Living with Agoraphobia

Trying my best

2012-01-25T19:50:00.000Z

Its going to be a GREAT year

2012-01-18T21:11:00.007Z

Oh dear dear my blogging etiquette has gone to pot!

I haven't even wished you guys a Happy New Year. Well, even though its 17 days late i am wishing it now. To each and every one of you. May it be a fantastic, inspiring, beautiful, love filled & exciting year.

Lets skip the depressive gloomy rubbish and think of the good things in life. If we get out of our houses and get out and embrace the world we can have a magic time. Beautiful colourful trees to be seen blowing in the breeze. The sounds of children laughing as they play. The sight to a cute little puppy out on its first walk. The 17 year old nervous girl out on her first driving lesson. A mummy and her little baby out learning to walk and the look on the child's face as it looks with amazement at his surroundings and all the new interesting things he is seeing (that's Nathan and i at the moment). If your lucky enough to live near water go out and listen to the waves, such a peaceful sound. The birds flying high singing beautifully. A young couple walking hand in hand or kissing in the street (gross lol) not caring who sees them because its the first time they have been in love and they are just buzzing.

Does it sound nice? Well i know that's the things i see when i leave my home. And instead of plodding along thinking of and noticing nothing at all, i try to see these things and appreciate them all. And they are right there within a 5 minute walk. So if i can see all these things just 5 minutes from my home then imagine just how much i can see if i go further.

This is my year to get out there and embrace the world we live in. We hear so much negativity all the time and we can forget just how beautiful our world really is. I think the more you start to look for the good out there, the more we see it. The less we notice the bad points. Believe me i live in such a crappy area (in fact it had just been given the title of the worst town in the UK) but even surrounded by all its flaws, i still see the good. And i am grateful for that. Do you do the same?

I guess its about being grateful for what we have isn't it. Imagine we lost our sight. The things that we took for granted before would seem so much more special than we ever realised. Why does it need to take losing something, before we can appreciate it?

I want to enjoy every minute. I want to live this year. Not just exist. I want to fill myself up with more happiness and more positivity than i have before. Not a bad resolution is it?

I'm going to love myself. And enjoy my little quirks. I'm not going to beat myself up and feel so much guilt for not being perfect. Who is?

I still get loads of emails from people and a lot of people will ask me the question 'Do you do this too?' When they describe some behaviour they might have, it bothers them, worries them, or makes them feel ashamed'. Well i can say yes. Any weird thought you have had, Ive probably had it too. Even that thought you think it completely mental, and if you told it to anyone they would be calling for the men in the white coats to take you away. Your not alone.

Examples

The girl who struggles washing her hair because shes panics when she starts to shampoo it
People who wont dye their hair as it makes them anxious
People who wont get a tattoo because they wont be able to rub it off once its done
Imagining bad scenarios. Car crashes, being attacked
Feeling nervous when someone moves furniture
The fear that this is all a dream
Small irrational things sending you into panic. Things that shouldnt matter (Marie breaking your bin and panicking cause it was broken and could not be fixed).

Ok not the finest examples (certainly not extreme ones) but all things i have heard of, and what im trying to show is that we all have these thoughts. But we are special, because we TALK about it. I imagine everyone in life has these kind of thoughts playing out in their head, but we are more sensative souls so we are more aware of them. Sometimes it can be hard not to be bothered by them. And we wish they would all go away and we could just be NORMAL!! But i embrace my mental quirky side. It just makes me more interesting lol. It just makes me more convinced that 'agoraphobic' isnt the best label. I think we are all just sensative and anxious. And it affects us all in different ways. Unfortunately it leaves some of us scared to travel, or leave home, or walk through wide open spaces. But in the first 3 examples its all about fear of losing control, so theres more going on with us than just whats outsides of our homes. We all have other issues. And sooooo.... as well as embracing life, pushing the boundaries etc this year, i will be facing the control issue.

A small example... i like to have a little suntan going on. But its winter and its Scotland so that aint happening. So yesterday i reached for the bottle of fake tan and i felt a little wobble. I felt i didnt want to put it on because if i didnt like it, im stuck with it and i cant scrub it off. And so i might panic. So the control issue. I dunno why i felt that way. But i could have just avoided doing it, but for god sake why should i? Ive avoided enough and so i slapped it on not caring if i ended up like an oompa loompa. If i panicked then id work through it but lets face it, would i panic... probably not! (im aware that this is another very weak example but im trying to focus on the little issues we can face that wouldnt automatically be associated with agoraphobia). All this avoidance left me a nervous little wreck in the past and so although this might be minor, its all these little battles that make us a little bit stronger each time confronted.

And so a late happy new year and all the best. Lots of love and positive energy to all of you. Why dont we make a plan for the year ahead? Hmmm I could possibly write some ideas in my next post. And I really need to sort out links for available downloads soon. Oh and also this year no more procrastinating haha.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

2011-12-23T21:49:00.006Z

I'm on to wish you all a Merry and Fabulous Christmas as i don't think ill have a chance to get on before then.

I hope you are all in good spirits, looking forward to the get togethers, dinner and gifts. I truly hope you are all calm and can relax over the holidays and just enjoy this time. No fretting or anxiety. If some of you are stressing about journeys you need to make or things you need to attend, then i send you my most positive thoughts and remind you that you can do it.

As for me, well I've been working really hard on pushing my boundaries and while there have been some failures, there have also been many successes. To be fair theres only been on failure but I'm not dwelling on it too much. Briefly i will explain.

An early Christmas dinner was booked for 7 of us at a restaurant. It was brought to my attention more than once that it had been booked at a location JUST for me, so that I could be there. Whenever people discussed the plans i assured them I would be there. I didn't once allow myself to think it wasn't going to happen. I listened to relaxation Cd's, i worked on my breathing, i visualised the journey over and over again. And when thinking about going i felt ok, whereas in the past id have been nervous for days before it. And so i was gutted when i got in the car to drive to the restaurant and felt the old familiar anxiety kicking in with a little bit of nausea chucked in too. Circumstances on the day weren't ideal and so i backed out. I realised i wasn't doing this meal for me. I was doing it for everyone else. I wanted to be excited about it, and look forward to it, but it didn't happen. I was scared to say no to it, scared of the total disappointment and guilt id feel when i went home having failed. But i was fine. It just wasn't the right time and I know i will eventually be back in the situation where i WILL do it.

And although i did look at this as a down point, there are a lot of things that are now achievable again that weren't for a while. I'm walking much further, I'm driving further. I'm making appointments and sticking to them. I'm going to the supermarket on my own. Making plans with friends. And these things have been done with little or no anxiety at all. This is down to practice, not avoiding AND my little helper Rashelle.

Another achievement which might not seem much, was Nathans 1st birthday. I THOUGHT it would be less hassle to have it at home. I THOUGHT it would be a quiet affair with close family and so i THOUGHT it made more sense than to book some venue when he wouldn't have a clue what was going on. In the end Nathans party had over 20 guests (which doesn't sound much but looks VERY busy in my small living room). It took me 3 days of organising the house. Decorating the place with balloons and banners, shopping and providing a huge buffet, not to mention pres ants and of course the cake. And while this might usually be easy, it was rather stressful doing it with no help and Nathan constantly by my side demanding my attention. I never realised that by throwing the party it meant i never really got to enjoy it. I never stopped! Giving drinks, food, more coffee, cake etc etc. I had to make sure my guests were happy, which they were, but the whole things a bit of a blur to me. In the end though everyone had an amazing time and felt extremely proud of myself. I did all that all on my own. This a girl who used to be cowering in a bedroom in her parents house, scared to be left on her own for 5 minutes for fear of a total panic attack breakdown.

Following the party i then took Nathan to watch my nephew in his school Christmas concert. Sitting in a huge hall surrounded by hundreds of people i was proud to be there with my son. To do something 'christmassy' together. It got me in good spirits and it was more evidence of my improvements because a few weeks ago I'm not sure if i would have faced that, but I'm doing my best not to avoid things so much (minus the restaurant).

So as the party ended my focus moved to the next event. Christmas. Well it can be pretty easy for an agoraphobic to do Christmas shopping, as practically every shop has a website now. So that's never really posed a problem anyway. Yeh of course i do miss walking around the city centre, seeing the Christmas lights and hearing the Christmas songs playing from shop to shop. But hey who needs to stomp around in the freezing cold, wait in queues and fight with people over the last 'must have toy' on the shelf? That was always my excuse when i got invited shopping and to be honest i think id still do most of it online even if i could get out there. But anyway, with gifts easily ordered i decided to step up and offer my mother a break this year. Every year since, well every year since i can remember, my mum has cooked Christmas dinner. she never gets to sit and enjoy a meal cooked for her, shes harassed and tired and i figured she deserved to properly enjoy it for once. So Christmas dinner is at my house this year. I'm only cooking for 5 but considering Ive never cooked a Turkey this could be an interesting challenge. And again cooking it with Nathan wrapped around my legs should be fun too. But hey these are the joys of motherhood and i love it.

I very vividly remember a Christmas where i was an anxious wreck. Taking panic attacks throughout the day i couldn't even have my meal. Instead i was sat on the sofa beside the dining table, watching everyone else. Theres video footage of that Christmas and I'm sitting biting my nails with huge frightened eyes. Its so sad to see and i remember it clearly, but i feel i can say i KNOW that will never happen again. I think that was my first year of panic attacks actually so it was all so new and scary, now i feel like a veteran.

I'm all organised now. Ive got in all the food, the table is ready to be set. Nathans gifts are all wrapped and ready to be laid out. All i need to do now is cook. But i hope it goes well and i can give my mum an amazing day, and i hope my OCD with the cleaning can take a back seat for a while because already I'm dreading the dishes this meal is going to create (i MUST chill out!!!)

Well i suppose i should get off and head to bed. Its Christmas eve tomorrow and i am going to offer my gift wrapping services to my mum, who unlike me hasn't wrapped a thing. I really wish you all the best and if ANYONE is having the anxious not so good Christmas then please feel free to get in touch. x x x

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY

2011-12-15T21:19:00.004Z

To my beautiful, bright and amazing little boy Nathan.

Cannot believe its been a year but we managed to get through it in one piece. I look forward to many, many more. I am extremely lucky

I Love you Nathan x x x

Stay Positive

2011-11-30T23:28:00.004Z

Hello bloggers!

It is a new, far more positive Lynn writing to you this evening. Finally!

I wonder how many of you can identify with this scenario? Sitting in your home. Looking out of the window. Your feeling down. A bit depressed. Frustrated. Your mind is running 100mph questioning everything. 'How did i let this happen', 'Where do i even begin to fight back', 'Is this my life now...forever'? You start to sweat, you feel anxious. You worry your going to panic and you look out of the window again. 'If i could just get out there, even if i just went a walk'. But then the little demon on your head says 'Noo don't do that, you'll only feel like crap. It wont be pleasant. Much better to just stay indoors'.

That could easily describe a typical day when i was at my worst, but really its just the tip of the iceberg. When you allow yourself to be shut in that little world, your mind really does take over. And as much as the brain is a wonderful and amazing thing, it can also be a right old pain in the bum when left to its own devices.

When i was housebound i felt that i could always find ways to fill my time and that i rarely got bored. Due to this constant state of comfort I probably didn't have much reason to fight back and want more from life. Yeh i knew there was a big wide world out there and people were always commenting on what i was missing, but i guess it didn't really bother me. And then i got a little taste of freedom and how different life can be when your living outside of that box. Your days are filled with far more interesting and exciting things. Your mind is occupied with healthier thoughts and more positive experiences. Instead of sitting looking out of a window at the world and constantly fretting over things i SHOULD be doing. I was doing them, and so the anxiety left me and was replaced by a buzz and new lust for life.

Well sometimes life just gets in the way doesn't it (we had a death in the family, my car has broken down and been off the road for weeks). And our plans don't always go as we wanted them to, so for various reasons i found myself back in a darker place for a while.

Don't get me wrong, i didn't go back to being pretty much a recluse. Scared of my own shadow and constantly living off my nerves. But for a few weeks i did struggle. Believe me i can see now that 'cabin fever' does exist. When you are shut indoors looking at the same walls day in and day out, it has an affect! For me i became obsessed with my house being tidy. I wasn't kidding when i said before i felt i had OCD. My house would need to be immaculate and the slightest bit of dust or item out of place would need put right immediately. I think i have identified that this is just about control. I can control whats going on in my home. And since there were areas i felt i had lost control completely, i went a bit OTT with the things i could manage. So the house was forever perfect, however i did realise that if i was out there living a fuller life, the speck of dust on the living room table would seem far less important.

Guilt. I shovel it onto my shoulders and it weighs me down every day. Guilt that my son should be out doing more things but because of me he is held back. Guilt that hes watched too much TV that day. Guilt that he hasn't interacted with another child his age. Guilt that if i could get to a decent supermarket he could be eating a bigger variety of food. The list goes on, and that's only the list regarding Nathan. Don't get me started on the other members of my family or my friends.

My friends have their own lives to lead. Their own families and jobs and children to care for. I noticed i was getting a bit p****d off when they hadn't phoned in a while. Or if they didn't reply to a text quick enough. I would sit about, looking out the window, fretting, jumping up to wipe some more dust, and then resent my friends for not being there to keep me company. Don't they know that my son would really like to play with their kids? Luckily i got a grip of myself and remembered... i am not their responsibility. They are living their lives just as they should. They are good to me and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. But sitting about thinking, and thinking, and thinking, well u just drive yourself crazy.

So whats the answer? If your anxious and wishing you could go out. And feeling nervous wondering how to fight back. If your wondering if your going to be like this forever, cause it seems so impossible and its never going to change...

Go out.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising, because believe me i know how hard it is. But i also know from so much experience, that the thought is ALWAYS worse than the actual act itself. Little baby steps, no matter how minor they may seem, need to be celebrated and noticed. Its about taking control of your life again.

Its literally only been about 2 weeks since i got back into the swing of things. Through my focus, my therapy and my determination I am back out there. You know i do go out everyday and would never spend a full day in doors, but it was becoming more of a chore for a while. Now though i go out for a walk, or a trip to the supermarket and i come home buzzing. What i do may be small, but it feels good to know that i done it, and i took my life back even for 5 minutes instead of sitting about the house obsessing.

More than once in the past week have i walked further than usual and caught myself saying 'i feel totally fine here'. Its a great feeling. At home I'm not sitting around obsessing. I'm not focused on the negative thoughts and piling on the guilt. Nathan is happy and not at all bored and fed up... it was me who was bored and fed up. I'm not fixated on my friends not calling as much, in fact Ive hardly even looked at my phone. I'm generally just feeling more positive and much brighter. Things were starting to feel a bit hopeless and impossible for a while, but why do they need to be? They don't. I can get out there and do whatever i want. I have the power within me and so do you. It might take a little bit of practise but its completely possible.

Still doing my therapy on a Thursday i am discovering more and more about myself. And although its things Ive always known, I'm starting to pay more attention. For example, i do everything fast. I whizz around the house like I'm on drugs when I'm doing my housework. When i cook the dinner i have the dishes done as I go. When I'm playing with Nathan, I'm already thinking about when ill be tidying toys away. Its a fast paced, tiring way to live, and no wonder I'm always so tired!

When i go on my walks i will try to push my boundaries. Even if i go a street further at a time. But what i would do is, id walk along where i was comfortable, and when getting to a new stretch of road i would run out and then back again to where i was comfortable. To me i was still making the achievement because i had reached the place i wanted to be, but there was no enjoyment in it. And so last Thursday on my therapy we walked slowly to the point where i started to feel uneasy. And we just stood. We talked and we tried a few techniques to reduce my anxiety. I did feel quite uncomfortable at some points. We were standing on a long straight road and so when i turned around i could see how far I had walked, but more importantly i could also see how far i would need to walk before i was back home. This is the part i don't normally like. And so my head started 'what if i cant make it back', 'what if i get dizzy'. 'what if my legs turn to jelly and i cant walk'. But i stood there and tried to hush those voices, and I'm learning that the more i practice this, the easier it is to silence those thoughts. When i asked myself those scary questions i simply answered with 'None of that is going to happen, but so what if it does, I'm gonna be ok'. And instead of rushing home and whizzing about as i would usually i slowly walked home and felt fine. But this is down to practise!

I know it sounds a bit too simple and its easier said than done but whoever came up with the phrase 'practise makes perfect' was speaking sense. The only way we are going to get results is by doing these things over and over and giving our positive thoughts some power. They don't really get a chance to be heard if we are just sitting about worrying and not actually putting anything into practice.

My therapist also made a really interesting point about how anxious people are generally always living in the future. We are worrying about whats coming. 'what if i panic', 'what if i don't feel good. 'what about that party i need to go to', 'I'm gonna have to go out', 'how am i going to pay that bill'. We are always worrying about whats to come instead of living in the now. And so this is what we are working on at the moment. Getting me to 'live in the now'. We done a few exercises that stopped my mind racing and brought my head into the now. And when she asked me how i was feeling i can honestly say i felt fine. I felt calm and at peace with myself and it was a lovely feeling. I'm going to be learning more about this, and mindfulness and i will share anything that i think will be of interested to you, or anything i think might help. But judging by how much my mood has lifted and how much better i am feeling about myself then I'm sure there will be plenty more upbeat posts to come. I really was going back down that old anxious, crappy road. Filled with self doubt and hopelessness. Frustration with myself. And even though in the past i felt i was literally rid of agoraphobia completely, i suddenly lost the belief that could be possible again. But i was wrong. Its completely possible and this time it can stick... so hang on in there people. Its NEVER has bad as you think it is.

Digging Deeper

2011-11-11T17:56:00.011Z

Well hello everyone. How are you all getting on? I realised I better get in touch to update you on my change of meds and anything else that's been happening. So where to start....

The meds. A letter of referral has been sent to my doctor to advise my medication is reviewed and surprise surprise i have heard nothing so far. Of course I am fine with this and just play things by ear. When they are ready to make the changes, i will do as i am told. Someone commented on my last post saying that I shouldn't do it 'cold turkey'. I totally agree and that's not something i would ever consider. i think when you've been dealing with mental health issues for a long time you realise how to handle somethings, but if there are people out there who have been put on a medication and suddenly start to feel normal again, my advice is simple. Do not just stop your medication. You probably feel better BECAUSE of your medication and to stop them suddenly could lead to withdrawals, and withdrawals can be quite uncomfortable. With any medication do what your doctor recommends because at the end of the day, they know more about this stuff than we do.

Anyway in the mean time Ive been feeling much better and much more positive than in previous posts. We have reached the time of year i least enjoy but its not bothering me too much. Nathan and i are doing great and enjoying our little home and our routine. We had his first Halloween, which involved the blissfully unaware Nathan dress as a skeleton and we had his first bonfire night. He saw a few fireworks but to be honest he was more interested in playing with some random object at the time, he really does go into a little world of his own. He is so big now and looks much older than his 11 months. 11 months! But surely it was only last week we got home from the hospital!!. It will be his 1st birthday on the 14th of December and i am holding a party for all the family at home. I would have booked one for elsewhere but i feel that since he is only 1, home is fine. He can be lord of the manor and play with his new presents while us adults eat cake and take pictures. I'm sure he will enjoy being the centre of attention. I am not trying to be a martyr here but may i just point out that Nathan turning one also signifies over a year since i had a full nights sleep. What is a lie in? I haven't had one since.... well i cant remember. Nathan has never spent a night away from me and so every morning i awake to the sound of him ready to cause havoc...and cause havoc he does. I think i must have also changed approx 700 nappies. The joys eh. But that's motherhood for you and i love every minute and when he hits that 1 year mark i will be so proud of both of us. Him for being my special favourite person in the world, so clever, so beautiful and always entertaining. And me for my first year of being a mum.

Ive gone on before about my opinion on agoraphobia recovery and how i think its very much down to the individual. I found that therapy's i had tried for example EFT, TFT, EMDR, CBT, and lots of other abbreviated things didn't help me as much as i hoped. I found that when i took the bull by the horns myself, that's when i made the best progress. Maybe it was just the right time, but whatever i did back then opened up a whole new world of possibility to me. From being housebound and pretty much not doing anything for 5 years i was suddenly out having a life again. Doing all the things i never imagined possible. I acquired a new lust for life and an inner buzz that made me want to do more and more and more. I did get to the stage where i questioned... so am i cured now? I knew i was going in the right direction. My life was fuller, my anxiety pretty much non existent, but i still had limits on where i could travel to.

But life ain't easy. Oh no just when i thought i had it sorted i was met with setbacks. I swore to myself that if a day came that i didn't feel like going into a certain shop or felt any sense of panic, i would not avoid it. I was strong now and i would fight and fight until id chased those fears away again. But suddenly i was pregnant. I was tired. Exhausted. I didn't feel fear when thinking of doing things, and so i didn't do them as much. Thinking it was ok to do this as i wasn't avoiding things for agoraphobic reasons. But obviously the less i done them, the harder they were to do again. I realised to my own surprise that I had gone backwards. And to realise this when you have a new born baby isn't really ideal. So the guilt kicked in. This gorgeous little bundle of mine deserves the world, and here i am uncomfortable to take him to a park. Ive told you these things before and for sure my world has got smaller and smaller again. Then came the relationship issues. So to cut a long story short this year has been a hard one. I very hard one. My focus has gone from more important issues and Ive relapsed back into that frightened unsure nervous person again.

And so it was perfect timing when i was told about a girl who works with people with phobias. I had already got through the toughest part of the year and with a new determination to focus on my agoraphobia i figured it would be a good time to find out more. I was told that this girl has fantastic success rates, has helped countless people with phobia and/or anxiety. Takes great enjoyment from her job and doesn't do this for financial gain. She does it because shes a good person who enjoys using her skills to help people better their lives.

Well Ive met so many therapists and tried so many things that i guess Ive been a bit sceptical in the past. Ive often met with people with the thought 'wow they might cure me' but quickly became aware that NO ONE is going to cure us. The only person who can do that is US but there is nothing wrong with getting a bit of advice and a helping hand on the way.

And so i met with the 'life coach' last Thursday. I expected someone arriving armed with a pie chart cut into sections... Relationships, finances, hobbies, etc and to to help me find fulfilment in the areas causing me problems. But it was nothing like that. I immediately liked her and can see why she has such a success rate. She is a warm, caring beautiful person who immediately puts you at ease. Instead of me feeling my achievements were nothing special, she made me feel proud of myself and gave me a much needed boost. We done some NLP exercises and i genuinely could feel some of my anxiety reduce. Thinking about driving distances would initially make me feel tense, but after some work on these issues i realised the tension and nervous tummy were settling down. The session lasted 2 hours and was all based on my anxiety, my past panic attacks, memories of fear etc. Talking about where all my 'issues' have come from really did help me see things a bit clearer and make a lot of connections where i hadn't noticed them before. She explained to me that the work we did would be making changes in my head, or my sub conscious if you like. And so i was to let it all happen naturally and just see how i felt. Well in the days that followed I felt very tired and on one day all i did was cry. I don't cry unless I'm reeeeeally upset, it takes a lot to make me cry. But as i shed the tears i felt i was having a great release. A release i really needed.

In the following week i knew i had to try a few things to see if changes had been made. But i knew, as did the therapist, that i wasn't gonna be 'cured' in one session. Not when Ive had my problems for 10 years now. But i went out and tried a few things and although i could see things clearer i was still hitting a bit of a wall. For the first time in ages i found myself questioning how on earth i ended up with this. Why do i have the behaviours that i do. Did i get this because i am just a worrier. or could it be that my life experiences have caused me to behave in certain ways and make certain decisions? Am i gaining some sort of benefit from being agoraphobic. I have 2 inner dialogues. One which wants a life and to get out there and do so many things. And i have another who tells me 'oh don't do that you might panic'. It took me a while to realise that both of these sides to me want the same thing. To be happy and to be at peace. They really need to get together and have a chat. They might like each other and stop arguing.

And so my next session came and i expected the same kind of work but this time it was quite different. It turned out she had read my blog and learnt a lot more about me in the week that had past, and in learning new things we started to dig a little deeper. People have often said that the way to deal with your problems is identifying where they come from, working through these problems, past experiences etc with someone i.e a therapist, and in doing this you will release them. Well again i doubted this and figured there was no point in rooting around in the past because it is what it is. Whats the point in wasting time talking when i need to be doing something more practical, i.e going out! But as we chatted i made connection after connection and realised so many parts of my past and my thoughts could be having an effect on my present. Who'd have known i have major confidence issues. Who'd have thought i don't have much self respect. That i don't see myself as very valuable. That when treated like a doormat or hurt id just think 'oh well maybe that's all i deserve'. Like i said Ive had sessions in the past and its not done much for me, hasn't stirred many feelings. But as we chatted i found tears rolling down my face. I felt a huge sadness and yeah OK i felt a bit sorry for myself. Ive beat myself up about so many things for so many years. Ive carried a lot of guilt. I don't take compliments well and i expect most people wont like me. Why? A cried a few times and when she left i felt that id made some kind of discovery. I think my problems as far deeper than i ever imagined. I think there are many 'issues' that Ive maybe never recognised before, but in noticing them i did feel less confused. Lighter. And after a few exercises we did i immediately felt a sense of 'i am worth something. and i don't deserve to be treated like crap'

So although the thought of a long journey still makes me uncomfortable i am finding a little candle burning inside of me again. Just a little flicker. But i can see that in working together, and working on my own too, its gonna get brighter and brighter. And in dealing with all sorts of issues its going to have a positive outcome in where my life is right now.

I will of course keep you posted on my future challenges. The girl/women/therapist/life coach has a website and no doubt will have no problem with me linking you guys to have a look but ill get her go ahead first. I am nervous. But i am excited about the doors opening for me here.

Duh Duh Duuuuuuh

2011-09-28T20:41:00.004+01:00

Uh oh the dreaded day has come! The day the doctor decides to change my medication.

Probably seems like nothing at all to most people. For years Ive heard of other people doing it with no worry at all. But those people weren't me. Me the neurotic, obsessive, control freak. If i am late even by an hour in taking my tablets, id panic. But wait.... id never be late taking the little blue pill. I am far too uptight for that. I have an alarm set to remind me everyday to take it at the SAME time. Obsessive? Yip! Ive even heard people say 'I wasn't feeling too good today, and then I realised I have forgotten to take my tablet for a few days'. Excuse me?? How can you forget such a thing. I have realised that while i thought I was quite a chilled person in some areas, I am very highly strung in others.

There is absolutely no need for it, like with many things in my life. I have never felt a pill is the cure. But for years I have happily taken mine thinking 'ah its not doing me any harm'. Never mind the fact it probably isn't doing me any good either. 10 years Ive been on this stuff. 10 years is a looong time. Ive often been asked how long i have been on my medication and when i respond my answer is met with a raised eyebrow and a suspicious look. After 10 years why haven't my doctors changed it? Why have I not wanted it changed? My answer has always been the same, 'its never been a good time'. Always an excuse with me hey. But for years i was housebound and thought maybe the medication were keeping me sane. maybe without them Id have been an emotional wreck. Ive never been prone to depression, maybe that's because of the pills? Then my recovery began. Well I best just stay on them while i focus on my recovery. I don't need to deal with withdrawal at this time, wait till im stronger. Then Something else would come along.

We did discuss coming off them when i was pregnant but i was told they wouldn't harm the baby and it really wasn't a good time to be perhaps be feeling more anxious.

So here we are. The day has come. And how do I feel about it? Well I'm scared of course. Maybe someone else would take it in their stride but i know how my mind works. I don't know what the doctor will suggest. Will they lower the dose at first, or will they tell me to miss a tablet out here and there? Either way, on the first day that medication is lowered or missed i will be a nightmare. I'm wise enough to know it might be fine, and while its happening I will need to distract myself, keep busy. But I'm big enough to admit I ain't looking forward to it. Once again its the fear of the unknown but what i do know is that I am willing to do it.

This happened because i decided to take the bull by the horns and start fighting back again. I met with a nurse yesterday and discussed my latest situation. How ive maybe stepped back since Nathan was born. And so her first concern was my medication and contacting my doctor. Oh Lynn Lynn Lynn you did ask for it really. On a positive note i do want this. Ive heard a few people over the last year who have been put on a medication that really HAS had a positive affect on them. They are feeling happier, more positive and are out doing more than ever. Now i am not suggesting a pill is the cure, because I have ALWAYS felt its about us putting the work in. But when Ive been speaking to these people I couldn't help but wonder if it was something i should think about. Something to give me a little kick up the bum maybe. So now it looks like its happening anyway. I will no doubt keep you informed of any changes and lets keep everything crossed that its a success. At the end of the day, even if its a horrible experience, ill get by. Always do. I was bad enough trying to get ON these tablets and if i can handle that then i can deal with some heightened anxiety as i go through these changes. My medication is 30mg Seroxat a day. For my American readers I think its the equivalent of Paxil. In the 10 years since I was first prescribed this, medicine has changed and there are far more preferred drugs for people with anxiety/agoraphobia. Id go as far to say that my doctor probably wouldn't prescribe my pills to anyone these days.

I received an email the other day which some of you may be interested in. Admittedly I haven't checked the website out yet but the women was telling me some of the readers might find it helpful. It seems to be only American but its called Healthtap. They sound quite interesting and you can check out the website or the mobile app. Certified in 82 states they put '5000 Doctors at your fingertips' and according to my email, its free! So maybe take a look and see what its all about.

Back to the drawing board...Again

2011-09-16T00:11:00.005+01:00

Well hello everyone. Another overdue post, it seems i am turning into Miss Procrastination these days. Not good!!

I like to keep my blogging positive but there is some depressing crap i should get out the way first.

Its that time of the year that I like least! The change of seasons from summer to Autumn. or in Scotland's case.. from slightly warm and sunny to dull, freezing and gloomy. We have had a really poor year weather wise and it feels winter is definitely upon us. This change affects me year in, year out, especially when the clocks change. I'm not sure when this is happening but i sense its soon.

I have always wondered if I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder) as i am pretty useless in winter. lacking motivation, a bit down etc. I am without a doubt a sun worshipper. I could spend all day laying in the sun or walking with Nathan or my nephews. And my mood will always be bright. I seem to spend all year working towards summer and the progress i will make in those months. Because in the summer I feel i can DO MORE with regards to my agoraphobia. Its completely stupid of course and totally wrong as I am pre-programming myself to be pretty rubbish in winter. But realistically who wants to go a walk in the freezing cold. Or go a drive when the roads are covered in snow and you don't feel particularly safe. However i should try to think positive!!

So as the seasons change I always ask myself, how did i do in the past few months. Did i do anything big? Did I make progress this year. And the answer this time is simple. No! Ive not done anything at all. Certainly nothing to be proud of (apart from 1 thing which i will go into later).

I am an expert at making excuses. Aren't we all? I didn't do this today... but that's because of such and such. Well my excuse this year in my lack of progress and slight relapse is that its been one tough year. Ok compared to some people it might not seen like much but i would say its been stressful and stress really does have an affect when your trying to focus on getting out in the world and pushing your boundaries. Obviously at the start of the year I had just given birth and so I took a few months to just learn to be a mum. Ok not something you can learn but something i definitely had to adapt to. My life changed completely in so many ways when Nathan came along, but even then I still kept up with my daily walks and trips out. As the months progressed my relationship was going down the drain and I had to deal with that, not knowing just how badly it would turn out. Next thing I moved house. I don't think i really appreciated just how stressful that would be. More so because i basically done it on my own, while seeing to a new born. Stress, stress, stress. Settled into the house and within a month BANG relationship disaster and total devastation. Am i being over dramatic? I think you'd need to have been there to see how bad it was, and i allowed the hurt and anxiety of that break up to go on for months. For about 4 months it was a daily event to be arguing face to face or via text with my ex or someone else involved. It was utterly exhausting and more than once i thought i was actually losing my sanity! I wished so many times that I was stronger and able to deal with things better but hey it is what it is and its all done now.

So these are my excuses. New baby, moving house and relationship in tatters. Dealing with that I the nagging guilt that I needed to be on form for Nathan. He couldn't see me sad and so I would paint a face on each day and appear to be fun happy mummy. Making sure he wasn't affected and lacked for nothing and god it was so tiring. I always have the guilt that hes not getting to do all the things he deserves and so ill go out walking with him, or visiting friends and family as much as possible.

Its had an affect on my nerves for sure. A few times I struggled with small walks. A lot of things which were once easy suddenly became a struggle again. Ive had issues with walking without the pram. Ive heard this so many times, it becomes a crutch, you get used to walking with it. And so when its gone you feel a bit, unsteady. Insecure. So Ive had to mentally get over that. I started to struggle with walking through open spaces like a square or field for example. Obviously very common in agoraphobia but not something that ever affected me. I felt i needed a smaller more closed in area where I had something to hold onto close by should i 'have a turn'. My eating problem, with not being able to swallow properly got quite bad and so i lost a ton of weight. I put this completely down to stress.

The biggest cause of my agoraphobia was always avoidance. And so when i started to get better i decided i wouldn't avoid anything anymore. It was such a buzz to say yes to things for a change instead of 'no i cant'. but as the years progressed Ive found myself using avoidance once again. Appointments have been avoided, or just ignored. And its bugged me cause I know this is dangerous territory. I know what this behaviour can lead to. Time for a good swift kick up the backside for me! Turn it into a positive here. Ive recognised what Ive been doing and I wont let it happen again. Time to smarted up and give myself a shake!

In the home nothing is avoided. I AM a domestic goddess. The house is permanently spotless, all washing done, meals cooked, Nathans bottles prepared. Hoovering, dusting all done. To the point I have wondered if I have OCD!!! It would make sense. Its something i have complete control over but i COULD not sit in a mess. I need my house immaculate and everything in place when i sit down at night and then i can relax. I'm afraid i must be a nightmare to live with. If i see a cushion out of place ill run and plump it up. What is it with us women and cushions??? I have way to many on both my couches and my bed but it looks so much nicer. Never mind the fact i spend most of my day fluffing them. Or taking them off the bed only to put them on again. I just counted 20 off the top of my head.

So the way the year has been i have taken my eye off the ball. Ive allowed my head space to be taken up by less important things. Should fighting agoraphobia be at the top of my list. Well yes probably but in everyday life its not always possible. And so its not been my main focus for a few months. I could deal with that if i was on my own but with little Nathan here i cant help but feel guilty. He doesn't need me to be taken steps backwards. I have been anxious a lot but Ive had no full blown panic so i need to get my fight back. My focus is returning to where it should be and I'm getting back into that 'zone'. Get out more, push myself more. Go further, get the buzz back. Its and endless struggle and sometimes you just cant be bothered can you. Its sooo tiring! But but but but its worth it when you get there!

Nathan and I go a walk everyday. Its probably only half an hour but I'm doing that old routine of taking it a street further each time. Its been relatively painless apart from the odd wobbly moment when my hearts went like the clappers and Ive felt that urgent ARRRGH feeling. But i tell myself to breathe and look into Nathans eyes and distract myself. Always wanting to be in control I'm not great at being in cars with other people driving. I like to be the driver. But now and then ill hand the reins over to someone else as a little challenge to myself. Sometimes I'm ok but a few times Ive had a little panic when the person driving has been a bit slow or on one occasion, when we has parked up and i was ready to go, they sat chatting on their mobile. No no no when you have me in your car you go go go! I held it together though and didn't scream at them even though i was screaming in my head. I feel in a way its back to the drawing board. Back to square one. But i tell myself its not square one. I made all my progress after being completely housebound. And so i know i have it in me, whereas back then i didn't think i could do a thing. Now i know that's not true. I am capable of so much more. We are ALL capable. We just need to get the belief. More so we need the confidence and i can totally see that's where Ive suffered this year. My confidence has taken a major beating and so its time to get that back.

My plan of attack is the same as before. Go out everyday, although that's never stopped, i do need to push the boundaries more. Listen to my Paul McKenna agoraphobia audios. And work with the support worker to improve and not avoid. A simple plan but Ive been here before and i know what it takes. Oh i should mention that I deleted my facebook incase anyone has been lookinf for me. It was just a break i needed after the split. There were a few people on there who were involved in the relationship split in some way or another and i just wanted to take a step back for a while. No doubt it will be reactivated in future.

On a more positive note we have Nathan. A total joy in my life. I still get excited to see him in the mornings. He has become quite the delinquent and i am usually woken by the sound of him wrecking his cot. The mobile is ripped off and he uses it to bang on the bars. Always with a big smile for me. His first word has been. It was 'HIYA' which he mostly says when looking in the mirror. Talking to himself already. Hes crawling and into EVERYTHING! He says Dada but hes always said this and I'm not convinced he knows what hes saying , its just a noise he makes haha. Hes said Tata and waved a few times and so we are working on this new talent. And his latest thing is kisses. Tonight he was in his baby walker as i made dinner and as i walked past at one point he lifted his arms and blew kisses awwww I love this stuff. And hes at that age (9 months) where he will be doing more and more.

The one thing I'm proud of is taking him to the park. It was something i wanted to do for ages and it nagged my head for a long time. I wanted to go but didn't feel confident to go alone and so finally there was a day when my mum and I were both free and we headed off. I think i was far more impressed than Nathan and also the bigger kid. I didn't care how silly i looked but I went on each swing, slide, roundabout without a care. It meant a lot that i could do that with him and i plan it to be a regular thing, as long as the weather is decent. Hes got a good little life and that's something i am grateful for. A family who adore him. A steady home routine with mum. Our walks and stories and play. And for the trips further afield, he has regular days out with his grandparents and his day swimming with daddy. So we are coping ok for now and as time goes on i KNOW ill be doing more and more. Watch this space!!!

A Career in Agoraphobia?

2011-08-09T18:41:00.005+01:00

I read Nathan a bedtime story every night and so as i settled down tonight with a new book I couldn't help but laugh when I discovered the story. Not what I expected really.

'Scaredy Squirrel' by Melanie Watt. The first page describes how the little squirrel is too scared to leave his tree. He much prefers life at home, surrounded by the things he enjoys. And although his daily routine is always the same - Wake up, eat a nut, admire the view, eat a nut, admire the view, eat a nut, go to sleep - he is perfectly happy because the world beyond scares him. But even while he never leaves his tree, he has a little emergency kit... just in case. How many of us have one of these kits? A brown paper bag, medication, or mine, an ipod, wet wipes, puzzles....

One day a bee scares the squirrel and it knocks him out of his tree. He is terrified at first but after spending an hour or so in a bush playing dead, he realises that nothing bad is going to happen and so he starts to venture out more. I thought it was a very accurate description of an agoraphobic/anxiety suffers life and so i shouldn't have been surprised to discover that the author never leaves her apartment. In the authors note, it tells that she prefers to stay at home and write children's books. And judging from the amount of them on Amazon, Melanie is doing pretty well.

Are there agoraphobics out there who don't miss the outside world. Quite like the way their lives are, and just get on with it. Looks like there are, in fact I'm sure i was one of them for a while.

Which reminded me of another artist who recently contacted me via email about his talent. Charles Bryant is an American singer/songwriter and long time agoraphobia sufferer. After years of trying to get finance to make an album (and being refused) he has finally released his first CD. Visit his website www.charlesbryantmusic.com and check it out for yourself. Having listened myself i found a beautiful soulful voice and as a lover of acoustic guitar, i did enjoy the 'Agoraphobic Waltz'.

Charles wants to reach out to others and has even started his own outreach program ADAO (Agoraphobic And Disabled Artists Outreach), details of this are also on his website (or will be soon).

It saddened me to hear that this very talented man has difficulty performing in public and it makes me think things like 'what a waste', and 'its such a shame', things that have been said about myself over the years. But hopefully this talent wont go unnoticed if we all have a listen, enjoy and spread the word.

Checking In

2011-06-26T18:38:00.009+01:00

This is just a quick note to say my next post is on its way. I was going to write it tonight but i dont have it in me. Im ok, its just been one HELL of a month!!

I thought previous months had been stressful but uh uh... this one wins the prize.

I thought my relationship with Nathans dad had broken down, uh uh its gotten waaaaay worse.

I thought my agoraphobia was only slight.... well you get the picture.

Needless to say a HUGE update is due but the outcome will hopefuly be a happy one. Im seeing the light at the end of a never ending tunnel but, wow its been my hardest journey yet.

In the meantime this song has been helping me through. Again ive related it to agoraphobia in a way but really just everything thats going on in my life right now. The guy sings a lot of lyrics really quickly but hopefully you will get the idea. Click here to watch

New Beginnings

2011-05-19T21:49:00.004+01:00

It feels like forever since I last wrote and have lots to tell. I haven't had Internet access for a few weeks and its been driving me crazy.

So more changes. I was talking to my mum one day about my living arrangements and how I love my flat but it is just too small. It only has one bedroom and since Nathans cot is in there, i slept on the couch so I didnt disturb him. It was taking its toll though as I wasnt getting great sleeps and my back was taking a beating. So after discussing it with my mum I went home and had a look online at what properties were on the market.

I noticed an advert for a house but it was showing no pictures. Luckily I recognised the address and knew exactly what house it was. I hoped that maybe since there were no pictures, there would have been little interest and I might just have a chance at getting it. The type of property it is, had there been pictures, would have been gone immediately. And so i rang up on the Tuesday and arranged a viewing on the Wednesday morning. On Wednesday night the property was taken off the market and was mine. Moving date, two weeks time.

Well I was delighted. This house has not one bedroom, not two bedrooms... but three! It would feel like a mansion to me. Not only that but it also has back and front gardens. It solved all my problems. Nathan would finally have his own room where I could actually put his toys. In the flat there was simply no room to have his toys out on show. A garden where on a sunny day he can play or just lie and sleep in his pram. That wasnt possible in the flat. My own bedroom again. No more sleeping on the couch for me. I could go to bed and watch tv or read a book without worrying that I might wake Nathan. It is 2 minutes walk from my mums so instead of loading the car with bags and a car seat when i only want to pop in for a cuppa i can just walk down with the pram. Oh its all so exciting!

Yeh then reality hit. I have taken on a huge property within 24 hours. Have I really thought about this? Can I afford this? I got nervous and tried to just put it to the back of my mind but soon it was the day to sign the lease and collect the keys. What made matters worse was that when i took my dad and other 'workmen' to see the house they were telling me just how much work it needed.

Ok the house was recently refurbished as it had previously been a total disaster. It was now freshly painted with a brand new fitted kitchen and bathroom. Newly laid wooden floors etc. But when you took a walk round you seen just how shoddy the work was. I have no idea who done the work on this house but lets just say, doors hanging upside down and my letter box being on back to front were just the tip of a very wobbly iceberg!! Ah but i had signed for it now. Someone even said to me 'would you like me to talk to my lawyer to see if we can get you out of this contract cause that house is a disaster'. Well if i wasnt anxious before, I was now.

I had to hand in my notice on the flat asap as obviously I couldnt afford to keep 2 houses. And so basically I had 2 weeks to move. Each night, exhausted after a day with Nathan, I would pack a few boxes. I would load them into the car all set for taking the stuff to the new house in the morning. Slowly i moved more and more stuff and my flat was becoming more and more bare. I didnt like this feeling. The flat was absolutely my safe place and I really started to question If i was going to be able to make the move. When i moved out of my mums house last year it had been hard but I was able to calm myself by saying 'Well if its too hard or i dont settle, i will just move back to my mums' (im sure my mum would have had other ideas but it kept me sane). I settled into the flat ok, probably knowing my mums was always an option. But quickly the flat became my home and where i wanted to be. Leaving the flat I would have to hand over the keys So on the day of the move there would be no going back. I couldnt use that as my safety net. I had to make the leap and pray that I would settle into the new place, otherwise who knows what i would do.

So I got the keys and i moved my things bit by bit getting more and more nervous. I then began the mammoth task of cleaning and decorating our new home. Why did I think it would be easy? What made me think it didnt need much done? I was unbelievably stressed. My mum would watch Nathan as much as she could but when she couldnt i would be standing with a paint brush in one hand and rocking Nathans pram with the other. It was exhausting and to be honest I wasnt getting anywhere fast. I try so hard to be independent and do everything for myself, which is no doubt because when i was housebound i relied on other people 100% and i swore i wouldn't go back to that. But after almost having a nervous breakdown one night I asked my family for help. Thankfully my brother was at hand and we wallpapered and painted for days. Now we were getting somewhere. Yes the house was coming on but at the back of my mind it still didnt feel remotely like my home and I couldnt imagine myself living there.

Do you ever get a sense of urgency when your anxious? When you just want to get home and get there fast! Well i would work in the house from 8am but when it came to about 4pm my mind would say 'enough is enough'. I would be filled with the sense of urgency that it was now time to leave and i wanted back to the flat. This worried me. How was I going to feel when i had to move in and i as sitting in the house and the clock hit 4, 5, 6pm and i couldnt be running off to the flat. More nerves.

So i was reaching my limit on how much else i could cope with and then it just got worse. My car tax was due and with no money spare to pay it I had to put my car off the road. But for some deluded and irresponsible reason I decided to drive it one day. Oh it will be ok i told myself, its not far and I have far too much to do!!! What an idiot. Round at the new house on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor, my brother arrived. 'Well what you going to do now' He said. I had no idea what he was talking about but when I looked out the window i seen it. My car was clamped and had a lovely big sticker on the window saying UNTAXED VEHICLE. Oh i was so embarrassed. What would my new neighbours be thinking. At this stage I had no money in the bank due to all the decorating materials I needed to buy but I knew this was going to cost me. Basically to get the clamp removed I had to show them a valid tax disc. If i had the tax disc i could get the clamp removed for £100. If i didnt have a tax disc it was £260! A no brainer really. Time to get a tax disc. In a way I was glad cause it gave me a kick up the bum to get it sorted but it was money i didnt have. I had to tax the car which was £92 and then I had to take the tax disc 20 miles away to prove i had one, and then get the clamp off. The house stuff was on hold. Time to deal with the car. By this stage i was fit to be tied and so i dealt with the tax disc but my poor dad had to take time off work to drive the tax disc to the office as proof. This meant me being back in my flat all anxious, with no car outside. This made me nervous because although i stopped driving it, knowing it was there was always a comfort, now it was gone. It was parked at the new house and if i wanted to drive it, it was impossible. Not good for a control freak like me. I know i know its my own stupid fault.

While this was going on I was suffering with a really sore neck. I assumed it was due to constantly sleeping on the couch but the night i was without the car it came to a head. This wasnt a sore neck or a pulled muscle from humphing boxes, this was something else. I looked in the mirror and i looked like quasimodo. I had developed a lump under my jaw which looked like a tennis ball. I also started to feel like utter crap with a temperature etc. Home alone with Nathan i got a bit worried and had to phone the emergency doctor. Being that it was nighttime there was nothing much they could do but i seen the doctor the first thing in the morning. I had a virus and an infected gland. Great! A course of antibiotics and rest was recommended. I was like a zombie by this point but this was the Wednesday and i was meant to move house on the Thursday!

I decided I would take the Wednesday off. I would take my pills and stay on the couch with a cover. I would sleep and hope that in the morning i was able to face the move. Well i woke up feeling no better but I had no choice. With my car now back and taxed I filled it to the brim. I still didnt want to leave the flat, i actually told myself that if i just left the curtains up it would be ok. If i REALLY panicked in the new place i would go back to the flat that night and sleep on the floor, Nathan would sleep in his pram. Seriously the things we tell ourselves to cope!

My friend took Nathan that morning and i started driving back and forth moving my things. I emptied the flat of everything apart from the big things like the couches and bed which would need to be moved later in a van. I worked like a dog emptying bags and finding a place for everything. That night when the van brought the last of my things the house was complete. Not just livable, but basically finished. And who would believe it but i was fine. I fed and bathed Nathan at his usual time and he was put into his cot and fast asleep at his usual time. Looking back I have no idea how i managed it. I went to my new bedroom and slept like a log but that was probably due to the virus i had and being totally exhausted.

Well that was a week ago. I went back to my flat once to collect any curtains etc that I had left and I havent looked back. I admit i hung onto the keys for 3 days more than I should have but they are gone now too and i cant get back in there. I don't want to go back though. I have my new home and as soon as I had my own things around me i was settled. There are still things that i want to do to the house but there is no rush anymore, i can take my time. Nathan has a bedroom filled with books and toys and bright colours just like he should have. I have attached a picture of him in his new ballpit which he didn't actually like but maybe he will in time ha. There has been a couple of nights where i have been a bit scared. In the flat It had buzzer entry and so you felt quite secure. Here we don't have that and one night i could hear noises downstairs. Well i was frozen stiff with fear but eventually i sucked it up and went on the look out. I have a son to protect now so no time for being a scardy cat. Yeh it was nothing and prob just the noises of the house cooling down, ill just have to get used to it.

Since then Nathan and I have both got the cold and today i was pretty much useless but hopefully its passing and we can finally enjoy our new start here. I will get pics of our little home on as soon as.

2011-04-11T20:17:00.003+01:00

Well where to start?

More anxiety I'm afraid. I have had 2 strange episodes where anxiety has hit me in new ways. I thought after 10 years I had experienced every kind of anxiety my body would ever create, but i was given fresh new symptoms.

Sometimes I a wary of what I write on here because i don't want to influence anyone. I know that when i was living a very nervous life i would find myself worrying i had problems other people had. I never did have i learned to get over that but i hope no one over thinks my new issue and creates it in their own lives. Then only reason i share it now is for those who have had it before or are having it already and can possibly relate and realise they are not alone.

Ok the first one was the strangest. It was a Sunday night and I was enjoying a yummy pizza. I was really hungry and really loving every bite when suddenly i felt a bit anxious and had a thought. 'I cant swallow this'. I ignored it and kept on eating but in my head i had a feeling i really couldn't swallow my food. I had a feeling that i might choke. Every bit i tried to swallow would result in my heart pounding rapidly. It was very bizarre but it worried me and so i got a bit flustered. I chewed my food more than ever before to make swallowing even easier. I was chewing so much it was basically mush, but yet i still had problems swallowing. A couple of times the food actually stuck in my throat and i had to cough it back up. It wasn't nice and it really really bothered me. What bothered me most was that in the end, although i was still hungry, i didn't finish my meal.

Now this was a new problem i did not need and did not want. I have enough crap to be dealing with without adding to the list. So i made sure over the next few days that i didn't avoid eating anything. A couple of times i thought about something i might want to eat and then would catch myself saying 'no that will be too hard to swallow'. As soon as i had that thought i would make sure i ate whatever it was and not cop out. I used distraction methods again and when i was eating i would read a magazine or something so i wasn't so fixated on the swallowing. I'm not even sure if this is a good description but that's how it was. Thankfully it hasn't happened again and I'm back to eating and not stressing myself out.

Honestly anxiety is crazy and bloody frustrating. I know this is due to my guilt at the moment. I have spoken in previous posts about Nathan and how I'm so determined i can be a 'normal' mum. Unfortunately even though I'm doing everything with him i am still riddled with guilt and wanting to do so much more. He isn't even caring of course. Hes happy in his wee chair sitting staring at whatever has caught his attention, or babbling or sleeping. He is blissfully unaware. And yet I'm sitting thinking 'we should be swimming, or at a safari park, or a park' I give myself such a hard time...but I'm working on it.

The next anxious episode was in bed one night. Sitting in bed on my laptop i think and i felt extremely dizzy. Even sitting there very still i just felt really out of sorts and unsteady. I NEVER ask anyone for help anymore. I don't know if it is because i want to be completely independent or because i feel that when i ask for help i am actually saying 'ok I'm not coping with this to help me' and if i admit I'm not coping i feel more anxious. Anyway, this time i sent Gerry a text and had to tell him i wasn't feeling well. I just needed to let him know in case i needed him to leave work and come and help me. I felt very sick and when i tried to stand up and walk to the kitchen i felt i literally couldn't walk in a straight line. I had to bend over while i was walking to feel i was keeping balance. I spoke to someone else who has had this and she explained it really well by saying 'its like trying to walk on a boat'. That's exactly what it felt like. It was hard to stay calm because i wasn't quite convinced it was even anxiety related but i got all my essentials round me like wet wipes, glass of water etc. Eventually i lay down and managed to fall asleep.

I should explain, since i haven't really mentioned this, but i am living alone. I am on my own with Nathan. I think most of you thought Gerry and i live together but for whatever reason, that hasn't happened. Although i see him quite a lot he has never actually stayed over night or helped with night feeds and so i know the lack of sleep will be adding to how i am feeling. Thankfully i have got Nathan into a fantastic routine. He goes to bed every night at 6.30/7.00 and happily goes to sleep without any fuss. He generally sleeps right through now till 7 in the morning although he may have a wee cry at some point he is easily settled. But it was not always like that! Yes it has been quite hard but its so rewarding and i feel really proud of myself. I am running the house single handed and it is always immaculate, Nathan is happy and content and I am very independent. I just wish i could relax and appreciate what i have a bit more. Meaning, how well i am coping. I want to be completely self sufficient. For example, last week i wired a plug and felt so happy with myself and tonight i unplumbed my washing machine and put it out to be collected (it broke) and i did that all by myself and that was no easy task. I know my body is going to feel like it was hit with a bus tomorrow cause that machine was damn heavy! I think ill plumb my new one in myself too, ill give anything a go.

Its just tough as it feels theres not enough hours in a day. Between keeping the house. Getting Nathan ready, me ready, shopping, paying bills, going walks, dinners, baths. I'm still not getting my head to focus on pushing my boundaries and it is bugging the hell out of me. I wish i could relax and give myself a bit of slack, But i think i know i am capable of travelling further and doing more outwith the house. And since I'm not doing it, its constantly in my head. And to me the solution to that problem is to just get out there and do it. But when?? Also Ive been sleep training Nathan this last week and I'm pretty exhausted because Ive been sleeping on the couch. Nathan sleeps in a cot in my bed room and he makes so many noises when hes sleeping i would never get a wink. And so Ive been on the couch to try and get a decent rest. I'm sleeping great but my backs taking a beating lol.

I feel i am rabbiting on now but hopefully i have put you in the picture. That is my life as it is at the moment. Busy busy. On top of this Ive been visiting friends as much as its only locally, spending time with my mum, had people over for dinner, and this weekend I'm going to have a party I can safely say i never spend a single day where i am on the couch doing nothing. I think its time to get my relaxation Cd's out at night and just totally chill. One thing i have realised is that i am a fighter and will NEVER lie down to any of this anxiety rubbish (touch wood) so far I'm still giving as good as I get

Toughing it Out

2011-03-21T18:20:00.004Z

Well last week was hard! Anxiety was very present and you all know how scary it can be when you've been rid of it for a while. I am, without doubt, my own worst enemy! I managed to give myself an emotional beating by thinking about problems over and over and over again.

The weather was typically poor with very dull sky's and rain and then to top that off we had a day of heavy snow.

I was stuck at home although as usual i made myself walk everyday, even just a little. I was fretting that I'm not doing enough outside, Nathans not getting out enough. Is this the agoraphobia coming back (although its never fully been gone). Is this going to get worse? No I wont let that happen i will fight it. But what if its too hard? This went on for a couple of days non stop until i was fit to be tied!

Why do we do this to ourselves. It is so frustrating because I knew the whole time I was just thinking about things too much. Fretting about things that probably wont even happen and making things seem far worse than they need to be. God its so exhausting!

Eventually the anxiety came, thanks to myself. At first i was even more anxious wondering how i would cope with the inevitable panic attack, as i have never had one alone in my new house OR while I'm with Nathan. But soon i talked myself round and decided i would ride it out and that it would actually be a good thing if it happened, as i need to learn to face it again, and tough it out on my own. So i got my panic attack essentials ready. My wet wipes, for the sweats. A magazine for distraction, a glass of water and my ipod for music distraction or some Apps i could play with. Even the app for panic attacks which is a last resort usually. Oh and always in my mind is 'I will video the attack' as this in itself would be a good distraction tactic. Of course when i finally faced it and was prepared, i was no longer in such fear of it and so the panic attack never came. I did have a few mini flutters, but that was all.

I fought back by making sure i was out even more each day, it is clearly not good for me to ever be stuck in the house too long. And i went visiting people to keep myself and Nathan entertained. Also i went a drive and pushed myself a bit further as i know without doubt I'm feeling a bit more on edge because I know i should and could be doing more than I have been. It all helped and the anxiety passed. I was able to kick back at night with the knowledge that I had fought and won, and that i had done enough that day. Enough for who? Well enough for me because it seems i like to give myself a really hard time!

The rest of the week was much more relaxed but i have definitely taken a step back recently. Its such a nightmare but all we can do is preserve isn't it. There have been a few times where i have been walking and thought 'hmm I'm not feeling too good so i will just not bother going to... wherever' but i plod on anyway because i know that's the kind of avoidance behaviour that got me into this mess in the first place. I feel less guilty about Nathan because I have such great family that they are always offering to take him places. He goes out with me everyday and each grandmother once a week so he is doing and seeing everything he should be at his age. I just look forward to doing so much more. I need to get off my own back. Hes only 3 month old for goodness sake. The distance he is travelling shouldn't even be an issue!

On Friday i got a bit of worrying news. If you have been following the blog for a while you will have read me talking about my little nephew Luke. I sing his praises all the time as we are so close and he is more like a brother to me. Luke was born with spina bifida and is wheelchair bound but really he lives such a full and normal life. He is a fantastic little guy and brings happiness to so many peoples lives. However Luke has always has very sensitive hearing and doesn't enjoy things like fireworks or loud noises. Lately the bell ringing in school has been bothering him and so his parents were going to get his hearing checked again. But on Friday it went a little further. When the bell rang he suddenly got himself worked up. He couldn't breathe and it looks like he took a panic attack. Well.... this is one thing we never want to happen to any of our loved ones. Don't get me wrong there have been times i have wanted certain people to experience JUST ONE so they can see how horrific it really is. But not the kids! Poor Luke was screaming in the playground and luckily his grandfather who had just taken him to school was nearby. When he finally got to him Luke was screaming 'Don't leave me'. It took an hour and a half for him to be calmed down. Apparently he has sweat on his top lip and was shaking for a long time afterwards. So to me it definitely sounded like a panic attack.

He was taken to the doctors and the doctor gave some good advice. Well in my opinion it was good advice. His mother was going to keep him off school for the rest of the day but the doc told her to take him straight back. Since it was Friday he may has spent the weekend dreading going back and getting himself into a tizzy. The doctor explained what the breathing problem was, he hyperventilated, and told him the trick of using the paper bag. He also explained that we shouldn't make too big a deal out of this. Act normal. Because really we don't want to scare Luke. He is a sensitive wee soul and actually very easily spooked. Thankfully he went back to school and was totally fine. I called him later and although i didn't want to make too big a deal out of him i tried to explain casually that i have had many attacks myself and that they aren't so bad once you learn to cope with them. I should mention this has happened to Luke once before and so you can see why we are worried this is the beginning of a longer problem. If it was a one off due to the bell we might not be so concerned. Anyway, he wanted to come and stay with me that night. Whether that's because he wanted to talk about dealing with panic or because i am such fabulous company i don't know ha. I asked him to explain how he felt when it happened and told him about the first time i took one and to be honest he looked at me like i had 2 heads so clearly our experiences werent very similar, but id still say it was panic nonetheless. We all know it can come in many forms.

We will all be keeping a close eye on him from now on...but just from the side where he cant see us. Lets hope it doesn't happen again. How heartbreaking to watch these little innocents deal with something so horrible and to feel completely helpless. I think that's what scared me the most was that i couldn't just make this go away for him. Because really the only person who can make panic attacks go away, is the person who is taking them. So fingers crossed for little Luke.

Thanks to Everyone

2011-03-03T15:46:00.004Z

I wanted to write a quick post thanking everyone for your comments recently.

I started this blog as a way to vent my frustrations. Having kept a diary for years, i knew that getting my thoughts out somehow made me feel a bit better.

For a while I thought about stopping the blog because I wondered if anyone was reading and I felt i was repeating a lot of the same kinds of experiences, i didn't want to bore yous. But then in the past few months the comments have pretty much blew me away. People say that they love the blog, i love to hear this. People say i'm an inspiration, which i cant believe, but which makes me feel fantastic.

Now people are writing to me about how agoraphobia stopped them from having children, but in hearing my experience they aren't so scared and are actually re-evaluating the situation. I am so touched its unreal. I cant believe that i have affected people in this way but if i give even one person a bit of hope then i am delighted.

The best thing I'm hearing now is from Cloudy - OMG I'm pregnant, you helped me get the courage to do this. Now i just have to face it.

Seriously i almost cried when i read that. Massive congratulations. If i can do it anyone can. Yeah its scary when you think of whats ahead but take it day to day. Now that my pregnancy is over i miss it so much! I know not everyone loves being pregnant and at the start i certainly didn't enjoy it. But looking back i loved stroking my bump and just the excitement that surrounds it. Enjoy it. And then what comes after those 9 months is just the best thing ever. Why should we miss out on such an amazing experience? We aren't bad people. We have just been unfortunate to suffer with anxiety. It doesn't mean we don't deserve the happiness being a parent brings. And i have said before that i think having anxiety can make you a more understanding, patient person. Good qualities to have as a parent.

As for me well im doing ok. Im probably still a bit hard on myself if Nathan doesn't get a decent day out. I make sure we go out walking every day, so much so that even if its raining cats and dogs i still make sure we are out, whereas a non sufferer might stay indoors that day.

Remember i used to need a bike to go everywhere? Well i seen myself replying on the pram a little. Being so used to walking about with it i felt a little unsteady when i went out myself. I let my mind work over time and it almost became an issue. But i refused to let it happen and as soon as someone was there to watch Nathan i went out walks alone again. Its a never ending battle isn't it pfffft. But we battle on.

So thanks again everyone. I cant really put into words what your comments mean. I do read them all and try to reply to them (which i always did) but since Nathan arrived I've not been so 'prompt'. And congrats again Cloudy. If you ever want to chat you know where I am. lynn_jackson@hotmail.com

Oh and i turned 30 in January too. :/

Telling your children you have agoraphobia

2011-02-09T23:01:00.004Z

Hey very brief update. I am laptop-less at the moment. Mine was a bit passed it and kicked the bucket a couple of weeks ago. Time to purchase a new one but not really had a chance to have a good look for one.

Life is good. I am LOVING being a mummy. Nathan is amazing and i love him more everyday. It feels like only yesterday he was born but hes already into size 3-6 months clothes. Tomorrow we are going to our first baby massage class. I'm kind of nervous about going, as i would be with anything new like this, but i will go for him.

Which reminds me, I had to take him to the doctors for his 6 week check. I got really nervous leading up to it as it was the first time i had to take him to an appointment. I over thought it and was thinking about how i HAD to do this. If i missed this then i would miss other things. I thought about asking someone else to take him but refused to give into the nerves. I felt it was really important to start as i mean to go on and be there for my son. Plus i know the guilt would have made me feel worse than the anxiety of going would. Thankfully i took him. Nathan doesn't like the cold, and when the doctor put him on the cold scales to weigh him he went mental so i am glad i was there to soothe him.

The next day I had my own post natal check up. This time my mum watched Nathan and I went alone. I was a bit anxious again. In fact i have noticed i have been a little edgy lately but i put this down to lack of sleep. Not getting a good night sleep always affects my anxiety, so much so that in the past i obsessed over it a little. If i didn't get more than 5 hours i would talk myself into a panic. I'm over that now thankfully because these days i prob only get 2 hours sleep before i am woken up. Then another 2 hours...and that's about it. This then has a knock on effect. I'm exhausted and so by the time I have fed and clothed Nathan, got myself washed and dressed, cleaned and tidied the house, well I don't have time or energy for much else. And so i haven't been getting out and about as much as i would like. Still though I have made sure Nathan has never spent a full day indoors, for his benefit AND mine. For him, the fresh air, and for me - well i cant afford to stay indoors for days at a time cause who knows what affect this would have on me. I don't ever want to end up struggling to walk the length of myself again and so I'm aware that the battle with agoraphobia is ongoing.

The weather is awful, dull, grey and very depressing so this ain't helping. I have been out walking Nathan and wanted to push myself to walk further but I haven't really had the nerve. I always found I needed to be fresh, healthy and rested to really tackle my agoraphobia so i blame the lack of sleep for the fact i haven't pushed quite as hard. Although i am lucky in a way, since i gave birth and HAD to go to hospital, i know that I have it within myself to do things i never thought i would be able to. So when i find myself over thinking going out and doing things I tell myself to chill out.

My support worker, and many other people, told me that my anxiety would prob be much less once i had the baby. They said i would be too busy to be able to think about all that stuff. Well I don't agree really. Yeh im busy, i am UNBELIEVABLY busy! I get up around 6am and between house work, making bottles and seeing to Nathan, i really don't get a spare minute. But i still have time to think. I prob worry about going out a bit more and that's for one reason..Nathan.

I want to be there for everything possible. Ok i always said i might not be able to take him on holiday abroad for a while but i want to do everything else. Visiting relatives, going to the park, his first days at nursery, school. Nativity plays etc. I do what we all have in common. I worry about these things before they have even arrived. Its ridiculous really because Ive learned over and over again that we cant predict how we will be at certain times. In fact in the last few years I have dreaded so many things but been ok when i have eventually done them.

I guess i see many difficult obstacles in the future but i wouldn't change it for the world. Ill make all of those things and I hope Nathan will never even know about the agoraphobia. That's another point actually.. I want to protect Nathan but I also don't want to lie to him. There will be times that my anxiety is going to be an issue. Gerry will no doubt want to take Nathan to visit his family in Canada. Wont he wonder why mummy doesn't join them. I want Nathan to see me as a strong person and someone he can rely on. I grew up not knowing any of my parents problems and i suppose that's how i think it should be. Children should be allowed to have a childhood and not have to know about things like mental health until they are older. Aren't your parents meant to be strong, reliable and not have any weaknesses (at least in the eyes of a child). Am i being naive to think its possible to keep this from him until he is about 11 or 12? I know people with extreme agoraphobia have no choice but to tell their children whats wrong, I think the children would be very confused otherwise. But for someone like me, i can appear pretty 'normal'.

Ok i am off to make up more bottles and then head to bed. Hope you are all well and 2011 is being good to you so far. Ill be getting my new laptop in the next week and can keep in touch more often. x

First 2 weeks of being a Mum

2010-12-28T20:35:00.006Z

So little Nathan entered the world on Tuesday night and I knew i was looking at a couple of days in hospital. I think sometimes when you have NO choice you just need to get on with things. You accept it and adjust.

We were wheeled to our ward and i tried to get some sleep but i think i only managed an hour. Before the other girls on the ward had even woke up, I was up, showered, dressed and had my MAKE UP ON! Im sure they thought i was mad. Who cares about make up at a time like that? The girl in the bed next to me who had gave birth at the same time was practically in a coma, but not me. I was buzzing about the ward, seeing to Nathan and getting some breakfast.

Fathers are allowed to visit all day so Gerry soon arrived. My appetite was back with a vengeance and I was looking to find out where I could get some lunch. Apparently there was a cafe in the next building. So off i went leaving Gerry with Nathan. I was on the 3rd floor so i made my way down the stairs and walked to the cafe. This seemed like a good idea in theory but i did regret it half way there. It was quite a tough walk in the snowy slush, in slippers... and I had 2 hills to tackle. I bought loads! With 2 heavy bags I made the trip back. I felt good at the time. Independent even. but looking back i was doing far too much too soon and should really have been resting in bed. Soon I had a rush of visitors which was lovely and between them and the midwives constantly popping in, the day flew by. Gerry left at 9pm and i went to bed. Well sleep wouldn't come very easily and I think i only managed about 2 hours.

I kept looking over at Nathan in his little crib and I just felt really strange. I couldn't get my head around the fact that he was mine. I made him. It just didn't seem real at all. He didn't look like me really, not what I expected my child to look like. But i think it was more to do with the labour. In my head giving birth was all about pain. Pushing, puffing, panting and in the end this little baby coming. But i think my problem was (without being too graphic) because i didn't actually FEEL Nathan come out, it just wasn't gelling in my head. Throughout my whole pregnancy my tummy grew but even then i couldn't actually believe there was a baby inside me. I thought when he was born it would all just click. But it didn't. This sounds weird and some of you might even think its something to be concerned about. It wasn't like that. I loved him immediately and mothered him the way nature intends. But it definitely took a while to get my head around.

Lying in bed that night I decided it was time to go home. I was fine, Nathan was fine. I wanted to get home to my own surroundings and home comforts. Only problem was I wasn't sure that the hospital would agree. The thought of spending another day in hospital was ok, but to be told I COULDN'T leave wasn't something i was ok with. I was ready to go. When an agoraphobic is ready to leave... well... we know that feeling, the sense of urgency.

As soon as the midwife made her first visit i was on her case. 'Can i go home today'?? I was told that if the paediatrician gave Nathan the all clear we could go. I got on the phone to Gerry who wasn't allowed on the ward till 12.30 and told him we were getting out, come pick us up. At 10am he arrived on the ward armed with the car seat. I'm sure if he had been spotted he would have been asked to leave but i managed to hide him in a corner till visiting was allowed. Again the midwives visited and i was checked over. Each time i asked again 'can i go yet'. I should have just relaxed but i got myself quite stressed about it. We were warned of more bad weather and there was no way I was going to be stranded in the hospital due to the roads being so dangerous. I looked out the window and seen the snow start, RIGHT as i was having my blood pressure taken. No surprise I was told my heart rate was again a little too quick but i explained it was just nerves and had them re-take it in 5 minutes. Thankfully it had gone down. I packed my case and was literally sitting on the bed with Nathan in his car seat and me with my jacket on just waiting for the go ahead to leave. The girls on the ward did ask why i was in such a rush but i just made up some excuse about wanting a bath (i didn't know there was one on my ward). I really don't know how i would have reacted had they told me i was to stay again. Thankfully that never happened and I was allowed to go.

Ok new stress now. The journey home with this little baby. Gerry and I had our first fight seconds after leaving the hospital while trying to get the car seat in the car. I hadn't really slept since Sunday night, not properly anyway. This was now Thursday. I had impressed everyone on the ward with my get up and go but it was clear i had been running on adrenalin and i knew that i was going to crash eventually. And so as we struggled with the car seat I could feel myself ready to crack. 'Just get home and everything will be ok'

We drove home in strained silence and made our way to the flat. As soon as we walked in the door BOOM!!!! I lost it. I put Nathan down and I looked at him and felt filled with fear. Who was this little guy? Hes mine?? That cant be right. I haven't just had a baby. What if I'm rubbish at this. What if I cant cope. What if I let him down. This house is a mess. I need to get organised. I cant settle in this disorder. Wheres Nathans pram Gerry.

I ranted and raved and my head was spinning. I was SCREAMING at Gerry at this point. And instead of him being psychic and maybe realising my hormones were all over the place and i was just panicking, he fought back, which obviously didn't help. I asked him to fetch me things and he refused. If he had just went along with it, i might have been ok. But instead he stood his ground which made me even worse. Why isn't he helping me? This isn't going to work. To be fair i wasn't just shouting. I was hysterical. I was in tears and really I looked like I had lost the plot. And not only was I scaring Gerry but I was scaring myself. The responsibility of this little baby had hit me like a ton of bricks and i just didn't think I was up to the job. But what choice did I have? He is my son so i cant just give him back. I cant run away from it because number 1 - I would never forgive myself and number 2 - I didn't want to! But i was still terrified and freaking out. I was imagining the worst really instead of just taking each day as it came. I was visualising panic attacks and madness and being house bound and this poor baby suffering. In the end i had to call my mum. My poor mother. She must have been worried but she made her way to my house and tried to get me to sit down and relax. I couldn't though, i needed everything in order. I assembled his pram, put it in its place, i unpacked gifts, took the bins out, sorted out his clothes and then finally I sat down and had a cup of tea. With the house spotless and everything in its place my head started to seem clearer. Ok,i just had to get through this one night and take it from there. In a weeks time i will be in some sort of routine and this wont be so damn scary.

Nathan is such an easy baby at times and luckily he slept all day and night in between feeds. I think I needed it that night. Had he been hard work I might have panicked, but he was great and I was able to settle in.

The next few days are a blur of visitors and still no sleep. I'm breast feeding the little one and have been told to feed on demand. He is a hungry little guy so I get woken up at all hours. I used to really struggle with lack of sleep and would get really anxious if i didn't get at least 6 hours! but now i never get that and I don't mind. Like i said earlier, when you have no choice you just need to adapt.

Next issue. We needed to register Nathans birth. Pfffft i thought i was off the hook for a while and could just enjoy my baby. I didn't think i would be fighting my agoraphobia for a while. Registering him required travelling out of my comfort zone. My first thought was, Gerry can go do it. but when i looked into it I discovered that I HAD to be there! I did actually put it off for a couple of days, don't tell Gerry. I told him the office was too busy and i couldn't get an appointment but i knew it had to be done eventually. The weather on the day was awful. The place was covered in snow but worse we had thick fog. I have said before i am NOT fan of fog. It makes me very anxious and claustrophobic. I know i couldn't cancel though as Gerry would go nuts. I didn't want to take Nathan out in that weather though so my mum came to sit with him while we were out. I wont lie, it was hard this time. The registry office was somewhere that I haven't been in a long time, and if i DID go there in the past it would be with me driving. But this time Gerry was the driver and I sat there in the passenger seat sweating. Every set of traffic lights we came to turned red and my anxiety climbed the charts. There were definitely a few moments when that urgent feeling came over me and I wanted to shout OK TURN THE CAR AROUND AND TAKE ME BACK. But i fought it. 'Remember this will pass'. We got to the office and I still struggled. I asked the women on the reception if we could be seen asap as i was feeling sick, but I was told there was someone else before me. The anxiety came in waves and i tried to distract myself in many ways. I had visions of me running out screaming. Or running into the room and ranting 'OK IM LYNN THIS IS GERRY THE BABY IS NATHAN FILL OUT THE FORMS AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE AS I NEED TO LEAVE GO GO GO GO GO' Finally the person in front left and we were seen. Slowly my anxiety reduced phew!

The days have passed so quickly and as I write this Nathan will turn 2 weeks old. How has it really been? Has it been as hard as everyone describes.. Well truthfully and as i say this i touch wood, but no. I love it. We quickly got into a routine and although there are still sleepless nights I don't mind. If we have a bad night we curl up together on the sofa during the day and have a little nap together. I breast feed so i don't have the hassle of constantly making up formula or sterilising bottles. Nathan can sleep for HOURS and so I'm able to do my house work. Our families totally dote on him and we go visiting. I'm a dab hand at changing nappies etc. I love that Nathan knows my voice and no one can settle him as quickly as I can. How he seems content when i am near. The hard part for me has been health issues. He does this thing that i REALLY appreciate where he holds his breath and goes a lovely shade of purple. As you can imagine this sends me into a panic and although outwardly I'm all calm and just pat his back and make cooing noises...inside i am screaming and visualising running into my neighbours house holding a sick baby asking if she knows mouth to mouth. But the more he does it, the more used to it I am and i don't freak so much anymore.

The final issue only happened yesterday and this was a hard one for me. We had been invited to Gerry's parents for lunch. This was going to be a challenge for me but i accepted it as I want Nathan and I out doing things together. I wont let agoraphobia affect going out with my son (well within reason). But I had a sleepless night previously AND had a bit of a dodgy tummy. You know sometimes when something is just beyond you. Like one day you need to go to the supermarket and although it scares you, you go and you struggle through it. But other days you might need to go but you just know its not the right time and your bound to feel terrible. Well I was having one of those days. I didn't want to panic but more importantly i didn't want to panic in front of Nathan. Ok he may be too young to understand but I didn't want to take the chance, knowing that if i DID panic in front of him it would probably only make me more upset. So, all day i dreaded telling Gerry and when i did he was not a happy bunny. I also knew his parents were very excited to have Nathan over. How could I let everyone down? In my head I knew the sensible solution was for Gerry to go and to take Nathan with him. But in my heart I didn't think it was possible. I didn't want to be apart from my baby. I couldn't tell Gerry that i wasn't allowing him to take his son out. I couldn't deprive his parents of seeing their grandson.

So Gerry got Nathan into his car seat. Uh oh this was a bad idea. I felt physically sick and i started sobbing! He was only going to be about a 20 minute drive away but to me it was too far. I imagined Nathan crying for me and me not being there. Or i imagined me having a panic attack and not being able to make it stop until my son was home. I tried to hold it together. I know its only because Nathan is so new and that in time ill be grateful for someone taking him away and giving me a break for a while. But it was just too soon! This will be good for Nathan, he will enjoy it etc etc but suddenly i was really upset and asked Gerry not to take him through my tears. He simply said 'we are going visiting' and walked out the house.

Well i was a mess! I had to phone my mum and with every minute i was aware Nathan was getting further and further away from me. She told me to enjoy the rest and assured me Nathan would be fine. but I couldn't rest. I attacked my house in a cleaning frenzy as a distraction. Floors were swept and mopped, washings done, hoovering done, dishes washed. I ran myself a bath and by the time Gerry came home I had done so much housework i hadn't even managed to have my bath. 3 hours I passed. The longest 3 hours ever!!

And so i know this is going to be a battle. Today Gerry and I argued and he through his favourite insult in my face. The one he thinks will get a rise out of me. 'You never go out' or 'You cant leave the house'. This REALLY pisses me off because, well i CAN go out, but also hes touching a nerve and making it all an issue again. How cruel. and how horrible to dismiss all my hard work and achievements. Maybe the old me couldn't go out but now i do, and look at me trying to justify myself. He shouldn't say it just cause its not very nice!

Anyway that's been my first 2 weeks as a mummy and apart from these anxious moments i am loving every minute. And in a way I have even loved the anxious parts because i tell myself that every time i over come one of these it makes me a bit stronger. That was definitely how i dealt with Nathan being away, telling myself that it was something i needed to get used to and something that would get easier. Next up, New Year. Whats everyones plans. I think we should vow that 2011 is going to be a good one. For me 2010 has been one to remember!

The Labour

2010-12-22T16:26:00.006Z

Well a week has passed since the birth and its high time i told you what happened.

So last Monday I was sat at home in quite a bit of pain. My due date wasn't actually till the Thursday but i had a good idea that i had gone into labour. I was told I wouldn't be admitted to the hospital till I was 7cm dilated and so i braved it out at home. The pain was coming and going but it was bearable and that's why i wasn't rushing to hospital in a panic. I realised it was going to be a long process and since i was happy to ride it out at home i was sure i was quite a long way off from giving birth.

As Monday progressed the pain grew and came more frequently but it was still all over the place and not regular like they tell you contractions should be. I spent Monday night on the couch just breathing through them but by now the pain was less tolerable and i got no sleep whatsoever.

Tuesday morning i felt a little better. The pain was easing which was a little confusing. So i set my laptop up and started checking emails. Then suddenly POP. My waters broke. Uh oh this was really happening now. I rung the hospital and they asked me the colour of my waters. 'Brown' i told them. The nervous sounding midwife explained this could be a sign that the baby had pooed and i needed to get up to the hospital immediately and into the labour suite.

Well OMG i wasn't happy. I was terrified! My fears of travelling etc had to be brushed aside. No matter how i was feeling i had no choice but to do as I was told and get to hospital asap. I thought this meant that i would need a C Section and so i was even more frightened but more than anything i just wanted the baby to be ok so i rushed off to gather my things.

The drive to the hospital was fine although obviously my head was filled with negatives wondering how serious this was and would the baby be ok. When i got there they checked me over, confirmed the baby had pooed and took me straight to the labour suite. No slow labour for me I was put straight on a hormone drip which would speed the process up considerably. They wanted the baby out quick!

With Gerald by my side I begun my 'labour'. The hormones worked quicker than I imagined and before i knew it the contractions were regular, close together and OUCH painful! 'Remember your breathing' I told myself and i puffed and panted through each one. At this point i grew more frightened and one of the machines began to beep. My heart rate was up at 140 bpm.I dont know if this is very high but it was higher than they would have liked. But i explained it was anxiety and with some breathing i would be back to normal soon. Thankfully there was so much going on that I didn't really have a chance to get anxious. I had other work to do. Puff, pant. Deep breath in and long breath out. I kept going without any pain relief. I figured it was going to get much much worse and so i better wait till i REALLY needed it. Gas and Air never appealed to me. Being a control freak I didn't like the fact it apparently made you feel 'out of it'. Diamorphine sounded even worse to me. This makes you totally gone. High as a kite. On another planet. Plus it can make you sick and if your ill after the injection there is nothing you can do but just deal with it. Nope i didn't like the sound of that at all. And then there was an epidural. Well this is the one where apparently you are left with no feeling in your legs. For someone with agoraphobia who likes to make a quick exit should things get scary, this was not an option for me either.

And so the best of a bad bunch looked to me to be the gas and air. I had heard of women who had given birth using this only and i hoped i could be one of them. I avoided it as long as possible but eventually I asked for the tube. As i bounced on an exercise ball and hunched over the bed i sucked the life from the tube. 'OH PLEASE WORK'. So many people had told me, 'The Gas is great, you feel drunk and it really helps the pain' SUCK SUCK SUCK. I was feeling drunk yeh but pain wise, it did nothing at all. Ok i was starting to get worried. I was told I was 4cm dilated and i had come to the conclusion the gas and air was rubbish. It literally didn't help ease the contractions in the slightest. Its amazing how what works for some can be hopeless with others, but with me it wasn't happening at all.

I battled on for another few hours with Gerry rubbing my back or helping with heat packs but by now nothing was helping. I felt very very sick. And very hot. I grabbed a sick bowl but mid contraction i was so all over the place i was using it as a fan. Nope I had enough, this was not my cup of tea EPIDURAL PLEASE.

But what about the numb legs Lynn? Well i couldn't have cared less. Numb me from the neck down just make this stop!

Quick as i asked for it there was an anaesthetist there armed with the equipment. It didn't take long to do and after 20 minutes i felt AMAZING. I was very very lucky. I got a fantastic epidural. Yes I have heard the horror stories about them, and i know people who have had them and they just haven't worked. but for me it worked perfectly AND i still had full movement of my legs. I wouldn't have been able to walk very well (or at all). But i could move on the bed ok and the pain disappeared completely. Well this epidural was my new best friend. I spent the next few hours lying trying to nap as i hadn't slept since the Sunday night. I couldn't sleep but was happy just dozing with no pain. It was really weird actually. I was lying there just as i would have been at home reading a book or watching tv. Meanwhile my contractions were even stronger but i was blissfully unaware.

The next time i was examined I was told I was fully dilated and i could start to push now. 'What'???Its that time. Time to start pushing already and this is where you see women, on tv or in movies, screaming the place down in agony. And here I am sitting quite happily, texting people etc. Weird! Well i did as I was told and pushed and pushed and pushed. But nothing happened. And so i pushed and pushed and pushed some more. I was examined again. My little baby was facing the wrong way AND had his head in the wrong position. Ah that's ok I thought ill just push and push and see how it goes. Wrong...

'Sorry Lynn but it looks like we are going to have to perform a C Section'. Oh no no no no this is just what i don't want! Lying on an operating table, wide awake while someone does that to you.No no no not for me thank you. But really in my head I knew i had no choice and had to do whatever was necessary. And so i signed the consent forms and told myself everything would be ok.

I had more waiting around to do as there was a queue for theatre. Gerry got given his scrubs to put on. It was now about 10pm and I was told my baby would be born before midnight. It still didn't seem real. I never really could get my head around the fact a baby would come out of me. I was given more epidural. Apparently the amount i had was enough for a normal labour but not enough for a section.

In theatre we were surrounded by about 10 other people. Maybe more. Everyone was doing their job and i was put on the table. The doctor had made a decision. He was going to use forceps to try and turn the baby and if it was successful we would try a forceps delivery. If that failed we would have the section. I had heard forceps were meant to be very painful but i was delighted that i might be able to avoid a section.

It was over so quickly. Forceps in. 'the baby has turned', 'ok push'. A little push and i was told the head was out. The doctor said hello to baby who must have been facing him. He told me i would need to push once more and baby would be out. No need in the end ' oh oh wait hes... hes... here's your baby' and he was placed on my chest!

It was that easy! He was placed on my chest and i just shouted Oh my god! It was so wonderful and soooo weird! What an amazing event for anyone to go through or witness. How on earth had i made this little bundle! Baby was checked over and given the thumbs up. He was looking great and no sign of downs syndrome which i told was a possibility.

And so i had survived and brought the most gorgeous little boy into the world. Who would have thought it. I certainly couldn't have predicted this a few years ago. But this was only the beginning. It was to be much harder over the next few days .......

Introducing

2010-12-16T22:36:00.005Z

Nathan Jackson Spencer.

Born 14th December 2010 at 10.56pm

Weighing 7lb 9oz

Will update more later but we have a very tired mummy here xx

Its the End of Days

2010-12-08T20:13:00.006Z

Scotland from space.. completely covered in snow

Well you'd think it was here in Scotland. The weather we are having is mental!!!

Scotland has a reputation of having bad weather and so you would think when it hits us we would be organised. Not at all! We have had snow and the lowest temperatures in years and it is causing utter chaos.

Traffic has been at a stand still and people have been stuck in their cars for over 15 hours. The temperatures vary but I have seen -15 here the last few nights. The shops are empty with people panic buying and so you ll struggle to get some milk and bread. The schools are all closed leaving poor parents tearing their hair out with the kids stuck in doors. There have been deaths reported with people freezing to death outside. (mainly Old people who had perhaps fallen). Many people stuck on endless traffic have just abandoned their cars and walked home. Lorries are jackknifed all over the country and many other accidents reported. And of course people cant get to work etc so in short the place is falling apart.

For an agoraphobic caught in the middle of this it isn't a barrel of laughs. I remember years ago if i saw the beginning of fog i would be sent into panic, would close all the blinds and curtains and hide away in my bedroom. I hate the claustrophobic feeling fog gives me. The snow has been doing much the same. Although I haven't had a panic attack i have definitely felt very uneasy and try not to focus on the fact that if i want to escape... i wont really be able to.

Escape what though?? I dunno. Just escape the panic i guess. Worse case scenario if panic was causing me to absolutely lose the plot i would rely on the fact I have a car outside and could go to hospital But with this weather that wont be happening. It would take me hours to get to the nearest hospital now and I'm just praying the roads are in better order when i go into labour!

Yes no sign of baby as yet. My due date is the 16th and so I am hoping the weather situation may be slightly better by then. If not I can relax (somewhat) knowing that the ARMY have been drafted in to drive paramedics around in 4x4s!

Everyday I check my car is working and mostly it sits there with a battery which has been killed by the cold or i simply cant get it in at all as its completely frozen shut! I have managed a little walk to the shops each day but its not enough, i am experiencing extreme cabin fever! I'm used to seeing my mum everyday for a cuppa and a chat but I haven't seen her in a week now and its starting to get on my nerves. So tomorrow I am out of here! I am braving the elements before i lose my mind. Its not good for me to be at home with too much spare time and too much time to think. Always better to keep busy i say.

Baby wise I am pretty huge now. Sleeping ok but growing increasingly uncomfortable and nervous about the pain i am due to go through lol. There is no way out of it really it just has to be done and so I am coping ok with my 'just get on with it' attitude. Still its not exactly a thrilling thought.

My updates are lacking because i literally spend my days doing the same stuff and so haven't had much to update you with but im sure that will change over the coming weeks. I hope you are all well and looking forward to Christmas. I'm not making any great plans for mine this year as I have no idea where I will be or what state ill be in lol. Wherever you are I hope your anxiety free and warm!!!

Agoraphobia and Pregnancy

2010-11-03T09:34:00.007Z

Hi everyone. Time for an update I think.

Sorry I haven't written much but I haven't had much agoraphobia/anxiety related going on. This is probably due to the stage I'm at with the pregnancy. I am quite heavily pregnant now at 8.5 months and so I haven't been doing much travelling. I have been out and about of course but it has been very much locally. My routine is very simple at the moment. I wake up, clean the house, visit my mum or some friends and then I am home by late afternoon exhausted.

Ive only had to deal with the old familiar anxiety twice. Firstly was when the clocks went back. Ive said before many times that this is my least favourite time of year. The clocks go back and suddenly we have an extra hour of darkness. Plus the weather here is utterly miserable and pretty much raining and grey all the time. This can make it quite difficult to give you some get up and go. I love hot sunny days and would lie in the sun all day of i could, but when its so miserable outside you cant help but want to lie on the sofa with a duvet. I don't do that though. That's dangerous behaviour for someone who suffers agoraphobia. Spend a couple of days in doors and before I know it, going out can be quite difficult again. Theres no secret to how i dealt with the clocks changing, or the gloomy feeling that accompanied it. I kept busy and I ignored it. I think I am getting much better at this now. Maybe that's just because i have a house of my own now, i take to cleaning. A great distraction.

When I went for my 20 week scan it took A LOT of hard work. I really didn't think i would manage it and its probably the hardest I have ever had to fight against agoraphobia. When i finally made it to the hospital I was so proud and delighted. I knew that after that appointment i wouldn't have to return until the baby was delivered. All other appointments would be carried out locally. Wrong! Due to my low lying placenta I was told I would need to return at 34 weeks to check my progress and make sure i didn't need a c-section.

Well i managed to put this to the back of my head. I tried not to worry myself and told myself that since i made it for the 20 week scan even though it was ridiculously hard, then it wouldn't be as hard second time around. The months past and my tummy grew and of course now and then the appointment popped into my head, but i ignored it again telling myself it would be ok. 2ND of November was the date and when we arrived in October I began getting a little more nervous. 'Don't think about it' i told myself. In the past i would have OBSESSED over it and so i tried to handle it differently. Before I knew it there was a week until the appointment and although i had ignored it, i was certainly dreading it. I still refused to allow myself to think about it until finally it was the day before the scan and finally i said to myself 'ok you can think about this now and get it straight in your head'. Meaning, how i would get there, how i would cope with anxiety etc and even entertained the negative thoughts that I knew would come. I allowed my head to face all of these questions and tried to prepare myself mentally.

So the appointment was on Tuesday at 10am and on Monday night i went to bed early exhausted. Well the exhaustion didn't matter. I lay there awake for what felt like the entire night. I imagined every possible scenario. I'd see myself in the car panicking, screaming, curling into a ball. What if i really needed to turn back and go home and Gerry refused (he was driving). What if I panicked so much i went into labour? Well at least if that happened i was driving to the right place! I told myself that there was no pressure and if i couldn't make it then i simply couldn't make it! But all the while i knew that was rubbish, i NEEDED to go as it was regarding my baby and my safety should i go into labour.

And so Tuesday morning arrived and i decided... I'M NOT GOING. I CANT DO IT. I have noticed for years that when i am having an anxious time it affects me much more when i just wake up. Its like your body has been resting and asleep and when you wake up, someone flicks a switch and everything turns on again. Its all speeded up a little and takes maybe half an hour for everything to be in sync and calm down. So i was a bit shaky and anxious when i rose on Tuesday morning but I went about my usual routine. Tea, breakfast, get washed and before i knew it I was ready to go. Luckily I had an hour to kill but in getting myself ready my nerves had definitely died down a little. I decided it was time to pack my 'panic bag'. Last time i went to the hospital I went in the back of a van and took things i could use as distraction should i have a panic attack and so this time i took the same items. I packed my phone, earphones, baby wipes (should I sweat), magazines and a drink. But this time there was no van, i was going by car. I wont over dramatise this because it was quite simple. I got in the car, put the radio on and flicked through a magazine. Next thing i knew we were there. Yes i was a bit wobbly but i done much better than the last time.

I went for my scan and my anxiety raised a little as i realised this was the moment i could find out if i would need a section, or if they seen anything wrong with the baby but the appointment couldn't have gone better. Baby was looking fantastic and i don't need a section. I was overjoyed. I met with my consultant and discussed my labour plans. I luckily have the option of having the baby in birthing pool AND i can have aromatherapy and acupuncture too. Gerald said it sounds like a spa and hes jealous but I'm sure we are all aware it isn't called labour for nothing! And so i went home. Simple. The dreaded day was over, i have no more hospital appointments until the big day. The scan i dreaded for 14 weeks was done and i felt a huge weight lifted, i felt amazing.

And so it makes me think AGAIN. Every time i travel a distance like that I am pretty much always ok. Not only that, once i have done it i feel fantastic. So why do i still dread it? I think its obvious. Habit! I'm not in the habit of doing these things enough. I don't challenge myself enough anymore. Ok i can use the pregnancy as an excuse cause really I am knackered and really just cant be bothered! I want to lie on the couch and take it easy. Also when i do these things i kick myself for not doing more and suddenly want to start doing more challenging things. Already i want to make plans for the rest of the week, for Christmas etc. Its all about practice isn't it. Not sitting back and saying no to things because it makes you feel a little nervous. Get out there and do it. Now i am not saying its that easy. I am at a stage with my agoraphobia where i am able to tackle more, but i know in the past i couldn't have done these things. A walk to the bottom of the street would have been a huge challenge in itself, but at least i MADE myself do that walk everyday, and that's my advice to everyone else. No matter how small the task may be, don't give up, just keep on pushing. That's what i did and I am now in my own home, expecting a baby and 99% of the time i am anxiety free. So i cant help but ask myself, when will i think of myself as recovered. Instead of labelling myself an agoraphobic could i not say that time of my life is over. Yes i still have off days but really they are few and far between. Also i don't travel for miles and miles, and i don't see myself having any forgein holidays any time soon but that doesn't affect my day to day living. So maybe I am a 'normal' person now who suffers with nerves from time to time? Oh i don't know. All i know is that I will keep on pushing and will push even more once my baby arrives.

For women with anxiety and/or agoraphobia who would like to have a baby, but think they cant then my advise is this. When i found out i was pregnant i was told it might not be the best idea. What kind of life could i give the baby if i couldn't do anything. Well thankfully I was already at a stage where i could do pretty much everything within reason. But my answer was that agoraphobia had robbed me of so much in life that I would let it rob me of my right to have a baby. Ok baby might not be going abroad with me for quite some time, but it will be loved more than anything in this world, have a wonderful family around it and i can offer it a good life! So i was going for it. My pregnancy has been quite easy. I'm touching wood as I still have some time left, but really its been ok. I worried that hormones would make me crazy, that i wouldn't like my body changing, that I wouldn't like the lack of control over my body, but its not like that. Yeh threes been a few times i have been scared, but really I have taken it day by day and coped very well. In around 5 weeks time my baby will be here and i feel already its the best thing i have ever done. Don't let agoraphobia take away your choices. Especially not something as big as this. I would say if you are housebound then now probably isn't the right time. But don't rule it out in your future. When i was housebound i thought i was the worst agoraphobic in the world and saw no future outside of my home. I NEVER imagined for a second that I would one day have children even though it was the main thing i always wanted in my life. If you aren't housebound but can travel relatively well, can make appointments and have a good support system around you then i would say go for it. I am very excited about my future once the baby arrives and look forward to sharing it with you all.

Bump and Bus Journeys

2010-09-15T14:23:00.003+01:00

Hi all from me and my ever expanding waistline! As you can see from the picture above I am getting bigger by the day. I would say im loving it but it is defo a love hate relationship i am having with my tummy. Not the baby of course, who I already adore, but the BUMP.

Pregnancy wise I guess I am doing ok. All the fears i experienced at the start have mostly gone. I wasn't actually scared of labour or being a mum, just scared of being pregnant in general. Would i cope with the fact that I would be growing and not able to control it, or would I like the feeling of a little baby wriggling around inside me? I couldn't help think of that scene in Alien when the Alien claws its way out of someones stomach. Luckily the pregnancy has been ok. Yes I have suffered ridiculous heartburn which has driven me insane but apart from that I have had no major problems. Well... at my scan I was told I have placenta previa, don't know if I mentioned that before. Basically my placenta was sitting very low and needs to move up as it could be blocking the babies exit. I go back at 34 weeks for another scan to see if it has moved and if not, I may need to get a C section. I don't know why I'm not overly concerned about this, I just think i will cross that bridge when I come to it. Also I was told I was high risk of having a baby with downs. A one in 74 chance. Again, i am not worrying myself about it, there is no point. The baby is here to stay regardless of this and so i will just need to wait to the birth to find out. Sorry if i have already mentioned both of these things but i have baby brain and cant remember and am too lazy to go back and read what I have wrote previously, hey at least I'm honest ha. Oh and I have sciatica now so i cant really walk anywhere, i just hobble! I noticed in a shop today that they had walking sticks for sale and i seriously considered buying one as the pain is really not nice but i resisted. So many my pregnancy hasn't been THAT straight forward after all.

Ok so the house move. When I wrote last I hadn't spent a night at home alone and I really wasn't sure how I would cope. Well I needn't have worried because I have been here for almost a month now and 99% of the time i am here alone. Gerald has stayed a couple of times but mainly I'm just pottering about myself. I cant even remember my first night alone clearly but with the pregnancy I am pretty exhausted and I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. I have a great routine and the house is always spotless as i am alone all the time. I go to bed early, and get up early. Do some chores for about half an hour and that's everything done. Changed days to when i would be up will 4am with anxiety and would happily sleep the day away! I go to the supermarket and domy shopping like a 'normal' person. (although this can still have me a wee bit flustered) I have had no anxiety, no panic attacks, nothing. I am amazed at how easily I have settled in and just pray it stays that way. I pop round to my mums everyday so i cant say i miss home too much and I have friends visiting regularly so its all good. I would say i can get quite bored and even lonely at times. I think if I wasn't pregnant I would probably get myself a little dog, or I would be looking for something outside of the home to keep me busy. but I know in a few months i will have a wee baby here and wont have a minute to spare so I'm telling myself to just enjoy the 'me' time.

So since things are going so well and i am anxiety free I pretty much sound like a 'recovered' agoraphobic but that's not really true, the problems are still there. My support worker and I are still working on me travelling on my own using public transport. On past trips I have got the bus and headed homeward on it, which seemed quite easy. But we decided that next time I would get this bus outward bound. This seemed to scare me more basically because I might be anxious and once off the bus i wouldn't be back in my safety zone, i would be stranded. It was decided that I would catch the bus and Margaret would meet me at a bus stop and drive me home. On the planned day i was pretty nervous and as I stood waiting for the bus I wanted to cancel. I knew Margaret would be parked waiting for me and so many times I wanted to call her and tell her i couldn't do it, but I fought with myself and stayed put. Finally a bus arrived and I got on and took my seat. Ok this wasn't so bad really. Margaret would be waiting for me, I can do this after all. Suddenly I noticed my phone flashing in my bag, quickly answering, it was Margaret telling me she was parked in Riverview Industrial Park. 'WHERE'??? I had NO idea where that was and as far as I was aware it was nowhere near where I thought she would be. I had 2 choices, stay on the bus and get off where planned, hoping that I could direct Margaret there by phone asap... or i could get off the bus before I was taken further into the danger zone haha. I jumped up, catching my jacket in the process, wrestling to get free i bolted for the front of the bus and got off. All the while Margaret was still on the phone and getting into a panic worrying that she had let me down. It was only once i was off the bus that I realised I was now stranded.. outside of my safe zone... with no one there to help and this was NOT place i would usually be walking! Pounding heart 'OK Margaret I'm off the bus you need to start driving back towards my house NOW', dizziness 'I am panicking a little I'm going to start walking home as fast as I can, please hurry'. I put the phone down and i told myself 'STOP IT'! Stop panicking! I wasn't THAT far away, yes it was new ground to cover on foot and yes i wasn't very comfortable but i could freak out or I could get a grip and make the journey a lot easier. And suddenly I was ok. ( wasn't exactly fine, but i was well enough to walk at a normal pace and not lose my nerve. Before I knew it, i was back home and Margaret pulled up in her car. Poor Margaret I think she was more anxious than me in the end.

So it wasn't exactly a success that day but i got into her car and took her to where she would need to wait for me when i try the bus journey again. With that clear i feel better about the next time we give it a bash. I was just grateful she didn't ask me to do it then and there because that might have been a bit too much for my nerves.

Other news, the Adult literacy course I was involved in. Remeber I started the course where i would be helping adults who have problems with reading, writing or numbers? I went for one day and loved the course, looked forward to the coming weeks, but at the last minute the tutor told us they were relocating to an area which was quite simply beyond me. I told them the truth about my agoraphobia and they said they would be in touch when another course started in the location i was comfortable with. Thankfully I received a letter yesterday to say the new course starts in October and they would like me as a tutor so that was great news. Will get me out the house and keep me busy. I just hope the pregnancy doesnt affect it what with me being pretty exhausted , but ill give it a really good go!

I think thats all for now, I cant think of any big news or any events to talk about but as always I hope you are all well and happy. Untill next time xx

P.S = someone just pointed out that i sound single on this. They asked if Gerry and I have split as i talk about being on my own. Thats mainly down to his work. he works every night and does long shifts which is why i am alone, and since he works through the night he sleeps all day...and so I am alone then too. Thought I would clear that up lol

Downloads

2010-09-12T10:17:00.001+01:00

I have written before about a website that I used to save downloads. I had made these downloads available to all readers of the blog. The downloads include relaxation Audio, Audio specifically aimed at Agoraphobia and also Ebooks.

The website has no closed and people have still been asking me if the downloads are available so I have found a new website that offers online storage.

If you are looking to download any of the mentioned items just head to www.humyo.com. Sign in with the email address lynn_jackson@hotmail.com and use the password blogger.

I will write a proper post in the next couple of days with all updates and news. Hope you are all well x

How does an Agoraphobic move home??

2010-08-23T20:07:00.008+01:00

That's a question i ALWAYS asked myself. How can someone who suffers agoraphobia move home? In the past this would have been my biggest nightmare. Why would I want to move somewhere completely strange? To leave behind each familiar room, my safe place, the place where I can find comfort and relax?

I Have been living with my parents since about 2004, I have been house bound in their home and gone through the worst of my illness there. You would think it would be a place of bad memories that I would be happy to leave behind. But it is also the place where, at the height of a panic attack, i could calm myself. Its my safe place. If I am anxious I have everything I need round about me and I know how to cope. No one likes change, but I think of anxiety sufferers we definitely dislike it more than 'normal' people would. I remember a change of curtains or a shift of furniture would be enough to set me off in a panic. Its that old chestnut... control!

Since meeting Gerry, I have been keen to find my own place. For lots of reasons really, wanting our own space, a bit of privacy, but mostly I saw myself approaching 30 and living with my parents and decided this is not what I wanted at all! I want to be an independent woman (far more comfortable using the word 'girl') I have pushed the boundaries with my agoraphobia. I am comfortable at home when left alone etc, and i felt it was time to move. We had been house hunting for a while but when I found out I was pregnant the search got more serious.

I have had a flat of my own since 2006. I don't know if I have ever discussed this on here before but I will explain briefly. I got my flat through the local housing association when I was still suffering quite badly with anxiety. It was a cosy little one bedroom place and I made myself go round everyday to decorate. After a few months the work was done and it was time to move in. I just didn't seem to want to. I never moved my clothes or private things in, only furniture. Looking back its pretty obvious I just wasn't ready for it. 4 years later the flat had gone to ruin. A total dump if I'm honest and moving there now just didn't seem to be an option. I wanted better. Also since it was only one bedroom i wanted bigger for when the baby comes.

But talking to a midwife she discussed how the baby will be sleeping in my room, ideally for the first few months anyway. So after lots of thought it was decided I would give it a go.

Last week Gerry and I started working on the flat. Day and night we have ripped everything out and started from scratch! The dump I didn't want to live in turned into a beautiful home, one which we would both be happy to live in. And so on Sunday came moving day! I have been buying home things for months for a new home and a new baby. I have talked excitedly about all the things I would do and what it will be like when we finally had our own space. but yesterday was Sunday and that old faithful anxiety came to visit.

I knew it was going to be a little difficult. Moving house is stressful for anyone, but I haven't slept anywhere other than my parents place for years. I was alone for most of the day and so my mind had too much time to wander and imagine all sorts of horrible outcomes. Gerry had told me he would stay with me but instead of finding comfort in this, i found it stressed me out even more. What if i cant calm down? I cant just run away and leave him there! When he finally arrived at the flat I had a bit of distraction. We were still doing odd jobs, building pieces of furniture etc and so i was kept occupied. Then I finally sat down to just sit and watch tv and the anxiety returned. I cant say I ever got to the stage where I panicked and thought 'ok i want to leave, i cant do this'. but there were definitely a few wobbly moments when I wondered if I would ever feel comfortable.

Thankfully that feeling did go away and at 1am i got into my new bed. After reading for a while I feel asleep and slept fine. I thought I would be buzzing when I woke up thinking 'yes i did it!' but if anything the anxiety just returned. Gerry had left for work and so i was on my own and was thinking 'what now'. My morning routine at my mums couldn't happen since i wasn't there and so I was a bit uneasy. Luckily a friend popped by for a visit and distracted me long enough to get back to normal and continue my day. The thoughts i have had are always the same. What if i become house bound here, what if i cant visit my parents, what if the short drive to their house becomes difficult. What if i don't see my nephews as often, what if I never settle in, what if i visit my mums house and that is no longer comfortable for me. What if the place where I calm myself no longer calms me. And on and on and on. Mostly my head just felt messed up. All over the place. I'm neither here nor there, where should i be. But I am hugely relieved to say that tonight I feel much better. I have told myself to CALM DOWN, CHILL OUT. I realised that anyone must feel this way when moving house. They leave a home and move to an address and they don't have the luxury of being able to visit their old place, but i do. And if i need to visit everyday i will ha. I will go with the flow and take each day as it comes. I am where I want to be, doing what I want to do. I have a beautiful home of my own and a place for my baby. I have peace and quiet. I have the maturity and Independence I have craved for so long.

And so i sit here MUCH calmer and my head is far more settled. In saying that, Gerry is working tonight and i will be on my own so who knows how it will be, but I know ill stick it out and each night will get easier.

Today I am 6 months pregnant and I cannot believe how quickly it is going. A little TOO quick! Although I have now been pregnant for half a year, its still a big thing to get my head around, another huge change. But a welcome one. I do feel like my life is really going to start when baby arrives and I cant wait to meet the little one. I am blooming and i suppose this is when i will REALLY start to grow, so its good that the move is over and all the major work is done.

The Lengths We Will Go To

2010-07-24T11:43:00.006+01:00

In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. if you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them. Maybe you can hire.... The A Team!

The way i finally got to my scan very much reminded me of the A Team!

So I am now 20 weeks pregnant and as you all know I didn't go for my 12 weeks scan. This has been causing me huge problems which include guilt and anxiety. As each day passed it got worse and worse. I just couldn't seem to visualise the drive to the hospital at all. In each scenario in my mind I was screaming and freaking out. I tried practice drives to the hospital but I was under so much pressure and so nervous that I only ever made it half way.

I tried talking about it, relaxation methods, deep breathing, positive thinking etc but nothing as working this time. I told myself to just go for it because the past had proved that DOING the thing was much less stressful than you ever imagined it would be. One of the top midwives at the hospital was in regular contact with me and was very concerned. She even offered to come and pick me up and drive me their herself but I explained that even that was unlikely to work.

Poor Gerry was tearing his hair out with me. He got to the stage he was losing sleep with worry about how the baby would be. I myself couldn't stop thinking about it. What if there was anything wrong with the baby? I would have no idea. What if it needs help and no one knows because I cant get there. On top of that I had people constantly asking after the wee one and asking if I had been for my scan yet. Totally embarrassed I would make up some stupid story as to why it hadn't happened.

The head midwife offered me the solution that instead of having to make an appointment, they could offer me an open door policy that meant I could go anytime at all, if i suddenly felt I could make it. But that didn't work either! Eventually she told me there was no point in going for my 12 week scan. I had totally missed it anyway and there was no point going for a scan at 14 weeks only to return again at 20. And so she told me we would aim for the 20 weeks but it was important that I made it.

In my head I knew this wasn't going to happen. I was starting to dread even seeing the midwives at my local surgery because at my last appointment it was really obvious the midwife did not approve of me at all. In the end the pressure, guilt and anxiety was all so great that it just seemed utterly impossible.

Throughout the whole time I kept moaning saying 'I wish i could just go in an ambulance'. This was because of last year. Remember when I was taken to hospital in the middle of the night via ambulance. It was something that as an agoraphobic, I always worried about happening. But when it DID happen I coped really well. In the back of an ambulance with a fantastic paramedic, I was completely calm. I figured this was down to the fact I couldn't see where I was. Bizarre though because I know the roads so well I KNEW exactly where I was, but not being able to see everything whizzing past made it easier. I find that when I am anxious and hypersensitive, your surroundings can seem to overwhelming. There is too much going on around you and its harder to gather your thoughts and get yourself calm. And so knowing that I couldn't just ring an ambulance since i wasn't in any pain, i worked out another solution.

How about I go in the back of a van!

Gerry who was desperate to get me there, thought this a tad extreme but agreed that if it got me there, he would get us a van. It was planned that he would borrow his dads work van on Thursday and we would attempt the journey. I have to admit but even then I didn't think it would work. But Thursday was a week away so i had bought myself some time.

On Wednesday night Gerry was texting saying he was really excited about the next day and how we would finally see the little one. I told him not to get his hopes up because deep down I didn't believe I would get there, however, i did tell myself I would at least have to TRY it.

Thursday morning came far to quickly and I woke up to find Gerry in my bedroom. He didn't look too pleased at all! Bad News. He explained he had been to collect the van but when he was trying to get in the back to unload some stuff, he had snapped the key in the door! 'Yes'!!! I thought. I don't need to try this now. Gerry on the other hand had had enough. Seriously annoyed about the van car he told me enough was enough. I had to get in the car and just do it. It was far too important to miss. 'Get in the back seat and put a cover over your head', 'If i need to drag you I will'. Well if there is one thing you shouldn't say to an agoraphobic its that! Maybe just maybe, if Gerry had been calm and soothing, he might have talked me round. But standing there shouting and losing his cool he had blown it completely. Absolutely NO WAY was I going near his car. He stormed out of my house screaming all sorts of abuse but I just sat there because at the end of the day, I knew he was right and I was the one in the wrong here. Poor guy just couldn't handle it anymore. I did feel awful, this was all my own doing. My phobia, my issues. But i tried to explain that it was hardly ideal for me too. I never feel sorry for myself and the life agoraphobia has caused me to lead. But for once I did. Do you think i wanted this? Do you think I don't want this scan. Why cant I be normal and enjoy my pregnancy and get excited about these appointments. Its not fair!!

Friday was Gerry's last free day before he started working constant 12 hour shifts. He was gutted that he was going to miss the scan, and although i told him that wouldn't happen, it was looking pretty likely. I woke up on Friday morning with Gerry standing beside my bed again, this time with a big smile on his face 'I got a new Van key, the vans outside'

'Oh s**t' I thought. Ok so he has the van, randomly after weeks of rain the sun was shining and this is his last day off... I need to try this!

He took me out to show me the van and where I would be sitting. Oh my i should have taken a picture. I would be huddled into this van sitting on top of piles of metal pipes. DIRTY metal pipes. Well beggars cant be choosers so I went back indoors and got myself ready. How can you prepare for a journey like this? I decided to take magazines (for distraction), My ipod for music to distract me and also the panic application that helps you control your breathing. Baby wipes for when I get hot and start sweating. A bottle of water for when I need a cool drink. And finally my notebook which has all the helpful phrases I need during panic, for example, 'this will pass', 'breathe', 'Don't let the panic win'. And before leaving the house Gerry was given strict instructions.

Should i want to stop the drive and turn around you MUST do it.
If you continue to drive with me after I have asked you to stop I will freak out and who knows what that will do to me and the baby.
If you ignore me I will call the police and tell them I have been kidnapped and I'm in the back of a transit van (this was all said in jest but i think i would have done it had i felt the need)
Do not shout at me or lose your cool as it WILL NOT HELP
If you don't do what i need you to do you will be blowing it completely and the chances are I will never get in a car with you again.

Got myself seated in the van and immediately phoned a friend as Gerry began to drive. It was another distraction method, which usually works for me, but this time it meant I wasn't able to compose my thoughts and it actually just made me more nervous. Oh no I wasn't enjoying this at all! The panic came which was inevitable really after all my over thinking. Grabbed my ipod, with shaking hands I stuck some music on and turned it up LOUD! I realised pretty quickly this wasn't a great idea. Ok i couldn't see round about me, but i didn't like it either. I felt like mentally I needed to know exactly where I was and to deal with each step of the journey. I cant really explain it to be honest. Thankfully I could see into the front of the van and out of the window a little so I kept having a little check now and then. Much to my disappointment, every time I looked out I wasn't as close to the hospital as I had hoped. In my whole experience with panic attacks I have never felt so exposed, so vulnerable and so unsafe. I was aware that I was out of my safety zone, that the journey BACK to my safety zone was going to take a while and every time i thought of this I felt the panic rise. Looking back on it now I realise that even though I was extremely uncomfortable, turning back never entered my head. I knew i was getting that scan done and it was as simple as that. I will say though that the panic never got to that unbearable stage where you just lose it, so maybe had it got that bad, i would have told him to stop but thankfully that never happened.

We made it, we were at the hospital. And what happened then? Same thing that always happens, I went completely calm!

The scan department was on the 3rd floor of the hospital and since I don't do lifts I headed for the stairs. I introduced myself at the desk to some praise for finally making it. Someone was in being scanned before me so i was going to have to wait. But even then I was calm and we all know how much I hate waiting. I walked around alone looking where everything was, the anti natal classes, the birthing suite etc and finally they were ready for me.

Then the maternal nerves took over. As i lay on the bed I couldn't look at the scan monitor. I guess due to my miscarriage last year I as too frightened in case i seen something was wrong. The doctor told me to look at the screen to see my baby but i couldn't look until I knew there was a heartbeat. Within minutes I was told I could look and there it was. My little baby kicking and wriggling inside of me. The images were so clear I couldn't believe it. The little face looked perfect. I just lay there smiling from ear to ear and enjoying every second. The doctor took measurements and I began to worry thinking that something was wrong. But he explained he was checking the baby and this is what they do with everyone. He was so thorough and the whole thing lasted over half an hour. Being as impatient as I am, I asked the babies sex. I am totally delighted with the outcome but I am keeping that a secret until the wee one arrives. To be told that everything was ok was just the most wonderful news ever. In a way I felt so lucky but also that I didn't deserve it! I had been so useless and yet I was totally blessed. I got the scan pictures printed out and was free to go but i ended up chatting and getting bloods taken and weighed etc as for some reason the midwives had never weighed me. (The bloods are to test for down syndrome)

I left the hospital clinging to the scan pictures and headed for the van. I was fine now. I had done it. And I didn't feel like travelling in the back of the van A Team style. I joined Gerry up the front. I chatted to him and wasn't even bothered about where we were and how far from home I was. I realised it was lunchtime and suggested we go have something to eat together, which we did. It was so normal and so good! While at lunch I suggested we go have a look in some shops but Gerry had to be somewhere.

I got home and my mother was white as a sheet, she had obviously been worried sick as we were gone much longer than she thought we would be. I handed her the pictures and her eyes filled with tears. Weeks of worrying about getting me to that scan were gone. The relief on her face was completely obvious and I let her enjoy her moment.

It is horrible to be the cause of so much worry in other people. My agoraphobia had pretty much disappeared for so long, but my constant over thinking and stressing caused it to return when it was most important. I have over come a lot of the problems that agoraphobia caused in my lofe, but this is by far the proudest I have ever been of myself. I am gutted I took so long, and disappointed for allowing myself to believe the bad things my head tells me when I know better. But in one day I killed some demons for sure. I got my buzz back and I want to get out there and do so much more. And now I can enjoy the rest of my pregnancy with no pressure, and when people ask if i have been for my scan I can stop lying and say Yes!!!

Scan Success!!!

2010-07-23T21:58:00.000+01:00

20 week scan done and dusted!!! I will elaborate later but I am so happy I DONE IT AND BABY IS FINE!!!! (plus i know the sex)