Such Small Portions

Butch Cassidy & The Sundance Yid

2013-02-20T15:28:00.001Z

"They're beginning to get on my nerves. Who are those guys?"So says Butch to Sundance in the classic 1969 buddy Western as they are chased by a relentless six-strong posse during the central sequence.Didn't end well for them, did it?And so Spurs look over their shoulder. And there are our dogged pursuers. Tracking us at an almost perfectly constant distance. Getting on our nerves. Except

The day I met Paul Gascoigne - naked

2013-02-10T20:54:00.001Z

(So, this was written almost exactly two years ago, when I was concerned about Gascoigne. Today, concern doesn't begin to cover it. But I still met him, we were both still naked, and he's still my favourite player) I met Paul Gascoigne once. We were both completely naked.It was at a health club. Gazza knew the owner (a quite loathsome '

I've become THAT supporter

2013-01-03T11:55:00.000Z

Who's that supporter? Well me, obviously, the clue's in the title. But that's a recent development. He's actually been around for ages and until this season I thought he was just plain weird and not a little wrong. He's the guy who you see in the crowd after we score, just sort of casually clapping his hands (he's usually wearing quite big gloves, I think), smiling, standing still, maybe

Fulham Vs Tottenham: Some things are more important than the result

2012-11-30T12:39:00.003Z

Spurs have a rare opportunity to right a wrong this Saturday against Fulham. And it is one they must seize. The football world was appalled recently when Shakhtar Donetsk's Adriano flouted the conventions (if not the laws) of the game by cynically pouncing on of one of those tiresome 'After You, Claude' free kicks, banging the ball in the back of the net and then twirling his waxed moustache in

Why tonight's game is the biggest of the season so far

2012-11-28T09:17:00.002Z

This is the big one; the bellwether, the true test.Until now there have been a few routine results, the odd stunner and a few stinkers. But this is the one.After a run of swings and roundabouts, this is the see-saw game. Pivotal, see? Cheers.The reason is because for the last few years we have been a better side than Liverpool. And in order to achieve anything, we need to remain so.Actually,

Spurs' season so far: the definitive guide

2012-10-12T17:18:00.000+01:00

We've beaten some cannon fodder. Failed to beat some other cannon fodder. And played really rather flippin well at Old Trafford for 45 minutes. Actually that doesn't look right. 'Cannon fodder', I mean. Too redolent of The Other Lot. But then if you transpose our crest for theirs in that phrase, it becomes cock fodder. And that doesn't look right either. That doesn't look right at all. The

So farewell then, Luka

2012-08-27T10:03:00.000+01:00

<!-- /* Font Definitions */ @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ明朝"; mso-font-charset:78; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:"ＭＳ明朝"; mso-font-charset:78; mso-generic-font-family:auto; mso-font-pitch:variable; mso-font-signature:1 134676480 16 0 131072 0;} @font-face {font-family:Calibri; panose-1:

The Beautiful Games - and the return of Clive Tyldesley

2012-08-14T07:35:00.000+01:00

I didn't need the unadulterated wondrousness of the Olympics to throw the grubbiness and sheer wrong-headedness of the Premier League into sharp relief. Watching under/hardly paid, decent sportsmen and women compete honestly and ferociously, then accept their fate and finishing position with humility, equanimity, tears and smiles has, of course, been a delight. But I already knew the modern

What's this? Harry's left?! Why didn't anyone tell me?...

2012-06-15T10:50:00.001+01:00

I wasn't overjoyed when Harry was appointed.I wasn't dismayed, but I didn't see it as a great choice or huge step forward.I considered his managerial record (one very streaky cup win in 30-odd years) to be far from stellar - and thought his kudos was based as much on a 'one-of-the-chaps persona' allied to media smarts as much as footballing achievements.But, he took us from bottom to eighth,

Flippin Fulop - far from 'armless

2012-05-15T10:25:00.000+01:00

Wise football folk will always say your team's fate isn't decided on the final day. They also say there is no point in looking back over a season of iffy decisions, glaring misses and last minute equalisers to work out either where you blew it or how different things would be in a 'fair' universe. They're right, of course. So let's not do that. Let's definitely not dwell on being robbed away

Spurs - masters in the art of disappointment

2012-04-16T15:58:00.004+01:00

(I was asked to write a piece on the semi final by Sabotage Times. 'Funnily' enough, the morning after, I didn't much feel like it. But I did. I did this, in fact. The main theme, as you'll see, is disappointment. It was tapped into my phone on the train to work, filtered through a hangover)Over the years I've been consistently surprised and impressed by Tottenham's ability to find new ways of

Triffic tactics - from Daniel, not Harry

2012-04-03T18:24:00.003+01:00

I see what we're doing. I get it.What's clearly happening is that in the build up to each of our last eight games, Daniel Levy is allowing the manager of the opposition to be linked heavily with the Spurs job, thereby causing them to stop and think, at least sub-consciously, do I want Champions League football or not?It worked on Brendan Rodgers. There wasn't a booking, barely a tackle, hardly

I'm with Cherie Lunghi

2012-03-22T13:00:00.005Z

At the nail-biting denouement of pioneering '80s drama The Manageress, one of the players has to take a penalty which, if he scores, means the team, called, er, something or other, will, um, I dunno, get promoted. Or avoid relegation.Look I was mainly (only) watching for Cherie Lunghi. But what I do remember is that, her character, The Manageress, just before the kick is taken, turns her back and

Supporting Spurs is for lunatics

2012-03-16T09:16:00.003Z

Essayist, bon viveur and garish jazz enabler George Melly wrote that one of the 'benefits' of growing old was that as your libido dissipated then disappeared it was 'like being unshackled from a lunatic'.A similar effect can be achieved at a far younger age, of course, simply by getting married.I wonder, though, how similar the effect would be if we could just turn off the part of our brain that

This bears no relevance to Tottenham's current season

2012-03-12T14:31:00.009Z

It also contains no information or insight concerning any matches we've just played or will soon play. It does not purport to tell you what we should have 'learned' from the Everton game or what we need to do against Bolton, Stoke or Chelsea, or why Harry... etc.So, if you're the type of reader who likes a 'point' to things, you'll probably want to give this a miss. Because what it is, in fact,

Tottenham: Where did it all go wrong?

2012-03-05T09:16:00.003Z

This is a classic 'Where did it all go wrong?' moment.You know the story, of course; it practically defines George Best. One afternoon, injured or AWOL, our man, instead of slogging away at the training ground, is 'relaxing' on a hotel bed surrounded by swathes of bank notes, bottles of Champagne and a Miss Universe (or two, depends who you believe).A waiter walks in to deliver some room service,

Tottenham's list of shame

2012-02-18T13:55:00.004Z

Been a while, hasn't it? Anything happened?Well, yes, loads, obviously. There was that ridiculous see-saw game with City, the bore draw with Liverpool, Redknapp told the world he couldn't read or write, but was cleared of swerving tax payments, Capello quit, Harry was suddenly in the frame rather than being framed, and we knocked seven shades of hype out of Newcastle.But forget all that. Let's

The wisdom of Jim Royle and the future of Spurs

2012-01-21T11:43:00.001Z

In one of the heart string-tugging Christmas episodes of The Royle Family, Denise is pregnant, they all watch a bit of telly, then her waters break.It famously ends with Jim and his daughter alone, upstairs. The drama of the moment heightened by the unfamiliarity of the surroundings and their rare removal from their emotional and actual comfort zone. He talks to her movingly about the joys of

Tiresome media hysteria and rival fans' wilful idiocy

2012-01-14T19:53:00.008Z

Media (when Spurs are doing quite well): Harry, is it possible for Spurs to win the league?Harry: It's 'possible', yes.Headline: 'We can win title, roars Spurs boss'.Other teams' fans: Ha, look at them getting carried awayMedia (when Spurs inevitably drop points): So, Harry, do you still think you're going to win the league?Harry: I never said I thought we were going to win the league! You asked

The Coming Second - a nightmare scenario

2012-01-12T07:39:00.001Z

Such Small Portions: Hello Such Small Portions from 2006.Such Small Portions from 2006: Hello Such Small Portions. How are you?SSP: Huh?SSPF2006: Sorry, how am I?SSP: Yeah, not bad thanks.SSPF2006: Did that rash clear up?SSP: Let's talk about that later.SSPF2006: Yeah, all right, no problem, it's just that...SSP: Look, aren't you going to ask me about Spurs?SSPF2006: Well, hang on, I might want

A stupid and ungrateful Spurs fan writes...

2012-01-06T07:31:00.001Z

This is utterly churlish and wholly unreasonable, I know. But now and again, when I'm feeling especially idiotic, I do wish we hadn't just written off the first two games of the season.If you measured the league over of the top three's last 17 games, the top three would look like this:Tottenham 42Man City 39Man Utd 36The reality's not quite as awesome. Pretty damn good, but not 'oh my god we

Efan club

2011-12-28T17:06:00.006Z

Also, can we have more Efan Ekoku on the telly, please? He was smart, articulate, realistic, insightful, honest, interesting and pretty funny in a sardonic, anti-banter kind of way.Basically, find as many endings as you can to the sentence 'Paul Merson is not...' and you've got Efan Ekoku. He used the word 'phlegmatic' last night, for goodness sake. In context. The anchor went straight to

Great Expectations - what the Dickens is going on at Tottenham?

2011-12-28T16:04:00.014Z

And so, on Tuesday evening, we all settled down to watch Great Expectations. There'd been a lot of hype in the build-up and plenty of stars were on show, and yet the feeling persisted that it might turn out to be a horrible disappointment.In the end though, it was rather good, wasn't it? Gillian Anderson lacks genuine pace, admittedly, but Brad Friedel made an excellent Magwitch and as for Luka

And Adebayor must score...

2011-12-24T15:23:00.003Z

If Adebayor had taken his 92nd minute chance, it may have been the greatest thing to happen in the history of things happening. Or at least in the top 183 billion, which, when you think about it, is right up there.One thing's for sure, if he'd had an Arsenal shirt on and been playing against us rather than for us, he'd have slotted it. And we'd have been heartbroken.As it is, we're mildly

Seven would be heaven - but is it 'Welcome to Hell'?

2011-12-08T13:43:00.005Z

Stoke away has become a symbolic fixture for football folk. 'On a wet Tuesday night', I believe, completes the cliche.This was the exact mix of venue, time and prevailing meteorological conditions that Andy Gray reckoned would expose Lionel Messi for the effete charlatan he so obviously is.Or did he? Maybe it's one of those apocryphal things. Or something that's been twisted just to make him look