Living with Agoraphobia

24 hours in my head

2013-05-08T00:06:00.001+01:00

Hello!!!!

Cant quite believe my last post was in January. I knew it had been a while but JEEZ! Many apologies im sure you have all been on the edge of your seats to hear about the latest goings on in my life (yes im being sarcastic) So firstly a quick update. I am still working and I am still a non smoker. YEY! High 5s all round.

The website has completely changed and grew quite a lot since I last wrote. I am now working from www.cherishedgifts.co.uk.

That's the basics. What else can I report.

I missed my best friends wedding. Couldn't make the journey and was totally gutted, but I put the memory into a little box in my brain never to be revisited (until blogging). Why dwell on it and upset myself? I didn't make it, I cant change it I can only look forward.

Winter here has lasted forever. Today has been our first day of sun and its really had an effect. I have been feeling very 'flat'. Usually by this time of year we have had a few weeks of sunshine. Im rocking a nice little tan and all the lovely vitamins from the sun have perked me up and im quite a happy soul. The grey gloom has pulled me down a bit, and the demand of the website has caused a few issues.

I have customers who are relying on me. That's pressure. I have deliveries that need to be made on time. That's pressure. If I was to describe the ins and outs I would bore you but lets just say a lot of time and energy needs to go into the business and it all equals pressure and stress which for someone with anxiety, isn't necessarily a good thing.

On the outside im sure I look like im in control. Im doing well. Nathan is doing great, such a happy boy as always. Inside my head is spinning. Join me for 24 hours in my head. ...

Uch its 6 am
What will we do today
I cant travel many places with Nathan. That's not fair on him
Am I a crap mum
Better give him breakfast.
Poor Nathan deserves better than this
Its raining where can we go
We cant stay in all day its not fair on Nathan and I need out
Everyones at work, no one to visit. Cant go anywhere decent on my own with him... too nervous
We will go a walk.
Post mans been. Deliveries. Lets sort these orders.
whos is this, where does this go, need to get these sorted
'be there in a minute Nathan mummies busy'
This isn't fair on him either.
Parcels ready.
Tidy the house, bath time. look out clothes.
Poor Nathan sitting watching tv alone... bored im sure. Bad mum
OK we will go to the post office and the shop. At least we are getting out
Jobs done... now what.
Weve been out for half an hour, that's not enough.
Where to go? We will go a walk.
Ive walked where I can comfortably walk to. Poor Nathan this isn't enough.
Hes pulling to go further but mummys pulling him back in another direction with some excuse.
(passing my relfection in a mirror) god I look tired
I am tired
Im exhausted.
I need to eat better
I eat a lot of junk!
I am getting no goodness from my food
I should really look into getting some vitamins.
I wonder if im ill
Im always tired. Wonder if theres something more to it?
IM awfully thin looking. Not good
And when will I get to a dentist. My teeth are a mess
But im too scared. I don't like that numbness and the fact I cant control it
Lunch time. What to make
Soup again Nathan. Boring. Easy. Crap Mum
What now?
Draw, play? Pass time
Dinner. Mediocre. As long as you eat im happy, but wheres the goodness in that meal. bad mum
Bed time. Story time. Love love love you baby.
Guilt
He deserves more
He will get more
Ill do better
when im stronger
He has love and a happy home. That's what matters
He is clever and happy. That's what matters
I will make sure he grows up full of dreams and ambition
He wont end up like me
am I making him like me?
Work on the website
Work
work
work
stress
anxiety
work
lights out. am I ok
im anxious and that had all gone
Am I depressed? ive never been depressed. I don't want to be depressed.
maybe my meds aren't working anymore
do I need to try new ones
I don't want to try new ones
sleep
wake up
what will we do today?
Thank god he has nursery so hes being entertained and not stuck with me

And congratulations you have just spent 24 hours in my head. Not good at the moment. But I know why. And I know how to fix it.

I would come on here and tell you all the good things that have been going on. Inspire you to keep pushing. But is it realistic? Yes it can be. It can be all good. I can be easy when in the right frame of mind. But I wanted to be honest and show that sometimes it can be shitty again. But whats important is to recognise what's going on and WHY.

I have been working too much, taking too much on. Not looking after myself. Not eating well enough. Not exercising at all. Not making time for things to help me relax. and I feel that's what I need to focus on now. Natural positivity. But again most importantly im not living in the now. Im not enjoying the moment. I am miles ahead of myself freaking myself out with 'what ifs' that haven't even happened yet. Time to slow down. Chill out and BREATHE!!!

No wonder im exhausted with my head spinning over those subjects ALL day and I mean ALL day. How on earth im not back on the ciggies I will never know but I guess it shows a strength. A strength that I know I have within. And its the strength im holding onto now and I know this, like every other downer, will pass

Live in the now people. Dont dwell on the past or worry about the future. Baby Steps. Day to Day. Breathe. Relax. Be calm. Breathe. Relax. Be calm xxx

Christmas, New Year & New Beginnings

2013-01-08T19:53:00.000Z

Hello lovely blogland peeps Let me first say Merry Christmas, Happy New year, Happy Thanksgiving and happy birthday.... if i have missed any other greetings then i apologise profuseley!!! It has been a crazy month and i just have not had the time OR the energy to update my blog so here i am with an overdue update.

So i ended my last post talking about a psychic, a new man and a job. And since i should keep things in date order to make it simple i will start with the job.

As the winter months approached I found myself and Nathan spending less time outdoors and becoming less active. As always this was beginning to affect my mood and it was a major case of groundhog day for me. Every day felt like an exact replica of the one before, and the one before that. I was getting fed up, anxious and irritable. What to do?

On facebook one night i noticed a women i know who has a hair salon discussing looking for a new receptionist. I know the salon was well within my comfort zone, and i already knew the girls who worked there. Not very well, they have no idea about my agoraphobia, but enough that i wouldnt feel totally out of my depth at my first job in 10 years!! And so i sent the woman i private message and put myself forward. It was a Thursday night and within about 10 minutes i was told i could start on the Saturday morning.

I was totally delighted. I knew the work would never be a huge challange but that wasnt what it was about for me. it was about getting back out there, meeting new people and gaining some confidence!Plus after so many years unempolyed it would be the much needed start to a new CV.

Of course i was worried that i wouldnt be able to do it. Being tied to appointment times can make me nervous enough so the thought that i would be expected in the salon at a specific time seemed daunting but the fact that i would be expected to stay there for 8 hours and not run home made me really unsure. But i wanted to do it, i felt i NEEDED it and so i started that Saturday morning and i havent looked back.

It was originally only supposed to be a Saturday i was working, which suited me fine. It would be breaking me in gently. But with December being their businest month, i soon found myself working everyday from 9 - 6. It was tiring and really hard to juggle work and Nathan, but i enjoyed it. Ive never once felt anxious in the shop. I feel like my old self before all the anxiety crap started. I chat away to customers and i have surprised myself with how out going i must seem (if only they knew eh). No one there knows about my past struggles or my 'agoraphobia' and i dont see why they need to. It doesnt affect me at all in there and so im just one of the girls. The christmas 'work night out' could have awkward as it was miles away and i couldnt possible attend, but i couldnt get a baby sitter anyway so i didnt really have to explain that one.

Joining the salon has made it possible for me to meet other girls to socialise with, which was another reason i was keen on the position. There are about 7 regular staff members and its been great being girly again and catching up on the latest gossip. One Sunday night we all decided to head to the pub for some karaoke. After a few dodgy numbers from myself i spotted a guy i knew across the bar. This guy had always caught my eye, and for some reason i had always imagined he would be ideal for me.

He came over to join me and we got chatting, for some reason a voice in my head was niggling that i should ask for his number. I felt that if i didnt just take the oppurtinity to do it, id regret it. So i came out with it (how very brazen!!) and he looked delighted. So obviously this was the man i had mentioned in my last post. I could go into detail here but to be honest its pretty pointless. he was lovely, and everything i thought he would be. An absolute gentleman, polar opposite of what i was used to. Wine, Flowers, chocolates, compliment after compliment. He was everything i have always wanted in a guy and i couldnt believe i had found it. He accepted me 100% as i am, or at least he said he did, but in the end i just didnt want it. Ive gotten quite used to being on my own with Nathan and im enjoying it. For far too long i was living my life, firstly for Nathan, and second for my ex. And its been nice to just have some 'me' time again. So im keeping it that way for a while or at least till i meet someone who really sweeps me off my feet and so far thats just not happened.

So December was proving to be a really tough month with work, and Nathan and christmas approaching. I was sensing Nathan was changing towards me but i knew it was just because i was suddenly away all the time. he didnt understand what was going on and he was becoming quite clingy and very moody! So it was either my absence or the start of the terrible twos uh oh. Guilt crept in as it always does, that not only was he not getting enough stimulation everyday, but now he wasnt getting to see me enough and it was at this point that my friend made a lovely suggestion.

She reminded me of a nursery right next to my work where Nathan would be able to join when he turned 2. yeh it would be private and i would have to pay for it, but the fees werent too ridiculous and it was absolutely worth it to get Nathan socialising with other children and of course to get his education started. I went for a meeting hoping we would be put on a waiting list and would hear back asap but even better i was told he could start the following week. Nathan now attends nursery every Monday and Wednesday afternoon and he absolutely loves it. He is mixing with his own little friends, getting involved in all sorts of activities like arts & crafts etc and it came at the perfect time for christmas. he had his christmas party and he got to meet Santa and his reindeer. I have loved seeing his confidence grow, never a shy boy, but im proud as punch watching him interact with his class mates. The moods swings havent been so bad and he actually claps his hands when he seens us approach the nursery building so im pretty confident i made the right decision with this one.

The psychic, again ill keep this brief. I have seen psychics before and have always seen it as a bit of fun, not something to take too seriously, but its been a long time since i had a reading and i fancied getting another one done. It was also an excuse to have all the girls round to mine for drinks and food and just have a laugh. So i booked a guy who came recommended and we all got together to hear our predicitons.

As with most of my readings theres a lot wrong, and also a lot right. He began with 'well Lynn i see your a bit of a party animal', clearly he could not be more wrong. I was getting ready to be thoroughly disappointed but he soon went into discussing my last relationship and the fact i went through a difficult time. He knew all about court and went on to describe what had happened to me and the mental, physical abuse that occured. Then there was a slight contradiction where he said 'the relationship is rekindling and in January the same thing will happen again (i.e i will be physically hit), but then said in April i will be buzzing because i will have stuck to my guns and won the battle with my ex. I wont have taken him back and i will be a much stronger person because of it. The January part really scared me and for a few days i was understanably nervous but im over it now. I know it wont happen because im not daft enough to put myself in a position where it COULD happen. Watch this space.

So Christmas was very welcome as it meant that the madness of work was over. Finally i was off and had absolutely nothing to do for a few days. Bliss!! Also throughout december the jewellery business really took off so juggling all these things together was an absolute nightmare so when christmas arrived i was more than ready to put my feet up and eat myself into oblivian! I enjoyed a nice meal with my mum and then went home with Nathan to play with all the goodies Santa had generously left that morning. As New Year approached i decided i wanted to go out. Having spent many many new Years at home, anxious, panicking, i felt i wanted to make the most of getting out and enjoying myself. I managed to get tickets for a pub near by and expected to meet lots of girls i knew once i was there. The place was jumping but i didnt know as many people as i thought. However, i was glad i went and brought in 2013 with a smile, a drink and some bagpipes. Scottish style!!

So did you guys make any New Year resolutions?? Ive never bothered before but this year i made the half hearted decision that i would finally quit cigarettes. Ive been a smoker for 15 years now and i LOVE my ciggys. My whole day was based around 'fag breaks', quite sad really. But i used to really look forward to when Nathan went to bed and i would get my feet up and happily puff away till my heart was content. For years though it has been taking its toll, and more recently i was getting worried about my breathing. I couldnt walk far at all without being breathless, way more breathless than a girl of my age should be! I would wake up maybe 2 or 3 times a night purely to smoke infact i could list many many bad points to my habit but why go on. At the end of the day we all know that smoking is bad for us and we should stop! So the 1st of January came and with a packet of fags in my pocket i decided i would just carry on. I LOVED smoking. I really didnt want to stop, and so i felt that while i loved it so strongly, there was no point in trying to quit because i would just fail at the first hurdle.

I dont really know what happened. Maybe it was the state of my breathing and the fact i had to pysically stop walking to fill my lungs but on the 2nd of January i smoked my last cigarette. I kept my packet and told myself that if i really wanted one, id have one, but to just give it a go. Really see how long you can go without one. That first day was hard, cigarettes and smoke and nicotine was all i thought about. Day 2 was the same. But my stubborn streak took over and i knew then and there that i would never be a smoker again. if i had already made it 48 hours without a cigarette then surely i had made it through the most difficult part. Surely thats when my cravings would be the strongest? I did have a little help though, i had heard about the electronic cigarettes and how they can help you to quit, so when i was REALLY desperate for a smoke on day 2, i went and bought one and it totally worked! As i sucked on that thing with all my might i felt myself relax and the craving subside. I used it again when i was having a tough time but as the days passed i started to use it less and less. That was a week ago. I am now a non smoker. I am SO proud of myself. I have to say for me it has been easy. Much easier than i ever imagined it would be. Which is what put me off trying to stop in the first place. Yes there were tough times, but they are totally managable with distraction and will power. To be sitting here now, not stinking of smoke, with ashtray breath, smelly clothes and genuinley not wanting a cigarette, its been more than worth it. Im finding it much easier to breathe already. Im noticing changes when im out walking. I look healthier! Im no longer an attractive shade of grey when i get up in the morning, and i just know im going to notice more and more benefits. Its only been a week so i dont want to get to ahead of myself but i know myself, and i know i have cracked it. I have no desire to smoke again but am loving the fact that every day my body gets a little cleaner. Nathan will never look at his mum with a cigarette hanging out her mouth or have her smokey breath all over him. Why would i want to change that?

It surprised me how strong i was, how stubborn. It has reminded me what is possible when we REALLY put our minds to something. A few months ago i wrote a post describing the feeling of dread as the winter months approached. I was anxious about the weather, but seasonal depression. I was forward thinking and expecting a really dull and gloomy time but here we are in January, the worst of our winter passing, and i feel great. I have been active and sociable, resposible, happy, confident. I feel this post was over due as i like you guys to know whats been happening but i also feel it really isnt anxiety or agoraphobia based, which is what you come here to read is it not? I hope that you have stepped into 2013 with confidence in mind. I am looking forward to the summer which i LOVE and im looking forward to new challenges. Hopefully we can share them together x

Separation Anxiety, Cherish, Reiki, Halloween & Christening PHEW

2012-12-04T00:12:00.001Z

Lots to tell. LOTS to tell....Where to begin.

OK separation anxiety. Ive always had a few issues with this. Firstly, i was very attached to my mum for many years and didn't want her leaving me for any length of time. But i FORCED myself to work through that with an hour here and there. Determined not to rely on other people to keep me calm and also because i didn't want to be a huge burden on her. Then she went to America for a 5 week holiday and I was absolutely fine. So i cracked it. Since then I have obviously left the family home and although i wouldn't like her travelling to the other side of the world, the anxiety has gone.

And now theres Nathan. When I know he is going out for the day with someone, I look forward to the break, but i also feel a sense of dread, because i KNOW that when he leaves I'm going to feel uncomfortable. As usual it is a control thing. If he goes out and i panic and want him home, how quickly can the person he is with return him? What if that person doesn't have a car but is having to take a bus or 2? That will take ages and by then ill be ready for the nut house. Even worse is when he goes out with his gran who has no phone. So not only can i not get him back, but i have absolutely no idea where he is.

The rational side of my head tells me to chill out. Nathan needs his days out, i need the break. Most times when he leaves I'm a little uptight, but it soon passes and i actually start to relax and enjoy my time off. For a while I actually looked forward to his days out, knowing he was being entertained and i could do... well nothing! Ah bliss.

But as the winter crept in, and my mood darkened along with the early nights, that familiar anxiety crept back.

A few months ago my mum decided she would take Nathan out for the day and as soon as she mentioned it, i was uneasy. I told myself i would not give into this. Is not fair on Nathan and i NEEDED some 'me' time. So the morning of the 'day out' arrived and i got up bright and early and got everything organised. Breakfast, check. Bath, check, Bag prepared, check. Nathan looking handsome. check check check. Mum arrived and took Nathan away and i immediately felt the anxiety grow. 'Ok Lynn, chill out! This is going to pass, Nathan will have a great day and you will enjoy yours too'. Rapid heart beat, urgent need for the bathroom (you know what I'm talking about), sitting in the cool bathroom the anxiety wasn't subsiding like it usually would. 'Ok Lynn stay strong, this will pass'. Rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, turning stomach, dizziness. 'Can i cope with this for another 5 hours'? No.... NO NO NO NO

The anxiety turned to full blown panic and i gave in. No way could i ride that roller coaster for another 5 hours. usually i look for distraction and so i thought of people i might be able to visit, or who could come to me and keep me sane, but on this particular day i knew no body was available. And so i done the one thing i promised myself i would never do. I called my mum,

'Have you got on the bus yet'? As soon as she said No i was throwing on any clothes i could find and i was out the door and in the car shaking like a mad woman. Within minutes i had reached the bus stop and highly ashamed I got Nathan into the car in front of a crowd of people, no doubt wondering what was going on. My mum was understanding but her friend looked less than impressed. I could tell she thought i was being completely selfish, but at that point i couldn't care less. I just wanted Nathan with me and the panic to stop. And it did.

Back home i got back into a state of calm and tried to provide Nathan with a fun filled entertaining day. He was none the wiser to what had actually gone on but inside i was wracked with guilt. I still don't think i would have coped that day had i let him go. it would have been very unpleasant, but i only caused myself major anxiety in the future.

I had never given in like that before and now i wondered how i was going to manage the next time someone wanted a day out with Nathan. For Nathan and for myself, we need those days apart. There was no way i could just bring and end to them. That's so unfair on him. but as people started to mention taking him a trip here or there i was pretty terrified. I didn't want him to go, but i knew avoiding it was going to cause bigger problems.

It became such an issue that i decided to contact my coach Rashelle, who Ive mentioned before. Luckily she had a free space available and decided to try some reiki on me. Rashelle visited my house and we discussed the situation. After a lengthy chat we got down to work. With any therapy Ive always been asked to give my anxiety a number from 1-10, before and after the treatment. And yes, after the reiki my anxiety had significantly dropped. I felt totally relaxed, calm and enjoyed it thoroughly. However, pretty much as soon as Rashelle left, i knew i still didn't feel good about it.

So Nathans gran, without the mobile phone, decided she wanted to take him for a day out. She would be over on the Tuesday morning and they would be gone all day. Time for a pep talk!

'Ok Lynn, you are going to face up to this and you are NOT going to avoid it. Avoidance is THE worse way to handle this! You will let it all go ahead and you will be fine. Should you panic, then too bad!! Go into your bedroom and roll around the bed, climb the walls or howl at the moon i don't care, your doing it'!!

Full of determination, i got up on the Tuesday morning and very quickly changed my mind. Nah i wasn't really liking the idea of what was to come. I needed a plan. I needed a way to get out of this happening. And so i decided that when Anne arrived Id be very apologetic and explain that my dad has Nathans pram in his car and unfortunately had decided to go out somewhere without letting me know. Oh dear id be so so very sorry. id offer tea and cake and id suggest she spend some time with Nathan locally. That would work!

Anne arrived and i explained our predicament. I was so sorry, but since it was a horrible rainy day, and since Nathan would refuse to walk everywhere for 4-5 hours, it would be crazy to take him out. 'Not a problem Lynn, not ideal but I'm sure we will manage'. Uh oh, i didn't see this coming! Since Anne had travelled a reasonable distance and my excuse hadn't worked, i felt i couldn't argue. So i was going to have to power through. When i asked where they were going she simply replied, 'ah not sure'. OK so shes got no mobile phone, she doesn't know where shes going. She will take at least 2 buses to wherever she decides to go, but in that whole time i will have NO way of contacting her.

Anne and Nathan left hand in hand and although i was happy for him i was terrified for me. There was nothing else for it but full on distraction. In the following 5 hours i was like a fiend. I cleaned my house, and i mean CLEANED. Every nook and cranny got scrubbed and bleached. Still with too much time to spare i painted. I painted FOUR rooms!! Still i had time to spare so i cleaned cupboards, threw out rubbish, put things up the loft. I hung shelves!! and when i still had an hour left i got in my car and paid my cousin a visit. When i look back i can laugh. I was absolutely exhausted by the time Nathan came home and definitely didn't have a day off. But it was a productive day, i didn't panic, and i felt i had fought a few demons. Since then hes been on a few more days out and i haven't felt half as bad as i did on the day i panicked.

Why was that day so different to the others? I'm again wondering if hormones can play a part in feeling higher anxiety levels.

Neve is still a regular visitor and i was delighted that she was able to join us for Halloween. Theres nothing huge to report about this but thought i would include some of the photos we took. Nathan was a werewolf, and really didn't like his costume as you can see. Neve was a witch and i was some kind of scary doll puppet thing?? We had a great time ducking for apples and carving pumpkins before i took the kids trick or treating. Neves bag was over flowing when i dropped her home and she said it was the best night of her life. I was absolutely delighted.

Then it was Nathans Christening.

The day itself went really well. The service was lovely. Nathan was well behaved and everyone enjoyed themselves. I was a little nervous when i seen how many people had packed out the church. there were 4 kids all being christened (or baptised) that day and so i soon realised id have to get up on stage in front of all these people, in this massive church, well away from any escape route. So most of the service i just sat there willing it to hurry up. My legs were quite shakey and i wasnt sure if they would carry me up to the alter (especially in my massive heels). Before i knew it, it was time to face the music and thankfully i was ok. Nathan was a huge distraction as he was full of beans and running around crazy. I played chase and done my best to keep him calm untill it was his turn to be baptised. He was the ONLY child who wouldnt be held by the minister but insisted on staying with me. This was fine as the extra weight kept me firmly rooted to the ground. It was always meant to be a small affair and so instead of a big party Afterwards everyone just headed back to my house. I was stressed at this point. People were hungry and looking to be fed and watered and so i was busy running around, literally with a note pad, playing waitress.

Everyday without fail, i take my medication at 1.30. Always have! yeh i know i am probably being over cautious but its just the way I am. My phone has an alarm to remind me of the time so i will never possibly forget. So, I'm running around like crazy making food when i realised it was time to take my tablet. Got the packet of pills out, noticed there was only one pill in the packet, took it, and got on with my cooking. My alarm went a few minutes later 'ok i can put that off since i have taken my tablet'. Everyone fed, lots of happy customers, i mean family. 'Thanks for coming and goodbye'

Phew, feet up and relax. Clearing away the mess i noticed the packet of pills winking at me on the table, And yes, there was ONE tablet still in it. OK, i either miscounted the first time OR i haven't taken it at all.

Now usually that thought would send me into total panic. Having never missed one id be worried about what to expect. The rational Lynn would say 'nothing is going to happen. You've missed one pill! No big drama here. You've been on them for that long that you'll still have plenty in your system. You'd need to miss them for days before you'd feel a thing'. The worrier in me was a bit more concerned with what to do now. My medication specifically says on the leaflet that should you miss one, then just leave it. Don't take anything and just continue at the correct time on the day you remember. So i was surprisingly very calm and very rational. I decided i would just carry on with my day and id take them at 1.30 on the Monday.

About an hour later i felt really weird. Dizzy. Disconnected, Anxious. Well that's all i needed to feel to be honest. It was all i needed to send my brain into overdrive! And so i panicked. and i panicked. and i panicked. For the first time in about 4 years i needed to call my mum for help. I needed her to come and get Nathan while i got myself back into a state of calm. Luckily although the panic was awful, i was completely handling it. I knew it was rising and falling. I knew i was going to be OK, and i just had to ride it out. Now i know people might say it was all in my head, or that i brought it on myself with over thinking, but i stick to the fact that i DID NOT FEEL RIGHT. Even the anxiety was different. very bizarre. I ended up calling an emergency number for advice. Eventually i got to speak to a doctor who told me that missing one pill couldn't have caused those symptoms. He told me i could take a tablet now, or even just half a one, then take my normal dose tomorrow. I took a half straight away, and whether it was psychological or not, it worked. I felt myself relax and the rest of the night was normal. BUT the reason i mention it is the following day i began my period and I'm definitely noticing my anxiety changing at this time of the month. I always have done, but its MORE noticeable than ever. I'm keeping a close eye on it now anyway and if it happens again then ill definitely be mentioning it to my doctor.... i still don't know if i missed a tablet or not lol .

The jewellery business if going quite well. Word is spreading and Ive had enough sales to keep me going and keep me pursuing it. Especially with Christmas coming i could use the extra pocket money. Id be grateful to anyone who could 'like' us on facebook or just spread the word. It was very difficult at first to find a balance between seeing to Nathan and starting the business online but now that Cherish is up and running its not been so hard.

Sometimes i write a blog and get a sense of achievement, that Ive written a good piece... well I'm not getting that tonight. It seems a bit messy and rushed, but i was aware of the weeks and weeks since my last post so i really just wanted to get something published asap. I have been super busy with the things Ive mentioned, plus weve both had flu and a horrible winter vomitting bug and now of course the lead up to Nathans birthday and Christmas, but its slowly coming together. I hope you guys are all good and well. I will try and not leave such a long gap between posts next time and ill be back before Christmas to tell you about a job, a psychic and a new man! Byeee x

Shameless Advertising

2012-10-15T10:50:00.003+01:00

Hi guys i wonder if you can help. Im trying to start a little project. Maybe even a business although its very fresh so not sure how it will go.

If you have facebook could you please like or share this page?

It would be a great help thank you muchly :)

http://www.facebook.com/messages/633203086#!/pages/Cherish-Jewellery/236961666430196

Letter To Myself

2012-10-11T23:24:00.002+01:00

(My foot and Nathans foot)

Welcome back panic attacks. Oh how i have missed you so... not.

Its been years since ive really had one. Ive had a few anxious days here and there. And maybe even the start of a panic attack, but ive had enough control to quickly bring it to an end. And so its always just WONDERFUL when they pop up, you know that way they do, just to remind you that they can.

Its only been in the past week. I could feel the anxiety looming. Felt that familiar churning in the pit of my stomach. Had a few unwelcome thoughts. Not been feeling as comfortable in certain situations. And so when it came to a head, and i had a panic attack... well i panicked. My mind was in overdrive. Why is this happening? What if this is going to be the one i cant control? Are these back for good? Am i going to go backwards now? How can i look after Nathan properly if im dealing with these everyday. Is this going to rub off on him and one day he will suffer them too? What if i blackout for the first time ever, when im with Nathan? What if i cant breathe? I dont have any paper bags and they are meant to help.

Negative thought after negative thought.

Picturing the worst outcome in every scenario totally adding fuel to the fire. All this equals one stressed out anxious me. And although i have gained some rationality again, and am feeling back to normal, i decided to have a word with myself.

Dear Lynn.... Dear Dear Lynn,

When are you gonna learn? Jeez woman will you chill out? How many times have we been here huh? How many years have you been having these silly little 'turns' and freaking yourself out? Has experience taught you nothing? ITS GOING TO PASS. IT ALWAYS DOES.

Ok, i remember when you just started having the panic attacks, you had them over and over again all day. But Lynn it was new and scary back then. You didnt know what was going on. But now you do! You know how to deal with it and you deal with it well.

Remember in the past when you panicked, or even felt slightly anxious? You would hide away in your room. Not really talking to anyone. Avoiding everything, avoiding life! Just trying to keep it together. But really you were probably just sitting there OVER thinking and making it worse.

How about instead of doing that, you get up off your ass, you take a deep breath, hold your head up high and say 'Im not taking this shit again'. Because you dont NEED to. Stop sitting there thinking mental thoughts and freaking yourself out. Stop analysing every senstion in your body and dramatising it, convincing yourself things are about to get really bad. Get up, stand tall and tell the panic 'Not today thanks, im actually kind of busy'.

Go wash the dishes, stick some good music on and sing at the top of your voice. Dance, play with Nathan. I bet, as your doing it, the anxiety will subside and if it doesnt? Who cares,?? Your getting on with your day and not allowing it to take over.

Every Autumn you do this to yourself Lynn. You dont like the change in season, i know this. You dont like the dark nights creeping in, the coldness. the bad weather. Your already imagining a horrible winter arent you? You cant take Nathan out in that weather so its gonna be tough. Your gonna be depressed. Everyday will be like groundhog day. Youll get lower and more anxious. And then theres the fog and the snow that you have no control over. You hate that. Your car starts acting up and you arent able to get out as much. You have no control over any of this and so you get anxious. And as that anxiety creeps in you make it worse. You allow yourself to feed these thoughts. Well how about you dont? How about you stop looking to the future and GUESSING how your gonna be before its even happened? How about you take it day by day... hour by hour even. Start living in the NOW. Not next week or next month. Who told you that you had psychic abilities... cause you dont!

Can i also point out that its that time of the month. You know the time im talking about. You know you always feel slightly more on edge at this point. Your also worrying way too much about money. Christmas, and court. Dont you think all of this combined could be the cause?

Instead of scaring yourself and falling into this negative process, let me remind you that you do this every year at this time. Let me tell you that your not entering madness and your not about to revert back to the old Lynn who panicked constantly. You think this every year. I get exasperated with you. Its just the change in season and in a few weeks, even a few days, youll be right as rain. As a veteran in dealing with this stuff let me also tell you... youve already experienced the worst of it. Youve never collapsed and blacked out. Youve never stopped breathing. Youve never needed to call an abulance or rushed yourself to the hospital. Youve never lost the use of your legs. So what makes you think thats gonna happen this time? Surely that stuff would have happened before when you had no knowledge of panic. You didnt understand it was only adrenalyn. You didnt know how to sit down and breath deeply. You didnt know that distraction helps. But now you DO know all those things.

So ok say you have a panic attack, and im not gonna lie, they are pretty horrendous, but say you do. really whats gonna happen? Well let me tell you. Your gonna have a rapid heart beat, your gonna sweat, get wet palms. your going to feel as if your disconnected from reality. Your probably going to quickly question what to do. Do you call for help, do you try to get some air. youll get yourself worked up and make it even worse for a second. Your mind will be running at 100mph, Your inner voice will scream 'This is horrible. Oh my god make this stop i hate it!!!' and then what will happen? Well it will probably stop. It will slowly get less and less. You may sit there feeling weak, physically you might be shaking uncontrollably, but your ok. Your absolutely fine. And yeh maybe for a couple of minutes after it youll feel it rise again...and then fall. And rise and fall. But eventually it wont come back at all.

Its not nice and i know that so im not being cruel, im just being realistic. If you feel it coming on just keep busy. If you genuinley cant avoid it then heres what to do. Go get a glass of water, some wet wipes. Take a seat and face the bastard. Tell yourself 'Bring it on', 'If your gonna come then just come, cause im ready for you and believe me i can handle you'. Take nice deep breaths in through your nose.... hold it, then blow slowly out of your mouth. If you get too hot, fan yourself. If your sweating too much, give yourself a wipe. And when it passes, which it will, give yourself a few minutes and then get up and get on with your day. Youve won. In the past youd have obssessed about it and wondered how to avoid the next one, dont even waste your time, just get on with things.

And while im here can i just discuss Nathan. You are killing yourself with guilt here. Stop it. Everyday you beat yourself up about what hes NOT getting to do everyday. You think your boring him and hes lacking stimulation because you cant take him many places. You watch the clock and give yourself such a hard time if it reaches noon and you havent had him outside yet. Jeez Lynn seriously, lighten up! Instead of looking at what your not doing with him, look at what you ARE doing. You love that boy and shower him with so much affection. You play with him, you read to him, you draw, you educate him. You sing together, dance together. Go walks, drives, go shopping, go see friends. Just because hes not surrounded by kids out playing all day doesnt mean he has a bad life. Hes got a great life! Many other poor kids arent so fortunate. Do you see how happy he is? How confident? Could that maybe, just maybe, be something to do with you and the fact hes in a secure and loving home? Stop blaming yourself for the days when your too tired to fully give yourself to him. When you sometimes lose patience and need some 'time out'. Being a parent is exhausting. Being a single parent is even harder. Your boy is doing great, and hes happy. So relax!!

Lastly, and i dont mean to be soppy, but can i just say i love you. They say 'god loves are trier' and if this is true, he must love you very much. Because i see that you do try Lynn, and you do well! You constantly worry about what others think, but its not important. Let me tell you that i like you. I really do. I think your a great girl, youve very kind. Very generous and you have a good heart. Try to remember that now and then. And if you ever feel a little lost, then just read this letter. Hopefully it will put you back on the right path but in the mean time Lynn, just chill out. Breathe and be happy.

Lots of Love

You

Good Advice from someone whos been there

2012-10-09T23:25:00.000+01:00

I received a comment on my last blog, telling me about this guy Gethards post on his 'Tumblr' page. I enjoyed reading it and thought i would pass it on. I can completely relate to how Gethard feels towards a complete stranger, and also why his message is to never give up.

Anonymous asks: Gethard I know you’ve talked bout depression and anxiety issues before and if you don’t answer this cause it’s a complete downer i understand but I’m curious if you ever had suicidal thoughts. I admire you and your show and have just been in a really bad place lately. I used to see your show as the last thing I had to look forward to but I haven’t even been back for months and can’t even bring myself out the door to get there without panicking. I’d appreciate any advice really.

I just got this message and am going to answer it. Anonymous, this one is just for you, but since this came into our inbox anonymously I have to post it publicly. My apologies. I feel very unsure of if this is right to post this, but I want to help if I can. Anyone else can feel free to skip reading this one. - Geth

The first thing I need to say is don’t do it.
I repeat, whatever you are thinking about doing right now, I want to seriously implore you to not do it. I know you’re in a place where you’re scared and you’re confused and things seem like they aren’t going to get better, but I personally can promise you that things can and probably will change for the better. And the reason I can promise you this is that they got better for me.
You are feeling alone and I know first hand that in this mind state you feel like no one even wants to help or knows how. I know that feeling of reaching out to people and feeling them either ignore these feelings or demonstrate a complete inability to connect with any way that matters to you. I know how scary it is to need to connect with someone and to be unable to, I know how that makes you feel even crazier when you try to connect with someone and it doesn’t stick.

But I want you to know I saw your message about thirty seconds ago and I’m already writing this. I stopped everything else because even though you are anonymous to me, I want you to know that I care about you and your well being. I have a ton of shit to do. I was up way too late last night writing, and today I have all sorts of writing and show organizing to do. I need to go stand on line at the fucking post office to mail some shirts, on top of organizing this week’s episode which I’m stressed about, and the next two weeks episodes which I’m even more stressed about, and on top of all of that there’s IFC stuff to both write and organize, there’s worrying about a check I’ve been waiting forever for and that I need to pay my rent and maybe having to make some calls to deal with that. I need to buy new car insurance and switch my address on all my banking forms. And then on top of THAT, outside of being busy, there’s a conversation with myself about if I’m opening the door to all sorts of issues by even answering this on a public blog, if it is my place to answer this at all.

But I am dropping all of those concerns right now. They can go on the back burner. And the reason that can all go on the back burner is that I want you to know that I care about you. I care about you very deeply, me personally, I care about you. And I don’t even know who you are. You sent your message in anonymously and I can’t presume to know who sent it. But you are a person and you’re in a lot of pain and you need help, and as another human who has been in at least similar pain, I want you to know - I care so much about you. If it turns out that you’re already one of my best friends in the world, I care about you. If you’re someone I’ve literally never interacted with in any way before this, I care about you. You are a person and you’re in pain and that makes me care. That makes a lot of people care. I would stop on the street if I saw someone crying. I’d ask if they’re ok. Tons of people would. And even though it doesn’t seem like it right now, there are tons of people like that in your life and who you might randomly come across who would genuinely care and and want to stop and help and make sure you get through this, and make sure you get the help you need. I promise you. There’s so, so, so many people you might come across - from your own sister to total strangers - who would be willing to do their part and listen to you just because it’s the right and kind thing to do. Because you deserve that kindness.

So yeah, on my end - you reached out. I shut off my phone and I closed all my other browser windows and I’m writing this, because you are a person that deserves this time and attention.
So please, the only thing I ask in return for me giving you this time is that you don’t do it. That you take a breath and maybe at some point today take a walk and breathe some fresh air and try to clear your head and that you not do it, not today. I’ll give you my time and attention and thoughts and energy, and the only thing I’m asking in return is that you recognize that this is someone caring and that you do your best to let that get through. Ok? Deal? Honestly, if I had your email address I’d write to you there, but you came in anonymous and this is my only option, but I’m not talking to anyone else right now, I’m talking to you. It’s me and you and I consider this a personal one on one interaction and I want to make that deal with you - you reached out for help and I want to give you my time and do my best to offer up that help - and in return, I just want you to do your best to relax a little bit and not take any action that I promise you will regret and will make so many people so, so heartbroken.

People love you. I know they do. And you know that too. This may be a weird thing to post in a public blog, but I don’t even know who you are and I promise you that I love you. Despite all my flaws and weirdness and professional drive that can shut people out and my inability to ever stop working and my inability to feel comfortable outside of the bubble of my little comedy world, I’m a big softie at my core and I’m a person who’s been through a lot on my own and I came out on the other side and I just have so much love for the world and for people, and I promise you that I don’t even know you but that the love I have for people in general extends to you personally. We all have problems, and you can see even in this paragraph that I beat myself up too, but lean on the love you have for the world and know that there are other people who love it so much that it can also make them as sad as it’s making you right now. There are other people out there like you - I’m one of them. We feel so much love when we feel it, but the trade off is we feel pain just as big. And love can often sting if it’s not requited, while pain only needs you as a receptor. I get it. I know what it feels like to feel emotions in a way that you know is much bigger than most people feel them. But this pain will pass, and it will be replaced by an equal and to be honest probably even bigger feeling of joy and love. At some point those feelings will come along and wash over you as much as the pain you’re feeling right now, and I just want to beg you to push through this painful stretch, because to someday feel love and joy as big as the pain you’re feeling in this moment will be SO, SO worth it.

To answer your question directly - yes, I have had suicidal thoughts in my life. You are not alone.
I first remember having them around eighth grade. And then, during my freshman year of high school, I was being bullied pretty bad in my lunch room by a group of kids a year ahead of me. They were throwing food at my friends and I, and no one was stopping it. There was one kid, Scott Hansen, who was the worst one of all. Because you knew he was more like us then them and was just going along with it out of fear and pressure and to throw the food so as to not be the guy getting food thrown at him. So this shit was getting real bad and I talked to two different teachers and neither one of them did anything about it and as a real emotional kid who was already clearly heading into depression issues, I just plunged into an awful, awful place. And I brought a razor to school with me, and my plan was to wait until he threw food at me, then to talk to a teacher who I knew wouldn’t care, then to go to the bathroom and cut my wrists so they’d both feel horrible about themselves forever. That was a very melodramatic 14 year old kid instinct, and obviously I didn’t do it, but I think back and still get scared because I actually brought the razor with me. I took enough action to do that. Scary shit.

But you want to know the funny part? I was 14 and didn’t really get how anything worked in life and the razor I bought was a Bic single use disposable face razor. I’m glad I didn’t take the plunge, because it would have taken about half an hour to hack through my wrist with that thing. What a fucking dummy! Also, I’m amazed no one asked me why I had a Bic disposable razor on me, as I wouldn’t be able to grow any facial hair for another decade.

Things got REALLY bad for me in college and I went through a few stretches where I was very much having suicidal thoughts. I had been depressed all through high school and college, and look back and realize I had a few panic attacks in high school and had absolutely no idea what they were. But in college they got really frequent and really bad and I remember by my senior year they were out of control. I remember having a panic attack that came on so suddenly and so severely that I collapsed to the floor on the spot. I was alone in my bedroom and just fell to the ground, unable to breathe, my face going pins and needles, feeling heat spread over my entire body. I had constant stretches where I would be totally manic and where I felt like I was so out of control that I was listening to my own thoughts instead of thinking them myself. I tried to talk to a few people about it and no one really seemed to understand what I was going through, they thought that I was being melodramatic.

And I’ll tell you - there was one day where I just broke. I couldn’t handle that being how I lived anymore. I sat in my room in total darkness playing a keyboard for hours. Just so you know, I don’t know how to play a keyboard. I was just fucking jamming out in the dark by myself. Again, I think back to that and remember that I was really fucked up and out of control, but it does make me laugh so, so hard. Just 21 year old Gethard, feeling those blues, sitting in the dark in his room playing a Casio like a madman all night long. It is sort of hilarious to think about now.
But the part that’s not hilarious is that leading up to that things had gotten really dark for me and suicide was seeming like a good idea. And right in the middle of that stretch - dude/lady, not sure which one you are, I’ll just use dude as like the royal catch all dude without attaching gender to it, ok? -

Dude, right in the middle of that stretch I was at work one day at Weird NJ and climbed out of the van we used to make deliveries, and right in the middle of the street was a big fucking vintage badass pocket knife. Like RIGHT on the ground JUST outside the driver’s side door. And of course in my head, I’m like “THAT IS THE KNIFE I’M SUPPOSED TO KILL MYSELF WITH.” Like fate had said “I can see far enough ahead to know that he’ll be parking right there, so I’ll just place this knife there for him.”

So I used to keep that in my pocket. And on that keyboard night, after a few hours of just slamming keys and really expressing my pain through untrained electronic musical expression, I took out the knife and dragged it across the underside of left forearm. I wasn’t pushing very hard, but when I got back towards my elbow I pushed hard enough to break the skin, and then dragged the knife down fair enough that there was about a three inch cut. It wasn’t deep - more of a scratch then a cut - but for the first time I’d actually taken action that lead to pain. I knew that I was physically capable of cutting my wrists.

Maybe 90 seconds after that cut, one of my roommates, Tarik, opened the door to my room and was like “Yo, the keyboard is driving us all fucking insane.” But then he stopped because he saw that I was sitting in total darkness and even though I couldn’t see him yet I could feel that he was concerned. And he turned on the light and he looked at me and the first thing he said was “How did you get that cut?” And I was real cracked out and I’m sure he could see that all over my face and I lied and said I got it at work and bumped it against something and re-opened it.

And he did NOT believe me. He didn’t bring it up again, but he sat down in my room and we shot the shit and a little while into that conversation I realized he was looking out for me. And he didn’t bring up my feelings directly, but that’s because we were both 21 year old kids and he didn’t know how. But he stayed with me until I was laughing and it was clear I was feeling better and he helped get me through a night that he rightfully suspected was almost much worse than it was.

I had another friend like that too, my sophomore year. I wrote a book earlier this year and one of the chapters is about how during my sophomore year shit really hit the fan for me and also I lived with a roommate who tormented me bad and how my other roommates found it funny. And in the book I do my best to make that essay funny, but I’m telling you that I never felt more alone and it was in my own house and it was in a stretch where I felt totally unsafe and not just like people didn’t have my back but like they were actively against me. And I was really on the brink of trouble at some points. But I had this roommate Jeff, one of my best friends to this day. And he had a good computer and he used to stay up late studying and he used to let me sit in his room on the internet while he read for classes, and dude - we didn’t even say much to each other. He just opened his door to me. My one nice roommate let me sit in his room late into the night because he knew the other option was me sitting downstairs in my own room feeling progressively more horrible. And I’m pretty certain that there were a lot of nights where he wasn’t even actually reading. And I’ll tell you something really personal - I’m not the best at opening up to people from that era of my life. I have a lot of scars from where I was at and how I was treated back then. But Jeff and I are still really close. And you should know, Jeff is the best, but he’s also a huge ball buster and hilarious. And a few years ago in a rare moment of vulnerability, I said something like “Jeff, just so you know, you used to let me sit in your room overnight and I honestly think there were a couple nights where you saved my life.” And he looked at me and said “I know,” and then we went back to making fun of each other and talking about The Knicks.

Here’s another one - and this one if my brother or parents happen to read this will be super painful and I’m sure infuriating. But I once totaled my brother’s car, this was after college. And I wrote in a journal I was keeping later that night “I have no idea if I did that on purpose or not.” I crashed the car I was driving into a pick up truck, and the truck forced me into a wall and I hit the wall and flew onto the front lawn of the house this all took place in front of. And I came down hard and the seat belt caught a few inches from the steering wheel. And the car bounced up into the air again and on its way back down I had enough time to think “If that steering wheel doesn’t catch again, my brains are going to get smashed out of my head.” And it caught again. The door of the car, no joke, was smashed in and splinted and big jagged pieces of metal were like right in front of my stomach. A few more inches in the wrong direction and they would have all just stabbed me through my side. Almost immediately, housewives from all the surrounding houses came out and stood on their steps and I heard one yell to the other “Is he dead?”

But worst of all, the dude who drove the pick up truck had walked up to my car and he was NOT happy and he was NOT a sane looking dude. He was a huge muscular black guy who was wearing a flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off and ultra tight jean shorts. He looked nuts. And he was like “Get the fuck out of the car.” And I was like “I can’t, are you ok?” And he was like “Why can’t you get the fuck out of the car?” And I was in complete and total shock and just in a monotone I said “Because the door is completely caved in, but are you ok?” And he was like “Stop asking me if I’m ok. Get out here. I’m gonna fuck you up.”

And then the guy who lived in the house whose front lawn we were on, he came running out like “Whoa whoa whoa! Chill out, he’s just a kid, look at his car, he’s in shock, he’s lucky to be alive, ease up on him, he’s just a kid” all stuff like that. And the dude jumped back in his truck and got out of there. The accident was ABSOLUTELY my fault so I can only assume that he didn’t have a license or something and needed to bounce.

So eventually I climbed out of the car on the other side and still in total shock said to the guy from the house, “Thank you. I think you just saved me from getting my ass kicked.”
And he looked back at me and said “It’s ok. There’s no way I was going to let a nigger beat up a white kid.”
And somehow, things got even more fucked up and depressing! Can you imagine, owing your life to a RACIST? Like that was his main priority, that’s NUTS. What a fucking donkey kick to the head on top of all of the other shit from that day. Like, what do you say? “Thank you for being racist, your vicious racism just saved me?” Jeeeeez.

And I was on a team at UCB at the time and realized I was going to miss a rehearsal, so amongst calling my parents and the tow truck and the police I also called my friend Curtis Gwinn who was on my team at the time. And Curtis lived with John Gemberling. I don’t know if you’re familiar with UCB performers, but John is the best. He always is fucking around and never takes anything seriously. He’s sarcastic and fucked up and funny and always, always on, especially back then.
So John picks up the phone and I’m like “John, it’s Geth, I need to talk to Curtis.” And John realizes it’s me and starts making a baby voice and goes “I’m a BA-by.” And I’m like “John, not now, I really need to talk to Curtis.” And John goes “But don’t you care that I’m a real big BA-by?” And I flipped out and went “JOHN, NOT NOW, PUT CURTIS ON THE FUCKING PHONE” and I was so violent about it I just heard him step back from the phone and put Curtis on. It still makes me laugh to this day.

But yeah, I got home that night and was so so so scared because I have no idea to this day how much I could have prevented that accident and how much I realized it was happening and just kind of went with it. My brother found me later that day curled up on the floor in the fetal position having a panic attack in the corner of a bedroom at my parents’ house. It was not fun!
So to answer your question very bluntly and with no small amount of fear regarding sharing all these stories in public - YES, I have had suicidal thoughts. I have gone too far with them and at least in that way, I know how you are feeling.

I’m not speaking in generalities or hypotheticals when I tell you - I’ve been where you’ve been, and things will get better. And I won’t bullshit you - they’ll get better for a while, then worse again, then better again, etc. But in my experience at least, the longer time goes on, the longer the stretches of the better times get and the shorter the stretches of worse. You learn how to live with what you’re feeling now and you’ll learn how to make those feelings a source of strength in the long run.
Because I can tell you right now - all these stories I just laid out for you are grim, right? Here’s the funny part. Years later, now that the pains that cause those incidents are so far removed from the current state of my life - here’s the things that I think about now when I remember those incidents -
- I don’t think about the asshole who threw food at me or the dickhead teachers who dropped the ball and chose not to care because they didn’t want to deal with it. Those things don’t happen to anymore. Those memories don’t even sting anymore.
What I think about now is how hilarious it is that I brought a single use Bic disposable razor to my school so I could try to melodramatically kill myself in a high school bathroom. A Bic. Disposable. Razor. I am laughing right now thinking about it.
- I don’t think about how fucked up it was that I found that knife and what I used it for.
I think about playing a Casio keyboard in the dark all night. I mean… what the fuck? That’s amazing. Can you imagine if I died and they found my body next to a CASIO KEYBOARD? And all my roommates were like… “Yeah, we don’t know… he was playing a keyboard all night. Didn’t see the suicide coming… Wish we knew that the tinny tones of a battery operated powered Casio keyboard were his cry for help, we would have stepped up. But fuck, it’s a Casio keyboard, who knew?”
- I don’t think about how fucking close I came to getting killed in that car accident and how I still don’t know how much I gave up and let it happen.

I think about how funny it is that after nearly dying and then getting saved by racism, one of the funniest people I know got on the phone and told me he was “a real big baby”. If there has ever been more comical juxtaposition than where I was at and Gemberling doing a bit about how he’s a man-sized baby, I would love to know about it.
I don’t think back on the pain. I don’t think back about how lonely I felt. I don’t think back and give any thought or validity to how much I felt in those times that circumstances would never change. All of that proved untrue.

But like all aspects of life, I think back and remember… the POSITIVE parts. The funny parts. The ridiculous parts. I think back to separate incidents where I had actual suicidal thoughts and at times even dipped my toes into actions, and I laugh. The pain wasn’t permanent. The pain, it turns out, wasn’t even real. It was a passing cloud, and with the perspective of time I realize that they were feelings that reflected not the actual circumstances of my life, but the fact that I was struggling through some shit during those times that masked my ability to see the joy in life around me back then. But now? I can look back at the absolute darkest things and the only reaction I have to them is to laugh at the funny specifics that surrounded them. Even those bring joy.

There’s happiness and love and life all around you. Right now you can’t see it. Seriously - I promise you, from personal experience, you will see that love in things again. This isn’t some bullshit brochure about suicide prevention. This isn’t some health class rhetoric being spit out at you. This is a guy you actually reached out to, actually answering, and actually saying that yes he has been there, and actually saying that if I had gone through with what my impulses were telling me to do, I would have missed out on so many of the absolute BEST parts of my life. Big parts, small parts, tiny moments, and life changing grand adventures, I wouldn’t have seen so many of the things that blew me away with their beauty and what they say about life. I wouldn’t have met SO MANY PEOPLE who have good in their souls and who look to share it every day. I wouldn’t have taken them up on it, and the problems I had that were leading me to want to get the fuck out of here were not equal to those joys. Looking back I realize that the problems and dark times were small when compared to the absolute grand beauty and joys of so many experiences I’ve had since.

And I want to say this, too - I once read a Morrissey quote (big fucking surprise, right?) where a journalist had asked him about having so many sad fans. And how there were suicidal people listening to his sad songs and did he think he was helping people to the cowardly way out. And he said some version of “I actually take offense to calling suicide a cowardly way out. It’s actually quite brave.”

I get what he meant by that, and I bet right now you do too. You aren’t a coward if you can commit suicide. You are actually overcoming every screaming human instinct that wants you to stay alive. To actually take actions that go against every single impulse your body has as an animal, you have to be extraordinarily strong mentally to be able to think your way past the instincts that want you to stay alive. And you do, in a very twisted way, need to be incredibly brave to be able to take physical actions that you know will end your life.

Well if you’re strong enough to turn off those impulses, and you’re brave enough to take those actions, then you’re certainly also strong and brave enough to face this pain and stay alive instead.
You are strong. You are brave. You are beautiful. You are loved. And you have so many experiences ahead of you. There will be more hard experiences ahead of you, but there will also be so many shockingly beautiful ones.

The first time you do something is the hardest time. When I first went to therapy I felt completely defeated and shitty. When I first went on medication, I felt weak, like I should have been able to handle my bullshit myself, I was defeated. There were all sorts of weird side effects then - medications have gotten so much better. It felt like such a valley, such a moment of defeat, like I said.
Well, within two years of going on medication, I found myself driving cross country for the first time. This was 2004. I’ve gone cross country five times since then, it’s just about my favorite thing, driving around this country.

And that first time, there was this stretch. I’m pretty sure it was in New Mexico. And my buddy Nick Mougis was doing the trip with me and he fell asleep, he was out.
And this train rolled by. This big gigantic freight train. And I don’t know how to explain it except to say that the timing of how things worked out meant that for about an hour or two, me and this train were doing this weird dance. I didn’t see any other cars the whole time. I was just along this train in the middle of this vast desert on one side and all this prairie grass type stuff on the other. Then the train would dip in one direction and I’d lose sight of it, then 15 minutes later the highway would bend and the train would come back into view way out on the horizon, then the train would come back towards the highway and I’d see it from a new angle, then the highway would go up on a bridge and the train would duck under it and I’d think that would be it, but then the tracks would curve and the train was on the other side of me and I was seeing it from a whole new angle. That went on for like I said, between an hour or two. My buddy asleep, no other cars, just me and this insane landscape I’d never seen while growing up in the northeast, and this giant freight train that was just weaving around me on different sides of the highway.

I don’t think there’s anyway to make it sound impressive in writing eight years later. I’m not a good enough writer for that. So I’ll just say that I was very aware while this was happening that it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I’d never been more at peace than I was while driving in total isolation, this really good friend of mine sleeping soundly next to me, nature unfolding before me, I was just a small dot of a car somewhere in this vast giant part of America, with no one I knew worried about me, with no anxiety or fear or depression on my mind, there was just me and the sky and the desert and this train. I wanted to cry, not even because I was happy, but because I was so much at peace.

Dude, it was less than two years before that when I crashed a car and immediately realized that I at least partially allowed it to happen in the hopes that I would die. Less than two years. That’s how long it took for me to go from one of the darkest incidents I’ve ever had to something so overwhelmingly beautiful that I know there is no way to describe it to anyone in a way that captures how it made me feel, and how that means that even more than it already was it will be an incident that existed in time only for me, and that because it is something I will never figure out how to capture in words or writing or feeling, it will always remain only mine, and that somehow makes it even more beautiful.

Those experiences are waiting for you. There are things you will see. There are people you will meet. There are experiences you will have. They will blow you out of the water. You will find incidents that make you want to pull your car over to the side of the highway so you can cry about how at peace you feel, but you can’t do it because then the train will pass you by and the euphoria of that experience will end before it has to. And I won’t lie - I’m not a motivational speaker, I’m just a very average person you asked for help and I’m not going to sugar coat anything - you’ll have more heartbreaks, you’ll have more crushing blows, and yes, you will have more incidents where you feel that all hope is gone. Just last weekend, I had a panic attack on stage at UCB, walked off the stage in the middle of a show, and wound up sitting on a bench in Weehawken, NJ, completely scared and crying and lonely and wondering if the cliffs of Weehawken were steep enough that you could die if you jumped off of them. But it never felt as serious as it used to, and it lasted one night with a few weeks of really tough recovery, instead of years and years like that process used to.

I really can’t implore you enough to go get professional help. There’s no shame in it. And if you’re reaching out to a comedian no one has even heard of anonymously over Tumblr, you are smart and brave enough to know you need help. But I’m telling you that I can’t provide that help more than I just did in this writing, and there are people who are trained to help you through this way more sufficiently, and some of them actually know what they’re doing. I’ve met a whole lot of bum shrinks in my day who I didn’t respect. But eventually after a few tries, I’ve found someone who I’ve worked with for five years. She’s wonderful, she doesn’t judge me, she’s been through her own stuff, and she’s heard it all. She is someone who has helped me personally, professionally, emotionally, and spiritually, all by being someone who I trust enough to let see all of my insane sides.

There are people who can help. Please, find someone you trust and allow them to help you. I can’t do it. When you say that my show was the last thing you could look forward to - I’m so, so glad the show provided you happiness, but the show at the end of the day is a comedy show and it might make you feel better for one hour a week, but it can not save you. Help can save you. Find doctors. Call them today. If you don’t have insurance, find someone who will work out a deal and let you pay them later. There are numbers you can call for free right now where someone will sit on the line and hear any crazy shit you want to throw at them and they won’t hang up and they won’t judge you. You can walk into any emergency room in America right now and tell them what’s going on, and they’ll give you a room with a bed and you can turn off your phone and you won’t have to worry about any of this for a while because there will be people looking out for you.

I know that’s true, because when I was in Weehawken, things got bad enough that I knew if I couldn’t talk to my shrink that night I would be checking myself into the psych ward of the nearest hospital within a few hours. I feel ZERO SHAME about that. I had an anxiety attack, it reeled out of control, and I was thinking about putting my phone in my glove compartment so I couldn’t use it to call anyone for help, buying a bottle of whiskey after not drinking for over ten years, and drinking it until I blacked out just to see what would happen. Those were not rational thoughts for me - when my thoughts stop being rational and get that out of control, I know that I need help and I feel absolutely NO SHAME in seeking that help out. My shrink picked up the phone that night. If not, I would have spent a couple days in a hospital. I don’t feel bad at all, I feel zero shame, typing that here where it’s meant for you but anyone in the world might read it. I’m not ashamed at all that I almost wound up in a mental ward a few weeks ago. No skin off my back at all. It happens, it’s a part of my life sometimes, dealing with this stuff.

You need help right now. You asked me for it anonymously on tumblr. You and I both know that this answer might make you feel better, it might make you feel worse, I don’t know, I’m not a medical professional. But no matter how it makes you feel, we both know that it can’t solve your problems, because that’s not who I am and that’s not what this blog is for. But you reached out for help to me - you can reach out for help to other people. You’ve broken the seal on looking for help. Find a doctor. Call a hotline. Go to an emergency room. Please, don’t wait. Go now. Walk out of work. If you’re not at work, go tell a family member they should drive you to the hospital. If you don’t want to tell them you think you’re going fucking nuts, tell them you’re having an asthma attack, then tell the doctor the real truth once you get there. Just go get help. You are strong and you are brave. Be strong and brave enough to go get help.

And please. Always remember that beautiful experiences and massive amounts of love are on their way. If you are able to feel pain and sadness this profoundly, more than most people can ever imagine, remind yourself that you can feel happiness and joy and love this profoundly as well, and that’s our little reward as depressed people. We feel things harder than other people do, and when those things are negative they are complete and total torture. But while we feel pain harder than other people have to, we feel beauty and joy and love harder than anyone else gets to, and that’s the victory that’s waiting on the other side of this pain for you. Hang on. Be tough. Better times are coming. Beautiful things and loving people are already out there, and when this cloud passes you get to experience them all so, so deeply.

Please know that you are loved. Please know that there’s help. It’s right there, right now for you. It is as close as your phone. Call a hotline. Go to a hospital. Don’t wait. Don’t feel stupid. Don’t feel defeated. Most of all, don’t think you can shoulder this on your own. Take action right now and help yourself.

Feel better.
Don’t do it.
I got your back.
Very sincere love to you,
Gethard

More kids and a sleepy Me

2012-08-28T21:06:00.002+01:00

HELLOOOOOOOOOOO

Remember me?? I used to write a blog on here but got a bit caught up in other things and forgot to write a post for almost 2 months. Tut Tut, this just won't do! So here I am Hello my friends :) :) :)

Well, whats been happening in my little bubble lately? Honestly, not much! Meh

Ok so we've had the tale of the ex partner and the day he lost his marbles but luckily things on that front have been pretty quiet. Oh no wait, that's not 100% true. I was contacted by a girl to tell me shes been seeing him since New Year but recently just broke up as she was tired of being treated like dirt. This girl is lovely and has been lied to just like i have through the years. I have no issue with her whatsoever, just another unfortunate victim. But was a little put out that she had spent quite a bit of time with Nathan, which i obviously had no idea about.

And so the bickering with myself and the ex continues. Purely down to the fact he isn't capable of the truth and when it comes to my son i would really like him to respect my wishes. I.e, if he has a new partner can he make sure its serious before involving Nathan, and maybe let me know whats going on (is this unreasonable)? Anyway this has resulted in him kicking off (again) because he doesn't like to live by anyone's rules but his own. This might sound like I'm being unfair but I'm actually describing him perfectly. Having researched some of the things i was faced with in the past, it looks like i was in a 4 year relationship with a sociopath. This has actually freaked me out to be honest, but it explains so much to me and gives me a certain amount of closure. No wonder he had no empathy, patience, loyalty and guilt... hes a sociopath. Now i know the signs i can happily say ill AVOID these types in future and so i look forward to what will be a breeze compared to my previous relationship. I must be strong after all because i have put up with A LOT.

So onwards and upwards as I always say. The summer here has been no existent. A complete washout! So the weather always plays a part in my everyday activites, especially when considering what to do with a little 'un. We've had a few nice walks, a few trips to the park, lots of house visits to other friends and their kids. But really not much with regards to progress. However, due to the relationship breakdown with Nathans dad, he hasn't seen him for a month. This means i get no time out whatsoever. On top of this it seems Nathan has entered the 'terrible two's' a couple of months early.

He is nuts!!! Lots of fun things been happening around here. Where to begin?? Oh he has discovered a lovely noise he makes, which he will repeat for hours on end in the same tone, which is enough to drive the most calm person to the end of their tether.

'argh...argh....argh.....argh.....argh.. a bite, a pull of your hair, argh....argh...argh....throw a toy....argh....argh...argh...have a screaming fit...cry....go limp.....laugh....argh....argh....argh....whats that? whats that? whats that?....argh....argh....argh....juice....want juice.....tantrum.....argh...argh...argh...bite'

That sums about about an hour of my day. Of course there is much more than that going on and it is EXHAUSTING. I'm like a broken record, my new mantra is 'im so tired'. I'm actually sick of hearing myself say it. So perhaps an excuse, but i find it hard to make new plans, look at ways to progress with my 'pushing boundaries', most of the time I'm just trying to stay awake. In between the dirty nappies, dinner breaks and story telling, we have made a few trips but nothing to really rock my world.

Also my mum has decided to give her house a long overdue make over, and so since she suffers arthritis and other ailments, i stepped up as chief painter. So picture me with roller in hand, speeding round the house with Nathan Argh, argh, arghing at my feet. Fun times! This usually patient girl has had a few hissy fits herself! This just equals more exhaustion.

Something i was grateful for this summer was Nathan making himself some friends. For 1 and a half it seems hes quite popular with the local kids, and so it seems is his mum! It seems bizarre that I have 6 and 7 year olds appearing at my door to ask if 'Nathan is coming out' but it relieves a bit of my guilt about not doing much that week. So Nathan and myself will go to the little play areas with all the kids. Yes, when hes older he can go alone but its far to early for that. This means some of the children like to follow us home and have also come into play for a while/wreck the house. Queue more work, more exhaustion.

One of the little kids who started to appear was a 7 year old girl called Neve. Imagine a scruffy little thing, always dirty, hair always needing a brush and FULL of energy and naughtiness. That's Neve. The other kids seemed to give her a hard time but Neve was quick to lash out, giving her a reputation as 'bad' as well as being known for telling a lot of lies. Well I'm not quite sure what done it but Neve has taken a MAJOR shine to me. I'm not going to go into it too much but i get the impression she doesn't get a lot of love or attention at home, and so shes found a softy in me and is clinging on for all its worth. She now appears at my door everyday as soon as school breaks out. We have baked cakes, gone shopping, done the garden together, shes come to my classes with me. I was really concerned as to what her parents would think since they had never felt the need to meet me (i would be very concerned if Nathan told me he had befriended a 31 year old and was eating dinner in her house!!!) , and so i chapped on their door and introduced myself. They are perfectly happy with it and to be honest i think they like the break as Neve is a HANDFUL. So i now feel like i have 2 kids!! More exhaustion.

(i found this necklace and note posted through my door. I returned the necklace to her mum but kept the note lol)

My classes that I loved going to have been less frequent. More so because my friends seem to have moved on from their sudden interest in keep fit, and they no longer go. This means i need to go alone, and although i have done it a few times, its much easier to say i cant be bothered when i know I'm not letting anyone down. but I'm letting myself down. I really love my classes, its a bit of adult time for me and a little break from the demands of kids, and so I'm going to make a point of doing more. Its not as easy doing it alone, but ill try my best. You would think this would leave me even more tired but actually it give me more energy.

Ive still not had much of a social life and obviously I'm at home every night with Nathan but i know this needs to change. I need to look into getting a sitter and having the odd night out. I know it will do me good, perk me up. We all need some time out, and so ill sort it out... eventually. I have a christening to attend in 2 weeks so that's something to look forward to (or worry about). Lots of adults having fun, obviously i could take Nathan but i think for that day ill give myself a break and relax! However, its at the edge of my comfort zone and ill probably find it hard to 'relax' but ill soon settle.

Speaking of christenings, Nathan has never been christened. I'm not a regular church goer by any means, but i do have my beliefs and so it seemed natural that when Nathan was born he would be baptised like most babies. Unfortunately, due to the state of my relationship last year, i was in no frame of mind for it, things were far too messy. But i always regretted that it hadn't happened. And although this year things aren't much better, i decided that its been long enough. I contacted the local church and now i am just waiting on a date. It wont be a big event like christenings are these days. Loads of friends and family in the church followed by a big knees up somewhere. It will be much smaller, with just a handful of us, no big party. Just me and my son at the alter doing what i should have done long ago and I'm really looking forward to it.

So i guess this is why theres been a bit of a break in writing. Ive made no big breakthroughs, felt there was nothing of great significance to tell you. Could beat myself up about what I've NOT been doing, but while I'm actually sitting here writing this, i realise theres a lot i HAVE been doing. Hopefully my next post will be far more focused on over coming a few obstacles. On that note i bid you farewell, hope you all doing great and i am off to the land of nod. Oh do you have agoraphobic dreams? I always do. I'm always far away and trying to get home. Not anxious, just in a hurry hmmm. xxx

Battles, both emotional and physical

2012-06-19T16:24:00.001+01:00

I join you today a bit of an emotional wreck. It has been pretty eventful here since i last posted. And sadly, not always in a good way.

Positivity first - Still doing my keep fit classes, in fact I have probably stepped it up a notch. I am now a regular at body pump, my new favourite, which is basically lifting weights to music. Sounds dull but its actually really enjoyable. I am skinny enough and so this class is better for me as the other more active classes would probably cause me to lose weight, which is not what i go for.

Still taking Nathan to his little clubs. Mothers and toddlers groups etc. Cant say Ive felt completely comfortable from start to finish when i go. but I have a little inner battle going on and so far Ive been winning.

Also Ive been driving further again, and taking Nathan on more little trips to see friends etc. I feel there is more to tell but maybe it will pop into my head as i write... this post is not only for catching up, but for distraction. Distracting myself from whats just happened.

Ok it might not seem a big deal to most, but my brother has decided to move to Australia. For YEARS my brother Derek has talked about a move overseas. Job opportunities, weather, money all not being fantastic here in Scotland, he was convinced moving away would be the best decision. I think we all thought it would never happen. But a few months ago the ball was rolling when he booked his flight to Perth, Australia.

He has friends over there, he has the chance of a job and he has somewhere to live. It sounds fantastic and hes absolutely right, it WILL be a better life. No doubt about it. And so as the date was approaching i decided we couldn't let him go without a good old knees up. I went about choosing a venue, and through facebook, i contacted his friends and got an impressive guest list together. It was supposed to be a surprise and i felt that if i could pull it off it would be something i would be very very proud of. Who would have thought a few years ago that id be doing this. And so the venue was booked, guests invited all i had to do was arrange food, decor and getting him there!

Last Saturday the party was looming and so i headed off and got decorating. My friend and i filled the bar with banners, Australian flags, bunting and balloons. It looked great and so i headed home to get my party outfit sorted. Sadly about 5 minutes after i left the pub, Derek decided to go for a pint!!! So the secret was out. His friends were supposed to be keeping him away but really he just took it upon himself to pop in and no one was quick enough to stop him. Derek is quite an emotional guy, although he tries to hide it, and he really didn't want a fuss. But he knew we needed him to be there and so the party went ahead.

It was a fantastic night. For me it was the first night out Ive had since Nathan was born. hes 18 months now so that's a LONG time. I was delighted to see the amount of people who showed face. Family, School friends, workmates, Football friends, gym friends, The place was packed. And best of all Derek looked like he genuinely loved every minute of it, although it was hard seeing my big tough brother shed a tear or TEN. I was completely relaxed and really enjoyed the whole night, stumbling home around 1.30, way past my bed time. It was a huge success.

Its weird. Derek is my big brother, and so hes just always been there. I have so many fantastic memories from when we were kids. But as adults we spent less time together, as you do. We never really talked about anything deeply anymore. Just pleasantries. And i guess that's quite sad. But no matter how little we've spoke, i always have huge amounts of love for him. Hes my big bro! Hes been amazing with Nathan, very loving and definitely fulfilled the roll or 'fun uncle' and when times have been tough for me hes also been the 'protector'. But for some bizarre reason i didn't mind the thought of him leaving. I felt nothing. I just thought ' Aw well hes going away and its no big deal, he will be happy, ill get used to him not being around as much'. How stupid i was. Derek has just left and i am devastated. I write this through tears and with my heart pounding, stomach turning. My brother is gone. God forgive me for being over dramatic. I should be grateful hes alive and well having recently attended the funeral of a boy with a younger brother and 3 sisters in mourning. (That was horrendous). But from an agoraphobic perspective this is killing me. I am realistic, and no matter how much driving i do or how many classes i attend, i wont be flying to Australia in the next year. From a totally selfish point of view i don't want him to go. Or i want him to go for a month and then come home. I'm telling myself to look to the positive.. i KNOW its the best move for him. And i KNOW ill be fine in a few hours. But for now i want to feel this sadness. I love him and hes gone. And i don't know when ill see him again. Nathan wont remember him, hes too young. And that makes me sad because Nathan loves him so much. Agoraphobia, sometimes i can bear you, sometimes i can live with you hiding in the shadows, but at times like this is hate you. Because you are not me. You are not who i am. And so I'm not saying goodbye to trips to Australia.. not yet.

The other news is probably more shocking and will be difficult to explain. You've all known about my relationship with Nathans dad and just how turbulent its been. Well the icing was layered onto the cake a few weeks ago. Ill describe this is best i can but for reasons, i will explain, ill keep it brief.

We had been getting on quite well, friends, seen each other all the time, spent lots of time with Nathan etc. There were good points and their were bad points, which are pretty irrelevant now. But he went out drinking one Friday night, with the promise that he would be taking Nathan out the next day, as he always does on a Saturday. Unfortunately he showed up on the Saturday drunk. This hadn't happened before and so although i wasn't too pleased, i told him to go into mine and sleep it off. I took Nathan down to my mums and left him. Soon i went back home to check on him and lay Nathan down for a nap. To tell you how the argument started is actually quite embarrassing, but lets just say it was something and nothing. It was facebook! Good old facebook, i wonder how many fights it has caused. I seen something i didn't like too much and so i woke him and asked him to leave. It was a build up of a few things and feeling i was basically this guys doormat. But i felt calm, i didn't feel surprise, just closure. 'Please leave'.

Well in his drunken state he got up and rambled and shouted, all while making way to leave. He didn't know Nathan was home and so he really wasn't too bothered about his behaviour. I opened the door to let him out and WHAM. My head was smashed off a wall. What followed was something i have never experienced before. I was dragged out of my home, by the hair, into the street where i was repeatedly punched while this monster screamed all sorts of obscenities. I felt no pain, i felt nothing. All i could think about was that Nathan was in his bed and i needed to get back inside. Also playing on loop in my head was 'i cant believe this is happening, i cant believe this is happening'. Nathans dad has put me through the wringer but he has never lifted his hands so i was pretty shocked. I could see people walking past and i just prayed they didn't say anything because he was so completely gone, i didn't know if he would hurt them!

It came to a head when a knife was produced. It sounds crazy but i never thought he would use it. but still you need to be realistic and look at the evidence in front of you! I never thought he would hit me either. He stopped when he finally heard me cry that Nathan was in his bed, and luckily i managed to get away. I ran into my house and locked the doors and called the police. He continued to try to get to me, kicking at the door. I really thought he was going to get through it, but eventually he ran off. I sat there bleeding and pulling out clumps of my hair. 'What the hell just happened'. Thank God, Nathan slept through the whole thing!!

The police came out and interviewed me. I was fine, shocked but once that passed i really was ok. My head had been split open but other than that i had no major marks or bruises hmmm for someone who lost it, he'd shown some amount of control. It was traumatic though, and for me, with a history of panic attacks and anxiety, i wondered how i would cope. I know that no one will show sympathy for what he done, and i don't expect them to. Also i wont make excuses for it, because there is no way to justify it. But i know he just snapped. Lots of other things had been going on in his life, problems at work, family issues, and of course our relationship, and that day it all got too much. Since then hes started counselling, has been put on antidepressants and beta blockers, and has had to take him from work. The incident has knocked him sick as through this crazy behaviour he has lost alot of respect, if not all, as what happened was done very publicly, and news travels! It will go to court in October, where i will need to attend along with another 2 witnesses. But probably the worst for him is that he cannot speak to me, approach me or even enter my street. My house has a special tag on it so that if i need to phone the police i will get a quicker response. Although i stress i do not feel that myself or Nathan are in any danger. Ive had visits from police, social workers coming to check on Nathan, and for that i am absolutely fuming! I understand they are doing their job but he made that happen and my son is happy and well.

So there you have it. An eventful month of highs and lows. My life coach said she thinks its impressive that ive kept on going but it has been quite tough. At a class last week, i really struggled. I wanted to leave quite a few times but i held on telling myself to take it a song at a time. Thankfully i made it through without bolting. So its hard but i know i have strength inside of me and now that Nathans dad hasnt been allowed near, i know i am free. Free to totally push myself and focus solely on myself and my son. Limitless!!! So the practice and determination need to keep on going.

Still Facing The Fear

2012-05-19T00:38:00.002+01:00

Hi guys and girls. Its been a month since my last post and thought it was high time i filled you in on the latest goings on in my rock and roll life (sarcastic? me??)

Well, the fitness classes have kind of taken over. Ive been going 3 or 4 times a week depending on Nathan really. I feel huge guilt when I'm sorting his dinner and sometimes rushing a bath, all so i can leave him for an hour. But i am loving the classes. Im hooked on powerhooping which is just great fun. Body attack and Body pump are now regular and Ive tried a few others to. This Sunday i am trying Bokwa, which judging by YouTube clips, i will find impossible, but will provide a good laugh.

The classes are my 'time out' from mum duties. My friends go all the time and its provided me with some sort of social life. People tell me i should use my time off to just sit back and relax, but i would feel too guilty getting my mum to watch Nathan just for me to laze around. And so i nip out for an hour where i sweat my a** off, struggle to breathe and catch up with the girls. For me, i love it. Where Nathans concerned, i kind of struggle to find the balance. I don't like leaving him too often and i feel less guilty on the nights where I have no classes, but i tell myself that mum needs some time out too. On an anxiety level there have been highs and lows at classes. Powerhooping has become such a favourite that i would hate to miss it. I know in the past when i have missed something, then maybe missed it again, it has been really difficult to go back to it, if Ive gone back at all. And so im probably quite uptight about it. The fact that i WANT to do it so much, just makes me more nervous in case i fail. But ill work on that and hopefully lighten up.

Ive mostly felt fine when i know I'm going to a class at night, but of course there's been the odd time where I've thought about it and felt nerves kick in. Ive visualised the drive there and imagined all sorts of panic attack scenarios. But Ive stayed determined and kept on going. It does get easier to ignore those thoughts with practise. There have also been times in class that Ive felt a bit floaty and out of sorts. A feeling I've had a lot through anxiety. But i try my best to ignore this too. To breathe and relax myself. I know that should i HAVE to... i can leave. But Ive never done it. Also with classes being so busy, some with over 100 people, the car park can get pretty busy. I always park in a place where i can get out quite quickly, but last night i got stuck behind a big queue of traffic. I had a brief 'arrrrgghhhhhh i don't like this i don't like this' moment.. but i took a deep breath and it passed.

Also Ive been picking my friends up and dropping them off which has added to my journey. For some this might be normal practise. But to an agoraphobic, that extra responsibility and pressure can make you more anxious. Yeah its hardly pressure but i don't have the option to just ditch a class and run should i panic. I have someone else to think about that i cant just abandon. I'm trying to embrace these little challenges as they are little examples of ways i can help myself grow and improve. As always the thought is way worse than the reality. Of course Ive wondered if i can actually make the journey to my friends house or will i have to explain that I'm freaking out and run. But the reality is i calmly make the trip while we chat, and if i do get nervous, it is very brief and no one would have a clue.

The weather here has been pretty shocking and there have been no signs of summer at all. This isn't so good for Nathan and I. And my forever crappy car is off the road, so its been a tough month regarding us getting out together. We have mostly played in the garden or gone little walks. I do get the use of my dads car from time to time so its not so bad. Nathan has his play dates and we visit family so he is kept entertained. But i suspect that from now till he leave home, ill always wish i could do more.

I don't think I'm selfish with regards to Nathan and what i want for him. I could be a blubbering wreck if i really let myself be dragged down by thoughts of what i 'should' be doing for him. I do feel terrible when i hear about people taking trips with their kids. And i have a horrendous guilt that he doesn't do some things because of the way i am. For example, his little play group he was going to, well i would only go there by car. And since that's off the road, and mummy cant walk that distance, he has missed his group. Sometimes i can brush it off and tell myself hes too young to even notice. But there are other times when i feel utterly dreadful. If he had a 'normal' mummy he would still get to his group. We'd just walk it! But I cant focus on that. I need to be positive. If i was to dwell on the things i CANT do instead of what i can, id drive myself crazy.

As long as Nathan is happy, i will be grateful for that. And so last weekend i could have been sad when his dad took him to the beach, but instead i was just pleased that he was getting to the beach at all. His first time on sand. His first time seeing the sea. And i missed it. I could be really cut up about it, but I'm more thrilled that Nathan go to go there and he had an absolute ball. I wont let anyone tell me that ill never take him to the beach. I just couldn't go that day, and maybe not in the near future, but never say never! There are a million and 1 'firsts' that i have been there for and i plan of being a part of millions more.

Today was a day where I had use of my dads car. Id heard of another playgroup that would suit Nathan and decided i should give it a go. Its a bit further than I'm used to driving, but only because i don't get the opportunity to practise like i did in the past. I felt fine knowing what was in store. I knew the route i was taking and i felt pretty confident about the trip. In fact looking back, i didn't once consider that i might not make it. Sheer determination had taken over and i was going there no matter what! My classes are quite good because although i might be nervous at first, I'm soon jumping around and following instructions, and so I'm distracted and before i know it the time is up. It was the same with the last group i took Nathan to. It was so filled with activities, that i didn't have time to think about how i was feeling, i was too busy. And so today i found it more of a challenge. Today's group was more your basic mother and toddlers set up. A big hall (eeek) filled with toys, and chairs round the sides for the mothers to sit and watch. Where was my distraction? My mum had come to and I think that's probably what helped me get through the first 10 minutes. Yeah i thought i was going to be OK, but when i was greeted with this huge room and basically was just to sit still, my mind went into over drive. 'What if i cant make it out to the car', 'What if my legs don't work when i stand up', 'what if i want to bolt, that would be so unfair on Nathan', 'i hate this feeling, i want it to pass now. Ive had enough of this crap'.

Its not even that far from home! 10 minutes drive tops. But its probably because i was out of practise. I looked at Nathan playing with the toys and told myself that this is where i wanted to be. I told myself i was not moving. I would find distraction! I took myself over to Nathan a few times and played with some toys, i read signs on the walls, i went to the bathroom lol. Just walking around instead of sitting thinking, began to help. I had a cup of tea, tried to chat with mum, all the while my head was screaming and my legs were like jelly. But i kept on going. I told myself to stop it, i took big calming breaths and told myself that nothing bad was going to happen. Worse case scenario would be that id panic, but even in the most horrendous panic attacks I've never been left completely immobile!! Id get to the car and be ok!! Soon i realised we'd been there for half an hour and my anxiety began to subside. 'You did it' I thought to myself. Nathans played, hes had his little breakfast with friends. Hes enjoyed himself, and if you really wanted to leave now, it would be a bit soon, but it would be ok. Knowing that the pressure was gone (pressure i had completely put on myself, no one else had done it) well i relaxed and enjoyed the rest of our time. I stayed about an hour and a half in the end. And surprise surprise, after all those horrendous thoughts of panic attacks in the car etc, i drove home completely calm and content. High 5s all round. The only way this is going to improve and i am going to relax easier is by doing it more and more and more. And so ill be going again this week. Tonight I'm wiped out. No doubt that's got something to do with this morning. Anxiety and facing up to it is pretty tiring stuff! But isn't it worth it. I think so x

Like Attracts Like

2012-04-12T23:32:00.004+01:00

Hello lovely people, how are you all?

A very positive Lynn here, things are going well :)

Ive stuck to my previous plans as described. Doing more and getting back out into the world again. Taking Nathan to his play groups, on play dates with friends.

Also instead of ruling out new friendships with the usual mindset 'I wont pursue this friendship as i wont be able to do the things they want', i am opening myself up and letting things happen naturally. I'm not putting the walls up and pulling away. I'm remembering that I have something to offer people, and that if they are going to be part of my life they will accept me as i am. And i am hopeful that i will be doing more and more and breaking more barriers may they be related to anxiety, habits or relationships.

No doubt i have been in a 'rut', whether that is down to my old habits of avoidance and playing it safe, or if its partly down to being in a baby bubble and all consumed by motherhood, i don't know. But i can feel myself moving beyond this now and i am very excited.

New friendships are suddenly happening with several people from all different areas in my life. Some I've met through Nathan, some Ive met through friends i already have and some completely out of the blue and its really lovely. This in itself give me a confidence boost and adds to this feeling of 'growth' that i have. Does that make sense? I really feel like I'm growing as a person on so many levels. I have a strong sense that i am moving away from my old way of life into something new and much more fulfilling, and i have this feeling in my gut, like there's a little light burning, and its just getting brighter.

Ive made myself reconnect with lots of people and stop hiding away. I'm in touch with a much larger group of people now and through this have started to get more involved in their plans. My closest friend has recently had a baby and has gone on a huge health kick. Shes joined the local gym and has been going to classes most nights. I used to love the gym and just before Nathan was born i was pretty much hooked on keeping fit and went to the odd 'body attack' class. Back then it wasn't about losing weight, but more about enjoying the natural high that i gained through exercise.

I missed this part of my life. The first year of a baby being born is pretty crazy. Its absorbs your whole being and normality pretty much goes out the window. I always knew as Nathan got older i would slowly get back into things but its amazing how quickly hes grown up. To me hes still brand new! But the reality is hes grown up so much in the last 15 months and im slowly emerging into a life where i can actually do something for me. Don't get me wrong, i could have done this before but just didn't have it in me. Again, this could be for many reasons, but now seems like a good time. Nathan goes to bed at 7.30 and so from then on, the night is mine. He very rarely wakes up so i have the odd hour or 2 to spare if I'm not completely wiped out. So when my friend suggested i joined her at a class, i agreed.

It was quite strange going through the usual bedtime routine, knowing that i was going out once Nathan was asleep. Change in routine can unsettle anyone and i definitely had an uncomfortable feeling in my tummy. 7.30 is usually when i start to wind down. That's when i flop onto the couch and mentally shut down. But instead i was throwing on sports gear and getting ready to go HULA HOOPING for an hour! Yes... Hula Hooping!

I drove to the Sport centre myself and met the girls in there. Mentally taking note that only a few short weeks ago i wasn't comfortable with the drive there. And 6 of us took on a 'power hooping class'. The class itself had about 25 people involved and although some of the girls were a bit nervous, i was actually feeling ok. Even better when i realised i could actually hula with the best of them. We had a really good laugh and when i left i was buzzing that i had gone and done it. Because there were definitely a few times before hand when i could have pulled out and just flopped in front of the tv instead.

Since my days of 'body attack' classes id been hearing more and more about Zumba and had decided i wanted to give this ago too. So 2 nights later i was throwing on the sports clothes once again and off to take another class. Again we laughed our heads of as this crazy instructor put us through an hour of madness!! We were a sight to behold trying to keep up with her. But its not so much the classes i have enjoyed. Its just getting out there and having some time for me. Being with the girls and destressing. But of course the natural high you gain from exercising is obviously doing me some good. After only 2 classes im aching to get back and to be honest i think id be going much more if it was possible. Ive found myself driving home afterwards and thinking 'awwww i dont want to go home yet, i want to stay and talk!!'. Theres not really much time for talking when your shimmying around with a hulahoop or doing salsa. But i cant wait for the next class. I might also think about seeing the girls in another setting but we are all mummies and it can be quite hard to arrange.

There have been a few tough challenges like going into a supermarket i hadn't been in for a while. I chose the longest queue to stand in and its the most anxious i have felt in a long time. I did really struggle with negative thoughts and a few times really wanted to bolt. But i stayed put. Running away is not the answer. That's how all the avoidance crap starts. So i stayed and shook and wobbled and sweated until i was finally served. I wish i could say i was buzzing afterwards, but really my wee legs were trembling and i just walked away feeling a bit exhausted. I guess on a positive note i could have chosen to go home right away but instead i opted to drive the long way home. Not quite sure if i could handle it, imagining it going wrong, visualising full blown panic but of course none of that happened and it was just another little experience to add to my 'Oh look you thought you would freak out and you didn't' pile!

This experience was closely followed by driving out of my comfort zone only for my car to break down. My unreliable car grrrrr. Id been driving around for an hour with no problems, went into a shop and when i came out and started my car, it wouldn't go. Luckily i wasn't alone, but i still got a bit nervous. Having experience car troubles before i thought i needed a jump start. So i was looking around for another driver who might be able to help me. Nope no cars in sight. Hmmm ok (heart pounding). I thought over my options. I could completely lose the plot and panic. Or i could deal with this rationally. So as a distraction i got the jump leads set up on the car so that should a car appear i was ready for action. (Heart pounding). A women arrived in a car YEY!!! Well she didn't seem to keen on helping and acted like she was in a bit of a hurry. I was a total inconvenience but to be honest i didn't care. She was in a borrowed car and couldn't work out how to open her bonnet. So i climbed in and looked EVERYWHERE. This women was my way of escape. Her car was my saviour!! But could i open her bonnet? No i couldn't. And so i had to tell her just to go. That was hard haha. Watching her drive off. So i called for a taxi. Waiting while your on the edge of panic is so not easy, but i figured i better do something and knowing a ride home was on the way id keep it together. So i waited and i waited (heart pounding, head racing). Oh bugger this i was imagining running to the shop and asking where there toilet was. Bolting into it, shutting the door and freaking out. But instead i just calmly walked in and asked if there was perhaps someone who could help me. After much chatter between men about what could be wrong with the car (HURRY UP ARRRGGHH), they decided i just needed them to push it. So they described what i was to do (keep the clutch down, stay in second gear and when they shouted go... take my foot off the clutch. A bump start basically) Well when your a bag or nerves, coordination isn't that great but we did it. They got me going and as i drove off i seen my taxi arriving, oops, but there was no going back. On reflection i did actually stay calm, although on the inside i was screaming. Also its a good experience to add to my pile. Ok the car broke down and you coped, and you would cope again.

An unreliable car does limit what i do in some ways. I'm not too keen to try anything major in the fear it happens again, but once its fixed ill lose that nervousness.

And so that's about all i have to tell you. I am completely shattered these days and blogs etc have been neglected but i get round to it eventually. I'm am looking forward to tomorrow and next week and basically just accepting all the good things coming my way. Like attracts like doesn't it, and so I'm happy and positive and buzzing. Lets see what happens x

Agoraphobia Survey

2012-03-29T08:53:00.001+01:00

Hi guys. I was contacted by a student who needs help with an agoraphobia study. If you have a few spare minutes i would be grateful if you could give your input. Its completely anonymous and only a few questions long. Thanks http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/8CBJQ8B

Fall in love with life again

2012-03-20T08:13:00.004Z

I got a lovely email the other day from a recovered agoraphobic. After telling her story she said she has now fallen in love with the world again, and i can totally relate.

Ive said before that if you've suffered panic/anxiety/agoraphobia, i think it makes you a far more patient, understanding, APPRECIATIVE person and i stand by this. I remember when i was at my very worst, i would have given so much to go a simple walk. Something that most people will take for granted. And although i wouldn't wish this condition on anyone, i do feel quite lucky that i appreciate the simple things, and that i definitely fall in love with life all over again.

Im back on track! After the hospital episode i gave myself a good shake and started to work harder with my issues. One thing that had riddled me with guilt is that I wasn't doing enough for Nathan with regards to play dates and other social activities.

Well i found a suitable class and told myself we were going. I was nervous and many times could have backed out but i was adamant that we were doing it. He deserved it and i needed it! I told myself to stop putting it off, if i just DO IT, i will be happier, I'd feel less guilty, ill be getting myself out and mixing again and a ton of other reasons.

So the morning of the class came and my little legs were like jelly. I was on and off the toilet all morning and generally just wanted to call the whole thing off. I took the journey in stages. If i just made it to the building i would decide then if i could actually go into the class, but just get there at least.

Well i got there and entered the building. The class was at the back of the building AND up the Stairs (Typical, no fast escape route) but we did it. The room was filled with gym equipment and other fun things for Nathan. Slides, swings trampolines. He was so excited and running about crazy wanting into anything but the class does have a structure. So firstly we all had to sit in a circle, about 30 of us, and sing songs, do actions etc. Then free play where the kids choose from a massive toy box, and finally they are let loose on the equipment. Since Nathan is so small i had to take him round the circuit helping him. It was more of a work out for me than for him but this was probably better. If i had been sat at the side watching i would have had time to think, but instead i was so preoccupied with that i was doing i was totally distracted. There wasn't one point in the entire class that i felt nervous. I didn't want to run. I loved it! I was so proud i had got there and took Nathan myself. No one else. I wasn't relying on anyone else for a change and i was buzzing. I got to watch my son and play with him and i loved every minute of it. Don't get me wrong, when i first went into the class my legs were ready to give way on me, but i kept on going and soon forgot about the nerves. Nathan had an absolute ball and i told the women running it that we would be going every week from now on.

From there i had to meet my support worker and due to my confidence boost i went a huge drive. We went further than i have in the last year of meeting her. We went into shops, i casually browsed the shelves and then drove the long way home. She was impressed and i was buzzing.

The entire day PROVED once again that i can do it. That Ive wasted so much time sitting worrying and imagining the worst. I was actually annoyed with myself for not doing it sooner but i cant change that. For whatever reason, i didn't do it before but there's no point dwelling on the past. I can just concentrate on improving the future.

Its hard to break out of your routine. To do something different, especially when the thought of it makes you nervous. But when you do it the rewards are so worthwhile. Pride, happiness, a self of achievement, confidence. And from there it changes your future too. Since that day i literally lost a ton of guilt and i also lost a lot of the fear id built up since Nathan was born. When i was almost rid of my agoraphobia before i had a certain way of thinking. I was always positive. I frequently told myself 'I'm doing this, and so what if i panic. If i do i will cope'. And in that one day my thinking has become far more like that again, much more confident.

With a huge amount of fear gone i have been driving more and more. Walking further with Nathan. We've been back to the class, and will continue to go every Thursday. And i set all sorts of play dates with lots of other mothers. Nathan and i are meeting a lot of new friends. This means driving to new houses where i am not familiar and maybe not too comfortable, but i keep on going. And ill be setting myself all sorts of other challenges. Im excited!

The sun is shining more often and its very true, i fall in love with life all over again. I want to do more and more and i dont want to waste any time. But what i know is that i APPRECIATE these things. I enjoy them more than i ever would have before. And i get a huge sense of achievement from every little trip we take together. Life is too short to keep putting things off and i need to remember this. Looking forward to a fun filled productive year!

How not to cope in an emergency!

2012-03-06T08:12:00.003Z

I dreaded writing this post. But i am always honest on here, and although I'm sure some may pass judgement, i felt it was important to tell the story.

I realise more and more that agoraphobia can be a very selfish condition. We need to make decisions to suit ourselves. We avoid certain tasks, days out, meetings etc to 'save ourselves', but be very sure this isn't what we want! Yes, to an outsider it may look 'lazy' or completely selfish, but believe me, avoidance is not something we enjoy, and we would much rather be living life along with the 'normal' people out there.

I have questioned many times, would i continue to avoid doing something in extreme circumstances? What if , god forbid, one of my immediate family was to die. Would i gather ever fiber of strength and courage and attend a funeral? Out of respect, grief, love, and to support my other family members. Ive always assured myself that I would. I would have to. I remember my fiance saying that if he died, i wouldn't be at his funeral. I was disgusted, 'Don't be so stupid!!! OF COURSE I WOULD BE' (cheery subject eh, and i still say id be there). But the reality is, it is quite amazing just how much we can avoid.

I always remember talking to an agoraphobic mother who couldn't walk across a street. In fact, she doesn't really walk more than 5 steps from her car, her safety net. I asked her what she would do if she was standing in a street and seen her daughter wander off onto the road. Theres a car coming. Would she act first and think later? Would she run down that street and grab her daughter, taking her out of harms way? I wasn't a mother myself at the time, and i assumed her answer would be simple, 'Well of course id just run and get her, it would be automatic', but instead she told me she didn't think she could do it, and would call for her husband instead. I remember i judged her. And i might be wrong, but i still think that in that situation she probably WOULD act first and think later, but it brings me to my own story.

It was a few weeks ago now and Nathan hadn't been feeling too well. I was totally exhausted after a couple of days of nursing him, lack of sleep and everything else having a sick child entails. I hadn't even had time for a shower as he just wanted to lie on top of me most of the time. So i got him wrapped up and decided to take him for a walk. My mum joined us and we noticed Nathan was drifting off to sleep and so she suggested that she would keep an eye on him, if i wanted to have a shower and even nap for an hour. God bless grandparents!

I didn't hesitate. I had a loooong soak in the bath and climbed into bed, secretly hoping for more than an hour. I woke up a couple of hours later feeling a little better but got into a panic when i noticed I had several missed calls and text messages from my mum. I called her immediately and was filled with dread when she told me that 'Nathan isn't right at all Lynn. Hes gotten worse and his breathing isn't right. I'm really worried and i think he needs to go to hospital'.

Well i felt sick, but again i calmed myself by thinking 'mother knows best, Nathans mum, ME, not his gran'. Yes he'd been poorly for a few days but i knew within myself that he was ok, and that with plenty of rest, he was going to be fine and get over it. Its just a cold!'. Shes just panicking i thought. And so i threw on my clothes and ran to check my son. I was more concerned when i seen him though. She was right, he wasn't looking too good and his breathing was definitely not normal. He was panting rapidly as though he'd just ran for miles, and his eyes looked lifeless. I called the emergency doctor and began talking through his symptoms. All the while i was getting him into his pram and racing back to my house to get him comfortable, or to see what was decided. 'How long has he been like this'? 'Check him for rashes', 'Take his temperature'. I was getting more nervous but still tried to calm myself by saying it was just a virus and they will tell me to put him to bed and give him plenty of fluids. And so i answered question after question, checked him all over, there was no rash, and then eventually the doctor asked me to put the phone to his mouth to check his breathing.

'No that isnt right at all' she said. 'I am trying to decide if i should just send you an ambulance'.
Well........ that was me, a nervous, shaking mess. An Ambulance! Seriously??? Oh my god this cannot be happening. Whats wrong with him? Is this serious? And then the little selfish agoraphobic voice kicked in. 'I don't want to go to the hospital'.

I am totally aware that the usual response to this would be to accept the ambulance and rush your child to hospital. Not giving the journey a second thought. Just get them their quick!! No matter what it takes. In the end she advised me that instead of an ambulance, i could make my way there myself. Emmm yeh ok Doc!

In hindsight, an ambulance would have been better. Id have gone it there, hidden in the back, with medical staff working with Nathan straight away, and also to help me should i need calming down lol. Circumstances that day were not ideal. I had my nephew staying, and also Nathans step brother. And so before i could leave i had to find them, as they'd gone out. Calling their mobile phoned, proved useless. Why do they never answer??? But on the plus side, Nathans dad was here and so we got him into the car immediately. It was decided that his Dad would make his way to the hospital and i would find the boys, and head to the hospital as soon as i found them. Again, in hindsight, i could have called my mum and asked her to hunt for the kids, while i headed to the hospital with my son. But that selfish little agoraphobic in me was GLAD to the excuse to stay. This is what i am ashamed of. I didn't know what was wrong with my son. I didn't know if it was serious (although i had a feeling he was ok), but i still hid. I still avoided. I am furious with myself. Nathan deserves so much better!

I started running round the streets looking for the boys, but to be honest its a bit of a blur. I was in a daze. Every inch of my body was trembling and i really didn't feel i was on this planet. I was totally gone. I called Gerry and got no answer on his mobile, which made me worse. I was imagine all sorts of horrors. But eventually he sent me a text saying they had arrived at the hospital and were waiting on the doctor. This was about 4.30pm. I text constantly, obsessively. What on earth was i going to do to stay sane while i waited for the kids to appear... and so i cleaned. Like a women possessed i cleaned!! And i tidied myself up. I might need to actually go to the hospital and so i best be prepared! And i prayed. 'Forgive me for the times i wish he would stop crying. That I said i needed a break. That i lost patience. Please just see he is ok. I will never complain again'.

Quickly i got another text. 'Lynn hes fine, you need to calm down. The doctor has checked him and they arent too worried. Put the dinner on, we will be home soon'.

Hmmm i started to relax, but of course the guilt didn't leave me. I should be there. My son needs me and i am not there. Yes he has his daddy. But its ME who pacifies him. Its me he wants. Thankfully the other 2 kids turned up and my immediate thought should have been, ok i can go now. But i didn't. I text Gerry who informed me that they would be coming home soon, and so there was no point going to the hospital. Of course i felt relief, but it still didn't feel right.

I cooked the dinner, and they still weren't home. I waited. I prepared Nathans fresh pajamas and sorted his room. They still weren't home. Eventually i received another text telling me they were in the children's ward waiting for a paediatrician. What on earth was going on? If he was ok they'd have been home by now. It was now past 7pm, his bedtime AND he hadn't eaten since lunch time. I called the hospital and spoke to the ward nurse. I ranted on about how Nathan must be starving, could they please give him something to eat, and stop trying to give him juice, when hes ill he wants milk, and not from a beaker but from a bottle. I SHOULD have been there telling them these things. Holding my boy and making sure he was ok. But i was sitting doing it via phone. And i felt like shit. No other word for it. I felt shit.

Another text 'Lynn they are going to monitor him for an hour and if he doesn't start drinking they are keeping him overnight'. Well that's that i thought. I have avoided the trip but now its inevitable. I WILL NOT leave Nathan without me over night. We have NEVER been apart at night. I wont leave him in that strange place wanting his mummy. If they tell me my son is being kept in, then i have no choice. I'm going. The agoraphobic me was saying 'how on earth are you going to get there'? 'Will you be able to relax and stay the night'? And all the unwanted thoughts were telling me i couldn't do it. But i also had my rational thoughts telling me that i would get there. I may be uncomfortable, but i will get there. And once there id do my best. Should i really be struggling, i am in a hospital so there's help available'!

I eventually got the text saying they were on their way home. It was 1am. Nathan had been gone for 9 hours! I tell myself that if i had known he would be gone for 9 hours i would have went. But would i have really? Yes had an ambulance came id have went, but after that, what would have got me there? I felt guilty, sick, useless, ashamed. You name it. But it doesnt change the fact that i wasnt there.

If i hadnt sent Nathan to the hospital at 4.30 i know i would have at some point that evening, because when i finally got him back in my arms i was quite panicked by his breathing. It was much worse and he was making a horrible noise too. In the end we were told he had bronchioitis, but that there was nothing they could do. they could give him oxygen but his oxygen levels were ok. And so it was the usual advice... bed rest and fluids. I made a bed on the floor beside his crib. I wasnt leaving his side. I watched him most of the night untill i eventually gave into sleep.

I know that i was judged. No doubt about it. My own parents judged me. The said that they truely believed that if it was concerned Nathan i would just have gone. Yeh well i had beleievd that too. And yes circumstances meant that I had excuses. I had the kids to find. From about 5.30 onwards i was told he was waiting to come home. But i know within myself that im making excuses. I should have been there. Had i not had anxiety, i would have let my mum find the boys, i would have gone to my sons side even if it meant he was released as soon as i got there.
And no matter what anyone says i will always be ashamed. And of course i worry. I worry about next time. I hope that time never comes but i have a son here. What about when hes playing football and falls awkwardly breaking his ankle. Or decides it would be interesting to push something tiny up his nose and it gets stuck. What will i do then?

It just spurs my recovery on again. I need a good kick up the ass! No more procrastining. Life is too damn short for wasting time. Get out there and get your life back. The winter slows me down, without a doubt i do much less. The spring has started to show itself now and then, and on those bright sunny days, its actually amazing how different i feel. I'm happy, cheerful and i want to do MORE. I was also struggling with Nathans lack of friends. Kids his age who he can play with and so I've become a beg a friend. I have no shame in asking a mother with a child of similar age if she would like a play date. We have had one already and have another 2 mother/toddlers lined up ha. Also i have enrolled him in 'gym joeys'. A play group which is on weekly and although its a bit out of my comfort zone and ill have all the usual obstacles to get over, we are GOING!!! I am gaining confidence again and i am excited for the months ahead. I might actually make some friends! This in itself bringing a whole lot of other problems (do i tell them about my anxiety, what about when they invite me out to somewhere that's completely beyond me. But hey ill deal with that later).

In the meantime Nathan got better. He was back to his usual crazy, happy, boisterous self within a week. And he passed his bronchiotis onto me. That's payback right there lol

Ebooks

2012-02-11T08:58:00.002Z

http://www.ebay.com/itm/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=250992672599

Ive come across a few ebooks that may contain some information that you would find useful. So far they are on auction but the price is really low, if your looking for something to read :)

Agoraphobia Help Network

2012-02-08T20:31:00.002Z

I like this guys thinking.

Finding a Purpose Greater than Your Fear

"I wish my life could go back to the way it was before I started having panic attacks. "I hear this statement more often than I'd like. Too many people who are trying to recover from agoraphobia make not having a panic attack their main goal. Sadly, this focus will not help you get free from agoraphobia. As a recovered agoraphobic, I completely understand why people fear panic attacks and don't want to have them. However, the fear of panic attacks is not sufficient motivation for recovery. It is just motivation for avoiding places and situations that trigger panic – and avoidance behavior, ironically, is a symptom of agoraphobia. I want to encourage you to do more than just stop the fear.

Even if you did everything in this book to successfully counter panic attacks, you would not find true freedom. You would meet your goal of returning to life before agoraphobia, but think hard for a minute, is that the life you really want?If you are like most of us, you were living a compromised lifestyle before you developed agoraphobia. Although we may not have experienced full blown panic attacks or been confined to our homes, many of us willingly confined our lives to some degree in order to feel safe. Though we might have functioned in our roles at home, work, or school, we were probably not living our lives to the fullest or maximizing our potential as human beings. We were limiting ourselves at some level, avoiding changes or challenges that we thought might cause fear.Your life after agoraphobia doesn't have to be the same as it was before. It can be better. As one who has been through agoraphobia and come out on the other side, I cannot emphasize this point enough. If you develop agoraphobia you are likely to possess vast potential. You are likely to be highly intelligent, creative, imaginative, sensitive, and analytical. You probably have a powerful imagination, high ideals, and the drive to achieve them. However, these qualities cannot find expression when you live a safe or tightly controlled life in an effort to keep a lid on your fears. Your recovery from agoraphobia is a golden opportunity to quit playing it safe.

It represents your opportunity to break free and achieve your fullest potential. But focusing on not having a panic attack won't get you there. It will just keep you worried about how to stop the next panic attack. You need a more powerful motivation for recovery and for living your life.Overcoming agoraphobia takes consistent hard work. It takes persistence in the face of discouragement. It takes believing that success if possible, even when you see no reason to believe. Overcoming agoraphobia demands courage, and courage demands a reason.You can achieve true freedom from agoraphobia and in life when you find a strong reason for it - a purpose that makes fear seem irrelevant. You can achieve true freedom when you develop a burning desire to do something that moves your focus away from the inward world of containing panic symptoms to doing something to make a difference in the world around you. As long as you are motivated by fear, whether it is fear of the next panic attack, rejection, failure, going crazy, or death, you will be more likely to experience more panic attacks than when you are motivated by a sense of purpose. Not only will purpose place your focus on something positive, but there is something about purposeful action that naturally dissolves fear. Like a firefighter entering a burning building to save a child or an Olympic athlete focused on winning a medal, fear goes away when your mind and body are absorbed in meaningful action. Put simply, a lifestyle of action is incompatible with a lifestyle of fear.A lifestyle of meaningful action begins with discovering a deep sense of purpose in life to motivate you.

When you find it you will discover, as I did, that your purpose in life will be greater than your fears. It will be greater than the fear of having a panic attack, greater than the fear of failing or being rejected, greater than the fear that you are going crazy, and greater even than the fear of death.

Click here for his website

Facebook

2012-02-08T15:26:00.004Z

Hi everyone. I decided to create a Facebook page just for us!

Some of you may already use different websites to look for advice or just to talk. And so i thought we could have our own little meeting place. I know there are a few pages for agoraphobia on Facebook already, but some people dont like to have the 'agoraphobia' groups associated with their page. Then people will know we are mad right?? (just kidding).

But personally ive been invited to a few pages, and since i live in a small town where no one knows my issues, i prefer to keep it that way, and so due to 'panic attacks' or 'agoraphobia' being in the name of the group, ive rejected them. So here is a solution.

This page is in my name, and you are all welcome. Come just to be a member, to share stories, ask questions or whatever you desire.

Click HERE to join, or click the badge on the right.

Its a work in progress as i have done NOTHING on there so far, but hopefully it will get filled with useful links and info along the way.

Remember!!

2012-02-06T23:08:00.001Z

Agoraphobia vs Habit

2012-02-02T23:07:00.004Z

This has been playing on my mind today. I really should have worked this out a long time ago but its only recently that it's become more apparent.

So am i agoraphobic, or have i just got into the habit of living my life in a limited space?

Sure there were years when i couldn't leave the house. That was agoraphobia at its most extreme level. Not being comfortable anywhere but home, sometimes only in one room, and even when there being an anxiety filled mess. Living with parents, fear of being left alone, constant worrying, negative thinking, obsessing, panic attacks, no routine, day turned into night and lots of other stress related behaviours. Not a nice time at all.

And yet today, I'm not like that. Now i am OK. I have routine. I don't really experience anxiety at all. And if, out of the blue, i did, well I can cope with it relatively well. If someone was to watch me for 1 day i would appear completely 'normal'. I get up and prepare the breakfast, get myself and my son dressed. Decide who to visit, or if we will go for a walk. Clean the house and then head out. At some point ill go to the shops for whatever we need. And then after our day out is done we head home where i will cook the dinner, then bath, then put Nathan to bed. At points through the day they'd see me smile, looking confident or they would hear me laugh. No stress, No anxiety. No agoraphobia.

So where does the agoraphobia kick in? Well very rarely ill be driving the car and ill get stuck at a red light and my heart will have a little flutter. So i will take a few deep breaths and turn the music up. The light goes to green and I'm off, and forget all about it. Or similarly if I'm in a shop alone and stuck in a queue. But really that's about it.

But that's because i have gotten so used to my life as is it now and my routine. I don't need to face the agoraphobia because day to day, i can get to where i need to be comfortably. But the problem is, that should i need to go somewhere far, for example, if there was an emergency... well i would s**t myself. And now i am wondering if this is because of agoraphobia and thinking of past reactions. Or is it simply because I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time.

I think its a bit of both. It actually bugs me that my head no longer thinks like this.. 'Well i don't have plans for today, and Ive got some money in the bank, so how about i take Nathan swimming and then out for lunch'. 'Oh Nathans away out with his dad on Saturday so i could head into the city for some retail therapy'. I just DON'T think like that. I am much more likely to think 'well ill see who's free in my little area and then go home'. My routine and habits are so limited to the little bubble that my thoughts literally don't go beyond that. And yes, this is OK day to day, and i am utterly grateful i can even do that, because Ive experienced the other side of the coin. But I'm really wondering just how much of my fear actually exists anymore.

Yeh i can just imagine what your thinking. 'Well try it then, go head out and see where you go'. That's the point. I know i would still struggle, still be very uncomfortable when getting to a certain distance, or even panic completely, but how much of this is down to agoraphobia. or just the fact I'm doing something out of the ordinary, which in itself would get my head thinking... i shouldn't be doing this, this is not me, i should be panicking cause i would have in the past'. And it makes me think of the few times i DID need to push myself and travel beyond my comfort zone, and to be honest, when i did it i was fine. A few uncomfortable minutes here and there but nothing at all to bother about.

So for me i think its a bit of both. And the key to changing it, is doing what i always did with the agoraphobia anyway. keep going out, and keep practising. Make new habits for myself. I did this before and it bugs the hell out of me that i let that go. I used to think 'oh today ill go for lunch, or today i wanna try something a bit more adventurous'. But not now. Now my heads very much in day to day routine. One day is the same as the next and, i wonder how many of you can relate, but its HARD to change your habits when you have a child to look after. Its very difficult for me to focus 100% on pushing my boundaries when Nathan needs a nappy changing, lunch, a nap, entertained, dinner and so on and so on. Yes i know i can take him with me, and no doubt i will sometimes, but there are situations id be putting myself in where i wouldn't necessarily want him to be a witness. He doesn't need to see my panic. And of course for those of you well enough to have a job, then can you fit in your recovery around work? I know that when i worked, i dragged myself out of bed in the morning, got home afterwards and ate dinner, and then i pretty much collapsed on the couch. Maybe i just need a bit of an energy boost.

And then of course there is life. Normal everyday life can play havoc with recovery plans. I have family, they need me to do things. Baby sit, wait in for deliveries, sit and chat and discuss their problems. A house to run.. washings, dishes, cleaning. And ill be honest, I'm pretty exhausted!

So. Its time to start working on my habits. Because its pretty clear that my phobia has greatly reduced and if that's the case, then this is really the best time to get to work. In the meantime, sleep!

Trying my best

2012-01-25T19:50:00.000Z

Its going to be a GREAT year

2012-01-18T21:11:00.007Z

Oh dear dear my blogging etiquette has gone to pot!

I haven't even wished you guys a Happy New Year. Well, even though its 17 days late i am wishing it now. To each and every one of you. May it be a fantastic, inspiring, beautiful, love filled & exciting year.

Lets skip the depressive gloomy rubbish and think of the good things in life. If we get out of our houses and get out and embrace the world we can have a magic time. Beautiful colourful trees to be seen blowing in the breeze. The sounds of children laughing as they play. The sight to a cute little puppy out on its first walk. The 17 year old nervous girl out on her first driving lesson. A mummy and her little baby out learning to walk and the look on the child's face as it looks with amazement at his surroundings and all the new interesting things he is seeing (that's Nathan and i at the moment). If your lucky enough to live near water go out and listen to the waves, such a peaceful sound. The birds flying high singing beautifully. A young couple walking hand in hand or kissing in the street (gross lol) not caring who sees them because its the first time they have been in love and they are just buzzing.

Does it sound nice? Well i know that's the things i see when i leave my home. And instead of plodding along thinking of and noticing nothing at all, i try to see these things and appreciate them all. And they are right there within a 5 minute walk. So if i can see all these things just 5 minutes from my home then imagine just how much i can see if i go further.

This is my year to get out there and embrace the world we live in. We hear so much negativity all the time and we can forget just how beautiful our world really is. I think the more you start to look for the good out there, the more we see it. The less we notice the bad points. Believe me i live in such a crappy area (in fact it had just been given the title of the worst town in the UK) but even surrounded by all its flaws, i still see the good. And i am grateful for that. Do you do the same?

I guess its about being grateful for what we have isn't it. Imagine we lost our sight. The things that we took for granted before would seem so much more special than we ever realised. Why does it need to take losing something, before we can appreciate it?

I want to enjoy every minute. I want to live this year. Not just exist. I want to fill myself up with more happiness and more positivity than i have before. Not a bad resolution is it?

I'm going to love myself. And enjoy my little quirks. I'm not going to beat myself up and feel so much guilt for not being perfect. Who is?

I still get loads of emails from people and a lot of people will ask me the question 'Do you do this too?' When they describe some behaviour they might have, it bothers them, worries them, or makes them feel ashamed'. Well i can say yes. Any weird thought you have had, Ive probably had it too. Even that thought you think it completely mental, and if you told it to anyone they would be calling for the men in the white coats to take you away. Your not alone.

Examples

The girl who struggles washing her hair because shes panics when she starts to shampoo it
People who wont dye their hair as it makes them anxious
People who wont get a tattoo because they wont be able to rub it off once its done
Imagining bad scenarios. Car crashes, being attacked
Feeling nervous when someone moves furniture
The fear that this is all a dream
Small irrational things sending you into panic. Things that shouldnt matter (Marie breaking your bin and panicking cause it was broken and could not be fixed).

Ok not the finest examples (certainly not extreme ones) but all things i have heard of, and what im trying to show is that we all have these thoughts. But we are special, because we TALK about it. I imagine everyone in life has these kind of thoughts playing out in their head, but we are more sensative souls so we are more aware of them. Sometimes it can be hard not to be bothered by them. And we wish they would all go away and we could just be NORMAL!! But i embrace my mental quirky side. It just makes me more interesting lol. It just makes me more convinced that 'agoraphobic' isnt the best label. I think we are all just sensative and anxious. And it affects us all in different ways. Unfortunately it leaves some of us scared to travel, or leave home, or walk through wide open spaces. But in the first 3 examples its all about fear of losing control, so theres more going on with us than just whats outsides of our homes. We all have other issues. And sooooo.... as well as embracing life, pushing the boundaries etc this year, i will be facing the control issue.

A small example... i like to have a little suntan going on. But its winter and its Scotland so that aint happening. So yesterday i reached for the bottle of fake tan and i felt a little wobble. I felt i didnt want to put it on because if i didnt like it, im stuck with it and i cant scrub it off. And so i might panic. So the control issue. I dunno why i felt that way. But i could have just avoided doing it, but for god sake why should i? Ive avoided enough and so i slapped it on not caring if i ended up like an oompa loompa. If i panicked then id work through it but lets face it, would i panic... probably not! (im aware that this is another very weak example but im trying to focus on the little issues we can face that wouldnt automatically be associated with agoraphobia). All this avoidance left me a nervous little wreck in the past and so although this might be minor, its all these little battles that make us a little bit stronger each time confronted.

And so a late happy new year and all the best. Lots of love and positive energy to all of you. Why dont we make a plan for the year ahead? Hmmm I could possibly write some ideas in my next post. And I really need to sort out links for available downloads soon. Oh and also this year no more procrastinating haha.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE

2011-12-23T21:49:00.006Z

I'm on to wish you all a Merry and Fabulous Christmas as i don't think ill have a chance to get on before then.

I hope you are all in good spirits, looking forward to the get togethers, dinner and gifts. I truly hope you are all calm and can relax over the holidays and just enjoy this time. No fretting or anxiety. If some of you are stressing about journeys you need to make or things you need to attend, then i send you my most positive thoughts and remind you that you can do it.

As for me, well I've been working really hard on pushing my boundaries and while there have been some failures, there have also been many successes. To be fair theres only been on failure but I'm not dwelling on it too much. Briefly i will explain.

An early Christmas dinner was booked for 7 of us at a restaurant. It was brought to my attention more than once that it had been booked at a location JUST for me, so that I could be there. Whenever people discussed the plans i assured them I would be there. I didn't once allow myself to think it wasn't going to happen. I listened to relaxation Cd's, i worked on my breathing, i visualised the journey over and over again. And when thinking about going i felt ok, whereas in the past id have been nervous for days before it. And so i was gutted when i got in the car to drive to the restaurant and felt the old familiar anxiety kicking in with a little bit of nausea chucked in too. Circumstances on the day weren't ideal and so i backed out. I realised i wasn't doing this meal for me. I was doing it for everyone else. I wanted to be excited about it, and look forward to it, but it didn't happen. I was scared to say no to it, scared of the total disappointment and guilt id feel when i went home having failed. But i was fine. It just wasn't the right time and I know i will eventually be back in the situation where i WILL do it.

And although i did look at this as a down point, there are a lot of things that are now achievable again that weren't for a while. I'm walking much further, I'm driving further. I'm making appointments and sticking to them. I'm going to the supermarket on my own. Making plans with friends. And these things have been done with little or no anxiety at all. This is down to practice, not avoiding AND my little helper Rashelle.

Another achievement which might not seem much, was Nathans 1st birthday. I THOUGHT it would be less hassle to have it at home. I THOUGHT it would be a quiet affair with close family and so i THOUGHT it made more sense than to book some venue when he wouldn't have a clue what was going on. In the end Nathans party had over 20 guests (which doesn't sound much but looks VERY busy in my small living room). It took me 3 days of organising the house. Decorating the place with balloons and banners, shopping and providing a huge buffet, not to mention pres ants and of course the cake. And while this might usually be easy, it was rather stressful doing it with no help and Nathan constantly by my side demanding my attention. I never realised that by throwing the party it meant i never really got to enjoy it. I never stopped! Giving drinks, food, more coffee, cake etc etc. I had to make sure my guests were happy, which they were, but the whole things a bit of a blur to me. In the end though everyone had an amazing time and felt extremely proud of myself. I did all that all on my own. This a girl who used to be cowering in a bedroom in her parents house, scared to be left on her own for 5 minutes for fear of a total panic attack breakdown.

Following the party i then took Nathan to watch my nephew in his school Christmas concert. Sitting in a huge hall surrounded by hundreds of people i was proud to be there with my son. To do something 'christmassy' together. It got me in good spirits and it was more evidence of my improvements because a few weeks ago I'm not sure if i would have faced that, but I'm doing my best not to avoid things so much (minus the restaurant).

So as the party ended my focus moved to the next event. Christmas. Well it can be pretty easy for an agoraphobic to do Christmas shopping, as practically every shop has a website now. So that's never really posed a problem anyway. Yeh of course i do miss walking around the city centre, seeing the Christmas lights and hearing the Christmas songs playing from shop to shop. But hey who needs to stomp around in the freezing cold, wait in queues and fight with people over the last 'must have toy' on the shelf? That was always my excuse when i got invited shopping and to be honest i think id still do most of it online even if i could get out there. But anyway, with gifts easily ordered i decided to step up and offer my mother a break this year. Every year since, well every year since i can remember, my mum has cooked Christmas dinner. she never gets to sit and enjoy a meal cooked for her, shes harassed and tired and i figured she deserved to properly enjoy it for once. So Christmas dinner is at my house this year. I'm only cooking for 5 but considering Ive never cooked a Turkey this could be an interesting challenge. And again cooking it with Nathan wrapped around my legs should be fun too. But hey these are the joys of motherhood and i love it.

I very vividly remember a Christmas where i was an anxious wreck. Taking panic attacks throughout the day i couldn't even have my meal. Instead i was sat on the sofa beside the dining table, watching everyone else. Theres video footage of that Christmas and I'm sitting biting my nails with huge frightened eyes. Its so sad to see and i remember it clearly, but i feel i can say i KNOW that will never happen again. I think that was my first year of panic attacks actually so it was all so new and scary, now i feel like a veteran.

I'm all organised now. Ive got in all the food, the table is ready to be set. Nathans gifts are all wrapped and ready to be laid out. All i need to do now is cook. But i hope it goes well and i can give my mum an amazing day, and i hope my OCD with the cleaning can take a back seat for a while because already I'm dreading the dishes this meal is going to create (i MUST chill out!!!)

Well i suppose i should get off and head to bed. Its Christmas eve tomorrow and i am going to offer my gift wrapping services to my mum, who unlike me hasn't wrapped a thing. I really wish you all the best and if ANYONE is having the anxious not so good Christmas then please feel free to get in touch. x x x

HAPPY 1ST BIRTHDAY

2011-12-15T21:19:00.004Z

To my beautiful, bright and amazing little boy Nathan.

Cannot believe its been a year but we managed to get through it in one piece. I look forward to many, many more. I am extremely lucky

I Love you Nathan x x x

Stay Positive

2011-11-30T23:28:00.004Z

Hello bloggers!

It is a new, far more positive Lynn writing to you this evening. Finally!

I wonder how many of you can identify with this scenario? Sitting in your home. Looking out of the window. Your feeling down. A bit depressed. Frustrated. Your mind is running 100mph questioning everything. 'How did i let this happen', 'Where do i even begin to fight back', 'Is this my life now...forever'? You start to sweat, you feel anxious. You worry your going to panic and you look out of the window again. 'If i could just get out there, even if i just went a walk'. But then the little demon on your head says 'Noo don't do that, you'll only feel like crap. It wont be pleasant. Much better to just stay indoors'.

That could easily describe a typical day when i was at my worst, but really its just the tip of the iceberg. When you allow yourself to be shut in that little world, your mind really does take over. And as much as the brain is a wonderful and amazing thing, it can also be a right old pain in the bum when left to its own devices.

When i was housebound i felt that i could always find ways to fill my time and that i rarely got bored. Due to this constant state of comfort I probably didn't have much reason to fight back and want more from life. Yeh i knew there was a big wide world out there and people were always commenting on what i was missing, but i guess it didn't really bother me. And then i got a little taste of freedom and how different life can be when your living outside of that box. Your days are filled with far more interesting and exciting things. Your mind is occupied with healthier thoughts and more positive experiences. Instead of sitting looking out of a window at the world and constantly fretting over things i SHOULD be doing. I was doing them, and so the anxiety left me and was replaced by a buzz and new lust for life.

Well sometimes life just gets in the way doesn't it (we had a death in the family, my car has broken down and been off the road for weeks). And our plans don't always go as we wanted them to, so for various reasons i found myself back in a darker place for a while.

Don't get me wrong, i didn't go back to being pretty much a recluse. Scared of my own shadow and constantly living off my nerves. But for a few weeks i did struggle. Believe me i can see now that 'cabin fever' does exist. When you are shut indoors looking at the same walls day in and day out, it has an affect! For me i became obsessed with my house being tidy. I wasn't kidding when i said before i felt i had OCD. My house would need to be immaculate and the slightest bit of dust or item out of place would need put right immediately. I think i have identified that this is just about control. I can control whats going on in my home. And since there were areas i felt i had lost control completely, i went a bit OTT with the things i could manage. So the house was forever perfect, however i did realise that if i was out there living a fuller life, the speck of dust on the living room table would seem far less important.

Guilt. I shovel it onto my shoulders and it weighs me down every day. Guilt that my son should be out doing more things but because of me he is held back. Guilt that hes watched too much TV that day. Guilt that he hasn't interacted with another child his age. Guilt that if i could get to a decent supermarket he could be eating a bigger variety of food. The list goes on, and that's only the list regarding Nathan. Don't get me started on the other members of my family or my friends.

My friends have their own lives to lead. Their own families and jobs and children to care for. I noticed i was getting a bit p****d off when they hadn't phoned in a while. Or if they didn't reply to a text quick enough. I would sit about, looking out the window, fretting, jumping up to wipe some more dust, and then resent my friends for not being there to keep me company. Don't they know that my son would really like to play with their kids? Luckily i got a grip of myself and remembered... i am not their responsibility. They are living their lives just as they should. They are good to me and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. But sitting about thinking, and thinking, and thinking, well u just drive yourself crazy.

So whats the answer? If your anxious and wishing you could go out. And feeling nervous wondering how to fight back. If your wondering if your going to be like this forever, cause it seems so impossible and its never going to change...

Go out.

I hope that doesn't sound patronising, because believe me i know how hard it is. But i also know from so much experience, that the thought is ALWAYS worse than the actual act itself. Little baby steps, no matter how minor they may seem, need to be celebrated and noticed. Its about taking control of your life again.

Its literally only been about 2 weeks since i got back into the swing of things. Through my focus, my therapy and my determination I am back out there. You know i do go out everyday and would never spend a full day in doors, but it was becoming more of a chore for a while. Now though i go out for a walk, or a trip to the supermarket and i come home buzzing. What i do may be small, but it feels good to know that i done it, and i took my life back even for 5 minutes instead of sitting about the house obsessing.

More than once in the past week have i walked further than usual and caught myself saying 'i feel totally fine here'. Its a great feeling. At home I'm not sitting around obsessing. I'm not focused on the negative thoughts and piling on the guilt. Nathan is happy and not at all bored and fed up... it was me who was bored and fed up. I'm not fixated on my friends not calling as much, in fact Ive hardly even looked at my phone. I'm generally just feeling more positive and much brighter. Things were starting to feel a bit hopeless and impossible for a while, but why do they need to be? They don't. I can get out there and do whatever i want. I have the power within me and so do you. It might take a little bit of practise but its completely possible.

Still doing my therapy on a Thursday i am discovering more and more about myself. And although its things Ive always known, I'm starting to pay more attention. For example, i do everything fast. I whizz around the house like I'm on drugs when I'm doing my housework. When i cook the dinner i have the dishes done as I go. When I'm playing with Nathan, I'm already thinking about when ill be tidying toys away. Its a fast paced, tiring way to live, and no wonder I'm always so tired!

When i go on my walks i will try to push my boundaries. Even if i go a street further at a time. But what i would do is, id walk along where i was comfortable, and when getting to a new stretch of road i would run out and then back again to where i was comfortable. To me i was still making the achievement because i had reached the place i wanted to be, but there was no enjoyment in it. And so last Thursday on my therapy we walked slowly to the point where i started to feel uneasy. And we just stood. We talked and we tried a few techniques to reduce my anxiety. I did feel quite uncomfortable at some points. We were standing on a long straight road and so when i turned around i could see how far I had walked, but more importantly i could also see how far i would need to walk before i was back home. This is the part i don't normally like. And so my head started 'what if i cant make it back', 'what if i get dizzy'. 'what if my legs turn to jelly and i cant walk'. But i stood there and tried to hush those voices, and I'm learning that the more i practice this, the easier it is to silence those thoughts. When i asked myself those scary questions i simply answered with 'None of that is going to happen, but so what if it does, I'm gonna be ok'. And instead of rushing home and whizzing about as i would usually i slowly walked home and felt fine. But this is down to practise!

I know it sounds a bit too simple and its easier said than done but whoever came up with the phrase 'practise makes perfect' was speaking sense. The only way we are going to get results is by doing these things over and over and giving our positive thoughts some power. They don't really get a chance to be heard if we are just sitting about worrying and not actually putting anything into practice.

My therapist also made a really interesting point about how anxious people are generally always living in the future. We are worrying about whats coming. 'what if i panic', 'what if i don't feel good. 'what about that party i need to go to', 'I'm gonna have to go out', 'how am i going to pay that bill'. We are always worrying about whats to come instead of living in the now. And so this is what we are working on at the moment. Getting me to 'live in the now'. We done a few exercises that stopped my mind racing and brought my head into the now. And when she asked me how i was feeling i can honestly say i felt fine. I felt calm and at peace with myself and it was a lovely feeling. I'm going to be learning more about this, and mindfulness and i will share anything that i think will be of interested to you, or anything i think might help. But judging by how much my mood has lifted and how much better i am feeling about myself then I'm sure there will be plenty more upbeat posts to come. I really was going back down that old anxious, crappy road. Filled with self doubt and hopelessness. Frustration with myself. And even though in the past i felt i was literally rid of agoraphobia completely, i suddenly lost the belief that could be possible again. But i was wrong. Its completely possible and this time it can stick... so hang on in there people. Its NEVER has bad as you think it is.

Digging Deeper

2011-11-11T17:56:00.011Z

Well hello everyone. How are you all getting on? I realised I better get in touch to update you on my change of meds and anything else that's been happening. So where to start....

The meds. A letter of referral has been sent to my doctor to advise my medication is reviewed and surprise surprise i have heard nothing so far. Of course I am fine with this and just play things by ear. When they are ready to make the changes, i will do as i am told. Someone commented on my last post saying that I shouldn't do it 'cold turkey'. I totally agree and that's not something i would ever consider. i think when you've been dealing with mental health issues for a long time you realise how to handle somethings, but if there are people out there who have been put on a medication and suddenly start to feel normal again, my advice is simple. Do not just stop your medication. You probably feel better BECAUSE of your medication and to stop them suddenly could lead to withdrawals, and withdrawals can be quite uncomfortable. With any medication do what your doctor recommends because at the end of the day, they know more about this stuff than we do.

Anyway in the mean time Ive been feeling much better and much more positive than in previous posts. We have reached the time of year i least enjoy but its not bothering me too much. Nathan and i are doing great and enjoying our little home and our routine. We had his first Halloween, which involved the blissfully unaware Nathan dress as a skeleton and we had his first bonfire night. He saw a few fireworks but to be honest he was more interested in playing with some random object at the time, he really does go into a little world of his own. He is so big now and looks much older than his 11 months. 11 months! But surely it was only last week we got home from the hospital!!. It will be his 1st birthday on the 14th of December and i am holding a party for all the family at home. I would have booked one for elsewhere but i feel that since he is only 1, home is fine. He can be lord of the manor and play with his new presents while us adults eat cake and take pictures. I'm sure he will enjoy being the centre of attention. I am not trying to be a martyr here but may i just point out that Nathan turning one also signifies over a year since i had a full nights sleep. What is a lie in? I haven't had one since.... well i cant remember. Nathan has never spent a night away from me and so every morning i awake to the sound of him ready to cause havoc...and cause havoc he does. I think i must have also changed approx 700 nappies. The joys eh. But that's motherhood for you and i love every minute and when he hits that 1 year mark i will be so proud of both of us. Him for being my special favourite person in the world, so clever, so beautiful and always entertaining. And me for my first year of being a mum.

Ive gone on before about my opinion on agoraphobia recovery and how i think its very much down to the individual. I found that therapy's i had tried for example EFT, TFT, EMDR, CBT, and lots of other abbreviated things didn't help me as much as i hoped. I found that when i took the bull by the horns myself, that's when i made the best progress. Maybe it was just the right time, but whatever i did back then opened up a whole new world of possibility to me. From being housebound and pretty much not doing anything for 5 years i was suddenly out having a life again. Doing all the things i never imagined possible. I acquired a new lust for life and an inner buzz that made me want to do more and more and more. I did get to the stage where i questioned... so am i cured now? I knew i was going in the right direction. My life was fuller, my anxiety pretty much non existent, but i still had limits on where i could travel to.

But life ain't easy. Oh no just when i thought i had it sorted i was met with setbacks. I swore to myself that if a day came that i didn't feel like going into a certain shop or felt any sense of panic, i would not avoid it. I was strong now and i would fight and fight until id chased those fears away again. But suddenly i was pregnant. I was tired. Exhausted. I didn't feel fear when thinking of doing things, and so i didn't do them as much. Thinking it was ok to do this as i wasn't avoiding things for agoraphobic reasons. But obviously the less i done them, the harder they were to do again. I realised to my own surprise that I had gone backwards. And to realise this when you have a new born baby isn't really ideal. So the guilt kicked in. This gorgeous little bundle of mine deserves the world, and here i am uncomfortable to take him to a park. Ive told you these things before and for sure my world has got smaller and smaller again. Then came the relationship issues. So to cut a long story short this year has been a hard one. I very hard one. My focus has gone from more important issues and Ive relapsed back into that frightened unsure nervous person again.

And so it was perfect timing when i was told about a girl who works with people with phobias. I had already got through the toughest part of the year and with a new determination to focus on my agoraphobia i figured it would be a good time to find out more. I was told that this girl has fantastic success rates, has helped countless people with phobia and/or anxiety. Takes great enjoyment from her job and doesn't do this for financial gain. She does it because shes a good person who enjoys using her skills to help people better their lives.

Well Ive met so many therapists and tried so many things that i guess Ive been a bit sceptical in the past. Ive often met with people with the thought 'wow they might cure me' but quickly became aware that NO ONE is going to cure us. The only person who can do that is US but there is nothing wrong with getting a bit of advice and a helping hand on the way.

And so i met with the 'life coach' last Thursday. I expected someone arriving armed with a pie chart cut into sections... Relationships, finances, hobbies, etc and to to help me find fulfilment in the areas causing me problems. But it was nothing like that. I immediately liked her and can see why she has such a success rate. She is a warm, caring beautiful person who immediately puts you at ease. Instead of me feeling my achievements were nothing special, she made me feel proud of myself and gave me a much needed boost. We done some NLP exercises and i genuinely could feel some of my anxiety reduce. Thinking about driving distances would initially make me feel tense, but after some work on these issues i realised the tension and nervous tummy were settling down. The session lasted 2 hours and was all based on my anxiety, my past panic attacks, memories of fear etc. Talking about where all my 'issues' have come from really did help me see things a bit clearer and make a lot of connections where i hadn't noticed them before. She explained to me that the work we did would be making changes in my head, or my sub conscious if you like. And so i was to let it all happen naturally and just see how i felt. Well in the days that followed I felt very tired and on one day all i did was cry. I don't cry unless I'm reeeeeally upset, it takes a lot to make me cry. But as i shed the tears i felt i was having a great release. A release i really needed.

In the following week i knew i had to try a few things to see if changes had been made. But i knew, as did the therapist, that i wasn't gonna be 'cured' in one session. Not when Ive had my problems for 10 years now. But i went out and tried a few things and although i could see things clearer i was still hitting a bit of a wall. For the first time in ages i found myself questioning how on earth i ended up with this. Why do i have the behaviours that i do. Did i get this because i am just a worrier. or could it be that my life experiences have caused me to behave in certain ways and make certain decisions? Am i gaining some sort of benefit from being agoraphobic. I have 2 inner dialogues. One which wants a life and to get out there and do so many things. And i have another who tells me 'oh don't do that you might panic'. It took me a while to realise that both of these sides to me want the same thing. To be happy and to be at peace. They really need to get together and have a chat. They might like each other and stop arguing.

And so my next session came and i expected the same kind of work but this time it was quite different. It turned out she had read my blog and learnt a lot more about me in the week that had past, and in learning new things we started to dig a little deeper. People have often said that the way to deal with your problems is identifying where they come from, working through these problems, past experiences etc with someone i.e a therapist, and in doing this you will release them. Well again i doubted this and figured there was no point in rooting around in the past because it is what it is. Whats the point in wasting time talking when i need to be doing something more practical, i.e going out! But as we chatted i made connection after connection and realised so many parts of my past and my thoughts could be having an effect on my present. Who'd have known i have major confidence issues. Who'd have thought i don't have much self respect. That i don't see myself as very valuable. That when treated like a doormat or hurt id just think 'oh well maybe that's all i deserve'. Like i said Ive had sessions in the past and its not done much for me, hasn't stirred many feelings. But as we chatted i found tears rolling down my face. I felt a huge sadness and yeah OK i felt a bit sorry for myself. Ive beat myself up about so many things for so many years. Ive carried a lot of guilt. I don't take compliments well and i expect most people wont like me. Why? A cried a few times and when she left i felt that id made some kind of discovery. I think my problems as far deeper than i ever imagined. I think there are many 'issues' that Ive maybe never recognised before, but in noticing them i did feel less confused. Lighter. And after a few exercises we did i immediately felt a sense of 'i am worth something. and i don't deserve to be treated like crap'

So although the thought of a long journey still makes me uncomfortable i am finding a little candle burning inside of me again. Just a little flicker. But i can see that in working together, and working on my own too, its gonna get brighter and brighter. And in dealing with all sorts of issues its going to have a positive outcome in where my life is right now.

I will of course keep you posted on my future challenges. The girl/women/therapist/life coach has a website and no doubt will have no problem with me linking you guys to have a look but ill get her go ahead first. I am nervous. But i am excited about the doors opening for me here.

Duh Duh Duuuuuuh

2011-09-28T20:41:00.004+01:00

Uh oh the dreaded day has come! The day the doctor decides to change my medication.

Probably seems like nothing at all to most people. For years Ive heard of other people doing it with no worry at all. But those people weren't me. Me the neurotic, obsessive, control freak. If i am late even by an hour in taking my tablets, id panic. But wait.... id never be late taking the little blue pill. I am far too uptight for that. I have an alarm set to remind me everyday to take it at the SAME time. Obsessive? Yip! Ive even heard people say 'I wasn't feeling too good today, and then I realised I have forgotten to take my tablet for a few days'. Excuse me?? How can you forget such a thing. I have realised that while i thought I was quite a chilled person in some areas, I am very highly strung in others.

There is absolutely no need for it, like with many things in my life. I have never felt a pill is the cure. But for years I have happily taken mine thinking 'ah its not doing me any harm'. Never mind the fact it probably isn't doing me any good either. 10 years Ive been on this stuff. 10 years is a looong time. Ive often been asked how long i have been on my medication and when i respond my answer is met with a raised eyebrow and a suspicious look. After 10 years why haven't my doctors changed it? Why have I not wanted it changed? My answer has always been the same, 'its never been a good time'. Always an excuse with me hey. But for years i was housebound and thought maybe the medication were keeping me sane. maybe without them Id have been an emotional wreck. Ive never been prone to depression, maybe that's because of the pills? Then my recovery began. Well I best just stay on them while i focus on my recovery. I don't need to deal with withdrawal at this time, wait till im stronger. Then Something else would come along.

We did discuss coming off them when i was pregnant but i was told they wouldn't harm the baby and it really wasn't a good time to be perhaps be feeling more anxious.

So here we are. The day has come. And how do I feel about it? Well I'm scared of course. Maybe someone else would take it in their stride but i know how my mind works. I don't know what the doctor will suggest. Will they lower the dose at first, or will they tell me to miss a tablet out here and there? Either way, on the first day that medication is lowered or missed i will be a nightmare. I'm wise enough to know it might be fine, and while its happening I will need to distract myself, keep busy. But I'm big enough to admit I ain't looking forward to it. Once again its the fear of the unknown but what i do know is that I am willing to do it.

This happened because i decided to take the bull by the horns and start fighting back again. I met with a nurse yesterday and discussed my latest situation. How ive maybe stepped back since Nathan was born. And so her first concern was my medication and contacting my doctor. Oh Lynn Lynn Lynn you did ask for it really. On a positive note i do want this. Ive heard a few people over the last year who have been put on a medication that really HAS had a positive affect on them. They are feeling happier, more positive and are out doing more than ever. Now i am not suggesting a pill is the cure, because I have ALWAYS felt its about us putting the work in. But when Ive been speaking to these people I couldn't help but wonder if it was something i should think about. Something to give me a little kick up the bum maybe. So now it looks like its happening anyway. I will no doubt keep you informed of any changes and lets keep everything crossed that its a success. At the end of the day, even if its a horrible experience, ill get by. Always do. I was bad enough trying to get ON these tablets and if i can handle that then i can deal with some heightened anxiety as i go through these changes. My medication is 30mg Seroxat a day. For my American readers I think its the equivalent of Paxil. In the 10 years since I was first prescribed this, medicine has changed and there are far more preferred drugs for people with anxiety/agoraphobia. Id go as far to say that my doctor probably wouldn't prescribe my pills to anyone these days.

I received an email the other day which some of you may be interested in. Admittedly I haven't checked the website out yet but the women was telling me some of the readers might find it helpful. It seems to be only American but its called Healthtap. They sound quite interesting and you can check out the website or the mobile app. Certified in 82 states they put '5000 Doctors at your fingertips' and according to my email, its free! So maybe take a look and see what its all about.