Everyone's Gran

I Have Been Given An Award!

2012-04-09T23:13:00.001+10:00

Wow! I am overcome, and happy and embarrassed and proud as well.

A fellow blogger, who writes of her immense struggle with not just depression but also withdrawal from Prozac, has given me the Liebster Award. You can find her amazing, inspirational blog at Prozac Withdrawal. I thank her so much!

Well digging around I find that the word liebster is German, and means 'dearest' or similar! How nice is that! The idea is for us to pass this award on, to help bring attention to our new, or fairly new blogs - usually ones with not many followers. I can relate to that!

There are a few simple rules, as I understand it, which are:

Thank the person that nominated you on your blog and link back to them.

Nominate up to five other blogs for the award.

Let them know via a comment on their blog.

Post the award on your blog.

Aha! Now let the fun begin! I see I have fulfilled rule one. Now to find five other blogs for the award!

Not in any order are my choices, most of which are, at least in part, about depression and the battle of the black dog:

Dance Without Sleeping - Because, just because!

Flossing the Cat - How could anyone resist?

Love in the Nest - Amazing blog, amazing blogger

Adventures of a Middle-Aged Matron - Gentle, inspirational lady

Dribbling Pensioner - Funny and outrageous!

The Headline Was "Million Dollar Baby"

2012-04-09T22:01:00.003+10:00

I am being way judgmental here, and not going to apologise for it! My THIB (thinks he is boss!) showed me an article in the Sunday paper - with the above title.

A couple, who have two little boys, went to USA for the honeymoon they 'never had'.   She was 24 weeks pregnant. To cut a long story short, the baby decided to pop out early, at 24 1/2 weeks.   Mum is now stuck in Orlando, Florida, with her prem baby Gracee in hospital, while Dad has returned to Brisbane.

The couple had holiday insurance with AAMI but the company said that "Gracee was not covered by their policy because she did not exist at the time of cover".   AAMI is also refusing to pay Mum's medical bills, as she had a "pre-existing condition" - i.e., pregnancy.

According to the news report, it is costing approximately $5,000 a day, PLUS doctor's and specialist's fees for Gracee. Mum's hospital bill, for three days, was $30,000. So far the bill for baby Gracee has reached $300,000. It is expected she will need to remain in hospital for a further 60 to 80 days.

Added to the silliness already racked up is the fact that as Gracee was born in USA she cannot enter Australia until she has a Visa. That I find quite strange and rather extraordinary - after all, my daughter was born in UK and yet I registered her birth with the Consulate and she automatically became an Australian Citizen.

Something about this is either a bit off or mis-reported. I guess it must be something to do with the laws in USA?

There is now a campaign to raise money to help the couple and their baby. They have paid "as a show of good faith" $10,000 toward the medical costs.

Now comes my judgement ok? The lady in question said she already had two children who were born full term, and therefore she figured this pregnancy would go to full term. Hmmm. Didn't she realise that all pregnancies are different? There are NO guarantees, none. Anything can happen, and at any time, and often does. And I don't know about any other mums out there, but at 24 weeks pregnant, whether cleared for travel by a doctor or not, I would be sticking fairly close to home. For obvious reasons!

As far as AAMI goes? They aren't the only ones who don't cover pregnancy and childbirth, from what I read. In the AAMI Product Disclosure Statement, it is stated quite clearly that pregnancy and childbirth will not be covered.

One of the comments I have read about this unfortunate incident says "An unfortunate gamble by these parents, that has ended up costing them for the rest of their lives.. "

Me? I just think they were irresponsible. And they obviously aren't the smartest pair on the block........

Two morals - read the damned document, and don't travel 12 hours on a plane when you are so far advanced in your pregnancy....

3 Year Old Run Over And Killed

2012-03-09T22:32:00.003+10:00

This is the saddest story I have read for quite a while, and I am sending my thoughts and love to the community where this happened.

Last night, 8th March, in a suburb near Cairns, Nth Queensland, a 3 year old was run over by two cars, and died later in Cairns Base Hospital. The little boy was disabled, and could not walk.

Apparently a door didn't close properly when someone went outside, and the little boy crawled out and into the road. It was about 8.40 p.m. and the drivers of the two vehicles had little hope of seeing the small boy, who was wearing dark clothing. It appears that he was hit by one car, and thrown into the path of the second.

Shocked and desperate neighbours tried to resuscitate little Lachlan, whose foster father was distraught.

A police spokeswoman, Sergeant Coolican, said "Everyone involved in the incident is terribly upset, and that includes police and paramedics who did attend and the people involved in the car crash".

2 Year Olds To Get Lessons In Anger Management?

2012-03-09T21:50:00.003+10:00

Dear reader, why is it that every time there is some article online which catches my attention, it is about some utterly ridiculous theory by a supposed 'expert' on children and their behaviour?

This time it was the Mail Online (or should I say, as usual it was the Mail Online?) which reported that a UK Government 'discipline expert' - a Mr. Charlie Taylor, has drawn up a proposal which was designed to "improve provision for disruptive youngsters in the wake of last summer’s riots". Fair enough so far? Sounds good doesn't it. But when you read through the article, you won't think it is quite as sensible as it sounds.

Mr. Taylor thinks that children at risk of turning to crime and aggression "can and should be identified at the age of TWO" and that children who are likely to 'go off the rails' should be "sent to specialist behavioural institutions at the age of FIVE - to stop their bad behaviour escalating"??

The most frightening thing about this is that the article states that Mr. Taylor's report was likely to be endorsed in full by the government. Mr. Taylor does not hesitate to say that he thinks nurseries should be able to spot the ones who have behavioural 'issues' and to then "provide them with boundaries and social skills". Hello, hello? That is what we parents strive mightily to provide for our kids!

I don't know about you Mr. Taylor, even if you are the headmaster of the Willows School - I sincerely doubt whether you have had experience of an ordinary toddler going through the 'terrible twos' or threes or fours come to that. In my humble opinion it is simply not logical thinking to believe that we can identify future problem kids at age two. I mean, for pity's sake, these are BABIES, who are learning what the word 'no' means, and learning that they actually have a separate identity from their mum. They are bound to be little horrors at time, it is all part and parcel of the growing up process.

If some nosy do-gooder like you told me that my two year old needed to be put into a 'specialist nursery' - well, gee I would want to give you the other side of my tongue to be honest. As for your totally ridiculous statement about "some difficulties around speech and language very often as well. Often not potty trained". The article didn't state at what age the kids weren't potty trained, or at what age they had difficulties with speech and language - but surely you simply CAN'T be talking about two and three year olds? Surely not? And what do you do about the little one who is behaving like a fruit loop until mum works out that she is having a reaction to chemicals in her food? (And it took one of my daughter's acquaintances twelve months to identify and isolate 24 E numbers that were doing her child great harm.) Would you have the love or patience to do this, or would you just keep her locked up until she turned 21?

Fair enough to say that some five year olds are disruptive and probably some younger ones as well. My own reading of this situation is that you surely shouldn't be taking the children and putting them into what amounts to an institution - even if you try to get them back into mainstream school quickly. Surely the ones to be taught are the parents? Wouldn't it be far far better for schools to have parenting classes? And if a child is proving to have problems with relating to others, aggression etc., wouldn't it be better to have classes which include the parents - most of us fly by the seat of our pants, and if a few have no idea what to do when their child throws a wobbly, then show them!

About the statement you made that "the aim was to help children early ‘rather than waiting until they are throwing tables around when they are 14 or 15"? Quite a feat if you can do that, my lad. It often happens (and if you lived in the real world you would know this) that a decently brought up child falls in with some not so respectable mates at school, and peer pressure does the rest. All the early intervention in the world will not prevent this from happening. Peer pressure is mightier than the teacher, on any day of the week. And for heaven's sake don't forget hormones during the teen years!

As far as this intervention helping to prevent things like the riots happening again in the future - dream on kiddo! It wasn't toddlers and tiny tots who were doing the rioting and thieving, as you well know. It was disenfranchised youth - perhaps your government would be better served by someone working out how to help the underprivileged and the homeless, the jobless and the hopeless. While these situations exist you have the potential for riots at any time in your future, whether you tame a toddler or not.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2111844/Children-age-TWO-lessons-anger-management-contain-themselves.html#ixzz1ocO4xhRB

The Women Rapists of Zimbabwe

2012-03-08T21:14:00.001+10:00

What was your first reaction when you read that title? Mine? I started to laugh, 'cause I'm human and a female - and there doesn't seem to be an epidemic of female rapists - in fact it appears at first thought that there can't have been many female rapists throughout history. And a man being raped by a woman usually doesn't appear to involve extreme violence and pain. But that is another blog! A further cause for amusement is that this happened in Zimbabwe, a male dominated country.

From media reports, there was a gang of women operating in Zimbabwe, who were 'terrorising' men from 2010 until their arrest in 2011. These women would pick up male hitch-hikers, and sedate them by spraying "some liquid" in their faces. They would then be forced to "be intimate with women at gun point". (Africa Review) The women used condoms to harvest and save the men's sperm. They used aphrodisiacs to cause the men to have an erection.

In one incident, a 30-year-old man was kidnapped by, and forced to be intimate with three women for five days, after they drugged him. At one stage a couple of men were assisting the women with their kidnapping activities. Various other methods of capturing men were employed, including luring men with the offer of work. One man was promised employment in the town of Mutare. He met a man he knew, in Harare, and was introduced to another man and two women who were described as 'friends'. They headed for Mutare, where they had promised the victim employment. During the journey they bought drinks, with one of the women handing her unfinished drink to the victim, who drank the remaining liquid.


Zimbabwean Police

He "suddenly felt dizzy and started sweating before falling unconscious". He awoke feeling weak, and found himself in a wooded area near Magamba Training Centre in Mutare. At the time of his awakening, he found one of the women having sex with him.


Mutare, Zimbabwe

"The police spokesman added: “In that state, he was forced to have sex with both women who are said to have been wearing female condoms. (female condoms?) The alleged female rapists drugged him with a stimulant before they both had sex with him till about midnight.” (approximately twelve hours total)

The attack stopped when the man started “producing blood”, Inspector Chabata said, forcing a member of the gang to observe that he was “no longer useful”.
The man was dumped at the spot and did not regain consciousness until noon on Saturday. He was treated at Mutare Provincial Hospital." (From Zimeye)

The media speculated that the attacks were made to gather sperm for either ritualistic purposes, or for traditional medicine. I am wondering if it was for the purpose of selling on the internet, but maybe that is a bit way out as a theory! Whatever the use, the returns appear to have been lucrative, by all reports.


The three women who were arrested

As often happens, the accused women were caught purely by accident - literally! A male accomplice, Thulani Ngwenya (24) was apparently driving a car which was involved in a road accident. The women reportedly rushed to the scene to collect their valuable loot, which was in the car - 31 or 33 (depending on the source) condoms, 4 of them containing sperm. The women were unfortunate in that the police arrived at the scene before them, and discovered the condoms. That's a big ooops, girls! And after their arrest?

Harare, October 15, 2011 -A group of women accused of raping men around Zimbabwe at gunpoint brought the Harare magistrate court to a standstill on Friday.
The three women dressed in designer clothes and fancy hairstyles looked unfazed by the bizarre charges that they are facing. They were quite relaxed as they appeared in the dock.

Sophie Tendai Ngwenya, 26, Netsai Monica Nhokwara, 24 and Rosemary Chakwizira, 28, attracted a huge crowd of onlookers when they were brought before Harare magistrate Kudakwashe Jarabini on Friday.

Whatever the sperm was being 'harvested' for still remains a little mysterious. The trial has been delayed because DNA evidence has yet to be produced by the State, apparently because of logistical difficulty in transporting the results from South Africa.

And at the accused's first appearance in court? Seventeen men, including a soldier and a policeman came forward, claiming that they were “raped” by the three women.


One of the women accused of rape

In the most bizarre end note, the women, who claim to be busy prostitutes who didn't have time to dispose of the fruits of their labours, cannot be charged with rape because Zimbabwean law does not recognise that women can rape men. I wonder how long it will be before that law is changed?

The three suspected female rapists — Netsai Nhokwara, Rosemary Chakwizira and Sophie Nhokwara — shy away from the camera before their release from Chikurubi Maximum Security Prison

And just for interest - here is a link to a very thought-provoking editorial about the bias being shown toward these women.

Who Is This Gina Ford? She Is Obviously Unbalanced..

2012-03-07T20:17:00.001+10:00

Those of you who know me also know I don't live in England (although I did at one stage!) so have never heard of this Ford woman. She sounds like a complete moron, to be honest.

She is described in the Mail Online as "Britain’s most popular childcare writer" - which has me baffled and stunned, as according to the article she has never had children? How on earth can anyone write about child care when they have never been a parent? It's beyond me how she can be the most popular, particularly in light of what appears to be her latest effort at advising mothers of a new baby.

According to her, "women should show sexual interest in their man four to six weeks after having a baby".... even if you don't feel like it! She must be from some other planet I think. Whatever happened to new mums being advised to refrain from sexual relations until six weeks, at least, after the birth of their baby?

This Gina dame is quite insulting towards men - she seems to think that your man will lose interest and trot off somewhere else for the odd bit of nooky if you don't come across asap. Never mind that you are both overwhelmed, exhausted, shell-shocked, and generally struggling through the toughest time you have experienced as a couple. Especially if mum has been through a traumatic birth experience, is stitched from here to there and back again, has had a c-section, is still bleeding, or is just plain still horribly sore from the birth.

She actually advises that sometimes "you may just have to grin and bear it"......what? That is sure the way to stop your partner from feeling 'emotionally closed out' - come on you stupid woman, do you have any brains at all? Do you honestly believe that our men want us to go along with 'sex' just for the sake of their 'needs' ??? Where the hell is the intimacy and emotional closeness in that? What, lie back and think of England? Think about what colour to paint the ceiling? Meanwhile trying not to shriek because it hurts so much, and your breasts leaking all over the shop, and the baby screaming in the crib next to the bed?

How unreal is her advice? I am frankly appalled that anyone could write such complete drivel, and then even more appalled to read that she has "made millions from her childcare manuals" - now I really really would love to know who has paid for advice from this idiot? And now this advice from a new book she has apparently written, laughing all the way to the bank, whilst merrily wrecking people's lives. Never mind the extra, unwanted pressure she happily puts on new mothers - as if they needed extra stresses at this time. You want an extra guilt trip? Buy this idiot woman's book.

This woman is a troll, pure and simple, and she is taking the mickey out of anyone who is foolish enough to fork over hard-earned money for anything she has written. She obviously has the lowest opinion of men, and is extraordinarily ill-advised about what a breast-feeding mum can and cannot drink - one of her tips - "getting in the mood by drinking wine". So in other words you feel so unwilling and unable that you will need to get drunk and let your partner use you like a prostitute?

That is healthy, is it not? Really good for your relationship. I noted also that :

Miss Ford has been criticised for her views, such as those in 1999’s The Contented Little Baby Book, which urges new mothers to let their babies cry themselves to sleep via her ‘controlled crying’ technique. The most controversial tips in her new book come from mothers who have contributed to the forums on her website, Contentedbaby.com.

Oh my, oh my - so any mother, whether she is knowledgeable or not, whether her parenting methods are poor or not, has been quoted in her book - as some sort of expert one assumes. How bloody dangerous is that? And the controlled crying thing? Everyone (I hope) knows I do NOT and never will agree with this. And now? There is extremely credible information published, about how the danger of letting a baby cry it out at night. Leaving an infant to feel alone, abandoned, insecure and desperate creates unnecessary hormone surges, which can greatly affect them for the rest of their lives, and also affect how they deal with stress. One article from Natural Parenting in Sydney states:

Controlled Crying, also referred to as Comfort Crying or Sleep Training, are well documented to be harmful to the child's brain development and her emotional connection to her mother and even in other relationships later in life.
When you leave a baby to cry, you are not teaching her independence, or the ability to 'self settle', rather the baby is learning not to ask for her needs to be met, because 'no-one is listening and nobody is coming'. In effect, the baby shuts down emotionally on some level. Crying also has negatitve physical effects on the baby's brain development and through the high level of stress hormones that are released into the baby's body during prolonged crying out.

I wonder if this ugly woman realises that even from as far back as five or more years ago it was recognised that controlled crying is dangerous? And by ugly I mean her nature - anyone who writes the things she has written is truly ugly.

The Boy Who Was Raised As A Girl - Botched Circumcision

2012-03-05T22:13:00.001+10:00

You thought I was finished, didn't you? I don't think I will ever be finished on this subject until not one boy in the world is forced to undergo this brutal and unnecessary operation. I want to share with you a story that made me weep, and grind my teeth with fury, and made me want a gun. It still makes me weep. I apologise if the print is blurry, it will be from tears. I do urge you to read it, as it isn't a one-off as far as circumcision horror stories go, and the 'accidents' are still happening to this day. One accident is one too many.

In 1965 in Winnipeg, (Canada) a young couple had twin boys whom they named Brian and Bruce. When the twins were around six or seven months old, their mother took them to the doctor, as they were having trouble urinating. The twins were diagnosed with phimosis, and then given a referral for circumcision. This procedure was carried out on Bruce on 27th April, 1966 by a urologist. For some unknown reason, the urologist used cauterisation to remove the foreskin, and not a scalpel. Something went radically wrong during the procedure, and most of the baby's penis was burned off. There was far too much damage to the penis for it to be repaired surgically.

Not unsurprisingly, baby Brian's operation was cancelled. His phimosis corrected itself, as is most often the case.


The newborn twins with proud mother

Baby Bruce's parents, obviously extremely distressed and worried for their child's future, consulted with many doctors, searching for help for their child. All agreed there was little hope for repair. Then, the Reimers saw a television program about an American psychologist, and his theories on sex and gender. Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore was developing a reputation as a pioneer in the field of sexual development and gender identity. This was based on his work with "intersex" patients.

"Money was a prominent proponent of the 'theory of Gender Neutrality'; that gender identity developed primarily as a result of social learning from early childhood and could be changed with the appropriate behavioural interventions. The Reimers had seen Money being interviewed on the Canadian news program "This Hour Has Seven Days", where he discussed his theories about gender. He and other physicians working with young children born with abnormal genitalia believed that a penis could not be replaced but that a functional vagina could be constructed surgically, and that he would be more likely to achieve successful, functional sexual maturation as a girl than as a boy." (From Wikipedia)

Bruce's parents were convinced by Money and others that this was the best hope for their son, and thus when Bruce was 22 months old, an "orchidectomy" (surgery to remove a testicle/testicles and the full spermatic cord, through an incision in the abdomen. Orchidectomy is one form of castration) was performed on the little boy. Bruce was then renamed 'Brenda', and was to be raised as a girl. John Money must have been ecstatic at this 'gender reassignment' - he had just been handed the perfect control couple in Bruce and his twin Brian.


"Brenda"

"What remained of his penis was left, not to interfere with his urinary tract. When Bruce was released from hospital, his parents were told to raise him as a girl. The family was told not to divulge anything to anyone. They went home with a girl they called Brenda.
"We relatively quickly came to accept that," Janet Reimer told CBC News in 1997. "He was a beautiful little girl."   (From CBC News Indepth)

"This reassignment was considered an especially valid test case of the social learning concept of gender identity for two reasons. First, Reimer's twin brother, Brian, made an ideal control since the two not only shared genes and family environments but had shared the intrauterine environment as well. Second, this was reputed to be the first reassignment and reconstruction performed on a male infant who had no abnormality of prenatal or early postnatal sexual differentiation."   (From Wikipedia)

Over the course of the next 10 years Money provided "psychological support" and saw 'Brenda' annually to assess the outcome of his case.

For some years, Money reported on Reimer's progress, referring to him as the "John/Joan case". He reported successful female gender development, and he used Bruce's case as support for the feasibility of sexual reassignment and surgical reconstruction - even in non-intersex cases. He reported - "The child's behaviour is so clearly that of an active little girl and so different from the boyish ways of her twin brother."   He stated that the twins were happy in their assigned roles. Brian a rough and tumble boy, his sister Brenda a happy little girl. Money was featured in Time magazine and included a chapter on the twins in his famous textbook Man & Woman, Boy & Girl.

However, in notes by a former student at Money's laboratory, it states that during the follow-up visits, which occurred only once a year, Reimer's parents routinely lied to lab staff about the success of the experiment.

From the first, 'Brenda' refused and was confused by her so-called gender, and was bullied and relentlessly teased at school for her masculine walk, behaviour and tastes and was called names such as 'it', 'freak', and 'caveman'.   At the age of only 2, 'Brenda' angrily tore off her dresses. She refused to play with dolls, she would beat up her brother, and take his toy cars and guns. She complained to both her parents and her teachers that she felt like a boy. Because of Dr. Money's strict orders of secrecy, her parents insisted that she was only going through a phase. Meanwhile, 'Brenda's' guilt-ridden mother attempted suicide, and her father descended into alcoholism. Neglected, 'Brenda' eventually descended into drug use, pretty crime, and clinical depression.

'Brenda's' visits to Money in Baltimore were a traumatic experience, rather than supportive, and when Money began pressuring the family to bring 'Brenda' for follow-up surgery, during which a vagina would be constructed, the family discontinued the visits. By the age of 13, 'Brenda' had suicidal depression, and told his parents he would commit suicide if they made him see John Money again.

From Wikipedia: Dr. Money forced the twins to rehearse sexual acts involving "thrusting movements" with (Brenda) playing the bottom role. As a child, Reimer painfully recalled having to get "down on all fours" with his brother, Brian Reimer, "up behind his butt" with "his crotch against" his "buttocks". In another sexual position, Dr. Money forced Reimer to have his "legs spread" with Brian on top. Dr. Money also forced the children to take their "clothes off" and engage in "genital inspections". On at "least one occasion", Dr. Money took a "photograph" of the two children doing these activities. Dr. Money's rationale for these various treatments was his belief that "childhood 'sexual rehearsal play'" was important for a "healthy adult gender identity".

From the age of 22 months through to his teenage years 'Brenda' urinated through a hole surgeons had placed in the abdomen. She was given oestrogen during adolescence, in order to induce breast development. Having no contact with the family once the visits were discontinued, John Money published nothing further about the case to suggest that the reassignment had not been successful.

When 'Brenda' was 13, (the age varies according to the source) his parents finally told him the truth about his gender reassignment, following advice from Reimer's endocrinologist and psychiatrist. At 14, Reimer decided to assume a male gender identity, calling himself David.

"Bruce Reimer said he had one thought at the time: to go to the hospital and track down and shoot the doctor who had botched his circumcision. In the end, he was unable to exact his revenge, but turned his anger on himself. "   (From CBC News Indepth)

Bruce attempted suicide three times. The third, which was an overdose of tablets, left him in a coma. When he recovered, he started on the long road to a normal life as a man. By 1997, Reimer had undergone treatment to reverse the reassignment, including testosterone injections, a double mastectomy, and two phalloplasty (penis reconstruction) operations.

"David soon embarked on the painful process of converting back to his biological sex. A double mastectomy removed the breasts that had grown as a result of oestrogen therapy; multiple operations, involving grafts and plastic prosthesis, created an artificial penis and testicles. Regular testosterone injections masculinized his musculature. Yet David was depressed over what he believed was the impossibility of his ever marrying. " (From "Slate")

He married Jane Fontaine and became a stepfather to her three children.

"When David was almost 30, he met Dr. Milton Diamond, a psychologist at the University of Hawaii and a long-time rival of Dr. Money. A biologist by training, Diamond had always been curious about the fate of the famous twin, especially after Money mysteriously stopped publishing follow-ups in the late 1970s. Through Diamond, David learned that the supposed success of his sex reassignment had been used to legitimize the widespread use of infant sex change in cases of hermaphroditism and genital injury. Outraged, David agreed to participate in a follow-up by Dr. Diamond, whose myth-shattering paper (co-authored by Dr. Keith Sigmundson) was published in Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine in March 1997 and was featured on front pages across the globe." (From Slate)

Soon after this, David went public with his story. John Colapinto, in December 1997's "Rolling Stone" magazine, published a widely broadcast and influential account. David Reimer and John Colapinto then elaborated on David's story, in the book " As Nature Made Him: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Girl".

David's story came to a tragic end in 2004, on 5th May, when he shot himself. Nobody really seems to know the exact reasons for his suicide, but his brother had committed suicide two years previously, (Brian had schizophrenia), David had become unemployed, he had lost a great deal of money through bad investments, and his wife had asked for a separation. His life as a man was far from peaceful and placid, David had numerous fears, cycles of depression and an explosive temper.


David Reimer

The Intersex Society of North America, which opposes involuntary sex reassignment, treats the story of David Peter Reimer as a cautionary tale about why the genitals of unconsenting minors should not be needlessly modified. (Wikipedia)

Why Not Tell The Truth?

2012-02-22T23:02:00.003+10:00

You know everyone lies now and again, and we would be terrific liars if we said we never did! We know kids lie, and the do it to keep out of trouble, or whatever. But when an adult blatantly lies about things that are going to be found out, well that takes the bloody biscuit as far as I am concerned.

Wonder what I am thinking about? I'll tell you because I can't tell HER. To give you a little story, I have had the most rotten bad luck over the past few years with my mobile phones. They are all made in the wilds of the Okefenokee Swamp I think, and are so infested with swamp bugs it isn't funny. And if I have the spelling of the swamp wrong, that is tough. Hard cheese Louise, and all that. Because I am really over it. So. Take a breath in, a breath out.

My daughter suggested I get an IPhone, to which I screeched 'what? and pay a grand? No way Jose" or similar gentle words. She kindly said she could find one cheaper for me. So she spent who knows how long online, going on different sites and looking for a second hand phone for me. I stuffed up because she showed me a couple on "Gumtree". Now you understand I am feeble-minded and old and basically dimmer than a 40watt - and so used to eBay crud like photos and the like, that I immediately said 'oh no, there are no photos on there, and I can't see how much it is, and it says email but then it says they won't answer emails, and ....... and ....." blah blah. Don't ever try and teach an old lady new tricks - moral of the story.

Poor kid tried to explain it to me, and I was ranting away in a total panic because she said you have to go to the seller's house.......aaagh I can't do that, I just can't. This one is a long way away, I can't travel that far, blah blah. (Here we go again, sigh. Poor daughter). She told me she would travel for me, and I got muddled and forgot. No, I am not blonde, just dim. And old. And some days not too well! (ahem)


Yes madam, it is exactly your size, just pre-shrunk during manufacturing

Upshot was she went on eBay and bid for a 2nd hand IPhone for me. All went lovely and that. I paid me money the same night (or the next, I forget - soon as she got an email from the seller anyway). So we wait. And we wait. And ages later still wait. Daughter sends email or text to the seller to ask if she got the money. Seller was away apparently. Would post the phone on the day she got back, which we calculated as Thursday. She was paid for Registered Post, said she would send it Express Post as well. Hmmm. I should have received it last Friday. No parcel. Nothing Monday. Nothing Tuesday. hmmm (remember, we worked for Australia Post until not that long ago - the woman is pulling a fast one!).

LIARS ARE UGLY PEOPLE

Now madame seller in Melbourne said she would send the tracking number to my daughter. At one point my girl sent email or text and the seller replied in the vein of " yes, yes. And I am sending my purple case as well" - something like that. A bit, 'piss off, you are bugging me' type of thing? uh huh. So yesterday, being Tuesday and all, my girl sends a text asking for the tracking number please and thanks as no parcel has arrived. Woman says she is at work and will send number when she gets home? After that? Nothing, nada, no contact. uh huh.

What happened this morning? First thing? An Australia Post Platinum Express Delivery arrives, to be signed for. The absolute of the absolutely guaranteed NEXT DAY DELIVERY. The lying cow didn't send it until YESTERDAY. It has taken her about 2 weeks to send the phone, and when it arrived? Contrary to her assertion that it is like new, like it was just out of the box - it has scuff marks and the glass front has chips out of it. Lying cow. And no little implement thing so I can put a sim card in it. And NO purple case! um..... why lie? Mind you, I didn't want a stupid purple case, but that is beside the point yeah? I do NOT understand people like this. I didn't pay a huge price for it, but I still feel that I, and other bidders, deserved the truth? And that I deserved the truth about posting time.

Maybe it is me, maybe it is the way of the world now, where dishonesty is second nature to many. It is wrong, whatever the reason, and it has nothing to do with "what you get for buying from eBay". It is all to do with that particular person, who cheated, and lied. You can be cheated and lied to by salespeople looking you in the eye as well....

Personally? It stinks, and if you tell someone the truth they are more likely to be calm and patient, and will also have enormous respect for your honesty. You get a lot further in life with honesty than with lies. And don't forget that great thing, karma! Melbourne lady? It will come back and bite you fair on the bum. You'll see.

There. Gran has said her bit.

Circumcision - I Wouldn't Do It To My Child If You Paid Me - Part Five

2012-02-21T17:23:00.000+10:00

I surely hope you aren't fed up with me by now! Up to last night, we saw that 1. Medical Professions do not advocate routine circumcision for newborns, 2. Circumcision is painful in the extreme and 3. It is dangerous to administer anaesthetic to very young babies, 4. There are adverse complications and even death associated with circumcision and 5. There is no significant reduction in UTI's for circumcised neonates.

There are many myths about the operation and I am surely not going to cover them all, especially in depth, as it is just too much. There are a couple of myths that are dangerous ones, and which have recently been disproven and it is these I am going to address here.

The myth that circumcision prevents STD's and HIV-AIDS

World Health Organization (WHO) stated:

There is compelling evidence that male circumcision reduces the risk of heterosexually acquired HIV infection in men by approximately 60%. Three randomised controlled trials have shown that male circumcision provided by well trained health professionals in properly equipped settings is safe. WHO/UNAIDS recommendations emphasise that male circumcision should be considered an efficacious intervention for HIV prevention in countries and regions with heterosexual epidemics, high HIV and low male circumcision prevalence. Male circumcision provides only partial protection, and therefore should be only one element of a comprehensive HIV prevention package which includes: the provision of HIV testing and counselling services; treatment for sexually transmitted infections; the promotion of safer sex practices; the provision of male and female condoms and promotion of their correct and consistent use.

There has been no convicing evidence that the incidence of infection with STDs is reduced by circumcision. The HIV and STD studies are normally done in poor and under-developed countries, and are not relevant to Australia, UK or USA.

Furthermore, circumcising an infant to reduce the risk of HIV and STDs is not justifiable - infants are not sexually active!

Myth - Circumcision prevents penile and cervical cancer

If you are exposed to strains of human papilloma virus through unprotected sex with multiple partners, or you smoke, these are the main risk factors for cervical and penile cancer. Penile cancer is very extremely rare, there is less than 1 case in 100,000 men, and the median age of diagnosis is 64 years. Circumcised men do develop cancer of the penis, and this can develop on the scar from the circumcision! Strangely, breast and testiticular cancer is more common in men than is penile cancer.


From Wiki Commons - Prevalence of Circumcision by country

Myth - Circumcision is necessary to prevent phimosis and paraphimosis

The condition known as phimosis is where the foreskin can't be fully drawn back to uncover the glans. Almost all infants and young boys have phimosis, which is normal for the infant and juvenile penis.   As discussed previously, the foreskin usually becomes retractable between ages 3 to 13, and nothing need be done unless the child is having discomfort or pain. Phimosis does not need surgery unless conservative treatment fails.

Paraphimosis is a condition where the retracted foreskin has become stuck behind the glans, and cannot be brought forward again. Using cold water and gentle compression this problem can usually be remedied. In rare instances, where the skin is very tight, urgent medical attention is needed.

I do hope I have given a broad outline of the myths about circumcision, and the extremely strange reason why many still insist on circumcising their boys.   One aspect that keeps being dragged up is cleanliness - a good bath or shower with soap is all that is needed for cleanliness and hygeine. When a boy is old enough he will normally pull back the foreskin and clean around under it himself.

According to advocates of circumcision, there are many health benefits for the infant. If this is so, if we are circumcising because way in the future this might prevent penile cancer - why then are we not operating on little girls to remove tiny breast buds? The risk of a woman developing breast cancer is about 12% over her lifetime, which is a much higher risk than a man developing penile cancer.

Strangely enough, "the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare has found that Australian children have become significantly healthier as the incidence of circumcision has declined." (Circinfo.org)   So much for circumcision having health benefits for the child.

There are psychological factors to consider as well, with circumcising infants - although I have actually seen these brushed aside as being unfounded, and anecdotal. Of course evidence of psychological harm will be anecdotal - after all, the man is telling us of the harmful effect his circumcision has had on his mental wellbeing. In a survey reported by Circumcision Information, they state that over 80% of 300 self-selected circumcised men said they had been harmed emotionally by infant circumcision.   Responses showed that at least one of the following feelings were reported: anger, resentment, rage, hate, revenge, a sense of deficiency or loss, a diminished body image. Disbelief, confusion, shame, embarrassment, feeling victimised, robbed, cheated, raped, violated, abused, mutilated, deformed. They experience fear, distrust, withdrawal, sadness, pain and grief.   Some men have commited suicide.   Others have successfully sued for pain and suffering.

And a little fact that horrified me? We saw before that the prepuce is rich in blood vessels. This makes it likely to haemorrhage when it is cut. The frenular artery is also at risk of being cut during the procedure.   An infant has only a very small volume of blood. For example a 4kg baby has only 340ml (or 11.5oz) of total blood at birth.   That is 85ml per kilo of weight. An infant only needs to lose 68ml (2.3oz - about half a cup - go measure it) and he has lost 20% of his total blood volume - this is about all they can tolerate before hypovolemic shock sets in (shock from blood loss), which is quickly followed by death. This has happened on many occasions. A frightening fact is that the volume of blood loss that might kill a baby, which is 85ml, is easily concealed by disposable nappies (diapers).   You would not even know your baby was bleeding to death.

It seems to me that here we are in the year 2012, and for some unfathomable reason we are STILL following the dictates of some half-baked, unscientific and uneducated theory dreamed up by a long-forgotten prudish and sadistic doctor in the early 1800's - to stop men masturbating!   Sheer superstition still rules the day! We may as well start burning witches again.

The phrase that keeps running through my head is the medical ethic "first, do no harm" -

Nonmaleficence, which derives from the maxim, is one of the principal precepts of medical ethicsthat all medical students are taught in medical school and is a fundamental principle for emergency medical services around the world. Another way to state it is that "given an existing problem, it may be better not to do something, or even to do nothing, than to risk causing more harm than good." It reminds the physician and other health care providers that they must consider the possible harm that any intervention might do. It is invoked when debating the use of an intervention that carries an obvious risk of harm but a less certain chance of benefit.

Thank you for staying with me on this very long blog.

Circumcision - I Wouldn't Do It To My Child If You Paid Me - Part Four

2012-02-20T22:08:00.000+10:00

Thanks again for reading these blogs! Not much more to go now, and by the finish I hope you will have gained some understanding about circumcision - I know that when I did my months of research I learned so much.

Back to the myth busting. So far we have seen that 1. Medical Professions do not advocate routine circumcision for newborns, 2. Circumcision is painful in the extreme and 3. It is dangerous to administer anaesthetic to very young babies.

The next myth is that circumcision is just a tiny snip and that there are no risks attached.

On the contrary, there are many risks of circumcision - these include infection, bleeding, scarring, excessive skin removal, damage to the glans and frenulum, loss of the penis and even death. The danger of this myth is that it is more risky to circumcise an infant than an adult, simply because a baby's penis is so very small, and is therefore difficult to operate upon, plus the fact that more skin is removed from an infant than from an adult. This means that excessive skin removal is quite common and this problem can result in painful erections, and also (contrary to popular belief) restrict the growth of the penis at puberty.


Plastibell

The latest figures I can find for complications caused by circumcision are for the USA, where the rate is given as between 3% and 9% - which doesn't sound like a lot, but actually means tens of thousands of boys suffer from complications because of this surgery. There are deaths even in such developed countries as Australia, The USA and Canada. I believe that even ONE baby suffering from complications is one too many, and that a procedure which is unnecessary, and has the risk of death attached should not be carried out.

The frightening thing, from my point of view, is that in many cases there are no figures for death or complications following circumcision. Many complications are not followed up at the point where the procedure was done, and therefore are not reported.

I checked some statistics at the webcite Circinfo.org, and was appalled to see the following, just from Australia:

1919 Tuberculosis contracted during circumcision
1943 Gangrene following circumcision
1953 "Begg noted that figures for deaths from circumcision were not available, but reported Gairdner's observation (1949) of 16 deaths annually in England and Wales for period 1942-1947 and commented "There was every reason to believe that a proportionate mortality would prevail in Australia".
1965 "Dr R Southby mentioned two neonatal deaths which had resulted from infection after circumcision in the last year, and other instances of surgical complications leading to litigation"
1966 Two deaths from haemorrhage.
1967 Commonwealth Statistician report of one death in 1963 and one in 1964. Statistician commented "Figures of deaths from complications of circumcision for other reasons (other than ritual or preventive) are not available."
1969 Official statistics reported two deaths from 1959 to 1969 but "There is probably no adequate record of morbidity (death)"
1977 Death from meningitis
1993 Death from anaesthetic overdose, Brisbane
And for the complications arising, we have dozens, including tuberculosis following circumcision, septicaemia and also pneumonia in one baby, staphlycoccus in another. Infection leading to loss of a third of the penis. In 1970 as report of complications at 15.5%.

A letter from A. Clements, MJA in 1972 "Examining large numbers of children at school medical inspections over the last few years I am appalled at the phallic mutilations exhibited by many of these children, some of whom have even been subjected to a subsequent 'tidying up' procedure after being bady mauled in infancy".

Other complications include cases of meningitis, including one fatal, one mildly 'retarded' and one seriously 'retarded'; two Sydney babies suffered severe blood oxygen deprivation after the administration of prilocaine anaesthetic.

And just in case you are thinking this is all past news, and these things don't happen in this modern world, think again! In 1997 a baby almost bled to death after circumcision, 2006 a doctor was deregistered for ten years by NSW Medical Board for misconduct..including an excessive incidence of circumcision complications.   And in 2010 a Melbourne doctor was suspended for three months (only) after "incompetent circumcision" - using a Plastibell device, resulting in severe injury to the penis and the need for plastic surgery, on a 2 year old boy.

And we have an "enviable record"?

Other complications include: meatal stenosis, which is a narrowing of the urethra, this can interfere with urination. It may require further surgery to remedy.   Adhesions, where the remnants of the foreskin try to heal attached to the head of the penis, in an area where they are not supposed to grow. These adhesions are treated by doctors ripping them open, with no anaesthetic. Buried penis, where the penis is trapped or buried because too much skin has been removed, forcing the penis inside the body. Infection is also a serious risk with the prevalence of the modern drug resistant bacteria which can be picked up in the hospitals.

Regarding the myth that circumcision is necessary to prevent Urinary Tract Infections in infants:

This is a no-brainer, as research for this claim was based on one study, of babies born in one hospital in 1985. According to Psychology Today, the study had "many problems, including that it didn't accurately count whether or not the babies were circumcisied, whether they were premature and thus more susceptible to infection in general, whether they were breastfed, whether their foreskins had been forcibly retracted". This last can introduce bacteria and lead to infection. Since this 'research' there have been many further studies, some showing either no decrease in UTI's from circumcision, some showing an actual increase. The generally accepted figures state that around 0.188% of circumcised babies and 0.702% of intact babies develop a UTI. Such a slight difference as this hardly matters. The incidence for girls of UTI's is around 5%.   Also immediate breastfeeding apparently protects male and female babies from UTI's.

Tomorrow I will look at the last of the myths I will cover, that of STDs and HIV - I think you will be quite surprised by the most recent findings. I will also look at the long term and psychological implications of circumcision. They aren't pretty in a lot of cases.

Circumcision - I Wouldn't Do It To My Child If You Paid Me - Part Three

2012-02-19T21:46:00.001+10:00

A warm welcome back to those of you who are following this story, and thank you for staying with me. We have looked at the general, simplified anatomy of the penis, and the main ways in which circumcision is performed. Now I want to dispel a few myths, many of them perpetrated by the medical profession, and to enlighten you about the facts.

There are still staunch advocates for infant circumcision, but it is fact that there is no medical organisation anywhere which recommends this routine circumcision. The Royal Australasian College of Physicians, The British Medical Association and the American Academy of Paediatrics are included in those organisations. Routine neonatal circumcision has been declared unlawful in South Africa, Sweden (apart from on religious grounds) and Finland.

A myth still floating around is that doctors advocate routine circumcision of newborn baby boys. The truth?
The RACP says, in their Policy Statement, in part: After extensive review of the literature the RACP reaffirms that there is no medical indication for routine neonatal circumcision. The complication rate of neonatal circumcision is reported to be around 1% to 5% and includes local infection, bleeding and damage to the penis. Serious complications such as bleeding, septicaemia and meningitis may occasionally cause death.

The possibility that routine circumcision may contravene human rights has been raised because circumcision is performed on a minor and is without proven medical benefit.

Review of the literature in relation to risks and benefits shows there is no evidence of benefit outweighing harm for circumcision as a routine procedure in the neonate.

From Wikipedia:
The Royal Dutch Medical Association stated in 2010: "There is currently not a single doctors' organisation that recommends routine circumcision for medical reasons." The Royal Dutch Medical Association issued a new policy in May 2010: "The official viewpoint of KNMG and other related medical/scientific organisations is that non-therapeutic circumcision of male minors is a violation of children’s rights to autonomy and physical integrity. Contrary to popular belief, circumcision can cause complications – bleeding, infection, urethral stricture and panic attacks are particularly common. KNMG is therefore urging a strong policy of deterrence. KNMG is calling upon doctors to actively and insistently inform parents who are considering the procedure of the absence of medical benefits and the danger of complications."

The Fetus and Newborn Committee of the Canadian Paediatric Society posted "Circumcision: Information for Parents" in November 2004, and "Neonatal circumcision revisited" in 1996. The 1996 position statement says that "circumcision of newborns should not be routinely performed", and the 2004 advice to parents says it "does not recommend circumcision for newborn boys. Many paediatricians no longer perform circumcisions."

The British Medical Association's position (June 2006) was that male circumcision for medical purposes should only be used where less invasive procedures are either unavailable or not as effective. The BMA specifically refrained from issuing a policy regarding “non-therapeutic circumcision,” stating that as a general rule, it “believes that parents should be entitled to make choices about how best to promote their children’s interests, and it is for society to decide what limits should be imposed on parental choices.”

The American Academy of Pediatrics (1999) found both potential benefits and risks in infant circumcision, however, there was insufficient data to recommend routine neonatal circumcision. In situations involving potential benefits and risks, and no immediate urgency, they state that "parents should determine what is in the best interest of the child". They continue, "To make an informed choice, parents of all male infants should be given accurate and unbiased information and be provided the opportunity to discuss this decision." They said, "In the pluralistic society of the United States in which parents are afforded wide authority for determining what constitutes appropriate child-rearing and child welfare, it is legitimate for the parents to take into account cultural, religious, and ethnic traditions, in addition to medical factors, when making this choice." If a decision to circumcise is made, the AAP recommend using analgesia to reduce pain, and also said that circumcision on newborns should be performed only if they are stable and healthy.

The American Medical Association (1999) noted that medical associations in the US, Australia, and Canada did not recommend routine circumcision of newborns. It supported the general principles of the 1999 Circumcision Policy Statement of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

The American Academy of Family Physicians (January 2007) acknowledges the controversy surrounding circumcision and recommends that physicians discuss the potential harms and benefits of circumcision with all parents or legal guardians considering circumcision for newborn boys.

The American Urological Association (May 2007) states there are benefits and risks to circumcision, recommending that circumcision "should be presented as an option for health benefits" while acknowledging that "evidence associating neonatal circumcision with reduced incidence of sexually transmitted diseases is conflicting." It feels that parents should consider medical benefits and risks, and ethnic, cultural, etc. factors when making this decision.

So medical authorities are agreed that there are medical risks, and that routine circumcision of newborns should NOT be performed. It is the old saying "if it ain't broke, don't fix it". So much for the advocates.

Note that there is still no mention of the male having the right to make decisions about his own body?

A second myth is that it is less painful for circumcision to be carried out when the boy is a baby, rather than later in life.

Circumcision is extremely painful - and traumatic - for a baby. Just being strapped down is frightening for a baby. The often repeated statement that babies can't feel pain is not true. Babies are as sensitive to pain as anyone else. Most babies scream frantically when their foreskin is cut off. Some defecate. Some lapse into a coma. The reason some babies don't cry when they are circumcised, is that they can't cry because they are in a state of shock. Most babies are circumcised without anaesthesia. Anaesthetics injected into the penis don't always work. Being stuck with a needle in the penis is itself painful for a baby, just as if would be for anyone else. Babies are rarely given pain medication right after they are circumcised or during the week to ten days it takes for the wound to heal. Pain medication is not always effective and is never 100% effective. (Nocirc.org)

In 1997, doctors in Canada did a study to see what type of anaesthesia was most effective in relieving the pain of circumcision. As with any study, they needed a control group that received no anaesthesia. The doctors quickly realized that the babies who were not anaesthetized were in so much pain that it would be unethical to continue with the study. Even the best commonly available method of pain relief studied, the dorsal penile nerve block, did not block all the babies' pain. Some of the babies in the study were in such pain that they began choking and one even had a seizure (Lander 1997). (Psychologytoday)

Tiny infants experience the most excruciating pain, both during circumcision and for weeks following the procedure. They can exhibit changes in behaviour, for example avoiding physical contact, sleep disturbances, frequent crying and even reluctance to breast feed.
The last myth today (but not the last myth of all) is that of anaesthetics being used for newborns.

Most newborns do not receive adequate anaesthesia. Only 45% of doctors who do circumcisions use any anaesthesia at all. Obstetricians perform 70% of circumcisions and are least likely to use anaesthesia - only 25% do. The most common reasons why they don't? They didn't think the procedure warranted it, and it takes too long (Stang 1998). A circumcision with adequate anaesthesia takes a half-hour - if they brought your baby back sooner, he was in severe pain during the surgery. (Psychologytoday)

Oh, before I go any further, there is a doctor (who shall remain nameless) here in Australia who happily chops off foreskin from babies willy-nilly and has a huge website in favour of circumcision. In my opinion he is a sadist, but he would probably dispute this. He also advocates the use of the EMLA patch. There have been many very adverse results from the EMLA patch, and the reason is very very simple:

The following is from www.cirp.org:

THE CIRCUMCISION REFERENCE LIBRARY

EMLA topical anaesthetic for neonatal circumcision

This page presents information about risks associated with the use of EMLA cream for relief of infant circumcision pain. Although certain pediatric groups recommend its use, other authorities tell a different story.

"EMLA Cream is not recommended for use on mucous membranes because limited studies show much greater absortion of lidocaine and prilocaine than through intact skin. Safe dosing recommendations for use on mucous membranes cannot be made because it has not been studied accurately."

"EMLA Cream should not be used in infants under the age of one month, nor in infants under the age of twelve months, who are receiving treatment with methemoglobin-inducing agents (see Methemoglobinemia subsection of WARNINGS).

EMLA has added a new warning to their product inserts and their web site. The new warning states:
"EMLA Cream is not recommended for use prior to circumcision in pediatric patients."

and also:

The Canadian Nurse, August 1994, pp. 5-6

[Material in brackets added. CIRP]
Editor's note: Recently we received a copy of the following letter from Grace Boudreau, RN, Director of Quality Assurance, G. R. Baker Memorial Hospital, Quesnel, B.C. [British Columbia, Canada]. The letter was sent to all general practitioners, hospitals and pharmacies in Northern British Columbia on March 28, 1994. We have permission from the letter's author, Dr. Marie Hay, to print the letter in its entirety (bold type represents emphasis expressed in original letter.)

Dear Doctor,
The Department of Paediatrics at Prince George Regional Hospital recently discussed the unfortunate case of a 21-day-old male child who was circumcised using Prilocaine as a local anesthetic agent. A few hours after the circumcision the baby developed significant Methaemoglobinaemia [reaction with the blood] due to the Prilocaine anesthetic.
The department of Paediatrics is issuing a strong warning to all physicians who perform circumcisions. We strongly advise that Prilocaine local anesthetic not be used under any circumstances for neonatal circumcision. It is also interesting to note that EMLA cream contains 2.5% Prilocaine. It also therefore should not be used on the mucous membranes of newborns when they are circumcised.
It is the Department of Paediatrics' recommendation that no infant under the age of 3 months gets Prilocaine or EMLA cream in any form because of the serious risk of Methaemoglobinaemia.
I understand from speaking with an Intensivist at B.C. Children's Hospital that two other cases of Methaemoglobinaemia due to Prilocaine have also been noted in B.C. in the past recent months. As you know Methaemoglobinaemia can cause brain damage and death in small infants.

Even the dorsal penile nerve block leaves the underside of the penis able to feel pain. Babies go into shock, and although this appears that they are quiet, it is their body's reaction to profound pain and distress. Nurses will tell the parents "he slept right through it" so as not to upset them. Who would want to hear that their baby was screaming throughout in agony?

There are many risks involved with using anaesthetic on newborns, the above are just a small example of the outcome of using EMLA (which by the way is NOT sterile) and prilocaine - which EMLA contains.

More myth busting tomorrow night.

He Told Me I Was Ignorant

2012-02-19T18:06:00.000+10:00

Just thinking about things from the past, as oldies are prone to do..and recalling some really quite nasty things my ex said to me. What he proved by saying them was that he didn't know me at all. The strange thing is that after 30 years of his being an 'ex' he still has the same attitude towards me. Makes you wonder why he ever married me in the first place. I mean, if you think someone is 'ignorant' and 'coarse' and 'common' and uneducated - why in hell would you marry them? Perhaps he had to get married to keep up with his 'friends' - which is extremely odd, as we never saw them and he didn't keep in touch with them. The whole TWO of them.

The one thing that sticks and now makes me want to ram it down his ugly throat is the contempt he felt for me, because I didn't have the education he had. Bearing in mind that he was an only child, whereas I was one of three, and his mother got a full-time job to pay for his education it is not exactly surprising. He repaid her when he went to college, by pissing away his first year drinking and doing things you would expect from a 10 year old kid. And then failing his examinations. Which shows the sense of entitlement he had, and still has.

Any road, as they say. He was talking about his job one evening, when we had been married a couple of years. I said that it was something I think I would love to do, especially as he was in the Merchant Navy and travelled all over the world. His reply floored me. He said (I quote, as I remember this vividly) "Oh you couldn't do my job. How do I put this nicely? Um, you just don't have the education!"...................what a huge soul he has eh? What he did forget to factor into his supercilious equation was that, although I had left school at age 15 I had never stopped learning. I had attended night school. I had read widely and voraciously. And every subject I came across I would learn learn learn about.

Now that we are 30 years older, I believe I have 30 years more of learning under my belt. He doesn't. He doesn't even read. He has no idea that I had even done the first year of Open University, and flew through it! Sadly, my demanding job put the mockers on finishing. It proved something to me though - that even though I had the minimum of formal education I could think, and learn, and had tucked more knowledge in my handbag than he had in his suitcase. Arrogant pig.

Just because you are an autodidact (self-taught!) this does not mean you are ignorant or uneducated. Lack of formal qualifications does not mean you don't have wide knowledge and experience. And most importantly, just because a pompous, stuck-up Pommie prig says you are dim does NOT mean that you are. I believe what it actually means is that he knows you are probably 10 times smarter than he is - and that he didn't know that you had a Mensa score IQ. Ha! Wonder if he STILL feels threatened by me?

Wouldn't that be a kicker!

Circumcision - I Wouldn't Do It To My Child If You Paid Me To - PART TWO

2012-02-18T21:10:00.002+10:00

Thanks for sticking with me on this, and for reading what I have put up so far. It is a bit of a rugged road, and a most controversial subject. My thought on this is that there are millions out there who are not fully informed about the whole subject of circumcision. So here we go, on our road to information, part two.

There are several main methods which are used to circumcise an infant, and remember I am not talking about places like Africa where there is no real hygiene and they carry out mass circumcision - with dire results.

A warning if you are squeamish - some of the pictures are graphic.

The first one I will talk about is the straight out cutting method. This is probably having its death knell sounded, although religious practices still seem to require this method. There really doesn't seem to be a standard for which method of circumcision is used, although some countries prefer the Plastibell and some the Gomco Clamp.

The so-called "simplest" method appears to have varied little from the "traditional" operation. The foreskin is pulled forwards and gripped in a pair of clamping or crushing forceps, which are placed at an angle to match the slope of the back of the glans. The skin is cut off in front of the blades of the forceps, then the inner skin is pushed back and fastened, with stitches, to the outer skin on the shaft. In infants, the stitches are often not used. Their main purpose is to close off blood vessels, and crushing with the forceps is often enough to accomplish this. How complete the circumcision is depends upon how hard the skin is pulled forward before clamping. Making the cut while the skin is pulled over the glans provides a safeguard against removing too much. Much of the inner skin remains, so the scar, after healing, will be well down the shaft. It is usually rather irregular but very inconspicuous.

NO ANAESTHETIC CAN BE USED

Lidocaine is used. Note it is for after the operation. According to several nurses at University of Michigan, it does very little or nothing to alleviate the pain of circumcision.

Betadine is used to swab the penis and scrotum to help prevent infection

The foreskin is sealed down to the penile head and must be torn off in order to be retracted in infancy.

The foreskin is pulled up, clamped for several minutes to prevent excess bleeding, and cut along the clamp with a scalpel.

What you see is not foreskin, but skin from the shaft of the penis. The edges stick together because they are still "raw".

The distinction between shaft skin and where the foreskin was cut away is obvious. The part of the foreskin that used to touch the glans ("inner foreskin") is what is between the shaft skin and the penile head in the picture

Excessive bleeding is the most common complication of infant circumcision.

After the inner foreskin is removed, notice that half the shaft skin has been cut away-- altogether,about 2/3 of all the skin of the penis.

The remaining shaft skin is pulled up to meet the glans and attached with stitching.

The penis now has 1/3 to 1/2 less penile skin to accommodate erections and the glans is permanently exposed. The glans will lose its shininess and dark red coloring as the site heals within the next week or so. What was before an internal part of the body, is now external and it will grow a sort of callous over the glans as part of the healing process.

Pictures from http://www.circumcisionquotes.com/magcirc.html

The Gomco Clamp, is an invention of Hiran Yelland and Aaron Goldstein, from 1934. It is reported to be based on the tyre lever used for Model T Ford cars. It is a metal ball, and a flat plate with a hole in it placed over both, to define the position. These are brought together by a screw and apply circular crush and fusing force - of between 8,000lbs to 20,000lbs.
Circumcision with the Gomco clamp and the Plastibell device have many of the same features. The foreskin is grasped with two mosquito clamps at the 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock positions These clamps are used to hold the foreskin up. A third mosquito clamp is used as a probe to destroy any adhesions under the foreskin from the 8 o'clock to the 4 o'clock positions and is then clamped about 2/3rd of the way between the foreskin opening and the corona. This action creates the crushed area for the dorsal slit. The third clamp remains in place for one minute. The dorsal slit is then cut through the middle of the crushed area, using tissue scissors. The foreskin is peeled back, and any additional adhesions are destroyed using a blunt probe.

The Gomco clamp was designed to crush about 1 mm of the foreskin around the circumference, while the Gomco bell protects the head of the penis from injury during removal of the foreskin. The bell is placed inside the foreskin, and the dorsal slit is secured over the bell with a sterile safety pin. This allows the handle of the bell to pass through the circular opening of the clamp, without the foreskin slipping out. The foreskin can be brought through the opening by grasping it with sterile gauze. The thumbscrew is tightened until snug, and the visible foreskin is removed using a scalpel blade distal to the junction of the bell and the clamp. The clamp should remain secure for a total of five minutes, to allow the crush effect to be complete. This step is designed to reduce the incidence of bleeding after the clamp is removed.

Gomco Clamp

When the thumbscrew is loosened and the bell gently removed from the clamp, the foreskin will stick to the bell because of the crushing. The foreskin can be loosened by gently peeling with a gauze swab to liberate the glans and show the final result. The edge of the foreskin and the corona of the penis are then gently wrapped in precut petrolatum gauze, which remains in place for 12 to 24 hours.

The Plastibell is designed to cause circumcision by cutting off the blood supply to the end of the foreskin. Dead tissue falls off 7 to 12 days after the operation. No advantages of the Plastibell technique over other techniques have been documented, except "ease of use." Some studies have shown a small increase in the incidence of infection with the Plastibell device.

Ensuring that the correct size of the Plastibell is used is important. (N.B This is done by trial of different sizes) A fit too small can cause tissue strangulation and necrosis, and one too large may result in too much foreskin being removed and the penis being denuded of skin. After making the dorsal slit as outlined for the Gomco technique, the Plastibell device is placed on the glans and the cut foreskin is pulled over the top of it.
The cut foreskin is brought over the top of the Plastibell until the tip of the incision is above the string placement guide on the device. The foreskin is clamped across the top of the Plastibell with a straight clamp. The string is placed around the foreskin and the Plastibell device in a groove that acts as a placement guide. The string is then tightened and tied in a simple square knot. An adequate result is obtained when the skin just distal to the string blanches without the string breaking. The excess foreskin is trimmed from around the bell using iris scissors . The handle is then broken off the device.

Plastibell device

The Mogen Clamp - A blunt-edged probe is used to separate the glans from the preputial lining, taking care not to traumatize the frenulum. The prepuce is lifted upward and outward by the hemostat. This action causes the glans to retract towards the scrotum, preventing accidental amputation of the glans. The open jaws of the Mogen clamp are placed around the prepuce (grooved side facing the glans) as it is lifted upward. The clamp is closed for one to one and one-half minutes. If the infant is more than six months old, the clamp should remain closed for five minutes.

Mogen Clamp

While the clamp is closed, the prepuce is cut away distal to the clamp. The clamp is then opened slowly and removed. Downward pressure is applied to the skin around the corona, until the skin-mucosal seal is broken and the glans is liberated. A blunt probe is used to remove any additional adhesions. Petrolatum gauze is applied to cover the operative site. The preputial skin around the corona of the glans will often have a "dog-eared" or asymmetric appearance. As the infant grows, this aspect becomes less prominent.
There are other methods used, e.g. the Tara Clamp, the SmartKlamp. I believe the above will give you a fair idea of the procedure, without going into further clamp details.

Of course, the infant has to be restrained, and lo! there are manufacturers who have come up with the perfect solution. One of these if Olympic Medica's very own

Infant Immobilizer Circumstraint. Fast immobilization of newborns 4-16 lbs. Use during circumcision, transfusion, minor surgery, x-ray. Complete with four adjustable Velcro straps for securing arms and legs.
"In less than 30 seconds, a nurse can immobilize the struggling infant securely in the correct position with Circumstraint. It works on a proven principle of positive 4-point restraint. Soft wide Velcro straps encircle the infants elbows and knees, depriving him/her of leverage. "

"Circumstraint's comfortable contoured shape positions the infant, hips elevated, perfectly presenting the genitalia."

"He's held safely and securely without danger of escape."

"Always a fast, easy means of immobilizing newborns for circumcision..."

And the Stang

This light weight chair positions the infant comfortably while providing surgical access the the operative site."

"Newborn pain management is an issue of concern to many health care professionals today."

"Any physician or nurse who has attempted to extend the arms and legs of a term neonate to strap him into a rigid restraint, realizes the resistance to extension that all neonates possess.

Positioning of the baby in the Circ Chair allows the infant to sit with his hips abducted and flexed, knees flexed, and head elevated at various positions up to 30-45 degrees. Soft velcro straps adjust to the baby's size. The instrument platform is designed to accommodate commonly used circumcision clamps."


The patient cannot understand, consent, refuse or escape.

And the 'struggling infant' - hmm. No anaesthetic. Which I will cover in my next part of this blog, Part Three.

When Stress Happens

2012-02-17T22:40:00.000+10:00

Stress is important and natural, and makes positive contribution to our normal performance, at work or at home. There is a point, however, where we can feel that we are stressed excessively - this is something we need to be on the alert for, as excessive stress has many ill effects.

Sometimes we actually don't have enough stress, as strange as that may sound. This is probably as bad as too much, and will have the same negative effects on our health, both physical and mental.

So what do we do to relieve stress? There are some neat ways to get that awful feeling out of our bodies, and even though it may take a little planning sometimes, and a little effort on our part, it is well worth digging deep and finding the resources within us to take action - and turn negative into positive.

To simplify, I will list in bullet points:

Slow, deep breathing. Concentrate on your breathing only. Do this for perhaps ten to 15 times
Distract your thoughts - perhaps by counting backwards, or using a relaxation technique you have (listening to classical music, perhaps)
Take a break. Go outside, go for a walk. Take time for yourself, and enjoy what is around you.
Exercise! A good practice is to make a time each day to do some exercise, and set that time aside just for yourself. It doesn't have to be strenuous, just get the blood flowing and energise the body.
Complete relaxation through meditation, listening to music, laughter, singing, anything that works for you.
Be positive. When you start thinking negative thoughts - sweep them into the cupboard! You are the one who knows what you are thinking - and it is ONLY a thought, which you can change! Praise yourself for your achievements this day.
Talk with someone you trust about how you feel. Often just letting the feelings out and letting them go will be enough to reduce that stress.
Manage your time - there are only so many hours in a day, don't try and find more!
Prioritise! Make a little list even, of the most important things to do, and do them one by one. Nobody can do everything at once.
Eat well, give your body nutritious food and you will gain energy and be able to heal faster.
Avoid negative people. Speaks for itself.
Get enough rest. Get enough sleep. If you are tired, trying to tackle problems will be twice as difficult.
Plan! Get some order into your life, make plans about what you wish to do and when. If you feel disorganised you will feel stressed.

Hopefully this will be of some help to you - the main thing to remember is that there is only one of you, and you cannot be 'everything to everyone'. The most important person in your household is YOU!

Circumcision - I Wouldn't Do It To My Child If You Paid Me

2012-02-17T22:04:00.000+10:00

This will be a series of blogs, I hope you will read them all, and that I will be able to explain many things of which you may not have been aware.

A young friend asked if I would do a blog about circumcision. In my complete ignorance I replied "of course!" Little did I realise what was in store. This blog has been months in the making, and has given me more nightmares, tears and headaches than I anticipated. The debate amongst the medical fraternity about male circumcision runs hot and furious.

As a layperson I looked at what statistics are quoted, anecdotal evidence presented, and reams of learned submissions online. And at the end of it all my heart says the same as it did before I started. I do NOT believe in male circumcision. At all. Reading of the complications (many of them hidden - more on this later) and of the deaths and mutilations from 'routine' circumcision has made me feel ill, and made me weep. This is just in USA and Australia, not in somewhere like Africa.

My friend actually pointed me to a very informed blog (anti-circumcision) and for a moment I was quite disheartened. The blog said many of the things I had planned, quoted similar statistics and the like. When I stepped back for a minute it occurred to me that this is a 'so what?' situation. My voice can be heard as well, and if we are on the same side, all the better!

I do understand that circumcision has been undertaken for religious and cultural reasons for thousands of years and is an important ritual in some religious and cultural groups. It was interesting to see that there is actually a movement amongst member of the Jewish religion, to stop circumcision of their young boys.

In Australia and New Zealand, thankfully, the rate of circumcision has recently declined, and it is estimated by the RACP (The Royal Australasian College of Physicians) that in 2010, ten to twenty percent of newborn male infants were circumcised. This is, thankfully, a much lower percentage than, for example, in the 1960's, when there were 70% of boys circumcised.

There is a growing public movement against female genital mutilation, which has many prominent figures (including the model Waris Dirie)speaking out, making films, media appearances etc. Why then is it fine, and apparently largely accepted to perform male genital mutilation? This is what it amounts to, and I don't see how anyone can argue their way around that. The male foreskin is there for a reason, no? Else why would men be born with a foreskin? Women have the labia, which is like our own foreskin - and there for a specific reason. The scarring caused by circumcision is not just physical either. There are serious psychological problems in many men who have been forcibly circumcised.

I say forcibly deliberately - circumcision of a neonate, or a young boy equates to a serious breach of human rights, and to me is totally unethical. If a child is too young to be given the right to consent in a case of non-therapeutic surgery then that surgery should not be carried out.

Reasons parents have given for having their baby circumcised vary from "it is healthier" and "it is cleaner" to something along the lines of "all the other men in the family are circumcised" - and similar. Very few of them seemed to be informed beforehand of the dangers associated with circumcision, and many of them were told something along the lines of "it's only a little snip and it's done". NOT SO.

In Australia, we apparently followed the lead of England and the USA, where doctors, in the Victorian era of prudery, espoused the belief that circumcision, hysterectomy and clitoridectomy (removal of the clitoris)would prevent or cure various illnesses. These included masturbation, mental illness and tuberculosis among others. There was, however, a dissenting group of British doctors, and in 1867 circumcision of females was banned. At this time it was recognised that it was a woman's right to make decisions about her own body. Male circumcision continued into the 1900's, with physicians misguidedly believing that both sexes could thereby be protected from sexually transmitted diseases, and cancer, and that all cases of phimosis in male infants made circumcision necessary. When will we recognise that it is a man's right to make decisions about his own body?

Before I go further I will just put in a little about the foreskin, and the penis, so that we understand the full horror of what is done to the baby during circumcision.

Simply put : The foreskin covers the tip of the penis, or the glans. It extends from the skin that covers the shaft of the penis, and it has a thinner and more sensitive inner surface. This inner surface is attached to the shaft of the penis where it joins the glans. The foreskin protects the inner surface as well as the tip of the penis. Under the foreskin, the skin of the glans is moist, and thin. At birth it is normal for the the inner layer of the foreskin to be attached to the glans. The foreskin cannot be retracted (pulled back) at this age. There is a very sensitive band of tissue called the frenulum which connects the inner foreskin to the glans, under the penis. This is often referred to as the male G-spot. As a boy grows, the inner skin separates and the opening becomes more elastic, so that by the time he is grown, he should be able to retract it without discomfort. This separation can occur at between 3 to 13 years of age.

From Circumcision Reference Library

The foreskin (prepuce) has a sheath of smooth muscle tissue inside the skin which is called the peripenic muscle. The muscle fibres are arranged in a whorl at the end of the foreskin to form a sphincter. The muscle fibers keep the foreskin snugly against the glans penis. The outer surface of the prepuce is skin, however the inner surface is mucosal membrane although it resembles skin in appearance. There is a muco-cutaneous boundary just inside the tip of the prepuce. The prepuce normally covers the glans penis and protects it from foreign matter, friction, drying, and injury.

The prepuce is usually tethered at the bottom by the frenulum. The frenulum's function is to provide pleasure by stretching during sexual intercourse. In fact, the frenulum is colloquially known as the "sex nerve" in France and perhaps throughout Europe. By destroying this stretching action, circumcision completely destroys this fundamental means of sexual pleasure in the human male. There is a hypothesis that stretching of the frenulum during intercourse provides stimulus for ejaculation.

As with other neurologic structures such as the brain, the tip of the prepuce is richly supplied with blood by important vascular structures. The glans penis receives blood through the frenular artery. The prepuce serves as a conduit for several important veins. Circumcision may contribute to erectile dysfunction by destroying these blood conduits.

The prepuce is naturally equipped with several defenses against infection. The infant prepuce has a pronounced tight tip with a sphincter formed by the whorl of muscle tissue that stays closed to keep out foreign matter but opens to allow the outflow of urine. The sub-preputial wetness contains lyzosyme, a secretion that acts to destroy harmful microorganisms. The prepuce contains Langerhans cells which may provide resistance to HIV infection.

The prepuce is profusely innervated (has many nerves) especially near the tip in the ridged band area where the muco-cutaneous boundary occurs. It is now understood that this junction is the most sensitive and erogenous part of the penis. The accumulation of sensation triggers the ejaculation reflex. Diminution of the available nerve supply would make achievement of orgasm more difficult.

The ridged band is located near the tip of the prepuce on the inner layer of the foreskin near the muco-cutanaeous boundary. The ridged band merges smoothly with the frenulum. Taylor states that the ridged band is sensitive to motion. The foreskin slides back and forth over the glans during foreplay and intercourse. Typically, the ridged band area of the prepuce is stretched when it passes over the glans penis and, by this stretching action, the multitude of pleasure sensors in Taylor's ridged band are stimulated.

The ridged band area, which is stimulated by motion, is the most highly innervated and pleasure producing region of the prepuce. They clearly have an important, but not yet well understood, function in human sexual response.

The prepuce of the typical complete male may protect the corona from direct stimulation during intercourse and so tends to prevent premature and unwanted ejaculation.

Other primates. Cold and McGrath described the variations in the prepuce between human males and females and other primate species, concluding from an evolutionary perspective that the prepuce is highly evolved and has a specialized function in each species.
In summary, the prepuce is a unique specialized structure with important immunological, protective, mechanical, erogenous, and sexual functions. The prepuce is essential to normal copulation.

The word "circumcision" comes from the Latin circumcisione, from circum (meaning "around") and cædere (meaning "to cut").

In infants, circumcision is an operation which involves tearing the foreskin away from the glans of the penis, then cutting along the top of the foreskin, clamping the foreskin, and cutting it off. The amount of foreskin removed from one circumcision to the next can be very different, and no two circumcisions are the same, as the skin of the penis is movable, a sheath with no clear indicator as to where it should be cut.

The amount of skin to be removed is estimated.

The next blog will be about the methods used to circumcise a baby boy.

Amazing Things About Getting Older

2012-02-14T23:38:00.002+10:00

Strange that I should remember having small bazookas. Mind you, they weren't anything to put on Page 3, and looked like a cushion stuffed in a too small pillowcase if I ever tried on a shirred top. But they were kind of nice to have, you know? Small means you don't have to worry about buttons popping open and stuff. Getting older means that I am getting larger. Rounder everwhere. Bit like a cushion all over. And instead of looking for a 34B I have to ask if the bra shop has a 38 long. gawd. As for the pretty stuff, well wouldn't the wrinkles look an absolute treat in one of them - all bows and flowers, and the bits inside need ironing..........(sigh)

Hair is another amazing thing about getting older. The hair on me head is kind of the same but it is a strange sort of greyish colour now. It used to be really dark with lots of red in it, and was quite ok. I thought it was, anyway. And I could actually spend time on 'doing' my hair. Now? Try ten minutes and my elbows and shoulders ache so much I have to quit. Half a head is not better than none! And the other hair? Well some you win some you lose. You probably don't know (unless you too are getting older), but the underarm hair sort of ....goes away? Yippee!!! But the drawback is that your - ssssh - pube-lic hairs do too! (laughter offstage). Yeah, they just ... go away and don't come back ... um... no, I dunno why. Once I had a choice of shaving, or depiliatory creams or bleaching or waxing my legs. Now I have the same choice, but for my chin and upper lip! Hey! I bet I know where the pube-lic hairs go!
\

Another bonus of being young is being able to laugh or sneeze or cough without going into a panic. You heard me - a complete panic. The first thing on your shopping list is always, but always Tena Lady Pants Liners. Oh the shame.

Teeth? We really need to discuss teething. I'm all for yanking out teeth at their first appearance and installing false ones. That way we would go through life without a care, especially if we used that stuff you superglue your fangs into your mouth with. What's it called? Damned can't remember. My teeth just don't want to be with me any more, they keep breaking and I have this stubborn dentist who will simply not yank 'em out and give me falsies. Swine. Think of the smiley smile I could give with falsies! Oh I don't want whitey whites (what? no, I am not talking about underwear) - I would just like teeth that stay there when you need to have a good crunching chew on something - like a marshmallow fr'instance. And ones that when you looked at them didn't remind you that it is illegal to shoot animals for ivory nowadays.

Now. Facelifts. See, I had this - well I still have it - mole. It was tucked nicely away under my chin where you didn't see it. Now it is sort of inches down from where it was, and everyone remarks "what's that on your neck?" aaaagh! It's a mole! Shut up! Bitch! Gravity sucks, and it is sucking parts of me southward at an alarming rate. So. No I won't have a facelift. Firstly I am scared to death and secondly I wouldn't worry about firstly if I was rich enough to have one! I did think about using sticky tape, cause once upon a time models used to use it for all sorts of nips and tweaks. You know, stick a bit on face and up into your hair to improve the sag? With the amount of southward travel I have experienced, however, I believe it would require superbond duct tape. And I think you might just notice bits of it here and there........

The really really sad thing about getting older is all the young people around me. Oh they aren't sad, don't get that twisted around. It is me that is sad! I look at the pretty young clothes and shoes, and sigh. You bet I could buy stuff and wear it and holy moly gee whiz wouldn't I look a bloody sight! The latest thing I am totally taken with is the way the manicures are done, with pretty flowers and all sorts on the fingernails and toenails. I can't even SEE my toenails. But I digress. How jubilant would I be to have one of those manicures! And how absolutely dim would I look with pretty daisies on my nails, that is if you could find them amongst all the age spots ha!

There are things I haven't mentioned though. Getting older means that I could wear the young gear and have my nails poshed up - and the young ones would just think I was a bit eccentric! After all, I am an older person, and we are entitled to be just that bit dotty now and again!

And being this age means that even YOUNG fellas will gladly help me out with heavy shopping, for example, and with a smile! Oh! they even offer to help! How's that?

I can talk to anyone and they will answer me, because it is not polite to be rude to your elders! Well, mostly!
And the greatest thing of all? I have almost 64 years of life experience and hopefully the wisdom to put that experience into words to help the younger ones when they have trials of their own. And I can, usually without reservation, just love the hell out of all the young ones around me. And rejoice in their triumphs, cry with them when they are sad, hug their babies (even if by internet) and pass on any knowledge I happen to have if they need me to.

Sometimes there are amazing things about getting older. Even if you can't see your toenails.

To The Abusers Of The World

2012-02-14T22:16:00.002+10:00

I am so sick, so weary of hearing the excuse that so and so committed rape or is a sexual predator, or an abuser or whatever the hell because they were young victims of the same treatment.

Come on - you weaselling sacks of shit - everyone on earth sees straight through you, and you all use the same old tired 'reasons' for your self-indulgent actions. There is NO excuse, NO justification, NO reason for anyone to perpetuate the torture they endured in their past. Having been victimised does not excuse you now that you are the perpetrator.

Bloody well get real. Out there in the teeming millions of people on our planet there are also millions who have endured the worst childhoods imaginable. Many of them worse than anything you suffered. And the vast majority want better for their children, and work their backsides off to ensure their children's present and future is not a repeat of pain and abuse.

Look, most countries have access to media of some description, have education available to them, and there are very few humans who do not have peers of some description. Either neighbours, family or friends. We all learn from these, and especially from our peers.

You must know, I am convinced that you bloody well do know that what you are doing is abhorrent, abnormal behaviour, that it is not how decent, moral, clean folk live their lives. But YOU? It is self everything with you. Self-centred, self-indulgent, selfish. Add arrogant and malignant to that scoreboard please. You don't give a damn about anyone else, all you care about is self-gratification. You don't bother to even attempt to exercise one iota of self-control.

So your father beat your mother? You knew it wasn't normal. You were terrified, your siblings were terrified, your mother was terrified. Why, knowing and experiencing this, do you now feel it is right for you to follow in your father's depraved footsteps? Does it make you feel like a big powerful person to terrorise your family, your helpless and innocent children?

News Flash - it makes you the exact opposite - a small, petty, vicious and nasty bully. A person with a shrivelled soul. Abusing women or children is not powerful. Your colleague? He had the same sort of childhood. His goal in life is for his family to only ever experience security, love and safety within their home. They return that love unstintingly. HE is the GIANT. Of the two of you, he is the one who has made a LIFE for himself.

You KNOW you have problems, trouble with self-control and anger? Get help! Simple as that. If you can't move forward by yourself, ask for and expert to help you. You get a mechanic to fix your car, don't you? So what's the difference? After all, it's the first step toward becoming a man...

What? What right have I got to berate you? Every right in the world. Fellow travellers is what we were. My childhood? A father who was an emotional cripple, whose idea of fun was mental torture and verbal abuse, unrelenting abuse. He was a drunk, a bully and a total coward around other people - but not so with his family.

My goal for when I 'grew up' was to never be like him, in any way. So yes, I have a right to hold up a mirror to you. Who do you see when you look into that mirror, I wonder? Does your family despise you as much as you despised your father? Do they live in terror of your arrival home?

Me? I sure hope my goal has been achieved. Judging by the love I am given by family and friends it seems I have.

Think about it.

Why In Hell Should We Pay For Migrants To Have Holidays Back 'Home?

2012-02-13T20:52:00.004+10:00

Rant alert! Some things make me angry, and some things make me fly into a rage. This is one of the latter. I have just read an article in The Telegraph, dated Sunday 13 February. The article states that The Islamic Women's Welfare Association has said that our Federal Government should give subsidies to new migrants to 'visit overseas relatives' and we should also consider how to 'facilititate the purchase of homes for new migrants' - because they would like to live near their 'own people'.

There is a lot more about compensation from the Government 'to retain migrants in their country of adoption'.

Look, I don't care if you are black, white, brown, green with blue spots, are catholic, muslim or a bloody frog worshipper - this is surely the biggest piss-take of all time. Compensation? Facilitation? Get real for pity's bloody sake - you wanted to come here to live, presumably because you will now have all the benefits of a first-world country, including education, medicine, housing and food, and a wonderfully free way of life.

Living near your 'own people'? Oi! You! You are living in AUSTRALIA - does that not mean that Australians are now your OWN PEOPLE? And as for the bit about facing a lot of sacrifices "such as having to travel long distances to visit relatives, spending on communication costs, missing out on some events occurring in native countries etc." well, I am so crying for you. I really am. You surely thought of this before you decided to come here to live, didn't you?

Hell's bloody bells - I went and lived in England for donkey's years - we didn't even have a damned telephone to keep in touch with family - and as for asking for government handouts - NEVER. I had a normal dose of self-respect and pride in myself, and made my own way, thank you very much.
Why should the Australia Taxpayer hand money to anyone, no matter who they are, for such things as this? Ever heard of writing a letter you women? Or are you just being totally way out to get yourselves noticed?

If you were so worried about keeping in touch and missing out on events in your own country then how come you decided to live here in the first instance? Please tell me that? I really would like to know your reasoning. You could always be like the Germans, I mean they have Oktoberfest everywhere they go.

As for this little gem? "Its submission also said that migrants should be free to build their own places of worship "without prejudice or discrimination from the communities they live (in)". Since when did anyone stop you building your mosque? First we ever heard of it.

The thing that really makes me seethe about all this, well amongst all the rest of this absolute tripe and bullshit, is that you come here to live and yet you want to still live in the country you arrived from???? Why is that? You ever heard of integration? I would guarantee that 99% of other migrants integrate - they become part of this country and the people who are so proud to call this home.

This goes up on the board with the disgusting comment in the lead-up to Australia Day that anyone who flew the Australian Flag on Australia Day is a 'racist' - get outta here, Australia Day is all about Australia - yeah it IS racist! And proudly so. Without Federation we wouldn't have this country the way it is.
You don't like it? You know what you can do, and I guess you have heard that before - so I will say it again. You don't like it? Don't come here, or don't stay here, because guess what? People like you are NOT welcome.

As I said, I don't care what religion, race or original nationality you are, when you emigrate you integrate. There are not parts of this country that are new settlements for foreign countries, with laws, religion etc of their own. Get off your arse and work and save like everybody else does when they want something. That's why they call us the 'Aussie battlers'.

THIS IS AUSTRALIA.

Compassion & Humanity & Whitney Houston et al

2012-02-12T23:27:00.001+10:00

Was just sitting here as usual and pondering on why some of us have to be so down on others who express sadness that a celebrity has died. Psychologists understand how people identify closely with celebs, and why we feel sadness when one of our 'idols' (or whatever) dies.

I understand too, and the sadness we feel does NOT in any way detract from how tragic are the deaths of the ordinary people in our lives. By ordinary I mean not 'stars', just the people around us who are part of our everyday life. There are people who admire sportsmen and women and follow them and their careers, never missing a game, or a swim etc. There are others who are admiring of a movie star, for their talent, their looks, their nature or any other trait. this is not a bad thing, not really. It often gives young people a goal in life, and an important role model.

And of course there are millions of us who have been given so much joy through song and most importantly, the singer. Whitney was one of those who brought something special to many of us. Her voice was one in a million, and when she sang it lifted us up, and made us soar.

It doesn't matter why, or where, or how she died. The fact remains that she was a young woman, and she should never have left the world.   If I may quote myself:

Well here is granma. Drugs, cigarettes or alcohol yes? I will quote to you what a nurse said to me when I was in hospital with pneumonia (from smoking). There was a young woman (alcoholic) opposite me, with a 9 year old son. She was dying. She hit crisis and the crash team was called in. A nurse stayed with me, which was nice as it was pretty hard to see such a young person in that state, right? I said to the nurse - is it from alcohol? and her reply? "Yes. We all make poor choices in our lives, even though at the time we choose we do not realise it".
I just want those who rant about not having time for people who are on drugs etc to stop a minute, and think quietly before they condemn out of hand. We ALL make poor choices of some sort or another. I will not judge anyone - but for the grace of god or whoever, there go I.
A young woman has died, no matter who she is, and she should never have died. That is really what it amounts to.
This is not a rant or a criticism ladies, just granma being me.
ps forgot to say that the reason I am dying from COPD is because I made a poor choice.

To those who rant because of a death caused by drugs etc., I say - try compassion instead, a little humanity eh?   You obviously have absolutely no understanding of what addiction means, how vicious it is - if you did you would not be making the sometimes quite venomous comments about the death of anyone who is addicted to any substance. Whether it was drugs that killed Whitney is neither here nor there. At base - she has died, and that in itself is tragic.

Unfortunately, I often see a death like this being commented on, and then the judging starts - at my end of life the loss of any young person is sad enough for an ocean of tears. One person's death does not overshadow or make trivial another's.   Oh, and we DO mourn our fallen soldiers, sailors and airmen. We DO feel for their families and comrades.   It is not the case that nobody cares, not at all.


Yes, the media will go overboard with this, as usual, and we know that the reason for that is to generate sales and therefore money. That publicity does NOT mean that your loved one's death was unnoticed or that people didn't care - it is purely that Whitney was a huge public figure for so long, was known the world over, and there will be an awful lot of pounds and dollars made because of her death.

Would you really want your family to have to go through the disgusting circus that will now ensue for Whitney's family?

I know that when my brother died at age 16 the last thing we wanted on this earth was any type of commotion. All we wanted was time and peace in order to try to come to terms with the fact that he was gone forever.

Can You Scream? Very Funny!

2012-02-12T21:39:00.001+10:00

This is an hilarious blog from Grace's amazing mum - whom I thank very much!

The curious case of the missing sellotape!

I have this little girl called Grace, a beautiful, unique, one of a kind 4 year old. Bright, smart, and very amusing, all who know me say she's such a funny little girl, and I beam with pride! “Mum what's this?” She once asked, showing me her finger with a sticker stuck to the end. “Its a sticker baby, you know that” Little did I know this was one of her witty games, and I was left there feeling a little silly, when she responded sharply with “no! Its my finger silly!” and proudly skipped off. Ohh the joys of kids hey, and thus, this brings me to the story of the missing sellotape.....

Now anyone with a young child should know, if you lose a random object, should it be a remote control, a mobile phone or even a hairbrush, your first port of call should always be your child's toy box, or bag. Kids seem to be attracted to these things like magnets. Something I forgot.

It was an ordinary Monday night, I put my daughter to bed at seven thirty and looked forward to relaxing and watching tv. Oh I know, I could even paint my nails! They were looking a bit dull and boring, I'd not done them for a while so why not. Searching through a little vanity bag I keep my nail stuff in, I decided a French manicure would do the job. White tips and then a nice pale pink. Perfect. I got the varnish out, placed them on the side table by the sofa, and went to get the sellotape, which I use to keep the white tips nice and straight when I paint them on, with no mess. This simple task turned into a painful, infuriating one and a half hour search.

And, I searched everywhere, I looked in drawers, I double checked, then triple checked. I looked through the food bags IN the drawers that my daughter had filled with random crap. Under the sofa, behind the tv, in cupboards, on top and inside my wardrobe, in my daughters room. I even asked her numerous times as she lay watching a film “have you seen my sellotape?...are you sure you haven't? Have you hidden it?” She told me that no, she had not seen it, and would I stop been noisy while she was in bed. I don't know about anyone else, but when I need something, know I have it, but simply can't find it, I get angry. I was stomping about, muttering obscenities to myself, growling, slamming things, and doing other stuff that's the typical behaviour of a person who clearly has a temper! I wonder if this is where my girl gets hers from?? Nahhhh. This wasn't even about the nails anymore, I just wanted to know where the sodding tape was! I even took to twitter, tweeting 'if I were a roll of sellotape, where would I be?!' There was a rather naughty word in there which I won't include though, but for arguments sake let's just say, what starts with F and ends in uck, and no, it's not fire truck! I had a few suggestions, but I had already checked these places numerous times. Then, breakthrough!!

I found some! It wasn't the tape I originally set out for, this was double sided sticky tape I forgot I even had, but nonetheless still tape, so I accepted this as a compromise. I could do my nails now right? They would look perfect yes??....NO! It was a massive fail, little bits of sticky glue stuck to my nails when I took it off, and it took some of the white off too. It was getting late, I lost interest, gave up and went to bed defeated and annoyed.

Now fast forward a week. Early morning and I'm sitting on the sofa with my daughter. She wants to play doctors! So off she goes to fetch her doctors bag, which inside she keeps various instruments such as a bandage, thermometer, stethoscope, toy ones of course, it's also full of random baby stuff she uses for her dolls...you know, rattles, bottles etc. you get the idea. First she bandages my hand, I'm not sure what's wrong with it but hey, I'm not the professional here, she is. Then “Right mummy, doctor Grace will listen to your heart now” which I'm pleased to say is fine and normal. Next on my health screening, “Can you scream for me now please” errrm okay, strange request I think, looking a little bewildered, but like I said I'm not the professional, she is. So I do. I let out a small scream. Satisfied I've done a good enough job as she seems to be grinning at me, I stop. And when I do, she proudly reaches into her doctors bag, pulls out THAT roll of MY SELLOTAPE, bites off a strip, sticks it, right over my mouth, and asks if I'm able to scream now.

You have got to be kidding me right?!.....

Why I Want Daniel's Law For Paedophiles

2012-02-09T23:35:00.000+10:00

Please sign my petition. Thank you. (see top of page click to link)

If you weep, you only weep with me - and the rest of Australia.

Daniel Morcombe's story is one that should never have had to be written. It is also a story of something that should never happen again, not in this country. His story is one of tragedy, of the immense courage and love, of the sheer determination and perseverance of his parents and brothers. It is a story of the immense and tireless efforts of the Police throughout eight long, harrowing years.

Daniel lived just 45 minutes from us, on the Sunshine Coast. He was a beautiful 13 year old. On 7th December, 2003 Daniel left home to catch a bus to do some Christmas shopping and have his hair cut. He was never seen again.

Daniel

The last sighting of Daniel was at approximately 2:10 pm on the Nambour Connection Road under the Kiel Mountain Road overpass. The bus he was supposed to catch had broken down a few kilometres before his stop, and was behind schedule. When a replacement bus eventually arrived, Daniel hailed the bus, but it carried on without stopping, due to its delay and the fact that his stop was only an unofficial request stop. The driver of the bus radioed the depot for another bus to go and pick up Daniel. The bus driver and other witnesses later reported seeing a man standing a distance behind Daniel, and another man slightly farther away at the time. When the second bus came a couple of minutes later, both Daniel and the man had gone.

Police placed a mannequin at the spot where Daniel was last seen, from which they received a massive response from potential witnesses. The SES (State Emergency Services) were called in to join the search of bushland in the area. Grave fears were held for Daniel's safety. Witnesses gave information that a blue 1980s model sedan, possibly a Toyota Corolla, with yellow New South Wales license plates was seen nearby at the time of Daniel's disappearance.

In December 2006, the three year anniversary, Mr. Morcombe revealed the family's shocking belief that his son had been called by the 'pet' name "Christmas cake" by a pedophile network which knew what had happened to him. He appealed for someone to come forward and help solve the crime.


Daniel's Parents

Daniel's parents worked unceasingly to keep the story in the forefront of everyone's mind, to keep the media exposure going, to find their son. The Police were in close contact with them every step of the way. By 12th December 2008, a reward of $1,000,000 ($250,000 from the Government and another $750,000 from private donation) had been offered. The privately donated portion of the reward expired at midnight on 31 May 2009. On this particular day, the Seven Network reported that a known paedophile (Douglas Jackway), who had been released from prison in 2003 - one month before Daniel disappeared - could be of interest to the police.

Police Minister Judy Spence said the reward was available for information that leads to the apprehension and conviction of the person or people responsible for Daniel's suspected abduction and murder, or the location of Daniel's body.

In May 2009, a life sized clay model of a man believed to be involved in Daniel's abduction was placed at the spot from where Daniel disappeared. Within a few days there were more than 300 responses.

In June 2009, the Queensland Government came under criticism from Parliament over the release of Jackway from prison. One MP claimed the Supreme Court had presented clear evidence of his risk of reoffending. This publicity also prompted civil liberties groups to call for laws banning media outlets from naming people linked to criminal cases. (source Wikipedia)

June 2009, and Daniel's parents called for a coronial inquest, hopeful of finding answers. They said that after five and half years, it was time an inquest was held. Several criminals had told Police that they knew who had abducted and killed Daniel, and also where he was buried.

The inquest would have been an indescribable ordeal for the Morcombes, with a witness confessing to the abduction and murder of Daniel, only to be found lying, and acting out of revenge on a partner, and seeking attention.

Daniel’s parents, Bruce and Denise, this morning also described the next two “PoI’’ (Persons of Interest) witnesses to testify at their son’s inquest in the Brisbane Coroner’s Court as “disgusting human beings.” (Source Courier Mail)

And, unbelievably,

A MOTHER saw Daniel Morcombe standing at a bus stop about the time of his disappearance and then heard the urgent screams of a child in distress while driving to collect her daughter from church.
Judith Van Der Meer told the Brisbane Coroner's Court she remembered seeing Daniel, a blue car and two men acting "conspicuously" under the Kiel Mountain Rd overpass about the time of his disappearance of December 7, 2003.
Ms Van Der Meer, who was running late to collect her young daughter from the nearby Christian Outreach Church, said after passing Daniel she heard a child's voice yelling.
"It was definitely Daniel there with a stick (and then) I remember hearing a boy's voice saying, 'No, I don't want to,' " she said. "It was short, it was sharp, it was urgent."
However, the mother-of-the-three said after collecting her daughter from church she "didn't think anything more of it".

Eventually, after eight long years, a 41 year old man, a former truck driver, Brett Peter Cowan, was arrested. He was PoI7, and Police had been watching him for some time.

UNDERCOVER police officers lived for months at the same Perth caravan park as the man accused of murdering Daniel Morcombe.
Brett Peter Cowan had no idea that almost every moment of his life was being monitored by detectives living just metres from him.

The surprise arrest came after police lured him back to Queensland from Perth under a covert and complex strategy. Brett Peter Cowan was charged with murder and other offences, including child stealing, deprivation of liberty, indecent treatment of a child under 16, and interfering with a corpse.


Artist Impression of Cowan/Cohen

Following the arrest a massive search, including the dog squad and police divers, was undertaken at the Glass House Mountains. Mrs. Morcombe wept as she told of how difficult this task would be. "During the floods, this spot had 10m of water through it," she said. The SES and Police vowed they would not give up until they had scoured every inch of the area. On 21 August 2011, two shoes and three human bones were found. Forensic testing confirmed that the bones were Daniel's. Three bones and two shoes.


Going through inch by inch


Creek in the search area

Brett Peter Cowan? He is the father of three children. He is also known as Brett Peter Cohen. He was sentenced in 1994 to seven years in jail, with three and a half years without parole. He is a repeat offender, one victim was a 6 year old boy, who, after being assaulted by Cowan wandered into a service station, naked and bleeding. His other victim was a 7 year old boy, and he served fourteen months in Brisbane for molesting the boy.

This evil evil creature was able to move freely about the country, live where he wanted and be secure in the knowledge that the public were unaware of his exact nature as a child sexual predator. This is wrong. Our country needs to have laws in place that equate with laws in the USA - we have a right to know if a predator lives in our neighbourhood. We have a right to protect our children of whatever age. And we have a right to know that these creatures will be put away for a very very long time. Once a paedophile - always a paedophile. This evil, foul excuse for a man just kept on reoffending until he committed the ultimate crime. Queensland's most massive manhunt should never have happened.

I want Daniel's law. Will you please help me to get it?

.

Boyfriend Threw Baby And Tortured Him

2012-02-09T19:50:00.001+10:00

I read this story, a little late (from 8 February) and I wasn't just horrified, I was fuming, absolutely grinding my teeth with fury.

It all happened in County Clare, not that the location means a lot. The baby in question was 10 months old at the time. His mother was 19 and the boyfriend 20. The boyfriend has been jailed for ONLY three years, because he pleaded guilty. The Circuit Court Judge, Judge Moran said:

if Connors had not pleaded guilty, he would have been sentenced to near the maximum seven years in jail for the offence.

What the hell? He will be out in a few months, right? What did he do? What didn't this animal do is the question. Remember, this is a 10 month old baby.

he "slapped, kicked, punched and threw" a 10-month-old baby around an apartment "like he was a toy".
The child was taken to A&E with injuries including two broken forearms, a dislocated right elbow, a significant brain bleed, a bite mark to his right cheek, a burn mark from an iron to his calf and multiple bruising across his body, a court heard yesterday.


LARRY CONNORS - THE FACE OF AN EVIL MONSTER

I am beginning to wonder if the mother of the baby is a little mentally ill, you know? She said:

her then partner "became psychotic and he would lock himself into the room with the child and he would start to scream and roar at the child".
She said: "It was the most incredible difficult thing to go through as I knew that Larry was hurting the child and I couldn't do anything about it.
"Larry Connors abused my child for a three-week period and there was nothing I could do about it.

Nothing she could do about it? Hows about calling the cops? Hows about kicking the damned door in and rescuing your kid? How about booting the evil shit out? This little tot was subjected to this horrific abuse in December 2010 to January 2011. He now requires speech therapy because of a tear injury to his mouth, and later this year he will have to have his elbow broken where it was dislocated, so that it can be reset. He has nightmares.

I also have to wonder what planet some of the judiciary and lawyers are from, because of what was said:

Defence lawyer Brian McInerney said: "Connors has a very poor level of education. He comes from a very dysfunctional family background. . .

"It is not an excuse for this kind of conduct."

He added: "He realises that he is going to prison and hopes that this will be the first step on the road to recovery for him."

Judge Moran said that the case was "fairly shocking" and the injuries were suffered by "a defenceless baby".

If his background is NOT an excuse, why bring it up in the first place? And as for Judge Moran's comment about the case being "fairly shocking", well geee whiz I would think that is possibly the understatement of the year.

This guy is another one I am awarding a bullet to.

In The Orifice

2012-02-09T17:49:00.000+10:00

Here I am, at the desk in my orifice, blethering away about the most frustrating few days I have had since...whenever. I only wanted a few pieces of paper, you know how it is? I used to be organised, but I haven't even done any shredding for years (ahem). And by the look of it, no filing either. (ahem again)

So. I wanted these bits of paper, but last year some time (or maybe the year before?) we had all our floors tiled. So when it came to what room is next we would have about 24 hours to clear the room. What a shambles. Came time for the orifice and all sorts of fun was had. Had to empty files, and dismantle furniture and move 5,000 books. All the paperwork sort of got shoved here and there and there and here. Into boxes and rubber bands and pillow cases.

When it was all moved back in we had some pieces of new furniture, so there are a bazillion things that don't have homes now. Sigh. They just got shoved anywhere. God help us all!

Ah. Now I need these pieces of paper, do you think I can find them? I realise I still have paperwork from the year 2000.....oh the shame. And every year is muddled into every other year. Oh. my. god. What a bloody mess, and there is a pile 2ft high on the filing cabinet, another one 3ft high on the desk, a further 2ft high on the bookshelves. A plastic storage box crammed to the top. Another pile on the sewing table. Picture it if you can. And I can't find any rubber bands.

Much muttering and sighing and a few tears, many foul words and four days later, shifting papers hither and yon and back again, totally confused to the point where I can't even remember what the hell I wanted in the first place. Suddenly - hey! there is a box in the cupboard with paperwork! Shit. I bet the pieces are in there, what do you bet? Last place you look, well it was last because it was hidden - but there the pieces were. I spent 2 more days sorting through that pile, found the papers and promptly lost them in a great deluge when everything avalanched off the desk. Puts head on arms and weeps ...

Now I have everything out of the cupboard, littering the floor, and there are still piles of paper everybloodywhere.

Maybe I should get organised. Maybe I should just throw it all out the window and burn the freaking lot. Especially since I can't remember now why I wanted the pieces of paper. Sigh.

The Iron Strikes Back

2012-02-09T17:41:00.001+10:00

I bought a new iron. It' s the slam! It really is. It has all these little holes in the bottom, and steam comes out of them! Yes, yes, I know about steam irons, but my old one didn't any more. There was more steam coming out of me ears from frustration than there was coming from the iron.

That little squirty thing was all blocked up too so you couldn't spray a wrinkle. I was reduced to going pthui phtui on the wrinkle, which takes a long time to wet it really. Bit like the good old days when you used to spit on the iron to see if it was hot. If it went 'ssssssssss' you knew it was ok to go ahead.

As for a shot of steam? Well you probably have guessed? Press le button and voila! Lots of little tiny grey flakes all over the shop. They must breed in the tank I think, because every iron I have had ended up shooting my clothes with little grey specks. And sometimes sort of brown rusty marks. That always makes me ears steam too.

Anyhow, this iron is molto good, it is pretty as anything, has green bits and all on it. And it is a nice calming green. For once the designers thought about it - I mean, your state of mind when you have to iron calls for calming, doesn't it?

Maybe I should be taking a listen to the THIB (Thinks He Is Boss) and just not bothering. After all, he says, the wrinkles will fall out when you wear it! (doesn't work for my face, I can tell ya)

When I have finished admiring my new iron, with the super dooper long cord, I might even fill it, plug it in and iron a t-shirt. Maybe.

Are You Being Emotionally Abused?

2012-02-02T22:34:00.003+10:00

If you know me or have read blogs by me you will understand that I know exactly what emotional abuse is all about. Been there, done that, and didn't even understand what was being done to me.

Emotional abuse is possibly more destructive than physical abuse, but then again I guess it depends on the victim.   Emotional abuse takes a long, long time to recover from - if ever. You need all your mental strength, massive support and a shedload of happy pills (if you are anything like me).

There are signs, symptoms, whatever you want to call them, to watch for, to help you understand whether you are being emotionally abused. There are also many avenues for getting help. I am not going into that here, although I am sure you can find where to get help from your doctor, or even Googling mental health websites and asking for contact numbers. Just remember, whatever the abuse you are suffering, you are not alone. It's fine to turn to family for help, but often family don't want to know, for various reasons. So a medical person is the obvious first port of call.   You can also call the Samaritans, or Lifeline - who will give you every help and support.

The stereotype abuser is a male, but it isn't always the case, as women are just as likely to be emotionally abusive. It also doesn't matter whether you are married, living together, in a same sex relationship or even just going out together. Whatever the case, it is totally unacceptable behaviour, which will only continue and sometimes escalate into physical abuse as well.

If your partner has done something physical to you, pushed you, hit you, thrown things at you, be aware that these are signs that the violence can escalate, and probably will.   Any partner with a nasty temper that they don't control, and who has done something like smashing things, punching the wall, fighting with outsiders - any violent reaction like this - might come to the point where they physically abuse you.

Are you being isolated from family and friends?
Abusive relationships are all about control and power over another. If you are being prevented from seeing your friends and family, are being 'punished' for going out (example, your partner sulks or threatens, shouts at you or insults you), this is a controlling behaviour. Your partner might be deliberately rude to friends who call on you, and/or say demeaning things about your friends and family. You may go out in a group, but he/she will make the evening miserable by being rude or sarcastic. And then you will be punished again when you get home, with the insults or threatening behaviour.

Does your partner make you feel afraid?
Isolation and fear are two of the very nasty tactics used by an abuser. You feel afraid that you are going to be physically hurt, which keeps you in line. The abuser can use many tactics to make you feel fear. Feeling fear around your partner is an extremely bad sign.

Does your partner blame everyone else, but never take responsibility for his/her own actions?
This is typical of the abusive personality, nothing is ever their fault, it is always the fault of someone else. The blame very often falls on you for things that don't go right, or the way the abuser wants them to go. She loses her job but it is the fault of the new supervisor, not her fault for being rude at work. He is handed a default ticket for his car but it isn't his fault - it's the fault of the Police and their stupid rules, or your fault for not having the car fixed.

Is your partner jealous - of you, your friendships, your goals, career and the like?
Another very nasty trait is jealousy. On a personal note here, my ex was jealous of his own daughter. He wanted me to dance to his tune exclusively, and couldn't handle the fact that my attention was divided. He was livid that I chose to work when we married, and I now see that this is because he had lost control over that part of my life. He went into a rage when I passed my driving test, then sulked and wouldn't speak to me for a week. Jealousy is indeed an evil creature.

Are you expected to wait on him/her hand and foot?
Abusers typically swan around thinking the world owes them, and acting as though they are a cut above everyone else, especially you. The abuser will expect you to do everything, and will do nothing in return.

Does he/she manipulate you into doing what he/she wants?
The abuser is a master at manipulation, using sulks, threats to leave you, and other emotional punishments if you don't go along with her or his idea of how things should be. If you do try to assert yourself, you will be made to feel guilty.
Sometimes the abuser will act remorseful, and loving, but it won't be long before he or she is back to normal - as soon as he or she feels they have you back where you belong the cycle will start again.

Do you live your life being afraid of his/her hair-trigger temper?
The temper can erupt for any reason, and has you tip-toeing around, trying desperately to keep things calm and on an even keel. God help you if his coffee is too cold.

Are you always making excuses for his/her behaviour?
He’s tired. He had a hard week. He’s under a lot of pressure. He’s only like that when he’s had too much to drink. Sure, these excuses may explain the rare social gaffe and could, in fact, be true. But if you’re regularly trying to explain away rude, violent or disrespectful behaviour, you could be emotionally abused.

We put up a wall called denial when we are in a relationship, often not seeing or wanting to see what is in front of us, or what is right and wrong. You should never have to excuse or explain away someone else's behaviour.

Does he or she make snide 'jokes' at your expense?
" Although boorish and rude, the occasional zinger isn’t an automatic ticket to the Abusers Hall of Fame. "

However, shooting you with poisonous remarks and then trivialising it " what's up? can't take a joke?" - this is NOT respect. It is more about emotional distancing, which can rapidly lead to abuse.

Emotional abuse can become physical with very little notice. Just ask Aimee, 41, of San Francisco, who was in an abusive relationship for eight years – while working at a battered women’s shelter! It was so subtle, says Aimee (whose name was changed to protect her privacy). “It went from unhealthy to pathological in such tiny increments that I accepted every little increment completely.”
By the time it crossed over into physical abuse, “I couldn’t name it. I was in absolute denial,” she says.

My ex would say that I was 'common' or 'uneducated' and think absolutely nothing of the slap in the face it was to me. He would also use lecturing behaviour to control me, i.e., how I should behave, what I should/should not say, what I should wear and the like. It is all demeaning. It is all abuse.

Does he/she control the money?
This is a zinger because it is the ultimate in controlling you - you have no access to your own money, or credit card. He can do what he wants with it, and you get a meagre allowance, if any. He has you where he wants you - which is dependent on him.

Does your partner 'get in your face' when you fight?
Every couple fights now and again, but if your partner follows you when you are trying to walk away, or gets really close to you when you are arguing, that is a sign that he or she is extremely frustrated, so frustrated that he or she could hit you in an eye blink.

Does he or she raise a hand or fist in anger?
If he or she manages to stop before you are hit, will they be able to control themselves as much next time it happens?

Has your partner ever become physical - even just the once?
If you have been treated roughly physically, this is abuse. Don't just brush it away. If you have been hit, punched, pinched, slapped, had your hair pulled - any physical rough treatment is abuse.

This is all domestic violence, and domestic violence escalates, as I have pointed out above.

“The woman who loses her life probably started with name-calling, a push, a shove, hair pulling or something like that.”

Has your life been threatened?
My advice is to believe him or her, and leave. Right now.

Even if he’s never kept his word before, you don’t want to be there when he decides to follow through.
When a person is brash enough to make threats, we need to take it at face value. The reality is, if he said it, he probably meant it.
There are no statistics about how often threats translate into homicide, but the following situations increase the odds that an abused woman will be killed by her partner:

He has a weapon and has threatened you with it before.
He’s threatened your children.
He’s unemployed.
He’s forced you to have sex.
He’s jealous and controls most of your daily activities.
He says if he can’t have you, nobody can.
He’s threatened or attempted suicide.
You believe he could kill you.

How bad does it have to get before you say enough is enough? An abusive relationship saps your energy, strips away your dignity and can be physically dangerous to you and your family.