Captain Give-a-Damn(tm)

Satellite Shoot-Down About to Begin. YEEE-HAW!

2008-02-14T17:43:00.000-08:00

And now, Apathy Leaguers, a Quiz:

Your school-bus-sized satellite, loaded down with toxic rocket fuel, is about to obliterate an undetermined locus of human population. What's the Captain Give-a-Damn™ solution?

A. Turn over the details to orbital physics experts, ask them to determine the area in which the satellite is likely to land, then warn and evacuate the population as necessary.

B. Say nothing. When Peoria goes up in a poison mushroom cloud, blame China.

C. Turn that satellite into as many pieces of radioactive, toxic death as possible, using a means that's guaranteed to spread them out over the largest possible inhabited area. Extra points for using a method that's never been tried before, that employs highly explosive missiles that have the potential to veer off-course.

If you answered C, Apathy Leaguers, you're correct! And, not coincidentally, that's the solution being used by the United States Department of Defense. With their choice to secure state secrets before securing lives, they've earned the Captain Give-a-Damn™ seal of approval, with points for cowboy creativity. No wonder that this guy made the final decision.

More Kudos to Congress for Spending Its Very Few Working Hours on Roger Clemens, Brian McNamee and Andy Pettite, and Artfully Dodging Relevance

2008-02-13T13:56:00.000-08:00

By the Power of Lassitude, the United States Congress stands a chance of making me completely obsolete. Read this New York Times article about the way they're burning up their precious few on-the-job hours with issues that benefit absolutely no one. Here's a snippet:

At the end of his statement, Mr. Clemens said, “How in the world can I prove a negative? No matter what we discuss here today, I am never going to have my name restored. I know that a lot of people want me to say that I have taken steroids and be done with it. But I cannot in good conscience admit to doing something that I did not do; even if it would be easier to do.”

But Mr. McNamee, who spoke immediately after Mr. Clemens, insisted he was lying. “I have no reason to lie, and every reason not to — if I do lie, I will be prosecuted,” he said. “I was never promised any special treatment or consideration for fingering star players.”

High drama here, people, on a par with any given very special Lifetime Channel movie starring Tracey Gold. Congratulations and a hearty Captain Give-a-Damn™ salute go out to committee chair Henry Waxman for going the extra mile to squeeze every ounce of distraction out of this skillful ruse.

The First Captain Give-a-Damn™ Apathy Award™ Goes to The US Senate, for Voting to Extend Retroactive Immunity to the Telecoms

2008-02-12T15:21:00.000-08:00

Are your elected officials really just a bunch of namby pamby wet noodles, giving in to every whim of the electorate?

Banish the very thought from your minds! Why, this very night the Senate proved yet again that Congress will not be bullied around by the yammering hoards. After legions of shrill phone calls, snarky emails and other communications from the perpetually cranky electorate, each one demanding that Senators honor a bunch of hard-to-read words written on a nasty old sheet of paper that's so ugly it's kept in a darkly-lit case to keep from offending too many visitors to America's capital, your Senators sided with the one person who still left them a choice in the matter: President George Walker Bush.

And remember, Apathy Leaguers -- the freedom to choose is the most basic freedom of all. When the Senate saw that the American people left them no choice, but the president allowed them to write whatever they wanted into law so long as he agreed with it, they sided with Freedom.

And this is why I proudly present a Captain Give-a-Damn™ Apathy Award™ to each and every Senator who voted to extend retroactive immunity to the telecommunications companies who, at the behest of their nation's president, gave the personal information of millions of American citizens to the intelligence services.

Below are the names of the Senators to whom this award is given. A hearty Captain Give-a-Damn™ salute to these fine citizens who wear the privilege of doing the least amount of good for the greatest number of people like a badge of honor:

Alexander (R-TN)
Allard (R-CO)
Barrasso (R-WY)
Baucus (D-MT)
Bayh (D-IN)
Bennett (R-UT)
Bond (R-MO)
Brownback (R-KS)
Bunning (R-KY)
Burr (R-NC)
Carper (D-DE)
Casey (D-PA)
Chambliss (R-GA)
Coburn (R-OK)
Cochran (R-MS)
Coleman (R-MN)
Collins (R-ME)
Conrad (D-ND)
Corker (R-TN)
Cornyn (R-TX)
Craig (R-ID)
Crapo (R-ID)
DeMint (R-SC)

Dole (R-NC)
Domenici (R-NM)
Ensign (R-NV)
Enzi (R-WY)
Feinstein (D-CA)
Grassley (R-IA)
Gregg (R-NH)
Hagel (R-NE)
Hatch (R-UT)
Hutchison (R-TX)
Inhofe (R-OK)
Inouye (D-HI)
Isakson (R-GA)
Johnson (D-SD)
Kohl (D-WI)
Kyl (R-AZ)
Landrieu (D-LA)
Lieberman (ID-CT)
Lincoln (D-AR)
Lugar (R-IN)
Martinez (R-FL)
McCain (R-AZ)
McCaskill (D-MO)

McConnell (R-KY)
Mikulski (D-MD)
Murkowski (R-AK)
Nelson (D-FL)
Nelson (D-NE)
Pryor (D-AR)
Roberts (R-KS)
Rockefeller (D-WV)
Salazar (D-CO)
Sessions (R-AL)
Shelby (R-AL)
Smith (R-OR)
Snowe (R-ME)
Specter (R-PA)
Stevens (R-AK)
Sununu (R-NH)
Thune (R-SD)
Vitter (R-LA)
Voinovich (R-OH)
Warner (R-VA)
Webb (D-VA)
Whitehouse (D-RI)
Wicker (R-MS)

Senators Graham and Clinton went so far as not to vote at all on the measure. I began preparing a platinum diamond-encrusted Apathy Award™ for them, but somewhere along the way I guess I just lost interest.

These are the 29 Senators who caved in to their constituent's demands. Some might even attempt to deceive you into thinking that they personally believe telecoms should be held legally liable, simply for following their president's orders. Scribbly words on a sheet of old, greasy paper are more powerful to these uppity uptight and tight-lipped Lib Labs than any weapon man has yet devised.

Akaka (D-HI)
Biden (D-DE)
Bingaman (D-NM)
Boxer (D-CA)
Brown (D-OH)
Byrd (D-WV)
Cantwell (D-WA)
Cardin (D-MD)
Dodd (D-CT)
Dorgan (D-ND)

Durbin (D-IL)
Feingold (D-WI)
Harkin (D-IA)
Kennedy (D-MA)
Kerry (D-MA)
Klobuchar (D-MN)
Lautenberg (D-NJ)
Leahy (D-VT)
Levin (D-MI)
Menendez (D-NJ)

Murray (D-WA)
Obama (D-IL)
Reed (D-RI)
Reid (D-NV)
Sanders (I-VT)
Schumer (D-NY)
Stabenow (D-MI)
Tester (D-MT)
Wyden (D-OR)

And what, you may ask, is the duty of a dedicated Apathy Leaguer toward these dogged duty-mongers? Shun, my cloyed cohorts. Shun.

An Urgent Message from Captain Give-a-Damn™

2008-02-10T14:24:00.000-08:00

Why so down-in-the-mouth?

Perhaps you're here because you're disgusted by the constant pressure to extend "courtesies" such as giving up your seat, holding an elevator door, or leaving a tip.

Or perhaps you're driven to despair by the bombastic indignation self-righteous drivers unleash upon you when you stop dead before turning, when you allow long lines to gather behind as you drive slowly on long, narrow roads, or when circumstances force you to simultaneously eat, read, and use the phone while driving.

Maybe you resent the tacit suggestion of certain elitists that you're somehow less intelligent because you don't read, you have no grasp of current events in any particular arena, and you couldn't care less about what little forces its way into your consciousness.

In short, you've arrived here because, deep down inside, you think that everyone thinks they're better than you simply because they try and you don't, and you're tired of being made to feel like an idiot because of it.

I, Captain Give-a-Damn™, am your champion! Join my Apathy League of America™ by purchasing my alarmingly unconscientious yet tasteful accessories. Every item in my Apathy League™ Gift Shop has had extended exposure to my Atomic Apathy Powers™, which will assist you in repelling those repulsive so-called "responsibilities" that are part of what certain snooty others obsequiously term "common decency."

Buy early, buy often, and visit frequently. Before you know it, Captain Give-a-Damn™'s Apathy League of America™ Gift Shop will become a mighty nexus for those who long for the days when you could live your life out in the pleasant pastures of pointlessness.