enlightened wanderer

Moving

2014-08-26T16:06:00.001+01:00

After much consideration, I am now officially moving my blog to here. The reasons for this move is because I'm able to post photos of higher resolution there and also because I prefer the layouts that tumblr provides.

It would be in conjunction with the changes in my life at the moment and as reflected in the blog name, Of Rivers and Roads, it will be to record my journey and growth.

I have enjoyed sharing bits of my life with you here and it'd be nice too have you joining me at my new blog too :)

*Photo taken at a camping trip I went on. I'll be sharing more photos from that as well as other travels on Of Rivers and Roads soon!

green veins

2014-08-14T18:13:00.000+01:00

For reasons I can no longer remember, I hadn't been too keen on hiking up Cavehill when my friends told me that they were making a trip and asked me to join. I think it was something to do with what I know of my stamina and how I had never been particularly fond of hiking, but on the day itself, I woke to my alarm and prepared myself for the day out.

When we stepped off the bus at the stop beneath the hill, it was clear that we had left the city. The green lounged around us, parts of it lit and parts of it in shadows. I snapped a photo of some trees that looked like they were made of a million glitter spots.

Belfast castle was also at the foot of the hill, and it was there that we headed towards first. There wasn't much to see, just the grounds, so we started our hike, stopping every now and then to nibble on some snacks we brought.

We would also stop every so often, such as when we came across these massive fallen trees and took a group shot. My friends insisted on including me in a photo, so I went and climbed up the trunk. After the photos were taken, I tried hopping off and scratched my fingers along my way down. My friends immediately asked if I was okay but I felt like it wouldn't really be a proper adventure without a few scratches here and there and thus brushed their concerns off.

I also kept stopping to capture foliage that glowed in the sun.

We could see a bird's eye view of Belfast city all the way, but that wasn't as impressive as when we climbed a wall three times our height into a cave. It was literally like cliff climbing, our hands and feet searching for groves in the vertical rock to hook onto. It was also a lot more terrifying coming down than it was going up. Before climbing up, I'd made notes of the spots where I would be able to grip onto but when I was coming down, all I had was the directions of my friends as to where I could place my feet next (which I was really grateful for and couldn't have done without) and the fear of falling was so real. It probably seems silly, as there was really nothing in the cave but some wrappings litterbugs left behind before us, however, it was the thrill of scaling the rock wall that we went for.

I remember being completely stressed out the days before, by work at my part-time job as well as the pressure to get a full-time job within these few months. This day out opened my eyes again towards what I had to do, the way life works. I remember hiking, placing one foot in front of the other and repeating that motion, step by step, and it didn't take that much effort to reach the top. Then I realised it was the secret in the steps. All I had to do was take a step. I was surrounded by nature where it's so easy to feel at home, and I had my camera and the company of friends. There were times where we wandered up little hills that were more like stages along our way up to the bigger top, just so we could see how it was like from up there before making our way down again. There was no rush; everything happened in good time. It was remembering my heart pulses at its own pace, and that it was these manageable steps we make each moment that add up.

A fluffy bee, moss and marbled rock.

One of the last photos I took was of a tree shaped as a wishbone.

I was so glad I went. I arrived home feeling that satisfying ache in my body, and felt really energised for the next few days.

*I've been trying to find ways to post photos with higher resolution on my blog while maintaining them at this size, but I'm not too sure to. Let me know in the comments if you happen to know how.

seedlings

2014-08-09T12:26:00.000+01:00

A couple weeks ago, I bought a pot of roses that were reduced to 80p at Tesco. They blossomed after a few days, and after watering them, I watered a pot of orchids that belonged to my friend in the kitchen as well. To my friend's surprise, the orchids started to blossom.

Both of us began to discuss excitedly about something we had always wanted to do, and I decided that it was time we started. Therefore, a few days later, we made a trip to the city and bought a few sacks of soil, pots and packets of seeds.

As soon as we arrived home, I got busy mixing the soil and picking the seeds I wanted to plant before sprinkling them into the soil.

They then started sprouting the days after. Each day after I returned home from work, I would water and check on them. It was such a simple yet lovely delight to have something so uplifting to care for, and this love is probably something I inherited from my dad who enjoys gardening so very much himself. Here are some photos of the seedlings.

2014-07-15T00:26:00.000+01:00

So in an attempt to practise patience, I found a photo and sketched it out last night. Besides rediscovering skills I wasn't sure I possessed, I also discovered a new favourite photographer.

pushing pins

2014-07-15T00:23:00.001+01:00

Sometimes, I almost envy those people who able to live small, just getting along by life, remaining in the town they were born in; growing up, going to school, getting married, bearing children and spending their time out at the tip of a pin pushed into the world map. Isn't that easy? Not having to spend weeks that rush into months, yearning for something bigger, missing someone. I know that it is perhaps not just as it seems and that everyone has their own struggles, but once in a while, I catch a glimpse of that sort of life and wonder if it is as simple as it appears to be.

After almost four years spent away from the place where I was born (home isn't an easy word for me to use, being as complicated to define as it is), I have come to realise that no matter how, we will always come to miss the place so familiar we once thought we knew everything about; the place we'd sometimes been so eager to leave in search for the ones where the buildings were more charming and the people more romantic the way we had always read and heard about. I've been imagining my feet in the warm sands, waves licking my toes the way my dog back home sometimes does when I spill something on them, being with you, being with you, always being with you and seeing it all together.

Instead of saying on the verge of tears, I tweet edge of the waterfall for the times I miss you so badly, as well as for the times I feel so afraid of being average all my life. I don't know if anyone else has ever felt this way, or whether everyone feels this way. It was only rereading an old letter from my penpal where she had, in conjunction with one of our personal festivals, listed out all the favourite things of hers that she had received from me, that made me realise that perhaps, perhaps love is enough. To have touched another's life in an uplifting way, and not just one but more than that, may be one of the best things we can do in this life.

5am at the coast

2014-06-03T09:30:00.000+01:00

I'd been making a point to shoot more this year, considering how few photoshoots I had been on last year, so when my friend Syahin asked me if I could take photos of him a while ago, I kept his name in mind.

It has been a whirlwind of a year. A small one, actually, but it was (is?) my final year at university and we had important projects to complete. Time was slowly freed up the past few weeks and I really wanted to do something creative, so I contacted Syahin and we planned for a shoot.

It doesn't seem too bizarre to me until I tell it to others the things I would do for photos, and this was about the same. Syahin has a car and offered to drive me to wherever I wanted to go for the photos. I was dying to see a beach and the sea, so when I came across this place called Helen's Bay that was a coastal area yet not too far off from where we lived, I suggested that we go there -as well as try to catch the sunrise which happened to be at 5am.

You know he/she is a pretty cool person when they say yes to your crazy ideas.

So we both woke up before 5 and he drove with the guidance of a gps, only for us to end up in the middle of a street in a residential area. Not having any other choice, we wandered about until we found a path that appeared to lead down to the beach.

We did not arrive at the beach immediately, but instead found ourselves at a fork in the path amidst the small woodland-looking area, and taking one down brought us to a very rocky coast. There must've been other people who had visited that area before, despite it being still and empty when we were there which was most likely due to the time of day. I discovered a trodden path between the grass and boulders and made my way carefully down it.

I am pretty sure I had always only shot girls before this, therefore, this would be my first real shoot with a guy. It was a pretty fun shoot, nevertheless, with me asking him to climb on rocks and lie among flowers that were way too pretty to resist.

The sun that I had hoped for never really surfaced as it turned out to be a cloudy day, but I made do with what I had.

Towards the end, we found the beach but it was at the bottom of a very steep slope. We contemplated going down, and ended up doing so because we were already there anyway. I made my way down the steep slope just fine, but then slipped on some moss when I climbed onto a low rock to be able to shoot from a higher angle. The fall drew a line in my tights and scraped just the teeniest bit of my knee, but I was more worried about the slight thud I heard from my camera and did not even noticed that I was scratched until Syahin pointed it out. But what's a tiny scratch compared to an adventure anyway?

green crowds

2014-05-17T18:53:00.002+01:00

I've been writing unguided writings where I'm pretty sure all the rules are wrong, all except for grammar, but even that may be questionable; rebelling against my love-hate relationship with academics and all its imposing writing.

This library has lost all the charm it once had for me, yet I'm still here. I don't really want to be here. There's the field and the trees outside this glass box where I sit with all these various creatures (if you split us into professions, that is).

Anyway, I wrote some sort of poem –

I've been sober on life for too long

I'm losing my mind

We sat in the middle of the field a few days ago

Lay there, me on your chest

There was always things flooding my mind, my chest

Swelling and pressing themselves against the wall

I had to remind myself to breathe

But that day we sat there

Amidst trees and greenery

I watched the leaves

Green crowds, green clouds

I'd never liked crowds

But these foliage together sang me peace

I was here, I was now

The breeze nudged me gently as I looked up to you

watching everything I had just seen

instagram / vscocam

fledging dreams

2014-05-10T17:30:00.000+01:00

After spending so much time around people my age, I always find it really refreshing to meet people with a bigger age gap. Around two weeks ago, I went for a shoot with my friend Bernadette and her sister, Sarah. Our walks and talks fell naturally into a rhythm as we talked of books and movies and university (and of whether one could study piracy at university -the ahoy, mate! sort of piracy, that is).

The sisters weren't models, and it took a while, but soon enough, they eased themselves up in front of the camera by interacting with each other and doing the things they did best -one of which was climbing trees! They were a breath of life I needed in those weeks that I was working on my dissertation and I love the way these photos turned out.

I thought I would've written down what happened that day, but I might have forgotten and so now all that's left is fuzzy memories of what we said. But before we left, Sarah asked me if we were friends to which I said of course. Her face lit up, pleased to have a new friend which I thought was adorable. I was glad to have a new friend too, but I would have never expressed it so enthusiastically.

Also, I have been working on a portfolio website for a few months now and am finally releasing it for everyone to see! Have a look here if you'd like to :)

floating steps

2014-05-06T14:07:00.000+01:00

I was sitting in the office

thinking of something less pretty

only to remember that

I'm trying to eliminate ugly

So I looked up at the windows

framed like a glass tank

and noticed a soft drift

that reminded me of snow

Perhaps it was spring saying hello

We've had two weeks of sunshine

and I'm afraid that gold's been all used up

Because the forecast speaks of rain and drizzle

I thought the Irish had better luck

But I look down at my black tights

with skin shining through

And realised how I'm still dressed in winter

Blue, blue, black with magenta shoes

Proving how I walk with my heart

Through days of gloom

Le Carved City: Paris trip part ii

2014-04-27T12:16:00.001+01:00

If you've read about the first day, I will assure you that the next few days in Paris were much better. We had planned out a list of places to visit beforehand, and despite having to shift some things around to suit us better once we were there, we managed to visit everywhere we wanted to and even had the last half day free. Of course we went in search for food with that extra bit of time!

Most of the places we visited were the typical touristy ones, which despite being cliches, we wanted to see them for ourselves. So here are the photos I took.

Black and white postcards with scenes from much older days on the stands which I was so tempted to buy.

We took the metro to the station just outside Arc de Triumph and proceeded to walk down Champs Elysees all the way to the Louvre.

Roadside crepe stalls

The sun was blazing all the time and when it reflected off the white gravel, we had to have our eyes almost permanently squinted. As Wenkai and I sat under a few trees' shade while we had baguettes for lunch, we stared out at the sunbathers basking in the middle of the park and I wondered out loud how they managed that.

I am just at awe at how graceful these sculptures have been carved despite being made of stone.

Most places had never-ending queues, and the Louvre was the same.

Girl looking for her family

I realised that I probably should have waited till the man, whose head can be seen as large as life here, had past, but then I figured that more would have only come to replace his. Oh well, crowded touristy places.

Pretty sure it was one of the only things most people came to see.

Girl sketching a sculpture opposite her.

The lock bridge.

Roadside artist.

Saint Chapelle, where the stained-glass work was a world wonder itself.

Here's to more travels and more photos to come :)

thoughts on shooting

2014-04-21T14:23:00.002+01:00

A while ago, I saw someone post up what I suppose is a quote which stated: shoot less, think more. It appeared on my newsfeed and I paused my scrolling to ponder that for longer than I normally do with most other things I see, and back then, I wasn't too sure what to think about it but now I do.

It hit me a while after seeing that, and I realised that it is in fact one of the most destructive things to do. To shoot less and think more. Because to shoot less not only robs you of practice and the chance to learn and develop your style, but thinking more usually does more harm then good especially when it turns enthusiasm for a thing to self-doubt regarding your abilities to create. And the thing is, there is no real right or wrong to creating. We all create to the best of our abilities at any given moment, but we nevertheless develop and refine our skills with more practice. And more practice means spending more time with something.

I suppose what I'm doing here is mostly stating the obvious, but if it makes you realise the simple reasons behind me disagreeing with that quote and makes you go out and shoot, create and have fun more often, then I would have encouraged the life in you to grow. So many of us, myself included, spend so much time on social media these days, and so much of it is unnecessarily spent. I am now taking a break from social media for a few days, at least, to work on finishing my dissertation, but I felt the urge to write this. It is perhaps a bit contradictory, considering that I am sharing my thoughts in this, but we do not have to share everything. If it is the pressure of what others would think of your work that you worry about and not create, then you are going about it the wrong way. Share what is comfortable to you, or what you want to when you'd like to move out of your comfort zone, but seriously, stop thinking so much and shoot more. Shooting more doesn't mean that you take a photo of everything you ever see, it doesn't mean that you have to take photos of that which doesn't interest you. And not thinking so much doesn't mean you go about it mindlessly. Take some care, but sometimes we need to learn how not to take ourselves so seriously too.

Below are some photos I took while location scouting with my group mates before we shot our short film. I'll be sharing the second half of the Paris trip post soon, as well as some photos I took of two gorgeous sisters when we went on a photoshoot a few days ago :)

Journeying from town to town.

Kathleen trying to take some photos of a location we were going to use.

The backyard of the house we shot in.

All those late night journeys where we squeezed in the back of the car, tired but still somehow, singing.

Le Carved City: Paris trip part i

2014-04-14T13:17:00.003+01:00

I'd always wanted to visit Paris, after I'd seen a scene in a cartoon show take place by the Eiffel tower back in the days when I watched cartoon shows. I know this probably sounds cliché, but I wanted to see the place for myself. So with the money I'd saved up from working part-time, my boyfriend and I bought ourselves flight tickets and searched for a budget hotel to stay in. It had seemed like the days we were going to be travelling were still so far away, but it came faster than we'd expected, as time always does. Soon, we were a few days from it, researching places to visit and packing our bags. I think I'm learning to travel light; we only brought along a small cabin luggage and a sling bag among us and it was more than enough.

It didn't all start very well, kicking off with a flight delay that only meant we lost more hours alongside the time difference. We had an overpriced yet measly lunch at the airport and shared a cup of coffee before I fell asleep. I had a leaky nose and the sniffles, and by that night, I felt so worn out I was so afraid I wouldn't be well enough to walk the next day, but thankfully I woke up feeling much better than the day before.

Bus ride from the airport.

Then there was also the worst experience of the trip just a few hours in our arrival at the new city. As we reached the bottom of the stairs after seeing the basilica, a few black guys came to use with some of that colourful string another had as well when he approached us before we went up the stairs. This time, they were more insistent. Attempting to calm us by saying 'don't be scared, don't be scared', the blocked us from walking away and hooked the string on each of our fingers. I knew nothing good was going to come out of this, but I didn't know how to leave too in that moment. They chattered, asking our names and where we were from, to which I just kept silent throughout and never replied, while twisting some braid with the string hooked to my finger. When they were done, they tied the some sort of bracelet around my wrist and tried to turn Wenkai and me away from each other but I made sure I kept my eye on him in case they tried to do anything funny to any of us. Then they demanded money from Wenkai, lying and saying that they would give him change for a 20euro bill. I don't know why he handed it to them, but then they left, satisfied with their success in swindling us.

There was nothing left we could do except to head off. I was so mad, that a few steps later, I struggled to wrench that stupid string bracelet off my hand. It left me with a sore wrist, but I tossed the wretched thing aside on the street. It was the first place we had visited and I had to leave in such anger, making me feel even less well. We had a simple dinner at a kebab place because we could find no other, where I had some pretty good savoury crepe and then headed back to our hotel.

I don't think it's very pleasant when the thing that others choose to constantly remind you is to be careful of pickpockets before you visit a place, and that was what everyone did when they found out that I was visiting Paris. On that first day, I was filled with so much fear, even when I was not in the Metro but just thinking about how I had to be careful and guard my pockets.

On the second day, I decided that it wasn't the way to live or travel. That is, in fear. I decided that yes, I was going to be careful with my pockets, but I also wasn't going to allow fear and one bad experience ruin the whole trip for me. It also took me a few days, but I cooled myself down by telling myself that those people who ripped us off with the money probably needed it more than we did, and it was then only did I find peace with that incident.

The city from the top of Eiffel tower.

Train ride to Chateau Versailles.

My favourite room in Versailles which was filled with chandeliers.

A wild flower Wenkai plucked for me.

Feathery friends roaming the palace grounds.

Spotting the Eiffel tower from street corners.

(the photo above, and the first photo in this post, are four photos stitched together)

When Wenkai went on and on about how we'll have to eat escargots when we were in France, I'd always crinkled up my face and never imagined that I would even touch them. But after I spotted them on the starters section of the menu and we ordered them, they came, smelling like garlic bread and my hand mechanically picked one up. They had a texture like some shell fish, and I loved the marinade they were cooked it so almost half of the plate above was finished by me.

Savouring escargots, which I surprisingly have developed a liking for.

I think it's a European thing, where they can only give you tea when you ask for hot water.

Sometimes, a big group of children would come onto a carriage that we were in, bringing along an orchestra of chatters. This little girl had wide-set eyes but when she smiled, it was really sweet.

Wenkai writing postcards to his family on the little bedside table in the little room we stayed in.

I like how there seems to be a list of people I know I have to send postcards to each time I travel, and that most of them are always the same. I bought 10 postcards this time, two which Wenkai took, and headed to the post office to purchase stamps but everything was in French so I fumbled around the place attempting the machines and having to google how much it costs to send an international postcard with a very weak free wifi signal we could get there if we stepped out of the building, before queueing at the wrong counter waiting for two people before me who were taking quite long and realising that it was another counter that I needed to go to. I think I hardly spoke in Paris, apart from talking to Wenkai, of course. And it was with a handful of English words that I bought ten stamps with, and thinking later that I'd probably bought too many and that I wouldn't use all of them but ended up wishing I had more postcards to send to a couple more people. Haha, oh well. These pictures are for you if you didn't get a postcard :)

Ps. I uploaded quite a lot of my iPhone photos to instagram, so if you haven't seen them, check them out here! Give me a little follow if you like my photos there :)

the destruction of a seed

2014-04-11T22:18:00.004+01:00

I haven't been writing much at all lately, not just here, but in my general life. I've just been thinking a lot to myself how terrifying it is to realise that we change, and that I'm not sure how to pin down decisions because if there is one thing I've learnt, it's that despite knowing so many things and myself so well back then, I did not know how and towards where I would change. I'm not sure though, did I think that I would stay the same?

I knew that I would grow. In taste, especially, as I try to direct my work into higher directions. But I've also been thinking a lot about where to direct myself further into life. As I was writing this, I pondered on deciding upon a right path to take, then realised that, What if there is no path? What if we're just wading through fields of green wavering leaves and kicking through sand crossing deserts and splashing through puddles? Isn't it more natural to follow our own steps through each tick of time, instead of what society has expected of us to live (go to school, graduate, get a job, get married, having kids, work work work till it's time to retire and die). Why has it become so difficult to not follow that?

I'll be graduating from a university degree in a much shorter time than my mind has me to believe. I don't think it has fully sunk into me yet, although it's mostly because of the reasons I'd chosen to go to university that were different than so many others. I have been thinking of ending so many things, things that drains my soul more than it refuels it. I've been considering potential alternate futures, attempting to weigh up the quality of life and love they have in them. Because despite all expectations, leaping straight into a job after graduation somehow seems like going in the wrong direction for me.

I can't remember why I started writing this post. There's been the concept of a quote repeating itself in my mind, about how it appears to be complete destruction when a seed splits to sprout forth new life, when the truth is in fact quite the very opposite of what it appears to be.

Anyway, I would like to stand to the believe I've had for a long time about how everything happens for a reason so there is no use for regrets. I suppose that it is to allow your faith to be the biggest picture, so much that all fear is lost within it as vivid colours.

my love among spring blooms.

London diary: part i

2014-01-11T17:34:00.000+00:00

Big Ben, tourists and a christmas tree as seen from Trafalgar Square.

I edited these photos and now write this with a soft longing in my heart. This London trip has been so good to me, and I surprised myself with the realisation that I want to be back among those rainbow crowds in one of the biggest capital cities in the world –because I'm usually not a fan of crowds at all. But to be in London is to be among crowds in a way that it seems to be tied in with the city's personality.

I suppose I'll start with an explanation. There are friends and people in London that I would love to meet up with, so if you're one of them and you're reading this, I did not this particular time because it was a personal trip I took with my boyfriend and we had made our own plans. I would, however, be more than willing to do so the next time I visit as there are faces I haven't seen in ages and miss dearly. And now I shall start with my memories.

We woke up early on boxing day morning, the cab already called for the evening before. And when I say early, I mean less than four hours past midnight. Our eyes were unusually wide for such an hour, but we were excited for our first flight together and for me, the first trip that I would pay fully out of my own earnings.

The taxi took us along the long, empty, early morning roads that had frosted up from the night before as I stared out and occasionally chatted to Wenkai. It was only when we were inside the airport and realised that we were more than an hour early that drowsiness hit me and I lay my head down on Wenkai's shoulder, eyes shut but not being able to fully sleep. Music played through the overhead speakers and I thought they sounded overly cheerful as I half-watched a lady drawing the shutter doors to open a souvenir shop in that tiny, dim airport.

Drenched pigeon.

I don't remember much of us boarding the plane, but we go about with such ease like we've flown together all our lives and soon we are landing on Gatwick's runway and I look out and see a pretty incredible sunrise. I remember how sunrises always fool me into thinking that getting up early was worth it.

We catch the bus that would take us to the city centre and as much as I want to, I don't allow myself to sleep during the ride as my eyes insist on staring out of the square I wiped clean on the fogged up window to see the scenery we are travelling past. I say to London in my head that it looks lovely today and that I'm glad to see it. It smiles back in sun rays to me.

When we arrive in the city, we meet up with Wenkai's friends, one of whom we were going to stay with, and we go for Malaysian food which we have been missing. The food at the restaurant we go to is quite authentic and we pay somewhat around ten times the amount we would pay back home. I don't take much photos with my camera, only some with my iPhone, as I see the place with my own eyes first. However, I join in the conversation occasionally and it pleases me to realise that I can get along pretty well with his friends as well. They later insist on taking my bag for me, which was one of the first of many kindness they would later show that I am so very grateful for.

I soon find it funny how people always say how much rougher and ruder and more impatient people from bigger cities like London are because the people I meet have been so much friendlier than what everyone always describes. I start photographing strangers I find interesting in the tube, finding it a lot easier using my phone. We see so many different kinds of people all the time. There was a row of strangers reading and later a man who had to hold his bouquet of flowers high above the crowd's heads as everyone jammed in on a very busy line.

We visited the National Gallery again, and I was observing the way light fell and lit the subjects in the paintings at first as well as the compositions, but then later moved on to observe the expressions of the subjects as I realised how well they were captured. We didn't get to visit the inside of Westminster Abbey which I had wanted to show to Wenkai, but it was alright because we had to catch the 'Wicked' play. We ate sushi at a chain for lunch before heading to the theatre.

Oh, Santa!

Trinkets at Camden market.

Winter Wonderland at Hyde Park.

This was where I decided to become a bird photographer. I thought that the texture of the water was pretty wonderful!

A few mornings later, we woke up to sunshine from the windows as it was drawn, and Wenkai's friend, Fang Yu, whom we had been staying with brought us to this park called Hampsteath Heath. There was a house called Kenwood at the grounds which one could immediately tell belonged to a rich man from the past as we queued at the front door to get in. The interiors were all grandeur, with little of the walls left empty and uncovered by paintings in large, gold frames.

There was a library in cupcake colours –pastel blue and pink– and fine elaborate carvings which I could only wish to have someday. The curtains in the rooms hung thick and majestic, crowning the sunlight that streamed in abundantly.

That day had also been a day of crowds. We walked past countless others, many with mud-soaked dogs who had ran through the mud, and I started to get a bit impatient when I had to wait (again!) for a clear view before I could press my camera shutter as people would just constantly walk past, oblivious to the fact that one had their camera to their eyes. I later told myself that it would have been silly to get mad at that. Cities are a place of people and all of us were here to enjoy our holidays. A little kindness (and patience, I suppose) could prevent another's day from being spoiled as well as our own.

Nature's little light bulbs lit in the sun.

I have a few more photos to share, which I probably will in a separate post, but I'll end this here.

I leave London, always with a little piece of it in me, knowing that it is never the last time I see this city. I will return again.

To its hustle and bustle, the ebb and flow I seem to have been able to tune myself to. I don't even mind its crowds half as much anymore, knowing that it's just a part of its personality. I've gotten to know its rainbow veins, the underground that runs through the city's skin, providing the city with its life and energy. I have come to see it through more romanticised eyes, no longer ugly like my second trip here had made me think of it. It is fuel; there is so much fuel here and I now see how it is to feed our growth.

London said goodbye with misty eyes.

2013-12-20T18:03:00.000+00:00

This is not how I'd imagined I would begin my holidays.

There were wild dogs in my mind. I tried to hold them in, hoping they would dissolve if they could not escape, but they made their way to my heart and chewed it out. Maybe the corner would work, I thought as I curled myself up tightly but this time they broke my voice as they escaped.

~

It is tough to remember a time that I've ever belonged. I have spent my life in paradoxes; what I believe I am isn't always what others are able to see in a glance. The most I've ever had was love; love for the things I do, love for myself when I don't forget, love for those I chose and were destined to love. Sometimes they try to place me like a game piece on the wrong square of a board of a game I'm not willing to play and I'm not always so sure of how to leave politely.

I'm not even sure of what I'm trying to say here anymore. I was thinking about these in the shower (like I always do. Think of stuff, that is. Not just this.) and told myself that even if it wasn't so positive, at least I would try writing something coherent. But well, I've been fighting against stereotypes my whole life until I realised that I could settle into something more natural. These days I sometimes feel like I've aged a hundred years and I don't really want to fight anymore, just to slip into me is all I'm asking for.

Joy, is feeling the scattering of light all over you.

2013-12-20T18:02:00.000+00:00

The first semester of my last year in university made me feel like fruit packed solidly into a jam bottle. It was good in its way, me trying to balance everything I wanted with these two arms of mine, but there were times when I was stressed out of my mind. For some odd reason, I built those up inside of me without releasing them through some creative outlet like I used to do, so when they did make their way out, it was in pipe bursts.

Anyway, I have decided to join the #Flickr12Day contest just to have a creative photo project of my own again. I am going to take a photo a day, each exploring the ways to express and/or portray joy. Wenkai modelled for me in my first one (the reason there are two not just one photo here is because I couldn't decide which conveyed joy better).

On Flickr: 1, 2.

And here's an instagram photo to put you in the festive mood!

I hope your holidays are wonderful!

this city

2013-11-02T16:46:00.000+00:00

It's autumn here now, and I took these photos about a week ago, but they look more like winter streets than the usual fiery autumn ones.

I've been busy with life. It's my final year in university and I have a dissertation to research and write as well as a short film project to shoot, alongside many other things life brings. Through one season, I felt like I had gone through several; being really happy for getting something I earned and having wanted really badly then losing it at the last minute. I told myself it was okay, everyone told me it was okay, that these things happen even though I deserve it, but there reached a point where I felt like I'd lost it all. Then I never wanted to talk about it again and decided to focus on what I have to do for now, and so threw myself back into doing my best for uni work, which I reminded myself was what I'd chosen in the beginning anyway.

It's a funny way opportunities work. After I'd gone on with life, someone I knew sent me a message to offer me a job. I took it up and despite it being sometimes less than what I would actually want, the flexibility serves me well. Stepping stones, I tell myself what it is. A stepping stone.

Sometimes I wonder if I'd grown a few more arms, all of which are whirling with their own respective business. I don't know if I'm any good at juggling, but I am willing to do because I need all of these in my life right now.

ps. I haven't been writing much lately, nor have I had the time to read books outside of academic ones, but the academic readings are good and stimulating, and I have been taking so much more photos again so that's nice. I will also have to make time to write to all those people whom I haven't yet replied to.

Hope you are all well.

lost in flowers

2013-10-05T18:43:00.002+01:00

Model: Emma-Louise McCoubrey

Styling: Model's own

Photos taken and edited by Yi Lin T.

before I see you again (journal entry)

2013-09-23T23:34:00.000+01:00

If it has to come to this, here's the challenge: be honest, be real, be true; even if just to yourself.

We lie on our own beds, a few thousand miles away in physical distance (although to me there's only you being next to me and you being not, so it's the same even if you were just half a mile away and out of my sight), covered with out blankets of steady love but hugging onto lovesickness. It's been so long, so very long, but the days do pass and the one I've been waiting on all summer is nearing and we'd be in each other's arms again. My heart aches so much for that, that it cries out with each of its little pump.

Soon, love. Soon.

I love that when you couldn't sleep and wanted someone to talk to, you came to me. I mean, they'd all say of course you would come to me, who else? But it still feels so nice that you did (do).

The conversation's different coz we're drunk on sleepiness, so it's an extension of repeated "I love you's" and multiple hearts. Still, it's good. But the love and missing all well up in me, all at once, and I cry. Not in the way I sometimes now do, out of worry or hopelessness, but this is an overflow of the love in my chest, of all I feel for you.

Even the simple tenderness of "Can't sleep love". It's the 'love' that gets to me. The very essence of what we are to one another.

Love is strong. And so are we.

yellow

2013-09-23T23:22:00.001+01:00

wildly blown leaves as shadows dancing on my bedsheet a few days ago

I want to start taking photos all the time again. I have stopped for far too long, it seems, and I'm scared that I've almost lost touched.

I want to stop trying to tell others that I'm not a perfectionist when I am always so harsh on myself, work-wise, because I only want to create good work. But then maybe that has hindered me from creating and I've decided that I should just go ahead and do, do, do because that way I'll get practice and learn. Flaws are okay; we'll all get better.

And I also want to share photos again. I have months and months of photos as backlog, all hidden in my external hard drive because I never got myself to edit them and wouldn't share them without a bit of post-processing as that is as much as my process of creation as the act of photographing is.
And I didn't realise it in the beginning, but I'm starting to now. That we all lose that sense of excitement in seeing the photos after I drag them out for too long. And so I want to be more efficient.

Here are some photos from the past few days. They aren't masterpieces, but I guess that's alright for now.

Dinner at Ruth's the night before: her housemates

Ruth on the floor after being attacked

Playing Charades and the opposite team deciding on a word together

Me, acting out for Charades

Yesterday, one of my closest friends participated in her first marathon. I woke up insanely early to go and support her before she ran, and even though my heavy eyes told me to go back to sleep, I made myself get up knowing that had it been me, she would've done the same.

She did really well in the marathon, and we were all so proud of her. I came home after a short while though, and had a nap to compensate for my loss of sleep.

When the race started, Min Fern, Henry, Jacqueline and I decided to go to St. Georges market considering that we were already in the city centre. We wandered around the stalls, peering at some of the little antiquities that were being sold there.

We then took a seat at one of the tables in the middle of the market. Min Fern got up from her seat, telling us that she was going to get something which we'd assumed was some food, only to return with an oreo cupcake she'd seen earlier for Henry. Seeing both their faces light up was priceless; it was the sweetest moment.

This was the moon a night before it was full, from the skylight in my bedroom. The moon could bring up so many representations to mind, but most of the time I just stare at it and marvel at its glow.

the way I feel about places

2013-08-29T20:13:00.001+01:00

doodles in my journal, just to have a photo in this post :)

These days are busy busy busy and it's exhausting but I like it. Maybe I exaggerate a little, it's just that I have task after task to keep me constantly heading forward, one day at a time, and it's definitely better than a slow drag of nothingness.

I can't imagine why anyone would be interested in my daily life anymore, apart from those closest to me, but I felt like blogging and thought that I would. I have a few things to tell you about anyway.

I visited Wenkai in early August. My family made a trip down south despite my dad saying earlier that I wasn't allowed to travel anywhere because I hadn't gotten a job; which I thought was fair enough yet didn't stop me from being completely miserable because of it. I have a thing with places these days. I can't seem to stay in one place for too long because I notice the way the surroundings shape themselves so much more than I used to. Returning is fine, that constant moving is good for me because I get to see things at least slightly differently. And since getting to know him, I've noticed my perception of certain things change as well.

He drove me around his city, and we didn't always past by the places I'd been, but as I stared out the window from the passenger's seat, there were the occasional glimpses of familiarity. I realise that I don't fight against feelings so much anymore. I am more accepting in ways that only I could recognise, but then this came with a sense of lost. Where I once stood on firm ground of knowing where I thought I belonged shifted, and I found myself nowhere.

I guess I'll learn to get use to this constantly arising sense of lost and remind myself that we never eveer stay in one place so it's okay, we're just moving. I'd wanted to write more about my visit, but I guess this post worked out this way and what's relevant has been said so I'll leave this as it is for now. I can't put my whole life here anyway, and the actual experience always has so much more weight than words strung together. But I had a great time. I couldn't not have, it was with him.

x

if i were to ever give advice on love

2013-08-28T18:48:00.000+01:00

Don't you want to be that if they picked you, it'll be the best choice they'd ever made?

In love and in work; anything really. That is why you have to be the best version of yourself first. Stop looking for the perfect one and start being the perfect one yourself.

magazine feature

2013-08-02T04:50:00.001+01:00

I've got more to say, but right now, I thought I would share this. I know it's been a few months, but a few of my instagram photos were featured in Atlas Magazine! I've never been a big fan of phone photography, however I'll admit that it is convenient and I put the love for photography over equipment anyway.

The starred ones are mine. And while you're at it, check out Atlas magazine's issues -they have pretty cool stuff in there!

kisses

2013-07-20T11:06:00.001+01:00

Looking at this photo always makes me really happy in the easiest way possible.

The other night, staring into the mirror at the reflection of my glossed lips, I was reminded of the way you would always steal the lipgloss off my lips. And when I grumbled, you'd just say thank you for saving you the trouble of moisturising them yourself. I still love you ;)

I miss you, love.

charm bracelets

2013-07-20T10:46:00.003+01:00

I've been bored and I've been busy, and I'm pretty sure I prefer busy. The momentum of purpose is so much better than the restlessness of waiting around, waiting for time to pass so that one can arrive in a better one, which essentially is silly because all of this time is a part of our lives too.

But anyway, I've been meeting up and spending time with old friends lately. Sleepovers, choosing charms for a friendship bracelet, visiting our primary school, laughing over silly arguments over supper, then coming home only to have to wake up before eight in the morning to meet-up with another group. Yesterday I got a day's break in which I spent sleepy-eyed on the floor, trying to read but eventually trading in the words for an afternoon nap.

Here are a few photos I took.

Preparing a very late lunch which was only ready at four in the afternoon.

Having Indian supper with primary school friends.