The Musings of Colin

Prove it first

2009-12-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

I like to talk. I especially like to talk about myself. And if I want to get motivated I like to talk about what I am doing, or what I am about to do. When I talk about my future plans, it feels like I am actually doing something, without ever having to lift a finger. All it takes is to yap my mouth. It is really that easy. So simple!

But I get to the end of every year, look back on all the stuff I have done, but mostly what I didn't after talking it all up. I've been planning on becoming a millionaire for the last few years. And I have told everyone that it is going to happen, thanks to my small plan to take over the world.

The long and short is that it hasn't happened.

So I am taking a new road. This new road means that I will shut up. It will take out a lot of pride in order to do that (we'll see how easy that is), and it will force me to talk about what I have done (past tense rather than future tense). These are my rules. And this is my declaration. If I talk about it again, it should only be to update, not project. I have to put my money where my mouth is.

Feel free to call me out on it.

[This post was inspired by Derek Sivers]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a guest post from my other blog AllCityStartup.blogspot.com

Secrecy or Transparency

2009-12-09T10:03:00.000-08:00

I watched the movie Duplicity the other week and thought about it then, but I didn't realize until now that I am playing my own games in the same way, only it is much more destructive. The movie is about 2 double-agents in the corporate world of war. Between two main companies are millions of dollars at stake for minor percentages of market cap.

I am not at that level. At all.

But why am I fearing that someone will steal my ideas? Why do I keep a tight rein on the thoughts and ideas that I have when I start things in my business? I have this idea that my ideas are my money. And if I let out my ideas, I won't make money. This isn't true. What I have deduced is that ideas are free and easy. Everyone has them, and a lot of people have great ones [Seth Godin on ideas]. But it is the ability for the businessman, specifically the entrepreneur, to be able to capitalize on them.

That is why all the multi-level marketing schemes work (which I almost got into, but didn't). They work because they promise the world, and show the people that are doing amazing things with their package. And the package is available to anyone, but it takes a certain person to be able to really capitalize on it. And those people are few and far between. That is why this entrepreneurial wave will not last. But I think the next generation of kids who watched their parents will be successful. Why? Because they were able to watch subjectively and understand the problems and will fix them.

But back to my point, if you want people to trust you, you cannot keep things from them. If you want people to buy from you, you must have them trust you and trust what you are selling. So from here on out, I am going to be completely forthright with my business. Down to everything. Because I know that I can make money from it. I know how, and I have seen it done. My ideas might spark other entrepreneurs to crowd my market, but isn't that what I am doing now?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
This is a guest post from my other blog AllCityStartup.blogspot.com

Sidenote..

2009-12-08T18:22:00.000-08:00

I have another blog which probably will not mean anything for most of you. But it is about my window cleaning startup (ha ha, that's why it is called My Window Cleaning Startup) and everything that I am doing with that. It is targeted at other people doing the same, so we will see if it goes somewhere. But if you want to help me out, just click the link and send some internet traffic that way. If you do that, it'll jumpstart the popularity and maybe even get some attention. Because right now it is lonely.

I started with the beginning and my business history. I continued with some Personality info and Personal Branding info. And the last two posts were about the basics and the window cleaning supplies everyone would need.

So feel free to click away at the links. No need to really read them, unless you are interested.

Thank you all.

New Year?

2009-12-02T22:55:00.000-08:00

It seems that everything in life is moving. It is moving in a direction that I cannot explain or understand right now. Even now as I think where I am going with this post, I get lost in the thoughts and movement. It's as if you are standing in the middle of a dance floor as everything dances around you, and you look around as if to decide your next move.

Or it feels like one of those great summer nights in front of a fire after most people have gone to bed and you and a few friends still sit around, mostly silent, poking at the fire. You wonder what is about to be said, or what topic will be brought up. But you know it will be intimate and important. Because the atmosphere demands it.

So here I stand, planning my next move. And here I sit, listening intently, staring at the hot coals.

And I can feel the next move, I can see what is about to come. It is just around the corner to a new year and I already have it planned out. New years resolutions are set to start in December. This will be a year I will not forget.

I have never forgotten December 19th. It was the day I asked out my first girlfriend. Also my first kiss. November 5th was the day I flipped my car over with 4 other guys in it. October 30th a year later, I totalled my next car too. I remember a few other memorable dates: Nov 1st, Feb 5th, etc. But I know this next year, January especially, there will be a new date. A date that will start the rest of my life. This date will once again mark a happening in life. To be honest, I am a little scared, I haven't quite taken into account what it will really cost, how much courage and gusto I will have to muster up. But it will be worth it. It's almost like a break-up conversation. You see it coming and know you will feel better once it happens, but you know it will bring pain with it, but you cannot really anticipate that pain. Instead you just have to brace for it.

Make-up Work

2009-11-22T23:18:00.000-08:00

Whenever I find myself in this situation (single..again.., and without all the toys I have ever wanted to make me satisfied...which will be never), I always look internally. Maybe it is a introverted characteristic of mine. Or maybe it is entrepreneurial, I don't know. Maybe it is inherently male, but I don't think that is the main reason. But I want to conquer the world to prove a point to her. or maybe just to me.

Even tonight I self-medicate as I move on smoothly, which is going quite well, by the way. But with each situation this afternoon and more into the evening, I look to conquer everything as if to counteract. And I pencil out goals to achieve that. Whether it be my friends' wives or girlfriends, that I think I can do better, or as I listen to music, I can learn guitar and write better than Lady GaGa. It seems I am on this quest to prove that I am best when I am solo. I will dominate. I will conquer. I will survive.

But also in all of this, I look around and look for someone to share this with. Anyone, really. Anybody to care that I have dominated, conquered and survived. Because without comradery, there is no real conquering or survival, only more loneliness.

So as my list of goals swells to new proportions, I think of motives. And quickly find it is really because I am hurt and just want to prove a point. But I know I will prove it to whoever is listening, even if they really aren't.

24 hours, 24 years

2009-11-15T22:33:00.000-08:00

My roommate turned 25 the other day. And that was weird for him.
I turn 24 in three months, and I am almost freaking out. What is wrong with me? I feel the pressure, the expectations, the missed goals, etc. Basically I don't have my Aston Martin or the house I designed in my head (it's quite awesome, let me tell you). So what is wrong? I graduated high school as a Valedictorian, and now I drop out of school to start a window cleaning business?!

I am stupid! This is the last thing in the world that I ever wanted! This is definitely not my life plan. Most of my classmates are graduated. But then again, they don't have jobs either. Most of them, anyway. But even still, I feel incompetent. I feel like I should have more accomplished. Maybe I need to take a break. Maybe I need to see the whole picture. Maybe I need to take this year and do all I can so I can have my early-life-crisis when I turn 25.

I think that will be my goal. Starting once I turn 24, I want to live it like it is my last (cliche, I know. Think figuratively). Give that year all that I have. I am going to write down all the important things and check them off if it is within my possibility. Driving fast cars (maybe a driving class with expensive cars), travel around the world (around-the-world plane ticket), watching the Olympics (Vancouver, BC?), buying my motorcycle (I got my license..), get married (ladies? I'm accepting applications, ha ha), and I don't know what else. But I think I am going to let next year be the year. I can freak out on my birthday after that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Get every post. Don't miss any and read them when you want. Click here.

Allowing it to hurt. Part 2

2009-11-13T17:44:00.000-08:00

This was not meant to be a two part post, but I got some quick feedback that made me realize it needed some explanation. So here goes.

Why do we strive to find comfort? Do we seek comfort above all else? What is more important to us, growth or pain-free living? If you look at the buying trends of Americans, the answer is obvious. Granted, this could just be proving my point that life is suffering and therefore we spend more money to get out of it than back into it. But wouldn't it rather make sense that if it is inevitable, shouldn't we as humans learn to adapt? Since that is what we are so good at. That is the strongest animalistic trait that we have as humans. We have the ability to adapt in our environment. In almost any environment, with almost any situations including paraplegia and prison and lottery winnings [min 5:30 of video], we can readjust to our surroundings.

Life is suffering. This is not a doomsday forecast. This is yesterday, today and tomorrow.
On a positive note, Life is good. I never said otherwise. For the most part, I enjoy my life. I hope you enjoy yours. I believe that life is to be enjoyed to its fullest. But my point is that life cannot be enjoyed to its fullest if you are trying to protect yourself from pain and suffering.

Risk. Opportunity. Possibility. Taking chances. All these come with a likely chance at failure. Love is lost is hurt. Marriage is vulnerability and pain (speaking from second-hand info, not experience). Learning has growth pains. Enjoy it. Find the good in it. Find the joy in it, because if you don't, you will forever seek a life without pain, and that life sounds worthless.

******************************
For part 1, click here.

Allowing it to hurt. Part 1

2009-11-12T16:29:00.000-08:00

In Buddhism there are what they call The Four Noble Truths. This is their path to nirvana and peace in nothingness. But this is not where I am headed. What I am going to focus on is their number one truth/realization:

"Life is Suffering"

How simple. It says something that makes your reaction something around "duh." But isn't this the anti-thesis of our existence? Do we not fight with all our might to ward off pain and suffering? I find not only this true, but also that I go out of my way to ward off even the slightest discomfort.

Prepare yourself, I am about to disclose some personal information. I own about 20-ish pairs of shoes. I have not counted in a while. (In high school I had about 17, but 12 of which were specifically for sports, and one or two nice pair for church, a pair to get dirty, and two for school, now they are all casual shoes). But to get to my point, I usually only wear my one white pair of Vans. Why is this? Because they are the most comfortable pair of shoes I have. No other pair fits as well as these and looks good all the time.

So what is my point in all of this? I have spent a lot of money to look cool just in the area of footwear, but when it comes down to it, I bypass all others to wear my most comfortable pair (which ironically cost the cheapest). This is how far my avoidance of pain goes.

The point isn't about wearing uncomfortable shoes, but instead the fact that we run away from pain at almost any cost. Life is Suffering. Everything hurts. Exercise hurts, work sucks, love stinks, et cetera. Get out of your bubble of Americana and this ideological dream of endless money so that you can insure your way out of problems. Welcome to Life, Life is Suffering.

*****************************
Intentionally, this was going to be the one and only post specifically on this topic, but for explanation's sake, here is part 2.

My Relient

2009-11-10T23:32:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder why I want so badly to listen to music as I fall asleep. Sometimes it's obvious. In a way, it is a lyrical cuddle [phrase stolen from someone famous], but it is so easy to make it an escape from the thoughts running through my mind.

I don't want to think about work. I don't want to think about my problems. I don't want to think about tomorrow. Is this a bad thing? Should I embrace the mindless splattering in my thought filled world? Or should I let it go? Is it not vital to stop thinking so I can fall asleep?

Honestly, I think it is the latter. You have to know how to turn your brain off. My brain does not have an on/off switch, but I can crowd it with filler so that autopilot takes over. Imagining being on stage in front of all my groupies. Belting out this music I can only imagine I wrote. Life really is a dream.

But until that happens, I'm going to enjoy my Relient K album that I have been enjoying ever since I caught on to the words. Apparently it is about a break up. Apparently I did not listen to it closely enough to realize that at first. And apparently it was foreshadowing. So here I go. Goodnight.

The next step

2009-11-10T20:45:00.000-08:00

What goes up must come down. And when you go out on a limb, more often than not, you will be left out there to fall. When you show your ugly side, most people will not be attracted to it. Facts of life.

So how do we keep the courage to continue to keep off the masks? You stop, realize that life usually sucks more than doesn't and you trudge along. One thing I am learning in sales is that most people will say no. That remains true to dating. Thankfully I do not have to date each of my customers before they buy from me.

But as I continue, I realize that I have the option to take it in stride, realize it hurts--some failures more than others--and take the time to assess the pain and move on in time. As I laid on my shag rug last night in front of my space heater (there's something nostalgic about a space heater), I seriously thought that there should be a switch, a lesson learned and move on. But once again, I am wrong. So once again, I laid in front of my space heater and screamed out. Wanting the pain to stop. Trying to decide which self-medication form I would take to try to move on (fyi, it was music. Owl City to be precise).

And so the cycle starts again. This time with another lesson learned. And more known about me. And another branch that could not hold my weight.

In less important news, this is my 100th post

2009-11-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

This is the problem with social networking. This is the problem with online branding. This is the problem with life as it is told we should live. Why are we told to be on our best behavior. Why should we put our best foot forward. Why do we dress up one step higher in our job interview. Answer to question #1: in order to not embarrass our parents. Answer to question #2: cuz the other foot sucks. Answer to question #3: to create a good first impression.

So essentially I just answered my problem, which was my problem with life, right? Wrong.

The problem is that in this online world of real-time updates, we don't emit all the real stuff. It is as if we our in a continual job application process called life, continually being told not to embarrass the parents by acting out in public. But what if all you can muster up in your entire being is frustration? What if every hand you've been dealt for the last ten rounds seem to be an off-suit 7 and 2? What if you're done with the branding of Colin, LLC, and really want to be Colin Jameson Reay, the guy who would love to surf the web, start a cool internet company, and build his own house? Why can't I be me without fear of my parents being embarrassed because of me? Why can't I feel like some person out there is proud of my accomplishments because they are my accomplishments, not a cool list of "About Me"or "My Interests" so that people will continue to look through the rest of my Facebook page.

What if the ideals were never real, and what was real was never dealt with until now. And now is much more painful than before.

How can I be so funny on Twitter, until I feel people aren't laughing. Then I stop being funny.

What is the purpose, what is the desired result? Is it to match your profile? Is it to be continually funny to keep the people laughing, keep them having a good time, keep being who you really want to be? Or is it to be who you really are? To allow the self-depricating humor to hit a little too close to home. To be yourself when you know people have been buying your product, and the new packaging won't be quite as attractive. It isn't exactly eye-catching or innovative, but it will be deep and it will not disappoint if that is what you are truly after. If it is the center of the tootsie-pop you want, you have to get through the outer shell first.

But on the flip-side, we want to be who we've been trying to be. I want to be funny. I want to be attractive. I will not leave my house if I am wearing something unattractive, so why should my Facebook updates be any different? Just as I don't allow cameras watching my life 24/7, I shouldn't emote every time I feel depressed and alone. I don't have an emo band. I don't wear ultra-skinny jeans. or a head-band.

But instead, I just want to know and understand how to balance this act. My Men's Health articles will tell me what a donut scarf is, how to cook the best salmon, and to when to replace your Creed albums [which was 2002, by the way], but it won't have an article on exactly when to tell your girlfriend that you're actually quite screwed up and have been seeing a counselor for all the things you went through growing up. There isn't a forum asking when and how often you can twitter your true feelings so your boss won't be worried about your psychological state. And it won't give you step-by-step instructions on actually feeling loved, not just getting laid.

And so there it is. The problem, the questions, the frustration, and the verbal vomit from trying to wear my heart on my sleeve after wearing a suit to cover it up. There isn't an answer, there might be solutions, but this time the light at the end of the tunnel is a bit further than normal. I know the train already went through; that was the light I thought I saw. The exit will be a little further out. But [to end in a typical MusingsOfColin positive way] I know there is an exit, because the train had to enter somewhere.

88 Important Truths

2009-10-31T18:40:00.000-07:00

Some things I wish I could have written, but this I was just glad to read, so read this post: 88 Important Truths

What life is all about

2009-10-31T17:59:00.000-07:00

Realizing what life is all about should be a class we could take in junior high, high school, or college, or all three since none of us would really pay attention although we might take notes - at least the smart kids would. But some things in life, or rather, the best things in life are not things taught in school, but they are found, discovered.

That was my plug against our current education system.

But the truth of it all comes at nearly 24 years of existence. What takes 24 years to learn? If something that important takes that long, what did we learn in the 12 years of required school of 9 months at a time? It must not have been important. It probably wasn't since I don't remember anything except how to procrastinate, cheat without getting caught, and how to embellish a 1 page paper into 12.

So here I am, learning for the first time in my life. Too bad my best years when my brain is a sponge are gone. Not to be too facetious, but finally free from expectations of perfect report cards and mass-produced vomited answers for quizzes and tests, I can now expect for myself. I can learn from myself and those around me. And they are lessons that are truly useful. Not the year Columbus sailed the ocean blue (which was 1642, I believe, or some date that rhymes with 'blue').

So what now? Nothing. I think. I was never taught what to do.

And that is my point. My point that I am just now realizing how ill-equipped I am for this life that I have been living for the last 24 years. I can finally admit to myself that I have no clue what I am doing. But it took throwing off all expectations of school and finishing my education to really learn. Ironic.

As glad as I am to finally be here, I get frustrated by my own frustration thanks to what I don't know.

What do I know? I know how to procrastinate, to fill time with busy work, to do the least amount of work for passing grades, to cram all studying into the night before because you don't really need any more. I learned to interact in a classroom setting (which is nothing like real life, fyi). I learned more from watching those around me and doing the things that were of interest to me (ie. sports, acting, cars, star wars [side note, I probably know more about star wars than any history of the US or world or any other class I ever took], music of the 60's 70's [skip 80's] 90's & 00's [?], computer games, etc).

Since now is a new time of life where I am forced to push myself and to create my own future since it is now in my hands rather than my teacher's or adviser's or parent's, I am a bit freaked out. But at least I have realized more about what life is all about. And what is that realization? I have no clue...

The rain today.

2009-09-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

So here it is. Finally. A post that is more than just the normal conundrum of my life. Boring, I know.

But what does that take? What distracts my mind from everything back to my own selfish self? As I went camping this weekend, I sensed all my thoughts were either wrapped around my selfish self or some other completely negative thought. I do not want that to become who I am. Neither selfish nor depressing. I could blame it on a million things that logically make sense and could be tracked back to. Either way is regressive. So what now? I don't know...

But what I do know is that I am going to kill that last part of me. Not literally, no need for intervention. But metaphorically. It will come back I understand, but it is not who I want to become, so for that reason, I am leaving it behind. All this murderous and walking metaphors make me want to watch a movie.

Possibly, this is just a natural evolution: contentment, apathetic, discontent, upset, angry, answers, reoriented, repeat. At least that is how it has been, in a 3 month cycle with small cycles thrown in between to keep me on my toes. So here goes... the next chapter... the next season. Step one, getting refocused on progress and goals. Getting up earlier. I'm gonna shoot for around 5am and maybe pull it back from there, we will see where it goes. But it is in the name of focus and discipline. I got motivated thanks to Steve Pavlina's blog post on becoming an early riser. So read it and get motivated too, if you want. Otherwise stay tuned on how it goes with me.

Taking that step.

2009-09-03T18:35:00.001-07:00

It has been a long time. So long I must be reminded how this all works. But it quickly comes back. As does the backlog of all that has been going through my mind. All the working refusing to quiet as I attempt to live day to day. Or rather, willing to let me live my days, only to haunt me throughout the night unwilling to allow sleep. Maybe "haunt" is too caustic of a word.

Somewhere in this Twitter filled lifestyle, these long passages seem almost irrelevant. Once the times pass, how can I really go back and give an accurate rendering of what really happened? Of how I really felt? And that is the key. In the good as well as the bad, how do I remember what I have learned even though I know each event has turned me one way or another. Although the current product of me 2.0 is what it is because of each happening, how do I remember the biggest turns so that I can go back and relive to continue that direction when I turn away? Especially this week. Once again I fall back on the typical doubts that have been forced into my head for so long. Once again I let life slip away into fear. into the hurt that I have somehow been able to forget. into the distraction that keeps me from being content. And finally I was called out. Called out, reaffirmed, and re-established. Good pain. Being told the reality that I haven't wanted to accept and look at.

And at that time, life becomes reality. No more running from it. Instead I accept what it is. Whatever this is. And I move. And I see. And I am comfortable. And I am content. For once. Content with myself, the world, as vague as that is, being able to sit back and instead of wanting I can love again. I can be honest with myself and all those around me. Such a small step, but finally the right step heading the right way.

Glad to Move on.

2009-07-11T20:35:00.000-07:00

I'm glad to hear that you didn't care
Those feelings, I guess we never did share
Did you lie? Fake? Are they really just gone?
If that's the case, I'm glad you've moved on.

I was honest and straight, never gave less.
Was never afraid to show you the rest
Of my ugly side I like to keep locked away.
But then you move on after barely two days.

My heart isn't broken, I'm glad you moved on.
I'm glad we haven't spoken. I'm glad that you're gone.
I know I deserve better than a little girl like you.
I just wish you had felt what I felt, too.

I'd like to imagine, once more you'd think of me
And remember the kiss, the hug, but we
Would never have worked, I wish I'd seen
Earlier. But I'm happy. I'll take what had been.

The Escape

2009-05-13T18:41:00.000-07:00

And it just builds. Builds past the point at which I can keep it in. That ambiguous feeling that I cannot quite put a finger on. The reason for continuously checking my phone and facebook while knowing there is no new messages. I miss home for no reason. I miss comfort without defining it. So I leave. I escape to another state, another country, alone. What am I really looking for?

That was my question even before I bought the tickets. Still unanswered. But then all of a sudden, the feeling returns. This feeling of something I cannot deny but must aprehend. Even still, the words refuse to form around the emotions that are there.

All this builds on top of the numerous thoughts and procedings of life. None of which are negative, but all of which fill up my time in my life and real estate in my head. The fact is I know my writing quality has dropped off. Mostly to laziness. But that laziness is based in the fact (albeit assumption) that no one is reading. Maybe not no one, but the person that I want to read it is not. I do not have someone to write to. Life is a story meant to be shared. Life shared is love.

Maybe that is what I am seeking. But how am I seeking that by running away? Am I really running? Or am I just becoming someone I cannot be while staying? Is it the search that I am after? The journey is the growth and the search is the journey. Who says that I have to find it in one continent or the other. And so here I am, flying away, seeking a new experience, maybe seeking a new experience to add to all others. Collecting in a way. An expensive collection, and sometimes quickly fleeting, yet what is your collection? What is a better, more noble, desire? I am not looking at the monetary value, or the bragging rights (to be honest, I might be somewhat), but I need that break from everyday life and everything that is familiar.

When did familiarities not allow us to live the life we want? And what, again, is it we want? If it was only a quantifiable, easy answer. If everything I could want could be listed out is such a robotic way that i could then buy or grab on my way home like a grocery list. But it is so much more. So much deeper. It is something to be found, not bought. Almost achieved but not not like a video game, more like a medal. But to get back to point, when we live a life not our own, we relinquish our rights to life. In one way, this is right. My life is not mine, but the One that I serve and by whom I choose to live. But this proves my point. As soon as we start to live by the rules and ideas of those around us we give that power to the mortals who are more foolish and insane than you. Not as a defamation against all humanity, but let’s face it, no one is better at living your life than you, so shouldn’t you live it?

That is what I have been seeking: a way to live my own life without having to run away. As you grow up, your life is directly attached to your family’s, but as you grow up that changes to your own life, your own friends, your own everything. Nothing is stopping me from anything in this foreign country. The best feeling in the world was driving last week with the windows down, music loud, and no responsibility to be anywhere but there. It was enjoying the moment and forgetting the past and future that allowed me to grasp the freedom and enjoyment. And so this is living, choosing to live, choosing to live your own life. Living that life without fear and in a way that can seek virtue and good. Without worry about life (that won’t do anything), and without pride (because that is only detrimental to everything and everyone), and with continuing to seek and search out this journey and continue this story we are all apart of.

Control

2009-05-07T13:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes from nowhere. Sometimes from somewhere specific. Usually without warning. Feelings. Thoughts. Fears. They all emote. Projecting their specific expression into your body and mind. What do you do with them is up to you. Do you harbor them? Do you reject them? Disregard and move on or accept, cultivate, and progress with them?

In this cruel world, we seek these feelings. We feel to be alive. Without feelings we are dead. And death is our greatest fear. To die is to completely let go and give up. This is not literal death but metaphorical. Walking dead. Zombies in this corporate world. They surround us. We all know a few. They epitomize the lack of life. And that is our greatest fear. Living without life. Instead we seek it everywhere else.

If that is death, what is life? Life is the culmination of feeling and not simply surviving. Such a simple analogy of life and death, but is it not true? What is life without feeling? And the greatest, strongest, most desirable feeling is love. To love and be loved. To be loved can be as empty as not loving because without mirroring that feeling, it is empty. Without love, life equals slowly dying. And do we really wonder why our kids are cutting themselves and committing suicide in record numbers? That sounds like an excellent option when you do not have someone to love and love you back. And I am not being sarcastic.

So instead, I try to feel. I try to reach out and live. Without living I am dying. There is an ability, or an option, to control your emotions rather than live by them. The fact of pain in life is part of feeling. It is not something to seek, but to accept and continue living. Continue growing. Without growth, there is death. Without conflict and resistance there is no growth. Opposite of love is hate. Opposite of growth is death. Opposite of living is indifference.

Playing the game

2009-04-26T19:05:00.000-07:00

Is it all a game? Are we just playing different aspects of the same board game? It is as if one person is going for all the railroads, someone else is trying for all the utilities, and someone else is just trying to stay out of jail and get past Go for that $200.

What is this? Is it just a game? Are we just playing with our own bodies and minds trying to get ahead like in a race? Are we really trying to be the best versions of ourselves? Should we stop ourselves from achieving that goal? What is wrong with that? I wouldn't mind being the best version of me. Only, what am I willing to stop at? How far is too far? Should I even care?

I have been reading an article on neuro-enhancers and how they increase cognition. Incredible, and I can completely understand because when I have taken Vicodin and can focus and accomplish much more than usual. On top of that, I feel like a much better person: more outgoing, funnier, more lively. With the side affects of eating bad food and drinking, how much worse could these be for you, especially with the benefits that you get? The possibilities are endless when tempted with something like this. They are simple steps to get ahead and strive for more. Why not? If we are here playing a game, then should we not try to win? or at least be a better player?

The possible future

2009-04-15T00:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I see that end of the tunnel. As if, what if, how else, et cetera. I see it clearly, as if in some altered state. Right now it is black and white and like a movie. Here it plays, no chance of rewinding, but it does have alternate endings. But that clarity is still so vague, so ambiguous and foreign. I live here and now. Living in the pool of my thoughts. Thinking through the forest of ponderings and trains available for departure and return. Where do they go, more importantly, where do they stop? All in one vast photograph of the past present and future. What a vague representation of the specific times emotions and feelings of people closest to me. The permanence of past, liquidity of love, and frailty of life itself. The day to day ebb and flow of each action, thought, and idea. It all wanes together in some force in this whole world. While being watched through the judging eyes of our own audience. Our audience of fools and lovers. The pressure. The fate... What we call life.

Extreme OCD

2009-04-11T08:58:00.000-07:00

So paralyzed by fear. And it is fear which is unseated in anything meaningful. Obsessive compulsive people act out of irrational fears. We all have some irrational fears. And we all act out of some sense of fear. Fear and greed, they are the strongest motivators known to man. Some people have better control, yet some are completely controlled by them.

Today I saw a man who could not face the counter at the coffee shop. He decided to walk backwards the entire time and never looked at a single person. It was the oddest thing I have ever seen in real life. How do you get to that point? Where is his disconnect between his world and reality? What kind of thought process justifies such irrational behavior. I have had friends who must hit the button for the crosswalk a certain number of times, must wash their face a certain number of times, wash their hands in the restroom at least a certain number of times. Most of these are the are thanks to the marketing of cleaning product companies and overzealous news anchors. The foolish and extreme stories that are based on minor details and random facts to manufacture a story to sell to gullible people. They manufacture fear. And fearful people soak it up. It is why people are more afraid of the public bathroom than the public pool which has more excrements and is dirtier than most bathrooms.

But as I look into my own unsettled fear, what is causing irrational behavior for myself? What are my own irrational behaviors that are seated in unjustifiable fears? Why do I refuse to wear red, white, and blue in one outfit, even if it doesn't look patriotic or coordinated? Why do I sometimes fidget on my phone in order to feel productive or busy rather than sit there comfortably alone in the moment? Why do I clam up whenever I talk with attractive girls even if there is no reason to be afraid? Why do I focus so much on other peoples' thoughts and approval of my every move when I know it is impossible to satisfy them all? And why do I fear so much of my future that I usually refuse to risk it?

So much progress has been made on where I have been previously, but still so much remains left perfectly irrational (such an oxymoron). So this is the fight. This is the struggle between actions and fear-filled twisted logic. How would it even look if we could live without fear? in perfect rationality? What if each step we took would be perfectly purposeful and logical? Is that really what we should strive for? I do not think so, but just that ideal would be so many steps better than where we are. When will what we crave and desire actually match up with what we should (such a vague claim) and what is purposeful (such an subjective term)?

The worries of the Beach

2009-04-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

What is it about the beach? The constant white noise of the waves crashing. The bright lights of the stars and moon illuminating only a few details. The cold sand under my feet. The warm breeze across the sand and my exposed skin. The grass whistling back and forth. Somehow the worries and thoughts of normal life just disappear. The struggles of money, life, relationships, and girls. All the stresses every day through my mind seem to melt away and I can enjoy the moment.

Maybe the white noise keeps my normal noise down. Maybe the light keeps my eyes on the environment at present. Maybe the solitude and soothing silence keeps the loneliness away. Maybe the cold sand and the warm breeze keeps me focused here and now at this time in life. Maybe the fresh air keeps the out the corporate ideal from entraping my entire being.

Whatever it is, I can be here and now and enjoy the peace. I can forget the life and struggles at home and grasp the peace and serenity of the moment.

The Thought

2009-03-31T20:28:00.001-07:00

And then it hit me. Not like a brick, or a swift kick to the face. But more like a subtle "duh."

And there I was sitting. First just in my car, but it grew more as I sat in the book store. It is one day, then it is the next, then it is the next. And on and on until you cannot remember the last few days. I sit and I think and I dream, but that is where it stops. I need to go and do. I want to conquer. I want to be.

This, here and now will accomplish nothing. Why do I hold myself back? Why do I drag my feet? Why do I allow the struggles of each day keep me from accomplishing tomorrow? No more. I'm done with that.

Things are going to change.

Worse than Love

2009-03-29T00:21:00.001-07:00

I can only think of one thing. This one act of will pushes past the normal pain into extreme. Feeling unloved is one thing. Knowing that few to no one cares can be so painful. But having to deny love is something else entirely. Being in a place where that need could be met, but realizing you are not here to merely meet needs. To try to forget what once was love, or something with its appearance. Not nearly to forget, but remember without the same feeling. To enjoy the taste without the presence.

All these similar feelings rush around like money in a game show. Only this time you cannot grab. The goal is to sit there and watch because you have been on this show before, and this money is not the true prize.

Hope again for another day. Another shot at it.

Me?

2009-03-26T00:16:00.001-07:00

Why do I think so much of myself? Ironic question in itself. Counterproductive to its intended purpose as it is. Useless to gain it's own goal.

But what is my point? My point is that the harder you try to get away from yourself, the closer you get. Same goes for most everything. The more you try to leave it, the more it becomes a part of you, the more times you gravitate toward that moment, that emotion, that time, that person.

The act of the moving is counteracted by its opposite. Not a play on words but a fact of life. Maybe if we could only stop fighting? No. Maybe if we could only stop thinking? No again. The tail only turns us around if we choose to chase it. There are other leads to chase after.