The first day of the rest of my life

Been a while

2016-11-09T15:57:00.002-08:00

Hard to believe but I'm still here seeing as I haven't blogged in a while. Life has been so busy this past year that I just haven't felt the need to blog and just been enjoying myself.

So much has changed. I'm happier, less stressed. I've cut back on work and moved in with partner of 1 year. Reduced my travel time to work and went on an amazing trip to Japan.

In many ways I am in a completely different spot to last year.

And yet I'm still fat.

This is what has been bugging me lately. I'm happier, less stressed, eating better and I'm still fat. It's very frustrating.

As this is now the one thing I don't have 'right' in my life, it's come to the forefront a lot lately. I tried the gym for a short while, and as much as I love a good workout and feeling sweaty and strong, I just didn't enjoy it enough to stay consistent. I get bored really easily and don't know enough different exercises to change it up.

You could take that as an excuse if you like. But I'm trying to find something I can stick with long term, which means finding something I enjoy enough to keep going. So I cancelled the gym and have been focusing on walking the dog before and after work, which is something I enjoy and find really meditative. I feel alert when I get to work in the morning and helps me wind down in the evening.

I've also started the 30 day squat challenge and another one for abs. Which I find simple enough and easy enough to fit in each day at home. I think I'll look for some more challenges once I've finished these.

On top of this I'm looking into a PT once a week to help kick off the weight loss, and some classes that I can take with my partner which we'll enjoy and count as spending time together. So far looking at dancing classes, martial arts or some kind of sport.

While doing these I'm just focusing on enjoying life and trying to eat as well as I can.

What's new with you?

Back to Basics

2016-01-04T16:24:00.002-08:00

Long time no see.

I've been busy with developing in my new role, buying things for the house, having a social life and of course trying new things to see what works for me and my health.

So far the results are good. I am far more relaxed and energised than ever before. Learning to rest when I need and take time for me has been a crucial thing for me. I get burnt out so easily otherwise with my irregular hours.

I feel like I have reset my eating habits. Snacking less, if at all, and reduced my junk and take away foods. Sticking with simpler foods that fill me up, that don't come from a packet and are easy to prep is key to this.

I have lost 5 kgs so far in a space of a few months. Not bad. A part of me says I could do better, but another part of me is happy I'm not dropping quickly as it means it is more manageable and less likely to quickly gain it all. This is a long term thing.

I start training this week so that should also impact on my weight loss as well.

My goals for 2016 are:

First step of weight loss: lose 4 kilos. This would then put me under 100 and mean I've lost almost 10 kilos. After this I want to lose 20kilos, bringing me to 79 kilos. From here I think I will see how I feel and whether I think I need to lose more weight.

Wealth: Save $$ for my mortgage

Travel: Go camping and go to Japan in August

House: look at finishing steps so that I can rent it out next year.

Happy New Year and bring on 2016!

Just an update

2015-04-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Not that anyone reads this blog but I just felt like writing something about where I'm at lately.

Still trying to eat more intuitively. And finding that in general I think I am eating less and healthier. Obviously there are times where this goes out the window, but for the most part I am eating far less than I used to. And enjoying it. And feeling satisfied afterwards. Which is great.

The not so great part is the times when I am not eating properly and not feeling motivated to exercise as much as I should. So time to change that!

So I am looking at going back to PT twice a week as I need someone to motivate me and help me push myself. I have also bought myself some roller skates. Random I know. But I have never roller skated and always wanted to, plus it has got some great benefits for you- great for your core and legs and less impact on the knees which is fantastic for me. I'm hoping the combination of the two and my good eating will get me back on track and help me to lose the weight. So to help me I need to set some goals:

Goal 1: 4kgs
Timeframe: May 30th
Saved: $1000

Goal 2: 5Kgs
Timeframe: July 4th
Saved $1500

Goal 3: 5kgs
Timeframe: August 15th
Saved: $2500

Goal 4: 4kgs
Timeframe: September 30th
Saved : $3000

Goal 5: 3kgs
Timeframe: October 30th
Saved : $3500

Goal 6: 3kgs
Timeframe: December 20th
Saved: $4000

Goal 7: 3kgs
Timeframe: February 20th
Saved: $5000

Goal 8: 3kgs
Timeframe: April 20th
Saved: $6000

Goal Weight: 77kgs.

Cravings, portion control and in tune with my body.

2015-03-19T21:03:00.000-07:00

I touched on this briefly my last post. But I honestly feel like I have finally started feeling in tune with my body. Hard to believe, I know.

What I am talking about is the art of realising when one is full. Of knowing when you are actually hungry and when you are bored. Of sitting down and enjoying meals and not picking constantly throughout the day. Of not eating just for the sake of it being 8am, 12pm, 6pm.

I am constantly surprised by this. Mostly because I am so used to eating all the time. To be constantly looking for the next meal. To have snacks and food surround me for fear of hunger.

Now it is different. Slowly but surely I am learning to actually listen to my body. What makes it feel good, what doesn't. Coffee my warm friend in the morning, is actually becoming a turn off as the heavy weight of the milk hits my stomach and makes me feel gross. Grapes I am loving at the moment. Same with banana and peanut butter on toast (random I know, but great when I get sick of eggs or porridge).

Once upon a time I looked forward to the weekend so that I could enjoy a massive cooked breakfast ( I love eggs). Now I can't even get through the same size plate. Instead I enjoy eggs with avocado on toast. Occasionally bacon for a guilty pleasure.

Cooked chicken from the super market actually makes me feel sick.

I still enjoy 'the good stuff'. I still occasionally over eat, as I adjust my eyes to that of my stomach and learn to say, 'I'm full'. But it is slowly but surely happening.

I am also delighted that my new partner has been very supportive. Happy to encourage me to do better, but appreciating me for who I am now. It's nice to have that encouragement come from a place of love. Too many people 'mean well' but their comments hurt rather than help.

So watch this space. Maybe 2015 will be my year after all!

2015 Update- Being Normal!

2015-03-09T18:51:00.003-07:00

Been a while since I posted here. A bit has changed in my life. For starters, I am in relationship for the first time in 5 years. He also has a daughter, so my life has suddenly gotten a lot more complicated. Especially with him working away and living over an hours drive away. Suddenly I have to be a lot more careful with planning so that we can group our time together to save us from travelling so much.

But I am happy and so far most of my days have been filled with joy and sweet memories. It's a nice feeling after being alone for so long.

I am conscious however of the last time I was in a relationship and how easy it was to give up my way of eating and lifestyle and just go with the 'easy' options. Of trying to keep up with the partners eating habits and just putting on weight while they remained skinny (Men. sigh.).

But first an update on the hypnotherapy, it has been going really, really well. No longer do I feel the constant ravenous craving for chocolate or sweets. No longer do I have a constant battle in my head to resist sugar and only to cave as soon as I become to tired to resist.

Instead I am reaching for healthy foods. Or simply no longer as hungry any more. I am finding that I put more food on my plate than I can actually eat. Often half way through something I'll suddenly realise I am no longer hungry/want to eat anymore and just stop.

I have had chocolate, but it does not give me the same satisfaction that it used to. Instead I find myself disappointed and wondering why I was ever addicted.

It is a strange feeling for someone who has for most of their life constantly snacked. Constantly sought out the next meal. Constantly thinking of food. Constantly wanted chocolate. And now I'm not.

So now I am taking it as it comes and trying to not over think it and ruin what my body is doing naturally. Instead I am trying to focus on making sure I have healthy foods around me and on other things that can benefit my health like exercise, sleep and relaxation. I'm finding I know my limits a lot better now so trying to push my limits on exercise while making sure I keep well within my limits of sleep and relaxation.

I can't say that I can see progress in scales yet but I think that as my body realises this is what it is now (for good), it will slowly decrease. Really it doesn't matter as I am happy to simply not be a slave to food and be 'normal'. =)

Hynotherapy and Positive Thinking

2015-01-26T17:55:00.000-08:00

My thing at the moment is trying Hypnotherapy (Hypnosis) and one of the things that came up was the language we use- like Trying. Which implies that we have to try and that it is a struggle and there is a chance of failure. Since I got pulled up on it I've noticed that I use that language a lot with diet and exercise - 'I will try to eat well this week', 'I will try and get some exercise in today', and my favourite in response to any questions about how great I'm doing 'Yeah for now' and 'We'll see'.

To which I was pulled up on and corrected into - You will eat better today. You will exercise today. You will reach your goal weight. You will live healthier etc etc

It really highlighted to me just how much I self sabotage and don't believe in myself. And by simply not believing whole heartedly in myself I am essentially allowing myself to fail.

Every year I say, this is my year, I will do better, I will reach my goal. But then I get busy, I get tired, I get stressed and my health becomes the last thing on my list to worry about. But that is going to stop. This year is my year and the reason is because I have achieved everything I need to on my list at the moment, except my weight. I am determined to get this last thing on my list right.

I am also feeling extremely positive at the moment. Which I think is because my work schedule has finally balance, cash flow is finally happening again (building a house takes it's toll!) and because I've decided I need to focus on me and do the things I actually want to do, not what I feel obligated to do.

Anyways, saying all that, I am aware that I self sabotage myself. I know how to eat healthy, I know how to exercise, I know what to do lose weight. Yet I don't do it. Or I do it for a while then fall off the band wagon. Which is why I thought I would try Hypnotherapy and give my mind a reboot and hopefully stop myself from self sabotaging. I figure, if I've spent all that money on boot camp and it didn't work, then why not on Hypnotherapy? Especially when so many of the issues are in my head.

And if it does work, then it is definitely money well spent.

I've had one session so far and am listening to a CD once a day until my next session next week. After that we'll see how many sessions I need. In the lead up to Hypnotherapy I had already committed to eating healthier, so I was already on the right track- no chocolate, bread etc, portion sizing and eating fruit and vegetables and had done really well. This week I am committed to continuing the process and I think the hypnotherapy will help reinforce that positive attitude and self control I need.

The test will be in a months time if everything is still going along on track. Because it's not hard for me to maintain control and be healthy for weeks on end, but months? That's a whole different band wagon. But this time I will do it!

I will reach my goal weight. I will be healthier. I will live a healthy life style. I will exercise every day. I will not self sabotage myself. I will be a better me. I will be a more positive me. I will be a happier me. I will live my life.

Jumping on the band wagon

2014-11-16T21:23:00.001-08:00

So for a while now smoothies and juices have been making a splash as the new health thing to do. Almost everyone I know is doing it and I've been holding back as I wasn't sure it was something I could get into. But finally I bit the bullet and bought myself a cheap blender that makes it easy and simply with no fuss and great travel cups.

Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, it's been going really well. I just have one first thing in the morning, keep it simple with bananas, frozen berries or mango and spinach. Most of the time I mix in ice and water, sometimes I had rice milk and LSA if I know I'm on the run a bit more and need something to get me through the day.

It's taken over a week but I've noticed a huge improvement in my eating habits- less snacks, and smaller portion sizes. I think that having something so fresh and healthy to start the day helps motivate me for the rest of the day. Plus it is filling, so between that and my coffee, it gets me through to lunch time, by which I will have some healthy leftovers which usually can get me through to dinner. If not, some yoghurt or carrots are my go to snacks so far.

I have been having dessert but since finishing off my tub of ice cream I've decided to not buy anymore, same with chips etc and see how I go. Hopefully by stocking up on healthy alternatives I can cut back on my bad habits.

The good thing about the smoothies is that I know that I have already had my fruit and 1 serve of vegetables before I've even started my day. So a great way to make sure I get some vegies and fruit in before things get busy. Then I just try and eat veggies with lunch and dinner and to try and get my 2+5.

It seems to be making a difference as well. The reason I started in the first place was because I was worried I was falling off the band wagon after finishing up PT and moving out of home. But by trying to make healthy convenient and tasty things have settled down and my clothes are already fitting better again. Good to feel back in control!

Settling In: living life my way

2014-10-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

So it's been a week since I moved out of home and have been settling into my own home and way of life. All I can say is, I think this is going to work for me.

I don't know what it is, but I honestly feel like I have more time during the week, and less time over the weekend. Possibly because that's when visitors come a-calling.

Eating has been ace. I have had a bit of a wake up call on how much I actually eat. It's actually a lot less than I thought! So I have had so much leftovers this week. The upside is that I have not had to buy lunch and thus am saving money. Sunday I used up some leftover chicken and made a massive curry. Normally this would feed the family (of 4) but for me it was dinner, lunch and leftovers which I spooned into some ramekins and made pies. I wrapped these in alfoil and chucked them in the freezer for lunches during the week.

I also made some banana bread and brownies and froze half of each for another day. The rest were devoured by all my guests on the weekend. Which I am grateful for. Less for me to graze on!

One thing I am prone to, is to snack on unhealthy foods when bored. So once I finish off the unhealthy stuff in the cupboard I am determined not to buy more and just focus on fruit and other healthy snacks.

My diet during the week at work has very much been: Porridge with full cream milk and small sprinkling of cinnamon and brown sugar. Fruit for morning tea- usually a couple of apples or a punnet of strawberries. Left overs for lunch and another snack in the afternoon. I am trying to work it that I just drink tea or coffee instead of snacks in the afternoon and really pack my dinners and lunches with as much veggies as possible. Trying!

My diet is all about trying to find something that works for me and my budget. Fills me up. Is easy. And also is as nutritionally dense as possible. So a lot of home cooking and vegies and fruit. So far it's going well and I am excited to try some new things and work in veggies in a more imaginative way. I really do love being creative and cooking is definitely a passion of mine. The upside of living out of home is that there is less work to be done, and I don't need to cater for everyone's tastes, so I can make stuff that I want and eat. Winning!

Lot's to do this week, heaps of stuff that I need to get sorted with the house and still trying to get into a routine with exercise etc. I thought mornings might have been the way to go, but I think I like the idea of going for a nice walk at the end of the day to clear my head before coming back and getting into the kitchen for dinner. We'll see.

All I can say, is that while I haven't been exercising as much as I used to, I don't feel heavy/bloated like I used to and actually have a bit of energy. I have noticed a slight gain around the hips, but I'm hoping that as I really concentrate on my diet and upping my exercise I can get rid of that and get back to losing weight. Wish me luck!

Overhaul: All by myself

2014-10-08T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I officially moved out on Friday. And simultaneously was excited to finally take my health into my own hands, while also wondering how I was going to afford everything.

Because I now have a house and mortgage to pay. All by myself. On my small wage with a charity organisation. And of course not living out of home before, I did not have all those things that people have when they live out of home. Plus there is all the other things, the added extras that you need to pay, such as painting, rates, fans, gardening and retic and air conditioning etc

All by myself.

Anyways, as you can imagine my brain is in overload right now. Especially with all the things I need to organise. Summer is only a couple of months here and I would ideally like some air conditioning before then... but that could take a while to save up, should I not just get TV and some fans instead??

Plus food, and exercise. So far I have a been a bit busy and too tired to exercise but I hope to start going for walks/jogs around the neighbourhood soon. Just need to settle in and unpack a few things first.

Food has been good. I've been wanting to experiment with being more vegetarian for a while, so decided now was the perfect chance to. So that's what I've been doing so far. Plus I made a batch of soup and put it in the freezer in preparation of those days when I won't want to cook. So proud of myself!

Knowing that finances is going to be difficult for a while means that I'm trying to plan ahead and think of ways I can shop better and make food last longer. Left overs for lunches and meals in the freezer so I don't resort to buying expensive take-away for instance. Plus selling off a few things that I don't need for some spare cash.

It's going to be a long haul, and very hard for me to hold back and not want to get everything sorted RIGHT NOW. Rather than wait until next week when I know how much money I have. But hey, I think I can do it. I am quite ambitious after all and have no problem with not having a social life for while.

I'm hoping with the combination of smaller meals, more vegetables and healthier foods, plus the introduction of walking/jogging most days I can get back onto the band wagon and stop the creeping kilos. It's been a few months since I stopped PT and I miss it, and feel like I've put on 1-2kgs. Possibly it's just a lack of muscle, but I don't want to take the chance of it being a long term thing.

Once I've settled in and got some expensive items out of the way, I'll look into the possibility of dance classes or something to up the ante.

But here's cheers to learning how to live thrifty, and healthy, all by myself.

This weekend was glorious

2014-08-11T00:08:00.000-07:00

I had an amazing weekend. I managed to get done pretty much everything I meant to, did some great relaxing activities, caught up with friends, spent time in the sunshine and even baked!

I painted, I read, I watched movies, I did the cleaning, ironing and even managed to fit in a few walks with the dog.

It left me feeling relaxed, satisfied and proud. I didn't feel stressed, or that I didn't make the most of my weekend. I embraced it and enjoyed it and had plenty of downtime to boot.

It's coming back to priorities and what really makes me happy. Do I really want to spend all weekend eating junk food and watching movies? Does that make me happy? Leave me feeling satisfied? Or does it make me feel bad about myself, make me feel like I've wasted my weekend and created a binging cycle where I hate myself even more for the way I look.

I've started identifying the things that really make me happy and making sure I include these in my weekend. Sure I may have to work, or do some chores around the house, or do some of those mundane things. But the key is to make sure I block out some 'me' time. And not just wait for it to happen, but be proactive about it and make sure it happens and include things I really want to do.

And what do I really want to do? Spend time outdoors in the sun. Play with my dog. Talk with friends. Enjoy a good coffee. Be pampered. Explore around me.

I don't want to be sick, tired, sore and watch life pass me by. That is not what I want to be like.

Sure some people might say that I'm watching life pass me by because I don't go out on a Saturday night. But if going out, getting dressed up, being splilt drinks on, coming home, tired, seedy and gross is what entails going out and living life, then I am happy to pass that opportunity up. Life is what we make of it, not what our friends or peers do. Do what you enjoy, not what everyone else enjoys. Otherwise you'll only have regrets.

Confidence; Do you have it and how do you show it?

2014-08-07T22:55:00.000-07:00

I read a blog today where the author writes 10 things that she would like the confidence to do, a bucket list for confident activities.

It made me think about what makes us seem confident, and what we consider an activity that confident people do.

One of the items on the list was walking with eyes and head up right. Not downcast.

Now I am a confident person. I am confident in my abilities, my strengths, my weaknesses, I am confident that I know who I am and what I am capable of, and that it is not related to my body. Mostly. So for me, walking eyes up front is not something I would consider as being on my bucket list. I do it most days.

I think it also comes back to the philosophy of facing things head on- shoulders up, back straight and face your fears. I am the sort of person who realises my flaws and tries to work on them. To show that I am more than my fears and eventually overcomes them. For example; as an introvert, I hate crowds of random people and struggle to start a conversation. So one night I went out on the town by myself, went to a bar, sat down and tried to make a conversation with some randoms. It was a great night and it made me feel so much more confident in myself and my abilities.

Another lady mentioned that they wish they could wear a bikini in public. I actually did this in summer. Originally I had a t-shirt on over the top but it was annoying and baggy and was going to take my forever to get dry. So I was like you know what, I don't give a damn, and took it off. And swam and had a ball and even got a few glances from some males. No one glared or looked away disgusted. No one got up and left or looked me up and down as if to say 'you're wearing that?'. It was just another reminder to me, which is happening more and more, that for everyone person who bullies and bashes being chubby there are so many more who don't care. Who have family, friends, partners, colleagues who look like I do and all they really want is for you to be happy and get on with life.

It's heartening, encouraging and inspiring.

So what do I want the confidence to be able to do? I want the confidence to wear sexy clothing and not worry about my cellulite or stretchmarks or saggy belly (damn you weight loss!). I want the confidence to look someone in the eye and say 'Fuck you, I am beautiful too'. I want the confidence to be myself without having to worry about what people think, without worrying that I need to justify myself. I want the confidence to jog down the street and puff and pant and simply relish being able to run, not worry about the people will be looking at everything 'jiggling'.

Simple things, but important ones to me. So what does confidence mean to you?

Brain dump.

2014-08-06T17:55:00.001-07:00

It's a great feeling to know that despite stopping my PT training, I have not gone off track. Well I did, for a couple of weeks (I was also sick) and am now back into it. I think for me it is all about routine. And deceiving myself into thinking I have 'options'. I eat porridge for breakfast every day, it took me a while to get into the habit, but now that it's ingrained I no longer have to think about what I'm going to have in the morning and thus open myself up to all the bad choices I could make. However I do allow myself to occasionally have a bacon and egg sandwich from my fav café every once in a while. This way I feel like I can still have my bad foods- but the difference is that it is quality bad food. Not a Macca's breakfast but a gourmet sandwich. So I feel like I am indulging and it makes it worth it. But it also a little out of the way, so it has to be worth it going there and not just driving on auto pilot to work every day.

Anyways, I do similar 'tricks' for the rest of my meals. So that I feel like I can have variety if I really want it and it won't derail me.

Now that I have stopped my PT though, I woke up one morning in a panic worrying that I couldn't fit into my pants anymore because I had gained weight. I was scared that I was slipping. And that's when I knew I could not let that happen. So right now I am concentrating on sleeping properly- a big one for me as I make bad choices when tired- and getting into an exercise routine. For me I need to make a choice and stick with it and eventually it just becomes ingrained. The key is to realise that you do have enough time to do something, you just have to realise your priorities. TV and reading when I get home, are not a priority. Exercise is, then getting ready for the next day, then I can chill out. And feel good about it too. Not feel guilty and look out the window or look at my gut and think I should have done something.. but I didn't. I don't want those feelings anymore, so I'm working hard to make sure they don't happen.

So far so good. It's been almost 2 weeks and I haven't skipped a day of walking. I've even started extending the walks, going up hills, or jogging for parts of it, so that it is more of a work out and to increase the variety. Needless to say my dog is very happy, he is loving all the exploring we are doing.

Today is the test though. It is cold and wet outside. So far I feel like I am capable of going for a walk in the rain, I'll just make sure I am rugged up. But when I get home tired and cold, will I feel the same way? Probably. But you know what? I'm going to go anyway. Because sometimes a little bit of hardwork goes a long way, and in this case I need to keep moving forward not backwards!

I have not lost more weight, but I haven't gained anything substantially either. I feel that if I keep in this direction I will be ok. I will just keep adding things into my workouts to keep me going until I reach the right point for weight loss. And really, I'm happier right now. I feel like a weight has shifted in my mind about my body, about how to look after it and exercise in general. I feel like if I was just a bit more toned (who doesn't want to be toned??) then I would be happy with my size. Because I am happy and I am healthy, and isn't that the main thing??

Jogging- It's a big deal

2014-07-15T22:04:00.000-07:00

So since not having a PT anymore, I've started looking into my exercise options. At the moment I am mostly walking and concentrating on health (still not 100%). However I know that if I leave it too long then I will get into the habit of NOT exercising and possibly fall back into other old bad habits.

I have never been a runner. But I have always admired people who were. It just seems like an easy free and freeing exercise. Much like cycling. Except that cycling in Australia you need a helmet for and also ride next to crazy drivers, which does not appeal to me at all.

Anyways yesterday I took the dog for a walk and decided, you know what? I'm going to try a jog most of the way to my (new) house which is a couple of blocks from where I am now. To my surprise, I actually could jog most of the way there and I also wasn't out of breathe so much as sore from using long unused muscles.

This was both surprising and heartening. I have always struggled with my breathing and it has always deterred me from taking up a few sports.

But maybe I am getting past that? Maybe jogging/running is something I can do after all?

I'm trying not to think too much about it and pressure myself into doing something that I might regret or end up hating. But I would like to give it a crack and see how I go. Maybe one day I'll be able to jog to and from my new house to the old? Maybe I'll be able to be one of those people who happily goes for a jog after work? Who knows. Time will tell.

Moving in a new direction

2014-07-10T18:36:00.000-07:00

So I have not been posting so much on here lately. Mostly because I have recently discovered instagram and the amazing community of body positivity on there.

I am a huge believer in body positivity. I believe that no matter what size or shape you are that you should be able to feel good about yourself. Not depressed, not deprived, not angry or disgusted. These negative emotions do not help someone to lose weight or make a difference in their lives, instead they lead to more eating and drinking, drugs or suicidal thoughts. Making someone feel bad about how they live their life does not achieve anything except perhaps to make you feel better about how you live yours.

That does not mean I support being unhealthy, overweight and lack of exercise. But I am more accepting that there are people out there that do eat well and look after themselves that do not fit into the standard shape or weight range. Perhaps they have just started their good health journey, or perhaps that is just what their body looks like, or perhaps that is what they are happy with looking like? Who am I to judge. I am not a doctor, nutritionist or personal trainer.

Anyways, back to my own personal troubles. I have been in a bit of a slump, however I am slowly but surely coming back out of it. It was a combination of a few things, being really unwell, stressed and exhausted had a lot to do with it. Basically I had pushed myself too far with work and it had taken it's toll. At the same time my PT made the decision to go back to full time work in order to get the bank loan she needed for her house. Which means two things a) I have more money now that I am not doing PT and b) that I need to find some sort of physical activity to do.

I've been taking it slow as I really just wanted to get my health back and to prove to myself that I wouldn't fall off the band wagon just because I wasn't doing PT and having someone look over my shoulder. I did binge a little, but I have regrouped and am pulling myself back again. Key to this as always is preparation. The more meals I plan in advance the less thinking I have to do and the less chance I have of making decisions that I later regret. So far so good.

Right now I am focusing on finding healthier alternatives to satisfy my sweet tooth and looking into new physical activities to try- dancing or martial arts perhaps. But it is nice to know that after 3 years I am finally in control of my life and that even when I fall off the band wagon it is not for long. I just pick myself up and dust myself off and start again :)

Been a while

2014-04-22T00:52:00.001-07:00

So it's been a while since my last post. A lot has been going on, with work and personal life and all those things that creep up on you.

In my last post I went on about how I needed to adjust my diet and really get of the carb wagon.

Since then I went quite seriously off carbs for a few weeks and then life got in the way and I went away and it became hard to control my food intake. BUT I have not gone back to what I was before and am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things.

The reason being is that I noticed such a big difference in how I felt during those weeks, and also in how my stomach and intestine felt, and really noticed a difference in my energy levels as well.

I am still not eating too much gluten, trying to avoid it but for the occasional toast or sandwich, same with my dairy, and I am still reaping the benefits inside. Just not as much as before.

Other than that everything has been on track. I have had some incredibly stressful moments over the last few months but they have come to pass now, so it's time to take a moment for myself and really get back to being the healthiest and most rested I can be.

Key to getting through these moments have been in taking time out to paint, or draw, or to simply duck down to the beach or away for a picnic. Actually embracing the moment and getting outside is really beneficial to my moods and stress levels. I feel like I've actually achieved something and gotten away from things, even if only for a short while.

Another big moment happened a few weeks ago, a friend of mine and myself decided to join in the Perth skinny dip to try and crack the Guinness book of records and to also raise awareness and funds for those with eating disorders and mental illness. It was a fantastic event and I am so proud that we did something like that. It was actually a lot easier than I thought it would be, but still such a huge achievement to be able to show my my bare body to so many people.

Such a big part of how happy we are is on the inside, inside our heads, not just the way we look on the outside of the number on the scale and it's important to acknowledge that and work on our own self worth and appreciation long before we make our goal weight.

2014, My Year, My Way.

2014-02-20T16:36:00.000-08:00

So I have been training for quite a while now, almost 2 years now. Yet I probably only shifted 15kgs and am still struggling with running the stairs on Thursday afternoons.

In comparisons one of the girls who started 6 months before me has lost 35kgs and is running loops around the rest of us.

The difference? Diet.

I have been touching on this again and again, my diet is my weakness. And it is costing me.

I keep thinking that if I trained hard enough I am doing enough to change my body. I keep thinking that I am tired and stressed and don't have the will power to stick with a strict diet.

I keep thinking that I can get away with still eating a block of chocolate or a bag of chips (every now and then).

Sure, my diet has been improving, I have cut out most junk food and bad foods. But I cave as soon as the going gets tough and still have a lot of things that probably aren't good for me.

Last night I was comparing myself and this other girl and realised that the only real difference is me. My inability, my weakness to let go of my old life and foods and to really change my lifestyle and nutrition.

It means putting more time and effort into my food choices. It will mean more grocery shopping and prepping and planning to stay on track. But in the end I wil be better for it and perhaps I can finally move on from the 99kg mark and get down to 80kgs (my goal).

The biggest thing I am concentrating on is not eating so much carbs. I am not cutting out carbs completely, but I think by reducing my bread (especially) in take, I will force myself to look to more nutritional sources of food to fill me up; such as beans, vegies or fruit.

I am going to create a reward sheet and track how many days I can stick to it, I just need to think of something really good to reward myself with so I can stick with it!

I will also start training more. So many of the girls try to fit in more workouts when they can, I need and can do that too. I just need to suck it up and realise that I am in this for the long haul and if I really wanted to be a size 12/14, then I would make the changes I needed to make.

If I really want to be healthy, if I really wanted to change, I will do this for myself.

Wish me luck!

The benefits of losing weight- shopping!

2014-02-05T18:25:00.001-08:00

I had forgotten how good it feels to be able to fit into smaller clothes. To see something nice in a shop and think, oh that looks like it will fit- and it does.

I had forgotten how much I avoid certain shops, because their clothes were on the smaller side.

I had forgotten how much I relied on stretchy fabric and flowing designs to hide my figure.

Yesterday reminded me how much I had changed.

Yesterday I was looking in Myer and killing some time when I happened to be walking through Cue and noticed some stunning dresses. Dresses that I would not have looked at before this journey. Dresses that I still thought I probably wouldn't fit into- even if it said a size 16!

Anyways, I decided to try it on. What the hell. If it didn't fit then at least that was motivation to continue on my journey.

They didn't have a 16, only a 14. And this was not a stretchy fabric or loose dress. This was fitted around the boobs and waist before flairing out around the hips- perfect for my pear shaped figure.

I pulled the zip up and it stopped and I turned to check the back, wondering how far I had gotten, imagining that it had snagged just above my waist (where I flair back out again). And realised that the zip was at the top of the dress!

You cannot imagine how excited I was.

IT FIT!

I was in a size 14, fitted, amazing, gorgeous dress from a brand that I had always loved but thought I would never wear.

AMAZING.

I was on a shopping high.

As someone that has been slowly losing weight, you often don't notice the transformation as much as others around you.

This was one of those moments when you just need to do a happy dance and be grateful for all the hardwork that you've done. Wearing that dress is definitely worth it!

My relationship with food

2014-01-27T21:04:00.001-08:00

For the longest time food has been a comfort, a friend, a delight. Something to turn to in despair, in happiness, in boredom, in loneliness and in creativeness.

It is because of this of course that I became overweight in the first place. Clearly this sort of relationship is not healthy. You should be able to to turn to friends and activities to help you with these emotions. Should being the key word in that sentence.

Slowly I have been working on changing how I view food. Trying to see it as nourishment- no more, no less.

Of course this has been easy on my good days, when I am happy and light and everything is right in the world. When I am stressed and tired, not so much.

Lately, however ,I have been sick quite a bit. While sick, every mouthful I have eaten has made me regret it later. It has caused me to feel rotten and gross and like my stomach has turned against me.

Because of this I have almost started to view food negatively. To view food as something necessary and not the comfort I have been used to.

I can't say for sure whether this is something permanent. It is only early days yet and my sickness is still fresh in my mind, who knows how I will feel in a month or two when this becomes a distant memory?

I am hoping it is something that sticks. I don't like the way I think of food. I do not like the way I turn to it when something goes wrong. It is this behaviour that could so easily derail me and make gain everything back if something was bad enough.

Let's hope it sticks.

Retreat

2014-01-20T16:57:00.000-08:00

It's hard for me to face the world. All I want to do is block it all out and focus on my thoughts. To try and figure myself out before I deal with people and their comments and looks and judgement.

It doesn't matter whether the comments are said out loud. It's all in a look, a gesture, a raised eyebrow or a turning away. That disappointment. They are disappointed in me.

Recently I took the plunge and joined online dating. After about 2 months, I've deleted my profile. I just can't handle it. The talking, the getting to know someone, developing that connection and finally meeting them. Then disappointment.

They are nice, they are sweet, they still talk to me and we become friends. But I am not what they are looking for, I am not what they are expecting. I am a disappointment, a failure.

It doesn't matter whether that's realistic or not. Whether I am imagining things, or whether I am being over the top. It's the first thing that comes into my head and it's the feeling that has accompanied almost all my dates.

No more. I am sick of this feeling. Sick of failing or the looks. Of being heartsore and lonely.

Enough is enough.

Enough moping. So you haven't met someone? So what. That just means more time with your friends, more time with family, more time working on your dream body and exercising and embracing life.

So what if people look at you for being the 'single' friend. The loner. Screw them. Life is meant to be lived, not spent waiting around for someone to make you feel 'special'.

So right now, it may look like I am retreating from the world, from dating and men. Again. But this time I am retreating in order to regroup, refocus and channel my energy. On me. The one who actually needs it.

New Year, New Goals.

2014-01-05T21:54:00.000-08:00

So it's a new year and customary to make new goals. You would think that as this is mostly about weight loss, that it would be all weight loss goals? Not quite.

One of the biggest things I learnt in 2013 was that how I am living the rest of my life has a direct impact on my weight. Or more accurately, what I eat and how much I exercise.

One of my main goals last year was that no matter what, I was to keep exercising. This meant that no matter how stressed, how sore or in pain, how tired or fat or emotional, I just had to keep going.

Mostly that meant sticking to routine and forcing myself to say 'yes' whenever my trainer confirmed an appointment. It also meant that when I was sick or sore (I had some back problems late last year) to talk to my trainer about alternative exercises we could do, or simply doing as much as I could outside of training.

I am glad to say that this was something that I kept up and most weeks I trained at least 2-4 times a week. That may seem low to other people losing weight, but I am working on creating a long term lifestyle change and 2-4 times a week is something I can commit to long term. Heck, I've just done it for a whole year!

I think being able to stick to this one goal has meant that I could focus more effectively. Sure I could have half a dozen goals that I am working on, but when things got tough, that was the one thing I couldn't break. And I have noticed the difference. In the last month alone when everyone has been complaining about not fitting into their summer bikini or favourite dress, I was buying new clothes and squeezing into a pair of jeans that are no longer too small for me. Hallelujah!

Another of my goals for 2013, was to get back into my arts and crafts more. Which I have been doing, I have been painting something almost every month.

I am so glad that I made this a goal and committed to it. I had forgotten how much I missed it and it has made a huge difference in how I feel. Painting for me has always been an emotional vent, often this results in very abstract and bold paintings, sometimes though I am in a more serene state and will do some watercolour landscapes. For me painting has helped me to handle stress, to be more patient and find my inner peace, and to vent my feelings onto something other than food. NEVER underestimate how important this is.

So, two goals for 2013 that made a huge impact onto my life. What will I concentrate on in 2014?

My diet is a major goal for me this year. I will not be going on a diet but I really want to concentrate on eating right and making sure I am not sabotaging myself. Which is what I am doing, particularly when stressed.

Apart from that, I really want to tick a few things off my bucket list. Things like skydiving which I can only do if under 99kgs. Things that I would like to do while young.

Another area I want to work on is using my time and money more effectively. I feel like I have done pretty well cruising along. But once I have a house this will change. I feel like if I can get into some good habits now, it will help tremendously down the track.

I hope everyone else had a great break for Christmas and the New Year and I look forward to reading everyone elses goals and aims for the year ahead.

What's in my head

2013-10-22T17:14:00.000-07:00

I am a big thinker. I think, I analyse, I think again. Sometimes I will get so sick of thinking that I will just make a snap decision and do something. It's annoying, it's frustrating, it's who I am.

At the moment I have a few things going on in my brain that I just need to get out somewhere.

Dating
Ok, not the topic you were thinking of right? I have started dating again after starting to feel happier about myself and where I am with my body. I have been on a few dates and met some nice guys.. but no spark. No sizzle. No.. anything.

In the past, part of the reason I didn't date much was that I always assumed that the reason I hadn't met anyone was because of me. It was me that needed to be fixed or wasn't quite right or at my best. It was because I was too fat, too shy, liked my books over walks etc etc.

Now I am right back at that same spot again and all I want to do is bury my head in the sand and refocus on getting me 'right'. Fixing all my problems in time to me the right one.

How insane does that sound? And yet I am struggling to not give in again.

Diet
I am struggling more and more with dairy. Everything I eat seems to make me sick, which in turn makes me unhappy and feeling gross which makes me either want to just lay down and not move or find some sort of food that doesn't make me sick.

Plus I have been super stressed and tired lately (Headache's again argh) and this means that I haven't been making lunches and snacks like I normally would. I have been spending a bit more money so that I buy healthier options, but sometimes I just slip.

This doesn't make me happy. I WANT to do better. I WANT to be healthier. I WANT to lose that last bit of weight and get down to a happy size 14. And yet I can't seem to summon up the energy or enthusiasm to be able to follow through.

So I am going to go see a naturopath and see whether they can help me with my dietary problems and hopefully put me on the right path.

Family
I am so sick of my family at the moment. Mostly my Sister and her Partner. They are on a massive health fix at the moment and it is driving me insane.

They will spend up to $250 on food for one person in a week. How insane is that!!!

That's because her Partner is on some high protein diet and he eats good quality steak like 4 times a day. I don't know how he isn't sick of it yet.

It seems to be working for them and I am happy for them. But oh my god I just wish they would be more considerate. They constantly judge us on what food we eat, because it might have some cheese or pasta in it. They cook for themselves and not the rest of us. But when we cook there's a 50/50 chance of them eating. You just never know. It's just not fair.

And it is so frustrating hearing them tell me what I should be doing. Just because they have had some success on a radical fad diet does not mean they have the right or the knowledge to tell me how to lose weight. I am doing it the right way, with diet and exercise and losing weight consistently over long term.

These are just a few of the swirls of thoughts going round my head. There is more, like travel plans, problems with friends, work, work and more work... it just keeps going and I feel like I barely have a chance to breathe and catch up and get myself in a good place again. I feel like I don't have time to relax and concentrate on me. Just me. No one else.

I hope I can find some time soon to stop and relax. To process and refocus. Soon, please.

Simple is the new mantra of Summer.

2013-10-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

Finally we have some sunshine here in Perth! You can't imagine how happy that makes me!

I'm a real morning and daylight person. I pretty much go into hibernate mode as soon as the cold, night, chill creeps in. I'm sure you can appreciate how this might slow me down and affect my weight loss.. except this year I made a conscious effort to not skip my workouts. To make sure that I at least went to as many as I could unless I was sick and to eat a lot more soups than other comfort foods.

And it worked! Out of all my trainers clients she says I have made the most improvements this year, going from 2x 30min session and one boxing session late last year, to upping it to first 2 x hour long sessions, then adding the 2 boxing sessions and finally adding in the stairs session as well, as I realised I needed to keep pushing myself.

I now train a minimum of 3 times a week, often 5 times a week (group classes are cancelled from time to time due to numbers). And I feel great for it. I have noticed a huge improvement in my fitness and overall well being and stamina. Especially since starting doing the stairs. I have also lost cm's as proven by my clothes and need for new ones.

Something I realised is that if I didn't push myself over winter, it was only going to make it harder in summer. Because then I would have had the extra kgs over winter to lose as well, and less time to lose it.

While numbers on the scale is not what I am really care about, being able to look good and feel good in my clothes is. I want to be healthy. In all senses of the word.

As always, I am constantly tweaking and cutting back. I am not one of those people who can go all or nothing, instead I focus on one part of my diet and work hard to make that part right. Once I am used to say, not drinking soft drink or cutting back on coffee, then I tweak my diet somewhere else.

Eventually I would like to say that I create all my meals myself, including sauces and condiments, and that it is as organically produced as possible.

At the moment I have started concentrating on increasing my protein, but cutting back on my meat. I truly believe that we eat too much meat. Especially as both lunches and dinner can include meat of some sort, plus we eat larger portions than what we should. There is also a cost factor, which as someone soon to be a first home buyer, I need to keep in mind.

So at the moment I have been concentrating on not eating meat for lunch- by meat I mean I would usually eat chicken or ham in a sandwich. Instead I have been focusing on having vegetarian sandwich's with eggs and salad or roast vegetables or salmon with salad.

Since doing this I have felt unbelievably better. It took me a while to understand what the source was, but I eventually realised that by not eating meat so often I felt lighter and healthier. I was naturally eating more vegetables to help keep me full and this was also in turn making me want more healthy, vegetable laden meals.

Not to say that I am now eating vegetables with every meal and pretty much a vegetarian. I'm not. As I live at home, I often have limited choices with meals. But all in all my diet is much better than what it was.

My next step will be to improve my snacks (which aren't bad, but I need something a bit more filling so I'm not tempted by that piece of chocolate in the afternoon) and start improving dinners.

Other things, non-diet related, that I have been working on, is getting back in touch with my creative side. I am proud to say that I have started painting again and that this makes me amazingly happy and relaxed on the weekends.

I also have decided 'simple' is going to be mantra this summer. Simple living, simple clothes, simple room, simple meals, simple lifestyle. Nothing complicated or hard. Nothing cluttered and meaningless. Quality over quantity, essentially. No more wasting time or money on cheap jewellery or clothes when I can buy one good pair of jeans or dress which will last longer and do more for me.

It's time to start appreciating the small things in life; sunshine, friends, family. Not spending money on material possessions.

It's time to keep things Simple. :)

Something that hurts

2013-09-19T17:12:00.001-07:00

Something that always manages to hurt is other people's snide comments about what I eat. They seem to think that because they catch me eating a piece of chocolate or some hot chips that it gives them the right to criticise what I am doing.

They seem to think that just because I am not 100% sugar free, wheat free, dairy free etc etc that I don't eat healthy. That I am not doing 'enough'.

It makes me so angry and then it makes me sad.

Because every time I hear those comments I wonder why I don't push myself more, why I don't make those simply changes. Why I don't go harder, faster, longer...

It makes me feel like I'm not doing enough. As if I'm the failure.

Despite going from not exercising at all to exercising 5 times a week.

From constantly snacking in my room after dinner to not snacking after dinner at all.

From barely touching fruit to eating fruit every morning, and feeling weird when I don't.

From skipping breakfast to eating cereal or wholegrain toast with boiled eggs every morning.

From shovelling fast food into me while in my car when I was hungry but too ashamed for anyone to see what I was eating.

From having fast food almost every week to less than once a month.

From drinking soft drink or juice every week to next to nothing.

From cutting back my meat consumption and increasing my fish and vegetables.

From going from someone who was about to go into a size 20 pants to someone who has to now go into a size 16. One size away from my goal.

From someone who was ashamed and disgusted with themselves and what their body looked like to someone who has finally rediscovered their confidence and joy in life. Who is HAPPY and who is HEALTHY and who is constantly improving.

Yes I am not 100% organic, sugar and wheat free. But my god I am a billion times better than what I was .

So SHUT THE F*** UP.

Mixing it up and increasing my sessions: bring on the new me!

2013-08-13T17:44:00.001-07:00

So I have swapped my workout routine around. Hopefully it should help me to fit more workouts in overall.

What did I change?
Well normally I work out 4-5 times a week between 5.30-6.30pm, this included 2 x PT sessions, 2x GX boxing sessions and an occasional stairs session.

But often what happens is something will come up at work or I'll be invited out by friends after work which often results in a) cancelling my session or b) missing out on being with friends.

Also recently I have started volunteering with my local shire to help with an October event and they meet at Wednesday's at 6.30 pm.

So to stop myself from the temptation of cancelling my sessions and so that I can enjoy some free time after work to meet friends and get those annoying chores out of the way I have swapped my 2 PT sessions from Mon + Wed @ 5.30pm to Tues and Thurs @ 6am.

For the first time I will be working out in the morning.. this is going to be interesting!

I feel good about it though because I am less likely to cancel in the morning and it doesn't change my routine too much at all. I already get up at 6, so now I just get up a little bit earlier for my workout and get to work later.

I eventually want to get into a routine of working out every morning, even if it is as little as a walk/jog around the block in the mornings. I'll start slow and will eventually build up to working out 8 times a week.. well that's the plan anyways!

Since starting doing stairs I have noticed a real improvement in my overall fitness. Things like jogging, walking, bending, mountain climbers etc are all a lot easier. I think it's do with the type of movement- they all consist of bending my knees and lifting my legs.

For me as a pear, my bottom half is the part that needs the most improvement, not that my top half is amazing but it's a size to two sizes smaller.. anyways because I have always carried so much weight there I have always felt uncomfortable running, jogging and generally moving that area. This of course just meant it got worse not better.

So now finally I am tackling this issue and challenging myself and my body!

Once again diet is being re tweaked. I really fell off the bandwagon last week after jumping on the scales and being hugely disappointed. This is why I don't weigh myself!!! Now that I am over my binge I'm back to being motivated to getting myself down to where I need to be.

While I love that I have changed shape and that people can see the difference, the scales are still not reflecting my commitment. And amongst other things I want the scales to say 70-75 kilos. I don't mind being higher than that if I feel like my body is in a good place, but I still think I should aim for a healthy BMI.

I had a taste of mixed martial arts last night and really enjoyed it. It was very different but really practical, in the sense that you could actually use the moves should you need to defend yourself. Something I find quite reassuring being a young female.

So let's see how the new work out routine goes and hopefully if all goes well I'll be adding in more flexible workouts- walks and jogs etc to the routine and maybe by the end of this year I might actually see some results on the scales as well.. one can only hope!

Working-out.

2013-07-25T17:32:00.001-07:00

I don't often post about what sort of work outs I do each week, mostly because I assume people are aware of the different work outs you can do and because this blog is pretty much just for me to blurt out all my feelings about weight loss.

So lately I have been working out quite a bit. Well at least for me I have. I have been doing 2 x hour PT sessions a week, 2 X GX Boxing sessions and when I miss one as I have had to work late, I have been doing a stairs session.

PT

This is amazing. I changed from going to the gym to getting a PT over a year ago now. I started doing just 2 x 30 minutes a week and I could immediately tell the difference between PT and going to the gym. Unless you're dedicated, motivated and educated in the different exercises you can and should do, I feel like the gym can be a bit of waste of time.

For example I would go to the gym 3x a week, work out for at least 45 minutes and just do cardio, bike riding mostly. Just because I thought that would be what burnt calories and what I was comfortable doing. I definitely wasn't comfortable doing weights or classes and I always tried to go to the gym at off peak times to avoid being seen by others. Yes I was afraid of being judged.

PT pushes me, it challenges me to do things with my body that I would never have thought of doing. It has shown me time and time again that I am capable of more than I thought I was. It makes me feel strong and healthy and I keep going back despite the pain haha. This means to me that this is right for me.

Starting this year I stared doing 2x 1 hour session after some pushing from my trainer. My trainer thought I wouldn't come back after my hour session! But I realised that I could do it and that I needed to constantly push myself to keep going and not plateau. This is where GX came in.

GX Boxing

GX is a form of high intensity boxing. Or rather exercising using boxing moves. So no fighting in the ring! We do several punch/kick combinations, each one 3 times and rotating with your partner. (You hit, they hit etc) The first time is to get used to the moves, the second is for strength (hit as hard as you can) and third for speed.

After your punches/kicks we always end with 2 minute knock out rounds. This is where my trainer (who runs these classes) chooses 3 exercises and we have to do each one for 2 minutes. This could be squats, lunges, burpees, push ups, planks, sit ups etc etc it changes constantly.

It is amazing and sweaty and makes you feel strong and powerful and even 6 months in I still feel it the next day.

Stairs

Stairs is something I have only recently started doing. Again from being pushed by my trainer. She runs a class on Thursday nights at the local stairs (30 steps approx). Usually we do something like 5 (up and down) stairs then push ups. 5 stairs, tricep dips, 5 stairs something else. Usually about 25-30 stairs before ending with an ab workout.

It is exhausting and I hate it. But it is a great work out and means that I can keep doing 4 sessions a week even if I miss one of my other classes.

The main thing I love about these work outs is that they challenge me. I never feel like something is getting too easy, because the work outs are always changing and getting harder.

I also love the mix of weights and cardio. I love weights and I hate cardio, but I know I need to do cardio as well. I feel like I am building muscle and losing fat and slowly cardio is getting easier for me. Easier not Easy!

Last night I tried on some pants that I kept from when I was at my smallest. I can now get them up over my thighs but I cannot do them up. Needless to say I had mixed feelings. Joy that I could get them up so far and am so close to being back to where I used to be and disappointment that I was so small and let myself go and am still not at that point anymore.

Ah well. I am probably healthier and stronger mentally and physically than I was anyway. Always look on the bright side!