, how many times did you even think about cancer as a child, especially breast cancer? Did you wake up one morning thinking about losing your boobies as a grown up, or were your thoughts about growing them in as a teenager?

Let me fill you in: the One Boobed, Pink Boobie Eating Monster exists! He is a bit sneaky, luring you into his camp of beautiful, round boobies. Before you know it, you’re exercising, chanting, “I must, I must, I must increase my bust!” Picking out sexy lacey bras and imagining how these works of art might look if they were just a little bigger, maybe even a tad smaller for some, but either way, boobies are a rite of passage for each and every little girl out there! Sadly by the time this Pink Boobie Eating Monster arrives, swinging off his perch tackling you to the ground, you’re a one boobed woman!

Now let me say, I am just fine living as a one boobed, pink wearing, loud mouth shouting, monster hunting machine! Seriously, this is not a problem for me, but I do still have moments when I miss my boobies, as in both of them still attached to my chest, big, beautiful, round and stuffed inside a two cupped bra! Yes, I miss my boobies; after all I was attached to them quite literary! That is until this monster decided I or rather my boobs, would be a tasty addition to his morning meal!

I have been a fighter from the start, digging into the heart of this monster, not allowing his poisonous claws, or jagged teeth to hold me back, to hold me down any longer than the time it took him to rip my breast away from me. But I do have those days, when I face the mirror, mirror on my wall, longing to see both my boobies still in front of me. Facing the scars everyday can become very normal, part of the daily routine, but sometimes, in those brief, forgetful moments, I find myself shocked not to see both my breasts, those two pieces of womanhood not starring me back in the face, together, side by side. It’s surreal honestly tracing the big, somewhat faded, 8 inch scar across my chest where a boobie used to sit. In those moments I wonder what life would be like to have them back, not to have lost them somewhere out there on the battlefield, to be able to feel my boobie inside a bra again, to see her outline under my clothing without dressing in layers. But this is not the life I was given, and truthfully not the life I would go back to but it is the life I now lead! I miss my boobie, I miss the way she felt and the way Johnny brushed up against her. Yet I know my baby, loves me just the way that I am: a one boobed, pink scared, monster hunting, breast cancer fighting oddball!

I am determined, one day; I will discover the One Boobed, Pink Bobbie Eating Monster’s camp. When this day comes, he won’t stand a chance! I will doss his fire, tear up his tent, break up his party and raise the flag of victory myself! One day we will pull him from his perch and rid him from our lives, so no more little girls will have to grow up facing this world as I do, a one boobie, one cup stuffed bra wearing, half eaten, scared, monster fighting , strange looking camper of the “Uniboob / Boobless Camp”, run by the ‘One Boobed, Pink, Boobie, Eating Monster’!

Until then, I will continue fighting, shouting, calling out, and tracking this monster. I may never feel my breast again, under my skin, she may never be a part of me literally, but I will never forget what it was like to dream, to hope and to grown into my own boobies as a teenager. So I fight, yelling "Bring it on” for all the little girls who have yet to meet this one boobed monster, and if I play my part right, they never will!

~Christina

She Fights Like Girl

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Thu, 07 Apr 2011 13:56:00 +0000

Perception is a funny thing, think of it like a two way mirror. What we see ourselves, how we view ourselves, can be so different from what others perceive on the other side of the glass. Sometimes we really do need a new, different perspective; while other times we actually clearly see what is standing in our way.

Some folks in our lives may see us as defeated, finding discouragement in the hardships we face while still others may see the spark inside our lives thrusting us forward, overcoming the struggles ready to devour our lives. I recently had a conversation with a friend, a dear friend with a whole new, completely different perspective on my own battle with breast cancer and the aftermath which has followed. Now I could have jumped back, indignant, offended, but the truth is his perspective is valid, but not the complete picture, not in how he views my battle through those particular glasses perched on his nose.

The truth is "this cancer" has taken over my life, he’s right and it did take my breast, removing and detaching itself physically from my body. Yes in retrospect"it" has shortened my life span to a degree BUT I am not my cancer, it does not own me nor does it control me! Cancer especially does not define me. What this breast cancer does do, has done, is inspire me, defining me only in the way I allow it to, in the way I choose to fight it! I am a warrior, more than a one punch and you are down, go getter, blaze a trail and then come back for those I could not carry on my shoulders the first time through kind of gal! If I simple accepted my fate, my destiny with cancer, allowed my experience to control me I would not be here today, my voice would have never risen from the destruction breast cancer sought to accomplish! Honestly speaking, this is the bottom of the barrel, knock you out, and smack you in the back of the head Jethro kind of moment! I may be a loud mouth, stand up to the beast, pink wearing, glove toting, fire blazing, charge , lets run toward the fight ,not from it type of girl, but I am not ashamed nor do I hide from this particular truth.

In the years gone by, women suffered through breast cancer quietly. It was expected, you fought it alone and you died from it alone many times. Mostly you kept it hidden, dealt with it and moved on, without offering your defining moment with the beast to anyone one else. In fact using the words breast and cancer together would raise an eyebrow or two. Let’s call a spade a spade, breast cancer makes us uncomfortable, causes us to squirm, cover our eyes, hold our hands over our ears, trying to ignore the Big C standing in our way. Sadly the whole hear no evil, see no evil strategy is a failure when it comes to cancer. Still many still hold to this approach after all we associate a woman’s breast with many things whether it is nurturing or sexual, we do not like to think of those women in our lives as dying, withering away from a disease eating at the very image we define a woman as: whole with two boobies.

Did I ever expect breast cancer to invade my life? Not really. I thought about it, say maybe when I was 60, not when I was 32 years old. Breast cancer came barreling into my life about 3 decades too soon. She came for me while I was still raising small children, boys who needed a mother, who still lay against my breast for comfort. I was not your typical breast cancer patient at the time either; unfortunately breast cancer in younger women is becoming more and more prevalent. With this news you can imagine so are the needs of these fearless women as well. Breast cancer does not fade into your life, pause and then fade out. This struggle is not a movie on the silver screen, 2 hours and it’s over, moving you on to the next great big thing. No this beast comes not only to knock you down but to claw you to pieces and if you have no battle plan, no sense of ownership, then you are going to struggle with getting back up on your feet.

You can call me defeated, overcome, taken over and led around by a ring in my nose. I will even admit I have felt many times as if cancer would kill me with her bare hands if she was allowed. I will not deny I am many things, but I am not a whining, feel sorry for myself, surrender the fight, it's over, wave the white flag type of anything! I refuse to turn myself over to the idea I am my cancer. I am weak in many ways in life, but when it comes to this beast, I am ferocious! I will not allow myself to sit here and watch other women, their families; their children face this battle alone! This is what drives me, encourages me, strengthens me, this is what defines me!

Yes perspective is a funny thing, but defeat is not in my vocabulary! I have grabbed hold of boldness, courage, tenacity, yes humor, determination and at times bravery in the face of breast cancer. I never envisioned myself as the founder of a breast cancer charity; no my aspirations in life were simple. I was going to go on the mission field, become a mother, a wife, and make my small mark here on earth. But you know what? This wasn’t His plan! This was: to battle a beast with no beginning and no end, to overcome, to live in spite of the odds, and to allow my battle with breast cancer to define me, not the breast cancer itself!

I am eager to reach my fellow survivors, those families fighting this battle and to remember those who we have lost along this journey. I do not know where life will take me, what cancer may eventually do to me, but this I know: I am strong, I am a fighter, but I am not a defeated, over taken, controlled by and given into cancer as a victim! I am no one’s victim, especially not cancers! Sure you may scoff, roll your eyes and even shout out a “yea right”, thinking to yourself, man she’s made herself part of the problem, consumed by an exclusive club of Pink. I will tell you friend, you have it partially right. But this is where you have it wrong: it’s not a club and it’s not exclusive. I would not deny I am part of the 'Fights like a girl campaign', I wear pink but I am not the color pink. True I am consumed with finding a cure so my own son’s will not have to face this beast one day themselves and you are absolutely right I am the problem! I am breast cancer’s PROBLEM with a capital P! The truth is I may fight like a girl, but watch out, cancer pulled the wrong woman into the ring, and my punch carries a decent wallop. Go ahead; just ask the cancerous beast lying dazed on the floor beneath my feet!

So friends, when perspective seems shaky, clouded by fear, worry, let it go. This battle is between you and the beast, those who chose to run into battle with you will, those who fear the gnarling moans of the beast will provide support in other ways, from the side lines. Just be ready, have your gloves on, and when breast cancer pops her head out from behind her claws, knock her out for the count!

~ Christina

Jumping Off An Emotional Cliff!

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 15:39:00 +0000

I don’t know how your week has gone so far but mine, yes I realize today is just Sunday,no Monday, has started off rather emotionally charged and a bit off kilter. I for one did not go looking for this mess I seem to have found myself in, yet “it” found me all the same. To be completely honest I knew, deep down, I had my suspicions, but I wanted to dismiss my concerns as silly and frivolous. I ignored what I saw; turned an ear to such silly chatter when “it” made way into my ears from time to time, and yes I kept my mouth shut mostly because I could explain it away. Now the truth is front and center and I have a choice to make: first take a long, deep breath, second make issue of such silly nonsense or let it all go. So go ahead, imagine me sitting here at 2 AM in the morning, PJ’s on, yawning, hair this way and that, maybe even some let over dried tears on my face with my scale of justice on the table, balancing out what to do next!

The reality is sometimes we find ourselves at an impasse in our lives, with no real clear direction. Should we stay where we are, move forward, take a step backwards or honestly jump off the cliff in front of us and hope for the best? Surely we will land on our feet or at least find a way to tread water if it ends up too deep right? The problem is life can get complicated, become out of sorts; turn us inside out leaving our lives a bit unsteady if we really want to be honest. I for one will be the first to raise her hand; maybe even jump up and down to attest to this fact. To be real as they say, think about it this way: just when you think you have seen or heard it all the grapevine you thought you had dodged back in right field comes up out of left field swinging a bat with your name on it! Before you have a chance to duck, to run for cover or to at least get your glove up in place, the bat you saw out of the corner of your eye has flattened you on the ground leaving you breathless and practically unconscious.

If you ask me what I think about all this, I’d have to tell you its all part of the game we play, how we as human beings treat one another, good, bad or insane, we all sit in judgment sometime or other. Who knows maybe it’s even how the cards are stacked, I don’t know! It probably comes down to whether you are able to please everyone in your life or not. Personally, I wouldn’t advise trying to be everything to everybody all the time, myself. Why, well inevitably you end up the last person to see and to feel the bat swinging a fast pitch directly right into your gut!

I have always been one of those people who have lived her life on her sleeve, out loud, ready to give 110 percent. Now you would think this would this would be a good trait to have right? Well honestly, it’s been both a gift and a curse. The real gifts you will always find, receiving selflessly, are the souls you will meet, the lives which will touch yours, encouraging and inspiring you along the way. The problem with walking around with your heart on your sleeve or even just trying to be brave in a frightening situation is that some will not understand your intentions. They will see you as a threat, someone to be leery of, or sadly someone looking for an angle. Maybe the truth is they cannot face their own fears, their own insecurities but whatever their reasons you become an easy target. The whole curse part of this insanely ridiculous situation is that while you are nonchalantly walking around with your heart on your sleeve, chatting away trying to bravely face the monster sitting in your driveway waiting to jump you the moment you arrive, is that you have to plan ahead for and duck friendly fire trying to get into your own home! This is another reason why I suggest keeping an emotional and spiritual first aid kit on hand at all times friends. The only other suggestion I have for you is to be sure to add a bit of humor inside your kit as well because you never know when laughing at yourself will come in handy believe me!

If I am going to really dig down deep, to share a bigger piece of my own crazy jigsaw puzzle of a life with you I would have to fess up to the fact I really struggle with how I see myself or at least how I did for many years. From the time I was a little girl I have had to face many obstacles, chronic illnesses, and the harsh opinions of adults who could not understand my resolve in the face of such turmoil. I can tell you most people either love me or they can’t stand me. I choose not to use the word hate; though I am sure a few along the way would beg to differ with me, because it’s such a strong word, carrying a weight most do not really care to burden. I honestly believe it’s not so much hate as much as a misconceived understanding and preconceived biased which causes the infamous “them” to rally the troops in an uprising, followed by pitch forks and chants to burn you out of your hiding place . I have faced many who would begrudge my family blessings God has provided, truly shocked anyone would find us worthy, see a hidden strength they cannot, even becoming angry when life seems to turn around, growing more vocal as God’s plans begin coming together . Once I developed breast cancer, I coined these few my ever loving, always challenging, fully engaged, very vocal cancer bullies. Sadly sometimes these attacks on our character come from people we would never expect it from, as they voice their thoughts, opinions and all out assaults on what they perceive as “wrongs”.

So how does one deal with this kind of battery? Well what we need to understand is that sometimes these folks get caught up in the woes of life. They cannot see the forest for the trees; to them their view is blocked when ours may be wide open. It’s hard I know when those times arise, as they hold you responsible for turns in life you have had no control over. I would say many of us, especially those who do wear our hearts on our sleeves or provide them as open books for all to read, have been down this road a time or two in their journey through life. From my own point on view I believe those few have seen me as an escape goat, I am sure you could say the same in your life as well, if you relate to my set of circumstances that is. Do I believe these folks mean us ill will deep down? No not really, but they do seem very determined to dig up a few extra pot holes and throw a hurdle, or two or three in our way along the journey all the same. Yes I could show you my scares, my scraped knees or bruised shins from these hazards which have left me in need of roadside assistance often enough but where does that honestly lead us?

Why this has been the course of my life or of yours, I cannot tell you, but the truth is these ups and downs, emotional detours, torn fabrics and rough edges have shaped me, refined me, made me into the woman I am today. Many times I have longed to right a wrong I have thought was done to me or prove myself in another's eyes, but I have finally learned this lesson. Maybe one the Lord above has been trying to teach me all my life and that is this: my worth and my ability to do something great with my life is not found in what a select few may see in me. No, my life, your life, this open book that we have become, is a work of God and it is His hand which guides us through all the dark corridors, the frayed bridges and yes even over the cliffs! My life is a work in progress, a life continued, one full of promise even if it has been torn open, at times to shreds, battered and scared along the way.

I still question the where and the why’s in my life. I often ask God what His purpose is in all these patches left for me to sew onto this quilt of life He graciously continues to afford me. I even cry myself to sleep some nights worrying I have not done enough, failed someone He has guided into my life. But the truth is this: I am not perfect; I am simply a patch worked quilt, made of His design, forged in the threads of life. I try as I may to be a super woman, to rise above the turbulence, but honestly sometimes we have to fall flat on our faces to appreciate the grace we have been given.

Life is not about arriving in a perfect body or having lived a perfectly played game, no truly I have learned life is about the small, little moments of defeat, of getting back up on your feet and trying again the next day. Personally having my breast removed, watching the red devil, a poison true to its name pump through my veins and still finding a way to pull myself up everyday strengthened me, taught me what is worth fighting for and what is not. Cancer showed me what was real and what is honesty fake. If living life with breast cancer has taught me anything it is this: we have today, this very moment to offer ourselves to those we hold close to our hearts, to love them, to provide our hope and our friendship to those our lives touch. “They” may not always accept what we have to offer, they may even talk you down behind your back, but understand this my friend; the giving of yourself, of your life, of your love and of your hope to others ultimately fortifies your own ability to endure whatever obstacles blow through your life, even if those gusts are hurricane strength! This is the bottom line: If you have shown those who hold you to standards above reach your unconditional love then know you have given all you can, no more or less than you can afford to offer. One day, even if you do not see the end result come to fruition with your own eyes, those few who have bullied you will see this unwrapped gift, they will know you loved them with all your heart, and will even make note of this small, wrapped, unopened package long after your journey has taken you into the unknown.

So my dear friends, take heart, do not worry, and do not hide yourself away because you fear you have faltered. We all face defeat, we all fail, and we all rise above to start anew, the real secret is in how we respond to the next pitch, to the next work of art, the unending, constant thread and the continuing design in God’s plan for our lives. The truth, I believe, true to my own life is actually found in how we learn to forgive those we feel have done us a wrong while continuing to find infinite hope in this journey we call life. So tonight, or should I say morning, I surrender myself and my need to race and jump off the emotional cliff in front of me. Life is a journey, not a destination. I am pretty sure if I put myself to it I can avoid doing a cannon ball into the choppy water below. Besides who needs any extra bumps and bruises from an insane, silly jump and dive over an emotional cliff anyway?

~ Christina

Warrior Dash, True Heroes

noreply@blogger.com (Christina) — Mon, 21 Mar 2011 17:01:00 +0000

Have you heard of the Warrior Dash? Maybe you have seen it on the news or possibly on Facebook? Well this past weekend I was not just able to see what this event was all about up close and personal but I was completely emerged in this new, rather wonderful, yet very unique American cultural event. What is a Warrior Dash? Well, it is the most amazing day, not to mention by their own statement, “the craziest, freakin’ day of your life”! And by all means it is crazy, but crazy is not always bad you know? Crazy can be wonderful, a completely different cup of tea, but exhilarating leaving you with a sense of accomplishment.

Now before we get too far along here, I have to admit I myself did not run the course, though I wanted to, believe me I was almost jealous of those crawling in the mud, running across the finish line. No I was unable to participate myself due to among other things a broken rib but that did not keep close to 40, including my husband, from dashing through water, climbing over mountains of hay, crawling through mud and jumping over fire and every other kind of obstacle you can imagine in support of Christina’s Breast Friends and breast cancer awareness!

I have to say I was not prepared for the support Johnny and I found when we arrived on Saturday morning. Honestly speaking, I had my breath taken away at first. I think I wandered around in a state of shock and awe for a bit as well. Brian Ring, Rushia Wallace and Stacy Bethea Delfelder dear friends, and long time high school buddies of my husband Johnny organized this wacky team of ours. I have to tell you seeing everyone there, in their CBF Boobie Company T-shirts, decked out in costumes, some even in bras and of course Brian in his pink snuggie costume, was amazing. What grabbed my heart the most though was the fact most of these precious, wonderful people did not know me. Sure they knew me but they had never really had the chance to truly get to know who I am as an individual until Saturday. This was the first chance many had to just hang out with me, get to know me beyond the title of, “Johnny’s wife” yet here they were, out not only supporting Johnny but me and our organization as Team: CBF! I am humbled by both the generosity and the enthusiasm they brought into our lives Saturday morning, all the way through until early evening. The support we felt that particular day was beyond anything else we have ever been a part of before. Truly I tell you, I felt for the first time I was a part of something bigger than just my own Hope, my own dreams for what CBF can be, but of something greater. What I felt Saturday was a confirmation in this idea of real, true, inspirational Hope and what support can truly be in the face of breast cancer. Personally, finding unconditional support through these times has been an up and down process. At times I have looked around to see not a soul within reach and at others I have had loved ones walk through high waters with me with an extra sparkle in hand.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying I have not had support, because I have, and sometimes it has been amazing, unbridled, unending Hope touched with love and grace. I have experienced such endurance from a few, from family and from friends who have never left my side from the first uttering of those two life altering words: breast cancer. But there have been dark times as well when I have questioned myself. Being asked by those who love you or befriend you such things as, “why haven’t you gotten over breast cancer yet” or better yet “why can’t you just let it go, move on because it is getting tiring Christina” even hearing the whispers when some feel you can’t hear, can become not just a slap in your face but leave you feeling like you have been thrown into a tub of cold water with no towel in sight. I liken it to having your candle blown out on your birthday cake as a child before you have a chance to make a wish.

These are the moments when I have questioned what I am doing, why I am doing it. I have thought of quietly bowing out, never writing again, never posting or even speaking of breast cancer for that matter. After all I do not want to offend or annoy anyone with this thing we call breast cancer, make anyone uncomfortable when it comes to facing this lurking beast. But then I remember this experience of mine is just that, an experience, one which has made me a stronger person and given me a voice, a testimony, a vision. I know what it is like to face the chopping block, to have your breast whacked off to be honest, to envision your boobie cut and quartered like a cake, then thrown into the trash, to realize you are going into the OR with two breasts and coming out with just one. Let me tell you this: losing a breast is not something you just get over in life; it is something in which you survive.

So now when I am asked why, or how come, or even told it’s time to just get over it I , giggle inside then I reach deeper than I even knew possible and smile. Why you may ask, well for starters I am not a victim of breast cancer, she does not own me, and I am not my breast cancer. What I am, well I am many things but first and foremost I am a SURVIVOR, not a passerby or a just a dip my toe in kind of gal, no I am a survivor with a mission! I do not want anyone left behind! I know what that feels like, to be abandoned, left without a hand to help you back up on your feet again. I for one am determined to walk through the back roads with those who need someone to carry their back pack for a while. Sure I may walk lopsided but the reality is I am here to walk it an I not? The pit falls, the potholes, the hurdles, the obstacles, through the high waters, the muddy roads, the stormy clouds and each new detour no one should be left to navigate alone. So this is my mission, our mission as Christina’s Breast Friends, to raise a voice of Hope, to become a beacon of light and to blaze a trail for all those breast cancer survivors behind us.

Looking at the obstacles of the Warrior Dash, watching those who participated as Team CBF brings new light to a sometimes disturbing, mostly harsh, but never forgotten cause: breast cancer, was truly humbling. Why am I so taken back, in awe and full of gratitude? Well look at it like this: I could not run the course, I could not drag myself through the high water, over the hay, push through the fierce winds, into the tiresome tire filled potholes, over the ropes, through the mud or jump over the fire BUT they could. These precious few, those who came out to support me, to support Johnny, to support the cause could overcome those obstacles in my place, in our place, for me, for you and for those who cannot, but will someday. Sometimes, when hope seems to be running dry, when all hope seems lost, she will find you even in the most surprising places and guide you to her once more. I want to assure you, hope is never lost, even if your support seems dim for the moment. You will overcome by the grace of God and by the love of those who truly surround you each and every day, even if they are miles away.

The truth is, the gem waiting at the bottom of the well is this: Hope and Support are two of the most important, priceless gifts you can ever offer a breast cancer survivor, at any time in their journey. What I found Saturday, as I was surrounded by courageous, muddy, down and dirty warriors, ready to battle the course before them was a breath of fresh air, a new found hope to believe in this mission of ours, the inspiration I needed to take one more step forward. So I want to thank each of you who came out, who took part and not only answered the battle cry but took it to heart. You are true heroes, and yes you are my inspiration!