Such Small Portions

Tottenham's list of shame

2012-02-18T13:55:00.004Z

Been a while, hasn't it? Anything happened?Well, yes, loads, obviously. There was that ridiculous see-saw game with City, the bore draw with Liverpool, Redknapp told the world he couldn't read or write, but was cleared of swerving tax payments, Capello quit, Harry was suddenly in the frame rather than being framed, and we knocked seven shades of hype out of Newcastle.But forget all that. Let's

The wisdom of Jim Royle and the future of Spurs

2012-01-21T11:43:00.001Z

In one of the heart string-tugging Christmas episodes of The Royle Family, Denise is pregnant, they all watch a bit of telly, then her waters break.It famously ends with Jim and his daughter alone, upstairs. The drama of the moment heightened by the unfamiliarity of the surroundings and their rare removal from their emotional and actual comfort zone. He talks to her movingly about the joys of

Tiresome media hysteria and rival fans' wilful idiocy

2012-01-14T19:53:00.008Z

Media (when Spurs are doing quite well): Harry, is it possible for Spurs to win the league?Harry: It's 'possible', yes.Headline: 'We can win title, roars Spurs boss'.Other teams' fans: Ha, look at them getting carried awayMedia (when Spurs inevitably drop points): So, Harry, do you still think you're going to win the league?Harry: I never said I thought we were going to win the league! You asked

The Coming Second - a nightmare scenario

2012-01-12T07:39:00.001Z

Such Small Portions: Hello Such Small Portions from 2006.Such Small Portions from 2006: Hello Such Small Portions. How are you?SSP: Huh?SSPF2006: Sorry, how am I?SSP: Yeah, not bad thanks.SSPF2006: Did that rash clear up?SSP: Let's talk about that later.SSPF2006: Yeah, all right, no problem, it's just that...SSP: Look, aren't you going to ask me about Spurs?SSPF2006: Well, hang on, I might want

A stupid and ungrateful Spurs fan writes...

2012-01-06T07:31:00.001Z

This is utterly churlish and wholly unreasonable, I know. But now and again, when I'm feeling especially idiotic, I do wish we hadn't just written off the first two games of the season.If you measured the league over of the top three's last 17 games, the top three would look like this:Tottenham 42Man City 39Man Utd 36The reality's not quite as awesome. Pretty damn good, but not 'oh my god we

Efan club

2011-12-28T17:06:00.006Z

Also, can we have more Efan Ekoku on the telly, please? He was smart, articulate, realistic, insightful, honest, interesting and pretty funny in a sardonic, anti-banter kind of way.Basically, find as many endings as you can to the sentence 'Paul Merson is not...' and you've got Efan Ekoku. He used the word 'phlegmatic' last night, for goodness sake. In context. The anchor went straight to

Great Expectations - what the Dickens is going on at Tottenham?

2011-12-28T16:04:00.014Z

And so, on Tuesday evening, we all settled down to watch Great Expectations. There'd been a lot of hype in the build-up and plenty of stars were on show, and yet the feeling persisted that it might turn out to be a horrible disappointment.In the end though, it was rather good, wasn't it? Gillian Anderson lacks genuine pace, admittedly, but Brad Friedel made an excellent Magwitch and as for Luka

And Adebayor must score...

2011-12-24T15:23:00.003Z

If Adebayor had taken his 92nd minute chance, it may have been the greatest thing to happen in the history of things happening. Or at least in the top 183 billion, which, when you think about it, is right up there.One thing's for sure, if he'd had an Arsenal shirt on and been playing against us rather than for us, he'd have slotted it. And we'd have been heartbroken.As it is, we're mildly

Seven would be heaven - but is it 'Welcome to Hell'?

2011-12-08T13:43:00.005Z

Stoke away has become a symbolic fixture for football folk. 'On a wet Tuesday night', I believe, completes the cliche.This was the exact mix of venue, time and prevailing meteorological conditions that Andy Gray reckoned would expose Lionel Messi for the effete charlatan he so obviously is.Or did he? Maybe it's one of those apocryphal things. Or something that's been twisted just to make him look

WWWWDWWWWWW

2011-12-04T21:56:00.004Z

A lousy hand at Scrabble, but a hell of a run.There's a Joy Division song called Day of the Lords which ends with a desperate Ian Curtis bleakly intoning "Where will it end? Where will it end?" It's on a permanent loop in my head these days.I hope the answer's not 'Stoke'.It was never going to be 'at home to Bolton', was it? Not after scoring within the first 15 minutes? No, of course it wasn't.

Not even Phil Thompson can spoil this party

2011-11-28T21:23:00.001Z

It's rarely a good thing when Phil Thompson talks.When he's 'doing' us on Gillette Soccer Saturday, it's almost always a truly terrible thing.When he's 'doing' us, it's injury time, we're one-up and he suddenly shouts 'GOOOAAAL!', it's borderline justification for conkicide.This weekend though, when he did exactly that, it was an excellent thing; he spoke the words we longed to hear: "It's a

Efficient, ruthless - who are those strange men in white shirts?

2011-11-22T11:52:00.005Z

I'm not too sure of the etymology of the word 'ruthless', so I'd hesitate to describe previous incarnations of our beloved Spurs as 'ruth', or even 'ruthful'.I mean, I'm no expert in the English language (oh shut your face, as Frankie Howerd would have said), but neither of those sound quite right.Whatever. We all turned up on Monday hopeful of a win, but certain of a nervous night. I thought we

Pacemakers or a right bunch of anginas?

2011-11-19T12:11:00.001Z

So, having upset the blue half of Manchester, it's time to get back to what I do best: depressing the lillywhite half of North London.Seven wins out of eight, flowing football, bags of goals, new-found resilience and the odd slice of luck. It can't last. Can it?Probably not, but can it last at least one more game, please? Because to be brought back down to earth by Villa: that'd be a bump and a

Why the 'Poznan' is a wholly appropriate celebration for Man City

2011-11-17T07:43:00.003Z

I'm making a list, the Wrong-Headed Buffoon list: any pundit, commentator, journalist or fan who uses the phrase 'all credit to Man City' will be on it.Man City deserve no credit whatsoever. Man City, in fact, don't exist anymore. A collection of footballers (and 'collection' is a good word here, by the way - they could be Picassos or sports cars) play in troublingly familiar light blue shirts in

Fulham v Spurs - Just what the doctor ordered?

2011-11-08T10:21:00.001Z

Undeserved, unconvincing, utterly joyous.Presumably the doctors treating Harry haven't wasted too much time trying to diagnose the cause of his heart problems. Our second half performance was basically a full fry-up covered in melted cheese.But... three points, 22 from 24, another away win - and more than two weeks to savour a job well done. Okay, to savour a job done.I do love winning ahead

Just what the doctor ordered?

2011-11-07T07:14:00.001Z

Unpicking the pecking order

2011-11-05T11:16:00.004Z

In the last three months I've made two pretty confident calls.Firstly, I was grumpily and publicly underwhelmed by the arrival of Scott Parker.Then, I consistently questioned whether or not Van der Vaart contributed enough on an individual basis in relation to how he disrupts the pattern of our team.So, let me start by predicting a thumping win for Fulham on Sunday.That should guarantee us three

Tottenham v QPR - here come the nice

2011-10-29T17:24:00.000+01:00

It's impossible to say this without sounding patronising. And I retain the right to completely reverse my position after the game, but I quite like QPR. They're nice.Very few of us, I'm sure, have QPR-supporting friends that really get on our tits with their constant arrogance, needling, aggression or triumphalism. They don't do that sort of thing. (And yes, the fact that they haven't won

Rafa: we need the eggs

2011-10-28T07:49:00.001+01:00

The big question ahead of Sunday's game is a strange one: will Rafa start?Yeah, Rafa, the guy that slotted two fine goals and won us three points away at Blackburn. That Rafa. Our leading goalscorer, you know the guy.It was the big question this time last week, as well, with much debate as to whether/where he should fit into the line up. And when he was announced ahead of Defoe, there were some

Newcastle report/Blackburn preview

2011-10-22T14:29:00.004+01:00

Didn't get round to a Newcastle review and haven't done a Blackburn preview, but both can be covered off with similar points.(Not even a mention of Rubin Kazan, but I can do that now: Oh Pav. Pav, Pav, Pav.)Okay, it's gonna get a bit technical here, and I might lose some of you, so concentrate. Against Newcastle, from the off, we just looked... wonky.Was it 4-5-1, or 4-4-1-1? Or nine outfield

Adebayor, or... or what, precisely

2011-10-14T07:30:00.000+01:00

Right, just a quickie: is it me or have we become awfully reliant on Adebayor all of a sudden?If he's out, which apparently he might be this Sunday, what are our options? I don't think Defoe on his own works; I don't think VdV on his own works; I don't think Defoe and VdV work together; I don't think Pav... well, I don't think Pav knows what 'work' means.And what are the chances of us actually

Super Seismic Sunday

2011-10-12T07:10:00.000+01:00

Spurs always do this to me. Or do I always do this to Spurs?A non-descript match in the middle distance of our fixture list comes closer and suddenly takes on the proportions of an epochal acid test that will basically decide the fate of our club for at least a decade.I mean, Newcastle away. Who gives a fuck, right? Or, at least, who gave a fuck? But now it looms. And it looms large. See how it

Jr Walker and the All Stars make a joyful sound

2011-10-03T06:38:00.001+01:00

The most significant thing, perhaps, is that this was only my third favourite win against Arsenal in the last couple of years.The spell-breaker at White Hart Lane in 2010 and the curse-lifter at the Emirates six months later occupy the top two slots.Still, it wasn't bad...We were, of course, famously, loudly, justifiably and terrifyingly favourites going into the game. And during the game? Did we

Hip hip hip hooray

2011-10-01T12:18:00.005+01:00

It's October, the sun is cracking the flags and we're odds-on favourites to win the North London derby. Someone is fucking with me.If you were to pick a best 11 from the two teams' current squads, the majority would be from Spurs. I get that, I really do.In the last three years we've drawn two and won one. I know that, of course I do.And we should have done the double over them last year. I

Bucket of blood

2011-09-30T07:58:00.001+01:00

I watched Carrie last night.This isn't the start of some sort of 'horror show' metaphor. I actually watched Carrie.When it finished, I turned straight to Channel 5 to see Jermain Defoe celebrating a goal with rather too much gusto. Surely, over an hour in, we should be looking apologetic after scoring, not relieved?The commentary soon explained. And then I had to explain - to my bemused family.It