Family Tips

Discovering Beauty

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 18:34:00 +0000

"Mommy, Mommy--come here!"

It would have been easy to refuse. Madly punching numbers into the calculator, I had reached midpoint of tracing the convoluted mess of numbers in our checkbook to find the balance. Stopping now meant losing that train of thought. But, the excitement in her voice drew me to her.

"Look at this sunrise! Do you see the purple? Look at that pink! I love how the color goes from red to pink to orange to blue to purple, don't you? And, look over there! Do you see those clouds?"

On and on she went describing the sky, the clouds, and the unfolding landscape. My little six-year-old used words such as "vivid, subtle, and flowing." Where did she get those? Where did she get this eye for detail? This sense of wonder?

As a home schooling mom--when someone mentions something my children need to learn, I so often first focus on "What curriculum would teach that?" or "What book do I need to get?"

Yet again, my children are teaching me the most valuable lessons. This morning's lesson? Pay attention to your children. To cultivate a sense of wonder, of desire for beauty, of appreciating the treasures God lays at our door--we don't need a curriculum or book. I simply need to take interest when my daughter wants to describe something beautiful.

My interests tells her:

beauty matters--if I had kept to the bills when she wanted to describe the sky, lesson would have been that beauty matters far less than bills. My interest says, "It's worth putting away the bills to gaze upon beauty."

your interests matter--by pulling away to come when she calls, I hope she learned that what matters to her matters to me. I pray that encourages her to follow and explore her interests.

your expressions matter--her blossoming vocabulary gets its chance to shine when I listen. The longer I listened--the more eloquent and detailed she became. When children get to narrate what they see--they take more in. As they describe the details--the details take hold in their minds. This develops a mind for beauty that no book describing the rudiments of beauty can match.

This morning's gaze through the picture window didn't just enlarge my daughter's capacity to appreciate beauty. She enlarged mine as she introduced me to the beauty of the sunrise, the beauty of her unfolding intellect, the beauty of her soul. Beauty can be discovered--if we just take the time.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What do you think?

It's The Little Things

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 23:12:00 +0000

This morning I lost it. Really lost it. I actually threw my brush while letting out an "ARRRRRRRRRG" that I'm sure Princess Kate heard across the pond. Stomping and muttering under my breath while throwing anything in my path out of my way--I caught my reflection in the mirror and realized I was doing a fairly good impression of a 2-year-old's temper tantrum.

The cause? I couldn't find a black sock.

Seriously.

I had fielded questions regarding my husband's disability, covered the atrocities of slavery with our history lesson, returned several phone calls regarding speaking deadlines, and put dinner in the crockpot. The paperwork needed refiling due to a clerical error at the insurance office, the children asked agonizing question of how our country allowed slavery, the speaking took renegotiating, and the chicken going into the crockpot landed first on the floor. All this I took in stride. The black sock put me under.

It's the little things.

Sure, it's the little things that put me under. But God says I have to be faithful in the little things to be trusted with more. Matthew 25:21. He knows the little things offer a mirror of where my heart really resides. I can buck up to handle a big crisis, but when little things come along, I let down my guard.

It's then that I, and everyone else, can see what's really in my heart. A nagging selfishness that want's its way in all things. In the little things I show my desperate need for Jesus to save me from this selfishness that is always ready to rear it's ugly head. How I handle the little things offers ongoing teaching and example for my children--either for the good or the bad. The little things show who I really am.

On seeing my reflection, I took myself in hand and asked Jesus yet again to take away the selfishness in me that expects the universe to orient itself in such a way that I can always find what I want when I want it. I asked Him to fill the part of my heart that can't deal with lost socks. I asked Him to be my Savior yet again.

It's the little things that keep bringing me to the foot of the cross and recognizing my need for Him in every part of my life. Thank God for the little things.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What do you think?

Best Christmas Gifts for Children--Part 3: Their Savior Has a Name

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 14:34:00 +0000

Do lines in songs ever grab you? Out of all the noise, something breaks through and you can't stop thinking about it? Last week, one grabbed me.

A new Christmas song retelling the story of Jesus' birth was playing and the chorus had one line that stuck in my head and focused my thoughts, "Our salvation has a name."

Think about that.

In an incredibly insecure world, people long for security--something in which they can trust. Some trust in money--putting all their energy into building personal wealth to protect them against life's storms. Some put their trust in power--continually expanding their reach hoping this means nothing can reach them. Some trust popularity, some relationships, some luck. The common thread? None of these has a name.

They are nameless, impersonal forces that can have no conception of the people who trust them, no intentions toward them, and no interaction with them. The force simply moves through lives with people hoping against hope they gain the good side as the force moves through.

God never wants us to think of Him as an impersonal force. He is a person. He has feelings, desires, disappointments, hopes, dreams, and plans. He wanted us to know all this--so He came to personally to talk to us, relate with us, and live and die for us.

Coming in all His God-ness would have overwhelmed and made it difficult for us to get beyond the force of Him to see the person of Him. So He came as a baby--a form easily embraced, easily trusted, easily welcomed.

And He was given a name--Jesus.

Our children don't have to find their security in some nameless, faceless force that may or may not care for them. Their salvation has a name.

Want to make your children's Christmas perfect? Introduce them to their salvation. His name is Jesus.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What do you think?

Best Christmas Gifts for Children--Part 2: Lose the List

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 22:55:00 +0000

Tis the season for . . . . .lists. Grocery lists, decorating lists, Christmas gift lists. The list of lists grows endless. Do you have a list? Important question--is your list your tool or your master?

Lists make great tools. They keep us organized. They focus our thoughts. They save us from making seven trips instead of one. Even Santa needs a list this time of year to keep straight all he does.

Lists make terrible masters. I recently heard a mom recount her weekend lived by the list. Grandma was in town for a holiday visit, so Mom made a list of all the special Christmas activities she would pack into the weekend to share with Grandma. Early Saturday morning she prepared a special breakfast to get everyone started on a warm tummy before they headed out the door for a day of activity.

One hitch. Little son sits down to the table and murmurs, "Mommy, I don't feel good." Not feeling good was not on the list, so Mom lets him off the hook of cleaning his plate but pushes him to get dressed for a day of fun.

First stop--touring park filled with scenes of Christmas lights. He meanders his way through the park, finally taking little sister's place in the stroller because he just couldn't keep walking.

Intrepid Mom purchases a can of 7-Up and moves on to the next item on the list. Little guy bucks up to participate as best he can.

Mid-afternoon finds them at stop 5 of the list--Arthur Christmas. "This is going to be great!" Mom thinks. Little guy can rest and enjoy a movie. She buys special treats for all and heads into the theater.

"Mom, I REALLY don't feel good." As she turns to encourage him to keep going one more time, she notices the tell-tale green tinge. Before she can off-load treats onto Grandma and grab son, he off-loads breakfast all over theater entrance.

Lists make terrible masters.

Message--we make lists because we want to take care of our family. We want to remember all the details of each special present or activity for each member of our family so we can get everything just right. Great sentiment! Use the list to keep this going.

At the same time, don't get so lost in the list you lose the focus--caring for your family. Key to caring is listening, focusing, adjusting. When the list calls for a movie but the child needs to cuddle on a warm couch--cuddle.

The best gift you can give your family--at Christmas and the rest of the year--is your attention and focus. When lists help you do this, use them. When they get in the way, lose the list.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What are the ways you treasure your days with your children?

Best Christmas Gifts for Children--Part 1: Include Their Love Language

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Mon, 28 Nov 2011 22:04:00 +0000

We all want to make Christmas special for our children. How can we know we’ve done it? Though children’s wishes are as varied as the children, focus on a few keys and we can ensure a special holiday. Step 1—include their love language.

If you haven’t heard of or read The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, give yourself an early present and snag this book. It will change your relationships.

In short, the book outlines the five ways love is communicated: gifts, words of affirmation, acts of service, physical touch, and time. Though we all generally like all of these—we each receive love primarily through one. We may feel loved when others tell us we’re special--words of affirmation. If our family members focus on hugs, our love tank runs dry.

It’s like someone shouting, “Te amo!!!!!!!!” at the top of their lungs. If we don’t speak Spanish, we don’t know they are saying , “I love you.” Knowing and speaking your love in your child’s/spouse’s love language ensures your message gets to them.

At Christmas we focus on saying, “I love you,” often through gifts. Remember the love-language component to ensure the gifts you choose communicate your love in all the ways you intend.

· G Gifts. A gifts person attaches great significance to tangible expression of love. They feel loved when you take the time to find the toy, card, or collectible that demonstrates you know their true personality. For those whose primary love language is gifts—Christmas is a bonanza. Surrounded by tangible expressions of others’ love, this may truly be the most wonderful time of the year.

Caveat—The stakes are much higher for parents of gifts children. A thoughtless gift doesn’t just disappoint, it communicates disregard for the person.

Christmas preparation—intently listen to this child’s preferences. Watch what makes her eyes light up. Gifts people aren’t greedier than others; they simply attach great significance to tangible expressions of love. Sometime the simplest gifts are the most significant. A gift’s significance comes from the direct connection to the interests, traits, foci of the recipient. Here is the child for whom you NEVER buy a substitute. If they ask for the blue Radio Flyer bike—get the blue Radio Flyer bike or nothing. Don’t substitute the cheap, red Wal-Mart knock-off.

· W Words of affirmation. This person thrives when others specifically affirm their core traits either verbally or through cards and letters. When you take the time to mention, “You handled that argument with your sister really well” or to say “I love the way your mind works” you communicate an interest in and attention to the person that affirms the very essence of the person.

Caveat—Because words carry heightened meaning—they either affirm or negate the significance of this child. Beware of the stress of the season leading to outbursts on your part, or you could ruin the season for them.

Christmas preparation— get this child a tangible something from their list but also give a gift of words. Include a letter from you saying what you have valued in them over the past year in their stocking. Leave a card for each of the twelve days of Christmas on their pillow noting a trait you especially appreciate. No matter what else you get, they will know you love them

Acts of service. These children experience love through the acts others do for them. This can be tricky for parents who try to teach responsibility through assigning most self-care as chores. While these children do need to learn these tasks, they also need their love tank filled by an occasional act by you.

Caveat—Christmas can put even more strain on these children as you ask more and more of them and have even less time to do for them. No matter your intention, they can get to the end of the season feeling ignored and unloved.

Christmas preparation—the perfect gift for this child is the “coupon book.” Along with other gifts, create a book of coupons offering a variety of actions you will do for them on presentation of the coupon. Whether you make their school lunch, clean out their car, or put away their toys—each act communicates the love you feel in a way he can receive.

· P Physical touch. This child thrives on back rubs, frequent hugs, and sitting in your lap. While children are young, their love tanks are usually brimming because we are always holding, carrying, or hugging them. As children get older, a natural and appropriate distance develops as we pull back a little to respect boundaries. But, pull back too much or treat their growing independence as a signal to stop the physical affection, and their tanks run dry.

Christmas preparation—another great use of the coupon book—make ten coupons for backrubs and leave in child’s stocking. Make an effort to hug several times each day. As you pass them, ruffle their hair or give a squeeze. Develop this a habit, and you fill their tank even before Christmas comes.

· T Time. This child thrives on one-on-one time with you. Going for a walk, playing a game, or eating out together all become investments of time and attention that speak your love. The activity doesn’t matter; the time focusing exclusively on them does.

Caveat—though the busyness of the season can impair relationships with any child, the busyness impacts this child most deeply. As you plan your trips to the mall, gatherings with friends, and holiday outings—don’t let one-on-one time with this child get lost.

Christmas preparation—You can give the gift of establishing a weekly date to spend time with your child. Whether you go out for a soda, take a weekly walk in the park, or do an activity of her choosing each week; you invest the time that speaks your love.

We want our children to have a great Christmas. When you include their love language in your holiday preparation, you communicate your love. Isn’t that the point? As you make clear how much you love your children, you open their eyes to the real Christmas miracle—the coming of Jesus to communicate how much God loves them, too.

To make a healthy home—remember the love language.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do you focus on your children this season?

Can My Child Match Oceanus Hopkins?

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Mon, 14 Nov 2011 15:34:00 +0000

Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship headed for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32^nd child to join the 102 travelers seeking a new life in Virginia. When a storm blew the ship far north to uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts, few anticipated the trials they would face. Forty-seven would die in the "Starving Time" of the first year.

Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Because children had a higher survival rate than the adults, they added longevity to the colony. Before traveling to the new world, the children worked a variety of difficult jobs making them hardy, hard-working, and able to significantly contribute to the daily needs of the colony. On arrival they gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure. His name was added to the list of children who joined with the adults to face the trials of the new world head-on and create a new life.

As we pause this Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful that I live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm house which ably protects them from the elements. Their stomachs will be filled with nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and treat them.

Pilgrim parents couldn’t offer their children any of this. Rudimentary shelters, hastily built in the raw November days, offered meager sanctuary from the cold. Scanty portions of food barely took the edge off continual hunger plaguing the colony that first, bitter winter. When their children grew ill, parents could only pray for their child to beat the odds of a nearly inevitable death. I feel so fortunate compared to the Pilgrim parents. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”

Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. With the rush of ever-changing technology, financial upheaval, and the focus on global interdependence and connection; families are forging a new life in uncharted territory. The Pilgrims prepared their children to take a significant role as allies in their struggle and to work with them to build a better life. Have we taught our children to actively contribute to building a good life in the midst of the unknown? Are they:

· Strong enough to face hardship?

· Skilled enough to overcome it?

This Thanksgiving as you dish up the mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie, take time to build a family vision for the coming year. A few questions can help:

What is our family mission: What do we want to stand for as a family? What do we want to accomplish in the coming year?
What resources do we have to fulfill this mission—what tools, what connections, what gifts/skills does each member have to contribute?
What challenges will we have to overcome?
What will be the blessing of succeeding? What will we lose if we fail?

In our intense gratitude for all the blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Instead of shielding our children, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. Oceanus and the other Pilgrim children worked alongside their parents to lay the foundation of our nation. This Thanksgiving offers our families the opportunity to explore how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and to build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below the title to discuss this month's topic. Email recipients, we'd love your feedback. Click the title, then the comments button below the title on the web page to add your insights.

This month’s topic: What are your thoughts?

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 21:03:00 +0000

Rule 3 for Discipline—Teach Self-Control

In the last post, we met Billy, who openly defied his mom’s instruction to put the cookie back in the jar. What does it take to place a warm, sweet-smelling, chocolaty cookie in a jar rather than a mouth? Self-control. Lots of it. A little boy will not, cannot, put the cookie back unless he’s been taught how to deny himself and do what he’s told.

To teach obedience—teach self-control. In so doing you make obedience the habit of your home—your child’s natural response to your loving instruction.

How do we do it? Never allow your child to disobey a direct order or a standing rule.

You can stop laughing now.

As the mom of eight strong-willed children, I get how hard this is. Yet, to normalize obedience, we need this standard.

Every interaction we have with our children normalizes something. We normalize healthy communication or yelling. We normalize encouragement or discouragement. As we give commands—we will either allow our child to disobey or require them to obey. If we consistently choose to require our child to do what we asked when we asked, we teach our child to control themselves to follow instructions. In this, we normalize obedience.

Billy’s mom told him he couldn’t have the cookie he snagged before lunch and to put it back in the jar. Instead, Billy shoved it into his mouth. No self-control. How do we get a different outcome?

Begin young. As soon as your child can understand your words, require her to follow direct commands. If you call your toddler to come for a diaper change, require her to come to you. You can tease, play, repeat the instruction, or whatever system works with your child—but she must come to you. If she runs the other direction or ignores you, go get her by the hand and walk her back to where you began and change her diaper saying, "You must come to me when I call." UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES should you take the diaper and go to her—that normalizes disobedience. Normalize obedience—require your direct instructions be followed. Every time.

Use breaks. Once children get beyond the toddler stage, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller of National Center for Biblical Parenting offer a strategy that takes requiring obedience a step further. If child doesn’t immediately comply with a direct order, or complies but with a lousy attitude, give them a break.

In the cookie scenario, Mom would say, “Billy, you just ate a cookie after I told you not to. I want you to go to the next room and take a break. When you are ready to listen to me, you can come back.”

This isn’t normal time-out. In time-out parent sends child to a corner or their room for a set time and then calls him back. The child passively waits for parent to say when they are free. Because parent remains in control of the length of the time-out, child has little incentive to contemplate his conduct or how to fix it.

With a break, Billy is in the break until he is ready to cooperate with parent. This gives incentive to the child to get himself under control and ready to obey. It allows him the time for a breather if angry, time to contemplate his attitude if sorry, and time to mentally catch up to all his disobedience may cost. Once he’s ready to deal with the situation, he returns.

Then you repeat the situation giving child the opportunity to obey. Odd as it may seem, you say something along the lines of, “Billy, I want you to take a cookie out of the cookie jar. I’m going to give you another chance to obey.” When he takes the cookie out, tell him to put the cookie back until after lunch. When he returns the cookie, he experiences forcing himself to comply with your direct order which normalizes obedience. Then, release him—say something like, “Thank you, Billy. Go play, and I’ll call you when lunch is ready.”

If Billy seems genuinely repentant, this is unusual conduct, or you’re just beginning to use the break—the break can be the sole consequence. He still gets his after-lunch cookie. If defiance is more entrenched, you may add a punishment on top of the break such as, “I’m sorry Billy—if you had listened and put the cookie back the first time, you could have had two after lunch. But, your disobedience means you won’t have another.”

Whether you tell your children to pick up their toys, begin their homework, or bring you the telephone—require your child to do what you said within the time-frame you set. When you consistently require obedience—you teach self-control, the foundation of all the rest of the parenting work you will do. The foundation of engaging life as a mature, healthy adult.

To create a healthy home—teach your children self-control.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below the title to discuss this month's topic. Email recipients can click the title which will bring you to the Family Tips page to leave your comment.

Rule 2 for Discipline--Require Your Children to Follow Your Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 20:58:00 +0000

“Billy, put the cookie back—it’s not lunchtime yet.” Billy leans over the package on the counter and shoves the cookie into his mouth as he pretends to return it. “Billy!” scolds mom, “You shouldn’t do that. I’ll deal with you after I’m finished talking to Mary—now go play.”

Despite her best intentions, Billy’s mom has normalized disobedience.

Children think based on what’s in their hearts. Thoughts become actions. Actions become habits. Habits shape character. Character determines destiny.

When a son consciously disobeys a direct order to put the cookie away, he reveals a heart focused on getting his own way rather than listening to his parents. From this heart attitude, he thinks, “I wonder if I can get away with eating the cookie?” so he pops it into his mouth. Now comes the test.

If mom or dad stops what they are doing to engage Billy regarding his behavior, he learns to think, “I’d better do what mom and dad say to do.”

When mom or dad fails to correct his action, he learns he can do what he wants without consequence. Step one of a bad habit is put into place—disobey if you don’t like the direction.

The more parents give in—the more ingrained the habit becomes. It grows into a character of demanding one’s own way and ignoring any direction which interferes with getting what he wants. Such characters have a hard time keeping jobs, building marriages, sacrificing for children, or bowing their hearts to the Lordship of Christ. With a heart completely focused on self—there’s not room for anyone else.

Parents can’t change their child’s hearts—but we can shape them. If we lovingly but firmly require our child to follow our rules, those actions become a habit of obedience to loving authority, the natural response to our direction. That habit shapes a character of one who will do what he’s supposed to do—even when he doesn’t like it. Such characters not only become model employees, build healthy marriages, and sacrifice for the good of their children—they are enabled to enter a relationship with Christ. The habit of obedience trains their heart to focus on others.

If there’s a rule you aren’t willing to put the energy into enforcing, don’t make it a rule. For the rules you keep—require require your child to follow them. Healthy families focus on building character—and character is shaped by each action of your child.

Coming next—So how do I require obedience as a natural response to my direction?

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What do you think?

Rule 1 for Discipline--Obey Your Own Rules

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Mon, 29 Aug 2011 22:41:00 +0000

Ragged breaths. . .burning legs. . .parched throat. As I glided up the driveway after a long ride, I headed toward the front door to grab a large glass of water. Then, I turned.

Instead of the front door, my first stop was the barn--where we park our bikes. Though the water called, I could envision the scolding I would give my son if I had come out of the front door and found my his bike lying by the porch. In our house the “I’m just going to leave this here and put it away later” approach usually leads to lost objects and hours of frustrated search. So, we created the firm rule: when an object’s in your hand, put it where it goes—mom and her bike included.

Rule one of discipline—parents shouldn’t make a rule they don’t follow. Why?

Hypocrisy kills discipline. When parents make a rule seem irrelevant by ignoring it, children will be hard pressed to push themselves to comply.

Further, when parents must comply, we tend to have fewer rules. We also tend to show more grace with occasional lapses as we personally experience the difficulty of restraining our desires in order to obey.

Finally, our compliance offers a concrete example to our children of what obedience to the rule looks like—invaluable.

Though my parched throat begged for relief, the three minutes it took to put my bike away first reinforced the rule, “when something’s in your hand, put it where it goes.” More importantly, I’ll be able to find my bike for our next outing.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below the title to discuss this month's topic. Email recipients can click the title to get to the web page to leave your comment--or simply Like this post on the Facebook link below.

This month’s topic: Do you follow your own rules? Why or why not?

Duty v. Delight

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Thu, 11 Aug 2011 14:18:00 +0000

“[God] will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah. 3:17. What a picture of how God relates to His children—with delight, joy, and singing!

Does this portray your relationship with your children?

Because of busyness, ignorance, or poor examples, often parents fail to come to parenting from a starting point of delight. Rather, we often begin with a sense of duty. “I have a duty to feed my children breakfast. A duty to help with their school work. A duty to teach about God.”

While duty may get the job done—it hardly inspires a loving relationship. Duty orients us to think of everything we do for our children as a "have to." Duty drains our energy and limits our focus to getting through the task. Duty kills joy.

Further, parenting from duty shapes our children to expect that others will care for them only because of an obligation. Children raised in this atmosphere struggle mightily to believe that anyone can abundantly love them--even God. They miss both His delight in them and the joy of relating to Him.

Instead, they picture God acting solely out of some holy responsibility He must fulfill to remain righteous. Because they sense only duty—God’s grace, mercy and offer of relationship are received cautiously, begrudgingly, and in as limited quantities as possible to gain heaven and get through life. No one wants to be the object of duty.

What a difference delight makes. If we delight to fill our children's tummies with a warm start to the day, delight to create opportunities for them to learn so they can grow into the people God made them to be, delight in sharing the treasures of God’s love—our children experience the reality of our delight in them. This shapes them to receive God’s delight. Everyone wants to be the object of delight.

When we sense delight—grace, mercy, and relationship are received openly with a continual desire for more. The more we receive the more we want. As you parent from a framework of delight in who your children are and who they are becoming—they want more of you. As they grow in understanding of this relationship and the joy it brings, they take these expectations into their relationship with God. They are shaped to believe and accept God’s delight. What better gift can we give our children?

To create a healthy home—begin with delight in your children.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below the title to discuss this month's topic. Email recipients can click the title to get to the web page, then click on comments below the title.

This month’s topic: What are your sources of delight in your children?

The Flowers Are Gonna Die

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 30 Jul 2011 00:13:00 +0000

When I ask how people are, the most common response I get? “So very busy.”

What is the impact of busyness? When multiple tasks compete for the same moment, we must choose. Some say these choices reveal our true priorities. If we can do only one thing, we gravitate toward the most important. Do we?

As I sat in my front porch rocker beginning my time with the Lord, I noticed my plants. They needed water—desperately. As I rose to get the water can, a voice spoke, “Are you going to put me off again?”

Already I had delayed getting alone with God in order to empty the dishwasher, fold laundry, and ensure the coffee was brewing. Was I going to delay Him longer? Was it truly more important to water plants than talk with God? Than to be filled for the day with His love and presence? Than to ask Him what I was to do with the day He had given? I knew that if I interrupted my time with God for one more task, the day’s demands would escalate and I would never return to that rocker.

So often we attend to the immediate rather than the important. Sometimes we have no choice. The immediate must happen—or nothing happens. If the gas tank is dry, the children hungry, or the bill due—we must attend to those immediate concerns in order for the rest of life to keep going. Yet, our lives are ultimately defined by our actions. Where we put our energy and time becomes our legacy. If our actions attend solely to the immediate, we create a legacy we live to regret.

I recently spoke with a man about his impending retirement. He looked forward to finally settling down to being a dad. Given that his children were 39 and 36 respectively, he worried that he might be too late. He knew the important had slipped by while he was attending to the immediate.

The answer? Have a clear vision of what is important—then plan for it. If spending time teaching your children about the truths of God is important, plan specific times in your day to teach your children.

If building intimacy with your spouse is important, set aside time to be alone together. Think about what you want your spouse to know and plan for moments to share those thoughts. Plan fun dates.

If staying close to a friend is important—reserve lunches, write letters, make time for phone calls.

These never seem immediate. They are easily pushed to the backburner thinking, “I’ll get to that later.” Because they are so important, we are sure we will. Yet, so often we don’t. The immediate just keeps coming—stealing moment after moment until we fall into bed resolving to do better tomorrow.

This morning I sat back in my rocker to continue my already too often interrupted time with God. If I had to choose, the flowers were going to die. The immediate would not rob the important again.

Fortunately, I was able to do both. In my time with God, He led me to set a priority of chatting with my daughter. I asked her to come onto the porch with me, and she noticed the plants. She loves watering so we spent the next half hour happily chatting and watering together. Choose the important. Once in place, you’ll find a way to get to the immediate, too. Even the flowers will survive.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do keep the immediate from robbing the important?

Use This

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 13:22:00 +0000

My stomach clenched as the psychologist continued, "Oh, and you'll need to prepare for your husband cussing more. That just happens with stroke patients."

What?! After waiting for over a month for Mike to utter words--now I have to worry about censoring him in front of the children? I have to continue nurturing and responding to a man whose words may tear down rather than communicate? After all this work, why would this be what comes out?

Yet, I have to admit how often those same words come to my mind. When the loaded laundry basket crashes from the shelf onto my head, when the milk jug splatters to the floor, when the grocery line stalls. What if the part of my brain that stops me from uttering these out loud quit working and people really knew what was going through my head? "God, I don't want a condition that makes me less like You?"

As clear as a bell I heard God's voice saying, "Right now, are you becoming more like Me--or less?"

It hit me. Every situation, even how I respond to Mike's stroke, offers the chance for me to grow more like God or less like God. I'm so tempted to think about what's happening to me, how I feel, and how to get others to give me what I want. Jesus focused on what was happening to others, how they felt, and how He could get them what they need.

Do I see this situation as a chance to grow more like Jesus? Do I focus on the other people at rehab? Do I ensure I listen to all my children are going through? Do I continue to lovingly relate to Mike even though he can't relate back--just as Jesus continues to lovingly relate to me even when I can't relate back?

Every situation--every fight with our spouse, every disobedience by our children, every challenge in our finances offers the opportunity for us to say, "How can I walk through this growing more like Jesus?"

I'm learning it's not about God sending the right situations for me to grow--it's about using each situation rightly. Lord, let me use this to grow to be like You.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What challenges are you facing that work to help you grow to be like Christ? How can you minister to your family in this new way?

Tester vs. Teacher

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 22 Jul 2011 12:21:00 +0000

No more series!! That decision follows the third time I've tried and found that each time, some family crisis keeps me from going forward.

Instead, I'm simply going to offer insights as they come to me in the area of family. That usually means sharing my most recent goof in mothering or wifing and how God brought me through it so that you can avoid my mistakes--or at least find a way out if you are already there.

Today's insight--Tester vs. Teacher. My husband's stroke has offered amazing insights into how people work. One of the most telling--there are testers and there are teachers. Two of his therapists clearly demonstrate this dichotomy.

One therapist begins every session pulling out books, putting Mike through his paces, then detailing every instance where he got the answer wrong. Shes uses this to explain what that means about what he can't do and where he will struggle. Though enlightening, he leaves each session his shoulders slumped, his walk slower, his mood down. She discourages and breeds fear and a sense of failure.

The other therapist pulls out her books, puts Mike through his paces, then details every instance where he succeeded. She then builds on areas of success to increase his abilities in weaker areas. She shows him how one success leads to another. He leaves sessions with her standing a little taller, walking a little quicker, enthusiastic about trying again. She encourages and breeds security and a sense of hope.

"I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go." Psalm 32:8. God is a teacher. He encourages, nurtures, builds from where we are to where we need to go. In our families, if we are to model God--refuse to be a tester. Sure assessments are helpful and sometimes a gut check is needed. But, the atmosphere of our homes should be that of teaching. In this we build our families, encourage them, and offer hope that they can reach those seemingly impossible calls to which we aspire.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below the title to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: Are you a tester or a teacher? How do you breed encouragement and hope in your family?

Journey of Parenting--Preschoolers

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 19:18:00 +0000

Horrifying pictures of recent floods vividly remind us of the catastrophic power of unrestrained water. Yet, all ancient civilizations began along rivers. Flowing water, restrained to its banks, brings productivity, energy, and vitality. Only with such a foundation could civilizations form. Great power unrestrained wreaks havoc; channeled it exudes life.

“Do it myself”—the preschooler mantra as three to five year olds increasingly seek to operate independently from parents. Unlike during their more fumbling toddler stage, the honed fine-motor skills of the preschool stage allow children to take charge. They manipulate words, toys, and playmates to bring life to their imagination. While full of promise this drive, unrestrained, can lead to willful, self-absorbed children who wreak havoc both for themselves and those around them. How do we channel this emerging force which has the potential for such good toward productivity and service to others?

Goal—Provide a spiritual framework to channel their imaginations and activities. Just as rivers need banks to protect against destructiveness and to increase productivity, your preschooler needs the restraining boundaries of guiding principles to protect against an overflow into destructiveness and instead to channel their emerging abilities into positive outlets.

How—

• Lay the foundation. You likely have been singing Bible songs and reading stories from your children’s bible since your toddler first began sitting on your lap. If you haven’t, now is a great time to start. With these you introduce what the Bible says to various situations. Preschoolers love and remember story. Likewise songs. Spend time each day singing, reading, or telling the great stories of the Bible so your preschooler comes to know them by heart.

• Apply the principles. When your toddler initiates a game with a playmate, converses with you, or conceives a building project and runs into an obstacle, frame his options within biblical principles. If son and playmate fight over a toy, take son aside and remind him, “God wants us to do to others what we want them to do to us. Do you want Joey to grab the truck out of your hand?” When he says no, ask, “What would you want him to do?” If son says he wants Joey to ask for or share the truck—offer, “Well, that’s what you should do.”

If a collapsing tower has your preschooler throwing more blocks than stacking, offer—“Honey, the bible says that a man without self-control is like a city without walls—you leave yourself open to being hurt. What if one of these blocks bounces and hits you? Or, you break the one that you need most? Or, I decide to take the blocks away because you are a danger to your little sister? Won’t that harm you? You want your building to stand. Throwing blocks doesn’t make your building stand. Let’s work together on how to make your building stand.” In this you teach both that temper tantrums aren’t acceptable and that you are a resource to whom your child can turn when overwhelmed—two great life habits.

Frustration, anger, bossiness, and selfishness all naturally flow from our preschooler as they initiate. When we offer biblical boundaries for how to implement their initiative, they learn to initiate in Godly ways.

Don’t know these scriptures? Get a copy of Parenting with Scripture by Kara Durbin. One of the best resources for parents, this book compiles scriptures by topic on subjects such as choices, jealousy, friendship, laziness, sharing, and so much more. Just turn to the heart motive your child exhibits, and you’ll find six to seven scriptures, discussion points, and an activity to bring the lesson home. Choose the most applicable passage and use it to guide your preschooler toward Godliness.

• Equip their imagination. Invest in imagination-boosting toys such as blocks, kitchen supplies, dolls, stuffed animals, cars, action figures, etc. Stock quantities of scratch paper, construction paper, glue sticks, crayons, paints, brushes, sponges, and play dough. If your child is a loner, give her time each day to bring life to her ideas. If she’s more a group player, set aside time each day to play with her. Be sure to play a supporting role; allow her to initiate and drive the time. When you do, you provide the equipment and incentive for her ideas to come to life.

• Affirm their endeavors. Listen to his ideas. Revel in her stories. Applaud tall towers. Encourage your preschooler’s efforts to work with siblings and playmates. You are the center of your preschooler’s world. As you offer affirmation, you encourage your preschooler to channel his energy in productive ways rather them tempting him to give in to his desire to have his own way—no matter the consequence.

“Do it myself!” every preschooler’s heart cry. As you set boundaries to your preschooler’s imagination and actions, you channel her energy and drive into habits which will serve her and others for a lifetime.

Coming next: Journey of Parenting--the Early Elementary Years

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: What have you learned during the preschool stage?

Children, Chores, and Chaos

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 01:34:00 +0000

“How do I get my children to do their chores?” One of the most common questions I receive. Honest answer—I struggle mightily with this issue in our home. We’ve done chore charts. We’ve purchased packaged systems training children to do chores. We’ve instituted schedules. After an enthusiastic start and much hoopla, three weeks in—I tour the house to find unmade beds, dishes stacked in the sink, and dust bunnies grabbing my toes from under furniture.

I can’t really blame the children. I’m not great at putting stickers on charts, following every instruction of a complicated system, or reminding of the schedule. I don’t want to have to remind—that’s why I have a schedule. Yet, I also have to acknowledge that if the Marine Corp—those top military men and women charged with defending the order of the world—need regular inspections to keep their barracks clean, my children probably need more from me than a chart or a schedule.

What works? For us—chore hour. We set one hour a day as chore hour. From 4:00 – 5:00 everyone gathers for their assignment and works until the list is done.

Benefits:

• Group effort reduces complaining. Because the time is set and everyone’s involved, children complain a lot less. They expect to do chores at 4:00. It becomes part of the flow of the day rather than an interruption of their activities.

• Natural camaraderie. Children generally don’t like working alone. They don’t want to go off by themselves to clean the toy room or make their bed. When everyone is doing chores, we team up to tackle the toy covered floor or washing the dishes. Working together makes the job go faster as we connect with each other while working. Also, I can teach how to do the job as we go. Children don’t feel overwhelmed by a task they don’t know how to begin—they become empowered as they work alongside and learn from me.

If we must divide and conquer, we create teams. The first team to finish their task gets to pick dessert. This not only offers incentive for older children to help younger siblings learn chores, it builds team spirit in the family as we learn to work well together.

Important note—Mom and Dad need to be part of the mix. Just having a chore time for the kids may work to get chores done, but resentment often remains. The camaraderie comes as mom and dad work alongside the kids. If parents actively engage—resentment goes out the window and cooperation and team spirit take over.

• Less stress/interruptions throughout the day. If I walk through the house at lunch and see mess after mess, I don’t spend the day griping at my children to “please come get this cleaned up.” I can simply wait for the chore hour, then point out what must be accomplished. I can relax knowing it will be done. The children can focus on their priorities throughout the day without being interrupted every time I find a job.

• The chores get done. With a little planning (Monday-focus on floors and laundry, Tuesday—focus on bathrooms, etc.), I can make great use of our chore hour to keep the house running smoothly. With everyone pitching in together, the work takes less time. More importantly, everyone has a stake in keeping the house looking good the rest of the time—meaning fewer overall chores for everyone.

Too often chores, or the failure to do chores, pit parents against children in an ongoing battle. We become “enemies” as we fight over why chores aren’t done. A team approach means we work together to conquer the task instead of working to conquer each other. Not only are beds made, dishes washed, and dust bunnies tamed—we avoid battles; we build bonds and enjoy peace.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic. This month’s topic: What works in your house?

Roadmap for the Journey of Parenting--Toddlers

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Wed, 16 Mar 2011 21:30:00 +0000

During the first twelve to eighteen months of our baby’s lives, we establish bonds and build a foundation of trust with our infant. We provide moment-by-moment nurture that speaks security and connection. Then, come the toddler years.

During the toddler years—eighteen months to thirty-six months—the goal expands. While we still continue to affirm our toddler’s trust in us, we shift the focus to teaching toddlers to obey our authority and begin to develop self-control. In working toward this goal, we face one of the strongest forces in nature—the will of a toddler. How do we make it work?

We never allow our child to disobey a direct order or, as they get older, a standing rule.

OK—you can stop laughing. Yes, this is a tall order. Yet, this is the call. Toddlers are all about control. Our toddlers learn to control their hands to play with toys, dress, and feed themselves. They learn to control their voices to verbalize sentences and make requests known. They learn to control their bodies to run, skip, and use the bathroom.

Take advantage of this desire for control to teach your child to control his behavior in response to your instruction. Never again will you have so much time with your child. Never again so little influence from outside sources. Never again a developmental stage so oriented to obedience as now. Though never easy, it will never be easier to teach your child to obey than now.

You do this by making a habit of obedience to your direct instruction. If you say, “Jason, come to Mommy for a diaper change,” Jason needs to come. If he fails to come, you can make a game of it, you can repeat your instruction, or you can go get his hand and bring him to where you were.

What you must NEVER do is go to him and change the diaper where he was. That normalizes disobedience. Normalize obedience by requiring him to follow your instruction—every time.

A lazy parent routinely allows disobedience and then wonders why life with toddler is so hard. Recently, I watched a mother in the waiting room tell her toddler not to eat the cracker he just dropped on the floor. When he popped it into his mouth, she simply laughed and said it was probably OK. When she told him to put his book away and he threw it, she put it into the basket. When she told him to sit down, he ran around the room. At no time did she actually have him do what she asked. There was little surprise when he ran into the parking lot after she instructed him to stay by her side. It was more surprising when she exclaimed, “I work with him all the time—why does he disobey?”

If we don’t normalize obedience—we normalize disobedience. In disobedience we not only breed tumult in our homes (constantly butting heads with our toddler), we endanger our toddler who doesn’t know how to listen when the stakes are high.

Tips:

• Keep instructions few. Don’t give a direct instruction you don’t intend to enforce. If you are simply going to let the child eat the cracker off the floor, don’t tell him not to eat it. Choose your battles, but go the full mile on the instructions you choose to give.

• Use code words. We negotiate with our children. We may tell our daughter to wear an outfit and, upon her cry that it is too scratchy, allow her to make a different choice. While important to do, this can make life confusing for children who may not know when they must obey and when something is open to negotiation. If you have code words, you help both parties. Something along the lines of “I need you to obey, take that cracker out of your mouth” cues everyone that this is an obedience situation and child needs to obey or face a consequence.

• Impose consistent consequences. Give simple commands, then require your child to do what you say. If you say to come, child must come. If he doesn’t, take his hand and bring him to you. If you say to put the book in the tub and she doesn’t, put your hand over hers to pick up the book and take it to the tub. If you say don't eat the cracker and the cracker goes into the mouth, take it out of his mouth.

• Affirm, affirm, affirm. Your toddler demonstrates the huge importance she places in pleasing you when she sets aside her will to follow yours. Recognize this effort with generous praise, hugs, high fives, and occasional special treats.

Obedience—the goal of toddlerhood. Toddlerhood lasts so long because this is a tough skill and will take time. Yet, as you focus on teaching your child to obey, you give the skill of self-control that will enable him to take on and succeed in life’s challenges. Further, you create a habit of listening to your instruction that will enable you to guide your child through the complex issues you will face in coming stages. Finally, relating to a child who listens is a delight. You bring peace to your home as your child learns to respond to others and create healthy relationships.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do you teach your toddler to obey?

Journey of Parenting--Infants

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 00:47:00 +0000

A new year—a new start. Something about the turning of the calendar brings hope. Hope for a better life, a better experience, a better way. Would you like a new start with your family? To get the most out of this new start, follow a plan.

How about a parenting plan that offers a vision of what to expect at each stage—a compass that gives direction and focus for your parenting? With goals for each stage of parenting in mind, you can build an approach to parenting that works for your family taking advantage of the hope of the new year for the energy to get started.

If you have an infant—
• Goal—create security. Completely vulnerable, infants helplessly depend on you to provide their every need. Children can only grow, learn, reach out to others if they possess a basic sense of security and trust that enables taking necessary risks. God designed infancy so that as you care for your baby, he learns the world—most especially you—can be trusted. This essential foundation for the rest of his life is laid, or lost, in the first twelve months making this stage absolutely critical to all the rest you will do in parenting. Take this next year to firmly establish security in your infant; he will live the rest of his life reaching outward in confidence trusting you, trusting the world, trusting he can accomplish all that is within him.

• How. Fortunately, God designed this stage with you in mind. He knew you would be new at parenting, so the early stages were designed to be very easy—take care of your infant. Every time you feed your child’s hunger, change his wet diaper, comfort his cries—he learns the world can be trusted to care for his needs. Though the early parenting can seem a little mundane, it is critically important. The very routine-ness of creates security in predictability.

So, that 2:00 a.m. feeding, that incredibly gross diaper, that night spent walking the floor trying to calm cries—those efforts are so much more than simply wiping spit-up or disposing of waste. They are the moments that bind your baby to you in trust. You become the white knight that takes away the bad and offers good. Every caring act becomes a deposit in his bank of trust. Deposit enough and you shape his subconscious to expect you to know best.

Though this won’t magically remove every conflict or battle of wills, it will indelibly shape his frame of reference toward believing in you and in the life you offer. Nothing else matters so much in all the parenting you will do.

If you spend the next 12 months simply caring for each need of your infant with gentleness, patience, and consistency—you lay a foundation of parenthood that reaps benefits for all the years to come.

Coming next--If you have a toddler--

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do you nurture your infant?

Providing a Good Christmas

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 04 Dec 2010 16:15:00 +0000

Mom, do you remember the moment? That moment when your pregnant body refused to take another stair, to bend to pick up another sock, to even move out of the rocker. Can you imagine climbing on a donkey every day for a week to travel over rocks, up hills, through water to a distant town? Can you envision the fear of labor pains starting on the night you share a floor with goats and cows? No mother, no friend, no familiar midwife to call. Sure, the vision of the angel telling you this is God’s son vividly permeates your thoughts, but could it have been real? Would God have allowed Caesar to order you to move so far in so delicate a condition? Wouldn’t God provide better for His Son?

Dad, do you remember the moment? The moment your bride announced the impending birth of your first child. Do you recall the surprise, the pride, the wonder? Joseph experienced none of that. Horror, anger, despair that the woman he loved had publicly made a mockery of him was all he likely felt at Mary’s announcement of impending birth. Sure, the vision of the angel telling you this is God’s son vividly permeates your thoughts. But, as you struggle to pull a donkey across a desert, find a room for your bride to rest, locate a midwife in a distant town—could it have been real? Would God have allowed this turn of events? Wouldn’t God provide better for His Son?

This Christmas parents will struggle mightily to provide a “good Christmas” for our children. Though times are tough, we will find a way to get something to light their eyes and give a sense of wonder. Yet, even as we troll the aisles looking for “it,” we may struggle with questions. If the God we worship is sovereign, if we are following His plan—how can this be happening to us? Wouldn’t God provide better for His people?

God used Caesar to move Mary to David’s birthplace to fulfill prophesy and clearly establish Jesus’ identity as God’s plan of salvation from the dawn of time. Choosing a woman from Bethlehem could be dismissed as coincidence. The unusual moving of a woman from a far distance pointed to God. God’s provision of a stable instead of suite at the inn allowed socially outcast shepherds to be the first to gaze upon the Savior. God demonstrated, unlike most religions, that His salvation is for all—even the lowliest. God’s movement of the wisest men of the age from a distant land likewise demonstrated that the greatest would bow to Jesus. In every aspect of the Christmas story we see the seemingly worst circumstances intentionally planned to reveal God’s hand.

As you struggle with circumstances that seem to argue against God’s sovereignty, God’s care, or His provision—consider Joseph and Mary. They had every reason to doubt—yet their lives perfectly reveal God to us. As God’s plan unfolded Mary treasured the signs that her faith was well-placed. Stick with the plan God has given you. As you do, your unfolding life will reveal God’s hand both to you and others to demonstrate your faith is well-placed.

As the backdrop to the new bike, the costumed Barbie, and the pile of Lego’s, the security of parents faithfully putting their confidence in the goodness, power, and love of God—even in testing times—ministers to the heart of our children. While you may not have to haul a pregnant belly onto a donkey or live down the rumors surrounding your wife, you will walk in Joseph and Mary’s footsteps each time you trust God despite the circumstances that surround. That faithful walk will become the greatest gift you give your children and the very core of a “good Christmas.”

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: What lessons do you glean from Mary and Joseph's story? How do your define a good Christmas?

Lessons from Oceanus

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 13 Nov 2010 03:55:00 +0000

Oceanus Hopkins had a rough start. His parents, fleeing persecution, crowded onto a ship with Pilgrims and others to head for a new land. Fighting seasickness, rotting food, and the effects of tight living-quarters, Oceanus’s mother gave birth aboard the Mayflower making him the 32nd child to join the 102 travelers going to Virginia to seek a new life. After a storm blew the ship off course, they landed in uncharted territory on the coast of Massachusetts. Though everyone knew life would be hard, few fully realized the trials they would face.

Some historians credit the ultimate survival of the colony to the number of children who went to the new world. Nearly half of those who sailed died that first winter, yet children had a higher survival rate than the adults. This added longevity to the colony. Hardy and hard-working—the children gathered food, helped build shelter, and learned survival techniques from the Wampanoag tribe which came to their aid. Oceanus Hopkins was born into this adventure, facing the trials of the new world head-on alongside the adults to create a new life.

This Thanksgiving, I have to admit that I am extremely thankful to live in a different time. I will put my children to bed in a warm shelter with their stomachs full of nutritious food. Should they become ill, our doctor will likely be able both to tell me what is wrong and provide treatment. Pilgrim parents could offer only rudimentary shelters and scant food. I feel so fortunate compared to them. Yet, I wonder, “Am I doing as well by my children as they did by theirs?”

Though the trials are very different, today’s families face the challenge of building a life in the unknown much as our Pilgrim forefathers did. Ever-changing technologies, financial upheaval, the inability of basic institutions to adequately serve their mission, and global interdependence force families to forge a new life in uncharted territory. Have we prepared our children as well as the Pilgrims prepared theirs?

Can our children work hard? The Pilgrim children weren’t assigned chores to simply fill a chart and earn a reward. Their efforts were critical to family survival. Whether firewood was handy or difficult, children must get it or freeze to death. Food was gathered—even if it took all day. Because our children’s efforts are more an act of training than integral to real accomplishment, it’s easy for us to let them off the hook when the going gets tough. Instead, we need to prepare our children to face difficulty, to persevere in the most difficult circumstances. Instead of letting them off the hook, we must find jobs that have real meaning and require our children to see them through to the end.

Can our children team with us? The Pilgrim children worked with their parents to establish their colony. They pooled skills, supported and encouraged each other, and sought together the new life they envisioned. Does your family work together toward goals? Do your children have the experience of combining their skills with yours to achieve a common vision? Some can work hard for personal benefit. Delaying gratification, persevering through hardship, and putting up with those less skilled all for the sake of achieving benefit for a larger group takes a a special kind of strength. Our children’s best preparation for this is teaming with us.

Can they learn from others? Have we taught our children to respect and listen to others so that they can learn from others? The Pilgrim children’s lives depended on their respect toward and willingness to listen to the Wampanoag—even when these tribal people were so different from anyone they had known. In this time of national interdependence time, our fates are intertwined with those of people around the globe. Do our children know how to respect and listen to those who are very different but have information to offer? We must instill a basic respect for others in our children so that they are able to build relationships with, gain from, and offer to these others in order to work together. Even in times of strong disagreement, this basic willingness to respect and listen can build alliances across differences that may mean our children’s very survival.

Do our children have a vision to carry them through the toughest times? Though there were many other travelers on the Mayflower, the Pilgrims came to this land dedicated to creating a land where God was worshipped biblically. They staked their very lives on this call. Their commitment to this vision enabled them to face and overcome hardship instead of giving in to despair. Do our children have a vision that will provide the focus and incentive to overcome any hardship they face?

Thanksgiving reminds us to be thankful of the privilege of living in this great country. As we pause to remember those who helped found our nation, may we also glean a few parenting strategies. May we ensure our children are strong enough to face hardship and skilled enough to overcome it. Instead of shielding them, may we work with them to create a vision for the future in which they actively participate and toward which they significantly contribute. In our intense gratitude for all those blessings our children enjoy, let us not substitute weakness for strength or passive reception of blessing for active involvement in creating blessing. Oceanus worked alongside his parents to lay the foundation of our nation. Perhaps, this Thanksgiving provides us the opportunity to explore with our children how we will work together to meet the challenges of today and build a heritage for which future generations will pause to give thanks.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: Which Pilgrim lesson do you wish your children to learn?

The 86,400 Dream

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Fri, 22 Oct 2010 14:38:00 +0000

On the day Joe was born, Uncle Louie was the first visitor, the first non-parent to hold him, the first to feel tiny fingers fold around his thumb. At that moment, a primal love captured Louie’s heart. With no children of his own, Uncle Louie showered all his fatherness on Joe.

On the day Joe graduated from college, Uncle Louie gave an amazing gift. He created a trust that gave Joe $86,400 dollars every day. Joe had complete discretion in how to use the money with one catch. Joe had to spend the entire amount every day or the trust would cease.

Dumfounded Joe tried to envision how to use this incredible resource. How could he steward something so generous? How could he convert the trust and honor from his Uncle into a legacy of his own? At first, Joe took care of the basics. He paid off his loans, purchased a home, took care of his parents, and invested in graduate education.

In graduate school, he found his dream. He would start his own pharmaceutical research facility to explore medications for obscure diseases overlooked by larger companies. This was a dream worth pursuing, worth investing Uncle Louie’s gift. Though it would take years--even with the generous daily amounts--intentional planning and conscious focus would build his dream.

Yet, Joe was also tempted by the luxuries he could now afford. Expensive meals, trips to foreign countries, and elaborate gatherings for friends became a mainstay. Though Joe knew he strayed from his master plan every time he focused on one of these, he had little concern. There was always tomorrow’s money. He would get back on track tomorrow. . . .

Twenty years later, Joe ran into Jeff, a physician who had helped develop the dream for the research facility and whose expertise Joe had counted on to spur new research. Embarrassed Joe realized he had not even spoken to Jeff in years. First the six-month safari in Africa, then the months of travel through the Amazon, then a tour of Europe kept Joe out of contact. “Jeff! How are you? What are you up to?”

“I’m great, Joe. How are you? I’m sorry I can’t stop. I’m running late for a board of directors meeting. We’re about to announce a new drug eight years in development. We have a lot to pull together before the press conference this afternoon.”

“Really?! Wow, that’s great. Which company are you with?”

Jeff blushed. “Actually, mine. Your passion for this research was contagious. When you left the country, I decided to give it a shot. Thanks for the inspiration. Gotta run. Call me.”

As Jeff hustled down the street, Joe stood dumbfounded. He had every chance to make his dream come true. The resources were available every day. Yet, their very availability had blinded him to the passing of time. Now his graduate education far behind, support team scattered, and his youth spent—had he blown it?

We may all wish we had Joe’s “problem” of how to spend $86,400 each day. Yet, in reality we face the same dilemma.

Each of us is given 86,400 seconds per day. We spend every one of them. Do we spend them on our dreams? Or, blinded by the availability of tomorrow’s time, do we squander today’s?

We have dreams for our families—the lessons we long to teach, the memories to make, the legacy to leave. Our children reside with us briefly. For our dreams to become reality, we must wisely invest every day. This morning your family was given 86,400 seconds—how will you spend your day?

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.
This month’s topic: How will you spend today's 86,400?

Lessons for Little Boys--Part 3: Become a Servant

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 16:19:00 +0000

What dreams do you have for your son? Do you desire him to lead a corporation, a family business, his country? Do you long for him to have an impactful career as a doctor, police officer, or teacher? Whatever the dream, chance are you see him successfully leading others—be it his family, business, or community. How do we build good leaders?

God offers a surpising answer. God made Joseph leader of Egypt by way of a prison term. Moses became leader of Israel after an exile to shepherding. David likewise rose from lowly shepherd and foot soldier to king. Daniel became advisor to an empire from the position of a slave. God creates leaders from servants. Wise parents follow His lead.

These leaders were born with incredible intelligence and talents. Yet, God knew innate gifts are not enough to create a leader. As Joseph served first in a noble’s house then among fellow prisoners, he learned how to discern the needs of others and meet these. He developed skills in organizing fellow prisoners to work and live together peaceably. David’s time as a shepherd taught him to unify individuals prone to go their own way while protecting his flock from outward threats. Daniel’s heart to use his position to care for people under him developed from his position as slave in Nebuchadnezzar’s kingdom. A great leader knows his position is a trust given to use for the good of those he leads. This is the heart of a servant.

If we want our sons to be great leaders, we must first teach them to serve.

Fortunately, we don’t have to ship our sons to prison or slavery to develop this heart. Opportunities abound in everyday life to teach this skill—yet, many parents miss these. To train our sons well, we must forego the cultural habit of indulging children and take on new habits.

Normalize serving at home. From the time he can walk, have your son help you around the house. Yes, he will create more mess than productive work. Yes, your job will take longer. Yet, during these early years his view of the world is forming. If he spends his formative years playing while you work, his most fundamental understanding of the world becomes, "others exist to work on my behalf; I exist to play." Play becomes the expectation; any request for help a resentment. Instead, create in his earliest days the expectation, "if there are things to be done, I should be helping." He can fold towels while you hang shirts, pick up sticks before you mow, tip a cup of water into the dog’s bowl, put out napkins before meals. Not only are you developing in him the expectation that he should help, you are training him to become an invaluable aid in the coming years.

As he gets older, couch discussions of sibling and friend conflicts in terms of “how could you serve the others involved? Instead of seeking to prove you are right, how could you act in this situation to meet another’s need?” Give some jobs for which he is responsible—not to get an allowance—but simply because he is part of a family and everyone must help take care of each other.

Normalize serving in public. Modeling is the best teacher. Become the family that stays after the church pitch-in to put away tables, picks up trash along your road, takes cookies to a sick neighbor or shut-in. Help college students move into the local dorms, serve food at the local food pantry, and offer to carry sacks for the mom with three youngsters in tow. As you develop an ear and eye for opportunities to help those around you and include your son, he will develop these senses.

The easy path lies in sending our son to his room with a video game to stay out of our way or indulging his whims to keep him happy. To build the character of a leader, God’s wisdom says our sons must know how to serve. That will take our investment of time and teaching and opportunities to serve. As we do this, we offer the foundation for all the dreams we have for our sons.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How does your son serve in your home?

Lessons for Little Boys: Part 2--Developing Self-Control

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Tue, 31 Aug 2010 15:33:00 +0000

Three scenes: Toddler throws the mother of all temper tantrums in the grocery as helpless mom looks on; middle school student visits detention for the third week running; young man ignores policeman’s order to stop and is killed—what do they have in common? At their core, each boy failed to develop a strong sense of self-control.

In this continuing series on essential character qualities for sons, the second focus is developing self-control. Self control enables sons to refrain from doing what they want in order to appropriately respond to others. Many parents mistakenly believe self-control comes naturally as children age. Unfortunately, there is nothing natural about self-control. Giving into one’s desires and feelings comes naturally. Denying our desires to answer to something else—that skill must be taught and nurtured.

Parents’ failure to impart this skill has left many boys incapable of succeeding in any situation. If a person can’t control themselves, they can’t build friendships. They can’t participate in group activities. They can’t apply themselves to challenges whether physical, social, or academic. Ultimately, they can’t succeed in an adult world where they will constantly answer to a variety of authorities from boss to neighborhood association to the law and ultimately to God. Given that self-control is essential to engaging life at any meaningful level—how do we ensure our sons have this skill?

• Teach when the time is right. Focus on developing this skill during the toddler and preschool years. God graciously provided a system whereby our child's social, emotional, and intellectual development mirrors his physical development. These years are all about control. Our children long to control everything around them—manipulating toys, dressing themselves, feeding themselves, and using the potty. These blossoming skills in physical control provide a perfect springboard for teaching self-control. Too many parents, faced with the iron will of a toddler, assume the job will get easier if they give in now and wait for son to get a little older. In so doing, they miss the golden opportunity to capitalize on son’s desire to be in control. If parents instead channel son's desire for control into controlling himself, they make the most of this developmental stage.

If your son has already passed the toddler/ preschool stage without self-control in place, you still need to establish this pattern—just know it will be more difficult. You will fight established habits of self-will, you will have to alter your own willingness to give in, and you will have to do all this in the few hours you have after school. You can do it. Deciding to go forward is the most important step. Follow the steps below—just expect a little more push-back as your son fights to keep getting his way.

• Be consistent. Even though our children are primed to learn self-control during the toddler/preschool years, the challenge still looms large. During infancy, we gave our child whatever he desired—food when hungry, a dry diaper when wet, and a bed when tired. A huge transition takes place in toddlerhood. For the first time our sons have desires we won’t allow. He desires to hit the dog, bite his sister, throw his peas, push television buttons, stick his fingers in electric sockets—you get the idea. To all this, we say, “No.” Given that this restraint is new, no wonder the transition is so hard.

Consistency helps. Set clear boundaries with age appropriate rules. Then, normalize obedience. This means we never let sons get away with disobeying a direct order or standing rule. When you call your son—he must come. If he doesn’t, go get his hand and bring him to where you were standing when you called. If you tell your son to pick up toys, he should begin within the minute. If he doesn’t, take his hand and pick up the toys with him. As you consistently require him to obey you, he learns to bring his actions into compliance with your instruction. Before long—he learns to respond to your instruction with immediate obedience. You have normalized obedience and taught self-control.

• Affirm, affirm, affirm. As we go through this process we must never lose sight that our sons are denying themselves in order to do what we ask largely because they adore us. They want to please us and will take on the huge challenge of obeying in order to do so. We must affirm them in this. Affirm through encouraging words, bear-hugs, ruffled hair, and sudden surprises. Look him in the eye and tell him how proud you are of what he is doing. Offer concrete benefits to his willingness to listen to you, and you’ll find him increasingly willing to do so.

If a man can’t control himself, he will be controlled by others. Though it’s hard to teach this skill, as you do you build in your son the strength of a man.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do you teach self-control?

Lessons for Little Boys: Part 1--Become an Initiator

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 21:10:00 +0000

One sunny, spring afternoon my little son bounded up asking to go for a walk. As we strolled down our lane, we enjoyed chatting, laughing, and seeing sights together. After one long silence, son slipped his hand into mine and sighed, “Mommy, I love being with you.” As I clutched him to me, I felt my chest straining. It doesn't have the room to hold the love I have for my son.

When I look into my son’s eyes, I want so badly to be everything he needs in a mom. I yearn to get this mom-thing right. Yet, conflicting messages pull at me: ensure he does well in school, teach him to ride a bike, build his social skills, enroll him in sports . . . . I cannot accomplish the endless list—especially when the list constantly changes with the latest trend. Where do families focus?

Wise moms offer a focus that I find invaluable—character. Though the world focuses on the temporary, character is eternal. When we guide our son’s character, we train him to know where to spend his time and how to make his daily choices with wisdom and ability. Character has many facets, yet four fundamentals lead to strong male character: initiative, purity, responsibility and servant hood. Lesson 1: teach your son to be an initiator.

Men are designed to be initiators. In the Garden of Eden, God instructed Adam to take charge of the rest of the world and fashion it to the standard of Eden. He made Adam His Viceroy—standing in God’s stead and conferring God’s authority onto the Earth. To accomplish his task, Adam had to initiate—a lot.

Today, men are still called to be God's Viceroys. They are to creatively initiate in their jobs to expand God’s authority over the workplace. They are to initiate in the home—guiding the family spiritually, emotionally, and pragmatically. They are to provide the leadership and guidance to their communities. This understanding of the initiator role has been lost.

In the focus to acknowledge the importance of women and how their contributions had been wrongly diminished—women have been encouraged and equipped to take charge. Education policy shifted to become more female friendly, scholarships diverted to consider only females, community resources funded female pursuits pulling resources from support of boys. Men have been discouraged from leadership—ordered to step back and give women a chance. While this proved valuable to women, men have been devastated.

Add to this that boys grow up in a culture where grown men are consistently depicted as idiots (on television, in movies) saved only by the leadership of women. The result? Men have become passive, disconnected, and commitment averse. Refusing any leadership roles, they now barely function. One statistic offers perspective. Less than half of male students graduate high school and only 35% of college students are male—poor training for leadership. It’s up to families to give our sons better. We need to teach them to be the initiators they were created to be. How?

• Support his ideas. Little boys have big ideas and grand desires. Nothing kills an initiating spirit like constant rejection. Whenever possible, encourage son’s ideas. Let him build a fort in the yard, attempt to hike the hill, strategize giant army attacks between toy soldiers, read thick books years ahead of grade level, attempt to fix the broken clock. We want to protect our sons and our schedules—which can lead to a habit of saying “no” to son’s ideas. Though the challenges are real, if we develop a habit of saying "go for it!" our sons will develop the habit of initiating with enthusiasm.

• Resource his ideas. Another initiator-killer is ongoing defeat. Part of our role may include helping son shape his idea into something within the realm of possible. To prevent our sons from being overwhelmed and giving up--break down his goal into those steps it would take to accomplish his dream. Supply him with the necessary tools. Then, let him go.

As he hits snags, encourage him to keep working the process until he finds an answer that works. If he’s stuck, offer suggestions but don’t take over the process—let him remain in charge and develop the problem-solving skills initiators must have to realize their dreams.

• Normalize failure. I love the line from Meet the Robinsons, “Here’s to Lewis and his brilliant failure. May it lead to success in the future.” Teach your son that failure is not a bad thing—it’s simply a lesson in what to do differently next time. Only men ready to risk and cope with failure can truly lead. Ask questions such as, “What did you learn? What could you do differently? What went right?” This trains our sons to “keep moving forward” rather than become mired in a habit of defeat.

Character lesson number 1—be an initiator. When we encourage our sons to become initiators, we train them in a character ready to take on the world.

Please join us to encourage each other with your insights, remembering to keep comments uplifting and considerate of all. Click on 'comments' below to discuss this month's topic.

This month’s topic: How do you help your son initiate?

Summer Adventures

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Wed, 16 Jun 2010 20:20:00 +0000

Last summer we nearly blew it. In Indiana we are fairly new to daylight savings time. Thus, we aren’t used to it being daylight till 10:00 at night. A chance remark let us know that we were missing a huge summer memory with our youngest daughter. We were reading a book that mentioned fireflies. “What’s a firefly?” asked our daughter.

“Honey, you know—the bugs that light up at night.” Blank stare. As I thought, I realized that, though we were playing outside till after 9:00 each night, she had never seen a firefly. We made a date to stay up late and catch fireflies. We finished with ice cream sundaes on the porch—a wonderful summer memory. One we nearly missed.

Summer goes quickly. By mid-June firefly season is nearly over. Unless parents strategically plan—we can miss some of the best summer moments with our children. While there’s still time—make a list of all the special summer memories you want to create with your children. Then, pull out your calendar and schedule at least one per week for the rest of summer. With camps, coaches, church groups, and extended family all scheduling summer events, it’s easy for our family plans to get lost in the shuffle. We find ourselves shopping for back-to-school specials and realizing that summer slipped by without our doing any of the activities that make summer special for our family. A few too many of those, and the children get past a stage without our sharing the memories together.

The key—be as proactive about scheduling as everyone else. Get activities—even the little but special—on the calendar and guard the time. When we do this, we get to the end of summer and have a bounty of shared experiences that build family.

If you need help getting started, a few suggestions:
• Chase fireflies (of course!)
• Have a bonfire and eat s’mores
• Go fishing—be sure to get necessary permits (children typically don’t need,but adults do)
• Take a long bike ride
• Lay in the grass and watch clouds
• Pick fresh berries
• Rent paddleboats
• Read a spooky story by campfire/candlelight
• Run in the sprinkler
• Visit the zoo
• Feed ducks
• Play badminton
• Have an all-night movie night—each family member picks their favorite movie and snack, pile the pillows and blankets, and enjoy
• Visit an ethnic festival
• Go to a drive-in
• Have a marathon euchre game
• Throw rocks in a pond, lake, creek, river. . .

You get the idea. With a little intentional planning, this summer can be a series of mini-adventures where you build your family through the memories you create.

noreply@blogger.com (Tess Worrell) — Sat, 08 May 2010 13:33:00 +0000

"Mommy, what are we having for dinner?”
“Can I go play?”
“Why do caterpillars only like milkweed?”
“Why can’t I go play?”
“What are we doing tomorrow?”
“Why is Aunt Gertrude so loud?”
How many questions do you face each day? In a house full of curious, imaginative, intelligent children—I figure 957 easy. If you asked me if I thought questions were good, I’d answer, “Of course! Questions help children learn.” If you asked my children if I thought questions were good, I’m not so sure they’d have the same answer. I say I want our children to ask questions, yet I don’t always respond patiently to the endless torrent. Why are questions so good in theory but so hard in reality?

Selfishness. The hard, cold truth is that my most impatient responses stem from pure selfishness. Like most parents, I’m pushed on all sides. I rarely feel that my day is my own. Instead, I have an endless list of chores to do, deadlines to meet, and needs to address. When a question has a ready response that doesn’t require too much thought, I’m typically OK. I can answer on the fly and keep moving through my day. But for those questions where I don’t know the answer and it will take some investment on my part to puzzle through or go find the answer, I sometimes shut my child down. Rather than focus my limited time and energy on figuring out a good answer to my child’s questions, I’d rather use those resources to make a dent in my list. Not a great strategy.

When I see my child’s question as an opportunity to set aside my agenda and focus on what’s important to her, I grow in my ability to be selfless. I develop a better sense of how to take the focus off me and what I’ve deemed necessary and instead focus on what is important to those around me. Sure most of my list was already focused on those around me, but I created the list and its order. When I choose to expend energy responding to my child, I say in a very real way that their list matters, too. That both affirms my child and diminishes the selfishness in me.

Pride. Again, if I can readily respond, I typically don’t mind questions. When the answer isn’t automatic, I tend to shut down the questions. As I analyze why, I have to acknowledge that I don’t like admitting to not having an answer. This denies my children one of the most important lessons of all—humility.
To freely acknowledge that I don’t have all the answers comforts my children. They are still at the age when they think I’m pretty cool. It reassures them to know cool people don’t have to know everything. They can feel fairly competent now with only some answers. Moreover, when I admit I don’t know a particular answer and go look for it; I teach them how to go get the answers they need. We become a team working together which creates a special bond. A bond I would miss if my pride kept shutting their questions down.

Agenda. As a homeschooling mom, I have seemingly endless time to spend with my children. One would think this is a perfect environment for questions. And it should be. Yet, most homeschooling moms are terribly frightened of missing some key teaching our children must have to survive in the world. So, we treat our curriculum as gospel and live in terror of failing to complete a day’s list of subjects. Questions distract horribly from that list. They interrupt. They lead down bunny trails. They hijack conversations. It’s just much more efficient when children sit quietly and simply listen as I get us through the lessons of the day. Efficient but ineffective.

I have to remember that our family’s job is to develop each child into the unique person God made them to be. Questions aren't an interference—they are a prime tool in that role. When I can back away from my agenda and refocus on the purpose of my agenda, to train up my children in the unique path God created for them, I can take a breath and follow the bunny trails of questions down the path they need to go. When I do that, I begin to see how God pulls me from my agenda and gets us all onto His agenda.

Questions force me to focus on what is important to my children rather than me. Questions force me to be humble in front of my children thereby teaching them how to be humble. Questions force me to listen for God’s agenda rather than clinging to my own. Instead of overwhelming distractions, my children’s questions have become—not only a great way for them to learn—but a 957 opportunities a day for me to become a more selfless, humble, listening mom.