anti-interaction

The end is the beginning.

2013-07-17T23:51:00.001-05:00

It's reality, my own, I have altered.

My cup is overflowing.

I endured the pain and pushed myself through it. It's better now. The ghosts are gone.

I am a husband now. I am a father now. I am an adult now. I tell people what to do.

Moving forward towards the future, uncertainty is a thrill.

Gave up on being nothing. I am a blank slate. Anything could happen.

My legacy, concrete. My words, I've given up. I know love now, indescribably raw and sensitive. It's itchy, beautiful and real. The only way to know it, is to live it.

I never imagined feeling so complete. I never imagined how much I wanted this. I never knew that I could be the person I am right now.

It's not perfect. It's not. But it's extremely close.

I never fathomed meeting a genetic relative of myself, but I have now and he is amazing.

Little boy, he's getting bigger. He's getting stronger and learning new things everyday. This is life. I am luckier than I ever dreamed.

This

2012-03-08T01:19:00.001-06:00

I feel so alone.

All I do is make everyone's life worse.

I'm a leech.

The end is nearing, my friends.

There is no room for me here. THIS is not where I'm meant to be.

2012-01-22T20:56:00.000-06:00

I wish I were enough for her. She needs much more than I can provide. I could die for her and that still wouldn't be enough. There's no pleasing her really, she's more messed up than me. How do you love someone who only wants to make you feel as much pain as possible? Why do I constantly do this to myself? This person doesn't love me anymore more than any of the rest of them. She just doesn't want to be alone. I don't want to be some desparate girls salvation...I'd rather be appreciated for the piece of shit I am.

I don't deserve anything but pain. I don't expect anything but suffering. She's going to break my heart. Let's see how the bitch does it this time. The bitch and the bastard...sounds romantic huh? Except...she doesn't really care and that's all I do. Such is the life of a bastard.

Then

2011-06-29T05:00:00.001-05:00

There are ghosts in my house.

Hide

2011-03-12T02:24:00.001-06:00

All alone, the past year.

Created a cave for myself. My own sacred space.

Hello Enid H. I saw Bill T Jones on Bill Maher tonight. tWas interesting. I miss you lady. Don't forget that real people exist, despite how painful that seems.

So. The People have arrived again. Blackie keeps most of them away. Otherwise they are completely in control. Called Oprah gay, was mistake, just really good friend.

Well--fraud has become the hollow case in which I am contained! It's quite confusing, but essentially comforting. That sick blackness that seems to great everyone really isn't so bad. It's about as cheap as reality.

Would you like to see proof? I've been authorized to give a glimpse. It's kind of beautiful, in a Las Vegas kinda way. There is no natural light, just the glow of resourcefulness. I smell cotton and petrol, something tingly and tolerable. You get happy on the goodness of brightness, the vivid colors almost assault your senses and make you wish you were dependent once again.

Then there's clean white sheets and crisp, sterile pillows. The swab of alcohol feels cold and smooth on your stupid, stretchy skin.

We miss you, Court. It's sad my time is short.

If this is it, remember this, I am full of shit.

Hesitant

2011-01-27T05:18:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile.

But I really don't want to start something I can't finish.

I'm waiting for reality.

I hope it catches up with me.

This is the middle of the end.

Rage

2011-01-14T21:20:00.000-06:00

My wrist muscles tighten in anticipation of the blow. I let my fist beat down upon the man, sloshing and sliding against the blood and hard surface of his face.

He looked like a mushroom, the anger, sadness falling from his face.

Slap, the sound of my bones against his, the dead hollow sound of head breaking into a false thickness of reality. Crunching the effect into powdered human.

I don't control my anger, I don't control my pain. I can subdue it, just long enough for you to get away.

Sister, my sister, you've served me no purpose. Family, my family, you've done us no good.

Hah, a sperm on all your faces, because the dirty reality is too sick to internalize. Fuck your begotten word. Your fake fancy killed anything good.

THIS is what's real. THIS will be the all-over-ending promise. Brief feelings. Half-a-second smells, sounds, so many that I drown.

You were born into simplicity, I'm a product of complication. Your reality, plain and simple. Mine, a labyrinth of confusion.

Slip

2011-01-04T01:16:00.000-06:00

This is how I crumble. Little pieces everywhere. Much too aware to feel anonymous. Things aren't fantastic. Reality has branched itself off into two separate pieces.

But things don't have to be real to exist. In fact sometimes the imagination is much richer than actuality.

Materialism has not ceased to amaze me. I am perpetually non-existent.

I want to feel the warmth of contact. You don't miss it until it's gone. You'd be surprised how cold people can get, left to themselves.

I am your beautiful case-study on everything exceptionally wrong.

the Long Walk

2010-12-30T15:22:00.000-06:00

What a month.

I'll call this my addiction awareness month. Alcoholism and drug abuse surround me. Good thing I will escape it.

Long drive back home tomorrow. Many things to add to my collection, however I'm rid of old things holding me down.

Couldn't sleep last night. Thinking about MM. Can't believe she's dead, two years ago. First girlfriend, first girl I ever really kissed actually. I can't help thinking why am I still alive when so many people I cared about are gone? I kinda wish now that I could've said goodbye to everyone. But I can't and I'll never see any of them again.

I wonder who will be next? I feel like my role of passive observer has passed to active participant. I'm just here to help and hopefully that's where this is headed.

Such a strange Christmas holiday. We kinda made it our own. It felt real, even with my drunk grandfather busting his alcoholic head open.

Should I even start my own family? Do I know how that might change things for me? I see a long, bleak future ahead but with a chance of humble fun that makes it worth it.

Sometimes you just need a really long walk to clear the head. One of those where you don't even realize you're walking and you don't know where you end up.

I'll light you up, friend, but return the favor and keep someone else warm.

The hard part begins again. This is what I live for though.

On track

2010-10-11T07:51:00.001-05:00

Well, it looks like I'll be dead in 5 years. It's kinda weird. I think about it often. I think people are probably tired of having to deal with me, I'm really just a huge burden. I keep hitting this brick wall any time I try to change it. I guess I can't. I guess I won't. My self-fulfilling prophecy will come true and honestly no one will care.

Upchuck

2010-09-03T22:48:00.001-05:00

I think vomiting is one of the saddest, most expressive forms of human emotion. You puke when things are bad, stressful or unbearable. When do we experience these episodes unless the dire circumstances set in? Expel my upset friends.

You'd do the same

2010-08-27T02:11:00.001-05:00

It's been an interesting day, I guess. Its been two days since I've interacted with another human and the interactions today were not so successful, yet I feel much more comfortable.

Voices are bring me satisfaction, but my life does not. I am all alone in all of this, no matter how much you all try and insert yourselves into my life. Loneliness is the main cause of sadness, don't you ever think any differently.

Queer

2010-08-26T23:23:00.001-05:00

It's really odd, talking to friends that I may never talk to again about my suicide. These are people that I may not physically interact with again. I am going to try and meet them and say my goodbyes. It definitely helps to give a sense of closure to everything. Makes ending this easier.

I still have five years and yet all I can think about is saying goodbye to everyone that really meant anything in my life. It's hard because so many people have effected my life. I guess that means the Hags will have to be contacted. Despite the fact that I honestly hate those people, it has to be done at some point. I have to know why. This is the one thing I can't procrastinate towards. Weirdly, I have the most time of any project I've ever completed. I guess I can be more deliberate that way. But that doesn't make my task any easier. It's always hard to approach the people that hurt you. Confronting my parents will probably hurt the worst.

I've only told two of my good friends, they seem to understand it. Hopefully I can get that to the people who wont, like my parents, siblings and anyone that may consider my actions. They need to understand, eventually.

The Next Five Years

2010-08-25T19:53:00.000-05:00

I have a new five year plan. This one, much more final and realistic. My plan is this, if life hasn't become much better than it is today, I will kill myself.

I've been thinking about this a year or two, but only recently on my 26th birthday did it really become a promise to myself. There are several criteria that would potentially stop this from happening, however they don't seem likely at this point. It's not that I'm depressed or even really want to die. I just don't have much else to offer and I am so tired of living. I've done too much of it already.

It seems odd, I guess, to be done with life at my age. I just don't have anything else to give. However, I'm satisfied with what I've accomplished. I've done good things and bad things.

But, it's not that easy anymore. Reality is much clearer than everyone makes it out to be. I think I could continue on with life as it is now, but I really don't want to do that. I see where it goes and there is no where else I really want to be. I don't love anyone in my life. I am not a significant part of any family or social system. I'm just living alone to eventually die alone. I guess if I can have some control over how that goes, I'm going to use it. I have responsibilities now, but in five years I will (most likely) no longer have these responsibilities. In the case that these responsibilities increase in frequency, I won't be able to kill myself in good conscience. However, I seem to be losing these slowly and that makes it much, much easier.

I'm not sick either, no terminal diseases. I guess you could say that I'm terminally alive in an unsatisfying existence. Because of who I am, what I've done, how things are, there's no potential for satisfaction in the foreseeable future. I am just a drain on everyone and everything. Therefore, I've got five years to get shit straight. Maybe I can do it. I've done crazy stuff in five years. I'm going to try, but motivation to do so is definitely waning. Continuing to live beyond the point mentioned above would be wasteful and painful for me.

This isn't a list of excuses, it's an explanation. So that when I look back I can understand why I made this decision and can judge for myself whether things are better or worse. We'll see how it goes.

Weighs a ton

2010-03-14T01:33:00.001-06:00

I don't know what I'd do without this pooch. He really is my only friend anymore. At least, he's the only person that seems to have time to hang out. Shit's not so good nowadays. The depression comes and goes, as quickly as my will to live.

I'm so tired now, so tired that I don't even care to explain anything to anyone. That worries me, when I stop externalizing my feelings bad things happen to me. But that's the price I pay for wanting to feel comfortable.

I've got alot in my life that's good. I have people who care about me and some who really don't. I just don't have anything that's mine anymore, except Blackie and these cats. I either sold or lost or gave away everything else. This also worries me. I just don't know who I am anymore and it's keeping me up again.

Everything I love is scattered everywhere. I'm not even sure I remember where those things even are anymore. I've given up on all my dreams and realized that if I want to get anywhere different I have to do by myself. I want to feel succesful but after everything that's happened I don't even know what success means.

Why's it hurt so much to care about someone and not have that returned? At least I never have to worry about that with my pets, they'll be here for me because they need me just as much as I need them. Maybe they don't feed me or scoop up my shit, but they keep me sane and much less lonely. They even know how to cheer me up when I'm sad. They are my family, despite the species barrier. I'm adopted the same way they are, so maybe it's easier for me to feel this way. I don't know a single person related to me, but these guys are much closer to me than most human animals. Perhaps that's sad? I don't think so, I just feel lucky to have them. Their story is my story and vice versa. I can't even say that about my siblings. But then, if I was having a bad day or needed to talk they wouldn't be around and Blackie would!

I've just got a lump inside me that's a tangled mass of shit I can't express and experiences I can't share. People that have at least one person in their lives to share it with are lucky. Unfortunately I'm not lucky enough and the sad reality is I'm sitting here pouring out my heart to something that can neither comfort me or provide guidance, but it's all I've got. This stupid blog has been here when no one else has. It's not the healthiest way of dealing with myself, but it's something.

Pets and a blog: my support system.

It's funny how people now can see someone being run over by a car, beat up by someone or starving and yet they don't give a shit.

It's the sad truth today, people realized they have to be selfish to survive and they do so to the best of their ability. There are people out there though that do give a shit and they make life worth it. I just wish I could meet those people and surround myself with them. Even then I'm not so sure they'd like me back, I'm a difficult person.

Where do I fit in all of this? Do I matter? What if I died tomorrow? Would that change how the future turns out? I don't think so.

I just don't know how to get around this particular problem. Where do I want to go? When is enough enough? When should I just go ahead and fasttrack the destiny I've felt was coming all along? When do I just let the tired overtake me and just fall asleep?

Trapped

2010-01-26T00:24:00.001-06:00

Being a prisoner of yourself is much like being alone.

The Magic Cigarette

2010-01-17T04:47:00.001-06:00

Nights like tonight make me miss having her around. Life seemed warmer then. At least I knew there was always her.

Being away from her hasn't turned me bitter, just appreciative of the time we spent. We had a good time, we're different now but nothing really changed between us.

I hope she's warm, wherever she is, whatever she's doing.

I'm lurking in her footsteps while staying one step ahead. The vision of my future is her smile, when I ask myself, "what if, ya know?"

I guess we all need something stupid to look forward to, right? Why else would I keep trying?

The Miracle String

2010-01-10T22:32:00.001-06:00

Ever wonder where your tax money goes? Certainly not to guys like Scott Bakula and Andre Braugher.

I didn't spell their names correctly, fuck me. They are how men are supposed to be. Care-free, yet seriously amusing at the same time.

Fuck it if my favorite shows aren't Homicide and Star Trek Enterprise.

I petition that we bring both these awesome shows back. I know Homicide finalized itself 10 yrs ago with a movie, but a prequel isn't bad. Bring back the Baldwins!! Adam doesn't count.

Balls, I've got shit to do. Forgive me for thinking, but I've got no time left for you.

Learning

2010-01-10T01:45:00.000-06:00

I am still so stupid. I need teaching. I need to learn. It's like heroin, all I can do for more information are things I never thought possible. How do you escape debt when it is all you are?

I make you $$$$ by suffering. Glad that you are able to exploit that. My whole life has been about being the person that gets fucked over so you can be happy. It just sucks that, this time, I have to experience it.

Things are perfect when you get crushed for doing what you love. I won't be the supermarket, pre-packaged version of me. I can't recreate life correctly without smell. Smell is everything.

the frightened man

2010-01-09T23:39:00.001-06:00

There's a hollowness inside of us all. But not when you're a kid, not until something bad happens to you.

There was this kid who lost his way when becoming a man. Parents should protect their children from the sadness of life, but this child's family just embraced it, wishing to cause him more sadness.

How do you live in a cage? Doesn't it eventually have an effect on you?

Motivation is much easier when you're happy. But being happy always brought out my dark side even more. How do I choose to contain it tonight?

These are just miserable ramblings, me searching to find my voice or an idea to shape. But the evil nature of religion again effects the outcome of my life without remorse or consideration of the fact that I do not participate.

How could my parents let God rape me? Even when I told them what he did they still cling to him, like my sufferring meant nothing.

I wish there was a God, so that he could feel what it's like to be raped.

There is something to be said for physical pain, I hate it. But I much prefer it to mental anguish, as it eventually subsides.

Where do I find these thoughts? Who is having them? Because it is not me. I suppose I understand people with multiple personalities, they are compensating for severe trauma.

I wish my mind was strong enough to protect me from my trauma. Instead I have to live with it every day. The images, screams and crying that echo forever in your brain. Those phrases, like, "he's dead, oh my God, he killed himself, come home now," which actually took forever to say because of the cow-like sobbing. The smell of death, no matter what form. All these are things that you won't ever forget.

I remember the first dead body I saw. I remember what a skull-cap sounds (and smells) like when it's being sawed off. I'll never forget how bad untreated tumors can be. I will always remember what 3 dead cats look like after they've been forgotten about for 3 years, the unmistakable oily outlines they leave on the carpet.

I remember the look on my girlfriend's face when she knew I knew she was cheating. I remember my shocked expression when another girl told me she was pregnant. I'll remember when that same girl later told me she got an abortion. I'll remember the joyless, loveless, meaningless sex I've had with many different people. I'll remember her telling me she "thinks" it's herpes and that she had an abortion because she wanted me. I'll remember that same girl, even though my heart was her's, telling me she didn't really like me.

I remember the way the boy told the lady how he was molested, the horrific nature of what had happened finally surfacing. I remember throwing my guts up when I realized nothing would happen to this lady or any of the other terrible people who deserve nothing but to be locked in a cell for the rest of their lives. I remember looking in another boy's face, apologizing that I couldn't help his little sister even though I promised I would.

I remember the pit in my stomach when I heard my friend was dead (twice.) I remember my parents sitting us down and telling us they were getting a divorce, then remarried, then moving, then screaming at their spouses.

I remember the hatred I felt for my brother, having to always take punches but never give them back. I remember being proud of myself because I could take abuse so well without returning it. I remember never feeling quite good enough, even when I graduated from college.

I remember love, I remember guilt and depression too. I remember hurting people I care about because I was so afraid of getting hurt. I remember the comfort in isolation and I remember drugs :)

I remember falling asleep under stars, I remember kisses, I remember sex (a lot) that was amazing and frequent. I remember happiness and understanding. I remember what someone's hand feels like when you care about them. I remember staying up all night thinking about the possibility of someone. I remember the first kiss I ever had, but that I thought it was kinda gross. I remember the girl that changed my mind about that. I remember thinking I was going to die the first time I got really drunk.

I remember holidays and presents. I remember my patents getting me my first car, I remember the feeling of finally getting free and driving hours and hours mindlessly with nothing to do. Embarassingly enough, I remember crying when kids made fun of me at school or would say some shitty thing about my parents. Especially when it was my girlfriend.

I remember being so pissed off at a old-woman that I really and truly wanted to spit on her. I remember arguing with people even though I knew I was wrong. I remember the feeling of doing something outside my moral code and how exciting and scary that feels.

I remember my best friend getting married, how happy he looked. I remember how weird I felt, because I'm normally so jealous of other people's happiness. I remember how truly good it felt so see someone who actually deserved happiness get it. I remember how much happier it made me, knowing that at least some of the people I cared about ended up where they wanted to be.

I remember everything, yet I remember nothing.

I remember the "aha" moment when religion started making sense. I remember sitting for a tea ritual at a Buddhist monastery and burning icense for the people I'd lost and to those I would lose.

I remember the sound of the tattoo gun at a biker house party that the band played at, I remember the taste of dog and several other odd foods. Tastes can be the keeper of fond memories.

I still feel the buzz from the first time I screamed my heart out on stage (even though it was terrible.) I remember friends and finally feeling accepted. I remember many books, themes and academic garbage.

I remember song lyrics (most of them my own) I remember concerts. I remember being crunched in so many people that I thought I'd pass out, yet letting my weight be supported by the crowd and letting everyone else sway me to the sound of the deafening music. I remember the sweat, tears, spit, beer and glitter that covered my body when the band was done. I remember actually FEELING music.

I remember smells most of all, the way they take you back, away from everything present, to the past memory.

I remember pissing on the American embassy, digging for treasure in Belize, almost being killed by a black Mamba, crocodiles and hippos in Africa. I remember eating at a Domino's pizza across from the pyramids in Egypt. I remember the armed guard who followed us everywhere in Jordan. I remember tiny Chinese pimps in faux cheetah-skin jackets asking me if I want "sex massage".

I remember the nobility of an Elephant in the wild and was ashamed by the pathetic eminence of a captured one. I remember the people who died, who are being tortured, who suffer endlessly through no fault of their own.

But I don't remember me. I don't remember who I was in all these things. I don't remember what I looked like or how I appeared. What am I missing? Why is my story not yet complete?

I'm done with my life but it feels like it hasn't even started yet. I'm torn between finishing the story myself or just becoming someone else, someone new, someone I always wanted to be?

I guess, either way, I'm ok with death again. I wouldn't be sad if I died at any moment. Not because I'm depressed, just because I've filled my cup to the top and I don't wish to overflow.

The best thing I can think of is to simply empty the cup, so that nothing is left and I can start filling it again.

The Truth

2009-12-29T18:40:00.000-06:00

I'd rather be dead than this. I truly have no reason for living. Reality sucks balls.

Accusation of a Broken Shell

2009-12-17T22:04:00.003-06:00

I do not understand people sometimes. You can give all of yourself to someone, yet some people are so unsatisfied with themselves and their own lives that they spew all their problems on you. It's collateral damage, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

I guess the problem is trust. Everyone has issues with this, in fact it seems to be one of the biggest reasons people have problems with one another. I don't trust a police officer because I know what they do to people they don't like. I don't trust a man selling rolexs on the street because they may be stolen. I don't trust the guy that walks up to my car and asks me for change. I don't trust people that don't trust me.

I know I've done things to people that have hurt them. I have lied to people. However, I'm not that person anymore. I care about how my actions effect others. I know so many "adults" that I cannot categorize as such, because all they care about are themselves.

Its interesting though, as much as you love someone or care about them, accusing them of something without even the consideration of conversation hurts. It tells me everything I need to know about that person, especially the fact that they are (above everything else) selfish and broken. I no longer want to help them fix it, because I no longer care.

It's just sad, I suppose, that I have such a misguided sense of people. One side of me wants to see the best in everyone, but the other side is keenly aware of potential pit-falls.

I want to help everyone. I guess I'd really like for the people I care about to return the favor. It just doesn't happen that way in reality.

In reality, people lie to further their agendas. They lie to make themselves look better. They lie to fit in.

Out of all these priorities, I have none.

In fact, if someone is lucky enough to get on the inside of this little circle, priorities are meaningless. It's a place not many get to be. But it means something. It means that I just enjoy being around that person. They usually make my life feel a little more complete. I guess I just need to be more selective on who I let in, because my radar is obviously off.

In fact, this isn't a new development for me. It's just that this time it hurt more than usual, because I actually gave a shit. But, it's all done with now. I have nothing left to give. Fortunately, that's not something that always occurs. I hold grudges, but sometimes people are worth it.

This is one of those times.

My Funny Family

2009-12-14T13:42:00.002-06:00

Each person is very different, yet there are some similarities that I don't really even understand. How did this occur.

Everyone seems to like giving their perspectives, to the point that it is sometimes insulting the the listener. Like when you get a haircut that you love and go and show someone, who tells you how you could do it better. Rather than appreciate the haircut as it is. Everything has to be better and intrinsic value in things are of little consequence.

I guess I am the same way, yet I am also intensely effected my minutiae. It is what makes me, me.

Perhaps these things are forgotten, as in families our roles are constantly being re-written. Life constantly alters our own perceptions of each other and, therefore, we become new people each time.

This is an odd feeling as friends of mine appear to be the same people every time I see them. In fact, I count on them being this way. Because I fell in love with them like that, but that's not to say my love won't follow their craziness. It always does.

But there is a feeling, somewhere deep, that tells me that I should resist this change. That I should not be supportive of these evolving pieces of my life. It's a revolving door that I may want to lock shut.

It's not clear why this is, I think because life has been quite fast-paced and emotional for me. Perhaps all the years I spent craving novelty has lead me to this, a deficit of foundation. Because, emotionally I am a baby. However, physically and mentally I have been overexposed. But this is a symptom of our society and I am no different than anyone else I know.

Everyone seems to have their own ideas about life and ways of living it, mine is simply another variation. But I feel like there is a problem that I seem to encounter more frequently than others, misunderstanding, fear and aggression to my way of life. I understand that people that don't understand me would judge me using their own internal filters, however when these judgments manifest themselves externally it is hurtful. I lose my trust for these people and it breaks my heart.

Because I am desperately seeking a foundation. I need a seed to establish some roots. I am looking for ways to incorporate all these things I love into it, but doing so is madness.

The idea that someone can miss you when you are not present, this is how our roots are founded. I don't know of any single, more effective way to know someone cares. My idea is simple, when you miss someone that means you have the desire to see them again, that you want them to be a constant part of your continued existence.

But what do you do when this does not exist? When this bond between friend, lover, family-member is done what relationship do you have? This is when a person becomes an acquaintance and does not reserve much space in your mind for consideration. I must fall into this category for many, many people. This is actually alright with me, because those people are in the same category for me.

However, there are several persons who I miss constantly, who's presence in my life have left holes in me that I can't seem to fill anywhere. These are unique people, people who actually effected me in some way or another. They did not always do this consciously, they just exist which was enough for me.

You knew it was coming, the sad reality of it all is that these people are fading from me. I'm trying to decide which ones I want to hold on to and which ones I will be letting go. Something surprised me while doing this, the people I want in my life are all somewhere else.

By somewhere else I don't mean specifically in location, I mean also in mind-set. This is an important aspect of your relationships, like mindedness. I know this to be the truth, because when you don't have someone who thinks the same as you, who can relate to what you have to say, can understand you, then you don't have much. It will drive you insane, as well (see ih8review.blogspot.com for an example of a symptom of this disorder)

So what am I left with? A large collage of faces that all mean different things to me. People who have, ultimately, become me. I guess the biggest revelation I've had today, perhaps in my entire life, is this: I am not me, but I am you and those who know you. My reality is shaped and molded by everyone else. I am walking through a pitch black tunnel, with an inner-sense of direction, but depending on the walls to guide me to the end and the light.

I think I may be the extreme of this idea, being that I have no concept of a biological family. I can see what others have in it, how it makes up the entirety of who they are. Being able to identify themselves through their biology. But I am lucky, I don't have to have those bonds. My relationships are all completely based on emotional ties. However, this may not be as healthy as it seems.

Because I honestly believe, as sad as it is for me to say, that every living person on the face of this Earth should have the opportunity to see someone that shares their direct lineage. I imagine that the feelings involved in this are so strong. In fact, I have seen this in my own family. I have family members that treat my brother and I differently (less like family members) because we are adopted.

I don't blame them, I'm sure I would feel weird having someone that doesn't share these biological traits you are so used to seeing. But, my brother and I were born helpless children that were too much a burden to be raised by our parents. However--this is not a bad thing. I ended up a pretty good situation, but I always wonder if things would be different. How life might have spared me from certain things I didn't need to experience. But then, I suppose I wouldn't be here, writing this today.

So is it even relevant or useful to think about these things? I think so, it's important to understand your place in the world and what you mean to the people that mean the most to you. It's my revelation that has shown me something, I no longer exist in this ambiguity. I guess this is what I thought and this is now what I think, that I am just a product of everything. The bad people, the good people, the positive experiences and the negative experiences are my mother and father. They are my biology.

I was given birth anonymously and will, most likely, remain anonymous to most people until I die. This is my reality and this is how I exist. Now, I must understand why.

Co-sleep!

2009-12-13T14:20:00.004-06:00

I think that sleeping should be made into a group activity. Small groups, that don't snore or fuss a lot. Maybe just groups of two?

Do you ever remember laying with someone, afraid to move because the position you're in is fantastic? You don't want to wake the other person or potentially cause them to move said position, so you clench up and lay as still as possible.

It's somewhere around this point that you realize you're concentrating so hard on staying still that you're not sleeping. So you try to sleep, only to have smells, hair, and sweat somewhat complicate things.

You strategize for the most effective placement of arms, legs, hands, lips. Hopefully this movement will actually find the limit.

But then there is none, you've been awake all night but you feel the ends justify the means and judge it's success. I guess it's these sorts of things that compromise my compulsion toward realizing my dream of satisfaction.

Your hard drive just got wiped clean. This was not a pussy quick format either, but a nuclear spread reducing my data back to 0s. Good night, good Morning. Sleep well.

sick, sad, disgusting

2009-12-12T02:53:00.001-06:00

Then why are they beautiful to me?

I surf the invisible waves of information only to find that I know nothing.

Endless heaps of content, datings tips, magazine top ten lists, non-metaphorical artistry.

Where does this leave me and my talent? Alone on an island made only for a few.

We try to show you the biggest picture, the life that is to big to avoid, but it's everything that you need to know.

Murder has become a past-time, it's as fun as it can be.

The world that we all dread is now upon us.

Do you think that the man who ran into blazing infernos, small bits of metal and dirt flying around his head, knew that he was dying for a lie? My patriotism tells me I should fight for what I know to be right. But my mind tells me that I should just give up and give in, because life is much too large to conquer.

I hope things change soon. If they don't all I have left is self-sacrifice. However, to sacrifice yourself means you must believe (and you must believe that others believe) that your life is worth something.

When we live in a world where setting yourself on fire would not change a thing. This is disgusting.

Newton said that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

But, is there an equal and opposite abreaction for every trauma?

Possibly. If so, this is mine.