A Caribbean Dream Deffered...

Underneath a libel washes the motorway.

2012-05-18T15:36:00.001-07:00

Fire Under My Ass

2012-04-23T00:08:00.001-07:00

So I haven't been posting like I intended. I'm annoyed with myself for that. Working overtime, trying to keep up with school, working more overtime and other challenges have just kept me away. I've been having a lot of issues with getting sleep and to be honest it's starting to show. My eyes are already huge and dark circles and bags do not look good on me.

Updates within the last few weeks include roadblocks, created by non other than myself. I have this very bad habit of snacking on non Medifast foods... Nature Valley Granola, Apple Jacks, Green Tea that's a little on the sweet side and all sorts of crap. A few weeks ago my boyfriend went away for a week and I missed him so bad that I ended up eating three Haagen Daz Cookies and Cream Bars within a 24hr. period! I consider myself the pitts!! Is this an excuse? Hell no, it's just an honest representation of the shit that I do, that I know I shouldn't.

Fortunately for me, I haven't gained, but my weightlos is slow, averaging about 2lbs a week. Imagine what could happen if I didn't eat off plan food.
I've heard from a few people that the difference can be seen in my neck, my double chin is gone (didn't even notice I had one) and my arms look a little smaller. My complaint, well not really a complaint is that I don't see any type of change. Now, I know based on my scale that I've lost at least 20lbs. I am certainly not complaining because I know that the weight is coming off even with my cheating. I know that there's also a high probability that even more would come of if I stick to the plan 100%. But I'm guessing my problem lies in the fact that I didn't realize just how weight I had gained.

Yesterday morning my boyfriend told me that he's happy for me and he can tell that I'm trying harder to not cheat. He's going to push me and treat me like a child until it becomes second nature. We have had lots of conversations where he praises me and tells me how good I'm looking and he's so excited for me. My attitude has just been ho-hum because my tank of a stomach is still occupying the front of me. I know it won't go away over night but I'm patiently waiting for the progress, I just don't see it yet.
So, Mr. decided to send me a picture of myself that was taken on a trip to the doctor last year October. When I opened the picture I couldn't wait to go home and kick his ass for even keeping it. I looked like someone stuck an airhose up my ass and aired me up just before I reached the peak of popping. Oh my God! When I got home he showed me some other pictures where you can tell that I was bigger (it shows in my face). I was mortified to say the least. Talk about fire under my ass to fly straight. As much as I wanted to cry, I appreciated it in a weird sense. I guess that opened the door for him to make fun of my weight and tell me, "Now that, was the really Chunki Munchi."

So, here's to trying even harder to stay on plan, getting in more exercise (walking isn't so bad) and finding more time for me. I'm lucky to still be losing while eating non plan foods. I don't want to be taking those risks anymore, nor do I suggest that anyone else try.

Toy

Almost Time for My Second Order

2012-03-25T02:06:00.000-07:00

With less than two weeks before the end of the month, I'm constantly rearranging, adding and deleting, and trying to make sure that I order something that I'm supposed to like. What's more interesting is that I've added all three flavors, the chocolate chip, the spiced and the original. I would have never thought that I would've began to like them. After being able to use the lite Laughing Cow creamy swiss, that has made all the difference.

I have finished the banana and strawberry cream shakes. The more I drink them I am able to tolerate them but I definitely wouldn't be ordering them again. My order will have just the french vanilla, dutch chocolate and swiss mocha as cold drinks. My hot drinks will include the chai latte and the capuccino. I the hot chocolate was okay in the beginning however, I'm not feeling it anymore.

I've nixed both the chicken noodle and the chicken and wild rice, opting for the cream of broccoli and and cream of chicken. I have learned that it is best to prepare these soups in advance. The vegetables and chicken become a little more moist and tender versus being uncomfortably crunchy, and the flavors are a littel bit brighter.

I'm trying the vanilla and chocolate puddings along with the coffee softserve, I think. I've nixed the chocolate mint stuff, no bars or soft serve. It's just not for me. I'm trying the caramel crunch, the strawberry and the s'more bars. I'm getting one more box of apple cinnamon oatmeal and I'll be trying the peach.

Getting it in...
Toy

People Say the Darnest Things...

2012-03-22T23:52:00.002-07:00

Two days ago I went walking up the hill towards my apartment. On the way down I found myself wondering, “What in the world did I do to deserve this?” It was pretty challenging. I had to keep reminding myself of why I’m doing this. I don’t want to be fat anymore. That’s the bottom line. As I walked up the hill, my legs burned, there was a pain in my side I felt like I wanted to die, cry, and throw myself down, anything to not have to walk up this hill. Thirty minutes later, I was at the top of the hill. Thinking that I was going to go to sleep I went home to wind down. Minutes later I was on the street running errands. I did not sleep a wink. I went to work and was up all night like I took some uppers.

I must say that it felt pretty good after it was all said and done. The squad that I work with are all now on this weight loss challenge at work. We decided that we’ll go walking several times a week. I also have a cousin on the TSFL plan and I committed to go walking with her too. I’m pretty sure that there will be days when I end up walking or doing some other form of exercise twice. I guess it’s okay, I’ll do what I have to do and more exercise will be better for me. I just hope that I’m able to get some sleep in addition to all the other things that I have going on.

Now today, once again I couldn’t sleep. I got in and out of bed so many times that I was getting annoyed with myself and decided to go do the laundry. I got in two loads and on my way back to my apartment for the third I ran into an older lady. The conversation goes like this;

Old Lady: Miss are you doing your laundry?

Me: Yes I am, but there is one washer available.

Old Lady: So, will you be using the machines again?

Me: After this last load in the washer no.

Old Lady: Have you lived here all the time?

Me: Yes, I’ve been living here all the time. I pass you downstairs almost every morning.

Old Lady: I don’t recall, but you’re gaining a lot of weight.

…….

Now, I was so offended, and maybe I should’ve told her. This really hurt, especially after losing ten pounds in three weeks. I went back to my apartment and shed tears. I was so hurt. If you don’t remember me, why include that I’m gaining weight? It was so off the wall that I really regret not telling her to kiss my ass.

Thank God for my boyfriend who spent the rest of the day reminding me of all the reasons that he fell in love with me. Even those made me cry. I just can’t fathom or understand why people choose weight as the first thing to comment on. Then if my attitude changes towards her and I no longer say anything I become a bad person.

It’s more motivation to reach goal.

Toy

I am Feeling Great...

2012-03-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

I am feeling so good right about now I just had to document it.
I have the best mother in the world and every time I talk to her my day just gets better. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I'm just so in love with my mother right now.
My boyfriend and I have also been spending a lot more time together and I just get the feeling like I'm falling head over heels in love all over again. He makes me feel so pretty and special. Our busy work schedules have always just prevented us from having quality time.

I'm just feeling a little extra blessed to have such wonderful and supportive people in my life.
Another thing that I'm happy about is that I passed one of my online courses with a very high grade after falling three weeks behind and struggling like mad to catch up. I take courses at Capella University Online. The classes are good but with a busy schedule like mine it's easy to fall behind and hard as nails to catch up.

Yesterday, I succeeded in drinking half my body weight in water. I drank 7 bottles of 16.9oz. bottles and I felt awesome. I was a little sea sick but I'm hoping I can get over that and drink even more! I haven't lost my goal of ten as yet but hopefully I'll see something by Thursday.

The original goal was to do a video each day but I noticed that it is an unrealistic goal for me with all that I have going on. I'm committing to doing a video each month versus having a - week 1 - 7 etc, video. I just can't do that right now. I need to weed out some of the unnecessary things that I'm doing so that I can be more productive.

Well that's just my two cents for now... until later!

I got that feeling ;)
Toy

Sink or Swim...

2012-03-18T02:36:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a matter of weeks before I was last able to blog about anything of substance. For starters, I am still doing TSFL. I guess I now have no choice but to count the first two weerks as a trial and error period. I did manage to lose a few pounds, seven to be exact but with Mother Nature around I have put back on three.

I'm doing a lot better than I originally thought and I'm learning to love some of the things that I said that I didn't like, except the fruit punch drink! I have been drinking the banana creme and the strawberry shake, trying to get rid of them and guess what? I can now tolerate them. Weird right? Don't get me wrong, I will not be ordering them again but they are not as bad as when I first tried them. Now the pancakes... I have had them for the past three days in a row. I added one tsp. of baking powder, 2 tsp. of cinnamon, 1 tsp. of vanilla and just a tad less water than the recipe calls for. I let the batter sit for a minute or two until it comes to a thicker consistency. I then spray my warm pan with some Pam and prepare two cakes like I would normal ones. Now, if left plain they will just taste like a cinnamon version of the same pancakes that I can't stand. The good part about it now is that I found out that Laughing Cow Cheese is considered a 'healthy fat' and I can use the light version as a condiment. I use one wedge to spread the delicious goodness over each pancake and dig in, bottle of water right next to my plate. Sadly, I have been having it with two slivers of avocado. I really thought that I was doing myself a favor by learning to love the pancakes and having avocado with it. Not!! Avocado is strictly off limits on this plan. Too bad I found out after I had it for three days in a row. I was so depressed. I felt like I'll never get out of the 250's ;(.

I have been so busy with school that it just added to my slip ups and fall downs. Since day one I have had quite a few that I'm recovering (no longer crying and beating myself up over) from;

1. Accidental chicken nuggets (It was the second day into the plan and I forgot that I was taking on new habits).
2. Not eating all five mandatory meals (I work the night shift, I missed my last two meals because I slept through).
3. Not drinking enough water (I am not an avid water person, unless I'm showering).
4. Having a colada w/out alcohol (One for a birthday party, the other three days later at breakfast).
5. Eating such a large egg omlette as a lean and green (See, the colada I had for breakfast).
6. Having Girl Scout cookies - thin mints ;(.
7. Eating a slice and a half of pepperoni pizza (This was pure greed, I shot myself in the foot. Tummy hurt all night).
8. Eating dumplings and avocado (I am a Caribbean Princess, I thought this was a divine right).

Today is now day 18 and the progress I could've made will have to be made up by the end of the month. I realized that the last two weeks I did not giving it my all and temptation was leaning on my door bell the whole time. I know that the plan works because my feet haven't been swelling as much and I am not so as achy. The initial headaches have gone and my tummy rumbles sometimes so I think it's my body restting itself for the plan.

My PROBLEM is that I know what the possibilities are for everyone but myself. I always expect to get mundane results when it comes to me and with everyone else I was so accustomed to helping them achieve their goals. The new year started and I have had to cut ties from many things and people. I'm owning my mistakes for the past 17 days and recommitting myself to becomming a healthier, happier, sexier me.

Lastly, I know this post is borinly long, the picture above is what my boyfrind/bestfried wrote on a note that I had on the refriderator. I was about to leave for work at 11:40pm and went to get a bottle of water. What I saw brought me to tears and I was instantly uplifted, feeling a sense of motivation and affection that I haven't felt in a while. My sweetheart believed in me, it's about damn time I started believing in myself. I'm not going to sink, but I'll be damned if I live on an island and don't swim.

Learning to Swim,
Toy

Three New Exercises That Flatten Your Belly

2012-03-17T12:10:00.001-07:00

March 17th, 2012 -- Three New Exercises That Flatten Your Belly

I haven't tried this yet but I'm sure it will be useful to me shortly.

Not Gone or Forgotten

2012-03-15T23:56:00.001-07:00

Hey Bloggers! I am deeply annoyed that I haven't been able to blog for the past few days. It's been way too long! But, I promise that I'll get right back on it as soon as this last few days of this difficult online course has passed. Toy :)

Push. Until. Something. Happens.

2012-03-05T23:34:00.000-08:00

So yesterday's day five was a good day as far as the meals are concerned. Well, not quite. I had a grilled chicken salad for my lean and green, chicken and wild rice soup (I'm wondering if that's why my skin is itching), apple and cinnamon oatmeal, southwest style eggs, strawberry shake, and a banana pudding. Once again, I will say that some of these would not make it to my reorder list. Last night after eating the chicken and wild rice soup my skin started to itch. I was really uncomfortable. I'm not sure if something in it was the cause. I'm not allergic to much. The southwest style eggs are not gross, they are tolerable only until the box finishes. The strawberry shake is also not going to make it to the next round. I was also pretty energetic at work last night with the help of a green tea and lemon flavor infuser.

The depressing part of the day came when I stepped on the scale. I know that I said I wasn't going to weigh until 15th but the scale called out to me. I have not lost a single pound. The scale actually says that I've gained (.2) bringing me up to 266.4lbs when I started at 266.2. I felt like a train that ran off its tracks. I wanted to cry, scream and throw the rest of my meals through the window and jump out right behind of it. My first few days were rocky indeed but I guess with five days into the program I thought that I would've lost at least two pounds on the scale. I felt so discouraged.

I had to call my buddy Jewel to vent. In the end I went to bed with a headache. I woke up and went back on the damn scale just to see if it was a dream and the display showed 264.4 What the hell ever! I'm trying really hard to stay positive, Iwasnt expecting to be feeling so defeated less than a week into my journey. I had to go on YouTube to watch inspirational videos all over again.

With that day now in the past, I decided that I'm going Push Until Something Happens. I started today with a dutch chocolate shake and I must say, that is the best liquid drink besides the hot cocoa that I like. Those will definitely go on my next order. Right now I'm having a chicken noodle soup as my job environment can be very cold when I'm on the night shift. I still this soupd could use a bouillon cube.

I'm going to keep on pushing and if you like me, you should keep pushing too. If you've been there then what the heck, pull me along ;)
Toy

I Survied Day Four :)

2012-03-04T23:04:00.002-08:00

I'd like to put it out there that I didn't cheat at all today. I am so excited by the fact that I stuck to the plan without having any urges and weaknesses. Today was also my third attempt at a brownie and it came out perfect. The first attempt I thought that if I added a little bit more water I would get a fluffy, cake type brownie. FAIL! The second time I added a little less water and the thing still turned out like paste. That's not even the bad part. I still ate it, every pasty drop of it. If I was thinking, I would've put it in the freezer and hoped for a frozen fudge treat. I can see me ordering a few boxes of brownies for my next order. They are really good once prepared correctly. The apple cinnamon oats are very good too. I actually put in about two ounces of extra water and leave it sit for a while, microwave it again and I have sort of a oatmeal that's drinkable in my tea cup. Trust, me, I'm not crazy.

The one meal that I really can't stand is the pancakes. I even watched an interesting video on YouTube where a the pancake batter was microwaved three times at 20 second intervals. The first time I tried it, it was just a bubbling foam. Obviously I wasn't going to eat that. The second time around, I used less water and the texture was basically a mixture of paste and dough. Well, sadly, I sucked it up and ate it while holding my breath. That was a long five minutes. I don't think I will ever, ever ever, order those pancakes again. Seems like I've been eating paste a lot. Instead of swapping the two boxes that I have I might just make the batter with a little less water and hope it forms into cookie dough.

My "Do Not Order Again" list currently consists of the peanut butter crunch bar, the tropical fruit punch, the banana creme shake, and ofcourse those pancakes I still can't get used to the peanute butter bar and the fruit punch tastes like something went wrong at the factory. I also have the banana pudding that I was afraid of after tasting the creme shake but it's not that bad. I used water that was almost frozen to mix it and right away the consistency was almost exactly like regular pudding. I put it in a little tupperware and I'll have that before I go to bed tomorrow morning.

The chicken soups smells nice but i may have to add some bouillon cubes or Mrs. Dash as it's a little bland. I still have yet to try the rest of my shakes which are the Dutch Chocolate, French Vanilla and Strawberry. Day by day I'm also growing concerned about those darn eggs, I'll try those in the morning when I get home.

As far as the foods that I don't like, my plan is to consume those until I get rid of them. For example, I'll try each item once, put aside the ones that I like and scarf down the ones I don't. I would probably do just fruit punch and banana creme shakes until they are done. Then do the pancakes, puddings and eggs until those are gone too. I'll try the shakes the day after tomorrow and then I'll know if I have to move those up or down the line. This way, I get stronger by building self control and at the end of the month, I'll know what I love and be able to do the program without any more bumps.

Every thing else went smooth. I got in about six cups of water today, nine short of my goal. My intake is climbing each day so I believe that by the end of next week I'll be gulping like a fish.

Striving for Success...
Toy

It's not an Easy Road

2012-03-01T22:55:00.001-08:00

Well, my day yesterday was very trying. I wanted to come on and blog my frustration but I had to get some rest to come in to work tonight. The first meal I had was a Peanut Butter Crunch Bar. It wasn't the best tasting thing but I decided I'm going to start out with the ones that I would probably hate the most. The second meal was a Banana Creme Shake, good Lord, I had to make it really thick because I don't think that I would've been able to drink it as a 'thin' liquid with just water. Next up I tried the Oatmeal and Raisin, my favorite thus far. Later on I tried the Original Pancakes, I had to force myself to eat these as they were quite horrible when prepared as directed. It was after that when I lost my strength and rummaged the fridge, eating three slices of turkey bologna and a cheese stick. Counting those calories added up to a little over the amount that is usually in one meal so I skipped the fifth meal. My Lean and Green meal sucked! I prepared a meal of Broccoli Normandy and a fillet of cod. Being from the islands I prefer my food to be seasoned at least a day in advance. To say that it was tasteless is an understatement. Cod fish has a texture that is more dense than other fish. I forced myself to eat that too. :( I must admit, I screwed up on my first day. With a few tweaks I hope that today will go better. I only drank about a little bottle and a half of water which is way less than I should've. I won't rummage the fridge today, hopefully. As per my doctor I'm supposed to continue taking my Metformin pills but I'm pretty sure I'll be feeling pretty out of it when I start taking those again. Metformin has that effect that makes you feel really sick. I did get a few headaches but nothing worse than I've been having for the past few months. I decided that I will only step on the scale on Wednesdays. I'm so fearful of disappointment, no weightloss. What I did manage to do in good favor was log each meal I ate using MyFitnessPal. For some reason it has my goal calories as 1400. Today I consumed 978. After completing my meal logs for the day it reminds me that I'm coming in very low under the recommended amount. It also said that if I continue on this pattern I would lose a total of ten pounds on five weeks? I'm interested to see what the loss will be when those five weeks come to an end. My peeves today? The Medifast app seems to be reminding me about meals every four hours vs. three. Maybe I can't count. Currently I'm pretending to enjoy the Chicken Noodle soup. It's not too bad but it could use a bouillon cube or four. I keep reminding myself of the reason I'm doing this. I keep saying I can't quit or give up. I keep seeing myself wearing the clothes that I wore years ago, when I loved my body. A dream deferred? Singing out... Toy :)

Last Day Before My Big Journey

2012-02-29T14:36:00.000-08:00

Pardon my appearance. I'm tired as hell, my camera sucks and I need a perm... And so what? So I decided that I'm going to start on the first of the month. I'm hoping to have a reason to celebrate a milestone at the first of every month rather than just looking forward to paying to rent. In this video, I talk about how nervous I am and some of the things that I'm going to miss. I'm about to go start separating my boxes into days so that I don't have to go digging every time I'm hungry.

My only concern is that I'm starting on the first but just a day later I'll be on the 12:00hrs to 09:00hrs shift and it may prove a little difficult to me in the beginning.

The quality of the webcam is highly unacceptable. Makes me feel a little less pretty. I'm hoping that I'll conquer that in a few. I may try to get a better, updated or use my Kodak camera to film. Bare with me in the meantime... and be nice.

Toy.. :)

Getting Ready to Roll...

2012-02-25T16:27:00.001-08:00

In the next few days I’ll be mentally preparing to start Medifast. I have spent a year thinking about it and I think that the time is right. I’ve gained 17 pounds since this exact time last year. My reasons for wanting to do it mainly fall along the lines of me being tired of being sick and tired of being fat. I despise having to constantly smile like it doesn’t bother me when people comment on my weight. Being from the islands, it happens as soon as I step out of my door. I’m surpised that my reflection doesn’t have much to say.

I’ve searched on YouTube, different blogs and many different venues for results that could persuade me. I have seen a handful of success stories and let me tell you, seeing it on the internet is nothing like seeing it in person. The only thing that bothered me about online research was it was easy to see before and after but I never saw much of what took place in between. I never heard about the struggles as the weeks go by. I’m looking for the reality of it. This is what prompted me to start setting up my blog… well that and the fact that I need somewhere to vent and get my other frustrations out. If all goes well I plan to do weekly updates and even a video or two. I’m camera shy so try not to laugh at my pictures.

Wishing myself luck on this journey, a wish or two from you would be helpful too. :)