LOST.

2009 the past. 2010 the future.

2010-01-03T19:37:00.002+08:00

Well it's been some time since I officially pen down my thoughts.
Ever since switching to tumblr, I hardly write down any heartfelt feelings into it instead, just pictures to describe how I feel. Today, coming back to blogger, makes me feel somewhat nostalgic and happy about it. So for just today, I feel, let's have a change and go back to where i previously was, to talk about the past, 2009.

2009 has been a rather tough year for me. At the start of the year, I was still mugging real hard for my common test, and yes it feels good to be at my friends house, mugging the night away because I feel united with my classmates then. Of course all those mugging paid off after I get back a satisfactory result. Aside from school matters, there was sport camp too, which by then, I made many new friends.

Next was the start of a new chapter in my life. I got what I wanted. a bike.
Though it was just a simple bike, small , cheap and good, to me it's like a huge package of happiness in my life. Biking became part of my life, and it starts to grow in me. Now as time pass by, I grow more and more excited about my bike and wanted to do so much more in the field of biking, be it dirt biking or just leisure riding, anything that come along, I'll be fine with it and willing to try it out when the appropriate time comes.

The next major thing in my life is attachment. Though just for a few months, within those period I've learned and mature a lot through it. The one main important thing that I'd learned was that, life is harsh.

And through those harsh time I've been away from my school friends, I'm thankful to those that stick through the harsh time with me. Without friends like matthias, fuxing, bing chia, meng, juan, mengster kumar, vasu , sadik, hpyo and the rest of the soccer buddies, I don't think I would manage to get past the year 2009 without turning insane.

Face it.

2009-10-25T12:10:00.002+08:00

I've decided long and hard enough to come to this conclusion. The only way to solve this problem and to work it out is to actually face it, and talk about it instead of just running away from it. Nothing can be solved if we don't talk about it. Well I certainly hope we come to a conclusion after that and pretend nothing actually happened and hope that everything will be back to normal.

HOPE.

we'll make the great escape.

MOVING ON

2009-10-24T03:33:00.002+08:00

WWW.HANIFFF.TUMBLR.COM

Sorry

2009-10-24T03:25:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry.
I couldn't have felt anymore pathetic than today.
I'm feeling guilty and sorry now that things have played out this way.
I hope time would work out everything and I'll try to fix things back to the way it was.
Like how we are just friends and feelings remain that way too.

hihi!

2009-10-23T18:11:00.000+08:00

hihi! I think I should just give the I dont give a ___ attitude.

Happiness

2009-10-20T01:31:00.001+08:00

I miss you and I really do.

It's okay if you're sad.
It's okay if you're down.
It's okay if you wanna be left alone for now.

just know that you're not alone.
that I'll be there for you.
No matter how long it will take.
I'll wait for you.

even if you may not love me back.

Love found it way back to my heart, but has it find its way to yours?

2009-10-18T05:46:00.002+08:00

firstly, I would like to address that I've removed the previous entry as whatever I type was in a moment of rage and it was rash of me to actually typed all those hurtful words. So my sincere apologies to all those I've offended. I'm sorry ):

Festival of Light was just over and I spent the day rather well in fact. Despite waking up in tiredness I managed to do all the things I aim to accomplish. My bike was healthy once again, changed some stuff required to change , I bought new clothes, street soccer shoes which lasted me more than an hour (compared to adidas shoes at 35, Nike was better ) , bought jeans and I'm a happy man. Well at least I'm contented with what I bought. From this itself , it kinda open my eyes once again that in life, our views and how we look at things affects our thinking and feelings. If I look on the negative side, it would be about the big hole it cost to my pocket but if I'm looking at the positive side (which i did ) I would be happy I bought the things I wanted/needed.

Saturday, Deepavali was spent by shopping, play soccer , watching soccer match and meeting up with fellow classmates.It feels so good to be with them again. Though only few,but the stories I've heard from experiences in attachment and the normal talks make me feel the warmth of having an awesome classmates once again. After that we went to Yishun Dam. Many good bikes there, and of course racers wannabes but the environment was good for just a casual catch up session. I felt peace there, after so long. Though i can't really reflect and think about stuffs I wanna think and just chill looking at the stars and water, the company was great nevertheless.

Recently too, I've found something i've been missing out for so long. Someone I really care and wanna be with. I don't know if it's just a crush or just a random liking . I don't know, but I wanna try if I could work something out cause I know she worth it. Afterall it's been a real long time i've been single and it felt lonely at times. I would wait, no matter how long it takes. Even if I'd be disappointed at the end of the wait. It's alright. Cause in love, we take risk.

(it's 6am in the morning and I'd slept in 24 hours so I don't know if i'm in the right mind to type all this , dont think i'm thinking straight anyway )

routine

2009-10-11T02:51:00.002+08:00

Today soccer day.
But it's a sucky one, i got hit my the ball multiple times, one causing a serious pain to my wrist which is hurting now. We played with little spirit too. But was happy that after so long i finally get to see Zephyr in school. even though it's a short while since i'm in a rush to town.
Went to town cause it's been about 3 months or so since i last been there? I never been to Ion orchard too. Today supposed to be there eating earlier but since I couldnt find bike parking lot and by the time, friends are moving elsewhere for movie, I had no chance to even step inside ION. I feel sad though. Then i even lost my ezlink card as i forget to remove it from my IU unit from my bike, it got stolen.

sigh. I'm pretty messed up, ain't I.

Forbidden

2009-09-11T06:08:00.000+08:00

ID camp is long over.
Attachment is starting next week.
Which means, I officially wouldn't being seeing her randomly in school for the next 6 month.
In fact, It could be forever if there's no reason for us to meet.
honestly, I'm sad about it.

120KM/H

2009-09-08T01:59:00.002+08:00

well it's been some time since i last update my blog, guess it's about time to update.
Recently things have been good for me (:
apart from me breaking fast numerous days, other things are really picking up. My ride has been smooth so far, no problem. ID camp was fun too.

looking back, I kinda regret throwing my temper on ID camp night 1, should have taken things lightly. Well things happened too fast and my bike was just 2 weeks old then,so of course I would feel mad if someone move my bike just like that. but after leaving my camp, and waking up the next morning I did feel guilty about what happened the night before. I thought it was pretty much irresponsible of me to just leave like that so I decided to come back. After all, everything was meant to be a joke. Just that it was a bad one for me. so my apologies to them all that was offended .

Other than that unhappy incident, everything went on smoothly. Soon , I'll be having my 6 month attachment at science park. One part of me is happy because I finally get to try something new and get paid, but another part of me is sad, to leave my school, and miss seeing everyone I knew. Sigh, oh well. just hope things will turn out good.

(:

Sparky Love

2009-08-12T13:01:00.000+08:00

Big hurray for me! Now I just can't wait to look forward to the coming Monday. I received a call this morning saying I could collect my bike on Monday! Yay! Spark is my new love. With sport rims, racing footrest, oversize disc brake, new IU unit, free services and no GST charge, buying that bike for 3k is a steal! FBB 6744M is my license plate. woot! Can't wait for it, i'm nervous, excited plus a little bit of scared since i'll be joining the dangerous traffic soon enough.

but anyway, my old injuries act up again, this time, i feel that it's worst. How ridiculous can it get when I've actually woke up at 6 in the morning , went for shower and when i'm getting ready for school putting my clothes on, i sprained my shoulder back muscle again. end up resting on bed instead. hahaha, but after some rest, manage to go out and survey for bike at ubi road and queensway. Of course there is some ridiculous shop try to sell us their bike at a price that would make u really doubt it and there's also shop that try to see you bikes which they have not even service yet. Pretty much open my eyes when doing the surveying. In the end, I chose my uncle's shop. hahaha.

oh well, exam coming soon, PM paper on monday. DCT report due on Friday. Everything is coming to an end real fast. soon i'll be having my attachment so i better treasure my time left in school with my classmate. (:

Error

2009-07-27T20:23:00.002+08:00

Help! I can't change my blog song! Damn it man, I want to change to korean song right now lor, i think I will try it again later.

Hahah but anyway today test went well although I only studied for 15minute for the 20% test.Honestly I came into the lecture hall with just expectation to pass borderline but then the teacher is damn awesome that he allowed us to copy although he didn't really mention it. HAHAH.

Went home early cause I didnt have the mood to hear people nag today. Don't know, i've been feeling moody lately.

Anyway I watch "We Got Married" till episode 41 now, it feels damn sad cause the Ant couple had to break-up. It's damn saddening that I tear. Though it a make-believe couple, it feels really sad cause I felt that Crown J and Seo In Young had something true in that show. Their feelings were true though on the screen for sure. Just look at Crown J buying 321 roses and he said propose to her! Well that was sometime ago I hope that would be dating now! Looking at Kim Hyun Joong couple depart from the show the past episode was saddening as well that I teared also. Damn, i'm feeling sentimental nowadays or what? NONONO, must not soften up Hanif. stay stone cold.

Anyway let's hope tmr would rain in the morning so that I could sleep soundly and wear jacket to school alright! The weather's been too hot recently.

We just wanna be whole... again.

2009-07-26T03:45:00.000+08:00

these words are forbidden....
no matter how hard I try to look at things on the bright side,
there's always bound something missing.

I reflected and I realised...
it was you that I was missing right from the start.
a hole in my heart, I could never replace.

damn , i need a gf soon. hahaha, common test again soon! semester ending! bike coming! fasting month coming! I wish there's more look forward to! :)

Positive Positive!

2009-07-07T00:52:00.002+08:00

Aerosmith - Cryin'
There was a time
When I was so broken hearted
Love wasn't much of a friend of mine..

so it's week 2 of schoool and the start of the week has been really lucky for me.
Firstly found an Mp3, okay la, not bad super compact. got in built speaker somemore LOL.
then woke up pretty late that i miss the first two hour of school but I still got my attendance cause the lecturer assume everyone was present during the lecture. HAHAH, DOPE SHIT MAN!

well today monday blues to the max though, all my classmates so tired that they dont even feel like gyming that I had to gym alone. Hahaha but nevertheless always meet some pals in the gym though. Gym was tiring though, slowly getting heavier and heavier. I need to get fitter hahaha, my classmates are saying my breathing recently very heavy macam wearing oxygen tank like that -.-" didn't know about that though, maybe due to chronic illness but heck uh, hopefully everything is fine soon.

it's gonna be a long week ahead and I hope everything go on smoothly! :D

Back to basics.

2009-07-01T01:23:00.002+08:00

after all this years, I'm back to square one still.
In fact, haven't really move on from point 1.
that's fucked up.
but anyway, been getting back results for CT.
so far so good, some were suprisingly good (:
and some were expected.
more to come,hopefully it's good.

holiday is over but i'm still feeling it, the laziness.
fitness for me is going downhill since I haven't really hit the weights for some time,a month probably.
and i hate it when people say " hanif, you shrink already "
yea that's fine but fuck you when you make fun of my height alright, bitches.
so school start already, napfa is coming, i'm hitting the gym again.
faster, stronger this time.

my application for the bond with home team was unsuccessful.
part of me feels happy cause I'm not really sure if police is the kind of career I want.
and part of me feels bad and sad, cause firstly I disappoint my dad, but fuck you la, i think it's my life and I have a say at my own future? I don't even know what I wanna do and here at home you're giving me propagandas and speech of what is best for me. and also, sad cause I couldn't get the monthly allowance, crazy money for just studying honestly but yea fuck it.

what ever life has in store for me, just bring it on alright.
better hope good things and thrills come in fast cause I'm getting bored of it wondering and thinking about random stuffs aimlessly.
it gets real tiring.

and ya, today my friend ask me a very interesting question, man.
"hanif, when was the last time you dated"
really got me thinking real deep into this.
the answer : years back.
now how fucked up is that.

fuck.
I just feel like cursing in today's entry.
if you think this is vulgar and unlike me, and i'm just moody...oh well,two words.
fuck you.

Sunday Getaway at Malaysia!

2009-06-15T15:33:00.002+08:00

Sunday trip to malaysia with buddies was fun. I wouldn't say it was really really fun cause I was mostly tired from the travel and stuff but still the activities we did were pretty laid back and it was a good chill out session. Went to see the mall there too and had domino's pizza which was like 3 times better than pizza hut. Went for a foot massage too, a traditional thai one, while the others went for a full body massage, damn it if only i have more cash I would be enjoying a good full body massage too, hahah, but still it was good, felt that my leg was better ! and no, please don't have any funny ideas, there was no special services or whatever so don't even wander off your mind to there alright. Besides that, we had some real good lunch and tea break at some shop, ate like a rich shit for a day before getting all broke by the nightfall hahah. Oh well, hopefully next weekend would be something fun again. or maybe something new? car rental maybe?

we all need a break.

paper heart

2009-06-09T21:45:00.002+08:00

cause I'm too busy chasing my own dreams and needs,
I forget totally about the matter of heart.

forgotten how to love, care and concern.
all that's left within me is the coldness that's been there for years.

I was wondering if you could see that you're the only one who could make me feel complete.

Courage, is it gone forever?

2009-06-04T22:29:00.002+08:00

As much as I would like to do something very much, I'm always afraid of the consequences of it, or rather, just the thoughts of what the outcome would be is just fucking with my mind too much which is why I think right now, I'm living a life with potential regrets.

I don't like this, I need to take risk.

Insanity

2009-05-31T13:16:00.001+08:00

Common test is next week.
I lost my voice, my leg is aching and I'm burnt out for the week. So much things unknown and need to be studied for. I'm officially screwed for this semester.

Let's hope last minute wonders can perform miracle for me.

Night at the Museum 2! & Meaningful Reads

2009-05-23T01:03:00.003+08:00

In life, no matter how hard we try to please everyone , there is always bound to be some misunderstandings and not everyone would be pleased with you. For some, a small joke with no intention of harm could be offending, but to others it could be hilarious. Likewise, for some, they may mistook my optimism, carefree behaviour to be something childish in fact. But it's okay , misunderstandings can happen but all we can do best is, to be who we are . We can't afford to just change ourselves just because we couldn't fit in other people's shoe or make them happy cause they're always friction somehow. If we do change, at the end of the day, are we happy with who we are, and most importantly, is that who you want to be ?

Today, I've watched night at the museum 2 and I must say it's not disappointing at all, in fact I would rate it 4/5 stars. It's one of the movie I could sit even with a headache and still enjoy laughing to it. No doubt it's meant to be a comedy/action show, but still, it has small parts which contains meaningful stuff. Imagine, to you, it could be just another night guarding the museum, but to others , it was actually her adventure of life. It was one of this part near the ending which really captures my attention. They say "The key to happiness, true happiness is doing what you love most " which is true. Unless we found what we love doing, we wouldn't be that happy after all.

So to my friends who are unhappy, don't lose yourself.
Find your meaning in life, what you love doing most and be happy.

Kyson has posted one of the best article I've read so far but since I thought that not all read his blog as you don't know him, I thought I would share it with you guys here.

A Message by George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways , but narrower viewpoints.

We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor.

We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things. We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes.

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete... ALWAYS

Promises

2009-05-04T01:19:00.003+08:00

I know I'm taking forever, but do believe in me...
that when i made those promises to you in the past, it's not just an empty one.
or rather not any other promises which I always break.
be patient, my dear.
sometimes, some people wait a lifetime..
for the right things to happen to them.
and right now, I'm praying with my hands held up high for it to happen.
meanwhile....
please, don't you lose faith in me.
I'm just another kid who is waiting for his time to shine.
and when it's finally time ,
I will fulfil those promises that I made.
I will make you proud.
and most of all, I'll make you happy.
all we gotta do now is wait.

the journey to success maybe bittersweet or sour , but the outcome is always sweet.

Empty bottles.

2009-04-27T00:49:00.002+08:00

It's slowly killing me once again.
Right now, there's only emptiness in my heart.
No goals, no aims, no hope.
Many times, I look back and think about what life..
what is it I actually wanted in life so badly ?

A new chapter.

2009-04-25T03:18:00.003+08:00

Finally,it is here.
After so long, it's back to school and a new chapter in my life has just began.
Of course there were changes and new things to adapt to, but I guess I'm doing pretty fine coping along with things.
I just hope things would go on smoothly for me and continue to be on the bright side of life (:

until next time,
signing off.

no place to call home.

2009-03-28T16:31:00.002+08:00

mom and dad dont love me anymore.
all they do is control my life and scold me.
even my siblings couldn't care about me.
there's no place I could call home.

2009-03-11T06:13:00.002+08:00

I hate family problems. especially ones which involves both parents and cause us, siblings to be sandwiched in between, making us to make an option to who's right and who's wrong. I don't understand why, there can't be mutual understanding between the two of them, despite so long in years of relationship , shouldn't their ties just get stronger each moment, but why does it seems like the longer it gets, the easier it is to snap, just like a fragile thread ? If my family happens to break up because of this, who's to blame and most importantly what will happen to all of us siblings ? My younger sis isn't strong enough to face up to this problem yet, in fact she cried when my parents always quarrel . Sometimes I wish I could just scream my lungs out in the faces of my parents and give them each a slap to wake them up from this living hell we're facing. When they quarrel, it isn't always about them, it's often kids the ones who suffers in the end.

Why do we have to complicate matters when all we have to do is lose our hot temper, our arrogances and be open minded about who's right and who's wrong and who's to be blame. I believe in a relationship like this , there must be strong trust in between them and give and take is a must. And when a quarrel broke out, it's not just one party fault, however both are at wrong because they fail to be understanding and give and take. If only we humans wouldnt bear grudges and is willing to forgive with all our heart...

No one is perfect, but it's how we react to certain changes which play a part in the future. If we are willing to accept and face the reality, learn from our mistakes and let go of grudges , forgives one another and be humble , and most importantly value and treasure human ties/relationship well , then we are good enough.